The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 535 - John Stonehouse live w/Nick Cody

Episode Date: May 31, 2022

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by Aussie comedian Nick Cody to examine politician John Stonehouse. Recorded live at Hamer Hall in Melbourne. Sources Tour Dates Redbubble Merch   DietSmoke.com

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Yeah, you're listening to the dollop. This is an American History podcast that occasionally goes to Australia and each week I read, I Dave Anthony read a story from American History to some energy of fella. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. And our guest tonight from hot morning radio Nick Cody. Morning radio walk. Who's walking like a morning radio guy? Queensland zone. Get out you guys. Who wants footy tickets? Long weekend, 13, 10, 60. We're not wrong one. No. Bebe is coming back. The phones are lighting up right now. People want to talk about it.

They're on the tens and thirties. Nick like all the rest of you got COVID recently. Yeah. Cody COVID. How was it? Pretty well. Yeah. I had a sniffly nose on a Tuesday. I just, I, my son got it first, my three year old son and very annoying. Cost me a lot of shows and I told him and we did the test. The second red line popped up and I said, mate, you can't see an Anna in part of day and we're not going to the Gold Coast for a holiday. And you did. My wife said, my wife said, that's a lot of information for a three year old to take. Seconds after he's been told he's also got COVID. But uh, but I find with a three year

old, you don't actually have to use the words. You can make them feel how disappointed you are in them with your eyes. Yeah. Dave's father patented the move actually. And then you were saying backstage that you took it really seriously and you just were kind of in bed. Took care of yourself. Drinking fluids, electrolytes. Drank a bottle of red wine a day. Bottle of red a day, a few whiskeys. My wife, the healthiest person on the planet, fucked her. Idiot. You just got hammered. Eating salads like a nerd. Yeah. Oh, we are brought to you in part by Peloton. Look, working out can be a pain, right? You got to go to the

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money back. No questions asked. So when you don't want to get wrecked from an edible, but you just want to get an amazing high, enjoy the smooth, the sensational buzz of Diet Smoke. Right now, Diet Smoke is offering our listeners an amazing deal. When you go to dietsmoke.com and use promo code DOLP, you get 20% off all their THC gummies. Go to dietsmoke.com, promo code DOLP to get 20% off. That's dietsmoke.com. Promo code DOLP for 20% off. Diet Smoke THC gummies. Tell them Dave took them a couple times. Four, five. July 28th, 1925. Year of our Lord, Jesus Christ. John Thomas Stonehouse was born in

Southampton, England. He was born into a staunch trade unionist family. His mother, Rosina, was a counselor on the Southampton City Council and later became the first female labor mayor. John joined the British Labor Party at the age of 16. Wow. He's not fucking around. I'm not accusing anyone of fucking around. Fucking around. All right. Relax. I'm the olive old. Normally. Isn't it normally 16 year olds trying to sneak into the army? No. This one's like, we've got to lower the drinking age. Yeah. We think you've lied about your age, sir. John's school teachers thought he had little ability. Nice.

I've been there. I was there a bunch. So as teachers recommended, he'd be apprenticed to be a butcher. Wow. That is, that does feel like a way of softly sort of being like, yeah. That's a butcher. As he thought about potentially learning how to cut ham hocks. He'd be good at cutting meat. You know, he'd be a good slicer, your boy would. He's got the brain of someone who could use a big axe. You know what I mean? He's one of them. He's got the mind for meats. We thought he'd be like an author. Well, you know, I think maybe we start him off with cutting and slicing and things of that nature. And then, what about an accountant? Well, I mean,

he will be ringing the meats up and weighing them. But again, I don't even think he should be the way guy. I think that should be another one. I think he'd be good at, again, looking at meat and, you know, putting it on the paper for the smart guy in the shop to, again, he's an apprentice. You know, you don't figure that out right away. I mean, it's a bit rocket science, isn't it? No. Well. So instead, he did not, he did not become a butcher. Instead, he got a job as a clerk and typist for the probation department, and then he joined the Royal Air Force to fight in World War II. There you go. Okay. He was out after two years and got an

ex-serviceman's grant to study economics and political science. Boy, this butcher guy was a real fucking asshole. Yeah. Maybe it was just someone who needed a little help with the butcher's store and was like, well, I could, you know, your kid should probably be a butcher. I'm actually having a barbecue Sunday. Do you think you could be a butcher's apprentice? And how did he go from buttery air force to economics? That's a, did he just fly so much that he's like, I'm pretty good with economics now. Yeah, it doesn't really make sense. Weird jump. Well, he went to the London School of Economics. So he was there in 1947, and that's when he met

Barbara Smith. They met at a dance. Barbara was almost 16. How old is he? 47. So he is 22. No, no, he's not 47. Jesus Christ. That took him real. He's 22 or 21. Okay. So, yeah. Old much older, but maybe not. Great. Good counter. Nice job, Dave. Yeah, maybe not great. Yeah, good counter. A little older, but maybe not. No, I was just saying maybe not a good thing to do. You know, hook it up with 15 year olds when you're 22. But, you know. Yep. Maybe. Okay. Let's just keep going. Like a good time to push through. Barbara was a progressive socialist. She worked at a think tank before they were called think tanks. They married in 1940. What was it called?

It was called the Fabian Society. It was just a thing. They didn't say it was a think tank. They were like, it's a bunch of guys in a society. Okay. I was hoping you wouldn't have the answer. Or it happened. You know, a different thing. It's a fathom booth. You're hoping for a joke. Yeah, something good to work with. Yeah. That didn't happen. Maybe you should be a butcher. Be a tough job for me. The saddest butcher. Yeah. My meat is weeped upon. They didn't do nothing to you, fella. Have you just thought about a bokeh burger? There's one near me. There's a vegan butcher near my house. What is that? What is going on? That can't be a vegan. That can't be nothing

to cut. Yeah, he's not a butcher. It's all fake mate. Right. Put the sprig of parsley on it and everything. So does he like order like a fake meat in the shape of a cow? Yeah. It's it down. Yeah. Yeah. And then he like, yeah, puts a fucking electrical dart through its head. He's like, boy. Goodbye, Tofmu. Look at all the oatmeal coming out of this thing. So they married in 1848. They honeymooned in France. 1948. In 1948. It's 18. Yeah. 1948. They honeymooned in France. While they were on their honeymoon, John went swimming in the ocean and didn't come back for two hours. That's fine. That doesn't seem that crazy. That's normal. Just a two hour swim out in the ocean. Yeah. Okay. Now he disappeared.

You know, he swam out. And so Barbara thought he had drowned because he was gone so long. She starts to cry on the beach. She's never been to the beach. She was just, oh my God. It's been two hours. It's time to remarry. I'm moving on. I gave him an hour and he ate back. Well, I think most people will swim around the beach, but he swam until you couldn't see him anymore. So it's a crazy move for sure. But two hours to grieve a death. Yeah. Well, she was upset. I mean, two hours. She's like, what the fuck happened? Like he should be back or I should see his head a little bit. Thank God towards me. Thank God she met him after the war. That would have terrified her. I've got to go on short missions. My wife

breaks out. Can we fly by my house so she knows I'm okay? So when he came back, he just laughed and he said, I always go for long swims. That's what I do. You've never mentioned that once. Yeah, it would be a good thing to say before. I go for long swims instead like have a good life. Okay, I wonder if you're seating a detail there, Dr. Anthony. So after a university at 23, John stood as the Labour Party candidate in the London seat of Twickenham, which is the most English fucking name ever. Twickenham. He lost. But now he's like, I want to go into politics. This is what I want to do. When he was like gone for like the vote counting, she was like, he's dead again. It's been three hours. He's dead. My husband

is dead. Honey. I was in the can. Oh my God. I bought a casket. Let's still have the service. I should have told you I love long shits. I'm so sorry. It's okay. So the bill of his experience and to broaden his mind, he went to Africa with Barbara and their two daughters as the two daughters. So John quote, in the wild north of Uganda, snatching a few hours sleep in the simple, thatched mud and wattle huts and driving and working by day to create a cooperative movement, which would help free the Ugandans from their ignorance and pathetic inferiority complexes and give them the tools to build a richer society. Well, I mean, okay, kind of a mixed bag, right? That's great that you're helping them. You mean these idiots

when they need it. He's fucking morons. If you see them, it's unbelievable. Doesn't feel so magnanimous. Hello, white man here to save you. That's what I do. Yeah. I'm broadening my horizons by wading in amongst the idiots. So bunch of butchers apprentices if you ask me. So while he's there, he actually gets very strong anti colonial views. I thought you're going to say just gets really strong. That was exciting. Just starts lifting. He's doing squats. Back in England, he keeps he goes back to England. He keeps running for office. Okay, so there he is. Wow. He loses twice more. He's losing. Nobody apparently likes him. Right. Then in 1957, he's finally elected to parliament as an MP for Wensbury

for the cooperative Labour Party in 1959. He goes back to Rhodesia or say he goes to Rhodesia. He'd been in Uganda. He goes to Rhodesia and he gives a speech to 1500 members of the Southern Rhodesia African Congress. And he said he was against a federation run by whites and asked them to have patients quote. I ask you to particularly not use violence. Have pride in your country and do not do anything of which you might be ashamed. And because he said that the white people were fucking live it. He's saying that to the white people. He's saying that to the black people. Don't do anything crazy. Don't use violence and the white people are like fuck you. It's really out of character for the whites. Is this the

first time that's happened? I've never heard of this. The most rational people on earth occasionally. Normally so balanced and helpful. Yeah. Headlines scream MP tells Africans we are with you. So they're just fucking mad. So that's like that's terrible. Unbelievable. They're also mad that that night he had dinner with three black guys. Oh my gosh. Can you imagine in Africa. Unbelievable. At midnight he was woken up and told he had been declared a prohibited immigrant. How was your fucking dinner. Worth it. Get out. You're full. Hope it was lovely. So they put him on a plane that night. Get out. Leave. He sent back to England. Go back to England. Now. So he goes back to his life in England. He's an MP. He's

still taking long swims at Southampton and disappearing. Oh my Lord. We've lost him again. No baby. It would always scare the Barbara and the kids. They'd always be freaked out. Well the kids because of Barbara they weren't just like he stinks really like she was like kids listen. Your father's dead again. I'm a hundred percent. It's been an hour and a half. Mummy. Yes we need to move on. Hug your teddy. That's your daddy now. Mummy wasn't he dead last week. Yes he died last week and the week prior. Oh he's so dead this time though. I know I keep singing sounding that bell quickly but move on. He's gone. When is he going to start just swimming parallel to the beach. Stop going out you fucking idiot.

He probably made him feel great. Oh my God. That's right. Another miraculous battle achieved. How did you do it. I fought off all the water again darling. Yes yes it's me. How great am I now. Do you think that's why I didn't get voted in for a long time. They're like what are you like doing and he's like swimming in England. They're like you're fucking mental man. We can't have you. Not to be trusted. So in 1964 after 13 years of Tory rule Harold Wilson became the new Labour Prime Minister. John was made Parliamentary Labour Secretary to the Minister of Aviation. So he's responsible for promoting export of aircrafts and aircraft technologies. He spent time in Saudi Arabia trying to get a contract there. He met with

government representatives in Czechoslovakia. So after this John was made the Undersecretary for State of the Colonies. That's you guys. While he was the Undersecretary he enjoyed rescuing nations and acting as a benevolent representative of the mother country. So helping out the you know the dirty little colonies. Right. Okay. Thanks for putting it like that. So in 1967 he was then promoted to Postmaster General. There he is with the Queen looking at stamps. She's not interested. Oh shut the fuck up would you. And you'll see this one's actually 2P which is twice as much as the 1P one is that. Your Majesty you've got that glazed over look again. Fuck off. I'd just like to walk you through this. Now this will

probably blow your mind a bit. Put the crown on to keep your brain inside your head. This is something that is worth 3P your Majesty. 3P. Look at that. And it's a bird isn't that amazing. No it's not. This is fucking stamps. I could talk to you all day about stamps Your Majesty. Please don't. I love our chats. I don't. And this goes on the envelope you understand. Yes I fucking know what a fucking stamp is. And then that would be mailed and the postman would identify whether that was enough postage. Now if it were to get even more complicated I would recommend a trip to the post office. Now let's say you want to use 5P. Why there's not a 5P stamp you're saying. Well let me assure you of something there. You're just

a little math problem away from solving that. Take a 2P and a 3P you're right where you want to be. John came up with the idea of second class stamps but then the position was abolished as the post office became a publicly owned corporation. Bloody hell. In 1968 John was called to meet Prime Minister Wilson because John had been accused of being a spy for Czechoslovakia. We want you to put this plane in your airport. No one will know this. On how many stamps it's going to take to get there. They say the only way to get it there. But if only someone knew the postage actually I might be able to come in service for that.

He was accused of selling a communist Czechoslovakia confidential information about aviation secrets. So John just denied it and then the Prime Minister never brought it up again. He's like all right. Well that's a better time. Did you do this? No. Sorry to keep you all trapped. On your way. What a good blow. 1970 Labour lost the general election and they were back in opposition. John became a strong advocate for an independent Bangladesh. Now Bangladesh's independence fight was brutal. Very fucking bloody. But in December 1971 they won victory. Okay. He became independent. So he made a lot of connections in the Bangladeshi world. Sure. John was always worried about money because an MP salary he didn't think was enough

to take care of his little family which are now three. Oh. So yeah. So now he had three kids. He now he's no longer in government. He's using his connections to set up businesses. That's different. Different businesses. Different businesses like one is called expert promotion. Another one consultancy services. Global MX. So just a bunch of different businesses. Oh. Is he the first wanker? Incredible. Now you've spoiled it. Now I know where we're going. And he was very instrumental in starting a new Bangladeshi bank called BBT. The Bangladesh. The Bangladesh. He had tons of tons of connections with Bangladeshi living in in Britain. So

in 1974 the Labour Party wins back control by just one seat. But John is not invited back by Wilson. Wilson publicly said he's not happy with how John performed as postmaster general. The Queen hated him. Now you see. Listen to John Pony. Let's say something called Seven Peter Mail. Quite a conundrum you think. Hey. You could use say three two piece stamps. You could use a one piece stamp or two piece stamp and in addition to three you could use three twos two threes or six ones. Do you understand? No the problem. He was still explaining it but in a butcher's voice. Two piece steps. Oh wait buddy. Fuck the Queen's ear. Relax. Five piece stamps. Put them on the scale.

Some guy at home. I told you he should have been a butcher. He still got the knife. That was quite menacing. Yeah. You want to send something? No we love your stories of stamps. But aside from what the what the prime minister said the spy rumors were still out there. They were still like that's why he's not back in government. Interesting. And then there started to be issues with the British Bangladesh Bank. He'd help set up. It was so only 10% was supposed to come from the directors of which he was one. But he had put tons of money into it. So it's over fun. It's overfunded by himself and his companies. Hmm. So now the authorities are looking into it and he has to scramble to come up with money to

put in the bank so he can pull his money out. So it's it's just a fucking trick. That's how we run banks in the states now though pretty much. Yeah it's totally fine. Yeah okay. So he's flying all over the world and he's making trying to make deals and trying to get loans and trying to do different stuff. Jesus. He's fully fully fucking panicked. He's really freaking out. Money and problems. You know. Imagine owning a bank and you're like fuck I need some cash. Yeah. Jesus Christ. People want money. I'll be right back. Keep them busy till I'm back. Mate I know it's a new job you've got but you have butchered this. He tart. He starts taking a sedative called Mandrax. That's right. Which is also known.

Oh fuck yeah. As Kweyludes. Well to be fair there's nothing that Kweyludes don't make easier. Certainly when it comes to running a bank like you know little Kweyludes ought to help me get through this. He's like meth aqua loan. That's you know he's got meth in it. Aqua. I love the water. Well that's why he was gone for two hours. He is dying. What did you think of that? He's now drowning on land. Kweyluding. And they don't make Kweyludes anymore because I can tell you from experience they were too fun. They were too fucking good. They were too fun. They were like we made the best thing ever. We got to be done with it. What did I do? What did Kweyludes do? It's just fucking giddiness. Like it's just fun. It's not fair. They're out there somewhere. Yeah they've

got to be. Somewhere. He was also at the same time taking the Benzo Mogadon so he's on Benzos and Kweyludes. Jesus Christ he looks like such a normal guy. I know. The stamp conversation probably took a turn. And then of course. And he's taking he's doing the Rush Limbaugh thing which is going to a bunch of different doctors and getting more and more prescriptions. He's getting them. Yeah doctor shopping. He's doing tons of doctor shopping. So bank auditors and inspectors are looking to his business. They're looking at all the records now. By the way can I just say I really like the injection of Kweyludes into the story. Yeah. Feels like now something's happening. Yeah. In July inspectors wrote quote by mid July it was clear to Mr. Stonehouse that the game was up and his counter measures

bore the mark of desperation. He was becoming paranoid and anxious. Little Kweyludes will help with that. Nothing a little Kweyludes can't solve. He called Manor Hospital in Walsall and said he had money to distribute to young widows and needed the names of some widows. No. It's just a guy looking for widows. What could be the problem. All right we've got the widow list for you friend like well who the fuck is giving that out. I would like a list of widows please. One second here. All right how many do you need. Oh God I need them all. All right. I need all the widows. Bansdale. She's on Hawthorne Road. All right. Cassie Beatrice. She's really grieving. They wanted me to be a butcher. Sorry. Butcher. Butcher. They wanted me to be a butcher. Let me just get

through the list then you can communicate what you're trying to say to me has that. Right. All right. Let me pop a couple Kweyludes first. I'll just keep talking to you then shall I. Yes. Keep the list of names going yes. Yes. Fantastic. Yeah if one's prettier. All right. I guess now's the time to ask why you need the widow list again. You want to give them money. Yeah I want to give them money. Right. Well your story checks out. Let's keep going. Let's hit the C's now shall we. And she can't write. Gosh she's sad. And a lot of these we're not sure if they're dead their husbands could be swimming in the ocean. A bit of that going around isn't there. When I when I was a little kid my mum told me that people die in alphabetical order

and I could check the newspaper. Wow. Mom how does it happen. Why don't you call me Zion Zekowski. Sorry Nick. Your parents are really the best. That's amazing. Now he got the list and on Saturday morning he visited the widow of Donald Clive Mildoon and they talked and at some point he asked her if she'd ever gone abroad. Oh no. Yes we went to Australia in 1971. So besides having a conversation with Donald Clive Mildoon's widow he also had a conversation with the widow of Joseph Markham. Oh boy. And then some time after that John got the birth certificates of Clive Mildoon and Joseph Markham. Okay. Taking a very bad turn. I don't think he wants to take these women on trips. And then he got a passport in Markham's name. What the. It's not good. Is he still looting

it up. Looting it up. Yeah. You mean trying to get the money. Quay looted. Oh yeah. No he's fully on Quayludes. Yeah he's one of the passports in different names. Is this the born identity. When they found him out in the ocean he was just swimming. That's right. I mean swimming shot floating. Yeah yeah. That's swimming. That's a great way to remember it. You mean that early scene where you're swimming. He opens two bank accounts. Sure. Under Markham's name. Sure. Probably not at the Bangladesh bank I would guess. No. And starts depositing money saying he was considering emigrating to Australia. This guy. Joseph Markham. He was he deposited around $20,000. He got an American Express card

from having the bank account. He opened a Swiss bank account with checks from John Stonehouse. So he deposited checks from himself. He wrote checks from himself to Joseph Markham and deposited them in Swiss bank. Okay. And this is all on Quayludes. Yeah it's actually. He's doing well. Again who are this fucking guy who is like he should be a butcher's apprentice. It's like dude this guy is going to commit bank fraud on Luz. Yeah. It's amazing. You no longer tell people what job placement is going. I once got got so drunk I couldn't mentally keep up with a 30 for 30 documentary. And this guy is. Which one. It was an ice hockey one. Three periods. I don't know. Yeah. I know quarters and halves. Fuck this. No. You can't even figure out offsides

in that fucking sport. I got to lie down. It says the guy who got drunk playing Halo with a baby on an ottoman. Never seen Dave empathize so hard with anything. Oh you can't figure that out. Nick you're a hero for trying. A couple of days later Private Eye magazine which was apparently a big magazine I looked it up Private Eye magazine wrote quote two labor MPs are at present under investigation by the special branch for their connections with an East European embassy. I should find out that the Czech embassy which covers espionage and dirty tricks for the whole Soviet block allocates twenty thousand a month for those who might prove useful. If you're going to commit

bank fraud with bad checks on the I feel like Czechoslovakia is just so obvious. But this is this is a message. So someone is directly saying we know you just deposited twenty thousand dollars. It's literally in the spy magazine. Yeah they're putting a message in this fucking magazine. Don't deposit the exact amount they've given you for the crime. It's like robbing a bank for a couple million dollars and then depositing the exact same amount in another bank. Yeah. And plus Private Eye magazine like is anyone like hey don't print that. No well it is like a dog whistle based. Yeah they're trying to yeah right. Right. So he doesn't read it. They're like damn it. All right. Put it on his porch.

Bloody hell. Put it on his chest when he's having a loon nap. He had money transferred to a branch in Melbourne and then on August 10th he won his parliamentary seat by a large. Who the fuck is voting for it. I mean honestly on the 19th he withdrew sixty thousand from his John Stonehouse accounts then as Markham he shipped a metal trunk of belongings to Australia. Well we've all done that. He works. He worked for the post office. That's unnecessary luggage weight. Yeah. So you could send a lot more if the trunk's not metal. I put one trip here. How many more did you say that I needed. How long have I been at the post office. My wife

is getting worried. What is his wife. I mean his wife is like gosh John you've seen it a bit distant. She she genuinely thinks everything's okay. He's just a little stressed over money like but she thinks everything's fine. Bottles of quail ludes anywhere. She's not queuing into anything. I mean there's a little bit of like sounds like a budget apprentice to me. In November in early November John flew to Miami and he was going to the Miami bank to discuss them buying stock in BBT. So the next day he drives to the airport and he buys a ticket. So when he's in Miami he drives to the airport. He buys a ticket to Houston under the name George Lewis. Doesn't need to.

Does he need to do that or is he just. And that's a new name. Yeah it's just a totally new name. He's just now. He's just like looting himself into different people. It's amazing that it was that easy back then too. You know what I mean. No one checked. Huh. No one checked. I don't think you need ID. I know it's amazing to just be like it was like get on a bus. I mean I would have just done that for fun. Yeah. You know. I'm Frank Timmons. All right Frank. And what seat would you like. Yeah. Five. All right Frank. There you are. When he was when he was in Miami did he get a montage like Scarface. He deserves it. He does. He's going to the bank. Open in businesses. Yeah. So he buys a suitcase and

clothes and he puts them in a luggage locker along with the Markham passport. He's being a bit erratic Dave. He took the clothes to the hotel beach and hid them in a phone kiosk. We've all done that. Yeah. I mean that's a great place to hide your clothes. He takes a set of clothes. It's called the Superman. And then he goes to the meeting he was supposed to go to. I'm sure he was in a normal state when he showed up to the meeting. They were probably like this guy's fine and normal. Where are your clothes. Don't worry. Put them in a phone booth. Hi. I'm George Lewis.

I'm sorry. I'm John Lewis. So they do not buy stock. What pitch probably went real quick after he goes to the beach. He changes into swimsuit. He goes to the beach. I'll be back in two hours and he goes. Yeah. He goes to run his famous swims. Uh huh. He left his shirt and his shoes out on the beach and then went into the water and he swam over to where he had stashed his clothes and changed. What the fuck is going on. And then he went out to the road and hailed a taxi and went to the airport. If someone is watching him they're like what the fuck. It seems like he's got an amazing plan but really he's just looted up just like now for a costume change. What's he doing.

I don't need those shoes anymore. So he goes to the airport. He gets the suitcase that he left there and he flies to Houston and John Lewis and then he flies to Mexico City. That's right under a different name. Now the plan was to catch a plane to Sydney. Why is he going to these places? In Mexico City but he missed it by a couple hours and then the next flight. That's called Loodlate. And the next flight was a week later. What a different time. That's when planes went once a week. Yeah. So he flies and said to Los Angeles. Of course. I'm going to be an actor. And now he's kind of losing it. You're telling me this might get bizarre soon.

Oh I can say cracks foreman. Can you display some evidence of why he's losing it. His plan is falling apart. It's planned. So in LA he calls Barbara. Hey I'm almost back to shore. Well she said that it is garbled and short and he said he couldn't take it anymore. Okay. Pretty clear. Now he had planned to be in Los Angeles after Miami so it wasn't weird that he was calling from Los Angeles. So she didn't know that he had just faked his death in Miami. Oh what the fuck. Oh my god. By the way you're I might be calling you to hit on you right very quickly. You're a bit of a widow. My name is John Lewis. Gosh you seem good. So at this point he decides to go back to London. So he flies to Atlanta and then

of course and then to Miami. Right of course a normal right. And then goes back to the hotel and no one knew he'd been missing. Yeah. So he goes back to his room and just goes to sleep. So he's not dead. Oh no absolutely no one knew or cared that he was gone. So he kind of just expected someone to be like whose shoes are these. Yes. This man's dead. This man died. Shoes and a shirt. That is so much to go through to not actually fake your own death. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen this CSI in Miami. Right. Right. So when he woke up he said the reality of his life quote the horror of it hit me like a sledge hammer. So where did he go. He got his mark on clothes and then he went and took a swim in the

ocean. I mean honestly the only thing that makes sense about this guy is the amount of time he wants to spend in the ocean. And then it hit him quote a boat. Now he's really dead. Quote I could definitely see it all clearly now. Stonehouse must definitely die. Well I mean didn't he already come to that realization. He already tried to kill himself the day before. But now he really knows. I got a good idea. I should fake my own death again. This time for real. Stonehouse must die. First step. Fly to Samoa for no reason. Yeah. Via Detroit. I'm going to leave a sombrero in the beach. They'll know who it belongs to. I'll write my name on it. That's how that's how looted up he is. He goes for a swim in Miami.

They're like that man must be dead. Nobody would ever swim here in Miami. Okay so he gets out of the ocean. This is most of how the stories begin. He goes around to where he hid his clothes. He goes up to the road and hails a taxi. And then he goes to the airport. Fuck yeah. There are no flights to California so he takes one to Chicago. That's pretty close to what I just said. Yeah. And then starts with the sea. Yeah if he goes to Samoa. And then from there he flies to San Francisco. No he's on the plane. He's he know how to get back. He's not going back. Okay. He cries on the plane. Sure. And he goes in the bathroom. He's crying and he's upset and he yelled at himself in the mirror. Uh-huh. He lands in

San Francisco. Uh-huh. He goes to one of the fanciest hotels there. Sure. And he said he felt like he had to cut the umbilical cord with himself. What I mean for fuck like. So that's obviously before men went to the berths. Yeah. That's right. It's not still attached, mate. So he buys a ticket back to Miami. What I really want. You tell him he doesn't have a montage. This is montage. I just want to see one of those like map graphics with the plane. Yeah. It's where in the world is come in San Diego. And then he flew back to Miami. Again. No one at the hotel noticed he had been gone. And then he had faked his death. But I feel like he doesn't understand that you need to like make

people realize you're mid like you blow up a car that you're in or something. He's just going into the ocean and expecting a lifeguard to be like he's been gone for a while. Yeah. Yeah. He's not doing it very well. Right. Yeah. Right. Okay. And he's taking a lot of flights. A lot of flights. Right. To not be considered dead. So at this point he decides to fly back to London. And he lands in London and he goes straight to his office to the House of Commons and just acted like everything was normal. Awesome. He just went on like a two week kill like fake his own death. It was like five days and he went on fake his own death. It didn't work twice. So he visited most big cities and then he just came back and went to work. That's right. Okay.

Okay. How was the trip my trips. It was trips. Multiple. You feel relaxed on. Now the reason he might have come back was because two days later it was Barbara and John's 26th wedding anniversary. I got you me. I got you what we call lasso pearls. They celebrated at their favorite restaurant and had dinner. I don't remember much of it. She says she had absolutely no idea. Wow. There were any financial troubles or that he was having any sort of mental health problems. She and he would go for a swim and she'd freak out and then he's doing all this and she's like gosh we're hitting that lovely patch. I'm the 19th. Look at how looted up he is in that picture. Yeah. That's right.

Get the olive oil baby. Let's go to the fucking airport. Yeah. You want to die with me. On the 19th he flew back to Miami. Is there a reason why it has to happen in Miami? No. He's just like that's where I see myself taking my own death. I want to go to Melbourne. I've always envisioned it there. This this time he went with a business partner Jim Charlton. Now I'm going to go for a swim Jim. If I'm not back in two I mean really the whole thing is he's trying to fake his own death in the ocean and his wife kept thinking he was dying in the ocean. He just needs to take his wife who

freaks out every time he goes in the fucking ocean. That's right. But instead he just does it alone and now he's like I'll bring a friend. I mean she knows he's stressed out. Sure but I mean there's a difference between the stressed out and like well I tried to kill myself twice and came up with three fake names but where do you want to eat for a big anniversary babe? She was hoping Jim would be there to help him calm him down with the business stuff so on November 20th John went for a swim around Sunset and he did not return. For five minutes.

His friend went to check on him in his room no answer. It'd be great if he was in the room. Then they found his clothes on the beach. Right so he had a friend. They were like boy there's a lot of his clothes on the beach. I don't remember maybe three sets of outfits but he's got two pairs of mandals, a regular pair of shoes, two hats, five shirts. Who's John Lewis? And then the police were called. After two days the FBI was called. John had hopped on a flight to San Francisco then flown to Honolulu. Wow. Honolulu. Where he was staying in a hotel in Waikiki

and from there he called his secretary Sheila. Hello Sheila it's the ghost. Any messages? Really I'll call him back yes. I know I died in Miami three days ago. Well maybe you meant to like the Aussie slang that's how they knew something was wrong. So I get a Sheila. She's like whoa that's I'm Margaret that's. Good eye Sheila. So she said he sounded distraught, incoherent, and suicidal. Any reason why? No. Oh okay. This is the most stressed man who just goes Hawaii, Miami, Miami, Hawaii. He's going to all these nice places. Really nice places.

With quailudes and he's having a shit time. Yeah it is a bummer. If you can't have a good time in Waikiki you're fucked up. But he told her he told Sheila don't call my family and tell them. I mean I think if you fake your own death part of the thing is you shut down communication. You don't just pick like a few people you're gonna call and then sort of shield your wife from it. Hello Sheila. Look people will probably be wondering if I'm dead and if they are I am. Anyone ring has the queen. And then he flew to Sydney and then to Melbourne. Yeah well he's a great guy. He had all the paperwork that he needed to immigrate. The immigration officer stamped his papers and said quote you are one of us now.

Congratulations. Another fucking criminal. And then it by the way it took us like four hours to get through the airport five days ago. And this guy just brought like one piece of paper and they're like you're a citizen now right? That's right I am. Thank you so much. You're going back on the plane. No sorry. Gosh us Aussies serve a bad sense of direction don't we? So that's why they're calling it down under probably. Christ almighty. Is the floor pattern always movable? Seems a bit melty doesn't it mate? Uh mate you're holding up the line. Oh the line. Here may I do something licorice fingers? Could you move along sir? I'll move along when the carpet begins to settle.

You know butchers are princes. What do you reckon the ocean's thinking? I died in Miami three times last week. Anyway what's the fun stuff to do in Waikiki? I would love it if he was still in a swimsuit the whole time. Yeah. Yeah I mean it froze Australia. So his bank account has 24,000 dollars in it. Oh that's some good news isn't it? Forgot about that. And never this is under the name Joseph Markham so he tries to now open up a name under Clive Mildoon's name but he doesn't have a passport for Mildoon. He tells him at the bank he's moving to New Zealand. So basically what he does is he

ends up walking a bunch of times between three banks trying to get business done move money around in two days within two days of arriving. So all the bank managers are like what in the fuck is this guy doing? And they call the police. Oh why I wonder. And there is it's nothing in the Australian papers about him dying so he has no there's no internet so he has he has no idea what in the fuck is happening. What do you mean he doesn't know that he doesn't know what's happened with the reports of his death like did they do they think he's dead? How do you not follow up on that? He can't he's in Australia if there's no newspapers that are reporting it then how's he supposed to know? Well that's again why you do a big you know again I just picture a car exploding

just would be great we really work effectively. I mean there there's reports in the US papers are following it sort of they don't really care. Right but he has no clue but who is he going around as now? He is sometimes Clive Muldoon and sometimes Joseph Markham. Okay but so but he's acting like he has died. Yeah what? He's acting like he has died. Yeah yeah he's but he just doesn't know if it's confirmed. Yes. I'm beginning to see the Kweilut threat in this a little bit. I know. So he flies to Perth then to Singapore, Bangkok and then to Copenhagen. What the fuck? Why? He spent four days wandering around Copenhagen looking for English newspapers to find out what was going on with his death. It's just exhausting. Couldn't he just call his office as someone else?

Hello my name is Bishop McCallan. Is he in? Maybe maybe he couldn't do accent so maybe he calls up and he's like it's a spassie me bar and they don't know what that means. Nobody does. Or he calls up and he goes you're enabling. But he is horrified to read the stories about whatever one's saying. So he does find a story in Copenhagen? Yes. In an English paper. I feel like he could have found an English paper somewhere closer. I mean he was looking in Australia but he couldn't find it anywhere. He couldn't find anything that had anything about it. I mean it's like there's a close connection. It feels like he could have found out. So a week after he disappeared Barbara told the press the FBI thought he had drowned. I saw this coming. Ever since the first

time he went swimming. I knew it. The FBI quote. It was pretty obvious to us. Three shoes, two hats, five shirts. I know what we're dealing with. That is one dead guy. That's one drowned individual. I mean he looks like he drowned four or five times out here. I don't know any better. She also said Barbara said rumors that their 26 year marriage was on the rocks were quote thoroughly distasteful, offensive and utterly untrue. We've never been stronger. And there were now also the papers were reporting financial troubles. She said that's not true. John's a man of integrity. Of course. So John was then declared dead. Presumed drowned. Nobody was found. Barbara and the kids are devastated but they're like he took fucking long swims. Like that was

his thing. That's how I knew. I tried to warn him. A minute silence was held at the houses of parliament. And then a Bangladesh lawyer claimed one million was missing from a Bangladesh relief fund. And John was one of three trustees. The observer wrote quote asked to explain why he believes this. Mr. Huck shrugs and says he cannot prove anything. Interesting. I don't know. He went to Miami three times in a day and a half. It seems a little weird. He kept saying goodbye forever when he took off. The British press then went full on British press hysteria. The Guardian. Enemies may have killed Stearnhouse. Enemies may I mean so they just were like. I mean it's amazing how effective this dude is on fucking Quailudes and they're just like gosh

how deep does this go. The Daily Mirror quote there has been suggestions he's been kidnapped. We think he's still alive. Now they're being held hostage. There's so much by my people. There's so much water near Atlantis. No. How there's so much media going after the family that John's secretary Sheila Buckery sets up a desk in their front room just to deal with media. And Barbara said she kept finding the kids just sitting on the stairs crying and they can't leave their house. The Daily wrote the Daily Mail wrote that John was pompous and too wealthy. Imagine the Daily Mail writing that someone is so weird. Yeah. Yeah. The Sun said John may be quote a victim of a mafia plot. They're just making shit up.

Yeah they have no clue. They have no fucking clue. They're just completely making shit up. The Daily Mail called John Mr. Fixit and said he'd made over a million in commissions from Bangladesh contracts. Papers wrote that Barbara had taken out a crazy amount of life insurance. The reporter learned John was running a flat in Westminster and read Barbara a list of women's names who live there. Now that one was true. Right. And one of those names was his secretary Sheila Buckley. So Barbara calls to find Sheila and she goes to this flat and there she talks to a neighbor and she learns that John had helped a woman move out at the end of October and asks her description. It's clearly Sheila but she can't find Sheila. That's because Sheila

here we go was now in Copenhagen. Oh boy. Helping him find papers. Yeah. She went to see John. John had called Sheila and said quote they won't let him die. Why won't they let him die. And she's like I should get involved in this. This sounds perfect. Are they as there's something going on. Yeah. Okay. She's talking about he was obviously talking about himself. Right. He wanted her to come to Denmark. I killed myself. He wanted to come to Denmark. She said after he said if she didn't he would go to London. She's like OK I'll fucking come because you're in deep shit. Yeah. Going back to London right now. I think I could pull it off. I just need some of my super pills. I could do anything with super pills.

She flew there and met him at the airport and now he's just doing nothing to disguise himself and there's people getting off the plane from England. No one's recognizing though. This is when she learned he was going by the name Markham and was going to live in Australia. Don't worry. Call me Mark. I'm an Aussie now. And then he also said he was Clive Mildoon. Also call me Clive Mildoon. I have two names. After a day together she flew back to London and he went back to Australia where he took out a three month lease on a flat on Flinders Street and then he just started living his life. A few days later Barbara tracked down Sheila quote from the look in her eyes. She was terrified. But Barbara was. No Sheila's terrified. Yeah. She's like yeah I know

it sucks. How are we going to move on without him. I'm sure he's in a better well maybe not a better place but he's somewhere different. That's for sure. He's certainly not a Copenhagen looking for papers. It's Flinders Street. Nice. Well they don't look pretty good. Yeah. It's a bit different now. She asked Sheila if they were having an affair and Sheila just started sobbing. No. And then Barbara asked then Barbara said John has always had an affair and he always came back and then I called when he sleeps with others. It's like the ocean. He'll be back just after everything's wet. And then Sheila blurted out that she thought she was pregnant. Oh jeez. It's a pill bottle. Imagine doing all of that. You've done all of those things. Miami three times

Chicago California Mexico Australia back Waikiki Perth Atlanta. You're like I think I'm getting away with it. And then you just I think I'm pregnant. Fuck. Tell him it's a ghost. And then Barbara said what quote if John does turn up and you've gotten rid of it it will make him very upset. He loves children. What is Barbara is there's some problems with Barbara too. I mean for that that's a crazy take. That's the craziest of takes. Well don't get rid of it. If he comes back he'll be loud. He'll love it. Don't you see it can all be OK still. I mean that's all she's doing. It could be fine. It'll be OK. Weren't it. Could you put it in my tummy. Let's just keep pitching. Is she on the ludes now. This sounds like she's on the ludes.

I've been taking his magic pills. Keep it all the dead guy will be sad. Do you understand. Don't make the ghost angry. A couple of days later the son reports that John has gotten a concrete overcoat from the mob. What. It's really. It's like a. It's pretty good doesn't it. It's heavy. But yeah I like it. It's very warm. Try taking it for a swim dumb shit. There you go. How do you like that. That's why he's jacked. It's all that heavy. Got a concrete coat and a fucking metal suitcase. Hey I think that might have been too heavy for him to swim with. Oh Jesus Christ. We're going to need to rethink this whole business model. Get in there. Pull them out. All right. Let me get

on my concrete saving gear. A couple of days later the Daily Mirror called it a concrete coffin probe. No we've come back with our own evidence. It was not a jacket at all. They put him in a concrete coffin. Anyway. Job well done I think. One more lewd and we'll come up with the next story. So Barbara was asked to find some hair samples of John's and send them to Florida. No problem. We got a lot. I kept a lot of his hair. We've got it. What would you like front or back. So he's now being connected to all kind. He's being connected to the death of a Nigerian guy who drowned in the Thames and then the report. They start reporting John was being watched by the Secret Service for being a Czech spy. Some thought he'd swam to Cuba or not swim to Cuba

that he'd swam out to a Cuban submarine and then got on it. Swimming to Cuba makes as much sense. Sorry not swimming to Cuba. He swam to a Cuban submarine and then wrote it like a skateboard to Cuba. We're going to do it right here. And it's just barbecuing and cricket gear on Flinders Strait. Fucking. Fucking nailed this. Some telescopes have picked him up on the surface of the moon. Oh gosh. He's a genius. He's two steps ahead of everyone. I think I'll have a poo in his bucket. Gosh. How do we keep track of this one? The Daily Mail wondered if he was working for the CIA. Obviously. Now back in Australia John went to the New Zealand Bank and tried to open an account again

and again they told him he needed a passport. He was trying to open one under Clive State. Well at least that that is good. So remember the cops had been called so a police detective had talked to the banks and they were now following John for like two or three hours a day just to see what he was up to. And he doesn't know and he's just like another shrewd move. Yeah they're just everyone's just like what the fuck is this guy doing because none of it makes sense. So they're just like is he a terrorist? Like a criminal? What is he? If only they could just find the Kwayloons. Oh he's a party boy. It's like a brilliant plan to them. They're like gosh he's really really doing well. Meanwhile he's just like blah blah blah. Why do you think he's spinning on

his back in the park singing? It's obviously a signal. He's sending something to one of the ships in the... I think it's could be satellite based. Yes yes. Yeah there's something with that apple he's putting up his bum. That's where they got the sound of the modem later on. It's just him. Excuse me an idea. That's for the older people in the crowd. The younger people are like sound of a modem? It's unbelievable. Disrespectful. Don't make us do facts jokes. So we open more accounts at this point. That's smart. Throw more accounts at this problem for sure. That's the problem is there's not enough accounts. So at this point he has seven accounts. Good. In four banks under two names. Great. It's fine. And there's no

way he's keeping these fucking names straight. No. I'm Jim... Mark... Barbara. Your name's Barbara? Barbara. Okay. She the Barbara. Okay. I'm in the... Mark. I'm in the Air Force as a butcher of economics. Well that'll let ya. If this ends with him working in a butcher's shop. So the cops quote, we thought we had a big international criminal on our hands and they're just intrigued. So they search his flat without a warrant. If you can believe that. Come in gentlemen. Can we look around through everything? Who sent you? Space dog. Sure. Go ahead. I'm gonna wash my hair in the toilet. No he's not there. They just went in and searched his place. I know. Oh. We're having some fun. I just had to clear it up. Yeah. Yeah. No. That would have been ludicrous.

Quite ludicrous. The cops also said quote, he was never without his dark glasses and never without his hat. He was watching television... Well in case he wants to fake his own death on the fly. Just throw it on the ground. Well I've died again. He passed away again. Quote, he was watching television with his hat and glasses on inside. It seems kind of... Because the future's too bright. You know what I mean? That feels Australian. As Clive Mildoon he moved to an apartment and he joined the Victorian Jazz Club and the local chess club. You're telling me this fucking dude is playing chess? I mean in a way he sort of is. Jazz? I'm gonna move my queen into checkmate. You're at jazz practice.

Oh, then I'm gonna move my queen left and right and back. Hey, I like where this guy's going. That's right. I died twice. Maybe three times on the beaches of Miami. Maybe I did. Maybe I did. Wacky Key is the place for... If you want to die just get rid of your shoes. On Christmas Eve he took a train to St. Kilda to get some mail from an old address after which he quote accidentally bumped into himself. I like your style, me. Let's do it. As the police are like, what is happening? Okey dokey. We've got to kill both of us. I need seven hats, 18 shoes. Let's run into each other and become clive again. You got a deal, Johnny? And still not the loosest unit in

St. Kilda. That's the... No, but what he said was that he accidentally stumbled into the red lights district. So as he bought a train ticket back to the CBD three cops jumped on him. Quote, Mr. Markham, don't worry now it's all over. Maybe. Yes, that's who I am. Dr. Markham. Supposedly at the St. Kilda police station a cop asked him to drop his pants. You're going to pretend I'm dead, aren't you? Nice try. Because they were looking for a birthmark. Because a British aristocrat, Lord Lucan, had disappeared after murdering his child's nanny who he had mistaken for his wife. I'm sorry. Okay, sorry. I feel like I took a lewd.

So will you say what you said one more time? So. Sorry that I'm getting a little confused. So he has a birthmark in his genital area and so they asked him to take off his pants. Right. Because they thought he might be this guy, Lord Lucan, who had disappeared after he killed his child's nanny who he thought was his wife. So he was looking through a window and he thought he saw his wife and he like shot and killed her, but then he went in and it was his nanny. Oh, that's a fun ending. He killed the nanny. Oh, damn it. I mean, oh, whoops. Oh, hi, hon. Okay. So they think it's him because the world is looking for him. Right.

Clive doesn't have a birthmark though. So they the whole time they're following him. They think it's this guy. So they're just like, hmm. And then he's like, I mean, him, he's like, I don't know what took you so long. I'm really inebriated. And they're like, you're free to go mate. Oh, what? You're not who we thought you were. Okay. Let's see your dick. Okay. I know it's small, but I've been in the ocean a lot. Yeah. More than most men. So they start keep looking, keep looking. They start grilling them and they have his names from the bank. They're like, are you Cash.

Ooh, who is that? Sounded like a bit of a made-up name. I heard that guy left his clothes on the beach. He's clearly perished. And he says yes. Oh, man. Oh. Felt like he could have pushed back a little more.

Now, on New Year's Eve, Barbara and the kids are wrapping presents in the phone rings. Who's wrapping presents on New Year's Eve? For next year's Christmas. Cool. Hopefully, someone gets us a calendar next year. Could come in quite handy. Jane answers his daughter, Jane.

And she said, quote, Daddy, is that really you? And then Barbara grabs the phone. And John says, How is the ocean? There's a place here called Tits. I wouldn't have happened with that. John tells her he's in Melbourne at the detention station. Good news.

I'm OK, kind of. He's in a detention center. And he asks her if she will come to Australia. So she's relieved. She's overjoyed. I can't believe she's like, it really is fucked up that she's like, you know, I mean, excited to see him.

Well, she thought he was dead. I understand. That might have been better. Your mistress has a child. Don't worry. I saved it. Don't worry. We're living together.

The BBC picked us up as a reality show. Moments later, a journalist showed up at the door and offered to pay for the trip for an exclusive to her story. That's pretty convenient. That guy was obviously like had a satellite dish and a van out front. Yeah, well, someone must have called them from Australia. Right.

She had to take him up on it because John had emptied all of the money out of their accounts. What about George? Clive put money in. So OK, all right, fine, you're right. So Barbara gets on the first flight she came that night and she's with two reporters from the Daily Express. That's really weird.

Well, they're paid. I know, but still to be like, you sit middle. We'll just let's catch up. Pretty long fucking flight to be honest. It wasn't until she was sitting on the plane that she realized John had left and put them through a lot of pain of making his death. Wait a minute.

He's not a good bloke. Going to have some stern words with him when I get down under. I think I want to divorce. Who's not getting laid tonight? Children unwrap one of the gifts. We shan't need that in 358 days. Please be a new husband. Please be a new.

No, a sweater. Lovely. So she's like, who the fuck does that, right? What kind of person does this? It is very strange to have a breakthrough. Like, I mean, I guess it's like the level of trauma she's taking on. She's just like in denial the whole time.

But for the flight to be where she's like, I don't think I want to make this trip. By the way, pretty cramped in this little plane, isn't it? So she gets to the airport. A police car takes her to the detention center. There's TV cameras. When she sees John, he's like, hey, what are you been doing? I've been pretty good.

I must have been crying. Oh, what happened? Well, you died, you faked it. I know, it's so crazy how I'm back now. I think we should just not talk about this anymore. Move forward. There's a place in St. Kilda called Tets. I know, crazy.

I know where we should move. She said he was grand thin and she sat next to him on the bed and he burst into tears. Quote, I have never seen him cry before. As he began to talk, I quickly realized that whatever anguish and misery I had suffered myself, his own problems preoccupied him intensely. So that's a nice way of her saying he did not ask about her.

Fair. I've been good. So there's a hearing and he was given bail. They're being had by the media wherever they go. And John then decides to hold a press conference and has Barbara at his side. What? The best part is I do have a scrotal birthmark.

Isn't that a funny twist? It didn't look under. You got to lift him up to find the treasure. All right, let's open it up to questions. By the way, I'm passing a hat around. Throw some money in that, motherfucker. You got to find mama some more pearls. Now John tells the press he's never

going to return to the UK, the place that caused him so much pain. That country ruined me. He called it, quote, a sick society. It's disgusting what they're doing. They don't even have a tits. So he just ranted the whole time. I can only imagine.

I mean, it's a half footage of this. What a press conference. In January, newspapers were reporting John had been having a long-running affair with Sheila. Who? The dead girl? Wow. He continued to deny it.

But when Barbara confronted him with the articles, John decided this was a good time to write a book. Get his story out there. Barbara said she would help. Oh my god. I mean, being the author assigned to him, like, sorry. So who were you at this point? I'm not sure.

I think I might have been George. Anyway, Stonehouse is dead. Or is he? That's where the shoes were. What shoes? The shoes on the beach. And you're there. I'm in Waikiki.

When did you go there? Africa, Mexico City, dumbass. Are you listening? It's pretty straightforward, OK? Keep up. I went back to the hotel, and I was alive again. Wait, weren't you just alive there? That was Tuesday.

This is Thursday. Oh, fuck. This is why they call me a ghost writer. That's right. OK. When did you go to Hawaii before and after Miami? What? In between Miami twice.

After Mexico City, then I had San Fran. Had to stop by Chicago. Then I became an Australian as soon as I flew in. Are you even understanding? I think I need to get someone who understands me a little bit better. Oh, you know who understands me the best are these little pills.

Hi, guy. I needed the newspaper, so of course I went to Denmark. Yeah. Well, at that point, I needed to find an English-speaking newspaper. Copenhagen seemed like the right decision. So I opened another eight-bank account, and I was on my way.

So that's when I became Katz von Bjorn, and that's when things got a little interesting. But keep in mind, I was still living in Miami at the time. At some point, I impregnated Sheila, too. The time escapes me. So it's January now. He's out of prison. But they're just now in Australia, him and Barbara.

Hanging? And he wants to write a book, so she's like, I'll help you write a book. What about the kids? Oh, fuck. You mean the one with Sheila? No, the other three. Other three?

Oh. Oh, yeah. Oopsy and the other two. So we should get the queen over here. We always have good banter. I feel like the two oldest daughters are old enough to take care of them. I think they're like 18 or older at this point.

The boy is the only one I think who's underage. Right. So he's now writing in longhand his book, giving it to her, and she's typing it up for him. This is a recipe for cake. Yeah, I think that's how we open. Peak, chapter four, cake. Pretty good, huh?

Did I not mention this would be an autobiographical cookbook? Genre bending, which I like. Why in the toughest times of my life were there 14 shoes in the sand? And then there was one set of footprints when Clive was carrying all of us, pretty sure. Maybe that didn't happen. So now, John psychiatrist in London.

She was like, guess who's going into the ocean for a little while? Recommends that their 14-year-old son Matthew fly from London to Australia to be with his parents. Smart. Direct, I like it. The idea was to help give John, help him regain a sense of responsibility.

I like that you're like shelving that trauma on the child to help this fucking lunatic. Crazy. So they decide to avoid the paparazzi and go to Sydney and stay in a hotel. That'll do it. Which they book under false names. Monday.

Yeah, OK. So no one will know they're there. So I know you can't believe this. Wait, but he had aliases? Seems impossible. You're not going to believe this, but the press found out. And we're waiting for them at the Sydney Airport. And they're surrounded as they try to hail a taxi.

So they surround them as they try to hail a cab. Hey, maybe John shouldn't go pick him up. That might have helped. Oh, that's an idea. Yeah. Once in the hotel room, Barbara discovers Sheila has also flown to Sydney. Wow.

Oh, boy. You don't know how many stamps that took. Yeah. Undetected. And Barbara says, John, you should not be seen with her because of all the press. Right. And because you fucked her and she's not your wife.

Right. And he's like, I wasn't going to do that. But. Oh, no. I need her clothes so she can, quote, help me on a board of trade inquiry. I mean, OK. At what point is like rehab discussed?

I don't need her. I need her clothes because of a directory board. I can't keep walking you through this. This is Australia. This is where they go, maybe just stick to light, be a mate. You can't have. Everything revolves around clothes. I need her clothes to become her.

It's pretty safe for Barbara. But he tells Barbara, he's like, look, I'm still an MP. I have a job to do. He's not still. Is he still an MP? He's still an MP. What does it take to get fucking un-MPed? Oh, we'll get to that.

He lost so many elections that when he finally got one, he's like, I'm not giving this up. I mean, at what point in the life? Right before he left, he was re-elected. Yeah, I understand that, Dave, but he killed himself twice. You think they have that in the record? They're like, oh, and if someone tries to kill himself

twice, they can't do it. I think it would happen the regular. You could be like, I think this man's acting a little erratic. Instead, they're just like, that's representative Quailude, any thoughts? Yes, as a matter of fact, I have. We should get rid of ducks. I rest.

So you think acting erratic is bad with England's current prime minister? You've shut your fucking mouth. I'm a Quailude. By the way, before, did you say he needs Sheila close or Sheila's clothes? But they both make same clothes. He needs her close, close.

He needs her nearby, because he's an MP and he has a job to do. And then one night after he says he's not going to see her, then he goes out and he takes a walk in the rain for several hours. Well, that's a good luck. Yeah. The old land swim. Where's the olive oil?

Where's the olive oil? I think he's going to drown in that puddle. So the last. Well, I'm going to go for a bit of a John Wick walk, if that's all right with everyone. Don't mind me. Just off of what we call a point break. So now, Australian authorities are

trying to figure out what law he has broken. That's un-fucking-believer. Identity theft is not yet a crime. You can pretend like you're somebody else. OK, interesting. And imagine being a criminal here at that time that got caught. You must be a fucking idiot. Yeah, but they're also like, well, he belongs here now.

He's one of us. A British MP doesn't have to show a passport to get into Australia. I can't believe he might not have broken any laws. The immigration minister is discussing with his British counterparts and prosecutors. But as an MP, he cannot be sacked. An MP can only resign or be voted out.

Well, you have the fucking vote. No, by people. Oh, my god. Let's give him another shot. I'd like to see what this Clive Markham can do for government. Markham, Clive, and John for MP. You get three for the price of one.

John's debating Clive tonight. He's got two sets of clothes and hats. In February, Ritz are issued that claim John owes 100,000 to creditors, including 64,000 to Barclays Bank. And then there's also the missing Bangladeshi bank funds. And there's more stuff. So there's a bunch of different financial things.

I like that he at least swindled Barclays. Whoa, it happens to all guys. So it's obvious at that point he's running from debt. John's lawyer told them no matter what. John's lawyer. John's lawyer. No, that's a new name. It's still him.

Hey, I'm John's lawyer. Yeah. And my client. And who's representing you? Hello, I'm John's lawyer. My client, he's the best of the businesses guy. Mark, I thank you very much, John. Not a problem, John's lawyer.

Go on, keep going. I think we've got them in our pocket, mate. Absolutely. Celebrate with a quail, dude. Don't mind a quail, dude. Do you? Blop, blop, blop. Blop, blop, blop.

Now I'm the judge, too. Well, I don't find any problem with anything you've done. Quite a team, you two are. Time for the secret handshake. Reckon it is. I reckon it is, too, mate. We would have a big, big, big, and a high. Yeah.

So John's lawyer. We just started jazz group. John's lawyer is like, whatever you fucking do, do not resign as an MP. I resign. So John immediately gives his resignation letter. Nice try, lawyer, to a British High Commission rep in a car park in the middle of the night.

Of course, it has to be the craziest way to do it. Yeah. He's forgotten about mail at this point. He's too far removed. No more levers. When would you like to hand in your proper resignation? And three every parking lot. Thank you.

I'll have no trousers on, but I will be wearing a tank top. And my hair will be in a ponytail, and I'll be dancing with a carrot inside my mouth. Thank you all. Ready to go. So a warrant is issued for Sheila's arrest for aiding a betting. They've got the real culprit, the puppet master, evil Sheila.

She did all this. So she decides. I don't know why she has to go to Melbourne to turn herself in, but she decides to drive from Sydney to Melbourne to turn herself in. And then John hears that's happening, and he says to Barbara, we should also go to Melbourne to avoid the paparazzi.

And I'll stay in a room with her. And then Clyde will stay with you. So they're driving separately. This whole country's empty. Go anywhere but Sydney or Melbourne. Go to Darwin. That's where everyone's hiding in Darwin. Let's go back to the other big place.

So they're driving in separate cars. And they stop. He's driving. Sheila's driving in separate cars. And they stop at a place like halfway called Albury, I think, and. Albury, yeah. So shocking as this is.

Bit of pokey's. Play the pokey's before you get into Victoria. That's right. Lux on my side. So somehow the press knows what hotel they're staying at. And then as all the press is there, and they get into the room, John says to Barbara, oh, guess what, Sheila's also here.

What? We should go. We should go pick her up. And Barbara says, quote, I'm not having that woman in my car. I'll drive. You get in her car and follow us. I don't think she, like, Barbara's lines in the sand are not great.

You know what I mean? That's a perfect opportunity to be like, mother fucker, look. Fuck you. Tell her to get the foot instead. She's like, look, honestly, why don't you just go with her? Gosh, you'll learn a lesson one of these days. She can suck your dick while you drive. OK.

Wait. You wait until he gets to Beechworth Bakery on all those ludes. He's going to have the best time. Local. Local. Have you heard of a vanilla slice? It's fucking a sausage roll on lude.

Sounds pretty good. Yeah. Why don't you two play find the birthmark? So indeed, John gets into Sheila's car. But after a couple of miles. Barbara's been pretty cool about all this. But after a couple of miles, the car runs out of gas. What?

How? And then after a discussion, John and Sheila get in the back seat while Barbara drives. They're not getting a good Uber rating. I was just going to feel real Uber vibe. It's a very silent drive. And then they stop at a lake. And walk.

You are not going swimming. Just a quick dip. What could happen? I've always found bodies of water to be incredibly helpful. What are all those shoes for? Nothing. Just nothing.

Just let me lay them all here. The lake is one foot deep. Oh, foot you say, huh? Well, well, well. How does it leave one shoe then? So they get out and they walk around the lake to discuss the situation. So let's try to solve this with a jaunt.

John wants Sheila to stay in Melbourne. And Sydney said she should go back to England. Barbara said she should go back to England. So Barbara says she should go back to England. And then John starts crying and screaming that he needs both women and his life. And if he can't have both of them, he'll kill himself. Or pretend to again.

Or Clive gets it. Look, the truth is I just want to threesome. And then he ran to the lake and threatened to drown himself. John, that's it. Sheila yelled at Barbara, do something. And Barbara yelled, quote, you deal with him. I can't anymore. And then went back to the car.

And then she. I mean, honestly. This is their fucking breaking point. And the 14-year-old son still at the airport. Yeah, we're suddenly so much hungry, Jack's I could have before. Who's your hero? My dad's my hero.

He died three times and fucked a bunch of ladies. So Barbara stomps back to the car. Sheila runs to John. They cry and kiss while standing in the water in the lake. Like the notebook. As Sheila coaxes him out. Oh, by the way, as Nick mentioned, their son is in the car watching all of this.

No. This happens to me a lot. Where you're like, you know, I'll be crazy. Anyway, keep going. And then he's like, he was not in the airport. He was watching. How'd it go with dad? So everybody right there, what did I

do over Christmas break essays? I'm trying to grow my fringe long enough so I can't see any of my awful life. My haircut's cold fuck it. So they drive to Melbourne. Sheila's arrested. Charged with six offenses relating to John's fraud. She was in on the whole thing.

Him moving. She was a part of all the paperwork. Many papers just keep talking about during her trial and stuff how hot she is and what she's wearing. Like they just can't. That's good to say it's changed. The pipe has changed. Yeah, I was just going to say, the English papers

don't do that anymore. Various charges of fraud and theft are issued in the UK against John, but he refuses to go back. So extradition proceedings begin. John asked contract, John asked contacts in governments around the world to help him. Please, I'm good.

Yeah. Have I checked out at that Miami hotel yet? Oh, boy. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. New defense, I'm still in Miami. Anybody's like that one? I think that's pretty good, mate.

Oh, I'm not in Australia, then wear my shoes. Bloody hell. So he writes to Sweden, Botswana, Kenya, Bangladesh, Canada. I like the list order. Everywhere, Sweden, Botswana. The list goes on and on. He's asking him all for asylum or passport. It's not happening.

And his daughters are helping him with this. Then he refused to sign the document that would make his MP resignation official. So he'd send it that letter, given the letter in the car park, but then he had to sign some sort of official thing. He's like, I'm not doing it. He's really taking us on a fucking ride. He says he could be deported if he's not an MP.

So the House of Commons announces that they're going to debate on centering John, and he's fucking furious. On what grounds? Are you telling me I've done something you find to be problematic? Gosh, things have changed. The system really fucks you, doesn't it? So he writes a letter to the Queen.

Hello, Your Majesty. Hello. I've sent this to you on an envelope. It costs 19 p to send. If you're curious how I got to that number, I can walk you through it in the following letter. You may remember me from boring you some time ago. Hello, Your Majesty.

Now fuck you to step, man. Where, where, where? Gosh, what a rapport we had, huh? No. So he writes to the Queen explaining the extradition proceedings are unnecessary, as he's going to come back to England anyway. I'm excited, to be honest.

And then he leaks his own letter to the Queen to the press. Oopsie. Wow. We've been a parking lot. Barbara and Matthew have booked a flight to London. So John comes to the airport and tries to buy a ticket on the same flight. Let's sit together.

Well, I don't let you surely he's platinum at this point. How many flights does one man take? The press has gone bananas. And then he's arrested at the airport for attempting to obstruct justice of the courts. As he's being arrested and taken away, he yells at reporters that he's at the end of his tether. You did this.

I've had just about enough of this nonsense. I came here for a new life and you hound me and hound me and hound me. There's only so much one man can take. He says he will go on a hunger strike to protest his treatment by the Australian and UK authorities. Nothing but loots. Quote, what do they want from me?

John, you've been crazy. On July 17, Australia and UK reached an agreement. And John and Sheila are sent back to England. John is excited, he says, to clear his name. John says excited, clear his name. They landed Heathrow. All my names. Where he, you know, he tells the press

he's going to be vindicated now that he can finally speak in parliament to his constituents. That'll be good. And then he was immediately arrested there. He leaves the Labour Party and joins the National English Party. They had him? Still had him.

They still had him. Now, because he left the party, that made Labour a minority government. Well, I mean, that. My whole family are Labour voters, their whole lives. And they will fuck it at all costs. And they can't help it. Yeah, it's the Democrats.

It's incredible. I was just going to say, yeah. This guy's in Hillsong. And our Labour guy will go, watch this. I got COVID, week one of the election trial. No, that is like our government too. It's like, look, they're corrupted shitheads, but there are corrupted shitheads.

So this picture is he goes to a convention and every single guy in Labour ignored him. Like they wouldn't look at him or actually use him. I think I did die. Is my name in that paper? Am I in that paper? I came back for the papers. Am I in that paper?

We should go to Copenhagen. So he has 21 charges in total against him. Not bad. He's tried at the same time as Sheila on her six charges. And John tells the jury he was just a desperate man, trying to make good and do right by his family. That's why I fucked the secretary. Because I put my family first.

Literally. I made Barbara come first. So he argued it was his alter ego, Joe Markham, who committed the offences, not himself. I mean, who is advising him? Nobody, nobody. John's lawyer. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think you've got a good one here, mate. Couldn't agree with you more. John Markham did this to us. That's right. Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Markham it is. Yes. So he is found guilty on 18 counts. What?

And given seven years in prison. Seven years! That's nothing. Sheila is found guilty and given a two-year suspended sentence. OK, good. And then John finally resigns from the House of Commons a month later. What if he was to go to jail?

Could he still have been in government? It seems like they're really? They couldn't get rid of him until he was voted out, basically. So he could have been in jail, like, I'd like to vote. Yeah. OK, good. After sentencing, police found more secret bank accounts he had opened.

He declared bankruptcy in October 1976 and Barbara filed for divorce for some reason in 1977. Oh, boy, I mean. 77, still a year after that. A year later, she's like, OK, that's it. All right, you've been bankrupt for a year now. You've really crossed the line. Really hung in there.

John was released in August 1979 due to ongoing health problems. He had had, like, four heart attacks. This is him. Not all him, though, across the three men. Yeah, that's true. Well, good news. He's out of prison and he can finally.

No, run for office. Mary Sheila. Oh, no, OK. Boy, she was like, great, finally. We're ready. And they had a son. Oh, boy. Wow.

And is that son Boris Johnson? I mean, she's the craziest one in the fucking story. It's tough. Like, how bad are your fucking daddy issues? I mean, look at her. She's just adoring him. Yeah. I mean.

Cute baby. He's got nine names. He's got nine names. This little Clive, Johnny James, Joshua, Anderson, Parkman. In the 1980s, John tried to become an author, writing a number of political thriller novels. None were bestsellers.

I mean, how could he not write a political thriller? I know, right? It's just write your life. I don't know. It's pretty hard. What is interesting to people? He's some twists and turns. This guy's only been to Miami once.

Yeah. I feel like he doesn't drown enough. Hey, so I'm just going, I'm just trying to edit this. And I have, so your character, he's going from Chicago to Detroit and he takes 19 flights. That's right. I feel like he could just take one flight instead of 19. That wouldn't make any sense.

He needs to go to Mexico City to get to San Francisco, followed by Chicago, then to Waikiki. I've got to call my wife in LA, though. You understand? No. Yes, I have to call my wife in Los Angeles. She knows I'm there. But she doesn't know about Mexico City, does she?

But can't you just call her from somewhere else and say her in LA? Well, that sounds like a something Clive Markham would do, my friend. I don't think you really understand who you're talking to, do you? And by the way, I'm dead at this point. Right.

A dead man can't do that, can he? Yes. Right? Yep. Keep following it. OK, thank you. Yes. To Copenhagen.

On April 14, 1988, John Stonehouse died of a heart attack. On December 30, 2010, secret cabinet papers were released that show Margaret Thatcher agreed in 1980 to cover up information from a Czechoslovakian defector that John Stonehouse had been a spy for the Czech secret security service. Wow. That's how cool his life is.

Being a Czech spy is the most boring bit. Yeah. I fucking love to meet this dude. I think he's still alive. He'll probably get a chance. He's here tonight. John is the only known British politician to have acted as a foreign agent while a minister

that they know of. Wow. And Thatcher covered it up. I did not set this up for sound, but I actually do realize I do have the fucking video of him being interviewed. Oh my god. Wait, just play it in your mic. Play some of it in your mic, which is quickly.

I think there is a very good chance that I can obtain justice in Australia. The hearing in the court today is an example of that, the fact that bail was granted, although the English authorities didn't really have it. I've only received good treatment from the authorities in Australia, and I have no complaint against any of them

from the Minister of Immigration right through the whole of the administration here in Australia. So I think there's a very good chance that I can obtain justice here. Now, I shall fight this extradition because the charges that are being put against me are ludicrous. And if the full resources of Scotland Yard

can only produce charges of this character after all this time, then I really don't have anything to worry about. It's hard to find a birthmark on balls that big. OK, sure. Because what they're really alleging is that I stole from myself. I don't know how anybody can do that.

The company which they say I took money from is a company that is almost 100% owned by myself. I want to stay quite categorically. I've never stolen any money from anyone. It's not within my nature to do that. And these trumped up charges will be answered every inch of the way here in Australia. I hope people can now begin to appreciate

that I can face no chance of justice. Love it. It's fucking amazing. This story couldn't have come at a better time, Dave, because I was telling you out the back before last night. My wife came to my final show of the comedy festival. Her and her mate went out for a drink afterwards. And I said, I'll see you there in 20 minutes.

She had to go home because our baby was upset. Her parents are watching the baby. And I got home at 4 AM. And I thought I was the worst husband on the planet, until now. Thank you, everybody. Keep it going for Nick. Appreciate it.

Thank you. Sources for this episode, John Stonehouse, death of an idealist, Barbara Stonehouse, article in Woman Magazine, 1975, John Stonehouse, my trial, Julian Hayes, Stonehouse, cabinet minister, fraudster, spy, Julia Stonehouse, John Stonehouse, my father, The Guardian, News7.com, Time Magazine, Star Phoenix Newspaper, Canada.

And thank you to Charlotte George for doing research.