The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 54 - The Past Times with Blair Socci

Episode Date: December 15, 2023

This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian Blair Socci. Watch her new special on VEEPS Redbubble Merch

Alright everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date, history picked up by Dave Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither of us are guest this week. Blair Saki Blair, hello. Hello, thank you very much for having me. So Blair, you have a special out right now called Live from the Big Dog. And people can go find that at Veepe. Veepe's, yes, it's live nations, a platform, streaming platform, and they just launched comedy, but you can access that on my website,

wheresocky.com or any of my social media, Lincoln Bio, BLA. Do you use a lot of like, Socky bomb stuff on yours? Do you do that? Do you do like, did Jen Socky steal some of your thunder? What's going on there?

No, I can't say, honestly, that we've had a huge amount of overlap, but, you know, maybe I need to be thinking about that in the creative. It could be, it could be a fun feud. She's got the pee before hers. You could, there's angles. We can pitch that off, off air. But, um, all right, Blair. So, uh, you remember Dave, he's the guy who smoked a bunch of bongs for this. Did you say her Instagram? She's on Instagram so you can see some. Oh yeah, Instagram is at where it's up there.

Some good stuff. He's on my social media. And that's just to be clear, just to differentiate you from Gensock years is S-O-C-C-I. Correct, yes. Thank you. Yes. Gensock's hilarious also. She's a, I actually do find her to be quite humorous.

And her own rights. Okay, so Blair, I normally like to guess. So this is a new, this is going to be a random ass newspaper. Dave's going to walk us through it. I normally like to guess what year this paper could be from. Dave's kind of a prick about it to me, but he'll be very gracious to you. I'm gonna guess, and you're more than welcome, I'm gonna guess that this paper is from the year, 1908, and we could go all the way back to 1600. I don't think he will, but it could go up to like 1970 whatever you think

Yeah, oh wow. Yeah, okay. Should I take a guess? Yeah, take a swing. I think it should take a head Blind in the dark having heard the article. I'm gonna go I'm gonna go 19 21. That's good Wow, that was very close. It is 1900. So closer, but Dave is better. Better because Blair said 1921. So she had a one on the end. It puts her closer because you had an eight on the end of yours. So that puts her closer. It's a matter of fans are starting to say it.

In math in school, did you? Who are you talking about? Math grades? Who are you talking to? Did I do? What do you think? Did you do? No. So why you haven't challenged me on this? Blair, did you do well in math? I did. I had a B average, you know, math. I think it I had a B average, you know, math.

I think it was trying to be interesting. B, she got a B. She wasn't interested. I wasn't interested, and there were like phone calls to my parents. So once again, a double standard, I feel. But who knows. All right, Dave.

1901. 1900. 1900. January 4th, 1900. So there's a few days after. All right. January 4th, 1900. So there's a few days after the big turn. Sure. Casper Wyoming. So you can bet it's a hot spot.

Ghost time. Yeah. The Neutrona County Tribune. Nice. So everybody's excited. I can see the excitement. I can see it. See, first headline, divine is not dead. Now is this a John Waters review?

I think so. So this is better. I'm hoping that this is like, we've God's here. Yeah, well, let's see. Okay. Report that he was shot and killed by a rustler is a canard. Okay. Canard. Yeah. A fake, a fake death. We retired that we retired that we retired that one. I guess why is it people are not, yeah, people where I guess not a good word. Sure. This is shit word.

Uh, is alive and in good health, Judge Kerry asked the Tribune to deny the statement that he had been killed by a rustler. Who? Who is he the divine? Uh, the report that RM divine was shot and killed has proven to be a connard. It's a man. It's just a guy. It's a to be a connard. It's a man. It's just a guy. It's a fella. It's a judge. It's a judge, I think. Well, let's see. The Tribune.

Judge divine sounds like it would be like on RuPaul's Drag Race, like a judge. It will be. Yeah. Yeah. That's how what they should do. The Tribune yesterday received a telegram from J.M. Kerry, which says, correct the report of divine's death. He is alive and in good health. And, Gareth, that's the whole story. Wow. Wow. That's the whole story. How do you feel? I, you know, I, there's some, I want answers. I'm wondering, I have a few questions. What happened?

Yeah. What? Yeah. Consider ruling on wrong or what happened? And what's the rustler? What's the rustler? Besides that Mickey Rourke film. Well, the canard was that divine had been killed by a rustler. Okay, so there was no rustler at all.

There was no rustling. There was no horse stealing happening, cow stealing, whatever rustling was going on. It wasn't. That's what rustling is, is theft of livestock or animals? Yeah, I think usually a horse, but I think it can also be a cow, cow or cattle. You're really smart. This is a sort of yellow stone.

Yeah, this is very yellow stone. Thank you. I don't know if you should say thank you. I have farm, I'd like a farm by you say you you always like to say you got farm game and your wife freaked out when she found your farmers only profile. That's especially because some of those women started showing up to your house in the of the house. I was I was seeking farmers. That was what was so weird. I wanted actual farmer. I wanted somebody. Can we talk about grain?

Yeah, yeah, I would like to talk about grain. No, I'm not, no, I'm being. Hi. Aren't we all seeking farmers? Aren't we all seeking someone to talk about grain with? It's a question that I think we answer yes. Great. Yeah. Wanted to be boys again, not long ago, a couple

of Casper's prominent gentlemen went out in the country on a business trip. After transacting their business, they concluded they were just as young as they used to be. And they could swim or stream or walk a log with the same degree of safety that they did 20 or 30 years ago. Not sure I understand this article. So far, the top two articles in this publication are this guy was not killed. He's okay. And these guys are as young as they were when they left on a business transaction. That's right. They've, they've, well, they're saying they're younger. They feel younger. After business, they feel spray. Well, they're just, they were just out, uh, clearly out

on the road. And they were like, you know what? I feel like a young man, I bet I can walk that log. You'll probably attest to this. I always find when I come back from the road that I'm closer to dying. Yeah, I just feel decrepit and I need to go into cave for two to three days. Yeah, I need to go into Aaron Rogers cave. Yeah. Yeah. So, like, it is sort of like those guys though, like, um, I had a goal to play adult soccer this year. And I went one time and it was the first time I played since 10 years old, and you snap back into thinking that you can do the same shit that you did 20 years ago. And I just don't relate to these men at all. Yeah, I actually had to go to play children's soccer again. I'll tell you that. Oh, yeah, I don't play children's soccer.

And they tell you parents are just, I don't know what, forgive me for soap boxing, but I don't know what's with parents lately. You don't run the world, okay? So if some people want to go live out their dreams and that sort of, you know, encroach it, let your allowed to bring children up planes, I'm allowed to try to play soccer against eight year olds. Period.

Yeah. Yeah. Was this a league game? Yeah, yeah, it was an AYSO. Yeah, it was a sponsored league game and. Yeah, you're not... Here we go. Get ready, Blair. Get ready, Blair.

No one should do that, but as a parent. Uh-huh, here we go. You would be forced. I would be forced to beat the shit out of you. That's child abuse, because I'm playing in a children's league. Savings, you can't hit a kid on the field. Right on my child.

No, you, you're not a kid. You sound, you know what? You sound like you sound very familiar with those sort of takedowns. There were a lot of parents were shouting that. Maybe it was a cool parent. I felt like it. It felt like it.

I'll tell you what, you know how I gave them the ultimate fuck you is I put all those orange slices I could in my mouth Before the game even started people you parents your ivory towers Disgusting Did I or one time? I don't know was a while ago. I was probably around 40 And there was a pick I came right near my house every Sunday and I was like you know, I'm gonna play a little soccer And I went out and just like Blair said I just started every Sunday and I was like, you know what, I'm gonna play a little soccer. And I went out and just like Blair said,

I just started running and then I was like, wait, this isn't working and I just fell down. My body. My face. My body. Yeah. I threw up in my mouth. You threw up?

Yeah, because I was told it was co-ed soccer and then I walked up and it was 50 dudes in me and I said this is bad news But I can't the bad for rent I Said I can't go back to the car now all these schools will be a little woosey So then I had to lace up the cleats and get out there and Then I threw up in my mouth. I said fellas. I'm gonna have to leave a little early But thank you for letting me dance around you fools. The turnaround is quite a move.

I've done the turnaround. The hotel gym turnaround I've done a bunch where I'll be like, these are like real men. And I'll be like, I forgot my, I forgot my water. Well, I'm holding my water. I'll be right back to work out with a man. It was so long since I had played. I was like, shin guards look really different now.

These are what they are. I'm going to be protective. Yeah. Are you sure I'm safe with these? All right. Back to this. So so they they they decide that they're young and the first feet they attempted to was to walk across a creek on a log.

That's a foot feet. Well, the first gentleman got across, but when he reached the opposite side, he fell in and got his feet wet. The other gentleman having trouble leaving It's not that bad. This is a zinni paper. This is news in Casper, dude. It's 1900. This is huge. Real bad. The other gentleman then was going to show the first how it was done. He was not quite so corpulent as his companion. And he thought he could walk the log without accident and he started out. He reached the center of the log in safety and then fell in and rolled over in the mud and water. His companion helped his companion helped him out. And the two then

went up to a nearby sheep camp where the unfortunate log walker dressed on dressed himself and wrapped up in a blanket while his side partner built the fire and dried his clothing after which they returned to the ranch satir but wiser met. You mentioned hearing this story and being like you got to go tell the paper about this. This is crazy. You, one of you had to blanket yourself by buddy, save it for the Britain press. That sounded like a lover's camping trip. The ending. Yeah. Yeah. A little bit, didn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Man, you really, uh, you close seem dry. I don't need to put him on. All right, my clothes are a little damp too. We'll take him off, put him next to mine.

There you go. Or maybe someone, maybe someone stumbled across him and they were just like, how come you fell as they're naked out here? Just covered under a blanket. How are you? Uh, naked out here just covered under a blanket. How are you? We was log racing. We feel very young by the way. Extremely young. I feel like I'm 22. I jerked Dan off.

Easy, easy. Young men stuff. Yeah. Uh, Garrett, you're gonna really this will, this will really be, are you ready for this headline? I don't know. I feel like no, is the answer. People are gonna be very excited. Blair won't know. Cause calls Waddle a wonder. Wow. Holy shit. Dave. That's almost famous dollop episode is about a baseball player named Rubwaddle who played

in the night around nine. Why don't Dave? Why don't we take a minute and and Blair, you can go listen to the episode and then it's about it was about an hour, 30 hour, 40 hour, 30 hour. Yeah. Um, he was basically, uh, kind of an idiot. And he would, uh, if a fire engine went by the stadium and he was pitching, he would chase after it. He's nuts. He would enter through the stands. He would fight people. He would eat their hot dogs. He would, he would take puppy. If people would hold up puppies to distract him because he love puppies while he pitched.

He worked. In his off season, he would like be a lion tamer. He rescued like 10 people from drowning. He was, he isn't saying. And he is technically like a better pitcher than the best pitcher in baseball. Wow. This sounds sort of like a a like a Danish Rodman, um, like Ron Artest type of fight the crowd. Go. Yes, that part. Yes, he's a

little mallas at the palace. Yeah, yeah, he is for sure. Um, what else? Like a fire truck went by like the staple center run our test wouldn't be like I got to go But I've been like you know like Rodmin he was always get enough to like wild extra career Yeah, very much so yes Wadal is a wonder in his backwards Provincial verdant way says Malachi Kittridge. Wadal came to Louisville last season and practiced with the team in the spring work at Thomasville, Georgia. On the opening day of the season, Colonel Zach Phelps of Louisville, an eminent lawyer and former president of the Old American Association,

was invited by President Dreyfus to address himself to the president-Richard Dreyfus, keep going. Richard Dreyfus, to the players in a few kind, fatherly words. That's true. Colonel Phelps, out-chonced, chonced-de-pew in his happy little speech. I don't even know.

But he met with an interruption from Wadell who plucked the skirts of the astounded barrister and said, say there Colonel old boy, you've made a hit. You're a hit. If you go any further, you might queer yourself. Give Drifus and pull them a chance. This is the words of a drug person for sure. I know. What do you? I don't know what queer yourself means back then. I don't think we're a lot of.

Yeah, we would. Careful. Be careful. Uh, he also said. Pawn my, uh, Pond word, my, it's got to, might be open. I don't know. There's a, there's a couple of letters missing here.

Pond, my word, young man, bald, the good nature kernel. You are the freshest thing that ever went unsalted. It's just very much 1900 speech, where you're like, yeah, I think he's complimenting him but Sure idea what anybody's talking about yeah, I thought it was razzing him, but he's compilment I think he's like compilmenting I think he's I think there's some razzing it's very again

It's that's the thing with this time. It is that's why my book is at a razz or compliment is so great for crossing the internet. But I'm an unbelievably, but you really cannot tell what like you're just can hear something like it would be amazing to go back that and try to talk to people, you know, because everything would be like, come on, you're more uncured than bacon. And you'd be like, thank you. Fuck my fight this guy. Yeah, wait, what is going on? Here is another one on Ruben Dell. I was pitching in a close game for Tom Loffice team at Columbus last season.

And Jack shared and was umpiring. A wag in the grandstand. Imagine saving the umpire. Imagine ever naming the umpire now. I can't give a shit. Yeah. Yeah. They don't even need features. A wag in the grandstand yelled, say their rub, how are the folks at home? And do they comb their hair with a curry comb down in Pensey yet? See, rousing, but we that's a razz. But that is a fan razz. That's kind of how they they brush their hair with a curry fork. Yeah. It's wild. I think yeah, Rubik's used himself, Rubik's used himself to share it and walked over to the stand and soaked the wag in the face with a stiff right.

Oh shit. Classic Rub. I do like Ponce soaked. Yeah. Why I'm gonna soak him if he keeps telling me my family's coming there here with a curry fork. He's gonna be stopping. He returned himself to the pictures, Rubber, excuse himself again and struck out Perry word.

Well, so he punched a man and then went back to strike out another. Dusted their asses like it was nothing. Yeah, that's right. It's classic Ru Badel. All right, incredible. Yeah, that's right. It's classic Ru Badel. All right. It's incredible. Yeah, that is crazy. And that for people who listen to our show, we'll be like, oh, why?

Because it is amazing. Read the paper. I'm not going out there punching a fan. And then they're being no problem with that at all. Just back to the mound to pitch. I love a family and a professional athlete because the stakes are so high. I love a familiar professional athlete because the stinks are so high. I mean, I don't know if it was like that back then,

but they can lose so much. Oh yeah, but it doesn't sound like, it sounds like big, and it was like, Males and the Palace. You know, they just be like, and Ron Artes does now beating the fan. He's beating him mercilessly. They're not good boy.

That guy shouldn't have thrown the cup, even though Artes is actually hitting the man who didn't throw the cup. Doesn't matter, he now beating the fan. He's beating him mercilessly. They're not good boy. That guy shouldn't have thrown the cup. Even though our test is actually hitting the man who didn't throw the cup. Doesn't matter. He's identified the man. He think is a cup. All right, back to the center. It's time for a tip on.

Yeah. And then I'll have to execute you after the shit talking or the fight. Just go back to your low-key strikeout. No problem. We've got a three. Two and two Waddle on the mound. Wadell seems to be distracted by something in the crowd. A man seeming to hurl accusations of a curry fork for coming here.

Wadell shakes off the first option at the catcher. He's walking to the umpire right now. He's asking for a Tio. Not sure what's going on. Might want to stretch it out. He's actually in the stands. He's beating the man mercilessly. The man is being beaten. What else shits his hand off, put the glove back on, talks to the Empire back to the bound two and two, toss us another one. And he's out. He got him. What else? Thank you, Blair. See Dave dead eyed so So what so that one I want to listen more of the game what else do you want to follow what other the rest of the game what's the what anything is it

fourth Yeah Fourth your piece of shit Game at the asylum Oh the ball throws yeah, it's gonna be bad The Baltimore news the other day published a rather funny story, which was related by Mugsy McGraw concerning a fright he once had while he was coaching a college team. McGraws co McGraws Collegions were playing a team of lunatics at spring grove asylum when his fight occurred. They're playing lunatics. So you know lunatics.

Well, let's have a laugh, shall we? These regular collegiate men are playing a bunch of lunatics. Max said the game was exciting. The score being five to five in the ninth inning. A lunatic was on second base and Berg. The lunatic's best man was at bat. Oh my God. I was standing. Gotta get a while down in this game. Yeah. That's a wrong saying. Yeah. Berg had two balls called the no strikes. Everybody was rot. Everybody was rot to the highest pitch, especially Berg who was anxious to it.

Then Berg without any apparent reason suddenly dropped his bat and ran like a deer straight toward me. Well, that's unfortunately what you're going to get when you're playing lunatic ball. You never know what they're seeing or what they're after. Sometimes the game is within the game, but sometimes the games inside their brain. I tried to get out of his way, but he ran me down and kept on with nearly all the attendance and most of the team after him. He never stopped. And I didn't see him again. I'm dead. What I got my breath. I asked an attendant what I had done. He told me that Berg was sane

on nearly everything, but imagine himself to be a grain of corn. What the, the, the, that's actually the appropriate. That's the appropriate. This guy is 100% normal. In every way. They're like, they're the only six. Yeah, the only tiny issue, he does believe he's corn, just one kernel. Oh, so. That's the hitter, the hitter you're talking about. Yeah.

Does he, how does he have arms? Yeah, it's, you know, I wanna, I wouldn't open that candle worms if I were you. A man takes. Yeah, you don't want to, I wouldn't open that can of worms if I were you. Amanda. Yeah, you're really, yeah, it's a magic. You know what a break-em-out of that reality. By the way, do you know that corn has murderous tendencies? I didn't.

Yeah, he's murderous. The cause of the trouble was the appearance on the ground of a rooster. I am natural enemy, natural enemy. If you're a grain of corn and a rooster comes, you're fucking out of there. You're gone. There shouldn't be roosters near this man. There should have been a sweep. On a rooster part makes a lump. I can follow it more than now that I know about the rooster company.

But I still don't get why he beat the guy. He didn't. He just ran over. Oh, okay. I thought he like charged him. Okay. No, you ran. I believe he just ran over.

So he ran into his arms and he was like, help, help, I'm corn. Well, the side of the chicken always gave Berg the horrors for he imagined he would be swallowed in a ran-for-deer life. Yeah, absolutely. That makes sense. That now makes sense. That's the only thing that makes sense in all of this, but that does make sense.

It does make sense. Sort of, yeah. I still don't know why you're like, I got an idea. Let's have this collegiate team. Men with mental deficiencies. Yeah, these men who need help with their minds. Let's go. I mean, they are, they are, it is a college team.

So maybe it's just like, you know, it's a game. Like, there you go. Yeah, just because you're just because you're in an asylum. Doesn't mean you can't play baseball except when there's a rooster. But other than that, you can play baseball. There's going to be some hiccups in the game that you don't have in a normal game. Well, it sounds like it actually ended up being a really good game, except, you know, the corn.

Yeah, run. When it takes to play, they add some skills the kernel, until the kernel of corn got loose. I'm gonna suggest that the collegiate team released the rooster. They were like, how the fuck are we tied with the lunatic team? You know what? I got an idea that, you know, that guy, yeah, you read his bio? No, what? He thinks he's corn.

Oh, yeah. Let a rooster go. We should write this movie. And then the evil collegiate team decided to release the rooster based on a hot tip that they got. The night before, they were like, why don't we send them like some women and some booze? They're not gonna fall.

They're like, I think he's corn. He's not gonna bang a woman. Or will he? We'll just bring some roosters to the game Psychotic shit if we get tied in a late-in The secret weapon Bird thinks he's corn Hey boys, I got some information on the other team. One of the guys thinks he's caught. A breaking that down. I mean the coach. Hey fellas, look, this game's a little bit different

than some we've played before. Remember. The best hitter thinks he's a tequito. And the runner up bird thinks he's corn. You know what to do. Have fun out there boys. Yeah. Ooh, theatrical topics. Finally. Beethoven with his early struggles annoyed his neighbors with his piano and had to move along at frequent intervals. 100% would not want to let him make sort of Beethoven now that I think ever.

No, fuck no, absolutely not. Just banging away all day on this. Well, and like deaf trying to like figure out music, you know, bro, bro. It is well. Maybe loud sound. Now any loud sound in person, no matter how beautiful, it makes you feel perpetually out of control. Yes, I think he became amazing, but we're ignoring the deaf ears where he was like,

what? That doesn't sound like it. You're like, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. You're saying while he was learning, it wasn't great. While he was learning, I mean, while anyone's learning, it's horrible. But imagine if you couldn't hear how loud it was. Yeah.

It is well known that Beethoven was obliged to change his abode very often because he was such an indesirable neighbor. If Vienna paper has just published some new details regarding his sejorn in the house of a family named Klitschka. Beethoven treated not only his nephew, but his housekeeper very rudely and noisy quarrels were frequent. Oh, so this is way beyond the piano situation. He's a easy yelling everybody.

Yeah, that's how it's going. The piano too was a great source of annoyance, as the deaf composer used to bang away at it unmercifully. Had to be. Yeah. Just had to be like, just fucking smashing it. Like, did that sound good? And the house can go down.

How did that one sound? Worse. How did he, how did he? There's panels. The, the, the, the neighbor finally complained that he could not endure it any longer, whereupon the owner of the house called her daughter and said, go and tell the old fool to leave the premises. Where, he must be old, so he's old now.

Oh. Where, whereupon Beethoven packed up what few movables he had and sought quarters elsewhere. A room was to him. A room was to him as only a means to an end a place where he might compose and he never cared for the least elegance not to speak of luxury. So I didn't expect. So was he never like rich in his lifetime? It didn't sound like he was on the housekeeper. Right? Or it sounded like he was staying with family because it said nephew, right?

So man, that's crazy. But yeah, it's like the Nick Drake of classical. Maybe he had money, but just didn't use one of the guys that have money, just didn't care. You know, maybe he was like yelling at the housekeepers and everyone around him. I feel like most of wants aren't like super interested and polite manners with those around them, right? Well, I wonder too. I think, yeah, I mean, like, yeah, like to their work. Yes, the extreme artists are like, and was he not, he was successful in his lifetime,

wasn't he? I think it wasn't like people are like, bro, the fuck you do, everybody. That was awesome. And he was like, what? I mean, I honestly never looked up his life, but let's just say that he was. I feel like he was successful in his lifetime. If he wasn't, then I'm like, okay,

with the behavior of like shouting at people. Cause he was like, bro, I am dropping bombs on you. People are like, dude, I'm killing it. Dude, just like pianos for those who could hear Beethoven. And he was like, I will say. That's what you think. That's what you think. No, it sounds like, well, no, he was.

I know it sounds like he actually wasn't that much., he was. Uh, no, it sounds like he actually wasn't, um, really? That much like he was publishing stuff and no one knew about it. See, I get it. Um, this I get. Yeah. I don't want to defend shouting at your housekeeper, but he was at least like, we know his name back then they were like, who? Oh, I'm not that familiar. Now this chis, Kofsky fella. I'm not that familiar now this chis kofsky fella Yeah, let's see yeah sounds like

Not that much so I get it. Well, that's too bad I mean someone's gonna tell me I'm wrong. Yeah, that was just up to be broke your whole life and then become super big After you already died because there's no clue. It's totally pointless. Like what? Like who knows you should at that point? You're gone. Or a pull, yeah. Yeah, like your family's like, yeah, it's awesome because we have all of his money now, but really sucks for him because he was like,

I should have just gotten to Carpentry. Yeah, table. Like, yeah, table, table, table, table. Yeah, the whole time they're like, you really need to give up piano. What like what are you not getting and then Yeah, like I remember my brother once when I think we're going very poorly in my career and my brother was not Being rude. He was giving me a free dinner, but he was like at one point he goes, so what's your plan? And I was like, I don't know and if if I died there and then people like years later,

I was really good. He'd be like, I feel bad. Yeah. You know, why not still that tells me I can still get my real estate license. Dave tells me that a lot too. No, okay.

So he, yeah, he did become, he did, he became known. He didn't go deaf right away. He went deaf slowly completely over a year. So he could hear it. So everything we just said is a absolute bullshit. And someone who loves screaming at us for the five people just watch their cars off of bridges. Days of men are idiots.

How do you not know about Beethoven? I don't care. Reading. I actually don't. I didn't care. And reading about my name correctly. Actually, it looks like nobody knew about him until after. People are like, what the fuck are you talking about? Where are you getting your information? Just making it up. Yeah, they're just yelling as their neighbors are like, shout out over there. Um, there is a good deal of Yankee breeziness in your Australian.

Wow. Yeah. Indeed, he is more like the inhabitant of the middle west of these United States, then he is like any other members of the British family to which he belongs. No, no, the Australian is more like a Californian than any other... Extreme Californian. Yeah, extreme, well like a Southern Californian more than anything else. I still just picture him like Jack asked the country.

Yeah, where'd you grow, Blair? I grew up in Orange County. Oh, shit. Here we go. Yeah. Australian. Yes, very close. I'm Australian.

Where? San Colmeni, San Munga, Pastrano. Yeah. Oh, shit. San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan Juan, San Juan Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan Juan Juan, San Juan Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan Juan Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San Juan, San constantly arguing with each other as in Beethoven the argument starts in the electoral movement heads are broken and the combatants jump on each other in the aggl-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is so this is I have someone was trying to make a point and a classical music point Yes, and they didn't make they didn't make the point they were trying to figure out why I do chill. I don't fucking Like music boxes Just try and try to write a combative

I tried to write a combative. Nah, there's no why. Now you've even understood what we sign of a bag to Ivan. There you go. That's it. But that's huge. No, that's all strange to everything. They fight.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, well, they're like the corn people. They have the corn people. In Roosterlands, the corn people. In roosterlains, the corn man. Okay, notes of the wheel. This is how you know you are in a boring time. Matters of interest to devotees of the bicycle. Oh my God. This is like, mother's against drunk driving. It's a bicycle call. This is half. Humans against bikes.

It's like, man, just, oh my God. But also at this time, like, well, we'll hear where it goes, but I would have met, like, if you were anti-bike, that would be fucking crazy. Like it would just be like, hey, there is a way to get around way better. There's the bike. And you're like, no, the bike will never outdo the horse. The bike does outdo the horse.

I know. Well, here we go. You're fired. Yeah. So this is the headline is Americanizing Manila. So we had we went to war with the Philippines in 1890 America went to war. Well, surely they must have done something horrible. I think they I think they started planting a lot of beats and we wanted to run the beat. We wanted some beats. Oh, yeah. That's when we elected B toven. It's not okay.

You saw my face. I wasn't proud or happier feeling good either. In my head, I was like I got to tell him to cut that out before I said it. I got it. You got it. You got it. You got it.

You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it.

You got it. You got it. You got it. I believe it sugarbeats. I could be one. Wow. Seriously, what's a war over beats? I thought you were joking. I was hoping that other, I think we made up other excuses, but that was the main thing like we are sugarbeats. We were like, we couldn't admit why we invaded. We were like, look, we're bringing a democracy. Shut the fuck up. Give us beats. I didn't even like, we barely even have any remnants of beats in this country. We went to war over them. Yeah. We'll be back.

Um, I mean, I could be, I could be totally wrong, but I remember eating an article about how much, how much this is out. This is a good glimmer into my life. How much the beats were involved in the war and they were a big. So we've just replaced beats with oil. Basically, you barely, you barely even see a beat on the menu. in the war and they were a big part. So we've just replaced beets with oil. Basically. You barely even see a beat on the menus, you know? Yeah.

So we don't see them on the streets like you used to. All right Dave. Relax buddy. You're getting hot and spicy again over streetbeats. If any doubt has existed as to the thorough Americanization of Manila and I remember we just invaded. We just invaded this country. It's like, again, I just always vassalate between going like, man, we are the worst to be in like, I can't stay mad at you, you crazy son of a bitch. You are just, what do you want? You are wild as shit. I'll tell you what

you do, dude. Things are exciting when you're around. It's like dating a convict. It's like dating someone who keeps going like keeps committing the same crime and going back to jail. When they show up, you're like, I'll tell you, I can't fall back into your arms, but I somehow can't reject them. This article, which is the paper's leading editorial is entitled Bells on Bicycles. So it's from the Menola Times. That's what they're talking about. There's an article in the Men of time is called bells on bicycles and is in part as follows. Some restriction should be put on the bicycles

that wobble about frantically, ungoverned and silently, along the sidewalks of Luenta and Madacom. Okay, so I'm kind of like you have to yell like, like on your right like you should be or like in New York by I would say this applies to current day New York City of like there's constantly people falling to their death by being impaled by those Bikers if you stand in the bike lane in New York, it's just you're dead dead? It's, well, they just, they're just like, what are you just crazy? And you're like, I just, I'm sorry.

So I just, I'm sorry. I'm drunk, it's 2.30, I'm sorry. I'm not even drunk, but they like, they act like they're more, like they are the super predator of the streets, like above cars. Yes, yes, yes. Super predator bicyclists. Yeah, You heard it. You heard it.

They flopped. Oh, I already did that part. They flopped from side to side. Oh, no, I didn't. They flop from side to side in a distressing manner that would be commercial, comical. If we're at not at the same time, dangerous to the pedestrian, when they have learned the rudiments of writing, then it enters their brain to bewitch the world with their skill in plain, but vulgar English. They ride up and down the Louenta, holding on to the handlebar with one hand only or pedaling with one foot and shooting by a pedestrian as close as they dare. That actually brushing up against him for the pure love of showing off. Absolutely nothing changed. No, you really nothing has changed with this one at all.

Dave, and Dave, I picture you back then, you'd be very anti-bike. I don't think so. You don't? What would you think? I think I'd be a biker. You'd be out of bike. Yeah, okay.

Yeah. As however they have no warning belt to sound, and as many, why don't they have a warning bell? Did they not have a little bike belt? I'll get a warning bell is so funny too. It's like, there's sirenless. Yeah, they got, yeah. I think there's also, yeah.

I think the writer on this one, they should have figured out a warning bell. I'd love a warning before, you know, falling to my death. Yeah. Well, it's also like, we did the dollop once on like, when cars, when people were trying to figure out cars, and it was like, it was a shit show.

So it's like, you gotta find like a way in. You can't just be like, hey, there's bikes now. You gotta be like, hey, everybody, bikes go here, people go here. But instead of back then, bike people on bikes like, yeah, have fuck you old guy and old guy. Yeah! Bikes go here, people go here. But instead of back then, bike people on bikes like, yeah, fuck you old guy, an old guy. Yeah, you're the day.

But I mean, like, bike groups in like Holland don't do that, right? It's just our country. Yeah, well, I mean, they don't do it in Holland. No, I mean. But they have bike pads in Holland, like an extensive system. And they had so much. No, I mean, but they have bike pads in Holland like an extensive We have like gravitas in like a humanity to them those those bikers. Hey, but do they have beats from vanilla? I didn't fucking think so hello Come on

How much is their guess exactly? We got beats for weeks. As they have no warning sound, no warning belt to sound. And as many of them are clumsy with their toy as a cow with a razor, every now and then it results in the occurrences of serious accidents. What is it like? What is it like? It's like, okay, what about a cow holding a razor?

I got a dog with a gun. No, no, it's like, uh, like? Okay, what about a cow holding a ring? Like a dog with a gun. No, no, it's like a... It'd be like, what's... What's the most dangerous thing? Like a... A cow? Like a wolf with a grenade.

No, come on. Think gree sir. Think, think, kind of... Grab it with a bat! Grab it with a bat! I asked you to go outside for 10 minutes for a reason. Get outside. All right, I just try to help you out a little bit.

I'm gonna be, it's gonna be an animal with a weapon, an animal with a weapon. It's something like, like the bad pitch would be like, a cow with a razor. So it's like something in that z- Well, actually, I don't have that. Razor cow. Frog with a hammer.

Close the door and leave. And when you leave, close the door. Get out. All right, thank you for having me. I was, you barely invited. Your hands, friend. He said you would be here just observing. You've pitched bad stuff the whole time.

Remember he said, horny, yeah, go ahead. And the Meeba stop already go with go already. And go already. You wouldn't be. Oh my God, a slug with a heart. Boom. Jesus Christ. Only last week, two little children of an English resident were not down and nearly

killed. This was, this was Blair's point the whole time. Yeah. Only last week two little children of an English resident were knocked down and nearly killed This was this was Blair's point the whole time. Yeah, a day later another child I'm almost time from the two wheeled demon I've gone boom. I've gone boom. I don't know if I'll ever be up to eight chocolate again That's the title of my op-ed I can't. That's the title of my op-ed. That's okay. We need to do something about this right away. Hundreds of years later.

I don't like the attitudes on these guys. Yeah. A day later, another child was knocked down and another little taught. See, they're so badly scared. They're doing it again. It's all the ways the baby. It's always the ways the base, always the youth, the babies and the little ones are like lots of little ones are dead. So no more bikes.

So badly that it stepped into the ditch and hurt itself, calling a child itself is normal. We do not advocate that bicycling should be tampered with in any way. All we advocate is this. And it seems to us that our demands are reasonable, that during the most crowded part of the day, bicycles should not be allowed on the sidewalk. They should be made to take their place on the road, same as all of their vehicles moreover. We would have them carry a bell and sound that bell when they are crossing a pedestrian's path. It's not terrible. It's not terrible. If I were part of like the, if I was like part of, I don't know, like the writer's union,

my pitch would be like, what about no more kids? I just like, I'd like feel like coming at you, fuckface. I'd be like that. Why don't you guys stop fucking? Yeah. No more babies. We want to have this problem. Why don't you guys stop fucking? Yeah? No more babies. We want to have this problem.

You get rid of British kids. Get rid of the British kids. What do you propose for the cyclist toads though? Yeah, that I don't know. I don't have a solve for that. All right. I mean, uh... Yeah, just kill the British kids.

Yeah! Back to that. Uh, so this has no headlines. It's just a little bit of chocolate in front of your bike wheel. A little brittle. Sneak out from a bush and try to grab it. And then you run over his little neck. Oh gosh.

Oh, a chocolate button. Don't mind if I do. Oh, oh, my little bones. I don't think I'll ever be able to ask with anything with the pleasing thank you again. You're like the current version of the woman in Hanzel and Gretel. That was the... Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, fuck yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, that woman never seemed like a villain to me. So there's one need a little kid, right? But that woman cook. The fuck's a problem. She did it fair and square.

Those greedy little shits followed this free food all the way to her house. What do you expect? The will you get there? And then the woman wants to have some sort of weird party? Oh, I'm sorry. Where are your fucking parents? I'm just gonna just want to shit happen to most lads, kids. That whole story was just like, was it just about hating cooks? That's all. Yeah, it's a tough. Yeah, it's a tough chef. I don't know. You ever eaten kid? Oh, yeah.

Move over pork. Move over pork. I got a new number one children the other other white meat. This is and there's no headline. uh, this is, and there's no headline. A German has panted a process for the preservation of eggs, consisting in immersing them in an acid solution of proto sulfate of iron containing tanning to put the eggs in acid. Germany, no more pitching for 10 years. But one, trust trust us closing up the pores in the shell and preventing

the action of air on the contents. Well, look, it didn't catch on because people are like, I was trying to fix the eggs. Very nice. Also, I just need some grunt money. It's not fair. Everything is when you go to another country.

You're like, oh, look, your eggs aren't refrigerated. Oh, yeah, man. We're the crazy ones. I know. I was just, I don't know. I was in Australia, like, two weeks ago. And I was like, walking the grocery store, I'm like, where? I mean, I've been there before.

So like, I do, but you forget. I'm like, forget. You're like, they're like, I just need the bin bags. You're like, what? And they're orange forget your eggs. And they're like, those needed to bend bags. You're like, what? And they're orange, too. Yeah, they're like decent. Yeah, you're definitely like better eggs, but you're like, they're not in the fridge.

They're like, no, they're not white. That'd be yellow inside of like brown and orange. Yeah. Yeah, as they're supposed to be. Yeah, I don't know. But Julia, something to look into. I like my American eggs. Yellow. Real yellow, weird. 11 bucks for a dozen and weird and yellow. Thank you very much.

Hey Australia, keep your weird warmeigs out of my American skin. Fucking freaks. You're all your awful. Yeah. Yeah. Now you're not. By the way, looks like you got a lot of eggs over there. Australia.

We've been thinking we might come over there and liberate y'all. You guys remember what happened with the beats it's gonna be a repeat Yeah, edit that out edit that out editor. Oh, I try you got to do one or two. Can't do none This is just This section section is there's, there's no section. It's just a little blur at the end of the page. Sure. Uh, I mean, there's a one story right above it looking after a little boy in Tasmania,

a mother of 90 years brought her son of 72 to the benevolent asylum to be looked after. Okay, that's going to get my ball team. to the benevolent asylum to be looked after. Okay, that's gonna funny. It's the mind of ball team. And then right underneath it, eyes and lunacy, most of the patients in lunatic asylum have brown or black eyes. What the fuck?

That's great to know. I love to hear that fact. What color are your eyes? I think it's because your eyes aren't black or brown. Yeah, they're not brown or black And honestly, it's great. I've been worried so Yeah, until now you realize you're not in a lunatic. Yeah, no, I go to the doctor's opinion. I've Released yeah, yeah

Well, there's another one of those things too where it's like where people are like I've probably even had this reaction before you Like lunatic is such an unfair term. And it's like, hey, remember when we actually just had like mental health facilities though? And you're like, right, that's true. That was cool. Like, yeah, there's like so many of them. Yeah, because there was like stuff where you were like, oh, yeah, this person doesn't belong in jail.

Yeah, but also like, if you're like a woman and you cried one time, they're like, lobotomy, you know, well, I mean mean Dave still supports that to be honest David pitching that but Dave pitches that a lot Yeah, bring it back. Yeah, Dave was like that Gwyneth Peltro come on. She needs some brain out of that lobe No, look, I'd love to get on the list if there is one I'll bet you eliminate taste sweeter and life's a lot less stressful. Here's a little blurb. Mrs. Byron Alford of Eldred, Pennsylvania owns and operates a nitro glycerin and dynamite factory. So fuck yeah. So just little ladies business.

He's a bad bitch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you don't fuck around there. Dynamite factory. Yeah. Yeah. This is a fake story.

What do you mean? Well, I can I can. They don't like tin suppers, seeing a cartload of tin chippings being taken into one of London's largest hotels, the writer inquired the reason. We use it for rats, the porter replied. The hotel rat is bigger, bolder, and wiser than any other.

He laughs at traps, fattens on poison, and the killing or chasing of dogs cats are even ferrets is his pet perversion. It's an ad. It's, I don't think it's an ad. Okay. A script even even even when energetic measures have rid us of the pests, they are with us again in greater force within a day or two, they will tunnel through anything, filling the holes with broken glass was considered a good scheme until we found that with marvelous patients, they removed the glass piece by piece. Come on.

But like the creative, whimsical nature of that. Yeah, this is like the old doll. Yeah, it's something exactly like rolled doll. I was like, that's on like that one, which is moving. Yeah, this is like rule. Yeah, it's something exactly like role doll. I was like, that's on like that one of which is movie. Yeah, exactly. One's role doll. Yeah, that's great movie. Great book. You know, the difference in that book and the movie, the in the book, at the end, the kid gets turned back, it never gets turned into a

boy again, he stays a rat rat and his grandmother and he come to the understanding that they're going to die at the same time and they like that. And that's such a role dull ending. And in the movie he gets turned back into a boy. But in the book, the movie has a kid, I was like, this is the scariest movie. That movie is fucking crazy. Like the witch convention with that. I said, then we've been found

Zit Children and the rat boys like, you stood up in the theater and what's what cheering? Yeah, you're like, come on. Yeah, I knew it. Maybe it isn't ad. Okay. But we think we've beaten them for now with this tangled up tin. We cover all places where the beasts are likely to enter our sellers.

They can't chew it and they can't carry it away as they do broken bottles. For when Mr. Rat takes hold of a single strip of the tin, he finds it an inseparable part of a network weighing many pounds. But there's no. So it's like rat. There's no there's no ad attached to it. So maybe it's like maybe they're putting this in the paper and then the next day they're going to be like by the way, I don't know, it just seems very it does seem like an ad, but it's not an ad. Well, I don't see an ad. I mean, I look, I'm not saying this paper as like high standards, obviously, but if a guy was just like,

it's just about how rats can get hooked with this new thing, you'd be like, and it's from the percent, it's like a, it's kind of like a love letter to rats. Okay. Christmas tree made safe. Finally. Okay. Christmas tree made safe. Finally.

The fatalities and accidents that attend the decoration of Christmas trees with lighted candles can now be in a large measure avoided by the use of the convenient handle holder. Just patented. Wait, what is the issue we're finding that people are accidentally lighting their trees ablaze? Putting loose candles loose lit candles in their tree We let our tree on fire like we do every year and now everyone's dead No, you they used to put They used to put trees these to put candles in the tree

You would just have a little thing rested on and it would sit sitting, I mean, you ever seen pictures of that. These candles in the tree, that was it. And it sounds fucking ridiculous. Okay, well now they have a new invention that will not lighten candles. So it's a little weight on the bottom. I mean, there's a little hook.

And candles up top patented. I'm gonna. Okay. on the bottom and there's a little hook and a little top patented. I'm going to. Okay. So, okay, it's a cheeser catching on fire all the time. There had to be one guy who was like, we shouldn't be putting candles and trees. They're like, no, it's actually now a weighted candle holder for the candles and the trees. These trees are highly flammable.

Gareth, how do you celebrate Jesus Christ without putting fire in your tree? This whole thing seems weird. Think about it. Well, another home's burned down. Well, we had to. They celebrated right. They died doing what they loved. Celebrating Christmas the only way we know how, with four lit candles

in pine. This little device is so designed that the candle is always maintained in upright position, no matter what the position or movement of the limb on your chest is still. Sharks, my product's called the weighted candle holder. What are your margins? This is a, uh, this is accomplished by means of a candle holder and accompanying drip cup provided with a weight suspended on a universal joint. Okay. All right. I have to think, man, if everyone at the UN could smoke a universal joint, man, our problems

go away, dude. Any anyone who has had experience with the disagreeable melted candle grease all over the floor covering and tree hangs will appreciate the value of this little guy. I find like, which effective is simple simplicity itself. I find like My fake reusable Christmas tree annoying every year Wax I keeping all over your floor. I love that the concern was wax not the fire burning down the house But no more rails from the flame But no lard rails from the flame. Don't you know these about that?

The biggest problem with the candles in the tree. That fires keep happening. The floor wax. This is crazy. Ah. Last one. All right. This is like a little, OK.

Better left un-said. After he had kissed her and pressed her rosy cheek against his and pated her soft round chin. She drew back and asked, George, do you shave yourself? Yes, he replied. Everywhere. I thought so. I thought so, she said.

Your face is the roughest I have ever, and then she stopped. But it was too late. And he went away with a cold heavy lump in his breast. See, this was a story, right? I guess it's a story. And this is an ad for like shaving. There's no ad. There's nothing just to do in some marketing.

This is when like some marketing genius was like, we market it without the product. Ah! Ah! Inception about his unshaved face. Yeah. Made a problem so that you can create a solution. Exactly.

I mean, this guy's shaving situation just cost him, you know, nookie. Cost him a girl. Yeah. This whole, this whole, this whole section you shave yourself, it's matter of fact, I do. I can't. I shouldn't. I mean, so you have given up your music. I mean, so you have given up your music since you what? So you have given up your music since you got married, Mr. Mango. Oh, yes, I seem to have forgotten all I ever knew about harmony. Hey, what's going on? That's just what's happening in this section.

This is the same part. It's different. It's in the same section, but it's not the same stories. It's just different perspective border. Do I get all the comforts of home, Miss Hammond? Yes, sir, homemade food and an experienced physical, always, physician, always on hand. What is this? Is that Obamacare? What the fuck? What hard work? I Want some I want some think to her. Oh, this is all spelled badly. I want some tink to eat Very badly, sir wine the gimpie tramp to the gentleman. I don't know about that said the gentleman

Iing the tramp with disgust, but you want a wash very badly. Why don't you wash yourself? Well, grab the Trump. If I wash his myself, what are you giving me? I ain't going to work, I'd for nothing. And then it just says nuggets. It's like a chronic pirate fiction.

I'm turned on. Yeah. That's on like a scene from like a chronic pirate fiction. I'm turned on. Yeah. That's how I'm like a scene from like a pirate to the Caribbean. Yeah. I also like the idea that you're holding your stink hostage like as I was saying, Jesus Christ, wash yourself.

Yeah. What do you give me if I was? Ha, ha, ha, ha. Where else? What? What? I don't mind the smell of myself. If you do so much much let's make this interesting

Pay up pay up. Okay. Let me do words pay up So this section was called our budget of fun some good jokes original selected Gives and ironies. It's like that my cocky Fox show and ironies. It's like that, uh, Mike Huckabee Fox show. He's like, ha, let me do my monologue and you're like, literally what is happening right now. Do you hear the one about the tramp who wouldn't wash this tramp would wash himself? Uh, well, that's, uh, that's a wrap on the cash per while you're making your paper.

Um, there, yeah, we should all go there. Let's, if we've not found a paper, we all like in 10 years, let's meet there. Blair, thank you for joining us live from the big dog, beeps, but just go to your website or your Instagram, which is basically your name, right? website or your Instagram, which is basically your name, right? Yeah, it is exactly my name. Thanks, which is so much. So CCI Blair. Thank you very much. And I hope you have so much fun. I hope you've learned a lot because I think I know less than I did at the beginning of this

one. I'll be honest. I know. I'm going to say word about Mozart again. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. Or his brother Beethoven You'll never live this down your shows will never be the same Mozart's family will show up and be like oh you think all composers look alike. Don't you player? Oh?

We get it player Blair. Yeah. He was very different than Beethoven. Oh, the sea. Damn it. Damn it. Shit. Yeah, you're not going to live this down unfortunately. Sorry.

Open. Yep. You'll miss me honey. Some of these days.