The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 557 - Augustus Woodward - live

Episode Date: November 1, 2022

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine Judge Augustus Woodward of the Michigan Territory. Recorded live in Michigan.  Sources Tour Dates Redbubble Merch     Squarespace  

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Michigan. I don't say that enough. It's awesome. I had your tacos. He's air quoting tacos. Why don't you just not try? Have you considered that? Go ahead and don't don't just don't. You guys can do like what do you do? Schnitzel what do you do up here? Yeah. Do some fish get walleye or whatever. Yeah. Cook a bunch of fucking walleye. Yeah. Tacos? No. No no no no no no. It's really. Yeah where'd you go? That's what they want to know. Where'd you go? Stans? Well Dave here's the deal. Hey where in Mexico'd you come from Stan? The big part. So what are you looking to get on these things here huh? Get a taco's you want huh? Or the

after? Me? What city? Specifically in Mexico? Detroit. Yeah there you go. What the hell you want on there? How many pepperoni you want inside this motherfucker? There you go a couple slices of cheddar cheese. Let me put in the panini press. You got a fucking taco buddy. There you go. Nice stuff. What kind of ketchup you want inside your taco? Muy atentic. Oh. There you go. All right. Did you go to Stan's? Yeah buddy what do you want? What do you after? You want it in a hot dog bun or a burger bun? What kind of taco you after huh? There you go pal. You like that? Awesome. Get out of your comfort zone every while bro. Mess with the pallet why don't you? Mess with the pallet is exactly

what happens. Your damn right yeah. Muy atentic. No. Oh yeah. There was a surfboard in the dining room. Yeah that's right. Yeah. Yeah yeah. Yeah. All right. We have the practice swings out of the way I guess. And the dollop is brought to you by a Squarespace. Squarespace of course is a domain, website, online store, marketing tool, analytics, the whole business all in one. I first started working with Squarespace years ago. It's maybe a century. We've been around working together forever. Squarespace I was the first attracted to because it's very, very easy to use. Crisp, clean looking templates and you have to upgrade anything. They got 24 seven support. Everything you need. Look if you want to do e-commerce they

got you covered. They got online stores. You can sell products, you can sell cards, you can sell digital products, subscription products, sales analytics, extensions. It's all there. It's all happening. It's all going on Squarespace. I have my website at Squarespace. Gareth has his website at Squarespace. And of course we have the dollop sources page with Squarespace and then we have dolloppodcast.com where you can get all your ticketing links to live shows. What everyone do you want to publish a blog? You want to showcase your work? You want to sell products? It's all you guys don't want a website. I don't need to explain a website. Squarespace is the place to do it because it is the easiest. I gave him a little ribbon

the other day. I was like, you guys are great. Send him a ribbon. It's a best website company. So look go to squarespace.com slash dollop for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. You're listening to the dollop. It's an American History Podcast where each week I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American History to the guy who is in my van. It's our van named Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. Our van, not just in your van like a possum. Well, that's exactly how it is described in the show pamphlet. Here's an amazing thing that happened. We were driving in the van, our

van, and Dave tried to rub my shoulder and I said, don't do that. And he said, why not? It's the shoulder rub tour. And I said, no, it isn't. And he goes, yeah, it is. And then within 30 seconds he had changed, this is like three weeks ago, he had changed or two weeks ago, he changed it to on our site, the shoulder rub tour. And then yesterday, yesterday we're coming here and he shows me that it's still up. And I'm like, what the fuck? Just left it up. So people are like, yeah, it's fine for sure. Yeah, rub that shoulder, toss it in a taco, welcome to stands. Well, it's a shoulder rub tour. Now it officially is. So now he's allowed to rub me, which is fine. This is pathetic. November 1774. 1974. 1774.

Oh, November 1774. Yeah, see, we all thought you meant November 17 1974. And you were just being kind of cool, like 74. What's up? I'm in a van. 1774. 1774. Okay. Elias Woodward was born to a luxury goods importer and his wife, her Dutch. So is that his mother in Virginia? Yeah, that's his mom. Okay. She's just kind of tacked on like she had nothing to do with it. And the vessel for birthing. Well, that's father and the thing that puts you out anyway, they're married either way. Okay. Her Dutch family was one of the oldest and wealthiest in New York. And then when the Revolutionary War broke out, Elias's father joined the Americans and fought. Okay. But their landlord was a loyalist and he confiscated

everything they owned and that was in the store. Okay. The Woodward family is now destitute and they never really, I mean, I, the landlord, no matter like if you're a landlord, you're like, yeah, yeah, I believe the one where I get to take all your shit. That's which I subscribed to that. Yeah, that's which one is it? Yeah, I'm them. I'm sticking with them for sure. And they've never, landlords have never changed. No, they have not. No, I got you can't get a security deposit back. There was a spot. The spot was there before I moved in. Now it got bigger. I think just incrementally over time, the spot increased size. I've done nothing to the spot. It's water damage. Okay. I'm gonna take you to court.

Well, no, I can't afford that. That's one of my security deposit. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Okay. We'll see. Okay. You probably be ended up living in a van. With approval. A co-ownership. It's a co-op van. You're leasing. They, they never recovered from the landlord taking all their stuff, but nice. Then Elias's uncle came to help him and paid for him to go to Columbia College. So while he was at college, Elias decided to change his name. The name is Elias Elias or Elias Elias Elias. Okay. He thought Elias is too common. So he changed it to Augustus. What? I like that move. That's like when I wanted to be Spike. Elias is too common. So Augustus. Augustus. Okay. He was brilliant. He studied Greek. Better than

Elias? Yeah. So it was probably a good move. He said in Greek and Latin he learned French. He was very into city planning as we all are when we go to college. This could be so much. We'll have a stance. It's going to be unbelievable. Big things for this town, I see. His classmates thought he was odd. Sure. He's very tall. Weirdo. Right there. You should be able to throw things at them right there. Yeah, tallie. Hey freak. Please stop growing. I'm almost done with the drawing. Fucking guys hitting growth spurts in two weeks. Back then it was like you five foot eight weirdo. Yeah, right. Be three five like the rest of us, tallie. The size of him. Almost five and a half feet. His feet are enormous. A size seven. God zoops.

Biographer Arthur Woodford wrote, quote, six feet, three or four inches tall. Okay. Thin sallow stooped. Stooped. His long, narrow face was dominated by a big nose. His only outward vestige of vanity was a generous crop of thick black hair. His contemporaries commented on this sluveliness. On his sluveliness. Sluvenliness. Sluvenliness. There we go. Say it backwards twice. Sluvenliness. There we go. Author Mickey Lyons, quote, he devoted lavish attention to his hair and clothing, but was exceedingly neglectful of personal hygiene. Jesus. He was a stinker. So this guy should have just drawn like a couple like stink lines coming off. Maybe like a fly, like give him like the pig pen. Yeah. Yeah. He graduated and moved

to Philadelphia. I mean, when you're talking about like 1700 or 1800 stink, you're bad. You are talking like, like outhouse odor. Yeah. No, you're just like for people back then to be like, he's the stinky one. It's like everybody stinks. Everything stinks. We're worshiping buckets. Yeah. He had to be a fucking nightmare. Yeah. Horrendous smell. Just a guy rubbing shit on himself going out for the day. Yep. Minor. Anyone want to bite? All right. Just me. What's that bad cheese? Yeah. They call it tacos. Go to stands. So he graduates. He moves to Philadelphia. He starts practicing law. Sure. His uncle dies in 1797 and leaves him a small inheritance, which Augustus used to move to Washington,

D.C. Nice. And he opened an office slash home close to where the slaves were building the White House. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Funny how reality is really tough to digest. Like a stand taco. So he sets up a law practice. You got to keep the stand stuff in from the beginning, you realize. Otherwise, it's a whole thing. People like, what's going on with this stand taco? Like Eminem? Um, there's Stan. I hate you, but I don't feel so good. You said there was Mexican food starting in my neighborhood, but I ate it and now I got a bad, bad feel. You call it food, but that's nothing like a meal. I got some water coming out of my rear. Fuck, Teresa, you should call that shit future die rear. So Augustus is the

first attorney to establish a law practice in D.C. Oh man, what a time. He slept in his office. Nice. But his practice is so small. He's barely making a living in networks. He makes connections. The biggest one was Thomas Jefferson. Hey, he and Jefferson would be friends for the rest of their lives. They have the same political beliefs. They may have also hit it off because Jefferson was also a bit of a weirdo. Sure. Prove it. Historian Silas Farmer quote, the judge was very tall with a silo complexion and usually appeared in court with a long loose overcoat or a swallow tailed coat with brass buttons, a red cravat, so it was cravat, cravat, a buff vest, which always, which always open, which was always

open and from which, you know, what's up? The whole systems are trial and from which protruded a mass of ruffles. Yeah, that's right. No sour cream and onion here, but I hope you ladies like ridges. Yeah, that's right. These last together permission to approach the bench and blow your mind with how much I put up. Spam you. These last together with the broad ruffles at his wrist were invariably soiled. That's right. That's where all the sweat goes, you had it. His pantaloons hung in folds to his feet meeting. What? They're off. The pants are off. Meeting a pair of boots, which were always well greased. He was never known to be fully under, he was never known to be fully under the influence of liquor, but always kept a glass of brandy

on the bench before him. Historian James Campbell wrote, quote, his room was conspicuous for disorder, books and papers all over the floor. It seemed like he didn't own a broom. What? Or hands? Or hands. Paper? I mean, he walked in and you're like, are you okay? I don't. Oh my God. I'm worried about my lawyer. He's drinking brandy. My case is on the floor. He flew. Historian Silas Farmer, quote, whatever was odd and unreasonable, he was sure to do. What? If there was a thunderstorm, his chair was placed outside the door and he would calmly sit and take his shower bath. You're telling me this guy's stunk? The guy was like, oh, shower? When God decides it's time for me to shower. Once the Lord gives me a shower bath. So I mean, you're hitting me with a lot earlier. You're really,

it's not my fault that I can't stop talking. But look, he is brilliant. Augustus published pamphlets called Considerations of the Government of the Territory of Columbia. Some constitutional scholars still refer to the pamphlet today. So he gets into politics in 1802, which he was elected to the city council of D.C., but he's not into it. He steps down before the term is up. His intellect, however, gained him attention with the D.C. elites. Pierre-Charles L'Enfant was a Frenchman who served under Washington in the war and he helped come up with the urban plan for D.C. Based on Paris. Yes, should be a fucking nightmare. Should be a nightmare with one big circle in the middle of it. That's right. Like an ashtray where you just pop your smoke out

in the middle. The plan is quite straightforward. You like it, George? Fuck your grid. Nobody will be able to get anywhere. Nothing will be done ever. Nothing will ever get accomplished. Everyone will go there swearing they'll change the system, but they won't be able because of the gridlock on the streets and in the system. That is a total nightmare. Every two to four years you'll have a transfer of some kind of power and they will promise extreme change, but they will not do it either. Till the pendulum swings back and forth. Till eventually everyone just gets sick of it. It sits on the sidelines. It's a rich kid richer, the poor get poorer. Yes, what do you think? This is from the... Yeah, all right. Yes, it's perfect. Yeah. Really rich people. You won't be

able to drive through their neighborhoods. It'll be all gated communities and the poor will fight each other and they're like rats on the ship. Look who likes the bit now. It actually is true. They put in large boulevards so you could drive through the poor neighborhoods. That's right. Whoopsie poopsie. So wide boulevards with radials connected to central hubs and Augustus thought this was amazing. He apparently carried a copy of the plans for the city in a drawing in a notebook, a little drawing. He had it in his notebook. He sat down at a coffee shop and go, oh, look what they're doing. I thought that'd be porn. Excuse me. Same thing. It's a city plan. Whoops. Oh, that was my nose. I call this guy's a French tickler. In 1805, President Jefferson,

he's now the president, Thomas Jefferson, appointed Augustus as one of three Supreme Court justices in the new territory of Michigan. Wow. Yeah. Now he arrived on June 30th, 19 days before a fire had begun near the stables of John Harvey. Harvey had tapped his pipe on his shoe, dropped some burning tobacco into hay, and then it caught on fire. So was this when people discovered that hay was flammable, or is this man just not listening to reason? He always says he shouldn't do this. That's perfect. What's the worst that can, oh, goodbye, everything. Boy, oh boy, that's not just an old wives tale, is it? That really does go. There's no fire department, so the city was about 300 wood buildings on four acres, and locals tried to save the city with a

bucket brigade taking water from the river and passing it along a line. And that worked for sure because fire, bucket beats fire. We know that from rock, paper, bucket, scissors. Rock, fire, rock, fire, bucket, scissors. Yeah. The entire city was burned down except an old British fort and some brick chimneys. All right. And this is what someone- But I'll bet you the pipe had a great rip. I bet you he was like, oh, baby, that's some good cherrybacky. I realized we're all sitting here looking at our city burn, but I would just like to say it was worth it. I got a really hot rip off the pipe. Really enjoyed the pipe, and I've learned a valuable lesson. Not really. No, I haven't. I'll be honest. Yeah. I'd do it again. Such a good feeling. It goes into your lungs. Oh, it's the

simple things. I'd like to point out the guy with the dog is in this one, too. Yeah. Yeah, well, this guy, too, is like, tell the fire to stop. Don't burn more than that. I'm really just starting to get it down. If it could stop spreading. Stop moving. Oh, good Lord. So the new governor was William Hall. But when the fire happened and he had also had also not arrived yet. So the only he's like, what's good? What did I miss? How's it been going? How's my city? Hello, I'm here to check in. And the fuck did you guys do here? The state looks different. Smokier than I remembered. I guess I'll just I guess I'll live in that chimney. So Governor, yes, I'm the guy who started the fire. My name escapes me. But I wanted to let you know. Oh, we all know it's John Harvey. That's me. All

right. Every person alive. John Harvey. Thank you. You could have left me hanging out to dry on that one. And you really stepped in. You're quite the Pipeman. Well, that's what I was going to say. I apologize, but I wanted to let you know how worth it it was. This pipe really ripped good. I would love to hold it against you, but I've had a nice sweet rip on a pipe before. And I can watch the whole fucking city of Chicago burn for this one. Worth it. Absolutely. That's why people love you. You connect with us on a level that other politicians can't. I understand the people. You do. Still, we have to kill you. Well, just glad I learned my name before you did. So the only guy in authority was one Supreme Court justice who was there.

But he had no legal power to order any cleanup efforts. That's Frederick Bates. So upon arriving, Augustus, with the proper documentation to get the construction of the new city started, Woodward had he had the law and fonts plans for DC. What city is it again that he's doing? Detroit. Okay. So he he's got the plans. Sure. Yeah, of course, DC. Yeah, he's like, oh, and of course, DC and Paris are massive cities with huge populations at this point. There's 800 people living in Detroit. Should be fine. It's a city mostly that by the river that uses fish and water for crops. Most farms were along the river, very long and skinny. And the people meet with the new governor and the

judges and say they want to rebuild as soon as possible. But they are not allowed to. Right. Because Augustus has this plan. Here we go. Now we're getting somewhere that he is drawn up with radial avenues emerging from meeting places and parks. Okay. Yeah, I mean, very, very pericy. There's 800 people. Yeah, there's 800 people in this town. So 800 people. So everybody gets seven buildings. He's planning a city where blocks will be replicated for for millions as the city grows and stretches out for miles. He's planning a city for millions of people. Here's how we're going to do it. Once everyone starts fucking fathers and their portals with the children

inside of them. Now you people in Detroit, you breed like spiders, right? There's a bunch that come out at once. Yeah. You lay eggs, correct? They're egg layers. You give caviar birds. Am I right? The first plan he comes up with is a city of 50,000 residents. Remember, there's 800 people. All because he met this fucking French. Yeah, he loved the plan. He's like, this is so great. This could work anywhere. Well, there needs to be a lot of people literally anywhere, even if there aren't people. I don't think you're listening to me anymore. That's right. Anywhere. No matter how many people. So Detroit would not actually hit 50,000 for like 60 years.

He wants to put Bolivar down what was basically just wilderness. This will be Main Street. Shop after shop. Oh, just think of it. Once the people get into the city, then it'll be shop after shop. Bolivar's running through here. Oh, people will be coming off of buses and going, whoa, and they'll be spinning in the town center. Once there's people here, obviously, which won't be long because there's going to be a lot of babies. Like spiders. Like spiders. That's how they'll come out. Like t-shirt cannons, but children. Every baby gets a store and a shop and a building.

That's right. So he, all this ignored the fact that everyone in Detroit was packed around the river because that's how they made their living. Now that'll change. Once they realize there's big shops everywhere, they won't need food or crops. It'll be a lot of taco spots. People in this country will be clamoring for the famous Detroit taco. So absolutely no one is interested in 120 foot wide Bolivar's. Stop fishing and growing things. This little city. Especially if the Bolivars went through their farm. They're just not into it,

except Governor Hull. He's like, yeah, this is a great idea. Really good call. The only thing Augustus did not want to change was the location of the fort, which was stupid as, which is as stupid as planting a city of 60,000, 800 people. The fort is in a terrible location too far and too far from the river where everyone lives. Okay. So, so I can't protect the people because it's too far back. Right. Right. If ships pull up with men. Right. Which is the easiest way to attack a city. Everyone hurry to the fort. Take us about two weeks to get there should. Won't be long. But when we do, boy, are we going to pass some shops and stores.

Hope everybody likes malls. And then you can see the freeway is over there. Right. So, so super smart, but just enamored with a terrible terrible idea. Just not reality based. He's just like, you know, wants to do what he wants to do. Right. So all these people are homeless now because their houses all burned down. And well, if I got good news for you people. And he tells them they should think of what Detroit could become and plan for it. We're trying to eat. Well, but what about the theater? What? Okay. What about radials and parks? We need crops. Well, okay. He said it would become a city quote thriving with people characterized by

industry and a bounding in the production and arts which minister to the convenience and comfort of man. And they're like sitting by a chimney going, fuck dude, I need a fucking house. All I have is a chimney right now. Well, do you have any actors? We're looking to start some theater stuff. Anyone in there do improv or comedy? Do a little zip, zap, zap. Sorry that you lost everything. Would anyone care to be a sous chef? Had a hot new restaurant? Ever heard of fusion? Oh, about a curry burrito. Whoa. Who's this guy? You're going to love it. Just abandon your reality. I need food. Yeah. At a place to sleep. Well, once you actors unionize.

Fuck few years down. We're fishermen and farmers and there's like a Tanner like there's nothing else going on. There's 800 of us. It's not maybe write a musical about that story. And you could produce it on one of our stages in the big city. If I don't starve to death. Exactly. We'll write something about that. And then once you're doing these big plays, there will be stores opening up around you. And that's commerce. And then the next thing you know, you have spider babies and this city's popping. Motown, Motown, Motown. Boom. So everyone's home was just burned down. They didn't care. They needed immediate help. Augustus, however, thinks his plan is very generous because each white man over 17 would get a plot

of land. And then he redrew property lines. So everyone had larger and very even plots, which led to years of fighting and accusations of theft. Sure. It just caused problems. So he hires a Canadian surveyor. But to your point as well, it's like you're not going to leave the land that you are actively like where things are like fairly functional to go somewhere far away and be like, Hey, it sucks. It sucks. But it's even. Yeah, right. Yeah. He hires a Canadian surveyor to plot out the city. And as the survey gets to work, the people of Detroit just start building homes wherever they want. What are we all doing here? Hold on now. Wait a second. We need some time to figure out where

it'll work. So property and deeds back that are mostly done by handshakes. So there's no records of who owned what. Oh my God. Whose hand did you share? I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this. But because this is supposed to be a fusion restaurant, we hired the sous chef. Do you understand what the problem is? It's a big problem. I shook Bert's hand. Who's that? He lives over yonder. No, he's not allowed to live there. That's where the theater goes. The fuck is wrong with you people? We're doing Aladdin. Motherfucker. It's a whole new world. Judea, close your eyes.

So everyone's just fighting and lawsuits are happening. And he puts a stop to building and instead of stepping up, he just starts sulking. Nobody liked what I'm doing. I'm doing something wonderful and everyone's like, fine, just survive then if you must. See what I care. Brandy, brandy, brandy. In October, he- He must have loved Snuff, huh? Yeah. All because of the- No. No. In October, he and Governor Hall went to DC. So they go to DC to pitch their plans for the city to Congress and Congress is like, that sounds great. But of course, Congress is like, perfect, we're great. Later, Augustus admits that he bought the Congressman over $300 of wine and

got them plowed. Just never. I mean, it's just never functioned. No. Ever. Ever. They're always just like liquor and gravy based. Just like enough of both. Aren't you supposed to represent the people? Yeah, but we like, I know, whatever. I like to have fun. If I have fun, then that's cool better. That's better than fuck the people. I get stuff that I like. Why would I help people? Do you understand? It's the whole conceit of the government. Well, but have you ever had a vodka and gravy? Pushback. So Augustus ends up staying in DC until April. Okay. He's hanging out with Jefferson. He's going to parties. Because of the nightmare situation with property claims in Los Angeles and Detroit, no one builds a house in 1806. Wow. Wow. So when Augustus... He's just

having like a vacation. Yeah, he's partying and having a good time. While people are like, so when are we building this huge city? He's like, I'm having a little relax. Let a guy chill, would you? Have you heard of Jell-O shots? Yeah. So when Augustus and Hall come back, they bring with them the articles of incorporation to establish a private bank in Detroit. Oh, here we go. It is backed by East Coast investors who, it turns out, had no money, but were using loans to set up the bank. Wow. So, Dave. Fuck. Okay. So just obviously very cool, straight up. Awesome. Banks in total scam. Yep. Great. Congress was against it from the beginning. Augustus... There's that difference. Augustus was named bank president. He ordered one million in bills to be circulated, but there were

only, there was only $20,000 to back the bills. Wow. What? So... So he shipped the bills east, mostly to Boston, and that was done because there's a far less of a chance for people to redeem them because the bank's in Detroit. That's a problem. That's not good. Right. Because then he's like, well, we don't have it. But that was bank. That was part of a giant banking scam that was being run by an investor on the East Coast. So Augustus also approved a massive bank building made of stone and iron vaults. And lies. At the rest... So he's building a giant stone bank, and the rest of Detroit is lean twos and tents. What do you think cities are going to look like in 40 years? Everyone's going to be like, it's called a lean two. I'm right next to the Bank of America.

Move, poor. I need to go to the bank. So in 1807, citizens created a petition that blamed the continuing disaster of the city rebuild on Hall and Augustus. Quote, the history of William Hall and Augustus B Woodward, since they took upon themselves the government of this territory, is a history of repeated injuries, abuses, and deceptions. All having a direct tendency to harass, distress, and impoverish, if not absolutely to expel the present inhabitants and to accomplish private and sinister schemes. Here's what I don't understand. If he was like Paris obsessed, and he did have these, like, he's just not doing anything. He's building a big city. No, he's not. He's just like,

he's like, I got a bank. All right, relax. I'm going on a gravy break. I mean, the plans are moving forward to build the city. Kind of, but he's not bringing the people along. Like, there's no actual, the people. Build this, if I build it. It's that field of dreams. Yes, it's the same thing. If you build it, they're going to die in lean twos. It's field of schemes. Continue the quote. They have been guilty of unfeeling cruelty and barbarity by preventing those naked and homeless sufferers by then conflagration and from accommodating themselves with buildings during one whole year and many of them during another year.

They have by their intrigues and ridiculous maneuvers sunk themselves into the deepest contempt. Yeah, so they're not like, they are not bringing the people along in the plan. No, but the plan is to do their own thing. They're building a city of boulevards. It is to have a bunch of monopoly money. They got, they're getting, he's getting to build a big city that he wanted to build. Right. Well, people are like, we don't have anything. And he's like, go to the play. Go to the museum. What are you waiting for? Have you been to Madame Tussauds? Well, go. So the accusations of graft are very spot on. One of the first buildings completed

was Hall's governor's mansion. There we go. Finally, a city. It was made in a prime location. He had a man scavenge the best stones and bricks from the chimneys that were left over. Excuse me, I'm just going to take this. That's all I have left. Are you going to replace it? No, no, I'm taking this. What are you here for? Are those the bones of your grandma? I mean, those. See, we're trying to afford. What are you doing? Don't take her. I think these will be great to put over the doorway. Excuse me.

Welcome in bones. You have pretty loose skin. Ever thought about being a briefcase? What? We're building a city for everybody. Jesus Christ. Are you here to fix the town? No. Fuck you. The mansion was built right on the river and when it was done, Augustus then bought it and turned it into a hotel and boarding house. What is going on? So they built the governor's mansion.

He built it on like the city. On the river, they built the governor's mansion and then Augustus is like, I like that. You built it. I'm going to buy it now. You just built it. No, the city built it. But you're in charge of the city. But now it's mine. I'm not sure if this is okay. Wait. Don't we need a hotel? No. After all, no one could live anywhere. For all the tourists.

Brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy. What in the name of God, a hotel? Well, why live in a lean to when we've got a penthouse? We're dying. Well, someone's a big downer. So much drama. Geez. So now he has the bank things built and he's got the hotel slash boarding house. Now he buys 1280 acres from on the northern outskirts,

which he plans to turn into a model village. A model village? A model village for his ideas and plans. The notorious secret town. So John Gentle was a Scottish trader who had been working on... That's right. But I'm not one of those tough, acerbic Scots. I'm Johnny Gentle.

It's going to be okay. Hey. Come here, put your head on my bosom. No. No, it's a little bit weird. It's a little creepy. Come here, sit on my lap. I'm not comfortable with that. Oh, no. Got undies under the old Keltipoo. What?

Aye, that's right. Those aren't black pipes. Those are my down south. Got a bit of a fucking nose down there if you don't mind me saying. Jesus. Aye, Srei. Aye. It's called baby Augustus.

It likes a brandy as well. Anyway, you were saying, go on, love. He had been working on the riverfront for years before the fire, but now Augustus denied his property claims saying he was not a citizen. Oh, here we go. So Gentle is pissed. You wouldn't like to see Gentle upset. I become big.

Well, go on. Gentle was pissed and published a bunch of parodies portraying Augustus as grotesque, greedy, foul mouth and a lecherous man. Labels that would stick to him forever and even come up today. It could be where the big nose thing came from. Right, yeah, right. But there are people like, no, he did have a big nose,

but maybe in the pictures it is a little extreme. Right, yes, right. Yeah, I think that like the worst he became, people are like, it's about this big. How did Augustus battled over who, so now they're fighting over who controls Detroit. Augustus has the other judge baits in his pocket and he would do whatever Augustus wanted. Nice. Nice.

So he like Augustus controls the city. So Augustus controls the court and he uses it to crush all legislative progress. He's also, like we say, he's a champion powder. He Augustus champion, what? Powder. He pouts like nobody. A powder. He pout.

It pout. I thought you meant like, don't let me hold the bag powder. Like he was like. That was an eight ball. Bye bye. Look at my nose. Scarface lives in my nostril. So that's how he responded to any criticism as he would start pouting.

In court, sometimes he would tell the clerk to mark him as absent. And one time a lawyer berated the court and another judge said to Augustus, quote, shall we endure this? And Augustus said, quote, I consider myself absent. We all do. So Michigan had outlawed slavery in 1787, but but property owned by British citizens was protected, which included slaves. Do you want to cheer now?

It's illegal, except for the British. They're awesome. They can still own people. Well, what you've not understood is that most of Michigan is Britain. And we've not outlawed slavery. So in 1793, British law was changed. And now the children of slaves owned by Canadians were to be freed when they were 25. Okay, boy.

So really, we fucking caveat the fuck. I mean, just a nightmare. This is like the Obamacare for slavery. Yeah. Oh, man. So it's it's just a confused mishmash of rulings and laws now. So that's why they call it Michigan. Remember that guy clapped when slavery was made illegal in me booed at the caveat.

In 1807, a British named Tucker brought a family of six slaves, the denizens, and then he moved to Detroit. Okay. His will said the parents would be freed, but the children would remain slaves. Can you fucking imagine like letting your will dictate further slavery? Oh, can I imagine it? Oh, sorry. But to be like, yes, I know I'm gone.

But here's who I'll keep as slaves. It's pretty weird. Yeah. But pretty normal, too. At the time. Yeah. But also like about this, the parents are free and the kids are not. Yeah.

That's going to cost such fuck Thanksgiving. Yeah. Thanksgiving, a holiday that represents the time. What a great place. So the father, the father takes it to court and Augustus rules three of the four kids would remain slaves because they were born before 1793 when the British law was changed. So it's a one kid gets free with the parents. Right.

Yeah. Now, a month later, a Canadian merchant brings a 20 year old slave to Detroit and she escapes. And she goes to Smith's Tavern, which is the Tavern in Detroit. And the slave owner comes with his sidekick and the Tavern crowd fights him off. And actually Tars and feathers the assistant. Now you may. Yeah. Now now you can cheer.

Don't come to fucking Detroit. This is fucking Hockey Town. And then Augustus was like, ah, a fellow bird. Hello. We're a rare breed around here. They're going to look at a strange. Here's what I do when I go home. That's when I warm my eggs.

You should do the same there, friend. By the way, some of your feathers are not you should clean yourself more. And that's coming from me, a man who stinks like an outhouse. So the owner sues and Augustus ruled fleeing slaves would not be prosecuted. And then the Denilson kids heard that and they just took off to Canada. So the Denilson kids hear that. And I mean, that is like, I mean, that is obviously like a rule where you'd be like, okay, well, take care now.

Wait, but damn that, I guess that would be appealing, wouldn't it? So they couldn't be arrested because of the ruling. One of them actually came back years later and was like a property owner and did very well. Okay. So basically Augustus's ruling led to decades of like wild slave escapes and conflict in Detroit over slavery. Sure. And our guy named John Whipple had been a captain in the army and he was a friend of Hull.

So Hull appointed Whipple as an Indian interpreter. Now is Whipple similar to this man? No, we have no idea what Whipple looks like. He's a white guy. We just know. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, well, then I think we're good.

I mean, what guy named Whipple is not a white guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So after the appointment, Whipple sees Augustus on the street. And you really kind of have ruined this guy. And attacks him. Augustus attacks Whipple? No, Whipple attacks Augustus. And he called Augustus, quote, a damned rascal.

Language, language. So they fight and then Whipple gets arrested and Augustus wants to try him with the two other judges. He wants to be a part of the judge. He wants to be one of the judges. Yes. Right. But they, they end up.

It's like the voice. Yeah, but they end up talking him out of it. Whipple ends up being convicted and fined $50, but then Hull immediately remitted the fine, which is just a way to tell Augustus to fuck off. Right. So Augustus is now often being accused of drunken public. Wow. I just, I'm like, this dude's life is so valueless.

Like he's just been an absolute fuck his whole life. He's like, he was smart. And then he's just been a fucking asshole who like had a big plan for Detroit. But then he's like, okay, let's just party. And then now he's just partied. And now he's like, well, I mean, let's just keep partying. And everyone's like, what about Detroit? He's like, do what?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it couldn't be amazing. We have a big mainstream with lots of stores and shops. Oh man, you're going to love Detroit. I'm getting close to it. What am I like, 50 now? I'm dying soon.

Yeah. So he's, he's drunk of public. Like I said, a lot. Each night he would go to Mac and, uh, Cunnant store. Mac and cunts? Cunnants. Excuse me?

Cunnants. Cunnant. Cunnant. Better. Okay. Cunnant. I think you're so addicted to that word that you're like, that's how you say it. Does it matter?

It's more fun the way I did it. Sure. He would go there every night and sit and talk and drink a pint of whiskey. A pint of whiskey. I assume that's what it looks like. Sure, yeah. There's no picture of it. But I think that's what it was.

Isn't it amazing that in this country, you can like liquor and check cashing have just kind of like conflated into like, get drunk and then get your money. Make the decisions you're ready to make. Yeah. It's good. It's fine. One day the store clerk gave him a bill for whiskey and Augustus said,

it was ridiculous to charge him for a little whiskey. And the clerk said, quote, but it is not a little. It is a good deal. I kept count and I find you have drank three gallons and a half. It's good. It's great too because he like doesn't remember drinking all that. So he's like, me?

I don't drink that much. I don't remember drinking all that whiskey. Oh, there we go. Fuck. So he paid the bill. Okay. So he was also he was known to hear court cases at Smith's Tavern with lots of brandy. What? He was at the Tavern?

Not uncommon, very common for. Common to have trial. Can we get another round for my buddy? Now, what was your deal? You there or you another? Okay, hold on. To a fucking good time. To good to good.

No, no, to great bros. Who I always love. Hold on, sir. Who I love and I never stop. Yeah, bro. Fuck you, Tony. All right, relax, relax. Tell your shit.

All right. We're doing a trial right now. What did you do in a trial, motherfucker? I don't like to treat the witness as hostile. I'm the witness. I'm gonna kick your ass. Fucking. Was that whiskey?

Bitch. So anyway, what happened? Can we get some jalapeno poppers and curly fries too? That'll soak up some of the booze. I'm Miss Linda. Okay, all right. Guilty! Sorry.

We find you guilty. I don't have a bad judge. You're a good judge. Of women. Breathe through it. Breathe through this. Breathe through this. Breathe through this. Stop writing that down. Breathe through this.

Oh, God. All right. Permission to get a bucket. Permission granted. Just open my nostrils. You're a bro. You're a bro. You're a bro.

You're a bro. All right. Oh, my God, I gotta stop going to court. You're fine, dude. You're doing great. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Shut up. You're doing awesome. Every time I go to court, the next morning I want to kill myself. So, it's very common, like I said,

for court to be held in taverns. Tavern court. And even like the Supreme Court back then at the very beginning would sometimes. Well, by the way, if Kavanaugh had his way. Can we take a recess while Scweeb gets me another bearded shotgun? Scweeb, bring it over. This might mean Scweeb. So, they would start at midday

and go until 2 or 3 in the morning. Fucking, I mean, shitfix. Perfect. I mean, that's like football. That's like Sunday football hours. If you have a court case, you're like, oh, God, let it be at fucking 2PM and not, I don't want the 1AM. I want noon. Give me noon.

Just before the first round of shots. Shit. They're doing shots. This is not good. It's anybody's game today. What was your case? Jesus Christ. So, Arthur Woodford quote, judges and attorneys eating lunch and passing the bottle back and forth between bench and bar

while hearing was in progress. So, very common. I mean, it is justice. Honestly, I just don't know what system is better. The toss-up. So, he has a hateful relationship with another judge who was recently appointed by Jefferson of the Supreme Court

in Michigan, James Witherill. They disliked each other so much that during Tavern Court, they would sit with their backs to each other and say, you know, I don't know what system is better. I don't know what system is better. In Tavern Court, they would sit with their backs

to each other. Jesus Christ. I mean, what? And if Augustus got bored, he would tell the clerk to mark him absent and then lean back in his chair and fall asleep. Okay. Here's the one thing I'm fighting for.

The one you're not enjoying work saying you're absent. Yeah, absolutely. I'm absent. Mark me as absent, honestly. I'll have another... One time, a lawyer started talking shit about Augustus while he was sleeping,

and Witherill poked him and started teasing him. And Augustus sat up and braided the lawyer, threatening him with contempt. And the lawyer said, quote, you can't cite me. You're not here. The record shows you're absent. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

You can't cite me. You're not here. Is an amazing thing to wake up to. LAUGHTER Right. LAUGHTER Is a before. Augustus then screamed at the clerk,

mark me present! Now I'm back! Now I'm back! Now I'm back! He was still slovenly, as they say. Getting a judicial second wind is just... LAUGHTER

I think I could do a little more. So he remained slovenly for years. When he went to Green Bay to hold court, he would just bring one shirt at his luggage. Oh, boy. I've done that. I've done that for sure. Well, the one-shirt luggage?

LAUGHTER I'll be all right. LAUGHTER That is phenomenal. What a great pack, just in case a puke on the rope. LAUGHTER So the governor and judges would enact any law that had

could enact any law that had been passed in another state. Wow. Sometimes during a trial, they'd hear of a law and then adjourn court and then say they were the legislature and assemble

as a legislature, then pass the law, then go back and declare themselves a court again and make a ruling. Well, we'd actually like to cite a law for a court lunch and it kind of upsends your case a little bit.

This is great. OK. Can we just officially declare that we over-romanticize the founding of this country in every fucking way? That we are completely obsessed with a fucking...

We are just obsessed with a fairy tale. We just keep going like, come on, they planned it so perfectly. They were fucking just drunk. They were just drunk. They were just at a bar being like, what are you gonna do? And we're like, man,

they were so shrewd and smart back then. Thomas Jefferson's hair alone should just negate everything. LAUGHTER They were so genius and brilliant at founding. They were so smart.

The slaveholders, the drunk slaveholders were just... They really got it. What are you gonna... The right to bear arms is in the Constitution from these drunk men who had sl...

You do not! No! No! LAUGHTER Perfect men. Perfect... The powder, wig, wearing, toothless, drunk, stinky, bearded, weird bearded lips.

They knew everything! APPLAUSE They got it! LAUGHTER No! No! LAUGHTER It's just an audience who doesn't get it. LAUGHTER

One time, an American Indian went on trial for murder, and Augustus noticed they couldn't get a conviction of territorial law, so they became a legislature, enacted a law, became a court again, and then sentenced him to death. What the fuck? Wow!

LAUGHTER I jumped in with my comedy too early. You did? I mean, but like today, it's like, whatever judge you get, I mean, you're very... It is a very malleable system where you could just be like,

if you get the wrong judge, especially now that judges are... Yeah, yeah. The trumpet, it's all smattered everywhere, and good luck. In 1808, people... Just fucking seeds everywhere, just like... Ah, those'll be dumb plants soon.

LAUGHTER In 1808, people in the East tried to redeem the Bank of Detroit banknotes only to discover the bank had just closed. Sorry. Sorry, bank closed. It's an escape room now. Someone's got a downtown.

LAUGHTER A cascading effect due to the Boston investor being behind the entire scam led to the very first collapse of banks in the U.S. A tradition will keep going for as long as we can.

LAUGHTER So Augustus is now constantly fighting with Hall, a trader named Whitmore Nags. So he's a friend of Hall's and Hall had just given him a job, and right after he got the job, he bumps into Augustus at an afternoon tea party. LAUGHTER

And says to come outside with him. OK. And he's very angry that Augustus had just censored the governor during a legislative session. And outside, he yelled at and threatened Augustus, and then he hit him in the chest,

and Augustus fought back, and the two men had a good old-fashioned fistfight. And Nags was cloaked well-bloodied. Yeah, see, you don't hit a dude who's got a ruffled, like, outfit on in the chest. Like, Augustus is like a punch-out character.

Just nose, nose, nose. Work the nose, work the nose, work the nose. Nostril, nostril. Yeah. Yeah, you don't go like, ah, I'll hit him where his feathers are. Oh, you hit me in the pillow! LAUGHTER It's like punching a duvet.

LAUGHTER So, afterwards, Augustus went back into the tea party. Back in, he's like, anyway. But the next day, Augustus had Nags arrested for assault and battery. Mm-hmm. And Nags appeared in court

in front of Augustus. Oh, hello, what brought you here? Oh, who filed those charges? Oh, that's not good for you, is it? LAUGHTER We're a legislature. Anyone named Nags needs to be put to death. Again, boom!

LAUGHTER Your head's spinning, ain't it? And he refused to recuse himself, and he put Nags... Yes, the refusal cues. Yes. The refuse cues. And he put Nags under a $3,000 bond to keep the peace. Jesus.

He then filed a $20,000 civil lawsuit against Nags. He, and I'll be seeing... Oh, look, a lawsuit? Boy, I think I've got a good point there. LAUGHTER Guilty. Naturally, people were very upset about this. The Speaker of the House of Representatives

wanted to charge Augustus with misconduct, but right before it happened, the War of 1812 broke out and it was all forgotten. LAUGHTER Buddy... LAUGHTER

It is the same playbook, different quarterback. LAUGHTER So the war is on and the British and Tecumseh moved to take Detroit in the summer. I mean, I'm listening. Yep. They moved to take Detroit

and on August 12th, 1812, after he's deceived by the British... I thought you said deceased. After Hull is deceived by the British and the Native American forces, they pretended like

they were much larger than they actually were. Like a letter, which... We're a lot of people. He's like, oh, that checks out. LAUGHTER That's not good. They were sending a letter between themselves, which they wanted to get intercepted,

and it was... I don't know. I mean, there's too many of us. Won't it just be an onslaught? Yeah, but what are we going to do? I guess we'll just end it real quick. Yeah, I guess I wanted to give them a fair fight, but I guess we just won't. Dominate!

LAUGHTER And he's like, oh, my God. They're doing cheers. LAUGHTER So Hull quickly surrendered to Detroit. So rumors were Hull was drunk before he surrendered and said,

quote, the Indians are numerous beyond example. Buddy, can you be sober for a thing? LAUGHTER Hull would end up being court-martialed and neglected duty, and he got the death penalty. Can we bring that back?

Cowardice? Yeah, and dereliction of duty. Oh, yeah, I'm all for that. I mean, it feels like we would be like, and you, and you, and you, and you. It's Oprah with cars, but with dereliction slips. LAUGHTER

So he got death, but President Madison commuted it and just dismissed him from the Army because he had done a good job during the revolution. He did do a good job. British Army officer Henry Proctor, so he's in charge of Detroit now, so he asks Augustus to be

Secretary of the Territory, which puts Augustus in a tough spot because working under the enemy is basically being, it's treason. Right. So he writes a letter to Washington saying he's innocent and was just going to try to help the people of Detroit.

Proctor's a fucking monster. He lets the American Indians just attack settlements at will. Lots of people are being killed. Augustus would do what he could to help people, and those in Detroit are very happy about it. About Augustus's health.

Yeah, he's genuinely helping people. The bar is that low. By the way, I'll be at that bar. LAUGHTER He organized funding to pay rancors for the hostages being taken by tribes. Proctor just completely refuses to follow the rules of war,

which led to a massacre of American POWs at Frenchtown, which became known as the River Raisin Massacre. And Augustus was a, he arranged for safe transport for the survivors of the massacre.

So people in Detroit see Augustus as being really important and helpful during the war. But after being so fucking horrendous. Yeah, but it's all what you do in the moment. Right. He would plead to make peace to Congress a lot for food and clothing

to be sent and eventually reinforcements to take the city. But right before the River Raisin Massacre, he was about to go to DC to defend himself, because everyone is saying he's treasonous and colluding with the enemy.

But then that kind of went back because he helped people out. There's a lot of people that want him. He's dead and people who don't, it's weird. It's like when you're helping the enemy out. Yeah, right. So after some time, Augustus refused to follow any

of Proctor's orders. He just said no. Get me a pizza. He even defended nags at one point against charges of bearing arms in defiance of surrender. So in spring of 1913 Proctor wanted Augustus gone

and he was given safe passage to New York and then he headed to DC to explain the situation that was happening in Detroit. And papers on the east coast are attacking Augustus and saying he's a traitor and Proctor's atrocities are getting worse and worse.

So he publishes a detailed account of what's going on in Detroit. People read all the country and they buy it and now they have Augustus's back. And for the rest of the war in 1812 one of the biggest rallying news was Remember the Raisin.

Wow. So he's in DC for a year and a half. He's hanging with Jefferson. He comes up with a plan to create a university system in Michigan. Oh boy. When the war is over, he comes back to Detroit as a judge again.

Jesus Christ. But the people, it's so bad the people in French town were boiling hay to eat. Which they have at Stans. If you get the... As

Stans calls it a chicken taco. Shredded chicken. Fucking. We better hope Augustus is not the judge at the Stans v. Dallop lawsuit. So wait. What is going on in French town right now?

Well they're just starving because Proctor's not helping anybody. Right. So Proctor's still in charge. But now that the British have left, no one's in charge. So there's just a vacuum of power. But things are so decimated. They've been fucked for so long.

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Play. Love. And he's like, sort of downtown-y. What do you think about a library? Huh? Yeah. What about a costume shop? So he gets such writing letters to Congress

to send supplies, but nothing is being done. And then President Madison sends Louis Cass as the new governor. Cass gets there and he immediately kills Augustus' idea for a giant Paris-like city. He really walked that one slowly.

He kills Augustus his idea for a okay. So the idea for a Paris-like city is gone, but there's still remnants of it, right? There's the you have a grand circus in Detroit or something like that, like a big so there's still things around, but

the whole thing didn't get completed. Really? Shocking. Yeah. Because I've always thought it's like Paris. So so Augustus now just completely focuses now that city planning is out on creating a university, which he called

Oh boy. There was no way to figure out how to pronounce this, so I'm just going to try to he called it the Catholic Pistomid Pardon? Catholic Pistomid Catholic Pistomid? The craziest long. What language? It's

American? I don't know. Is it Canaanth all over again? There's no definition for it. It's not in you can't Google it. Okay. You can't Google it. I think he made it up. The comments come if you try. You ain't Googling a

Catholic Pistomid, are you? So he comes up with this insanely detailed plan of a school divided into 13 departments. Now this is obviously a bit of a banana's idea because people are boiling hay to eat.

So his time, does he have some of the worst timing in history? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Because people are like that fire. We got nothing to eat. He's like, what about it? Big city. And then people are boiling hay. He's like, ever wanted to go to college? I got it. Sounds like the Democrats.

So, he is relentlessly mocked. He's called the ridiculous egg ahead who has no concern about the basic necessities. Cause I'm a bird man? Daily life. But still the school moves forward. What is going on?

It's cornerstone is laid on September 24th 1817. It would take years to finish. It would eventually be moved to Ann Arbor. Okay. Interesting reaction. But as time passed, Augustus would become more and more ridiculed.

And when Congress allowed Michigan to finally have elections for Congress, he throws his hat in the ring. He's like, I'll do Congress. And he was completely easily beaten. Right. But then the guy who won immediately hated it and he quit.

I can't tell you recent, recent stories and this happens all the time. But people win elections and they go, oh, fuck this. Well, is it possible that they were trying to actually change things? And we're like, this won't happen. Instead of now where they're like, I'll take money.

Most of the people say that everything's moving too slow and it's like gridlock. Right. Right. So a special election is called and Augustus runs again and again he loses. Okay, good. And he loses the ballot because he can't believe it and he lost. Okay.

In 1822... There was a lot of fraud. We're waiting for the ballots from Arizona. Where did these ballots even come from? In 1822... I found a bunch in my nose. In 1822

the clerk court resigned and the bar unanimously recommended the clerk's deputy take over the position. Okay. But the next morning, Augustus appointed his father to be the new clerk. His father? I mean, how old? I feel like this time is just like...

He's 80. What? The father? Yes. Okay, thank God. I thought he meant Augustus. Hey, hey, hey, I'm ready to go. He's 80 years old. He also... In 18... What, 15? In 1822. Okay, so his father is

80 in 1822. So now, 105? No. What? Well, in our years now. Oh, yeah, okay. Kind of. Right? He's like, hey, all right, yes, yes. Oh. Oh.

It's my time. Oh. Oh, dear. I forgot the beginning. I know. Have we done the trial? Yeah, we did three trials. How did they go? Well, you're supposed to keep track of it all.

Oh, dear. I don't remember where they were. Oh. You're the clerk. Of what? The court. Of this court? Yes. I thought I was a judge. Oh.

No. No. No what? You're not a judge. You're the clerk. Oh. Oh, dear. Oh. What is that? What do I do?

Clerk stuff. Yeah, okay. Take care of the paperwork. Yeah, the papers. I didn't, I haven't been putting anything in the paper. What? What? Where's the money?

Oh. Oh, no. I had a robe issue again. No. Yeah, well. I'll just hold it like a water balloon. I had Stan shredded chicken for breakfast. Wow.

John lived out east. So, until he arrived, Augustus appointed Jonathan Kiersley to be the temporary clerk. Okay. So, Kiersley, had not been asked.

Augustus just said, he was, and he stormed into court and said, quote, unless I am appointed principal and that unconditionally, I will have nothing to do with it. Soon after, everyone learned that John died in Erie, Pennsylvania on his way to his new job

in Detroit. And Augustus was severely criticized. He was, he was, he couldn't make it. He was 80. He was not going to make it. I'm almost there, boys.

How far away is Detroit from Erie? Oh. I'll just have, let me, I'm going to lay down and take a die real quick. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh, boy. No. In 1823, the Detroit Bar Association published a denunciation of Augustus saying his, On what ground? Man's been top notch.

A quote, entire want of practical knowledge coupled with the habits unbecoming his station made him unfit for duty. They also called him, quote, destitute of honor, probity and respect for established law.

Yeah, totally. Yep. The bar charged him with intemperance because he had stumbled into a court hearing and needed to be held up by his assistant. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. Well, I mean, you know, the truth is that it is, like,

obviously extremely objectionable, but so many of our politicians are shitfaced now. Oh, my dad did that. He got in trouble in court. Yeah, no, he showed up drunk. Yeah. Wish I'd met the man. Well, I mean, you met him the one time. No.

Never met him. Well, you don't need to meet someone to... Yes, you do. No, you don't. You can just shoot them from across the street. Shoot? Oh, so I shot him. I don't know what you did. Well, how did he die? Did they say he was shot?

Did your father die from a gunshot, is the question, asshole? Did he? That kind of anger? Your eyes turn into murder eyes. That was scary. When I see an Anthony. That was scary.

You just specifically said that I shot your father. We did not do an autopsy, so we don't know how you killed him. Well, I think if it was a gunshot, you'd know. Some are very small. Some are very small. Shot him with a BB?

Very long BB. A.22 Cal BB? I don't know. I'm not a gun fella. Go on. No, I had great jokes coming. No, go ahead. So, yes, he is charged

with being drunk in court. Augustus said it was... Not only drunk, held like, can't stand drunk. Yes, he had to have an assistant hold him up while he was addressing the court. I mean, weekend at Bernie's drunk. Yes. Augustus said it was because

of a powerful combination of medications he was taking for a cold. Oh, my God. I can't believe they still got away with that then. It's Nyquil. I shouldn't have taken the Nyquil. I took my Nyquil and my allergy pill on the same day.

Yeah. By then, he is seen as a symbol of an antiquated system of provincial behavior that... By the way, no, he's not. That no longer has a place in the American frontier. So, like, people have moved on

from just being drunk all the time. Right, until our current system. He was removed from a list by President Monroe. He then lobbied to be given a diplomatic post in Latin America. But Congress denied him. I wanted to figure out how to make tacos.

Can I just say one word? No, Peru. What? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. He's Peruking. Peru. Somehow. Like Kim Kardashian with that champagne on her bottom.

Break the Internet. But for some reason, Congress said no because having a drunk guy who was detached from reality wouldn't be great for diplomacy. How old is he now? He is... No, he's pretty old.

Okay. I think he's like 80-ish. He's 80-ish? Uh-oh. We know what time it is. Yeah, 40s, 50s. Late 40s, maybe. So... For some reason,

now that he's leaving Detroit, people think he should be celebrated. Oh, for fuck's sake. It never stops. It never does. Just die or leave. People are like, what a hero. So anyway, in February of 1824,

the bar held a lavish tribute at Ben Woodworth's Hotel. Praise was heaped upon him in speeches, quote, his extensive legal information, incorruptible integrity, splendid talents, correct and gently

deportment, patriotism, and great literary attainments. What the fuck? Like, we are just... We've just been doomed. I mean, it's really just white people. We have just been like... We have just been like doomed

from the fucking get. Just deniers of the blatant nightmare reality we create. Can we celebrate this man for a minute? I mean, but then you're like giving him like... It's like a coronate. Like, oh, my God.

The man who was too drunk to go to fucking court. You know what? We're saying goodbye to him. Can that wait? Why can't you just be like, get the fuck out of here? Because we're saying goodbye. Let's have a party. We got to walk to the bar and we're like, where's your cell phones?

Wow. God, you sound like Dave Anthony. That's a fucked-up thing to say to someone. But a letter to the Gazette a few days later said... The writer was astonished a few individuals could try to create

such a false framing of Woodward and that there were only two actual members of the bar present, but still word of all this praise Reached DC. Yep. So that. And later that year.

No, no, no. He was appointed to be a territorial judge in Tallahassee, Florida. Oh, well, that makes sense. You didn't tell me it was Tallahassee. What's his role? He's a judge. He's a solitary judge.

I think there's probably three again. So there's three of them in there just like overseeing chicken beefs. By the way, a taco, it stands. But I can't. When he landed in Tallahassee, the people loved his weird ways. It was. You're one of ours.

It was a frontier town much like Detroit had been when he first landed there. Oh, boy. And they were planning their city. Here we go. Got any ideas for it? Well, actually, you ever heard of Paris? Augustus had a big part in seeing

it had broad streets and public squares. But after a short time, he caught some weird tropical disease and died at 52 on June 12th, 1827. It's called Florida. He never married. He never had kids. The Bank of Detroit notes are the most common of all broken bank notes today to buy.

There were so many of them that you can find them all over the place. Oh, the fuck? Yeah. What? Sources. The outlines of political history of Michigan by James Valentine Campbell.

Ypsilanti? What's your dumb city called? Oh, boy. Ypsilanti? Ypsilanti? Ypsilanti? By the way, there's no way that's right, either. There's no way.

Ypsilanti. Like, whoever first said it was not like Ypsilanti. You know, Ypsilanti dot all. Ypsilanti, named by Woodward, by Tom Dodd. Augustus Bavort. I didn't know his middle name was Bavort. Bavort? Bavort.

What the hell? Woodward. It's like a Bore fork. A citizen of two cities by James Monroe. OK, yeah. And the early bench in Barb Detroit from 1805 to the end of 1850 by Robert Bud Ross. And Wicked Detroit by Mickey Lyons.

Jesus Christ. Anyway, that guy's, uh. That is, I mean, quite a dude. You just got to get away with so much shit. I mean, you still can. Yeah, it's different, but it's sort of the same. There were more ramifications, like people starved to death because you sucked.

Well. OK, never mind. That's a good point. Anyway, footbiting. You know, it is. It's just a different prism on the same situation. Like, back then, you had court and bars. That would be awesome if that's still.

Well, in many ways, that is what happened. I mean, it's just like, will you still? But if there was like a bar, I'd be like, yeah, I'll go to jury duty. And by the way, there are so many things, and this is not a great statement to have on record. But there are so many things that if there was like booze there, I'd be like, OK.

Like, I've always thought that, like, when I've worked, like, in like writer's rooms, where it's like, they'll keep you like 10 or 11 at night or something like that. I'm like, if they start, if you could have beer at five, let's fucking dance. Let's go. I mean, you're probably not going to get the best stuff, and you're probably going to be like, is he OK?

You know, but you'll get like a couple of good decent hours out, some of those really surly fun times before I start going like, I called my dad. I don't care what time it is where he lives. So you basically wanted to work on community? Yes. Yes. Or in the 80s.

But it is. It's like, you just like, I mean, the kind of underlying theme is simply just that they just never have given a fuck about anything other than themselves. There are exceptions to it. But still, it is like, you know, you're mincing the, like you're just mincing words and lies over who is marginally better at the time.

And then when people get into power, they really just don't give a fuck. But the fact that even then, even then, you're just always. I mean, you would go back to Europe before they even, it's all the same shit. Wait, what'd you say? If you went back to Europe before America, it's going to be the same shit and just idiots rising up.

But they all left because they were like, fuck this. And then they got here and they're like, you know what we could do? Just call the king the president. I mean, they're fine with just people being fucked. The reason you guys are all masked is so immunocompromised people can come to the show. Because, remember how you didn't like that time you were locked in your house?

Well, they've been like that for two and a half years now. So I personally think it's fucking disgusting what we're doing and just leaving these people, we're essentially casting them out of society. But that's like what the leaders have decided. Just fuck those 10% of humans. It's crazy. So, but it's all the same shit.

And COVID replicates in the nostrils. So if there's one person who would really support masking, it's our boy as a mask would never fit him. Yeah, it would have been a hammock. Thank you guys so much for coming out. We appreciate it. Thank you. Cheers.

Thank you.