The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 561 - Parker Harden French - live

Episode Date: November 29, 2022

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine rascal Parker Harden French. Recorded live in Louisville Sources Tour Dates Redbubble Merch   Next Evo Naturals.  Code: Dollop

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. The researcher, the man who developed it from the very beginning, give it up for

starting host Dave Ampady. And a comedy sports all-star from the high school league from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Shouldn't have graduated but he went to kindergarten college at Emerson. Somehow did it and did a report on whether his sophomore year, he's a the chuckle fucker. You know him for the accents, you love him for the puns. Give it up for Garret Threadle. Your topic tonight is unknown. That's what I wanted but instead we... It's a bit much. Well it's great to be here. Thank you all for coming out Louisville. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. What a great... We spent four days in Bowling Green. Four

days. That might be the worst place in America. Like we were already kind of depressed about the country and then we had four days at the same hotel there and we were like boy this is fucking bad news. This is what's great about being a vegetarian is when you are in certain cities and you look up vegetarian restaurants, some places they'll be like whatever like vegan food or and then like eight like things and then if you're in some cities you're like vegan and the first thing's like I have. You're just like what is what do you have? The pancakes. Burger King? Yeah. Burger King is always the

first one. Impossible burger. We got your back. What if I didn't want that? Get the fuck out of Bowling Green. You're in the wrong city asshole. You don't belong here. As a matter of fact there's a good chance we're gonna eat you for your tender flesh. You little vegan body. I'm gonna braise you falling off the bone. Gary. Yum. The dollop is brought to you by Next Evo Naturals. Look the holidays are coming up. You got to figure out what gifts to get. You're gonna be with the family. You got to do some traveling maybe. A lot of stress. A lot of stress. That's why I'm talking about Next Evo Naturals. Take a little bit of this

stress off. The holidays. It's not all sleigh bells and mistletoes is it? Give yourself the ultimate gift. A little stress-free holiday. Next Evo's stress CBD complex gummies are clinically proven to have four times better absorption than standard CBD. No other CBD brand can promise that. I enjoy myself the Next Evo Naturals. Help me sleep. Yes I'll be I'll be having some Next Evo Naturals for the holidays. That's that's how I'm gonna you know kind of get through it if you know what I mean. Take the edge off. Next Evo smart sorb technology delivers CBD to your system in as little as 10 minutes

unlike other CBD brands. Yeah I'm talking to you other brands. Regular CBD oil works more slowly because of how our bodies process oil based ingredients compared to water soluble supplements. So bam there you go. Next Evo is the only brand clinically proven to deliver 30 times better absorption in the first 30 minutes. So there you go. Look I enjoy the Next Evo Naturals. Gareth enjoys the Next Evo Naturals. My wife? Yeah that's right. So get smarter CBD from Next Evo Naturals and get up to 25% off subscription orders of $40 or more at nextevo.com slash podcast promo code DALUP. That's nextevo.com slash podcast

promo code DALUP. You're listening to the DALUP. This is an American History podcast where I read a story from American history to my driver. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the other host's name is or what the topic is going to be about. Franklin. What? No Dave Anthony. Let's take it from the top. Three, two, one. You're listening great. Good. Got it. Fix it in post. Awesome. Back to you with the podcast. April 2nd. 1826. Year of our Lord Jesus Christ. I want to also, I didn't say this but thank you for wearing masks. We do this so immune compromised people can come to our shows because

they've been cast out of society and they should be allowed to come to some things. And we're trying to limit the sound of laughter at the show. Really not what we're going for. Thank you. Thank you. Parker Harden French was born in Mason County, Kentucky. Parker. Parker. Okay. His parents ran a struggling farm. Sure. With slaves. What? With slaves. Right. Okay. Nice. That's a good start. Very comedically fruitful beginning. He had three sisters. Okay. His mother died when he was very young. We don't know when but we just know she kicked it. Right. Okay. And then in 1836 his uncle Judge Parker Harden took him in. Uncle Judge?

Uncle Judge. CBS Wednesdays. Uncle Judge. You're guilty enough to go to your room for how long? I sentence you for two nights. Uncle Judge. Permission to approach the bench. Permission granted. Can I have a cookie before I go to my room? Well, the jury's reached a verdict, you little scum. I'm gonna masturbate. I'll allow it. Uncle Judge. Uncle Judge. He gave Parker the best education possible at Robertson's Academy for all the elite rich kids at Kentucky. Parker was very smart. He was also very conversational. He could he could hold a really good conversation when he was super young. Okay. That's interesting. Oh, I absolutely adore him

this time of year. You're four. I know, I understand. But I've lived like I'm seven. As a child, he would go to the courthouse square to find prominent citizens to have discussions with for hours. As he was, when he was how old? He's like a kid. He's like eight or nine or something. I've managed. I'd be like, we're good. No way. I would just I would not humor it. Other people be like, that was good. I'd be like, come on, let's get out of here. He also yearned to travel. Oh, I just adore travel. I must go everywhere. You're seven. I know. I gotta get moving. I gotta quit these things before they quit me. I like how you think seven year olds weren't

smoking back then. That's strange at all. When he was 13, he ran away and got work as a cabin boy on a boat to New Orleans. Okay. Cabin boy basically just like a little cleaner fluff the pillows and clean the stuff up and right. Yeah. Make the toilet paper triangle. Blah, blah, blah. We know what it is. Yeah. And then once in New Orleans, he found his way onto another ship as a crew member and headed for England. Okay. There we are. 13. Yeah. 13 right. 13 and like 13 in England now is like an adult. Then it was like, you're getting old. You must settle down, Parker. You're about to die. That's right. I've just quit smoking. But you

keep doing that. You keep doing that. It's my law. It's literally my last one that I'm done. I'll tell you, I got to quit these things before they quit me. Once there, he made his way to the naval base at Portsmouth and he offered to serve the queen in their fight against the Chinese in the first opium war. Wow. He is 13. Yeah. He's 13 and he's like, I'd like to offer my services to the majesty. It would be an honor to fight in the Chinese opium war. By the way, as a former opium addict, I had to quit it before it quit me. Oh man, four to five were some tough years. I used to love this stuff. We used to play hide and seek

and I'd just be laying face down. Well, when you're smoking opium, you're hiding from yourself and you're seeking truths that aren't available. 13. That's right. My first wife is the one who got me into it. The only ship ready to sail and needing young men was the HMS Blenheim. Yeah, so he's a cabin boy. They sailed on February 1st, 1840 and he served on the ship for three years. Wow. You know, saw some battle. When it returned to Britain in 1843, he was homesick. Sure. So he, yeah, I mean, he's 16. He's 16, right. Yeah. So he leaves the British Navy and heads back to America and back to Kentucky. I mean, we're in Kentucky and

you're from Kentucky and like five of you are like, I bet. Well, they know about Bowling Green. So they're like, I get it. I get it. I came back. I was craving vegan food. So everyone is amazed by his stories that he has and his incredible feats and everything that happened. They could have just been stories, however, because another guy would later say they just worked on a merchant ship. So he was could have been fluffing more than the pillows. He was, but Parker did. He had saved up money from the three years and he went to Louisville. What? Whereas uncle was now a state senator. Okay. So his uncle uses

connections to get Parker into the world of Uncle Judge. That's right. Uncle Judge. Yes. Uncle Judge is now Uncle Senator. Uncle Senator Judge. CBS Wednesdays after Uncle Judge. Uncle Senator Judge. So he tries to get Parker into the world of law to like have the same kind of career. Sure. So he sends him off to Illinois to live with Judge Cyrus Edwards and Parker is now 18. Okay. And the Edwards are the top rung in Alton, Illinois society. Also slave owning family. They had four daughters. Sure. The young teen Lou. I don't know how to say this name. Lucretia. Lucretia. Sure. L-U-C-R-E-T-I-A Lucretia. Lucretia. Lucretia.

Lucretia. I'm gonna throw, I'm gonna roll the Rs. Lucretia. You didn't really roll the Rs. Lucretia. I don't think you know what rolling Rs. Lucretia. Lucretia. Now what the fuck is that? Lucretia. Now you sound like a weirdo. Lucretia. What are you doing? Lucretia. Come on baby. Yeah. So she's super into him. Super into him. He made tons of connections. He studies, he studies with the Edwards in law. And in the spring of 1848 Parker moved to St. Louis which was having a big boom. Okay. Economic boom. Things were taken off that. Stops. He worked as a merchant storing and transporting goods. Okay. And then gold was discovered in California and he

made a bunch of money shipping supplies to San Francisco. Okay. So then he decides, he's made a lot of money. He decides he's gonna build a ship and transport the goods himself. Okay. Transport the supplies to San Francisco. Yeah. All right. California. Okay. So his plan is... He was like, that's hilarious. Transport him. Another winner from Gareth. This guy's on fire right now. Transport it. He kills me. So his plan is to build the first full rigged ocean going ship on the upper Mississippi. Oh. Okay. And then and then down. Feels like you get stuck. Okay. All right. Then down into the ocean and off you go.

But up top. Up at St. Louis. Right. Right. Like a water slide into a pool. Except it's a giant ship. Right. Yes. Of course. I'm talking about scale obviously. It's bigger. So and then yeah. So it sailed down the river and it has to go down South America and up to San Francisco. So he names it Matilda. Sure. So the ship is so big. It's written up in the Boston Herald as being a superior vessel. But the day the ship is to sail, it doesn't. Because it didn't have sails. Because Parker decided on that day to run off and marry Lucretia. Oh wow. His first ship. The relationship. The ship finally launched on May 3rd with a huge crowd.

Launched. You know. It just went out. Okay. Yeah. Three. Two. There's a huge crowd there in St. Louis to see the quote new era in growth, prosperity and mechanical improvement of our city. Unfortunately on May 17th, a steamboat docked in St. Louis and caught on fire. Okay. The fire drifted down river. It caught 22 other boats on fire. Jesus Christ. That's him. But they caught a large part of the city on fire. So basically started all the boats on fire, went into the city, burned a bunch of the city. Right. Okay. Yeah. Not great. Not great. Right. On top of that, cholera then hit soon after. Jesus. And that would kill 5% of the population. So Parker and his new

wife flee St. Louis. Well, their ship got all messed up. So. No, but everything was just a shit show. A ship show. Yes. Okay. The docks are all fucked up. Everything's fucked up. Okay. Right. Okay. So they him and his wife flee. Uh huh. They get the hell out. The city being in shambles isn't the only reason it turns out the ship is a financial disaster. Debt is at 90,000, which is about 2.5 million in today's cash. Boy, good lord. So they bail, they leave investors, customers, vendors, bankers all just hanging with the debt. They might have lit the fire. And the Matilda would then be sold off an auction to pay for the debt and pay everybody off. Okay. So it's a total disaster and that's

why they fled. Right. Okay. So in 1850, the Frenches are living in New York City and they have their first child. And Parker now starts calling himself Captain French. Sounds like a mustard. Captain French to you. Captain French after Uncle Judge, followed by Uncle Judge Senator. Oh my God. What are we going to do with all this? That's cargo. Aha. Thank God. Captain French is here. That's right. Huh? What's the matter? Huh? I think we've got a solution for all these problems. Don't you worry about the thing? Huh? So, yes. Well, you're going to be like, you're going to be cool. I'm going to be like a stupid hole-poker at the party. I just want to sum up our problem. Well, yes. We have too many

yes cargo. That's right. Yes. That's our problem. Look, there's a writer's strike. Okay. Some of the plot lines have not been what they used to be. But this week, yes, that's right. There's been a lot. No, no, no. There's been an epic flood and everywhere there's snails and you all yanky-doodle-dandies are like, oh, they're going to do to get rid of all these snails. Well, that's where I come in because where I'm from, that is a good meal. Yeah. Just got to sneak some out a little bit like this. Oh, that's right. I'm having a shell of a good time. Hey, come on. Hey. Why don't look? Look, there's a writer's strike. Huh? Make do. Make do. Huh? Let's go.

So Parker rents out an office in Tammany Hall. And he starts advertising a 60-day pleasure trip. Oh, all right. Out to the gold mines in California. A pleasure trip. French is express passenger. Train. So who's your font guy? I won't tell you, but he's crazy. But it's a wagon train. It's not a train train. It's a wagon train. It's a wagon train. Okay. What does that mean? That's just like a bunch of wagons together. Oh, okay. Right. Yeah. Just like a wagon party. It's not, you're not like a single wagon. You're with a bunch of other ones. That's it. Oh, yeah. You don't go all together. No, but they're like a party. It's a wagon party. It's a wagon party. Like when dogs get excited, it's a wagon party.

So he sells it as like romance and adventure. Oh, you're going to love this. There's just gold lying around in California. There's gold everywhere. There's shagging wagons. You're going to love it. So the business does very well. He impresses people with his knowledge that he espouses, his family connections. Everyone's buying into this. He said his ship would get to San Francisco or the train in 60 days. And if they didn't arrive in 60 days, he would give them $5 back per day that he ran over. That's a stressful promise. I mean, I don't know how long it takes to get out there, but that feels like a few days over. That's a tough, yeah. That's it. Yeah. All right. Well, here we are. This feels like

we're not there. No, we are. Get out. It's the desert. I guess we don't know what California really looks like. Exactly. Now get the fuck out. He charged people $250. Okay. For the voyage. So the trip was to start by steamship and then they get on the wagons. A hundred men sign up. So they leave New York and then they head for Port La Vaca and then Havana. I think, yeah. And then, no, Port La Vaca after, so Havana, New Orleans, Port La Vaca, Galveston, and they end up in Galveston and then they get the wagons and then they go to California. It's mainly a ship. It's halfway by ship but halfway by wagon. So he sends a ship and then he stays behind to stay in New York and keep signing up people and then

he would come on a second ship. Okay. So the first group gets to Port La Vaca where it ends and they discover the mules and wagons that he had promised would be there are not there. Sorry. But he, I thought the wagon portion started at Galveston. Sorry, I think I'm wrong. So Port La Vaca. So that's the last. Okay. All right. So they get there and then Port La Vaca. And then they're like, where are the wagons? They're like, well, well, there's no wagons. What about the mules? Well, it would be pointless to have mules if we didn't have wagons. So we don't have wagons. Therefore, we don't have mules. But what we do have is a lot of stories. Would you like to hear one? No. Pretty good. No.

You know when it rains, how snails come out. Wouldn't that be a predicament? Yeah, I guess so. Well, it would be. What would you do it all the way though? No, no, no, no, no, look. No, I'm just asking you a question about the snail. Do you make it sound like it's some kind of snail apocalypse where there's just so, so many. I've never seen this happen. Oh, yeah. So you're saying that after it rains. Well, no, no, not just a drizzle. Oh, torrential rain for days. Okay. So what you're saying is snails live in the water? No, but the water brings them out. From where? Wherever they were. So there's a lot of water, like a flood. We're talking about like a flood situation. Yeah. And then snails come from their home.

Okay. And there's so many. And then the water recedes and it's just snail. Snail time. Yeah. And everybody's like, oh, we can finally go out. Hold on. Hold on. Is the flood like an aphrodisiac for snails? And they just start fucking and then there's a bunch of more snails? Think about like sort of basic techno, BD music. That just brings a bunch of like glow stick people out. We don't go, where do they live? We go, fuck, we got to shut this down. This is a regular part. You know what I mean? We're not worried about the origin story. Okay. So that's what's happened with the rain. So many snails that you're like, man, we can't go out. We will die from walking upon these things. Okay. There'll be greasy. There'll be shells everywhere.

We're not capable of handling this. What are we going to do? Right? Okay. Right. I mean, that's a pretty good starting premise. Wouldn't you agree? I, it's not a bad premise. I'm really hung up. There's so many snails. It's just, I'm hung up on that. Well, you're going to need to let it go. You know what? Fuck it. You don't deserve this story. Just give me this, the mules in the wagon. The what? I, this, I'm here for mules and wagons. Well, I told you, we don't have those. Well, we do have our stories. Fuck your stories. You didn't even, you don't have any interest in how this problem with the snails gets solved at all. No, they're like magical snails. I don't believe it. Then where do you think they come from? Other snail, they have sex and they make

baby snails. You think rain creates snail orgies and that's where they're all coming from? No. Sir, if you believe that, there's a trip to the golden state I'd like to sell you. So those guys camp out and they're, they're pissed. Yeah, of course. The fucks, relax. Now, Parker in New York buys wagons and he bought them from a circus and he bought rifles and other gear. Sure. And then the ship, they put that on a ship and they set sail from Georgia with a bunch more, set sail with a bunch of more people. So there, so there's a, there's a bit of a log jam. Second boat. Yeah. Second boat's coming. First boat. People are still there pissed. Yeah. Right. So they first, they have to stop in Havana first. But then there's like a revolution about to happen. So

they're suspected of being part of the revolution. So they get held up for a while. Oh my God. So you, traders. Oh, no, we're just, no, we just, we're just wagons. All we have is wagons and guns and gear. Silence. Cut his tongue out. What? Cut his tongue out. The fuck just happened. Traders. Traders of what? I'm from America. I'm not. Oh, so you revealed yourself. Yeah, we're just actually just coming here to stop and get some supplies before we go on. What supplies? Like food, like water and meats, juicy meats, hopefully a little tiny snails. Yes. Sneets is what it's called. Sneets. Sneets. Yeah. We'd like some snail, snail, snakes, sneaks, sneaks, sneaks or sneaks. You'd call them sneaks. Yeah. Well,

it's if, if you get a nice thin, you call it a snake really. If you get it, if you get a nice thin, you would call it a snake. It's just, you would call it a snake. It's a sneak. Let them go. This is a fucking annoying. I hate them. I really, I hate them. Go, go, get the, get out of here. Thank you. God damn. Fuck you. We were part of the revolution. It would be called snakes. So they get held up for a week before they let them go. And then they, then they go to New Orleans and they were supposed to get on another ship in New Orleans, but they missed that one. Because, yeah, right. Because it's another delay. So he has to put up people for a week in New Orleans. And then they finally make their way to Port La Baca and they meet up with the

other strand of guys who have now been there for a month. Oh my God. With nothing but just fucking tense and they're fucking pissed. And then now all they had is a couple of wagons and stuff that they brought with them on the ship and all the other wagons aren't there and everyone's like, how many people were talking what, like, there's a well over a hundred. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And, and so everyone's like, wait, what's your plan? Yeah, the plan doesn't seem that good. Everyone's pretty far. It's going horribly worried. Yeah. It's like firefest. So Parker leaves to go smart. That is exactly what I do. Well, this looks like it's going pretty good. Take care, everybody. He goes off to get wagons and mules and he comes back with wagons

and mules. Okay. Unfortunately, the mules aren't broken in yet, which apparently it's very hard to break in mules. Sure. You don't need to tell me. And so the men, yeah, you know. Of course. So the men have to spend all this time breaking in the mules and they finally do that. What a night. Oh, look at all the mules. Now we will just, we have to train them for a little while. Yeah. Here they are. Can you fix them? Yeah. So then they get that done and they head to San Antonio. So Parker paid for everything. Of course, as he fucking should. Aren't I a good guy? No. With bank drafts. Okie dokie. And he had an unlimited line of credit from a New York shipping firm. Okay. He keeps buying stuff. He buys horses and cattle, better mules.

Why is he buying cattle? I don't know for meat. Okay. Got me. Nice work, asshole. And more people are actually signing on. They hear he's going to California. They start paying. Sounds great. When they left San Antonio, they had 33 wagons all together. Okay. But the 60 days is already past. Oh, shit. Uh oh. So they're 1500 miles from San Diego. Oh my God. Which means the travelers are now getting back $5 a day. Whoa. A month later, they're in the western most part of Texas. Wow. Yeah. I mean, it's a big, it's a very big state. They're going slow. Yeah. I mean, like driving through Texas, you're like, this has to end someday. Wagoning through Texas,

you're like, we're still in Texas? I mean, if some of it back. I put in accidentally when I went in Google maps, I put in how long it takes to drive from Kansas City to LA yesterday. And it was, and I actually had it on walking and I was like 21 days. So I don't know what the fuck they're doing, but uh, are you suggesting we walk home? Yeah, we're walking instead. So, so there in what's known as the Trans Pickles, there's a picture of it. Um, so that is a covered fairy wagon that helps wagons get across. Sorry. It's a covered fairy boat wagon thing that you put your wagon on. It takes you across the river. What are they on? What, what's the rain is this? It's not, that's a river. That's a river. They're floating. They're on a fairy boat. It's a fairy boat

thing, wagon thing that gets you across the river to keep going in the Trans Pickles. Why did they make it? Because otherwise you couldn't get across the river. Okay, but you could, okay. Because what? Well, I mean, obviously it didn't make the cut long term, so. Oh, it's fine. Look at it. It looks great. It just seems strange. It looks like when like people put dinosaur bones together wrong. They're like, look at this. It was the platatosaur, and then like 30 years later, they were wrong. That was the ass. So one guy fell, I guess he fell in front of one of the wagons, and he like can't walk anymore. So. Well, okay. A man named Burns. What a weird little, okay. Well, you know,

you got to throw that good stuff in there. So a man named Burns who Parker had bought mules from in San Antonio catches up to the wagon. The guy that he bought the mules from. In San Antonio. Uh-huh. It's like, what are y'all doing? He's lapping them. He's chasing them. He's chasing them. And he catches up to them. He forgot your keys. Life's a never ending nightmare out here. And he said that the draft to the bank, he sent it to the bank and the bank said that Parker had no funds in that bank. Can you imagine getting a bounce check back then? Oh my God. Son of a bitch. My life is going to be getting this money back. You owe me a thousand dollars. Well, that took 30 years. Hello.

Parker acts very offended. And he shows his letter from the bank stating he could draw any amount he wanted. And then he also showed Burns a letter of credit from the shipping company. Okay. And so he goes, look, I'll write you a draft from this. I'll write you a draft from this account and that should be fine. And Burns leaves very happy. Oh, fuck. Well, it took four months, but finally we got that. It bounced as well. We only lived at like 50 now. I guess I'm not going to see my boys grow up. Sorry, boys. I gotta go find them again. I'll see you when you're 15. All right. So they came across a wagon train that had a bunch of military supplies and Parker got more wagons and more mules from the owner who was Ben

Coons. He promised Coons $18,000. At this time in New York, a story broke about a great fraud happening. Oh boy. Drafts of over 30,000 were presented to the shipping company who said it was all a forgery and they had nothing to do with it. So easy to pull it off. Yeah. Look, I've got a letter. Well, that's a letter all right. Sorry, I doubted you friend. And more drafts are coming in and they're like, we didn't do these. So word spreads down New York across the Gulf to all the merchants who he had. Who he's been bullshitting. Yeah. Right. And also now the travelers, the people, the passengers on the wagon train are fucking furious. Right. It's taking way too long. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's been months. Yeah. It's been, yeah,

they're supposed to be there way, way a long time ago. So the wagon master now refused wagon master. Yeah. You listen to me. I don't do. He refuses to travel during the day because it's too hot. Wow. So Parker threatens to shoot him. And the wagon master just stares at him and is like, yeah, you're, I'm, no, I'm not scared of you. So Parker leaves and then comes back later and walks up behind the wagon master and points his gun at the back of his head. The wagon master says, quote, if you came here to assassinate me, why don't you shoot? But if you do, see that you make sure work for if I live two seconds, you're a dead man. So, I mean, it's kind of a weird threat to be like, you're going to shoot me in

the head, make sure you finish the job. Yeah, I probably will. Well, if you don't, look out. If you don't spill all my brains, buckle up. You're going to have a fight on your hands. Even if you like shoots out part of your brain, like, well, I tell you, yeah, slow down. What do you do? Let me just point something out. It's been, it's been, it's been way longer than two seconds. And I'm still here. Okay. This guy. Oh, he died. Oh, shit. So Parker ends up not shooting him.

Go on. And he challenges Parker to a duel and Parker then passes. And instead tells him he's fired. Get out of here. But none of the teamsters would leave without him. So he just keeps him on the wagon train. That's so awkward. I'm going to kill you. You'll have to finish the job. Fine. A duel. No, get out of here. You're fired. They won't do your work. Fine. You kind of have worn in every way. Now some men at this point started leaving. They just started going off like people that were like, I'm going to go live in that tree for my life. They're like being on my own is easier than whatever's happening here. Right. Now I was close to El Paso. Parker goes ahead to get there ahead of everybody and set things up. Sure. Yeah, he's pretty good at that. So they get there

two days later and Parker is living large. He's made a bunch of huge purchases. They also learn that he has made an agreement to sell the wagon train. Curious. Now where are they exactly? What do you mean? What's what part of El Paso? Okay, so they're in El Paso. El Paso is the furthest west you can get. Well, it's certainly, yeah, it's not where they were told they're going to be. And now the transportation has been sold. Well, they find out he's made an agreement to sell it. It hasn't been sold yet, but he's made an agreement. So he's like, I closed a huge deal. We all live here now. He didn't tell them. They found out. Okay. So he's just partying and they're like, what's going on? He's like, hey, what's up?

How's everyone doing? What a year we've had together, huh? So everyone's very suspicious of Parker now, obviously. And the next day, a frontiersman arrives with a letter from the shipping firm. Parker is saying provided him credit. Oh, look at this forgery. The letter says they have nothing to do with Parker. And it includes letters from merchants that he's defrauded. The total amount that he is written drafts for is $170,000, which is about $5 million today. So they also have a warrant for his arrest. Sure. But somehow he manages to escape and he goes across the Rio Grande and into Mexico. Wow. The men are now there in El Paso and they're like, where's Parker? What's the update?

And they're like, we, they talk and they're like, we have two options. We can cross into Mexico ourselves or turn ourselves over to this army major who's coming to arrest them and then just see what happens to us. Why are they going to get it? They're getting arrested because they're, everyone thinks like it's a whole, they're all cahoots or something. Yeah, they think that they're all a part of it. Right. So most choose to go into Mexico. What a cry, be like, we'll explain it to the guys. We'll just tell them. They need to get the fuck out of here. Look, it was a good plan. We were going to find gold. Didn't work. We live in Mexico now. Forget your wives and your lives. They don't exist anymore. It's just supposed to be a simple plan to get gold. Your name's Pedro.

Okay. Do you understand? So they take what livestock and goods they can get. Carry as many donkeys as you can across the Rio Grande. We live here now. And the major just chooses not to go after him. He's like, uh, I can't do it with Mexico. So who does show up is Coons and he learns that he's been caught. Right. Right. And he's like, no, I'm fucking going into Mexico. So he's like, he wrote another bad one. Wait. Oh, no. So the men also had taken a strong box, like a safe box, if you have about, that Parker had told them there was $37,000 of gold in. I bet there is.

Inside this magic box is all the gold you want. And they opened it. Okay. And it turns out it's empty. So, so they're pretty freaked out. And now freaked out. What do you think happened to it all? It might be some of that dissolving gold. I read about that. So they, they break on by the groups. Everyone's going their own way now. Some, he sucked the gold out with his mind. There's nothing this guy can't do. So I'm gonna go back to El Paso. Some head back, try to head back to New York. They really scatter all over. Someone's got a can of paint. That's a dog. I swear to God. I was like, what, either someone just got robbed of all their beads or something. No, it's, it's a, it's a can of paint.

Someone's like, oh, so cute. Sorry, it's normal. The dog's not wearing a mask we noticed. So oh, typical, typical. Fucking dogs and they're no masking. The dog took it off right away. It's like, well, we're in Kentucky, asshole. We're in that fucking thing. Fuck these guys. So seven guys are now with Parker, seven guys in the passing train, stay with Parker. I don't know who, I don't know who these, everyone's just trying to survive. You're our guy or they're just like, look, we're freaked out. No, they, they literally just try to survive now. They don't have any money. They're in the middle of the fucking desert. Like it's a shit show. Like this guy'll handle it.

This guy's been pretty good. He tells the seven guys, he's like, look, I have money in Mazatlan. In what? Mazatlan. What is, in where? Mazatlan. Sure. It's a, it's in Mexico, it's on the coast, it's in Mexico, it's on the coast. Yeah, of course, it's the Mexico. And he's like, I can get the money once I'm there. So these guys, I know a wizard who lives in a hill. These guys, trust me, hang with them. And he, and he also goes, look, I also have letters of credit. I have a lot of credit. Look, you gotta trust me. But he wants, but he needs to get to Mazatlan. He needs something. So he decides to start robbing the groups of the ex-passengers that he is.

He's robbing those who followed him. He's decided now he's going to rob, not follow him. He's like, don't worry, we're going to be, oh, the guys on the wagon train who split away and they're all different groups. So he's going to go find them? You can go find those guys and rob them. I know how to get money. We have to kill the guys that we were just hanging out with for three months. Wait, what's your plan? We need to get the money from them. Don't you trust the plan? This is all part of the system. What part of this wasn't in what I sold you? Relax. Now we go kill our friends and we take from them. Trust me, this is going really well so far. And we have to probably eat a couple of them. Do you understand?

And some of the donkeys. It's called eating ass. It's this whole new thing I'm doing. You're going to love it. The kids are going to fucking love it. It's the only way to get off of this nightmare. So he starts robbing them. He takes their mules and their weapons and their money. He also starts now, he names himself. Oh, great. Let's go. The captain of the gorilla band. It's so good. I know we're probably spelling gorilla with the U, but God, I want the O. No, yeah, I know. It's the U. So bad. I'm sorry. All right, we're going to start wearing ape costumes. And I'm the leader. I'm the captain of the gorilla

band. Band. I know how to play bass. Well, you got a fucking part in this band. Here we go. I'm the captain of the gorilla band. So the way we see this, it's seven guys dressed up like gorillas. They all play musical instrument. One has a captain hat. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. One of them is the biggest gorilla. He's like, I'm the manager. This is crazy. But I'll tell you what, you're pretty good. He stole a mule from the guy who had lost the use of his legs when he was run over by one of Parker's wagons. That is so fucked up that it's like he did that. And then he's like, well, you probably don't need it. The Lord's got a plan for you. And he's like, what the fuck are you

talking about? Sorry. I'm just going to take it. You did this to me. Well, bye. Here, let me write you a bank note. I know those don't fucking do anything. You're rich. There you go. One million made up of bucks. Say, can you play triangle? He took, he took the men's coats. He took like whatever, like so he just took whatever he could from these guys. We paid for this experience. It's all part of the plan. This is all part of the plan. We're pretty close to California. Once we find it, God, are we going to get so much gold until then the belt's two and the pants and the undies and the shirts and those nipples and your penises. Put them in the tray. Yes.

Can we keep the penises? I'm afraid not. We're going to need the penises in order to get to Mexico. I told him I'm a hot dog vendor. So let's lose those penises, boys. Sorry. Okie doke. Look, it's all part of the plan. Yeah. So this is what I paid for. We're going to hand a basket around and everyone lay their dongers in it. It's like the donger party. Okay. On October 9th, Parker's gang attacked another group of ex-passengers. Both sides. They were like, hey, what's the plan? What the fuck are you talking about? I think they knew at this point that he was helping. Well, no, they're in the

guerrilla outfit. Hunting other gangs because they were well armed and they fought back. Okay. And Parker was shot in the arm, like hit him in the shoulder and went out through the wrist. So like went all the way through his arm. The magic bullet. Yeah. In the end, Parker's men won. Two of the other group were killed. Some others were wounded. He took everything they had. Parker French robbed us of our animals and left us destitute. He better know where that gold is. A surgeon was called to deal with Parker's arm, but he wasn't, well, he was not a surgeon. He was an ex-Texas ranger who used to help with surgery. Sure. And quote, amateur surgeon. So he saved Parker's...

Amateur surgeon's great. Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm going to handle this. So he saved Parker's life and Parker paid him with a forge draft. Here you go. You really, and that tip is huge. Hey, you're worth every penny of it. There you are. As soon as this arm works again, I'm going to sign more bullshit. Now, they were in this Mexican town when he got the surgeon to come. And the Mexican town knew of the guys they just robbed and they tried to get a truce going. And they... Get a truce going? Between the two groups. Okay. And they ended up convincing Parker to return some of the mules. And the gesture sort of mended

the fracture between the two groups. What the fuck? We're not... We owe you an apology, Parker. We lost our head. It's okay that you took my mule and you took my legs. So it's okay. I owe you an apology, Parker. That was fucked up of me. And the two... Here's your penises. The two groups become friends again and they decide to form one group. Cool. Well, we're going to be the best guerrilla band in this jungle. This is going to be a great source for our music. So Parker has to see a real doctor. And so they go... Why, arms still? Yeah. So they go... The amateur surgeon was like, oh, I accidentally put a bullet in there. I didn't realize. Again, I'm not a surgeon. I'm a... I would really love to be a surgeon.

He essentially just kept him from dying right there. Right. Right. He's like, yeah. But it's still fucked up. He probably just put gauze in it and he was like, there you go. You're done. Yeah. Basically. But he didn't pay him. So what does it matter? Yeah. There was two fucking bullshit artists. He's like, I'm a surgeon. I'm a pay you for your surgery. There you go. Your arms fixed. Here's a million dollars. You should be fine about two to three days. Wait till Monday to cash that. So the closest one is in Chihuahua, which is 200 miles away. It's great that that's an actual place. And Parker gets there and the arm at that point is really horribly... It's just gangrene. Sure. And the doctor cuts it off. Oh, geez. Okay. So this guy's like,

I'm a real doctor and it's going to go. Yeah. The other guy should have done this. Yeah. Yeah. So Parker, however, you know, they're there for about four weeks and he gets them spending cash using bad drafts. And he's like, thank God it wasn't this one. After four weeks, Coons arrives. Oh boy. You son of a bitch. I'll talk to you about something. Oh, it's just another research here. Well, okay. Yeah. I mean, I'm 45 at this point. It's just sort of crazy. It's just... Well, I guess I owe you an apology too, sir. So he immediately tells everyone in town that Parker is like a conman and they flee. Parker's group takes off and they head for Durango. Without him. Without... Parker? No, Parker goes with them. They all go. They rob farms on

the way. Okay. Now he had gotten letters of credit from the merchants in Chihuahua. Real ones. Yeah, because he had the letters of credit. Right. Because he's still passing the bullshit. So they're like, well, that's official. Well, here you go. Here's another official one. He's like, perfect, dumb fuck. See you later. And they use those in Durango. But again, Coons arrives. He's full of shit. God damn it. Stop leaving, you son of a bitch. I'm 51. I'm aged at a rate that is unprocessable. So they flee again. God damn it. I just... My nap schedule is screwing me. But this time they're stopped by the Mexican army. Okay. And... I'm actually your commander. Oh, sorry, sir. Now the Mexican army has heard about them because they've been doing all this,

you know, whatever, robbing people and doing all this shit out there. Right. And it turns out the governor wants them to help fighting a Comanche Rating Party. That must have been an amazing moment. We know your deal. You do. That's right. You're going to be part of us. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Great. So they agree that they'll help fight the Comanche Rating Party and they join up with the Mexican army and they help the Mexican army drive off the Comanche Rating Party. Okay. Here's a letter that says that you're not allowed to fight anymore Comanches. Oh, well, this is official letterhead. Afterwards, there's a huge celebration with, quote, dances and bullfights galore. Nice. One armed Parker is especially honored for leading the charge.

One. Okay. Sure. And then they and then the governor's like, Hey, can you stick around and fight off any and just kill Comanches? I'll give you cash for each body and a amount of like a monthly salary. Nice. But instead, they're like, no, and they head to Mazatlan. Okay. Where the gold is where the money he has money. Yeah, no, he's got that big, big cave full of it. So they get full of it. They get to Mazatlan and they find a bunch of X passengers from the wagon train. Well, this is awkward. Oh, how is everyone? Great to see. Oh my God. Surprise. The reunion continues. Look at us. But they have like, they're all fucked. They don't have the money to get on ships. They're all trying to get on ships, but they're just trying to talk

their way on because they're destitute. Yeah, right. Jesus Christ. So Parker somehow talks them into putting all their money together. What the fuck? Can you fucking imagine? At this point, him being like, are you all interested in an investment opportunity? Well, I mean, kind of. This one's pretty good. What, what do you mean by good? Well, it's great. It's the best one yet. I actually have a letter from the king of England. Is that true? Read for yourself, guy. Holy moly, boys. He's got a letter from the king of England right here. That's right. And you remember, I lost my forging arm, so there's no way that's inauthentic. I believe you. I don't, I don't think any man alive would forge a letter from the king

of England. You're goddamn right. He wouldn't. You imagine the sixth son of a bitch that would do something like that as the captain of the gorilla band. You can trust me. I trust you. So what I need is everything you have, which I understand you're like, he already took everything that I have, but I need a little bit more. If you dig a little bit deeper right now. Well, I have if you just give me it. No, no, hold on. I can give you a foot. Well, that'll do. What get throw every appendage you can in this pile. Think of it like an all in whatever you got. Deeds, jewelry, penises, get it in the middle. Let's stack it up as high as we can. Let's see how big we can make this kitty. I got a plan. Want to know what it is? What? Well, I'm not going

to tell you until I start seeing some cash. What do I look like? Stupid? Only one of us has a cape in a gorilla costume with a leader hat. So they put all their money together. There you go. Because he says he has gotten a ship to agree to take them all if they come up with a certain sum of money. They're so like, okay, okay. And then he says, look, here's the ship. The ship's out there. It's, you know, out. It's hard to see. My eyes are so dehydrated. Little further just past where you can see. You see it? Well, all the men go and they get in rowboats and they row out to the ship and Parker of course takes off. It's like when you're like you play the joke with a football and you're like deeper, little further. I got a cannon. All right, let's go inside. You just leave.

He's like, row out as far as you can go. And as soon as you do, the submarine will pop up from the bottom of the ocean and rescue you all. Now I'm going to stay back here and make sure that nobody tries to thwart the plan. Go. Oh, hurry. Someone's coming. Go, man. Go. Go. Row. Row. Row. Row. Row. Dumbass. So, so they do, they row out there. So, Ty, who are close, do you see it? I see something. Well, no, there's a ship there. Oh, there is a ship. Yeah. That's a ship. He was a lion. And the captain's, the captain's like, no, I have nothing. No, no, no. We're Parker's friends. Yeah, no, I don't know who you're talking about. You're really a captain man. No. One armed leader of the non-forgery army, our best friend. Sure, he took some from us, but at the end of the day, he's a

good fellow. Now let us aboard, he promised. Where are your clothes? He took them. Your penises? They're gone. Please, we have nothing. We'll do anything to get on your ship. We're Parker's friends. No. It's going to be pretty hard for us to believe that the fifth time he bullshitted again. So, from a survival standpoint, please, but also from an ego level for the love of God, let us on. Please, please, sir, please, please, please, please, please, please. Hear me out. No, no, no, hear us out. No, I'm going to, I'm going to give you what you're looking for. Okay, please. No, you sit at base. And also, I want your rowboat. Oh, you can't. And that other foot. Oh, that's my swimming heel. Every rescue animal has a story. The global pet foods wants to give them their

voices back. You can't change their past, but you can help rewrite their future. Donating will make sure animals are happy, healthy, and ready to start their next chapter. Show us your heart so they can show you theirs forever. Visit your local global pet foods between February 10th through 26th to contribute. You'll get a free take home treat with every donation. Eat, play, love. So, that, no, no. Anyway, what's for lunch? So Parker probably assumed he had time to get away. But they found him in Mazatlan and they, he said, what? That captain, I knew he'd say something like that. I mean, kind of here, take this letter row back out there. This will get you on. He, it's from the king of Mars. He said it was a misunderstanding. Oh, of course. But then he

does charter a schooner using bad drafts and all the men get on a schooner and they get to go to San Francisco. Wow. But again, the chip owners fucked. Right. Yeah. But then also they get to San Francisco. We just pumped right out of gold. Yeah, there's that. We had it for a while. So, Parker now decides to live life as a bandit. I mean, I feel like the bandit life chose him. But like robbing travelers, robbing coaches, stagecoaches and ranchos. And at one point, they end up robbing a mule train that had 200,000 in silver, so about 6 million today, which brings the Mexican army after them. Okay. And after a gunfight, Parker is wounded and he surrenders. Okay. Now, in April 1851, the New York Herald reports that Parker has been hung. Whoa.

And the story's picked up across the country. About a week later, the story, Prince of Retractions stating that they're actually in prison. Okay. So now he goes on a PR mission and he writes letters to all the papers saying he's innocent and that all this stuff about the bank frauds and everything else, that's all his enemies on Wall Street making up stories. He ends up charming the prison commander. Oh boy. Who gives him privileges at the prison. Boy, you're you, I'll tell you, I can't believe that some people have thought of you like this. It is so unfair, the characterization of you. Thank you. You're just a good guy. Well, I appreciate that. Well, I appreciate you because being a, you know, guy who just sits in prison all day can

get pretty lonely. Yeah. Don't leave me a time to have a lot of friends. Oh, you know what I mean? Yeah, here you go. Because when I'm out there, like there's nobody to relate to really. And then I find you and I'm like, man, I found my best friend. And I mean that. I mean that. I'm flattered. Well, you said you're a great guy. You're misunderstood as what you are. Well, it's not that you're a liar. It's that everyone you've ever come into contact with is a liar. What are the odds? Miniscule. But somehow that happened. I just don't like having a set of bars divide and BFFs. I got something sort of strange I got. What's that? Well, it's another never mind. No, go ahead. You mean it? I'm listening. Nice, stupid. No, come on. Come on, what? Go ahead.

Well, I got you a necklace. Oh, no, but wait, wait. It's not just like some bucket or some bullshit. It's half a necklace. Yours says, What's the other half say? Asked, ands, or ever. And it's shaped like a half a heart. Oh, so when you wear that might look a little strange. But when we fix and to get together, we can put them together as one. Oh boy. It says best friends forever. I told you, stupid. You know what? I've been thinking I have a little cabin here on the prison grounds. You have a cabin on the

prison grounds? Why don't you stay there? You seem okay. I've never seen a cabin on the prison grounds. All I do is walk this area. I know this area better than anyone. It's over yonder. That way. I can't even see it, but maybe it's just past where I can see. Lots of your good stuff is. Well, he was given a nice private house to stay in. Here you go. By the prison. There you go. We keep this for our favorite prisoners. His two guards were more like servants. What? And he had a lot of sex. Quote, such was the wonderful charm of this talented man's manner that he had become a lion among the pretty senioritas. Wow. So prisons where you want to go.

The guards like, can we get you anything else? Not now. I'm busy fucking. Now I don't know why, but the governor releases them. Parker and his gang. No one really knows what happens for a while. But he gets to Mazatlán and boards a ship to San Francisco called the hollow. Well on July 1st, 1852. Now the ship has a really hard time in the headwinds and it's basically not getting anywhere. Sure. And so they ran out of food and water. Okay. Seven passengers died of starvation and 47 days they had only made it from Mazatlán to Ensenada. Nice. So they flagged down a ship and that ship gives them 12 days of provisions. Okay. And Parker offers them the captain $40 to get on that ship. Right. But the captain's like, no. Okay.

15 days later, the hollow makes it to a little cove near San Luis Obispo. Oh, nice. Yep, checks out. Yep. Two places to live on it. You zillow those now. They're really expensive. They're out of food. That's why they stopped there. Sure. So at this point, the crew and the passengers just fucking leave the ship. Papers in San Francisco said Parker had bribed the captain to stop. But Parker's now in really bad shape. He has no friends. He has no money. It's a very rare time when you're like, I should have stayed in jail. His clothes are a tatters and he quote, had the musty smell of a Mexican prison.

We all do. Yeah. I mean, his Mexican prison experience was far different though. Yeah. That's the smell of fucking. I think that's just what he smells like a Mexican prison, like what banging covered in bang sauce. It's a cologne. I make it. Bang sauce. So he heads to Los Angeles and he scams some merchants. He's the perfect actor. He's got the bank notes and he scans them out of clothes and he gets a hotel to stay in. He scans them out of their clothes? Out of his clothes for himself. Oh, okay. I don't like their clothes. He goes to stores. I have a letter from the mayor and I need your suit.

Well, shit. Letters a letter because I run home nude. So he's looking dapper and he has some money and he heads back up north to San Luis Bispo. This dude is the, I mean, it's amazing. He's a money zombie. Yeah. Yeah. And remember, he's a lawyer, so he sets up shop as a lawyer. Sure. And I mean, he's not a lawyer. He just says he is. And with his gift of gab, he quickly becomes a leading citizen. Okay. Got to love LA. No, San Luis Bispo. Oh, whatever. You got to love it. The county border supervisors are very taken with him. And so they appoint

me Parker to be the district attorney. Jesus Christ. He was just with seven dudes who died. I was like, I'm the DA. Okay. I mean, he is, he's like sitcom premise after sitcom premise. He's like a reality show intro. I was a bullshitter in Mexico and then I was on a ship that almost got sunk and a bunch of people died. I thought I was going to have to be a cannibal, but now I'm the DA. That would be his real housewives intro. I was about to eat a bunch of friends of mine. And now I'm the district attorney. A year later, he was elected to the California state legislature. He's perfect. He's perfect.

But on May 16th, 1853, Lucretia files for divorce. What? She fucking hung in there for quite a while. I mean, what the fuck? She's like, I thought you were dead for the last four years. I sort of was. Good Lord. He was in a prison begging like a bunch of women. You know what? Enough's enough. I really, I just, I'm moving on. I'm done. It's just not going to work out anymore. Well, I still live in New York. So once he hears, he rushes back east and whatever he, how did he get there? He was like wagons. No, whatever he said worked because in December, the family took a steamship to San Francisco and they all settled in San Jose.

Wow. Holy shit. They had another son. Now in the legislature, Parker was put on the ways and means committee. It's, it's literally could get elected today. In 1855, he started a newspaper called The Daily State Tribune. This is. And used his poll to get a lucrative government contract printing official records. This guy, he's like, I could spot a forgery. So I know bullshit when I see it. And he joined the no nothing party. He became the secretary of the party in the state. So in California, the no nothing swept the state elections.

Now, having one arm did not stop Peter from getting into fist fights. Wait, Peter. Sorry, Parker. Peter Parker. You son of a bitch. Origin story. Yeah. Wow. I'm Spiderman. The key to a good forgery is making it incredibly tiny.

So wait, that's him? No, that's former governor John McDougal. Sure. Who made an offensive remark about a stream court justice who was a friend of Parker's. He quote, struck the ladder with a severe blow to the face. So he's still Parker punched this guy in the face. Parker still one arm. He's a tough guy. Ladder is a misleading term. I was picturing him taking a ladder just whacking. Oh, right.

No. Okay. So Parker uses his arm and I mean, he hits his arm. Yeah. Yeah. But what you did him with the one that he still has. Yes. It wouldn't. Go ahead. So now he's doing business. He's, you know, in the state government and he's got his newspaper

and he becomes friends with another guy who owns a newspaper, William Walker. I'm assuming you don't remember William Walker. I hear the name rings a hell of a bell. He's the guy who did the filibusters. Oh, right. Okay. He's our filibuster. Man. Right. He's the one who went right.

Mexico. Yeah. Right. He was he was like, yeah, he took over a lot of places he shouldn't have. Right. Said he had armies that he didn't. So Walker had tried but failed to filibuster Baja California and Sonora a year before. And now there's a civil war happening in Nicaragua. Mm hmm. And a California businessman down in Nicaragua told the president he knew two men

who could help William Walker and Parker French. Oh my Lord. So Walker said he met alone with the liaison from Nicaragua, but Parker said he was also there. Sure. And they agree to help in exchange for, I think this is, I think I have the wrong number here. I think it's 520,000 acres, but this is 52. Okay. But it's a lot of acres.

52 is 52. Yeah. I think it's 520. 52. 520 acres. Let's do it. Yeah. We agree to that.

Like an idiot. Damn. So they agree to take all this land in Nicaragua to fight with the army. Okay. So Walker is, the plan is Walker takes a force down and Parker stays and keeps recruiting and then comes with more men later. Sure he will. So they get backing and they get backing from a company that's like a transportation company

that will pay for the men to be sent down. Okay. So Walker sails with a 58 man force that he called the immortals. Calm down. Calm down. Seriously. He's like a Marvel movie. We are the immortals.

Six men died. God damn it. Fuck it. Don't tell anyone back there. Another guy just drowned. All right. Look, listen. God damn it.

Listen. Stop dying. That one. I may do with my foot hand. That one has syphilis. Syphilis? Well, he'll be fine. Just keep breathing.

Don't die. We're immortals. Kind of. Pretty much. Not at all. Yes. Very much so. In San Francisco, Parker posted notices for the Central American Colonization Society.

It mentioned farms and said they should probably bring guns because it's, you know, a rough place. He does not mention there's a civil war on. Right. What else? What else? What else? Am I forgetting anything else?

To bring guns. Very farmable land. Great opportunity. Yeah. Great food. Great food. Great drink. Revelry.

Hope you know how to dance. Yeah. Oh, you're going to love it. Good land. Great farming. Hope you like to get laid. Yeah. That's it.

Pretty much. Yeah. OK. So we're good to go. Let's go. Yeah. You'll never die, by the way. Oh.

Yeah. We're immortals. That's a weird thing to say. Yeah. Go ahead. Get out of here. Scared if there's a civil war. So knowing of Parker's past, papers are questioning his land grant opportunity in Nicaragua.

And so Walker arrives and he's immediately routed in a battle. And he recruits more men and gets more weapons. Parker sends his family back east, because he's going to go down to Nicaragua. And when he hears Walker has lost the battle, he gets on a ship and heads to Nicaragua. OK. Right when he hits the ground, he's arrested by opposing forces. I'm shocked that he went. Well, it's an opportunity to make money, to have all that land.

Right. It's a lot of money. OK. So he is in prison, and he writes a letter, and has it published in the paper, just shitting all over Walker. OK. He's probably cozying up to his captors, like, you know, saying, I don't like to say. Yeah, like the prison guards, like, you're a very good man. You know, I spend a lot of time here alone.

I don't know. Our conversations are so deep sometimes. I don't know. I don't know. What if I got us something? Would that be so crazy? Well, it works. He ends up making an agreement to supply them with gunpowder, and they release him.

Wow. And he goes straight to Walker. On September 2nd, he returns to San Francisco to get more recruits. And when his ship arrived from Nicaragua, 106 were dead of cholera. But Parker is OK, because he had a first-class captain. Wow. 106. Yeah.

Fuck. I would not get on a boat with him. No. I mean, I'd get in, yeah, I'd get in, like, the same room. But yeah, no, he's, yeah. He recruited men. He gathered resources, and he would, he also, all right, he'd write propaganda about himself in the paper. Oh, nice.

Quote, Captain Parker French, whom we believe is destined to figure nobly in the future history of the Central American states, arrived in this city yesterday. Captain French considers that Colonel Walker is in virtual possession of Nicaragua. Anonymous. In two days, he has 55 men ready to go. He buys tickets for 35 men, however. A lot of them will probably die on the walk. And hopes he can sneak the other 20 on.

Uh-huh. So, let's play a fun game. Half of us getting half of our coats for fun. Come on, let's see. Bet you can't fit inside of him. Somehow, the people on the ship know how to count, and they kick the 20 off for not having tickets. Right. So, 35 men arrive in Nicaragua, and they join Walker's force.

And the Civil War side that Walker is fighting on takes the capital. In California, recruiting is pretty easy. Hundreds of men want to go. Right. But he's again in money trouble. The newspaper's gone. He had sold it twice fraudulently. Right.

He told his creditors he was absolutely not going to leave the city, and then he left the city. Of course. The San Francisco Bulletin quote, from all we learn about Parker French, a late respectable editor, we think he is as precious a scoundrel as has ever escaped our shores. He stole about 1200 worth of goods in the city before he left, and under assertions that he was not going to Nicaragua. So, the ship lands in Nicaragua at San Juan del Sur, and took control of a lake steamer. So, you can see that the ship is going to take control of a lake steamer.

So, he gets there with his men. Right. And there's a lake steamer that goes across a lake, and it's just full of civilians, and he takes control of it. And then they take the steamer, and they go to try to capture Fort San Carlos, which is on the lake, and they demand the fort surrender. But the fort's like, you're a fucking steam ship of people. That's right.

And they say no, and then they started shooting at the steamer, and he still had all the passengers on board, so a woman and her nine-year-old daughter were killed. And then he would be dead now anyway, to be fair. It's not right, but to be fair, they would not be alive. Okay, so the Parker that lets all of the passengers off the steamer, not all, but the fort, right, except for two, well, they could have let them off also. How great. But the people in the fort think they're being attacked, so they shoot at them.

Oh my God, the civilians, look at them. They have no uniform. Kill this army. So Parker bails and heads to Granada. He takes the steamer to Granada? I think so. I don't know how he did that. That captain's like, what are you talking about to Granada, my man?

We're on a lake. Figure it out. We're going to do some land steaming, too. Look, come on, come on. We're the immortals. Transform, more than meets the eye. Let's go. Oh, land ship, come on, we're a land steamer, choo choo, whatever the fuck it'll do.

I've got a letter from the land that says we can pull this off. So Walker hears about this, and he's furious. He didn't like that he had endangered civilians. Right. Peace is negotiated, and Walker is now part of the government, and a provisional government is formed. Parker comes back. Walker becomes commander-in-chief of the army. Parker is made the minister of Hacienda, which is like a treasury secretary.

Okay. Wow. I mean, he's fucking perfect. Yeah. Now, the minister award isn't like that these Americans have so much power, and he sends letters to allies in other countries saying Walker is a danger. But the letters are intercepted, and Walker accuses treason and hasn't tried and executed. So Walker is basically consolidated power, like the one guy that's a problem is gone. Right.

Walker is basically a dictator of Nicaragua at this point. Put some weight on, and some buttons. Yep. So Parker has a shipment of gold from the U.S. seized. Right. The U.S. There's a shipment of gold coming from the U.S., and to Nicaragua, and the U.S. seized, is it? Okay. Wait. A shipment of gold is coming.

Parker's shipment of gold from the U.S. is seized by the U.S. Okay. Gotcha. Right. The arms were seized from passengers, and so the U.S. has basically squeezed them. So he gets the head of Granada to lend a thousand dollars in silver, and then he starts hitting up merchants in Nicaragua for huge fees. If they can't pay, he takes goods. So he's just raising money for himself and for Walker.

But now Walker, and Walker has money now for guns and ammo. So it's all, you know, he's basically ripping off the people for Walker. Then Parker gets accused of massive bribery and graft, and he steps down, and instead they appoint him ambassador to the U.S. This is very awkward. Hello! What's up? Let's talk.

Walker would later write that he had to send Parker out of the country because he was, quote, dreaded by the people. Sure. It doesn't, that doesn't matter here. In America, he could be dreaded by the people. Oh yeah, no, they're like, you'll stay in power. But everyone hates him. Fuck it, they'll forget.

Something will trend. They'll forget right away. So Parker now heads to New York. I think Lucretia's like, hello, asshole. Right, I'm married. Darling. Sorry, I was fucking Nicaragua. I love it.

So he starts recruiting right away, offering land grants and cheap passage. People, everyone, hundreds of people are coming in to see him because he's a big hero, like he's conquered. Right. As much as the president and his administration doesn't like it, like people are like, that's awesome, you conquered a foreign country. Right, right. On December 21st, the Secretary of State said the U.S.

would not recognize Parker as ambassador and would not recognize the new Nicaraguan government. Okay. A U.S. attorney said Parker had no diplomatic privileges. So the U.S. sees as a ship that Parker is about to head back to Nicaragua with with 230 colonists, colonists. Right. Any, and they accuse him of being mercenary.

So Parker tells the U.S. attorney to resign. It's an interesting move. Gotta love the balls. They didn't take my balls. The U.S. attorney charges him with violation of neutrality laws. Resign. What? That's right, quit.

Get out of here. Do it. No, you're under arrest. Under arrest? How can I be? You just resigned. No. This man is full of dog shit.

So a warrant is put out for Parker's arrest, but it's rescinded 30 minutes later. And people, the newspapers think that it's because they, they were going to arrest him and they're like, don't give me any publicity. Right. And so they pulled it back. Which is also publicity. Yeah.

He's a, he's a wizard. Right. So Parker keeps recruiting. He sends 125 quote mechanics and laborers who get to Nicaragua and immediately put on military uniforms. And now he goes to DC and he lives. Dave, where at the dog has to take a piss part of the show? Dog has to piss?

How can he tell? She's one. Oh, maybe it's a boomer. That's how I know he has to go. Pull over, then you go to the flying jet and get a piss. Let us know if it's one or two and you get back. I like closure. Yep.

So he's living life. He's living the high life at the national hotel in DC. Congress loves him. This is fucking, it's so like we just love, yeah. And we love this type of person. Yeah. We really are so attracted to this like,

like this guy would have 15 million Twitter followers. Oh yeah, for sure. And then he'd buy it for a fucking dumb amount of money. Yeah. And then that's A most, most in Congress support the filibuster in Nicaragua. So now there's a head, there's like a head figure, the Nicaragua president. He recalls, he recalls Parker as an ambassador.

And he suspends all relations with the U.S. Even though Walker's in charge, he's like a guy. Right. So on March 12th, he sets off. It's like we have a president, but it's really run by the company. Yeah, right. On March 12th, he heads to Nicaragua 200 recruits. Now the accessory transit company, that's one I told you about,

that they were in business with sending men down, has been paying to send all these recruits to Nicaragua. Interesting. Every guy we've talked about, everybody on the ship, this company is paid. And Nicaragua now owes this company shitloads of money. Right. But Walker has a plan. He revokes the company's charter.

And at the same time, he knows that'll crash the stock. So he tells a bunch of guys, he tells these certain guys that helped him out, that he was going to do this. And so they short the stock and they make a ton of fucking money. Wow, they were even back then, like we'll just short it. Yes. And Parker, so the accessory transit bank is owned, sorry, the accessory transit company is owned by a guy named Cornelius Vanderbilt,

who is the richest man in America. Oh boy. And he is fucking pissed. For reasons exactly, we don't know why. I'm sure there are many. When Parker arrives in Nicaragua, Walker fires him, quote, Parker French, I will give you 24 hours to leave this country. So Parker writes a letter to Walker talking shit about his leadership

and threatens that he's going to form an army and overthrow the government. But then he just heads back to the US. He goes to New Orleans and he meets with all the city elite there. And he speaks and he does speeches and he urges them, you know, he says the US has to absorb Central America and he says we have to fund Walker. So men start giving him money to give to Walker, never stop scamming. Honestly, never, never, everything's an opportunity. Yes.

I need to help Walker right now. Pass around, penises to get him in the plate. We got to help the guy. We got to help the guy. So now publicly, he's out backing Walker. He's talking about him. Investors are giving him money for the cause as he writes his support in papers. In Nicaragua, they don't know what the fuck is happening.

And they just like his supports bizarre. So the Nicaraguan government writes letters to the papers in the US stating they have no connection to Parker anymore. And then Parker gets arrested for old debts. Wow. That should be his nickname. Old debts. He skips bail.

Sure, of course he does. And he goes somewhere. I don't know where he went, but he gets into land speculation. He's a fucking terminator. Will not die. Every time they've got him, he's like, I'm the president of the United States of America. What? Okay. Well, I mean, that letter checks out, I guess. So Walker learns that screwing over Vanderbilt was a bad idea.

As the richest man alive, he backs other armies and they overthrow the government and they execute Walker. What the fuck? Now Parker moves his family to New York and they have another son. How is she hanging in there? Another son. And they live a very quiet life. What? No way. There's no way.

He's Batman. She just doesn't know it. Well, the papers keep writing, when's this guy going to do something? Yeah, honestly, you need to have Parker watch. It would have like a little counter on CNN. It's been four days and he's not done crazy bullshit yet. Well, apparently he wasn't living a quiet life. Yes.

He was a part of a secret group. Here we go. Oh. Called the Knights of Columbus of the Golden Circle. Oh my God. So they are, how do I describe them? This is before the Civil War. They want to, they want to filibuster, create a country where slavery is legal.

There's nothing else that we, it's still like sort of nebulous. Right. On March 1860, they had a big meeting in New Orleans and Parker was there. And he decided to approach the company BP Ethel and Company who sold goods in the area. And he said he had a deal for them. Oh boy. He would give them six boxes of opium. Hello.

Which they could sell on commission if they would advance him $3,500. I mean, good Lord, you pass on this. I know you're like, this is a good deal, but you got to be like no opium. Well, they decided to think it over. Uh-huh. They maul it. But he's like, look, I'm here in town. I don't have any money.

And they loaned him $600. As who the fuck? I look, I'm here for two days. Here's $600 in 1860s money. Oh, fuck. Awesome. That'll do great. Awesome.

Great. Fucking awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. But when the loan was up and he was supposed to pay it back, he couldn't pay it back.

And he asked for another advance on the opium. And now the company guys are like, well, this is weird, whatever he's doing here. Yeah. So they open the boxes, quote, by some magical process, the opium was found to have changed to the cheapest kind of rock salt. So he flees. Right. And a sheriff tracks him down and finds him in St. Louis and arrests him.

There's no record of how he got out of jail. I know how. You know, it gets pretty lonely out here. Working here so much. I mean, I basically work doubles. I never had a chance to connect with nobody before. Actually, well, that's dumb. So I got us.

No, I'm not done. Oh, fuck. I got us something. Man, stupid. You probably don't care. Maybe you do. Now I can tell you there an interest. Did you just want to keep reading?

Parker starts being seen in different northern states after the Civil War breakout. He was using aliases like Carlisle Murray and Charles Maxie. And what he was doing is working on a pad. He was getting your mind out of the gutter. You missed so much. One or two. One. One felt like a two.

You missed a lot of chair stuff. So he would he would get abolitionists to donate money because acting as this, he was a stop slavery organization. And then he would send the money to southern organizations to fight for slavery. Right. In 1861, Parker was arrested in Philadelphia as a suspected operative of the Knights of Columbus of the Golden Circle. God, that's like a lot.

Like if you're arresting him, you're like, you're under, just look, fuck it. You're a liar. Get in the car. Shut the fuck up. He was also suspected of being an agent of the Confederacy. So he, however, refuses to admit that he's Parker. He just keeps saying he's Murray, Carlisle Murray, and they have to let him go. Because that was that was how easy it was.

I guess so. You were just like, for the last time, I'm Carlisle Murray. All right, Mr. Murray, you're free to go. Well, he's got us there. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, that lamps on him for as long as possible. All right, fuck. Well, thank you for letting me go.

And here's a bank note. Perfect. Thank you. This is signed by Charles Maxey. Yes. OK. So he flees and goes to the small town of Bamford, Connecticut, where he lasted about six weeks before someone figured out who he was.

OK. And he gets arrested and sent to Fort Warren, which is a island. Which is a really hard jail to get out of. It's an island prison in Boston Harbor for political prisoners. OK. And up until now, the press had kind of loved Parker as like this delightful rogue, you know. A little scamp. What?

Look at him. So many people have died. So many lives are ruined. You little rascal. Is it a crime to be a stinker? But now, with the whole, you know, taking money from abolitionists being part of this group and working for the Confederacy, everyone hates him. He's a traitor.

They hate his guts. A long investigation is now conducted, but the investigator determines they cannot make a definitive case that he is a spy. And he is released. Fucking hate this dude. I mean, finally, the body's dead. Jesus Christ. Upon his release, he goes to Washington, D.C. and starts working as a lawyer.

Which he's not. Not for union army units. Oh, we're like, you get it. You really know how to get in the mind of the Confederate. How do you know so well? Well, I don't know. He also operated as a merchant and sold the army units goods. Here you are.

Don't open the boxes of arms until I leave now. Boy, are they good guns, though. Let me tell you. When the war ended, he moved his family to St. Louis and did some cons. Which all ended with him a ton of debt. So he bailed on. Not good cons. No, I guess not.

So he bailed on his family and went to California again. And then he just started moving from place to place. And he finally comes back to D.C. in December of 1869, when Lucretia is dying of inflammation of the brain. The heart. She leaves the kids to her, to care for her sister. That's amazing. She's like, stay away.

The only person who could care for them properly. Who they love and know. Not their dad. Not dad. Parker was not mentioned in her will. Wow. In 1870, Parker moved to New York and became a real estate agent. Well, yeah.

Sure, you can have this house. I can't see it. It's just past where you can see. What a spot it is too. Hope you like motes. He remarried in 1875 to Reba Claggett, a clergyman's daughter. Oh boy. Well, she was like, I mean, I'm a sucker for bullshit.

Come on. What? Come on. Come on. This is Kentucky. Don't applaud that. Let them clap. But he's not in good health.

But never has been, to be fair. Yeah. Ned McGowan, quote, French appeared to be a perfect wreck of his former self, was drinking hard and taking a modicum of chloroform in each drink of whiskey. You've got, if you're addicted to chloroform, you've got to do it like this.

So you take a sip of whiskey and then you just put it on a rag and you're like. And then now you take yourself out in a struggle. I'm saying that for the people listening. Too visual, dad? He only has one arm, right? Yeah. So the other arm wouldn't be flailing.

Don't make me do that fucking impression, asshole. Do it. One arm, chloroform yourself. Fight yourself off and chloroform yourself. Nope. And you, whoever said it. On June 18th, 1878, a doctor was called as Parker was said to have very painful congestion and sepsis of the lungs and stomach.

He's full of bullshit. Parker died the next day. He was 62. Man. The New York Herald just wrote, quote, died French June 19th. You know next rainstorm that fist came out of the ground though. Yeah.

The sources for this are Joe Goodbody's Kentucky Barracuda, Parker H. French. Wow. Fucking A. Yeah. What a liar. What a liar. I mean, really, and maybe the biggest liar.

Pretty big. Pretty big. Pretty big. And everybody fell for it. Can you imagine a liar getting atop the, well. No. Not in this country. You can't, you can't succeed if you're a liar.

No, not here. Nope. It always catches up with you. You don't get to keep going on and going to different states and having rallies and saying that the other election was stolen. Never, never, never. Not here, not in this day and age. Think, I mean, imagine it now.

It would be like you would be in, you would be done. Yes. You'd be over. Yeah. Thank God too. Because we'd be fucked otherwise. But my guess is it would be a great alternative that would never mind. What did we just do?

A five hour show? How long did this go for? It was two hours. That was a long one. How long was it? Two. Oh, I think you just said three. Fucking liar.

You think the dog enjoyed it? Okay. Promise? Promise? Okay, good. He seems pretty happy. Yeah, you can tell. You can tell the dog's smiling behind the mask.

I mean, it really is, it just is incredible. Like, it's the combination of how easy, like you kind of were the first person to be doing some of these cons, which is so advantageous. But it is remarkable that you just, we found new way, like we want to be lied to almost. I do. Yeah, Dave, stop. We're not talking about fetishes. Thank you guys so much for coming out.

We appreciate it, truly. Thank you. Thank you. Love you. Bye.