The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 564 - Early Bad Boys of Harvard

Episode Date: December 20, 2022

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine the early days of Massachusetts and Harvard Sources Tour Dates Redbubble Merch   Squarespace

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. Hey you did it. I'm so proud of you. All right man. You're listening to the dollop on the All Things Comedy Network.

This is an American History podcast where each week I, Davide Anthony, read the story from American history to a guy who does weird stuff with his hands. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. I don't like it. There's a lot of criticism it starts out. I got two things for you. Shut up Dave. It feels like I'm doing a podcast with someone in my family. First thing someone that I don't know too well but said to me do you know who you remind me of? And I said who and it took them a minute to remember and you know who they said? Arnold Schwarzenegger. Tucker Carlson.

A fascist. And the second thing. You remind me of a fascist. Yes. I think like looks wise more than like. No not even. I look I'm struggling with it. He's like if you skin and put it on the Pillsbury Doughboy. It's just in every way. He's the softest human being alive. He's there's no one softer. Like he is like he was he was raised in a pile of money and no doesn't know anything else. He doesn't go out in the sun. Well that's very one throws him a ball. There's not dogs played with. There's not cats played with. They pick him up and move him from his couch to his bed. I like that. And then he goes into the studio being

carried in a carriage. A baby carriage. I would like that. A man beyond. You wouldn't like any of this. You're like the part where I get carried into the studio and carried to the bed. Yeah but you're too you're not you couldn't handle it. You couldn't handle it. Love to give it a shot. And all I got to do is kind of be a racist transphobic right wing fascist. Yeah that's it. I mean they're carrying me wherever I go. You're saying everywhere you go. Yeah you buy it. It's almost like you don't have bones in your legs. Oh man. Rubber. You got rubber legs. Let me think about it. Let me think about it. Okay. Okay. Let me think

about it. There's a lot of down. There's a lot of down but it's just yeah. Well you're fast getting carried in. I don't know. It's just like there's one up. It's the carry. It's the being carried. I really just here's my second thing. Today I drank an onion tea. Intro! What are you talking about? I did. I said let's go to the intro. Was it a bet? Someone said drink an onion tea so I did. Was that person like a weird lady on a bench outside of a sprouts market? And called it quote is jam-packed. Jam-packed? I'm the fucking hippo guy. Stay okay. My name's Gary. My name's Gary. Wait. Is it for fun? And this is not going to come to Tiggly

podcast. Okay. This is like an on a five part coefficient. My room's a place. Now hit him with a puppy. You both present sick arguments. No sleep though hippo. That's like an action part. We have a live virtual event right in the new year 2023 January 12th. January 12th 2023. Year of our Lord. It'll be a reverse dollop. I'm going to dollop Dave's ass. You can get tickets that by going to moment.com slash the dollop. And that'll be January 12th 6 p.m. Pacific time. So join us for no cops. If you're a cop, stay out. We also have a new podcast called the past times, which has been it makes people love it. So you should go check that out. We go through an

old newspaper. Adam Conover just signed a one episode deal with us. He does. That's pretty exciting. And then also Dave, go watch my special, which is now on YouTube at the all things comedy website. You can either go there and search for it or you can just go to my website. Gareth Reynolds dot com where there is a tab that says special and you can click that and it'll take you right to it. It's called England weed and the rest. It's available now for public consumption. So go watch that shit. Also, I'll be going on the road working on new stuff that's not on my special. So yes, it's all new. I won't be repeating stuff. You can go see me at the Detroit house of comedy on January 27th,

28, three shows, Providence comedy connection on January 29th, Hartford funny bone, January 30th and Levity live in West Nyeck, New York on January 31st. Go to Gareth Reynolds dot com for ticket information. And there will also be more dates in March and April. And also if you want to have a heightened experience with this podcast, join us on the Patreon. You can go to Patreon search the dollop. Join us there. A lot of cool stuff like we just released the episode where I saw the craziest picture of all time that they've popped in and people seem to enjoy that banter. But it's crazy. It's the most shocking picture I've ever seen. And there will be no dollop next week because it is the birthday of the

Lord Jesus Christ, our savior and son of God and then some other stuff, I think. Most importantly, what Jesus wanted everyone to know was we are brought to you in part by a square space. What is square space? You ask, well, of course, it is an all in one domains, websites, online stores, marketing tools, analytics, situation. They got it all. Square space is all in one platform to build a beautiful online presence, run your business, do whatever you need to do online. It's what square space is for. Gareth and I have been working with square space for, well, since the beginning of time, since before there were cars. We've been in business. We love our square space. We both have our websites

with square space and then we got the dollop sources with square space. We got the dollop podcast.com with square space where you can go and get all of your tour information and that sort of stuff. There's a couple of bios on there. We're not kidding around with that website. I was first attracted to square space. That's what I'm going to call it, attracted to. There was a little something there, a little something because of the templates. Very nice looking, very clean, very easy to use, which a dummy like me needs. No updating stuff. You don't have to deal with any of that stuff. It's all there. You just go in and you can fix it up any way you want. You can try different templates before you decide

to jump in and it's great. It looks great. It looks clean. It looks crisp. With the templates you can customize the look and the feel and the settings and the products and everything. Just a few clicks. Super easy to do. There are all the websites. All square space websites are ready to go for mobile content automatically adjusts your site. So it looks great on any device, a little tiny phone is what we're talking about all the way to a computer. And then you'll get when you sign up with the square space, you'll get unlimited free hosting top of the line security and dependable resources to help you succeed. And that's what we're talking about succeeding. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to go to squarespace.com

slash dollop for a free trial. And then when you're ready to launch use offer code dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Don't use another podcast name. That would be insane. Why would you do that? Use dollop squarespace.com slash dollop 1578. Wow. Year of our Lord Jesus Christ, son of God. You're saying that with a little bit of the attitude of babies. Sure. Did he make babies? He takes the sperm and he puts it in the egg himself. What a creep. Jesus. He has internal. What a creepy move. They're called overhands. And he goes in with his overhands and he takes the sperm and puts it in the egg. That's disgusting. Nathaniel Ward was born in Haverhill, England or Haverhill

probably. Haverhill. Haverhill. Haverhill. Haverhill. Go on. I'm not. Don't just move over. No. Haverhill. Come on then. Come up the hill. Now go down it. No, shut up. Get that guy out of here. Avael. Hello. His father was John and his mother, Susan. John was a Puritan minister. He attended Cambridge University graduating in 1599. And then he studied law at Lincoln's Inn in London, which is weird. They really foresaw things that they named it before Lincoln was even born. And it was at Lincoln's log? Lincoln's Inn. But it wasn't a log. It wasn't a log cabin. I guess I was just kind of wishfully thinking that it was like Lincoln logs. Was that based on anything with Lincoln, Lincoln logs? Yeah, it was based

on his log cabin. So they made Lincoln log? That was like a toy. It was like a toy for way, way back then. Kids had it great. Kids had it great. It was great. It was a great time. That was like TikTok for us. We got Lincoln logs. It was like TikTok. Building a little cabin. So he began to practice as a barrister in Jolly Old England, as they call it. But he loved him some religion. And in Puritan religion, and in 1618 he visited Heidelberg and happened to meet with German Protestant reformer David Perius. Now he was a big, big fancy guy then, a big theologian. And Perius talked him into entering the ministry. This is the dad, right? No, this is Nathaniel. Yeah. Okay. Okay. I mean, it makes sense

because his dad's a minister. He went into law. But then he's like, you know, we just love harsh. Well, then he goes to Germany and some cool guys just like, look, what are you after? Like, come on, get inside the church for a little while. Would you enjoy yourself? Yeah, the dogs are barking. Perius talks to me in the ending ministry. So he leaves lawyering. He's no longer a lawyer. He becomes a minister. And Perius helps him get a post as a chaplain to the British merchants at Elbing Prussia because this is part of Prussia, which is becomes eventually he's part of Poland. But right now it's Prussia. In 1624, he comes back to England and became a curate of St.

James Piccadilly, London. So I don't know. I don't know what that is. So it's just like you're these are your people. What's what's what is what is your Piccadilly? What do you guys do there? Well, Piccadilly like Piccadilly Circus. So you think Piccadilly is a circus? Mate, you sound ridiculous. You are Piccadilly. Piccadilly Circus is a part of London. I have been to a part of Piccadilly Square I've been to. Sure. But but St. James Piccadilly sounds like it's something else. Well, let's just you know what I'm saying. No. Why don't you know? What does it mean? A house belonging to a tailor who specializes in a lace collar called a Piccadilly. It's a lace collar tailor place. Well, OK, so if you want to know what

a Piccadilly actually is, it's mainly a tailor who works in lace collars. Yeah, so you're thinking of Piccadilly Circus, which offers a variety of cinemas, theaters, shops and restaurants, including famous traditional English pubs. That's what you're thinking of. Yeah, but then I didn't know you meant the tailor who only provides the lace collars. So yeah, a Piccadilly as far as like a like a hard and fast location is a, you know, be a tailor who sort of specializes in collars made of lace. So many so many English people are mad at you right now because whatever you've said, it's wrong. You just he then became a minister of a church in Essex, England. And he preached the Puritan doctrine. And he became known for

it. And that's not a good thing in England at this time because this is that's going to lead into a whole civil war situation. So not good because in 1931 he was called up to answer charges of non conformity, not conforming. Yeah, he's not conforming. How dare you church of England. It's amazing that like to, you know, like, I mean, it's always you've not been conforming. Have you? Not potentially not in the way that you're after. No. Right. But it's religious non conforming. You've not been you disagree about what God's done, haven't you? And you've been making up different shit, haven't you? Not the type that, ah, sorry. It's not the way it worked at all. Way off. No, no, no. Let me tell you

what this fantastical man in the clouds is actually doing. Pretty much. But they didn't try to remove him. They didn't try to remember, but a bishop of London reprimanded him. They, they, you know, after they brought him on the charge. So, you know, not great, but don't do it again. Yeah. Don't do you non conformity, please. They eventually did. They eventually did, however, remove him two years later. They're like, all right, you're not going to stop with the shit. The not real. We have a different version and yours is not the same. So he was thrown out of the ministry and now he has to leave England to avoid religious persecution. Sure. So he makes his way to a little place

called the Massachusetts Bay Colony in America. Mm. Land of death. Huh? It's like you're going to go there and die, right? Mm. He's 56 years old. Jesus. The colonists wanted to live in a society that followed God's plan. Sure. And, uh, and they want, uh, they use the Bible to guide the government that they make in their social structures. So it's a, you know, theocracy type, uh, with really cool Puritans. Of course we all know Puritans are cool as shit. So great. Now what is, what are, are they following the Bible in England too? Like are they, they're just like you're interpreting the Bible wrong or are they following some sort of? No, he, I, I don't, I, religious stuff, I don't, I don't know anything about it, except for how they harm

people. But I'm, the Church of England broke away. Like he had some issues with, uh, well, Pope shit. And he sort of started his own version of a religion, the Church of England. And then, and then Puritans, I think, are doing a little something different. So there's a big fracture there. It's all, it's all, yeah, it's all, it's all how you interpret, it's how you interpret them. They get, they get to America and then they have more disagreements. They're like, that's not how you do. And they're very small. Like they're, like I was reading about the differences are just so insane. You're like, what are you guys doing? Right. So not everything can be covered using the Bible because stuff wasn't in the Bible. Like, you know, don't steal socks or whatever.

Like there's stuff that's not in there, right? Right. So for that, they look to British law. They're like, all right, we'll check out the British law stuff for that. Not, not a lot of lawyers at this point. And even the lawyers that did come didn't bring a lot of books with them that had all the English law. You know, they're not going to bring their entire book collection and a ship because this is too heavy and expensive. So they're kind of winging it. Like they, it's, they're doing it from memory and experience kind of figuring out. So anyone with any sort of education is automatically an expert in America. If you land on the ground and you're like, I'm a lawyer, they're like, you're the best lawyer. What are you talking about? Suck his dick. Suck this

man's dick. This one's amazing. So that's Nathaniel. Okay. So he gets there and everyone's like, whoa. Oh, look at him. I mean, ministers are educated in at least the ones that are a little fancier. They're, you know, they're educated in colleges and they become ministers through, you know, going to a school. So they're a little, you know, on the fancier side, a little elitist. So Nathaniel becomes a minister in Ipswich. And after two years, he has to retire because his health is not great. He's 58, right? Like at that point, he just came to a country that's not really formed and is going to be cold as shit. Yeah, it's can't be good. Yeah. Yeah. He's like eating, just eating gravel, you know,

like it's not, is that that feels like that's hyperbole. No, no, I cooked it yesterday. It's not bad. Okay. Yeah, it's try it. You like a natural diet. He ate gravel and then you're also cooking gravel just to be clear. I just wanted to, you know, I like to, when I do these stories, I like to live as the people when I'm writing them. When I'm doing my research. I think for a lot of us that's new. That's news. Oh, you guys don't know that. Yeah, that's a regular thing I do. No, because we've covered some really crazy stuff. Yeah. And to hear that you're. Yeah, I've killed a lot of people. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Kill Gareth. They, they do that over in my favorite murder. They've, they always live it like they

inhabit the killer for a while. They've killed. So they're just killing people every week, you're suggesting. Yeah, I know they are. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So he is out after a couple years, but they need, he's still working. He just not doing the minister stuff. He, they need an expert for the laws and such because he is appointed in 1638 to come up with the colonies legal code. Wow. Yeah. They had already had, they had had a one version written by a minister named John Cotton, but they were like, these are a little too by belief for us. Wow, which has just got to be crazy. Unbelievable that you could do that. For them to just be like, I mean, look, we're nuts, but this guy's like friends. Yeah. This is, I mean,

he said long fingernails, you get your feet chopped off like it's. Excuse me. No, we like it. We're just talking about the fingernails stuff. Yeah. Yeah. We were talking about the fingernails. I don't remember that and I'm a minister. It's, it's can you show us. You can't, you can't. Yeah, I can show you here. Look there. Now, what is that? That wasn't anything. I just, I just went through it real quick. It's passage five colon 15 to six colon nine. If you lie about fingernails, we take your fingers. You're not allowed to because of why Genesis. What? Passage three colon six to 15 colon one. That's the passages. Passages of the Bible. Stupid. Yeah. Okay. You guys are really, really stupid here. You're lucky you have

me. Now let's cut them down guys. Let's cut them down. There's one thing the Lord freaks out about it's just long nails, long hair, mustaches, stinky people. He hates the stinky. Can I just, can I just say you, you sound like a guy who's pretending to be a minister, doesn't know anything about the Bible and he's just doing like improv stuff. That's what it sounds like. Excuse me. Yeah. I know every part of the Bible. Cain and Abel. Mm hmm. What happens with Cain and Abel? Adam and Eve. What happens with Cain and Abel? They're brothers, you fools. They are brothers, you dumbasses. What happens between them? There's an argument, you idiots. Now get back to cut those nails down. And then what happens? No more mustaches and nope. What happens after the argument?

After? Yeah. One of them is close to death or potentially dies. So you're saying there's cliffhangers in the Bible? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So this is probably we're not going to use your version of laws because it sounds like you're winging it like you haven't actually read the Bible. So you're a terrible Puritan in the sense that you don't know anything that you're supposed to be pure about. I just answered every one of your questions. Okay. All right. So we're going to have... At the end, it's a psych out. I don't think that word was around. I feel like the word psych is not part of the Bible. There's not a lot of psych... He is about to cut his throat and he goes, I'm going to do it. Then he goes,

not. That's what happens. In the Bible? Yeah. He opens a biblical can of whoop ass. Yes. Okay. We're just going to move on. So like I said, they don't have books and they have this one expert or two experts, right? So the first guy writes it. It's bad. It's too biblly and there's not an English common law in it and he has experience as a lawyer and Nathaniel does. So the version that he's going to work off the old guy's version and the old guy's version proposes the death penalty for 16 crimes, usual stuff, witchcraft, murder, sex crimes. And this is, again, this is the sort of more loose approach. This is the tough... This is the biblly approach, the very biblly approach. Oh, this is the

biblure. Okay. So what he's going to work off of. Right. Also, you get killed for insulting magistrates and breaking the Sabbath, worshiping another God. If you have sex with a beast, gay sex, anyone over 16 cursing or smiting a parent? Listen, you can't have... Ravishing a maid. You can't bang a beast. No, no beast banging, not even Mr. Beast. You can't ravish a single lady. So they were like, okay, a little bit, this is a little bit too far because we should be able to ravish single ladies. And I really, I think we should be able to have sex with beasts. I'm going to throw a flag on that one. We're going to table that. We're going to table that one later. Also,

does anyone know where the beasts are hanging out? No, we don't actually know that. Okay. If anyone gets eyes on a beast before we kill it, let me know, because I really want to have sex with one. Do you consider... Wait, what? I really am looking forward to sex with one of the beasts. Well, then we have to kill you. No, no, no. And then we were just saying that we could kind of talk about loosening it up a little bit. Yeah, no, but we haven't. Yeah. So I'm just saying, let's loosen it up and let's let some of the people go off. And if they find a beast, as long as it doesn't hurt anybody in the town, we should be able to have sex with them. It hurts. It hurts the beast. What hurts the beast? Let's see what we're talking about.

Having sex with them. It'll hurt the beast. Well, are you penetrating or are you doing oral? Well, what's a beast? It's like it can be as big or as squirrel or bear. Oh, that's not as hot. I was picturing kind of like a really big kind of hairy monster. Yeah, no, those those aren't a thing. Okay. Well, if anyone for the record, if anyone gets eyes on one, let me know because I'm looking to yeah, I'm looking to make this is a history podcast. This isn't a comedy sci-fi podcast. And it's about exploring one options and opportunities. Yeah, absolutely. Not all options. I would say some options. We just some options. Yeah, but let's just look if any look all I'm saying is if anyone finds a big hairy guy who's like full of hair, it looks like a Teen Wolf.

Let me know. I know a guy like that. I went to college with him, Joe. Oh, I'm looking. He's actually from Los Gatos. Probably not the same thing that you're looking for, but he had been out there. I mean, I'd love to take him out for a Marguerite or something. He's Greek. Works for me. So Nathaniel is going to reel it in the last version a bit. They'd be the first code of laws in New England. And he does it and they're enacted in 1641, written by Nathaniel and called the body of liberties. Nice. It's basically a bill of rights. It actually has a lot of stuff. There's crime and punishment stuff, but there's a lot of stuff that's just like, you know, rights stuff that we have today. It had a hundred sections, plenty of Bible stuff in it still.

It said the court should make no law that conflicted with biblical teachings, but still less Bibley than the previous guys. Like I said, a lot of stuff from today. It ensured equal justice and freedom from indiscriminate arrest and imprisonment and prohibited double jeopardy and cruel punishments and no torture and no confiscation of private property. Yeah, all this stuff that we still have today. All the stuff we let cops do now. One could not beat a woman except for self-defense. That's pretty progressive for the time. Also, I mean, how many guys like, well, she was, she was coming at me. She was coming at me. Yeah. Yeah. And I had to shove her. I had to shove her because she was coming at me. Right. And that's why she's all

banged up and bruised because she was coming at me. Yeah. So self-defense. There was nothing abusive about this. She was coming at me. Right. How many times? How many times? How many times? Well, she'd come at me four to four to 500 times. She's come at me. Yeah. All right. So I had to defend myself. It doesn't seem like it, you know. All those people who were saying that I'm abusive. No, she was coming at me. Yeah. Yeah, she was coming at me. She were. Yeah. Not really seeing it. Right. Well, you should see her. Not so much. Second you close the door, she'll come at you. She'll come at me. She, no. Yeah. I haven't done that. No. We've had the door closed more than once and there's not. She's, well, she wants to lock, wants the candles

extinguished. She's coming at me. That's not the way she's coming at me. Yeah. So animal cruelty was made illegal. I thought that would make you happy. The goat was coming at me. Okay. Servants had some rights. Very big on slavery, this document. It's very much like, no, they're good. We should have a lot. You may not abuse. The human life is crucial. It's important that we, no matter what the goat's creature is, whether it's a pig or a woman or anything like that, also do what you like to your slaves. Pretty much. And obviously stuff we wouldn't even think of today. Like quote, that henceforth every baker shall have a distinct mark for his bread. Yep. Absolutely. Yeah. So you'd have like a G.

Sure. Yep. Cause you don't want. Sure. You don't want what? Well, you don't want someone plagiarizing your bread. Right. The beer plagiarism, bread plagiarism. Yeah. I raise these beers because the next one is beer quote, to the end, no other but good and wholesome beer be brewed at any time in this jurisdiction. That's so that it's also kind of like party land. They don't want bad beer. Actually, the other thing is a henceforth from this moment onward, we will never have skunky brew. All beers must be very nice, a good ale and they will never be bad beer as well as shots are mandatory. Okay. What kind? We'll do shots. And what if a fellow citizen of this new land of ours asks to bum a grit and you have more than three in your pack, you shall oblige the fellow citizen

and allow them to also bum a grit. Right. These are the important laws we have, dude. Yeah. Can we do one about blow? Yeah, for sure. Look, if you are not supposed to hold the bag because you've got a bit of an ant eaters syndrome, then you shall not hold the bag. But if a fellow dude comes up to you in the lavatory or the outhouse and suggests that he too would like a key bump and you have more than a gram in your bag, you may also grant him a key bump. And again, if you have more grits because everybody's going to want one after that, and you have more than three, you must bum him a grid. And then enjoy a sweet ass beer because none of the beer here will be bad. So I was thinking like, like I got an eight ball and I was going to

split it in half and then sell half and then I was going to make profits. But then I did it all. And so I was thinking I didn't, if you do that, like if your plan is to sell half and then, and then do the other half, but you do it all accidentally, then you don't have to pay Jimmy back. That was sort of what I was thinking we could put in there. Super confusing there, but you do not have blow. No, I did it all. Yeah. So that's like super specific. These are kind of broader commandments. Okay. Well, that's broad. It's broad in the sense that, you know, if you get an eight ball and you're supposed to sell half and then you do it all, then you shouldn't have to pay back. Were you around other people when you did this? Yeah, I was in Cancun. Dude,

you're like on a bit of a different page. All we're saying homie is do not hog the bag. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not hogging the bag. So don't hog the bag homie. Sheila gets some, you know, stop saying, bring in specific names into this shit, dude. I'm just saying no, quit just saying, dude. Enough. Okay. Okay. Enough. Enough. All right. You need to just kind of chill out. I would suggest maybe in a little fungus again, law of the land. If you shall find the fungus in the poo of cows, you may pick it and eat it as long as you have something like peanut butter to try to make it go down easier with or marshmallows. Can I, before I go, can I get 50 bucks? Go, go. Get out. This is already long. It's so long. So many people are mad.

The Puritans did, however, consider some of the English punishments too cruel, like burning at the stake. They were like, that's not, that's a little bit much. But others are okay. So still, still a bit of capital punishment in Nathaniel's version. Whipping is the most popular punishment that they had. A lot of the capital crimes were taken down a notch, adultery, witchcraft, blasphemy, murder, sex crimes, theft of a slave, treason, perjury, with the intent to wrongfully have someone else killed. Those are capital offenses. But then that's it. That's all they did. They didn't do all the rest of them. Nathaniel, they reeled it. So that's the loose, that's the loose one. That's the loose version. That's the, not as,

now Thomas Weld was another, they have the same last name. So the, the two main characters right now. So Thomas Weld is another Puritan minister who came to America after being excommunicated from the church for nonconformity. He lands in Boston in June, 1632, and quickly becomes the first minister, the first church in Roxbury. So he's also, he's really big into politics. He likes to argue and he was described as quote, a man of intense and narrow mind. Well, that's, that's a good combination. That's what you want. That's a, that's a guy. Intensity with a sidecar of narrow. Yeah. This is a guy, you're like, let's bring him into our poly situation because he's going to be great. Yeah.

He was also called naturally intolerant. Nice. That's cool. Which is, yeah, these are like a gift. It's yeah. Thomas is also very involved in Anne Hutchinson's trial for heresy, which which that was one of those, there's a slight difference in what people are thinking here and how the religion should work. So everyone in Massachusetts lost it and Thomas was a huge opponent of the Hutchinson wing and he would like go over and interrogate her at the place she was being held. Was this witch stuff? Constantly badgering her. Nope. She was just like, the body crisis is different. Like it was just really minor shit that they believe. It was really, it was so minor. It's a biscuit. Not a crack up. So she would actually be convicted and then

banished from the colony and she started her own colony called Rhode Island. Really? So yeah, she started Rhode Island. Does she know about the comedy connection? Cause I'll be there. Yeah. She, she started the, okay, that sucks. Yeah. No, she's, she doesn't like crowd work. There's a lot of that going around. In 1636, you see Culkinates thing. Yeah. And then like every comedian that I'm friends with like, oh, thank you for saying this. I get it. Delicate undercutting of comedians, of other comedians on social media is like amazing to me. It's like the amount of times when I'm like, yeah, just say my fucking name asshole. Just say it. So you hate my guts. You're not the only guy who

does a lot of people do crowd work. No, but it's like this, like there's like this whole thing where it's like, look, I, you know, you're like trying to like get people to follow you on this shit. And then so if you are like working on stuff, you're like, all right, well, I'll just post these fucking crowd work clips and then I'll post stand up. But some of these people have been doing it for like 25 years. So they've like got tons of stuff. So it's like, yeah, what a luxury to just have clip after. Well, not all of us have that. And then it's like, I was going through those comments and I'm just like, okay, friend. Uh, yeah. So, so in 1636, the great and the general court, which is the Massachusetts great and general court

appropriated 400 pounds to start a college to train ministers, which would be the first college in America. And good for ministers. Good. And Thomas was one of the overseers of the college. It was called the new college. Nice. Could be called the first college. But they could have called it that, but they called the new one because it is technically also the new one. Sure. And it was also the best one. They could have called it Trump U. Go ahead. It was just, uh, it was in a farmhouse, uh, in the middle of Cambridge, which is just all cows. And it's an acre. And then, uh, it's, uh, why is this missing? And then it's also part, it's a library and then part of the, oh, yeah, library and part of the farmhouse. And the guy

whose property is his name, John Harvard. Okay. So John Harvard and came. So, okay. One, hold on. Let me get the whiteboard out. I'm going to do some quick math. It is Yale. You're right. Yes. That's where I felt we were headed. You knew. One man wrote, it smelled like a stockyard quote. The, I didn't even read this word when I saw it, the ammoniacle, ammoni, ammoniacle streams, the ammoniacle streams emanating from yarded cattle mingled not inappropriately with the odors of the cooking. So in other words, he's like, everything smells like cow shit because of the farm, but he says not inappropriately. So he's not inappropriate. So he's like, ooh, what are you making? A stew? And the smell of cow farts with the food is really

quite good Lord. I can't wait to dip into this. It doesn't sound like my kind of thing, but you know, it's my kind of thing. I know it is. How great is it to eat stew and smell shit? It's not good. I don't like it. I love the pairing. So they, they created a code of laws for the school quote, if any scholar shall be found to transgress any of the laws of God or the school, he shall be liable if not adults to correction. So if they're kids, adults, if they're under 18, under 18, then they are, they are liable for correction. So they were trying children as children more than we are. Yeah, yeah, they're basically saying because it says if adults, his name shall be give up to the

overseers of the college that he be admonished at the public monthly act. So a cat did run by behind you. Did you see that? Yeah, it flew by really technically. It flew by. He goes from sleeping to the feeder going off time to eat in like it would, it's like a Porsche commercial. Yeah. So what they're saying is we'll punish the kids with who are bad, but if you're an adult student, then you get like a verbal, you know, your bad thing at the next meeting of the town. Okay. That's it. So the first headmaster at Harvard was Nathaniel Eaton. And Eaton came to the US with three brothers in June 1637 on the ship named Hector. Hello. Eaton was an old friend and ex classmate of John Harvard. Eaton is also a well educated Puritan.

And of course, being a friend of John Harvard, he landed the job of school master at the college. Not sure how that happened. But you know, congratulations. Yeah. A minister called him a rare scholar and said of the students quote, their education truly was in the school of Tyranus, which is school in the Bible or Paul taught. So he's like, this is how good it is. It's all it's just like the place that Paul taught. Oh, so he loves it. Yeah, it's a good thing. Okay. So they're all up on Eaton and Eaton brings in Harvard's first slave, of which they over their over the whole time at Harvard, Harvard probably had about 70 slaves. So that's exciting. Oh my God. They did they are they set up on the walls when you walk through

the campus? Probably not. No, but the the faculty are the ones who did the research and found that out. Oh, wow. And then enjoyable. Yeah. To this day, no one knows his name. He was only referred to as the more he served the college students, at least while Eaton was there and Eaton quickly began beating the students routinely routinely giving them lashes with a switch for breaking these rules. Yeah, whatever. Yeah. Okay, for whatever or probably just not studying enough or not. Like he's hitting them a lot. He was hitting them. This wasn't seen as a really bad thing, because the Puritan magistrates are pretty familiar with beatings. So they were really concerned that it's just like it has to be done. It's a it's that sort of thing. We have to do it,

keep people in line and whatnot. And if it was in the rules, if they weren't adults, so all good, right? Right. Students started complaining. What? Well, not about the beatings about Eaton's wife's cooking. Seriously? Mm hmm. Okay. And then one point they said they had to eat the same food as the more God forbid. His name is Eaton and they can't eat her food. That's correct. Okay. At one point, they claimed she served a pudding that had goat shit in it. Well, that's a fair complaint. How are they liking the goat shit? We don't we don't want that. Go on. Try more. We don't want the poo. I miss is Eaton and you will be eating the goat shit. Bye. Right. So yeah. No, we don't want the poo. You will be feasting from Mrs. Eaton. We eat the shit pie. Right. No. All right.

We get it's a song, but we don't I think I've put too much shit in the pie. Yeah. Was it one cup? Let's see. Flour, eggs, sugar, shit. No. Miss. Ma'am. Okay. Was she putting shit in the pies? I think she was. I was she doing it as a punishment? My takeaway that she was kind of an asshole. I think she was doing it as a punishment. Yeah, I think she's trying to feed them shit. I think she put shit in there to get like, maybe they're complaining too much about the more eating their food or whatever it was. Was it goat shit? Did we say did you say it was? Yeah, goat shit. Yeah, greatest of all time. Is goat shit shitty or is goat shit kind of rabid? It's a little I think it's a little more rabid if I recall. Well, then they have nothing

to complain about. No, it actually might be a little humane like doggie like dog poop doggy. We have to Google it. I'm good. Well, you'll you'll know right away. It looks it looks kind of rabid. It looks like it looks like horse horse. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's kind of exciting. You're fine with that. Beat's dog. Wish it was rabid, but it beats dog. Yeah, it looks really gross. I'm just gonna say that. All poo does really. So, so you're one of these all poo guys? Okay. She did admit to making bread with sour meal. And the students also complained about a lack of beer. They weren't getting enough beer. Okay. At this point, beer was an expected part of an education and considered as necessary as like books. Sure. Sort of still kind of like that.

Maybe not as much. I guess you don't expect this from the faculty. During the day, I think, while you were studying, I think you drink beer. It's awesome. It's so funny. The thing of we think of as Puritan and then you're like, except for the shit faced part, just getting plowed. Yeah. So, so at the start of the 1639 school year, Eaton beat his assistant for two hours with a cudgel. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Yeah. John Winthrop, who was the governor of Massachusetts, would say the cudgel was, quote, a walnut tree plant big enough to have killed a horse and a yard in length. So that's a three feet piece of wood. And just beating her for two beating here, hitting him. Yeah, beating for two

hours. After the two hour beating, a neighbor came to his rescue and stopped it. Jesus, by the way, I mean, if you're the neighbor, it's like, thanks for hurrying. Two hours, you're like, that's it. I'm going over there. Okay. You know what? I just can't sleep with the screaming. It's 1030. He had taken two hundred strikes in two hours with just two. He got two brief intermissions from the beating. Let's take a five. The assistant is so thankful that he's been saved. He starts praying to God, thanking God that he had not been killed because he thought he was going to die. See, that's a weird way to look at it. At that point, Eaton started beating him again for taking the Lord's name in vain. It's an intense school. Sure. It's not great. It's probably like

Stanford is now, I would imagine. Sure. This would be like a Tesla out of college. Yeah. So this is apparently too much for even the punishments, the Puritans, dished out. And so they decided to put Eaton on trial in the Massachusetts court. Though his friends were doing everything. They were doing everything they could to prevent the trial, his friends. Sure. A town constable, a reverend and an elder really pushed it. They believed he had done nothing wrong and beatings were just part of his job. For two hours. Two hours. The elder thought the trial would undermine authority in the college for any authority from then on out and also as well as households in the communities. Who's

going to want to beat somebody if, I mean, if we put this guy on trial, who's going to want to like beat their kids or beat their wife or beat their, yeah, beatings are going to go so down. Even located a beast. It's a question. I mean, you know, are we getting closer to any of this stuff? We're not so much ridiculous beast at this point. No, I'm just saying we shouldn't be, obviously, if look, if this goes wrong, then we're not going to be able to, you know, use capital punishment any longer on people. Plus, where are the beasts? Where are the beasts? Yeah. And if we find them, point them out to some of us who want to go talk to them for a little bit. All right. Buy them an ale. See what's up. No one's going to do. You know, I'm picturing a Sasquatch or maybe

a dog man. No, absolutely not. Well, if you see one, I won't. I'm a widow. So I'm allowed to play the field. It's not okay. I'm allowed to go see what's up. Have fun with that. Harry, but you know, hey, someone give me a fist bump. Harry, but fun. And it all right. No one's going to do that. Well, let's let's just let's figure out all the things we're all talking about soon. All right. Ready, break. Governor Winthrop oversaw the trial. And the first question of the trial was whether a school master had total power over students and his subordinates, like they're like can he do whatever he wants? That's really the president. And then could that be just verbal or physical? It really, it's really like the heart of the whole Puritan punishment thing that's been

questioned. Right. And because they're certainly into terrible punishments. In 1636 punishments handed down included hanging, whipping, branding the stocks and setting the tongue in a cleft stick. Okay, so they got rid of burning at the stake and they're like, we are so much better. Anyway, put his tongue in the cleft thing, put his tongue, let's bifurcate it. I'm pretty sure the cleft thing was so you couldn't talk. I think I would imagine. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I would, I tried to look up what a cleft stick was and I couldn't figure it out, but I definitely found like they put like cages on people's heads and so they couldn't talk like something would go in their mouth. I sent it to your head to five years. It was basically

like this lady talks too much. That was like what the thing was for. Okay, sure. So the trial is where everyone found out just how much he had been beating the students on the stand. He admitted that he would beat them with 20 or 30 strikes until they confessed to what he was accusing them of. Quote, he would not give over correcting till he had subdued his party to his will. Sure. I mean, it's essentially like the, the, you know, waterboarding to get confession sort of thing where it's like, yeah, basically people eventually just going to tell you what you want to hear because they wanted to stop. Right. Yeah. And these are teenagers, right? That's what we're talking about. Even with the brutal punishments Puritans did, they,

a lot of them are like, okay, this is too much. This is, I mean, I'm crazy and this is fucked up. Yeah. This, this is not what I was expecting. His wife also testified and just basically copped to all the food stuff and the beer issues. The locals were horrified. It's great if they were just bringing her up as like a witness and she's like, I plead guilty. I've been putting goat poop in the pies. No beer. I've been making stinky beer and not good beer and I've been putting poop in their desserts and their foods. I'm as guilty as they come. I don't know. I'll be honest, there hasn't been a meal that hasn't had shit in it the whole time I've been here. Goat shit. Goat shit, bear scat, deer poop, human feces, my feces, mainly mine. Okay,

we're good with the story. I've just really been cooking a, cooking up a whole thing here, which just is. Witness pleading. Not good. Witness to stop talking. I don't want to go on a long list of certain things that look like feces that I can just tell you had poop in them, but I could. Stoos and goulashes to pies to, you name it. Yeah. I've got little pun names for them too. Like I made them a poo can pie. Okay, we got to go. Okay. Wrap it up. How does this work? Someone pays me or? You just leave. No, there's no money. You just take off and nobody'll kill you probably. Okay. So yeah, she just, she just cops to it. The locals were very, very upset that she was not giving them beer for periods longer than a week. So there's a lot of beatings

and then people are like, can you believe this beer stuff? This poor student body? Uh, so eating is found guilty of beating his assistant and other misdemeanor crimes, but he would have probably been found innocent if he could have proved the students were obstinate, unruly or not behave well, but he did not try to make that case. So in his defense, he wasn't like, well, they're being dicks. This kid did that. This kid did that. Well, he was probably so like, guys, I'm allowed to beat him. That's exactly right. He, he's trying to make the Puritan case of I get to beat them. This is who we are. This trial is a farce. It's like we're putting us on trial. I should be beating everybody who has me here in this courtroom.

Oh, well, that's an idea. So his defense was that he was innocent because as a school master, he had the right to punish anyone as he saw fit. And after being found guilty, he still believed this and said he was justified in his punishments, which was weird for the Puritan world because when you convicted something, someone of something to them, convict also meant convince. So they believed that it was also convincing you, you had done wrong. It's the whole confess your sins wrapped up in the law thing, right? It's all sorry. If you were found guilty, then that was like, you were supposed to be like, Oh, my bad. Yeah, they believed that was part of it. You when you're found guilty, you should have come around and been like, Yeah, no, I did.

I did that. But he was not that. So the night of his conviction, he was taken to a cell or wherever they held him. And then a bunch of the elders in the town went in there and just talked to him and prayed well into the night, quote, yet for hours, he had still stood to his justification. But in the end, he was convinced and had freely and fully acknowledged his sin and that with tears. So probably worse than probably worse than waterboarding is a bunch of old religious guys who won't shut up talking to you and praying all night for you all night until you just go. Okay. Yeah. No, I yep. Okay. I can't do it anymore. I bust up then. So knees hurt. So once he admitted it, then in the middle of the night, they take him back to the court and they gather everybody

because the confession is supposed to be in front of the tons of people. It's public confession is part of the deal. And so he made the confession in front of everyone. So they get everyone up to be like he was guilty. Yeah, it turns out. And then his punishment was, of course, beatings to be fired from the job. That's it? Yes. Oh my God, we sent you to a new job. And we're gonna have to let you go. You can probably get it. Like much like a cop, you can get a job in the town over there. It would be great if every time someone was trying to fire you, you got a trial. Like every single time. So yeah, like, you know, just be like, it should be. Sorry, it should. They should. Yeah, that should just be like,

all right, look, it's not working out like, all right, well, prove your case in front of the court. Why isn't it working? Yeah. Then the Cambridge church wanted to have their own inquiry into what he had done. Maybe hedging that maybe he was justified, right? Because they're they are the, they're the church. So they're like, we get to beat people here. That's our thing. So Governor Winthrop tonight, it's stating there was plenty of evidence and witnesses. But it had not really been recorded. He wrote some stuff down. So after this, the church got a promise from the state that in future trials, the facts and statements would be completely recorded. So it could be referred to

later instead of having an entirely new trial. Right. So they had a whole trial and that's so it's like, all right, who wrote that death? Is that why you pointed to me with a pen? I thought you were pointing to me with a pen because you were like, I got this. Oh my, this was like seven days. Oh, shit. Did someone say shit? Not you, Grace. No, please stop. So this, at least if you could believe what I read, which I'm a little bit suspicious of this, but it's stated this is like the beginning of court reporters. Right. This trial. There was only one record. All the way. And then just think that's the seed that gave us the fruit of Nancy Grace.

I don't, I'm not a big believer in Wikipedia. It's usually full of shit, but Wikipedia did say that there was only one record of his confession and it was destroyed later in a fire in historian James Savage's office. But like a hundred years later, Wikipedia said this is fire suspicious. But I don't know if I believe any of that. But anyway, that's what they said. They said there was a record of his confession. So people today think, I don't know why they're like, he wasn't guilty. Like, so I don't know, like, I don't know where you would get that from. But they're, you know, clearly selling with your Wikipedia is like, eating is innocent. Like it's very weird. I got my cause. You got your costs. All right. You want to help the homeless?

It's like those people on Twitter when you're just like, boy, Elon Musk is a shit. They're like, jealous that you don't have $44 billion. He could be like getting massages and having personal chefs right now. Instead, he's working on making this site awesome. And you're like, buddy, enough. We get it. There is simply, there's something deeply wrong with you. If you can watch a human being treat his workers that way and think he's one of the guys you back, you need to look at yourself. Yes. Go get a fight. Have you ever had a job with a terrible, terrible, terrible boss? Someone hurt you. Why are you defending him? He's a bad dude. There should have been a trial for every person he fired. By the way, here's an update.

Don't have a favorite billionaire. Hate them all. Ever. They're all bad. Yes. So there's a few versions of what happened to him after Harvard. Some said excommunicated, but he definitely left. The Crimson reported he took a nice bit of school money and fled to New Hampshire, but it was then tracked down by three men from Massachusetts who arrested him. But then he escaped when they were crossing a river. He pushed one guy in a river while the two other men helplessly watched from the other side and made his getaway, which is the dumbest escape ever. It's just amazing to just be like, all right. Well, you got wet. Goodbye. Will go. You stay here with him, then come over with him. Okay?

All right. I'm ready to, oh, he shoved me. Oh God. What are you, Jason Bourne? Oh, this was so bad. We had a bad plan now that I think about it. We did the Fox and the Hen plan, but we didn't have to. So then they said that Eaton moved to Virginia. He sent for his family and the family got on a ship and they were heading down and the ship sunk and they all died. Wow. At this point, he was super in debt, but he did remarry. And when he found out his debtors were coming to get him, he fled and left his second wife and went back to England where he got married again, but he was still in debt. So he got put into a debtors prison and died there in 1764. So that's

what happened to him. Now, when Ethan fled, when he left, the school shut down for a year. When Eaton fled? When Eaton took off, the school shut down, the new college shut down. The trial had shown that Harvard discipline should be about reform and not to repress or punish. Right. So they were like, these are students, so it's not the same punishment as we do outside. This is just a different... It's nice. They're like, college we don't beat. Everywhere else we beat. It's like a college beating. It's different. We'll call it hazing. It reopened in 1640. And the next guy to take over new college was a gentleman named Henry Dunster. He's officially listed as the school's first president because the other guy's the...

Eaton's the first schoolmaster, so he's the first president. Okay. And Dunster found a few of the ex-students still hanging around the college, but said they were quote, miserably distracted. So it's a year later and there's a bunch of... The students are just at the farm still. Kicking it. Like kicking it. Maybe going to the library. Maybe... I don't know. It's an odd one. Well, I know I like to go to... I mean, after I graduated Emerson, I hung out there for four to five years on campus. Just kicking it. Yeah, but Emerson wasn't shut down. No, no, no. They shut it down. So in 1642, Dunstrad's two students who engaged in... I don't know. I'm not going to know how to

say this word. People are going to correct me. Ribaldry? Ribaldry? Ribaldry. Ribaldry. So where they were like being... Because I figured that would be totally wrong. I think Ribaldry would be right. So they were just basically like, you know... It's crude talk. It's naughty talk. It's fingers and... Huh? It's naughty talk, basically. They were doing... Yeah, being dirty. Or bad behavior. You know, it could be right. They could be sticking fingers and things. Yeah, those fingers coming in every now and then. Look, all we're saying is a pinky got stinky. Go ahead. Yeah. Naturally, he gave them a solid beating with a switch and then they were expelled. So he

didn't put up with anything either. So that's the new version of doing things right. We're doing things okay now. 1640 was known as the general crisis hit. So some argue it was the worst worldwide crisis in history. Colonies and shambles. There's lots of wars. There's colonies breaking away. There's just all kinds of stuff going on. English Civil War starting. And that led to a total shutdown of immigration to America. And people also stopped having kids in America and the colonies depended on population growth to grow the economy, which meant there's now there's no new jobs. So immigration means less jobs. So Thomas Weld is still one of the overseers of Harvard. And in 1641, he goes back to England to get funds for the colony in Harvard.

And he would never ever come back. But he did leave behind his son, Joseph. And Joseph is friends with Nathaniel Weld's son, the guy from the very beginning, who's James. So Joseph and James, the sons of our guys. In 1644, they are both students at Harvard. And it's expected they're going to become ministers and they're going to follow in their father's footsteps and become leaders. But James and Joseph have a different outlook because the world's kind of fucked. And they're a generation that isn't seeing America in the same way. Most of the students are there to become ministers, right? But colony towns are not expanding. There's no new colony towns because no one's coming. And the colonies that are already have ministers, there's no job

openings for ministers. They need like a time like this one. Okay. So they're like, they're basically like, well, why would we? Yeah, why would you enter a landscape that is? Yeah, it's totally screwed. Yeah. Yeah. So they need they just need immigrants to create new towns and congregations. So for their class, there's just a total lack of opportunity. A lot of Harvard grads just start leaving America to find work. So people are now and everyone's leaving America to find work. It's estimated between 1640 and 1660, half of New England's intellectual leaders left to find work. Most went back to England. Wow. So Harvard students are feeling this leaves them feeling pretty indifferent toward New England and the surrounding communities.

They're just like, well, who gives a shit like what, you know, really screwed. Right. And they're probably gonna have to leave. So like, why would I, you know, connect with this shit? So this may have led to what happened in March 1644, when James and Joseph broke into a house and stole some money. A month later, they broke into another house, which happened to be Joseph's uncle's house. Because he had gone to England to get work. So in that house, his uncle's house, they stole money and gunpowder. It's an easy steal, too. I don't know how they got caught, but they got caught. I'm assuming because they all of a sudden had money. You know, they were like buying a mink coat and shit. You guys are sure firing your guns a lot more than

you used to get all that gunpowder. And those new Coonskin hats. Well, you guys are really seem like you're just shooting off a bunch. James, can I ask you why you have four four buckles on your shoe? Oh, yeah, I'm wearing two pairs of shoes on each foot. Thank you. So so yeah, so they get caught. And they had 15 pounds on them as well as the gunpowder taken from the houses. So it's pretty obvious that they did it. But because they're both sons of prominent Puritans and both go to Harvard, everyone's just like shocked. This is just beyond shocked. Like this is like Kanye, what's going on with Kanye, you know, they can't believe it. The school is absolutely mortified. There's no. So when Nathaniel Ward wrote the body of liberties,

he left out a punishment for burglary. There's no punishment for burglary. Um, Nathaniel only said that burglary should be, quote, severely punished. I wonder if he told his kid that one point. I don't know. Or he read it. It's the fan steel. I left a car. Let the carve out for my boy. And my boy, you can Bob, Governor Winthrop said, quote, we had yet no particular punishment for burglary. On top of that, with both kids being students at Harvard, the school would also be expected to punish them. Okay. Even though Joseph's dad is on the board of overseers at Harvard, but according to the Harvard disciplinary rules, since they're

since they're adults, they're only supposed to get a public dressing down, right? They're supposed to, that's it. They're not, they're not, they're 20. They're not, they're not under 18. So this is a perfect crime. It really is. They're supposed to get a, you know, hey, no, these guys stole some shit and they're bad. And then that's it. That's what they're supposed to get. So the powers that are the people at Harvard, the overseers, and even though his dad's an overseer, and, and Dunstan is almost in Dunstan. Dunstan. It is. He's not checking. No, it's Dunster. Dunster. Yeah. Dunstan is a Dunstan checks in. It's the orangutan who runs a hotel. Yeah. Oh, no, that's right. That's who this is. No, no, no, that's who this isn't.

Keep up. No, this is the schools run by a chimpanzee. Listen, if it is, we're in for a lot more hijinks. So, so they are all like, no, we need to punish these guys, even though it's not in the rules. So they order, they be publicly whipped as an act of correction and Dunster personally whipped them and got, they got a lot of, they got like 50 or some shit like they got a lot. And then they were expelled, the two boys. Okay. But then they weren't done because after that they had to appear before the general court of Massachusetts and the court ruled that they had to pay back the victims twice what they had

stolen. So there, take that. So Harvard punished them way, way worse. Yeah, I was gonna say, yeah, yeah. After Joseph goes back to England, no one knows what happened to him after that. But his dad, Thomas Weld, kept sending money to support Harvard for the rest of his life. He's like, we're so sorry again. At some point, James was allowed back into Harvard. No one knows how or why, but it may have had something to do with Nathaniel, who gave Harvard 600 acres of land near and over the same year as son's remit. Oh, really? I just figured I assume he was dead right after. Oh, like right after he gave 600.

Yeah, it always works out for rich people. That's like when someone like donates a wing to like, yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. It's just very different. Yes, everything's so different from Beck when the Puritans were around. Yes. James graduated with a bachelor's degree in 1645. He went back to England, became a fellow at Oxford, then got a degree in medicine, worked as a doctor for the rest of his life. He had all to his dad who didn't write that burglary should be a capital offense. Smart. Three years after James and Joseph did their burglary,

the general court came up with a punishment for burglars. Quote, if any person shall commit burglary by breaking up any dwelling house, shall for the first offense be branded on the forehead with the letter B. First offense. You have a B on your forehead for the rest of your life. That's literally what you look like right now. Yeah, it's me. That's exactly what I have. I have a B, but this isn't that. A B. Go socks. Can I get, can you do a cursive or can I get like a little flair to it?

Like it can have- Can I get like a little shamrock like the Celtics? Yeah, go Boston. Yeah. Dude, you're hardcore, Marty. So that's for the first offense. So what's the second offense? We put a B on your brain. If he shall offend in the same kind the second time, he shall be branded as before and also be severely whipped. So you get another B and then a B. Two B's on your head. Hey, what's up, baby?

Oh, you robbed him twice, huh? Yeah, two times. Tell me, Dave, Dave, make my life a tough- Yeah, tell me you get a third fucking B. I'm going to jump out the window. Into the offense the third time, he shall be put to death. Oh, damn it. After a third B. Oh, but there's an addendum. If he did it on a Sunday, if he did it on the Lord's Day, he'd have his hand cut off for the first one

and then the second one, he'd lose an ear and the third one, he'd be killed. I mean, these are just bonkers. I mean, so if you do it on a Sunday, you're out of your mind. Yeah, like, come on, it's not worth it. All right, that's your hand. All right, that's your ear. Seriously, do Monday, dumbass. At least three presidents of Harvard before 1720 used corporal punishment. The other colleges looked to Harvard and followed their lead on how to punish students. So Harvard was the first college, so everyone's like,

so how are you guys doing this? And they'd be like, well, we beat the shit out of them. And they'd be like, okay, cool. Cool, we'll do that. It looks like the beating stopped in 1720 as they moved from corporal punishment and more toward like a rational deliberate punishment for misconduct. Nathaniel Ward remained in England and became a minister again in 1647. After the Civil War ended, he was buddies with Cromwell. He wrote books and several religious pamphlets. And he was a huge fan of Cromwell's Slaughter of the Irish, who he called the Dregs of Mankind. Nathaniel died in 1652. And his son just got to be a doctor.

And no one knows what happened to the other kid, the other wealth kid. And for those who are curious, I did meet a beast. So sources for this episode, a pro book, HuskyHistory.com, Harvard Magazine, bunkhistory.org, The Crimson Paper, The Dilemma of Corporal Punishment at Harvard College by Catherine McDaniel Moore in the history of education quarterly. And the book Early American Criminals, an American Newgate calendar chronicling the lives of the most notorious criminal offenders from Colonial America and the New Republic by Anthony Vaver.

Anyway, Harvard was fucking fucked. Wow, that's a great history for Harvard. Still, still makes terrible people. Yeah, it's great. Good for them. What a great foundation. I, you know, I went to school in Boston and I walked around Cambridge a good amount. There's not a lot of talk of that part. Oh, there isn't? That's weird. No. They don't talk about the early days, the good old times? No, no, they don't. No, they kind of like, you know, it seems like they've kind of buried it a little bit.

Yeah. The floggings, the beatings. Yeah. You should still get a B branded on your head, I think. A double B. Well, for the second time, but I think one B. I mean, how great would it be? I mean, it's horrible because there's so much bullshit now, but it was like a just system. Like if we lived within a just system, giving people B's on their heads, or even for their crimes, just the letter on their head. You know what I mean? Oh, B and E, huh? Sucks. You got a DUI, huh? A bummer. I'd have a DUI on my head. You know who's a Harvard grad?

The Unabomber. Oh, wow. Kaczynski, huh? Yeah. He could definitely do with a B on his head. Is he still alive? I don't think so. Is he? Interesting question, isn't it? I wish someone had some sort of thing they could look that up on. Imagine. Last thing I Googled was goat poop. Is Ted Kaczynski alive now? Yeah, he's 80. Oh, shit. He's an old man. He's 80. Old bomber. No. I'd love to get eyes on him now.

Yeah, that is like, I mean, it's so bizarre how you just never think of the machinations of how we have kind of come up with the ways that we punish people, but of course it has this history in severe beatings. Yeah, it's really crazy though. So weird to have like religious beatings and then like college beatings. Like to be like, all right, and what's the college going to do? Oh, Kissinger. Oh, Kissinger too, huh? And Dr. Oz. Yeah, it's so funny because I was reading through this and I was thinking about how people are like, the people from the 70s and 60s are so fucked up because of lead. I'm like, what explains this? Like this is insane what these people went through.

Like you're just getting beaten all the time if you're not really on the straight and narrow. And granted, this is what a bunch of people in our country want to go back to. Like this is exactly the world they want, but it's really, that's just so disturbing. But now it's like their version of that is being able to take like a gun into a TGI Friday openly. Yeah. The puritan, we started with the worst. We started. Yeah. Our genesis is absolutely the worst people and we're dealing with it. We're not going to stop dealing with it because this strain of human being is here. It's deeply rooted here. It's not going nowhere. There's too many of them. Well, we still are obsessed with the way that the country was founded.

Obsessed. Obsessed. Obsessed. Like you're not allowed to like, it's like you're not allowed to say that there were problems. Right. You know, it's like not, it's like not standing for the national anthem. It's like saying that capitalism isn't great. Any of these things, it's just like people like, can't take you seriously. Yeah. You know, it's just like, well, why? Why are these, why? I mean, again, like, you know, I mean, these are our founding fathers. We're fucking, it's not great. And we still are just like, we still are just like, look, they had a plan. And it really is. It's so obvious why they say that. They say that obviously because they don't want you questioning anything. They don't want you asking questions about why did we get here?

Why are we a racist country? Or, you know, why, why is our class system set up the way it is? I mean, like, I would always think that like, oh, it took so long to get to this level of terrible class and stuff like that. And it's like, no, not, not really. Like it's, this has been the plan the whole fucking time. The whole time it's just been about like, if it wasn't like, you know, money and stuff like that, it was land or holdings or whatever it was. But the plan the whole time has been to like, look, we're the elite fuck off the whole time. Yeah. And I would, I would very much recommend people stop standing for the national anthem. Stop it. Yeah. Let everybody know how you feel. Let them all fucking, let them all see it. If a bunch of people started

sitting down for the national anthem. Oh, be so great. Yeah, well, they would stop. They would just stop playing it. They would stop playing it in front of games and stuff. If like, if like, 20, 30% of people sat down, they would lose their fucking minds. But that's what we need to start doing. Oh, God. That's so good. It's so good. It's so good. Just to be like, nah. No, just what I'm gonna just, I'll just wear a shirt that says I'm cramping. But I remember when I was a kid, like the national anthem, like I, like I would go see the Milwaukee wave indoor soccer shoutout. And I would like try to get out of there and go buy some food during the night. Like I was like, this is a waste of time. The best guy, the absolute best guy, the, the clown of the century is the

guy in the bathroom with his hat off standing there. The national anthem is being played at a ballpark. You are the guy dropping a dude. I got it. I choose honor over my shorts. I just don't just walk in and go pee. And he's just like, what are you doing? Yeah. And we have been indoctrinated to believe that this is like, that our wars are just, our theft is right, our history is just, and that, you know, we are the chosen. They all like, I mean, even the president always subtly nods to the fact that God blesses this country just a little bit more. Like, look, God loves all countries. He created them. But this one got fucking soft. But he loved Reagan. What do you want, dumbass? And hear me out. What if God doesn't want borders? What if he didn't

make borders for a reason? Yeah, this is the stuff where it's like, well, we had to make Wyoming because God's plan. Yeah. But the people who were doing it were idiots. Like they were, you know, murderers, rapists, slaveholders. Well, yeah, but I wasn't supposed to trace it back that far. It's pretty good now. Shut up. Yeah. Well, this is our Christmas episode. Reminds me, we won't be doing an episode next week because it's Christmas. I'll be doing an episode. Awkward. And I think maybe on the Patreon, I'll do something a little before New Year's like like a hangout or something. Oh, shit, which reminds me. Wait, I want to do some of these. I want to do some $50 shout outs. Shut up, Dave. People on Patreon who give us $50 a month,

there's a lot of them. And so we want to thank you. I'll just start with these ones. Phillip Lepper, Daniel Kleisner, John Simon, all caps, Courtney Rajan, Jeremy E. Hogg or Hague, Nick Wright, Jennifer Gray, and Ben Stansberry. And we'll thank more of you in the future. But thank you very much. We appreciate it. It's a free podcast. So, you know, word. Gobble, gobble. Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas, Dave.