The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 577 - How New Hampshire Came To Be

Episode Date: April 4, 2023

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine the beginning of New Hampshire Sources Tour Dates Redbubble Merch   Squarespace Mindbloom  

Oh, Gareth, you are listening to the dollop on the all, you're listening on the all things comedy. No, I'm not. I'm participating. This is an American History podcast where each week I, David Anthony, read a story from American history to a guy who owns a seal. I'm Gareth Reynolds and I have no idea what the topic is going to be about and I don't sign off on the earlier stuff, the seal stuff, or the fact that I'm listening to this because

I won't be listening to this because I don't listen to this. By the way, we haven't done an episode in a while. Do we even know how to do this shit anymore? You were often Poland or wherever you went. I went to Poland. And how was it? It's disgusting. You know, I always thought we made those Polish jokes growing up because we were like being

rude. You got guys breaking leaves and trees. I wanted to get on a submarine, but I couldn't because they were filling them with screen doors. It's just like everyone's pissing in the wind. People thought they were joke books, but they were factual books. It was an actual way of, it was a hot real take on a nation. It's really crazy.

It was crazy. I wish I could think of another joke. There's more, there's a lot more. I mean, I was walking around, I saw this guy, and he had a book open, it was a book on how to read. I mean, come on. Oh, come on. In Poland.

Come on. In Poland. Wow. How are you going to learn how to read from reading, guy? Ugh, that, that, what a silly place. And his, I saw his mom, and when his mom sits around the house, she sits around the house. That's not a Polish joke. You think that's a yo mama?

Let's just do the music. Okay. Action. And called it, quote, his jam-packed. Jam-packed? I'm the fucking hippo guy. Steve, okay. My name's Gary.

My name's Gary. Wait. Is it for fun? And this is not going to come to Tigglypock, guys. Okay. This is like anarchy. My room's a place. Now hit him with a puppy.

You both present sick arguments. No, sleep down, hippo. That's like no hippo. Action, partner. Hi, Gary. No. I sleep down, my friend. No.

No. Roder, Roder in the car. Uh, Gareth. Dave. The dollop. Dave. Is brought to you by Squarespace. Of course, what is Squarespace, Gareth asks, because once again, he, for some reason, doesn't

know. It is an all- How it works? In one... What? Oh, how it works? How it works? So it's a website situation, but it's also...

Why it works? You can get domains. Who work for it? It's websites, online stores, marketing tools, analytics, all of it. You can get all of it there at Squarespace. You just go to the Squarespace store, which is actually online. I've actually been going to the brick-and-mortar shop, and... Squarespace has a really great store downtown.

They have a really great brick-and-mortar, and you can go there, and they sell you websites in jars. And... Oh. I love the spot. So, the other thing is, they have e-commerce, where you can sell products, sell digital products, subscriptions, and they got sales analytics and extensions. They got everything you need.

You want to set up a business, you just want to do something simple, like set up a, hey, we just got engaged website, or maybe a comedy website. You can go look at Gareth, because here's the deal. Look at my engagement site, too. Gareth's website is with... Yeah. Which... It's with Jose, but it's weird.

It's great. Gareth's website is Squarespace, my website is Squarespace, our sources page is Squarespace, and then thedollapodcast.com, where you can get all your tour information. We are on tour now, or our tickets are on sale now. Yeah. They can find it all at thedollapodcast.com. So here's what you're going to do. You can go in, and you can check out how Squarespace works, and check out their templates.

Their templates are great. You can find the one that works for you, and you are going to go to squarespace.com.com slash dollop for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use the offer code dollop to save 10% on your first purchase of a website or domain. And a lot of people are asking if you have to do the 10-to-1 countdown when you launch your website, and I actually reached out to someone at Squarespace, and you do. Yes.

Yeah. You have to say lift off, and sorry. Right. That's in the terms of service. That's how... Yeah. It's in the terms. And Gareth, we're also brought to you in part by Mind Bloom.

Bro. My mind is blooming. Look, people have a hard time with depression and anxiety. Trying to find a therapist can be hard. People start exercising, they do a bunch of different stuff, change your diet. And sometimes you just need more. You need something like unlock your brain, a new way to think about and see the world. And that's why we're bringing up guided ketamine therapy from Mind Bloom.

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in our text conversation was like I was doing a Mind Bloom ad. I think I support it strongly. Yeah, ketamine therapy is, people find it very, very helpful. It really is. It's just like another great tool to try to attack whatever issues you feel like you're having. Like gas. Do they sign off on gasping?

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Yeah. Gareth, and I think that's your name. We the dollop are going on tour. We are going to be in San Jose on July 27th. We'll be in San Francisco on the 28th. We'll be in Sacramento on the 30th. And then August 1st, Boise Salt Lake on August 3rd, Boulder August 5th, Denver August 6th, Las Vegas August 9th, Phoenix August 10th, San Diego August 12th.

And Dave, this tour, we're actually trying to sell all those shows out. We always do. But if we don't do it this time, the Mafia is going to take our thumbs. So I don't know if I mentioned that to you, but I signed us up for the craziest tour deal. And if we don't sell most of those out, we're going to lose all of our thumbs. So all of them, yeah, and we'll have none. The dollop will be the first Thumbless Show. Also Dave, I'll be on the road doing stand-up comedy.

This coming April 12th, I will be at the Tacoma Comedy Club doing a Gareth's CrowdWorks Specialtecular. April 13th, Thursday, I'll be at the Spokane Comedy Club then April 14th and April 15th. I will be at Last Best Comedy in Bozeman, Montana May 5th. I'll be back here in some beautiful Los Angeles time, I lost track of that one. But I'll be at the Dynasty Typewriter May 5th, Friday, Los Angeles. May 18th, I'll be at Stand-Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona. Go to garethrenolds.com and then I'm really going to go fucking nuts in July.

July 7th, I'll be in Huntsville, July 8th, I'll also be in Huntsville, July 10th, I'll be in Nashville. July 12th, I'll be in New York, July 13th, I'll be in Stamford, Connecticut. July 15th, I'll be in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. July 18th, Buffalo, New York. July 20th, 21st, and 22nd, I'll be in Burlington, Vermont. And I'll also be in Syracuse at some point there. So go to garethrenolds.com for a ticket in formation.

1637. That's scary. You scare me. So not the date. I'm scared of you. Don't worry. Edward Gove. Is that the year of our lord or anything?

1637, year of our lord, J-town. What's up, J-town? He's a little jazzy. Sure. Kids love J-town. Kids. So many kids are being introduced to Jesus Christ because of what we have done on this podcast.

First of all, I'm not co-signing, calling Jesus J-town. We nicknamed him J-town. I did not have anything to do with it. Kids love it. I protested the whole way. Yeah. No, I'm totally against it. Edward Gove was born in London.

His father was John, his mother Mary. John was a brass dealer. Dave. Okay, fine, whatever. He's a brass guy. You're looking for a bit of brass, you're looking for a bit of brass, who's older? Yeah, I would like a little bit. Who's older?

Just a pinch. You want a pinch? You want a pinch? You're a fragment? What do you want? What are you looking for, mate? No, I'm just looking for a pinch. Cop a pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle.

Hello, governor! God, I'm sorry to do that around the cops. I thought that was the cop. The name Gove is actually a tradesman's surname. It's an old Cornish term for one who forges with a hammer in metal. So he found the right job. His last name was Gove, and so he was like, oh, there will be a Gove. I guess that's it.

Have you been working on your accent? No, I've just never really tried. Oh, because it's sounding very... I used to do it in English accent all the time in college. Do you have any tape of that? I hung out with British exchange students, and I would act like I was British also. To pick up on girls, work. Jesus, what a lying tree.

There is a bit of confusion. Yeah, oh, fuck yeah. We also had a, for a little period, we had a baby duckling, and baby ducklings would follow you around. And if you ever want to meet girls on a college campus, I recommend get a baby duckling. Stop talking. That's from everybody. There has been a confusion about how many times John was married, between one and three.

I think he was married once, but who knows. They had two boys, Edward and John, and a girl, Mary. So in, now obviously, England's, you know, they don't like the Puritans very much. These are of the kind. So John brought his two sons to America in 1642. And the daughter? She stayed with mom in England. Cool.

Cool. That's how you do it. Are you staying faithful through that? You think? I'm fucking all over it. Not you, duckling creep. I'm talking about this guy. You think this guy's like, you think you're hanging there?

I think they're so religious that I think that they, like they would instead, like, just start punching their dick. Is he whacking it? You think he's whacking it? He's whacking it. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I do with the duck?

He'd be quacking it. Go ahead. Jesus. It's good. This is the content people enjoy. John had to take out a loan of three pounds to pay for, to transport the two lads. So they lived in Charlestown, Massachusetts. He bought a house for 10 pounds.

Jesus Christ. Prices have gone up a little bit. Do you think? Because I'm trying to, like, think of what the market is now, but I don't know. In Charlestown, I bet it's a mill, right? I don't know. His wife and daughter, like I said, remained in England, and then he brought the rest of his family.

She was by whacking it. You think she was whacking it? Yeah, she was whacking it. Yeah, for sure. Flacking it. Flacking it. So he brought the rest of his family, the wife and the daughter, to America in 1647. And then immediately after that, he died.

Oh, God, so much to, sometimes it's hard to pin down to our main, yeah. It's a lot of stress, though. He had to make the trip, he had to buy a house, I mean, he was deaf. I bet you he died from dehydration from whacking. Yeah, houses are like 700,000 to a million, two million in Charlestown. Yeah, it's an expensive place. So they've got up a little bit. Right.

So in his will, in John's will, he gave away his daughter. I'm sorry? What did you? He gave, in the will, was like, yeah, he gave her away so someone else can have the daughter. Yeah. It's a weird. That's what you do. And to my loving daughter, Cordelia, I leave you to anyone who wants you.

You'll be taken. So my bike, I leave to my cousin, Randy. And then my shoe collection, I leave to be split between my sons and my daughter. I leave up whoever. How about you, Ross? Do you want her? Have her. She's yours.

If she's crying at this reading, please silence her. I could only imagine one would weep a bit from feeling like a possession rather than an entity. He put in the will that he gave her up with, quote, full consent of my wife. So they probably couldn't take care of her, like they probably couldn't. The mom. How old is she? She's young.

They probably knew once the dad. She's young. Like, I think seven to nine or something like in there. But I think that with John dead, they knew the mother wouldn't be able to take care of the girl. So it's quite a hypothetical to have to cross. You've got to. And what if I die?

Do you think you could do it? How? Probably not. All right. Well, up she goes, too, then. It sounds like they gave her to someone they knew. She was adopted by a deacon and then Ed and his brother, John, get 50 shillings each in the will.

Boy, the daughter really got the short end of the stick. Yeah, she did. And then the mom was given the house, but the house was to be sold to pay the two boys the 50 shillings and then any other debts they had. And then she could have the rest. OK. So she was probably going to have some money left over. But she was like, I don't need a daughter gunking up the life.

Like, wouldn't you do it in that order? Wouldn't you be like, all right, well, let's sell everything and then see what we have. Or even like the 50 shillings for the boys be like, well, let's put that towards raising the daughter. But it feels like they were kind of like, look, it's just not an option. Well, what's she going to do? She's totally pointless. Yeah.

We got to get her out of here. I think we cut her up and sell her parts. Yeah. You can get a lot for like a leg. Oh, yeah. Or a leg. Sure. I mean, I think maybe the Oregon's would be a better spot to start.

Yeah, we start with the leg. Do like an auction, leg auction. Looking for a leg, mate. Yeah. Quiet, quiet, copper, copper, copper, quiet, quiet. Oh, oh, oh. Hello, governor. Fuck, I always do that.

Yeah. Why are you doing what he should be saying? It's not. I don't. Fuck. Why you got a duck? What have you got a duck for? Don't.

Ignore the fucking duck. Why you got a duck though? It's creepy. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. What are you doing? Just.

Hello. We was over there. We saw you out of duck. Oh, Christ. Hello, birds. Oh, Christ. Birds and ducks. It's like a Christmas feast.

So, she gets remarried to John Manfield. She liked John's. So, now that we're barely into the story, and there's three John's already. In 1655, so this is eight years later, he sues his stepdad for debts owed by his father's estate. So, he had never been paid to 50 shillings. And he sues his stepdad, okay, sure. Because he's the guy, because he technically has the house because he married the, yeah,

the widow. Because she can't have it. Right. Right. That's why she probably had to sell it. Yeah. So, he had not been given his 50 shillings, but then Ed's brother John stepped in and said he would give him the 50 shillings if he would, you know, quote, neither he nor

I will ever trouble my father or mother for any debt or house from the beginning of the world to the same day and whereupon I have received a hog and piggy. Wait, that is literally in there? That's what is. What's the ending? Because I was sort of like, I got the gist of it. I've been accused of not listening, but that, what happened? So, neither he nor I will ever trouble my father or mother for any more debts or house

from the beginning of the world to the end of the same day and whereupon I have received a hog and piggy. So he's basically saying, we will leave you alone forever. I'm going to give him the 50 shillings and I just want one hog and in addition one piggy. When I get a hog and a pig, I will give up the 50 shillings. Not a pig. Piggy. Piggy.

Okay. Here. In 50s, 57. It's a great ransom. We're married. In 57, Edward married Hannah Partridge. They quickly had a kid, they, now he owned quite a bit of land and he kept buying land. In the spring of 1665, they moved to Hampton, New Hampshire, where he bought 100 acres.

Edward was known to be very blunt and had a, quote, forceful nature. The family book called him, quote, strenuous. If the family's writing a book, like an in-house book, and they're like, yeah, he's a bit of a stressful mother bugger. Should I put Dick here? Strenuous. Strenuous. Really?

Look, what can we say about it? The man loved a piggy. He loved a piggy. He was a good, he was a good, hey, unless, unless he didn't get what he wanted, which was mainly hogs and piggies. But when he got a hog and piggy. Oh boy. Happy as a clam.

Nice guy. Sweetheart. He had no problem fighting if he felt wronged, which led to appearances in court. Which led to appearances in court a few times for, quote, forceful language and personal assault. Okay. In 1673, he was fined for abusing and calling a man a thief. And that was the guy he bought his land from.

Okay. So Europeans had started arriving in the area that would become New Hampshire in the 1620s. First, it was part of Massachusetts and the area on Portsmouth was founded by British investors in 1629. Captain John Mason, this is our fifth John, fourth John, Captain John Mason had the patent. Now the patent is when you get the land from the king. Right? Okay.

That's what they called it. And this was unoccupied land. Well, there were people living there, natives people. And okay, and so, and that was just sort of, right. Okay. Well, so if I'm living in a house and then someone comes in and says, so the king gave me this house. Sure.

That's their house. And then it's their house. Right. You don't matter. Because there's a guy I've never heard of who thinks he's the magical best person. Yeah. It's just like it was a race to who's a dick. Yeah.

Right. Oh, you don't understand, J-Town has sent me, so this is now mine, do you understand? So he has the patent. He names it New Jersey, and New Hampshire, New Jersey. New Jersey would be great. His idea was to turn New Hampshire into like a feudal kingdom. Okay. Great.

He's the lord. Great. He'd own land and everyone living on the land would have to pay him rent. Fucking beautiful. I love it. That's the plan. What's the problem with that? It's a great, it's a great plan.

Now John Mason never went to America and died in 1635, so he never saw his plan. He never saw his colony. He never got to see his plan happen. All the investors who would put money in then bailed. So at that point, the colonists and Mason's employees just took whatever land they wanted and started farming it or fishing or trading with Native Americans, whatever they did. So they just took the land because they're like, well, the guy that said he owned it is dead.

It's even more different than someone walking into your house and being like, hey, the king told me I could have this. That person just never showed up. So it's just like your land was never came. Okay. He said employees to take care of stuff, but he personally was never there. Right. Isn't that sad to die before you get to see your own colony?

Oh my God, especially, I mean, with like, part of the fun is watching the tears stream down the faces of those you're wronging. Yeah, it really is. Oh, and the genocide. Oh, come on. Watching them sniff the blankets. Come on. Oh, that's the secret sauce, my baby.

That's right. So obviously more and more Puritans that arrived around this time, about 20,000 in Massachusetts. Should we start calling them the J-Towners? Yeah, we could, but there are two different J-Towners. I mean, the Church England are also J-Towners. They're all J-Towners. The Puritans are a little more J-Town-y, aren't they? They're super J-Town, for sure.

I think they're the real J-Towners. So these Puritans took over the four. New Hampshire was just four coastal towns, basically, Portsmouth, Exeter, Hampton, Dover. So they took over those because there were so many of them. That's pretty much all New Hampshire was, was those four. While all that's going on, things are getting pretty bug-fucking England. So King Charles I had his head cut off in 1649 by the Puritan Oliver Cromwell. Where did he die from?

Uh, Scurvy. In 1652, one of Mason's relatives tries to re-establish control of New Hampshire. And he tried to do this by suing a settler for occupying his land. Is this spelled S-I-R-U-X? Sock. Sue. Okay. And, uh, he, uh, he wins.

But the guy's not, the guy's like, I'm not paying you fucking rent. I live here. This is my land. And then it, then... Is rent, is rent a, is rent a thing at this point? Yeah. We'll get to that. Okay.

Um, and, uh, so then, but then it turns out the guy's land isn't in New Hampshire. It's in Massachusetts. So the whole thing fell apart. And Mason had, Mason then leaves. He was there for three months and he's like, I can't, or I can't. If someone would tell me where the state ends, this is embarrassing. So the monarchy gets put back in power in England in 1660 and Charles II is in charge. This guy's got a head.

He's got, he's full headed. He obviously doesn't like the Puritans because they cut the, they cut the head off his dad. Okay. Jesus. Get over it. And, you know, how they feel, he felt about them is bad. And so he didn't like them. He doesn't like the Puritans running New England.

And in 1679, Charles II declares that New Hampshire no longer belongs to Massachusetts and now is a royal province. So he separates New Hampshire and Massachusetts. Interesting. So if you went to New Hampshire, you were in England. I mean, yeah, it's under, yeah. It's essentially, it's a royal, yeah, it's under the royal rule. So that means it's subject, it's subject to the laws of the Church of England.

So it's basically being governed as like an independent province under the crown. So with this new royal decision, another Mason pops up, Robert Mason, and he decides he's going to try and enforce the land claim. And his plan is to establish a fiefdom, right? He wants the same thing. They're all, this Mason, they're still just trying to get New Hampshire, they're still just like New Hampshire's ours. This is the third Mason.

Right. Yeah. Third Mason trying. Second that's seen it. Second that's really tried to do it. But they are, they're just now like, they're showing up every like 10 years like, hey, this is ours. What's your deal?

Yeah, basically. Right. Okay. So it's, it's like 50 years since the first guy got the patent, so people have been living there. It's like a bill collector. They're like, fuck off. Or like, no, we're done.

So he's going to enforce the land claim. He's a pretty good politician, so he plays the royal court pretty well. And he has to get the king to approve for him to be running it. So his claim to the land, his claim to the land is pretty shaky at this point. It's been so long. But he did have on his side that he, he would share the profits with the crown, which is obviously the crown will be into that. So that's like a given.

So he doesn't really push that argument. He instead said New Hampshire could be a fortress of the king's authority against the other column. I like that. Sort of like Superman. Like I'll live in here like it's my krypton, a bit of a fortress where I wear a cape and I have a boy and I'll have my wife and maybe a couple of wives. It will be very light and bright and christly.

And I'll sit here in my little fortress and if things get sticky or hairy, I'll put my boy in a little eggy tube and shoot him off to potentially another world, something like Mars or two seats or kinetsukets or one of those ones. But regardless, aesthetically, I'll be living inside of a bunch of christly tubies and very shiny, transparent and, you know, something of that nature is that we're all basically pitching. Did you see, did you see two wives? Minimum, I'll have two wives.

That's not what we do. Oh, but yes, but in my fortress, there's no laws. It'll be quite different. We'll have a whole of glory as well, a simple circle where I may put my member at some point and it'll either be yanked or sucked, depending on the day or the hand or the mouth or the anus that might be behind it and or you could be another orifice potentially. For sure. It doesn't have to be an anus, but in my fortress of solitude, it is my sort of bastion away

from the laws and the regulations of the church at this point. You understand? It'll be very christly. Aesthetically, I think it'll be a very shiny, sort of... What does this have to do with a church? You said fortress. You said fortress. I'm pitching on that.

So I'll be in the fortress and I'll have my... You're a religious man. I'm very aware of who I am. Very religious. But in my fortress... There's nothing that you're saying. We'll be carving out... Look, my fortress will look like heaven.

So I'll be able to do all the things that I like to do, whether it's... You think there's glory holes in heaven? I don't... It's a whole of glory, first of all. And I don't know. I mean, it might be and maybe it's... The point is, I'll put what I want in there and it'll be dealt with by whoever's working the other side.

Could be mouth, could be anus, could be hand. But a man, doesn't have to be anus, could be vaginal, doesn't have to be, could be anus. The point is, aesthetically, it'll be quite a christly show. And we'll need to put some sort of padding in the hole because otherwise the very christly area... And again, I could send my boy off if there's problems or earthquake or fire. Gosh, look at that over there. Doesn't that look like an old man in the mountain?

That's strange. Look at that, eh? There you go. We're wondering how you're going to end that. So... Right, so by fortress, he means like... I know what he means. He means an area where I...

No, no, no. A place that could be like the king's place. His true representative, as opposed to the other theocracies that are there, quote, mischief and miseries have befallen those colonies by reason of a divided and disjointed government. So it makes the point that without one general governor, all of New England could be taken by an invasion. New Hampshire would be the first step in establishing royal control of all New England and then eventually all of America.

And so the crown's like, okay, that sounds pretty good. Okay. So, New Hampshire is going to be a classic old school public-private partnership colonialism thing. Mason named himself Lord Proprietor of New Hampshire. I can't believe it kind of worked. Like, you show up there and it's like they already own it, but you walk away and you're like, that went pretty good.

They like bought it. You know, he also agrees to give the king a bigger cut than normal, 20%. So he can now legally charge what is known at the time as quit rent, which we call rent now, but it was called quit rent. Okay. But to do that, he needs to convince all the New Hampshireites to acknowledge him as their landlord. Right.

Right. And so to do that, he was going to argue that they're getting a government in return and the crown would be the government and there'd be a governor appointed by the king and a seven-man council and an 11-man elected assembly by the court. If I live on land and someone comes in and is like, you got to pay me now, I'd be like, fuck off. I don't care what he's pitching. Yeah.

That's right. That's exactly what you would do. Hey, you know how you've been living here for 50 years? Yeah. Yes. Now I want you to pay rent. So now you give me money and then someone owns it. Kind of.

Huh? Good deal for you. And you get leaders. Yeah. You're going to get a guy who will charge you tickets for not moving your car on street cleaning. You know what I mean? It's pretty good.

So the biggest hiccup, obviously, in this plan is, as we were talking about, is trying to convince people who already believe they own the land to give up rent for the land. Turns out not a lot of people go for it. I can't imagine someone being like, yeah, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I guess. Well, a few people did.

I know. Some people don't believe it. All right. Yeah. I'll pay you for sure. That's pretty good. What did that man want, honey? Well, it turns out we're going to have to pay to live here now, and then there's a bunch

of, I forget what he said, but now we owe him money for living here, okay? But we're going to have zoning. Well, we get zoning. We're going to get a slide. Yeah, so it doesn't, it doesn't, it's definitely problematic for the people. They're not going for it. But to make it even more difficult, the commission that had established the royal government in 1679 gave power to some big landowners.

So it's, it's like there were big landowners. I assume the big landowners were doing business and helping the crown. Right. So they gave them a little bit of power. Two of those guys were Richard Waldron and John Gilman. They're also councilmen. So they refused to pay rent for their huge plots of land. And so Mason then tells the crown that they were making illegal statements about the king

and he kicks them off the council. Okay. Nice. So he's, yeah, he's tactical. And then the council accuses him of quote, you supercon over his majesty's authority. So taking control without having the right to. Right. They're like, you're full of shit.

Right. Right. They're like, you don't fucking have the power to do this. We talked to the king. So basically both Mason and the council are okay with the king having control, but they thought they were the king's representative. So the council thinks we're the king's representatives and Mason's like, no, I'm the king's representative. And the king's just like, when's this fortress going to be ready?

I swear I can't wait to get over there. I mean, they just thought Mason had absolutely no right to the land because he also just popped up out of nowhere. Right. So the head of the, the head of the council at this point is a guy named John cut, which because all this is happening, he becomes governor because he's the head of the council. Okay. He's just, he's a rich dude who's been in the colonies since like 1646.

Now in late 1680, there is a comet, a comet in the night sky, a comet for about three or four months, I think it's just going over a comet going over the colonies for three or four months, a colony, a comet's travel slow sometimes they just cruise along. And you make an image. This is made up. No, it's real. Okay. And now I'm starting to get, oh, that could have been super obviously it could have been.

Obviously a comet in this guy means God's not happy. Yep. We all know that. Yep. We all know. Yeah. We all know that. Yeah.

I didn't know they went for that long, but I mean, that's just because I didn't know God could get so furious. Yeah. No, he's really mad. So then governor cut becomes ill. So everyone's really worried. That's another bad sign. So to appease God, the council and the assembly designate March 17th, a day of public fasting

and prayer. So you can't go to work, you can't do anything, you can only pray and fast. If you don't, you get fined. It's pretty amazing to think that God is four month comet angry and you're like, let's give him a day. Yeah, let's not eat. We'll take one day off where we don't eat and we just pray. See what that does to this silly spite comet.

Oh, he's going to love it. So cut dies 10 days later. Okay. Now Waldron becomes the new interim mayor. Mason arrives in January 1681 to convince his tenants to become tenants, right? And the council is getting more annoyed that Mason keeps saying that he owns New Hampshire. So Mason then forbids people from cutting down trees for fuel. And he says he's going to sell their property.

So he's escalating dramatically like people are like, yeah, I'm not going to pay you to like live on my land. And he's like, all right, well, then you can't make fires. And then I'm just going to actually sell it. And everyone's like, wait, what? He's like, yeah, that's kind of how I'm going to roll. So no, you can't. It's my stuff.

Listen, all I'm telling you is do you want to pay me rent? Do you want to give me some money? No. To stay here? I'm not paying you rent. Okay. Then no more fires off of the wood on your land. My land.

Sorry. And then we're going to sell it. It's my land. It's our land. So what? This land is my land. No, this land's not your land. I'm serious.

You're laughing. But I'm telling you this. I know. But I'm telling you. It's like a song. Shut. This land is my land. First of all, it's not your land.

This land is my land. It's certainly not your land. This land is my land. This land is your land. No. This land is my land. This land's. Well, first of all, it's not even necessarily my land.

If you pay me rent, then this land is your land. If you don't, then this land is my land. Okay. It's all my land. I don't know who the fuck you are. I'm Mason. And if you don't, this land is about to be my land. This land's not your land.

California. Sorry. Sorry. I don't know what happened. What's up, everybody? This is Gareth, not Gary from the Dala Podcast. The show you're about to listen to. Listen, I would love to invite you to see some stand-up comedy I'm doing on the road.

I'm all over this great nation of ours. Be part of the Gareth Army or the Garmy, as everyone's calling it. Everyone's calling it that. Don't look it up, but everyone's calling it that. Monday, March 13th, I'll be in Fort Wayne, Indiana. March 14th, I'll be in Indianapolis. March 15th, Louisville, Kentucky. March 16th, Columbus, Ohio.

March 17th, Dayton, Ohio. March 18th, I have two shows in Perrysburg, Ohio. March 19th, I'll be in Cleveland, Ohio. March 21st, Lexington, Kentucky. March 22nd, I will be in St. Louis. March 23rd, I'll be in Kansas City. March 24th and 25th, I'll be in Des Moines, Iowa. March 26th, I'll be in Omaha.

And April 12th, I'm very excited to say, I'll be in Tacoma, but I will be doing a crowd work show. I'll be filming it, so I really want people to come out to that. That's April 12th, which is a Wednesday, Tacoma Comedy Club, Washington. Come on out. Then April 13th, back to regular stand up at the Spokane Comedy Club. And then April 14th and April 15th, I'll be in Bozeman, Montana at Last Best Comedy. Also Los Angeles, my home city, kind of, whatever.

May 5th, Friday, I'll be at the Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles. Then May 18th, I'll be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona. More shows coming, like July 12th and July 13th, I'll be at the New York Comedy Club. One's in New York, one's in Connecticut. It's wild. Then I'll be in Pittsburgh, July 15th. And that's all for now. Go to garethrenalds.com to get tickets and information.

And join me. Be part of the Garmy. Everyone's calling it that. Quit pushing back. So, obviously, people are not into that. This causes everyone to unite against him. The council outlaws Mason's proceedings and everyone refused to pay rent. So everyone, it's like a...

So it worked. It went great. It's a rent strike for a place you shouldn't be paying rent. Right. On March 27th, after three months of failure, Mason sails back to England. Nice. Now, Edward Cranfield was made governor by the crowd. And he was a military man in the Queen's household.

I don't know what the fuck that means. Yeah, what does that even mean? He's like a... He's like a... Permission to put one lump in your tea, mrs. Yes. One lump. Permission to drop another lump in there, mrs.

Yes. Yes. Permission to drop a third lump inside of your tea, my queen. Yes. All right. My queen, permission to drop a fourth lump inside of your cup of tea, please. No! Off with his hand!

Oh, Christ. J-Town, I mean. So, he's... Yeah, whatever that means. So some believe Mason got Cranfield appointed believing he would support his claim to New Hampshire. So this dude is... I mean, these Masons are just not letting it go.

And Mason's not letting it go. So he's gonna... Since he's the guy who has the patent now, he pays Cranfield 150 pounds for his salary. So Cranfield arrives in October 1662. But then he doesn't actually have Mason's back. He's just like an arbiter between Mason and the colonists. He tells the crown that Mason exaggerated the colony's wealth, and they're actually not doing well at all.

And if Mason got all the land and they had to pay rent, they would have nowhere to graze their livestock. Okay. So, he puts Waldron and Gilman back on the council, and the council then offers to pay Cranfield a salary of 250 pounds. So 100 more. And so he takes it. He's like, yeah, I'll take the extra money.

That's one money. Yeah. What? Now, Cranfield starts to run into problems pretty quick. A Scottish ship, it turns out, is trading with the colony, which is not allowed to do. Why are we not... So he brings the... Excuse me.

May I jump in quickly with a question? Uh-huh. Why are we not allowed to do that? Why are we not allowed to trade? Well, all we do... We do... We only do it with England. You're not...

But we're basically... I mean, we've got... No. Nobody's got... You're not... What, you're going to buy an English bagpipe? No. You think about all the beautiful Scottish exports.

We don't want that. Nobody wants bagpipes. Nobody wants... That's a terrible... Allow me to pitch you on some of the beautiful Scottish exports. Absolutely. All you have is like knives to stab people. Absolutely.

Beautiful knives. Knives that you can go right through a can of aluminium, ginsu-level blades. Wow. But on top of that, top of the line bagpipes, with the most beautiful instrument known to man, right here, let me pitch you on the bagpipe quickly. Now a lot of people say that they love the sound of the bagpipe, but what's amazing about the bagpipe is, what you're hearing, I played 25 minutes ago. So this is a time-traveling musician.

You know, it's a musical instrument with time-traveling both. It sounds like you're squeezing a cat. It sounds like you're squeezing a cat. All right, well, not for you. What about kilt, basically the man scout? It's cold. It's the East Coast. Yeah, but as you put hair on your testicles, with the kilt, you will evolve and you'll

get a hairy nut bush. I already have one. All right. What about a delicious meal of intestines? God's spaghetti. Yes. Nature's spaghetti. All right.

Well, that's all I'm saying. We've got a lot to offer. And the good thing is, if you said no to that, there was only one left, which was a lug for tossing. Oh. And I don't mean your tajari. Oh. You people are horrible.

Yeah, but not doing great. So he brings the ship's master up on charges, but the ship's master belonged to a church in Portsmouth, so no jury will convict him. Okay. And then the assembly refused to pass any of Cranfield's bills. So Cranfield's getting irritated with the colonists. They refuse to pay Mason rent and pass his revenue bills. So Cranfield dissolves the assembly and counsel.

Okay. So that's going great. And this is a pro-Mason move. Yeah. Yeah. Mason's happy about this. Right. Okay.

So historian Nathaniel Adams wrote that Cranfield had a temper and was, quote, easily excited by opposition. He was also vindictive and would seek revenge on anyone who disagreed with him, quote, the arbitrary manner in which he exercised his authority had a tendency to render him very unpopular. Okay. So he's a dick. Adams also said he hired pimps and spies to dig up dirt on people.

Nice. That I don't know. I can see spies, but pimps. Come on, man. Or maybe pimps meant something different. Yeah. For sure. What did it mean?

I don't know. It's so weird. Look. You looking for something? Yeah. Yeah. I'm looking for something. Yeah.

You looking for some musical instruments? I'm looking for chickens. I'm looking for a musical instrument, actually. No. I'm looking. I want chickens. Oh. In corn.

What about some guts that have pudding and something like that? No. I want, I just want, I know, I just want chicken and corn. Fertile chickens. You looking to confirm. In corn. I need corn. Maze, if you don't know what I'm saying.

Maze. Well, listen, Maze. I've got what you need right here. Oh, look at this. What? This. That's not Maze. What?

It's a scrotum. Look how hairy it is. Okay. I don't want, I don't. That's nature working its course. I, I can't eat that. You know what we call that? I can't eat that.

I can't cook that. I can't plant it. Pollock moss. Can I plant? Can I plant this one? It's like a moss. Look at that. What am I going to do with a moss?

She just keeps you warm so you can wear this. I can't eat moss. You can wear this. I'm not going to eat moss. Look at this. It's good by pants. Hello, this. Look at that.

Not lovely. What is it? That's just, it's a, it's a, it's an option instead of trousers. It's a man's skirt. Okay. And look, you got your little pouch up here where you can put your things. Like your little. You shouldn't be here.

You're not supposed to trade with us. Now I know why. I thought, I thought he didn't want you trading because you guys would take the profits of English people, but it's actually turns out that your scrotum holders and man dressed people. I don't. Hey. Listen.

Why do you have hairy scrotums? You have a whole basket of them? Because nature's working. Nature's. This is life finds a way. It's not what that is. This is life finds a way. Kind of shit, mate.

Jesus Christ, man. J-Town. So he, he can't convict, obviously, the Scottish guy because he's, he's part of the churches. So he's getting really mad at, at, at the colonists. He's obviously, he's obviously a temperamental, you describe him like he's, he's fine if everything's going well, but as soon as things aren't, he loses his shit. That, that is not the true test of a dick is what are things like when they're going badly or like, what about under duress?

How are you? You know? Like if some of the stuff's going good, it's like, yeah, it's easy to be a nice person. Right. Yeah. True. So he now views what was happening in New Hampshire differently. He didn't see it as a fight between two royalist groups over land, but a battle between the

king and his enemies. Okay. Wow. So he goes to Boston because he thinks his life is in danger in New Hampshire. Sure. Boston, of course, home to Harvard, where the rich learned to become ministers. Right. Now, Cranfield came of age during the civil wars and during the civil wars in England,

it was conspiracies all over the place. Right? Imagine. So he has a conspiratorial mind and he now becomes convinced, talking to some people in Boston, that there is a murderous Puritan plot afoot, quote, a grand combination made up of church members of congregational assemblies throughout all the colonies of New England. Okay. So they knew England-wide Puritan conspiracy to take out the king.

They want to overthrow the king and, quote, hand over America to Charles' enemies. Okay. Sure. And this is just based on conspiracies that he's... Yeah, it's all conspiracies. He's QAnon. Okay. Yeah.

I mean, they don't like the king, but that doesn't mean they're trying to overthrow England at the same time. Cranfield called them, quote, rebellious Trumpeters who spread sedition. Okay. You said Trumpers, right? He asked for Trumpeters. He asked for permission to go after the preachers. Oh, man.

He claimed they were riling up congregants against the king. While the preachers were gone, he said, there would be absolutely no order in New England. So he wants permission to replace Harvard's faculty with Orthodox preachers from England. It's just... That swap is amazing. To be like, these religious kooks, do you have any idea what we need are some English preachers? That's what we need to get in here.

The level-headed... We better religious kooks. Yeah, they don't think crazy shit. So the king doesn't go for it. Cranfield also sees the colonies as just like a garbage dump of the worst people. Imagine. The worst of England, the worst of Scotland. Imagine.

Decenters. Right. Yeah. Negative, yeah. So he requests that the king send a permanent military presence, a frigate, to defend the area from foreign and domestic enemies. Sure. So he wants a ship there that's gonna have soldiers on it that's gonna go out and kill

domestic enemies. Yeah, perfect. He's not really grounded. So... Well, most ships aren't. Now he orders a colony-wide fast on January 30th, 1683 to commemorate the execution of Charles I by Puritans 34 years earlier. Okay.

So because he can't eat, neither can you for a day. And then... Okay. Yeah. And the Puritans are pro-beheading the king, like that was great. Right. So yeah. Don't eat because of the king up ahead of them.

They're like, no, we like that. Yeah, that's good. The insult doesn't go over very well. Oh. Some... Some now decide the new government is illegitimate and that there was a plot to form a Papist government. So...

Now, he's not... They're not... The Church of England isn't... This is how fucked up... This is like conspiracy-conspiracy now. Right. Because there's no truth to what they think he's doing, which is based on no truth to what he's accusing them of, right?

Right. He's just kind of eluded it. So instead of saying... Instead of saying which is true, they want the Church of England to take over. They go to their, I guess, more enemy. I don't know what it is, but they're like, no, it's Catholics. Right. Fucking Catholics, man.

Right. So, Crenfield decided to ensure that the Church of England followers were not being discriminated against. So he's got a way to see. So he tells the reverend, Joshua Moody, that he... Not now. Moom. Come back later.

Moom. Oh, Jesus. Why did we pick this guy? Oh, gosh. Come in. Fine. What do you need to talk to me about? Me and my wife...

I'm so tired. I'm hungry now. I would like some food, please. Well, I was doing... I'm horny. I was talking to you. Enough. Enough.

Sick of this. When's your birthday? It's... In October. What you want? Seventh. I would like a firetruck. Oh, I hate people who think of things as so strange.

I'm tired. Leave me be... Okay, bread. Leave me be... Are you sleeping? Yes, quite. Oh, puppies. Sometimes I feel alone up here on my own.

Yes. Fuck. Yes, yes. Come on. I didn't know you were dead a piece ago. Sorry. Gosh. I just missed my mum.

God, it's just so difficult. Oh, gosh. I've really gone through the swings today, haven't I? So he says, he tells Moody that he's going to come get communion, but Puritan rules do not allow for a Puritan reverend to give communion to a Church of England follower. Yeah. Good Lord. Seriously, good Lord.

Moody refuses. And then Cranfield bans Moody from the pulpit and puts him in jail. Sure. Okay. It's just God wars. Moody is supposed to if a God doesn't give you... The God wars. Yeah.

Yeah. If someone doesn't give you a Christ wafer, what are you going to do? Yeah. Of course, that backfires because it makes, right, the reverend's a persecuted Puritan. It's what they always want. Right. They're always victims. Right.

And he's, you know, writing letters and telling everybody, you know, what's going on and I'm a victim and blah, blah, blah. And then all the other ministers flee New Hampshire. So now there's no religious services happening. Awesome. In New Hampshire. Oh. Which falls right into the, oh, the oppressive government, persecuting our religion thing.

Right? Mm-hmm. It's all, it's just like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Right. It's a PR disaster. Right. Now, Cranfield now orders everyone to accept the leases from Mason within a month. He's like, he got a month to sign and agree to the leases that this guy owns your land.

And that isn't definitely not helping the theory that this is a kind of hostile takeover. Yeah. Right. Not at all. Yeah. So no one signs. Weird. The people are like, why don't you put the matter before the king?

Ask of the king. We haven't heard about the king. Make the king rule on this. He refuses. Instead, Cranfield sues the settlers. Nice. And he picks the judge and the jury. Nice.

It's pretty good. Smart. Of course, he picked, he picks a judge and people who support Mason. Right. So the first guy that is sued is Waldron. And in court, he's arrested because he uses seditious language in court. Okay. He's arrested right there.

Yeah. I mean, he's basically like, what the fuck are you talking about? This isn't yours. And people are like, sedition, sedition. Well, basically he said, he said the jury is fixed. They're all Mason people. And that's what the seditious. And the judge too.

And the judge is like, I won't hear of this. He's going to jail. And now he's bringing more and more people in front of the court. He's really worried that people are going to take revenge on him and kill him. Now, our old friend, Ed Grove. Oh, wow. Sorry. Our old friend, Ed Gove.

He's still around. Wow. He's one of those who is a big landowner and he's done with Cranfield. He just cannot deal with Cranfield anymore. Edward is a member of the assembly and a lieutenant in the Hampton militia. And as we also recall, Gove has a temper. So he has to appear in court due to his use of foul language and accusing a neighbor of stealing from him.

Now Gove believes it's time to defend the colonists from Mason and Cranfield. He's like, we got to take this to the next level. And he's saying it's time to revolt. Quote, to revolutionize the government or at least to affect reform. Great. So he's like, we got to use violence. We need a government. He's also very concerned New Hampshire is going to fall under the rule of Catholicism.

So he basically believes his own conspiracy theory that Cranfield is actually a Catholic plant who's there to take away their liberties and impose Catholic rule. So he's like, you guys sound crazy. The crazy thing about this is like, you already have the Church of England is trying to do that. Why are you, why are you making it about the people you got to dig? It's never, you know, it's got to be something more to it. I mean, neither side, there's two sides and they're both just full of shit.

If you can imagine living in a country with those two sides, they're full of shit. So Gove believes that people are going to join him once he starts because he knows how everybody feels about Cranfield and Mason. He's been living there for ages. He knows everybody and they all talk shit about him. So he tells them, quote, his sword is drawn and that he would not lay it down until he knew who should hold the government. Right?

So he's, Gove is going in. Now Cranfield hears what's going on and he sends messengers with warrants to arrest Gove and he orders the militia to be on the ready. He decided to take men and quote, sorry, Gove decided to take men and quote, stand against the governor. It sounds like he did this at night one night because other local leaders are against it, but Gove was drunk and decided this was the time to go for it. But this is such an important moment.

We got to get. Why get loud before the big, the big show? It's like a lot of, a lot of people got to get drunk to hit on a lady or whatever. It's the same thing. Well, not everybody has a pocket to check. Yeah. True. You know what I mean?

So he, he convinces his son and his servant to go with him and some others. Gove assumed once he's arrested, you guys got to come up, trust me, I got a good plan. We should go together. We could go as a big group. My son's coming. My servants coming. And then you guys should come, you guys should come with, come with me too. We're going to overthrow the fucking government to night.

Who wants to run? No, I know. Who wants to shut her up? Let's, let's sleep on this. No, I can't. I can't. They're coming. They're coming.

They're coming tonight. So we got no option. It's now or never. No, I don't think. It's time to, it's time to sit or shit off the pot. You got to make a move. Okay. I just think we should sleep on it and there's no sleeping.

There's no sleeping. We're going to make a move now. I feel like, I feel like the pub isn't a great place. The pub is the best place. This is the best place. Who wants some potatoes? We'll get some potatoes or get a round of potatoes. I would, I would like potatoes.

Get some ranch. All right. And we can just go nuts. But then tonight's the night because there's no other night that's going to be as big as tonight. I'm a hemorrhage, I feel real good. Let's just, let's just put you. The song was a lot.

You want some coffee? The song was too much. I admit that now. Do you want to lie down? Do you want to lie down? I'd like to lie down while I'm standing up. Let's do this right for the first time. Okay.

Think about your grandchildren. I'm going home. Think about your grandchildren. I'm going. I, I, yeah, they're fine. I'm going home. I'll come with you. No.

We should nap. So, uh, so he, he really thinks that he'll, he'll go down there. And when he gets arrested, then everyone also rise up because of the injustice. Right. Right. Like that's, I think that's sort of the plan. So, um, on January 27th, 1683, Gove and 12 armed men rode from Exeter to Hampton. And he's drunk.

They were armed with their armed with swords, pistols and guns, quote, one man blowing a horn and the others calling for their neighbors to come out and join them in rising up against the tyranny. And Gove is drunk. Gove is drunk. And, and no one comes. Come on. Where are you?

Pussies. No one joins this rebellion. What is with everybody? Play the horn again, Al, there you go. By the way, you sort of said you were better at that than you really are. You said you knew five songs. Beautiful. That is some good shit.

You hear this? You're hearing this stuff? We don't want to overfill our government. Uh, I should tell you, my name is Chuck Manjoni. Chuck Manjoni, the pasta king? So, um, no, like I said, no one comes out, uh, and people who knew him just, they thought it was just another one of Gove's freakouts. I guess that's the thing he did.

And, and it sounds like the 12 men that are with him are actually just teenage boys. Cool. So this is a cool little gang he's got together. Yeah. So, uh, to Cranfield, the, this, this is treason, what he's doing. So he has, so he gets to town and there's no one rising up and he basically just immediately turns himself in. So he has them all, he has them all arrested and put in jail, uh, and Gove, Gove's neighbor

is trying to explain to the court that for, for Edward, this type of behavior, it's not really unusual. He's always trying to overthrow the government truck with a guy who has a horn. And it's not all the difficult to control, um, a neighbor quote, Edward Gove was some years since in a strange distemper, seemingly lunatic. So he's kind of off his rocker quite a bit. And there was no real damage done, so let him go. Yeah.

And it sounds like the way they're saying, he does this. It's like, no, it gets drunk and he, it gets drunk, he tries to start his own country. It happens often. He's always doing that. Um, so like I said, there's no demonstration. No one gathers. Like he thinks people are going to gather, um, oh, the only guy who got away quote, except the trumpeter who escaped.

Love it. I hope he was blowing at the whole time. Yeah. They were like, God, he's around here. Hear him. He's out of breath. So they're put, they're put in irons in the prison. The next day they're brought before the governor and the council, uh, Gove doesn't deny anything.

And he admits he quote, did sound the trumpet or caused it to be sounded as his own. And he did dry his sword because it was his own. So what's, what's the scene like outside of the courtroom where people, there's everybody lighting stuff on fire. There's no one there. There's gotta be. Tumbleweed. No.

There's no one there. No one. Where's the trumpet guy? He ran into the woods. We can just hear the trumpet out there. Guys, that guy's the hero is the pasta king, you know, that guy's the pasta king. Yeah. No, I, I heard that.

Um, he now, now Gove says the, the governor is not a judge, but a pretender and a traitor to the king. So Cranfield orders a trial, um, in Portsmouth and he picks Richard Walden to be the judge. The day before the trial, depositions arrive, uh, to Cranfield, John Stevens declared quote that Edward Gove was some years since in a strange distemper seemingly lunatic and did attempt to kill the wife of George Martin saying that she bewitched him and did to that end discharge his pistol. Okay.

So look, can we just, okay, can we just talk for a second about how a man cannot try to shoot another man's witch wife without a blowback and shoot a witch? You can shoot a witch. Thank you. It's totally legal. Yeah. Like I think you, I think witch shooting is super okay. Yeah.

Now, was she a witch? I guess it'd be the question. Yeah, she was. I told you she was. I think no, is she's just, it's just Sally, like she was, no, it's just Sally. No woman makes a salad that garbage. That was witch leaves. That's not, that's not witchcraft.

That's not, that's salad was absolute cranberries in a salad. She's a witch. It's just a flavor thing. She's a witch. I don't like avocados, but if they're in a salad, I don't accuse the person of being a witch. Well, yeah, avocados are delicious. So it's obviously not a witch.

I'm talking about cranberries in a salad. She was a witch. That's why I shot at her, tried to kill her. And by the way, can I point out that she didn't die? Very witchy. If you ask me. She didn't. She did not die.

She did not die. She lived. So the court of Hampton ordered that he should be committed into safe custody to prevent his doing hurt to himself or others. So after he tried to shoot. A witch. The witch lady. Yeah.

And then they were like, you got to, someone's got to watch out. They were like, look, hey, we're going to, we've allocated all these funds to work on your mental health because you're a danger to yourself and those around you. So instead of just throwing you into a system that'll just stoke the violence and give you more mental health issues, we're going to put you somewhere where you'll get proper care and you'll be tended to in a way that is, dare I say, empathetic and will hopefully lead towards at some point, you being rehabilitated in some capacity and then maybe you can get back out in the real world.

Until then, no more witch shooting, but here's a lovely cotton three hots. Can I strangle a witch? Just go to the camp first and then when you come out, we'll talk. So he was sent, the custody is that he was sent to live with John Stevens, who said sometimes he had to lock Ed in a room and quote, sometimes he would take a book and read an hour or two. Sometimes he would be more like a madman. So do you want to read a book tonight or should we kill that witch wife?

Ed. Ed. Ed. Ed. That's it. Lock his door. Ed. He's wolf man and he's doing the wolf man.

You're a good boy. You're just misunderstood. I'm kidding. I just want to read the book. I just want to read this book. It feels like every time you do that, you come out and you try to shoot a witch. I was just joking. I don't want to shoot one.

Keep it locked for now. Not shoot her. Yeah. It sounds like you're going to shoot. All right. Well, my wife made a salad with cranberries in it. Do you want to come out of there tonight? I'm going to put a knife in her belly.

Keep the door locked. We'll talk to you tomorrow, Ed. So the local minister recommends that Ed shouldn't be allowed to read because that must be what's making him mad. Absolutely. Well, maybe pick the books. Is that a little bit more helpful, maybe? No, I think it's just reading.

The words, the words make him act of reading. Stephen said many would testify Gove often had to be tied up hands and feet to keep him from hurting himself or others. So at the trial, Henry Green testified that he saw Gove with a trumpet and men who were armed and Gove testified that all the witnesses who said he led armed men and ordered the trumpet blown were right. He then railed about Governor Cranfield calling him a traitor. And then it went to jury deliberation and they found him guilty and all the men guilty.

Yeah, he was pretty, I mean, he didn't really push back too hard. Now, his basic, his defense was basically like, well, I should be able to, this guy's terrible. Yeah, right. So I should be able to have done that. Right. He's looking for jury notification, I guess. Right.

So Walden, the judge, Walden weeps as he gives Gove his sentence, quote, you shall be drawn on a hedge to the place of execution. And there you shall be hanged by your neck and yet living cut down and cast on the ground. And your bowels shall be taken out of your belly and your privy members, your privy members cut off and burnt while you are yet alive. What? Your head shall be cut off, your body divided into four parts and your head and quarters shall be placed where the sovereign Lord, the King pleases, pleases to a point.

Wait, okay. Sorry. This is like, first of all, the fact that he's weeping, like he's in charge of this, right? I think he's in charge, but I think he did not write that. Okay. So someone handed him like a crazy like, like execution recipe. I think Cranfield.

The plan is to hang him. First of all, bring him on a head, hang him, not, not dead, just hang him, bring him, bring him with on a hedge, hang him, yes, cut him down, cut his guts out, take his dick off, cut his head into four parts, burnt. Nope. You forgot. Cut his dick off and burn it. Burn the dick in front of him while he watches, watches, watches, watches, watches, watches

on dickfire and then cut his head off and then cut his head off and then cut the body into four parts of the body into four parts. Uh-huh. And, uh, and then the, and then the king gets to put the body parts wherever he wants. Okay. You got to be here. Like he's probably like, you will be hanging tomorrow. Oh my God.

Damn it. And then cut down. Oh, that's pretty good. And your guts will be taken out. That's kind of weird. And your dick off. And now after that, we'll take your dick and going to put it in a campfire. You're going to watch your dick burn.

Then, then, then, then, then once your dick's burned badly, cut that head off and then put it into four parts, which no, you already did cut the head off. You already cut a head off. Uh-huh. Well, I got your dick head off. You're going to watch your dick burn, but your head head, your brain head, it's going to be there. Okay.

Can we just hang? Can we just hang? You will hang for a minute. Then you come down. Got to get those guts out of you, the dick off you. Burn the dick. Cut your head off. It's going to take about two hours.

It seems like overkill. Yeah. Look, I'm crying and I'm the judge. This is nuts. Yeah. Speaking of nuts. Damn, uh, so, uh, Gove's son, uh, who's also named John, was pardoned. Three others were then pardoned, although one of them died in prison before it was released.

Most of them get pardoned over a little bit of time, except two, um, Gove's estate is now seized and turned over to the crown. So at this point, Gove has a really large family and now they're just homeless. They're just totally destitute. Cranfield had orders to send all the rebels back to England. Any rebel he catches, he's supposed to send back to England. Um, he's also afraid what's going to happen if they do this execution in New Hampshire. So Gove is sent back to England for the king to deal with.

So they go. Is took. Yeah. They kind of took it out of like they, they give them the sentence of execution and then they go, well, the king will do this. And the king's going to read this and be like, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. What's, uh, why don't we just, why don't we just hang him? Is that okay?

Can we just do that? No. No, that's not the sentence, is it? Well, uh, your highness has got to see the dick burn. Your highness, uh, we was kind of thinking it might be kind of funny if after he hangs for a minute. So we get that, uh, it's scratched. We cut him down, yank his guts out like pescete and meatballs.

Then we take his dick off, put it in the fire, let it razzle, uh, go, I'm sorry, crackle, a snap, crackle, cock. What is this about the dick? I didn't quite. Well, I don't know. We were just kind of like, we think the guts thing's really crazy, but then we was also thinking like, um, yes, yes. Yeah.

We were just thinking like, well, how do you get even crazier after that when we cut his dick off? Okay. Then what? Okay. Well, then we put it in fire and make him watch, make him watch his dick burn. I'm just saying it's all, it's all a bit much. It's a bit much.

Yeah. I mean, I guess we probably pushed it a little bit, but I think when you see it, it'll probably go pretty fast. It'll just feel like a set list. I don't, I don't, I guess I don't want to see it. I guess we don't need to bring him by hedge. Probably cut that out. That saves about a half hour or the whole thing.

We could just have him, I was thinking just, just the hanging, which that's, well, I, sorry, I'm going to, I'm going to push back. This guy has to watch his dick get burned in a fire. Sorry. Oh, that's the whole, that's the, that's the apex. I don't see, I don't see why that doesn't, you know, it's like, no, crazy. That'll be shitty for him to see. I'm just saying, I don't think we need crazy being just hanging him.

We don't need to see dick, dick fire. How about this? We burn his dick in a fire, then we hang him. Pretty good? Okay. Great. Thank you, sir. By the way, I've seen your fortress.

It is unbelievable. Oh, speaking of dick fire. Yeah. I've gotten, I've gotten one from the hole. Glory, praise to the majesty. I need, I need medicine. I got to go. Let's talk for another day.

Okay. So, the, the, the people in New Hampshire are, are really fucking pissed about this over the top seconds. Yeah. It's a bit much. And Cranfield then punishes them more for being mad. He raises the cost of court. So I think you have to pay for court when you go there.

So he raises it 500%. He puts his, he's put it, he's created his own council and, and he has all the legislative power now. Now they're levying taxes without the approval of the assembly. They're imprisoning people without charges. Okay. Others are being fined for no reason. Because court costs so much like you're not going to fight it.

Right. Overthrowing the government is pretty, pretty common. It's pretty much the thing. It's like, yeah, we need to do something. They start responding to the quote obnoxious laws with violence. Like people are actually getting violent. They're resisting paying the taxes. Tax agents are trying to execute a levy, right?

And they do it on the Sabbath and a ruckus breaks out and it ends when a girl knocks down one of the tax agents with her Bible. Beautiful. Finally. It's very pure. It's very pure. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a real finishing move. Women were coming to the door to greet tax agents with pots of scalding hot water. Nice. Boy, we really should be bringing that back. Men would answer the door holding clubs. Nice. So there was violence with the tax agents. Now Gove had been sent back to England and he is imprisoned in the Tower of London.

But he immediately starts writing letters to friends asking them to use their influence to get him a pardon from the king. So they try. There's a letter writing campaign. People are saying all these reasons you should be should be freed. They wrote to the king. The one thing they keep landing on is they keep saying he's of unsound mind. So you know, he's got like he was mental.

He wasn't trying to overthrow. He wasn't trying to overthrow the king. He was just. By the way, anyone who hands down a sentence where you're de-gutting and dick burning, like they also are not stable. No, that's an unsound mind. Yeah. His wife wrote a letter saying he he'd experienced lunacy since he was a kid, which is a weird

thing to say. Like, no, he's crazy. That's why I married him. Crazy. The whole time. Also, if you do do the dick thing, just mail it to me, I'll take a pageant. They sent they sent the king all the depositions of the court. The king takes off Gove's irons on May 28th, 1684.

So he'd been in irons in the Tower of London for just about a year. And then the and then a little after that, the king ordered he be allowed to enjoy fresh air. So he's probably getting like it, you know, it's like a day in the yard or an hour in the yard or just a window. Sure. On May 9th, 1685, he was allowed to wander the Tower. So now they're like he's got free reign in the Tower.

So he's getting a little bit sure. His entire time in the Tower, people are making the case that he should be pardoned. And on March 5th, 1685, the king said, Gove will be part of the next batch of pardons. And he was released on his own recognizance on April 6th, 1865. I'm going to cut Cranfield's dick off. Newly crowned James II, hears of Cranfield's behavior. And he sends an agent to find out what Cranfield is up to. I'm hoping this guy gets his dick burned.

After reporting back, Cranfield is censured by the king and removed, quote, on receipt of the intelligence of Cranfield's disgrace, a self-constituted committee waited upon him and escorted him to the Salisbury line with a rope around his neck and his legs tied under the belly of a horse, which he rode minus his sword. And then they dropped him at the Massachusetts border. Oh my God. The Massachusetts, like, dude, what are you doing? We don't want this guy.

No. No, that guy's a fucking asshole. Get out of here, dude. The king wrote to the council of Gove's pardon and ordered them to restore his estate. So he got all his land back. Nice. Edward Gove returned to his life in Hampton. He died there on July 29th, 1691.

He believed that he had been slowly poisoned while living in the Tower of London. So whatever happened in the Tower of London, his health got a lot worse, probably just being in the Tower of London. He was locked up in hikes. But he blamed it on him. Yeah, it couldn't have been good. Cranfield was given a lucrative post as a commissioner of customs in Barbados where he levied a hefty tack on sugar exports.

He died in 1700. Man. That is the best death sentence we've ever had, though, right? It's pretty good. It's pretty good. That is the best one. That's the best decree in death sentence ever. It's definitely way, way up there.

So the sources are the Gove book, History and Genealogy of the American Family of Gove, and Notes of European Goves. Whoa. Sure. I don't know who wrote that. I think I did. The death sentence in part, and it was up there also, Seacoast Online, Getting Rid of Corrupt Governor Cranfield, The Empire Reformed English America and the Age of the Glorious Revolution

by Owen Stanwood, and the New England Historical Society, Edward Gove, and his one-man revolution. It would just be great to be able to rid ourselves of politicians in that way. That's why it's kind of satisfying at the end, is like, you know, comeuppance, which is just not going to happen. People are probably like, well, what about Trump, but it's like, yeah, but that's not going to do shit. No, it's not going to do anything. But it's just so fucking crazy how every fucking place, it was all nuts.

It was all fucking bananas at the beginning of this country. It was just completely. Well, it's also, it definitely feels like we're like charting back towards that sort of situation at some capacity. Horseshoe. Yeah. Right. Well, that's cool.

Well, gobble, gobble. Thanks for giving everybody. We wish you and yours the best. And yeah, we have everyone have an extra turkey leg for Dave this weekend. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Thanks everybody.

Bye-bye now. Thanks. Sleep on boxes. Sleep on boxes. Thank you guys. Lop. Lop. Lop.

Lop. Lop. Lop. Lop. Lop. Lop. Lop. Lop.

Lop. Lop. Lop. Lop. Lop. Lop. Lop. Love you guys.

I'll be filming it. So I really want people to come out to that. That's April 12th, which is a Wednesday to coma comedy club Washington come on out then April 13th back to regular stand-up at the Spokane comedy club And then April 14th and April 15th. I'll be in Bozeman, Montana at last best comedy also Los Angeles My home city kind of whatever May 5th Friday I'll be at the dynasty typewriter in Los Angeles then May 18th I'll be at stand-up live in Phoenix, Arizona more shows coming like July 12th and July 13th I'll be at the New York comedy club one's in New York one's in Connecticut It's wild then I'll be in Pittsburgh July 15th

And that's all for now go to gareth rentals comm to get tickets and information and join me be part of the gar me Everyone's calling it that quit push it back