The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 583 - Chris von der Ahe - Part one

Episode Date: May 16, 2023

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine 1880's baseball owner Chris von der Ahe Sources Tour Dates Redbubble Merch   Mindbloom  

You're listening to the dollop on the All Things Comedy Network. This is an American History podcast where each week, I read a story to a guy making dissatisfied faces. What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? Dave Anthony. All right, let's get it again, from the top.

You're listening to the dollop on the All Things Comedy Network. What's your name? Doesn't matter. Who am I? You do you. I don't do you. We're like this all the time, there's no idea what the topic is going to be about. Golly, G.O.

It's like doing a podcast with my fourth grade teacher. Hey everyone, see the blooper reel. It's like doing a podcast with my fourth grade teacher. Hey, let me walk you through the alphabet, Dave. This is what a long division looks like. Nobody liked him. Well, because he was drinking gin in his car a little earlier, and he didn't want to tell anyone.

He was just mean and critical. Yeah, well, maybe he had a narc in the class and he didn't want to deal with him. Maybe a little narc. Right, this is exactly what he was like. Made everyone uncomfortable. Maybe he liked some kids and he just didn't like having a narc around him. People didn't want to learn. Well, is that why you...

Everyone just...no one really did well that year, it was just a...it was a bummer. I'm trying to...sorry, Aaron, stop recording for a second. You're listening to the dollop. No. Did you play the intro? Oh. And called it, quote, his jam patch. Jam patch?

I'm the fucking hippo guy. Dave, okay. My name's Gary. My name's Gary. Wait, is it far fine? And this is not going to become the Tickly podcast. This is like anarchy. And a five-part coefficient.

My room's playing. Now hit him with a puppy. You both present sick arguments. No, sleep down, hippo. That's like a hippo. Action, partner. Hi, Gary. No.

I sleep down, my friend. No. No. Roda, Roda, in the car. I mean, that's kind of it. That's the end of the theme song. Pretty good. It's very funny.

The theme song? So many highlights from the first 30. The theme song? Yeah, there's a bunch of different stuff in there from the first 30 episodes. Just look quips and funnies. I think that's what they're called. And people a lot of times say, why don't we update it? It's because nothing's been as good as those.

Ever. We have dropped off quality-wise significantly. This is episode 570. And so I would say every episode goes down in quality about 5%. So we're in the mass negative. As you design. Yeah, we're like it. The quality is like negative 300% area.

It's pretty. And the US economy is pretty good. And the economy is good. Things are good. Things are good. Yeah. I was reading about bankruptcies, which are a sign of rebirth. Yeah.

Good stuff. Yeah. What I call it is financial molting. You're making, getting rid of the old banks for the bigger, the biggest one. I always say, and I've been saying this for years, let's have one bank. I agree. Why do you need more? I agree.

I agree. I couldn't agree. One bank, one housing company. Yeah. One store. One of everything. Yeah. Because then they're so good, you don't need to worry about another place.

That's right. By the way, we are against, we're striking with the WGA, but we're against us. Yep. We're for the company. Bingo. And there's going to be one company. Yep. Disney.

Garakor. Disney. Disjace Warner. Disjace Warner. Yes. Yeah. That's going to be great. Gareth, speaking of which, we are brought to you in part by Mind Bloom.

Look, there's no quick fix for anxiety or depression. You can't just find a new therapist. You can just start exercising, meditation. There's a lot that goes into fixing yourself, and sometimes you need to like unlock your brain and have a new way, thinking about things, seeing the world, and maybe, I'm saying maybe that thing is guided ketamine therapy by Mind Bloom. Right. Ketamine at home.

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That's two. Yep. The deuce is what they call it. They argue that it seems like there's a lot more struggling going on. Yeah. I'm not sure what it is. I don't know why. I don't know what's going on.

So ketamine therapy has helped a lot of people, a lot of peeps out there, get involved in the business is what I think what they say. What are you doing? I'm trying to talk. I'm trying to make it casual for the kids. But let's just stick to the idea here. Okay. Yeah.

It's home ketamine therapy. Yeah. It's home to deal with depression, anxiety, other issues. So yeah. So I know a lot of people who have been helping with ketamine therapy in there. So do I. It's good. So right now Mind Bloom is offering our listeners $100 off your first six session program when

you sign up at mindbloom.com slash dollop and use promo code dollop. Take the first step and break free from your anxiety and depression with Mind Bloom. Mindbloom.com slash dollop and use promo code dollop. Also, I do another podcast, a much better podcast with a guy named Josh Olson, who is the writer of history of violence. And we do a podcast called The Audit. We just released a new season. Gareth is on one episode.

But basically we're taking a look at the Prager You videos. Dennis Prager, who's a God. Yes. So there's a lot of propaganda. You've seen him on Facebook and everywhere else. So we go through them, different subjects. We have Professor Richard Wolf on. We have Nina.

No, Nina turns on the last one. We have Naomi Wolfe. Naomi Wolfe. Naomi Klein. Not Naomi Wolfe. Jesus. Naomi Klein. Gareth Sexton Yates.

Yeah. Myself. Yes. You. So there's a bunch of different people. We've done, we did like 10 episodes. And that is out now. You can find it on the lever or just, you know, where you'll be listening to podcasts.

And Dave, I, this Thursday, I'll be in Phoenix, Arizona at Stand Up Live. You can go to garethrenolds.com for tickets. Then I got a bunch of July dates. You can go to garethrenolds.com for those. And then on the All Things Comedy YouTube page, I have a crowd work special that has been put out today. So you can go watch that. It's called Gareth's Live Volume 1.

You can go watch. No God. There's going to be volume 2. Yeah. I already taped the second one. There's going to be tons. It's your problem. Why are you holding your hands together?

Trying not to swing. It's strange. You understand that? I will say, I don't know what's going on, but I think you've put a lot of work into what we're about to do. Oh, sort of. I will tell you now, this is a two-part episode. Right.

And I'm going to do part one first. Interesting. Yeah. The twist. I'm switching it up a little bit. That's crazy. That was Aaron's recommendation. I think it's going to help.

I think that's a pretty good strategy. Thank you, Aaron. Thanks, Aaron. Did we do everything? Did we talk about the dog tour? Oh, no. Yeah. We were down the road in July.

We started July. 27th. Yeah, July 27th. We started San Jose, California. Yeah, we go to San Jose, San Francisco, Sacramento, Boise, Salt Lake, Boulder, Denver, Las Vegas, Phoenix, San Diego, go to dolloppodcast.com for tickets. October 7th, 1851, year of our lord, JTown. It's been a while.

Yeah, the kid. They're calling him the kid now. He's great. Just stop. I knew the new Jesus, hat backwards, gold chains, tan as fuck. To be fair, I think the original was also. Christian Frederick Wilhelm von der AHA. Der AHA?

AHA. Okay. Was born in Hill, Germany. He'd nothing known about his childhood. Sure. But when it came time for compulsive military service as a teen, he left Germany. Okay. As I recommend.

Yeah. I was just going to say. Yeah. I would do it. And he immigrated. Or I just have my dad say I had bone spurs. Or was it Rush Limbaugh that had anal cysts? No, no.

Rush Limbaugh was an anal cyst. Okay. And so he immigrates to New York alone in 1867, no money. After six weeks, he moves to St. Louis. Jesus. Why would you do that? All right. Aaron.

All right. Those of you, would you go six weeks in America, would you go to St. Louis? Go cards. Green cards. You're going to like this episode, Aaron. So he moves to St. Louis. He gets a job as a grocery clerk. Okay.

Within two years, he saves up enough money. How old is he? He's still, at this point, he's like 18, like he's really young. He saves up enough money after a couple of years to buy into the business and become a co-owner. It was different. It's just also crazy that it's in the 1800s and it's like, hey, easier to make a living back then.

A couple of years you're buying into the business. Yeah. It's not great. It's just not. Yeah. It's like nine to five last night. What's happening with you? I'm going through menopause and that whole movie.

It's like, first of all, nine to five is hours just sounds ludicrous at this point. Then also, the whole story is basically like they make the company better because they're basically, they're trying, they want to unionize, but then they're just giving people flex hours at part-time and there's like a daycare facility and it's just, and I'm just like, we've been talking about it for so long and the heroes. Yeah, forever, yeah. So on March 3rd, 1870, he married 18-year-old Emma Hoffman, also German immigrant, and they had a son pretty quick.

Okay. His name is pretty quick? They got married in March. They had a baby that year, so I think she was, there's a little something in the oven, this is what they call it, a baby in the hot, in the crock pot. Yeah. She was warming up. She had a pot in the kiln.

She had a pot in the kiln. Yeah. She had a fire in the. Fire in the hole. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

She had a baby upper vagina. Are you okay, buddy? All right. Have some water. Have some water. So they have a son, Eddie, two years later, Chris buys out his business partner, so now he completely owns a grocery store. In four years.

Yeah. Okay. Different time. He's making enough money that he starts to, he starts to give out loans. Okay. And then next, he opens up a grocery, saloon, and beer garden combo. Nice. Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like that's the round still kind of. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I mean, not the grocery part, but. Kind of. Yeah.

A little bit. Well, first of all, you can get housed in Whole Foods. Not that that's like a little small business, but. You can get what? Housed. Loaded. Rocked. Drunk.

Shitfaced. And Starbucks. You can't get drunk at Starbucks. Well, only if you sneak in the booth. They have beer? Yeah, they have beer. Jesus. They serve everything except for their employees, good benefits, and money.

So by the way, boycott them until they stop firing workers. Which, by the way, you, big Starbucks fan, and have boycotted. Well, I haven't boycotting yet. I love their iced tea, but I haven't been there in a while. And I recently forced my wife. She's a huge Starbucks person. I said, you're done for a while. You're done.

And she got very sad. And then I showed her what they're doing, and she went, okay. So he gets into politics, you know, he's becoming a big man about town. I'm concerned about the trajectory. He makes connections like Congressman John O'Neill. Sure. Now, there's a pro baseball team in St. Louis, the Browns, but there is a game fixing scandal in the league, and the owners of the Browns quit baseball and discussed.

So they just walk away from their own team. Wow. By the way, of the four players who were caught fixing games, two went on to become cops. I feel like that's neither here nor there. Wow, it was just something I had to throw in. How about this? Two of them didn't. Okay?

Glass half empty, fella. A group of businessmen talked Chris, Vonderaha, into investing in the team. The Browns. Yes. Okay. So essentially, like, they take it over, this group. I feel very excited to learn about your sport, just understand you've got the ball and you've got the gloves.

Yes. You've got the bats. Yes. And this is your home. Well, it's a home of the field. This, you, you, sir, go to your little mound. My, yeah, the pitching mound. You have the tiniest, the tiniest stop.

Tiny. It's over here. Tiny. Then some of you hang out in the deep of the fields, is the walls. Those are the outfielders. Exactly. And yeah, and ball is hit in your direction. You catch it in your glove.

And yeah, this basic understanding, you go up there, you get three swings of missing and you get four of not swinging, but the pitcher has missed from his mound. After that, you will switch roles, then you become the defensive side. Okay. Then after that, you go to your houses. You each have two little houses. You go in there. The dugouts.

Put on different equipment. You, the catching guy will take off your clothes, then you come back out in different outfits. It just takes off the arm. You do wardrobe shift. Okay. Then we play it again. The seventh one of these, we will have a break.

We will all relax for a little bit, but the game's not over. We'll do it a couple more times and then hopefully that's it. But if everyone's got the same numbers on the board up there, we will go a little longer. The game's tied, you mean. We go longer. Yeah. We go until someone makes a decision on if they are ready to win or if they want to go home.

Well, they try to win. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's a meritocratic endeavor. So you have to do it a bit like that. Yeah. Yeah. So you know almost nothing about it? No.

I think it's a pretty great basic idea. You get it and you throw it and you get it to each other and keep an eye out and theft of bases is a criminal, but if he gets it, he gets it. It's just a whole, whole sloppy thing. So we'll go make it, you know, good and very ready to do it proper. You know, let's, uh, let's go get him to do it proper. Okay. Yeah.

And I'll be playing on the team, maybe. Nope. Catching the coach. Nope. Could be in the. Nope. Okay. Well, this is, this is weird because this is actually better than the Colorado Rockies

on a ship. Oh. Oh snap. That one goes out to Kate and Holland in November. Those mountains, they can't play the game. Okay. Okay. Um, so these businesses have talked him into investing and they tell him that it's going

to make him famous being an owner. Sure. Um, and they form an association and, uh, they make Chris the president. So he's like the main investor. There's other guys that have invested. They take over the ballpark lease and Chris, Chris gets concession rights. Big. Yeah.

Big. So games are on Sundays, um, which is a huge controversy because it's America. No, no. Uh, oh, some are on Sunday games. Some games are on Sunday, right? Which is a big in America. People are like, oh my God, that's not how we do it. That's J towns day.

Chris provides drinks from his saloon across the street. Nice. They come over on a tray. Oh God. Yeah. Hey, so, uh, we ordered those nine hours ago. I was kind of curious what's going on that, uh, there's a problem with the, uh, crosswalk light.

Okay. Um, to Chris, it's all about selling beer. Right. Uh, he knows absolutely nothing about baseball. No, of course I know some of the stuff. The guy catches it. The ball is little. Right.

The man are big. Yes. You have the glove. Yes. Yeah. Put your hat. What? What was the picture?

What? No, what was the thing? He goes on a line and he's on top of a mountain. That's where he draws from. Okay. And then you squat like you're going poop. Okay. You go back there, but you catch the little ball from the mountain.

But you go like you're going poop in France. Um, so Charlie Kamitsky was on the Dubuque rabbits. Okay. He's a very good player, very smart player. Gentlemen, we're the rabbits. Nobody here comes in fucked with the rabbits. Um, Kamitsky invented pitchers covering first on a grounder to the right. I love the idea.

Well, they got us again. That's what it was before Kamitsky. You would hit the ball over and they'd be like, well, shit. What are we going to do? There we go. I guess. Look at the draw. Hey, what if another guy runs over and...

He's not the first baseman. Let's just stand our lanes, boys. So he was so good that they offered him a contract in St. Louis. Okay. Now the Browns made $25,000 profit in 1881, which is a lot of fucking money. So Chris buys out everyone else. Okay. He's a sole owner.

Sole owner. So baseball fans at the time are not called fans. Sure. They're called cranks. Right. Of course. Why? Uh, they're very unruly people.

Okay. Now, a new national league forms in 1876 and the guy leading the league vowed to end quote drunkenness or bummerism. Someone was like, okay, and Chris loves drunkenness and bummerism because that's where his bread is buttered. That's his money. And then someone is like going to end drunkenness. Well, that league has already started.

Right. Right. So that league is established. Right. And they started the national league to turn baseball into a respectable entertainment for upper middle class people. No gambling, no alcohol, higher ticket prices to keep out the pours, no Sunday baseball. Players had no power.

I'm just going to say based on how it worked out, this does not, they don't win. They created something called the reserve clause, which means once a player was signed by a team, that team owned the rights to him until they sold the rights. He couldn't even, he couldn't switch. He was just fucked. So players aren't happy with the national league. One team Cincinnati gets kicked out for serving beer. They kick them out of the league.

New York and Philadelphia get kicked out of the league for being New York and Philadelphia. That's just, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, a guy from Philly invented batteries to throw them. Right. Yeah. So the league is struggling.

The cranks aren't happy. It's a, it's a, they've created a conservative version of baseball. Right. The no fun one. The no fun league. Yeah. Oh, and oh, no. NFL.

Well, if we didn't have the F, no league. Sure. What do you say? You know, the first, the first baseball game I went to it as a kid, a guy in front of me got so drunk that he pulled his pants fully down and that was the first time I saw a grown man's penis who wasn't my father. Anyway, keep going. I've apologized that for so many years.

Yeah. It was just weird. Yeah. That's how we met. Yeah. Yeah. No. And you were like podcast, then you got yanked.

In November, 1881, six clubs formed the American association. Okay. The Browns are one of those teams. Right. Boos would be served ticket prices, 25 cents, half of the national league, Sunday games, umpires got salaries. So it's kind of like the XFL a little bit at this point. A little bit.

Yeah. Players could leave their team whenever they wanted. It's a working man's league. Right. Politicians and ministers are fucking furious. Right. Uh, elitist reporters start calling it the beer and whiskey leak. I don't think that's bad PR.

It's not at all. You know what I mean? They're like, hey, do you want to go to the, you want to go see the beer and whiskey leak? Yeah, for sure. Yes, I do. Yes. Yeah. Hey buddy, you want to have fun?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So they made their money from brewing or selling beer because the NL wouldn't want them. So a bunch of guys who had made their fortunes from beer and saloons had wanted to buy into the national league, but the national league wouldn't let them. So they basically made their own. Right.

Booze league. So it's a booze. Right. It's really like, let's get drunk and have a good time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, the NL, the national league called it the American beer ball league.

Yeah. Again, selling. You're selling me to the. Yeah. What do you mean? This guy who knows how to fuck. Ladies, I'm open for business too. I mean, imagine you work six days a week.

You have one day off on Sunday and people and people are like, well, what do you want to do? Drink beer and watch a game? Yes. Yeah. No, I said, yeah. No, I said, what do you want to do? Drink beer and watch a game?

Yes. No, it's a Sunday. I'm aware. No, I'm saying. These are a quarter. Yeah. It's terrible that anybody can get in. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

What's. No, they're. No, listen. I'm here. Hold on. Hold on. They sell beer and whiskey in the stadium. I know.

I'm going there with a bunch of my friends. I feel like we're not. I feel like you're not. Very clear. What I'm saying. I don't want to go to the expensive one where I can't get drunk. What do they call this one? Beer ball?

Yeah. It's great. Yeah. What? Yeah. The beer and whiskey league. The beer and whiskey league. That's what I want to go to.

No, it's Sunday. Yeah. What do you want me to do? Go to church? Yeah. It's just sort of like. I mean, they just give you a little bit of wine. I can have a lot of whiskey.

It's. I can take my pants down. Jeez. It's going to be great. I don't think that's great. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe what if we had, you could go on Sunday and there's a preacher and he preaches at

the stadium and there's no beer and wine. And what about baseball? Yeah. It's Sunday. So you can't. Yeah. No. Jesus didn't play baseball on Sundays.

Yeah. He didn't know about baseball. He wouldn't have? I still feel like I wanted to kind of just get ripped and drop trow and wiggle around for a while. You know what I mean? Anyway, probably good luck to you. Fuck off.

Okay. So, Chris opens a beer garden in right field. I mean, literally in right field. So it might, when you're trying to go back for one of your bars to catch, you might find yourself in a bit of a problem zone. Right here. We have an open beer garden. Okay.

So if the options are to catch it or to let the people have a party in the beer garden, I think you just let it go. Okay. So the bus salaries house is the outfield, part of the outfield fence, and then extended out from that is the beer garden. So the beer garden is considered in play, so players would have to go under tables and stuff to get the ball like you hit it over there. It's got golf rules, but the ball's live.

Yeah. The player's running. All right, boys. Hit it into the beer garden. It's a nightmare if you can. And then if you're a fan and you're... Oh, you want to be in the beer garden. Yeah, but then the other team hits the ball. Yeah.

When you kick it out to your guy. Or you just put it in your pocket. You put it in your pocket or throw it in the beer. Then you just hit the ball. Put it in the pitcher. Yeah. Yeah. So the National League president is absolutely horrified by this new drinking league.

He said, quote... Come on now. That's not the baseball we're after, see. Yeah, it hasn't even started yet. They haven't even started playing yet. He said, quote, you cannot afford to bid for the patronage of the degraded. You cannot. Amazing. It's a deplorable speech from the 1880s.

If you are to be successful, you must secure recognition by the respectable. Fuck the respectable. A Sunday playing club that is at the same accessory to beer-hawking is beyond doubt a curse to any community. It is just, the way that money makes you so out of touch with reality. Totally. Like you should, there should be, you pay enough money, there should be a person who keeps you in touch.

You should just hire a person who's like, let me tell you what the streets are talking about. It's really not a good idea. They really like getting drunk and watching baseball. They don't like what you're saying. But the, hey, hey, what's I'm calling, American Association, I'll call A. They would just laugh because they're fucking making money, hand over fist. And players at this time drink.

The first pro baseball league, the National Association, had ended mostly because the players were drinking so much. Okay. So they were too drunk to play? Yeah. Or too hungover or whatever. So the National League president managed to die before the AA played their first game. Okay.

So he didn't even make it. It was a nightmare scenario. He just died from like anxiety. No, I can't believe they're gonna appear. They're gonna really, so I can't picture it. Opening day in St. Louis was May 2nd, 1882. The cranks threw rocks, vegetables, and swore at the opposing team as they arrived in their carriages.

Sure. Okay. Carriages, vegetables. Okay. Got to throw a rock at a guy. Yeah. All I have is some broccolini. Oh, I have this giant rock.

Oh, damn it. There. You do that, and I'll frisbee some asparagus this way. Okay. Oh, my God. It sunk into his head, the one I threw. It's in his head. Yeah.

But look at that cauliflower near. Oh, I love it. Does that you? Yeah. That's good. I was supposed to go home and make a soup. I killed him, but you kind of humiliated him. I just won't be able to make a soup.

That's fine. Yeah. Oh, I have another rock if you want to make a soup. Oh, look at this. A little baby potato. Yeah. So vendors, like I said, sold trays of beer and wine and shots of whiskey. Fans love the team.

What is the hard alcohol at games now like? There's none. There's none. Well, they. I think there's little bars. Well, they'll do. Yeah, there's bars. But I don't think they sell shots.

Yeah. That's what I mean. It's like a margarita. Yeah, right. And at your seat, getting a shot is just dangerous. Oh my God. A shot. You could be like command six.

Oh, yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah. If you put one shot in me, that's like, that's nice. Here we go. Yeah. Yeah. So fans love the team. St. Louis fans are the cranks are very loud and rabid.

Now Chris only judges games based on how much beer he sells, right? He knows nothing about baseball and is often quoted in papers for saying the dumbest things about the game. So it seems like it was great, you know, we have a little beach where the one guy goes and he stands on a little board and then throws to the poop squad. Like if a guy would hit the ball to right, he'd be like always hit the ball to right. Oh, it just hit it basically a home run. Same place he do.

Now gentlemen, everyone hit it there. He also find players when they didn't make plays, even if it was impossible for them to make the play. They should have been able to get into the stands and grab that one, otherwise he didn't get the run home. It was I couldn't like physically couldn't get to it. I know. But if the next time you, I think this will motivate you next time.

It won't. If I can't get there, you're not going to, at this point, it's not you're going to get fined out of the way. So if I was you, I would probably make a better attempt. I literally can't. Like it's, but you could have run outside of the stadium to go grab it on the fly. No, he made a ball go high. You could get the ball high.

You could go. I don't. I mean, I don't have all the solutions, but you could run through the tunnels, tunnels. Yes, through the tunnels and then go outside and grab it or something of that nature. I don't know. I mean, I'm not very familiar, but you know, you did your other body. He did not hit the ball after the guy threw it was a bad moves. So you're going to have to pay to find.

Okay. This is what you do. It's not. You're dumb. Well, no, not dumb. No, just I'm trying to make you motivate. So just try to figure that out a little bit for us. Okay.

Put everyone put your foot in. What? You got you. So the AA and NL at first fought over players because the NL has the rule that you can't, but they is like, well, we will. Well, I guess we're fighting. But then they realized, oh, that just leads to the players making more money, leaving the NL.

Well, just bidding against each other. Right. So the AA is just basically like, we will not, the players can't leave. And then the NL is like, oh, sorry, the AA is like, yeah, they can. So we'll take them. Yeah. And then they're like, well, hold on a second. God damn it.

We're doing it. Damn it. Yeah. Well, the whole thing was another team. The whole thing was that we wouldn't pay him as much. And then we just keep them. So then that, yeah. So the NL was like, well, we have to pay people more to keep them now.

Like it was a whole thing. So after the first season, they both agree to have a reserve clause and they can both blacklist players. So now both leagues are like, yeah, we'll both fuck them. So blacklist players? Yeah. So if you own the rights to a player, you can also kill his career and say, no one can play for anyone else.

Oh, wow. Oh, I know you're excited to listen to this episode. So am I. Hey, everybody. It's Gareth, half of this podcast. It's going to be a good time. But before you get to it, I wanted to give you some stand updates where I'll be on the road.

You can come join me. Be part of the Garmy, the Gareth Army. You guys call yourselves that. It's nothing to do with me. But come on out and join me. I will be in Austin, Texas, May 12th and 13th. I will be in Phoenix, Arizona, May 18th. I will be in Birmingham, Alabama, July 9th.

I will be in Nashville, July 10th. I will be in New Jersey, New Brunswick, July 11th. I will be in New York City, July 12th at the New York Comedy Club. Then I'll be in Stamford, Connecticut at the New York Comedy Club, July 13th. July 14th, I'll be in Pottstown, Pennsylvania. I'll be in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for the DVE Comedy Fest, July 15th. I will be in Syracuse, New York, July 16th. I will be in Buffalo, New York, July 18th, New York.

I hope you're not sick of me because I'll be in Albany, New York, July 19th. July 20th, 21st, and 22nd, I will be in Burlington, Vermont at the Vermont Comedy Club. Go to garethrenalds.com for ticket information. Be part of the Garmy. You might notice I didn't say Huntsville, Alabama, July 7th and July 8th. Those dates are getting moved. Sorry, Garmy. Go to garethrenalds.com.

Get yourself some tickets. Let's party. So much for the Working Man's League. It's kind of slipping away for Money Man's League. If the AA had not agreed to do that, they probably would have just crushed the NL. They probably could have just signed in their players and destroyed them. So hurt them in the end. But the second season, Chris gets a new manager, Ted Sullivan.

He's very strict. He puts a gong in the stadium to hit at the beginning of the day to let everyone know it's time to start... Baseball? Practicing or whatever. Practicing. Oh, okay. Baseball gong.

Yeah, yeah. For sure. Yeah. Sure. And their best hitter fell into an hotel elevator shaft while drunk. Oh my God. What? How?

What? Oh my God. He pulled his hammy. That happens. But what... So elevators were just... I assume it was one of those situations where the door opened, but the elevator wasn't there and he walked...

Okay. That's a good one. Okay. Sure. All right. I'm going to turn in. Okay. So he was out.

He didn't die? He didn't... I don't think he died. He didn't say he died. Another kept getting drunk and threatening the manager, so that wasn't good for the team. Chris and Sullivan's relationship became strained and while they were on the road in New York, Chris went and made a surprise inspection of the player's hotel. Okay.

And they were all out and it was past curfew. Okay. So he gets into a fight with the manager and you're not controlling the team and then fires him. Okay. Oh no. Don't tell me. And he hires Charlie Kamiski to be the player manager.

The guy who came up with the first base pitcher move. He's 24. Oh my God. The next day, Kamiski holds a special practice to teach all the pitchers how to cover first base. Uh-huh. And all the cranks came and... Yeah, but sorry.

Hold on a second. But we're not the first baseman. Right. It's a bit of a flaw in what you're trying to tell us. It's not a flaw. You're going to cover... That's what I'm calling a cover. You're going to cover first baseman.

So what's first baseman do? He pitches the rest of the game? No, it's just for the one play. So then we... I'm not... Who's going to pitch if I'm the first baseman? No, no. It's just the one play.

The ball gets hit to the first baseman. Right. You're away from the base. Right. Someone else... Someone else... You're the pitcher? Yeah.

The ball gets hit to the first baseman. Right. The first baseman can't run over to first base to tag in. Yeah, so the guy's going to get to the base. Yeah, exactly. So the pitcher can run over and get there and you can throw... I'm not on their team. I'm not trying to get to first base.

What do you mean you're not on their team? Well, why the hell am I going to run to first base if I didn't hit it? That's not allowed. No, you're going over there so he can throw you the ball and get out the runner. Who's going to throw me the ball, the new pitcher? What's this fellow's name? The first baseman? I don't like the sound of this asshole.

The first baseman? He's taking food out of my son's mouth. No, that's not what's happening. What's happening then? You're just getting it out. I'm out of what? A job? No.

Because you put a new guy out on the mound. I'm not falling for your first base bullshit. Now look, I heard a lot of dirty tricks in my time, but I'm not falling for this one. You want a new pitcher, you just tell me you want a new pitcher. I don't want a new pitcher. Well, you're going to have trouble getting one with this attitude. You're my pitcher. All right.

I'm just saying. I play first base two. No. I want twice the salary. What the fuck? What do you mean? You can't screw me. I'm not doing two jobs for one salary.

I'm not doing two jobs. Who am I going to throw it to? Myself? I'm going to look like a damn fool. I feel like we have a lot more work than I thought. I think we made some pretty good progress. I do not think we did. All right.

So. By the way, I am drunk. No, I know. All right. I just want to make that clear. I have been drinking a lot. I know. It was such a ridiculous idea that all these cranks told each other what was happening.

They all came down to the stadium to laugh and watch and make fun of them. So that year, St. Louis plays very well and they lose the title by just one game. Okay. Now, at the end of the season, the Browns players challenge their own third baseman, Arley Latham, to fist fights. Who? What? What do you mean?

The Browns. Challenge him? Their own third baseman. Who? The team? The team. The team is just engaging. The whole team challenges.

The whole team challenges. One guy to fist fight. Arley to fist fight. Okay. Latham had a big mouth and he baited other teams. He also pissed off his teammates. So he's trash talking his own team. You ain't got this.

So 20 Browns get in a line. What? And one by one. Fight him? They fist fight Latham. What? He's like a gang bang? He knocked some out.

Some knocked him out. He got knocked down and kept going? He would get up and start over. All right. All right. Hold on. Hold on. Let me just remember what I'm doing.

Let me just remember what the premise of this activity was. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. It's coming back to me. I'm fighting you all. Yeah. All right.

All right. Let's go. Here we go. Let's go. Put him up. Bye. Woo. It's hard to believe that these guys drank.

Yeah. It doesn't seem like the behavior of alcohol. In 1883, the players started their own league. Okay. And they had a St. Louis team called the Maroons. Sure. That season, one of the Browns catchers conspired with a teammate and they got together and they beat up the starting catcher who was paid more.

Okay. So a teammate beats up his own teammate. Yeah, because he wants to. The other guys started. It's Nancy Kerrigan. Chris then brings in the guy who beat up his teammate. You're not going to believe this. Gus had an accident.

His face got kicked in. And he scolds the guy. He's like, you can't beat up your teammate. Right. That was a little Russian, right? Yeah. Getting Freud's an angry. So.

He's a teammate. And then he goes, all right, now go, go. Because the other guy's beat up so he can't play. So he goes. He's like, look, I don't know what to tell you, but you're not going to be able to advance your career if you're doing certain things like this. However, we are in need of a catch up. Yes.

So it seems like you have to do it. Yeah. Don't do it again. Yeah. So he scolds and yells at the guy and then goes, now go put on your uniform. Now go play catch up. So the guy goes and puts on his uniform and then he sends a telegram across town to the maroons and then left in his uniform and went and played that day for the maroons.

Which guy? Not the guy who got it upgraded to pitcher. The guy who got beat up. No, the guy who beat the guy. The guy who beat the guy up. Got mad? Because he was scolded. Yes.

He's just like, you don't talk to me like that. You saw what happened to the last guy. Your whole plan was to beat up one of my better players so you could get, yeah, but I didn't expect all this attitude. That's it. I'm a maroon. So the city is loving all the drama of the two. And they're playing at the same time just in different leagues.

And nothing is really sanctioned. So it's just like whatever. Yeah. There's different leagues and yeah, nothing is sanctioned. A little while after that, a Browns player challenged the maroons manager to a fist fight because he said, you're stealing our cranks. Yeah. And the maroons manager just kicked the shit out of him in front of the stadium.

Right in front of the stadium. I love like managers do like, this guy wants to fight me. Well coach, what are you going to do? Kick his ass. So the guy who got beat up had to be helped home. But they couldn't keep up with the money of the bigger leagues and the union just started to fall apart. Right.

And then it disbanded. Okay. And now the maroons are still a team though and they asked to be let into the national league. They're still, what do you mean they're still, they're just, what they're just like, well, I mean, we still have uniforms and players. We're still technically a team. Would you like to hire a team?

What? And the NL and ALAA had an agreement of like where you could have a team and they, and he was like, go for it because they don't serve drinks. So it doesn't matter. They can be a team across town. No one's going to go to their games. This is in St. Louis. In St. Louis.

But I thought St. Louis, the Browns were not a beer-serving team. The Browns are a beer-serving team. Oh yeah. The maroons are not a beer-serving team. Oh, got you. Got you. Got you. So he's like, yeah, go ahead.

Try to have a team. Yeah. Enjoy it. Good luck. It'll be great. And turn out to be a big drinker. Okay. So Chris hires a PI to follow him at night to see what he's up to.

I have a feeling this means drinking. Okay. And he was drinking and then Chris confronted him. So I understand you were out on the town having a drink. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of, yeah. A lot of drinking.

Well, I don't know what about this debaterous league where we are permitting fistfights amongst the team, encouraging hard alcohol sales at a volumous level made you think that this behavior is okay. I want pizza. Okay. Okay. Right. It's a tough, you know, we, I don't know what about this league where one of our players

fell in an elevator shaft and lived. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, fried pizza. Okay. Anyway, the private investigator said you had a lot to drink. Yeah. Yeah. I had, I did all. I hired him to bust you and you're very open with him.

He did. I bought him some and then we were talking about stuff. Okay. Well, no more of this. Yeah. No, not tonight. Okay. Okay.

Well, we had a good talk. It was good. Yeah. Do you want any, no, not, I could have Vonage. I have my whole jacket is full of shots. That's a strange way to, it's a shot jacket. Okay. Sure.

We'll do. Okay. All right. Okay. I did it. Yep. All right. So he confronts them and Chris sits down and this is what Komiski told them to do.

So they sit down and talk and Yanks is the guy of a medical condition. It's called hydrophobia. I am afraid of water. And I have to take medicine for that. Hydro, let me write it down. Hydrophobia? Yeah. Quote, the medicine is so strong it makes me weak.

What I didn't know. So it's medicine. So what's the medicine? What's? What do you, who, where's your pharmacist? The bartender? Chris felt bad for him and gave him $25 to buy more medicine. Here, go get some more.

Go get a round of medicine for you and your buddies on me. Hydrophobia is a fear of water. That's what I thought. So it's great. Really is great. Unfortunately, I have hydrophobia. Oh gosh, I'm sorry. I had no idea you had a condition.

It's terrible. So Arley Latham was the team prankster. Okay. He was nicknamed the freshest man on earth. All right. Big nickname. Sure. When he homered, he would do cartwheels down the third baseline.

The bulls fell at play, Harley. And he never shut up. He was talking to fans during games. He would sing songs during games. If an umpire made a bad call, he would fake faint. Oh, no. One time he put a firecracker under the third base to pretend like he'd gotten shot or something. Oh, damn it.

He loved making fun of Chris. He would mock him with a thick German accent while wearing a clown nose. Oh my God. Sometimes he would just randomly sneak up on Chris and dump a bucket of water on his head. There you go. I'm just raising your crowd. Prankster. Hello.

You've been had. Outfielder Kurt Welch drank a lot, but not just in bars. He kept beers behind the outfield billboards and snuck drinks. That's great. Yeah. How does he keep going? I know. That's the thing.

So at what point are you walking over to the billboard and no one's noticing what you're doing? How does he keep going over there? Why is he? I mean, maybe between the innings, he would sit out there instead of going to the dugout. No. I bet you it was in between batters and shit. I bet you if a guy steps out of the batter's box to have a minute, like, hold on a second,

he'd be like, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Good buzz working. Buddy is that he was an amazing outfielder. He'd make diving catches all the time. He's probably just drunk falling over. Shit face. Why is he diving? Nobody hit him.

So the Browns were also baseball's bad boys. And Kamiski would stand a few feet from the home plate and make sarcastic. That's amazing. What? So funny. That was my watch. What does your watch think you're asking? I don't know.

I don't have time for this. I didn't say anything. The irony of it being on a watch. So he would stand a few feet from home plate and make sarcastic comments about the umpire or opposing catcher, but talking to his player. So he would just be like talking audible shit. Well, this umpire is really great, huh? I'll tell you what, I believe, look out, everybody.

Go way far back, we got a big hitter. So he'd talk about their quote. Yeah, the umpire's got a huge dong, Dan. He'd talk about their quote, breeding and personal habits. Breeding? Fuck it. Yeah. So he was doing that.

Yeah. You know, I hear this umpire lasts a long time. He talked shit about the umpire to his own players, but the umpire could hear. So he's having a conversation with his player, but the umpire's right there. Well, it gives him like the out of like, I'm just talking to my boy. I'm talking to my boy. I heard you talking about me. I do not have erectile problems.

And again, he's standing just a couple feet away from the batter and also just would just wait. Okay. It's bizarre. All right. Come on over. So it goes batter catcher, ump coach. Yeah.

Right. All right. And then if he got really pissed, he would get in the umpire's face and yell quote, you're a peach. You're a peach. Thank you. Thank you, sir. Thank you very much.

You got a pear. All right. All the tasty fruits. Okay. He got pineapple for a face great man. His standing near home plate and talking shit is what led to the creation of coaching boxes. Oh, wow. So they're like, we need to give him a spot.

They, they were like, we have to get him away from the umpire's and we made you a coach cave. There you go. Coach manager Jim Hart said it was quote, for the sake of not unduly increasing the population of the insane asylums or encouraging justifiable homicide. Wow. So basically he was making people insane. Yeah.

People are going to kill him. Yeah. But the coaches box didn't stop. Kamitsky, he just, he just now did it to opposing pitchers and infielders. Okay. Kamitsky quote, it is the game we are after not reputations as society dudes. Right. Sure.

Yeah. Okay. That's still tracks. Yeah. So this is the attitude of the entire team. And the fans love it. The fans love it. Yeah.

The Browns are such a nightmare to play that the, that the Brooklyn Dodgers made 28 errors in one game. Wow. I mean, that is so many. They're just completely getting in people's heads like just nonstop fucking with everybody. And Chris backs their behavior and pays all the fines they get. Okay. Interesting.

Because he's like, well, it's entertainment. Yeah. Right. Kamitsky is also a genius coach. He remembers everything he would have paid about opposing players did years before. Like he's just a baseball genius. And he attacks every weakness. On top of that, he can identify really talented players to sign.

So they won the 1885 pennant. So Pennamains championship. Yeah. Lewis held a nighttime parade to celebrate. Of course, nighttime. Nighttime. Gotta have a nighttime parade. Why would you do during the day?

Well, it's also, I like the idea that it was probably for drinking, but it's like, yeah, I think people could drink during the day with this town. I think we'd be okay. Okay. Quote. Paraders carried live bombs, torches, Roman candles and pinwheels, shotgun blasts from upstairs windows punctuated the night air. It wasn't a victorious war celebration, but it sure seemed like one.

I don't think it seems like a war celebration, either to be quite honest. Bombs? Bombs. Bombs and people are shooting shotguns? Yeah. And everyone's like, whoo! Whoo-hoo! Bombs.

And everyone is shitfists. Hey, what are you bringing? I made a sign. I was going to take this bomb, maybe set it off. It's got a really long wick. I'm just going to sit in my window and shoot my shotgun. All right. Have you guys done a parade before?

Oh, shit, a torch. I'm going to cut the coach's head off. We want him getting my cannon out. I'm going to drive a tank through the team. So a tin mortar launching pan exploded, sending shrapnel into people. A man's right hand was split open. A lady's dress caught on fire. Another man's face was torn open by a stray shell.

Yeah, as you can see, it was a stray shell. And we would... It was a stray shell. It was a parade. It was a... I just... If I could go back and do one thing differently, I wouldn't stand next to a shrapnel bomb. The mortar operator stayed on the stretcher until the parade was over.

What? He got hurt. He got hurt? He stayed on the stretcher until the parade was over so he could continue to light up more... Great town you're from. You're not from... Where are you from?

I'm from San Diego. How the fuck did you end up a St. Louis fan? Is it too late to put him into a San Diego story? Yeah, this was for you. Chris now challenged, after winning the championship, Al Spalding's NL championship Chicago White Stockings to a series to see who was the best team. Now Spalding is a guy we've covered in previous episodes. Yeah, Spalding, the glove man.

Chris wanted it to be called the World Championship Series. Okay. Seven games... Did he do it at a window in front of the investors? We call it the World Championship Series. He just told the other guy. Well... The leagues don't condone this.

The two teams are doing it on their own. Okay. Seven games in four cities and it's a total chaotic mess. Teams are pulled off the field, umpires fired before the third game. There's fights between the players on the field, games are starting 45 minutes late. It's just a financial disaster. Wow. How could you not...

I would imagine it would just be so easy to pull it off. You would think so. Yeah. The Crosstown Maroons finished last and no fans came and their owner said, quote, Well, you can count me out of this baseball business. This game has sickened me. Oh, man. He had lost an estimated $100,000.

Oh, wow. Also, he was a barge ship magnate and his entire fleet had been lost in a storm. So he's like, I'm having a tough year. Team sucks and then I lost so many ships. Lost all my boats. I lost a fleet. It's been pretty tough. I don't know what to do.

So he sold the club. He ends up working for the city street department making $75 a month. Wow. That's a fall. A magnate. That's a fall. Yeah, couldn't that happen to Elon? Goddamn.

I'm having a parade. It's like a meter made. Yeah. The next season the cranks are very excited about. Chris led the opening day parade, quote, striped spats, silk top hat, Prince Albert coat, maroon colored kid gloves and a gold headed cane and his two greyhounds walking at his side. Oh, boy.

I'm a fucking widow. Who's got a golden ticket? Although that sounds like your people. You're English. Oh, stop. If you're going to turn this into the coronation stuff, please relax. That's very coronation-y. Yeah.

It's going to be a beautiful event. I'm serious. What issue did you take with that? That was, they updated it nicely for 2023, I thought. They had the stone. There's everything made sense the way you put the gloves on him. Are you being sarcastic? No, I thought it was great.

Okay, yeah. Because I thought it was actually pretty beautiful. It's a beautiful transfer to the next king and it's 2023 and having a king is fine and the way they did it. It's really classy. Yeah. And it only, by the way, talk about a good rate only costs 100 million pounds. Right.

So that's totally worth it. That's cool. Yeah. They put a crown on the guy's head. Well, yeah. He also took a carriage around town. His wife was also part of the coronation. A bunch of people got arrested for-

Yeah. Well, yeah, because you're not allowed to say you don't like it. I mean, that's obvious. Right. I'm being totally serious. Yeah, no, I know. You think people should be able to stand on the street and say they're opposed to something like that?

The monarchy. Yeah. Okay. Well, then I guess you're just not meant for the big time. There's like these, I want to say chalices, but they're like, I mean, it looks like a giant gold sort of tube like thing. And there's like three of them. And if you get them and have, even today, you are king.

So we can play capture the flag? We can become king of England. Yeah. Man. We just have to get those things. Oh, man. It's very tempting. Yeah, but if I did it, it would be like King Ralph.

Would not be good. I mean, yeah. Well, then I don't know if I might have texted you this, but I was talking to my mother. And I go, I'm just like, you know, shitting all over it. I'm just going to cost a hundred million pounds. She goes, but it's going to bring in a billion. And I go, I go, how? She goes, well, I don't know, but they're saying it'll bring in a billion.

That's what they say. I'm like, who's saying it? The people who are spending the whole day. I'm like, yeah, I feel like you're taking the bait pretty easy. I'm pretty sure we're going to be out of Iraq in three weeks and we're going to have all the oil. We know where they are. They're in the east, the west, the north of the south.

So the Browns dominate, they get big crowds, Chris is selling tons of beer. Some of the owners don't like Chris at an AA meeting. I love the calling it. I know it's hard to let jokes. At an AA meeting, they wanted punishment for this. Hi, my name is Chris. My team's an alcoholic. Well, Chris is a huge, I didn't have him say this, but Chris is a huge fucking drinker.

The other owners want the team punished because they're fucking assholes and he threatens to leave the league. Which would be bad. They're the number one team. They can't leave. That year, they're doing so well that Chris holds a banquet in July, months before the end of the season, to celebrate winning the league. So confident we're going to light off some bombs early.

Come on. Now, one of the original guys who had talked Chris into buying the team in the first place, Al Spink, launched a paper called The Sporting News. It is very, very pro Browns and Chris. So much so that people think that Chris owns stock in the paper. Chris has an insane ego. He wanted to be called boss president. Boss president.

It's troubling from an ego standpoint, but it's also just reeks of German man. Yeah, it's totally hello. I'm not from here. Boss president. Yes. King of ball. I would like to be Mr. On Top big guy. CEO of recreation.

Yeah. You know, something of that nature. Things are very much like that. King of all ball things. Ruler champion. Yeah. Maybe. When they won, he wants the accolades.

If they lose, he blames the players of the ump. Sure. He had illustrations. Bear, I mean, by the way, the model of all ownership. In sports. He had illustrations made of himself to be sold to the public. Who? This is what you do.

This is weird. What if I had a picture of me to sell? I can't believe I've run MVP again. The pictures, of course, de-emphasized how heavy he was in his large nose. So. He commissioned a statue of himself and put it outside the ballpark. Oh, God. What?

It's very normal. It's the monitor and the person that everyone goes to see every time they play. Chris always described himself as a poor. I feel like the belly is a little big. The belly? Yeah, we shape it down. Yeah, we shape it down. The belly, take some of the nose off.

Maybe what we do is we take some of the belly fat, we cut down the nose a little and we take all that clay or that stone or whatever you're using. We put it in the crotch. Yeah, fatten it up. Big, big bulgy. Like reality. Yeah, like how it really is. Yeah.

Like so when people walk in, they're like, oh gosh, this guy could bet with his dong. What? Yeah. Mm-hmm. It can't win. It can't win? Yeah. Mm-hmm.

You're a me though. Yeah. Yeah, somebody you're talking about. I'm in my own head. Oh, this is a debated side. I know. Oh, so nobody can actually understand what we're talking about. Yeah.

Yeah. You look good. You look good. Get over here. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So Chris had always described himself as a poor immigrant who rivaled nothing. But as he got richer, his personality changed. He wanted to be and sound important, but he often came across like an idiot.

Mm-hmm. Mostly because. But he was drunk. Yeah, that's why. He was a huge drunk. So that made him very moody. Sure. He was finding players more and more and now had the contracts forced them to stay at his

boarding house. To stay at his, because he didn't graduate with the ground about property, he was today as a boarding house. Oh, do you understand? What? No. You live there now. What?

Well, you think I'm stupid. No, I don't know what you're saying. I'm saying that you're getting a big fine because he missed the ball properly. But also if you live inside of the boarding house now, there's nothing you can do about it. And if you think I'm stupid, you're wrong. Okay. Yeah.

Can I just go play now? Play what? Baseball. Is there a game today? Yeah. What day is it? It's Sunday. I thought it was Tuesday.

No. You think I'm dumb? No. I just think it's Sunday. How about this? You live in a cage in my office. What? Yeah.

I'm not a monkey. It was in a few porcupin sticks if you speak up, monkey man. I'm not a monkey. You're a monkey boy. You're not a monkey boy. You like mushy nannies? No. You find me to squeeze it in my hand?

No. You eat it in your little cage? Okay. I'm going to play for another team. How are you going to do that when you live inside of a zoo? So the way, so the boarding house thing is just like he pays them a salary and then makes them pay part of it back. And again, they're the most profitable team in baseball.

Right. So the ego is just out of control. They won again in 1886 and had another world championship series with the White Stockings. Everything offered his team money not to drink the best, but after the first game they won, they just started drinking. God damn it. I can't stop them. Chicago acted like they had already won it when they went up two games to one.

Well, let's not act like that's a big deal. He had a parade in July. True. They told reporters they bet a ton on themselves and they partied. But then St. Louis won games four, five and six and won the series. And those Chicago players had bet all their money on themselves. And so Chris ended up giving the other team the player's money to get back home to Chicago or just to survive because they had lost everything.

The next season, 1887, Chris's feud with the Brooklyn team, the Dodgers, blew up. The owner was, God, I don't know his first name, but Byrne is his last name. He called Chris, quote, a mental small man. Oh man, he didn't like that. That's so per... Yeah. But is he... No.

But is he... Yeah? What is he talking about? I think he's right. Oh boy. The teams are accusing each other of cheating. So they're... He's cheating.

It's heating up the rivalry there. It's cheating up. In July, Missouri passes a blue law forbidding Sunday games and labeled the sport a labor. Labor? Labor. It's work. So you can't go on Sundays. Right.

Is that because the players are playing? No, they're saying the players are workers. Right, right. That's what I mean, right. But a big crowd comes anyway on Sunday. Where is it? Ready to drink? This is a beer day.

Sorry, there's no baseball. That's okay. Let's let the dogs run around. Yeah, let's just get the whiskey going. To be honest, it's kind of like Dumbo's Feather. It doesn't matter. What? It's kind of like Dumbo's Feather.

It just doesn't matter. If there's a game going on or not, what matters is we get wasted. That's the lesson. Because when you really think about it, it doesn't matter. It was on the field. Play beer. It was all about the bonding that went on before that. Yeah.

There's no feather just like that elephant that could fly. He's my best friend. Okay. Do you remember him? Nope. He's an elephant. 25 mounted cops were at the stadium and when the game started, Chris was arrested. As they were arresting him, the crowd chanted, play ball.

Okay. I don't think you understand. I don't know what's happening. Someone shoot a dirty bomb. So he goes on trial a week later and in court, Congressman John O'Neill gives a speech that was called by a paper quote, a eulogy of the national game. Wow. He spoke of what the game meant to laborers on a Sunday.

He also said that year he had been to many games and not seen one man drunk. I'll tell you one thing I know for sure. These people are not at the game having alcohol. You go to one game. You drive me one drunk person and I'll give you $100. The judge ruled baseball was not labor and could be played on Sunday. The best way for that to come out is after some time studying, I've decided on Sunday we may play more.

Let's go, boys. So the 1887 Browns could be the greatest baseball team ever. They won 95 of 135 games. When they played the Detroit Wolverines in the World Series. Okay. 15 games. 15 games. 10 cities.

17 days. What's going on? What? How do they keep upping that? Hey, what if we're just completely out of our fucking minds? Best of seven? Best of nine? Best of 15?

You got it. Best of 15. 34 cities. 9 days. Go. All right. So here's how Game Six is going to work. We're going to play it from one stadium while walking to another one.

Game Six, Game Seven, same time. Different cities. I mean, how? That is the drunkest contract ever. All right. So we agree. 35 games, 450 cities, two years. We use one ball and the team are going to bring in their children to play.

Okay, fair. There we go. But the weather was bad. Well, if you're doing that much, it's like, well, the season's changed on it. What did you expect? We had a hurricane season. Tickets were priced too high. They were a dollar.

And normal tickets were 25 cents. A few people came. It's just a total mess. Some Browns players were hurt, but mostly they just stayed up all night drinking and playing poker. Right. Before Game Six... They can't take two weeks off to just be athletes at the end.

They can't. No, they can't do it. Before Game Six, a man was showing off his revolver in the stands and he shot his fingers off. Okay. What in the fuck was happening? What was happening in the world back then? I mean, it's amazing, it's still relatable, but also totally insane to be like, hey, I

can never show you how I can be, I can never show you my Billy the Kid, yeah, grab my hand, my fingers, hold my fingers, my fingers are gone. Now Chris the whole time was scolding his team as they lost. You're not good. He made $12,000 on the series, but refused to pay them because they lost and played so bad and drank and... Right. Comiskey said he would slit his own throat if Chris didn't give them their World Series

money. Okay, well, here you go. It's quite a crazy threat you've made, obviously. You're very good at negotiating. So here you are. How much is good, I guess. I'll slit my own throat. Neither happened.

A month later, Chris sold his two best pitchers, Ketchor, Shortstop and Centerfielder. So he's doing a full... He did a full fire sale. Played house. But it's the top of their game. Yeah, right. He just sold it to make profit. Yeah, right, right.

He is a livid, the cranks are furious, and then a day later, Chris says they're going to win the championship again next year. Because I'm playing. So the cranks now think Chris is insane. But Comiskey is a genius, and he finds new good players. The team keeps winning the next year. And Comiskey really harshly controls the team. If he told the player to bunt, and the player didn't, he would walk down to home plate and

punch the player in the face. Sure. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Just as... That's good coaching. That's how you keep...

That's how you... Everything in line. Yeah. Okay. The Browns... Oh, shit, I should have bunt it. I should really should have bunt it. The Browns were as dirty...

You want to hit? You got to hit. Yeah. The Browns were as dirty and abusive as they had ever been, and they won their fourth pen in a row. Wow. So he was right. Yeah.

Clean house. They sold all those guys, they brought in new guys. Terrible lesson for him. Yeah. The 1888 World Series was between the Browns and the New York Giants, 11 games. Okay, we're getting a little closer. Five cities. Now, Chris goes all out.

He pays friends and local reporters way. He buys them sleeping cars, buffets, hotels. He just wants to show off. Okay. Meanwhile, the players are like, you're going to pay us, right? He buys all his friends in the reporters' new suits. Everybody gets a new suit for the series so they can be dressed up nice. Sure.

All together, it costs $30,000. Jesus Christ. The Browns party and lose, and the series is over after eight games, it's over. There's still three to play, and they're still going to play them. And no one comes to those games, obviously, because it's over. And Chris is fucking livid, and he keeps all the money from that World Series, $16,000. So they played two post-season series, 27 games altogether, and got no money. 27 games in two series.

No money. 27 games. Yeah. The next season, there's a lot of tension now between Chris and the team, if you can imagine. Yeah. A bunch hold out for more money. Sure.

So Chris has his 19-year-old son, Eddie, negotiate. Oh, my God. Yeah, so that sounds pretty fair. No, no, no. Come on. That didn't go anywhere, so Kamiski jumped in and reached a deal with the players on his own. So he's doing everything.

Everything. The season starts. On May 2, Yank Robinson is warming up, and Kamiski comes over and tells him his pants are too small. Pants are tight. Look, Yank, we know Yank. Come on, look, I'm trying to be a friend here. There's a very tight.

Yeah. Listen, I'm trying to show off my joint. Yeah, but come on, I can see the seamen swimming around in your neck. That's right. Come on. They're too tight. That's why they call me Yank. Lighten them up, Yank.

That's great. Can I get you a looser pair that doesn't show off the notch? No, I want people to see my butthole, the whole every wrinkle and the whole thing in the front part. Very visible. Yep, these are the right size then. It looks like you put a squid in your underpants. They're boy pants.

All right, this is good to talk. It's good to know where you're staying. It's very good to talk. I'm coming tomorrow, I'm coming, we're smaller. Oh, not that. I'm going to, that's no pants. Nope. I don't know how you do that.

Just split. You'll see. I'd rather you, it's either, look, you're either wearing bigger pants or everyone else is going to wear tighter pants. It's up to you. I like everybody else wearing tighter pants. If they go tighter, I go tighter. This is, I don't think I got the nickname Yank.

I don't. I thought it's because you're like an All-American. No. But you're seeing the shlong that you pulled. Okay. All right. Well, that's it. Everyone's going to, everyone, we're all going to wear spandex.

Because of my dong. Because of Yank here. So Komiski tells him he's got to switch pants. So Yank sends a boy to get a new pair from his hotel. Kid comes back, but he can't get in because he doesn't have a ticket. Right. So Chris has strict rules about readmittance. So Yank fucking loses it and screams at the gate attendant and the gate attendant, who's

like an older guy, starts crying. Okay. Jesus. And he goes to Chris. Sorry, I didn't know. I didn't know. They just told me to not like. He's yelling at an old guy about a boy bringing you loose or pants.

And he starts crying. Mom, sorry. Well, hold on, buddy. I'm sorry about that. Chris then got furious and yelled at Yank and Yank yelled back at him. And then Chris is like, I'm finding you $25. And Yank says, I'm not going to play again until you drop the fine. A few days later, they're at the train depot to go to Kansas City to play a series.

And the team refuses to get on the train. They're backing Yank. So they're on strike. After a few hours, they get on a train later and Chris threatens. He says, I'm going to find Yank $25 every day that he doesn't play. And I'm going to blacklist him. So the team plays terrible in Kansas City. And everyone thinks they threw the games on purpose because they're on strike.

But Chris is super fucking happy because they sold that every game and he made great money. So he drops Yank's fine and puts it back on the team. For like all the wrong reasons. There's no reason at all just because they made money. He's like, hey, come on. Whatever. That's potty. But now the Browns are being questioned about throwing those games for weeks.

So St. Louis is not drawing well at home all of a sudden because Chris jacked up prices to 50 cents for this season. But the grandstand is rotting now and the entire place smells like old beer. Oh, God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The bleachers are drunk.

In mid-July, they play Brooklyn and no one comes, which is the big series. Also Latha makes three terrible errors in a game they lose. And Komiski's like something's wrong. So Chris hires a detective. I love this move of his. And the detective finds a bunch of strange bets are made when the pitchers, Silver King pitches or Latham has a bad game. And when Yank has a bad game, it looks the worst for Latham.

His errors and everything are just terrible. So they focus on him. But there's no hard evidence. So they keep playing him. But the team is now getting like, they're like, what the fuck is up with this guy? Plus, he's got so many gold rings and got that cane and it's just ridiculous. Everything's velvet. So players use Chris for withholding pay, $71.40.

Because the guy had been injured and he missed some games. So Chris didn't pay him. Right. You shouldn't have got hurt. I made a stupid call. And a bunch of Browns testified for the guy in the trial and the judge sides with the player. I love baseball judge.

It's yeah. Baseball judge is the best. So Chris, Chris trades a good player for a very bad pitcher with a drinking problem. And Komiski is furious and he's mad at what happened, but after a game he just flips out on the umpires and publicly in front of the reporters just fucking shreds them. So now the players, the papers are all kind of tired of Komiski. So they started attacking Komiski. And then they start focusing on the team's like attitude and shitty play and how they're

drunk all the time. And also that Komiski swears in front of women. Can you imagine? Well, no, I can't honestly. It's disgusting. You might then learn that and then all that's wrong and then apocalypse. So in mid August, Chris suspends Latham for the rest of the season because the investigation has found something, but Chris, we've got a case tighter than your pants.

Chris won't tell because he says it's for the good of the game. He doesn't want people to know. So it turns out Komiski had demanded that Latham be suspended. And they have a big meeting, the three over four or whatever. And Latham admits he's been hanging out with a gambler and he says he never bet against the Browns though and he would not hang out with the gambler from now on. So after a series against Brooklyn, Latham goes to Louisville and he meets with the Brooklyn Dodgers owner.

And then Louisville telegrams Chris and is like, how much for Latham we want to buy him? But Chris knows Latham, Louisville has so little money that sometimes Chris pays the player salaries for the other team. So he's like, how the fuck would they? So he immediately is like the Dodgers are up to something. Now the Browns are playing so badly that Komiski puts Latham back on the team. Okay. And that exact day that they put him back on, there's a ball, it looks like he might be

going foul. So he lets it go and it stays fair. So his teammates are like, what the fuck is this guy doing? And then people are suspicious of the Dodgers because the Dodgers go to Kansas City and they beat him in sixth straight and it looks like the team didn't even try. So people are like, this fucking league is a shit. Wait, who did the Dodgers beat? They beat Kansas City.

Okay, right. But like, it looks like Kansas City doesn't even try. So it looks like Kansas City is throwing the game. Yeah. And so all the shit's going on. So it looks like Brooklyn's doing a lot of shit. Brooklyn's doing a lot of shit. And then a paper writes a story that the owner of the Brooklyn Dodgers is fixing games and

he's told the Browns player to suck on purpose and then he would sign him to a big contract next year. And then an umpire came forward and said a Brooklyn player offered him money to throw things but the league's not doing anything. So while all this is going on, everything just fucking shambles, Chris has a lithograph made. Okay. What's a lithograph?

It's just like a graphic thing. And it has a hand with five fingers that say five time winners. So he's preparing for the victory at the end of this season. I love that his game, yeah, that his plan is like someone's like, what are you working on? He's like, just try to celebrate this year's championship. You suck. And all your players, it looks like that there's no way to win.

What do you think? Do we do a five finger hand or two hands maybe with, oh gosh, I'm so tough. So he, um, the team is falling behind now. So Chris goes to the printers and ask, quote, we have not won that other finger yet. Could you keep it off until we see if we can win it? And then if we don't, could you make that hand with four fingers? Like the guy who showed the revolver off at one of our games. Could you do one of those?

Have you heard of the Simpsons? Did you please, you know, cartoon hands? Look, it's either a hoof or a hand you pick because like, why don't you just come in when it's closer to knowing? Oh, that doesn't sound right. Stop making the hand and hold off on the last finger. Oh, Christ. During a very late in the season, important game with the Dodgers, it's getting dark.

And this is in Brooklyn. And the Browns take a late lead. But then it's getting way too hard to see. So there's no lights or anything. No lights. Games are called on darkness all the time. Right, okay. But the umpire is too scared to call the game because he's scared of the Brooklyn cranks.

Okay. Pretty soon the catcher cannot see the ball when the pitcher throws it. Okay. Ow! Strike? I don't know. It hurt him. So it's close.

Strike. It's in my eye. That's a strike. So at 6.25 p.m., Kumitsky pulls his team off the field. He says the game's over and we won. But he took them 20 minutes to realize the other team left. I think we're just playing against each other. This is crazy.

And the Brooklyn cranks go nuts. They start throwing bottles, anything they can throw. Players are being hit. How about some squash? The Browns rush into the dressing room and rocks are being thrown through the windows and they're cowering in the corner. The cops arrive. I'm going to see what's going on.

They start cursing the Browns. I couldn't figure out how, but they make it out of that. Okay. But there's no explanation. It's just like, and then they got out. Okay. The Browns refuse to play the next day. They're like, we're not going to play in Brooklyn because you guys can't control your

people. Right. So the league president finds them $1,500 for both games, the Browns, and says they forfeited both games. Okay. When they won't play for their safety. And Chris is like, I'm not paying those fines. So the league president tells the other teams to withhold money when the Browns come to

their, like their percentage they're going to get. Now they have another league meeting and the league is now split down the middle. Those four are against the Browns. And they decide what to do. The Browns end up winning the first game that was dark, but losing the four, fitting the second. Wait, the Browns played those games? No, they didn't.

Other games. Remember when they walked off the field? Yeah, yeah. So that one, they're like, okay, that's a win for you. So they did win the game where they walked off the field saying they won. But then the next day that they refused the fourth, they lose it. So, but it doesn't matter. They're now too far behind and they're out of the race.

And Chris is- Go with four fingers. You know, it's time that we can green light that project finally. And Chris is pissed, he finds Latham $200 and suspends him again. He finds a pitcher for not pitching well. He finds- Finding people for not doing well is amazing. He finds Yank for, quote, trying to swallow a brewery.

That's not bad. I'm being hyperbolic, so you know. And Chris starts going down to the bench during games and just screaming at the player. You're a fucking idiot, you guys. Come on. Fucking shit. Let's do this properly. Here we go, Chris.

Here we go. Let's go. Come on. So one day Chris finds Yank for showing up late and they argue and he threats the black listing again. And then, so Latham is now, like I said, he maybe got suspended off the team. He's working in a hotel. Okay.

He comes to every home game and loudly roots for the other team. And while everyone's like looking at him, like the whole stadium is like looking at them. It's not a good. It's not a good look. It's not. It's not. It's kind of like, Jesus, he's spending a lot of money on Team Merck.

Brooklyn wins the pennant and the sporting news investigates more game fixing. They find bribes giving suits, overcoats, the cash, all to take St. Louis out. Sure. And now the AA is divided. They fire the president and they keep holding votes and they're all four to four. They're all for what? Four to four, the votes. Four to four.

Four against four. So they say they were four to four. And after a while, Brooklyn and Cincinnati leave and they joined the NL. Okay. And then two other teams, Kent City and Baltimore just leave. So now it's four teams. So they add more teams. This pays for one in Brooklyn because he hates the Brooklyn team.

He wants some competition. So Brooklyn not sucks. In 1889, the players form a brotherhood and then they form their own league. And Chris tried to have the Browns join the players league, but they said he talked too much and would hurt their cause. So they start their own league and he's like, that's great. Let's do it. Yeah.

But not you. We're doing it despite you. Yeah. You're an idiot. What do you mean? But I'm the best player on the team. You're not a player. What kind of?

You're just a German guy who likes beer. I saw. Come on. Who doesn't like a five or six beer since the morning and then a little bit of whiskey waffle. Listen. What? Hold on.

Hold on. There's no doubt in my mind that I'm the best player on the team. You don't play on the team. Of course I do. I play other spots. Other spots? The guy who looks like he's crapping behind a one. The guy at the first who has the sign on it.

What? The guy who stands on the little hill, the mountain, the Alp player. The pitcher? Then I can sometimes be, yeah. Then sometimes I'm the fellas in the back. The fellas in the back? The way out back fellas. The outfielders?

The guys who go to the ground. Yeah. The guys out back. The guys who go to the ground? Other times I can be the guy who tried to go hit the little thing. The little, the ball? Or sometimes who knows? The guy who plays first but at the other end on this similar bag or the guy in between

the first and the similar bag who plays on another similar bag but he's not first or as a guy at the other end, he's the middle one. The second baseman? Yes. I could play all of these positions. No, you can't. You don't know what they are. Yes, I do.

Or even the little one who stands in the mix of all the things, ready to move around a little bit, I can go where I am, floating around in my little world, fading to find the ball, maybe it come my way, maybe it's not coming my way, and I'm in between the guy who's standing opposed to the one who's on the first and the one who's standing in the middle of the field. You sound like you're talking about a defensive midfielder in soccer. That's the position I'm talking about. So when the player league starts, sometimes I dream of playing as a game.

So when the player league starts, there's just a ton of lawsuits. The fighting between the leagues just causes a huge drop in attendance and the players league falls apart. It's done. Right. And so after the season, it's just a mess between everybody and one player who had left the Browns to go to the players league was Charlie Kamitsky. Right.

Oh. He left to play or coach? He left to play and coach. He wasn't playing and coaching on the Browns. Yes. He was. So Chris and Kamitsky just attack each other publicly that whole season, just both saying they get credit for the Brown success.

And then other ex-Browns talk shit about Chris. Arlie Latham said of playing in St. Louis again, quote, not unless you put a chain around me and lock me up in your park. Okay. We can do it. Yeah, we can. That's actually what we really are. I've done that with two other players already.

That's in the contract. Perfect. Would you like some squish nannies? I guess you're a dog. Hmm. Hmm. Dog player. Thank you.

The sporting news also turned against Chris now. And then papers all over the U.S. start printing stories about Chris's personal life and his horrible team management. So he threatens to leave baseball. Okay. This is what you wanted. Great. Do it.

He says he's going to jump into the minstrel business using the ballpark as a minstrel theater. Oh my God. He's like, you think I'm a bad guy? Well, guess what? You're not going to think I'm so unlikable when I start a minstrel business. Jesus Christ. What a follow up.

Can you believe these people don't like me or fuck me around? Fine. I've got a new great idea. It's just the crazies. Crazy. It's just. You know, in the back of my head, I've always had a job I wish I could do. The Browns get the nickname the St. Louis, the St. Louis boozers.

Hmm. I don't think they're going to be called the St. Losers. And they're now the laughing stocks of baseball. Okay. So, Chris decides he's going to redo Sportsman's Park. He's going to drop 50,000 for a major renovation. No, no, no, no, no. And we'll talk about that in part two.

No, no, no, no. No. No. So this is where the shocks live. Okay. Oh man. 50 grand. Oh man.

50 grand with this guy's like, I got to drum up some business. He's not. I mean, you get lucky when you open a bar. Yeah, yeah. You open a bar. Yeah. Like you, that's it. You open a place where people can have, and Germans like their whole culture went, then

I don't know what is now, but like was a Sunday drinking in the beer garden. Yeah, right. It was like a cultural thing. Right. So we opened up a beer garden. Yeah. Like what's owner of all time? You just figured out to give people beer on Sundays, you know, but I came up with my brilliant

sports idea. I mean, seriously, he opened a beer garden and then he found a way to expand the beer garden. Yeah. That's all he did. Yeah, right. Yeah. Was just like, oh, I can sell more beer.

Oh, more beer people. Oh, people like beer. And then. Now I'm a really good owner. Wait, what? Yeah. I understand the sport. All right.

Well. Well, there'll be more next week. Until next week. Oh, by the way, next week is fucking, it gets crazy, but also next week for me is right now. What? If you want to see the, okay, action, action. You're listening to the doll.

Oh, wait. You're not watching this. Oh. Okay.