The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 59 - The Past Times with Chloe Maddren

Episode Date: January 26, 2024

This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian Chloe Maddren   Redbubble Merch

And we're also brought to you in part by Airbnb. Dave, I love staying at Airbnb's. I've told you this before, my buddies and I get together twice a year and we always find some amazing spots via Airbnb. So the other thing is maybe you've stayed in Airbnb before and you've thought to yourself, this actually seems pretty doable.

Maybe my place could be an Airbnb. Well, it could be as simple as starting with a spare room or your whole place when you're away. You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. Or maybe you wanna go somewhere warm over the winter and while you're away you could Airbnb your home, make some extra money. Whether you could use the extra money to cover some bills

or for something a little more fun, your home might be worth more than you think. So find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. find out how much at airbnb.ca. I'm Garrett Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week Chloe Madron. Thank you for joining Oh, thank you for having me It's early where you are you you're are you um are you one of the rare morning comedians? Kind of I mean not really was this a pain. It was no no no it wasn't a pain I did plan. I was like I went to bed kind of early. It's just it's okay. It's almost I mean, it's New Year's Eve

where I am, so there's not really a lot on right now. Right. It's fine. Yeah. Are you, do you have big New Year's Eve plans? I mean, this is... I am hosting. Yeah, no, it's cool.

I'm actually... You're hosting what? I'm hosting something, like a few people, but I also, I put it forward to my friends as like backup plans because I'm that insecure. It's like you've got other things to do, but you know, if you want to come here. You're a plan B. And then just to promote, you have you'll have a show at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Yes. Yes, I will.

2024 called Hot Girl Stuff, Disorted Eating and Crippling Self-Hate. It's really fun, lighthearted. That sounds like very light. Listen, it's got a hook. Thank you. Well, and then your podcast that Dave, Dave, you book her podcast. Is that true? I do book her podcast.

Yeah. And you do one of the words. That's why it's only people I know. Yeah, really just people I know. My actual grandmother's doing it next week. Yeah, I'm excited to have her on, yeah. I don't think you should be. Really? She doesn't do anything.

She's not in show business at all. She's an old person. No, no, no, that's what I was told. Yeah. Talk to her about medication most of the time. By the way, Dave, that's the description most people use for you, just to be fair. I don't know why, I don't know why I'm taking

these kind of hits. This is rough. This is rough. Celebrate babies, do you? Come on. Someone saw my beard online and they're like, holy shit, I didn't know you were that old. Oh my god.

Oh cool. Thank you online person. The comments that are, I did a promotion. I've been having what the English call a regular tooth time. And so I was at the dentist, and I was filming promos at the dentist. It was very hacky. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I have some of these.

They're funny. No, they're good. Well, someone said, it's almost worth looking it up, but they were like, enough Gareth. It's really becoming parody of itself at this point. Oh my God. you used to be you used to be like cute and endearing but now this shit is just annoying oh my oh my god and I was just like and you know how Instagram sometimes will just like

you're not even checking the it'll just be like hey here's a calm and it was just like one of the ones that was like hey here's one you should definitely see that'll hurt you I was was like, ah! Fuck. It was great. Did it ruin your day or anything? It's okay to. It didn't. One of those ones where you're replying

and you're like, don't reply. And then you're like, I gotta just say a little something to this person. I just gave her a quick little like, thank you so much. Yeah, thanks a lot. You know, also, there are thoughts that we can keep to ourselves. Yeah, absolutely.

Because you're talking to a human? Yeah, absolutely. Putting that out there. Look, it's sick. It should be illegal. We shouldn't be able to comment on other people. I think it's terrible. No, and I think of your, I'm a dual citizen

as a British person. I don't think you're allowed to tooth shame me. Yeah, oh, God yeah. True. Personally. No, your mouths are. All right, Dave stop. Dave stop there.

Dave stop there. Dave stop. Dave stop, Dave stop there, Dave stop there. Dave stop. So Chloe, Dave stop. So Chloe, Dave, Dave enough, Dave enough, Dave enough. Lord of the Rings, that underground mud hole they were building? Stop talking. So Chloe, I like to, shut up Dave.

So I like to guess what year this paper could be from. It could be from like 1600 is the earliest we've done. Wow. I would say we kind of gravitate more towards the 1800s, 1900s. I am going to guess that this paper will be from 1919. OK? You may take a guess. Chloe, as a OK, you may take a guess. Chloe, as a guest, you may have a guess.

I'm going to guess 1900. I like it. Thank you. Undercutting my guess. But let's see. Yeah. I look. It is someone is very close. Someone is very, very close. It is 1895. Wow.

Fuck yes. I win the podcast. Thank you. And that's the show. Thank close. It is 1895. Wow. Fuck yes. I win the podcast. Thank you. And that's the show. Thank you. That's the episode. This is great. You guys have been wonderful.

Yeah, it's really good. You can get back to your nearest plans. Thank you. Here we go. Where is the paper from, David? It is from Reynoldsville, Pennsylvania. What? I gotta go.

What? My people. My people. My people. I've got to them. Oh, really? Yeah, you are my god. They must go. Oh, you roll in the town, they would go crazy. Yeah.

Crazy. I got to do a show there. I'll do a show there that maybe in one of their banquet rooms. Would you consider running? What are the populations? Like running for office there, maybe? I don't even need to hear the answer. Oh, I'd run for office, I'd run there.

I'll do anything running, I don't give a shit. I say, before you even finish, I'm in. I would definitely run for mayor. Population 2,2521. I'm in, 2,521, okay. So not a lot of breeding, my people still, right where I need them. You don't like breeding people.

No, I'm not, no, I'm not. The road they'll say about the rentals, we're not meant to breed. We're trying to count it. Oh, you're not meant to breed. Well, the whole mouth thing, where you got the ogres in there. Dave, Dave, Dave, David.

What's going on with your mouth? Honestly, it's a lot of stuff, I might be able to relate. I'm inside an NDA with my dentist. I'm allowed to talk about it. If you've ever been in a goblin mountain. Dave. Inside. David.

Very simple. Dave. It's okay. I applied for Invisalign recently and they told me that my bottom teeth were too fucked. So, you know. What? Number one, you should not bottom teeth were too fucked. So, you know. What? Number one, you should not have teeth in your bottom.

Number two. Number two. That is a hacky joke, but it did actually work. It really got me. Yeah. If the idea that a visiline is like, sorry Chloe, you're just not in visiline, but you are. I was hurt.

You're beyond our help. I'm afraid not. You'll not in Visiline. I was hurt. You're beyond our help. Afraid not. You'll need a Visiline. What's your, what do the Austrians call you? Just Chloe or there's no nickname? Clothes? I get a clothe sometimes. Or just the last name, that's a very Australian thing.

Madren. Madry. Oh yeah, okay. Madron. Madre. Oh yeah, okay. Madre. Madre Dragon, yeah. People can't resist the nickname, it's impossible. Nope. They're nickname people.

We love it. It's because we don't remember each other's names. It's a good way to do it. Yeah. You ready? Yes. Oh, this is the star. I didn't say what paper was.

The star, Reynoldsville, Pennsylvania Wednesday November 27th 1895 Okay, so it could be right could be Thanksgiving I would write before after Thanksgiving if you don't know Chloe today when we celebrate and act like we did not kill all the Native Americans But we did sorry to be fair a Like we did not kill all the Native Americans. But we did.

Sorry, to be fair, a bunch of white people and Native Americans decided to share land, and then we had some turkey together. Oh, yeah, that's what I heard. I heard that one. That sounds nice. There was nothing else. I misspoke.

OK, cool. So we can make it some of that. All right, here's the headline, to scare burglars. Good. This is advice? This is, well, we'll find out. A few devices somewhat out of the common run. They may happen to frighten people who are... So we're already begging on burglars

not reading this publication, otherwise. Yeah. Just living the playing fields level again. Yeah. They may happen to frighten people who are not burglars But there is no doubt that most of them are calculated to scare every time good a little party of women

brought together last So far it's starting great Don't worry keep those on hand girls can be mean so far it's starting great. That is terrifying. So that's, yeah, you just need a gaggle of women. Don't worry, keep those on hand. Girls can be mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A click too. They can get very caddy.

Are you wearing that? All black? Geez, okay. Again? That's what you're taking? Yeah, a little party of women brought together last week by a family reunion over in Brooklyn had under debate a communication recently printed in the sun respecting domestic services to serve as burglar alarm. So they're literally saying that you don't have to talk

about the whip. They're saying women started talking about burglar devices that could stop burglars at a party. OK. They didn't need. They could have just gone into the. This is so this is a headline that's supposed to grab you to help you stop burglars, but it's really just about women were talking about how

to stop burglars. Yeah, this is a this is a guy who overheard women talking about burglars stopping women stopping burglars. This is actually that's the perfect lead for the paper. It's not too different from the publications we have now, honestly. Yeah, I guess it isn't. It's not really.

That's what, guys, we always wonder what women are talking about. And it is normally how to stop men, right? Isn't that mostly what we're talking about? It's a big portion of it. We've got a few group chats. It's yeah. Yeah.

Oh, no. OK. An elderly woman commented, I don't think scaring a burglar away is enough punishment for him. He ought to be hurt somehow. Agreed. How? Yeah.

No harm, the burglar. Is she going to do How? Yeah, no harm the burglar. Is she gonna do it? Yeah, I don't think so. Mr. B thinks so too, and his warm welcome for the uninvited is something that, as he says, just about fills the bill. The bolts on our front door and the arc... What? The bolts? The bolts.

The bolts on the door. And the arc light before it free us from all apprehensions of attack from that direction. What an adorable guy. Or twice, right? But twice our house was entered by petty thieves through the back door, which faces a dark garden. So this is before people knew about the back door

that Crooks would actually use that door as well. Yeah. Yeah, they were shocked. They were like, I don't know why people are coming in through the dark back area. Well, I don't know. We locked the front. What could it be?

Right, we've gone in through the back door. Oh, gosh. Our house was centered by penny thieves through the back door, which faces a dark garden and is in the shadow of a vine covered porch. Oh, well, that's understandable. I would think that'd be safe too. We've got we actually have a few plants in the way. Vines. Yeah, vines. They grow over. Yeah. What are they? Nocturnal? It's also. How did they navigate through some shrubs and another door?

Who has a dark garden too? We believe they're octopi. That's the only way they could be sneaking through such a strange area with such ease. Well, it's very dark back here. I believe this burg popular to be vapor. It's very dark back here, so I'm going to make a garden. Yeah. The second time inspired Mr. B with an idea at one side of the door about the height of

a man's face, he fastened to the wall. By the way, I believe we have better measurements than that. That's not saying a foot is great. I like that. That's the people's measurement because you guys have feet. We've got the metric or whatever, like it brings us together. We can meet in the middle. Yeah. Yeah.

America, that's really what America's been doing this whole time is just trying to negotiate that we measure in men's faces. Yeah. That's why we measure in men's faces. Yeah If you buy a door frame, they're like, where would you like the man's face to be and then you What are you looking for a six-faced or seven-faced? So how many faces? Why does it? I guess it's the four faces wide. It's a four face wide six face high.

Sure, we can get your surface area with those measurements. So total this thing's about 30 faces. Is what you're after. Yeah, 30 face or yeah. All right, that's standard. Uh, so about the height of a man's face he fastened to the wall a springy bamboo cane with a tin cup wired to its free end During During the day it can be turned up on the wall out of the way

But at night when he sets it for business It is sprung out about one and a half feet and held there by a short stick and a figure for Trigger so set that opening the door will trip it so that this you'll get to be clear. Oh The tin cup holds an ounce of cayenne pepper This is like literally this is like some Goonies shit No This is like literally this is like some goonies shit No 95 I know pepper spray, but can I know but pepper spray? But this is like this is like this is what it really is is 1890s home alone It you yes the idea that you're gonna trip a bamboo stick get hit by them and cayenne pepper is gonna be dumped on you

You're gonna be like, yes, I can't Rob, I can't rob, I can't rob them. Who am I? There's vines. Have you ever had cayenne pepper in the eye? That's pretty bad. No, exactly. Is it that bad? It's bad, I originally thought it was just a can

coming to bonk them on the head and this is significantly better. Cayenne steps it up. Yeah. Okay, I would just assume that if I was dead set on robbing, I'd fight through it personally. But I mean, I'm just, I have a criminal heart. Yeah.

Yes. I'm from the British. We steal teeth at night. From the hole where the goblins are. Dave, come on. You're walking a fine line, buddy. A fine line buddy a fine line For a month after mr. B rigged that contrivance

He's a cartoon character they keep him anonymous because this is obviously you know No, it's not mr. Beanie It sounds very Mr. Beanie. It's pretty funny now. Now the cayenne would work in my head if it's Mr. Bean. Yeah, yeah, of course. Is Mr. Bean or Mr. Bean selling this contraption? No, I don't think so. I think he's just making it tell people about it.

I would want to look into that. Like, it sounds like he's got stocks. I agree. It's viral marketing. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like he's got stocks. I agree. It's viral marketing. Yeah. Yeah, it might be. Yep.

Okay. For a month after Mr. B rigged that contrivance up, nothing happened. And he was getting low spirited over the neglect of the burglars to take note of his new invention. So he is upset by the lack of robbery? Yes. Aw, Mr. Bean. Then one night, the sharp, the spain. A man murdered Mr. Bean. Then one night, the sharp, the sprain.

A man murdered Mr. Bean. And he'd never been happier. Yeah, he was. The man fought through cayenne in his eyes as he stabbed him in the throat four times. He's screaming. Did it pull for you a little? Did you pause? Did you pause? Did it slow you pause? Did you pause? Did it slow you down?

Did the cane, did the bamboo hit your knees? How sore are your legs? The sharp spraying of the cane against the wall rang sharply all through the house and woke us up. That was followed immediately by language on the batch back porch fit to make your blood run cold. Oh my fucking eyeball! Fuck! My eyes are fucking hot! What is that fucking cayenne? Oh fuck!

Fucking hot eyes! I just wanted to rob Mr. Bean! My fucking leg and eyes! I feel like I'm in fucking... Fucking mor-mor! What is this door? 30 faces? Oh, fuck my eyes. We got to the window in time to see two men in the garden, one leading the other, who was howling and swearing terribly.

Wow. I mean, I've been skeptical. I still remain skeptical. It's all coming from one source. I think Chloe might be right. This is an advertisement for... Well, we fancied that some of the pepper had gotten into his eyes. Yeah, no shit. Before Mr. B could get his... Well, it wasn't a moral moment of clarity.

What am I doing? Who am I? Before Mr. B could get his pistol, they had disappeared in the shrubbery and we have not been troubled since. That's why you don't want to garden out back. Because the people can go into it. That triggers...

Yeah, it's easy get away. Yeah, they're hiding. That's true. And these guys, they want blood. They said that. Mr. B, as usual guys, they want blood. They said that. This Mr. B, as usual, wants his bloodthirst quenched. Yeah, okay. That trigger set to go off when the door was open, remarked another woman, reminds me of a horrid thing.

Now we gotta go up to the next page here. My husband brought home with him from a trip at West last year, a young 16 year old girl. Oh no. I was adding that in. I was adding that in to make it weird. It was like a pistol barrel with a long screw on one side for fixing it to the door frame

and a long spring on the other to project over the edge of the door. A little touch would make the spring fall hard on the cap. Sorry, hey, sir. I threw that in. I threw that in. There's no 16-year-old girl. She said something horrible her husband brought home and I said a 16-year-old girl. Okay, sorry. I've been hurt before. I know you have. So it would go off the first night after Jack got home

when I was setting a chair upside down against the door, as I always did. These people lie. This is like this is Kevin McAllister in 1890. What's 1890? Yeah, this is. That's the time He stopped me and put on his new contraption

When I got up first in the morning as usual, I'd forgotten all about that thing. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh God. That's why I don't have legs Yeah Which was down as low as my knees and I did not notice when it when I went to go out then it suddenly seemed to me as if the world had exploded The thing had worked all right and in addition to making a noise louder than the sunset gun at the fort Had riddled a reference we all Yes There's the sunset gun at the fort Time for soup There it is. Oh, there's the sunset gone at the fort. Well, let's... Time to go in.

Time for soup. Maybe. Um, it riddled the vestibule wall with a buckshot. Wow. Okay, so this is also something like... Grave robbers would do this in prevention too, right? Like they would like, cause so many bodies would get stolen, Chloe,

cause things were good. They eventually would put these contraption, like booby trap coffins with like explosive devices and shit like that. So you're putting this on your back door, but of course you need to remember that you've done this. That's a key component in all this. This is exactly why you don't put a gun hanging

to go off at your back door, because you could forget about it or coming in or out. Guns don't kill people, doors kill people. Thank you. USA. Thank you very much. Jack said it would have filled a burglar's legs with lead, and I believed him, but I never would allow him to put it on the door again.

One such scare is enough for a lifetime. So did he lose his legs? What's happened to him? No, she, that was the wife. She just, she, I think because she was going out instead of in, she, she, she was like, I'm gonna go get some tomatoes. And then her legs got fucked up. Or had she been coming in, I think. Yeah, she'd have no legs. Yeah, well. Which is sexy. What?

Yeah? What? It's sexy, do not have legs. Just to be clear, you did say sexy, correct? Yeah, he said sexy. I did, yeah, sexy, no legs. And you're standing by. I like the less limbs on a Dave. Is this a power thing?

Okay. I can answer yes. Yes, yes. It's very much a value to life. I mean, we've worked with Dave for nearly a decade, yes. Yeah, we do a lot of role play power stuff. Oh no, my legs are getting chucked off. And I call it, I call it.

I know that one, I actually am familiar. I like it. I like it. I know that one. I actually am familiar. I like it. It's actually troubling how much I could picture Dave in that plot line. What about the other one? You need me to reach something for you? Oh, Dave. Something for ya, okay. I can't. I can't.

I can't. Good cool. And we're also brought to you in part by Airbnb. Dave, I love staying at Airbnb's. I've told you this before, my buddies and I get together twice a year and we always find some amazing spots via Airbnb. So, the other thing is maybe you've stayed in Airbnb before

and you've thought to yourself, this actually seems pretty doable. Maybe my place could spots via Airbnb. So the other thing is maybe you've stayed in Airbnb before and you've thought to yourself, this actually seems pretty doable. Maybe my place could be an Airbnb. Well, it could be as simple as starting with a spare room or your whole place when you're away. You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. Or maybe you wanna go somewhere warm over the winter and while you're away, you could Airbnb your home,

make some extra money. Whether you could use the extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun, your home might be worth more than you think, so find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. Okay, women, a woman in her woes. This is a very, there's a lot of, it's a lot of, it's a lot of,

it's a female focus so far. Oh, they weren't fans of them then. No, no, no, I'm not, no I'm not. No I'm not. I'm just, I don't know, there's gotta be an angle and it has to be nefarious no doubt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, here are just a few of the handicaps of the sex.

Oh my God, there's so many. Oh gosh, is this a scroll? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha from using a cigarette case. What? That's number one. She can't use a cigarette case. I'm not saying the gender has shortcomings, but that's first? That's it. If you went back and talked to any woman in 1895, you'd be like, what's first?

And she'd be like, I can't use a cigarette case. I just keep it in my hand. I tried to open it and buckshot went off into my legs. How'd that even happen? Wait a minute, what is second? She is not allowed to make love, but merely to receive the manufactured article? I mean that's...

I'm sorry. That makes perfect sense and is still upheld, okay? Okay. What? What's the article? Say it again. sense and is still up. Okay. Okay. What? What's the article? Say it again.

I think they don't mean make love in the way that we mean sex. I think they're talking about love. I don't think you're right. No. I don't think so. That means sex. I need such a...

I think it's making love. But the second part is manufactured article She's not allowed to make love but merely to receive the manufactured article. I Mean that is is that what that guy calls his dick maybe Would you come upstairs so I could give you the manufactured article? He might have had his penis blown off by Buckshot and then sort of had to put a little, I'm pitching. No, no, that's not, that's not.

Well, you know, when you think enough about what it would be like to be penisless then. Okay. Let's jump ahead. There's a bunch here. about what it would be like to be penisless. Let's jump ahead. There's a bunch here. Fourth, she is unable to go unattended to the theater. Okay. Is that a B? At least that's getting in a more,

what I viewed sexism as back then. It's a little more like, her brain would not be able to comprehend that other people are talking. She'll think's just real. As a man at this time, if a woman goes to the theater unattended, then instead of paying attention to the theater, I have to yell whore the whole time and point at her.

And we'll be right back. So it's not good for me either. Yeah, right. Now, everybody loses. Both of these things are far better than the reason I thought it would be. I just I thought it was because, like, you know, public raping was possible more possible than maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's that. That's bad.

I would suggest that that's true, but it depends on who's writing this. If it's a man writing this, there's no way that's the concern. Oh, true. That don't happen. That's nature. That's her fault.

It honestly doesn't say. That's on her. Why did, that's why she shouldn't have wanted to go. Maybe this is comedy, maybe? It's certainly funny. Seventh, she may not chafe. Chafe? Is it chafe? She may not chafe the waiter at a foreign table, although she knows his language perfectly and longs to take advantage of the chance of showing that she knows it.

Oh, he's- Don't be too smart. The women that I- the act- act that when they know a language, they want to speak it to a guy who also knows the language, I'm so tired of this shit. It's kind of like Sinatra stuff where it's like, hey, I brought you out. Why are you talking to another fella? Yeah. What are you, crazy? I bought you shrimp and now you're looking at another man?

You're talking to a waiter. You're talking to the waiter in another language? I was ordering. I said, that's cargo. Oh, you were ordering. Ooh, la, la. You were ordering. Flirting ain't OK with me.

That's it. We're not going to the theater. Uh, 11th, her ears are steeped in slang when her brothers come home from school, and yet she is obliged to keep her lips from using it. She can't say fuck or shit. Yeah, but what is that? That feels like it, whatever.

But it feels like you would be like, if she is using those words, that's a negative. Not that she has the ability to not use those words. That feels like a positive in that mindset back then. Yeah, I think they're saying she's hearing it, but she can't say it, so that's gotta be. It's frustrating, this guy just can't fathom, he's like, oh, I wanna say fuck,

I wanna say it and I know the word and she knows the word, but she can't say it. She can't, it's so hard for me to be near her when I know she, like the level of victimization of the man. It's hard for me to be around when she heard it, she knows it, she's ruined. She's not pure. 12th, if there is a baby in the house where she is visiting, she is presumed to be unable to talk sensibly about it. Oh my God.

You know women. This column should be called you know you know women right? This is like 80s stand up. There's a baby around you can't even talk to him. They just go back and they start talking baby. Not to mention she was chafing the waiter earlier. Uh, 15, she must not... This is, I mean, how fucking long is this list? She must, 16, there's 16. She must not practice boxing except as regards the ears of her small brothers. This guy really doesn't like her family. She can box, so she can box her brothers around the ears so she can hit her brothers

Right because they're using all that horrible slang. They've picked 16th she's not allowed the privilege of a latch key What? You can't give a woman a key. She can leave and come back. No, no, they could leave they could leave them They they just had the um doggie doors, which was Yeah, yeah, that's where they that's right. It's a dog's face tall. It's not a man's face And thank God the burglar class didn't know about otherwise. God Lord. Yeah, robberies would have just skyrocketed But you guys had goblin doors right and Dave I feel like

I care if you guys had goblin doors right and Dave I feel like It's a I would someone call it aggressive. It's gone from cute and funny and playful It's not where people to what is a goblin door? What's the difference? What's that look like? The difference is you all of your teeth can get through it a lot of us English people will get caught up by trying to enter regular doggy doors because our mouths will make it impossible. You'll go, ooh, your teeth will sort of get caught in. A goblin door has a little malleability

so you're able to sort of sneak your jaws through it. And I said jaws plural. We have multiple, We're like sharks. Thanks for the clarification. No problem. I'm here for that. It felt like you were coming at a sweeter angle as opposed to Dave. Retired grinders.

Finally getting to. Okay. We're finally getting to Oracle about savings. I have that app. Yeah. A whole village of wealth new attains. Yep. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. A whole village of wealth new Italians speaking English with an accent is one of the most astonishing things that Italy offers to the tourists. I agree. They're just enamored by the Italian accent.

You guys, how'd these people speak? And why do you keep on looking at us? Wow, look at them. Oh, these guys. Eating apples just like a human. Say pizza. Say pizza. A pizza.

Why would it please? Go away. We're trying to live our lives. Wow. I said it's a spassy meatball, huh? Stop it. Look at these guys. They're in a cage. Wow. I said it's a spicy meatball, huh? fucking nuts. I can't believe you're real. They are retired organ grinders who have acquired comfortable fortunes in various countries

and have gone back to their beloved native land to live in affluence with their families in this strange little colony, which they have founded among the sweet Italian mountains. Okay, so I'm gonna break this down for you. It is. Thank you. We need, I think I speak for both of us when I say that's necessary.

It is an organ grinder. So it's a guy who's got his little musical instrument. He's got his little monkey or his little suit and they have gone to places like New York and Sydney and London and played music for people on the street. And then the people gave their monkey the money and the monkey gave it to him. And after years, they became rich.

How many people are like, that's for the monkey, not for you? I want the monkey. We're partners. he's a little, he's a partner. No, I wondered if the monkeys spend it the way he sees fish. That's my boy, why you calling my boy a monkey? Stop it. And then they all, and then all the organ grinders came back to Italy and people were like, get the fuck out of here you organ grinder So they made their own little they made their own little colony in the mountains

Not be to not be savagely attacked. Oh, how many Well, the monkeys kept breeding so there's 7400 now So it's oh, oh, are they never monkeys? Yes, because very much generations right of talent and showmanship. Yeah, yeah Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I bet people feel we have to visit this area someday. Yeah By the way monkeys eventually killed all the organ riders. Oh Yeah, then they ate their organs Circle it's the circle of life. It was communism. I would stop it. I would love

Of an organ grinder with a monkey partner that to me Well, Gareth This is what I'm going to call a tough moment, but a fair one. What? Man, I... It's okay, you're the monkey. I think we... It's alright.

Oh, even weirder. You don't know that. I got to take a bite. You guys keep going. I'm going to take... I'm going to go buy a bag of cigarettes in the lobby. I hope they still sell them. Are you good?

You spend that monkey money? The way you do it. I'm going to go buy a bag of cigarettes in the lobby. I'm'm gonna go buy a bag of cigarettes in the lobby. I hope they still sell them. Are you good? You spend that monkey money. You want it. And it's important that the monkey thinks he's not the monkey. That's been very important in the success.

Yeah, for sure. Okay, this headline is just, and she believed him. Wow. She is what she said. She I don't see why you will keep on paying 15 cents for cigars when you can get ones just as pretty for five. He I know they are just as pretty, but those five cents ones are cigars that have soured. You wouldn't buy soured fruit just because it was cheaper,

would you? Wow. So, what is this? This is the man's plain times. This is a woman's plain and idiot. This is a newspaper. It's just everything. Again, once again, I have to break down to a woman being an idiot. It's just a newspaper. It's just everything. Again, once again, I have to break down to a woman

that cigars don't last forever, much like your favorite little strawberries. You know what? Tell her about fruit, and maybe she'll understand cigars. I would like an entire column just telling you all about the times women were so dumb so dumb oh my god when speaking to the woman analogize fruit as often as possible yes that's the only thing they get I guess

I wouldn't buy sour fruit if it was cheaper. Well, thank you. Now go back to your room. You came out to get it and made a fool of yourself again. I'm sorry. Oh no, a baby's nearby. Goo, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo. Goo, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo. Meanwhile, men are booby trapping back doors with buck shot, being like, let us figure out the world

But we did the women did they were like he's got this obviously See that and I think that's I yeah, it's the enablers that got us into this mess. We all knew who we were. It was not gonna get in our well. I don't think we've ever had a paper that has been so one note of mansplaining, right? This one is, this feels like this guy started a paper because

he's like instead of getting divorced yeah I'm starting a paper it's called shut up Diane the paper shut up Diane five cents shut up Diane five Five cents! Shut up, Diane! Five cents! Get you shut up, Diane. Oh, wow. You can have the manufactured article. Ooh. Yeah, see, that makes sense. If the writer is the one naming his dick that,

it's like he's this artsy writer kind of guy. This all makes sense. Yeah, yeah. I think all of our speculation. Yeah, it's accurate. Um, particular about his funeral, a Topeka man's precautions against mortuary chestnuts. What? What? A

Tobicaman of a practical turn of mind has made a will regulating his own funeral. A friend who is a parson, parson? What's a parson? I don't know. That's some sort of funeral thing, is to come from a distance and say a prayer. Another friend who is not a parson, not even a church member, is to take a short talk. Another friend who is a woman and a sweet singer is to request three musical friends

to join her in singing appropriate hymns. Another friend. Yeah, another friend who learned the keyboard. And a man with a banjo will enter, but everyone pretends like he's uninvited. He is invited. A young fellow who learned the keyboard while on the road for a music house is to preside at the organ. The undertaker is not to wear a plug hat or a big diamond stud or a dressy Prince Albert coat.

What? That's a real curmudgeon. No, he wants to be the star of the show. stud or a dressy Prince Albert Coke. He wants to come. Imagine, no, he wants to be the star of the show. It's OK. Yeah, he does. You're right. On the dead. It's his last chance. That's fair. It's true. By the way, is there a better thing in the world than he will never know?

Just to be like, did they do it? Sorry, you did, Jack. Oh. He used to be modest and humble, giving the corpse a chance for public attention. It's less chance. The Falcon must eat a baby. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

The pawbearers are not to be labeled. No labels for the pawbearers, please. They will be distinguishable from the corpse by the fact that they will be alive that yep they're the guys guys really gets how it all hey hey are you guys the corpses no no you see how we're standing up holding yeah okay we're just trying to find the body and we don't know where it is. Oh, that got taken away by a giant falcon came in and got it off. Oh, OK, great.

So just as he requested. Yeah. The Pauldbears must be good fellows, too. Bright fellows and they're requested to beguile the way to the grave with cheerful anecdotes of their dead friends. While they're walking with the body. I tell you one time. Yeah.

Yeah. I would tell you about the time when we thought we lost the dollar, but we actually found it. Oh yeah, and then he was the guy who had it. Yep. All right, let's put him in the ground. Throw him in. None of them were made. It's not diss's put him in the ground. Throw him in. None of them were me.

It's not dissimilar from what I want. I mean, I... I want a really good lineup, obviously. Yep. I like the theatrics. Yeah, maybe. I like the specificity of the keyboard player. He's a child. He just came off the road and he's good.

People are talking, okay? I still am, man. I'm still the guy who won't just tie me to the and he's good. People are talking, okay? People are talking, he's enough to cover this kid. I'm still the guy who won't just tie me to the back of a truck and then just drive across the street. Dave's been pretty clear for a while. We're all really excited for when Dave dies. Yeah, that sounds not traumatic. We're gonna have the funeral for the family

and then the real one. And then the real one, yeah. We're gonna have the funeral for Dave's family where his son can grieve and then I'll be like all right And then I'm gonna type to the back of a truck and just drive him as far as he goes We have like friends. I want it. I Like friends and family chase me. I want the casket to be yeah Well, no the casket will be in the ground, but I want a breakaway end

So you tie my legs and then you literally pull me out of the of the grave And everyone just claps. The body is trapped through this. You need to shut down the cemetery on this day for this one. And really let the local authorities know the plan, get some permits. Maybe, but that's also part of the fun is the chase. Well, for you.

Yeah, it's going to be really exciting to just slowly watch you go. Yeah. It'll be good for the wildlife. 100%. I'm excited to just slowly watch you go. Yeah. It'll be good for the wildlife. None of them, yeah it's gonna be great. 100% put it back into the system, back right back in the system. Yeah, right, yeah, get them on the road where, yeah. At that point I believe humans will be eating humans,

so it really is full circle. Humans wildlife? Well they are in America. I'm predicting they will be in this country. Okay, that's fair, I haven't been over. You people think you have Mad Max on lockdown. We're going to get there first. Nice try. Oh, yeah, for sure.

It's ours. Okay. God. Running out of water. You'll do that before us. Go ahead, Dave. I just love our country. None of them may wear gloves

and a man whose hands sweat is barred. So you can't wear gloves. Paul Bearer. Oh, well yeah, you don't want a greasy-handed Paul Bearer. Yeah. But you can prevent that by letting them wear gloves. Well, unfortunately, I don't know if you've heard about my second rule.

Well, gloves are pretty showy. Yeah, yeah. That's true. Sorry. That's the running thing. You're gonna have to do a run to see how, yeah. And how sweaty are your hands right now? I'm afraid you passed the IQ test, but your hands are a little drippy.

Yeah, I got what's known as wet hand. Yeah, and by the way, we might want to change the name of this Medical condition. No, it makes sense. Oh my father had wet hand and now I have wet hand stop You know, he's telling I've touched something because it's just wet Go now Go ahead and put her there, buddy I can say go ahead and put her there buddy Like going in a pool right?

It is an a hand Yeah Grips and signs swords feathers and bands are prohibited Jesus Christ no bands are swords What's the point of going to a funeral? What? No swords or feathers. Yeah, no feathers. No feathers. Just showing up with your pillows.

What am I? Why I got all these furia feathers? What am I supposed to do? What what? Oh, I didn't read the fine print. Fuck. Yeah, that's on you. You should have brought the artificial. Four turkeys for today. So you are covered in feathers. Please leave. Yeah, I am.

Well, I'm dressed like a big turkey for the funeral. I thought it'd be fun. Nobody told him and you did the traditional thing. So it's not on you. Yeah, I believe I'm not at fault here. I'm the one who came dressed like a turkey feathers and all, I did not know. No, I mean, when you got out of the car,

you saw no one else was covered in feathers. It is Thanksgiving, this is the message of Thanksgiving. Right, right, right, right. Damn turkey. The person who shall say the first prayer shall say the last and sprigs of myrtle. I guarantee you people were so glad this guy died. Oh yeah.

I mean, this is such an annoying funeral. You're gonna be like, hell, one last hurdle and then we're done with Clark. I can't believe no one went to his funeral. It doesn't make any sense. What you couldn't. He knows about. I don't want people there with faces. Yeah, no blinking. There'd be no blinking. The Paul Bears are to line up and witness the closing of the grave. All the funeral arrangements are to be in charge of another friend, a woman who shall comfort the family and see that chumps keep away from the house.

That brownies be not permitted to sit up with the corpse. Oh boy, what? Well, that's, oh, I think they mean like people who want to hang out and party with the corpse telling stories late into the night. Oh, okay. That's what I would imagine. But they're not allowed to hang out with the corpse telling stories late into the night. Oh, okay.

That's what I would have meant. But they're not allowed to hang out with the... Sit up with the corpses like in parentheses. So they're like saying like people who wanna hang out for a long time and have a good time with them. Yeah, you know people that wanna like hang out with dead bodies, it's like... Yeah.

I mean, I'm Irish so I get the wake. It's a wake of the corpse. Now we're stepping into my funeral fantasy, which is, yeah, after I'm done, then you take me out, and then I get another 12 photos taken. Oh, yes. I want a beer funnel, all that sort of stuff. Smoking some weed.

I want acid put on my tongue. That's cool. Strip me naked at some point. Yeah, I really want to go my tongue. That's cool. Strip me naked at some point. Yeah, I really want to go for it. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah. So just, now it's on record. I know you guys are acting like it's weird stuff.

No, no, no, no. That's fine. Comedy, I'm just kind of getting on record with what my wishes are. That's good to know. Thank you. Uh, she, this is the woman still, the friend. Uh, she shall receive flowers. Uh, if any, friends may bring in,

oh, she may receive flowers, if any, friends may bring in. Return thanks for them in writing and request the newspapers not to call them floral offerings. That makes me like. She can do a lot of work then. Hey, the worst person alive died. Just so everybody's aware, worst guy ever. But he's still getting a paper. Yeah, right? Yes, you can do the thank you notes, right?

Any woman? Jesus, dare I call it progress? I don't know. Yeah, she can write, she's allowed, she's empowered to some extent to accept something, it feels like, you know, bold for the time. That's true. She shall also detach cards from these pretty remembrances and preserve them for this family.

This person is overestimating how many flowers are gonna be coming. Yeah, big time the coffin Shall not be called a casket Must not wear the appearance of a floral bargain counter What a cheap he doesn't want she he doesn't want cheap flowers She doesn't want he wants nice floral arrangement, but not be called floral arrangements.

What's nice bouquets? He sounds like me on my birthday. Is that Moss grown? This is, this is. Such a brag. He's very much like a sweet 16th funeral. Which is my birthday, my recent birthday. I am 16, obviously.

Yes, right. Our youngest guest. Yes, right. Yeah, you are youngest guest. Yes, yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. That moss grown title head, the last sad rights must not appear over the newspaper accounts of the funeral.

You don't have a choice in what the fucking editor of the paper is right. Yeah, you do. No. Yeah. If you don't ask, you can't get. the papers, right? Yeah, you do. No! Yeah. If you don't ask, you can't get, okay? Yeah, exactly, Dave. That's it.

Alright, alright, alright. Um, and having done this last kind service... Jesus Christ! It's almost over. In fairly good... I feel like I want to die. It is. In fairly good English and short sentences, City editors are requested to turn again their attention to life and the beautiful world leaving the dead man to make his own way across the Dark River

Hey, look newspaper guys I know you're all gonna get just totally into me and my body and how I died and shit But I want all the papers to start talking about other stuff because I'm dead now so I want you guys to come out of the news. I want you guys to cover the news. I know. It's crazy that I died. I'm gone. Get over it.

Yeah, Jesus Christ. Christ. Honestly, I think this guy fucks. This is wild confidence. You mean he gives the manufactured article. Of course, of course. Yes. Yeah. I mean, that, like to have a death writer?

Holy shit. That's full. That's all. That is crazy. That is. Holy shit. That was fucking nuts. I really, I would love to get this guy's name and find out when and how he died and how soon after

this publication it was. And how much was this followed? Like, I think he was killed from this, surely, or something. Absolutely, absolutely, by Big Feather, someone from the Feather company was like, shut the fuck up. Neganus for long enough, Al. There'll be no swords, no feathers, no greasy, pombed weirdos.

That's a poem. Yeah. Oh, here's an article for Gareth. Artificial teeth. Where? Where do false teeth come from? Oh, artificial teeth. Where? Where do false teeth come from?

This is going to be horrible. Said a well-known bone importer. Hello. I'm haunting. Hey, has Jeff and his new job? It's pretty horrible to be quite honest with you. Hey honey, you gotta see these new bones! Oh, look at all these fevers! Oh, I'm as happy as a clam!

Oh my god. We're coming down to the start today, the new bones are in Oh Well hi there mister, what kind of occasion are you bone chopping for? I've got a bone perfect for birthdays Okay And let me ask you this, Is your husband a TV-man? Where do you false teeth come from? Said a well-known bone importer echoing a question that a time-

Nobody asked. That a T.S. that no one had said. I was actually just telling you we're closing down soon. It looks to the bits of bone to make teeth out of you say. No, nobody is actually, what? Equing a question that a Times reporter put to him, wouldn't you like to know? Most people I imagine think that all the false teeth

are made from ivory. That is quite a mistaken idea. As the majority of false teeth are now made from everything But I free Large quantities of walrus tusks for no other purpose than they may be made into false teeth And we hate will cover it right? Yeah Yeah Right? Yeah, the amount of walruses that have had to die for my mouth. Yeah. You go into some big dental establishment

where teeth are made and you will doubt. Imagine a big dental establishment in 1895. That's a lot of blood on the walls. Yeah, I'm pretty good. We make teeth out of everything, whatever you want. Everything. Yeah, we made teeth out of my physical assistant. Bring anything in.

I'll turn it into a tooth. What's that, a boy? Bring him over here. I'll turn him into a tooth. Come on. Is that your cat? Oh, you want a cat tooth? I actually started making teeth out of teeth.

Huh? What? I actually started making teeth out of teeth. What? I need to be stopped. You go into some big dental establishment where teeth are made and you will doubtless find the remains of walrus tusks lying around and a highly polished tooth made from a walrus tusk is just as handsome, although not so lasting as an ivory one. Wow.

A dentist once came to me for an elephant's tusk from which a good set of teeth might be made for a wealthy client of his. He was to spare no expense. He and his mouth can only have the best Dusk. I found him a tusk, which, being an especially good one, I sold for 13.50 a pound, the usual price being 2.50 to 5.50 a pound. Okay. I afterward learned that the dentist made $500 out of that set of teeth. That's a lot of money for back then.

That's a lot. That's a shitload of money. back. That's a lot of money. And so it's just tucks, tusk poaching for teeth, essentially. Where didn't they? I guess this was a war this they were making them out of horse water. Well, also people member would. So when. Yes, when would they did it first, but those didn't last long.

When Napoleon was defeated, you couldn't go underwater with them. Go ahead, Dave. There were what were known as waterloo teeth because they went out and they pulled the teeth out of all the soldiers and then they would put them in people's head. Well, that's pretty small teeth were sought after. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A waterloo. Yeah.

No, it was way better. It was a better way to do it. Yeah. It goes on. This is hard. And Dave, when way to do it, honestly. Yeah. It goes on. It's hard to guess. And Dave, when you pass, I am taking your tea. Absolutely. I just pick him up off the road, as I always say.

Yeah, it'll be easy. Yeah, yeah. I'll just have my boy do it. Or your boy, I guess. Our boy. A lawyer's two cigars. Down... A down East lawyer had a rough, a tough case on hand

at a recent term of court. And before it came on, laid his forefinger to his nose and evolved an idea. Again, a lot of this stuff has been written. You don't have to do the first part. You can just go with the idea part. You don't have to explain that he like. But would you listen to someone who did exactly,

just what Chloe, where you're like, you know, I've got it. I've got it. Hear me out. Well, they wouldn't take me seriously, if I didn't put my finger on my nose. Gentlemen, I have something that needs to be thought about. Okay, I understand what you're saying,

but I'm a little distracted by your finger being on your nose. I will now continue a visual gag for a podcast. Now there's two fingers on your nose and I have to say more distracting. More distracting. I respect you actually. We make teeth out of elephant. What?

Yeah. At my funeral, no one can bring feathers. Okay. Great idea. Thank you for coming in. Take care. To the grocery store. See you later.

This is a Wendy's. Wow. Wow. Okay, so here's the lawyer's idea. The presiding judge loved a good cigar and the lawyer's happy thought was to Prop it It's not proposition. Although that might be what they meant proposition him and and make him Friendly to his case by treating him to the best the market afford. So he's gonna buy a fucking cigar.

I cannot believe that long of a sentence and an idea just led to give the guy a cigar, because he likes them. Yeah, I'm gonna buy the judge a cigar to get some favor. I've got an idea. You're not gonna believe me. So I've noticed the judge has an affinity for cigars.

I'm hoping you're going somewhere good with this. What if in an ultimate twist of bribery? No, no, no, in the out. Ha ha ha ha ha. I hate this article. The man thinks he invented bribery. Wait until the disciple of Blackstone was not in the habit of smoking good cigars himself.

He wanted the sour, cheap ones like the woman. He's talking about the judge. He calls him the disciple of Blackstone. So when he bought a 25-centre to offer the court, he bought a Sherrut for his own use. Ard with these, he sauntered into the judge's room and after a little chat passed out a cigar, asking the judge if he smoked,

and the court accepted gracefully but before many whiffs were drawn the horrified lawyer discovered he had given the judge the share root and was puffing the Havana himself like a fucking animal. Oh, fuck. All right, all right, all right. It's like I'm the shit human. That's what this feels like. By the way, this genius had one job to keep track of two cigars. He fucked that up.

It's because he didn't have his finger on his nose anymore. That's right. He can't. It's like Dumbo's feather. Yep, idiot. The judge politely tried to look pleased as the smoking proceeded, but the lawyer has since made no attempts to bribe the court. Wow.

I mean, that is a long article about a guy who fucked up the easiest bribe that he thinks he invented ever. Yeah, but as if you wouldn't be thinking about that, like that's one of those things that keeps you up at night. You go, fuck. Yeah, those things that keeps you up at night. And you go, fuck. You're the one, those things that you have like years later, you're like, dad, I really blew that.

Really just right hand was Havana. I just really should have. Honey, come to bed. I will. I just, things could have been better. Are you thinking about the cigar again? Yeah, I gave him the Cher route and like an idea honey. That was four years ago

I know yeah, but just fuck Could have been better could have had a better family. I it was bad that it wasn't all the papers Yeah, no, it's you can't believe what a boring paper it must have been What that's just the times it It was the times that's right. Anyway well that's the shut up Diane paper for you. Okay. I mean my name's Diane so.

Maybe I should be. Stop talking. I'm pretty much done with this like whole thing so stop. I'm just saying maybe. I'm gonna much done with this like whole thing so stop. I'm just saying maybe I'm gonna close the door Don't literally don't say another thing because it'll be a difficult thing, okay, so Okay, it says don't say okay. Don't need me to confirm that you're done I'm outside now. Having a cigar?

No, I'm in another, I'm at my brother's like two towns away. So you're talking like crazy. Here's a headline, dogs could preach. Wow. I have a dog said a minister who had just heard a precocious story who was very sagacious. One Sunday he followed me to church and sat among the people and watched my movements in the pulpit. The dog was like, wow, he's good. Look at this fucking guy. That's great. I'm hoping his movements just mean gestures. That afternoon, I heard a terrible howling

in my backyard, you're picking up. That afternoon, I heard a terrible howling in my backyard and of course, wait to see what it meant. This is insane. It's not. This is. This is true story.

This is absolutely fucking nuts. This guy's about to say that he made his dog a preacher. Hear him out, This is from God. Also this is what the people want. I'm sorry but this is good news. This is what the people want. I get that is actually. I get that is actually. I get that is actually. I'm tired of the bad cigar stories. They're bumming me out. I agree. As a readership you'd be like finally this paper found its way. I know there's a dog preaching. its way. I know there's a dog preaching. I found my dog was in a wheelchair standing on his high legs in a dry goods box. Another dog's like, not dried bads. That's how you know it's not good to God. By the way, my dry bats business is done. Nobody wants dry bats.

He held down a torn almanac with one paw and just gesticulated with the other. While he swayed his head and howled to an audience of four other dogs Even more sadly than I had done in the morning. This is insane This is not insane. This is what happened fucking awesome. This is yes. This is fucking awesome. She Chloe nailed it. No, this is the greatest story ever. Please tell me there's more. And behind him, another dog was nailed to a cross. Right. Oh.

Yeah. So that's a dog story. No. Does it need to be more? The dog is as church. The dog has church. Far, far, far, far. That's exciting.

All right, you got one more in you, Dave? Oh all we're down to one, huh? I think so. Yeah Find a good one here. I have to get to conference room B soon Soon and a Tov come on. Well, we close it Well, we close it with burglar news. Okay. The retired burglar. He finds it hard to accustom himself to ordinary hours of living.

My chief trouble now, said the retired burglar, is about my hours. I have been so long accustomed to working nights and sleeping days that I find it difficult to change back to the hours of other folks. This is another lie. This article is not real. What? This is not real.

What are you talking about? This is crazy. The idea that a burger is like, you see, now I have to live vampire life. Now I have to get up in the morning and eat breakfast? Yes. I'm a burglar. Now I have to get up in the morning and eat breakfast? I'm a burglar. That's also this paper at the start of it was basically completely assuming that burglars wouldn't touch the thing. And now we've got a burglar writing for the paper.

This is us. Yes, yes. Doesn't add up. You can't be like, we're trying to get in the mind of a burglar and then at the end be like, in the mind of a burglar. Yeah, he says he's frustrated. I'm unable to get back into the real world.

Yeah, he says he's- It's not like he's been at the penitentiary for 50 years. He says he's just gonna keep on trying until I get my hours shipped it around again like other people's. All right, I'll find the last story that's not You say I'm just an interview with a made-up man that guy Didn't have anything

Here's a headline a raft of rats drawn by fire. Now we're talking. Yeah, but it's good. It is an indisputable fact that fire will draw rats, said Lucy Simmons. And by the way, let's not push back on that factor. No. Rats love fire. Love fire. I've never seen a movie with a guy who's got a torch and he's in a sewer. Rats love fire. Love fire. Love it.

Have you ever seen a movie with a guy who's got a torch and he's in a sewer and he's waving around the torch? The rats come to him. Well, and what are the ones, the number one complaint of firefighters? All the rats. It's just their show. It's a broad way to them. No! Don't write the talk. During a recent big fire near the riverbank in St. Louis, a fire brigade acted the part of the Pied Piper and

with the assistance of the flames drove out of their hiding places into the Mississippi as many rats as did the mythological musician. While the water was lighted by the reflection of the conflagration, a black mass was seen floating towards the east shore of the river. This proved to be some thousands of rats. Rat King! Yes!

Yeah, this is... Yes! Yes! The prophecies were real. And this is what the dog preacher's been barking about the whole time. All right, all right, all right. They were healed by their chieftain, the extraordinary large black fellow and finding their... I'm assuming they're talking about a rat. I am hoping.

They've got to be talking about a large rat. I'm honestly shocked there hasn't been more racism so far, so I'm gonna... It's been a real pleasure, but we're very close at the end there. And of course they were led by a big black man. So far, so I'm gonna Look who went all st. Louis on us. Yeah This is insane. Let's say that don't get mad at me. Okay, they were headed by their chief than an extraordinarily large black fellow and finding their quarters Attacked by the flames had taken to the river for self-preservation The current carried them considerable distance out of their course So they're just like a big mass of floating rats. Yeah

Yeah, you don't know a rat king come on.. Yeah, yeah, obviously. No, you make a good point. Um, the current carried them considerable distance out of their course and during their passage some hundreds. The idea that the guys like, they obviously knew where they were going and the current messed with that a little bit. Not where they were headed, trust me. I'm a rat.

I speak to rats. I was talking to the rats. And their big black friend. Jeff. Jeff. And during their passage, some hundreds of them were drowned. Spectators on the bridge made bets on the race, but they were all cleared off because on the Illinois side,

there was no landing place handy for the fatigued rats. And as far as could be seen, with the exception of the fellows, the whole bunch perished in the river. With the exception of the fellows? What? Yeah. The bitches died, okay?

All the women, the dumb women rats are dead. We're pretty sure, cause they can't swim. You know what they were like. They were looking for discounts on fruit and things like that. There was a baby. There was a baby crying and they got all googoo-ga-ga. Did they seriously just say all the-

I mean, they just said all the lady rats died. Yeah. It's a fine thing. The game is on us. I don't know what just happened. Nobody ever does at the end of these. Chloe, thank you for joining us. Thank you.

Thanks for having me. Will you say your Instagram so people can go watch clips of your podcast and start listening to that as well? Yeah, yeah, totally. My Instagram is my name, Chloe Madron, but the podcast is called The Friend Request. That's also on Instagram. There's clips of that, or you can listen to the whole podcast

if you've got a longer attention span, but most people don't, so. No, we're finding that. It's really been good for our business for sure. Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you for joining us. And Dave, as usual, go fuck yourself. Okay.

Wow. Dave's the part. You know when I'm talk to you like that? Partnership. That's, don't trust me. I'm having it is my my funeral directions that he'd not be allowed to say that at the feeling that's and dressed like a turkey yeah also wait not be allowed to dress

like a turkey or do dress no no there's certain things I want to let because that could be easily confused yeah and I feel like Garth you're gonna maybe dress like a turkey. No, no turkey at my funeral. I think he's gonna wear a turkey. What are you doing? What are you doing with your nose? No, you don't have an idea. Thank you, Chloe. Some of these days, you'll miss me honey. Some of these days.

And we're also brought to you in part by Airbnb. Dave, I love staying at Airbnb's. I've told you this before, my buddies and I get together twice a year and we always find some amazing spots via Airbnb. So the other thing is maybe you've stayed in Airbnb before and you've thought to yourself, this actually seems pretty doable.

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