The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 6. Ronny Chieng: The Past Times

Episode Date: December 16, 2022

Since the first American newspaper was published in 1690, millions more have been printed.  This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian and actor Ronny Chieng. New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday.

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through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week Ronnie Chang. Hello Ronnie. Hey good to see you guys man. I haven't seen you in so long. I know. It's been a long time. It's been a long time. You look the exact same and we look worse. We look worse. Well I you guys look the same and I went through a bad period and then I came back out and so you to you from your perspective. The same. We didn't see the beard or the long nails or your jars of urine in the room. Ronnie I know there's you said there's nothing you want to promote but people should. Ronnie's

doing a lot of stuff. You're on Young Rock. You're doing something new now but then I would also say that Ronnie's last Netflix special is one of the best Netflix specials so people really it's so goddamn funny. So people should check that out. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Me and it really do. And since we've man I don't think I've seen you since I oh yeah we did. We did a show in Brooklyn together a few years ago. Yeah. You know something that Desi Lydic on The Daily Show speaks very highly of you man. Yeah I slowly but surely I'll know everyone on The Daily Show. I'm really that's how that's I will be nowhere but

I will be like I know all the correspondents. Yeah you guys are killing it. What's going on this podcast man while you guys keep doing podcasts. Unfortunately we can't all be on Young Rock. So just get on TV. I know it sounds really like it sounds easy for sure. It's just not as easy. I don't well this one is brought because Dave goes through these old papers and he was just like sometimes they're just so fucking funny. Yeah and then we just were like well we don't really use that necessarily on this on the dollop. So it's just sort of felt like a nice tangent to it. And again we can't get on the Young Rock. So can't

get on the Young Rock. So hard thing. All right David whenever you're ready. All right. So this week I picked The Times of Richmond Virginia February 28th 1901. Yeah. It was. Yeah. Just invented newspapers. Yeah. They just avoided 9 2 K. Page one. Remarkable escape. Lynchburg Virginia. Mr. Leonard Schaener while crossing the bridge leading over to Amherst early this morning decided to take a nap on the plank walk and in the midst of a slump part dog. He's he was walking across the bridge and he was like I'm a little tired. I'm gonna take a nap in the middle of the bridge. You see most of us have

felt the sensation of tired. We just go I got to go to where my stuff is. No but if it's there's a nice plank and you're like I could easily feel what could go wrong is what you say to yourself. It's a bridge. It's a plank. Yeah. Park yourself down. Sure. Nap on a bridge. Are they are they pictures in this thing. I wish. Oh that'd be amazing. Yeah. And in the midst of his slumber rolled under the iron railing and fell on the rocks near the water's edge. I mean this is why we flagged it. This is why we didn't need to hear the conclusion. This is a crazy decision. This is why you don't just go bridge napping. You don't do

bridge kips. I mean especially back in those days. I mean these days maybe but those days the bridges want you know that was that bridges like a 50-50 proposition. Yeah. Even when it's finished. Yeah. You know like they didn't know. They didn't know what's going on. They're like all right we built this as best as we know how using the technology. We left a bunch of holes above the rocks like you guys said to. Good smart. Can make sure that there's the big gaps there. About the size of a person curled. So he fell between 30 and 40 feet below. Oh man. I mean if you ever thought of a bunk bed it's terrifying. Yeah. And he

didn't even fall in the water. 25 bunk beds. Yeah. It's not specified if you actually fell asleep right. He could have still been lounging. Yeah. Nobody knows. Well. Did the man. Did he survive. Well several hours later he was found in an unconscious condition. And I had the craziest dream. I was back when all my bones worked. Also how long was this bridge. You had to take a nap half way. Honestly he's not a bridge that long. It's a hell of a bridge huh. I might have to get his tent going. He is now in hospital with slim chances of recovery. His escape from instant death was miraculous. Mr.

Schaener was on his way home at the time of the accident. Oh so he wasn't a homeless dude. He had a place to go. Yeah. Indian. Did I hear that correctly. He didn't make it. Slim chance of survival doesn't. Yeah. Slim chance. He's probably not going to make it. He did. He didn't fall 40 feet under rocks which they generally asleep. So the preparation to hit them was like you know you're just sleep. He was a flaccid human. Well you know that's the way you survive those things is by relaxing. Yeah. That's true. That's what Dave what was the headline of this one again because I don't think it's right. You don't think

the headline is right. No. No. Remarkable escape. No you're right. It's remarkable. A guy died sleeping on a bridge and falling off of it. And they're like how do we condense this. Nothing can die this way. What umbrella is this perfectly. Sounds like you kind of escaped. He did no way didn't he Jim. What. Yeah. And is there any indication was this like front page or was this just you know page. It's just a front. It's just one of the tons of stories on on the page. It is the front page. Yeah. It is a page. Yeah. OK. But it's it's just that you know they just crammed them all in back then. There's like a million stories on the front

order is always strange. This is where you're on page four. We'll be like that's the front. You know president assassinated page eight. I'm going to escape from a bridge by sleeping through it. Also they didn't have great. I'm sorry. I'm just very interested in the aesthetics of this newspaper. They didn't have like great like design aesthetics as you were saying right. It's kind of like everything's like just just you know. It looks like a word document just all crammed together with little stories like it's just crazy ransom paper. Virginia 1901. Yeah. Yeah. Here's one off the off the wire. Made a big hall. Associated

Press. New York. A burglary in which the thieves secured 30,000 worth of jewelry from the residence of Francis Hoffman. A producer exchange broker Tuesday is announced. Wait. I just love that they put it is announced at the end. It's like the birth of a child except you know it's just a burglary. It's a robbery. Okay. I guess they announced everything in those days. That was the yeah. There was not enough. There was not enough. There was like anything. It was like man's pants fell like a man's pants fell Thursday evening and everybody was quite shocked. It makes it somehow. Can you believe that. It's crazy. And also a

man escaped from his pants. Also this is New York City. Like you figure this is not even news in those days. This would be like burglary. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You would think. Yeah. Here's some here's a little racism. If you can believe that in 1901. A manned constitution. Important bill in the North Carolina legislature. An important bill was introduced in the Senate today by Senator London to amend the Constitution. The subject of the bill is to make it legal for the white property owners to tax themselves for the education of white children alone and thereby lengthen the present school terms without being compelled to devote

any proportion of the extra tax towards the maintenance of long terms for degroschools. Oh America. How do you never change. It's amazing because that really pits whitey's greed versus whitey's racism and he's like I'd rather tax myself. It's like all right. Wow. This is how much I love. This is how much I hate black people. I want to tax me. You are really. It's rare. Yeah. Even even the whole phrasing of that is so it's so like matter of fact. Yeah. You know that really is. Yeah. Oh yeah. It sounds so much like how they do it today too. Like there's just totally racist shit but they'll just be like a bill earmarked in

order to bring people close. You're just like we understand. It's being the senator from Virginia's bill. Yeah. I think I think in 120 years they they have improved a bit in that they no longer say whites and negroes. Yeah. The language has got the way they hide it's gotten way better. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't sound bad. They didn't say Negro which is nice. Yeah. There's on page two. There's an entire section just called with the sick that talks about people who are sick. Oh fucking eight. I mean like reading that you'd be like how's breakfast like not good. Leverese is really up. Page two. Yeah. Right up there.

John Bethel's condition last night was extremely critical. He seemed during yesterday to be growing gradually weaker. That's the whole family email. Yeah. It's really crazy. Z Williams of 812 North 27th Street is recovering from a recent attack of the grip. Does anybody know what the grip is? No. Is that sounds like sounds like a really headsy. Yeah. Yeah. Recovering. Oh it's the flu. Oh. So he's like in the grips of the flu. It must be. The grip. The grip. What. Yeah. What city is this. This is Richmond, Virginia. So yeah. So it's literally just Mrs. Weeks superintendent of the retreat for the sick has recovered from her recent

illness is on duty once again. It's just talking about it's and there's like 20. There's just 20. What's. What are there any crazy ones. I mean. No. A guy fell off a bridge. He clearly he should he's in some sort of. Yeah. That guy that guy should be up top. That guy would really be great to get an update here. Yeah. It's just all Miss Mosley is quite sick at her home with the grip. Oh everything's the grip. Yeah. The flu. We got Alice. This is very weather has a sore throat. Alice Crutchfield is recovering from an eight week attack of typhoid fever. So there's some serious. Balls hurt. So now in all these papers there's a lot of racism. Yeah.

Well there's racism but there's a lot of written articles. Bad headlines. Orders. Adds. Adds for cures of ailments. Oh love it. Sure. Anything for the grip because everyone in town has it. Yo I remember when I was in in law school quick quick brag humble brag. Like there was a case. There's a famous case about the early 1900s called a carboxy carcabolic acid versus V. V. The government or whatever and what happened was that people sued this company that was selling carbonated drinks as a cure to the flu and the ads were all you know. So I'd be really I really be interested if there was any ads for like soda. Oh that's interesting.

All right. I'll look to see if there are any when I go through this. Yeah. Carbolic acid. Really good for you. This one. This is just a big headline that says blood poison a specialty. Primary secondary. What. Just to me it wouldn't be surprised that they're selling blood poisoning. Primary secondary or tertiary syphilis permanently cured in 15 to 30 days. You can be treated at home for the same price under the same guarantee. If you prefer to come here we will contact a contract to pay Red Road fare and hotel bills at no charge if we fail to cure. If you have taken a mercury iodine potash and still have aches and pains

amucous patches in mouth sore throat pimples copper colored spoils ulcers on any part of the body. Boyle hair and eyebrows falling out. Oh my gosh. It is this sephidic blood poison that we can guarantee to cure. We solicit the most obstinate cases cases and challenge the world for a case we cannot cure. This disease has always baffled the skill of most eminent physicians. 500,000 capital behind our unconditional guarantee. Absolute proofs sent sealed an application to cover any company. Back in the day man they were curing everything like they they were like in I think if I heard correctly they are

advocating mercury as a cure for syphilis right. Yeah. So you know they're trying to test like put our put our claims to a test. Drink on mercury we guarantee that you will cure your syphilis. Oh. And back in those days man. And that list of symptoms like Jesus Christ. That's really fucking horrifying. I mean I was upset with the eyebrows falling out. Oh that would be the worst. Yeah I'd be like she can't be surprised anymore doctor. I would 100% I feel like I would 100% have syphilis back in my time. Well good news for you there was a cure back in that time. Absolutely baby. I have a feeling I'd be like well the eyebrows aren't coming back

doc and he'd be like that's fine that's fine. I also love that these guys these guys were like you know hyper modern they came to your house like we don't when we barely had that now where doctors come to your house and I will come to you and treat you you know like we 120 years was still trying to perfect the you know concierge doctor service. I bet you WebMD back them everything like you know how everything's cancer now everything would have been syphilis. And your nose would fall off too wouldn't it? Yeah. So your nose is. No like you're just like Mr. Potato Head or sorry Potato Head. But you are you're just like I should get my ears before we go to the supper let me

just pop those in. It's no good. No good. Well this is just there's no headline it's just a blurb in the middle of the paper. Dave Dave for that ad is there any indication of price? No no indication of price they usually don't. They still got a phone number that's live. Just give them a call. When ex-congressman Culberson of Texas was in Detroit the other day he caught a bad cold. Well I'm sorry sorry that's for page two I don't know what this what are we doing here. We're on page four now. That's page two we'd page two we do the inconsequential medical updates. If I were at home he said my wife would get out a piece of flannel and my mother-in-law who is an angel would make me a horrible mixture of vinegar onion

suet and mullion. I would put I would be put to bed and when I woke up I would be well it is a horrible mixture but I wish I was at home. That's the whole story. That's no headline. So the whole story it's headlineless and it is essentially that this guy wishes his mother he could have his mother-in-law's onions. Yeah pretty much. He also gives a cure for the grip right there so people on page two reading page four. And that should be front page news grip cure. Yeah grip cure was I don't know what is a piece of flannel me though. Well I think I don't know what a piece of flannel is either. A cloth. They probably have to do. Maybe maybe a cloth on his head to cool him down. I mean I don't believe me I'm reaching. He also he also mentioned an ingredient there what was that onion

and something. Oh there were a bunch of ingredients. He said vinegar onion suet and I don't know what this is suet and then m-u-l-l-e-i-n moulin. I have no idea what those things are. I have absolutely no idea. Damn we would honestly in the 1900s we would be like every day we'd just be like what the fuck are you people talking about. Oh yeah. Oh yeah okay. Yeah I mean you would go if you had your mind today it would be a prison. Your head would be a mind prison but you may as well have bars. If you quantum leaped to 1900s you'd be a rock. Oh the amount of oh boys. I'd be like oh boy oh boy oh boy. Okay this is what suet is. A hard white fat on the kidneys and loins of cattle sheep and other animals. Oh fucking eight. Take me home so I can have sheep growth. So it's it's it's kidney fat.

I wonder if you could ask for that at a butcher now like you'd be like what do you guys charge half pound of sues. I'm pretty sure I've seen it like in 20 restaurants and stuff. What. You're eating at places that I'm not. Yeah Burger King. Yeah Burger King. They got a whole suet menu. Yeah yeah. The heritage of words is very interesting. Yeah. Truly. Okay. Here's a good one. Forge and demand. Two young men who worked off a number of bad checks on Richmond merchants several days ago and then left the city have been have been heard from. They evidently left Richmond for Durham where they worked off three bad checks before leaving the city for greener fields. Major Howard received a letter from Chief Woodall of the Durham Police Department yesterday informing him of the

operation of the two men and asking him to look out for them. Chief Woodall writes both claim to be traveling men and are traveling over the country and obtaining money on forced checks. The way they operate is to go into a store after banking hours mostly at night and make some small purchase and offer a check of 12 dollars to 18 dollars. Now we have to find where the story goes because they don't. Yes I love this. I love this. This is the credit fraud. I love it. This is the original catch me if you can. These guys were goddamn geniuses. They're like you know what the system's taken everything from us. We're taking it back and then they figured it out. Yes but the hilarious thing is they're just like this to them. It's just like holy shit these guys are masterminds but it's

just the easiest fucking crime. You just go in the store. It's first. It's when you're it's just it's a shame because when you could just think of these devious things before they knew that we were such a devious people you could just really carve them up. Yeah because I mean it's like they're like how do we stop it. What's he doing. He's lying and we don't know how to stop it. It's like oh well I mean I don't know how you stop a person from fucking lying like that's what they're going to do. It's also just such an easy because you could write a check for more that it was worth to get cash back all the time back then so it's the easiest scan to pull you just come in and go yeah yeah man here's a check and then you let's pretend like that's real and you give me

a bunch of money and I'm gonna just head out of town I guess. Well we've never had the transaction go any other way so here's the money that seems like it's way too much but I trust you why wouldn't I. Good luck boys. What a nice set of boys. Those boys was real nice wasn't they. Traveling and how far is Richmond from like Durham from Richmond. Durham. It's I mean yeah it's a ways I mean it's not that close I mean you know I would say three. These guys got the fuck out of there then. Yeah yeah yeah and that's that's the other thing they're like well what we'll do is they'll come back tomorrow they're gonna get addicted to this grift and they're like they went somewhere else these guys are geniuses. We can't predict them every time they bob we weave and vice versa.

Oh my god these parties are also wanted in Boston Philadelphia Baltimore Washington D.C. and Memphis Tennessee. And nobody could give them word like everyone was like it's the first time it's ever happened and they're like no it happened to stay over why didn't we hear because nobody does anything it's just a shit time. And the police chief of Richmond was like oh yeah I'll be I'll be all look out for them and yeah he's like yeah you guys fucking deserve this shit you guys are so stupid. Yeah he's like well it sounds like a real hard case yeah of course yeah I don't know how you'd stop them. Maybe close the banks. All right well this is this is under in the personal and critical section whatever whatever that makes no sense at all. Yeah I think we can lump these

two together pretty easily. Ex-Senator William Everts is no longer the champion framer of long sentences. He frequently made a record of 500 words but has been far outdone by Rastus Ransom a New York lawyer who in a will case a few days ago put a hypothetical question four thousand words in length. Boiled down it all meant assuming the testimony to be true was she sane or insane when she made her will. It took 30 minutes to ask the question. That's amazing because I love how the person who wrote this article the journalist or writer was like this was like you know like this was essentially a fuck you for this lawyer like this is like they were like satiring what the lawyer was doing like this look at this long-winded piece of shit and all he meant was this so this

writer this writer was ahead of his time man this dude was a satire. Yeah well also I think it just shows how again just so fucking boring everything was just like have a guy be like my thing is that I write really long sentence it's like anybody could write the idea that you're like that's my lane I have real like you're like a Batman villain trying to come up with your angle I'm the run on what do you do I don't punctuate. Given that you picture me and I get onto my horse and I ride over to your house and I knock on your door and I'm like hey did you hear about the guy who wrote the really long sentence. What? I haven't done shit all day I've been staring at a bird. Yeah yeah it's a 4,000 word sentence. It's 30 minutes. Slow down let's just take this word by word finally some

action. I think back then um in England anyway I don't know about America but back in the day the lawyers charged per word as well. Oh my god really that's amazing. So if this guy wanted to sue the guy who had the new run on thing he'd be like well I'm gonna start to talk and you're gonna start to listen he'd be like yeah great hold on I'm just leasing a Rolls Royce real quick just give me a second to close that up there we are perfect just so boring and dumb. That's so crazy. I love the number of senators that get shout out so I guess back in the day being a senator was like a pretty I don't know seemed like a big deal I don't know I don't know is it like yeah right I mean that was yeah yeah I mean I think it's more of a big nail now but back then yeah it was

usually you had to be from well fancy lineage it's we kind of combined the two recent stories we heard like with the senators and the illegalities that nobody seems to be able to trace have kind of conflated lovely into our society now where it's just we don't give a shit we're like oh they're writing bad checks and we're like oh we have some sad news attempted suicide Charlottesville Virginia say that that's nice to hear like a headline that's probably appropriate with what actually happened and instead of just like angel back to earth or something awesome what can we have we been able to figure out what this section is yeah no this is yeah this is just a news together it's not there's no section right right so I mean really the paper was a story search you were like

where's the good one uh mr john cannon a west end businessman while suffering from temporary aberration of the mind attempted suicide last evening by cutting his throat with a case knife oh shit wow owing to the immediate owing to the immediate interference of nearby friends his effort failed of success though an ugly gash of three inches in length was the result of his attempt dr mason was called and just the wounds the man is doing very well this morning what the fuck damn so his his friend he did he must have done it in front of his friends yeah he had a party and he was like a toast and then he was like look and they were like john what are you doing you lost your mind johnny no no your aberration aberration of the mind that's an average he's

got an aberration of the mind his mind is aberrating get a medical doctor damn a three inch cut is no joke though no that's yeah that's legit I mean sometimes some things you know some some stories you're like people building bridges and lying down on unfinished bridges halfway through and you're like what's going on there and then other stories other stories you're like you know what life hasn't changed that much yeah no that is true I mean it's still even in here you it's still you know people trying to handle society which is we've never really gotten our hands right yeah I wonder what here's a pretty straight here's a pretty straightforward headline killed with an axe information has just reached here that Ben Holmes on yesterday morning struck

jack johnson on the head with an axe well by the way I would hit jack johnson with an axe I swear to god you write a new one are you getting the axe johnson jack johnson died from the effects of the blow last night the back of the skull was driven in with the eye from the axe oh my god that's and it is claimed by Holmes that it was an accident what he shouldn't have the long hood the men were quarreling at the time it was an accident during the quarrel I was trying to tell him to stop and then I just ended up going through his brain into his eye uh the parties live near meredithville and johnson is a well-to-do colored man and was thought a great deal of at this time no rest has been made what the fuck I mean seriously could

this be oh my god I mean a fucking white guy killed a black guy well we're looking for suspects we're still looking for says he admitted it we're still the search goes on the search is still still we gotta fight we gotta do this right if we're gonna do this oh my god that is crazy so there's just never I mean just never never ever ever it's just never never never never it's just never gonna change or happen okay never really the part the parties were in the woods cutting cordwood at the time of the murder they're calling it a murder and he admitted and they're like we got it we're just Tommy Lee Jones is on a house search it was an axe accident we're calling it an accident he didn't mean to did you make a fugitive reference I did I love that

what is there any conclusion to this yeah that's it story oh that's it I'm gonna guess that the white guy probably could prosecute it a lot yeah oh you know I'm sure it was you know it's self-defense well no Dave I mean we're allowing accidents now so yeah I mean it is just I love that he probably he probably thought the pillow was in his other hand back in the head you know what yeah completely just slipped out it's yeah my axe that was look all it was happening was I was cutting wood with a guy we got into a big argument and then I hit him in the back of the head with an axe but it was accidental he's a woody looking guy he looks what the his back it looks he looked woody the police chief from page four is probably like yeah that's I'm down I'm done with that don't

worry we're uh we're trying to find a way for the murderer to sue the man he killed this one I can't even make sense of so this happens a lot in these papers where they they talk about a story as if you already know what's happened it's like it's like something good for your paper for the paper for the paper to just be like we're just gonna start in the middle here you're like oh good because that's why I read this yeah it's like it's like something had happened in the previous weeks and everyone knows about it so they just pick up and they don't so okay you're serialized serialized right yeah episode four uh refuse death certificate this cigar makers former a union in this city last night to affiliate with the american confederation of labor of four it must

be formed okay the scar makers formed a union in this city last night to affiliate with the american confederation of labor it now looks as though roper the morphine eater will go free as he should imagine being that bad at being addicted to morphine that you eat it ah man smoke it dude smoke it oh i'm feeling uh well there's maybe these are three different stories doctor cook was summoned before the mayor today on a charge made by an undertaker that he had refused to issue a death certificate dr cook refuses to fill out a certificate because the family of mr. thompson would not give him a ten dollars for his services until i paid he's living imagine holding out on a death certificate he's still alive in my mind till this bills paid

you your boy lives now is that the morphine eater no it must be it must be it's just written so weirdly but that that's the whole section so they must be the editor of the stories the editor of the paper is the morphine eater he's like it doesn't matter man it's like where do you feel like putting it you know what i mean where do you feel like you want it to go you know says he's taking his shirt off they're like bop bop bop he's like i'm sick of convention man you guys are all it's somebody eat some of that morphine with me man join yeah time isn't real man it's a flat surface man you can poke a pin through it then man change everything man like the morphine eater is also one of the worst and best nicknames i've ever heard yeah and in this corner wait and it's hard

to tell what he wrote on here it's all little it looks like it's just some blood the morphine eater i even like better than they put a roper the morphine eater roper the morphine eater like it rhymes it's got you know it's it's unique ropers already unique that's a lot of market corner yeah can you imagine the scene where the guy's looking for this dude so he comes in the town and he's like i'm looking for the morphine he's right over there he's right there he's actually right there right now we you didn't even need to finish the question but we just wanted to be polite the morphine eater is amazing because you can't confuse there's no two yeah there's only one nice scene the morphine either yeah everyone else like injects it or smokes it there's only one guy

who eats this shit it's like welcome you guys are figuring it out yet oh god here's here's another sad one was tired of living coming to virginia charles low tired of life attempted suicide here this evening mr low who could have seen this coming oh by cutting his throat from ear to ear oh christ where was friends at the party well his wife being in the room tried to prevent him shit but but was fought off and received a slight wound on the hand it is thought his wound will not prove fatal he's what i i how many people are cutting jesus christ i mean to be fair though it's gotta be so hard to do is hard yes it is hard you've got to be like

right in and be like this is crazy you know it's be like i can't fully commit like i hope my friends tackle me oh my god that is and and man either people were hardier back then because they're falling off of 44 bridges and living and cutting their throats and living but or they just i don't know or people like they just newspapers you know they didn't wait till the story was done they were just printing stuff before people died but actually they died like five seconds after you left the room yeah i mean really they could they wouldn't get updates but that is so true i people were probably hardier they were just like gummy bears god damn drinking more are drinking mercury to like you're syphilis chewing morphine chewing morphine these guys are carving each other up

like turkeys and being like i'll be out next week yeah axe fighting in the woods axe fight yeah these people are hardy sorry axe murdering axe murdering something this is an ad for caskerets best for the bowels sure he thinks for the morphine eater for the morphine eater in your family he thinks he lives but he's a dead one no person is really alive whose liver is dead dead during the winter most people spend nearly all their time in warm stuffy houses or offices or workshops many don't get as much exercise as they ought and everybody knows that people gain weight in winter as rule it is not sound weight but means a lot of flabby fat and useless rotting matter staying in the body when it ought to have been driven out all right listen ad you had me

and now you really it's a fat fuck you ad how about that i'll fucking fight you how about that ad but the liver was overburdened deadened stopped work there you are with a dead liver and right now is the time for resurrection wake up the dead get all the filth out of your system and get ready for the summer's trials with clean clear blood body brain free from bile force is dangerous and destructive useless used in a gentle persuasive way and the right plan is to give new strength to the muscular walls of the bowels and stir have we heard a product yet okay there's no problem i think this guy the guy who wrote this is the lawyer who wrote for us it's me dr runon just right just go yo your liver sucks shit it out that's it

this is this is before slogans they're like it's hard to encapsulate it and stir up the liver to new life and work with caskarets the great spring cleaner disinfected and bow tonic get 50 get a 50 cent box today a whole month's treatment and see how quickly you will be brought back to new life by caskarets liver tonic love it wow man the ads the ads were always the most interesting for me it's like people you know they're still the same everyone's scared of self-conscious of being fat they're like oh yeah put on some winter weight oh what this is the magic cure you know shit out my liver yeah it's now we just have you know pelotons and whatever it's the same you know same it's the same thing same disease different cures yeah but even like

i mean even then that that is like you could put that ad in a paper right at during the pandemic and be like that is that makes total sense is there is there drawings on it Dave there's a drawing of a guy's face and he's just all frumpy and like bro usually they have a before and after they're like they have the guy that looks terrible and then a guy that looks happy but this one just has the guy that's like my liver is dead shit it's amazing that you couldn't find an after considering their drawings i can't draw someone who's taking this product properly they're like we appreciate that great very committed to your craft great work hard to be a illustrator for that oh yeah yeah for

sure i just draw pieces yeah drawing before cases for you yeah i'm the before guy where's tony after he quit we don't have the after guy working here anymore okay just look like shit so i can draw your face okay that's perfect that's perfect you are just hold it hold it hold that oh you piece of shit you disgusting piece of shit nailed it nailed it nailed it god uh so this is the divine sarah's views i guess divine sarah's in parentheses so manager p.m fray of the jeberson has not yet entertained the divine sarah but will be included in the class that madame Bernhardt declares are not gentlemen this would be due to the jefferson's anti dog law what jeberson jeberson the jeberson is a hotel a motel yeah okay okay that helps

and so they have a no dog mr fray is laughing over some of the famous actress's views contained in papers sent him by his friend uh r.h warfield of the palace hotel in san francisco the san francisco call in repeating the madame's tale of woe says quote madame sarah did say that she did not consider the palace anything to speak of much and that it really was ridiculous that they would not let her have her dogs with her i love it i do not talk again i mean they're talking shit about each other but it's taking weeks yeah yeah back in a day yeah it's just going your hotel sucked and he's like you think my hotel sucks you fucking suck you're a terrible actress you know yeah it's just same yeah it's yeah it's 1901 yelp yeah yeah uh this is her still

been quoted i do not believe that san francisco hotel managers are well bred she said the first thing a well bred person does is to be gracious to strangers i do not think they're dogs too people are dogs too i do not call it gracious to tell me that i may not have my dogs with me i am naturally timid and am in the habit of having a dog in my room at night service animals yeah what do you think of a hotel said madame sarah that does that takes your dogs from you and does not even have a vase in which you may arrange your flowers but then oh my god i would just be so pissed hey there's standards back in the day you know yeah where's the base what am i getting that i didn't i only brought two of my own that's hardly enough i just want to stay here without a base

what breed of hotel manager please did they include like her imdb on that like what was she yeah yeah what were the hot shows yeah she's a stage actress or we don't you know i think she's got to be a stage actress you uh yeah yeah that's the only medium yeah that's it that's all right no i i just believe me right all the time i'm like he called her dave's like it's a thing but he would be eventually i love this that the actress came to visit and yeah i wasn't happy with the thing and then the manager shot back so so much for customers was right the clap back yeah oh that's before they invented that here's uh here's the the help wanted section

help wanted mail oh i could only imagine oh man i can't wait to get that yeah i need sim to come over and help me eat my cow i'll read two of them because they're amazing wanted for us army able-bodied unmarried men between ages 21 and 35 citizens of the united states of good character and temperate habits who can speak read and write english recurts specially desired for service in philippines i love that they they're like you got to speak english also we're sending to sending you to a place where they don't speak english also i mean yeah that's highly qualified for any job at that time right yeah yeah being a good person and speaking english and read and write like that's you could be you could be supreme court judge you could be the run-out center you could be president

if you're a good dude yeah man they sent him to philippines man way to go southeast asia we're pretty nice shut up shut up southeast asia of course that was just an invasion at all fucking we're having a moment just relax will you asshole jesus christ yeah that's cool i also like that you have to be unmarried there i mean this is a time where they were just like we wouldn't want to put up yeah come on whereas now they're like hurry more more doesn't matter more more not alternative lifestyles in our minds that's so fast we want people who have one murders fine two murders a lot that's what we're looking for somewhere in between right the sweet spot we call it oh my god the next one ad is amazing wanted respectable white boys aged from 8 to 14

for good homes in the country with good people orphans preferred what what orphans preferred there's a lot going on but they didn't say what the job is they just say come to our homes and make sure you're looking for hey uh i'm looking for white boys like 8 to 14 i want them with no parents you want all right and now what's your business sir um just send them away because send boys send more boys all right and uh you said had to be white boys no i said that had to be good white boys oh sorry sorry sorry so much i want to get the ad right god damn good good white boys oh man well like imagine this guy how did they get these ads hey like the guy had to come in to the office and buy it yeah had to have right yeah i had to put

on a shirt and pants get the spaghetti sauce off his chest go all the way down there and be a business and like the crack the crack journalists at this newspaper were like yep all right now excuse me we're actually uh busting open some rings of child trafficking but let's finish this ad first and the police also the police are like sorry sir you have any clues on this he's a big fat guy who just shouts about boys all the time oh his address his contact info is in the help wanted section oh my god we can't find this son of a bitch oh my god that's crazy that's a crazy ad preferably orphan but if you just are running away from home acceptable uh warrants served on gusby ford charging him with a post office robbery gusby ford was found badly wounded

in the schoolhouse at chester last sunday afternoon and it is now and is now confined in the county jail at chesterfield uh he's believed to be a celebrated crook it's in parentheses known as english billy who has been implicated in several post office robberies recently perpetrated in this state deputy marshal sam bendett and post office inspector bulla were at chesterfield to see ford and while they're formally served him on a warrant charging him with robbering the robbing the post office about two months ago after mr bendett had read the warrant ford with his usual smile said quote to your honor i plead not guilty i'm a crook but not a post office man you're not in court right wow i love that not how this word this dude is the shit he was like

yo i'm a criminal i'm not a post office criminal i was like i don't do two shifts i mean basically i thought he said that's too hacky you think well i'm not gonna roll i'm not i'm not i didn't get into this game for the stamps yo i'm what am i richard jenny come on i'm banks only all right banks and banks and halter i don't do cruises yeah dude this guy was killer uh english billy english billy still was probably not even english would be my guess yeah probably from alabama or something just knew about punctuation so they were like whoa this guy invented a period mr what come your doubt from your eyes at the end of your sentence this guy could go to the philippines he's english this guy a little younger too he could just get sent to that weird guy's house but again

man we're back in the back love this little glimpses into american history like the post office back in the day it was so everything happened there right it was yeah oh dude it was yeah it was like the goddamn internet it was the communication it was it was the internet it was like your phone you know you go there that's why i mean getting a letter yeah you got a letter you were like oh my like if they could have just do like put you in an mri for that they'd be like look at his lobe that's crazy you'd be like uh grace wrote me a letter they don't mean from a letter yeah yeah i'd be like look at him he's losing his mind that area should not be all green like this yeah that's right the the what the u.s postmaster general is the cabinet position because it was important back in the day

it was man hugely important yeah we did a dollop on the post office at one point dave didn't we the uh they're about women finally being allowed to go to the post office men men lost their fucking minds they're like what it's not called female it's called male uh i might have made that joke in that episode uh this is i don't even know what to say about this just a tiny tiny section it's just it just says penitentiary on fire linkin nebraska a fire is raging in the main building of the state penitentiary i can't imagine using present tense for a paper it's just it's a raging i mean i get it but it's like it's always not even in the same city it's from like uh you know it's like it's freaking a different state right linkin it's a it's a different state and the date on it is

february 28th and this page of this paper is march 1st so it's already so it's not still raging it might be who knows i mean it's there it's it's in present tense in the paper the the guy who read the news on the horse was like it's raging it's raging all right okay we gotta i get it man i get it was it was a fortnight ago uh here's uh this is under aftermath 13 years ago wait what happened to the prison fire what happened to prison fire that's it that's all we know it's still burning as far as we're concerned it's still going we never heard the end of it all right i would say based on the evidence i have everyone passed away i feel like i feel like it's a probably a wood structure in 1901 and so it's probably already burned down by the time this went to print

yeah smart smart smart that made sense at the time uh 13 years ago sima bell and his wife of ottoma iowa quarreled because they could not agree on a name for their baby daughter from that time neither spoke to the other until i can't wait and they're gonna be until last week when both happened to attend the same revival meeting at a local church the excitement at this gathering broke the long period of silence and now they are fully reconciled and what the fuck what they stopped talking because they could agree on it they saw each other and they're like yeah and then they saw each other like yeah let's i'm sorry couldn't agree on a name at a quarrel and then can we just agree this is this is all the dude it's gotta be i mean 13 years ago they

fought over a baby's name the dude's like i'm fucking out of here there's no way she's like oh cool you're leaving me with a baby because we couldn't agree on burt or or larry it's totally it's totally a he's just scapegoat he just wanted to go and he was like if we don't name the baby sand i'm out of here he's like we're not naming the baby saying he's like well i can't live like this she i can't live like this is on you woman yeah and then he did they did they at least say what the name was i probably no no they didn't say the name was yeah fucking hell i know i would love to uh be because it's good there's no way they're both wrong whatever their names they wanted were crazy neither one was like samantha they were like yeah exactly exactly yeah exactly oh this is

incredible uh a new york woman has actually found a burglar underneath her bed best part i'm telling you no they're really not painting new york city in a good light either you got burglars announcement you got burglars under your bed you got burglars in your underwear if you go to new york city you're gonna get robbed in every direction burglars under your bed like that was my child that was my fear at like five this is but this is the best so this is the whole story a new york woman has actually found a burglar underneath her bed thus are thousands of other women with the investigating habit justified so it's just saying so so it's saying if you look under your bed ladies you're not so great safety last i feel like this should be

filed under the opinion section i feel like the the person who wrote this is trying to say something of like it feels a lot of it feels like it would be editorial yeah like it would just be opinion peace yeah finding but who know i mean they didn't give anymore that like they must know that people have so many questions after reading it like this what like it's they didn't print their first draft of these articles right so for me i'm like this guy burglars under the bed with no details like that guy could just be you know subletting like you know is it a burglary in new york city is expensive man that dude maybe well there's there's literally no details yeah so it's just like a woman found a man under her bed can you believe it it happened for sure it happened believe us

this is the believe times if you believe this you'll believe anything i this is this is fucking crazy the the chicago post insists that nobody can figure out in advance just what a woman will do basing its remark on a case in vince pennsylvania where a man thrashed his wife expecting she would sue him to for divorce instead of that she had him arrested for assault and battery and he is naturally disgusted oh my god what you just can't understand women you beat him up and you think this will be a divorce and then she's like no i'm gonna put you in jail what is going on in their minds that what a mysterious creature they are that is dude that's so crazy for so many like the story the underlying story is already insane but the

lead up is that was the biggest switch switch and bait i've ever it was like like man i don't know you can't believe what you can't predict these women man who knows what they're gonna do can you believe this one time this dude beat the shit out of a woman and then instead of like suing him for money she put him in jail what the fuck it's crazy well and if you hear those if you hear about those two people in that story whose behavior are you flag you're like the man who's abused they're like no no that's normal it's this woman's reaction it's so strange that's so crazy what is the guy supposed to do to get a divorce glad and do they say do they say his name in that no okay because they don't say anyone's name in anything sometimes they do sometimes they don't hypothetical

abuser just is out there now like i'll tell you night editorial standards weren't invented till like 1902 i guess okay like i'll put names now we gotta have sources all right we can't just fuck all right guys i mean a lot of people think that this paper is just riddle a lot of these are reading just like riddles all right let's do a couple more uh this is uh this headline is travelers here prominent new yorkers at murphy's hotel last night mr william keys and robert wheeler of new york are at murphy's they are on their way to the inauguration and came in from the south last night at seven o'clock mr keys has traveled extensively extensively and has seen a greater part of the globe he is now practicing his profession that of a lawyer in new york and is an ardent

timidy man he is a linguist of some note mr wheeler is a scientific gentleman but is now traveling for his health he said last night that when he started on his trip he had several vials of medicine with him but when he landed from his ship at norfolk he threw the medicine overboard what the what the fuck is great call won't be needing this but he's also like the medicine was like pure mercury please don't worry about a thing goodbye syphilis medicine i'm fine i got on a boat yeah sir is this your ear what is the story it's just too like really bother guys yeah this is i think it's a mo i think it's a movie pin yeah this was a gossip section i think this was like the you know like prominent guys just hanging out yeah some awesome guys came through you're gonna believe

this two really two really rich cool guys came through one of them doesn't care about his syphilis anymore it feels like the papers could have been shorter also this looks like yeah the the guy i love that i love how they have no names when it's like crime or like spousal abuse but they name like the god damn like the pub murphy's we're going to murphy's you know early stage capitalism of just the the you know the places can buy shit is we'll name all that stuff but the the crime yeah anything that would actually like public safety would be buttressed by the like no we don't need those details and i love the lord that's not i love the shout out tamney tamney uh tamney man that's a i love that the yeah you know i only know that word because i was lincoln like five times

oh shit uh a mule was stolen there's not much else to the story but that's the headline meal stolen really cool okay great really okay this will be the last one this is no one can do anything about it either there's a lot of stories i'll fuck it's just like yeah i mean yeah normally like it's supposed to like entice you in some way to some sort of action but it's just like a mule ran that way okay all right we can't not sure what we can do yeah i don't want to be angry or sad i can't i guess i'll be honest i'd rather not know if i'm being totally honest i don't know why right there's no there's no letters to the newspaper right in this thing there's no like every once in a while a newspaper will have a letter but for the most part now they usually don't have letters

that was the letter to newspaper like to be honest i'd rather not know about this if you can't if you can't give me names details any fucking way i call the action of some sort yeah something to be aware of or yeah just a mule running west is i can't do anything with that yeah it's just like someone on the street like a boy died and walks away like can i not i don't get that depression i am good i have plenty don't need added okay this is the last little last one um clothes saved him the life of arthur james jackson a negro lad aged 14 years was saved by the lad before leaving home by protecting his body with four jackets three pairs of pants four vests three shirts and two undershirts what so he put all that on before he left home

okay he was employed by wb davis a brick contractor of this city to drive a cart in turning the corner of ninth and arch street in richmond he lost his balance and fell off the cart the wheel of the cart passed over him the ambulance was called and responded with dr gills who patched up the wounds of the boy and brought him to his home the injuries consisted of the breakage of both bones in the left arm shoulder bruised both legs bruised both ankles sprained face cut and three fingers smashed dr gill says who vests broken dr gill says the boy owes his life to the number of garments he wore what i don't this guy this kid invented invented armor yeah i mean then he had a brick cut fall on him yeah a couple of breaks because he was eight years old

why'd you get this eight year old kid to like drive a kind of bricks and turn corners really quick and yeah i can't and then four jackets three pairs of pants four vests three shirts and two undershirts four vests and three shirts i mean that's that's that's 13 to 15 items on his upper body but i love that he i mean it is armor i love that you know what it's like have you ever seen the guy who built the suit that a bear can it talk about it's like that it's like the it's like you're just you're so cushioned like is i probably he had like john mccain arms that he just couldn't move but they also don't say why he decided to do that no there's no there's no truly the only thing i want to know is why and they're like ah that's the end of the questions we're good here yeah

they just thank you so much they're just like that's what that's what people do some people just put on a bunch of clothes maybe maybe they maybe they had the answers to that question but the editor was like we need space in this column for the mule the fucking guys with the mule the mule if we're gonna bump the mule article if we add that detail i don't think anyone's gonna want closure let's just give him another question what the fuck is this paper for if we can't if we don't list this mule story then why do we exist then i'm out of here okay then i'm done the mule is the paper i guess period i guess it's a good and good feel good story this kid survived driving a kind of bricks over himself by dressing up i mean good for him yeah but it would just

at some point you think someone would have said hey and uh why did you have a grown man's wardrobe on in one sitting is there any trying to want to walk us through that rationale are you trying to find out i'm trying to find out the temperature oh god it was cold but i mean i couldn't i mean it's only like if a polar vortex was above him like that's just the fight there's no there's just no Virginia but it's it it's it five shirts three blazers two undershirts but even then even then you're not like i'm so cold i'm gonna put on four vests like there's no one who puts on vests for for the way you're gonna look foolish with all those jackets on without a few vests on people are gonna be like that doesn't go together he looks you look honestly it looks

weird without the vest i didn't think i'd say this but now i notice you when you walked in like wc fields nothing but now you gotta wonder right like this this just paints the picture of like like back in the day we think of everyone just normal but everyone was psycho they'll probably cycle walking around with like four vests and like you know kids crashing brick carts into yeah things and mules running around and just it's yeah mules just going and just people falling off of bridges and just that's life that's uh that's uh that's a tuesday in virginia that's yeah just people just being nuts in so i guess i i love this i love this concept for a podcast man it really just just kind of shows you know nothing's changed everyone's always been a psycho and that's right

it's great to be in america yeah i'll wait and that the paper doesn't really give you any information actually i found the forecast uh increasing cloudiness rain or snow with rising temperature in the end you may want to bring nine jackets they don't say the temperature of course that dave it seems like you're trying to find information which is not a great attitude i don't know why are you hung up on these details that influence attitude it's like 60 degrees but feels like nine vests i found it it's on the other side it says 50 50 degrees 47 degrees and 3 p.m so it's not that cold no it's not shockingly it doesn't justify so this dude just put on a bunch of clothes and went out he must have been like at some point i'm gonna get run over by a cart i mean this is how this goes

no it's not this sounds like he was going to go on a train and he didn't want to check in luggage i've done that i've i've done that before i go on a vacation i've instead of packing i just wear everything i would take with me yeah i mean you gotta get an extra seat but it's fine you just he's like he's like a guy in prison putting newspapers underneath his shirt because he's gonna get shanked yeah i mean yes he's michelin manning around town on a brick cart well that's the pastimes podcast ronnie thank you so much again for joining us oh man much appreciated thank you so funny as always thank you for having me and um go uh yes go watch ronnie in many many many different mediums even though he won't brag about it but he's all over so thanks

again yeah thanks guys thanks for having me