The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 604 - John Schrenk and Teddy Roosevelt -live

Episode Date: October 17, 2023

Comedians Gareth Reynolds and Dave Anthony examine the time Teddy Roosevelt and John Schrenk met Tour Dates Redbubble Merch Sources   Squarespace...

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Starting point is 00:00:33 Woo! Woo! This is an American History Podcast. We're each week. I, Milwaukee Native. That's right. Green Bay Packers, FAM, and Honor, and Part Owner, Part Owner, and Lover of Schlitz, Dave Anthony.
Starting point is 00:00:59 Reads a story from American history to my boy. Do you like have a file of all the terms that would be the most condescending? Somehow it keeps getting worse. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. Well done. Thank you. You did your part. It took a little while. be about. Well done. Thank you. You did your part. It took a little while.
Starting point is 00:01:26 Stop it. You're doing it again. Permission to treat? No. Permission to hide. Anything else to say? My dad's here. Oh.
Starting point is 00:01:36 Hi, Frank. Yeah. Yeah. He's not going to stay for the show. But he's the biggest fan of the intro. You've seen, throw your mother from the train, yeah? Throw mama from the train? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:01:51 Yeah. How's movie memory going? Straight up right now. I'm going to kill your father, is what I'm saying. I'm going to fucking kill your father. You did. That's the whole point of throwing mama from the train. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:03 I didn't think I'd have to spell it out. But I didn't kill your dad and Less my name is Seagrams I mean it took six years, but you finally had one good joke about my dad So I'm your boy. Not actually going to kill you. He already left. Oh, he did?
Starting point is 00:02:35 Yeah. He was here for the pre-show. Yeah, yeah. He hangs for the pre-show. He ate some of your focaccia and now he's gone. He was out. He was, you know. He's smoking doobs in the park in the middle of the wheel.
Starting point is 00:02:45 We were tailgating in the parking lot. Yeah. No, my dad tailgates before the dollar. Big time. Big time. He got here at 8 a.m. Big time. Yeah. He goes real. Is he a packer's guy? Yeah, old buddy. Kind of. He actually won't watch them because he thinks when he watches them, they lose. But he hasn't been watching this year, so I don't know what's happening. What? Then you can never watch.
Starting point is 00:03:08 Yeah, you don't understand, listen, just stop. You don't understand. He did it for us. It makes no sense. It makes a lot of sense. Gareth, let your name... Dave, we are brought to you in part by Squarespace. Gareth Squarespace is all-in-one,
Starting point is 00:03:24 domains, websites, online stores, marketing tools, analytics, which of course we need for you, very badly, the analytics. Yeah, I'm reading through some of the analytics on me this week and it is not good. You have your website. It is bad.
Starting point is 00:03:43 Gearithrenalds.com with Squarespace, you you have uh... your website is bad girth renalts dot com with square space and you get analytics there correct you know i'm talking traffic overview visitor insights activity log sales analytics purchased funnel how is your purchase funnel going it is not i've been put in here in it come on man we're talking about websites.
Starting point is 00:04:05 I ruined it. So I also have my website with Squarespace, and then of course, we have the adultpodcast.com where you can get all your touring information. And resources page. And then our sources page. So we're all in with Squarespace. They go down.
Starting point is 00:04:18 I've said this before a million times, but they go down, we go down. It is basically, it's an ambilical court situation that can never be cut. So anyway, here's what you're going to do. You're going to go to Squarespace.com slash dollop for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code dollop to save 10% on your first purchase of a website or domain. March 5th, 1876. Year of our Lord, J Town. By the way, J Town has headbands that are coming out.
Starting point is 00:05:03 No, they're not available here. So it's all bullshit. Everything you say is a lie. He's an evangelical preacher. Ah, we got holy rags for you to hold up to the TV so you can touch God's hand. Yeah, it's all bullshit. You are because, yeah, it is.
Starting point is 00:05:17 Where are the headbands? Jesus is gonna sell him. J. Tom's gonna sell him. He's fucking selling his own merch. We don't even do that. I didn't say he's gonna sell him. J-Town's gonna sell him. He's fucking selling his own merch. We don't even do that. I didn't say he was gonna sell it. I'm just saying he's putting up, he's, it's part of his brand.
Starting point is 00:05:32 He's a weird, it's part of his brand. Yeah. So, what? What? It's also easy. He's also doing, there also gonna be Ray Bans with J-Town on the side. J-Bans.
Starting point is 00:05:45 We do have merch. We have merch. Yeah, Luke will be selling it. Buy it after the show. I think we have crocheted baskets. Nope, don't tell people what we have anymore, because it's going really poorly. We don't have baskets.
Starting point is 00:05:59 Crocheted baskets. No, no, no. Well, it's like an Easter basket. No, it isn't at all. Now again, you're veering very dangerously into J-town merch. It's just one we had baskets. Nope. It's crazy.
Starting point is 00:06:13 You hit your head two days ago and nothing's been right. Johann Fleming Shrank was born in Bavaria in 1876. And his name is Johann Schrunk. Johann Schrunk. Schrunk. Schrunk. Schrunk. Schrunk.
Starting point is 00:06:33 Like I took a new t-shirt and put it in hot water, and honey, I shrunk the kids. Nice, okay. So there's different versions of how we got here, but we know he came alone when he was 13. Sure, I did that in my room. Yes. Yes.
Starting point is 00:06:55 We all remember the first time stuff came out. Go ahead. The rumors were true, I thought. Ha ha. Do you want me to leave? No, I want to talk about my dad's here. Can I not express my joy over the first that jagged it? No, he wants this. Look, don't touch those.
Starting point is 00:07:19 And then after I finish, it shrunk. I'm so close to leaving. Do you do want me to do stand up? So he lives in, he lives in, moves him with his aunt and uncle in New York. He never met them until he got here. That's cool. There were Annie and Dominic Fleming.
Starting point is 00:07:44 Okay. They lived in a tenement above their saloon on East 10th Street. Nice. So Johann worked in the saloon, and Annie and Dominic treated him very well. They became very close. Like his parents, he took night classes, he learned English. He just became a huge reader. He just read tons of books on history and government
Starting point is 00:08:07 and the Bible. Like you? Yeah, love the Bible. George Washington became his hero. Oh, like his friend. No, his hero. He regularly read several newspapers every day and began writing poetry.
Starting point is 00:08:24 In 1895, Teddy Roosevelt became president of the Board of Police Commissioners. So Teddy enforced blue laws because he was trying to eliminate kickbacks to cops. So on Sundays cops were stationed outside saloons, which included the flamangs. So it really hurt bar owners. And in Yorktown, 30,000 Germans protested. And Teddy went and he applauded them and he laughed at them, kind of mocked them. Then a letter bomb was sent to his office. Nice. That brought Teddy national attention, and within two years president mccanley named him as uh... assistant secretary to the navy and he was off to watchton
Starting point is 00:09:10 dc okay well all because he mocked some germans who then bomb them yeah i mean it was basically getting uh... enforcing the blue laws right yeah saloon owners very happy he's gone so john you on his family, happy he's gone. Right.
Starting point is 00:09:27 Now, Johan becomes an American citizen at 21. He's now officially called John. Nice, better. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Now I like this guy. That's right.
Starting point is 00:09:41 Yeah. Dope. He said he got engaged to LC Zeagler, who was a 17-year-old factory worker from his neighborhood. Soon after, she was on the steamboat General Slokum on a Sunday school outing and a fire broke out when it was off a story of Queens. And the shore was all of oil tanks and lumber yards and the captain tried to steam ahead. Wait, on a fire boat towards oil?
Starting point is 00:10:13 It's, yeah, he didn't wanna go to the oil. So he tried to steam ahead. Good move. Problem was all the fire hoses were falling apart and they couldn't get to the lifeboats and The life preservers that turned out were all bad. What do you mean bad? They just didn't work They have one job well there to preserve well these ones were just life. They were just cushions. Yeah, like our rocks Put this rock on there you go good luck. Don't we have a Witness quote one by one they dropped into the water.
Starting point is 00:10:48 The ship burned and it was soon gone. Over a thousand died. Jesus Christ. One was LC. Wow. I think this is the sweetest this podcast has ever been. Yeah, listen, everyone's like, not now. We're grieving this woman from 150 years ago.
Starting point is 00:11:06 What? Okay. Okay. John had to go, he said he was the one who had to go ID her body. And she was okay? Ah, sorry, those are not a connected statement. Elsie's brother, whoever said she didn't really know John and they were just acquaintances and he didn't idea body He didn't no, that's just what John said. Hmm. Okay. I'm drunk. Yeah
Starting point is 00:11:38 So a victim memorial was put in Tompkins square park and John would spend hours At the memorial rubbing it and writing poems. I'm okay with half of it. Again, he doesn't really know where. He doesn't really know where. He's rubbing it. I mean, they were acquaintances. Like, he's seen it around.
Starting point is 00:12:01 Right. So he's rubbing and writing poems. He's rubbing. He's rubbing her sweet memorial. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Nope. Pfft. Ah!
Starting point is 00:12:11 All right, buddy, you had enough today. Get out of here. No, no, no. Stop. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
Starting point is 00:12:18 Hey. I miss my girl. Sweet to sweet to L.C. Look. Hey. No, no, no, Sweet, sweet, and sweet. Look. Hey. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey, hey, absolutely not. Get out of here.
Starting point is 00:12:36 You're done. You crossed the line. No, no, no, no. Look. We let you rub it for... Sir, sir, sir. I'm not fucking around. Get out of here. No, no, no, no.
Starting point is 00:12:52 Sir, sir, sir, sir. No. Oh, my sweet Aussie. We never made love. So what? I come here. No, no you won't. And I fuck the memorial.
Starting point is 00:13:16 Stop talking and moving. I made it come up. I made it. No you didn't. Shut up. Orgas. Enough. I made it. No, you did. Shut up. Oh, God. No.
Starting point is 00:13:29 A little weirdo. Stop. It's Christ. He said he'd never have another girl. That was his only love. There could be no other, Garith. Quote, that wouldn't be right to LC. You didn't know her.
Starting point is 00:13:47 We didn't know. Sure. So the family moved to Yorktown after a lot of families after the German families, after this disaster, moved out of the area. And then Dominic retired and he sold the bar. And on September 6th, 1901, President William McKinley.
Starting point is 00:14:08 Shot. It's just because we did it last night. And he didn't know who the fuck McKinley was. Yeah. You see guys, President McKinley was assassinated. I really should have looked up this guy's name. McKinley? The guy who shot him.
Starting point is 00:14:30 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Not so smart now, are you buddy? Sorry. He was shot in Buffalo by anarchist Leon Sava-Rava. Nice. our guest Leon. So now Vice President Teddy Roosevelt became President. Nice. So the day after Teddy became President at 1.30 a.m. John was home. Nice. When McKinley appeared. Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead president McKinley.
Starting point is 00:15:10 That's right. John subbed, okay. And pointed at a picture of Teddy Roosevelt. Kill this guy. And said, quote, this is my murderer. And nobody else avenge my death.
Starting point is 00:15:29 Man, I won't hold on. That's a big bowl. That's a bold thing to tell a man. Yeah, I mean, he's just getting over the death of someone he didn't know. That's right. And now the president, the dead president is in your room being like, look,
Starting point is 00:15:43 Teddy Roosevelt killed me. You got to kill him. Yeah. Shouldn't be too hard. And are you going to say no to a ghost president? Yeah. Oh, no. Well, yeah, I would.
Starting point is 00:15:55 I would. Yeah, I definitely would. I'd be like, all right. Good luck out there, dude. Wait. What the fuck? He might come back, though. Like, you don't know what's gonna happen.
Starting point is 00:16:05 Sure. All right. So over the years, John would think about this dream a lot. Years, but Kenley was like, bro, let's go. I just keep wondering what you want. Kill Teddy Ruh, what?
Starting point is 00:16:22 Kill him, huh? Kill Teddy Roosevelt. It's fake. KILL TETTY ROOT WHAT? KILL HIM! Huh? KILL TETTY ROOZE VELT! It's vague. What? It's vague. It's vague? VEG? A VEG? No, it's super- Listen. Listen. Okay. Oh. John. Yeah. It's me. Hi. Relax. I'll talk for a minute and then you be quiet. Don't take everything I say to heart immediately. Oh. You need to kill Teddy Roosevelt.
Starting point is 00:16:54 He killed me. He loves to hunt. Could you be more specific? Kill the president right now. Jesus Christ, it's been three and a half years. It's actually been six years. What? It's crazy.
Starting point is 00:17:15 Yeah. Let me ascend. Well, as antide in November 1907. Teddy Roosevelt did it? No. No. And then his uncle died in February 1911 and John is absolutely devastated. Sure. He was now completely alone. He had no friends.
Starting point is 00:17:32 He didn't go to a church. He just became more withdrawn and he would walk alone in city parks or just reading and writing down his thoughts or poems. Okay. He would spend hours and hours at his aunt and uncle's graves. Oh God. Rubbing? Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, So he had inherited a tenement in Yorkville. In Yorkville, it came with a $13,000 mortgage. Oh, cool. What a cool wall. What is that today? No, that was then. So he rented a room in Brooklyn in a hotel and he would hang out in a coffee shop and he would
Starting point is 00:18:25 just complain about not having money. Cool. And he got a porter job at a bar and then they promoted him to lunch man and then- Lunch man? Lunch man. Wow. Finally. And then-
Starting point is 00:18:41 I'm lunch man. And then he couldn't do it because it was too hard. Yeah. Just a lot of pressure. The charge of all the lunches. Thought if one of the lunches goes wrong, that's on my shoulders. Oh, well, yeah. Cue me, too.
Starting point is 00:18:58 Yeah. This is an inner dialogue. Is it German, Paul? Oh, we German? Yeah. Oh. Oh. Sick. Ha, ha, ha.
Starting point is 00:19:10 So they demoted him from lunch man and we. To brunch boy. And he quit. He quit? What was he demoted to? He was demoted back to being a porter. He's a porter. So he quit, but he also demanded a week's pay for when he quit. And the owners
Starting point is 00:19:26 refused so he sued them. What? Lunchman versus the pub? Yeah. Well, Porter. Porter. Well, technically. Right. And as the as the child got closer he would burst into the defense lawyer's office and demand a settlement. I bought my money. Give it to me. How do courts work? I haven't read any books about law. I've been busy masturbating at my aunt's grave. I just found what is old to me. I was lunchman.
Starting point is 00:20:03 Yeah, well, no. Yes, I was. A couple of days. Talk about a fall from grace. Well, well no. Yes, I was. Talk about a fall from grace. Well, you were a failure. Yes, but now I have nothing. I must rebuild. I just... Just all I do is lament.
Starting point is 00:20:17 It's just all lamenting. You wouldn't understand it. What are you doing? I'm having a breakdown. is all lamenting. You wouldn't understand it. What are you doing? I'm having a breakdown. My girlfriend passed away. I know that, okay. Yeah, she was the love of my life.
Starting point is 00:20:34 I met her twice. I was arrested for humping a grave. Did it come? What? Ah! Did you make the grave come? That's an urban legend. Say can't.
Starting point is 00:20:59 Well, they can, but. No. You just gotta know what you're doing. Look, I'm in the middle of something really tough, so please, no bang notes. So every time you burst in, they refuse to settle. And the court ends up finding for the owners. OK.
Starting point is 00:21:19 So after that happens, the judge gets a letter. Uh-oh. Quote, you have branded me as a man who lies. By not believing me under oath, I think you've done me a great monstrous and incorrectible injustice. I mean to avenge this. You are a judge. That part's crazy.
Starting point is 00:21:46 As a judge, you ought to write the wrongs of the poor. I have been appointed to see to it that you do not judge other cases. Signed... Lunchman. The Avenger! What? Wait, what? Signed... The Avenger what wait what Side the Avenger so lunch man was just an origin character. Yes. Now. He's fully formed. That's right the Avenger
Starting point is 00:22:18 And his sidekick Assasinated President McKindie's ghost. Dave, let me scooch up on the chair. We've got the adventure. Lunch man is here. No, the Avenger. Uh, John drank for years. Okay, so the Avengers kind of like, uh, nothing happened with that. He just sent the money.
Starting point is 00:22:43 Let me scoop back Sorry, it's okay. It was very exciting. Yeah, do you think he had a whole story planned out in his head? And then he just couldn't get to it maybe like he was making the costume and then he's like Maybe yeah, he probably jumped off a couple roofs trying to fly he could have been planning to take out the judge And then he got sidetracked right with booze fly. He could have been planning to take out the judge and then he got sidetracked. Right, with booze. So he would drink for years at the White House Hotel on Canal Street. In 1912 he moved into a room above the White House Hotel. In each evening he'd go to the bar and drink six or so beers. Nice, Yeah. He would relate a ball. He would read three papers a day religiously.
Starting point is 00:23:29 On August 11, 1912, he read about ex-president Teddy Roosevelt, who had picked his successor when he left office four years before, and that successor was William Howard Taft, baby! Taft. Howard Taft. So Taft won, but then Teddy regretted not running for a third term. And so now in 1912 he decided to go for the Republican nomination. Wait, how did he name him his successor? He just was like, this is the next guy who's he nominated. He basically was like, this is the guy want you to. Right.
Starting point is 00:24:10 Yeah, he was like, he anointed him. Because he was super popular. Right. So he was like, this is the guy. He's like two of me. Yeah. That's correct. Imagine if I randomized into myself full steam.
Starting point is 00:24:23 Poof fam. Taft. Imagine if I randomize into myself full steam fam taft So that taft is president and Teddy's running against him sure So Teddy did a like a train campaign tour He won nine of 12 primaries, okay? So taft and Teddy start attacking each other. Okay. And taff called Teddy a dangerous egotist.
Starting point is 00:24:50 And Teddy called taff to a quote, fathead. They're kind of both calling you the other fathead, really, if you think about it. By the way, I want to get a fathead of taffed on my wall. I think that would be great. Just in my bedroom, just one of those. Remember fat heads? Guys, remember, all right. That was a fun 10 years.
Starting point is 00:25:15 Teddy also said that Taft had, quote, less brains than a guinea pig. Now, when he said that, Taft broke down in tears in front of a reporter on a train when he found out. What? What a better time. Oh man, we should just send Trump back to this time to see what he could do. Big fat taft. Taft doesn't ride the train, the train rides taft Stuck in a bathtub TLC giving taft a show Shut up taft, nobody wants to hear it
Starting point is 00:25:59 Caramel tears taft Fudgey Baby Taft. Stay Pufft William Hour Taft. Gross Taft. At the convention. Big old bouncy Taft. As waiting. Like a man ate a bunch of antipax.
Starting point is 00:26:22 Bacon boy. Sugar-titty taft. White sumo. Big baby. Shut up, fat fuck. If sausage were a man, taft. At the convention there were claims of fraud. Kids built after that fat. So all these delegates were disputed and the RNC ends up giving a most of them to taft, even though they shouldn't have.
Starting point is 00:27:39 So it descends into chaos, there's fist fights at the convention. And then Teddy takes his followers and they go out and they start a new party. The progressive party. Oh, wow. Nick named the bull moose party. The what? Bull moose party. Sure. Yep. Of course. So the Republicans are basically splitting into two parties, which obviously would throw the election to the Democrats. Right.
Starting point is 00:28:09 Yep. And then they'll get blamed for it. John Trank really didn't like that. Sure. He did not like that Teddy was running for a third term because he believed two was the limit. But also, McInley's like, this is firing you up? Bro, I was in your fucking room eight years ago.
Starting point is 00:28:31 This motherfucker shot me. It takes a while to get going. No, let's go. Yeah. Fucking, dude, I need to get into heaven. I needed some motivation. Oh my God, kill him. I don't want you to go away.
Starting point is 00:28:49 Ah, fuck. Wow, this is sad as shit. I don't have any, I don't have any friends. But only friends that go, stop, stop. But ghost president. Listen, listen, listen, listen. I'm not your friend, I just need your help. You're the only one who's there at night.
Starting point is 00:29:06 I just, because I'm asking you to go catch me. You call yourself the fucking Avenger. Lunch man. Why did I pick you? It's so weird. It's so weird that I picked you. The way it works is I'm allowed to pick one person. And I don't know.
Starting point is 00:29:28 Don't nod. I just picked you for somebody. I know, I'm your guy. Yeah, so fuck it. Do it. You just been sitting here, we picking right in your dumbass poems. I'm getting stupid. Nobody's reading your stupid poems, dude.
Starting point is 00:29:41 I like to think you do. I do, but in a way where I'm like, get going and get fucking revenge. A VANGE. Did you see the one I wrote about you? What? Called. It's called my ghost buddy.
Starting point is 00:30:00 Yeah. Yeah. Was that finished? It didn't look like it was done still my president Thank you, but look like it's awesome and I really appreciate it I just didn't know that was finished. It was really long. No, there was no Had no form to it and it didn rhyme, which is okay if it's good, but this was not it.
Starting point is 00:30:30 A lot of poems have commas to sort of let you know when the new line starts. Yours was just continuous. Half of it was covered in tears, and listen, just stab Teddy Roosevelt through the you know what I mean please avenge me I can't keep no I sometimes when even when you're here I miss you We've five. No, stop saying, hide me. So two terms is in John's mind sacred. That's what stopped oppression. And at the same time. That's what stopped oppression.
Starting point is 00:31:23 In his mind, yeah. Alright, no mind. So we're in his mind palace. Yeah, I mean, we just came through a period where people think wearing masks is fascism. So you can understand how a guy might think. All right. So I just came for a minute. Yeah, Teddy was also attacking the judiciary because he wanted more power to fight monopolies. The New York world called Teddy quote
Starting point is 00:31:51 the most cunning and adroit demagogue that modern civilization has produced since Napoleon. Shit. And John's simply reading this like, yep. Yep, yep. That's true. It was in the paper. I gotta stop Napoleon. That night night John wrote to warn Americans to okay quote in the present campaign for the first time in American history we are confronted by a
Starting point is 00:32:17 man to whom practically nothing is sacred and pretends to stand above tradition this man abused our Constitution. He wants it amended and tell it is abolished. This is every uncle's Facebook. We're like, every single one. Well, they're like, I made a bold proclamation. 16 likes. We're on fire.
Starting point is 00:32:38 We are moving time to start an email. It's called a newsletter. We have fully entered fascism. He called Teddy. Also, I'll be doing trivia this Thursday at Buffalo Wild Wings. He called Teddy, Teddy the third termer. God, this guy, like, it's just, it's not happening. He's worried that Teddy but he doesn't have the like it's not catchy. No it's not catching. It's close. Teddy the third term. It's all tees. Great. So he's worried Teddy if he loses is going to incite his followers to violence. Quote, he and the hungry office seekers would not hesitate to take up arms,
Starting point is 00:33:27 to take by force what is denied him by the people, then we face a civil war. Sure. Teddy was another Napoleon. So John wrote this manifesto. And quote, this is a manifesto. Quote.
Starting point is 00:33:46 Oh, shit. Super weird. By the way, if they have records of your manifesto, you did something bad. Yep. You made it. Yeah. You did, definitely made it.
Starting point is 00:34:00 It worked. Quote to the people of the US September 15th 1901, 130 a.m. Whoa, Jesus Christ. He's had seven beers. Post. In a dream, I saw President McKinley sit up in his coffin pointing at him. What? Where was this? This is a part of his dream, he's now saying. So McKinley's like, just do it. Stop. Set up at his coffin, pointing at a man in monks attire in whom I recognized Teddy Roosevelt. Dude, so far it's really got a strange.
Starting point is 00:34:41 It's just so, yeah, it's like, okay. You know, Teddy Roosevelt did a mugs out of it. Yeah. The dead president said this murder, this is my murder, avenge my death, to prevent is better than to defend. Never let third term party emblem appear in an official ballot.
Starting point is 00:35:02 I am willing to die for my country. God has called me to be his instrument So help me God Go go then go sit this is it yeah, well listen I don't even remember that I'm out the door you know Okay, it's my fault look You don't need to be writing these things down. Go get him.
Starting point is 00:35:25 That reminds me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no more poems, no more poems, no more manifestos. Jesus Christ. That Teddy Rosso is very popular with the working man, and he stopped at train depots and hotels to speak on his campaign tour. Sure. The Secret Service doesn't protect candidates. And Teddy was always packing.
Starting point is 00:35:52 That was his thing. He was always what? Packing. OK. John decided to do the deed away from New York because he didn't want to press. Do the deeds? Shoot the president.
Starting point is 00:36:01 Whoa. Or shoot the wannabe president. Well, hold on, this is big. We're getting there. It's great. I told you he's had enough to know. I'm like, finally, my man. Let's go.
Starting point is 00:36:14 So he doesn't want to do, he wants to do it away from New York because he doesn't want the press to say he'd been hired by Wall Street. Naturally. Ah! Fair concern. He borrowed $350 from someone telling him that he had a rich uncle who had died in New Orleans and he had to go there to get the money and then he was going to come back. Amazing bullshit. I probably knew it was bullshit. Yeah, just shut up. Yeah. Whatever. So if I go see him,
Starting point is 00:36:57 then I'll get that, come back, and double your money. Hell yeah. This is not about me avenging McKinley. What? He's not my ghost buddy. McKinley's dead, probably in heaven. I haven't even met him. We don't sleep together like the three stooges in a bed with night caps on. No Surrey. I never even met the guy. He's a ghost. I've never met his ghost. We don't have a handshake. There's a lot of things. I just have to go to New Orleans to get your money back. You give me that 350. I go that why don't I just go there and get that money from my uncle? Great question. No. What?
Starting point is 00:37:33 Give it to me. I'll go get it. Unrelated to McKinley. Who is dead? And Teddy Roosevelt, even if he had something to do with it, that's not what the money's going towards. You sound fucking crazy. I would say you're making up very specific denials that are very weird.
Starting point is 00:37:53 I just swear to God, I'm sick of your shit. Wait, are you trying to borrow money? Yes, I need it. Okay, yeah, I mean it makes a lot of sense. Okay. Yeah. I mean, it makes a lot of sense. Yeah. Awesome. So, he told his landlord he was visiting an uncle in the Pacific Northwest.
Starting point is 00:38:14 So, he's not familiar with guns. That's good, right? Seems like a good setup we have here. He went to a Yorkville gun store and asked for a 38. Nice. But the Russian roulette model, huh? Yeah. And one bullet. How did these work? But he needed a pistol permit and he didn't have one. What a wild time. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to super strange little time we had back then So he doesn't have one so the clerk is just like well I could take out a screw so the trigger won't work
Starting point is 00:38:58 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey clerk what I Can take it halfway I could take out a screw so it doesn't work. Perfect. I'm sure I can't find that screw anywhere. And John said, well, he wanted a working gun. Oh, this is not your shop. We're almost guns. You never heard of us? Nearly guns in ammo, they call us. Yeah, that's not going to be great. Yeah. So you want a working gun. Yeah, the whole. We'll get you 95% of the way there, but then you're on your own. I need the whole thing to- Yeah, that's not your place.
Starting point is 00:39:29 Shoot a bullet. Yeah, right? I'm gonna- I'm gonna- Right at the president. No, well, I didn't hear that last part, but we don't have fully functional weapons here. Yeah. I really, really, really need to kill the president because this ghost bothering me. What I could give, yeah, is a picture of a gun.
Starting point is 00:39:51 Would that help? No. All right. How about a bunch of bullets? Yes. Great. We're the gun. Yeah, okay.
Starting point is 00:39:59 But, uh, nowhere to put the bullets. In the gun. Yeah, meet me there. God, what a silly negotiation. So he tells the store owner that he's leaving for New York that day. Is he leaving New York? He's leaving New York that day. I'm about to add to the big city, my man. You're in New York.
Starting point is 00:40:22 Can't wait. What's it like? Don't tell this, hey, Seed. Who he gets? He shows the owner of the ticket, and then the clerk sells him the gun because he's like he's leaving town. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:40:36 All right, maybe it isn't a wild time. You swear to God, you're not gonna kill anyone before you leave town with that thing. Honors system. Fine, here's the screw. So John gets on a steamship to Jacksonville, Florida. He has a suitcase. It has one change of clothes, a razor, two books,
Starting point is 00:40:57 his naturalization papers, his deed, papers he'd written, and the gun. This is quite a case. One of the papers he'd written is a letter written to dear lady. Oh God. In it, he asked for her forgiveness for making love so abruptly.
Starting point is 00:41:20 What? Wait a minute. Now. What? Wait a minute. Now, first of all, look, we've all written letters to women we've not satisfied. So let's not poke too much fun. I know I've done that before. Just roll over as you're smoking the cigarette, and she's like, Jesus Christ, you're like, here. This is a form letter. So sorry.
Starting point is 00:41:52 You bet you didn't know Hallmark made a card for a premium chair ejaculation, did you? Here you are. It says, it wouldn't have happened if your tits were so great. Read the end where it says happy come hunting. So I just love this. Yeah, it's a made- No, you think that was dear lady.
Starting point is 00:42:22 Do you think that was written to the woman on the boat that he never banged or to another woman that he maybe banged and he was like, oops. It's probably, it's probably a sec. I can't shoot this gun, but boy, I pop off. Wish someone took a screw out of me. Maybe he's just got, maybe he's just got it for the future. He's just like, well, this is going to happen. This is just kind of fest thing.
Starting point is 00:42:44 Before we start, I, this is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen I think it started up by saying oops. Do you know what a start finishes? So other papers had text to like- Did he write some for like really giving it good? Just in case. I have them for every occasion. So are you orgasm so much. Apologies for our sore pubises. Oopsy wrong-hole didn't know.
Starting point is 00:43:39 I flipped you over so fast, I just, I'm sorry. Cliped you over so fast, I just, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:43:49 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:43:57 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yes, McKinley was watching.
Starting point is 00:44:07 Go, kill the president. We got this, bud. No! Sorry, I kept bringing up McKinley. Oh, boy. Sorry, I asked if you minded if my ghost friend took a spin. You minded if my man McKinley goes McKinley goes some McKinley says he loves your tits
Starting point is 00:44:33 I didn't say that I want to ascend oh for fuck sake totally into it. I should have just picked a different guy I think I went into the wrong apartment You are awful. Lunch man. Say lunch man, enter me. Oh, no. No. No.
Starting point is 00:44:59 There's a red flag when he put a survey at around his neck. So his papers had things written like, quote, Roosevelt is trying to commit race suicide on the American nation. Whoa, hold the phone. What? And two terms is enough for the best president, Washington. Oh boy, here we go.
Starting point is 00:45:21 And Roosevelt's ambition murdered me, McKinley. Oh my God. That's not a quote. No, basically. So the ship stops in Charleston, South Carolina. And while he's there, he grabs a paper to see where Teddy planned his campaign stops. Why is he on route if he has no clue where he's going? He knows he's in the South, so... Okay, all right. And he looks at the papers and he decides, well, I'm going to kill him in Atlanta on the 28th. Jesus Christ.
Starting point is 00:45:57 And that's a 300 mile train ship from Charleston. So he gets a room in the Mosley National House. He pays for a whole week because he needs to leave his suitcase there and you couldn't check luggage back then. Wait. Walk me through this. He got a room for his suitcase. Because he couldn't check luggage.
Starting point is 00:46:22 I shouldn't say that I allowed. Wait. Wait. The fucking hotels will start doing it again. I know, yeah, after what we went through today, Jesus Christ. But so he's just going to what? Take his gun basically? Yeah, he's going to take a gun and like his premature apology letter or whatever.
Starting point is 00:46:37 Yeah, he's check off letters. Yeah, yeah, as weird Jack letters. And then just leave the suitcase in the room, but he's not coming back. He's planning he's planning on coming back he's planning on killing Roosevelt and then coming back and being like that was wild he still has to deliver the letter to dear lady wait what do you mean I think he has that letter because he's gonna mail it at some point. To who? To dear the lady that he has with.
Starting point is 00:47:09 But we don't know who she is though. No, apparently he doesn't either. Because he said he is. He's a lot of pressure on the postman. Because he said dear lady, but at some point. Can you get this to lady? There's a sad woman out there. She said find a woman who looks unfulfilled There's not a lot of them in this era. Yeah, it's well. It's all of them
Starting point is 00:47:35 So so that's a three-and-a-mile train trip from Charleston He got it he gets the room he put leaves the suitcase and On the tour there's ten he's been on this nation-wide tour. There's been threats against him, against his life. Authorities are like, well, they're all coming from the workers of the IWW, the Wobblies, are doing it, dirty, dirty, dirty commies.
Starting point is 00:48:00 In Los Angeles, Teddy's train had been met by three cars of plain-lose cops wielding shotguns. And now he was in Joppa, Missouri, where he was driven down the street, standing in a convertible, singing, they'll be a hot time in the old town tonight. That was a rough writer's song that he liked to sing on the campaign. Listen, tour. It's a low bar now for who you're going to vote for. I would give in.
Starting point is 00:48:27 I would cave. I mean, what? Yeah. There's going to be a hot one tonight. Jesus Christ. Where is glasses? They went off like blocks ago. 20,000 people came to see Teddy speak at the stadium.
Starting point is 00:48:48 In San Jose, a man had gotten into the presidential race, and he brought a chicken to live in his house. Well, okay. Hold on. Let's all process a little bit. Okay. He was so into what he brought a chicken.
Starting point is 00:49:04 And said he'd written out the will of God, which he'd let Teddy read to the people once he was president. Is that it? That's the whole deal. And the chicken wrote the letter, or he's just, it was just part of his, the chicken he's just like, I got it.
Starting point is 00:49:26 Also, I have a chicken. Yeah, it's like... In case you're worried about where this is coming from, I do have a chicken with me. We share space and a turl it. Yeah. Uh, and he was put in a mental hospital. Why? According.
Starting point is 00:49:41 Were there any flags? According to our author, Gerard Helfrich, quote, another victim of the fevered presidential campaign. So so excited. Yeah. He bought a chicken. He... How's chicken? Yeah, he has a chicken that he lives with.
Starting point is 00:50:01 House, house. And he said after Roosevelt wins, he'll introduce him to God. He'd written out the will of God, and he came into Teddy to read to the people. The God's will? Yeah. The idea.
Starting point is 00:50:19 God, having a will is amazing. And to Jesus, my rock. And my boy died for all those sins. You get all the rocks. Boy. So John gets on a train. He just has his manifesto and the 38. Sure.
Starting point is 00:50:43 And he goes to Augusta and gets a room at the planter's hotel under the name Walter Ross. Okay. Teddy would be in Atlanta in two days and John is going to take care of him there. But then he decides looking at the schedule, he'll do it in Birmingham before Atlanta. Oh, he's got the itch. He got the itch so he goes there but Teddy's train skips Birmingham. Son of a bitch. And it's just stopping in small town so John jumps on the train to rush back to Atlanta. He arrives
Starting point is 00:51:16 30 minutes before Teddy's train arrives. Oh, thank god. Okay, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Hi, pardon. I just want to have a good seat. I'm McKinley's roommate. Stop saying that. It's Christ. Pardon. The chicken guy's like, hey, some of us have been waiting.
Starting point is 00:51:39 Easy, Clex. Um, so Teddy's supposed to speak at the Atlanta Auditorium in armory. So he gets there It's already sold out. He's too late to get inside So John waits in the crowd on the street. He didn't plan this great. Planning it fine I don't think so a lot of on the fly mistakes. I'll go to burbing him shit. I'll go to Atlanta. He sold out fuck. Okay Well, he waits on the street. Okay.
Starting point is 00:52:08 And then he sees Teddy arrive and go in. Inside the crowd cheers and the band played onward Christian soldiers as the audience sang along. And as the speech went on, John kind of crept closer and closer to the building. Oh, to the building. So people are outside. Yeah, it's fully packed on the street.
Starting point is 00:52:30 Inside two Wilson voters, Heckle Teddy and Chanted Wilson, Wilson Wilson. And so Teddy started going after the He hecklers and the crowd goes nuts. Nice, probably a good clip for Instagram. Yeah. And then someone yells that he should not have tried to get the GOP nomination and people are cheering and there's hissing. Now there's a guy, there's a bull moose guy, MT Floyd and he's by the stage. Bull moose, he bull mo like him, though. Teddy.
Starting point is 00:53:07 The Bomuz party. Yeah. Right. Not a Bomuz. Well, I mean, I'd love to see it. I'd love to see the conception. Oh, it's my guy. A man next to Floyd with a quote, moon-shaped face.
Starting point is 00:53:27 What? That guy from the McDonald's commercials? That's right. Wow. He seems really agitated at the moon-faced guy. Moon-guy? Moon-face guy. He then tries to climb up on the stage and Floyd tells Moonface to back off.
Starting point is 00:53:46 It relax, Moonface. You shouldn't come out at night. But he keeps trying. So Floyd finally just punches him in his Moonface. Jesus. And drops him and the cops grab Moonface and carry him out. Okay. So John is now made into the front,
Starting point is 00:54:04 but because of everything that was going on inside, Teddy goes out the side door. Bastard. Fucking moon face. So now John jumps on a train for Chattanooga where he's going to arrive at 9.30 pm and he gets there and the street is closed to traffic at the depot and cops are holding back a large crowd and John goes over and stands in front of the cars the cars are there to get Teddy when he gets there. Hey there people listening to the dollop. This is Gareth. Yes this is the same guy. I listen I have a new podcast called We're Here to Help that I'm doing with my friend, Jake Johnson.
Starting point is 00:54:48 It's basically a call and advice show where we don't say that we're professionals because we aren't, but we try to help people with problems that are important to them. You can listen to it wherever you listen to podcasts and it is out right now. So go listen to We're Here to Help with Jake and Gareth. We're here to help with Gareth Garrett. We're here to help with Garrett and Jake. I don't remember how we did it, but either way, fun, half hour comes out Tuesday, August 22nd, and episodes will be out every Tuesday and Friday. We're here to help. And he just gets in from there's not really a crowd over there. Okay. Interesting. The cops are like, that's fine. Hey, the guy just
Starting point is 00:55:29 standing in front of the car staring at him. Yeah, but he's the only guy. So the way this works is the guy talking to, well, he's talking to someone, these are red wings. Nice. The guy, let me push up to you thing I can do. 14. 38. Double plus 10. Go. Shit, I did a merlier some sort.
Starting point is 00:56:03 What? Yeah. She is. I did a merler some sore. So Teddy comes out of the depot. He's waving his hat at the crowd. Hello! Where are my glasses? Whoopsie! That was a stupid look. Now you always has convertibles. Sure. Smart. Again. It is. A trend that stopped eventually for some reason. Yeah, that did stop. Yeah, that did stop. Had a good run. And, uh, and he always would stand up and wait as the car drives.
Starting point is 00:56:34 Hey! Gets in the car, stands waving. The car drives right towards John within 10 feet of him. Jesus Christ. And he does nothing. What a fucking... What a bitch!
Starting point is 00:56:48 What? You can just hear McKinley go screaming. Now, now, now, now, now! What the fuck? 12 years, John! I... Three terms! I choose... Jesus Christ!
Starting point is 00:57:06 So I saw him. John stop. And I saw his big old mustache. You are all talk. And I thought. John shut up. I don't want my buddy McKinley to go away. Oh my God! Come on!
Starting point is 00:57:22 You're my ghosty. No, I have to be returned to the wild where I belong. That's not even me. Just think about it like I'm an injured fawn. You've gotten me ready to go. Now it's time for me to leave. I can't be domesticated. I was the fucking president.
Starting point is 00:57:40 Get me out of here, shithead. Don't yell at me! Oh God, I just, I literally just went, someone in that apartment will probably do it, and then this has just been a living hell. God damn it! You and your weird poems your lady letters He was right there dude in a convertible Yeah, yeah
Starting point is 00:58:18 It ain't gonna get sweeter than that. I mean he was showing where his head was you know who's Flotting and taunting you know who sweet though stop You are wait a, am I lady? Pfft. You fucking in cells. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you weird little men.
Starting point is 00:58:42 Just go get laid. Come on, just bananas. If you stop, no. Take care of me. No. I'll take care of Teddy. I told you, my hands can't grab things. Otherwise, I'd take the fucking gun and do it myself.
Starting point is 00:59:09 Anything about your mouth. You didn't say anything. Anything about your mouth. Anything about your mouth. Okay, this is... This was just like the simplest little plan. Pfft! 12 years.
Starting point is 00:59:28 Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, you sigh. You must be exhausted. So, John Book's a room in Chattanooga.
Starting point is 00:59:43 He... He hasn't... He didn't shoot him, but he's still, he's not done. He's still like, I need to kill him. I gotta kill him. He's still gotta kill. No, no, no, the butterfly's out of the way.
Starting point is 00:59:55 Let's move. Dreser Hussle over, opening night. He says it's clearly not meant to be in Chattanooga. If it was, if it was destined to be, it would happen. Let's be there. What have happened? Yep, it's Fingo. You know, he's in charge ofanooga. If it was destined to be in that house. Let's be there, it would have happened. Yep, it's Fingo. Even though he's in charge of all that.
Starting point is 01:00:08 Yep, right, but still, didn't happen there, wasn't meant to be. That's right. Yep. So Teddy takes a campaign break, he goes back to New York, he does a little time in DC. But John was in New York. Yeah, so, yep.
Starting point is 01:00:24 But he's not gonna to shoot him there. Why? Because he doesn't want the people to think that he's attached to Wall Street. That's right. This guy cares about Wall Street. So there's a hearing. The both Democrats and Republicans want a smear teddy, so they do
Starting point is 01:00:47 like a, it's called the CLAB committee where they try to smear from being corrupt. So Teddy, sorry, John heads to Evansville, Indiana. He doesn't know where Teddy's going next, and that's like a central location in the country. He really, this planning is not great. It's great. Now he'd left his suitcase six days ago and he'd only cleaned his shirt once and bought new underwear once. So he's not looking great at this point. So he went to the sterling hotel and the manager thought he was maybe on drugs.
Starting point is 01:01:21 It was a little bit off. There was a room available but he said maybe not for you because it's on the third floor. And John said, quote, don't judge me by my appearance. All I want is a clean bed. He said he was from New York and he'd been traveling to learn about the United States. He registered under the name John Fleming. And that night he had six beers in the hotel saloon for his entire
Starting point is 01:01:47 Stay he left his room in the morning Never ate at the hotel and then came back at night and had some beers. Okay Teddy announced his new campaign tour Michigan Minnesota Wisconsin Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Maryland, New Jersey. Wisconsin, huh? Wisconsin. A great state by a great lake. Texas of the North. No. Sorry. Home of Scott Walker.
Starting point is 01:02:22 Buh, sorry. Home of Scott Walker. Buh. Buh. But also, fuck you. Great empire of Foxconn. Yeah. By the way, give it a shot. I got a good feeling about Foxconn.
Starting point is 01:02:44 That's where your little jenky iPad probably came from. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Ask it you where you are. Um, so Taft is now calling Teddy a despot. Quote Mr. Roosevelt and his followers in their tendency would do away completely with the Constitution formed by the fathers of the Republic. That would be a monstrous form of despotism that quickly would utterly destroy our liberties and lead to the establishment of a monarchy, probably by a referendum of the people themselves. Anyway, not much has changed.
Starting point is 01:03:18 Well you look like if Golden Corral was a man. Thank you. Enough a taft. President balloon. Big old taft. Michelin taft. McDonald's man. So John now went to Chicago and he went to the train station where Teddy's train was scheduled to stop, but nobody was there. Because Teddy's train had been switched and was now going to Central Station. So now he was right there. He was? He was like 10 feet away from him, and now he's like,
Starting point is 01:03:57 so his train is now, oh shit, OK. Yeah. As McKinley's like, uh... Um, so... Okay. Now, yeah. Yeah, burp. I had a hiccupy thing. So John went to Teddy's hotel and he stands in front.
Starting point is 01:04:15 He was looking like this. Hello. I'm a Bellboy. Hi. And Teddy arrives. Hello! Extra, extra newspapers will have of some modem soon. But John did not have his gun.
Starting point is 01:04:36 What? There's a good reason. No. There's a good reason. What they fell off his nose? He'd read He read that the city was planning a really nice reception. I don't think this guy wants to do it So it would be wrong to kill Teddy in front of all the nice people who came out for the reception Think about McKinley's probably like trying to drown himself now
Starting point is 01:05:05 Can a ghost re-die? Is that possible? Well I don't want to do it in front of all those people. So why is he there? Why is he there? I'm going to go to the person alone. Why is he there? Why is he there?
Starting point is 01:05:17 In a bathroom. He's going to do it. Just stop front of people. Don't be done with people. And not in a cool event. Then don't fucking go. They plan to rad party, man. Just what you need, the gun and him need to be there together.
Starting point is 01:05:32 That's those are two elements that must coexist in order for this to occur. You've really lost your shit when you're saying, Quote, gun and him need to be there together. I'll just send the gun in my stead. And I'll just go to the bar and drink nine beers. Gun and man together! Gear Threadolds. It's a fair thought.
Starting point is 01:05:56 So Teddy has two speeches planned in Chicago that night. So he's going to get him in one of the speeches. Yes. Does he have the gun? Yeah, he'll get the gun. Don't you talk to me like that. He's going to get him in one of the speeches. He is. Does he have the gun? Yeah, he'll get the gun. Don't you talk to me like that. He's going to kill a man. Yeah, OK.
Starting point is 01:06:10 The first is at the Coliseum. Do it here. So John waits in the crowd out front. Once again, Teddy goes out the side door. Thwarted. Just go to the side door. Now, Teddy's been out campaigning for a while and he's exhausted. His voice is starting to fall apart a little bit.
Starting point is 01:06:34 So doctors make him rest and have him cancel speeches. So the next big speech is in Milwaukee. Yeah. I mean, seriously, not that excited. Okay. I'm like, yeah, whatever. So John gets on another train, goes to Milwaukee. Now, once there, because he's trying to take it easy.
Starting point is 01:07:03 If this guy has a drinking problem, and he goes to Milwaukee's, ha ha ha ha ha. Wait, what? I'm home! I'm home! I'm home! Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're at a deep fried beer.
Starting point is 01:07:14 Ha ha ha. What? Yeah. You can fry a beer. You can? Oh, yeah. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. McKinley's like, Oh yeah! Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
Starting point is 01:07:26 My Ken is like, mother fucker, listen to me. Uh, you ever had a Milwaukee car bomb? No. Oh, that's where your Japanese slits into a blast! LAUGHTER Give it a whirl! Stick around for a while. Okay.
Starting point is 01:07:48 How about a sausage filled with beer? It's called a brat thirst. Oh. How about a kill the President Bassa? Yeah. President Chokintari. You know who loves this town, TAST. So, trying to take it easy, Teddy plans, when he gets to Milwaukee, have a quiet dinner alone,
Starting point is 01:08:16 and then go to the auditorium for the speech. Sure. But a man from the Wisconsin Progressive Committee gets on the train and begs Teddy to go to a dinner that they had planned. Okay. A.O. Gerard also got on the train. He was an ex-Ruff writer who had fought with Teddy and once been Teddy's bodyguard.
Starting point is 01:08:38 Okay. So Teddy asked him to hang out with him while he's in Milwaukee. Okay. John is across the street from Teddy's hotel in a saloon. This guy's this commitment is not great. And he's got all the... I'll get drunk before I shoot him. He's got all these newspapers in his pockets because he's always reading papers
Starting point is 01:09:01 and they're like sticking out so he tells the bartender he's a journalist. I have a room. This is how we dress. You can tell because I have a bunch of papers other people wrote. Ha ha ha. Hey, what are you doing here? Pazie, I'm giving journalists a couple of beers for free. Be great.
Starting point is 01:09:18 Now, Teddy's doctor tells him he needs rest. But there's a lot of pressure for Teddy to go to this dinner because it's all the local guys who are working on the campaign. And then what him says, well, if you don't go, the guys will be disappointed. So Teddy agrees. That's it. Teddy says, quote, while I want to be a good Indian.
Starting point is 01:09:39 Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay. Well, Teddy, let's talk about that at a different time. That'll take a while. The doctor had to be assured there would be no crowd for Teddy to push through. He's like, he's gonna be on the wild. He is unable to push through crowds for a while.
Starting point is 01:09:59 Teddy, you can do very little, but you can go have this dinner, but no pushing through You will spot he will not be able to take it. It's I'm the bully push push crowder You but no you can't do it think of your glasses boy. Oh Fall right off. Oh your shoulders are both separated from crowd shoving Sweet God man if he pushes through one more crowd, he'll die. That's it.
Starting point is 01:10:28 That's it for him. So John keeps drinking while Teddy's in the hotel. Well, I guess I'll do one more. I do one more. And then he asks the band. There's a band in the band. John does? Yeah, there's a band.
Starting point is 01:10:44 Hey, my ass. You know, Zach, I don't get a penny. Rosemales got a dice in. Two, three, four. I was going, I got a major list. I don't know if anybody could tell that I am obviously involved in the newspaper industry. Just say for, for newspapers I have.
Starting point is 01:11:01 So he asked the band to play the star-spangled banner. Give me a favor, we play the National Anthem real quick. Which was weird. And Kealee's like, close your tab, dude. And as the- A parallel bardis. As the band played the star-spangled banner, John danced a little jig.
Starting point is 01:11:27 Man, man, man, man, man. Can you- I can't help picturing. Can you go back to his outfit a few pictures ago? Because every time- I just picture this. Every moment is- this is what I picture. Newspapers out of the pocket going up to the bed like, you're like, this man, man, everything. Every awesome
Starting point is 01:11:47 Nobody's ever danced to this song before Another one Even like a carman, this is a coupé. And the whole... I'm just fucking out, respect this bitch. Oh, that's right, flag waving, flag going everywhere, push this shit. I'm climbing the flag pole up to the stars and bars, and I grab it, and I take the flag. And I lay it down on a bed, and finish super early and give it a letter. And brave!
Starting point is 01:12:38 I do one more. Hey, and driving. He then ordered around for the bar at 8 p.m. He headed to the front of the hotel I gotta close his tab. I'm gonna go kill Teddy Roosevelt And once there he pushed his way to the front of the crowd Who's me? excuse me Excuse me. I had a kill
Starting point is 01:13:29 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, that chilt. We got you, dead. I keep going on and on. Yeah, you're fucking rambler. He'll be fine, bro. As Teddy's group walked out of the hotel, the huge crowd cheered, and the cars pulled up front. There was one cop stationed there. There was one cop stationed there. I'm on a break. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ajar told people to get away from the car and Teddy got in and then he stood and waved his hat. Right in front of the car, John pulled his gun and shot at Teddy's head. Teddy saw the flash. He heard the shot and then he fell back saw the flash, he heard the shot,
Starting point is 01:14:06 and then he fell back against the seat, and he raised his hat and smiled, and then he slumped. This is a very confusing moment. I'm dying. I've embarrassment for the guy who missed me. Albert Martin was next to John and he jumped onto John as John was aiming again. And he threw John face down and started strangling him. I'm a journalist.
Starting point is 01:14:36 McKinley's like harder, choke the fuck it shit out of him. You kill this man, you kill this man, you kill this man. End it. Who gets this drunk before an assassination? She's as Christ. Gerard Yeilden Martin to give him the gun, but Martin was not going to stop the choking. Quote, I'll be damned if I do.
Starting point is 01:15:01 I love the quotes from Batman. Two cops moved in, but the press secretary pulled his gun and told the cops if they took another step, he'd kill them, so they backed off. All right, relax buddy, we're nobody wants to fight. He then pointed his gun at the crowd and told them to back off, and they did. An immigrant named Frank Bukowski had been besieged. It was perfect. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:15:30 Had been besieged, John, he hit his arm when the pistol was raised, then jumped on him and yelled, quote, kill him, kill him, kill the scoundrel! A cop thought he meant Teddy and clubbed Bukowski on the head. No, Jay, that's right. Problemaverted. Bukowski's dead. Yeah, she necrased me. Henry Cochems was with Teddy. So he asked Teddy if he was okay and Teddy said,
Starting point is 01:16:08 quote, he pinked me, Harry. Oh shit. The crowd chanted, quote, kill him, kill him, kill him. Nice. So Teddy stood and said, don't kill him, bring him to me. What the fuck is happening? And they pulled John over to Teddy and then Martin held John's face So it was pointed up to Teddy's face. What? And Teddy stared into his eyes. I'm taking your soul McKinley's like I'm gonna pull. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
Starting point is 01:16:58 oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh So, okay. So Teddy then said, take him to the auditorium for the speech. What is, so, okay. Teddy was not hit at all. The doctor asked to see his wound. Others told Teddy he had to go to the hospital and Teddy said, I'm fine. Quote, you get me to that speech.
Starting point is 01:17:19 It may be the last one I shall ever deliver but I am going to deliver this one. What the fuck? Teddy then stood and told, but I am going to deliver this one. What the fuck? Teddy then stood and told the crowd he was going to the hall. His brains are falling out of his head. He was singing the new speech. And it was going to be real. He was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, Mully! Mully, brah! As the car drove, Teddy still refused to let the doctor see the wound.
Starting point is 01:17:50 He shouldn't be driving. Harriet somehow got in the gun and he showed it to Teddy and then another man noticed a hole in Teddy's overcoat and said, you've been shot. Mm-hmm, yeah. Teddy quote, I know it. LAUGHTER You don't got to tell me! Ah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 01:18:15 I'm going to tell me, it's my organ. This coat's ruined. Teddy then opened the coat and his vest was bloody. Jesus Christ! He was going to give a speech! Come on now. At this point I probably can't push through the crowd though. Dr. Zorders!
Starting point is 01:18:35 That's it. At this point Teddy went pale. Again, everyone wanted to go to the hospital but Teddy refused. So come on. When they got to the auditorium, a campaign guy walked up and asked Teddy if they could hold for a bit because they need to collect more donations. So I mean, I know you're in a rush. Can we hold for 25?
Starting point is 01:18:57 This is what Teddy said. Quote, well, Mr. Young, Mr. Well, Mr. Bloodgood. Is that his name or is that he's just okay? Oh, that's his name. The irony. Well, Mr. Bloodgood, I guess that's all right. You know, I've been shot. We know.
Starting point is 01:19:17 We know. I've got a bullet in me right now, but I'm going to make that speech if it's the last thing on Earth I do. Absolutely, and nobody wants it to happen fast to the nest head. We just need about another 25. We really do. We want to make sure we get all the donations in. And people are still kind of mulling around.
Starting point is 01:19:34 Oh, great. This is Milwaukee. They'll be up at the bar for a while. We want them to be all seated. So, just give us a minute. But we are so excited. You are gushing. So just give us a minute. We'll just get it together. And what do your eyes want open? But, uh, hang in there. I am sleepy. I bet you
Starting point is 01:19:53 are. You look tuckered out. Yeah. You are as white as a sheet. Yeah. I've been bleeding for a while. Yeah. No, it is. It's real bad. Oh, can't. A bunch of it just squirted out when you push like that. That was crazy. Bit of a geyser, huh? Look at that. That's what I get excited about. Yeah, I got a bunch on me.
Starting point is 01:20:11 Oh, gosh. There's something else I was going to tell you. Hold on, I'll remember it. Oh, God. Boom-boy. Yeah, no, it's pretty bad. Yeah. Okay. Nothing.
Starting point is 01:20:31 You are not conscious. Hello. Hey, welcome back. Now, have I talked to you? Yes, I'm blood good. Come on. Yeah, I know, it's true. You know, I was out in the street and I sucked a man's soul out through his eyes.
Starting point is 01:20:51 We heard about that. That was awesome. This is an incredible way to die probably. I think that bought me extra time. Yeah. We do need to hold for an additional 10. Okay, sorry. So Teddy finally lets the doctor examine him.
Starting point is 01:21:09 And he had a jagged wound a half inch across below his right breast. They asked if there were any other doctors in the hall and two came back. So now the three doctors talked to Teddy and he says he's feeling no pain. I'm good. They told him not to make the speech. Now the three doctors talked to Teddy and he says he's feeling no pain. I'm good. They told him not to make the speech. I got this. And so Teddy then asked for a clean handkerchief and put it over the wound.
Starting point is 01:21:34 Quote, now gentlemen, let's go in. There we go. That ought to do it. Look, it goes in like it's a magician. That's crazy. Is that a dove feather? So then he goes out on stage to make this beach. Harry tells the audience, Teddy has been shot. So listen, tonight is it really crazy night. Teddy's dying. Teddy rose about, ladies and a gentleman. Well when he said Teddy had been shot the crowd hissed and one man yelled fake fake oh man with a cue sign
Starting point is 01:22:17 So Teddy opened his coat to show his bloody vest and people gasped and women screamed Why is he doing this? This is psychotic. Yeah. Ten he quote, I do not know whether you fully understand that I have been shot, but it takes more than that to kill a bull moose and the crowd went nuts. If that was taft, that would be fudge coming out of him. Or saltwater tafty. Thank you.
Starting point is 01:22:56 Leave him alone. You're among friends. Teddy took out his speech from out of his breast pocket. There were two ladies. What the fuck is, that's the wrong one. There's two holes in every page. Oh my God. Lay down for securing doesn't dress bullet hole.
Starting point is 01:23:16 Laborers wouldn't mean time. They would be put to dissadvent bullet hole to the curb. Ha, ha, ha. He said the bullet was still in him, so it wouldn't be a long speech. Forgive me if I cut this short and I mean life. He had a hard time breathing. He couldn't say really long sentences. What is he doing? An older woman said they all wanted him to sit and Teddy thanked her but said he didn't mind. I'm fine. At one point he staggered and the doctor rushed over but Teddy told him, quote, I'm not sick at all, I'm alright, let me alone.
Starting point is 01:23:54 My God. I didn't think you were sick, I thought you might have a bullet in your face. I was sad. At 35 minutes. What the fuck? What is he doing? I'd be like, I am no longer voting for this guy. What is his plan?
Starting point is 01:24:17 At 35 minutes and age, seeing Teddy was pale and weak, went out and asked him to stop. And Teddy said, No sir, I will not stop until I finish this speech. You can't stop me. Nobody can stop me. Well, the guy's eating you. I think the guy who shot you might have done it.
Starting point is 01:24:36 Okay, where was that? A few minutes later, the doctor walked over and tried to get him to stop, but he kept going. Stop it. At 45 minutes. Jesus Christ. He turned and asked how long he had been speaking. How many longer do we do?
Starting point is 01:24:51 Do we go on a lot more longer? Quote. Very well, I will speak for 15 minutes more. Why didn't you fucking lie to him? An hour 30. Yeah, you finished. 45 minutes. Oh, that's it?
Starting point is 01:25:09 Contrary to that, I have to do an hour. The crowd laughed and clapped. Yay, we're watching a man die! Yay! After 80 minutes, he stopped. What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? Why?
Starting point is 01:25:29 Why? 80 minutes. I know I'm gonna do some of my old speech stuff. Ha ha ha ha. Fucking riffing. I'm a rough riffer. After when he was done, the crowd surged. Everyone was trying to touch him. And two thought, whoa!
Starting point is 01:25:48 Oh my God! He's a hanker chiff. The fuck? Bullie. What? The cops fought them off as he was put into the car and he was taken to Johnson emergency hospital. Teddy talked the whole time, doctors wanted him to stay overnight but he refused. No, no, no, no, no, no, it's not gonna be ridiculous.
Starting point is 01:26:15 overnight, I've just been shot! Good lord! What do you think? I have a dinner! It's not the flu! Phone calls and telegrams were now pouring into the hospital. the flu, phone calls and telegrams were now pouring into the hospital. His eye glasses, his eye glass case also had a bullet hole. Wow. So it was the folded speech and the case that slowed down the bullet enough. Oh wow. A mob formed around the police station that was holding John and they chanted lynch him kill him. John told the police quote,
Starting point is 01:26:48 I wanted to put him out of the way. A man that wants a third term has no right to live. Is he dead? No, he did a 90 minute speech. He should have been like, she had him, he had to have nine beers. Why'd you buy around a shot? He then explained to the cops that McKinley had told them to do it, and it was his duty as a citizen. He took a photo in the jail, but he refused to do it in the cell. He would only do it out of the cell.
Starting point is 01:27:28 And the cops were like, all right, deal. Well, this is, we want to get a good one for you. This is a time where that's, say Tinder. That's worth money. You can sell it. Oh, okay. So it's, they sell like you sell cars. The trading cards. Yeah, it's like a thing. It's like a thing. Normal, normal place. So they put Teddy on to a train to Chicago that night. Isn't it crazy that even after he'd been shot he didn't want to stay in Milwaukee? He arrived at 3 a.m. and was taken to Mercy Hospital and... Theodore Roosevelt shot by crank and Milwaukee Street.
Starting point is 01:28:14 It's a good headline. Not serious, his message sent by Mrs. Roosevelt. Avenger Assailant calls himself. What opponent's say of the attack on Mr. Roosevelt? Pretty good. Should a shot a little bit higher. I mean, they must have been freaking out because he got shot and then gave a speech. They must have been worried that people would vote for him because of it. Oh, yeah. That's why he was probably doing it, right? Yeah, I would think so.
Starting point is 01:28:45 He's like, I'm so tough. Yeah. It's like when Trump looked at the eclipse. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Starting point is 01:28:55 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Or when Biden went downstairs. Oh! Oh! Oh!
Starting point is 01:29:04 Oh! Are heroes now? Uh! and went downstairs. LAUGHTER Our heroes now. Roosevelt shot in the chest, gives 90-minute speech. Trump walked down slippery ramp. LAUGHTER Well, now we have a president that's basically McKinley's ghost. LAUGHTER Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, everybody. Get in the little rarers. Oh, shit, we're fucked. Um, he arrives, Teddy arrives in Chicago at 3am.
Starting point is 01:29:53 He's taking a mercy hospital. About 100 telegrams an hour are arriving at the hospital. OK. The next morning, John has taken, being taken to court, but he objects. I object to being taken to court. Yeah, you can't do that. It's sustained. Well, he objected because during the struggle, after the shooting, he had lost his hat. I'm afraid I can't go anywhere. You know the rule of today.
Starting point is 01:30:23 I'll be mocked. Whatever hat. What are you crazy? They can't let me kill that guy. I think you're nuts. They found an old hat in the station for him to wear and they took him to court. All right. Better.
Starting point is 01:30:39 In the court, the prosecutor showed the judge Teddy's bloody shirt and the gun and John pleaded guilty. So, the Mac sentence is 15 years. It's a huge story. Martin, the guy who jumped on him and started strangling him. Well, there we go. Way better.
Starting point is 01:31:00 Hello. He became a national hero. So it's it's such a huge story that a nurse in the hospital received 11 marriage proposals and another got eight. Wait, what do you mean? Because they're interviewing everybody and trying to talk to everybody that's around. And so they're probably putting nurses, photos in the paper, the nurse, whatever said this. And guys are just like, oh, Mary that one Who's it? Oh, yeah, I mean always yeah, I saw you in the paper
Starting point is 01:31:34 You're mine. No, no, no. I'm merely a nurse. I just gave an interview. So stop shaking so much. Thank you We're married now. I'm already married to someone else. I read your name in the paper. I am already a legal married. It is not. That's not how it works and I'm spoken for. Jesus Christ. Bring her face over here.
Starting point is 01:31:55 No, absolutely not. No, no, no, sir. Sir, do not make the fists and then point. Stop it. No. No. No! No, I will not be married to a man like you, ever. Stop. I read your fucking name.
Starting point is 01:32:15 It's super crazy that you think that matters. The talent's always worked. It's not Bible time. No, I'm afraid that's disgusting. I've already proposed to this woman. It's not Bible time. No, I'm afraid that's disgusting. I've already proposed to this woman. I too saw her in the paper and have decided that'll do for me. Men.
Starting point is 01:32:35 So John still doesn't know if Teddy's dead or not. No one's telling him. What a weird twist. Did I do it? We're not going to tell you. How about that? That's your punishment. Maybe he is. Maybe he isn't. A reporter asked him what he thought was going to happen.
Starting point is 01:32:56 And John said, quote, I don't care a damn about the electric chair. If they bring one in here now, I'll sit in it. And they can go as far as they like. Well, you'd now all sit in it and they can go as far as they like Well, you'd have to sit in it and they would That's the electric chair they can double electric it. I don't give a shit. No, no It's like a ton of it already. He fucking electrify in me. Yeah, no they would shit. That's what they would do
Starting point is 01:33:19 No, that's the whole point of it. Bring it. It's called an electric chair All sitting a fucking chair As you will have to. And then they can fry me all fucking... You are literally stating the premise of the device. Ha ha! Bring it! It's its intent. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:33:35 Yeah. Yeah. No, I don't think you've done anything. I think I did. Okay. A new prisoner finally told John that Teddy was alive. Fuck, McKinley's gonna be furious. Going to be?
Starting point is 01:33:51 Oh, hello, friend. Fuck, I know. God fucking fucking he fuck shit fuck. Yeah. You fucking fuck shit fuck fuck. I just, he had those glasses. You had like 19 beers and danced in the fucking Star Spangled Banner like a morrow! I shoot better after a couple.
Starting point is 01:34:12 You fucking fucking idiot fuck! Look, look, look. You're mad, I'm mad, we're mad. We're on the same page here. Come on! I like it, gang shot him! I'm eternally stuck on this goddamn planet with you. I have the same page here. Come on. I can't shoot him. I'm eternally stuck on this goddamn planet with you. Together.
Starting point is 01:34:30 No fuck. Together. No. Forever. Together. Oh, see are we friends? That's fuck. I sure think that we are.
Starting point is 01:34:42 I'm sorry I missed him at that weird car. And now we're best buds for the rest of our lives. We don't need women. We are each other's wives. And a handshake will make, and it'll be super great. And anyone was to hang out. we'll say no, my friends, but kill me or me, John. Oh, say, will we sleep in the same bed at night? I don't sleep, I'm a ghost!
Starting point is 01:35:39 I'm afraid that... I had beers and jails. So when John found out that Teddy was alive, he told the deputy he wanted the bullet back because it was his property. I'm afraid. I'll see him in court. Oh I'll sue you. Quote, in after years when I am regarded as a hero that bullet will be valuable and I want it to go to the New York Historical Society. I want the gun to go to it also. Sure.
Starting point is 01:36:23 What the gun to go to it also? Sure. That, yeah. So Teddy returned to Oyster Bay to heal. He did one final speech of the campaign at Madison Square Garden, and he was clearly in pain. So when he went out to give that speech, the audience applauded for 45 minutes before letting him speak.
Starting point is 01:36:44 Also so stupid. Just. So stupid. That's like a can when they're like, oh, yeah, just fuck you. Oh, we get it. Yeah, you let it in 30 minutes of this shit. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:36:55 Didn't matter. Woodrow Wilson won the election and Republicans blamed Teddy. Well, John said he hoped Teddy would testify on his behalf at the trial. I would really love to ask him to. Is that crazy? Quote the entire case rests with Roosevelt. I know if he will come here and speak for me and adopt a broad view on the matter, I will get a light sentence.
Starting point is 01:37:21 His word will settle the whole matter. Yeah, that would totally help you. At the same time, the jail guys, the guards, said that John was like the nicest prisoner they'd ever had. But the trial did not happen. Doctors concluded John was suffering from insane delusions and that he was unable to confer with his lawyers. So he was committed to the Northern Hospital for the insane near Oshkosh was constant. John said he was sane. Sure, they only did.
Starting point is 01:38:00 So it's crazy, I talked to a ghost. Yes. Fuck. They're going to give you pills to get rid of me, which is awesome. One reporter wrote that John and his supposed victim were working together. He said the shooting was a, quote, put up job, and that Teddy was shot with a dried pea, not a bullet.
Starting point is 01:38:24 It could be verified by X-ray. Who's this guy? We're going to need you to go where John is if that's cool. It wasn't a bullet at all. It was a dried pea just put on these glasses. This is just proof that these guys have always been here. Yeah, right. Yeah. John had written a long defense while in his cell, expecting a trial. Quote, I wish to apologize to the community of Milwaukee for having caused on October 14th last great excitement, most bitter feelings and expenses. So that happened on October 14th,
Starting point is 01:38:58 so we're right on the anniversary. Oh yeah. It's exciting. What are we gonna do for it? Oh. That guy's on his phone. Yeah, that guy's on his phone. Hey shit head The treatment at the insane hospital was fresh air natural light labor games and recreation John imagine having a system like this. Yeah
Starting point is 01:39:24 John kept trying to get his gun back until a George ordered it, be given to Teddy. John said he was more sane than his keepers, but his mental health kept declining. Teddy died of opulmonary embolism on January 5, 1919. when John was told he said, quote, good man is gone. Sorry, John. What? What did you just say? Gonna miss him. That guy with his hell of a guy. He was a great guy.
Starting point is 01:40:02 A good man is gone. Personally, I admired his greatness. Always was a big fan of his. He was a great guy. A good man has gone. Personally, I admired his greatness. Always was a big fan of his. One of a kind. Yeah, really was a great guy. Fully I could have met him and shook his hand. And this is all over. I'd like to buy him a beer.
Starting point is 01:40:19 Years later, when John learned that FDR had won a third term, he was furious. Oh my God. He said if he was free, he'd quote, take a hand in the matter. And it's another Roosevelt. He's like, uh, his Roosevelt and the greedy third terms. Uh, 1943, John died of pneumonia. He was 67. His body was not claimed. And it was sent to Marquette University to be dissected by medical students.
Starting point is 01:41:00 Shit. Gold and Eagles. In his 31 years in the hospital, he never had a visitor or got a letter He was described as a good patient. Yeah, well that is It's hard. It's hard because Yeah, it'd be nice if someone visited him, but also also he's it'd be weird. Yeah to be like probably had his ghost there Yeah, you know, McKinley was in there just like What do you want to do today?
Starting point is 01:41:31 Nothing is I don't want to talk about it anymore So close though, huh? Yeah knocking on the fucking door Hopefully they bring us some more of those graham crackers. Shut the fuck up. Idiot. So, yes, that's a crazy... That's a crass.
Starting point is 01:41:53 Teddy was a big shot and crazy. Yeah, it's amazing. So, Teddy was amazing, also fucking horrible. Yeah, I was gonna, that's what I was gonna say at one point was like, you know, I mean, if that went the other way When he died, we should put his head on a wall Sources theater Roosevelt and the assassin madness vengeance and the Campaign of 1912 by Gerard Helferich. Whoa, that moved.
Starting point is 01:42:30 The attempted assassination of Teddy Roosevelt by Stan Gors, and the Wisconsin Magazine of History. Wow, fucking crazy. That is crazy. That is. Yeah, that's true. It really is, it's basically a story about against procrastination. It really is.
Starting point is 01:42:51 Move. Yeah, you really got to get, you just got to go, do it. Yeah, do it. Sit around, don't sit on it. Yeah, don't sit on your dreams for too long. Nope. You know, when the car is there, go for it. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:43:04 Still for being hammered. Great. I mean, he just... He told me to call him a walkie-shot. He just barely missed the... That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, he drank 10 beers.
Starting point is 01:43:15 Dance the jig to start spangled banners. It's just... It's honestly a story... It's a romantic story about day drinking. Like... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Day drinking is so great. Yeah, it is.
Starting point is 01:43:27 It really is. And it's just like, it's like, I'll have one with lunch. And then you're just like, yeah, yeah, all right. And then it like, for you, I'll do it to Kila. I'll, and then it ate. You're like, I'm shooting the present. Yeah, then it ate. I got a, can you close my tab out?
Starting point is 01:43:42 I have an appointment. I'll have one more bloody Mary and then I'm gonna make a bloody teddy. Oh that's good enough. Thank you everybody. We appreciate it. Thanks for coming out. Thank you. Thank you.

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