The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 635 - Francis Birtles with Wil Anderson and Ben Russell - Live

Episode Date: May 28, 2024

Comedians Gareth Reynolds and Dave Anthony examine adventurer Francis Birtles.  Tour Dates Redbubble Merch Sources   Hydrow - Code Dollop Robot-Liter  - Promocode DOLLOP...

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Starting point is 00:00:00 The dollop is brought to you by Litter Robot. You're obsessed with your cat? Love obsessed. How often do you look at pictures of your kitty? Well, I have often and I have no choice because my house is a museum to my cat. You give them the best you can, right? Everything. Everything you can have?
Starting point is 00:00:17 Yes. But the litter box can be a problem, can it not? Biggest downside to a cat is the litter box and it's the thing that turns most people off about cat owners. But now what do you have? Now I have the litter robot. What the litter robot does, and I'm not kidding, like, love the litter robot. You have an app, so it lets you know when your cat is using it. Then it automatically rotates itself and it drops whatever the waste is down to a little trap below it. And then you're just emptying that. itself and it drops whatever the waste is down to a little trap below it and
Starting point is 00:00:45 then you're just emptying that. It's basically self-cleaning and so you don't you have to empty that trap but you don't have to worry about like going in there and scooping it every time your cat uses the toilet or beyond the thing does it for you. And sends a notification to your phone yes it needs to be empty. It takes a situation that is the downside to having a cat and it just makes it totally easy and now there's no downside to owning a cat. Would you say it's a poo changer? I don't feel comfortable with your terms. I'll stick
Starting point is 00:01:13 to ones that I like and no. So your life's a lot easier and you love you love you've been talking about this for days. Love it. So as a special offer to listeners of the show go to stopcooping.com slash dollop and enter promo code dollop to save an extra $50 on any Litter Robot bundle. That's an extra $50 off any Litter Robot bundle at stopscooping.com slash dollop and enter promo code dollop at checkout.
Starting point is 00:01:40 Stopscooping.com slash dollop and enter promo code dollop. Game changer, I love it. You guys feeling ready for a show? Yeah. It's gonna be really good. I'm not gonna be allowed back into America. Which is fine. Yeah, that's like a bar burning down
Starting point is 00:01:59 and they're like, you can't come in here anymore. You're like, cool, I didn't want to. I was actually, this is terrible. Dave, predictions for the future of like, cool, I didn't want to. I was actually... This is terrible. Dave, predictions for the future of America? Good, bad? Uh, Pinochet? I'm having some tonight. That's a Pinochet. You're listening to the Dollop! This is an American History podcast where each week I, man with eyeballs, dude who has
Starting point is 00:02:40 dogs, guy who wants to hold his podcast partner's hand while we walk through the airport. Dave Anthony reads a story from American history to a man. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. And Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. Alright, okay, alright, alright.
Starting point is 00:03:23 Backstage after the show we'll show you the rest. The rest will be available on Patreon. We have two guests tonight, very excited. One's a first-timer, one's a returning champion. Give it up for Ben Russell and the great Will Anderson. Let it hear Heron everybody! Let me know if you need a doll head. If you didn't go to Ben's show, you should have here at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. He won best director, or was that best director?
Starting point is 00:04:04 Best director. Best director? Best director. Best director? Best director? Director's choice. Director's choice. So the director's choice. So the director's liked you. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:14 So directors liked him. Directors, yeah. No, comedians didn't. So, no, but every time I'm in town and he's doing a show, I see his show, as well as that guy at the end, Will Anderson. Hi, Will. Hi.
Starting point is 00:04:31 It's nice to be here. Thank you. What are you doing with the doll heads? Do you give them back or do you just... No, my goal is to go back to America with a case full of doll heads and get stopped. I mean, that does feel like a direction where you're going to go. Just have dirty laundry. Gareth finally crosses over into your own dollop.
Starting point is 00:04:51 It's about you today. I'm in jail. In plastic, waiting extradition. Let me know if you want one though. November 7th 1881. Year of our Lord. Francis Edwin Bertels was born in Fitzroy, Victoria. Did someone just go, oh yeah.
Starting point is 00:05:23 Francis Berkels? Francis Edwin Bertels Bertels Bertels Bertels yeah okay okay he was born at Fitzroy yeah yeah that's a which is basically Melbourne if you're from other places it's it's but back then probably a little ways away a jaunt right Francis was given the name of his older brother because his older brother had died earlier that year oh yeah i like that rip yeah i mean well you know i guess don't waste a good name right yeah yeah you like the name yeah back then the name wasn't the problem. The name wasn't the problem. Yeah. The name wasn't what killed him. No. Or was it?
Starting point is 00:06:05 I don't know. That'd be a weird start. We'll never know. Yeah. We'll never? Never know. They moved to the country when Francis was young. His father was a very strict Protestant.
Starting point is 00:06:20 At 15, Frank joined the merchant navy. At 15, Frank joined the Merchant Navy. So he jumped ship in Cape Town to fight in the Boer War. He had to... The Boer War. The Boer War. Was that a good war? Yeah, it was great. It was one of the better wars.
Starting point is 00:06:41 Is it in the like, top five best wars? I mean, I put it in top two, but yeah. Really? People, it's a fucking really cool war. What's the war score? What? What would you give the war score? He had to escape.
Starting point is 00:06:56 Wow. Not even a little bit of help? No, nothing. No? Just wow. It wasn't a yes, and but I wasn't even a new form of improv you might not have encountered a real no but by Life finds a way Dave's from the well actually school of improv And from the walk away school of improv
Starting point is 00:07:27 That's from the walk away school of improv. So to get off the ship he had to escape by shimming down the side with his clothes stuffed in buckets. Huh? They weren't allowed to leave the ship so he had to flee. But why is he shimming down the side with his clothes stuffed in buckets? To keep his clothes, that's just... Yeah, I mean, yeah. Okay.
Starting point is 00:07:48 What did he do with the buckets? Well, that's a question we'll never know the answer to. Oh, man, it's tough, yeah. He went to shore with buckets of clothes? Yeah, I'm sure he put the buckets down. Okay. It was a really crazy war. I'm not so sure that he's discarding the buckets so quickly. I agree. They are the things that he's got his clothes in. If he needs to lower them down the sides he also needs to transport his clothes. I agree. You're keeping the buckets until
Starting point is 00:08:23 you've got like a suitcase or something to replace your buckets. And maybe you could trade two good buckets for a suitcase back in. That's what I'm thinking, you know. You could put all your clothes into your jacket and tie it up and then tie it to a stick. So he was either too young, or So he was either too young or it was because he fled the merchant navy but the Australian militia refused to take him. It's cool how you guys are at every war just hanging out. I mean you don't start it but you're just there. And someone's gotta start him.
Starting point is 00:09:03 Don't worry, we'll figure it out so we joined the South African forces and learned how to survive in the bush and he rode his first bicycle oh wow the traditional instrument of transportation in the bush? You never forget your first time. First time on a bush bike. With all the buckets of clothes on him. Does anyone know where our suitcases? Well, this was the first war that bicycles were used in combat. Okay, so this is...
Starting point is 00:09:41 What? That's the best! I'm sorry, that is a... What? That's the best! I'm sorry, that's a tandem one? You betcha. War can be fun. That's a bicycle built for war? It's an eight-man bicycle. Are they the baddies or the goodies?
Starting point is 00:10:00 Yes. I can't believe what I'm seeing. So they were also used by field scouts and messengers, which is what Francis was. And then at some point he biked across the great Karoo desert, which was 800 miles. So riding really long distances on a bicycle was a new thing and it was called overlanding. Going over land. Interesting. Anything can be an overland. Yeah, that's true.
Starting point is 00:10:38 Yeah. If you think about it, walking. Even when you're in the ocean because there's still land. Technically, yeah. You know what I mean? Sure. You know what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah, even when you're in the ocean because there's still land Technically yeah, I mean sure you know what I'm saying. Yeah, nope nope no because there's Underneath the underneath the ocean there's land exactly. Thank you. You're welcome fuck wait. Have you seen the little mermaid? I? Actually haven't tell me about it Hold on let me I think I know what I me about it. Hold on. Let me, I think I know what answer I'm gonna get, but hold on. Hey Dave? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:11:12 Um, I was talking to Ben and um, he's never seen The Little Mermaid, the documentary Disney made. Okay. I was gonna see if maybe during the show at some point, if there's a minute where you need a minute. We can watch it right now, I'll just put it on here. Oh, I think it went too good, I think it's a trap. Oh no, we don't, we're good.
Starting point is 00:11:37 I'll just talk to him backstage. All right. In 1905, Frank came down with a blackwater fever, that's what America's got It's exciting Which was a complication of Malaria your blood vessels burst. Is that bad? I mean, it depends what you're doing.
Starting point is 00:12:09 Let's say you're riding on a bike with eight of your best friends. If you're trying to scare people, it's great. Right, okay. So he went back to Australia, where he healed, and then he decided he was going to bike from Perth to Sydney. Fuck. And then he decided he was going to bike from Perth to Sydney. Fuck me. Yeah. I mean, even by today's standards, people were like, that's too far.
Starting point is 00:12:33 Is it for charity or something? That's too far to just ride your bike. And that's like with modern day bike technology. This was the olden days. Like, we'll barely fly there to do a show like fun it's insane it's inhuman to do this in the Virgin Lounge like I mean we you know this is crazy my we're human beings they don't recommend you drive across
Starting point is 00:13:02 This guy was like... And his blood vessels are popping. Ping ping, ping ping! I reckon there will be some water up soon. At some point. Look at those prairie...er...meerkats! So, temperatures can get up to 47 Celsius, 116 Fahrenheit. So it seemed like a suicide run. Yep. A suicide bike. Yeah
Starting point is 00:13:27 But overlanders suicide overland True or water or which is still overland You can't trap me So they would just go out and hope they'd find water. So after 11 days without finding water, Frank had to turn back. That's a great option. I did not know he had that option. I don't know. Like you already know, yeah, firstly you've already ridden that far, you know, that how far back, and you know that Perth is at the other end of it.
Starting point is 00:14:07 Certainly not a pot of gold, is it? Yeah. Like this guy was literally willing to ride a bike through the desert to get away from Perth. And then he had to go back. This is the confident riff of a guy who just completed a weekend of my shows in Perth and hope that Perth will forgive me this in the year it'll take to go back again.
Starting point is 00:14:31 Yeah, like if your plane's turning back to Perth you jump out. You're like, nah! Fuck it. Shout out to Perth, it's a great time to listen at home. Appreciate the support, it's awesome to be there. I grew up there so I can say that it's fucked. That's great. Oh Took a turn. Okay, he's a Native
Starting point is 00:14:53 So he tries the second time he just leaves from a little bit of a different location. That was the problem probably yes again No water and he has to turn back Again, no water, and he has to turn back. So he tries. Wait, is he making any pivots or adjustments? Like is he discovering where there's water? He's going different routes. He went in a different direction. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:15:13 Okay, so hoping that water, sure. Yeah, so he tries again. And on the third try, he makes it to the south coast and then heads west. Days later, he ran into a plague of Marchflies. A plague? Is that like a murder of crows but worse? Yeah, yeah, I think a plague is worse than a murder. Well, okay, potato.
Starting point is 00:15:35 Um, they attacked his face and he was nearly blinded. In agony he rested for days covering his flesh with cloth and his eyes with a flower mixture And then he like a mix Put the candle in his mouth Okay, guys He uses the water for the mix that that's all the water he has. Well there we go, that'll actually do it. There we go, that'll be nice.
Starting point is 00:16:12 Okay, so I hope he has to go back to Perth. Jesus, it went worse, not good. No water's better than a plague of flies. Whose birthday is it? Nobody's. It's... Well, he rested for days, and then eventually he was able to travel again, and he reached Sydney on May 9th, 1908,
Starting point is 00:16:35 after 113 days and 6,000 kilometers. Fuck. Holy shit. Look at you. I mean... Pretty good. Spoilers, he's gotta be dead by now, but come on here. Let's listen to this story. Yeah, let's hear it, Dave. He might be here tonight.
Starting point is 00:16:52 Dave's invited his family. That would be the worst reveal ever at the end of the show. And his daughter's here tonight. Hey! We wish we'd known! Sorry about all that ass stuff. By the way, that's to come. That has an ass stuff is about halfway through every show. So, I mean, people think it's awesome awesome so he decides to ride north next.
Starting point is 00:17:29 Sydney Bike Store gave him a racing bike with Dunlop tires and another stored game of a camera to take pictures of the outback. And he left on October 21st. The bike had a headlight, a first aid kit, a water bag, two bags of food, a sleeping bag, and a rifle. A mixing bowl. Frank was what was known as a sundowner. Not like Biden, a different kind. Laughter
Starting point is 00:18:01 That's ridiculous. Some of us are pro. Nevermind. They, uh, so sundowners are travelers who just showed up at a home unannounced at around sundown. Sorry, we have a different term for that now. A burglar. Just in time for dinner. So they'd knock on the door and be like, hello, I'm traveling through. Will you feed me? And people would though. And what?
Starting point is 00:18:27 And people would feed them, right? Yes, well some would, some were happy to host, others were super annoyed because they could barely feed themselves. Yeah, yeah, but that's why you got the rifle. Yep. That's right. That's absolutely right.
Starting point is 00:18:39 Here's a name I'll get wrong for sure. Frank survived a brush fire near Gimpy. Wow, I think all you have to do is have no confidence. Yeah right. That's the secret. There he crossed a swamp and his legs were bleeding from the leeches. His feet were also cut by sharp sticks, so he covered the cuts with clay to keep the flies out. Quote, but the heat of the sun soon cracked the clay and I suffered from festering sores for weeks.
Starting point is 00:19:14 He's got to put some flair on it. Yeah, absolutely. Cake him up a little bit. Cake up his face. A little frosting. A couple of those novelty candles that keep reigniting. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Little frosting a couple those novelty candles that keep reigniting. Yeah Fuck
Starting point is 00:19:34 It's weird too cuz he's deciding to like we've had versions of this story before where it's like someone's like oh fuck We're but he's like, all right. Here we go. Yeah, like he's choosing to go Get trench foot for no reason for no reason, right? for... He's probably getting laid when he gets home. The joy of the trip, the journey. No reason, yeah. So he rode all the way up to Darwin and then he went south following a telegraph line. And one day in the middle of nowhere, he comes across three men who are driving north in a car. They were trying to be the first people to drive across the continent. He was like, that's an option What what the fuck is this weird bike? Wow and they were like, yeah sure
Starting point is 00:20:19 They chatted for a little bit and then they went their separate ways. Wow. What a story. Just the craziest thing. The fact that it was huge. We chatted. We ate cake out of his feet. The guys drove off like fucking cyclists. Some guy's walking in his lane. I hate Uber Eats. Frank arrived in Sydney after 13 months and 8300 miles.
Starting point is 00:21:00 Oh my God. Now he's getting a little bit of fame. People are starting to enjoy this. And also I like that obviously at the time it was like it's time for a photo. Could everybody look the sternest they've ever looked in their entire life. This is the most serious topic. We're about to take a photograph for history of a man who's ridden a bike all around Australia rather than deal with whatever he's actually running away from. The fact that he was named after his dead brother. I'm my old man!
Starting point is 00:21:40 Should have been Todd! Did the whole thing on a bicycle built for two, but just him? Oh fuck. He's like out there making a cake, brother. Hello, Frank One. Singing a duet alone. Exactly my mate and that's the only way. Brothers in arms. Together we're forever and a.
Starting point is 00:22:16 Yeah we're one apart. Yeah we're figuring out. Cause everything we do. No you don't Frank one. Yeah, we're one apart, no! Yeah, we're figuring it out, cause everything we do... No you don't, Frank One! Because we got it all, and I like salad! And he's a man! And running from our emotions, cause my dad sucks!
Starting point is 00:22:44 and runnin' from our emotions, cause my dad sucks! And then, yeah! Together, forever, we'll figure it out! My man brother and I! And we'll eat the bike tire, and we'll put a kick on our face, cause the flies hit us, and all over the place. Fuck. Fuck.
Starting point is 00:23:23 I guess it's okay to make fun of dead babies now. Wow. That actually made it more real. Frank. Yeah, that actually, that was a terrible moment. That was no good. I was fine with it up until that point. Same here, and I did it. No, don't put that near me. I don't want this anymore. Yeah, but don't give it to me. What do I do with it?
Starting point is 00:24:03 Put it over there! Jesus Christ, everyone relax. It was a fun moment and we're fine. Go ahead, read the next fucking, sorry. Read the next, ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.
Starting point is 00:24:16 Ha ha ha ha. So. Ha ha ha ha. Oh my God, what a tale, a bike! Ha ha ha ha. So Frank was getting a fame now. He wrote a book, he wrote for newspapers. And now he was addicted to exploring.
Starting point is 00:24:30 And he set out again. This time Darwin to Perth, then Adelaide. Hmm. Okay. And when he made it, and when he came back, Sydney goes fucking bananas. He's a national sporting hero. Yeah. Also he had filmed it, and his documentary opened up to huge audiences.
Starting point is 00:24:47 What the fuck? What did he film? The camera he was filming on? Now he has like a... Had to be an awful documentary for back then. The Australian Brush Car Company had an American made car. Every man's. The axles and chassis were wood.
Starting point is 00:25:12 For promotion, they wanted their mechanic, Sid Ferguson, to drive from Perth to Sydney, and they also hired Frank. To. As sponsors, an oil company and Dunlop Tires put fuel and tires at different spots along the route and they left on March 16th 1912 and so he's just riding along just because he's famous now he's just in the
Starting point is 00:25:39 car he's not biking yeah they thought it would help with the shirt because this is a promotional right right but easy biking like easy biking along the way no no he's in the car He's not like that but the bike on the back of the car or whatever He did bring a bike on the back of the car But he's not riding it that was just in case things got really bad and he would ride off For sure the other guy dies then he's like this goes bad. I'll just get out of here So he was still thinking about biking. Yeah, he was. Yeah, he was on there.
Starting point is 00:26:05 He was still thinking about it. You never quit. Yeah, no. Yeah. It's like riding a bike. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:26:11 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:26:15 At each day at sunrise, the flies came. Quote, the flies are unbearable. They got into our eyes, our ears, down our necks, got into our tea, and insisted on forming part of our meal. It's such a poetic way to put the fact that flies are ravaging you. They decided to become part of our meal. The flies came. The flies came.
Starting point is 00:26:43 Fuck! Right there I would not go anywhere no I'd be on that bike yeah out of there it was incredibly slow going through the scrub there was thick vegetation they also couldn't see yeah it smashed the headlights Frank would get out and hack a path at night Dingo's prowled around the camp howling. In the car, they had to sit shoulder to shoulder while bouncing on the small seat. Can I call you Frank one?
Starting point is 00:27:12 Stop asking that. And as the trip went on, they got along less and less. Oh, this is fun though, because then we know at the end what'll happen. It's the original sitcom. Soon Frank stopped talking. Oh, shit. And he just waved in the direction they were supposed to go. They didn't speak for days and days.
Starting point is 00:27:40 That is bad. And then the wooden axle broke. Oh, no, you gotta talk now We should do a whole thing on Dunlop tires for the podcast. Yeah, the Dunlop Dunlop. Go ahead. You got it? We'll pitch it. We'll figure it out over here and we'll get back to you boss The wood chassis rail then cracked they made one out of eucalyptus. That'll hold. After 20... TORCULALIS! After 28 days in Sydney, they made it in, and a crowd was waiting and cheering to greet them.
Starting point is 00:28:13 They said nothing to each other and parted. Wow. That's how this show's got to end. Yeah. Oh yeah. That's the final episode. Yeah. Did you go that way?
Starting point is 00:28:24 I got that way. Never again. I wonder what he said. Yeah. Oh yeah. That's the final episode. Yeah, you go that way, I go that way. Yeah. Never again. I wonder what he said. Yeah. Just never, never again. Never again. What was the last thing, do you reckon?
Starting point is 00:28:32 He probably gave shit to bikes. Yeah. Yeah, fuck bikes. Wow. The dog was like, brrr, brrr, brrr. That probably was the dynamic the whole time though, because when he had to get out and like chop the way
Starting point is 00:28:44 and whatever, he was like, I didn't have to get out and like chop the way and whatever, he was like, I didn't have to do this when I was on my bike. Say it again. Say it again. You're not on your bike. I'm just saying that the bike is a bit away. Yeah, no, it's great. Well, go back out here. OK, go back alone. I want to go on bike alone, but I'm being paid to be in this ridiculous contraption with you. Ridiculous contraptions.
Starting point is 00:29:00 That's the guy who had fucking cake on his eyes. So flies wouldn't eat him. You're lucky you have me. You're lucky you have. There like more flies now with this contraption than there was with the bike It's slower at least you're not going as fast towards the flies Well, let me tell you what this bike is not gonna do bring your brother back so If you bring up my brother one more time bring up your brother one more time Yeah, it's pretty hard to when you keep calling the fucking dog Frank. Oh, you you're Frank the dog's name is Alfred And that's it never told you
Starting point is 00:29:41 So now they're heroes of course So now they're heroes. Of course. Yeah, because it's a huge feat. For an entire day, Australia is celebrating, and then the next day that Titanic sinks and everyone forgets about it. Aw man, are you serious? You know they say those two captains weren't speaking to each other when that happened. Now Frank goes on a ton, and he just starts going on a ton of car trips.
Starting point is 00:30:07 Sometimes with his brother Clive? What? Is that real? What just happened? Frank is a dog. Wake up. Oh my god. This was a crazy theory for a while.
Starting point is 00:30:16 Do your own research. 9-11 was an inside joke. Frank is a dog. You think I'm fucking kidding around? haha your own research is a dog fucking kidding around government doesn't want you to know man man like a dog rode a bike across Australia and the only reason people don't know is because of the Titanic the government makes money you don't know the government makes money every It's because of the Titanic
Starting point is 00:30:55 People knew that dogs could ride bikes you think the fucking the fucking Titanic just had a fucking big thing Those pranks a fucking dog and his brother is in the new Frank. Alright that one got away from me at the end a little bit but it's just canoeing. Fuck dude. Frank is the dog the YouTube channel. Alright today we're gonna like, Frank spent his last like 10 years as a Cocker Spaniel. So there were a lot of clues along the way. So he brought back photos and film of the outback and now people are seeing the outback for the first time because of Frank and he becomes a household name. And then Ford hired him as a spokesman and gave him a Model T. Frank however became entitled. He once drove a ruined Model T to a Ford agency in the outback and demanded a new free engine. Because he was Francis Bertels. But the manager refused and Frank left livid.
Starting point is 00:32:10 The next day, a guy found an old, unconnected engine in his brand new Model T. Yeah! Smart. It just stole some poor guy's engine. Pretty good though, I mean that's a good caper. We have a mystery on our hands. Yeah. Yeah. Look at these paw prints. Pretty good though, I mean that's a good caper. We have a Mr. Lee on our hands.
Starting point is 00:32:28 Look at these paw prints. Curious. He always brought a dog on his trips. There were several dogs that he had through the, one of them didn't make it, he got caught in the, it of them, one of them didn't make it, he got caught in the, it's gonna happen. Frank was so distraught he couldn't drive for a while because he loved, he did love his dogs.
Starting point is 00:32:51 Well, because the dog was driving. Yes. Shouldn't have named him Axel. And my country, our politicians shoot him. Like heroes. country our politicians shoot him like heroes up to 33% it started 24 24% approved and now now 33% approved the dog killing it's gonna keep going up because America's fucking crazy no she makes some good points about that. She started to make more cogent points on behalf of her family. So at one point, Frank and Clive retraced Burke and Will's path.
Starting point is 00:33:40 The resulting movie was a smash hit. Of course. Nothing was happening. Now Frank also on all these trips was sure that at one point he would find gold and he was always looking for it. That's a really weird little wrinkle. Just on instant he was like there's got to be gold out here. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:34:00 Right. We should dig here. He's like the metal detector guys at the beach, but with no metal detector. Yes. Once when searching his car blew a gasket, their water was running out, and then some cows walked by with mud on their legs. So they followed the tracks until they were overcome by the smell of dead animals.
Starting point is 00:34:25 Wait. Good news, buddy. No. A waterhole clogged with dead and dying cows. This is good news? Quote, a green slime on the coats of some, dingoes had been eating them alive. Eyes picked out by crows were fly blown. I waded into the muddy water and filled the tins.
Starting point is 00:34:48 He's drinking green cow dead slime water? The slime gives it flavor. Yeah. It's called water tartare. What tartare? What tartare? What tartare? What tartare?
Starting point is 00:35:13 Shit! That's fucking awesome. Mate, it tastes like bone broth. If you have it every day you don't need to get the vaccine. Just go down there. Here, I've got these two buckets. Go down there, take these buckets down, you fill them up with the bone broth and you have that every day. I knew the buckets would come back.
Starting point is 00:35:34 You said don't keep them. I've been dragging them around Australia, but finally we need those buckets. You really stood by that plan the whole time and it's really worked out great. Now that we can drink the cow water. It's actually broth. It's like how liver king lives. Yeah. Drinks just shredded.
Starting point is 00:35:54 Every day. And steroids. Well, maybe. Hey, that's a. Come on, he works out. That's our next president we're talking about. Makes you back off, asshole. I'd vote for him. Yeah. got my vote. Oh my god we're gonna die so soon. Okay keep going. But the car engine was dead and then two Aboriginal men find them and help them pull the car to higher ground because wet season was coming.
Starting point is 00:36:25 And they set Frank up in a cave and they lived there for three months. Holy fuck. Wow. What a twist. Then after three months, they brought mail with gasket heads in them from an outback station. Like the dogs still like, Joe, what's the plan? Yeah, the dogs right on
Starting point is 00:36:46 the engine that's weird something a person would do holy shit that that trip was six months well three were in a cave yeah yeah Frank next wrote the prime minister seeking government funding to make a documentary. And the PM was sending experts at the time to survey for a railroad and thought, well, Frank can blinks, bring some glamour to this and do his own survey. Sure. And he'd give him a thousand pounds and the government bought and lent him a new Hudson Super 6, which is a big car, six cylinders. Impressive. Now, Frank would have to pay for fuel and maintenance. Weird. On the trip. And he met a new young friend, Roy Fry, and Roy
Starting point is 00:37:40 Fry joined him and Roy got no pay, just internship. It's a good name, Roy Fry. That's the sort of name that you have to say the both names. Roy Fry. How are you? Roy Fry. I'm assisted, Roy Fry, assisted. Friend.
Starting point is 00:37:57 Unpaid passenger, Roy Fry. Roy Fry. This is Frank, he might be a dog, anyway. Oh, all righty Ready I'm not sure and Out of what seemed like nowhere Frank all of a sudden got married and then left three weeks later what? Hang on the main character left what the person that we've been following this whole time Yeah, Frank all of a sudden just got married, no one knew from where she came from. Hang on, you just introduced a new character that none of us are aware of.
Starting point is 00:38:31 He just- Yes. And he married her. They literally know, all of a sudden she just popped up and they were married, no one knew anything about her, and then they took off. What was she like? What color hair? Red. Blood red. Blood?
Starting point is 00:38:50 Of course if Dave has the makeup of detail. Murder red hair. Dead eyes. Dehydrated organs. Barely a woman. He met her in that cow swamp thing that's a cow
Starting point is 00:39:14 I love her so Frank would fill up a gas stations and then say the Prime Minister was paying holy fuck that's a great move. Yeah, cannot corroborate that in any way. Well, there's no way for us to know if that's true or not. Could you still do that? Yeah. Yes. I do that, yeah. You still do that? All the time. In America, it makes no sense.
Starting point is 00:39:40 Put it on the prime minister. Ten, please. It's not fucking working again. It's with these guys. So this was at a time when he would say this, and then the gas station owner would then go in and call the Prime Minister's office. That is fucking crazy. I saw this episode of The Simpsons. I mean, it was the thought also going through my head.
Starting point is 00:40:07 I was like, oh, we are like that. You fucking are. I'm going to call the Prime Minister. Just so you know, if I should have given petrol to that fella who said the Prime Minister said he'd pay for it. If it's an emergency I cannot believe that didn't work Well we talked to the prime minister and he said he's not paying for it Fuck he answered? Yes Well the prime minister's office just said okay but we'll just take it out of his pay
Starting point is 00:40:44 $1000 minister's office just said okay but we'll just take it out of his pay. Oh yeah. So in Queensland they were driving through tall grass when they hit a stump. Frank quote, there was a roar and upshot a sheet of blinding orange colored flame. Is he describing fire? Yes. Okay. Ah. Then with clothing ablaze, I leapt out and throwing myself on the ground, roll over and over on the grass. Sure, stuff to a pro.
Starting point is 00:41:15 Yep, because of the fire. Yep. Yep. The spare tanks exploded 80 gallons. Fire shot 40 feet up. We are also brought to you by Hydro. 80 gallons, fire shot 40 feet up. We are also brought to you by Hydro. Dave, you know me. Hydro is a rowing machine, ultimate full body workout. I have one and it's designed by rowers.
Starting point is 00:41:37 I wanted the Hydro and the reason was, it is like you said, it is a full body workout, it is low impact, so it can use it basically every day. It's got all these classes you can take. It changed the way I row, like I was doing the form totally incorrectly. It just is the best. And I'm not kidding, at the end of a 45 minute row,
Starting point is 00:41:58 I cannot believe how many calories that I actually burned. Like seven or eight. I'm like, well yeah, because I'm just sitting on it eating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it really is. It's just like one of the one of the best workouts and it's so low-impact so I love it makes it so easy on you. Be your best by joining the growing rowing community at Hydro. Head over to hydro.com and use code DOLLOP to save up to $775 off your Hydro. That's H-Y-D-R-O-W.com code DOLLOP to save up to $775 off your hydro. That's H-Y-D-R-O-W.com code dollop to save up to $775.
Starting point is 00:42:30 Hydro.com code dollop. Roy walked out of the flames, strips of skin hung off his fingers. So Roy didn't know that stuff dropped. Roy did, Roy did, Roy. Yeah. Whoa. That's,that's good
Starting point is 00:42:48 writing. That's just good writing. We should have seen it come. Oh my God. Hey! Makes a lot of sense now.
Starting point is 00:43:04 Roy Fry. Roy Fry. Roy Fry! On fire! Roy stop introducing yourself. Roy Fry burn! Roy Fry. We don't know his name was Roy Fry. They were his last two words. Roy Frye they were his last two words
Starting point is 00:43:30 Roy Frye! No Roy Schmidt! Frye! Alright Roy Frye, Jesus Christ Get out boy you're burning So... Anyway he's dead We don't know that yet His he had breathed in fire so his tongue was swollen his nostrils were burned inside both of their clothes were burnt off So now they walked ten kilometers
Starting point is 00:44:02 Naked and came across an aboriginal camp and they walk in and that original people like what the fuck White people are so fucked up like they're worse than I thought they're crazy Roy's a little less white to be honest So they sent a runner and he ran 34 miles that night. And then station hands came and they took Roy and Frank to a hospital 70 kilometers away. They like put them in a cart and like good stuff. Now rumors swirled that Frank had died. And the Prime Minister's... Well, to be fair...
Starting point is 00:44:45 Yeah. The Prime Minister's office is panicking, because this is their, you know, trip that they're paying for. And they had also never heard of Roy Fry. They didn't even know he was on the trip! Oh yeah. Brutal.
Starting point is 00:44:57 Yeah. He would hate to be Roy Fry. Who? I'm on a... Frye's dead. Kind of. He's got jerky fingers. Walk me through the bad part. Jerky? Because that's the only part that I'm seeing is bad. We're thinking of fingers that look like jerky, and it's not great. Yeah. Are you? Oh yeah, well yeah, I think that's fine though. Yeah! Jerky fingers?
Starting point is 00:45:30 Jerky fingers would be good, but you'd want the jerky to be grown back. Yeah, and then there's like the little packet in his hand that's like, do not eat this part. Yeah. You'd want, you wouldn't want finite jerky hands. No. You'd want infinite jerky.
Starting point is 00:45:43 Yeah, fuck yeah. Now we're talking Now we're creating the ultimate Australian And they keep growing so if you like went off it you just have giant. He's like Groot. Yeah Jerky Groot I am teriyaki So you couldn't have a dog. There's no way you could have a dog and be made a jerky.
Starting point is 00:46:15 Yeah. Come back down. Your theory holds a lot of water. I'm thinking. Cow water, okay. I'm trying to objectively take in the whole situation Yeah, you say situation. Yeah, okay, because I'm searching for an answer answer. There you go. Yeah So once the prime minister's office knew that they were both alive
Starting point is 00:46:42 They investigated and they concluded it was Frank's fault for removing the exhaust system. So Frank would always modify the cars on his trips. So he had like an exhaust system going around the side of the car, and like it was a fucking shit show. So they're done with him. And Frank said he's gonna continue the surveying trip at his own expense, even though his right arm was now semi-paralyzed.
Starting point is 00:47:07 OK. So he paid a pilot, and they did an aerial survey instead. What a weird one. And now the government finds out that he's been writing bad checks all over the place. And the Melbourne Age wrote about it, and now, and since they wrote about it, then more IOUs start pouring into the prime minister's office.
Starting point is 00:47:32 So it's a fucking disaster. Oh, Mary, I don't think the prime minister is gonna pay for that. Roy has no money, and he's obviously debilitated because he was well he can't write a check either way. We could. Sure. Blood. So he goes to heal at his parents house and he keeps writing Frank to get money. Get my... Ah! What? Ah, ah, ah! What? Ah!
Starting point is 00:48:05 Frank never responds to him, and the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister's office is not gonna acknowledge that Roy's there. No. Jesus Christ. And then Frank's wife comes to the Prime Minister's office. Oh, right. Oh, yes.
Starting point is 00:48:19 And asks for help, because he's completely abandoned her and never went back to her. It's a shit show. So now the prime minister's office sends anything related to Frank to the crown solicitor. What this is all for like an ad done lap tires. Stick with us.
Starting point is 00:48:43 Frank's a dog. Roy's dead, he's at his parents house. I'm trying to thread the needle here. So his name's shit now. Articles are written about his terrible survey, his treatment of Roy, and also how he abandoned his wife. And creditors are dogging him. So when a creditor would come ask for money, he would just get in his car and drive to the outback. You really don't know if that's a man or a dog.
Starting point is 00:49:14 Show me where the man begins and the dog ends. Show me a picture of him and a dog in the same one. Yes. Checkmate. picture of him and a dog in the same one. Yes. Checkmate. So, over the years, Frank became very friendly with Aboriginal people and sometimes he would live with them for a time.
Starting point is 00:49:34 They called him Motorcar Frank. And the films he took of them lacked stereotypes and paternalism that others did, and he was also very vocal about their terrible treatment. So then Frank came back from a trip, and he was planning a theater show about his film. Everything was a theater show. Yeah, but nobody came to this one. People were over Frank.
Starting point is 00:50:01 His car trips, the Outback films, they're done. He needs to reinvent himself. Yeah Now Malcolm Henry Ellis is the chief political correspondent for the Sydney Daily Telegraph. Oh He hates commies. Okay, and he loves Britain and Australia. Yeah Sounds like a cool, dude Our kind of fella at the dollar fight, I guess. Alright. Historian E.C. Fry.
Starting point is 00:50:31 Oh shit. Look out. Run, E.C. Run! Why? Ahhhhh! Historian E.C. Fry called him, quote, one of nature's fascists. One of nature fat like he grew on a tree naturally a fascist Naturally a fascist or he came out or he was living in the woods and right just came out of fat out of cow water Yeah
Starting point is 00:50:58 so Malcolm wants to show how Great English cars are and he chose the Bean 14. The Bean 14? The Bean 14 to drive from Sydney to Darwin and back. What should we call the car? Oh, a bean. I don't know, a bean. I don't know, a bean. What should we call everything? Maybe a bean. This is all beans. This is the only bean you can drive. yeah, it's pretty good isn't it? Isn't it? This is the 14th bean. Yeah, the new bean.
Starting point is 00:51:30 Of all the beans, and there are a lot of them, this is number 14. Which is actually quite high on the bean list. Well, and this has got a wheel on it, you can drive this bean. My wife's a bean, we know. Fucking hell. I still don't know if it's bee or bean. Bean. Bean.
Starting point is 00:51:51 The car's on fire, who would bake the beans? Fucking hell. Turning more and more beetle-y. Oh, we got the beans. We're the bean-tels. Oh. Oh, we got the veins. Where are the vein toes? Oh.
Starting point is 00:52:03 So Malcolm chose Frank as a co-pilot and the car company also sent their mechanic slash driver, John Simpson. Frank and Alice, Frank and Malcolm, I'll call him Alice. Frank and Alice do not like John Simpson. Oh. Okay. No, the dog's name's Dinkum? Yeah, that's Dinkum.
Starting point is 00:52:27 Dinkum! It quotes. Oh yeah. It's a nickname. The dog's real name is Roy Fry. Dinkum? Dinkum. Love it.
Starting point is 00:52:42 Bloody Dinkum, huh? I love it. Bloody dinkum, huh? So Ellis named the Bean 14 the Scarlet Runner because it was red and a Scarlet Runner is a type of bean. So I really landed into this bean thing. Yeah, in a way I couldn't see coming. It's the adulterer bean. So, John Simpson turns it turns out, is extremely paranoid. Fuck man.
Starting point is 00:53:12 And he brings a semi-automatic pistol on the car ride and is often loading and unloading it as they drive. Oh, that's fun. That's fun. That's fun on a car, right? Unloading and loading your semi-automatic. Sounds like he's on cocaine. Yeah, probably.
Starting point is 00:53:32 It was legal at the time, I guess. Encouraged. Probably had a lot of cocaine. Do you have a gun? You need cocaine. Wish there was another car out here so we could shoot someone. Oh, god.
Starting point is 00:53:44 Cool. That's a feature on Uber in America. Do you want your driver to be loading his gun? No conversation either. Once when the car broke down, Simpson asked, Let's shoot it! Let's shoot the dog! I'm the new governor of South Dakota Conceived because that yeah that almost yeah, that was a real moment where people are like we get the joke But we're against shooting dogs literally the most popular
Starting point is 00:54:19 TV personality in this country is a cartoon And we're coming for him. Sorry, we love freedom. So when the car broke down, Simpson asked, quote, Is there a garage we can tow her to? They're in the middle of fucking nowhere. It's a fair question. Frank then hoisted it up in a tree and repaired it
Starting point is 00:54:49 We saw shoot at it Now another problem with this trip Was that Ellis and Frank had recurring fevers from previous malaria infections? Yeah, what the fuck and when Frank was taken by fever he would go bananas Quote anything could happen. All it would take was for Frank to walk over to the car, pick up one of any number of rifles or revolvers or an axe, and let fly. The madness would end after five minutes,
Starting point is 00:55:20 and he'd say, quote, well, that's it, I feel better. Well, we've all been there. Yeah, no, it can be very- We've all been taken by the fevers. Yeah, you know what I mean? Absolutely. You know what I mean? Just gotta resist them. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:35 Yeah, yeah, it's fun. Blow a little steam off you. Exactly. Is it? This is why you don't name your child after his dead brother. This is why you don't name your child after his dead brother. I do. There might be another duet coming if we're not careful. I'll get an axe.
Starting point is 00:56:00 With the gun it's twice as. We're gonna do it. We're like the solve up. I Got your back and you got my front when we do it It would be fine I think about you every day. I think about you too, brother What? La la Keep up with the beat, my sweet old brother
Starting point is 00:56:33 Oh, I'm keeping up the beat Oh, shit The song's a lot less catchy now, man The song's a lot less catchy now, man. I'm going to enter your body and take you over. I'm ready to go. La la la la la. And they never spoke again. It's a sad story. It's a sad story.
Starting point is 00:57:08 It was a sad story. It's a three month trip altogether. The first car to drive to Darwin and back. Once again, Frank is liked by the public. Nice. He's back! Frank's back! Woo!
Starting point is 00:57:26 U.S. Car Imports Rural Australia which upset Ellis. So he gets a textile engineer and industrialist to fund design and build the perfect Australian car.
Starting point is 00:57:42 It would be done at the Bean Car Company in England. Perfect, keep the jobs here. And then they would drive the car across Europe and Asia to Singapore and then to Australia, which no one had ever done. That's because it's an ocean. It is.
Starting point is 00:58:01 Yeah. Ocean's land though, ocean is land. There's land under the ocean. You turned it back on me and after I turned it on you, all I hear from you guys is no. I think you were testing me the whole time to be quite honest with you. And then you tested me after that. Then we passed. Didn't we, Dad? We did, son.
Starting point is 00:58:24 It's too real here, Dad. We did, son. Is he really your dad? Yeah. We're gonna reveal that at the end of the night. Dude, that's tight. Keep going, Papa. Yep. They obviously were. I mean, it is nice that you work with your dad.
Starting point is 00:58:45 Sweet. Yeah, right. Here you go. Good pop. So on the, for the trip, Ellis picked World War I vet Eric Walter Knowles, who was known as Billy, and Frank as his team. Okay. So Billy and Frank. Sure.. Okay. So Billy and Frank. Sure.
Starting point is 00:59:06 The car was called the Imperial Six. Cool. It was a month behind schedule, so it was finished in late January. An employee called us, an employee quote, it was ghastly. It was a ghastly looking car, like a truck. Very large and heavy.
Starting point is 00:59:24 Yeah. Anyway, it's really, it's like Homer Simpson's car that he designed. So it's super large and heavy. They're already a month behind schedule, which means winter's a concern. So Ellis starts out the trip. That's probably one of the,
Starting point is 00:59:41 you've probably said that line in this podcast 60 times. Winter was a worry. Winter was concerning. It was getting colder. They were worried. This ends with someone eating a finger. Jerky fingers. Roy.
Starting point is 01:00:01 I told you I'd come in handy. Oh my goodness. So Ellis starts off the trip a mess. He had broken ribs just before and then he starts having... Was there ever a doctor evaluating them before they left? Like, you've both got malaria now get the fuck out of here. But imagine you have broken ribs, like you know the great is a car ride. Ride the car through the cold winter.
Starting point is 01:00:31 So yeah, he also starts having a malaria relapse. In France, the car needed constant adjustments. The radiator was leaking due to the freezing weather, and Frank kept having to remove the radiator to fix it. And Ellis was getting sicker and testier. They drove all the way to Dragonman Pass, which is between Yugoslavia and Bulgaria and Nocar. We know where that is.
Starting point is 01:00:58 What was it again? Dragonman's Pass. Dragoman. Dragoman's Pass. Dragonman's Pass. Dragoman. Dragoman's Pass. Dragonman's Pass. Where the dragon man lives? The Dragonman's Pass. Wait, the Dragonman's Pass.
Starting point is 01:01:14 The Pokemon. Yep, it is Pokemon. Go ahead, Dad. Which is between Yugoslavia and Bulgaria, no car had ever driven through. The Bulgarians said the Yugoslavians, quote, drink blood with their porridge. Oh, yeah, so it is Dracula's bus. And guards are regularly killed on both sides. But they make it through. No blood drinkers, just nice people. That's cool. In Turkey, the British Embassy gives them a guide and then the car breaks down and they need a new crown wheel and pinion I don't know what that is but important
Starting point is 01:01:55 so Ellis takes a train to Istanbul to wait for parts being sent from England and so it sets them back more and once it's running they drive too close to a town that's forbidden to foreigners. Well, that's a problem. Is the paper report like, the whole thing is you're trying to promote a car. Yeah, papers are important. But the car keeps fucking falling apart. Yeah, I don't know if that's being reported.
Starting point is 01:02:22 Right, so you're just like, boy, it's going great. They're going to a town where foreigners are welcome most likely. Imagine if there was a media that would talk about a car being really good despite the fact that it constantly had problems. And that would never happen in today's society. So we're lucky that we've evolved so far away from that. No, because... Don't you think? Capitalism... Like if there was like a car, fancy car that you're trying to promote, but like the engines didn't work or just blew up or... Because capitalism regulates itself.
Starting point is 01:02:54 Yeah, so... It's the free market. Oh, okay, yeah, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is such a strange time. What a weird time for a nobody. I bet this car was better than the Cyberswap. I made it kind of look like it, right?
Starting point is 01:03:11 Yeah, a little bit. Big dump. What if the steering wheel was in the middle? You know, when we're making a car that is so great, you can fit like six Hitlers in the trunk of it. Six Hitlers? Six Hitlers in the trunk. That's part of the ad. Six Hitlers in the trunk of that. But that's it. Six Hitlers, six Hitlers, six Hitlers in the trunk.
Starting point is 01:03:27 That's part of the ad. Six Hitler trunk. Gordon talks all night. He talks to me while I drive. I'm a big fan. That's the AC. I love this. I'm a big fan. I hate that.
Starting point is 01:03:55 I love that. I'll tell you, my two most controversial jokes are Jerky Fingers and the AC Hitler. I hate that. I love that. My two most controversial jokes are Jerky Fingers and the AC Hitler. I saw them actually the big day out. Are we going to do one more? You guys have been awesome. We're gonna do one more
Starting point is 01:04:31 So they drive too close to this town and the reason it's forbidden to foreigners because someone just tried to Assassinate the leader there and it turned out there were foreign guys So they get arrested and they get held for weeks and they can't figure out what's going on and they can't get word to anybody And they write letters and they're clearly not being sent and then the guide Eventually gets out and gets word to the British Embassy and they and they get them out But they're delayed even more Car breaks down again They're back in the car. Nobody was like don't do this anymore. They're like, all right on your way Well, they let them leave Turkey basically like yeah, sure so the car breaks down Billy goes to Beirut to
Starting point is 01:05:05 wait for parts but then he gets sick and weeks go by and then a very sick Billy shows up and he gives him the parts and he's like I'm done I'm going home. I need parts. So now it's just Frank and Alice driving and in the scorching hot Persian desert They're seeing mirages and optical It's like it's like just a pavement it's it's so hot it's just like a flat Have to show that this car is awesome John just like it's all got my head. Is this the beancast ill or is this this is a car? This is the monster
Starting point is 01:05:55 material car Related now is what is it still being related the car? Yeah, it was built in the bean factory But that's the only relation all right, which is a lot. But it's an Australian car built by the bean people. Yeah, I got it. Built by bean for bean. The first car for beans. Hey, what are we doing? I don't know. Honestly, I'm just a mirage.
Starting point is 01:06:23 The new bean. Four beans, five beans, with beans. Driven by Frank. Frank and beans. Frank and beans! Thank you. You're just sitting there for so long. I know. I honestly, I picked it up about two minutes ago and I was just negotiating our way towards it. Your beat question makes a lot more sense now.
Starting point is 01:06:51 Hey, does my joke work? Yeah. If you go back, you'll identify the exact moment I thought of that joke and had to get some information in place both for myself and the audience to fully land it. Clip it out, get someone to explain it. Yeah, completely. I mean, I couldn't trust myself for it to move on without getting it. Oh, no. Well, you knew I was like, fuck it, let's party. You're like, fuck it, let's party. You're like that coat-top ass. Yeah. Um.
Starting point is 01:07:28 So they're seeing optical illusions, quote, giant lakes that would vanish, camels upside down, transparent, celestial shadows. And the Rainierter keeps boiling also. That might have been a mirage. Then they, they're driving, and out in the middle of nowhere in the desert, they just find a dude lying in the sand barely alive
Starting point is 01:07:47 I'm doing great This is the crossover character from another doll So they got him in the car. The idea that they're so shit fucked and they're like, great, another mouth to feed. That's what we need. Cool. Ellis was afraid to give him water, so they gave him spoonfuls of coffee as he screamed for water. No, no, no.
Starting point is 01:08:24 You need a fresh cup of Joe. as he screamed for water. Right. Oh. No, no, no. You need a fresh cup of Joe. Water, water. Piping hot coffee coming up. How about a pick me up? Coffee hydrates. There you go, boy. Nothing go for this.
Starting point is 01:08:44 Here you go boy. Nothing go for this. It was 54 Celsius 129 Fahrenheit. That's hot. The coffee was definitely hot. Yeah. The water was hot. Yeah. You know what I think that riff would do heaps better anywhere but Melbourne because I reckon about half this crowd was still like, yeah I can fancy a coffee. Fucking weaklings. Here you go, I made a little tree shape on the top there. It is a bean. No, no, you're right, they're wrong. Yeah, they're wrong. They're wrong.
Starting point is 01:09:27 I think, I think, I really think... Coffee is a bean? I really think what happened there was they were like, Will had a better bean joke. Yeah, but your bean joke was, I mean, it was a good joke. Coffee is a bean? Are you kidding me? It is a bean. Yes! And look... I think you're both very brave.
Starting point is 01:09:51 Just being human, you know? Yeah. A human being. Shake hands. Shake hands. Come on guys, bean it out. Bean it out. There you go. Isn't that fucking beautiful? Just next time, just one of you guys just be the bigger bean. What? Um, so this guy gets better, even though they're giving him coffee.
Starting point is 01:10:09 And um. Well I'm up! He tells them he's a telegraph worker and he tried to walk off. And he's like, I'm not going to walk off. He's like, I'm not going to walk off. He's like, I'm not going to walk off. He's like, I'm not going to walk off. He's like, I'm not going to walk off.
Starting point is 01:10:17 He's like, I'm not going to walk off. He's like, I'm not going to walk off. He's like, I'm not going to walk off. He's like, I'm not going to walk off. He's like, I'm not going to walk off. He's like, I'm not going to walk off. He's like, I'm not going to walk off. He's like, I'm not going to walk off. He's like, I'm not going to walk off. He's like, I'm not going to walk off. He's like, I'm not going to walk off. He's like, I'm not going to walk off. better even though they're giving him coffee and he tells them he's a telegraph
Starting point is 01:10:27 worker and he tried to watch a walk a hundred kilometers to a city but didn't make it what the fuck yes who sponsored you nobody my family you know what a fucking idiot. Yeah. So they take him back to the telegraph station where everyone just thought he had died. And then they drive on and they make it to British controlled India where they both get a fever. Ellis had an abscess on his heel and he refused to have it lanced.
Starting point is 01:11:08 Smart. So they... What sort of fever was it? Um... Someone said uh-oh. The old one too is coming. I actually don't know what kind of fever it was. Is it maybe finals fever or holiday fever? The old one too is coming. I actually don't know what kind of fever it was.
Starting point is 01:11:25 Is it maybe finals fever or holiday fever? Father's Day fever? Blackwater? Is there any indication who is the Saturday Nights? Is it like a Black Friday fever? I gotta go get a flat screen. That's so cool. I have to get a flat screen. You're freezing.
Starting point is 01:11:55 I need a blender. Coffee maker. So they stay in a place for 14 days, and his his foot only got worse and then he becomes delirious But then they drive on Holy fuck This is still for a promotion Yeah No, it's not a promotion like he's trying to prove that an Australian-built car
Starting point is 01:12:22 could be ruggeded It wasn't built in Australia though be rugged and wasn't built in Australia though. What? It wasn't built in Australia. But it was built by Australians. It was built by Australians in the bean fat. Look, I mean, you're right. Yeah, you're right. It's a fair criticism.
Starting point is 01:12:38 You're right. But they are trying to prove that like, this, we got it. Yeah, we got the Australian-built one. And it's like going horror, everyone's dying. It's's dying not going well yeah the car breaks down what and after repairs it would only go 20 miles per hour at a guest house Ellis said his leg quote had changed into a pillar of purple stakes and I had lumps under my knees and arms and a blinding subconscious pain which seemed to make it advisable to get a doc to a doctor as quickly as possible.
Starting point is 01:13:11 Ellis said that about himself? Yes. So he now is like, all right, it's fucking. Yeah, it's been a couple. It's been like six weeks of me being in a few delirious. I'm eggplanting. I didn't want to tell you this, but when I went to take a pee the other day an eggplant bit me in the woods.
Starting point is 01:13:28 Show me the bites. Get out of here. I'll be coming in emoji. Okay, so the doctor looks at him and diagnoses him. He has... You're dying! Real quick, do! He has typhoid, malaria, dysentery, and blood poisoning.
Starting point is 01:13:52 I mean, that sounds like a Queens of the Stud, I suppose. Wow. And if you get one more, the cancer's gonna be free. And yet they go on. He's grimace. You are becoming grimace. Do you understand? And guess you don't have him here?
Starting point is 01:14:14 No, we have a grimace. We have a grimace. That's tough to hear. And yet they go on. I mean, not a hugely popular character. Well, we call him. It felt like he'd never been here before when that came up. I mean, like, of the McDonald's, you know,
Starting point is 01:14:28 Mayor McCheese was probably the hamburger clearly was the... I think we identify more with the hamburger. I'm not really... I would rather... We're a convict nation, so we're like... We identify heavily with the hamburger, like the Ned Kelly of the McDonald's franchise. Had to keep your eyes on your fries. We were on the side of the hamburger. Maybe you were a keep your eyes on your fries, we were on the
Starting point is 01:14:45 side of the Hamburglar, maybe you were a bit more of a grimace guy. I love his cape. Comfortable with that first of all. But can you go on, sorry? I love this Hamburglar's cape. You like this cape? Yeah, I think it's a really nice cape. Yeah. I would love a cape like that. Just a cape. There's a cape. You don't think about the Hamburglar cape. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I reckon you could wear a cape. Thank you so much.
Starting point is 01:15:09 Yeah. I reckon just in general, if you were wearing a cape, people would be fine with it. That's really nice to hear. Yeah. Thank you. That's all right. Tell me I'm wrong. Like look at him and say that he... He could definitely do with a cat tail.
Starting point is 01:15:26 He could tell me he's wrong. No, he's not wrong. I'm still adjusting to the grimace thing. So, it's tough to hear, obviously. Yeah, it just wasn't a big character here. But was it? Yeah, it was here. Yeah, stop saying that last part, because it felt like a good joke. He's turning into a fucking grimace. Was he your favorite?
Starting point is 01:15:44 I don't want to... That's not what I'm turning this into. No, he wasn't, no. I don't even know what the fuck he is. I mean, you just feel like you're bringing up Grimace. I'm not, no, I'm looking to get over there. Is this like a promotion or something? Is this like, are you trying to like just suddenly squeeze in McDonald's avatar?
Starting point is 01:16:00 Are you trying to bring Grimace back? Do you have like a Grimace project that you're trying to pitch in Hollywood with all your Hollywood friends and you're like, I got some existing IP, I'm gonna make a Grimace movie off the back of Barbie, suddenly Gareth Reynolds is Grimace? Oh my God. No.
Starting point is 01:16:15 Holy shit. No, hold on. The whole Grimace family. Okay, it's a Grimace family and they're driving across Asia. Yeah. It's a Grimace Road movie. I'm actually starting to really like what I hear a little bit. Me as Grimace.
Starting point is 01:16:29 Yeah. I can't go on dying. I make it real dramatic. My brother was Grimace. He died at birth. I've been in a weird purple shadow my whole life. Man, McCheese made me live out of the goddamn woods. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing at full.
Starting point is 01:16:51 Because he's my brother, after one another. You can call it the color purple. It's going to have to be very careful writing that one. Just because this country is behind it is not validating for mine. Let me know what you think. Leave this town. All right. That's kind of what the movie is about. That's a bit interesting, isn't it? Don't mind my expression. It's a fucking grip. Anyway. So even though he has typhoid malaria, dysentery, blood poisoning, he goes on.
Starting point is 01:17:46 As he should. The car is now literally coming apart. Quote, they were now inhaling the fumes of the disintegrating metals as the engine parts wore out. Is that good for typhoid? That's great. What you need is a little airborne metal in your respiratory system. So then the engine finally dies.
Starting point is 01:18:09 And Frank gets out and just beats the shit out of the car with the crank handle. I like it. This is the best part. He finally hits the stuff. I fucking knew it. As Ellis is, Ellis is dying. How's it going? Fuck.
Starting point is 01:18:30 The car died before you, which is shocking. Can't wait to beat the shit out of you when you're dead. I'm gonna drive you. What? So, it's over. I'm gonna drive you. What? So it's over. What is? And Ellis, Ellis takes a ship to Australia, but Frank decides that he is going to go back
Starting point is 01:18:58 to England and get the sundowner and drive to Australia alone. Is anyone, who? No. Okay, thank you. Okay. Get the Sun downer and drive to Australia alone is anyone Okay, thank you. Okay. No one is no one's like do that Frank is now 44, but he looks with his wife his wife's like She would oh, yeah She was yeah, that's three week period was all he was literally was she just a mirage. He was in it for like two weeks You guys were like, what's her name? She was in it for like two weeks. Yeah. Yeah. That's why.
Starting point is 01:19:26 And that's the road. You guys were like, what's her name? I'm like, it really doesn't matter. No. I'm sorry, I think every woman's name matters. That's so fucking cool, man. Sorry, just the way I was born. I can't believe you have the guts
Starting point is 01:19:43 to say something like that. I'm just brave, and I don't care what all the men in this audience fucking think. Fuck them. And I think it makes your point more powerful than you're surrounded by seven female doll heads. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:20:01 One pussy. Okay. Who's name's's Judith by the way? Frank is now 44 but he looks 20 years older. Well, because he was inhaling a car for most of his life. Yeah, there's that. So he takes a ship to England. Now he needs money to make the trip, but his reputation had once again taken a big hit. And the bean car company wants nothing to do with him. But they do have the sundowner that he drove across Australia and they give it to him because
Starting point is 01:20:38 they're like, well, it's kind of his car. So they let him use it. And then he's trying to raise money. And then a French guy leaves to drive from Europe to Southeast Asia and then right after that a British Army captain says he's gonna leave soon. So Frank stops trying to raise money and he's just like I'm going. He gets a big celebratory farewell? Nobody thought he had a chance. He bet Australian pilot Bert Hincker
Starting point is 01:21:17 on who would get to Australia first, but Bert said he'd give him a three-month head start. Frank drove 300 kilometers a day. The sundowner ran great. In Greece, he was held up for two weeks due to a passport issue. And Turkey would not let him back in, so he took a ship to Egypt. Jesus Christ. He was very worried about bandits. Things were always being stolen from the car.
Starting point is 01:21:42 The only weapon he had was a small tomahawk by the driver's seat. From Damascus, he took a smuggler's route across the desert, 800 kilometers. Thieves and murderers hunted on the route he was on. So it's this route that no one is supposed to go on unless they're in a convoy. The French, the Syrian, the British, Iraq officials only allowed cars to travel in armed convoys. No one could drive alone. So the Royal Air Force patrolled, and then they would kill people not in convoys, because they're British. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:22:21 So as Frank drove, two planes flew over him. And a gunner in back looked at Frank through the gun sights. So Frank slowed down and he took off his helmet and his goggle and he started waving at the planes as they came back. And they flew really low and then returned almost at the level of the car and the pilot gave Frank an OK signal and the gunner pointed an index finger at Frank and shook his head as they flew off. That did not happen.
Starting point is 01:22:56 Frank told everyone that that happened. Yeah, yeah, right. That did 100% not happen. And then he gave me a wink and a smile and he said, You are fucking foolish here, Frank. You might have driven your fucking car through the desert, but fucking British pilots didn't fucking swoop down to car level and go, you're the coolest guy ever, Frank. You're okay. No, Nikana said that he was a really big fan. Shut the fuck up. Skywriting.
Starting point is 01:23:29 Can we suck your dicks? Oh, no. You guys. And then everyone clapped. I was so on board with that, too. He said that. Wow, what a moment. You know, at my old school, they all called me Frank the Tank. You guys want to maybe call me Frank the Tank?
Starting point is 01:23:55 If you want to. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's really cool. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty cool. So when he was in Baghdad, Frank sent a letter to a London paper. And then we got to the Persian border, he was the only car in line besides camels and donkey carts.
Starting point is 01:24:16 Fucking weird. It was very cold now, it's winter, the car, he keeps running the car so the radiator doesn't freeze. He doesn't wanna turn it off. Sure. He gets caught up in a blizzard on a mountain pass. So he puts on copper snow chains and the cold metal ripped the skin off his fingers. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:24:39 Oof, uh-oh. He stays at the top until the storm passes and he continued on after the storm down into the valley and he would sometimes get out and scout on foot and when he did that once, someone stole all his blankets and clothes. Oh yeah. So he's freezing and he backtracks to a fort.
Starting point is 01:25:01 When he got there, he had hypothermia and was taken to a British mission hospital where he recovered and then when he left,mia and was taken to a British mission hospital where he recovered and then when he left they gave him blankets and a coat. That was nice. That's when the NHS worked. And then some pilots flew by and threw blankets at him. Take these, Frank.
Starting point is 01:25:20 You're a top notch Blair, huh? Thank you. Now, in Australia, no one has heard from Frank in weeks, for weeks at this point. You're a top notch Blair, huh? Thank you Now in Australia, no one has heard from Frank in weeks for weeks at this point So they people are worried a lot of people think he's dead But but at Calcutta, there's a shell oil rep waiting for him on the road sitting there in a car Prime Minister said fill it up So shell puts him up and puts the sundowner on display at their office and that's where Frank meets 23 year old Percy Stollery who was a Canadian overlander stuck in Calcutta
Starting point is 01:25:59 because someone had stolen his bike. So this dude is 100% going on the fucking journey with him. 100%. He just needs his buddy. It's great to hear his story where Shell's the hero too. Yes. They finally get their moment. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:26:16 It's nice to change up. I love an underdog. Yes. I would argue Shell's always a hero. They're a job provider. That's right. Absolutely. Fuck yeah. Thanks buddy. Name one thing they've done wrong. I would argue shells always a hero their job provider. That's right Fuck yeah, thank you name one thing they've done wrong bingo. Nobody said a thing go ahead
Starting point is 01:26:37 So Percy has no money and Frank thought Percy would be a really great co-pilot Through what was going to be the the known part of the journey, the Naga Hills. Quote, it was the impossible roadless jungles, impossible mountains, tigers, elephants, head hunters and fever. That's what was the problem. The automobile association in Rangoon sent a message quote we noticed that Mr. Biddles proposes to go to Calcutta Rangoon section by road does he know there is no road he's like Doc Brown yeah we don't need roads and Percy's
Starting point is 01:27:20 23 yeah yes 23 such a fucking awkward thing for this fucking middle-aged dude Just is like yeah, I drive everywhere so I don't have to face my feelings Little man you Hello. Percy, is it? Now we can hit the carpool lanes. The Automobile Association in Rangoon warned of wild animals and head hunters and told them to reconsider. But Frank was going. So he was given a huge elephant gun. Now there's a ton of stories about British troops
Starting point is 01:28:10 going into the Noggin Hills and never returning. So Frank drives in, and after six weeks on a jungle road, it narrows to a flip path. And then it becomes an incline that is almost vertical. And the path zigzags up at sharp angles and then disappears into a mist because it's a goat track so they they stop and they camp and they brainstorm how to get through this and after about a week they decide they are going to hand carve a section bring the
Starting point is 01:28:44 car there and then carve another section and slowly work their way up the hill. They're basically building a road. Holy fuck. So they remove boulders, they cut down trees, and they chop at the cliff face. They needed a lower gear than the car had. Is that a problem? Yes.
Starting point is 01:29:05 Oh. So Francis Jacks. We need a half. So Francis Jacks up the car, he removes the differential and rear axle and he flips everything upside down. So the car now has four reverse gears and one forward. What the fuck? Oh, I reckon we just bloody turn it upside down.
Starting point is 01:29:25 I mean, you've got to buy that up. Forward and reverse gears. And the only way to go up, it's so steep, is in reverse. So he makes the car go forward and reverse gears. Damn, we'll just back it up. They came to a corner that was too tight to turn, so they made a winch, attached a rope to a tree stump, and slid the car around the corner on bamboo skids. Aren't they just, the idea is to drive a car really far, and now they're just like here's what we got to move it
Starting point is 01:30:06 We got to build the roads by hand and we'll take the car apart. Yeah I'm surprised they didn't put the car in backpacks and walk over They built a four-foot ramp from stones like a ski jump and sometimes the car would slide a Rope was tied to the front and sometimes the car would slide. A rope was tied to the front. Frank drove up. Percy was at the top, taking up the rope slack, and if the car start to fall,
Starting point is 01:30:31 he roped the line to a tree as an anchor. Percy was like, god damn, this is a bad idea. What the fuck? Australian papers are now preparing obituaries. Smart. Frank kept the elephant gun near in case headhunters came, and then days became weeks, and the hills became steeper. So Frank removed the rear wheels and made grooves in the brake drums with a hand file so he could attach chains and the chains dug into the soil like cleats.
Starting point is 01:31:12 I'm fucking coming around on Frank I gotta be honest with you. He's really having a go. This is some MacGyver level shit. I like this. Except Garbert has reasons for doing the things that he did. Oh, I just like how Frank's leaning in. I'll just put a chain on the axle and back it up. Every time he said to Percy, like, I've got an idea, he's like, no, please don't. We need wings.
Starting point is 01:31:39 No, don't, fuck, please. Shoot me with the elephant rifle. Please, end this. We're gonna build a tunnel through the mountain. Oh my god. We're gonna eat the car. Stop pinching. And then we'll shit it out and put it back together.
Starting point is 01:31:52 We'll run up the hill, shit it out, and I'll put it back together again. Yeah. And then head hunters begin appearing. They try and like, post them to their company. Come work for Ford, huh? We love what you're doing, Frank. We're such big fans, we've actually thrown heads at you.
Starting point is 01:32:22 Please! They must really like me. Quote, they were quite small, broad and muscular, with blue tattoos on their arms and chest, and a long narrow shock of black hair running along the back of their skulls. They wore black cloth and or armed with long metal knives. They would stand silently watching in groups. Hey! Hi. Their rations are running out, so Frank shot a monkey.
Starting point is 01:33:01 As you do. Didn't eat it. Now he's, I'm furious. If I'm not eating neither is he. Fuck you monkey! Bullshit. It's all those goddamn monkey's fault. He's apocalypse nowing. He's carrying it around.
Starting point is 01:33:22 This is my brother Frank. He's apocalypse-nowing. He's carrying it around. This is my brother, Frank. He felt like a cannibal looking at the face. Yeah, that makes sense. Well, turn the head around. No, you will eat it and look in the eyes of the monkey. As is tradition.
Starting point is 01:33:47 Okay, strange rule, but alright. The so-called hand hunters were now passing by just completely disinterested. Then one day, they brought Frank and Percy to their village. And they gave them rice, whiskey, and roast puppy. What? Roast puppy? Roast puppy. What are you talking about? Remember when I was the puppy villain in this episode?
Starting point is 01:34:11 You know, I made actual... Yeah, yeah, a puppy. They roasted a puppy and they ate it. It's... They're so tender. Stop it. Stop it right now. An older dog... Stop it now. An older adult dog is grainy. Dave. By the way, you gotta do the whiskey first. You get a nice... now an older dog stop it now there's an adult dog David grainy Dave but you can either way you got to do the whiskey first you get a nice lipstick you don't
Starting point is 01:34:31 want to go over six months yeah oh my god it melts off the bone nice I don't like what you're doing I think it's gonna be one of those things that you just keep going it'll work and then of those things that you just keep going. It'll work. And then it'll start working. Yeah, just keep going no matter what happens. And you'll get there. So, the tail.
Starting point is 01:34:58 Didn't you puppy shame me earlier in this show? I did, yeah, it's weird. The shoes on the other foot. Well, I mean, first hour, second hour, you know what I mean? The cat is optimistic if it's just been two hours. Sorry, maybe an hour four at the moment. After weeks, they had crossed all 60 mountains and got through.
Starting point is 01:35:25 The French and British drivers For weeks, they had crossed all 60 mountains and got through. The French and British drivers had said it was impossible and they had taken trains around. Well, they were right. To be fair, they were totally right. The French would have said, impossible. Yeah. Well, I guess you guys didn't think about backing it up on its axle and then just carrying it up shelves.
Starting point is 01:35:47 We didn't ever think of taking it apart and giving it five reversers, so that makes sense. We have something here called quality of life and I guess we thought about that a bit. You never thought about eating your car, did you? No, that never crossed our minds. You never thought about eating your car, did you? No, it's never crossed our minds, eh? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:36:06 The British captain was furious that Frank had found a way and he later wrote a book and said someone found a route through but never used Frank's name, just calling him the Australian. Yeah. And he said the Australian's achievement proved nothing. Yeah. Well, I mean, it proved that you could get through in a car. So I proved that, minimum.
Starting point is 01:36:32 But outside of that. Yeah. Well, you can run away from childhood trauma forever. I proved that. Yep, that was proven. You can always rope someone into your foolish games. Prove that. So now they're down the other side and they drove through very wet jungle where no car had ever been and they reached the village of Tamu
Starting point is 01:36:54 and there they sent telegraphs to Australia. People could not believe Frank was alive. But they also found out that pilot Bert Hinkler had just flown solo to Australia and was an aviation hero Yeah That motherfucker we ate a car Finally there was some way of knowing the flight was faster First the Titanic and now this I honestly thought we'd win.
Starting point is 01:37:26 The Skytanic! Fuck! At Rangoon, a reporter wrote they, quote, were somewhat of a wreck. What the fuck? Let's prank some sleep paralysis demon. Not really a big crowd for this one. What's happening now? It says a lot to say that we've hit the weirdest picture.
Starting point is 01:37:58 I assume now that we've all seen this image, we will die in the next seven days. I'm just glad you guys can see it. Well, we picked up a demon. He's an overlander. Boy, could they look worse? They're like, fuck, we are not business badly. Do not turn around and look at the whatever that is. Maybe the Dunlop is still advertising. That's right, Dunlop tires.
Starting point is 01:38:36 Oh, what the fuck? Dunlop. Dunlop tires. Welcome to hell, motherfucker! Also, literally for the bit that he did that no one else had done, he had to take off the tires. Dunlop tires! May I say for half of this, we weren't used, but you won't be driving up a mountain no one's ever seen before.
Starting point is 01:39:05 Dunlop, don't eat us. ["Don't Eat Us"] ["Don't Eat Us"] Dunlop, fuck, is that a head? ["Don't Eat Us"] Just even the way in the photo, they're looking ahead like, don't acknowledge this demon.
Starting point is 01:39:22 ["Don't Eat Us"] If we both pretend we can't see it. He'll steal your voice. Dunlop tires. Yeah there's a soul toll but so what? Dunlop. Oh fucking. Dunlop! Dunlop is on there nine times. They probably got this picture back and was like, what the fuck were you- no, what? What were you doing? We got some good promotional shots while we were out there. That's a good Madman episode, they should've known. Dunlop. Dunlop.
Starting point is 01:40:08 Dunlop. What the fuck? Dunlop. Oh god. Oh fuck. Just a quick check in. It's okay. Oh, fuck. Just a quick check in. Not good.
Starting point is 01:40:32 Yeah. Will? There's a gored man following us. I can't look forward because I feel like it's gonna move in the photo. Yeah. No. And I look back at it. Jesus Christ!
Starting point is 01:40:52 Dunlop! Fuck! Dunlop. In the middle of it. Dunlop. Dunlop will steal your soul! In the shower. Just tires start coming up.
Starting point is 01:41:00 Fuck! No! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Dunlop will steal your soul! In the shower. Just tires start coming up. Ah! Ah! No! I've been Dunlopped!
Starting point is 01:41:13 Why didn't you Dunlop, Gareth? I'm like, huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Starting point is 01:41:32 Huh? So, Frank now had an infected cut on his hand. Oh. You can see right there he's got like a white... Oh yeah, I somehow missed that. I don't know why I didn't immediately go to the bandage on his hand. Don't you remember when you first pulled this image up and I said, is his hand okay? Hey Dave, what happened to Frank's hand?
Starting point is 01:41:59 There's a big bandage on it! Oh! Also! Ahhhhh! And I'm almost positive, the first time I looked at that photo, there was no bandage on that hand. And if you look again, it's off. We should all go. Yes, let's go. I'll float above you while you drive. It is important for everyone when you do go home, just draw a little salt circle around the drive. Yeah, sleep in a pentagram, it'll be fine. Don't worry about a thing.
Starting point is 01:42:49 So hold a dead chicken. Wait, go ahead. So they are. Hey, our podcast Dunlop, have you guys listened to it a while? It's really, it's haunted? New dollop tires. The fuck is going on? Is that blood? Dunlop. And then the monsoons arrived.
Starting point is 01:43:35 And everything flooded. They sat under the sun down a roof for days, unable to move the car. Their clothes rotted and blankets grew mushrooms. Food! Sick! New blankets! They started to show signs of malaria and then Percy became very ill. Frank made for a port in southern Burma where they took a ship to Penang and then drove to Singapore. Paper said they were, quote, in a terrible condition and suffering the effects of privation. On behalf of the panel.
Starting point is 01:44:19 I looked it up before. It's an old timey word. Oh, I can't look anything up. Pervation. Yeah, it's like if you like, like, like deprivation. That's right. It's like a good. Pervation. So it's a lot of something. Superbs. Yep, things are, it's Oh. Oh. Uh, Frank. Is he still there? Is he still behind me?
Starting point is 01:44:48 It's still there, but it's- I ended looking at it though. It's looking at you now. You're fine, everyone's fine. Just shut the fuck up, finish the show. Everything's fine. Okay, all right. I think you can only move when we're looking at you.
Starting point is 01:45:01 Exactly. Vision is based on movement. It's a T-Rex. We're fine, Dave. Hey, could you step out of the picture? I'm trying to take a picture of you. Oh, thank you. No?
Starting point is 01:45:15 Okay. I guess we'll just take it. Now let's do goofy faces. The two of them, unable to look, they're like, get the fucking picture and get out of here. Jesus Christ. Oh my god. Fuck. Just stay dumb, lot of boys. Hurry. Say it backwards.
Starting point is 01:45:52 Uh, so, he, Frank Bertels, is the first person to drive from France to Singapore. 21,500 kilometers. Oh my god. And still the only person who has done that. Yep, for a good reason. I mean, that's fucking crazy. Crazy how they jumped Indonesia. Ha ha.
Starting point is 01:46:21 Sort of like the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. When I get to Malaysia, you're gonna have to set up some ramps. That's when there was one set of tire prints. So they took a ship to Australia, both are very sick. At Darwin, a customs official impounded the sundowner until an import duty was paid. Motherfucker. All that and some guy at customs doesn't. You've got rules, mate. It had been paid the first time the car came to us, so Frank lost his fucking mind. He said he was the first person to drive from England and he was going to make their lives fucking hell
Starting point is 01:47:09 Headlines were then Bertels returns car seized duty demanded and the Prime Minister quickly called and made customs release the car Should was that Frank pretending to be? It's me the the Prime Minister. That checks in. Frank had set an amazing record and was greeted with his car being confiscated while Bert Hinkler was held as a hero. And if he'd flown with Hinkler, he knew he'd now have been a hero. Oh my god, the pain.
Starting point is 01:47:47 And the government gave Hinkler 2,000 pounds. The Prime Minister told him, quote, you have added to the luster of our race. That's not, it's so rough. That, okay, Australia, reel it in. But a large crowd did gather for Frank in Brisbane, and an even bigger one in Sydney, and then a huge one in a Melbourne. Hundreds of people swarmed the car, men threw their hats in the air, cars blared their horns, and then cops yelled at Frank that he was blocking traffic and to move it. You fucking pricks. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay.
Starting point is 01:48:26 Yeah. He and Percy were received by the premier and his wife and newspapers called him a great hero. This was Malcolm Ellis' worst nightmare. He was a bitter invalid in his home. So he wrote a book about his journey and he painted Frank as rough and simple and he made a fake quotes that he said Frank said and he said Frank
Starting point is 01:48:51 failed because he took a ship across the Mediterranean. Well, well, yeah but what was he meant? It's still land. It's you know. We established. Yeah. We established. I forgot that. And I got confused and you gave it right back to me. I gave you the business. Yeah, now I'm giving it to you. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:49:14 Here we go. It's wet land. Yeah. Thank you. That's true. That's true too. Mm. So critics.
Starting point is 01:49:24 Still thinking about Dr. Congo a little bit, I'm not gonna lie. Really? Because I'm thinking about the weird devil thing in Rangoon. Like I feel like we've released the Rangoon devil. I believe they're one and the same as I said earlier. Critics savaged the book. A year later, the Great Depression hit hit Frank was 50 and he was broke So he went to look for gold. Oh, yeah, this mother fucker
Starting point is 01:49:52 He was on his gold out there. We forgot there was even gold. We've got he was looking for gold I'm looking for land. That's right, you know what? I was looking for gold, wasn't I? I just gotta save this some gold. Oh, no. Well, he returned saying he had found it. Yes. The Ardham Land Gold Development Company was then formed
Starting point is 01:50:16 and Frank toured to publicize the mine for investors and then he returned to the bush. And he was out there and he said he caught berry-berry. He caught what? Berry-berry? Berry-berry? I don't know what it is. Berry-berry? B-E-R-I. Berry-berry. Berry-berry pepper? Is it an ice cream? It's the dude from... It's when you get raspberries. You get raspberries? And blueberries?
Starting point is 01:50:41 Berry. Berry? Berry. Berry. Does anyone know what's half of it? You get raspberries? And blueberries? Berry. Berry? Berry. Berry. Does anyone know what's happening? Berry? What did you catch? Berry berry. Berry berry.
Starting point is 01:50:51 It's where you make blueberries. What? What? What's happening? They come out. Berry berry. Berry berry is what you make blueberry out of. Very?
Starting point is 01:50:59 Are we saying berry berry or very berry? Yes. So did you call that very berry? Are you talking about Bolly belly? I'm saying very very or very very yes, so did you put up very very? Are you talking about Bolly belly? I'm saying it I'm saying it twice very very very very very very very very Yeah, don't what did you think that helped you just said Barry really? She's really mad. We're saying it twice
Starting point is 01:51:23 If we say it a third time does that guy from Rangoon show up? Barry, Barry, Barry. This is a disease he caught? Yeah. Okay. So he's sick. Never heard of it. No.
Starting point is 01:51:38 Well. Jason, where did you come from? I object. Jesus. You scared the shit out of me. He's been there the whole time. And he's a good guy. I object And that is where he said he was sick and laying there when his brother-in-law flew over and dropped a note
Starting point is 01:52:00 Bullshit Then my brother-in-law was in the coolest plane ever. Come on. Of his wife? His wife's... Was it his wife's brother? Or is this like... Yeah, but who's the brother-in-law? Where is his... His sister's husband. That makes way more sense. Are you still married to her?
Starting point is 01:52:25 Probably I'll never get to him. What was her name? Do you know anything about her? And the note said the mine had found gold and struck it rich. Oh. So now Frank is a wealthy man. Okay. But he's dying of beriberi in the middle of nowhere.
Starting point is 01:52:44 Oh, not I. Frank is a wealthy man. But he's dying of beriberi in the middle of nowhere. But two years later, a full inquiry was held because his company's stock, quote, constituted one of the biggest scandals in the history of gold mining in Australia. It was worthless. Investors had seen bogus gold samples and the company didn't even have a lease on the land. Was that an issue? Yeah, Frank had teamed up with two con men,
Starting point is 01:53:08 but he had already sold his shares and was set for life. Nice, kind of okay with it, to be honest with you. So is that one person. Yeah. At 54, he married. They bought a house in Koji. Frank had a fleet of cars of course He asked the government to fund a new expedition to survey a proposed new railway route as the minister said no good
Starting point is 01:53:36 finally Frank's family thought his wife married him for his wealth and he slowly stopped talking to all of his family Yeah, and they had a massive heart attack on July 1st, 1941 and died at 59. It's a traditional Australian... It's like a little... It's very close to 69. That is the only way to justify what he misheard. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:54:07 Woo! It's a 59 if you're not the same height. Yeah. That's all I can do! I'll give my mouth on your vagina and you lick my belly button. New 59! Woo! Yeah, you just put your tongue in my beriberi. New 59. Gooooooo! Just put your tongue in my berry, Barry.
Starting point is 01:54:27 Go after the bean. I always do. Nobody knows how many times Francis Bertels crossed Australia. Some say 70, others say 88? Yeah, okay quite an argument either way. Holy fuck. That's it. That's the story of Francis Bertels Is uh that's the book that I basis on on, Francis Bertel's Australian Adventure by Warren Brown. But you obviously know the better cover would have been. Oh yeah.
Starting point is 01:55:16 Can you go? No, but if you did that, how many people would be haunted? Everyone. Can you go back to that one for us? Remember? Everyone, can you go back to that one for us? Remember? Ah! Pshh! Ha ha ha!
Starting point is 01:55:30 Ha ha ha ha! His hands hurt! Oh! You never would have noticed. Ha ha ha ha! It looks a... Ha ha ha! From what I can see, he's doing this, he's like...
Starting point is 01:55:42 Ha ha ha! Yeah! I mean, it's really fucking crazy. It's crazy. I can't really decipher it. And I think it's cool. I do too. I also think it's really interesting that he was wearing his big glove on the opposite hand to the one that's been hurt by the demon.
Starting point is 01:56:00 Stop it! How were you? So his big one was on this side, right? Yeah. But he's like wearing the glove. Have I solved this murder? I don't know. I feel like...
Starting point is 01:56:12 What happened to the dogs? Answer the question. They all went to heaven. Wow. That's nice. Yeah. I'm satisfied. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:56:20 Awesome. Wow. Well, that is satisfied. Yeah. Awesome. Wow. Well, that is so fucking crazy. I remember a time when you were like, you're going to run out of stories for Australia, like five years ago. Yeah, I thought I was. And then this keeps happening where you talk about a guy who basically just carried a car
Starting point is 01:56:42 across the world. And met that. And met that guy. But also, just like Australia has a long history of just like some like adventurer just like decides to go somewhere and we're like, oh yeah. Yeah. Like there's this guy called
Starting point is 01:57:00 Albie Mangles who like was a modern day version and then there's like the crocodile hunter. It's all like the same lineage this will be everyone's really this will be Bob Irwin in 20 years. We're gonna hear from that guy's family like hey honestly, lay off, that was fucked up. You gotta hear from that guy's family. We're here. Seven days. To take advantage of the Dunlop sale. The rest of my life is final destination with this. Yeah. Ah! Finesse!
Starting point is 01:57:45 Dunlop Tires, free your soul! How's the new marketing coming, Frank? Free your soul, take a life! I mean, it's a pretty catchy jingle. I like it. Let's take an early lunch. Free your soul, take a life. I mean, it's a pretty catchy jingle. I like it, let's take an early lunch. Free your soul, take a life. Dunlop, eat the heart. Dunlop, eat the heart.
Starting point is 01:58:16 Is that teleprompter right? I feel like we're a little, fucking eat the heart. Dunlop tires. What? Oh fuck. All right, let's get the fuck out of here. Give it up for Ben and Will, our guests, everybody. Thank you so much. Lance Anthony, everybody. Let me hear it for him.
Starting point is 01:58:32 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Starting point is 01:58:40 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Starting point is 01:58:48 Thank you.

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