The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 635 - Francis Birtles with Wil Anderson and Ben Russell - Live
Episode Date: May 28, 2024Comedians Gareth Reynolds and Dave Anthony examine adventurer Francis Birtles. Tour Dates Redbubble Merch Sources  Hydrow - Code Dollop Robot-Liter - Promocode DOLLOP...
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Game changer, I love it.
You guys feeling ready for a show?
Yeah.
It's gonna be really good.
I'm not gonna be allowed back into America.
Which is fine.
Yeah, that's like a bar burning down
and they're like, you can't come in here anymore.
You're like, cool, I didn't want to.
I was actually, this is terrible. Dave, predictions for the future of like, cool, I didn't want to. I was actually... This is terrible.
Dave, predictions for the future of America? Good, bad?
Uh, Pinochet?
I'm having some tonight.
That's a Pinochet.
You're listening to the Dollop! This is an American History podcast where each week I, man with eyeballs, dude who has
dogs, guy who wants to hold his podcast partner's hand
while we walk through the airport.
Dave Anthony reads a story from American history
to a man.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
And Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea
what the topic is going to be about.
Alright, okay, alright, alright.
Backstage after the show we'll show you the rest.
The rest will be available on Patreon.
We have two guests tonight, very excited.
One's a first-timer, one's a returning champion.
Give it up for Ben Russell and the great Will Anderson.
Let it hear Heron everybody! Let me know if you need a doll head.
If you didn't go to Ben's show, you should have here at the Melbourne Comedy Festival.
He won best director, or was that best director?
Best director. Best director? Best director.
Best director?
Best director?
Director's choice.
Director's choice.
So the director's choice.
So the director's liked you.
Yeah.
So directors liked him.
Directors, yeah.
No, comedians didn't.
So, no, but every time I'm in town and he's doing a show,
I see his show, as well as that guy
at the end, Will Anderson.
Hi, Will.
Hi.
It's nice to be here.
Thank you.
What are you doing with the doll heads?
Do you give them back or do you just...
No, my goal is to go back to America with a case full of doll heads and get stopped.
I mean, that does feel like a direction where you're going to go.
Just have dirty laundry.
Gareth finally crosses over into your own dollop.
It's about you today.
I'm in jail.
In plastic, waiting extradition.
Let me know if you want one though.
November 7th 1881.
Year of our Lord.
Francis Edwin Bertels was born in Fitzroy, Victoria.
Did someone just go, oh yeah.
Francis Berkels?
Francis Edwin Bertels
Bertels Bertels Bertels yeah okay okay he was born at Fitzroy yeah yeah that's
a which is basically Melbourne if you're from other places it's it's but back
then probably a little ways away a jaunt right
Francis was given the name of his older brother because his older brother had died earlier that
year oh yeah i like that rip yeah i mean well you know i guess don't waste a good name right
yeah yeah you like the name yeah back then the name wasn't the problem. The name wasn't the problem. Yeah. The name wasn't what killed him. No. Or was it?
I don't know.
That'd be a weird start.
We'll never know.
Yeah.
We'll never?
Never know.
They moved to the country when Francis was young.
His father was a very strict Protestant.
At 15, Frank joined the merchant navy.
At 15, Frank joined the Merchant Navy.
So he jumped ship in Cape Town to fight in the Boer War.
He had to... The Boer War.
The Boer War.
Was that a good war?
Yeah, it was great.
It was one of the better wars.
Is it in the like, top five best wars?
I mean, I put it in top two, but yeah.
Really?
People, it's a fucking really cool war.
What's the war score?
What?
What would you give the war score?
He had to escape.
Wow.
Not even a little bit of help?
No, nothing.
No? Just wow. It wasn't a yes, and but I wasn't even a new form of improv you might not have encountered a real no
but by
Life finds a way
Dave's from the well actually school of improv
And from the walk away school of improv
That's from the walk away school of improv. So to get off the ship he had to escape by shimming down the side with his clothes stuffed
in buckets.
Huh?
They weren't allowed to leave the ship so he had to flee.
But why is he shimming down the side with his clothes stuffed in buckets?
To keep his clothes, that's just...
Yeah, I mean, yeah.
Okay.
What did he do with the buckets?
Well, that's a question we'll never know the answer to.
Oh, man, it's tough, yeah.
He went to shore with buckets of clothes?
Yeah, I'm sure he put the buckets down. Okay. It was a really crazy
war. I'm not so sure that he's discarding the buckets so quickly. I agree. They are the
things that he's got his clothes in. If he needs to lower them down the sides
he also needs to transport his clothes. I agree. You're keeping the buckets until
you've got like a suitcase or something to replace your buckets.
And maybe you could trade two good buckets for a suitcase back in.
That's what I'm thinking, you know.
You could put all your clothes into your jacket and tie it up and then tie it to a stick.
So he was either too young,
or So he was either too young or it was because he fled the merchant navy but the Australian militia refused to take him.
It's cool how you guys are at every war just hanging out. I mean you don't start it but you're just there.
And someone's gotta start him.
Don't worry, we'll figure it out so we joined the South African forces
and learned how to survive in the bush and he rode his first bicycle oh wow the
traditional instrument of transportation in the bush? You never forget your first time.
First time on a bush bike.
With all the buckets of clothes on him.
Does anyone know where our suitcases?
Well, this was the first war that bicycles were used in combat.
Okay, so this is...
What?
That's the best! I'm sorry, that is a... What? That's the best!
I'm sorry, that's a tandem one?
You betcha.
War can be fun.
That's a bicycle built for war?
It's an eight-man bicycle.
Are they the baddies or the goodies?
Yes.
I can't believe what I'm seeing. So they were also used by field scouts and messengers, which is what Francis was.
And then at some point he biked across the great Karoo desert, which was 800 miles.
So riding really long distances on a bicycle was a new thing and it was called overlanding.
Going over land.
Interesting.
Anything can be an overland.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah.
If you think about it, walking.
Even when you're in the ocean because there's still land.
Technically, yeah. You know what I mean? Sure. You know what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah, even when you're in the ocean because there's still land
Technically yeah, I mean sure you know what I'm saying. Yeah, nope nope no because there's
Underneath the underneath the ocean there's land exactly. Thank you. You're welcome fuck wait. Have you seen the little mermaid? I?
Actually haven't tell me about it Hold on let me I think I know what I me about it. Hold on. Let me, I think I know what
answer I'm gonna get, but hold on. Hey Dave? Yeah.
Um, I was talking to Ben
and um, he's never seen The Little
Mermaid, the documentary Disney made. Okay. I was gonna see
if maybe during the show at some point,
if there's a minute where you need a minute.
We can watch it right now, I'll just put it on here.
Oh, I think it went too good, I think it's a trap.
Oh no, we don't, we're good.
I'll just talk to him backstage.
All right.
In 1905, Frank came down with a blackwater fever, that's what America's got
It's exciting
Which was a complication of
Malaria your blood vessels burst.
Is that bad?
I mean, it depends what you're doing.
Let's say you're riding on a bike with eight of your best friends.
If you're trying to scare people, it's great.
Right, okay.
So he went back to Australia, where he healed, and then he decided he was going to bike from Perth to Sydney.
Fuck. And then he decided he was going to bike from Perth to Sydney. Fuck me.
Yeah.
I mean, even by today's standards, people were like,
that's too far.
Is it for charity or something?
That's too far to just ride your bike.
And that's like with modern day bike technology.
This was the olden days.
Like, we'll barely fly there to do a show
like fun it's insane it's inhuman to do this in the Virgin Lounge like I mean
we you know this is crazy my we're human beings they don't recommend you drive
across
This guy was like... And his blood vessels are popping.
Ping ping, ping ping!
I reckon there will be some water up soon.
At some point.
Look at those prairie...er...meerkats!
So, temperatures can get up to 47 Celsius, 116 Fahrenheit.
So it seemed like a suicide run.
Yep. A suicide bike. Yeah
But overlanders
suicide overland
True or water or which is still overland
You can't trap me
So they would just go out and hope they'd find water. So after 11
days without finding water, Frank had to turn back. That's a great option. I did
not know he had that option. I don't know. Like you already know, yeah, firstly you've
already ridden that far, you know, that how far back, and you know that Perth is at the other end of it.
Certainly not a pot of gold, is it?
Yeah.
Like this guy was literally willing to ride a bike
through the desert to get away from Perth.
And then he had to go back.
This is the confident riff of a guy
who just completed a weekend of my shows in
Perth and hope that Perth will forgive me this in the year it'll take to go back again.
Yeah, like if your plane's turning back to Perth you jump out.
You're like, nah!
Fuck it.
Shout out to Perth, it's a great time to listen at home.
Appreciate the support, it's awesome to be there.
I grew up there so I can say that it's fucked. That's great. Oh
Took a turn. Okay, he's a
Native
So he tries the second time he just leaves from a little bit of a different location. That was the problem probably yes again
No water and he has to turn back
Again, no water, and he has to turn back. So he tries.
Wait, is he making any pivots or adjustments?
Like is he discovering where there's water?
He's going different routes.
He went in a different direction.
Yeah.
Okay, so hoping that water, sure.
Yeah, so he tries again.
And on the third try, he makes it to the south coast
and then heads west.
Days later, he ran into a plague of Marchflies.
A plague? Is that like a murder of crows but worse?
Yeah, yeah, I think a plague is worse than a murder.
Well, okay, potato.
Um, they attacked his face and he was nearly blinded.
In agony he rested for days covering his flesh with cloth and his eyes with a flower mixture
And then he like a mix
Put the candle in his mouth
Okay, guys
He uses the water for the mix that that's all the water he has.
Well there we go, that'll actually do it.
There we go, that'll be nice.
Okay, so I hope he has to go back to Perth.
Jesus, it went worse, not good.
No water's better than a plague of flies.
Whose birthday is it?
Nobody's. It's...
Well, he rested for days,
and then eventually he was able to travel again,
and he reached Sydney on May 9th, 1908,
after 113 days and 6,000 kilometers.
Fuck. Holy shit.
Look at you.
I mean...
Pretty good. Spoilers, he's gotta be dead by now, but come on here.
Let's listen to this story.
Yeah, let's hear it, Dave.
He might be here tonight.
Dave's invited his family.
That would be the worst reveal ever at the end of the show.
And his daughter's here tonight.
Hey! We wish we'd known!
Sorry about all that ass stuff.
By the way, that's to come.
That has an ass stuff is about halfway through every show.
So, I mean, people think it's awesome awesome so he decides to ride north next.
Sydney Bike Store gave him a racing bike with Dunlop tires and another stored game of a
camera to take pictures of the outback.
And he left on October 21st.
The bike had a headlight, a first aid kit, a water bag, two bags of food, a sleeping bag, and a rifle.
A mixing bowl.
Frank was what was known as a sundowner.
Not like Biden, a different kind.
Laughter
That's ridiculous. Some of us are pro. Nevermind.
They, uh, so sundowners are travelers who just showed up at a home unannounced at around
sundown.
Sorry, we have a different term for that now. A burglar.
Just in time for dinner.
So they'd knock on the door and be like, hello, I'm traveling through. Will you feed me?
And people would though.
And what?
And people would feed them, right?
Yes, well some would, some were happy to host,
others were super annoyed
because they could barely feed themselves.
Yeah, yeah, but that's why you got the rifle.
Yep.
That's right.
That's absolutely right.
Here's a name I'll get wrong for sure.
Frank survived a brush fire near Gimpy.
Wow, I think all you have to do is have no confidence. Yeah right. That's the secret.
There he crossed a swamp and his legs were bleeding from the leeches. His feet were also
cut by sharp sticks, so he covered the cuts with clay to keep the
flies out.
Quote, but the heat of the sun soon cracked the clay and I suffered from festering sores
for weeks.
He's got to put some flair on it.
Yeah, absolutely.
Cake him up a little bit.
Cake up his face.
A little frosting.
A couple of those novelty candles that keep reigniting.
Yeah. Oh, fuck. Little frosting a couple those novelty candles that keep reigniting. Yeah
Fuck
It's weird too cuz he's deciding to like we've had versions of this story before where it's like someone's like oh fuck We're but he's like, all right. Here we go. Yeah, like he's choosing to go
Get trench foot for no reason for no reason, right? for... He's probably getting laid when he gets home.
The joy of the trip, the journey. No reason, yeah.
So he rode all the way up to Darwin and then he went south following a telegraph line.
And one day in the middle of nowhere, he comes across three men who are driving north in a car.
They were trying to be the first people to drive across the continent. He was like, that's an option
What what the fuck is this weird bike?
Wow and they were like, yeah sure
They chatted for a little bit and then they went their separate ways. Wow. What a story.
Just the craziest thing.
The fact that it was huge.
We chatted.
We ate cake out of his feet.
The guys drove off like fucking cyclists.
Some guy's walking in his lane. I hate Uber Eats.
Frank arrived in Sydney after 13 months and 8300 miles.
Oh my God.
Now he's getting a little bit of fame.
People are starting to enjoy this. And also I like that obviously at the time it was like it's time for a photo. Could
everybody look the sternest they've ever looked in their entire life. This is the most serious
topic. We're about to take a photograph for history of a man who's ridden a bike all around Australia rather
than deal with whatever he's actually running away from.
The fact that he was named after his dead brother.
I'm my old man!
Should have been Todd! Did the whole thing on a bicycle built for two, but just him?
Oh fuck.
He's like out there making a cake, brother.
Hello, Frank One.
Singing a duet alone.
Exactly my mate and that's the only way.
Brothers in arms.
Together we're forever and a.
Yeah we're one apart.
Yeah we're figuring out.
Cause everything we do.
No you don't Frank one. Yeah, we're one apart, no! Yeah, we're figuring it out, cause everything we do...
No you don't, Frank One!
Because we got it all, and I like salad!
And he's a man!
And running from our emotions, cause my dad sucks!
and runnin' from our emotions, cause my dad sucks! And then, yeah!
Together, forever, we'll figure it out!
My man brother and I!
And we'll eat the bike tire,
and we'll put a kick on our face, cause the flies hit us,
and all over the place.
Fuck.
Fuck.
I guess it's okay to make fun of dead babies now.
Wow. That actually made it more real. Frank. Yeah, that actually, that was a terrible moment.
That was no good. I was fine with it up until that point.
Same here, and I did it.
No, don't put that near me.
I don't want this anymore.
Yeah, but don't give it to me.
What do I do with it?
Put it over there!
Jesus Christ, everyone relax.
It was a fun moment and we're fine.
Go ahead, read the next fucking, sorry.
Read the next, ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
So.
Ha ha ha ha.
Oh my God, what a tale, a bike!
Ha ha ha ha.
So Frank was getting a fame now.
He wrote a book, he wrote for newspapers.
And now he was addicted to exploring.
And he set out again.
This time Darwin to Perth, then Adelaide.
Hmm.
Okay.
And when he made it, and when he came back, Sydney goes fucking bananas.
He's a national sporting hero.
Yeah.
Also he had filmed it, and his documentary opened up to huge audiences.
What the fuck?
What did he film?
The camera he was filming on?
Now he has like a...
Had to be an awful documentary for back then.
The Australian Brush Car Company had an American made car.
Every man's.
The axles and chassis were wood.
For promotion, they wanted their mechanic,
Sid Ferguson, to drive from Perth to Sydney,
and they also hired Frank.
To.
As sponsors, an oil company and Dunlop Tires
put fuel and tires at different
spots along the route and they left on March 16th 1912
and so he's just riding along just because he's famous now he's just in the
car he's not biking yeah they thought it would help with the shirt because this
is a promotional right right but easy biking like easy biking along the way no no he's in the car
He's not like that but the bike on the back of the car or whatever
He did bring a bike on the back of the car
But he's not riding it that was just in case things got really bad and he would ride off
For sure the other guy dies then he's like this goes bad. I'll just get out of here
So he was still thinking about biking. Yeah, he was.
Yeah, he was on there.
He was still thinking about it.
You never quit.
Yeah, no.
Yeah.
It's like riding a bike.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
At each day at sunrise, the flies came.
Quote, the flies are unbearable.
They got into our eyes, our ears, down our necks, got into our tea, and insisted on forming
part of our meal.
It's such a poetic way to put the fact that flies are ravaging you.
They decided to become part of our meal.
The flies came.
The flies came.
Fuck!
Right there I would not go anywhere no I'd be
on that bike yeah out of there it was incredibly slow going through the scrub
there was thick vegetation they also couldn't see yeah it smashed the
headlights Frank would get out and hack a path at night Dingo's prowled around
the camp howling.
In the car, they had to sit shoulder to shoulder while bouncing on the small seat.
Can I call you Frank one?
Stop asking that.
And as the trip went on, they got along less and less.
Oh, this is fun though, because then we know at the end what'll happen.
It's the original sitcom.
Soon Frank stopped talking.
Oh, shit.
And he just waved in the direction they were supposed to go.
They didn't speak for days and days.
That is bad.
And then the wooden axle broke.
Oh, no, you gotta talk now
We should do a whole thing on Dunlop tires for the podcast. Yeah, the Dunlop
Dunlop. Go ahead. You got it? We'll pitch it. We'll figure it out over here and we'll get back to you boss
The wood chassis rail then cracked they made one out of eucalyptus. That'll hold. After 20...
TORCULALIS!
After 28 days in Sydney, they made it in, and a crowd was waiting and cheering to greet them.
They said nothing to each other and parted.
Wow.
That's how this show's got to end.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
That's the final episode.
Yeah.
Did you go that way?
I got that way. Never again. I wonder what he said. Yeah. Oh yeah. That's the final episode. Yeah, you go that way, I go that way.
Yeah.
Never again.
I wonder what he said.
Yeah.
Just never, never again.
Never again.
What was the last thing, do you reckon?
He probably gave shit to bikes.
Yeah.
Yeah, fuck bikes.
Wow.
The dog was like,
brrr, brrr, brrr.
That probably was the dynamic the whole time though,
because when he had to get out and like chop the way
and whatever, he was like, I didn't have to get out and like chop the way and whatever,
he was like, I didn't have to do this when I was on my bike.
Say it again. Say it again.
You're not on your bike.
I'm just saying that the bike is a bit away.
Yeah, no, it's great. Well, go back out here. OK, go back alone.
I want to go on bike alone, but I'm being paid to be in this ridiculous contraption with you.
Ridiculous contraptions.
That's the guy who had fucking cake on his eyes.
So flies wouldn't eat him.
You're lucky you have me. You're lucky you have. There like more flies now with this contraption than there was with the bike
It's slower at least you're not going as fast towards the flies
Well, let me tell you what this bike is not gonna do bring your brother back so
If you bring up my brother one more time bring up your brother one more time
Yeah, it's pretty hard to when you keep calling the fucking dog Frank. Oh, you you're Frank the dog's name is Alfred
And that's it never told you
So now they're heroes of course
So now they're heroes. Of course.
Yeah, because it's a huge feat.
For an entire day, Australia is celebrating, and then the next day that Titanic sinks and
everyone forgets about it.
Aw man, are you serious?
You know they say those two captains weren't speaking to each other when that happened.
Now Frank goes on a ton, and he just starts going on a ton of car trips.
Sometimes with his brother Clive?
What?
Is that real?
What just happened?
Frank is a dog.
Wake up.
Oh my god.
This was a crazy theory for a while.
Do your own research.
9-11 was an inside joke.
Frank is a dog.
You think I'm fucking kidding around? haha your own research
is a dog fucking kidding around
government doesn't want you to know man man like a dog rode a bike across Australia
and the only reason people don't know is because of the Titanic
the government makes money you don't know the government makes money every It's because of the Titanic
People knew that dogs could ride bikes you think the fucking the fucking Titanic just had a fucking big thing
Those pranks a fucking dog and his brother is in the new Frank. Alright that one got away from me at the end a little bit but it's just canoeing. Fuck dude. Frank is the dog the YouTube channel. Alright today we're gonna like, Frank spent his last like 10 years as a Cocker Spaniel.
So there were a lot of clues along the way.
So he brought back photos and film of the outback and now people are seeing the outback
for the first time because of Frank and he becomes a household name. And then Ford hired him as a spokesman and gave
him a Model T. Frank however became entitled. He once drove a ruined Model T to a Ford agency
in the outback and demanded a new free engine. Because he was Francis Bertels.
But the manager refused and Frank left livid.
The next day, a guy found an old,
unconnected engine in his brand new Model T.
Yeah!
Smart.
It just stole some poor guy's engine.
Pretty good though, I mean that's a good caper.
We have a mystery on our hands.
Yeah. Yeah. Look at these paw prints. Pretty good though, I mean that's a good caper. We have a Mr. Lee on our hands.
Look at these paw prints.
Curious.
He always brought a dog on his trips.
There were several dogs that he had through the, one of them didn't make it, he got caught
in the, it of them, one of them didn't make it, he got caught in the,
it's gonna happen.
Frank was so distraught he couldn't drive for a while
because he loved, he did love his dogs.
Well, because the dog was driving.
Yes.
Shouldn't have named him Axel.
And my country, our politicians shoot him.
Like heroes.
country our politicians shoot him like heroes up to 33% it started 24 24% approved and now now 33% approved the dog killing it's gonna keep going up
because America's fucking crazy no she makes some good points about that. She started to make more cogent points on behalf of her family.
So at one point, Frank and Clive retraced Burke and Will's path.
The resulting movie was a smash hit.
Of course.
Nothing was happening.
Now Frank also on all these trips was sure that at one point he would find gold and he
was always looking for it.
That's a really weird little wrinkle.
Just on instant he was like there's got to be gold out here.
Yeah.
Right.
We should dig here.
He's like the metal detector guys at the beach, but with no metal detector. Yes.
Once when searching his car blew a gasket,
their water was running out,
and then some cows walked by with mud on their legs.
So they followed the tracks until they were overcome
by the smell of dead animals.
Wait.
Good news, buddy.
No.
A waterhole clogged with dead and dying cows.
This is good news?
Quote, a green slime on the coats of some, dingoes had been eating them alive.
Eyes picked out by crows were fly blown.
I waded into the muddy water and filled the tins.
He's drinking green cow dead slime water?
The slime gives it flavor.
Yeah.
It's called water tartare.
What tartare?
What tartare?
What tartare?
What tartare?
Shit!
That's fucking awesome.
Mate, it tastes like bone broth.
If you have it every day you don't need to get the vaccine.
Just go down there.
Here, I've got these two buckets. Go down there, take these
buckets down, you fill them up with the bone broth and you have that every day.
I knew the buckets would come back.
You said don't keep them. I've been dragging them around Australia, but finally we need
those buckets.
You really stood by that plan the whole time and it's really worked out great. Now that
we can drink the cow water.
It's actually broth.
It's like how liver king lives.
Yeah.
Drinks just shredded.
Every day.
And steroids.
Well, maybe.
Hey, that's a.
Come on, he works out.
That's our next president we're talking about.
Makes you back off, asshole.
I'd vote for him. Yeah. got my vote. Oh my god we're gonna die so soon. Okay keep going. But the car engine was dead and then two Aboriginal men find them and help them pull the car to higher ground because wet season was coming.
And they set Frank up in a cave
and they lived there for three months.
Holy fuck. Wow.
What a twist.
Then after three months, they brought mail
with gasket heads in them from an outback station.
Like the dogs still like, Joe, what's the plan?
Yeah, the dogs right on
the engine that's weird something a person would do
holy shit that that trip was six months well three were in a cave yeah yeah
Frank next wrote the prime minister seeking government
funding to make a documentary. And the PM was sending experts at the time to survey
for a railroad and thought, well, Frank can blinks, bring some glamour to this and do
his own survey. Sure. And he'd give him a thousand pounds and the government bought and lent him a new Hudson
Super 6, which is a big car, six cylinders. Impressive. Now, Frank would have to pay for
fuel and maintenance. Weird. On the trip. And he met a new young friend, Roy Fry, and Roy
Fry joined him and Roy got no pay, just internship.
It's a good name, Roy Fry.
That's the sort of name that you have to say the both names.
Roy Fry.
How are you?
Roy Fry.
I'm assisted, Roy Fry, assisted.
Friend.
Unpaid passenger, Roy Fry.
Roy Fry.
This is Frank, he might be a dog, anyway.
Oh, all righty Ready I'm not sure and
Out of what seemed like nowhere Frank all of a sudden got married and then left three weeks later what?
Hang on the main character left what the person that we've been following this whole time
Yeah, Frank all of a sudden just got married, no one knew from where she came from.
Hang on, you just introduced a new character that none of us are aware of.
He just- Yes.
And he married her.
They literally know, all of a sudden she just popped up and they were married, no one knew
anything about her, and then they took off.
What was she like?
What color hair? Red.
Blood red.
Blood?
Of course if Dave has the makeup
of detail.
Murder red hair.
Dead eyes.
Dehydrated organs.
Barely a woman.
He met her in that cow
swamp thing that's a cow
I love her so Frank would fill up a gas stations and then say the Prime Minister
was paying holy fuck that's a great move.
Yeah, cannot corroborate that in any way.
Well, there's no way for us to know if that's true or not.
Could you still do that?
Yeah. Yes.
I do that, yeah. You still do that?
All the time. In America, it makes no sense.
Put it on the prime minister.
Ten, please.
It's not fucking working again.
It's with these guys.
So this was at a time when he would say this, and then the gas station owner would then go in and call the Prime Minister's office.
That is fucking crazy.
I saw this episode of The Simpsons.
I mean, it was the thought also going through my head.
I was like, oh, we are like that.
You fucking are.
I'm going to call the Prime Minister.
Just so you know, if I should have given petrol to that fella who said the Prime Minister said he'd pay for it.
If it's an emergency
I cannot believe that didn't work Well we talked to the prime minister and he said he's not paying for it
Fuck he answered? Yes
Well the prime minister's office just said okay but we'll just take it out of his pay
$1000 minister's office just said okay but we'll just take it out of his pay. Oh yeah. So in Queensland they were driving through tall grass when they hit
a stump. Frank quote, there was a roar and upshot a sheet of blinding orange
colored flame. Is he describing fire? Yes. Okay.
Ah.
Then with clothing ablaze, I leapt out
and throwing myself on the ground,
roll over and over on the grass.
Sure, stuff to a pro.
Yep, because of the fire.
Yep. Yep.
The spare tanks exploded 80 gallons.
Fire shot 40 feet up.
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Roy walked out of the flames,
strips of skin hung off his fingers.
So Roy didn't know that stuff dropped.
Roy did, Roy did, Roy.
Yeah.
Whoa.
That's,that's good
writing.
That's just good writing.
We should have seen it
come.
Oh my
God.
Hey!
Makes a lot of sense now.
Roy Fry. Roy Fry.
Roy Fry!
On fire! Roy stop introducing yourself.
Roy Fry burn!
Roy Fry.
We don't know his name was Roy Fry.
They were his last two words.
Roy Frye they were his last two words
Roy Frye!
No Roy Schmidt! Frye! Alright Roy Frye, Jesus Christ
Get out boy you're burning
So... Anyway he's dead
We don't know that yet
His he had breathed in fire so his tongue was swollen his nostrils were burned inside both of their clothes were burnt off
So now they walked
ten kilometers
Naked and came across an aboriginal camp and they walk in and that original people like what the fuck
White people are so fucked up like they're worse than I thought they're crazy
Roy's a little less white to be honest
So they sent a runner and he ran 34 miles that night.
And then station hands came and they took Roy and Frank to a hospital 70 kilometers
away.
They like put them in a cart and like good stuff.
Now rumors swirled that Frank had died. And the Prime Minister's... Well, to be fair...
Yeah.
The Prime Minister's office is panicking,
because this is their, you know,
trip that they're paying for.
And they had also never heard of Roy Fry.
They didn't even know he was on the trip!
Oh yeah.
Brutal.
Yeah.
He would hate to be Roy Fry.
Who? I'm on a... Frye's dead. Kind of. He's got jerky fingers.
Walk me through the bad part. Jerky? Because that's the only part that I'm
seeing is bad. We're thinking of fingers that look like jerky, and it's not great. Yeah. Are you?
Oh yeah, well yeah, I think that's fine though.
Yeah!
Jerky fingers?
Jerky fingers would be good,
but you'd want the jerky to be grown back.
Yeah, and then there's like the little packet in his hand
that's like, do not eat this part.
Yeah.
You'd want, you wouldn't want finite jerky hands.
No.
You'd want infinite jerky.
Yeah, fuck yeah.
Now we're talking
Now we're creating the ultimate Australian
And they keep growing so if you like went off it you just have giant. He's like Groot. Yeah
Jerky Groot
I am teriyaki
So you couldn't have a dog.
There's no way you could have a dog and be made a jerky.
Yeah.
Come back down.
Your theory holds a lot of water.
I'm thinking.
Cow water, okay.
I'm trying to objectively take in the whole situation
Yeah, you say situation. Yeah, okay, because I'm searching for an answer answer. There you go. Yeah
So once the prime minister's office knew that they were both alive
They investigated and they concluded it was Frank's fault
for removing the exhaust system.
So Frank would always modify the cars on his trips.
So he had like an exhaust system going around
the side of the car, and like it was a fucking shit show.
So they're done with him.
And Frank said he's gonna continue the surveying trip
at his own expense, even though his right arm was now semi-paralyzed.
OK.
So he paid a pilot, and they did an aerial survey instead.
What a weird one.
And now the government finds out that he's
been writing bad checks all over the place.
And the Melbourne Age
wrote about it, and now, and since they wrote about it,
then more IOUs start pouring into the prime minister's office.
So it's a fucking disaster.
Oh, Mary, I don't think the prime minister is gonna pay for that.
Roy has no money, and he's obviously debilitated because he was well he can't write a check
either way.
We could.
Sure.
Blood.
So he goes to heal at his parents house and he keeps writing Frank to get money. Get my... Ah! What? Ah, ah, ah! What? Ah!
Frank never responds to him,
and the Prime Minister,
the Prime Minister's office is not gonna acknowledge
that Roy's there.
No.
Jesus Christ.
And then Frank's wife comes to the Prime Minister's office.
Oh, right. Oh, yes.
And asks for help,
because he's completely abandoned her
and never went back to her.
It's a shit show.
So now the prime minister's office sends anything related to Frank
to the crown solicitor.
What this is all for like an ad done lap tires.
Stick with us.
Frank's a dog. Roy's dead, he's at his parents house.
I'm trying to thread the needle here.
So his name's shit now.
Articles are written about his terrible survey, his treatment of Roy, and also how he abandoned his wife.
And creditors are dogging him.
So when a creditor would come ask for money,
he would just get in his car and drive to the outback.
You really don't know if that's a man or a dog.
Show me where the man begins and the dog ends.
Show me a picture of him and a dog in the same one.
Yes.
Checkmate.
picture of him and a dog in the same one. Yes.
Checkmate.
So, over the years, Frank became very friendly with Aboriginal people and sometimes he would
live with them for a time.
They called him Motorcar Frank.
And the films he took of them lacked stereotypes and paternalism that others did, and he was
also very vocal about their terrible treatment.
So then Frank came back from a trip,
and he was planning a theater show about his film.
Everything was a theater show.
Yeah, but nobody came to this one.
People were over Frank.
His car trips, the Outback films, they're done.
He needs to reinvent himself. Yeah
Now Malcolm Henry Ellis is the chief political correspondent for the Sydney Daily Telegraph. Oh
He hates commies. Okay, and he loves Britain and Australia. Yeah
Sounds like a cool, dude
Our kind of fella at the dollar fight, I guess.
Alright.
Historian E.C. Fry.
Oh shit. Look out.
Run, E.C. Run!
Why?
Ahhhhh!
Historian E.C. Fry called him, quote,
one of nature's fascists. One of nature fat like he grew on a tree naturally a fascist
Naturally a fascist or he came out or he was living in the woods and right just came out of fat out of cow water
Yeah
so Malcolm wants to show how
Great English cars are and he chose the Bean 14. The Bean 14? The Bean 14 to drive
from Sydney to Darwin and back. What should we call the car? Oh, a bean. I don't know,
a bean. I don't know, a bean. What should we call everything? Maybe a bean. This is
all beans. This is the only bean you can drive. yeah, it's pretty good isn't it?
Isn't it?
This is the 14th bean.
Yeah, the new bean.
Of all the beans, and there are a lot of them, this is number 14.
Which is actually quite high on the bean list.
Well, and this has got a wheel on it, you can drive this bean.
My wife's a bean, we know.
Fucking hell.
I still don't know if it's bee or bean.
Bean.
Bean.
The car's on fire, who would bake the beans?
Fucking hell.
Turning more and more beetle-y.
Oh, we got the beans.
We're the bean-tels.
Oh.
Oh, we got the veins. Where are the vein toes?
Oh.
So Malcolm chose Frank as a co-pilot and the car company also sent their mechanic slash
driver, John Simpson.
Frank and Alice, Frank and Malcolm, I'll call him Alice.
Frank and Alice do not like John Simpson.
Oh.
Okay.
No, the dog's name's Dinkum?
Yeah, that's Dinkum.
Dinkum!
It quotes.
Oh yeah.
It's a nickname.
The dog's real name is Roy Fry.
Dinkum?
Dinkum.
Love it.
Bloody Dinkum, huh?
I love it. Bloody dinkum, huh?
So Ellis named the Bean 14 the Scarlet Runner because it was red and a Scarlet Runner is a type of bean.
So I really landed into this bean thing.
Yeah, in a way I couldn't see coming.
It's the adulterer bean.
So, John Simpson turns it turns out, is extremely paranoid.
Fuck man.
And he brings a semi-automatic pistol on the car ride
and is often loading and unloading it as they drive.
Oh, that's fun.
That's fun.
That's fun on a car, right?
Unloading and loading your semi-automatic.
Sounds like he's on cocaine.
Yeah, probably.
It was legal at the time, I guess.
Encouraged.
Probably had a lot of cocaine.
Do you have a gun?
You need cocaine.
Wish there was another car out here
so we could shoot someone.
Oh, god.
Cool. That's a feature on Uber in America.
Do you want your driver to be loading his gun?
No conversation either.
Once when the car broke down, Simpson asked,
Let's shoot it! Let's shoot the dog!
I'm the new governor of South Dakota
Conceived because that yeah that almost yeah, that was a real moment where people are like we get the joke
But we're against shooting dogs literally the most popular
TV personality in this country is a cartoon
And we're coming for him.
Sorry, we love freedom.
So when the car broke down, Simpson asked, quote,
Is there a garage we can tow her to?
They're in the middle of fucking nowhere.
It's a fair question.
Frank then hoisted it up in a tree and repaired it
We saw shoot at it
Now another problem with this trip
Was that Ellis and Frank had recurring fevers from previous malaria infections? Yeah, what the fuck and when Frank was taken by fever he would go bananas
Quote anything could happen.
All it would take was for Frank to walk over to the car,
pick up one of any number of rifles or revolvers
or an axe, and let fly.
The madness would end after five minutes,
and he'd say, quote, well, that's it, I feel better. Well, we've all been there.
Yeah, no, it can be very-
We've all been taken by the fevers.
Yeah, you know what I mean?
Absolutely.
You know what I mean?
Just gotta resist them.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, it's fun.
Blow a little steam off you.
Exactly.
Is it?
This is why you don't name your child after his dead brother.
This is why you don't name your child after his dead brother. I do.
There might be another duet coming if we're not careful.
I'll get an axe.
With the gun it's twice as.
We're gonna do it.
We're like the solve up. I
Got your back and you got my front when we do it
It would be fine
I think about you every day. I think about you too, brother What?
La la
Keep up with the beat, my sweet old brother
Oh, I'm keeping up the beat
Oh, shit
The song's a lot less catchy now, man
The song's a lot less catchy now, man. I'm going to enter your body and take you over.
I'm ready to go.
La la la la la.
And they never spoke again.
It's a sad story. It's a sad story.
It was a sad story.
It's a three month trip altogether.
The first car to drive to Darwin and back.
Once again, Frank is liked by the public.
Nice.
He's back!
Frank's back!
Woo!
U.S. Car
Imports Rural Australia
which upset Ellis.
So he gets
a textile engineer and
industrialist to fund
design and build
the perfect Australian car.
It would be done at the
Bean Car Company in England.
Perfect, keep the jobs here.
And then they would drive the car across Europe and Asia
to Singapore and then to Australia,
which no one had ever done.
That's because it's an ocean.
It is.
Yeah.
Ocean's land though, ocean is land.
There's land under the ocean. You turned it back on me and after I turned it on you, all I hear from you guys is no.
I think you were testing me the whole time to be quite honest with you.
And then you tested me after that.
Then we passed.
Didn't we, Dad?
We did, son.
It's too real here, Dad. We did, son.
Is he really your dad? Yeah.
We're gonna reveal that at the end of the night.
Dude, that's tight.
Keep going, Papa.
Yep.
They obviously were.
I mean, it is nice that you work with your dad.
Sweet. Yeah, right.
Here you go.
Good pop.
So on the, for the trip, Ellis picked World War I vet Eric Walter Knowles, who was known
as Billy, and Frank as his team.
Okay.
So Billy and Frank. Sure.. Okay. So Billy and Frank.
Sure.
The car was called the Imperial Six.
Cool.
It was a month behind schedule,
so it was finished in late January.
An employee called us, an employee quote,
it was ghastly.
It was a ghastly looking car, like a truck.
Very large and heavy.
Yeah.
Anyway, it's really, it's like Homer Simpson's car
that he designed.
So it's super large and heavy.
They're already a month behind schedule,
which means winter's a concern.
So Ellis starts out the trip.
That's probably one of the,
you've probably said that line in this podcast 60 times.
Winter was a worry.
Winter was concerning.
It was getting colder.
They were worried.
This ends with someone eating a finger.
Jerky fingers.
Roy.
I told you I'd come in handy. Oh my goodness.
So Ellis starts off the trip a mess.
He had broken ribs just before and then he starts having...
Was there ever a doctor evaluating them before they left?
Like, you've both got malaria now get the fuck out of here.
But imagine you have broken ribs,
like you know the great is a car ride.
Ride the car through the cold winter.
So yeah, he also starts having a malaria relapse.
In France, the car needed constant adjustments.
The radiator was leaking due to the freezing weather,
and Frank kept having to remove the radiator to fix it.
And Ellis was getting sicker and testier.
They drove all the way to Dragonman Pass,
which is between Yugoslavia and Bulgaria and Nocar.
We know where that is.
What was it again?
Dragonman's Pass.
Dragoman.
Dragoman's Pass. Dragonman's Pass. Dragoman. Dragoman's Pass.
Dragonman's Pass.
Where the dragon man lives?
The Dragonman's Pass.
Wait, the Dragonman's Pass.
The Pokemon.
Yep, it is Pokemon.
Go ahead, Dad.
Which is between Yugoslavia and Bulgaria, no car had ever driven through.
The Bulgarians said the Yugoslavians, quote, drink blood with their porridge. Oh, yeah, so it is Dracula's bus.
And guards are regularly killed on both sides.
But they make it through. No blood drinkers, just nice people. That's cool.
In Turkey, the British Embassy gives them a guide and then the car breaks down and they need a new crown wheel and pinion I don't know what that is but important
so Ellis takes a train to Istanbul to wait for parts being sent from England
and so it sets them back more and once it's running they drive too close
to a town that's forbidden to foreigners.
Well, that's a problem.
Is the paper report like, the whole thing is you're trying to promote a car.
Yeah, papers are important.
But the car keeps fucking falling apart.
Yeah, I don't know if that's being reported.
Right, so you're just like, boy, it's going great.
They're going to a town where foreigners are welcome most likely.
Imagine if there was a media that would talk about a car being really good despite the fact that it constantly had problems.
And that would never happen in today's society. So we're lucky that we've evolved so far away from that. No, because... Don't you think?
Capitalism...
Like if there was like a car, fancy car that you're trying to promote, but like the engines
didn't work or just blew up or...
Because capitalism regulates itself.
Yeah, so...
It's the free market.
Oh, okay, yeah, cool.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it is such a strange time.
What a weird time for a nobody.
I bet this car was better than the Cyberswap.
I made it kind of look like it, right?
Yeah, a little bit.
Big dump.
What if the steering wheel was in the middle?
You know, when we're making a car that is so great, you can fit like six Hitlers in the
trunk of it.
Six Hitlers?
Six Hitlers in the trunk.
That's part of the ad. Six Hitlers in the trunk of that. But that's it. Six Hitlers, six Hitlers, six Hitlers in the trunk.
That's part of the ad.
Six Hitler trunk.
Gordon talks all night.
He talks to me while I drive.
I'm a big fan.
That's the AC. I love this.
I'm a big fan.
I hate that.
I love that.
I'll tell you, my two most controversial jokes are Jerky Fingers and the AC Hitler.
I hate that.
I love that.
My two most controversial jokes are Jerky Fingers and the AC Hitler.
I saw them actually the big day out.
Are we going to do one more?
You guys have been awesome. We're gonna do one more
So they drive too close to this town and the reason it's forbidden to foreigners because someone just tried to
Assassinate the leader there and it turned out there were foreign guys So they get arrested and they get held for weeks and they can't figure out what's going on and they can't get word to anybody
And they write letters and they're clearly not being sent and then the guide Eventually gets out and gets word to the British Embassy and they and they get them out
But they're delayed even more
Car breaks down again
They're back in the car. Nobody was like don't do this anymore. They're like, all right on your way
Well, they let them leave Turkey basically like yeah, sure
so the car breaks down Billy goes to Beirut to
wait for parts but then he gets sick and weeks go by and then a very sick Billy
shows up and he gives him the parts and he's like I'm done I'm going home. I need
parts. So now it's just Frank and Alice driving and in the scorching hot Persian desert
They're seeing mirages and optical
It's like it's like just a pavement it's it's so hot it's just like a flat
Have to show that this car is awesome
John just like it's all got my head. Is this the beancast ill or is this this is a car?
This is the monster
material car Related now is what is it still being related the car? Yeah, it was built in the bean factory
But that's the only relation all right, which is a lot. But it's an Australian car built by the bean people.
Yeah, I got it.
Built by bean for bean.
The first car for beans.
Hey, what are we doing?
I don't know.
Honestly, I'm just a mirage.
The new bean.
Four beans, five beans, with beans.
Driven by Frank. Frank and beans.
Frank and beans!
Thank you.
You're just sitting there for so long.
I know. I honestly, I picked it up about two minutes ago and I was just negotiating our way towards it.
Your beat question makes a lot more sense now.
Hey, does my joke work?
Yeah. If you go back, you'll identify the exact moment I thought of that joke
and had to get some information in place both for myself and the audience to fully land it. Clip it out, get someone to explain it.
Yeah, completely.
I mean, I couldn't trust myself for it to move on without getting it.
Oh, no. Well, you knew I was like, fuck it, let's party.
You're like, fuck it, let's party. You're like that coat-top ass. Yeah.
Um.
So they're seeing optical illusions, quote,
giant lakes that would vanish, camels upside down,
transparent, celestial shadows.
And the Rainierter keeps boiling also.
That might have been a mirage.
Then they, they're driving,
and out in the middle of nowhere in the desert,
they just find a dude lying in the sand barely alive
I'm doing great
This is the crossover character from another doll
So they got him in the car. The idea that they're so shit fucked and they're like, great, another mouth to feed.
That's what we need.
Cool.
Ellis was afraid to give him water, so they gave him spoonfuls of coffee as he screamed
for water.
No, no, no.
You need a fresh cup of Joe. as he screamed for water. Right. Oh. No, no, no.
You need a fresh cup of Joe.
Water, water.
Piping hot coffee coming up.
How about a pick me up?
Coffee hydrates.
There you go, boy.
Nothing go for this.
Here you go boy. Nothing go for this. It was 54 Celsius 129 Fahrenheit. That's hot.
The coffee was definitely hot. Yeah. The water was hot. Yeah. You know what I think
that riff would do heaps better anywhere but Melbourne because I reckon about
half this crowd was still like, yeah I can fancy a coffee.
Fucking weaklings.
Here you go, I made a little tree shape on the top there.
It is a bean.
No, no, you're right, they're wrong. Yeah, they're wrong. They're wrong.
I think, I think, I really think...
Coffee is a bean?
I really think what happened there was they were like, Will had a better bean joke.
Yeah, but your bean joke was, I mean, it was a good joke. Coffee is a bean? Are you kidding me?
It is a bean.
Yes!
And look...
I think you're both very brave.
Just being human, you know?
Yeah.
A human being.
Shake hands.
Shake hands. Come on guys, bean it out. Bean it out. There you go. Isn't that fucking beautiful?
Just next time, just one of you guys just be the bigger bean.
What?
Um, so this guy gets better, even though they're giving him coffee.
And um.
Well I'm up!
He tells them he's a telegraph worker and he tried to walk off.
And he's like, I'm not going to walk off.
He's like, I'm not going to walk off.
He's like, I'm not going to walk off.
He's like, I'm not going to walk off.
He's like, I'm not going to walk off.
He's like, I'm not going to walk off.
He's like, I'm not going to walk off.
He's like, I'm not going to walk off.
He's like, I'm not going to walk off.
He's like, I'm not going to walk off.
He's like, I'm not going to walk off.
He's like, I'm not going to walk off.
He's like, I'm not going to walk off. He's like, I'm not going to walk off. He's like, I'm not going to walk off. He's like, I'm not going to walk off. He's like, I'm not going to walk off. better even though they're giving him coffee and he tells them he's a telegraph
worker and he tried to watch a walk a hundred kilometers to a city but didn't
make it what the fuck yes who sponsored you nobody
my family you know what a fucking idiot. Yeah.
So they take him back to the telegraph station where everyone just thought he had died.
And then they drive on and they make it
to British controlled India where they both get a fever.
Ellis had an abscess on his heel
and he refused to have it lanced.
Smart.
So they...
What sort of fever was it?
Um...
Someone said uh-oh.
The old one too is coming.
I actually don't know what kind of fever it was.
Is it maybe finals fever or holiday fever? The old one too is coming. I actually don't know what kind of fever it was.
Is it maybe finals fever or holiday fever?
Father's Day fever?
Blackwater?
Is there any indication who is the Saturday Nights?
Is it like a Black Friday fever?
I gotta go get a flat screen. That's so cool.
I have to get a flat screen.
You're freezing.
I need a blender.
Coffee maker.
So they stay in a place for 14 days, and his his foot only got worse and then he becomes delirious
But then they drive on
Holy fuck
This is still for a promotion
Yeah
No, it's not a promotion like he's trying to prove that an Australian-built car
could be ruggeded
It wasn't built in Australia though be rugged and wasn't built in Australia though.
What?
It wasn't built in Australia.
But it was built by Australians.
It was built by Australians in the bean fat. Look, I mean, you're right.
Yeah, you're right.
It's a fair criticism.
You're right.
But they are trying to prove that like, this, we got it.
Yeah, we got the Australian-built one.
And it's like going horror, everyone's dying. It's's dying not going well yeah the car breaks down what and after repairs
it would only go 20 miles per hour at a guest house Ellis said his leg quote had
changed into a pillar of purple stakes and I had lumps under my knees and arms
and a blinding subconscious pain
which seemed to make it advisable to get a doc to a doctor as quickly as possible.
Ellis said that about himself?
Yes.
So he now is like, all right, it's fucking.
Yeah, it's been a couple.
It's been like six weeks of me being in a few delirious.
I'm eggplanting.
I didn't want to tell you this, but when I went to take a pee the other day an eggplant
bit me in the woods.
Show me the bites.
Get out of here.
I'll be coming in emoji.
Okay, so the doctor looks at him and diagnoses him.
He has...
You're dying!
Real quick, do!
He has typhoid, malaria, dysentery, and blood poisoning.
I mean, that sounds like a Queens of the Stud, I suppose.
Wow.
And if you get one more, the cancer's gonna be free.
And yet they go on.
He's grimace.
You are becoming grimace.
Do you understand?
And guess you don't have him here?
No, we have a grimace.
We have a grimace.
That's tough to hear.
And yet they go on.
I mean, not a hugely popular character.
Well, we call him.
It felt like he'd never been here before when that came up.
I mean, like, of the McDonald's, you know,
Mayor McCheese was probably the hamburger clearly was the...
I think we identify more with the hamburger.
I'm not really... I would rather...
We're a convict nation, so we're like...
We identify heavily with the hamburger,
like the Ned Kelly of the McDonald's franchise.
Had to keep your eyes on your fries.
We were on the side of the hamburger. Maybe you were a keep your eyes on your fries, we were on the
side of the Hamburglar, maybe you were a bit more of a grimace guy. I love his cape.
Comfortable with that first of all. But can you go on, sorry? I love this Hamburglar's cape.
You like this cape? Yeah, I think it's a really nice cape. Yeah. I would love a cape like that.
Just a cape. There's a cape. You don't think about the Hamburglar cape.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
I reckon you could wear a cape.
Thank you so much.
Yeah.
I reckon just in general, if you were wearing a cape, people would be fine with it.
That's really nice to hear.
Yeah.
Thank you.
That's all right.
Tell me I'm wrong.
Like look at him and say that he... He could definitely do with a cat tail.
He could tell me he's wrong.
No, he's not wrong. I'm still adjusting to the grimace thing.
So, it's tough to hear, obviously.
Yeah, it just wasn't a big character here.
But was it? Yeah, it was here.
Yeah, stop saying that last part, because it felt like a good joke.
He's turning into a fucking grimace.
Was he your favorite?
I don't want to... That's not what I'm turning this into.
No, he wasn't, no.
I don't even know what the fuck he is.
I mean, you just feel like you're bringing up Grimace.
I'm not, no, I'm looking to get over there.
Is this like a promotion or something?
Is this like, are you trying to like
just suddenly squeeze in McDonald's avatar?
Are you trying to bring Grimace back?
Do you have like a Grimace project
that you're trying to pitch in Hollywood
with all your Hollywood friends
and you're like, I got some existing IP,
I'm gonna make a Grimace movie off the back of Barbie,
suddenly Gareth Reynolds is Grimace?
Oh my God. No.
Holy shit. No, hold on.
The whole Grimace family.
Okay, it's a Grimace family
and they're driving across Asia.
Yeah.
It's a Grimace Road movie.
I'm actually starting to really like what I hear a little bit.
Me as Grimace.
Yeah.
I can't go on dying.
I make it real dramatic.
My brother was Grimace.
He died at birth.
I've been in a weird purple shadow my whole life.
Man, McCheese made me live out of the goddamn woods.
Sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing at full.
Because he's my brother, after one another.
You can call it the color purple.
It's going to have to be very careful writing that one.
Just because this country is behind it is not validating for mine.
Let me know what you think.
Leave this town. All right. That's kind of what the movie is about.
That's a bit interesting, isn't it? Don't mind my expression. It's a fucking grip. Anyway.
So even though he has typhoid malaria, dysentery, blood poisoning, he goes on.
As he should.
The car is now literally coming apart.
Quote, they were now inhaling the fumes of the disintegrating metals as the engine parts
wore out.
Is that good for typhoid?
That's great.
What you need is a little airborne metal in your respiratory system.
So then the engine finally dies.
And Frank gets out and just beats the shit out of the car
with the crank handle.
I like it.
This is the best part.
He finally hits the stuff.
I fucking knew it. As Ellis is, Ellis is dying.
How's it going?
Fuck.
The car died before you, which is shocking.
Can't wait to beat the shit out of you when you're dead.
I'm gonna drive you.
What? So, it's over. I'm gonna drive you.
What?
So it's over.
What is?
And Ellis, Ellis takes a ship to Australia, but Frank decides that he is going to go back
to England and get the sundowner and drive to Australia alone.
Is anyone, who? No. Okay, thank you. Okay. Get the Sun downer and drive to Australia alone is anyone
Okay, thank you. Okay. No one is no one's like do that
Frank is now 44, but he looks with his wife his wife's like
She would oh, yeah
She was yeah, that's three week period was all he was literally was she just a mirage. He was in it for like two weeks
You guys were like, what's her name? She was in it for like two weeks. Yeah. Yeah.
That's why.
And that's the road.
You guys were like, what's her name?
I'm like, it really doesn't matter.
No.
I'm sorry, I think every woman's name matters.
That's so fucking cool, man.
Sorry, just the way I was born.
I can't believe you have the guts
to say something like that.
I'm just brave, and I don't care
what all the men in this audience fucking think.
Fuck them.
And I think it makes your point more powerful
than you're surrounded by seven female doll heads.
Yeah.
Yeah.
One pussy.
Okay. Who's name's's Judith by the way? Frank is now 44 but he looks 20 years older.
Well, because he was inhaling a car for most of his life.
Yeah, there's that.
So he takes a ship to England.
Now he needs money to make the trip, but his reputation had once again taken a big hit.
And the bean car company wants nothing to do with him.
But they do have the sundowner that he drove across Australia and they give it to him because
they're like, well, it's kind of his car.
So they let him use it.
And then he's trying to raise money.
And then a French guy leaves
to drive from Europe to Southeast Asia and then right after that a British
Army captain says he's gonna leave soon. So Frank stops trying to raise money and
he's just like I'm going. He gets a big celebratory farewell? Nobody thought he had a chance.
He bet Australian pilot Bert Hincker
on who would get to Australia first, but Bert said he'd give him a three-month head start.
Frank drove 300 kilometers a day.
The sundowner ran great.
In Greece, he was held up for two weeks due to a passport issue.
And Turkey would not let him back in, so he took a ship to Egypt.
Jesus Christ.
He was very worried about bandits.
Things were always being stolen from the car.
The only weapon he had was a small tomahawk by the driver's seat.
From Damascus, he took a smuggler's route across the desert, 800 kilometers. Thieves and murderers hunted on the route he was on.
So it's this route that no one is supposed to go on unless they're in a convoy. The French, the Syrian, the British, Iraq officials only allowed cars to travel in armed convoys.
No one could drive alone.
So the Royal Air Force patrolled,
and then they would kill people not in convoys,
because they're British.
Yeah.
So as Frank drove, two planes flew over him.
And a gunner in back looked at Frank through the gun sights.
So Frank slowed down and he took off his helmet and his goggle
and he started waving at the planes as they came back.
And they flew really low and then returned almost at the level of the car
and the pilot gave Frank an OK signal and
the gunner pointed an index finger at Frank and shook his head as they flew
off. That did not happen.
Frank told everyone that that happened. Yeah, yeah, right. That did 100% not happen. And then he gave me a wink and a smile and he said,
You are fucking foolish here, Frank.
You might have driven your fucking car through the desert,
but fucking British pilots didn't fucking swoop down
to car level and go, you're the coolest guy ever, Frank.
You're okay.
No, Nikana said that he was a really big fan. Shut the fuck up.
Skywriting.
Can we suck your dicks?
Oh, no.
You guys.
And then everyone clapped.
I was so on board with that, too.
He said that. Wow, what a moment.
You know, at my old school, they all called me Frank the Tank.
You guys want to maybe call me Frank the Tank?
If you want to.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's really cool.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Pretty cool.
So when he was in Baghdad, Frank sent a letter to a London paper. And then we got to the Persian border, he was the only car in line besides camels and donkey carts.
Fucking weird.
It was very cold now, it's winter, the car,
he keeps running the car so the radiator doesn't freeze. He doesn't wanna turn it off.
Sure.
He gets caught up in a blizzard on a mountain pass.
So he puts on copper snow chains
and the cold metal ripped the skin off his fingers.
Yeah.
Oof, uh-oh.
He stays at the top until the storm passes
and he continued on after the storm down into the valley
and he would sometimes get out and scout on foot
and when he did that once,
someone stole all his blankets and clothes.
Oh yeah.
So he's freezing and he backtracks to a fort.
When he got there, he had hypothermia
and was taken to a British mission hospital
where he recovered and then when he left,mia and was taken to a British mission hospital where
he recovered and then when he left they gave him blankets and a coat.
That was nice.
That's when the NHS worked.
And then some pilots flew by and threw blankets at him.
Take these, Frank.
You're a top notch Blair, huh?
Thank you.
Now, in Australia, no one has heard from Frank in weeks, for weeks at this point. You're a top notch Blair, huh? Thank you
Now in Australia, no one has heard from Frank in weeks for weeks at this point
So they people are worried a lot of people think he's dead
But but at Calcutta, there's a shell oil rep waiting for him on the road sitting there in a car Prime Minister said fill it up
So shell puts him up and puts the sundowner on display at their office and that's where
Frank meets 23 year old Percy Stollery who was a Canadian overlander stuck in Calcutta
because someone had stolen his bike.
So this dude is 100% going on the fucking journey with him.
100%.
He just needs his buddy.
It's great to hear his story where Shell's the hero too.
Yes.
They finally get their moment.
Yeah.
It's nice to change up.
I love an underdog.
Yes.
I would argue Shell's always a hero.
They're a job provider.
That's right.
Absolutely. Fuck yeah. Thanks buddy. Name one thing they've done wrong. I would argue shells always a hero their job provider. That's right
Fuck yeah, thank you name one thing they've done wrong bingo. Nobody said a thing go ahead
So Percy has no money and Frank thought Percy would be a really great co-pilot
Through what was going to be the the known part of the journey, the Naga Hills.
Quote, it was the impossible roadless jungles, impossible mountains, tigers, elephants, head
hunters and fever.
That's what was the problem.
The automobile association in Rangoon sent a message quote we noticed that Mr.
Biddles proposes to go to Calcutta Rangoon section by road does he know
there is no road he's like Doc Brown yeah we don't need roads and Percy's
23 yeah yes 23 such a fucking awkward thing for this fucking middle-aged dude
Just is like yeah, I drive everywhere so I don't have to face my feelings
Little man you Hello. Percy, is it? Now we can hit the carpool lanes.
The Automobile Association in Rangoon warned of wild animals and head hunters and told
them to reconsider.
But Frank was going.
So he was given a huge elephant gun.
Now there's a ton of stories about British troops
going into the Noggin Hills and never returning.
So Frank drives in, and after six weeks on a jungle road,
it narrows to a flip path.
And then it becomes an incline that is almost vertical.
And the path zigzags up at
sharp angles and then disappears into a mist because it's a goat track so they
they stop and they camp and they brainstorm how to get through this and
after about a week they decide they are going to hand carve a section bring the
car there and then carve another section
and slowly work their way up the hill.
They're basically building a road.
Holy fuck.
So they remove boulders, they cut down trees,
and they chop at the cliff face.
They needed a lower gear than the car had.
Is that a problem? Yes.
Oh.
So Francis Jacks.
We need a half.
So Francis Jacks up the car, he removes the differential
and rear axle and he flips everything upside down.
So the car now has four reverse gears and one forward.
What the fuck?
Oh, I reckon we just bloody turn it upside down.
I mean, you've got to buy that up.
Forward and reverse gears.
And the only way to go up, it's so steep, is in reverse.
So he makes the car go forward and reverse gears.
Damn, we'll just back it up. They came to a corner that was
too tight to turn, so they made a winch, attached a rope to a tree stump, and slid
the car around the corner on bamboo skids. Aren't they just, the idea is to drive a car
really far, and now they're just like here's what we got to move it
We got to build the roads by hand and we'll take the car apart. Yeah
I'm surprised they didn't put the car in backpacks and walk over
They built a four-foot ramp from stones like a ski jump and sometimes the car would slide a
Rope was tied to the front
and sometimes the car would slide. A rope was tied to the front.
Frank drove up.
Percy was at the top, taking up the rope slack,
and if the car start to fall,
he roped the line to a tree as an anchor.
Percy was like, god damn, this is a bad idea.
What the fuck?
Australian papers are now preparing obituaries.
Smart.
Frank kept the elephant gun near in case headhunters came, and then days became weeks, and the hills became steeper.
So Frank removed the rear wheels and made grooves in the brake drums with a hand file so he could
attach chains and the chains dug into the soil like cleats.
I'm fucking coming around on Frank I gotta be honest with you.
He's really having a go. This is some MacGyver level shit. I like this.
Except Garbert has reasons for doing the things that he did.
Oh, I just like how Frank's leaning in.
I'll just put a chain on the axle and back it up.
Every time he said to Percy, like,
I've got an idea, he's like, no, please don't.
We need wings.
No, don't, fuck, please.
Shoot me with the elephant rifle.
Please, end this.
We're gonna build a tunnel through the mountain.
Oh my god.
We're gonna eat the car.
Stop pinching.
And then we'll shit it out and put it back together.
We'll run up the hill, shit it out,
and I'll put it back together again.
Yeah.
And then head hunters begin appearing.
They try and like, post them to their company.
Come work for Ford, huh?
We love what you're doing, Frank.
We're such big fans, we've actually thrown heads at you.
Please!
They must really like me.
Quote, they were quite small, broad and muscular, with blue tattoos on their arms and chest,
and a long narrow shock of black hair running along the back of their skulls. They wore black cloth and or armed with long metal knives.
They would stand silently watching in groups.
Hey!
Hi.
Their rations are running out, so Frank shot a monkey.
As you do.
Didn't eat it. Now he's, I'm furious.
If I'm not eating neither is he.
Fuck you monkey!
Bullshit.
It's all those goddamn monkey's fault.
He's apocalypse nowing.
He's carrying it around.
This is my brother Frank.
He's apocalypse-nowing.
He's carrying it around. This is my brother, Frank.
He felt like a cannibal looking at the face.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Well, turn the head around.
No, you will eat it and look in the eyes of the monkey.
As is tradition.
Okay, strange rule, but alright.
The so-called hand hunters were now passing by just completely disinterested.
Then one day, they brought Frank and Percy to their village.
And they gave them rice, whiskey, and roast puppy.
What? Roast puppy?
Roast puppy.
What are you talking about?
Remember when I was the puppy villain in this episode?
You know, I made actual...
Yeah, yeah, a puppy. They roasted a puppy and they ate it.
It's... They're so tender.
Stop it. Stop it right now.
An older dog... Stop it now.
An older adult dog is grainy.
Dave. By the way, you gotta do the whiskey first. You get a nice... now an older dog stop it now there's an adult dog David grainy Dave but you can
either way you got to do the whiskey first you get a nice lipstick you don't
want to go over six months yeah oh my god it melts off the bone nice I don't
like what you're doing I think it's gonna be one of those things that you
just keep going it'll work and then of those things that you just keep going.
It'll work.
And then it'll start working.
Yeah, just keep going no matter what happens.
And you'll get there.
So, the tail.
Didn't you puppy shame me earlier in this show?
I did, yeah, it's weird.
The shoes on the other foot.
Well, I mean, first hour, second hour, you know what I mean?
The cat is optimistic if it's just been two hours.
Sorry, maybe an hour four at the moment.
After weeks, they had crossed
all 60 mountains and got through.
The French and British drivers For weeks, they had crossed all 60 mountains and got through.
The French and British drivers had said it was impossible and they had taken trains around.
Well, they were right.
To be fair, they were totally right.
The French would have said, impossible.
Yeah.
Well, I guess you guys didn't think about
backing it up on its axle and then just carrying it up shelves.
We didn't ever think of taking it apart and giving it five reversers, so that makes sense.
We have something here called quality of life and I guess we thought about that a bit.
You never thought about eating your car, did you? No, that never crossed our minds.
You never thought about eating your car, did you? No, it's never crossed our minds, eh?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The British captain was furious that Frank had found a way
and he later wrote a book and said someone found a route
through but never used Frank's name,
just calling him the Australian.
Yeah.
And he said the Australian's achievement proved nothing.
Yeah. Well, I mean, it proved that you could get through in a car.
So I proved that, minimum.
But outside of that. Yeah.
Well, you can run away from childhood trauma forever.
I proved that. Yep, that was proven.
You can always rope someone into your foolish games.
Prove that.
So now they're down the other side and they drove through very wet jungle
where no car had ever been
and they reached the village of Tamu
and there they sent telegraphs to Australia.
People could not believe Frank was alive.
But they also found out that pilot Bert Hinkler
had just flown solo to Australia and was an aviation hero
Yeah
That motherfucker we ate a car
Finally there was some way of knowing the flight was faster
First the Titanic and now this I honestly thought we'd win.
The Skytanic!
Fuck!
At Rangoon, a reporter wrote they, quote, were somewhat of a wreck.
What the fuck?
Let's prank some sleep paralysis demon.
Not really a big crowd for this one.
What's happening now?
It says a lot to say that we've hit the weirdest picture.
I assume now that we've all seen this image,
we will die in the next seven days.
I'm just glad you guys can see it.
Well, we picked up a demon. He's an overlander.
Boy, could they look worse? They're like, fuck, we are not business badly.
Do not turn around and look at the whatever that is.
Maybe the Dunlop is still advertising.
That's right, Dunlop tires.
Oh, what the fuck?
Dunlop.
Dunlop tires.
Welcome to hell, motherfucker!
Also, literally for the bit that he did that no one else had done, he had to take off the
tires.
Dunlop tires! May I say for half of this, we weren't used, but you won't be driving
up a mountain no one's ever seen before.
Dunlop, don't eat us.
["Don't Eat Us"]
["Don't Eat Us"]
Dunlop, fuck, is that a head?
["Don't Eat Us"]
Just even the way in the photo,
they're looking ahead like,
don't acknowledge this demon.
["Don't Eat Us"]
If we both pretend we can't see it.
He'll steal your voice.
Dunlop tires. Yeah there's a soul toll but so what? Dunlop.
Oh fucking. Dunlop! Dunlop is on there nine times. They probably got this picture back and was like, what the fuck were you- no, what?
What were you doing? We got some good promotional shots while we were out there.
That's a good Madman episode, they should've known.
Dunlop. Dunlop.
Dunlop.
What the fuck?
Dunlop.
Oh god.
Oh fuck.
Just a quick check in. It's okay.
Oh, fuck. Just a quick check in.
Not good.
Yeah.
Will?
There's a gored man following us.
I can't look forward because I feel like it's gonna move in the photo.
Yeah.
No.
And I look back at it.
Jesus Christ!
Dunlop!
Fuck!
Dunlop.
In the middle of it.
Dunlop.
Dunlop will steal your soul!
In the shower.
Just tires start coming up.
Fuck!
No!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Dunlop will steal your soul! In the shower. Just tires start coming up.
Ah! Ah!
No!
I've been Dunlopped!
Why didn't you Dunlop, Gareth? I'm like, huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
So, Frank now had an infected cut on his hand.
Oh.
You can see right there he's got like a white...
Oh yeah, I somehow missed that.
I don't know why I didn't immediately go to the bandage on his hand.
Don't you remember when you first pulled this image up and I said, is his hand okay?
Hey Dave, what happened to Frank's hand?
There's a big bandage on it! Oh! Also! Ahhhhh!
And I'm almost positive, the first time I looked at that photo, there was no bandage on that hand.
And if you look again, it's off. We should all go.
Yes, let's go.
I'll float above you while you drive.
It is important for everyone when you do go home, just draw a little salt circle around the drive.
Yeah, sleep in a pentagram, it'll be fine.
Don't worry about a thing.
So hold a dead chicken.
Wait, go ahead.
So they are. Hey, our podcast Dunlop, have you guys listened to it a while?
It's really, it's haunted?
New dollop tires.
The fuck is going on?
Is that blood? Dunlop.
And then the monsoons arrived.
And everything flooded.
They sat under the sun down a roof for days, unable to move the car.
Their clothes rotted and blankets grew
mushrooms. Food! Sick! New blankets! They started to show signs of malaria and then
Percy became very ill. Frank made for a port in southern Burma where they took a
ship to Penang and then drove to Singapore.
Paper said they were, quote, in a terrible condition and suffering the effects of privation.
On behalf of the panel.
I looked it up before.
It's an old timey word.
Oh, I can't look anything up.
Pervation. Yeah, it's like if you like, like, like deprivation.
That's right. It's like a good. Pervation. So it's a lot of something.
Superbs. Yep, things are, it's Oh. Oh.
Uh, Frank. Is he still there?
Is he still behind me?
It's still there, but it's-
I ended looking at it though.
It's looking at you now.
You're fine, everyone's fine.
Just shut the fuck up, finish the show.
Everything's fine.
Okay, all right.
I think you can only move when we're looking at you.
Exactly.
Vision is based on movement.
It's a T-Rex.
We're fine, Dave.
Hey, could you step out of the picture?
I'm trying to take a picture of you.
Oh, thank you.
No?
Okay.
I guess we'll just take it.
Now let's do goofy faces. The two of them, unable to look, they're like, get the fucking picture and get out of here.
Jesus Christ.
Oh my god. Fuck.
Just stay dumb, lot of boys.
Hurry.
Say it backwards.
Uh, so, he, Frank Bertels, is the first person to drive from France to Singapore.
21,500 kilometers.
Oh my god.
And still the only person who has done that.
Yep, for a good reason.
I mean, that's fucking crazy.
Crazy how they jumped Indonesia.
Ha ha.
Sort of like the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
When I get to Malaysia, you're gonna have to set up some ramps.
That's when there was one set of tire prints.
So they took a ship to Australia, both are very sick.
At Darwin, a customs official impounded the sundowner until an import duty was paid.
Motherfucker. All that and some guy at customs doesn't.
You've got rules, mate. It had been paid the first time the car came to us,
so Frank lost his fucking mind. He said he was the first person to drive from England and he was going to make their lives fucking hell
Headlines were then Bertels returns car seized duty demanded and the Prime Minister quickly called and made customs release the car
Should was that Frank pretending to be?
It's me the the Prime Minister.
That checks in.
Frank had set an amazing record and was greeted with his car being confiscated
while Bert Hinkler was held as a hero.
And if he'd flown with Hinkler, he knew he'd now have been a hero.
Oh my god, the pain.
And the government gave Hinkler 2,000 pounds.
The Prime Minister told him, quote, you have added to the luster of our race.
That's not, it's so rough. That, okay, Australia, reel it in.
But a large crowd did gather for Frank in Brisbane, and an even bigger one in Sydney, and then a huge one in a Melbourne.
Hundreds of people swarmed the car, men threw their hats in the air, cars blared their horns, and then cops yelled at Frank that he was blocking traffic and to move it.
You fucking pricks.
Yeah.
Okay. Yeah. Okay.
Yeah.
He and Percy were received by the premier and his wife
and newspapers called him a great hero.
This was Malcolm Ellis' worst nightmare.
He was a bitter invalid in his home.
So he wrote a book about his journey
and he painted Frank as rough and
simple and he made a fake quotes that he said Frank said and he said Frank
failed because he took a ship across the Mediterranean. Well, well, yeah but what
was he meant? It's still land. It's you know. We established. Yeah.
We established.
I forgot that.
And I got confused and you gave it right back to me.
I gave you the business.
Yeah, now I'm giving it to you.
Yeah.
Here we go.
It's wet land.
Yeah.
Thank you.
That's true.
That's true too.
Mm.
So critics.
Still thinking about Dr. Congo a little bit, I'm not gonna lie.
Really?
Because I'm thinking about the weird devil thing in Rangoon.
Like I feel like we've released the Rangoon devil.
I believe they're one and the same as I said earlier.
Critics savaged the book.
A year later, the Great Depression hit hit Frank was 50 and he was broke
So he went to look for gold. Oh, yeah, this mother fucker
He was on his gold out there. We forgot there was even gold. We've got he was looking for gold
I'm looking for land. That's right, you know what?
I was looking for gold, wasn't I?
I just gotta save this some gold.
Oh, no.
Well, he returned saying he had found it.
Yes.
The Ardham Land Gold Development Company was then formed
and Frank toured to publicize the mine for investors
and then he returned to the bush.
And he was out there and he said he caught berry-berry.
He caught what? Berry-berry? Berry-berry? I don't know what it is.
Berry-berry? B-E-R-I. Berry-berry.
Berry-berry pepper? Is it an ice cream?
It's the dude from... It's when you get raspberries.
You get raspberries? And blueberries?
Berry. Berry? Berry. Berry.
Does anyone know what's half of it? You get raspberries? And blueberries? Berry. Berry? Berry.
Berry.
Does anyone know what's happening?
Berry?
What did you catch?
Berry berry.
Berry berry.
It's where you make blueberries.
What?
What?
What's happening?
They come out.
Berry berry.
Berry berry is what you make blueberry out of.
Very?
Are we saying berry berry or very berry?
Yes.
So did you call that very berry?
Are you talking about Bolly belly?
I'm saying very very or very very yes, so did you put up very very?
Are you talking about Bolly belly? I'm saying it
I'm saying it twice very very very very very very very very
Yeah, don't what did you think that helped you just said Barry really? She's really mad. We're saying it twice
If we say it a third time does that guy from Rangoon show up?
Barry, Barry, Barry.
This is a disease he caught?
Yeah.
Okay.
So he's sick.
Never heard of it.
No.
Well.
Jason, where did you come from?
I object.
Jesus.
You scared the shit out of me.
He's been there the whole time.
And he's a good guy. I object
And that is where he said he was sick and laying there when his brother-in-law flew over and dropped a note
Bullshit
Then my brother-in-law was in the coolest plane ever. Come on.
Of his wife?
His wife's... Was it his wife's brother? Or is this like...
Yeah, but who's the brother-in-law? Where is his...
His sister's husband.
That makes way more sense.
Are you still married to her?
Probably I'll never get to him.
What was her name?
Do you know anything about her?
And the note said the mine had found gold and struck it rich.
Oh.
So now Frank is a wealthy man.
Okay.
But he's dying of beriberi in the middle of nowhere.
Oh, not I. Frank is a wealthy man. But he's dying of beriberi in the middle of nowhere.
But two years later, a full inquiry was held because his company's stock, quote, constituted
one of the biggest scandals in the history of gold mining in Australia.
It was worthless.
Investors had seen bogus gold samples and the company didn't even have a lease on the
land.
Was that an issue?
Yeah, Frank had teamed up with two con men,
but he had already sold his shares and was set for life.
Nice, kind of okay with it, to be honest with you.
So is that one person.
Yeah.
At 54, he married.
They bought a house in Koji.
Frank had a fleet of cars of course
He asked the government to fund a new expedition to survey a proposed new railway route as the minister said no good
finally
Frank's family thought his wife married him for his wealth and he slowly stopped talking to all of his family
Yeah, and they had a massive heart attack on July 1st, 1941 and died at 59.
It's a traditional Australian...
It's like a little...
It's very close to 69.
That is the only way to justify what he misheard.
Yeah.
Woo!
It's a 59 if you're not the same height.
Yeah.
That's all I can do!
I'll give my mouth on your vagina and you lick my belly button.
New 59!
Woo! Yeah, you just put your tongue in my beriberi. New 59. Gooooooo!
Just put your tongue in my berry, Barry.
Go after the bean.
I always do.
Nobody knows how many times Francis Bertels crossed Australia.
Some say 70, others say 88?
Yeah, okay quite an argument either way. Holy fuck. That's it. That's the story of Francis Bertels
Is uh that's the book that I basis on on, Francis Bertel's Australian Adventure by Warren Brown.
But you obviously know the better cover would have been.
Oh yeah.
Can you go?
No, but if you did that, how many people would be haunted?
Everyone.
Can you go back to that one for us?
Remember? Everyone, can you go back to that one for us?
Remember? Ah!
Pshh!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
His hands hurt!
Oh!
You never would have noticed.
Ha ha ha ha!
It looks a...
Ha ha ha!
From what I can see, he's doing this, he's like...
Ha ha ha!
Yeah!
I mean, it's really fucking crazy.
It's crazy.
I can't really decipher it.
And I think it's cool.
I do too.
I also think it's really interesting that he was wearing his big glove on the opposite hand to the one that's been hurt by the demon.
Stop it!
How were you?
So his big one was on this side, right?
Yeah.
But he's like wearing the glove.
Have I solved this murder?
I don't know.
I feel like...
What happened to the dogs?
Answer the question.
They all went to heaven.
Wow.
That's nice.
Yeah.
I'm satisfied.
Yeah.
Awesome.
Wow.
Well, that is satisfied. Yeah. Awesome. Wow.
Well, that is so fucking crazy.
I remember a time when you were like, you're going to run out of stories for Australia,
like five years ago.
Yeah, I thought I was.
And then this keeps happening where you talk about a guy who basically just carried a car
across the world. And met that.
And met that guy.
But also, just like
Australia has a long history
of just like some like
adventurer just like decides to go
somewhere and we're like, oh yeah.
Yeah. Like there's this guy called
Albie Mangles who like
was a modern day version and then
there's like the crocodile hunter. It's all like the same lineage this will be everyone's really
this will be Bob Irwin in 20 years. We're gonna hear from that guy's family like hey honestly, lay off, that was fucked up.
You gotta hear from that guy's family. We're here.
Seven days.
To take advantage of the Dunlop sale.
The rest of my life is final destination with this. Yeah. Ah! Finesse!
Dunlop Tires, free your soul!
How's the new marketing coming, Frank?
Free your soul, take a life!
I mean, it's a pretty catchy jingle.
I like it. Let's take an early lunch. Free your soul, take a life. I mean, it's a pretty catchy jingle. I like it, let's take an early lunch.
Free your soul, take a life.
Dunlop, eat the heart.
Dunlop, eat the heart.
Is that teleprompter right?
I feel like we're a little, fucking eat the heart.
Dunlop tires.
What?
Oh fuck. All right, let's get the fuck out of here. Give it up for Ben and Will, our guests, everybody.
Thank you so much.
Lance Anthony, everybody.
Let me hear it for him.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.