The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 65 - The Past Times with Dave Hill

Episode Date: March 8, 2024

Dave Anthony picks a newspaper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds. This week they are rejoined by Dave Hill, musician, comedian, and human.  Redbubble Merch

Alright everybody, welcome to the Past Times Podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. Another Dave. Dave Hill. Thank you for joining us Dave. Oh thanks for having me.

You're a treat a treasure now before we start Even though we've been talking so much off Just really chew in the fat like a couple weirdos You have a new book coming out called the awesome game How well what book number is that for you? This is my fourth book. The Awesome Game One Man's Incredible Globe-Crushing Hockey Odyssey. That's the full title. Who do you get compared to the most as an author? Hemingway. No, that's not true. I think he writes very differently than I do. Who do

I get compared to? Gosh, I don't know. Because when I read Tasteful Nudes, it was very sederacy to me. But you are a great multi-hyphenate. You also have a band, your fifth album with the Valley Lodge is coming out. Yeah, just Valley Lodge. No, no, no.

You're always good too. I like that. I think either works. And then if people want to go, you're performing all over. I like that. I think either works and then If people want to go you're performing all over and your website is Dave Hill online That's exactly right. My all my social medias at mr. Dave Hill at mr. Dave Hill Okay, so that's that's probably hard when people are just like trying to look you up like Google you Oh, because I was a common name

Um, I'm the preeminent Dave Hill. I ran into this recently. Really? I know another one. There's, oh, there's many others. I mean, it. But you are the most famous Dave Hill. At this point, probably. I mean.

What, did the guy die? No, but I mean, there's Dave Hill from Slade, who's, I love Slade, the English rock band. I love Slade Rock Band and their guitar players named Dave Hill, so he's really the only Dave Hill. You've got him beat. I mean I defer to him I have great respect for him so. Of course that doesn't mean you're disrespectful but you have beaten him. Well, in the Dave Hill race you won. In America but when in if you Google me in the UK. You're big in the UK. Don't do this. Consider a genius. I know but he comes up first over there because a friend of mine points it out and he said he's like oh I know how to fix it so

you'll come up first over there. Yeah. But I told him. We kill him. I told him. No I told him please don't do anything because I love Dave Hill from Slade so much. I don't want to overtake him. What I'm hearing is, is do kill him. That's what I'm hearing. I think that's what he's saying. Yeah, when you, if you can read between. For listeners, he wrote on a whiteboard, help get him. Yes. Well, Dave, you know how this podcast works. Sure. It's basically a pyramid scheme.

What's going to happen is we're going to go through a weird newspaper. I always like to guess the year that I think this paper will be from, and I encourage you to do the same. I'll go first as a gentleman. And I am going to guess that Dave Anthony is going to give you a paper from 1871. I think 1947. I think that's a pretty good guess too. Wow, those are two bad guesses.

It's 1909. So we have this thing where if you're 30 years off, we don't do the podcast. Yeah, And we both missed it. Thanks for stopping by. Okay, but you'll still. Dave Hill online and Valley Lodge. There's no thee. We'll get the plugs in. So people should check that out. Yeah, and the awesome game. We'll get the plugs in. All right, awesome. Awesome everybody. Bye. Thanks guys. This is nice to see you guys. Got your day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It is the Anaconda Standard out of Anaconda, Montana

on June 4, 1909. Oh, wow. Well, you know, my sister's birthday is June 4. OK. So there's that. Do you think you have an advantage in making jokes about this paper because of that? No.

Let's see. I mean, maybe. Maybe. You probably have some inside stuff. Anaconda time. All right so a snake paper. Yeah well Montana of course known for anacondas. Now I'm gonna push back. No. No they're not. No they're not. It's a jungle. It's a jungle area. I don't know. I'm gonna go just off of the ice cube Jennifer Lopez movie Yeah, yeah wait are you serious that was was in that too though Who yeah, I think Owen Wilson was in that movie as I think he was it was This is like the biggest snake I've ever seen

Well, it was weird cuz like if they were to make an anaconda base film today This is like the biggest snake I've ever seen. You like that? Well, it was weird because like if they were to make an Anaconda based film today, I feel like, and this is not a slight on Ice Cube, but I feel like he would be the only one that maybe would do that movie today. Yeah. Also, the worst, some of the worst writing, I don't mean to take shots at the whole film, I'm not, this is real,

but some of the worst writing I've ever heard, unless you think this is accurate, they were talking about what they missed when they finally got out of the, you know, in the state of sort of, de numal of the film, if I may. Generous. Yeah.

They, they were talking about all the things they were looking forward to getting back to and you know their regular lives and in I love when movie stars do that yeah and and in Ice Cube says like they're all like I can't wait to get pizza with my kid you know they're saying the all these things you're like oh that sounds nice and nice. And he says, LA traffic, like he's psyched to sit in traffic in LA. And I just thought, this seems like horrible writing.

The most, I don't know. Would anyone ever say they can't wait to get, you would, you look forward to LA traffic. Oh, I love it. I love sitting in traffic. I love it. It's the best thing ever. I guess if you compare it to an Anaconda stalking you, you know.

Yeah. Okay. Also, I think that some of the CGI in that movie, they could have spent 15 minutes longer. Just 15. I hope nobody who worked on Anaconda is listening to this episode because we're really... Well, no. They need to know. No, I hope they are.

I hope they are. And they think about it the next time they make a movie., I think people should use it. I just want to let them know if they're making a second or a third I'm very available. Well, they did they did they made a second. It was filmed in Montana and Anaconda, let's get back in. All right, go is filmed in a guy's apartment who had a condo in his apartment Okay, so page one Relatives object to wedding consult police to no avail Yep, so this is a family trying to stop a wedding. That's right. Okay in Efforts to forestall the marriage of an American girl to an Italian of there it is

There's the problem. There it is. He's Italian. I Would guess 1909 I think Italians are not considered white as I recall I don't think they're considered white yet and can we just take a minute to express how great that barometer is to be the They don't float. They don't. Whoa. They're capable. What? In Anaconda 1, I think they did. It did. Just Anaconda. I believe it's the De Numeau. Yeah, yeah. It's the De Numeau.

Dave, in your book, is it called the Dave Numeau? It is. Yes. Good. And then the. I would describe an Anaconda in a river as swimming, not floating. Well, I think you need honest to swim.

So let's keep going. I'm not gonna do this again. I think you have to be able to float to swim. You do? I think that's sort of the base, though swimming is floating. That's the starting point of it. Wrong, that's floating.

That's why we call it floating. Next! Okay, wow, all right. Wow. I should point out I'm in Germany. It's night and I'm tipsy. It became known today that the Washington and clergyman and the New York woman who last

Tuesday appealed to the State Department in the matter. Also consulted police. OK, so a clergyman and I guess one of their moms reached out to the cops. No the State Department State Department So they're trying to get they probably tried a bunch of different angles and now they're trying to they'll be like in my daughter Mary and I tell ya how long until we get back to a version of this in America? I'm going to set the over under at 15 years. Six months?

Wait, to where this could happen again? To where, yeah, you could potentially see an objection to a, I guess, a marriage between two people who society or part of society deems unacceptable. I would say December. Okay.

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Wow. So right after the election, very possible. We've got Italians coming and marrying our whites and Italians, I'm sorry, are not whites. Oh yeah, I mean, I'm being generous with this. I have zero faith in America. OK, OK. Yeah, me either.

Thank you. Welcome to the show. A hypothetical case was cited to the police and they were asked if such a case, they would take action and the police declined to offer the assistance desired. So they were like, okay, so. It's nice. If a young woman was marrying an Italian, would you arrest him?

Yeah, we don't love it, but it's technically legal. Yeah. I mean, that's 1901 progressive. Or 1907, I'm not fucking your institution. I would say, you know, and this is, I shouldn't say this, but I I'm saying were I of the mind To agree with these people these horrible people in this story, which I'm not Okay, mm-hmm, but I

Would say that you know, I probably wanted to be an Italian woman because then It's she might know. I'm just really kidding. That's in trouble. Yeah, yeah, it's not good. But just, you know. It's slowly wrapping you. In 1909, probably the Italian woman

would probably know how to cook all sorts of great food. We can't use this. You don't want to get that one. You don't want to. We can't. You can't use this. Dave, you want people to come see your stuff and buy your book? You can't be saying Italian women are good cook. I'm not. I'm saying in 1909. I cannot, hold on, I cannot believe that you

came on our podcast and you said Italian women are only good for cooking. I cannot believe it. And I did detect a bit of an affect in the voice, which I don't know. Hey, are they gonna cook a little bit of a beer? I'm saying in 1909. Well, look, we're posting it either way. We don't edit these at all, so we'll let the people who are watching feel like it. I'm already texting my damaged PR. May I suggest lean in for this episode? Go full Corolla.

You've already started, so. No, I haven't. Let's hear some more of these. I was getting in the mindset of these horrible people. I wasn't, oh boy. So is Corolla. There's a really big audience out there on the right. There's a lot of guys who are doing it now,

the Jimmy Dores, the rapist from England everyone knows I'm the is the rapist from England that's what's his face what's what's long hair black hair oh yeah Russell Russell yeah yeah yeah yeah um I don't keep I'm you know I'm the I'm I'm I'm as left as they come They call him brand I should say in the green. I should say alleged rapist from England because Yeah, doing a lot of avoid stuff lately. Well, okay. Dave a good damage PR firm. I yeah, you guys yeah, the day So you guys could work together That's right

According to the hypothetical case cited, it is understood the foreigner, that's always good when they say the foreigner, the foreigner has been paying court to the American girl for some time. Mm-hmm, yeah. Trying to bank. I was, nothing, being this a Montana newspaper, this could easily be a 2023 news story.

Yeah, I agree. Yeah, probably. While he is personally objectionable to her family, nothing could be produced that would warrant the police in asking for his detention by the police of England, where the Italian is supposed to be sojourning. Okay, so he's in Italy. He's in, sorry, he's an Italian in England.

The family wants him arrested in England because he's been courting their daughter who lives in America. Oh, he's L Italian in England. The family wants him arrested in England because he's been courting their daughter who lives in America. Oh, he's LDR courting. He's doing an LDR. He must have started courting here and then went on a vacay. You know, Italians are so good at courting they can do it over an ocean when we didn't

have fun. How dare you say that? Plus, I also... That's not with you. Let's go. Don't say Gabba goo No, but why are they worried obviously this guy he went on vacation by himself to England He's obviously well, where's his penis? He's bringing the hammer down over there. He's probably wearing anaconda skin pants

It developed that the young woman in the case is a sister of Miss Francis Garwood of New York and Washington who was accompanied to the State Department by Reverend John Quinn Can I just point out I call my penis Garwood? Go ahead. No, okay. No. All right. I just wanted that. That's that's the end of the story That's the whole story great lead story in a couple ways. It's interesting. I just I guess back then it would have been very there was probably a divide. Some people are like Italians are

married not women like Dave Hill types. Yeah Dave Hill types of 19. The Dave Hill sect of Montana. What an Italian marriage your child you at least expect to get some good coconut of it Yeah, yeah, that's all I can't strike. I'm just saying You know on the Italian bachelor, they don't hand out roses. They just throw pieces of cooked spaghetti at the women You're now you're gonna get in big trouble.

I'm fucking ready to roll. I'll move to an island. This is like, you're gonna get, uh, whoa. Yeah, I think I'm gonna get canceled so hard I'm gonna get picked up again. Yeah, yeah, so you go so so low that you're back on top again.

Full. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Girl discharged to return to Montana. Wow. Kitty Conway arrested at Livingston, declared guiltless, and will be married. Wait, we're done with the first story already? Yeah, that was it.

Yeah. Oh my gosh. That was it. The story. But wait, this feels, I'm not saying it's continuous, but it feels in the same zone as the first story. It does feel like it was an aspect of that. So they're like, we're going with a lot of marriage scandal.

Yeah. They're trying to find their voice at the end of the story. Well, you gotta sell some papers, pal. You do, absolutely, yeah. I would, you know what, if I was there every week, the first headline would be, big snake! And then I'd do the story. What are we?

Let's see, this story's out of Chicago. This is in quotes. All men are worthless. This headline holds up. Yeah, story is old as time. Yeah, story is old as time. Except for present company excluded excluded the three of us thank you and Extended to our guests as well. Thank you Just to let you know after you said that my anaconda is standing at attention This is, uh... Gentlemen, what?

Dave Hill Better Dave for the rest of the year. This assertion was made by Judge McEwen in the criminal court today in the trial of Kitty Conway, Alias Kitty Lane, charged with receiving stolen property, alleged to have been the result of 12 burglaries. So they're asserting that all men are worthless in her court case of burglaries. That's correct. It's pretty interesting. The lawyer's like, we got an angle. This is good. So maybe you can only rob men because they're not

considered humans. Maybe. OK. But if I'm the defense attorney, I'm like, we got the defense attorney I'm like we got the right judge yeah right for sure yes and her Conway a brother of the defendant pleaded guilty to the crimes several weeks ago was sentenced to the house of correction okay so her brother her brother did the crimes yeah oh and

he gave something to her sister. Yeah, I think he probably gave her the property, right? The stolen property. Miss Conway was arrested in Livingston, Montana, where she had gone to be married to Charles Rogers. The romance was revealed in the trial today. Miss Conway was acquitted, her attorney establishing the fact that the girl did not know the property was stolen.

I'm not buying that. Much like her brother was it. That's what I always, that's always my defense. I do that at the electronic check out all the time. I'm like, I thought you could take the salads! I didn't know! I think I didn't know is gonna get me way further in life. I've never successfully used an electronic checkout

Have you ever stolen from the electronic checkout? No, I I've never I don't think I honestly I don't think I've ever stolen anything in my life except for I stole a pack of gum when I was like five at the move move We have swat there really you you there. Really? You are a very, for people who don't know you, you are a sweet, gentle soul. So that does not surprise me, but also it is shocking. It's disturbing. I'll tell you, if I may tell you just to back up,

which is thank you, by the way. But when I was five, at the checkout, you know, where they have the impulse buy items. back up which is thank you by the way but when I was five I at the checkout you know where they have the impulse buy items. The impulse steals as you call them. I stole some gum my mother when we got home realized I had stolen it and she took me back to the store and made me talk to the manager and tell him what I done five years ago. Did you steal anything else when you were doing the confession?

Yeah. Once you get in that back office. I had to give her those tic tacs. We're going back. But it was the perfect time to take some lottery stretch off. That's right. I was behind the counter. It was just, yeah, I learned my lesson.

Well, I recommend if you're, I don't know if you're drinking or doing drugs still, because you like a lot of those. I would recommend. I recommend if you're I don't know if you're drinking or doing drugs still because you like a Lot of those I would recommend that stuff you want to high Take a couple oranges from the electronic checkout or something just feel the rush I think I think I had the anaconda No, I couldn't I couldn't do it when I was a teenager not to just tell you more stories But when I was a teenager my friends and I all went to beef corral and Somehow the checkout I think the checkout the cashier was like just go go and we got our food for free

And I was waiting around the pay and I was sort of like why aren't we paying for this food and we finally left and I couldn't eat it because I felt like not right about it You officially could not have hung out with my friends and I no I know we would have eaten you And I couldn't eat it because I felt like not right about it. You officially could not have hung out with my friends and I. No, I'm not. We would have eaten you. What's happening right now? But fast forward, and I'll tell you a story about rough and tough

from the streets, Dave Hill. Fast forward just a few years in high school, we would drive through. You'd go through one car waits like somewhere else in the parking lot, me and my buddy Tim drive through, we order a bunch of food and we pull around, when we pull up to pick it up from the pickup window, we, so we've already paid for it. So it's really, this is a half-priced crime. Yeah. You pull, we put pull out really far So there's as much space possible between the window. Yeah in the car and then a third guy is Waiting at the end of the building runs through and grabs. Oh

That is a while that is a To not pinch from the electronic checkout, but to pull running back to fast Is I don't know, your standards are... No, it's flawed, deeply flawed. Did you guys call that the Italian Dash? When I was in high school, they actually changed, they created a security code for me, because I stole so much liquor from this one.

No, we should have called. All right, wow. Yeah, when I would walk in the store, they'd be like, Code 48. Worst Dave. And so that would mean someone would have to walk over the lick department to watch me I've definitely had stores lock things As I would say in the last 15 years No, I'm not answering any more questions in the last 15 years Worst Dave Questions in this store like where they like it CVS where they lock yes You know how they're all the stores are locked up in San Francisco and all these places now they're locked

That's because of Gareth. Yeah Sad it's yeah, cuz yeah, everything's locked up cuz people. Yeah Bad people. Yeah, it's cuz they, no, they say it's bad people, but in truth, it's because they just don't want to hire workers. That's what's going on. They don't want to hire workers and everyone's like, I need Clariton. Yeah, and they're like,

what if there's one person in the store that's to walk around and lock things? Well, you can't get abortions anymore. I need condoms and I can't afford them. I mean, what the fuck do you expect me to do? Oh, yeah, that got dark. Um, okay. So Kitty Conway had a bunch of stolen property. Her brother pleaded guilty to stealing it, and now she's on trial.

Miss Conway was acquitted, her attorney establishing the fact that the girl did not have the property was stolen. On the witness stand, Miss Conway testified that she had taken the goods consisting of four diamond bracelets and expensive clothing to Montana as part of her wedding. Tresso. Uh, Tresso. They used the word Tresso in a paper. And yeah, in 1909.

Well, they they used to use it in all papers back then. They used to so. Yeah, I don't know why when that changed but uh... the police broke up your wedding didn't they asked to judge mcqueen yes sir replied the girl a few minutes later she began to cry there little girls of the magistrate don't cry i leave the court all men are worthless anyhow perhaps you can get another

Yes, judge, but in a woman's life. There is only one man said miss Conway. I Believe this girl has suffered more than if she had been sent to the penitentiary I hope you will find your sweetheart and always live happily together said judge McEwen Thank you, judge. you imagine being the prosecutor you guys are you guys hanging up? the fuck? this is crazy! you know I am actually single yes I'm not all robes and gavels my love thank you judge he's waiting for me out in Montana we will be married next week, said Miss Conway. It's a happy story.

It's a weird story. It's a nice judge. It's a nice judge. So it all worked out in that case. Love, Judge. I mean, not great, you know, but that's also the time, right? Like, what's not great? Just his attitude towards, uh...

Yeah, he's a but again I mean I just view it as like look if I'm not going to getting in trouble and I get to keep the things great he's hitting on her right I mean he's hitting on her right here he's either like he's either like women I love women that women get hurt and or he's just like yeah well listen you listen, you like a dowry, eh? Well, you know who's, I'm a judge. Would you like to come into my chamber and look at my chamber?

No. When then he looks into no camera and goes, we'll be right back. Do you remember that story about from a few years ago where there was the judge who got caught using a penis pump on the bench? Yeah, like yeah, they found it. They're like, what are you using? So basically the smallest dick's judge ever

He was sitting behind, he was apparently so bored with hearing cases that he brought a penis pump and would sit behind And someone finally was like what's what's going on huh under the root google this huh no no keep going let's talk about the evidence letters someone saw him it was like he seems to be what's going on and the penis pump is to make the penis bigger I'm pretending or to ejaculate I think I have no experience with such a thing. I believe it's. I think it's both. Oh wow, what a twofer.

Well now I'm listening. Yeah. I used to, I wanted to take one of those but they started locking stuff up at the place I go by point. I have sticky fingers the old fashioned way, go ahead. Here you go, a penis pump is used to draw blood into the penis to create an Erection oh, so it's just to get hard Yeah, yeah, but then I think you can boy. I'm harder than this case is to prosecute Boy oh

And we're you know what else works? Judge is a mouth. Oh Christ. Oh boy. Your honor. Your honor, may I approach the bench? Dave, is that a gaming chair you're sitting in? Yes it is.

I love it. Dave games hard. I play in Halo while we do this. The only video game you could think it was from one from 2002. It's alright Yeah, they have four after that French professor resent statement Dr. Jordan president of Stanford called to account by instructor This is out of anmar, Pennsylvania.

Sure. Resenting a statement made by President David Jordan Star of Leland Stanford University in his address at the commencement exercises of Brynmar College today. Professor Lucien Fowler, in instructor in French literature, arose from his seat on the platform and exclaimed,

it is not so! And left the building. That was such a terrible sentence. Like, you don't, I mean, that's the thing is they want to put, they want to set the scene by being like, hey, it's from Stanford. He's the president. This other guy is in another college. He's saying a thing to a guy.

Like, so this guy's giving a commencement speech and a dude stands up and yells, it is not so, basically, and then leaves. That would be the 1909 equivalent of bullshit, right? Yeah. Yes. Bulls. Yeah. I like, I like, let's bring it in.

It is not, that's like, I was talking about this the other day. I like I like let's bring it is not that's like I'm Talking about this the other day. I went to the opera not to brag Like last year things are going pretty well. Trust me. I got free. I got free tickets Okay, I was gonna say because it's not a brag. It's not a brag But I hear you say I went to the opera and I think well that that was a sad couple hours No, I It was good. Oh, I wouldn't I don't think I'd enjoy sad couple hours. No, I, It was good? Oh, I like it. I don't think I'd enjoy it.

Oh, no. I don't like musicals and I just considered a different kind of musical. No, no. If you don't like musicals, you gotta hear it in an only Italian. Oh! Oh!

Adding a layer of confusion. No! It's still it's delightful um, but at some after an An aria this guy stood up and he said you madam have no technique and Stormed out of the met. This is my god. The met. Yeah Holy shit, and I didn't think they did that that oh it was nuts Like I thought there was gonna be a shooting or something and then this guy Apparently they caught him in the lobby and then because you know he's

Someone who says something like that is saying it is like it is not so like some it's like Like that you like their their words are already heckle. Yeah, yeah. In both cases, I think. And so they got this guy and were like, you're banned from the Met for life, which you know broke him. Oh yeah, that actually makes sense. You don't get to, if you don't like a performance you can leave, you don't get to stand up and say, you have no technique, madam! And storm out. First of all, up and say you have no technique madam and storm out first of all You should show you have technique and also that's gonna be very easy for him to skirt He's just gonna be like Stacy by the tickets. I'll be your one

Where a little goatee will be like the saint the next room You do realize that any venue if you break that rule and you go back in the punishment is execution This is true. This is true It is not so That's cold it is not so yeah, Garrett that's it. No, I don't I guess people can't see this bit That's the largest water bottle. I don't know if it's a that's really scale bigger than my head. It's pretty yeah It is it's very large

Gareth drinks a lot a lot of water. He's he he heard Oprah's speech about water and he took it to heart. I said it is so Well people say we're 70% water I'm going for 90 go ahead Dave not great President Jordan's commencement subject was war and mankind. He said, Spain, Italy, and France show the effects of their blood-stained battlefields. France, by her own confession, is a weak and decadent nation. Dr. Jordan's statement was made with emphasis and he paused a moment to give it added force. The next instant, Professor Foulet,

if you can imagine, Foulet, appeared at the front of the stage, his face scarlet. Red. He's mad. Scarlet. Scarlet. He says, as they said back in the day, he'd gone tomato. Yes. Turning squarely in front of the speaker, the professor raised his hand ominously and screamed, it is not so. France is not decadent. Wait, so there I disagree

with. I thought he's complaining about the way he's hurt, but decadent. I mean, that's why you go there. You parts of France are quite dec good at it. I mean just the cheese plates alone Have you gone different red cheese plates versus like yes? I mean I love it like they give you like a month's worth of cheese for like What like in America you would get a tiny little pieces? Well, you probably get a better deal because they probably think you're the guitarist from Slade Giving you the a game. No, but it's true. But wait, so this guy's argument is that because of war, these places are not decadent?

Oh, that's a good point. Well, he says they show the effects of being bloodstained, and he says, France, by your own confession, is a weakened a good nation now he hadn't not continued on his point so we don't probably know exactly what he was going to get to but yeah yeah okay and you know we're coming off uh... the french revolution and stuff was your fairly recent in the past

uh... and then they did just have a war yes so fule's like we talking about bro how do you say bloodstained and decadent in the same paragraph? But there was a mode of suspense and then a murmur of various expressions. Professor Phulea bowed. I don't know, is it decadent?

Is it, ooh. I never thought someone would say something like that. Oh, the debate has begun. I'm going to faint. I'm Professor Philly Bowd, low to President Jordan and then walked down the steps of the stage with great dignity and out of the building. What a weird, what an amazing, what an amazing way to do this.

Amazing. To say that, bow and then be like, mwah, Mike's. Yeah, it is pretty strong. But I do disagree, again, like for Graw, like, I like, mwah. Yeah, it is pretty strong. But I do disagree. Again, like, foie gras, like, I mean, come on. You're stuck on the decadent. I'll tell you, foie gras is my favorite food to eat

that it made another being drown in food. It's my top. Yeah, if you're gonna go, I mean, there's basically that. If you're gonna do it. Yes, that's and Sure, it's tough for the duck or whatever it is, but it's still it's so young. Oh, yeah, forget it Forget it. It's like if I were to drink Dave's dad's liver What just Wait, which state which state Dave your dad or my dad my dad worst Dave worst Dave Oh, yeah, my dad. You're a C your dad or my dad? My dad.

Worst Dave. Worst Dave. Oh yeah. My dad's on the train. My dad's on the train. Do you ever see Dune? Not to wreck. Do you ever see Dune? Yeah, yeah.

The hit movie Dune? I don't think I've ever seen it. Don't bother. Oh, okay. That wouldn't make sense. But the way that they use spice on Dune is the way my father used Canadian mist to the alcohol. Oh, wow. Okay. Well, I'm gonna watch that and have a big laugh but a concern of pause of like, oh, that looks too rough. I shouldn't joke about it. Dr. Jordan was surprised as was the the audience, and was much embarrassed.

After the Frenchman had left the building, he made a motion as if to restore order, and then said, if there are no more interruptions, I will continue. There was silence, and the professor concluded his address. The incident had the effect of throwing a damper upon all the exercises. Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Oh, yeah. I would have, yeah. He's not coming back from that. No, that's over, we all know that.

When you've had a moment on stage where you've officially lost the audience and you're like, I have another 10 minutes, but. Mm. Well, if a Frenchman is bowed and excused himself, you can't get him out from that. Yes, yes. It is not so.

Humber before your very knee. I was like, I'll be in the lobby selling. Yeah, I would be in the lobby. I'm gonna be at the merch booth. I'm selling it is not so merch. I have shirts, I have hats, I have braids. What do you want? Let's see.

Ten lepers declared cured. May return to civilization. Oh my God, awful. What every part of that stuff. This is at a hot, this is at a Honolulu. Oh God. After some of them had spent 20 years of their lives in the leper settlement on the island of Molokai. 10, Molokai's a nice island. I think that's where Eddie Vedder has a big spread.

10 of 11 supposed lepers who were returning here at the instance of the territorial executive committee for re-examination have been found free of the disease. Guys, I don't know why we had you there. You're fine. You were fine. Ten of eleven. There's one who's like, we're going back to the main. They're like, ah Chad, you're still leprechaun. Bad news, bad news Jeff! You know how? It's just him at the colony alone while the others are like,

Man, it's so good we're surfing. We got beads in our hair. We're eating fish tacos and he's like, Hello? In a pile of arms. Of these two are boys. Of these two are boys. How do you survive all that time with leprechaun? These two are, of these two are boys. And a bunch of arms.

How do you survive all that time with leprosy? I don't know. It's a slow, it's a very slow disease. It's very slow, I believe it's very, very slow. It was still going on in 1909? I think it was, went on for a little while. Is it going on now? What is it?

Yeah, they're still, they're still. You'll be back. Everything will be back. Everything, yeah. No, it's, yeah, I don't, we don't have it in America, they're still there's still be back everything will be back everything. Yeah, no It's yeah, I don't we had don't have it in America, but I'm pretty sure they have a lot of leprosy in like India what is it like your skin falls off? It's good It's negative. It's very it's not good. I mean you have a colony so that tells you right now Well, that part is not that part is fun that part is fun. It's like a. I mean you have a colony so that tells you right well that part is not that part is fun

That part is fun. It's like a mark Burnett show leopard Okay, leprosy currently affects approximately a quarter million people throughout the world majority of those cases being reported in India Dave you really know your shit. What are the this but it's a very uh parts of you die I know your shit, what are the, but it's a very, parts of you die. Yeah, it's like, yeah, I don't know about die, but they get like, they get like super fucked up. As my mother would say, a bit twingey.

And it's, it's, it's contagious. Yes, it's contagious. It's a bacterial infection. No, no thanks. Yeah, no. It can leave. It's a bacterial infection. No, no, thanks. Yeah, no, I'm passing. Yeah, so it does respiratory skin, eyes, nerve damage. So it's so not great. It's not something you want.

No, it's not something you want. By the way, my advice, put a little cortisone on it. Should be all right. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The whole course just don't get the jab. You don't want to get the leprosy jab. I bet these people got it. That's why they probably got Pfizer. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The whole chorus. Just don't get the jab. You don't want to get the leprosy jab. I bet these people got it. That's why.

They probably got Pfizer. Yeah. They got it. They got leprosy from the jab. Why do we not have it then? Like, we must? Are we not? Do you want it?

Yeah, you seem like you're trying to receive it. I would like the opportunity. I would like the opportunity. Like a quailude. Like, anyone got a leprosy? Hey, man, I'm looking for a little bad leprosy. Y'all got leprosy? Oh man.

I mean, we used to have it. We had leprosy colonies in America. Long time ago. But I think leprosy in Florida, here's this, should we be worried? I don't know if I should read this right now. Oh, this is like a current thing. 180 cases are diagnosed annually in America. It's somehow not enough for my case. Dave, I can't wait for you to be the face of leprosy.

We're trying to get it back. I mean, in my own way, I have been for a while now. Wow. You're an interesting guy. Like I said, multi hyphenate. Yeah, complex figure. Yeah. It's true. Oh, it is it. It is increasing in Florida. Nice. But it's so there's so it's so few people that it's not like a threat. Yeah. Yeah. What all E-Bor city. Yeah. What's that? It's all E-Bor city. Oh, sure.

It's like Tampa's Tampa. So 10 of 11 are returning. Of these two are boys of six and seven years, but the others vary in age from 27 to 79, and some of them spent many years in the settlement. A pathetic feature of the re-examination is the probability that some of them spent many years in the settlement. A pathetic feature of the reexamination is the probability that some of the older patients will petition to be returned to the island

as they've been shut off from the world and their friends so long that they have no place else to go. They're like that guy in Shawshank Redemption. Yeah, exactly. Who doesn't wanna leave. Yeah. Crooks or something like that. Like he doesn't he doesn't want to leave and he's getting out and but his life is the books and then he finally he finally

gets let out and then he just like can't take it he can't adjust he's he's not ready for regular to see. He misses the boys and sure he was inside the joint and sure there's a downside to it but it's his downside and he knew it and then he'd on last more than three days out in the real world not I want to be dark but spoiler he done hang out too much longer wink wink okay now I've had two movies ruined for me some of these no I've seen Shawshank Redemption. Hey Dave, the Titanic sinks. Oh, god damn it, it's on the stage. Well, sort of.

I, in my mind, I always mix Shawshank, I sort of meld that, and what's the Hula Hoop movie that Tim Robbins did? This is my favorite question. That's weird. Weird question. There's like a hula hoop based movie. I don't think you're right. No, you're talking about Bob Roberts? I can't remember.

I don't think that's real. Is that real? Every part of me hopes it's not. Oh, HUDs Lucker proxy. Yes. You call that a hula hoop movie, OK. No, don't they? I can't. Yeah, I do sort of mix those movies into one movie.

He's got a hula hoop on the cover. Yeah. Yeah, that's where I got that from. OK. Because there was a hula hoop in the movie. They should combine those. Sure. I mean, what talk about a thrill ride?

Prison, hula hoops. I could combine those. Sure. I mean, what, talking about a thrill ride? Yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh. Prison, pull the hoops. What more do you want? It ends in a wedding. Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

A few of the patients were sent to the settlement before the bacterial, bacteriological test for leprosy was discovered and is believed that in some cases a natural cure has been affected. Okay, they never had leprosy. They never had leprosy. And they just trying to say like, yeah, no, it was the, I don't know, they got it went away. You have acne. Come back. Yeah. 19 of the other supposed lepers will be brought from the settlement for re-examination in a short time. Okay. Alright. Let's feel good story.

Yeah. I don't know. This worked out. No losers in this story that I'm hearing. Well... There's the one guy who's still there. Dave doesn't speak for the show. I think there's no losers in that one I mean it's a leper colony where one guy's still there everybody wins that's what I like about this one well he's I know but if I if they had if they stood a leper colony on Molokai I'd be like I have I have leprosy yeah you could do a lot worse I would love to just live on Molokai and not do anything else.

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely, absolutely. You're coughing, that's not one of the symptoms. What are you? No, no, no, no. Yet. Yeah, yeah. Confess to Bigamy to Bride then ended life.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, boy. This is a story out of San Francisco, overcome by remorse and unable to bear the reproach, reproaches of his bride of less than 12 hours to whom he had confessed that he had another wife living. William Graham ended his life today by swallowing crude, carboic acid. Oh, fuck. And then he drank carboic acid. Oh my god, what a way to go. That's like where you're like Yeah, you like go to the fire. You're like, do you have any poison? They're like, we're all out

You know, you know how this story you know how this story actually ends though It's not in here, but they you know, they take it to the morgue and then he winks at the mortician and the guys like get out Wow Get out of here. Get out of here. Skint. Get out of here. Wow. He was married to Miss Hanna Carroll last night and after the wedding festivities confessed to her, though withholding the name and whereabouts of his other wife, the bride up braided him and he rushed from the house to be found several hours later

in a dying condition. Wait, what, did the other bride came to his wedding or no? I just miss her. No, he just after the wedding. Here's what I love about this. It's really classic. I don't want to say classic man, but it's definitely like the the fact that he he was like all that was probably the worst

day ever for him. Like he's like, I I gotta tell her I got it And then she's like oh my mother we'd let's do more pictures. He's like I need to sidebar with you Pretty soon well we will after the ceremony then he's walking around after the way going to each table and people like what a lovely Ceremony Bryce just a little he's like thank you so hey hey, I gotta talk to you in a minute hold on babe Why don't we split and we'll go talk to everyone and she's like putting cake on his nose like Smile for the camera and then he gets back to the room. He's like I'm already fucking married Just Christ, but how did

How did he get to that point in the first place like planning everything's picking out? Oh, come on man. It happens. That's picking out invitations. Oh, come on, man, it happens. That's never happened to you. Yeah, I guess it happens. You've been married to two women at the same time. You don't know about each other. Oh, many times, yeah. Many times, yeah.

No, he must have just been done with the first one, but didn't end it, and then he just was living a lie, and then he just went back to the wedding. Or he was just on like in San Francisco on business and then you know he meets this new lady and he's like I like this one too and then shit happens also I mean I'm married I have a road wife wait what I have a road wife wait what's happening wait what I a road, I have a, I have married on the road, but that doesn't mean I married at home. I have a road.

Like when you, what do you mean she's driving? When I tour, I have Sheila, and when I'm home, I ignore her. I thought you meant you only had a wife when you got in your car and were driving around. That's what I thought. That could work too. That could work too. Oh, God, it got me. That's why I walk everywhere.

This is very confusing. But you don't walk on the road. Let's just keep going. Wait, so do you feel it? So shield, that mean you tell people? Oh, gosh, I don't know what to say. You don't want to peel this on you. Yeah, you don't want to peel this on. Yeah, you don't want to peel it.

It's got a rotten core. Oh, man. It ain't easy. Well, anyway, he killed himself. Well, cool. Good summation. Thanks for that point. I mean, that's one way out of it. I think he overreacted.

I think that's a really safe statement, Dave. I think you're being, I think that's wise. That is true. I think he had communication issues Yeah with himself Yes, and others and others and to women to wives. Sure. Yeah Here's a terrible racist one Headline is half-breed charged with shooting man from train. Oh

Ouch Half-breed charged with shooting man from train. Oh, ouch. This is at Fort Benton? Where is that Fort Benton? I don't know. Dave should know, he travels a lot. He actually works. Fort Benton, don't tell me it's somewhere. People are screaming at the podcast right now. Not everybody, as most people think I have no idea.

It is in Montana. Well, yeah, we should have guessed. This is the first story from Montana. No, not necessarily. We had that. Oh, I guess the lady one who, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she came back with her dowry or whatever. Oh, just so.

County attorney Towner has filed information in the district court, charging Nelson Grand Champ with assault. Go ahead. Come on. If we're talking about winning the episode with a name, we've got it. Right? Like he comes into my court and I'm like,

Grand Champ? Innocent! Yeah. Yeah, right? That guy should always wear like a gold belt. We like walking around with a trophy. That's grand champ. What did he win?

The name. Amazing. OK, the defendant is the Indian half breed who fired. OK, so you can say, yeah, we can say that's a super crazy racist. Who fired several shots from a moving great northern train some days ago, resulting in the injury of Charles Barrett at Guilford Station. So he shot from a moving train.

Did he want to kill him? If he did, it's awesome. It's a train by. It is a train by. It's a train by. He did a train by. It is understood that Barrett is in a fair way to recover from his wound.

Do we know if he was trying to kill Barrett? My question is, was there a locomotive? Apologize. Sorry. Sorry. Apologize. Dave, I'm sorry. I apologize. Dave, I'm sorry that you have to come on a podcast that has a decent reputation and

then be subjected to whatever that is. Do they know he was for sure that he for sure was there? Was he like waving on the train doing an alibi? I don't know if this is a gift or a disorder that you have, but I thought it was a good not good. I'll tell you. Not good. Informations were also filed charging Alta Jackson with assault in the second degree. Okay, second degree, great. William Weaver with gambling, James McCoy with gambling, these are just other things

that have nothing to do with the train. We're in a train story, what are you doing, writer? Yeah. William McClosey has been appointed city marshal, succeeding Coesworth, who has been in position for a number. That's it? There's no more to the guy shooting a guy on a train. It's pretty good Fuck by the way when you walk around society being called a half breed

I think it does maybe you know create some resentment inside of you you get to shoot random people Why are they calling he shot him and they're only calling it an assault? Yeah, it's second to three. Yeah, I think it must be that he didn't... Well, I don't know. I don't know why it's that, but he probably didn't Mean to kill that man or hit that man. So they're just calling it. Okay. Yeah, this may be like pre Yeah, well, you couldn't call it manslaughter, but like that version of like I didn't I was just shooting off the train You know would be manslaughter, wouldn't that version of like I didn't, I was just shooting off the train. You know, it wouldn't be manslaughter, wouldn't it? Yeah.

It wouldn't be murder. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's like that version of that, but for not killing the guy. Yeah, right, right, yeah. Attempted manslaughter? I don't know. Sam Raabow, Peter and Luis Marovitch were arrested last night by night chief O'Brien for engaging in a fight with knives. Wow. Night chief is just the cop and armor? It's the night guy, it's the night boss. Night boss. Oh, you're the night chief. Right.

All three men were carved up some, but none of them seriously. The fight occurred in the old Turkla Saloon on East Park Avenue. I bet this is one of those stories that makes a lot more sense if you live there. I mean... They were carved up by Night Chief. Wait, Night Chief, that's a name? Yeah. No, he's the night. No, it's a role.

But Night Chief is better than Grand Champ, though. I think even if it's a title. I mean, we just honestly need to take it out in the octagon. That's where I need to see grand champ and night chief. That is The I mean as wrestling Names I would watch that. I mean our band called night chief. Yes Of the grand champs opening up grand champion will open Night chief

Okay headline the day of the fat man. Great movie by the way. Okay, it's a fairly brother. Let me have men about me that are fat, sleek headed men and such as Sleepo Knights, Yandacasius, has a lean and hungry look. He thinks too much. Such men are dangerous. Julius Caesar's notion of fat men has always been the prevalent one that they are easy going, good nature, easily led, always prone to follow the line of least resistance.

Now comes Dr. Keyes, a Chicago physician with the discovery that the moderately fat man has other things being equal and decided advantage over his lean brother in the struggle for health, wealth, happiness, and power. I'm overwhelmed. Yeah. I tell ya. I love a lot and what I love is that Caesar loved to be I love that Caesar was a chubby chaser And then he loved to have fat man. I love that he just assumes if you're fat you're jolly

Which just Not true It's not there's not a hundred percent anything And then I like this guy fighting on behalf, going like, they're actually health benefits. Wealth benefits. Lifestyle upsides. In the plump man, the blood and cells are well organized. The chest is broad and the lungs are healthy.

The complexion good, the flesh firm, the figure consequently agreeable. I feel bad for the fat guy he stripped naked in his office while he's just like prodding pinching fingering him like no and look at your big old chest as your cells clump together like a good gang There we are. Look at your tall little size. Even your love handles a jolly boy, and he's like did I have my dollar? Look at that. Mmm a bit of a salty armpit, but I'll have another lick. Sir, are you, I'm gonna do to see that degree again. Nay nay, enough.

Let me out of this van. Stop it now. Get the powder on him. The muscular and athletic are of this type as Ajax, famous for his size and physical strength and beauty. Okay, the statues of the Apollo Belvedere and of the Farnous Hercules, this is getting really kind of crazy,

actoristics of this type while our own Roosevelt is a modern example of this healthy type of abundant life form. The strong, successful character with nerves of steel, powerful muscles, a perfect digestion, overcomes all obstacles and is not easily left behind in unrelenting race. Ajax, eat this hoagie.

Now we wait for the poo. Okay, you said you had the uh... you said an idea for a story. Yes, I like Fatman! I'm not writing Caesar! I want to write a story about the big boys! Alright Ajax, now eat this bowl of cherries. Sir, come on now. Lay down.

I'm gonna put my head on you like you're my polar bear friend. Oh, Ajax. Sometimes I wonder if the world even gets us. Wherefore the lean man should hasten to get fat. Perhaps. This is the best advice ever. Quickly, the pudge up. Well, honey, I gotta get fat. Perhaps. This is the best advice ever. Quickly, the Pudge Up. Well, honey, I gotta get fat.

Perhaps he has tried to do that very thing and failed. Perhaps he has a sharp appetite and he's freely of everything set before him and still doesn't grow fat. But let him not be discouraged. I can't get that. He has Dr. Key's assurance that he can achieve fatness just the same. All he has to do is to take subcutaneous injections of oil.

Fucking what? That's the solution? Not just like eat a bunch of pizza? What the fuck? This doctor is not a doctor. What is he just fucking pumping him full of canola? There you are, boy. You may not have known it before, but the fact is oil is about the

greatest boom to humanity under the sun. Where is he putting the oil? Not in the the blood just in what the buttocks? Straight yeah, but chugging. Yeah, but chugs Just put a slap of funnel in there Oils subcutaneously injected are the only substance used as food Which can enter the body and practice the same manner as through the complicated apparatus of digestion and be used for the production of heat, energy, force,

and life. Oh, there's some poor men going to this guy to get fat having fucking olive oil injected into them. Right, right? At the same time, it's something to think about. Hey, do you, uh, anyone have a doctor they can recommend? My guy. He used to be good, but it's sort of... It's not... it's just new stuff's kind of weird he's doing.

Hey doc, when I wake up in the morning, I'm not, uh... I'm not really symmetrical, you know what I mean? Yes, well you your way to skinny oils over on this side yeah well what we're doing is we're gonna oil up the left side and once that's perfectly oiled will start working the right no but when i i'm fine when i go to bed i mean it's mostly my legs all you're saying the oil yet

will just get up to you know i have a little food and the oil will balance out as the day goes. You're like if a man were a water bed. Well, okay, that's a good comparison, because I'm saying at night, talking drink, drink your gravy. At the end of the day, my legs are just full of the oil. They're swollen. Right. Yeah, they're transferring. You're like a sack of water. I okay. Come here. I don't want to be there. At least. I like that by means of this panacea, the doctor solemnly swears and affirms that he has. Wait, isn't a panacea that's a worthless cure? Isn't it? I think it's a cure all. Isn't it like... isn't he saying he's gonna eradicate your problem? I thought a panacea was like a false cure. Now I need to look this up. Now panacea is a solution or remedy for all

difficulties or diseases. So it's an all cure. It's an all cure But don't don't we use the word primarily as a cure that that never works No, I don't know. I don't think so Society of improper usage of panacea in this day and age. I feel like I, that it's mostly used to refer to a worthless cure all, but I could be, what do I know? Oh, I think you're confusing it with the word shit. That's the one. That's the one.

By means of this panacea, the doctor saw me swears and affirms that he has cured a large number of advanced cases of tuberculosis. Oil, in short short meets every indication for the cure of the disease, an absolute specific. And there's nothing on the surface, at least to indicate that Dr. Keys is a heavy stockholder of the standard oil company. No, shut up. Is that real?

That's what it says at the end. That's the last sentence. No, the last sentence is, and this guy's not bought by big oil So this guy is inflating men to inflate his stock portfolio This guy clearly this is clearly an ad that they are presenting as an article The doctor the doctor must have paid them to be like hey, can you my old things really taken off? Can you help a brother out? I get some more My oil thing is really ticking off. Can you help a brother out?

I get some more patience. It's really weird. Especially in a time when people are afraid of Italians to be injecting men with olive oils, it seems a bit precarious. Wow, I didn't know we were going back to racism. I like that you brought it around. That's bullshit on one level.

That means we officially have ended the year. You know what that was? That was a spicy mibon. Shut up Dave, worse Dave. Best Dave, Dave Hill. Thank you for joining us on thank you guys The biggest pot you're gonna see what we call a pastimes bump after this. Oh, I'm counting on it I mean, that's why I demanded the booking be exact a very very very aggressively You can be found at Dave Hill official no day online dot com though I like your one better actually

shit and the socials at your book and my awesome game yeah the awesome valley lodge fifth album when the album come out I'm glad you asked April 19th we have a we have it just released a single last week if you like music by middle-aged men forget it. And by the way if you've ever never walked around New York City with Dave Hill get ready it's like being with a beetle everywhere you go Dave Dave would like I'd go to like a bar or something like that and he would just be like and he would just be like talking about someone he'd be like, do you know dick kevitt? I'd be like no. Oh Yeah, no shit what he just has access to the bench people

Better wild but uh, but you're a fantastic man, so people should follow you and uh, right back at you And and you're the best Dave on this show today. That's for sure. Now you're no more. That's it. It's over. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.