The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 75 - Arthur Phillip and New South Wales (live)

Episode Date: April 19, 2015

Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine Arthur Phillip and the beginning of the colony of New South Wales, Australia SOURCES Main - Girt: The Unauthorized History of Australia - by David Hunt TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCHPATREON

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca-host. Hello you're listening to The Dollop. This is an American History podcast. Each week I read a story to my friend Gareth Reynolds

who has no idea what the topic is about. So this is an Australian podcast because we're in Australia and I decided to do an Australian History podcast while we're down here. If we ever go to a country we will do the history of that country while we were there. Our guest was is on this episode he's not dead. Luke McGregor who I have known for about three years and I think is a very very very funny comedian. So he's our guest. We had a little bit of technical difficulty. Yeah it had to start a little late and so the tech guy was very helpful in like getting everything together so there's it comes

in maybe at a little bit of a weird point but. Yeah it starts it starts after we're all on stage basically. So that's what you're getting. You're not missing anything. No I mean on the contrary buckle the fuck up. I would buckle the fuck up. Not Gary Gareth. Stay okay. Someone or something is tickling. Is it for fun. And this is not going to become a tickly quad guy. Okay. You are Queen Fakie of made-up town. All hail Queen Shit of Liesville. A bunch of religious virgins go to mingle and do my thing. Hi Gary. No. Has he done my friend. No. No. But this is going to be Australian history and what I decided to do because I was going

through a lot of Australian history I decided let's just give Gary a. Gareth. Gary. Gary. There it is. This is awkward. This is awkward because it is actually Gareth. It's a Welsh name. It is Garrison. Yes. Yep. That's that's tough to hear but yes. So I decided for this podcast we would just turn off all my nine phones. We we're just going to give Gary a little refresher. Oh hey. Hello. How are you? Thank you. You're terrific. Thank you. I like when people bring me drinks. Oh that's lovely. These are all for me. I'd like some too. Gary you ordered the. Gareth. Jesus Christ. And you ordered a pure blonde. Hey how about you?

Thanks. Crazy. You crazy racist. Got yourself a pure. We both like well he likes German beer. He even drinks racist beer. He wants a pure and blonde. Listen. Just like it was originally going to be called Hitler's Best. So we're going to give Gary. My craft. We're going to give. Oh he's alright. He's alright. He can do stuff. This guy is kind of funny. Very patronizing. We're sharing an apartment right now. Don't touch me with paper. Sharing an apartment. Just a couple of bros. So we're going to give Gary a little sort of how Australia came to be. The origin story. And then I'm sure Luke learned all of this in school. Is this the. It's a

history podcast. I know it's just looking forward to making some real thing. It's on the. On the fun start. That's rally head. Think it's cross. I don't come back to bite me. It'll be. Good. I can't believe that guy didn't pour this. Oh yeah. Life's tough. I mean. Yeah. I guess just treat me like that. Yeah. Like a guy who has to pour his own stuff. And you got to sip it like a regular person too. That's crazy. Boy. The plight of you. Is this there. This is the origin story. Is this like 40 50,000 years ago. Is this we talking October 11th. 1738. Oh boy.

I wasn't there just just for the record. Arthur Philip was born in London. He was the second child of Jacob Philip, a German school teacher who taught Arthur to speak five languages. Four more than me. And the son of Elizabeth who had previously been married to one Captain Herbert. What were the languages. The what the link. What were the languages. I didn't. I like when Luke's here. Yeah. Fuck that. Fuck you. I thought when I was writing it up I thought I should look those up and then I thought no one will care. I'm just trying to stall before we get to the bed stuff. We know one was

German. Okay. And your favorite. And I know. And I'm gonna guess the English because he's born in London. And then I'm pretty sure one is gonna be Portuguese and probably French. And then the last one. Cling on. Cling on. Yep. Cling on. Reg five. Arthur was a cockney. So that's the accent you're using today. Oh. Which I assume goes something like. Hello. Is that why we're doing this part because that's the only accent you can sniff around. That's the only one you've gotten close to. I do all the accents. Not well. Offensively. I do. Australian. I do. I Ireland's. In June of night. That's 19 of 1751. He enrolled in the

establishment of poor boys in the Greenwich School for sons of semen. All sons are from semen. It's a different meaning of the word. But all sons are from semen. You are correct. Yeah. There you go. There they are. There. They're bonding. Bonding. He was able to get him because he was the relative of a dead or disabled semen. Philip was. There's a lot of those when you finish. Yeah. Most of them. The one chosen guy. Philip was an asthmatic kid who suffered from an assortment of mysterious abdominal pains. Cool. Sounds like a good kid. Yeah, that's really fun. After graduating at 15 he was quickly rejected by the Royal

Navy as unfit for service. So he got himself on a whaling ship and killed whales for a while. Yeah. In 1755 Philip managed to get into the Navy but was then discharged on medical grounds the following year. So he got in and they were like. We were right. You're fucked up. Get out. Then war broke out and that enabled him to get into the Navy again because they were taking anyone. That's gonna be. Come on you sick little fuck. Was his only. So his only problem was the mysterious abdominal pain. Yeah. Yeah. He's got weird abdominal pain. He's asthmatic. So he's like. What a pleasure. That must be. He served seven years in

the war and then he retired in 1763. He married a rich widower and took up farming and cloth manufacturing. So he's rolling. They divorced that for six years and then he served in the Portuguese Navy when they were fighting the Spanish. I don't know what happens back then but apparently you can just go. I'll fight for another country and off you go. Get over here mutant. Do it. Let's do this. Come on you little sickly fuck. So while in Brazil he was hit in the face with a heavy tackle and lost his right eye to his. He's right. That's gonna come into play later. Wait. What is right. Is right. I do. What's his eye to. I think that's

like. Tooth but older. Right. It's the tooth you have an eye in. Do you guys not have an eye in one of your teeth. Just to appear. Huh. The hell's happening. What. Okay. So he lost his right eye to. He'll never be the same. Whatever the fuck that is. It's going to come back around. I can't wait. I'm laying foundation. Very snappy. Philip was always seeking leave to visit French spas in hopes. Just a classic Nick. It's a classic Navy man. I need to go to French spa in hopes they would cure him of his many random ailments. He became captain. He kicked around for a while. He went to India. He saw no action. Then he retired again in

1784. His career could be described as very, very, very unremarkable. Now in England at this time they had a criminal problem. Don't look at me. The prisons were overflowing. The easiest solution was to just hang people. Hang out. I get it. Another was to grant lots of pardons. Many women were freed unconditionally and men were pardoned if they agreed to join the army and go kill some Americans. Fuck them, right? That's right. But, uh, magic. It felt real. The registrates continue to impose sentences of transportation. I don't know what that I should have looked at. Get out of jail and drive. Making it clear

that the lack of a place to transport people was not their problem. So they would just be like, all right, so you got to get on the transport to go to the wherever you're supposed to go, but there was no place to bring them and there weren't enough transport. So it's a good solution. It was smart. It worked really well for them. So William Eaton, the undersecretary of state, came up with a solution in 1775. He proposed that male prisoners be sent aboard a proper vessel in the river in the usual manner as if in due course for transportation. So now they're pretending like they're sending in a prison, but they're just putting them

on boats. Just put them on boats? Yeah. Oh, there you go. You're on a ship. Where are they going? Oh, they're going to prison at some point, but it's gonna be a long journey. That's like what we do with our trash now. That's exactly what we do with our trash. This allowed everyone to pretend that the immense inmates were being transported to a prison. So the convict hulks were born. The hulks. Wait, okay. So they are sending, they're making them think they're going to another prison. No, they're, they found like a loophole. Everyone knows what's happening. They're just not, there's not enough prisons. So they're like, we'll put

them on a boat and that boat is going to the prison, but it's never going to the prison. Everyone, no one's being tricked. Everyone's like, yeah, they're on boats. It's a big fucking lie. Everyone is acting like that's a thing. Everyone's just, it's kind of like a wink. But they're not going anywhere. They just, they just drive this kind of around the boats. Yeah. So they're just sitting on a boat that's just going. It's like the love boat, but with prisoners. Prisoners. Okay. All right. Good plan. Good talk. These boats became England's first long-term prisons. They remained in service until 1853. The inmates were

chained and were poorly clothed and fed. No fire or candles were allowed at night because the ships were made of wood. It would be fun to really clothe one of the prisoners' will. Yeah. Where'd you get that top hat, man? I don't know. They just put it on me. Shaking him down. I like that he's going to be the monopoly guy. I don't have money. Stay away your savages. Why do you have a monocle and a top hat? They made me. They made me. I hate it. Bathing was prohibited as unwholesome. Bathing was prohibited. These are, this is a

great boat. Oh, the smell. And the sick were piled together on beds. The sick were piled together. Perfect. Rumi's. Okay, we got another sick one. No, there's already four of us. At least put the guy with the diarrhea on the bottom. He's the most sick. That's like a totem pole of ill. And the sick bays were positioned upstream so that the waste of the disease drifted past the healthy, which then made the healthy not healthy. Make room in the bed. 28% of inmates died between August 1776 and March 1778. So that's a pretty big rate. But in a way, that's probably what they were fine with. Oh, good news. Let's get those numbers up, though.

And these are prisons that like, we're talking like Loverbred and stuff like that. Well, some of them are, I guess, hard, but some of them were just a little... Oh, yeah. A lot of them did a little tiny shit. Yeah, a lot of these people are like, you looked at my dog weird. That would be a great crime. It was a weird dog. Come on. Get on the boat. No. Worth it. I'd do it again if I had it all back. I'd do it again. Dog had a really weird tail.

I'd do it again. This was also a time of enormous social unrest in England. The Industrial Revolution was taken off and Englishmen were rioting over everything. They rioted over the price of fish during the food riots. They rioted over theaters ending half-price admission after the second act. Yeah, you're over rioting if that's what you're rioting. Why are you doing this for a price? Let's get them, boys! You're out of vinegar. Riot! Riot! Riot! Another riot!

Come on, the vinegar riot! Weird dog riot! They rioted over work conditions during England's first cross-industry wage strikes and prostitutes went on strike against the profiteering of their pimps. We're on strike! That's it! No more pussy! Not for you! We're rioting over the... there's no pussy now! Just a confused guy who hides cats with them. It's the pussy riot.

In 1780, they rioted over the repeal of laws that prevented Catholics from serving in the armed forces. That's loaded. A 50,000 strong mob burned down the houses of wealthy Catholics and released thousands of prisoners. And that's why we release smoke when the new popes? Named, right? Yes. Good. Thank you. The social unrest combined with the return of 160,000 now unemployed soldiers from the defeat at the hands of the Americans Boom, you guys should have tried it. It was pretty cool. So that led to a spike in the crime rate, and now the British need to find a new place to put their criminals.

The end. It's a lot more pages, it looks like. Just credits. Yeah, that's just the credits. It's the bibliography. Yeah, it's all footnotes from here on out. Now the British needed to find a new place to put their criminals. In 1779, a parliamentary committee considered possible new sites.

One Joseph Banks recommended Botany Bay for its European climate and fertile soil. But that was weird because he had been to Australia and previously described it as the most barren country he had ever seen. Banks also suggested that the land need not be purchased from the, quote, naked, treacherous and extremely cowardly natives. They were nomadic and would happily just go off. Well, if America, I mean, America did that. We set the example. You just show up and you go, hey, we're here now, and they go, woo! No, you're just like, you want some turkey and then you stab them.

How about some blankets? Too soon, David. There'd be so many, like, less issues like what we're about to describe. If there was just some sort of inbuilt universal way to say, we already live here. That's really what, just like a sign. Yeah, and all humans get it. Sorry. Turn around, someone's already here.

It'd be great if you could just do that now. If you could just walk into an apartment and just be like, yeah, mine. So, the fuck out. Leave the woman. Well, the British, the parliament wasn't sold on the idea, so they tried to send convicts to fight in wars in Africa, but it turns out that when you give them a bunch of convicts, weapons. No, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!

Yeah, that didn't work out very well. They're like, oh, thanks, fuck you! Now, wait a second. Now, hold on a second here. America didn't want the criminals because they had slaves. They were like, no, we're good. We're pretty chock full of this shit over here. We kind of figured out a great system of our own.

We feel really good about it. We're going to own them. So, they tried to pawn them off on the Portuguese as slaves, but the Portuguese were just like, no. Finally, they said fuck it, and they decided to send the criminals to Botany Bay. And Luke McGrathay was bored. Botany Bay's here.

I knew it. Now... You left a lot of clues on where it was, David. It didn't take me that long. Now they needed a man to run things in their new colony, convict slash place. And they asked quite a few able and respected officers to take charge, but they all were like, no.

No, I don't know. Oh, wait a minute. And so they settled on the very mediocre Arthur Phillip. Ah, with his stomach pain, his bad breathing, and no eye tooth on the right. Whatever the fuck that is. He was named the first governor of New South Wales. The first shipment of criminals was to be about 70 female convicts

and a few wives of Marines with the remaining 1,400 human cargo to be men. That's 70 women and 1,400 men. Uh, yeah. How was your math? Good enough to know what's up. Absolutely spammed on Tinder. Let's just...

Yeah. See, because sending 70 women to an island does sound like a reality show. It does. I like what I'm hearing. But then 70 women... Yeah, and then you've got 1,400 savages. Yeah, like 1,500 just dicks.

Well, that's what happens when the ratings dip. You're like, all right, fine, just send 1,400 men. You would... Oh, my God, look what's happening. It'd be nice if like they all... It went the other way and they were all like, they were competed to be the biggest gentleman. That'd be great.

Welcome to the biggest gentleman. Philip, question the numbers. Why? And the heads of a plan. That was a guy whose title was... The heads of a plan. The heads of a plan. Hello, I am heads of a plan.

Okay. I'm vice heads of a plan. I work under him. The heads of a plan agreed that the numbers... The numbers could lead to homosexuality. What? Why? You get a bunch of dudes on an island. There's 70 women.

Duh. Okay, they have three holes each. Yep. It's math. I'm doing math. There's 24 hours in a day. Let's get our pie graphs out. We're gonna figure out how to...

Carry the nine. Sort the holes. And... Plus two hands. So let's keep... Right. So five... Five release things.

Okay. Philip proposed that any columnist convicted of sodomy would be delivered to, quote, the natives of New Zealand and let them eat them. What? Wait. All right. Wait.

Let them what them? If some guy got caught fucking another dude, they sent him to New Zealand and that. And then the New Zealanders would just eat the guy. Whether they wanted to or not, apparently, they dropped the dude off and the New Zealanders would be like, oh, well, you don't eat people. They're like, that's your job!

What? Yeah. Okay. So... Yeah. Did they send both? They were both? Or just the one...

Oh, that's a good question. I assume if you're the receiver, that guy would be sent. And the guy who did it, they'd be like, well... He's like, I was picturing one of the 70 women the whole time. I swear to God. Like, the guy had long hair. Yeah.

So Philip decided to make use of the prostitutes that he had. Writing of the female prisoners, quote, it may be best if the most abandoned are permitted to receive the visits of the convicts in the limits a lot of them at certain hours. Wait. So he just was sending... He was sending a bunch of prostitutes to be like,

so just fuck them. They're whores. Go ahead and have Adam. That's what he was saying. He was like, they're dirty, dirty, dirty women. But these are the 70 women, or these sending reinforcement whores. As I call them, re-enhormants.

Because the 70 women... No, he gets more. He gets some more. He's like dropping a big crate of whores on the island like it's aid. He's like, these women like it. He also thought he might pick up some women at the friendly islands, Tonga or Tahiti.

So he thought he'd pull up in a ship and be like, you guys want to get fucked? Sounds like he's creating the Fanta Girls. I don't know what that is. Me either. Let's keep going. Just to be on the safe side, he collected an extra 100 female prisoners from county prisons and permitted 25 wives

and mothers of convicts to join the fleet. So 25 wives... So those women are not convicts. So they're the first free settlers, these women. That's a really nice way of putting it. The free settlers. Lucky girls. How about the mothers?

They're like, I don't want to live without my Bobby. Let's go to that fucking prison island. On the voyage over, Admiral Middleton decided the prisoners should only get two-thirds of rations of the Marines because they would mostly just be chained up in the dark. So they didn't need much food and stuff. They're not burning the calories.

Yeah, they're not moving around and jumping and jumping. He also wanted to charge extra for the weevils in the flour, calling them protein. This is a very positive plan. There's a lot of shine on this. Phillips actually stuck up for the prisoners and demanded equal rations, decent food and clothes. Phillip was also asked for rum for his soldiers

but was denied because Lord Sidney wanted New South Wales to be a dry colony. It worked. Yeah. Of the three dollops I have written in Australia, two of them, a lot of it is about drinking. Really? Okay, all right. Sorry, how many women are we talking about now?

I don't know. We've got like 70. We've got like the wives. You've got like 70. You've got like about 200 women. 200. Okay, about 200, 1400. Okay.

1400 men to 200 women. We're getting there. Yep, warmer. There's still going to be some problems. No way. Not on the dollop. The Marines threatened a mutiny over the rum and Sidney agreed that they should be allowed to drink

but only for the first three years of settlement. Oh yeah. And then it would become a dry colony. Wait, that really... That's like a continent equivalent of, I'll just have one. I'll do one. It's like having the bar close.

The bar closes at three, but they're just doing that with the whole place. Yeah, forever. Okay, guys, last call. They just turned all the lights on. Forever, last call. The convicts were not to be given any liquor at all. Just the Marines could drink, so that's going to go great.

They set sail on May 13th, 1787. Philip had asked only for, quote, healthy young men and breeding women for his colony. And breeding women? Breeding. Breedy. Breeding ones you could... Breeding.

You put your... Yeah, no, I know, I get it. Okay. Yeah. Wait, what do you do? You... Luke Schaum. He was also given Dorothy Handlin,

an 82-year-old perjurer, and Elizabeth Beckford, a seven-year-old cheese thief. They've got me cheese! I'm going to live large! Get her, get her, get her, grab her. Oh, it's so hard to run with cheese when you're 17. She's got Brie all over herself. The youngest convict was John Hudson,

a 13-year-old chimney sweep, who had been in prison since the age of nine. What? Fuck. Why? Fuck, it was never, I couldn't find out why. They're just a bunch of cunts. Nine?

You just put a nine-year-old in prison, and they're like, ah, well, fuck it. Send him to that island. How do you plead? I'm nine. I plead, yeah, I plead nine. Most of the... Because people, I guess it wasn't,

like, because people knew, like, because when you read this stuff, you were shooting at everyone and that era was like, okay, that's normal, but there must have been some people going, he's nine. Somebody had to be like, but he's a child. He's a child. Although back then, I guess he was halfway through his life.

Yeah, that's... It just seemed like everybody was out for themselves, and no one gave a shit about anybody back then. Because you know how, I don't want to give it political, but a shoe club of changes ends up botting us in the bird. They're going to look at our period, and gay marriage and all that, as if, like, we were cool with that.

It's like, yeah, we don't want guys to get married. Like, I feel like we're going to get blamed. I feel like everyone back then, too, there must be some people going, this is crazy. He's nine. This is crazy. People just staring blankly at him going... He looked at my dog with...

I'd get banished to an island for stealing cheese, too. I don't know what my point is, but carry on. You're pro gay marriage. I thought I'd never break a package. Most of the first fleeters were thieves. Edward Perkins stole a chicken. John Price, a goose, and Harry Vincent, a cask of currents.

Nicholas English stole hair powder. John Nichols stole actual hair. With their powers combined. William Francis was transported for seven years for stealing a book entitled, A Summary Account of the Flourishing State of the Island of Tobago. Off with you!

You like islands, do you? William Price received the same penalty for stealing a mirror. I like to think one of them had like an actual super heist crime planned, and they go, all right, now we just need a chicken. Gotta get the chicken. Maybe this was a gang, and they were all stealing the one thing

to eventually commit a bigger crime. You mean the hair powder? You run chicken? Hey, chicken. John, goose. Harry, get the currents. Nicholas, hair powder. Not again! John, you get the actual hair. Francis, you get the book, and Bryce, grab the mirror.

And nine-year-olds, you just stay here. Sounds like a scavenger hunt. It does. A fun one. Of the 759 convicts, 28 had committed no crime other than handkerchief thief. Theft.

Handkerchief theft. They stole handkerchiefs. Right, you wonder, I'm gonna get myself a handkerchief. Some day. I feel pretty special now. Got me a hanky. Imagine blowing your nose into something that's not your hand. Oh.

Crikey, that'll be the day. That'll be the day. Oh, fuck me. You'll see, I'll come back. You'll all be going, there he is with his nice handkerchief. Well, I come back to this shit town, I'll have a hanky. And you'll look at me like the god I am. All hail King Hanky.

Ah, fuck me. Oh, when I come back, I'll have a new hanky. I'd wait with dad snot and whatnot. There might have been a rich guy in the street who just hated his neighbors and he's like, I'll give you a hundred bucks if you go give me a chicken. And I slowly bite, he had the whole street to himself. Another 78 had stolen goods that included handkerchiefs

and a further 225 stole other cloth goods. What the fuck? There were French convicts, American convicts, Jewish convicts, 16 convicts of African descent including Thomas Chattac, a Jamaican who had rebelled against the British imperialism by vandalizing 12 cucumber plants. Savage. Take this, you brits.

He would have tagged them. Cucumber suck. Who did this? Banksy. The male convicts came from a variety of professions while most of the female were domestic servants or quote single woman of no trade. Historians have argued forever about how many prostitutes

were part of the load. Prostitution was not actually a transportable offense. So prostitutes were frequently found guilty of other crimes like stealing their clients' handkerchiefs. God damn it, what is going on? Philip held female convicts in particular contempt complaining that many had quote diseases of longstanding had been discharged from the venereal disease hospitals

as incurable and that quote these disease-ridden and abandoned wretches became the mothers of Australia. There were venereal disease hospitals? But that's made it so Australians are completely immune to all listy days. I did not know that. And that's why the koalas got it. Koalas got chlamydia, nobody else.

Who fucked a koala? What? Who fucked a koala? Oh, okay. Look at how little and pretty they are. Once the fleet set sail, the convicts were allowed to stroll about the ship. The boundaries between criminals and free people

quickly slipped away. The hatches were removed from the female prisoners' quarters for reasons of health and comfort. And many women would soon sport new handkerchiefs. What the fuck is going on? What is the currency for fucking? They were fucking for handkerchiefs. What is with a handkerchief?

How runny were they noses? They're very soft. They run in hay fever. There's a lot of hay fever out there. Still? Who gives a fuck? Among those Marines whose families were on board, discontent was growing.

The Navy board had allocated their wives and children significantly less rations than Phillip had arranged for convict families. They began to bide their time. Phillip derived a botany bay on the 18th of January, 1878. That can't be right. 1778.

Sure. I'm happy if you just get to hit some of this stuff. I just jumped ahead. Are you guys cool if I just jump ahead 100 years? It was a 100-year voyage. He crossed a time barrier. Would you stop and ask for directions? This is ridiculous.

I was born here. He had lost only 2% of his convicts, which was considered a very good rate at the time. The livestock had not fared so well. Many of the sheep had died of sea sickness, and the chickens had taken out the goats when their coop was blown into the goat pen during a storm. I'm going to need you to run that one back.

Sorry, was I chicken what? It was the first goat chicken war. The chickens, what? The sheep died of sea sickness. Which makes sense. We all know don't take sheep on a boat. And the chickens had taken out the goats. Had taken them out?

We have a very particular set of skills. If I was a wagering man, I'd put my money on the goats. I think that the chickens are all pushing against the coop. They're like, heave, heave, heave, and then it fell on the goats. What would have jumped on its head and laid an egg to blind us?

And then who? Philip wasn't worried about the loss of livestock because Joseph Banks had promised that Botany Bay was a land full of all kinds of edibles, and the land was ready for a planting. He had a whole two years of food ready to go, so it shouldn't be a problem. How many handkerchiefs did he bring?

Upon landing, Philip realized that Banks was a fucking liar. The land at Botany Bay was sandy or a swamp, and there was almost no fresh water. The bay was too shallow to safely moor ships, and quote, every part of the ground was covered with huge black and red ants. To be able to see his face when he gets there. Fucking takes forever.

Chickens are killing goats. And he's like, once we get there, man, I hear it's beautiful. It's gonna be great. It's gonna be what, though? There's ants all over me. There's fucking ants on me. Oh, there were also these things

called aboriginal people already living there. Banks said they would dash off, but they did no such thing. Philip tried to win them over by giving them paper and other shit. The aboriginal people did not believe many of the Englishmen were actually men because they did not have beards. So one Englishman was forced to drop his pants

and show them his junk. All right, look. Seriously? Fuck you. Look, I have one. I just shave. I have a dick. It'd be great if he just jumped the gun.

If there were so many steps in between, he's like, I'll just show him my dick. See? So they're off to a great start. You could have just grown a beard. That's a fair point. Okay. That's a fair point.

Fair point. Fair point. Then suddenly a hundred Frenchmen under the command of Jean-François de Gallup, Cote de la Parouse. Fuck that. You know, fuck you, you long-named French asshole. Sorry.

I had a heart. I didn't catch the name. Jean-François de Gallup, Cote de la Parouse. You can't say it without cheating yourself. Philip said fuck it and sailed off to another harbor up the coast. Philip named the new harbor after Lord Sidney. Mm-hmm.

The great guy. Didn't stick. Did what? No, didn't stick. It's called Sidney. This is where he would build the new society. He came up with some great ideas. First, no money because convicts like to steal it.

Then, no alcohol and tobacco because, well, just because. It would be a society without shops or trade where the state would provide equal rations for every man, whether felon or free, and there would be communal farms to feed the people. So it was the first giant hippie commune with convicts. Wait, they couldn't have alcohol? No alcohol, no tobacco.

Can I have alcohol? Is there anybody to get another beer? Hey, what's your gear? I thought it was another Heineken. Can I also have another beer? It doesn't have to be a pure blonde. It could be any beer. No, no, no.

Stick to your master race of beers. Agendier. I couldn't think of it in time. Assahi. You've really swung in the other direction now. Well, I mean, they did fight with the Nazis. So, I mean, you are still on the other side of the war, so nicely done.

Oh, okay, yeah, that's right. What about a Peroni? No, that's right. Asians are Aryans. You're right, David. I'm sorry. You know what happened in World War II, right? Yeah, we've saved it.

We fixed everything. The convicts were not down with the rules, and about 400 quickly scurried off into the bush and tried to hitch a ride back to Europe with the French. The Marines, like Major Robert Ross and Lieutenant Clark, hated the convicts. They weren't about to go round them up. They were not thrilled with the actions of the men and women,

and the convicts had celebrated landing in Australia by unloading the female prisoners and having an orgy. All right. All right, all right, yeah. Lieutenant Clark wrote of the newly erected women's camp, quote, I would call it by the name of Sodom, for there is more sin committed in it than any other part of the world. I'm picturing, you know, in the second Matrix film

where they first see the city? Yeah. And everyone's like, it's some obscure reference. Like I brought the film. Sorry, keep going. No, no, no, you keep going. No, no, no. I think I knelt it, and I'm ready to move on.

Scurvy and dysentery ripped through the camp. By March, Sergeant White's Wooden Hospital held over 200 patients. Crazy rains tore through the settlers' huts and tents. Philip's house was neither wind nor waterproof, and the governor developed a pain in his kidneys that would stay with him for his life. But he had all, that's just another one. It's just another place to, like, hold.

Yeah, he's just like, oh, French spa. Rats attacked the first crops of wheat and corn, and the few surviving crops yielded almost no grain. All but one of the fleet's five cows escaped. What? It's a fucking cow. Guys, I'll provide a distraction. There you go.

Yeah. Dancing cow. Five cows? Five cows. Watch out for the chickens. Now there's one. Oh, the one cow left attempted to kill anyone who tried to milk it, so they shot it.

Smart, smart. It's a good start. Smart, you gotta shoot it. Blow flies, bad weather, poor forage, and dingoes wiped out 69 of Philip's 70 sheep. I love how they just end up with one of every animal. Yeah, they're like Noah, but they're like, fuck, we forgot about the other one.

The colony's hogs were encouraged to roam outside the new town's boundaries, and the aboriginal people were like, hey, dinner! Look at these fucking giant things of meat that are coming towards us. So then the hogs were moved closer to the town because they were getting eaten,

and then they just were breaking into huts and eating all the colonist food. Wait, they started eating the people and then moved to the food? No, the pigs were getting eaten by the natives. They weren't. Then they were like, all right, bring them closer to the town, and then they had them in the town,

and then the pigs started eating off of people's food. Wasn't that full from all the people who had anal sex? The white white? I remember going back a little. Are they eating all the... Yeah, they were supposed to eat the people who... Do you not read them earlier? You read it.

It was on the thing. They were supposed to eat the people who had men on mansions. Remember the ones who couldn't find the ladies? Oh, yeah. Well, that's the New Zealanders. Don't say, yeah, like, you fucking know everything. Yeah.

I'm staying on story. I'm still... I'm on this continent. Anyway, let's get back to the second matrix. Okay. So, food theft escalated. Thomas Hill stole some bread and was punished with a diet of bread and water for a week. Wait, wait, wait.

He's like, yeah, boom. Exactly what I wanted and water. It's all upside. It's, yeah. It's some good punishment. But that did not work. So you got greedy? And then Phillip started hanging people.

So he was like, okay, you stole some bread, fuck you, here's some bread. And then he was like, well, that didn't work. So let's kill him. Like, no in between. Zero to 60. All or nothing. Thomas Brett, who had stolen butter peas and pork,

was the first to hang. Even though they weren't allowed to drink, alcohol abuse was through the roof. Sailors and Marines traded hard liquor for soft comforts. Convicts broke into wine stores, and there were numerous attempts at home brewing. Fights over alcohol were common, as were floggings for public intoxication.

The convicts soon realized they were doing all the work, and if they didn't, shit went pear-shaped. So they refused to work standard hours, insisting on a system under which they would hoe 88 yards a day. By 1792, they had negotiated this down to 38 yards a day. Some good negotiating. No one would build Reverend Johnson at church,

but the colonists enthusiastically erected taverns and brothels. It's my kind of town. The Aboriginal people of the area were known as the Eora. I said that right, right, Eora? Do you guys even know? Eora. Eora? Well, it's spelled Eora, but I was told it was,

you say it, Eora. Really? Just fucking pissed about it. So, when I actually go and research how to say a fucking word, it turns out it's wrong, because I always say words wrong, and I would have said the Eora. So I would have said it right, and then I get all these people like,

what do you fucking say words right? And then I go and figure it out, and it's fucking wrong. Those beers aren't coming, are they? My show's called Hothead, by the way. My show's Hothead, 715, Greek Center. It's like this, but about his family. So the Eora. Okay.

The Eora marked a boy's transition to manhood by removing an eye tooth. Well, I don't look at me like that. That doesn't tell me what it is. The fuck is it? It doesn't matter what it is. It just matters that his is gone. Oh, what if it's like a toe hair?

Does anybody know what an eye tooth is? A pointy one? So it's what I said. So do you have two, or do you have one? Just missing one eye tooth. One eye tooth. But why is it the eye tooth? Because it's under the eye?

They would... Is that why it's under the eye? It's oval-shaped? Oh, okay. Yeah, the oval tooth. Yep. It's cool. I'd just like to point out that you guys don't know

what the fuck you're talking about. So they would remove an eye tooth, and this exact tooth that Philip was missing, so they believed Philip to be an initiated Eora warrior returned from the dead. Oh, finally. Oh, it's all coming together. And if you had stomach pain and asthma,

you were the chosen one. Oh, does your kidney hurt? You're a wizard? It's the one we've read about. He's here. Philip wanted to make nice with the aborigines because if they wanted to, they could kill the colonists.

Now, Amayo, is it okay? I don't know what words are proper. Is aborigine an okay word to say? Okay. Was that by all the aboriginals in the room? Yep. I actually think aboriginal is wrong, too. I think even...

You know, I'm just gonna... No, no, no. Close your mouth. Sorry. Do it. Do it, Luke. Can I have a beer? Have Adam. Oh, did the beer?

No, we didn't get any beers. Can we get a couple of beers for the fellas? More horses for the men. Okay, so they think he's something big, and so he wants to make friendly with them, you know, because they could, if they wanted to, just overrun the village and kill them all,

and he wanted to know what Yorah had the deed to the land so he could buy it with blankets and mirrors. He's like a magician. Now, the French had bailed by this time, and on the way out, they had shot a few of the Yorah, which made them a tad skeptical of all white guys.

Meanwhile, the convicts, who were super into being criminals, had started raiding the Yorah huts. They traded... Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. It's tremendous. They traded Aboriginal tools and weapons

for rum rations and clothing with visiting sailors who took the artifacts back to Britain as souvenirs. In contrast, an Aboriginal man who stole two shovels was shot. So there's a little bit of a different justice system. The Yorah were also made up of a bunch of different tribal groups who often fought with each other.

Philip wanted one guy to be in charge of the Yorah, so he sent one Lieutenant Johnson who nominated a Yorah ambassador by clubbing him over the head, tying him up, and kidnapping him in a rowboat. It's a fun ceremony. This would be the ambassador. The new ambassador would not tell Philip his name,

so he was called Manly. Philip invited Ambassador Manly to lunch and then had him tied up in Philip's backyard. So this guy was just like, you just keep tying me up? Well, he's ambassador. Oh, right. Manly then finally revealed

that his name was Arabanu, and then he caught smallpox and died. That's why you don't tell people your name. Half of the Yorah were wiped out by smallpox in 1789. It's so great that you guys do the same thing we did. It's so nice. Is there a bigpox? You don't want to know.

Yeah, that's true. In Sydney, a new society was taking shape. Convicts were getting into relationships. The Marines started shacking up with some prostitutes. Lieutenant Philip King started banging his housekeeper David Collins, the colony's deputy judge advocate, hooked up with a prostitute, and they had a couple of kids.

Meanwhile, Philip was sort of missing records on when convict sentences should end. Dave, you can have the honor system. Just ask him nice. Plus, he really needed to keep them working. Also, the Marines had now split into two factions. Captain Watkin Trench and Lieutenant William Dawes led a group that wanted to work for the benefit of the colony

and build relationships with the Yorah. Dawes went as far as to actually produce a dictionary of their language. But other Marines were led by Major Ross. Ross had already figured out a way to have a second salary by appointing his nine-year-old son, second lieutenant of the Marines. Oh, my God.

That needs to be a sitcom. Oh, God. And yet Ross was still pissed. He was pissed that his Marines were subject to the laws created by Philip rather than to military discipline. And when seven of his men were hanged for stealing from the food stores, Ross told the Marines to boycott jury duty.

Well, you're really showing them there. Killed my guys. Well, jury duty is over, my friend. And now everybody boycotts jury duty. But that would have destroyed the colony's legal system. So Philip then created a convict police force who were super into arresting Ross's soldiers. Ross lost his shit.

Philip banished Ross to Norfolk Island where it was hoped he would do no further harm. But he was Ross. There he created a new legal system. Whenever a pig died, a formal colonial inquiry was held unless a natural cause of death could be established, all the convicts were punished.

Jesus. Oh, wow. You're putting butter on the pigs like, stay up now, you're a good boy. Stay healthy. If a pig died, I don't know how if they had a pig autopsy, how they knew if a pig died of natural causes.

I think they got a lady from Bones. They've got like a little chalk outline over the pig. The rookie's vomiting. You a latte, sir? Ross also gave land to teams of convicts and offered prizes to those who gave him the most corn. The convict realized it was easier to just raid each other's crops.

They're shrewd. Have a corn contest! Fuck you! One day, while transporting Ross, Captain John Hunter ran Philip's largest ship, the Sirius, onto Norfolk Island's reef. Convicts sent to salvage the wreck. They were sent to go out there and salvage everything on the ship.

His ship was called the Sirius? Yeah. It's not that Sirius. It's the other one. So they sent convicts out to salvage the wreck, but they just took the rum and set the ship on fire. Same thing. It's the same thing.

Oh! Oh, we should have sent the Marines. Hey, where's the ship? What? What, a ship? Oh, fuck, it's hot. It's a ship. Ship be fine, man. Ship be fine, fine.

So that was the end of the colony supply ship, and Sidney was now running out of food. Philip ordered the colony's dwindling supply of seed grain to be soaked in tubs of urine to deter theft. What? There's got to be a better way. What? All right, I'll just piss on it.

Give me that handkerchief. I mean, it's... I don't understand it because... Yeah. If you're pissing on it... Yeah, it's ruined. I guess you're saying, well, we're not ruining it because we can still cook with it,

but if you can still cook with it, then people will be like, I'm still going to take it. Yeah, yeah. What I'm saying is shit on it. Maybe he had a close mate who just had, like, a tub of urine business, and he's like, you got to help me out, man. Come on, man.

I invested everything into this. My wife's all over me. Please. The kickstart is failing. Please. All I've got is piss. Oh, fuck. There's tubs and tubs.

Maybe we can figure something out. Anything you need pissed on. Anything. There really is no logic to doing that. Nope. All right, good talk. Maybe there's been, like, a jellyfish attack or something, but it never came.

So, uh... The convict still did not refrain from stealing and eating the grain. This is good pissy. Mm. Clothing really tastes the pass. Gorgeous. Clothing was also in short supply.

Convicts worked naked to preserve their tattered clothes, and Philip ordered a shoe embargo. I've got one more tub of urine joke. The guy got rich in the end. But you might know it as... Fosters. Sorry. It is a big can of piss.

Thanks. It's worth going to jail, huh? In 1789, King George III pardoned all of the women on death row and ordered their transportation to New South Wales. They hoped this would stop the coming issue of impending homosexuality. Uh, David, David, David.

We could have had better phrasing there. I disagree. I very much disagree. The Lady Juliana set sail. The ship steward reported that most of the women on board were street walkers, and that when we were fairly out to see every man on board took a wife. The floating brothel, as the Lady Juliana came to be known,

arrived in Sydney in June 1790 after one of the slowest convict voyages of all time. They were just fucking. She had stopped at numerous ports along the way so that the prostitutes could make some cash and her officers could claim a slice of the action. When the ship arrived, the Sydney colonists were distraught at the arrival of a cargo so unnecessary

because they needed food. You said pussy! A starship turned up... We're pissing on our food right now. Do you understand? Yes, we can fuck. All right, I'll fuck them. A starship turned up two weeks later,

but their joy was soon shattered by the arrival of the remaining three ships of the Second Fleet. The British had hired some private slave traders to ship this new batch of convicts, but there was no incentive to deliver them alive to New South Wales. What? They just paid them to put them on the boats,

but they weren't going to pay them for how many they took off the boat. The slavers realized they wouldn't have to hire as many guards if they changed the convicts together. This also meant they didn't need warm clothes because they wouldn't be wandering about the ship deck. Their possessions were tossed overboard to make space for food.

They also gave them the least amount of food possible so convicts started eating their own bandages. Oh, my God. You guys came from some fucked-up shit. Eating bandages? I mean... It's a real Hail Mary. When the ships arrived in Sydney,

it was a horror show. About a quarter of the convicts were dead. Emancipated corpses were tossed over the side. Skeleton-like men covered in lice and bedwounds crawled out onto the deck before dying in the sun. Others died as they were loaded onto rowboats in agony from scurvy. The ship's captain sold the dead convict's rations

to the colonists. Britain was not pleased. What did they expect? Well, Captain Donald Trail of the Neptune was put on trial for cruelty and murder, but was acquitted after Lord Nelson said he was a pretty cool guy. Meanwhile, a nine-year-old was hanged.

Plus, the captains were needed because the government had just commissioned the same slave traders to transport another 1,800 convicts to New South Wales. Jesus Christ. You guys can do that again, right? That worked out okay, right? His bum was pretty good. We worked out the kinks.

Your Honor, look at him. He's wearing sunglasses. Back in Sydney, Philip was still trying to find an Aboriginal ambassador. He kept kidnapping them and tying them up in his backyard. But they kept dying. Oh, my God. Ambassadors are terrible. But then one finally stayed alive.

His name was... Oh, you're an Australian. Why don't you go ahead and read that name at the top of the... You're Australian. Yeah, sure. His name was... Woolaware? Bunder?

But... I'm sorry. He had an I'm sorry in his name? But a bunder. That's a nickname. That's what he had on his jacket. Wogatrari. That's still good.

Benelbon. But they... They called him Stan. I want to try. Oh, man. Wait, wait. Please tell me you got to say that name a couple more times. Oh, I didn't say the first name.

Every letter. He was called Bettlebong for short. Bettlebong. Is that where Billibong came from? They should have gone with Benny. Okay. Bettlebong was said to be smart, charming and funny. He also had wild mood swings and loved a good fight.

Bettlebong set out trying to figure out the colonists and what he could get from them. The first thing he realized was that Phillip thought he was very important and would do anything to keep him as a friend. So, while the Marines and convicts starved, Bettlebong was treated to endless amounts of pork. While the colonists wore rags, he had two very nice jackets, one red and one yellow,

that he strolled around in. Oh, my God. There's that double jacket guy again. Yeah. What a makeover. As you can imagine, the dirt-eating convicts were not happy with the big-eating GQ-wearing black dude wandering around. Oh, man.

Then one day, Bettlebong escaped. Phillip was very hurt, but reports were coming in of Bettlebong showing up in front of startled colonists and asking how the governor was doing. Wait a second. One day, Bettlebong sent a gift of whale blubber. These are awesome times, obviously. And with it, Phillip was invited to celebrate the beaching of a sperm whale

on Manly Beach. Phillip thought this was it, finally a breakthrough. There would be diplomacy with the euros. I said it wrong, didn't I? Because now I have it written as I'm supposed to pronounce it. It's all fucked up. Phillip went and he was speared through the back. Whoa.

He was dragged to a boat under a hail of stones and spears, barely surviving. So, Bettlebong, you know, is a... I guess at least his abdomen pains weren't that mysterious anymore. Yeah. The upside is my stomach doesn't hurt as much anymore. Phillip then sent people to look for Bettlebong, saying all was forgiven and he wanted to reconcile.

Oh, he'd leave, too? Jesus. He's here in the bank. And he came crawling back. Bettlebong got the message and returned to Sydney. There he was given his own house. On the point of Sydney Cove. So he... He's awesome.

Just to sum up, he got a couple of jackets. He made a bunch of food. He ran away. He kept stopping on how's everybody doing. And then he said, here's some whale blubber. You want to come to a party? And then at the party, they tried to kill him.

And then he's like, hey, do you want a house? Yeah, but they also took him away from his people and his culture and said, don't worry, we're going to give you two jackets. Yeah. Then an Aboriginal warrior named Pemmel Away was speared and he killed Phillip's gamekeeper. His gamekeeper? Yeah, like his...

Monzel the Who? His games. Not like... Dungeons and Dragons or... Okay, that's what I thought. Monopoly, stuff like that. The guy is... Yeah, exactly.

Not touches with you. You should have just pissed on him. In response, Phillip ordered two of the Eora to be captured and beheaded and ten more to be captured and lynched in front of everyone. Titford, like a bunch, sort of thing. But when the men went out to catch some of them, they couldn't find any. Eventually, Phillip gave up on his awesome random massacre response idea and soon Phillip left the colony in December of 1792.

Well, a job well done. He took Benelbaum with him and another Aboriginal man who was like, what the fuck? Where are my jackets? James Ruse, a convict whose prison term was over, became the first land recipient in New South Wales. The Reverend Johnson finally pulled together enough money to get his church built. And just as quickly, it was burned to the ground by...

by a colony atheist. You guys are tremendous. I knew I liked it here. God, so great. Major Ross died in 1794. Lieutenant Clark returned to England the same year. The old gang was breaking up. Phillip's departure left a power vacuum and with no replacement governor on the horizon.

And because no one with a decent military background wanted to go to the nightmare that was New South Wales, the New South Wales corpse rushed in to fill it. Major Francis Gross assumed the lieutenant governorship of the colony. Gross was lazy and fat and couldn't comprehend that he was still being given the same rations as convicts. So his great idea was to have his troops take everything from incoming ships and sell it at highly inflated prices.

This is just what a starving population needed. Colonists who tried to deal directly with the traders on the ships all had unfortunate accidents. The colony magistrates tried to step in to stop the monopoly, so Gross fired them and put his own guys in the positions. Now that they had legal control, they started prosecutions against people they didn't like or who were causing them trouble with their profits.

Perfect. Then they went a step further and let convicts pay to have their sentences shortened. Whoa. Or they would let someone else pay to have another person's sentence extended. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Yeah, that one there. Fuck him, yeah.

Fuck him. Give him another ten. Fucking cunt. Oh, man. We need to bring that system back. That's just fun. That's fun for everybody. It's like at school and you can just keep someone in detention forever? Yeah. Gross just wanted to be fat and lazy and not do all the bullshit work,

so he appointed John MacArthur, the inspector of public works. The cool thing about MacArthur was that he didn't believe in public works. He was super deprivatizing everything. Probably the wrong guy for the job. So up until now it's like a hippie communal thing, right? Sure. And so now they appoint a guy to be in charge of the hippie communal thing and he's like, I'm going to change everything.

So John MacArthur was a Scotsman whose father had made underwear. John was ashamed of his poor underwear making family and his enemies whom he collected quite a few of always reminded him of his beginnings and called him a Bodus Jack. I'm just so ashamed of my past. My father just made underwear for cute people. It's unnecessary. Shut up.

What did they call you? The way a Jack. They called him a Bodus Jack. Hey brahman. He married up, but he thought a military career was the way to get out of this mess. But he was super into not fighting in the military. And during wartime he just went AWOL on his Gibraltar regiment while the whole time sending letters demanding he be paid his salary

saying he would return when he was given a good assignment he deemed worthy. You don't understand what this is. That assignment was New South Wales. The place absolutely no one wanted to go. Anyone with money connections avoided New South Wales like the plague. At this point so few men wanted to join the corpse that Gross was recruiting deserters from London's military prison. MacArthur and his wife Elizabeth arrived on one of the famous death ships in the second wave.

That's a good name. You're like, I don't want to get on that, it's his death on the back. Where's the Sirius? Is that around here? On the right over he complained nonstop about the smell, the location of his cabin and eventually challenged the captain to a duel. He's a fucking prick, huh? Neither men were harmed in the duel and MacArthur was transferred to a different ship more suited for assholes.

I like how there's some duels where nothing happens. Where like you're just like, alright, my bad, but stop that. Is a duel with a gun? Yeah, with a gun. So it just means they both missed? They both missed, yeah. I imagine just the awkwardness. Bang!

Bang! Hungry? You want to get a bite? Yeah, what do you... There's pig downstairs and we can just eat one of the dead guys. Let's do that, let's do that, let's do that. MacArthur said about turning the farms which just produced food for people to eat into a money-making venture. It was like, it's like Tony Abbott. It was his job to allocate farms so he started giving all the quality farmland to military men

and the shitland to convicts and newly arrived free settlers. He took a hundred acres and then continued to add to it wherever possible. MacArthur then gave each military man ten convicts to work on their farms even though the law said they can only have two. At the same time, he made it as difficult as possible for the public farms. They were given all the convicts riddled with tuberculosis and other diseases or had missing limbs. And then he reduced their rations.

Back to bandages. But there was a problem, not enough English convicts knew how to work the land. Many were from cities. They needed an influx of some hard field work in convicts. So, here come the Irish. Oh no. That's not good news for anybody. I'm talking about on the podcast.

I know, I know. We're ready to fucking farm! Hello! Right over here we planted a lot of clovers. And then over there more clovers. It's all clovers. We're waiting for the rainbow. The Irish were perfectly suited to the task

because they've been living under British oppression for so long. Sir Henry Brown Hayes, the sheriff of Cork, sent the first Irish convicts to Sydney in 1791. Most of these convicts had committed the standard crimes. Stealing handkerchiefs. Handkerchiefs? And interfering with fishponds. What does that even mean?

I've got my hand in a fishpond! You get out of there! Get out of there! The fishpond is interfering with the fishpond! I'm touching the fish here! Stop interfering! Knock it off! Stop interfering!

I'm a bad, bad fishpond toucher! I'll give you a handkerchief to leave. Just like a group of six of the baddest kids in school. We're going to go to Devil's Peak and interview with Mr. Smith's fishpond. You talking about interfering? Let's do this. You weren't up there interfering with fish, were you?

Alright, we've had some fun. Some of the Irish had committed unique crimes, like Mary McLaughlin, who was transported for, quote, felony of sock. Couldn't even get to the handkerchief, huh? Did it say what that was? No, it didn't say what it was.

I couldn't find anything in that felony of sock. I'm interfering one or... She's got two on one. Maybe they were different socks? Oh, how dare she? Some Irish convicts were... never tried or sentenced, but transported simply for the crime of being Irish.

Irish women could be transported for the crime of homelessness, which was a notch up from prostitute. How can you be convicted of not having a home? Well, they're Irish. What are you doing there? Just living. Fuck off. Why?

There you go, in the ship. These guys interfered with the ponds. They're called pond vicks. So, there was also a thing going on in Ireland where Irish men would kidnap a maiden who had an inheritance. Then he'd bribe a priest to marry them, and then he would take her virginity

and go back to the Guardian and demand her inheritance. Holy shit. And they couldn't get divorced because the Catholic Church was like, yeah, no divorce. So they're basically kidnapping and raping and then being like, okay, where's my money?

Pretty romantic stuff. In Ireland. This was so common in Ireland that groups of young Irish men formed abduction clubs. The clubs would pay a household servant for information on their future wives. Then the club would all go kidnap a girl,

and one of them would marry her. What priest is like... Okay, yeah, this seems right. This seems fine. Yeah, that's okay. Yeah, they all moved to Vegas to marry people. Oh, you stole this one then. Okay, good. She doesn't look like she wants to marry you. No, she loves me. She loves me.

Yeah, because someone would actually have to do it. They'd have to say, I do, don't they? Like... Yeah. So... Well, she's already... This is how you do it. You'd just be like, do you want to leave? And she'd be like, I do want to leave. She'd be like, she just said I do.

Yeah. She's mine. Sir Henry Brown Hayes, the sheriff who had sent the first boatload of Irish people to Sydney, the guy I just discussed a moment ago, was also sent to New South Wales after he abducted Mary Pike, who had been left 20,000 pounds

by her grandfather. His mistake was that he didn't check her religion. She was a Quaker, and the Quakers were like, we'll just divorce him. Oh! Got to do your homework. So he was given a life sentence of Australia.

But he was already rich, so he got to build himself a nice big house in New South Wales, and he also brought 500 tons of imported Irish grass, which he thought would keep the snakes away. He has to be right, right? Never heard of an expression

that says anything different. This'll do it. Perfect. Now we can't see him. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Once in the colony, the Irish set about trying to escape. In 1792,

a group of 21 Irish escaped Sydney and started walking to China. Everyone knows you have to dig to get there. Trust me, huh? All right. Is this China yet? I just swell with pride when I read

about my ancestors. What? So they believe that at a considerable distance to the northward, there was a large river which separated Australia from the back part of China,

and that when it was crossed, they would find themselves among a copper-colored people who would receive them and treat them kindly. And they'd order the number 55. How long could that walk go? They thought it was... Sorry.

It's a fucking big river, huh? Oh, jeez. Fucking river goes out for a while. She's a large one. I didn't know. One of them died on the third day when they were attacked by aborigines and one was killed.

Several others were roughed up pretty good. Then they reached their destination and realized the river to China was fucking huge. So they went back to Sydney and told everyone that they were really hungry. We just had a handkerchief for Chinese.

At this point, all these Irishmen had run off and were living in the bush and just coming in and raiding the food. So the Irish were all escaping. Another group of Irish decided to escape and head down south to the, quote, secret white empire

that was supposed to be 300 miles away. It's like the Irish think they're living in Lord of the Fucking Rings. Yeah. Got to go defeat the dragon. They're just making up anything. They're just making it up. I'm going to the Shire.

That's right. If you open this wardrobe, look inside. It's a magical world. I've always wanted how long, I mean, you would destroy the friendship, but I've always wanted how long you could get a really close friend to do just weird stuff by just saying,

I can't tell you, but just trust me. And just see how long they can go on for and just like, I'm not putting my foot in a bucket of urine again. Okay, okay. There was no plan. You got me. You got me. I just want to see how long I can do it.

I just want to see how long I can do it for. Seven years, pretty good. I've been putting my foot in that bucket. So the secret white empire was supposed to be 300 miles away. And because so many Irish have been dying in their escape attempts, the governor said, that's fine,

but I'm giving you a guide. So off they went on a sanctioned escape. They did not find the secret white empire, but they did discover koalas. There you go. But the Irish were vital to the economy of New South Wales. The English importance

had slowed down because of the war with Napoleon. I was hoping the next thing would be and they teamed up. Came back. That'd be great. The movie poster's just an Irish guy with a koalas. We're different, but we're alike. Party on the koala.

So everyone wanted an Irishman. They were the thing to have. Wait, what? They were like a beanie baby? Well, they fucking came in and they worked and they did the job unless they tried to escape and they're clearly not bright. I'm going to a magic cloud!

Between 1788 and 1868, one quarter of all convicts arriving were Irish and half of all convict women were Irish. Up until 1793, New South Wales was supposed to be a dry colony, but then a ship named Hope

rolled into the harbor. You've got to be fucking kidding me. How is this not a movie? The American owner would not sell grouse, the food and supplies on the ship unless he also bought the rum. So he bought the rum

and sold it to his officers, who then sold it at a huge markup. By the end of the year, the corpse were importing stills and killing anyone who was making moonshine. Now, there was a lack of money in the colony, so bartering was the way to do business. Workers were paid in sugar,

tobacco and handkerchiefs. I mean, really, it's time to just shake them. Is there a reveal about why they were so coveted that they could not find anything about the handkerchiefs? It was just like in vogue.

Yeah, you just pay them in handkerchiefs. As if no one in history has been like, why? Yeah, like no one asked. Yeah. Man, we are earning some money tonight. You must have been sitting here the whole time like, what the fuck is wrong with that?

You know what, I see it now. I see it, yeah. I get it. It all makes sense now. That's cool. Yeah, it is cool. Yeah, I get it. Thank you for your stuff. Oh, you can comment it. David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David. I just had an idea. I had an idea.

That would make more sense to me, though. Sorry. Thank you for this. It was at this point that the convicts quote, preferred receiving liquor for labor to every other article or provisions or clothing that could be offered them. Jealous?

No. So now all they just want to be paid in liquor. They're like, yeah, we don't need clothes or food or whatever. Just give us liquor. We're naked and we want booze. The convicts received their wages by the bottle or jug. The consumption of liquor led to gambling

and other vices. One man wrote, to such excess was this pursuit carried among the convicts that some had been known after losing provisions, money, and all their spare clothing to have staked and lost the very clothes on their wretched backs,

standing in the midst of their associates as naked and as indifferent about it as the unconscious natives of the country. Full circle. So now they're just drunk and standing around naked. We all have that friend.

Alexandro Marispina, a Spaniard who visited Sydney in 1793, was amazed by all the new drunks who wanted to play cards with him. I think you guys misunderstand strip poker. Just naked drunk guys

like, if I see a game of cards. Yeah, no, I don't have anything to play with. I've just got to me deck and some cards. But do you want to play cards? No, I can't bet anything. It's how you know nobody's cheating.

I can let you touch me pubes if you win. Because they, you know, in the height of the party and the drunkenness, that's fine, but they would have also had to sober up and just do mundane stuff as well. Oh yeah. They just wake up and they're just naked.

They're like, gotta work. Hey Chuck, hey Jim. Just punching in. How you doing? Oh, that was a rough one the whole month. I have no clothes still. Someone had some bad luck last night. What about the guy who's just got a pair

of underwear left? He's like, oh fuck. Hope I don't get drunk tonight. Swear to God, I keep shedding them. It's getting hotter and hotter and hotter. It's getting hotter and hotter and hotter. All the handkerchiefs in the world. He wrote the columnist

continued abusive liquor and frequent at times baseless duels. Baseless duels are great. Just getting drunk and Morning, what a duel. Just naked guys getting drunk and shooting at each other. For nothing. Welcome to Australia.

That should be the flag. There would have been a couple of guys too. They're like, Jim, did you lose all your money's wealth? No. So why don't you have any clothes? Yeah, they're just there. I got a whole closet full. I was hanging out with Benelbaum last night.

I've got two jackets. He believed, the Spaniard also believed the colony's moral laxity was most apparent in its women who, quote, approach announcing the price at which they sell their favors. Favors like, do you need help cleaning? I have $14 for me, pussy.

How are you? Welcome. This is eight. These are four. That's two. What's your name? So where are you from? Where are you from? Do you want to go ahead and fuck me?

Jesus Christ. I mean, you guys are the most insane country ever. I mean, I thought we were bad. We were just killing everybody. You guys were fucking having a party. It's better. It's just a nonstop party.

It's better. Thank God, meth didn't come. Yeah. And then, the ship of meth came. Oh, toothless set sail. They're just smoking their eye teeth out. Oh, God. Despite all this, the colony was becoming

prosperous in appearance, with stately homes bringing up, agriculture expanded, and the threat of famine receded. And Australia had its first baby boom. Less and less people would naked? Well, but it was also, even though there are people naked,

there's clearly a lot of drunken Irishmen around. On some levels, it's exceeding with the farms. So, well, it's like America. So, there's a bunch of rich people, and then there's a bunch of people with no clothes on. But eventually, being naked became

like smoking in restaurants. So, it was like, do you want clothes? Do you want naked? Where do you want to... Smoking on? Oh, let's put a handkerchief down before you sit down. Oh, sorry. Fancy. I want you to boss him on the seat.

Okay, so there was a baby boom, because everyone was drunk and naked. It's pretty hard to figure that one out. Yep. Just everyone's like, you're naked, I'm naked. Should we just put it in there? Also, when it was just like a peck or something, you know?

It was like accidental, like, my God, I think I just depregnated you. So sorry. I'm Daryl. Booze came to Australia, and then there were a bunch of babies. That's how it happened. They began opening up shops and taverns,

so stuff started to happen. It was becoming an actual place to be. Pie face. Pie face. And then soon there would be Maccas. Sure, there would be upcoming fights with the Aboriginal people, but they were...

they were moving past there where starving to death phase. They were actually becoming a colony. It's happening. There was no threat of it ending now. Of course, there were still naked people. Fewer and fewer, though.

We'll go back to the guy who stole the hair. I was hoping we would. There's a good indication of how things went. John Nichols was an assistant with a hair merchant before he took his sweet load of hair and was arrested. He was married

to a woman on one of the transport ships. I like to think he was bald and had a hot date that night. Yeah. Gotta get me some hair. Oh, look. It's just a big pile. Hmm.

If only there was some powder. I've got chicken! We're good, we're good, we're good. So he married a woman on one of the transport ships, married Carol, but then she was sent to another colony, and that was the end of that marriage. He was sentenced to seven years

at Botany Bay for stealing the hair. He was on one of the first fleet ships. He settled in July 1791 on a 30-acre grant at Prospect Hill. He was described as a former gardener and had two of his acres cultivated by December. He frequently was robbed

by the runaway convicts who plundered him incessantly. That seems that was a common problem. Yeah. They're like rodents. Come on! Fuck! I wish it wasn't just a hair thief. You keep plundering!

Stop plundering! Enough! Nichols was a victim of runaway soldiers in August 1793 who entered his house and held him prisoner while they hid there overnight. By the mid-1800, Nichols lived on a 60-acre farm at Prospect,

which he had bought from another colonist. He had 40 acres in wheat with 12 ready for planting corn. He owned a horse and 34 hogs. He's a successful farmer, and he supported one woman, a child, six free men, and two convicts.

He was buried and pew a convict, and they had several children in the following years. He was recorded in subsequent years as a landholder of various properties by grant and purchase and still a gardener. He died in December 1822,

and he was buried at Sydney age 67, and he had 12 children. So, by this time, it's kind of working out. The guys who had come on the first ship, sure, there's naked Irish people over the place, but a lot of people are getting their shit together. But they're like a gang now, not a population.

But you also need the naked Irish people, because you need workers. Yeah, but you don't need naked Irish people. I mean, you need their skills. Look, the moral... You can throw a handkerchief over their dick. The moral of the story is, is steel hair.

Nothing's anything wrong with being bald and I apologize for my lost command. Sorry. Sorry. Great origin story. You guys should be really proud. Now, Gareth knows about your history. I don't know how you guys feel about it.

You guys know that stuff, because it's... I mean, you didn't know that, right? It's fucked up. It's phenomenal. The problem, I guess we both have now, is that as a... As both countries,

we were there second, but you can't leave. Because I guess the indigenous people in both of our countries, the actual solution would be to just go, sorry, and everyone goes. We were misled.

Yeah, my bad. And then... But we can't, and then that's where we're at now. Yeah. That's pretty much where we're at now, yeah. Well, I decided not to go into all the killing of the native peoples, because...

I didn't have a lot of fingers about this. It's... Jesus. We'd find them. We'd find them. It's a fun space to play in. And I want to say, there were so many people that were like, you got to do it about the emu war. The emu war.

And then I read up on it, I'm like, well, that'd be a great 12-minute podcast. The emu war? Yeah, there's emu war against birds. Congratulations, guys. That's when you're scraping the bottom of the barrel for battles. Let's fight birds!

They killed the goat! That's it. You going to be anywhere? You got any gigs to... I feel like they're going to kill me. Oh, did you want your handkerchief back? There were lots, huh? Did you? I've already sort of fallen in love with the look.

I get it now. I'll be at the imperial at 11.15 tonight. He's so... He's so over the flapper's joke. He's like, if I see one more goddamn flapper's joke online, I'm going to kill somebody. Oh.

We should say we're selling those posters. We're going to sell posters out of the show. James Fosdijk did an Australian Down Under poster, which we'll be selling out there. I just realized we don't have change. That'll be good. And in my show, Hothead... I mean, there's 450 of you

here tonight, so if it's not sold out, you're a bunch of cunts. I don't know how else to say that. I think I said that right. You said that right. Very diplomatic. And then... I'll be on TV. I'm filming

a Crackers International show. It's Sydney. So I think it's going to air in June. And that's just where you eat a bunch of saltines, right? Well, we just... It's not that. We discuss our international crackers. And yours. And you guys have one called Shapes.

Which is the laziest fucking name of any cracker of all time. It's just called at Shapes. Could you call anything that? Yeah, you can call anything Shapes. Anything can be called Shapes. But we'll try the chicken ones. That's not the point.

How's your racist beer? Uh, good. Did you ever get your Asahi? Or did you get a different kind? It's purebites. It's a low carb. If you want an Asahi, we can cross the river out there. We are going to walk to China. And I appreciate you guys coming.

Thank you very much. Thank you guys.