The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 76 - Australian Exorcists - live w/ Wil Anderson

Episode Date: April 26, 2015

Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by Wil Anderson to examine Australian exorcism SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCHPATREON

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This keeps getting awkward. What? Oh, a revolution! A heretic! We could dollop about that. Is there security? Can we have her escort it out? What? She's the right one. I mean I've never been on someone's side more. It seems like we went from like two to seven thousand. We know the two most important facts. She knows my name and has great boobs. Here's the other thing, I have pretty nice boobs myself. It's true. It is true. Well, this is awkward. Hi everybody. Thank you for having us. Yep. Your city's great. It's wet. Thanks for having all the rain the two days I'm gonna be here. I just want to thank you guys for that. Yeah, it's great. I've

seen it mostly in a car, in a tunnel. It's been glorious. Just magical. Don't look at me anymore. By the way, Gary works out in... I'll go fuck yourself. In the room and the places we're staying. He works out in his... I don't want great boobs. And he grunts and makes noise. I pump myself up. I'll be like, come on buddy. Say shit like that. It's uncomfortable for people. Me. It's uncomfortable for me. So that's the show. Did you guys like it? See, it's not even an anecdote? No, we're doing a four minute podcast. It's really bad. It went really bad. Let's bring up your guest. You guys have never seen this person before. He's clearly a

surprise guest. You have no idea who he is because we walked through the crowd with him. Ladies and gentlemen, the People's Choice Award winner, Will Anderson. Just to update you, she has great boobs. Hello. It's weird to say hello because we've just been hanging out, but hello. It's great to see you. Are you guys using your stands? I'm just gonna fucking say what happens. I like that attitude, bro. He's about to shout a date. I'm not gonna do anything. Why would you think that? It's not how I did this. That's how you're and what's happened. I was gonna say. November 2006, spoilers, Sydney. Was it raining?

Father Jeremy Davies of London's Westminster Archdiocese arrived in Sydney. Okay. The grey-haired 74-year-old was the co-founder of the International Association of Exorcists in Rome. Oh fuck me. That's not good. Well all I know so far is he got in so he didn't come by boat. Waiting for him were 27 other priests including Bishop Julian Portois. I should have looked that one up. The auxiliary Bishop of Sydney. Anybody know how to say his name? Right. You're the right crowd. Portois it is. Portois. He was second only to Cardinal George Pell in the Sydney Archdiocese. Is he one of the diddlers? Is he the

diddler that had his church got burned down? No, unfortunately. The night's young. He's a terrible person. George Pell, I'll give you a context for George Pell. He is now working for the Pope, you know, in Rome and but he once said that he came out against climate change because he'd seen no proof that this is a guy who works for God. But I'm still not convinced by that climate change. I'm pretty sure that burning bush is a message from God. Not a result of a drawing out of it. You know what? On this one, I'm gonna need proof. On this one right here. Okay. For the next two days, Father Davies led a secret forum on the ancient rite of

exorcism. The rite. The expulsion of demons and evil spirits from those who fear they are possessed. Like Tony Abbott. He doesn't fear it though. He soaks in it. Well, he eats an onion. He eats a fucking onion. A crazy asshole. Who? Who eats an onion? Here we go. Knowing they made a horrible mistake and can keep that face. That's not human. A normal person's like, oh, fuck, that's an onion. But he's like, the worst thing about it for me is that like I live in America some of the time now and sometimes in America, they will make fun of us because they're like, oh, you're just America, but like five years on and I'm always like, no, we're an

independent country and we make our own decisions and then fucking five years later, we've got our own George W. Bush. It's true, but what'll be funny, it'll be like in five years if we're all eating onions in the States. He'll be like, say, we are trend setters. Blumen onions. Yeah. Which is, you guys have those everywhere here. The rumors were true. Oh man. Just like the Outback. It was done quietly, Bishop Portois said. Oh boy. Bishop say that about a lot of stuff. Some of those who attended were not officially exorcists, but I brought together those who had some involvement in the area, priests who work in this area have little support

and so I wanted them to reflect and talk about it. That must have been kind of awkward. Must have been a great meeting. Yeah. What I like about that too is there is still like within the exorcist community, a hierarchy. Do you know what I mean? Some people are like, are you an official exorcist? You know what? I've just been kicking around the amateur league for a while, but you know, I might get my stripes soon. Well, there's just some guy there who's like, no, my church is just doing bad. They're like, watch us suck a ghost out of this woman. Suck a ghost out. I'm a doctor. I am a doctor. I paid $40 to have a ghost sucked out of me.

And I need that money. That was the sexist. Please, if there is a sex worker listening, please do it. I beg of you. Do a blowjob where your head turns around. That would be great for doggy style. Like how you doing back there? You good? I'm much longer. I'm going to go the other way. Tell me that split pea soup. And it always ends by coming down the stairs. We have spawn guys. The reason for Father Davies visit was that a growing number of people have been approaching the church to seek help in expelling what they believe are demonic spirits. This was 2006. Australia 2006. We were talking about America, but we're not.

Yeah. Many of these people who approach the church for exorcism have got involved with various New Age or occult practices. Shocking. Says the bishop. What starts off seemingly innocuous and not creating any difficulties at some stage turns dark. They start to experience quite frightening personal phenomena and it is at this stage that they turn for help. The bishop sees a link between the growing demand. By the way, it says bishop whatever his name is. I'm just changing it to the fucking bishop. Yeah. More badass. The bishop sees a link between the growing demand for exorcism and the spiritual adventurism of young

Australians. He says the growth of non-christian alternative relaxation techniques like yoga. Stretch it out. Get the devil in there. Get the devil in there. You feel that. You feel that burn? That's a demon. Now let's play some traditional Australian music. Devil inside. Devil inside. So this is what the young Australians are getting into. Right? Raikey? What is Raikey? Raikey. That's like Raikey. It's like a spiritual healing technique where I don't think you touch the other person. It's like about energies or something. Raikey. No, no, no. Don't Raikey me. No, I don't want to be Raikey. Stop trying to Raikey me. It's

what New Age spiritual kids play in the backseat of a car. No, I'm not Raikey. Keep Raikey. I'm not Raikey you. I'm not Raikey you. That's what a yogi does in the backyard in autumn. They raikey the leaves. How come Will didn't come up with that one? That would have been a perfect Will joke. I was working on this one, the country western song Aiky Raikey Heart. Yoga, Raikey, as well as tarot cards, fortune-telling, and seances pose temptations that could invite demonic trouble. He also points a finger at popular culture saying Harry Potter books in films. Yeah. Bingo. And the vampire themed

Twilight series have revived curiosity with the supernatural. True, man. Kids are the enemies, shocker. While Twilight and Harry Potter are not themselves demonic, they can lead to a fascination in this world and young people can be drawn and become more attracted to these things and have, you know, interesting ideas and creative stuff happen inside of them. Well, Twilight is full of bad messages, right? Isn't it about a thousand-year-old pedophile? Yeah, basically. Right. There's like a vampire who's like a thousand years old and he just cruises high school for fucking taking those chits. And then there's like a werewolf thing that

someone gets fucked and then has their own baby. Yeah, yeah, someone's fucking a wolf and a bat. It's something like that, right? It was written by a Mormon. Some pale girls. Go ahead. By a Mormon lady and it's all about abstinence except for all the fucking. Other than that, though. What? Other than that, it's perfect. Yeah. The Bishop believes the challenge is real and says the church needs to respond by training more exorcists. So great. What the fuck? Because of Harry Potter? Look. We need more exorcists. Shit is happening in fucking Australia. It needs to be dealt with. The Bishop, who has performed dozens of

exorcisms himself, recently appointed an official exorcist to his Sydney arch diocese. I mean, this guy's gonna be a fucking lunatic. I would like to normalize rather than sensationalize the Ministry of Exorcism. Uh-huh. That's not conflicting. Let me rationalize pulling demons out of people. Just give you a little context for it. You know what? I would just like to say pulling demons out of people is no big deal. Yeah. Just something everybody's doing now. It would be a good if the Ministry of Exorcism were established in the dioceses. Fuck. Dioceses. Dioceses. But there's four of them. So it's dioceses. Around us. Right.

That's the dioceses. Thank you. Around Australia and priests were appointed who had the competency to carry it out. Exorcists say that the signs of a demonic present can include someone speaking in a language they know nothing of, abnormal physical strength, and a violent aversion to cross, a violent version to the cross and other images of the Catholic faith. That's kind of you. Oh, yeah. No, I haven't found anything to debate with so far. Let Dave suck a ghost out of you then. It's really good at it.

Who you gonna call? Ghost suckers. Dave and a friend of no ghosts. Oh, ghosts. Casper. Do you shout Casper when you? No. Nope. I shout thank you. There are some Catholics including in this clergy who are very skeptical about all this fucking whishholes. Yeah. Apparently there's some priests are like this is stupid. Again, it's just where they're ruling their line on stupid things they believe. Still going with the flood where there was only one family, but this is where I draw my life. Oh, this sounds crazy. A man made earth in seven days.

That's Bishop Peter Elliott of the auxiliary bishop of the Archdiocese of Melbourne said that. So now we're getting Melbourne into it. I can understand. I said Melbourne. Yeah, I'm leaving soon. But you did it right or wrong? I'm using the born. Yeah, I'm getting out of here. I can understand where they're coming from, but I think they are naive. Yep. Given that, yep, they're naive for sure. You're you're not. Given this debate, it's not surprising that exorcists in Australia have traditionally shunned publicity. We have had a sort of a torpor in our torpor. Yeah. Yeah. I don't even know what that word means. I don't need it. I went

to college. I know people don't believe this, but I did go to college. What's torpor mean to you are torpor? I mean, it's like a darkness or an impending cloud. Isn't it like a torpor? Oh, like my dad. We have had sort of a torpor. I like that he said that so fucking confidently too. I was like stumbling around like in the general area like I know it's a word. Yeah. Well, I said, yeah, too. So you were like, I have a partner, worst case scenario, and I had nothing. I was like, goodbye, Will. I just thank God that a lot of people are waking up to it now, says Father Gregory Jordan, who is Brisbane's official exorcist. Oh, Jesus.

A lot of them up there. There's so many that you need to have like each city needs a guy. Yeah, they have they have one in each each. Good. Just to be safe. Father Jordan is one of the only of a handful of officially appointed exorcists in the Catholic Church in Australia. There's one in Sydney, but his identity remains secret. Oh my God, I fucked up. No, that's like Batman. Well, you can't let any secret identity excite you. Listen to what's happening. So good. He's exorcism man. Were his parents killed in front of him by a ghost? Yeah, by ghosts, says it right here on the official. These guys are exchanging money. Oh, what's going on?

Put it over there. Did you guys make a way to run part of this? I told you they would have no torpor. Seemed like a weird bet at the time, but I feel very validated. Now you guys know each other, right? Because you're wearing a mutant ninja turtle shirt, and he's wearing a Mario Brothers shirt. If you guys don't know each other, go get pizza after this. You're gonna have a lot of things in common. Bishop Portois says he does not know how many official exorcists there are in Australia because no one keeps figures. What? That's fucking insane. How can you do that? But ideally he would like to see more, a lot more, ideally for

one of each of 32 Australia's 32 dioceses. So he wants 32, one in each. So he's basically sitting up a franchise. Yeah, he needs like a manager at each place. It's like a pie face. He's like there's a gap in the market now that they shut down all those pie faces. And then we're gonna set up exorcisms. Oh, I would love it if it became so popular. They were just little shops on the street and guys were like, hey, you want your exorcism today, buddy? You want an exorcism? Put your demon sucked out of you, you know what I'm saying? You said exorcism, right? Yeah, yeah, get your demon sucked out of you. Because your

gesture is sort of... Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is how we do it now. It's a demon exorcism. All right, I'm gonna say you had a both. Yeah. You want for an extra 10 bucks? You can demon on my face. What? That's what we call the exorcism. Oh, yes. Last year, the Vatican formerly recognized the International Association of Exorcists. How can you have faith anymore in that? Once they say that, how can you not be like, well, they're fucking nuts. They're just nuts. They let smoke out of a chimney when there's a pope and now this. At least they're, you know, getting demons out of people while they dittle boys. I'm sorry.

Did I just make a factually based statement? No, I think it's more like everyone in the room thought you gave them an idea. Like now we have a cover story. No, this is how you get the demons out. Yeah, oh my god. I need to make more house calls. Your boys very sick. We're gonna be in here for a while with the exorcism. You know what? The exorcism is gonna take place up in your lake at a camp for about six days. I'm gonna need some oil. Holy oil. Oh, yeah, holy oil. We've really hit that fast, right? It's like, for the first 10 minutes, we're like,

all right, we're in. They are pedophiles. Is that clear? Well, just for the record on that, though, and I know it seems mean because of course, like, they're not all pedophiles. No, but in Melbourne recently, there's a like a vandal, a vigilante who's burning down like a series of churches. I think they've done like four or five churches and they've all been churches that had prominent pedophiles in those churches, so they think they're a vigilante. Go ahead. It's just a little nickname I have for prominent pedophiles. Anyway, back to P squared. They had the spokesperson for the church on the radio and they said, if we need to worry

about other churches, you know, that have had prominent pedophiles in them, which ones that we do need to know. And the spokesperson from the church said, well, most of them. That was the person from the church. A person needed some PR training before that interview. Most, most. It's a hobby, so it's like, you know, train sets. It's like Mario. Okay, so they recognize the International Association of Exorcisms, which has 250 priests in 30 countries and was co-founded by Father Davies and Italian priest Gabrielle Amarth, who claims to have personally rid the world of 160,000 demons. Oh, but that's just so non-factually,

but like I could say that. Yeah, that's a night up number. Yeah, 100. Like who's having sleeping count on that? Yeah, he's got a little book and you know, after each accident, he opens it up and puts a little check mark. That's like drive through exorcisms. You're just fucking moving fast. He just drives by with a little holy water and a cross. The demon is out of you. Here's your holy water. See you later. Thanks. You're the number four, right? Very few priests know how to conduct an exorcism and they are only allowed to do so after being granted permission by a bishop. This shortage of exorcists is a global one. Oh, by the way,

also, I love the fact that they have the nerve to mock Harry Potter. Because all the shit that you're reading is as much sense as that shit. But anyway, go on. And then Dumbledore pulls someone out of the hat. I don't know either reference. I was like working on a quidditch joke, but I was like, I got nothing. So I quidditched it. Oh, pointer Gryffindor. I believe might be a reference. I'm officially out. I'm officially I don't know either. I know Gargamel. Was that the right to keep reading, keep reading, keep reading, keep reading, keep reading. To many bishops are not taking this seriously and are not delegating their priests in the fight

against the devil says Father Amorth. You have to hunt high and low for a proper trained exorcist. Case in point, January 1993 Antwerp, Australia. Antwerp is a small town in Victoria, Australia in the Shire of Hindmarsh. Shires, they have hobbits. Again, I got nothing. Hindmarsh. It is what? Hindmarsh. This is awkward. I'm just saying if that guy can correct me, I can correct you. I think you might have demons in you. Puncture. No, you and your correct language. Demonic. See, when a word's wrong, it's the language's fault today. It's a stupid word. 356 kilometers. Northwest of Melbourne. The area was first settled by

Europeans in 1846 for sheep grazing. In 1858, two Moravian missionaries, Reverend Frederick Heinau. Sorry, he has family. And the Reverend Spiky Teeth arrived in the area by 18. What was the second guy's name? Actually, let's hear both again just to be safe. Reverend Frederick Heinau and Reverend Spiky Teeth. I don't know anything about them other than what you've said, but they feel like a mismatched couple. Yeah. Just a couple of, they're a couple of bros who found God and then decided to head to a really tiny place in Australia. Great. Just a couple of guys way outside the city. Oh no, no. Wait a minute. A couple of reverends. Getting a house together. That's all, that's

all that's going on. Just a couple of bros. Oh boy. Outside the city. I mean, I think we might have already done our material for the rest of the podcast. You know, just one, just a one bedroom place out in Antwerp. By 1859, they had built a church and in 1860, they baptized their first aborigine. Yay. Congratulations. That worked out great for that guy, I'm sure. The first one was probably like, what is happening right now? What the fuck is going on? Sure. You can dunk me in water. During the 1880s, the township became known for a distilling eucalyptus oil, which was sold under the brand name EMU. Large grain silos were built there in

the 1950s. Social infrastructure reflected the larger population in the early years, which included a hall built in 1904, a Methodist church and sports facilities, including an oval and tennis courts at a recreation reserve across the river. The town previously. An oval? Yeah, that's for sports. I know, I know, I know. I just want to, I just want to, I know. An oval. And a triangle? I'm starting, want to go play round. Have you guys seen the oblong? We're gonna go play rectangle. Hey, meet the octagon. Well, that's fighting. Dodecahedron? Oh boy. That's where ultimate fighting's going. It's an actual thing. Welcome to the Dodecahedron.

Tonight, one night only. Will Gareth score at the Dodecahedron? Okay, tennis and rowing clubs. I want to know more about this sport I'm playing. However, today, Antwerp is not what it was. Antwerp is hardly a township now at all. In reality, it can hardly be called the town. It is no more than a grain silo, a general store at about six houses stuck in the middle of the Wumerra. The grain silo is currently not utilized. The local school closed in 1981, although the tennis club is still competing, according to Wikipedia. I probably should spake out for the baby literacy instructor. I'm gonna say Wumerra. It's a Wumerra? Okay, whatever you

want to call it. Is the oval still there? Yeah, but it's a little round now. It's the worst when that happens. The ruins of the Ebenezer mission to Aborigines have been restored. It is the town's tourist attraction. That's gotta be great. This is where we just ruin their lives. Although there is a house that is an unofficial tourist destination, mostly if you're curious, youths. It is the home of Joan and Ralph Vollmer, or was. Ralph was a pig farmer. Joan began acting strangely in 1990. By September, Ralph had Joan admitted as an involuntary patient to a psychiatric hospital. She was diagnosed as schizophrenic and

depressed. Dramatic pause. Here come the chuckles. Yeah, I was like, I don't know. You guys are gonna believe where this goes. She had a rather rather rough childhood, and after three weeks of treatment, she was released, and they were advised her condition required ongoing medication. But Joan immediately stopped taking her medication after being released, and her problems continued to become worse. Three years later, in 1993, Ralph, Ralph became convinced his wife was possessed by demons due to her strange behavior, which included her using terribly filthy language. Acting like a prostitute. How do you act like a

bright like you're a prostitute? Yeah, that's a prostitute. What? Or maybe she was charging him. That's true. All right, that'll be 45. Sorry? Excuse me. You're my wife. Can I just get the ghost out? And she was also looking and sounding like a pig and a dog. Well, let's start there. What? Does it have any sense of proportion between which of the two she most resembled? Like, is it half and half? Like a top-deck chocolate? Oh, like, is that like a mixture of the two? Yeah, was she a pog? I think she grew, I think she grew a snout in the tail. A hairy tail. She grew a snout in the tail and could find truffles. She could find a lot of

truffles. Yeah. And she started eating her shit in the front yard. But wait, so she looked like a pig and acted like a dog. She looked and sounded like a pig and a dog. Say it would be better to be one or the other and have a sacred identity. Yeah. I would say be a dog by day. Rough, rough, rough. Oink. Oink, oink, oink. 45 for a fuck. The dog night rises. Pig dog. The Volmers had some local friends, Miss Leanne Reichenbach and her husband, John, and a David Klinger, whom they had met shortly after the Volmers arrived at Antwerp in 1987. They initially thought the salvation, initially through the Salvation Army, they met, and then later they became closer to do their

interest in the, go fuck. Charismatic movement. We should keep that going. Did you just look at me to find out what the charismatic movement is? This will has run dry. I usually, like, the charismatic movement? Yeah. Yeah, clapping. Oh, charismatic movement sounds like when George Clooney has a shit. Oh my, that is a charismatic movement. George, that just got nominated. It's a tremendous, tremendous, tremendous movement. But wait, sorry, so it's just clapping and waving your hands? It's a, it's a, it's a religious thing. It's a, it's a trend of mainstream congregations that are adopting beliefs and practices similar to Pentecostals. Oh good. Well, that's a good start. That's good to hear.

Fundamental to the movement is the use of spiritual gifts. Charismatic Christians believe that the gifts of the Holy Spirit are described in the New Testament and are available to contemporary Christians through the infilling or baptism of the Holy Spirit. These spiritual gifts are believed to be manifest in the forms of signs, miracles, and wonders, including, but not limited to, speaking in tongues, interpretation of in tongues, prophecy, healing, and discrimination of spirits. So kind of what she's doing. So she is speaking in tongues, and then down here it says they really like speaking in tongues. Thank you for that bottom lining. I'm back in, baby. So, so wait, okay, keep going. Okay, so they're, they're the hand clapping ones you see, like on a true detective. They're like that, that sort of thing. So naturally Ralph turned to his like-minded friends. He enlisted the help of Leanne Reichenbach, 31 at the time, and David Klinger,

then 28. Together they would rid Joan of demons. Their exorcism began a week before her January, before January 23, 1993, and involved lots of praying and forcibly keeping her inside the house. Like a dog. Much like a dog. She's acting like a dog. Yeah. You want to go outside you beg? I don't know her. I'm not. Is she here? Sweet God. I mean, Ralph. Oink. $45. On one occasion she was tied to a chair. Okay. When Joan violently resisted being restrained, Ralph went a step further and used her stockings to also tie her feet to the boards to restrict her further movement. Look, they're trying to help her. David said they had decided to strap Joan to the chair because she had been throwing herself on the floor

and lying in a sexual position. Well, she's a prostitute. And a pig. But also, how can you lie on the floor and not be in a sexual position? That's true. That's a good point. It's true. I'm trying to think of one. Anyone is presenting. I can't think of one position you're laying on the floor where I can't fuck you. I'll be fucked in return. He claimed the demon was getting strength from this legs apart position. There you go. So that's a classic demon thing. If a woman parts her legs on the floor, she's inviting a demon in. That's what I was taught as a child in sex ed class.

David said that while Joan was tied to the chair, he was forcibly holding her eyelids back by pulling the skin up to the bone. Jesus Christ. So she could see the presence of the Lord. He's clockwork-oranging her. Well, she needs to look at the Lord. Yeah, we'll really take a fucking look. She doesn't want to miss the Lord. You're on the side of him now?

No, I was doing it with irony. I love you. This went on for days. She was tied to a chair for days? Her eyes being pried open to see the Lord. Or else she would lay on the floor and try and get fucked. By Friday... Not good options.

By Friday, January 29, 1993, Ralph, Leanne and David conceded the methods they were using were not working. Shocking. It just sounds like a kidnapping. I'm shocked it didn't work. Well, I mean, you know, kudos to them for admitting they were wrong. I mean, they explored a hypothesis and it didn't work out, but you know what? There's no such thing as a bad idea. No, it's not. Joan, we were in the other room. We've been talking. We don't know what the fuck we're doing. Get on the floor.

So Joan, they believe, was still possessed. So they decided to call in the big guns. Okay. Time to stop fucking around. Get someone who can stop this shit. Enter 22-year-old Matthew Nusky. I am. At the time, he was an assistant greenkeeper at the Ringwood Golf Course. This dude must have really punched up his resume.

No, mate, this is like the fucking karate kid. Like, he's just a young fucking kid from the blocks that no one expects. It's a Cinderella story. I know how to drive around in a little car and pick up golf balls. All right, want to get a demon out of a woman? He's not even the greenkeeper. He's an assistant. I know how to watch someone drive a car and pick up golf balls. Really good at it.

Matthew's mother, Kathy, had recommended him as an exorcist, even though he had never performed an exorcism. I mean, bless your mum for believing in you. Yeah, yeah. He's never done it, but I think he could. He's going to be a natural. You keep saying you want to be an exorcist, and you're not doing anything about it.

Well, I found some people. You know how you say you hate your job at the golf course? You know, I was talking to Jenny at the Vegas, and she was saying they have a ghost. They have an opening for an exorcist. Literally. Matthew Nusky arrived at the Volmer House on the morning of Saturday, January 30th,

and he got to work. The first thing he did was ask Ralph for some cling film so he could run around the house with it seven times. Were there leftovers? To perform a protective shield to ward off spirits. I mean, how little do you think of spirits? Yeah, but right then they know they're dealing with a professional. No, it's like how cats break out when they hear aluminium foil.

Like, it's the same thing with ghosts. They just cling film. If they know about the cling film, go through the wall. It's the only thing they can't go through. And tupperware. That's all you need for a ghost. It sticks to them, and then it gets all folded up, and they're like, God damn it.

I'm never going to get out of this. Also, is he getting paid for this exorcism? No, I don't think so. Because if I was going to get an exorcism, even if he's not done his own one, I'm putting it on fucking cling film. Yeah, that's true. What if I didn't have a cling film?

You're lucky I do. Okay, good. That's important. That's integral. Oh, that's because that's the first thing I have to do. So thank God you have some, or this whole thing would be fucked. Guys, shout up at number every time I do a lap. I'm going to do seven. One! I'm going to be playing oval.

The other ones are just standing around going, man, he's really good. Look at him go. This is a really great exorcism. You know, he's never done this before. He's never done this before. Look at him. Hard to believe. Kathy, Kathy was right. Her boy is darn good. Matthew quickly took the leadership role

in the exorcism process. He ordered several of Jones' most treasured processions to be destroyed. Smart. I mean, at 22 he's got some swing. Yeah, he really does. He's really going for it. We love. Break it.

This is my first time, but I'm sure this was what works. Yeah. That's her collection of little ceramic dolls. Smash, smash, smash. Yeah. Now to treat the ghosts like leftovers. Well, he believed that the demons were living in the possession. So, there you go. So why would you say he's being logical?

Well, no, go bury him far away or something. Cut him into four pieces and bury him on different continents. Or just get... Or also just get the demons out of the possession. Yeah, you're an exorcist. Isn't his whole job to get demons out of this? Oh, no, I can get him out of a person, but I can't get him out of a toy doll.

Or it's like Ghostbusters where he's just got the one thing and he's like, I can keep one. So we're going to smash these. Why don't you just smash her? I'm sorry, keep going. Hold on. They started the exorcism at about 1 p.m. on Saturday. It was a 40 degree day.

That's 104 for American listeners. A chair was placed in the center of the non-air conditioned kitchen and the struggling Joan was forced to sit in it. Ralph had one of his wife's legs between his legs and was holding one arm. Leanne had the other leg between her legs and Matthew was holding the other arm and David was holding her head from behind.

Leanne then identified itself as Princess Joan. That's her childhood fantasy coming out of her. Hey, I'm Princess Joan. You've caught me. It's so weird that your name is Joan. Actually, your real name is Joan. Wait. Her name is Joan.

Wait, when you say identification, so Joan is saying that, right? Joan is saying she's Joan. So Joan's just bad at improv. Yeah, she's just like, I'm Princess Joan. Fuck Joan. Come on, any other name, Joan. So Matthew there, the whole world, Joan's like,

you know what, they've had me strapped to a chair for three fucking days. My eyes have been, like, let's see if Amy Poehler's any good at improv if they torture her for three days before her. Let's see Will Ferrell roof some shit at the fucking Oscars after we waterboard him backstage. Fuck you.

My heart goes, that's the Princess Joan. Matthew then contacted the Lord in front of everyone. He called them, right? Yeah. What year was it? It was the late 90s. What? Yeah, late 90s. It was the mid-90s.

It would have myspaced him. Or Friendster, did you guys have Friendster? That was the first one. Probably Friendster the Lord. He was in the top eight on MySpace. Matthew then contacted the Lord in front of everyone and the Lord confirmed Princess Joan's presence in Joan. Well, yep, yep, you're right, Matthew.

That's Joan in Joan. You fucking nailed it. Now, maybe you don't have this information or you would have already shared it, in any sense of how the Lord communicated that it was Joan inside Joan? Well, Matthew just went up and went like, Hey, Lord, is that Joan in there?

Yes. I mean, he was just talking to Matthew. So I assume the Lord went, Yeah, man, that's her. Weren't you just working at a golf course? I had a different path for you. It involved something much more simpler. Grass.

They decided to forcibly remove the demon. They began by squeezing and pushing up from Joan's womb with the intention of pushing it out through her mouth. Now, that's just a classic exorcism. Where you try to push it. Like, how dumb do you think a demon is? Oh, no, the womb's sticking in. Oh, you're pushing me out, demon.

It's not as womby in here anymore. You should get out of here. You should roll. There's a divide in the crowd about that one. That was the set. It was almost like you didn't want to applaud, but you were. Like a demon was making you do it. Leanne was pushing the spirit from Joan's stomach up through her body towards her mouth

when David said the demon was in Joan's neck. So they're treating her like a tube of toothpaste that's almost out of toothpaste, really. Just like, don't let it drip down. We've almost got it. We've come this far. Curl her legs. Curl her legs up. Roll her legs up. Roll her up from the womb. There we go. Yeah, roll from the womb. David then forced it up from there to the chin area.

It then took 20 minutes. Oh, God. Oh, no. What? I just, I feel like this... To move the demon up to his wife's tongue, David then put his fingers in the side of Joan's mouth and forced her jaw down so Leanne could... No, no, no, no.

Grab Joan's tongue. No, no, fucking way. This is all very normal medical stuff. Medical? I know what's about to happen. This is doctor stuff. After a few minutes of Leanne and David having their finger in Joan's mouth, they finally released the demon. Matthew is saying, they're released!

And Joan confirmed it. All the demons were gone. I'm not a princess anymore. And so was Joan. Her thyroid cartilage had been fractured, which caused her to have a heart attack and die. I mean, what an unfortunate coincidence. On a day of such a miracle, for such a sadness to happen, on that exact same day.

So they broke her things and then they broke her. That's the whole thing, just... Well, they got the demon out. Yeah. I don't know why you guys are looking at the negative. That's like a guy going, well, here's the good news. I got rid of the cockroaches. Here's the bad news. I burnt down your house.

Thank you very much. I'll see ya. I used to work at a golf course. So... It was real easy. I'd just let your house on fire. Yeah, the cockroaches are gone. I'll see ya. When Joan stopped thrashing and spewing her filthy words, everyone assumed they had successfully exercised the demon or demons. They waited for her to spring back to life, demon-free.

And they waited. They weren't concerned that it didn't happen immediately. Figuring resurrections take time. Sure, we've all read the journals. So they got out their Bibles. But also, you know there's got to be that conversation where everyone thought it was going to be really immediate and then it's taking a little bit of time,

and one turns the other way. So what do we do if she doesn't... No, no, it probably takes her. She's got a demon in her. Yeah, she's exhausted, but it's been 35 minutes. And she's bluish. Get ready, gentlemen. That's not enough?

They weren't concerned that it didn't happen immediately. Figuring resurrections take time. So they got out their Bibles and prayed around the body for two days. Oh, my God. Oh, my fucking God. Hang on. Are you telling us the story they best wake into Bernie's on? Because if they end up dragging her around... Joan, how are you?

Joan seems fine. I just bought her jet ski. Remember, it's 104 degrees. So just a few people hanging around a body in 104-degree weather. Totally normal. Leanne Clugston, 78, who had been offering exorcism advice to the exorcism team over the phone from a rainbow home for several days, got a message from the Lord to go out and lay hands on Joan.

She went to the Fulma property on Sunday where she saw Ralph, Leanne, and David sitting at the kitchen table reading Bibles and praying. Praying really hard now. Please, Lord, please, Lord. Double down, double down. This could be categorized as murder, Lord. Please, Lord, please. Just so we're aware of the count, there's Leanne and her husband,

Matthew and his mom, Ralph, David, and now Leigh, who all know about the exorcism. So that's seven people involved in this fucking thing. They should have hired the main greenskeeper, the head greenskeeper. That guy probably would have been way better. Couldn't afford him. That was the thing. He had a corporate exorcism.

Leigh went to the bedroom and laid her hands on Joan and commanded her to rise and walk. Joan did not rise and walk. Leigh left and thought about it. Hmm. She might be dead. She didn't get up. Then on Monday, two days after the death,

Leigh told her local minister who went to the farm and called a doctor. Why would you call a fucking doctor? But also two days, right? Is that how long she thought about it? Like, two days, she's like, me is, um, you know what? Yeah. I'm gonna get a doctor over here. See if he can perform CPR.

Now Ralph was still convinced that he'd done nothing wrong and that he was just doing what was necessary to help his wife. He told the police who interviewed him that his wife would rise from the dead and was happy to describe to them what happened during the exorcism. Sure, we killed her. She'll be back in two, three days. Totally dead ripped out of time.

You can arrest me, but Joe's gonna be on you and she's just walking in here to get me out. I'll be out by the end of the day. She'll bail me out. She's alive. I mean, she's bubbling over there, but she'll come back. She'll actually represent me in the trial. Goodbye, Princess Joan. Hello, lawyer Joan. On an all-new lawyer Joan.

Your honor, a former princess... I mean, just for the record, we've also pitched the most popular show in America for popular shows, or law shows, and zombie shows. And if we could come up with a show where someone comes back from the dead... Zombie lawyer? Brains, brains, brains, brains, brains, brains, brains.

Brains, brains, brains. Your honor... He's got a good objection. Your honor, he's eating the witness. I'll allow it. That may be my favorite moment of the dollar. Ever. I think we may have to quit now. Oh, my God.

Police asked Ralph if the pressure being applied to Joan's neck would have hurt her, to which Ralph replied, my word. I'm offended by that question, sirs. Of course. It would have hurt my wife terribly, but it wasn't my wife. We weren't dealing with my wife in any way anymore. This is the whole point. See?

I wouldn't allow anything like that to happen to my wife. She wasn't my wife. She was an evil spirit that needed to be dealt with. I felt the spirits released. I'm using my own accent because I can't do Australia. Just so you know, I can't do Australia. You know what the best thing about that is, now I'm picturing. The timelines are all wrong for this,

but what I love is the idea that in a different timeline, he's panicked, because he said my wife so many times, it felt like Bora had just come out six weeks beforehand, and this guy's like, I fucked up. So he's gone, my wife! Very nice. My wife! We weren't dealing with my wife.

He only killed a princess. Isn't that a worse crime? I just love that the cops must have been like, what? The question they asked him is such a softball. They were just like, would it have killed her if you strangled her? And he was like, well, yeah. I bet it would have. But it wasn't her.

She was a pig demon. So you can't arrest me for killing a pig demon? Okay. Anyway, you guys hungry? Thirsty? Police then asked Ralph if the force being used on his wife could have caused her serious injury. Under normal circumstances, yes, if she was herself. I don't think she could have taken what she took.

I don't think she could have taken that sort of punishment. Not punishment. You know what? You know, force that was inflicted upon her. I'm willing to say, he's right. I don't think. Police asked if his wife had consented to the treatment, to which Ralph replied, no, certainly not.

Well, Ralph, this is starting to sound like a murder. Everything you're saying is not good. This is the quickest episode of law and order ever. Yeah. That was three and a half minutes. This episode of law and order is 30 minutes. It just had the one bum. Bum.

Bum. Ralph then told police that even though his wife was cold and stiff the day after the exorcism, he had confirmation from the Lord that she would be resurrected and that God would give her a new body because the old one was decomposing. Oh. Well, we're going to need to talk to this God guy.

Now, is this a story about the guy who invented wife swap? Okay. That's my wife. She's in there. She's laying there. I'm going to live with yours for a week. You know, the problem with Joan is she doesn't do chores. She's not good with the kids and she's not moving.

I mean, she's really not doing anything. Ralph went to live with a woman who was domineering and a business woman. Jeff went to live with a corpse. Jeff lived with the dead pig Joan. Jeff's like the boys like her, but I find her lifeless. The kids are responding. They're climbing on her, but honestly, I would love to post one where they sit down. Look, man, your wife's really mean and she told me what to do all the time.

And she wasn't nice. Your wife's dead. Don't you say that about my Joan. She's coming back. She loves it. I loved having Joan in the house. She really taught me the balance this household needs. She did not pipe up like the other one.

Before Joan, it was all about me. But now that I've spent time wiping her down and keeping her cold, I know how to take care of a woman. By the way, corpse is fart. That's not a complaint. But... Leanne told police that Joan needed to be held down because she was physically violent towards whoever was praying for her release from the demons,

you know, the people killing her. And that Joan needed to be slapped across the face. But she couldn't remember how many times and that while she had her fingers in Joan's mouth, the demon growled through her. Oh, that happens. The demon might have been Joan. Leanne said she was prepared to restrain Joan because, quote, I know where I stand in power and authority of the Lord Jesus Christ and his power

and his authority is much greater than the evil ones. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Said the murderers. Said the murderers. David told police that just before Ms. Volmer died, she was breathing heavily, salivating and making strange animal noises. Like a dog.

Like a choking to death person. I opened her mouth and Leanne put her finger on her tongue and we prayed again and eventually she started foaming at the mouth and groaning like a bull. Like a rabid dog. She had this hideous expression on her face. Her cheeks were sucked in and her chin and then her face turned a bright purpley color and then went white. Like, what happens when you kill someone?

Bright purpley. They said they gave her mouth to mouth and cardiac compression but there was absolutely no glimmer of life. He said that none of them rang an ambulance or doctor because the Lord kept promising them that he would return her. Look, we would call a doctor but I'm hearing stuff. Also, I love the idea of the Lord being like this dude who's not really getting back to him on like, do you mean like he's a guy who's like, yeah, I think I mailed that check

but I know she's coming back but I've just had a really busy week. I had to help Kanye win. Oh, this one went straight to voicemail. Lord, listen. Feels like. You know what, I'm going to get to that but Game of Thrones just started. But I'm going to get to Joan in a minute. Hold on now.

It's the weekend, bro. I'm the Lord. Today's my day. It's Sunday. You kidding me? It's Sunday. The Lord's Day. I wrote it in the Bible.

You shall rest. Anyway. I'm resting. She's resting. Leanne and David later wrote to their former pastor, Roger Atzee, seeking absolution for their role in the exorcism. The pastor had excommunicated Leanne and her husband, John, from the Lutheran congregation they were in in 1992

because of their extreme religious beliefs in relation. I mean, that's really saying something. You know, right? Get out of here. You're crazy. I mean, we're crazy but you're crazy. Anyway, we're the snakes. Yeah, someone get the snakes out and get these people out of here.

They're nuts. Let them bite you. Let them bite you. It's fine, gang. But not Joan and Leanne, fucking nutballs. In relation to our involvement in recent events, we would like to express our sorrow and seek your forgiveness where we have acted in the flesh outside of the will of God, said their letter.

We recognize that we can and do make mistakes and need God's grace and forgiveness. He did not give them. No, that did not happen. They did not get absolution. In February 1994, they were ordered to stand trial. Leanne, David were convicted of killing Miss Joan Volmer. Matthew Nusky was acquitted on the manslaughter charge

and Ralph Volmer was acquitted on his manslaughter charge as there was no evidence either of them had touched Miss Volmer's neck. What the fuck's wrong with your country? That's gotta be weird when he goes back to the golf course. Yeah, I tried, but... You know what? I'm better at flowers and grass. My mom wasn't right. She believed in me, but I couldn't make her drink.

I was living my mom's dream. I really was. I was living my mom's dream. I was living for my mom. I didn't want to be an exorcist. Anyway, a woman's dead. That's $8 for the bucket. So... Yeah, I murdered someone. How many tees? Well, let's say you got some putting demons.

We all got our demons, buddy. We all got our demons. Don't use a four-eye on your center! Sorry. I am so sorry. I have two jobs. My bad. Ralph was found guilty by the jury of recklessly causing his wife's serious injury in falsely imprisoning her, and Matthew was convicted of false imprisonment.

Okay, so good. Leanne was ordered to serve four months in jail. What? What? What? Four months. She killed someone, and she paid the price. Twenty months of her sentence was suspended.

David was jailed for three months, and within 50 months his sentence was suspended. What? Ralph and Matthew both walked free after being given a wholly suspended sentence of 16 months. What the fuck? You guys are awesome. I hope this is not representative of our system. Is this...

This is what's happening in your system. This is Australia's... It just sounds like America. It's such a relief. Just so refreshing. You guys are so right now like, I like the story about crazy America. Yeah. Years later, when contacted by a reporter,

Ralph Walmart are now married to his third wife, because who wouldn't... Who wouldn't marry that guy? So tell me about your ex. I choked her when I was getting a demon abber. What do you do for a living? I'm an accountant. What did you say?

My wife had a demon in her, and I choked it out of her and killed her and didn't spend a day in jail. Can I get the lobster? You bet you can. Did you make a pig noise? I love lobster. To the reporter, he tried to shift the blame away from himself and onto the hospital. Ralph said he wouldn't have had to take matters into his own hands

if the hospital he took her to for psychiatric help had done a better job. Yeah, that's true. There to blame. The biggest mistake was made by the hospital in Ballarat because they released her when she wasn't ready to be released, so I had to kill that bitch. Sorry, will you say when the quote's over? Oh, did I run on with that sentence?

I think you're still in character, too. What's that? Ralph? You look like a dog to me. Do you want to switch seats? You little-eyed dog. Mr. Vollmer also insisted that everything he did was done to help his wife, but admitted that he should have gotten more professional help.

Now I look back on it and I think, yeah, I probably shouldn't have killed her. What's nice, he's used it as a learning money. Yeah, it is teachable. Very much so. So this... I'll never do that again. This sort of example is why Father Jeremy Davies of the International Association of Exorcists

came to Australia because professionals are needed. What? We're making a point here that amateurs are bad. Father Jordan of Brisbane says he has been performing exorcisms at a rate of around one a week for the past seven years, and the demand for his services is rising, especially on the Gold Coast. Now it all makes fucking sense. But don't you...

One of the things I always think of when we do these is how the history is fucked up. This is like the lobotomobile. It's like a fucking psycho doing whatever the fuck he wants and everyone being like, it's fine, it's easy, don't worry about it. What's the Gold Coast? It's like the South, but with better beaches. Oh. Now I get it.

That is, yeah, it's kind of true. They have this event at the Gold Coast called School This Week, where all the people who are finishing year 12 at high school go to the Gold Coast and party for like a week. It's like Spring Break. Yeah, it's like Spring Break. That's a good example. I like to refer to the Gold Coast as the only place in Australia when School This comes to town, the IQ goes up.

Oh, God. At least there's a bunch of people who have finished year 12. It's like men's are coming to town for the Gold Coast for a fucking week. Exorcisms drop that week. No, that's not a demon, it's a personality. Oh, God. He killed a woman. Father Jordan Abrisman says,

I regard the Gold Coast as Sodom and Gomorrah. It should be pounded with fire and brimstone. He chuckles. He chuckled while he said that. I kind of like this guy a little bit. Good sense. But doesn't pounding something with fire and brimstone sound like something more like that would happen in Sodom and Gomorrah?

Yeah. Hey, guys, come over to Sodom and Gomorrah. We're having a pounding with brimstone. We're going to pound the brimstone tonight, boys. Come on. Fire's on me. Father Jordan is scathing of those who dismiss as fiction the notion of demonic possession of a person or home.

It has nothing to do with mental illness when you see a household where the dog refuses to go into the room. Sorry. What? It has nothing to do with mental illness when you see a household where a dog refuses to go into a room where there's a problem. So... I don't even know...

If there's a dog that refuses to go into a room, clearly it's a demon. What's the matter with you guys? What the fuck? How do you think demons work? You think dogs just run through rooms of demons are in? Well, he got into the garbage. He's possessed.

Or where it is distinctly cold for no reason. Or where physical contact is made by night visitors. Night visitors? You mean the police? I don't understand what you're saying. Who are these night visitors and what are they contacting? Exactly. They're demons.

Oh no, night visitors. Ding dong! Or where the cat jumps right through the wire door at the back. What? That's very specific. Clearly, they had a cat issue. You know, when sprinkles jumps through the screen door. You know what the good news is?

The signs of demonic possession are actually really obvious. Do you have a cat? It could be an infomercial. Is your cat always going to get your screen door? How many times has this happened to you? Then your cat's possessed. I've seen the convulsions, the rigid bodies, the frothing, the gibbering, and the speaking of unknown tongues.

Bishop Portois says most exorcisms are a far cry for those portrayed in Hollywood. Hollywood is commercialized. It's all about the money. It's not about the journey. These are fucking artisanal exorcisms. You often go through a pair of exorcisms and nothing external will happen to that person at all, and they will say only that they feel a gentle relief. But other times there can be a more dramatic reaction,

where the body reacts by swaying and writhing on the floor. The demonic presence can also react with a voice that responds in anger and ridicule. But how literally that is just somebody being like, ah, yeah, no, I feel better. I feel better now that you guys stopped pushing on my womb. I feel relief. Or it's the guy that's like, quit fucking throwing water at me and putting a cross on my face.

Oh, he's being difficult. A demon, a demon! No, seriously, you're just fucking bugging me. Oh god, the demon's upset. Get him! But it's also one of those great deals where he's made all the things about it that sound like it's not working signs that it is working. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just, I take these drugs. One of the signs that they're working is you might feel like they're not working. Yeah, everything they're saying is like somebody in a position where they're like, I'm fine. If they say I'm fine, that's working. They're in denial. That's a demon. The voice will sometimes be grougher than the person's voice, with lots of swearing. I have seen things.

It's just, it's shouting. They're describing shouting. I've seen things like the face of a woman changing to be like the face of a monkey. Well, that's very specific. The face changed and it was quite eerie. I bet it was super eerie. I mean, when I see a woman's face in her monkey, I'm like, that's eerie. Or I'm like, fuck me! Sometimes I...

I gotta be honest with you, that sounds like the excuse of a guy who was caught fucking a monkey. Oh my God! There was a woman here! I started AIDS? That's, okay, just so we know where we're at, that's the first time I started AIDS has gotten an applause. Since the first guy who did it. Well, the first guy who did it, everyone was like, I don't know what you're talking about. But now...

You guys aren't fucking the monkeys? I'm not the only one who's... I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm not fucking them. I'm not, I don't have a relationship with... What do you guys want to do tonight? You guys want to just... I gotta go with the lady. Women, right?

Can't hang out. Father Amorth, who helped found the... Like a monkey on my back. Father Amorth, who helped found the International Association of Exorcists, published Memoirs of an Exorcist, in which he recounts how some of his clients vomited up objects such as nails or glass. They get used to being vomited over. I once performed an exorcism on a woman who managed to hit me in the face with a stream of vomit from the other side of the room, physically impossible.

I have seen someone vomit across the room. It's not physically impossible. You just have to swallow chewing tobacco in the eighth grade. What was that princess's name? Bishop Patois says that science is in retreat. I think we have come through a period in history where there was a tendency to dismiss the miraculous and devils and angels and so forth. I think we are now shifting back to realizing that all things cannot be explained medically and scientifically. Like murder.

Bruce Bain's father Jordan says it is easy to tell when an exorcism has been a success. It's all written in their face. Their faces are suddenly at peace. After a recent exorcism... Yeah, they're dead. A woman... They are literally resting in place. Yeah, on a job well done, gentlemen.

She's definitely... there's not a demon in her. A woman after an exorcism recently said, I feel different, I feel strange, a lot more calm, I feel as though a weight has been lifted. Can you leave? Yeah, that weight was the weight of like nine people just pushing on her. In Australia, more requests for exorcism come from the Gold Coast than anywhere else. The Gold Coast is not good at all. I do far more exorcisms there than in Brisbane.

Father Brian Finnegan, acting head of the Catholic Archdiocese in Brisbane, it was important for the church to carry out exorcisms. There are at least one exorcism done a fortnight in Brisbane. That does not surprise me because I imagine from being in the Gold Coast and being in Queensland, but particularly the Gold Coast, there are a lot of young women who would wake up in the night and think, oh my God, I'm being haunted by the ghost of this really old guy who died and then realize that's the guy they're married to. Great Gold Coast judge.

Once a month, my wife is possessed by a demon. She is... get it out of her. Many of today's exorcists... Did it happen? No. Huh? No. Okay.

Many of today's exorcists have been officially recognized and trained by the Catholic Church. Don't want to be identified for fear of being besieged by calls day and night. Yeah, that's why. That's definitely why. That's like the Scientology shit. Their training consists of attending a four-day seminar at the Vatican. A four-day seminar? Yeah, that's all you need four days.

One day is actually walking around. It's just $10,000, come on down to the four-day seminar. We got a comedian on the second night. He's the bishop. Jim Jeffries is doing... He's doing a corporate gig there. They have a pamphlet, the right of major exorcism. A pamphlet.

The right requests... A pamphlet. The exorcists be appropriately robed in a white tunic and purple stole. That's what you need. He kneels if possible and lays his hands on the head of the afflicted. He shows them the crucifix. And if appropriate... Shows it to him.

See that? Scary, isn't it? I also love, by the way, this is also almost the exact same cause to train a Santa for a department store. No, that's harder. If appropriate, the exorcist breathes on the face. Not appropriate already. That's not appropriate.

You ready for this, demon? Oh my god. Now look at this cross. It's all I got. What about bidding the Lord to drive out all evil by breath of your mouth? The right says the demand for exorcisms is growing, citing cases of women vomiting huge quantities of human sperm. Oh boy.

I'm gonna get out of here. This is in the pamphlet that the church came out. Well, that explains the sperm. Huge quantities of human sperm. What is that even? Firstly, what is a huge quantity of human sperm? For me, it's a bucket. So is this like bucket loads of sperm?

Bucket loads of sperm. What did you eat? I ate a sperm while. The whole thing was sperm. I thought it was mayonnaise. I guess it was sperm. Well, I'm done with mayonnaise. They also vomit live black nails or live animals such as crabs or scorpions.

Which the book says are almost always female. Okay, well thank god for this specificity. So it's all, keep going. Many exorcisms performed in Australia are rather boring it seems. One exorcist was described. I was called to a house one Sunday night and this woman was sitting in an armchair with her husband sitting on her. They better have only had one chair in the house.

Tonight on a very special Google box. That's the laziest way to do it. I'm just gonna sit on you. We got a call and they're sitting in an armchair with her husband sitting on her to keep her there and she was kind of making a growling sound. What you do is someone's sitting on you. But it turned out to be a case of hysteria. She was under great pressure at work.

Oh, by the way, we don't use the term hysteria anymore. That's like from the 1940s. What do you mean? Hysteria? Is that not a kosher word anymore? Hysteria. Oh, in a medical practice? No, no, no, no, no.

Hysteria? Do you not fucking like Death Leopard? That's the only time for a doctor to say it now. Put on Death Leopard. Hysteria. The only solution to this burn is pour some sugar in it. It's in the name of love. Melbourne Bishop Peter Elliott. I know a case of a woman who claims she had an angel guiding her and she used to talk to this angel.

But it finally showed its true face and revealed it was a liar. It wanted control power over her. She was on the way to possession. I'd say she was halfway there, but she got spiritual help and now she's happy. You've heard it a million times. What the fuck is that? You're looking at Will, right? Yeah, I mean, this is his place.

One friend of mine was doing an exorcism and he was thrown right across the sanctuary of the church and nearly broke his back on the altar's marble rail. And another case in a town where there was an exorcism going on, at the point where the entity was sent back to where it belongs into the abyss, the electrical system of the town blew up. Oh, demons. Elliott, Bishop Elliott lives in Ormond with his Burmese cat Lord Justin. I mean, if I know anything from this story, that cat is possessed by a fucking demon.

Surely it's just Justin and Lord Justin is the fucking demon in the cat. You know, Lord Justin's always trying to get through the wire door in the back. It's a nightmare. Another Australian exorcist is Pastor Gerald James of Blacktown in Western Sydney. Oh, yeah. Hi, guys. How you doing? He recently performed an exorcism and brought along a reporter. Bad call. Bad call.

Why wouldn't you? Do a story on this. In the suburban home, a young man screamed and threw himself on the floor. The child then shook his leg like a dog being scratched, then vomited creamy white phlegm. Not semen, though. Not semen. Well, I mean, that might just be the reporter not knowing what's happening. We all know what that probably was. Female scorpions and sperm.

Those poor scorpions all covered in sperm. You've got to be careful with that vomit, too, because if it's female scorpions, the sperm could get in the female scorpion and then you have a scorp baby. That's a true fact. He growled and shook his leg like a dog being scratched, then vomited creamy white phlegm, after which the exorcist told them to go to the bathroom and wash his face. This is just a classic exorcism. You want to wipe that off? The exorcist explained that the young man had been possessed for about a month

by an unknown number of demons. He contacted the church because he was seeing things and hearing voices. Like, yeah, like a mental disease. At the exorcism, the demon slash young man was questioned by the exorcist assistant. The exorcist. Who are you? I'm the king. I'm the killer, he replies. Who do you want to kill? The man points with his shaking finger to his own face.

The exorcism went on for about four hours. At one point, the young man grips his stomach and vomits a reddish bile into the bin. The spew is a demon being expunged from his body, Pastor James says. Pastor James sits next to the young man and speaks in a low voice. Have you eaten a dog? Did you have Korean? Oh my God. That's your lead question.

Well, you threw up red. Was it a golden retriever? The kid's probably like Chinese. He's like, what the fuck is that, man? Seriously? You racist son of a bitch? No, no, I didn't mean it like that. No. Dogs are demonic. Have you eaten a dog? Once in a restaurant, the young man says, did you eat a pig's head? I might have. You bowed down and then you ate it.

I guess so. Yes, it's possible. Pastor James then rises, yells, burn, burn, burn. This is awesome. So far, this is a story about a man getting killed for eating a chico roll. Oh my God. That was that? The reporter was there? Yeah, the reporter was watching. I need a new pen. I need a new pen. Did you eat dogs? After four hours, the man lies in a fetal position on the floor, quietly growling.

Pastor James looks at his watch. That's it for the day. Go wash your face. He tells the demon young man who heads to the bathroom. Okay, thanks. Good day. If you want, Pastor Gerald James can be found on the internet. His hope ministries will help you with your exorcism needs right here in Sydney. You should get him on the podcast. Associate Professor Sarah Ferber, an expert in the history of exorcism at the University of Wollongong. Did I do that right?

Wollongong? Fuck yeah. That's going to be your new special, right? Wollongong? Will you please do that? And then at the end you hit a big gong. And you go Wollongong. Well, I would, but it only really works in your accent, not mine.

Wait, how does it sound? Well, it says Wollongong here. Oh, Wollongong. That sounds like it anyway. Well, we had some fun. Simply guys, we learned a lot. Associate Professor Sarah Ferber, an expert in the history of exorcism at the University of Wollongong, says the emergence of a contemporary cult of exorcism is concerning.

Exorcisms have been linked to 30 deaths in the past three decades, including two in Australia. The majority of victims were unwilling. And 28 in America. The majority of victims were unwilling participants. When the human body is seen as a cosmic battleground, women in Georgia in particular are vulnerable. Critics point out that priests are poorly qualified to diagnose mental illness. What? And are likely to assume that any behavior in people which they cannot clearly explain may be the work of the devil.

So fear psychological disorders such as schizophrenia or Tourette syndrome can produce symptoms similar to those who claim to be possessed by spirits. People who say they hear voices, especially if those voices are saying nasty things, may be suffering from schizophrenia. Furthermore, there is a danger that exorcism could prevent people seeking medical treatment for their condition. Psychosis may go undiagnosed and treated inappropriately. The person could then go on to self-harm or harm other people. That's it. Jesus Christ. That's your country. How do you guys feel right now? I mean, you knew it was going to get weird.

Jesus. You thought it was going to be about like some guy in the bush eating other dudes. It's not. That's what you're all thinking. Some of you guys were like, do it about the emu war. And I was like, yeah, I think I'm going to do more than a 12 minute podcast. Jesus Christ. I mean, Jerry Stahl, who is, you guys ever see the movie Permanent Midnight?

Yes. It's about a writer who was a heroin addict. He gave me this idea. That is fucking awesome. Right, but it also gives you an insight into how, like as a comedian, here's the thing. This is not to criticize your podcast and I love it. And thanks for having me part of it. It's like criticisms happening. But here's what I like to finish on. Like a big fucking nice moment so we can all go unhappy. But you're getting fucking advice.

Will. Fucking heroin. Will, before. He's like, no. Leave him sad at the fucking end. Thinking about mental illness and the role that religion plays in keeping mentally old people sick and dead. Well, that's why we didn't do it because we knew you'd do something like that. Before we came here, we did five in a day and Dave laughed and I was like, what the actual fuck? What is going on right now?

That's when Gareth became a cutter. I like my cutting style too. It's really lazy. Yeah, super. You're tired. I'm not actually breaking the skin. I'm like, ah, ah, someday it'll cut. So tired.

Holy fucking shit. I'm sorry I made an important point at the end. I apologize. I mean, it is. Most of all, it's been serious. It isn't. But it is an important point. Yeah, that's why I made it.

Yeah. Can we still do something funny before we live? I think a thing or something. These are your exorcisms. Should we get naked? What's the name of the western city? Black what? Brighttown.

Should we all fucking head over there? Let's throw some shit up. Act like we're all possessed and go bang on his door. Oh no, no, no, no, no. Oh no, no, no, no, no. He'd be like, oh my God, there's 300 people. It's a night visitor. Still would not be the weirdest thing you would see in Blacktown tonight.

Not even fucking near. Would not make the Blacktown local fucking paper. PS, a podcast happened. Blacktown sounds awesome now. What's the deal with Blacktown? It's the worst? Is that what it says on the sign when you drive in? It's the literal worst.

That's their thing, claim to fame. They thought we can't be the best, so let's go for the other one. We'll literally be the worst. By the way, is there anyone from Blacktown in this audience? Oh, same guy for the listeners. Ah, so you must be loving this. My god. Like, I'm anywhere.

He bought one ticket, eight of his friends are going through everyone's cars. So do you like it there? You know, he's the mayor. That's his campaign slogan. This is literally their budget for PR. He's like, I think I can yell at the end of a podcast. It's the literal worst. Now, we've narrowed it down to five slogans.

It's the literal worst is catchy. It's a good one. I also like fuck me, though. Fuck me, Blacktown. I've heard that in porn. Now we're having fun, guys. I thought this was a safe place. How do you feel about your religious people?

I did it because of your religious stance. As a Christian. People don't know this, but Will recently found Jesus. I literally found him. He was in Blacktown. He was in between the couch cushions. Thank god. He was in Blacktown.

I mean, thank dad. He was in Blacktown. Jerk it off, I had a liquor store. That was Jesus. He was actually licking off behind a jerky store. I could say, yeah, you get that. I love how chewy it is. My jaw hurts after it.

And so salty. Oh boy. Well, I think we're all done here. No more land left to conquer. We have posters for sale. We have very few of the dollop ones left, but if you don't get one here, you can get them online at a store in Merchandise.

There's a bunch of hothead posters, because people don't like those. It's not true. Nice marketing technique, mate. You should work in Black Country. That's fucking great. Blacktown. Fuck.

What did you call it? Black Country, which is where my family lives in England. Which is the literal worst. So. So close. God, I was knocking on the door of that guy. I was a night visitor. Anyways.

You want to call it night visitor? Yeah, I think that's it. This is our last podcast in your lovely country. You guys have been, it's okay. Gareth is doing a show tomorrow. We wanted to have him on this show, but because of your delightful driving,

we didn't get here in time. So he is doing a show tomorrow, and we'll post it on Twitter or Facebook. I can't remember the name of the place. I am, what? Alright. Gareth is not happy right now. You're blocked.

You are blocked. You are blocked. You are blocked. You are blocked. I fucking love that someone in this country can make a fucking Flappers call that guy. Well, as much as that joke needs to fucking die, because it's dead, like Princess Joan,

I was thinking that myself, that like, people in Australia are talking about Flappers, which is... But also, there's more people in Australia talking about Flappers than people in L.A. This is where I don't comment anymore. So Gareth will be at the... Gareth?

Is that where we're headed? We're past Gaza now? Gareth! Gareth! Gareth! Gareth! Gareth! Gareth!

Gareth! Gareth! It's actually Gary. So... Thank you guys so much! You've been awesome! Thank you! Gareth will be at...

I think it's called Papa Geno's tomorrow. I'm doing the Crackers International Show Tuesday at the Enmore. Thank you so much!