The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 8 - Ehsan Ahmad: The Past Times

Episode Date: January 6, 2023

Since the first American newspaper was published in 1690, millions more have been printed.  This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian Ehsan Ahmad. New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday.

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. All right everybody welcome to the pastimes podcast. Each week we go through

an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. Hassan Ahmad. Hello Hassan. Hey thank you for having me I'm excited about this. Thank you for being here. Before we get into it let's promote your social media which is your name Hassan which is E-H-S-A-N J Ahmad A-H-M-A-D and your podcast is the dangerous brown podcast. Yep look for it it's out on all platforms it's just me riffing into a camera. Well David it makes David I'm very nervous obviously as to whites. What are you guys talking about over there. Isn't it isn't today your

second Christmas for white people isn't that what today is. We should point out we're recording on January 6th so yeah I mean you might notice a little bit of a jovial energy from us today obviously we're pumped up we're excited. I after after seeing that Nancy Pelosi introduced Lin-Manuel Miranda to perform there I would love to just see one more quick instance like just like a window get broken you know what I mean just the fear that would go through the room if a window got broken there today would be something fierce. Yeah like Congress Congress never deserved to be taken over and invaded more than when she

introduced Lin-Manuel. They just got the year wrong. Yeah if I saw that as a as a writer I would feel very vindicated I'm just like yeah we did the right thing. Yeah absolutely. See this is what we tried to stop this. This is what we were getting ahead of you idiots. No but that'll help America heal obviously nothing. Well Nancy said it's important to have arts as a part of the healing. You know it's almost like as a comic when you don't have a good segue to your next joke like she's jamming in the rationale for having Hamilton perform. She's like it shows us that the arts have thrived since the insurrection. Did he write a rap about the insurrection? I would be okay with that. I would be fine with it.

All right so Dave I've started to guess what year I think the paper is gonna be from us on so I'm gonna go ahead and take a stab this time. I'm gonna go I'm gonna go 1907. I'm gonna go 1870s I'm gonna go a little further back. Great guess. Gareth you were so close. 1909. Holy fuck. Yeah this is like I think I finally found a thing I can do. Yeah that was impressive. And by the way if those are showcase showdown rules I get both showcases. I'm under and close yeah you do. Oh wow. So this is January 2nd 1909 Akron Ohio the Akron Beacon Journal. Okay. And I gotta say page one is weird. Wow. For you to even highlight it as

weird as weird because the pages are always weird. Yeah and I've know how much weird stuff you read so for you to say it's weird. Yeah it's like a sex criminal being like that was assault. There is a giant headline right in the middle of the page. Where that belongs. Ruth Bryan finally sues. Oh man she did it we were wondering if she was gonna do it. Wow happened. Ruth Bryan Levitt daughter of W. J. Bryan today filed suit for divorce from William Levitt the petition was immediately taken from the files petition to please tell me you had to collect signatures to get out of a marriage. I don't know what the front of

the grocery stores can I borrow you for one quick second. So I'm trying to leave my husband he's a big piece of shit. Can I just get your signature. I need 10 thousand and then I can leave and have my own life. Wow divorce is front news front like that's why they're like they're like she finally did it she finally did it and and that's it that's the story that is it. That's it. That's just so fucking that's just like it's overhearing a conversation essentially you just like oh yeah what is the Akron gossip what is it yeah yeah it's the Akron you didn't hear it from me but. Robbers sell lives dearly. Oh this is

London interesting. By the way I gotta say a son you did what I do most of the time which is like it's almost like when a dog hears music I always like tilt my head like I'm like what did he just say. Robbers sell lives dearly that's a very casual way to talk about human trafficking. Is that what is happening. No very black. Okay okay. Five people are dead and more than 20 others are in the hospital in a wall. I can't read it. Walfa Mastro. Walfa Massachusetts. No it's London. Okay. A suburb of London as the result of a sensational attempt made today by two Italians at Highway Robbery. Wow really. They get right into the

ethnicity fast. They don't fuck around. But I'm just gonna give them credit. A sensational attempt. Yeah sensational attempt by two Italians. They do get style points. Yeah. Unbelievable outfits though these guys really knew what they were doing. The Italians were run down and surrounded by a posse three of their victims including. I can't help but feel like if they were just straight up well first of all they probably would never just straight up be white people but I feel like they would just be like their names would be there it would just be like less like the Italians. Yes. Yeah they would use their names if they

weren't. Yeah. Does it go into what they were trying to steal or they just got the plastic part. Okay okay. It goes into the whole thing. The the Italians had been employed in a rubber factory but having been discharged they plan to revenge themselves on their employers so they got fired and they're like okay. So they're like we're gonna steal a bunch of rubber. Yeah that was their plan. Well yeah that that sounds like a complete I mean it really does sound like a mob cover like yeah it's a rubber factory. Yeah we make balls and tires and shit. Yeah. They lay in wait near the factory and seized a bag of

money containing the week's pay of all the hands. They then started on a mad dash down the street so they grabbed money and ran. No plan. No plan at all. Hey dude we should have like talked about something before we did this shit. I know I'm regretting not even like bringing it up. Mama Mia that's my role. The police were summoned and started in pursuit in a motor car as they approached the Italians the robbers opened fire with automatic pistols on their pursuers. A number of men and boys on the street were shot down before they could recover from their surprise. I'm sorry I don't believe that was what

hurt these people like gosh I mean I know I'm bleeding out but it's the shock that'll get you. No I think it's not well written I think they're saying they were surprised at the shooting and before they could get into cover. Oh okay right right. Well that's how shooting that's how street shootings work. Yeah you're yeah you're not like there's one at three and then there'll be a 530 and then we do an 11. It's like a Disney parade. The Italians kept ahead of the automobile until they came up with a trolley car. Okay so I don't know if they came up with it. Yeah you know what it would be. It would be like on tracks and

it could ding it. That's genius dude. This just seems like a more intense Scooby-Doo villain chase. Like really. At one point the Italians run in one door but come out the other. And then it's Scooby and Shaggy. I think we're going through the same door. This they boarded and making their way up to the front platform forced the driver at the point of the revolvers to throw on full speed. Yeah it's a trolley jack. It's a hundred percent trolley jack. Wow. So they got the trolley they got the trolley going full speed. Now the trolley is gonna be on tracks right. So as far as like you like the cops like yeah no we know why don't

we just go to the end. Meet them at the end probably. The trolley going full speed. Who's the Sandra Bullock the driver. Once the trolley hits eight miles an hour the Italians are armed. The car went thundering down the track with the police automobile in pursuit. The amount of people are like hello. At a point near the Tottenham Marshes the Italians made the motorman slow down and jump it from the car. They sought a position in the marshes for their last stand. So they jumped into some swamps. And they were like this is where we go. Yeah. This is it. This is my it's the marsh move. Classic Italian move. Yeah. You know what the Italians are

in the swamp. By this time the police had been joined by several hundred laboring men. So a bunch of fucking workers came on. They're like let's kick the shit out of some Italians. We're ready. We don't have anything better to do. There's literally nothing to go on. A woman got divorced. That was the peak. Beating Italians is our job. By this time together the pursuers advanced upon the robbers. The police in the van. The Italians were surrounded and hard pressed. They saw their position was hopeless. And after the exchange of a few shots they turned the weapons upon themselves and committed suicide. Wow. What an end. Oh

God. Fucking hell. That is that explains a lot though when like you're like Willie. I mean you know they were really they were all in on the plan that they really didn't think through beyond take the money. Yeah they really didn't. And I guess jobs meant a lot more back then because there is no job in which I would turn my gun upon myself. Yeah. After getting fired. Yeah. Well yeah there I mean that's quite a revenge plot. That'll show him. Now we'll haunt them. Brilliant. My role. Yeah they won't have to deal with this anymore. Let's see how they like that. Yeah that'll show him. Do each other at the same time. So here's

we're still I guess in the criminal section. Judge has digestion and trial is postponed. Judge has to he was able to process food so we're canceling court for the day obviously. Once it comes out of his ass we'll know he fully did it. Everything's going through his system so we got to shut it down. Unfortunately the judge had to shit so we're done for the day. You know as much as much crap we give our justice system today at least there's nothing like that. We'll get back there. Yeah. I can see that happening. Just Gorsuch. Gorsuch can't rule today. He had pasta. So this action and this is a story from Nashville, Tennessee. There

was no session of court today in the trial of Colonel Duncan Cooper. His son Robin and J.D. Sharp charged with the killing of former Senator Carmack. The cause of today's postponement is an attack of indigestion suffered by Judge Hark. Indigestion. I really thought you said digestion. I did. That's the headline. The headline is digestion. So they just don't they know to differentiate and what they're like they're like we can only put one I in per article so. No they were like this is a yo this is this headline gonna really trip some people up in the future. Let's roll go with it. Yeah. I would I can't but honestly like I do

like I have bad indigestion and I there have been times where like I've been on a plane without a Toms and I'm like I'm going to pull the emergency exit door off like it is so I think I I I'm stave let me have I empathize with the judge. You can't have the judges back on this one. This is indigestion. This is also a very serious matter it feels like the killing of a former senator. Yeah. Like he's got tummy bubbles. He's got the tummy bubbles. You guys are not understanding this. This guy he'll be burping the whole time. I've got an injustice in my belly. Excuse me gentlemen. Oh today is not the day for

justice. I have my Tum Tums hurts. I have really I had potatoes. Potatoes give you indigestion. No they don't really but when I went to the doctor and he was like the things I couldn't couldn't eat I was like sir you've basically named everything that is yeah of course yeah yeah still the crime still the crime control is it is it is it a section called crime control no but it just seems to be all it just seems to be all packed in there so it's on they know they yeah they normally just like throw everything in one spot and then but it seems like later on they start to almost come around to like organization

not very yeah sections yes yeah murder than Yankees one by two and then I totally kidnapped yes completely and then it'll just be like boots for sale yeah yeah it's just like you're like how did this happen it's like it's like a hostage letter paper yeah it's all cut up from other news paper yeah it's totally yeah two weeks old baby deserted in hotel oh my god Jesus Christ that's actually a great place to leave a baby because the baby is comfortable you can leave him on a bed it can order a service I'm gonna check if you hang the thing on the door and say they won't check until you know your checkout time

they probably had a little thing you can hang on the door that would be like baby abandoned we don't want this one yeah for the maids just the label on it for the maids shitty baby inside not a keeper while the baby boy two weeks old is laughing and cooling in an asylum Jesus what I'm sorry this baby is crazy unfortunately unable to tell us how he got there so he's obviously put him in this island sir we've tried everything with the baby it's time for shock therapy that makes sense but two weeks in this thing is not turning around you tell us where your parents are baby the police are searching the fashionable

north side in an effort to learn who deserted the child last night it was found in a gray telescope in the vestibule of a hotel by a guest I'm sorry yeah we're gonna do we need to back up there well I mean I don't believe that a baby fits in a telescope so what honey let's get out of here where we put it just jam it in the telescope just go just go to the observatory and pop it in the telescope yeah it was found in a great telescope in the vestibule of a hotel by a guest who noticed the valise and heard sounds coming from it so that must be a part of a telescope right the valise sure it was like isn't that like

a suitcase of a lease oh shit so was it it was too that's strange so they just heard that word they popped it yes and then put it in a telescope yeah they put it and they put I mean that is they're really trying to cover their bases yeah I mean they're really just trying to buy as much time as possible to get away right like a Russian doll who gives up their telescope like you keep the telescope like the telescope is it there's I think I don't know it tells right that's what I feel I feel I feel like things were so fucking weird and boring oh I get it I get it now so the room is like a telescope room yeah or

like or maybe there's a shared area where it was just like okay what do you say will you get shit-faced and then go look at Mars or whatever yeah that was the Netflix of the 1999 I've seen every planet but I don't mind watching them again yeah I've been on the planets yeah they've got to come up with some better planets so predictable the baby was dressed in a white silk I can't I normally these articles can be very short this is really they're going into some depth here yes the baby is dressed in a white silk wrapper and stockings to match but there was absolutely no signs of identification so they didn't

like a baby tattoo the baby's name well you have a passport or at least they you know gave the baby matching clothes because they didn't want to be stupid when they had abandoned yeah they're trying to class it up for like the next phase toddler you know you don't want to send a toddler out there with nothing oh a clue a bear-headed woman with a satchel in her hand was seen near the hotel shortly before the child was found now Dave I gotta ask real quick are you reading a news article are you describing a fever dream because what is everything was going terribly and then someone wore a bear head it feels

like the insurrection there's a baby in a telescope but a bear-headed woman and pointed me in the right direction it's like a twin it's like twin peaks does that mean does that mean she like had a head that looked like a bear or she is wearing a fuck are you fucking kidding me she's wearing a bear head no it means she doesn't have a hat on I actually saw a baby go that way thank you bear woman thank God you're here I was white I was with you you said Dave was like these guys are really overreacting they're not wearing a hat I forgot in the 1900s it's a very big deal of someone doesn't wear it's a beatable

offense yeah it's a bit it's a detail in a story about an abandoned baby also the woman wasn't wearing a hat this story just keeps getting crazier so this doesn't have a headline from prep while preparations were being made to put him through the sweatbox Fred Hodgson's of Cleveland escaped from chief of police Smith's office at Canton by leaping through an open window well I mean again it's just sort of like the prison they took him a while to realize that prisoners will try to leave yeah yeah really trusting yeah they really had like a pretty like they were just like yeah here's your key lights at 11 we

expect you back by 10 30 obviously they had the Epstein deal yeah we'll crack a window for you in case you want to have a smoke yeah if you want to have a smoke and that all that we ask is you don't fully open it and jump out but you know it's cool whatever the woman is then the next cell is there for not having a hat on policemen shot at Hodgson's as he ran through the business streets well great that's great right through all the people are walking around get him well yeah the training is pretty much the same I'd say yeah yeah nothing has changed when he reached when he reached the United Brethren Church Hodgson's

entered there he met the janitor to whom he told the doubtful story and a moment later ran into a toilet room where the police arrested him love to know the doubtful story yes that is I'm going to a costume party as a guy who escaped where can I piss likely story that's a Hail Mary to be like yeah let me just see if the janitor can help me yeah the church janitor if it's a Catholic church that makes sense okay this headline is not guilty of non support still gets jail not guilty of non support okay so he's found innocent of not supporting a child or an ex yeah and gets okay and he still gets jail

okay yeah that was like a riddle well yeah it's sometimes you really are like mm-hmm yeah cloyd his name is cloyd so I already okay so do we want to start we'll keep going whatever he did he deserves it yeah not okay that that's a crime yeah cloyd dillard was saying we'll call him cloyd not a name darling I don't give a shit I'm drunk all right here's cloyd yeah sounds like a claw guardery this is cloyd yeah sounds like he's never had support at any point in his life it sounds like it's part of his whole story yeah on the way as soon as he was born cloyd almost sounds like a name he was sentenced to 30 days in the

county jail by judge a wanna maker Thursday afternoon dillard was found guilty of contempt of court for failing to obey the court's order and pay five dollars a weekly support for his children okay dillard was okay dillard was tried in Justice Copland's court Wednesday so this is names this is a different judge but he had diarrhea so he could yeah yeah that's right I'm the stand-in judge I'm the understudy so this judge is Wednesday the day before okay on a charge he was tried on a charge of non-support the jury found him not guilty okay on complaint on complain of his wife Maggie Diller he was then

cited into common please court Thursday on the contempt charge so she she's somehow complained again after he was innocent she complained sure and then he was cited and brought into the common please court on contempt charge boy they sure how to know how to write like a clear article it is like it's like it's like the like editors editor was just like you can write it but once you start you're not allowed to stop and then you're done yeah no no look you can't look back you just have to keep going back keep it's a stream of kind this is that's why that's what happens when you work for the accurate stream let it

blow a Mrs. Diller commenced a suit for divorce in May 1906 Diller followed with a cross petition in which he asked for a decree co-respondents were named by both husband and wife a year after Miss Diller started the suit it was heard and both were refused to decree Miss Miller was granted the custody of the children and Diller was ordered to pay $5 a week for the sport okay so he'd previously been told to pay five dollars a week and he wasn't and he was found not guilty but then the judges like we still not paying the fee so we're gonna you imagine being a Debbie dad making the paper like a

shitty do you like if you're a shitty dad they're like wow that is so rare yeah yeah that was not worthy of a story I mean it's yeah no what's not and this is front-page still yeah well it feels like it was a long article to come back to where we started just some guy isn't paying child support yeah yeah yeah so in the end the beginning was right yeah yeah and we spent a year and a half to figure out that he's still not paying child support yeah it really took a while we embedded some reporters that came up with this one not under cover work yeah and we had nothing's changed we had our worst article writer on the job I will

try writing not great thanks maybe so here's page two caught more cock fight spectators what's caught wait one more time caught more cock fight spectators so bored yeah with with three prisoners shackled to them humane officers am low and HK ferry Cleveland walked into James McAllister saloon Thursday afternoon and arrested McAllister behind his own bar wait so they already had they already had prisoners shackled to them yeah and they're like it's time for a drink what they went and arrested another guy who was bartender so they didn't they didn't put the other two guys in jail they just grabbed the third

guy out of the way wow McAllister was hand talk about a beat cute McAllister was handcuffed to the other prisoners and still wearing his white bartender's vest taken to Cleveland jail the men were all wanted for being spectators at a cock fight at Bill Watson's Roadhouse a week ago now when you you said like humane officers so are these like animal like almost like that it's shocking wow that existed at that time to me yeah night around 1900 is when that came into play that's crazy yeah it started in New York they started like they don't value human life yet but they're like chickens yeah yeah we

can obviously yeah I would imagine a 1905 cock fight by the way would just be like two dude sword fighting yeah like that's the entertainment like come on we'll get what Dave let me finish the bit come on we're gonna go down to the saloon these guys are gonna whack each other with their dicks 80 Hogan was arrested while pitching hay on his farm he had given the name George McClure at the time of the raid and had bragged of his escape which he affected when being taken to a car so he had already escaped using a different name and then they caught him Evans was quickly found in Waysworth by Cleveland officers he was

arrested in a livery stable I feel like they're doing more for the guys who watched the cock fight than the people who left a baby in a telescope I yeah completely agree they are they left a baby in stockings near a telescope in a bag and they're like this one will wrap itself up where those guys should we look at who checked in tomorrow yesterday no this is fine there's a cock fight in the other now we got bigger news we got to walk these two guys to a bar there's a cock fight they're watching hey did that baby die doesn't matter let's get moving we left him in the assay to silent where he

belongs yeah listen that kid has a lot of issues from what I could see you want solutions you give us answers to week old human headline meat smoking caused alarm I mean I would imagine that men were actually puffing steak at this time the fire department had a run for nothing Friday morning about 930 the department was called to the home of Lydia girl shillip on 545 South High Street the family was smoking meat in the cellar and the smoke escaped to the upper part of the house someone thinking that the building was on fire turned in an alarm so people were just like like just barbecuing in their basement and

it smelled so much that someone called the fire department to put out the cooking that's the 1909 version of the fire alarm going off in your house it's a much bigger production you put a towel over the window like you do with the smoke alarm your neighbor has to call the private fire company god damn it here they are we're getting a lot of that who smokes in their basement you smoke on the top floor or outside and meat smells just going through the whole house yeah that's hot nice smell that's really horrible yeah what did a what did basic logic come into play in this country I feel like we had it maybe for like ten

years in the middle of the night in the 20th century well I gotta say what I what I lived on the third floor in Brooklyn it was raining and our fire alarm started going off and the house is filling with smoke and I ran downstairs and the guy who lived in the converted garage was barbecuing and asked him what he was doing and he said he wanted to barbecue but it was raining so he says he's barbecuing in the house sure in the garage so that still happens yeah I mean yeah there's like meth heads and then there's meat heads headline surprise party miss Dorothy Beanie of the gothic was delightfully

surprised at a party by her friends at her home Thursday evening the time was passed in music and games every right to fucking be laughing your ass off what it's like are you fucking kidding me are you fucking kidding me I mean it sounds like a country club newspaper it's like a yeah it really is it's just like a leaflet he had a birthday she was surprised oh my god a baby was left in a suitcase near a telescope anyway did you hear about the b-day they played pin the tail of the donkey it's unbelievable I can't even give you any more details for fear of you fainting call the paper oh god was she

like the daughter of the person who owned the newspaper why is this news it's very yeah it is very sweet 16 or is this the first surprise party ever and they're like it was just very exciting that is a great you should that is a great premise for a joke like the first surprise like what the fuck are you all doing hey out of the dark you vampires what are you are you gonna murder it's not a murder it's not a murder Jesus Christ we bring gifts a brisket headed off supposed elopement by phone appropriate judge permit judge party received a phone message the honorable surprise party that's right I love that

guy probably no a digestion probably judge party received a telephone message Friday to refuse a marriage license to a young couple whom it was said intended to elope the names of the would-be elopers were given as Vera summer 16 and William Collins 19 that's the whole story he got a phone call and he must have stopped it he stopped the elite we stopped the marriage certificate so was basically it was probably because it was like you were meant to marry in a church or something no I yeah I don't know they're pretty young so maybe I think that it mattered at this time how young they were like 1909 ages to get

married yeah 16 good lord a little old yeah either someone didn't want him getting married or they just didn't want him getting eloping yeah it was it has to be that it has to be one of the parents I mean oh for sure dare you arrest them my dream of mine my son is trying to marry a 16 year old I can't have him marry such an old lady yeah it's disgusting she's bearing at this point she's halfway to dead perfectly good 13 year olds in town here we are a fellow was arrested at the national Capitol the other day while hunting around the chamber happy January 6th everybody yeah a fellow was arrested at the national Capitol the

other day while hunting around the chamber of the Lorehouse for president Roosevelt and making all kinds of dire threats against him wow this is very very he January six yeah well I guess the more things change the more they stay the same they well they learned the lesson that you don't just walk around threatening the president I can go there and you poop on their desks yeah yeah you steal a gavel of podium and you piss on the wall like a grown-up did they shit on desks didn't they I think they did I think they shit on or under a desk amazing they had indigestion he was locked up on insanity

charge and certainly no further proof is needed than the fact that he was looking for the president in that place he's gonna sell he's gonna be a baby I'm just stuck here with a baby who doesn't talk this grown man doesn't say a word gibberish and by the way I think it's got indigestion it is a shit machine this episode won't recover from the baby telescope sorry I'm sorry it's a callback show it's a retrospective under the first article see deep plot in absence of Morton okay what Marion Ohio local magnets of the Ohio State League profess to see in in the

disappearance of Charles Morton okay so Charles Morton is disappeared okay the Ohio is reeling they're like where would we get our salt Morton's gone this is an assault the Ohio and Pennsylvania League president a deeply laid plot fostered by Akron and Canton okay so they're saying Charles Morton is the is the Ohio and Pennsylvania League president and this sounds like a plot by Akron and Canton they say that these clubs knowing that Morton could not be reelected wanted to further complicated situate wanted the further complicated situation by having him disappear for a time oh yeah oh no I don't get it they I don't either yeah

they they said he could not so these are clubs and they're saying knowing that he couldn't be reelected they wanted to come okay they want to complicate the election by having him disappear it would be like if Trump won like we just hit Obama for no reason yeah I don't know what else can we do we tried to we try to do it the other way they can't be an exchange okay power he's somewhere yeah fortunately Obama's gone so he's the president until he returns I guess he's just standing behind a curtain the Oval Office he has the key he has the keys so yeah so you can't fortunately just make doing this lobby mr. Trump the

result is that right so right is the guy who was elected so the result is that right while really elected is far from being president as Morton has the papers and the funds it really is you it's what you were basically just said yes it's like I mean it's basically like your lease it's like renting a place and you just don't get your lease yeah what was the paper oh my god what are they president of just these clubs yeah yeah the house the uh yeah Ohio State League it's I wonder what the fuck that is it is stated here that the honesty of Charlie Morton who was known and admired by all is unquestionable they

merely say wait and see what the fuck does that mean honestly like a man I let you do it wait I'm sorry I won like well you're just gonna have to sit tight unfortunately why is it that the surprise party was the most clearly written story in it all this put the best reporter on the most important story oh so it's a it's a Ohio State League it was a baseball league it's a bit it's baseball yeah the first 20th century Ohio State League started in 1908 as a class D loop and ran through 1916 so so basically it was it was the new president of so it would basically just be if it were football it would just be like

Roger Goodell is the new president but then you're missing the guy before yeah and Roger Goodell never runs the NFL right so they can't they don't know what to do about the league because the previous guy has all the money in papers yeah there's a vacuum of power right by the way if this were anything else the United States would send in troops and make a coup oh my god it's a fucking baseball league yeah that is the crazy democracy of the baseball league yeah yeah we want to play him here so we don't have to play him at home okay so here's here's an ad dandruff these are these are always just

damn dandruff germs must I like that we shortened it a dandruff eventually so graphic to picture the germs okay in America the dandruff germs must go the war of extermination has been declared the battle has begun and already thousands of intelligent marigans have permanently rid themselves of this filthiness today there's no more necessary for a man to have dandruff in his hair than to have tartar on his teeth okay god this is a good aggressive ad what is this for the third Reich shampoo what is this we need to exterminate dandruff can never be cured until the small aggravating dandruff germ is

conquered and destroyed it really is certainly taking on some of the language that you're pitching aside it's not leaving Nazi rhetoric and makes the dandruff where a D on the germ we are Germany germ takes the dandruff to the shallows it's time and millions of dandruff germs have been destroyed thanks to great scientists and dermatologists who gave the world a Parisian sage the only real dandruff cure at hair grow of the world was ever known Parisian sage will cure you in two weeks or your money back so so they're pretending like dandruff is a germ thing and not just like dry skin right

there but I mean I would say that as Americans that is really yeah what we always need we just need the the the manifestation of the problem you know what I mean the war on terror it's like it's this guy who started terrorism kill him and it's solved right you know find the dandruff germ in the hey hiding in the hills yeah yeah I heard a bunch of per was it what's the at what's the product called oh Parisian sage yeah I heard I heard a bunch of their scientists are living in Argentina now okay new headlines serious charge against young Greensburg man charged with attempting to entice several young country girls of

Greensburg to a life of shame in the city and writing objectionable letters to them oh bad damn purvy letters huh yeah he's charged for being horny yeah yeah well yeah I mean yeah I mean it's essentially the 1909 dick pic yeah yeah yeah yeah and a dick pic it's just like you know unsolicited yeah Benjamin Haggerty age 30 is locked in the county jail awaiting a preliminary trial Haggerty was arrested at the home of Akron relative Thursday night by sheriff Corey suspicions hello I'm Corey suspicions of the county authorities were aroused over two months ago when they were informed that Haggerty was seen very

often in the vicinity of the Greensburg High School he he was ordered by the county detectives to quit these tactics so they were like dude fucking stop hanging around what not what what 30 yeah I like to learn high school lay like the lessons look you know what I mean everyone knows if you're 30 and hanging around a high school girl you gotta marry him it's the rules it is claimed he wrote letters containing obscene suggestions and placed them where high school girls could find them my boner he was he was just writing dirty letters and leaving them around you know it's very much like the porn in the forest

how we always read the the lore that is very factual about how we would all that's dudes yeah we had this magical ability to leave porn for each other and find porn from each other right and so he's just sort of littering like his pervy little like he just made it like perv snow yeah so probably other dudes found it because they're like awesome dude this is awesome yeah the original porn yeah well this guy wrote some great stuff about fucking some of the letters finally found their way into the hands of school teachers and parents in one of the letters grammar notes in one of the letters Hagerty offered

positions in sporting houses to the girls all right so he's a he's trying to pimp them out right that's right well okay oh really assume I would assume a sporting house is a brothel this is or maybe it's just a sporting house if he's trying to be a pimp this is the he is the most unconfident pimp I've ever heard of in my entire life just leaving letters hoping the girls will find it like what yeah it's like honestly would be like if it were a movie you'd be like we got to get this pimp confident yeah faith in his pimping ability yeah take off his glasses maybe spruce of his hair see

what that does for him oh there we go that's cool I love you with your hair down really hold this cane drink from this cup really yeah hey have you ever thought about limping why my legs work I just love a pimple what is a sporting woman definitions of sporting lady a woman who engages in sexual intercourse for money so that's a well so yeah it was a brothel yeah well okay so he's trying to get the girls there yeah really just super cool to get in the high school years that yeah yeah so extracts from the printable portions of the letters set for us in the affidavit on which Haggar is arrested quote I see

you did not accept that proposition of mine it is nothing to me if you want to live on a farm all your life he is he's farm shaming oh he is grimming is like look if you just want to make you crops it's that's fine but you could be fucking for money if you weren't so dumb read my weird letters that I let in the river did you get any my weird you see any my dear John's you know the brothel come it's not great I mean I don't know what to do I keep leaving letters at the high school they're crazy I tell you crazy they belong in an asylum next to a baby in a telescope you do not know what you are missing in this city there

is there is some place to go every night and have a good time we will be able to go to the theater to a dance and have a little enjoyment at a life where you stay on a farm it's like a time share if you set a farm it is the same thing every day and you'll get tired of life hey I'll tell you what's probably gonna tucker you out on life it is following this guy to the theater fun of the big city right but I will say at least this is a pitch this is a legitimate pitch he is like it's a pitch it's exciting your farm life is boring like he was what and well now he's doing the thing well now he's like he's tried that now so he's

just got fine you want to live on a farm and not go to the theater yeah yeah okay I'll tell you you can be milked at different things in the city but go ahead stick with the cows he says I can get you jobs I gave jobs to pay from $50 to $75 a month yeah we know yeah job this is also a long letter if this is all the only printable portion it's like my god brevity man brevity it's a terrible pitch edit a little help here this is long get the pitch down shark tank as far as is known Haggerty never succeeded in getting any of the girls into his power that makes sense during during the time that tracks tracks with the pitch

during the time he was placing letters where they came into possession of the schoolgirls he lived at a relatives home in Greensburg so he was wow so he's not he's he's dude this is like this is honestly this is the guy in the basement who wants to be a comedian who shits all over your clip imagine being like you live in your mother's basement and your first thought is let me start a brothel I gotta get out of here if you thought about getting a job I'm dreaming bigger than that I just got a lure I just got a lure this girl it just takes one to build a sporting house yeah and then he's shame and then the idea that he's

shaming them for not doing the big city life you just sit in a fucking basement you guys don't know what you're missing I go to the theater every night oh this gets so much better what this same story there's another paragraph wow okay William William Carly father of one of the girls stated to the court that he examined the spot where the letters were found and found crutch marks and the prints of but one foot Haggery has one leg and uses crutches so he's just like he's I mean honestly it's like catfishing it's job fishing man he's a crutch fisher what an incredible twist well I and by the way so validating for

the girls the women who ignored talk about the best call I ever made was not going to the big city with this guy as you know I have two legs and no crutches and a big big sporting house I go to the theater every night my cock is huge and my mom does not live near me all truths good so he's so he already had the cane so he was like might as well become the pimp yeah he was like all I yeah he's totally just like I just need the jacket wow wow wow what a ride yeah that was that was a ride from A to B just a roller coaster so this fucking weirdo this story comes from Philadelphia a pair of surgeons forceps accidentally sewn

up in the abdomen after an operation 11 years ago caused the death of Miss Mary John Donovan can she live not a full life that's a lot that'll be fine she'll live a happy life well and that by the way if you're the corner like what was the cause of death you cut her open with forceps like those mine I'm holding mine these are rusty in her kidney the operation killed her medical help the operation in which the unfortunate mistake occurred was performed by a surgeon of the city of high repute who has since died she was operated on a few years ago but the measure had been too long delayed and her death followed

a few hours later wow so they said they found the forceps and they were like there's nothing we can do yeah all the forceps were discovered the forceps discovered were completely embedded in the intestines oh well that means he also lost the forceps it was like I wonder where they went yeah I would say from a medical equipment standpoint it's not like today where it's just ubiquity like you would probably be like I have my my one set of forceps yeah but the hell where the hell did I put that god I'm gonna have to buy another I know I had him when I did the surgery there's no Adam there's no I left him in

there there's no way so weird what well that now that is a reason to call out a court yes yeah that's indigestion judge Weiney okay so this headline is caught by shoestrings I hope it's literal Frank Gallagher and Thomas Wilson were arrested by officer Baker on suspicion Friday they were engaged in the get rich quick game of peddling shoestrings hmm a classic way to make a lot of money in this country a shoestring swindle our history has no bottom it just is like an ocean floor it's just there's just tons of creatures you didn't know existed yeah like what's the what's the scam even yeah what is but how great is it how

great is it that someone just all they had left was like the shoes on their feet they're like I got a scam I know what to do okay so you actually go around and and you knock on people's doors and you say you're selling shoestrings because you have no money oh okay so you basically would go door-to-door and you'd be like I'm broke I'll sell you my shoestrings I just need a meal and people would kind of take pity on you give you some money and then you had a bunch of shoelaces and you'd go door-to-door basically like all I have is the shoelaces on my shoes I'm willing to sell them for a hot bowl

of macaroni and people like oh gosh fine we'll buy some shoe I think so I think I think that's what it is it seems to be wow it's just it while it always the like the intention is always relatable like poverty poor desperate as very related like scam real it's just the how the how is always fucking bonkers right I got a shoelace con don't worry we're gonna open a sporting house at no time I got 30 shoelaces and the water works come on when I like it yeah that's that's how they caught on he actually had didn't have one foot and was on crutches like I don't know yeah I sell one per yeah oh yeah okay so here it says both

were husky able-bodied looking fellows and the officer grab so they're saying they could work they can work oh the charge was changed to and the charge was changed to a tox intoxication Saturday morning okay I'm praying there I'm praying that they were hammered doing this what what do you mean we started a pyramid scheme hammered hammered the story becomes awesome this is where they're like when we get drunk we have great idea oh my god so great I would I mean I've been great to try that shit now yeah this were broke was a our shoelace we've got another dummy let's go next door

Wednesday afternoon a man giving the name of Jerry Shay walked into the BNO station at Chippewa Lake and throwing down a mask and revolver said he was tired of practicing the hold-up business I'm sorry this is this dude this dude like Antonio Brown robbery he also stated that on the previous evening he had held up two men at Creston and secured it's two dollars each from them so he's admitting that he robbed two guys he's fucking tired of it he's like I don't want to do this anymore it's just too it's too hard this life is hard you can also not tell the cops and just stop doing it just stop totally stop go to the shoe

late go the shoelace way or something it's dead you just I'm gonna confess and it's like he's it feels like he's bad at it too yeah he's also not at a police station I think he's he's at a train station is it a train station yes he's at a train station and he's just had it yeah he's sure I robbed places I took four dollars for two men yesterday I'm dead Sheriff Pat Hutchinson was sent for he took the man and locked him up in jail where he's being held pending an investigation I don't know how much we need to investigate yeah yeah he's pretty it's pretty cut pretty much told you where the bodies are buried yeah yeah

they just got to find the guys who are robbed and then why the train station then that also that's just a question why the train station you know sometimes you wait so long for public transit you just lose your shit fucking I killed a guy yeah his his train station was the same as playing against the jets that's he truly Antonio Browns that's just so front this is not a life I'm out of here okay so in the middle of page seven right square in the middle there's just a headline pretty I'm pretty excited and it's framed by a it's like framed okay lines around frame and the headline is just delicious sandwiches no

shut up what in the middle of all this Dave I must and I hope the answer is no is there any more information sandwich making is a culinary art which should be cultivated by the girl who likes to get an impromptu coalition summer schoolmates these are the first sandwich artists yeah this is the original wow somebody made a sandwich what the hell is that to make a bread wallet it's a meat wallet to make a bread leather to make attractive-looking sandwiches there should be provided an assortment of special cutters for the correct shaping of circles diamonds and triangles excuse

me wow oh so like finger sandwiches oh the square forms yeah utterly gone out of fashion oh there's so many times I've had a square sandwiches and I've been like who's how retro oh disgusting I won't eat a square sandwich I met the affluent attitude to turn down your food based on the shape I like I only eat stars yeah diagonals only excuse me in addition to fresh and potted ham tongue and chicken sandwiches made by laying or spreading the meat upon the buttered bread from which all the crust has been shaved there are many kinds of appetizing cheese sandwiches it basically just goes on and on explaining all the stuff you

can put between two pieces of bread give us a little more give us a little more chicken lobster and mixed salads that are stuck together with mayonnaise are excellent for sandwiches for the more delicate type while sour pickles mixed with ham roast beef and chicken sandwiches for pussies for a really sustaining luncheon there is nothing better than lean slices of roast beef chicken or turkey I would okay so let's say you don't know what a sandwich is and what meats do and the cuts of meat wait wait this is not this is not this is not an ad right this is just a guy explaining this is a story I'm about

to take about to break this sandwich story why don't I know something we can run the hell so I'm sorry I'm a little confused you take what and you put its bread what and what a sandwich this is right if it if that kid hadn't been stuffed in a telescope you'd be right on the front page with this sandwich boom oh okay so the top that here's the section of the paper devoted to women's work oh my god it's all it's it's it's it's the servitude section I mean are you you are basically saying that here the paper is like make men sandwiches ladies this is how it's done this is what you need to do oh my god also to

assume that women don't know how to make sandwiches is hilarious if there's nothing right about what just happened every part of it is wrong all right wait think one or two more day I'm crying yeah you should get a sandwich have you heard of these things I haven't I'm not a lady I don't know I wouldn't understand how did you make this Martha this is on the same page and I don't know how it fits in here but smell in the blind the blind have a sense of smell always exceptional and sometimes as keen as a dogs a set of physicians this position it's medical degree the women's and science section it's the shame

paper here we go we're gonna hit the women in the blind in this one you know the blind smell like a dog there they're gonna read it and get offended there is a young Baltimore blinded woman Julia C who can take a dozen gloves and after smelling the hands and face don't make her do this don't who is who is way all right there you go sniff this glove now you're gonna sniff the faces this is not a life shut up shut up and sniff you work for us now hey the blood hounds out what do you think about that blind lady she could work well she can't make the sandwiches might as well have a sandwich she can take a dozen gloves and after

smelling the hands and faces of several persons present present she can return each glove to the hand it belongs to I don't believe it I mean he is sniffing gloves and then sniffing hands and someone is observing this and it's okay and she sniffs a face and she hands in the glove what else are you gonna do with your blind daughter what is it can't make sandwiches this is the 1909 version of only fans is that what this feels like this is like hey $10 a month for the privilege of my daughter honestly a woman was a woman was selling farts at a jar you could easily do glove magic yeah a patient of mine if she stands by an

open window can tell by the smell who is coming toward her what I don't mean to say this is just blind propaganda but it's propaganda yeah this is the North Korean version of blind people this is big blind they can smell everything and they can shoot 30 in the gulf around it's almost like but he's like he this story is like blind people are also superheroes yeah yes the blind are X men the blind are ingenious in other ways I know a blind man who at a strange restaurant can tell in advance the approximate cost and quality of his lunch you're very right to flag it because the man the blind man

is not smelling prices he's just he's not he's just he's just not smelling price 30 cents good smells like a sale today yes it has really I think you're gonna have a small tab it smells like it I love you Charlie the blind they're very susceptible to smell the blind kid the find the kids parents get the blind on it the blind are very susceptible to love they love invariably beautiful persons love is nearly always tragic with them since their defect forbids a happy issue to their passion this is a suable article the blinds only way to defeat the blind is with love they fall hard and fast it's just so fucking

crazy they say love is blind but blind is love oh my god that was like describing dogs that it was really it's extremely offensive it's not a dwell Jesus Christ oh my god now on to the death by the way you care you want to know how much your groceries are gonna cost have a blind smell your car as long as he's lonely he can do the job as long as he does as a found love the blind is like the bloodhound they're blind hounds all right one more day although we're really peeking yeah yeah like a trip where right now I'm like I'm feeling the truth Jesus gun fired gun at peeper Charles Rouge of 92 and street was a rain

Saturday morning on charge of unlawfully discharging firearms in the city he pleaded not guilty and the case was continued about 10 o'clock Friday night a telephone message was sent to headquarters that a man was in the vicinity of Ann Street and bushel Avenue firing a revolver officer sharp was sent out to investigate and he found mr. Rush mr. Rush when your barf it when you shit barf it's a shark they found mr. Rush with a revolver in his possession Rush claims that some man was peeping in the kitchen window and he secured his gun went out of the house and fired it several times in the air

just blighted right in him away yeah wow he then started looking for the fellow and was walking on Carroll Street when officers sharp found him Jesus Christ I get there's no there was no peeping this guy yeah I agree he lost his mind for a second I agree he just fired a gun in the street he's like yeah I'm looking for the one-hour man or some guy peeping or he shot he shot at someone you know an actual person that you know was out and about ring yeah he's like I know there was a peeper and you know he she was actually trying to kill someone right well I hold on hold on okay all right here we go no we're getting what one

more story we're getting some late-breaking stories just saw the headline so I got it okay full sets of teeth for dogs well oh my god Dave how was this almost miss what just happened what the fuck are you talking by the way I don't believe it to be this but I'm hoping that they're talking about putting like straight-up human chompers yeah that's what I'll be glad to okay okay all right okay we're all hoping for the car to all right all right fingers crossed the news comes from London that many of the leading dentists there have established parlors for the treatment of dogs and that the patronage of the

owners of show dogs has made the innovation a profitable one a defective or decayed tooth may lose the prize to a dog otherwise perfect as to points and it is now a common practice with fanciers to send their pets to the dentist as regularly as wise parents send them their children single new teeth cost four to five dollars while as much as a hundred thirty five is paid for a full set of a beloved old canine member of the household wow now I'm going to guess that this was barbaric and didn't work because I've never heard of it there's no way there's no way by the way when you're cutting-edge dental

technology is coming from England big problem imagine the people in England human ones right imagine so this is this this is the in 1909 the picture in England there's people walking around with crazy mangled teeth and dogs walking around beautiful chopper perfect perfect teeth yeah the humans have dog mouths and the dogs have human and that's basically what England's dental system was founded upon wow that's man talking because and because earlier the guy couldn't afford five dollars a month for child support so for $135 it has it's always been haves and have not I mean really that's crazy you

know we're thinking about getting marbles and molars you'll have to excuse chance he's just got his braces we're thinking of the visitor line yes we think of a potentially invisible you know how mortifying it can be when you're trying to fix your teeth in front of your friends anyway two of mine just dropped out that's probably what it was it was probably when your owners started losing teeth you were like put them into dogs my dog deserves these teeth holy fuck I am sweating that was a really good one a son thank yeah you do it thank you for having me I'm really great now I can't believe all of this was news at

any point that we're very very happy to learn it together and huh so the dangerous broadcast a son Jay Ahmad on on Instagram and then you're just a son without the Jay Ahmad on Twitter yes yes yeah and when it and you come on the road with me sometimes and people are always like they're one of the main things people always ask is they're just like who the fuck was that due to open which is not a great number one comment to hear so not great but but so yes I would highly suggest that people check out your comedy in your podcast because you are fucking hysterical thank you man thank you thank you guys for having me

this was unbelievably fun I I think saying it was unbelievable is really fair