The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 85 - The Past Times with Ryan Rogers

Episode Date: August 2, 2024

Dave Anthony picks a newspaper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds. This week they are joined by comedian Ryan Rogers Redbubble Merch

And we are also brought to you by Airbnb. Now look, there's actually a couple times a year when a big group of my oldest friends and I, and they are old, get together and we will rent an Airbnb and stay in it for a few days over like a holiday weekend or something like that. It just always makes the experience a lot better because, you know, we're in a home. But on the road, if I ever have the choice between a hotel or an Airbnb I always go Airbnb just because it's better. I like a home over a hotel.

But recently I did start thinking well while I'm gone can I turn my place into an Airbnb? And the answer is yes. It can be as easy as putting your place up and then having a little more scratch generated from someone staying at my place while I'm on the road. So whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something more fun, your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how and how much at airbnb.ca slash host. All right, everybody.

Welcome to the pastimes podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. Ryan Rogers. Ryan, hello. Welcome to the show. Welcome to the party, pal. Hello, Divas. Can I call you Divas? Yes. Well, Dave's the diva and I'm a... You can just call me Gary. Everyone else does.

Whether I like it or not. Ryan, we met in New Orleans. That's correct. How did you like your time in New Orleans? It was brief. I will say the show was great. The worst part was when I was in the Holiday Inn and someone opened the door to the room that I was in with a key. Pretty classic.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a tradition here. I tried to get my money back and even though I didn't pay for it, I tried to get like credit and they were like, how about a soda? And I was like, all right. Yeah, that's typical. People think New Orleans is like hurricanes and hand grenades and Bourbon Street, but it's really just like hotel room invasions.

Yeah. No one stopped. hand grenades and Bourbon Street, but it's really just like hotel room invasions. Yeah. I actually have never thought New Orleans was about hand grenades. What's happening right now? And hand grenades, it's a drink. It's a classic New Orleans frozen drink that'll get you absolutely tanked and you'll forget where you're from. It's amazing. I actually had one of those once, and it was I'll never forget the experience

because I was legit hammered for like an hour 45. And then I was like, I think I'm sober. It was, I just snapped out of it. Is that part of it? Yeah, it's probably the green alcohol that just like probably works through your system. Did you have cocaine at all too? That'll burn it off.

Had a little cocaine. Yeah. There you go. See? Yeah. Had a lot of cocaine. That's the it all. Had a little cocaine. Yeah. There you go. So yeah, had a lot of cocaine. That's the classic cocktail. Well, right. So you have a special on OnlyFans, correct? I sure do. It's on LMAOF.

Weird name. So they could only fans at the end, but it's on OnlyFans TV. And I shot it a couple of months ago. And OnlyFans is getting into like this new comedy platform and cooking shows in reality TV to diversify its content. So I'm a part of that. Couldn't be happier about it. But we shot it a couple of months ago in Austin, Texas.

Laughs and buttholes. That's what I always say is the there you go. It's a combo. That's actually a club in New Hampshire. Oh, I love that club. It's great. Yeah, it's awesome. And if my jokes aren't funny enough, I'll always show hole. I won't. Yep. Yep.

That's the way to do it. There's all you gotta back up. Yeah. Yeah, literally. All right. So you might know this, Ryan. I know you listen to the show from time to time. We are gonna guess the date that this paper could be from. Since I'm one of the founders of the show, I go first. That seems all.

Yeah. And you know, it's America and all that. I'm going to guess that this paper is from the year. Wrong. Nineteen hundred. You. Baby. Hey, Ryan, just guess whatever you want want and I'll give you a hint. You'll give me 1879. Was that it? I'm going to say 1818 1841. Let's go all the way back.

It's closer. It's 1879. I just gave it to me. Yeah, I gave you a hint. There's a lot of bad. You gave him the... And I'm close. You're not closer.

Ryan's closer. I'm starting to think this is personal. Dave's like, let's just end this now, please. Yeah. That's the energy. That's on a loop. September 17th, 1879. the death of the energy that's the condom on a loop that, a dear

, this is yeah this is when they started asking for Biden to drop out of a It's grabby. Yeah. This is from Lafayette, Indiana. That's where the stories are. For some time past, the shoes worn by a young metal medical student of this city have been a source of constant curiosity and no little comment among his friends. OK. I don't I don't. How about this? I'll start. I don't care for this.

People are into his game. What's the headline again? Horrible if true, okay Setting up like this is horrible if it's true. These people have been checking out this dude shoes What could it possibly be? Why not go and horrible if shoe it's right there For those of you listening the two other gentlemen on the show are busting guts. They're having a giggle. It's horrible and not true. Yeah, thank you, thank you.

Burns in post really punched the laughter up here and cut out when they both said it wasn't true. It was certainly something unusual that created this attention for they were neither particularly large nor particularly small nor yet were they in either so good or so bad repairs as to excite more than a passing glance. They were simply a pair of ordinarily low shoes, but it was their texture.

Okay, he's wearing first of all, he's wearing normal flats. Well, that's what I was wondering, is this like the first time someone was like, I don't do boots and everyone was like, oh, oh, oh. He's just not sure. He's just not wearing heels. Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Yeah. It was their texture and the strange material of which they were constructed that made them at once curious and remarked.

It's skin. It's got to be skin. Baby skin. Yeah, it's baby skin. The leather is light brown in color and streaked with parallel veinings of a darker shade. So leather. The whole soft as milk. Oh, it's got a hole in it. OK, that's the difference. So it's got like a little bung. W-H-O-L-E. Sorry. Among his best friends, the doctor in embryo makes no secret of the mystery of his foot gear.

Quote, they are made from the skin of a bell of Cincinnati. Shut up. Wait, OK, now how are you spelling Bell is my question. B-E-L-L-E. No. What? He's got lady flesh shoes? Yeah.

I mean, they do that on drag race like once a week. So I don't see the problem here. It's pretty difficult. That's amazing. It's the flats part. Yeah. It's the flats part. It's the flats part that is absolutely killing me. The way it's going, they're not normally long or short or high.

It's just insane. Well, he probably was going for a boot and then just ran out a woman. It doesn't make sense. Let's make a low top. A she bark. He gave the name of one of the principal families of that city. And while the hair of his listeners begin to assume a perpendicular position. OK, so their hair is standing up.

They just stayed. Yeah. Yeah. He goes on to tell how during his term at college, he was one night sought out by resurrectionists, famous among the medical men the someone else. That's correct. They snatched it from a city cemetery. That of a beautiful young girl whose white flesh and costly ring on her smooth soft hand show her to be of no poor family. What a weird detail to toss in about your boot lady. Yeah, she's white. So we knew that she was rich. Is that what it's saying? Yeah, she was awesome. Just some poor little white woman. It was bought by several of the students and how when the body slashed by the knife of

the disector lay upon the table, he crept in and cut the skin from the round limbs. Oh my God. He's got arm shoes. Whoa. He's that shaming her. That's terrible. and a the It might be his go-to, old grip sack. The old grip sack. The skin was then tanned and polished and finally placed into the hands of a skillful workman and under his manipulations, transformed into a pair of low summer shoes.

Summer. Okay, they're seasonal. Cool. Yeah, don't make a faux pas. His pronouncement of this happening, it's actually made from a woman's skin. It's like what Kristi Noem was like, I shot my dog. Can I be vice president? Like, everyone's like, you're oversharing and you're done. Yeah, yeah. It's really, okay.

The remainder of the tan skin now lies in the shop and it is said may readily be produced to verify his story. The body of the poor girl hacked and mutilated, found a nameless grave while the mound reared to her memory in the cemetery of the city is draped with flowers and vines and planted by loving hands above an empty coffin. This got it got real sad. Yeah, this is. I mean, horrible, if true, is a grabber, but it's an understatement. I mean, this should be like man brags about female shoe. Shoe made from woman.

This is Ed Gein's. Yeah, and they're making it sound. Yeah, it's Proto Buffalo Bill. Also, like a great title for this would be Fashion Police. It would be awesome. That would be the best if some guy in there was just like, I think we better call the police. The Fashion Police.

Yeah, 100%. He can literally get arrested. We're moving on, right? I never want to. I just don't think it's fair to be like, we've accepted this reality, but keep going. What if this whole paper was about skin fashion? We're out of stories. Our second edition.

The shoes fashion from her flesh tread our streets every day. Their story, in all its hideous grotesqueness, is vouched for as strictly and absolutely true and certainly furnishes no mean leaf in the history of the dissecting room. Man. Oh, fuck. So she lives on. So it is a story of hope it's true it's uh it's legacy it's uh and i do mean leg uh oh wow that is some dark shit it's beautiful that is dark it's very dark

shit yeah the smallest bank robber in the world oh my god do we think it's a do we think It's great. Dark shit. Yeah. The smallest bank robber in the world. Oh, my God. Do we think it's a do we think it's a dog or a bird? Right. A bird is what I'm thinking. Yeah, it's got to be got to be a bird. A little finch. That's a that's a great headline, because I am like picturing a little man is like, yeah.

Here. Yeah. Put it in my lip sack. It seems that the mystery surrounding a robbery committed in the first national bank of the city many months ago was cast aside Tuesday morning. A long time ago, Mr. Farnsworth cashier of the bank missed one, two and five dollar bills frequently out of a small pasteboard box. He kept standing on the counter.

Well, I would say that's. I guess we've also really just outgrown what they put things in. Never heard of that one. Grip sacks a newbie. So here's just a currency on the counter. It's in a paste board box. I think it's I think a paste board box is probably like a cardboard box, right? I guess. I don't know.

Maybe I get maybe they didn't have that. Well, they probably had the drawer. box, right? I guess. I don't know. Maybe I get maybe they didn't have that. Well, they probably had a drawer. Yeah, right. I shouldn't. Yeah, right. But the counters still a great place for that. Yeah, yeah. That's where you keep it. On the count.

In all, there was 15 or 20 dollars taken. And then Mr. Farnsworth removed the temptation of the mysterious bank robber by doing away with the change box. So he moved. So he got rid of his box. Right. Tuesday morning, workmen were engaged in tearing down the old vault in the building formerly occupied by a first national situated on the corner of Broadway and Main Street and in a hole in the inside of the vault. Just above the door, they found

a dead mouse lying on top of a large sized nest. On making an examination of the nest, it was found to be wholly constructed of small pieces of one, two and five dollar bills. Ryan, I mean, you feel good? It's pretty much where you were at. I think I think we nailed it. A nest. I think I think we fully knives out this like immediately. Yeah, I was. But no, you did. I think we fully knives out this, like immediately.

Yeah, I was, no you did. I was the guy who was like, it was the teller. You're like, it's a little person who's like, stick them up. Yeah. Yeah. Was the circus in town? Get ready everyone, we got a tiny little man.

I like that the mouse is the smoking gun. So at this point in the story, if you haven't figured it out yet, you're like, what could it be at this point? Yeah, there's some readers are like, all right, who's the guy? Get to it. The pile was sufficiently large as to cause the officers

of the bank to believe that the entire $15 or $20 stolen were in the mouse's nest. And the remains of the defaulting bank mouse with its nest is on exhibition in Mr. Farnsworth's office in the plumber block. So it really was a mouse. Yeah, it really was a literal mouse. I it's it's it's actually a fairly nice ending for these times because I would just imagine they would just like stomp it with a shovel or something.

So and the mouse is dead when they found it. Oh, is it? Yeah, it was dead., I would just imagine they would just like stop it with a shovel or something are so , is it, and yeah sure that's true Yeah, it does. The mouse died laughing on his pile of money. It would be great if when they went in there, the mouse was still alive. And he was like, you've detonated a bomb that goes off. If I don't get 100,000 more dollars. I would love it if the mouse was just he'd already like spent the money

on extravagant things like skin shoes. That'd be really cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had a pair of boots on made out of human skin. Red, red bottom skin shoes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Next level. their boots on made out of human skin. Red bottom skin shoes. Yeah. It's like we're picking. Next level. Clergyman's Fall.

OK. The inhabitants of Brookville, Pennsylvania, and vicinity have been terribly scandalized because of the conduct of Reverend SS Miller, pastor of the Lutheran congregation of that place. the full full fucking until like 10 years ago. OK, so full on fucking. OK, I'm talking to everybody. All right. Yeah. All ages. Yes. We understand to know little height restriction.

I'm calling the I'm calling all the pastors and I think we're good. And yeah, no, I yeah, it's child fuckers. Super clear. Super clear. Super clear. They fuck kids. Not all of them. Yeah. Oh, 98 percent. Not all of them. Not all priests, is that what you're saying? Not all priests.

It's not great. It's not the right side of history. I don't. I won't do APAP. I'm dying. OK, the principal accuser was a member of the church who had been living in his family as a domestic who charged him with making dishonorable proposals to her. Oh, wow. Her. Yeah. I like that.

That is truly shocking to cover his tracks. Yeah, I'm in love with this lady over here. We don't believe you. What? It's true. Come on. Terrible if true. Yeah. The other priests were like, dude, stop. What are you doing? We a rep. The charges carried to the synod in a conference of ministers convened in the church. And Mr. Miller's case was taken up. The conference was held with closed doors, two entire days being spent in the hearing of the testimony. Wow. Okay, so you can you go over the thing you said again about your pen?

Yes. I've been pining for a woman and she... What? Could you just go over once again the details about the panties? Her panties? I'm not sure, I have not, I'm trying to... You saw them, right? You saw them.

Okay. In her room. I didn't... Correct? I mean, I suppose when I went in there I saw some undergarments, yes. What color were they? Were they silky?

They were white, but I really would rather tell you the story because I'm in quite a religious conundrum. We really need to narrow down this. Were they used? They were on the floor, so I would, I'm not, I'm not. They were dirty panties? I'm not here to, I'm actually not going to engage in. Well, I think you have to because you're, this is not. They were dirty. They were dirty panties? I'm not here to, I'm not actually not going to engage in. Well, I think you have to, because you're,

this is what we're here for. Well, they were on the floor, so I would assume she'd use them. They were dirty. I would assume they were. How dirty, how dirty do you think your panties were? That's a crazy follow-up to something when I was just telling you that I'm probably not gonna answer

is to say how dirty were they. We're just trying to get to the bottom of this. Well, the panties were at her bottom, and I'm not gonna keep engaging in whether or not they were filthy or not. Why, you want them to be soiled? Is that what you're after? No, we're just trying to get to the honest truth.

I would guess she'd worn them once. Did you touch them? I did not, and I won't answer any more questions about the panties. I wanna tell you why this is a tough situation for me. Okay. Because I recognize the church's stance on having feelings like this.

Were they still warm? All right, you know what? Yeah. They were still warm, so you did touch them. Yeah, it was like a calzone. Okay. So the misconduct in question is his interest in a lady? Yeah, that's right.

Okay, so that's what the paper was willing to report. Yes. So it means it's so much worse. The lady was nine. So the conference is held behind closed doors two days. The result was that Reverend S.S. Miller was found guilty of the charges preferred and is therefore suspended from the ministry, awaiting the approval of the General Synod upon the action of the conference. The affairs created a great deal and It sounds like you're trying to write. It sounded like it was for being straight. I was with you, Gareth, or it's like we have a reputation to uphold. Get the right. Yeah. All right. You're going to have to fuck two boys.

And then maybe we can get this thing back on track. You understand? Yes, we tried to fuck each other. They hired a maid. You tried to fuck her. You're a pro-boy. Yeah. And we are also brought to you by Airbnb. Now look, there's actually a couple of times a year when a big group of my oldest friends and I, and they are old, get together and we will rent an Airbnb and stay in it for

a few days over like a holiday weekend or something like that. It just always makes the experience a lot better because you know we're in a home. But on the road if I ever have the choice between a hotel or an Airbnb I always go Airbnb just because it's better. I like a home over a hotel. But recently I did start thinking well while I'm gone can I turn my place into an Airbnb? And the answer is yes. It can be as easy as putting your place up and then having a little more scratch generated from someone staying at my place while I'm on the road.

So, whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something more fun, your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how and how much at airbnb.ca slash host. Well, this is a good followup. Teaching birds to sing. That's absolutely. the the that's absolutely teaching dolphins to swim The young birds are placed into classes of six to ten each and kept in the dark.

It's torture. It's torture. Now, when you are ready to sing, you can come out of your dark boxes. This is actually how Charlie XCX makes music. This is it. As they are fed, a little hand organ is played. This is adorable. It's so German. People had nothing to do in the dark.

In the dark. Yeah. They had absolutely nothing to do. And some I would argue this is torture. I mean, yeah, it would be torture. It was just me. I was the boy taking me out into a crowd. Finally, the birds commence to associate the music with feeding. And when hungry, they commence to sing a few notes to the tune they hear daily.

All right. Now I don't hate it. This is fucked up. Now I don't hate it. It's just conditioning. Yeah, yeah, it's conditioning. They're mimicking the tune because they know food is associated with it. I mean, I have a much similar thing going on with Luke over here. So I know you do. the, I don't think you're allowed to say what the birds like. They're like just like fear based now. They're like, huh? The most difficult part is the starting of the birds, some of which have to be kept a

long time in the dark and on starvation rations before their obstinacy is overcome. It's total torture. Obstinacy. It's Total. Obstinacy. It's total torture for bullfinches. I mean, there's even a bullfinch has to be quite small. That is. Oh, good for you. Light is for the closer.

Come in here, VIPs. Wow, that is so wild. Yeah, it's insane. Just bird torture. Yes, it real like we're saying. I mean, this is definitely there's like seat like the government was like pretty interesting. Hmm. Something to think about for a while and see where we doodle it to.

It doesn't even feel like base level science. It's like we played music in the dark and they sang and we brought them outside and they sang again. And I'm like, yeah, well, no, they did anything that wasn't pitch black. I think they were responding positively to whatever it is. Yeah. Yeah. Well, the singing was just like, oh, my God, I'm free. Yeah. Seed, sweet seed. I'm out of the crazy jail. Yeah

Always singing so nicely. How was back today, honey? This this story is actually the inspiration for tar the movie tar this is it About a conductor movie great. Holy fuck that movie is crazy The virtues of the lemon. Finally, an eminent physician says lemon juice is the best. It ties sorbotic, sorbotic. I don't know. Remedy known. It is it not only cures the disease, but prevents it.

Sailors make a daily use of it for this purpose. Well, yes, to prevent scurvy. Yeah. So this is when they're finally like, hey, good news. This is actually the best news. It had to be huge. Helpful information the first time in this paper. This is amazing.

The first time a guy discovered that, it must burn a little bit. But the first time a guy's like, oh, I spilled lemon in my wound. Someone's like, you idiot. And then I got it, oh, I spilled lemon in my wound. So I was like, you idiot. And then he's like, oh, tell you what, little life's coming back to the old leg. I advise everyone to rub their gums with lemon juice to keep them in health. OK, kind of a little weird. It's just the tooth situation, the gums back then.

Yeah. Like when they're just like a lemon, make your mouth feel a little alive again, you know what I mean? And you're like, oh, the breath. But people just go like, yeah, you put a little lemon in there and make a fucking mouth back. Yeah, that's the classic laugh. You had Indiana accent is that right? Yeah, he nailed it. He nailed it. Yeah, I've traveled.

The hands and nails are also kept clean, white, soft and supple by the daily use of lemon instead of soap. So people just lemoning up there just like they're marinating. Yeah, just put a lemon all over yourself, you stupid bitch. Put a lemon on it. Put the lemon on it. It also prevents chill blades. Oh, chill blends. Do you know what chill blades are? Yeah. What are chill blades? the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the issue, I think. So it's like blood doesn't get to like, like fingers or toes or certain appendages. And then they start to kind of deaden and there's nerve damage and all that shit. Okay, people, we don't have that. I don't know what you're talking about. That's insane. Well, we're going to get it to you as soon as you really possible. Okay. We're coming for you. Chill blades are itchy, swollen and painful lumps or patches on your skin. Never mind. After exposure to cold, but not cold temperatures.

Yeah. But the cure for chill blades is like heat, basically. And lemon. And lemon. And lemon. Rub some lemon on it. Lemon is used in intermittent fevers mixed with strong hot black coffee without sugar. Neurogeo. Neurogeo. Neurogeo. Neurogeo. Neurogeo. Interminted fevers mixed with strong hot black coffee without sugar Neurogeo neuralgia neural neuralgia neuralgia

Yeah, I think that's a say neuralgia may be cured by rubbing the part affected with a cut lemon It is also valuable to cure warts and to destroy dandruff on the head by rubbing the roots of the hair with it. Boy, so it's everything. It's everything. The limitless power of lemons. Put it in your eyes. I mean, just walking around and seeing people like, we're going out tonight. In fact, its use are manifold, and the more we employ it externally,

the better we shall find ourselves. National remedies are the best, nature's our best, doctor, if we would only listen to it. Decidedly rub your hands, head, and gums with lemon and drink lemonade. Okay, so it's an ad. It's not an ad. It's just... It's a scientific breakthrough.

I mean, usually there'd be like a... So come and use Dr. Robert Lemons. Yeah, or send me a dollar and all. But there's no there's no advertisement attached to this. There's no part of me feels like Big Lemon is behind this. And there was too many. There was a bigger lemon shipment than they expected. And they were like, you know, lemons, what lemons good for

literally everything, everything, everything. Rub it on your hair, your gums, your dick, your balls, your bong, your feet. Lemons, Get your lemon. An interesting medical treatment. Miss Lucy Webster, wife of Nathaniel Webster of Gloucester, who has been very ill for the last three years with consumption of the blood, being so low that hopes of her recovery have been given up has been benefited by the experiment of transfusing blood into her veins. Boy, they're having a lot going on right now.

Yeah. We can lemon our bodies up and then internally we're doing blood swaps. Yeah. Some four weeks since a Boston physician was called and the operation of transferring a quarter of a pound of blood. They don't use that. They're not using that measurement anymore. Let me get a quarter pound of blood. From a healthy lady into the arms of Miss Webster was successfully performed and she

received a decided benefit there from This is crazy that it's the fourth story like the thing that led Shoes and then rat fucking bank And then lemons are good, and then it's like no blood transfusions work. That's like The one the one that can definitely get dropped from the is the fact that a mouse took $5 bills wasn't even that much money. It's not that impressive. That was $20. It's barely a story. They were like, and the culprit was a mouse.

Also, blood can save you. I just, like, reframing it that way, that was so funny too, where it's like, a bank had a rodent problem. That's the problem. Not even a problem, a mouse. One mouse took fives. From someone who was negligent.

And now they're just like, oh, also we've cured scurvy and blood issues. In one day. in one day. In one day. On Tuesday morning, a similar operation was performed and a pound of blood was successfully transferred and marked improvement as the result. It is hoped that a cure may be affected and the case is watched with intense interest.

You had it had to be so fucking amazing to be in the room where some guy was just like, I mean, what if we gave her like someone else's blood and they were all, yeah, right. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't know. Maybe we just, it's the same guy who was like, maybe we should wash our hands. And they're like, no, fuck you. Hey, Todd, Todd, you take a minute.

Stop pitching for a little while. You're getting crazy. What if we put lemons in our hair and then I gave you some of my blood? You high. A pound. One pound. It's amazing. What a time. What a beautiful time. I was fucked up. Although the president and members of the cabinet are, the best what a combo and the Sometimes those will hit. He is the private secretary to Rutherford B. Hayes. That's who he is. Oh, OK. So he's the private secretary of the president. And he's staying home during cattle and pumpkin shows.

And this was news after blood transfusions were invented. That's cool. That's correct. That's correct. Yep. Right after we figured out that blood could be transfused into sick people and help them. We've also got a guy who's missing out on a little bit of fun on the farm.

It's sweet pumpkin action. Yeah, this is very considerate of Secretary Rogers. If he should happen to go away for a day or so, the whole machine might go to smash. Hold on to the runner, Rogers, and keep the shit out of the breakers. Keep the shit out of the breakers, Roger. That guy was my great, great, great grandfather, by the way. I was going to say, is there any? And we haven't been looking at pumpkins or cattle ever since. Oh my God.

You people, that's so sad. So diligent. The story is he's diligent and we like him. Yep. The story is that he's working. Yeah. Which I guess would be nice to read now. For real, though, elected official working. Elected official missing out, swamped, not trying to. Did you see Marjorie Taylor Greene when she spoke, how she kept going, eeeh? No, really? At the convention? Yeah, she like

was, someone was like, you come off horrible. And so she's like had smiling lessons or something. Oh, she's doing the Kamala thing where Kamala just laughs and smiles all the time. Yes, it's it's it's in that realm. But instead, it was just like she has this fake ass smile on, but she kept going like, eh, act natural. Yeah, like she was like human. Yeah, it's like a demon trying to laugh and hum. Yeah, right. Yes.

So unsettling. Should rub a little lemon on that mouth. I didn't want the only thing of the convention I watched was was Trump walk walking out with the bandage. That was all I needed. I watched a couple of things just, you know, it's honestly it's more exciting to watch the reaction of the people on cable news who are like, I mean, they're basically just like, how the fuck can we not beat this guy?

Except for Vance Jones, who's like, boy, that every Republican. Well, that person has a big future, huh? That person's great. What a speaker. Yeah. Yeah. My favorite was all the audience shots of the people wearing the ear bandages. Yeah. And I thought that was fucking crazy until I got on Instagram and saw a comedian that I worked with in Houston who was selling them., the L5 good that's a pretty good I mean if someone someone would pay for that that is and they are yeah insane yeah I don't know what his bid is about it must be great yeah that's hilarious thought yeah anything anything I'm selling that ear bandages after people that's pretty good the state fair opened at Philadelphia on Monday of I know one secretary that won't be making it. Rogers, because he's working.

He's got to work. He's got to steer the ship. You know how I know that joke hit? I thought the zoom froze because you both were just like, we're waiting for more. Yeah. Well, that's what they say you're supposed to do in comedy. Oh, yeah. That's my favorite thing is they weren't laughing

because they were listening. It's what I heard. I've heard that one where they're like, everyone was really smiling, though. Yeah. Oh, good. Yeah. That'll get back here. The state fair opened at Philadelphia on Monday of last week under peculiarly favorable auspices. There was an abundance of fine cattle, sheep that are described as walking clowns of wool, burly porkers, sleek and sumptuous, some of the finest horses in the country. This is written by a Scottish guy. Plenty of colossal squashes, miraculous turnips,

marvelous cabbages, luscious peaches and delicious grapes. That could also be from Trump's teleprompter a little bit. Yeah, totally. Sheeps that look like big, beautiful clouds. And just luscious, some of the most luscious squashes you've ever seen. I kind of want to read the thing that he said that someone posted today. Finish this and then do it in between.

That's it, the exhibition of livestock is said to be especially. I thought this was the same tweet, delicious grapes. Delicious grapes, luscious lambs. Okay, ready? Some of the most beautiful pumpkins. Yeah. By the way, I watched a little of that and it was,

I would, you were just watching it just like, I mean, this can't help him. Like this is insane. No, he doesn't make any sense. It's just. That makes no sense. No, he makes no sense. He's just a mad man ranting.

And this great iron dome will be built entirely in the USA. We're going to build it in the USA and Wisconsin, Wisconsin, just like I gave you that massive ship contract and you're. And you're doing a nice job, Governor, right? Thank you, Governor. That was to Scott Walker, by the way. And Scott Walker looks like Mickey Mouse and he was like, and he's not the governor. No.

And they're doing a great job. In fact, I had a little design change and we gave them a tremendous for essentially what we use to call destroyers. These are now the most beautiful. They look like yachts. I said, we have to take the bow and we have to make it a little nicer and a little point at the top instead of a flat nose. And the people at shipyard says, this guy sort of knows what he's doing. And we had the most beautiful ships, right governor? And everybody's sitting

over there. And it was a big contract that everybody wanted I gave it to Wisconsin But we're going to have a lot of that built right here in the state of Wisconsin and all other states Israel Take your targets Israel has an Iron Dome. They have a missile defense system. 342 missiles were shot into Israel and only one got through a little bit. It was badly wounded. It fell to the ground, but most of them are...

Poor thing. Badly wounded. Poor thing. I had to call the missiles family and let them know. And Ronald Reagan wanted this many years ago, but we really didn't have the technology many years ago. Remember, they called it Starship, spaceship, anything to mock him. But he was a very good president. Very, very good. I did watch that part and I was like, what the fuck is going on?

But when the camera panned to Scott Walker and he was like, yeah, for sure. It was like, he's awful and not the governor. I mean, so much of that doesn't make sense. It's just amazing. We're going to build it in Wisconsin, only in Wisconsin and everywhere else. I mean, I don't understand. We're going to build it in all the bad events. It's it's nuts.

Was Scott Walker ever the governor of Wisconsin? Yeah. Yeah. So that's what he's saying. He's calling him governor because he used to be. Yeah. But it's also like it's like he like it was the nod of like, you're going to help me do it, right? Guy who used to be the governor. The guy who oversaw Foxconn.

There is no difference between the man who enters your premises at midnight and robs you of your money and the man who makes a newspaper for a year or two and then removes it to another locality without paying up a rearages or even informing the editor of his whereabouts. Oh, fuck. If there is any difference, the latter is the greatest scoundrel of the two. Oh my God. Fuck you, Tommy. Is this, I'm sorry, is this still the Trump brand

or what is this? No. It's not like the same. It went straight from delicious, luscious sheep to the Trump fucking Wisconsin thing to this. And I was like, this could all be the same. There's no difference between the guy who enters your premises at midnight and he's taking your things and the guy who moves,

who moves his newspaper after you've gotten used to his columns and he's made you like his columns and then he yanks it off. Yeah, if anything, the worst could be the latter. The latter could be considered the worst. We're gonna make that paper right here. We're gonna make that paper right here in the bathroom where I'm taking a shit right now. And all the other bathrooms,

it'll be for all the bathrooms. Someone tried to take a shit in Israel and it wasn't even a turd. By the way, they should make air pods that are the Trump bandage. Don't give them that idea. They're going to do it. Yeah, go. They're going to do.

This is insane. This is just the nuts rude, like calling out being a bitch section. Yes. Could you imagine like if Trump loses just the video of everyone taking off their little ear thing at the party? It has to happen for so many reasons, but comedically, it has to happen. Comedically, it has to happen.

Comedically, it has to happen. It's the funniest thing. It's an appeal to all people who like comedy that after all this, he loses. It will be the funniest thing that will ever happen with Donald Trump. I mean, his head will pop, and not from a sniper. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, Larseny Extraordinary. LARCINY EXTRAORDINARY One night last week, some rascally cuss entered a potato patch of Mr. Frank Coons near West Coastville and carried away a large pot of potatoes that have been dug up the day previous and left on a heap in the field for drying out. OK. OK. OK. This is what my mother does regularly.

But do you leave them in the garden to dry out? No, that's the weird part. You take them home. Right. One day I went gleaning, quote unquote, with her, and it was like 30 pounds of potatoes. I was like, by the time I got back, I'm like, my back is really bad. Does she have a garden or you guys going out in the wilderness and wild? No, you know, foraging. Yeah, it's cool. Yeah.

You can have a video of doing it on you. You're forging in the wild for potatoes. Well, on a farm. Oh, you paid you pay to go out and potato it. Now you ain't paying. Yeah. So you're poaching. That's right. Her and her sister go to this field

and they poach potatoes. And you I had never done this before, but we were you were. My mother is 76 years old. She was probably 74 or so, pulling these roots out and like six or seven potatoes are uprooted and then you're just tossing them in a bag on this farm where they've already kind of farmed it. So that's where you're allowed to. And I'm like, then why are we rushing and why is the car running?

Yeah, why is the car running? Why did you just tell me to shut the fuck up? Why? Why am I dressed like a bush then? Yeah, why am I in that bush outfit? Why did you say we're combat fatigues? It's fine. Well, I think if they have already harvested it, then it's fine. And then when we got to the road, she goes, shut the fuck up.

Five, I'll be too. If anyone asks, you're a farmer. What? Shut up. OK. It is a it is a great pity, indeed, that the Murphys taken had not previously been liberally dosed with Paris Green. Paris Green is capitalized. So some sort of poison or something.

I like it. But why would you dose potatoes? OK. Never mind. Because of my mother. To kill to kill Irishmen. I mean, oh, yeah, it's. Oh, yeah. Paris Cream is used as an insecticide. Oh, OK. Yeah. Mr. Coons is but too thankful that the thief was generous enough to pick out all the big ones and leave the small ones behind,

which is what they did. I bet the potatoes you pulled out were small, right? Some were pretty big boys. I'm going to point out very quickly that first developed in 1814 Paris cream green was a green colored inorganic compound composed of copper acetate all right and arsenic trioxide Jesus Christ so there you go killing both McDonald's fries yeah killing both the bugs and the humans yeah I don't feel right put a little lemon in your

belly I love that potato icing is a part of your family history, Gareth. You're like, I relate to this story in so many ways. Well and asparagus too, and those are the big players. And my mother was like, when you have this asparagus, and I'm just talking shit, and then I go there, I'm like, this is the best asparagus I've had in my life. And the potatoes were unbelievable. I never had fresh potatoes from the garden, but we had a ranch when I was growing up. And they had, previously years before,

they had someone who planted asparagus. But now it grew wild all over near the canal. Oh, that's the best. Oh my god, so fucking good. Asparagus is the best. One time I was eating so much asparagus that my regular, every night, my piss stopped smelling. Is that okay? Ryan you're a doctor. Yeah. No, no, no that checks out for sure. Okay. I would just say some stuff

We don't probably don't say out loud. I just as I finished that I thought maybe this is one of those inside thinking things Mm-hmm. No, I feel like we needed to know it. Maybe we put a little lemon on the podcast a Mm hmm. No, I feel like we needed to know it. Maybe we put a little lemon on the podcast. A house on wheels. Oh, innovation. Let's go. It's going to go so many ways. Can't wait. Mr. Harrison Moore of lower Mokungi recently bought from his father.

I love Mokungi. A frame of a frame summer house standing about a half mile from his own property and to transport which to where he wanted on his own grounds without taking it apart required considerable planning. So he wants to move the house without deconstructing it. Yeah. The correct idea was, however, soon struck and successfully carried out.

The correct idea. Two hickory trees of sizable size of sorry, of suitable size were cut down and transformed into sort of a sled. And the house rolled the board. It's called house key. And then the whole thing moved with four horses to Mr. Moore's premises. Yeah, it's not wheels. No, it's a sled.

Yep. House. So it's house sled. Very cool. Yeah, house sled is much better than the house. I don't hate it. I thought the story was going to be this was how we invented trailers. That's what I thought. Yeah. I'm like, that's mobile home.

This is so much better. Yeah. It must not have been moving in very far, though. Also, the risk in that time. I mean, half a mile. It's that's a distance. Well, yeah, for that time with this with a sled, let's just say. Well, I always think that when it's like, you know, you're driving across the country and you see like those houses where there, you know, people are trying to transport

their entire house and it's like four trailers. You're just like, yes. Every time I see that, I'm like, I don't think this is worth it, no matter how much you like this. Yeah, that's what I always think. I'm like, well, I guess it's I mean, just the idea that that's an actual option is so fucking nuts. Yeah. Be like, well, you can take your house. It's like, I thought of that. That's a really.

Yeah. I'll just pick it up. Move it for you. Though a seemingly huge undertaking, it was accomplished without any great difficulties and without the least injury to the building. Well, I did it. Crazy. They pulled it off. Did they say why they needed to move the house? I think he just wanted to be closer to his dad's house is what it sounds like. Half mile. I mean, a half mile in the 1800s feels like a step. So, OK. Yeah. Yeah.

Be closer to my dad's house. I can't imagine this. It's insane. Well, David. Well, yeah. Large sweet potato from Ohio. It's a very potato heavy paper. Dr. David Biedler accompanied the recent excursion from this city to Ohio, principally to pay a visit to his son, Milton,

who resides on a farm near West Lodi, some miles distant from Tiffin, and whom he found to be very prosperously situated. He had very fine crops of all kinds during the season, and for which he is realizing very fair prices. Among other things, he in the spring put a patch of ground in sweet potatoes and with very good results. The crop proving very large, also fine in quality.

The soil seemingly being very well adapted to the growth of root crops. Is this Gardner porn? This guy wants to fuck the soil. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah The parent returned home to this place last week and brought along a lot of the sweets a couple of them were of which was placed by him on our table and Than which we have never seen any finer Jesus what is going on? right this Jesus. What is going on? All right, this one, he gave us a potato, write a story. I can't help but think that 90% of the things we're talking about now sound like the Trump

speech. They put it on the table. It measured 10 and a half inches in length by five and a half in circumference. 15 hard. Holy my God, look at this thing. Oh my God, not 15 hard. Put your tongue on it, see what it does. I'm cut.

Terrible. God. It weighed less one ounce less than a pound. Just the right size for roasting. While we have seen larger ones, we never tasted any of better quality. We're glad to know that Mr. B. Junior is so well situated and that the season has favored him so well. Jesus. It sounds like he's blackmailing the reporter for something.

Wow. That was so weird. So hot. I know. Far more erotic than it ever needed to be. Yeah. Right. Truly. Yeah, truly, yeah. Just full on pornography for potatoes. I should call Pam and let her know about that. Mom, they found the winner. The potato fits in your ass so sweetly, and it stays there.

I ate it, but not with my mouth. Yeah. it, but not with my mouth. Yeah. It's terrible. Chime of the bells. We learned that the steeple with which the German Catholic Church in North fourth on North Forestry is now being topped is as soon as completed to be furnished with a chime of nine bells. So they put the top on a chime of nine bells. So they put in a top on a church, the top on church.

So we're back to the story again. Several members have been subscribed large sums, and there seems to be no doubt that the full amount required will be speedily raised. This will be a novel and beautiful improvement to our town and will be hailed with delight by most, if not all citizens. Most, if not all. That's weird. That's also weird. Yeah.

Most people are going to love this, if not everyone. Look, yeah. Worst case, it's most, which is pretty good. It will afford a grand free concert hall and will indeed be music for the million. In this case, it's most, which is pretty good. It will afford a grand free concert hall and will indeed be music for the million. It's quite a promise. The music of a chime of bells always has a solemnly grand effect upon the mind, particularly when their sweet clear tones break the stillness of a Sabbath morning with a melody of devotion. Like the effect produced by the grand old cathedrals of middle ages, it awakes indescribable emotions

and shuts out for a while the grosser and more worldly thoughts of our natures. Okay, this is like a real weirdo who's like, how great is it when chimes shut the spirits in your brain up for a little while? Those demons telling you to go over there and just hatch in a lady's head off or something? Little chime will take that right out of you. the And so just filling in more information about how bells work and how they might feel. It's fucking crazy.

Bells are known to quiet your thoughts, too. On a solemn day. Wow, it does sound like it doesn't know what the next word is going to be. Yeah, right. Every word is like, yeah, just vamping. Yeah. Bell vamps. Although this perspective acquisition to our town may not add to our material prosperity, it will be another evidence of the growing taste and refinement of this community and will be among the things that serve to ennoble and not degrade our lives. Jesus Christ. These

bells are going to make us classy as fuck guys. I mean there's a lot of weight on these bells. These bells are going to fix everything. We fuck, guys. I mean, there's a lot of weight on these bells. These bells are going to fix everything. We're not going to be dirty shit people anymore. We hope soon to be able to chronicle the successful accomplishment of the enterprise. So we're talking about a post bell era where they're like, and get ready. Definitely some like skin, like some like like snake oil salesman came to town and was just like, y'all heard of bells?

Well, I'll tell you what, I was just up the road in another town and the bells have turned that city right around. That is so fucking funny to me. Old Mr. Wilkins, stop fucking his dog. Well, I'll tell you what, if they start using those bells, I stop banging my dog. You all stop.

You'll stop banging your dogs, too. Oh, I doubt that. The bells kind of like an iron dome on top of the church. Summerhouse burned. OK. On Sunday week, the summerhouse of the farm of Mr. Milton Schaeffer near Braggansville in the occupancy of Mr.

Hilbert was totally destroyed by fire. So he was renting it out. Sure. Yeah. Only the greatest efforts of the neighbors who speedily gathered were the flames prevented from communicating with the main dwelling and barn. The conflagration was caused by one Mr. Hilbert's children throwing fire on the roof of the building. Is that bad? Should you make people throwing fire on the roof?

I mean, I guess this is a quick question for those of you who are in. Does fire start fire ever? Can fire start a fire? Holy shit. It's just throw. How do you throw fire? Well, you probably I mean, you probably light like a torch or something. I guess. But maybe they just lighting.

Hey, they threw a flaming torch. They were throwing fire. Children, not one badass little kid. Children were throwing fire. Again, I've said this like 10 times. The child has powers and you need to stop him. Come on, we got a summer house. That'll get it out of him.

Once the bells come, he'll become less demonic. Once we get the bells, Chuckle, stop throwing fire. Holy shit. Well, fuck. And what a ride. Yeah. So many highlights. The story was I'm sorry, the house partially burned down. No, it totally burned out, totally destroyed.

Yeah, because multiple many of the children, many of the children. Yeah, his children. I are at the yes, they were his children. Where are you? Yeah, they throw a fire. I've never thrown fire. Yeah, that's why Airbnbs are so pricey. Well, Ryan, listen,

thank you for joining us in a paper that highlighted the and bees are so pricey. Well, Ryan, listen, thank you for joining us in a paper that highlighted the I when I look back, I think the most important story was that of a mouse who is nicking five dollar bills from a bank and making a nest out of it.

I was never to get over skin flats and never happened. No, that's true. We knew we were we knew we had to buckle up at that point. And don't get buried blood transfusion very deep in this paper Yeah, yeah, yeah, plus the lemon breakthroughs all that stuff just really feels like 18 papers were read today

What what's the name of your special again from on only fans, right? Oh, you just find it on a Oftv.com and you can search Ryan Rogers. You can find me on Instagram at Ryan A Rogers and TikTok Ryan Rogers Comedy. I'm having a blast. Thank you guys. Well, we appreciate you joining us. Come back again.

And, Dave, why don't you say something really important at the end of this. I say this at the end of almost every podcast that we do here on the past times but you really everybody needs to stop throwing fire so true and this felt like one where the paper almost like played into that message you've been Bob Barker for a while I think so that's awesome. And don't steal potatoes. Yeah. And also don't steal potatoes. Wow.

What an asshole, right? All right, everybody. We'll see you next week on the potatoes. Thank you, guys. Some of these days, you'll miss me, honey. Some of these days. And we are also brought to you by Airbnb. Now look, there's actually a couple times a year when a big group of my oldest friends and I, and they are old, get together and we will rent an Airbnb and stay in it for

a few days over like a holiday weekend or something like that. And it just always makes the experience a lot better because you know we're in a home. But on the road if I ever have the choice between a hotel or an Airbnb I always go Airbnb just because it's better. I like a home over a hotel. But recently I did start thinking well while I'm gone can I turn my place into an Airbnb? And the answer is yes. It can be as easy as putting your place up and then having a little more scratch generated from someone staying at my place while I'm on the road. So whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something more

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