The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 9 - Jillian Bell: The Past Times

Episode Date: January 13, 2023

Since the first American newspaper was published in 1690, millions more have been printed.  This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and writer, actress, comedian Jillian Bell. New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday.    Hello Fresh

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newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week Jillian Bell. Hello Jillian. How do you do? How do we do? Dave answer the question. How we do? We do good. We do okay. We do it okay. Jillian at the top here why don't we promote your show that you have on sci-fi which there's every Wednesday at 11 15 called the poll. I mean I feel like you just did it for me. I did. There you go. It's a show. It's an animated show that's a little naughty more naughty than nice I would say and I just created that in that moment by the way. It sounds

like something I'm reading to promote the show. And then it says this after it it's like do not admit that you are reading this. Guarantee it is actually organic. It provides it provides that it's organic. But it's kind of like Veep said at the North Pole. Interesting. Okay everyone say 11 15. That was not what I was expecting as a description. Really? Tune in David. Yeah I'm ready for it. I want to see Naughty Santa. I want to see Santa get down. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah it's definitely about to take that pervy turn. Dirty midnight Santa. I can see it. I'm able to sort of see it like through radar so

I'm going to say right now Dave stop. All right what do we got Mr. Anthony. All right so I picked the Grand Island Daily Independent from Grand Island Nebraska which is I think it's a couple hundred miles north west of Kansas City. Sure I think okay and Dave do you locate every city is Kansas City your north star is that everything I judge off of where Kansas City. Okay it's just how I know stuff. It's a strange landmark but okay if that's I think that's have a lot of people learned geography. You know it's like 80 minutes away from Kansas City. So I'm from Las Vegas so where is that in relation to Kansas City. Yeah how

would you get there. It's about a thousand miles southwest of Kansas City so I would just drive if I was driving I would just drive I would drive as the crow flies from Kansas City. I wouldn't use roads. Oh that's great who needs ways. Yeah yeah ways is dumb. The crow path. Go. It's perfect. This the date is January 4th 1911. Oh great date. Great great year also great year. What a great year. Yeah yeah. All right let's start page one McClellan man found in Denver. Now Jillian what you'll find is that the headline you're like why is it a story. I think that's a question you ask

class. Yeah I'm like wait this is the top story this is the main headline. Well it's a big one. The main question is and this will be this will this is how we determine how shit this paper will be. Is this person dead or alive. If this person is alive it is a bonkers headline. He's dead. He has he better be dead. I don't mean to root for the death but. Wow. All right well let's see Council Bluffs Iowa through the efforts of the police Albert Thomas the McClellan Iowa merchant who was reported missing last Friday has been located in Denver. Okay so he was missing. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. In answer to a

description sent out and a request to locate the Denver authorities telegraph that they had located Thomas at the Oxford Hotel. So this version of missing is first class. It's just when you leave and don't tell people. He took a little trip. Yeah. Yeah. W. Thomas the father of the missing man started for Denver intending to find out the course of his son's sudden disappearance and if possible to bring him back to his deserted wife and family. The wife is reported in a precarious condition. Wait so this whole story is just a man went on a secret vacation he didn't tell anyone about. Dude just bailed. Yeah. Yeah. Oh

yeah. Precarious position. Yes. Yeah. Okay. And the dad went and so this is not a missing persons correct to Jillian's point this is. Oh well it's a it's a missing persons in the sense that the guy didn't say goodbye. Right. Okay. Oh this is the Irish exit. This is why you don't Irish exit. That's right. You don't do it because he's been gone for four days. You're like I'm home. I'm seven states away from Kansas City. What more do you want from me. I'm right here. This is the equivalent to Gareth Reynolds went missing. Found at the Parker Hotel in Palm Springs. Yeah. Yeah. Have a good presentation. In the pool. At Parker

unaware of absence. I'm missing. I mean he's at the Oxford Hotel which sounds very fancy. Yeah. For sure. And yeah. And you've got to deliver the information that oh God you were missing and what a relief. And he's like oh I just went to meeting some buddies. Kicking it. So Thomas left McClellan early last week saying he was going to Omaha in order to buy a stock of shoes. I'm going to go buy a stock of shoes in Omaha. Bye bye. That's my new exit line by the way. Well I'm off. I'll be buying a stock of shoes. Farewell everyone in Omaha. I can't tell you the number of times I've used the old stock of shoes. Well I

have a but I have a stock of shoes I should get to. So I should skedaddle. Hey honey you don't work in a shoe store. No but that's still got to get the stock while they're ready. They're there in Omaha. It's a little ways away from Kansas City. I'm sorry. Bye darling. It's not weird. I don't. Stand up. That looks precarious. As he had a large amount of money with him it was feared upon his failure to show up at any of the wholesale houses the man had met with foul play. The father is at a loss to explain his son's strange action in deserting his family. An unbalanced mind was not one hypothesis advanced. But the

Denver police say that the man is mentally bright. What. There's just I mean. Yeah. Well for the Denver police to. I mean that's like a men's score. Oh the contrary. This man is extremely bright. I think I think if I wrote a book about myself it would be called an unbalanced mind. Balance my with just that great picture like a nice headshot. Too big of a smirk. That's got to happen. An unbalanced mind by Jillian Bell. The New York Times quote is just three question marks. Here's one. Was illegible. Handwritten. Not well either. Here's a headline. No new candidates. No new

candidates for senator have appeared this week as yet. But it is regarded as possible. There will be others. Wait. That sentence doesn't feel grammatically correct. It's pretty bad. No. No. No. No. But again it's the absence of a story. Yes. The news is that nothing is happening. Yes. Right. Right. Prepare for events. It is regarded as possible that Senator James A. Smith may yet permit the use of his name. So he might be in. He might be in. Perm. He might be in the race. Yeah. That's what they're saying. Just saying in a way that you would never say it. I mean it is. I missed the time when

you like you couldn't find people to run for office instead of now where you're like oh god. Everyone. I'll do it. You're like these are crazy people. I'm 100% going to run if Newsom gets recalled. Absolutely. I'm running. It'll be the get 200 of us but it'll be hilarious. Well that's what happened last time with Schwarzenegger. You were like okay. Yes. Actually I do like some of Gary Coleman's economic ideas. What's you talking about deficits. Oh here's some sad news. Oh. Child dies eating candy. Oh my god. I'd laughed at that. I did. An unbalanced mind. You're allowed to do whatever you

want from now on. I'm so sad that you caught me laughing at it. I laughed immediately. It's only on camera. It's fine. This is you're allowed to laugh at this. Okay. A child. What is it. A child dies of eating candy. I mean I think that was a headline made just to show your kids to get them to like pay attention to their teeth. Like just see what happens. Just see what happens. This is absolutely about scaring kids. There's no way. The child of Miss of Henry Strain ate too much cheap candy and died before medical aid could reach it. I mean come on. There's no way this is real. This does feel like a tall tale. It just

immediately after it's going to say something like broccoli leads to being healthy and reactive when you're older. If the kid had greens who knows he might have pulled through. Hold on. It goes on. There's only one more sentence to the story. The family had laid in a supply of cheap colored candy sold during the holidays. Wait. What? I said it right. The family had laid in a supply of cheap colored candy sold during the holidays. Had laid in a... Like Scrooge McDuck? Like yeah. There's just swimming and peppermints. What? Yeah. That is... I wish we could find out if it was bullshit because it has

to be bullshit. I mean it's the craziest story. Oh my gosh. I love that your brain went to peppermints. I was all happy. I was... I was thinking corn candy. That's what I was thinking. I see the mixture for sure. I mean when you said Scrooge McDuck, I'm just picturing the backstroke and just you know whatever could fly away from him. This family spending the holidays just swimming in candy and they're like has anyone seen Gus? Oh no. Oh god. Hurry. Oh no. He's got peppermint stripes on his face. That's not good. Well I'm going to try this joke but I might not land it. Here we go. Well they should have put a red vine gate around the pool.

That's for sure. It's more of an image. It's more of a funny image. You're defending it far too fast. Yeah. You started defending it before you finished. Yeah. The first move in the joke was, you know what they say, it's not set up punch line. Defend, set up punch. I can't believe I'm doing this joke. People are always like, have you ever tried stand up? I'm like, no. Oh my god. You would crush. I would be so bad. I'd be like, here it is but it's bad. This one's bad but just let's get it out. It would murder. If I saw that in a show, I'd be like, this is great. This is bad too. I'd be like, I love this. This is my favorite costume. Oh my goodness. Oh, we have another death. From what?

Murder in Muskogee restaurant. With the head almost severed, the body of G Henderson was found in his restaurant here where he had been slain. The last part isn't needed. Can you imagine a paper where the front page has these, like in this, it's just, like that's an actual news story, but it's baffling. But it's preceded by a child just died from candy. Yeah. No more questions. No more questions. Okay. So the, go ahead. I heard that and I was like, his name's just G. It is strange. It is strange. You think if you get your head cut off, they're like, all right, it was Greg. Full name Greg. All right, Yara, we're on page two. He's like, don't print my full name. It's embarrassing. I don't want to be

known as the guy whose head got cut off. Everyone will think of me like that. Just call me G. G. Uncle Sam making new gun. Oh, God. A new gun, the use of which in the US States Army, it is said, may mean the revolutionizing of modern methods of war on land and which for lightness and power and general effectiveness, it is said to be the most terribly destructive weapon ever invented is now being secretly manufactured at the Springfield Armory. G. It's not being secretly, you're fucking writing about it. It's just oopsie poopsie. Don't print this. Oopsie poopsie. Do not print. Oopsie poopsie. Not supposed to be in the paper.

This feels like, if I could tie it, like this is just like, meant you're meant to time travel to this time. You're meant to go, hey, the things I just read get so much worse in the future. Don't build more guns. Super guns, great guns, available for mental patients and people without background checks of what afternoon. This gun, weighing less than 20 pounds and manipulated after the fashion of the ordinary fouling piece, pours out a stream of bullets at the rate of 400 a minute. G. Oh my God, what? G. Well, that's unique.

G. That is, now that I hear the numbers, that is necessary for sure. G. This is when America became America. G. This is, still laughing at oopsie poopsie. G. Someone typing, wear the location. G. Top secret being developed in Springfield in the, oh my God, no, oopsie poopsie. G. They go, in Springfield, oh, never go where. G. Never reminded you. G. I didn't finish it.

G. This is, you never read anything. G. You haven't read any of this. G. Are you a woman? You shouldn't be reading, period. G. What are you doing with all these words in your head, lady? Back to your precarious position. G. Oh, we got more death. G. Oh, this is the most death we've had for sure.

G. Yeah. Two pensioners drop dead. G. Well, this, this paper is just, it's just taking- G. Oh, people died. G. This paper is just getting people died from around the country. It's not even, this is from Denver, Illinois. They're like, oh, we found a couple of dead ones. Excitement and fatigue, attending the signing of their pension vouchers,

contributed to the sudden deaths of Isaac Clark and Patrick Regan, members of the soldiers' home. Both dropped dead soon after signing the papers. G. Oh, my God. G. Whoever wrote that was excited to write that. Drop dead, they did. G. That's just terrible. G. Hit the ground like a satchel of taters.

G. Oh, they signed their pension papers and then just keeled over. G. That's- G. That is terrible. G. Bad. G. That really is bad. G. Here's a little section. This is 20 years ago today. 20 years ago, the people in our county-

G. This is 20 years ago from 1911. G. Yeah. G. Right, obviously. G. Oh, okay. G. 20 years ago, the people- G. I'll look to our future. G. Okay. G. Yes.

20 years ago, the people of our country ate in one year, one hog for every person. 10 years ago- G. What a horribly disturbing, condensed statistic. G. I mean, 10 years ago, six sevenths of a hog and last year, one half of one hog per capita. G. Why are we eating less hog? G. With the rapidly increasing population, is an overproduction of pork probable for some time to come? G. That's a good question. G. There's a lot of thinking going on in this paper.

G. They're putting it out there. G. Defending it immediately. G. There. It is crazy. G. It's crazy. G. It's crazy. G. And why are they eating less? G. I don't know. G. There's more people.

G. I want to say the stupidest thing possible, which is that I thought they were saying the equivalent of a hog. G. They're talking about an actor. G. That's even better. G. That's even better. G. I was like, people are eating, is that too much or is that enough? G. Like, how big is the hog? G. He's a big fella. You know, Jim, he's about six to seven hogs. G. He's a bigger guy.

G. We're talking actual hogs here. G. Yeah. Well, to be fair, in England, stone is still a weight. They still use stone. G. Which is bananas. G. Commonly, where they're like, he's five stone. You're like, is it time to upgrade this? Or are we sticking with stone? Feels like, it's like 2021.

G. He's four logs. G. Yeah. Okay. But why, okay, so it's crazy in any way. It's also crazy to just measure what someone's eating per hog. G. Yeah. G. It's crazy to think that a person eats a hog a year. That's just fucking gross. But why are they eating less? G. There's more people, so less hog eating is happening.

So I think the number of hogs is remaining the same. G. It's hog availability. G. That's correct. G. Given the opportunity, everyone would still be eating a whole hog. G. Hey, guess what? That's what I call my dating life. Hog availability.

G. By the way, there's a dating app there. G. Yeah, there really is. G. Never I do this, you guys. It means I'm trying stand up for the first time. G. Yeah. G. See? It's good though. G. I'm so mad at this if she listens. G. We can't, we just cannot let her know.

G. Uh-uh. G. 10 years ago today, Dr. Kirby had started a surgical and medical institute in the security bank building. G. Okay. G. That's good. G. That's good. G. Dr. Kirby, for sure, the Dr. Oz of their time.

G. Yeah. The little daughter of Mr. and Mrs. George Lone came very near strangling when a piece of apple lodged in her throat. G. Jesus. G. 10 years ago today. G. Beat your jokes aversary. G. Wait, is this like a Facebook memory?

G. Yes, this is Facebook memory. G. Holy shit. G. It's 10 years ago today. You almost choked on apple. G. Facebook, stop. I don't want to know about that one. G. But I'll tell you how much hog you ate. G. Hey, this is a notification.

The Anti-Horse Thief Association of Lake Township will hold a regular meeting Tuesday, January 10th. G. Fuck it, hey. G. 1911. G. Oh, did you guys not go to that? G. I did not make that. G. I didn't know they were doing that. G. I'm not exaggerating.

It was fucking crazy. G. Really? I always thought those would be kind of lame. G. No, I hear they go off. G. No, you were like, we were talking horses. We were talking horse business. And then all of a sudden, this guy stood up and, oh my God, you had to be there.

I can't even. G. I won't do it justice. G. Why? It just felt so crazy that it would be like, it was so tough. G. No, you don't have to. G. I can't. I just can't even if you weren't there. G. That's fair.

G. Maybe put it in the paper under some weird headline, you know? G. Okay, I'll just tell you. This guy was like, my kid just died from sinking in panic. G. Oh, my God. G. Oh, my God. G. Yeah. G. That was fucking crazy.

G. That was wild. G. And then all of us weirdly laughed and then felt like so bad about it. And so we started talking about horse stuff again to cover. G. Oh, we should. That's a good tactic, actually. That's a very meta tactic. G. He was pissed.

G. As soon as he said that his kid died from the candy, a reporter stood up and ran out of the room and into a phone booth. G. I gotta excuse me. G. Big story. G. I can't fucking. G. Pardon me. G. Page one. G. Here's another one.

Quite a few young people, mostly high school students, enjoyed a dance at the A-O-U-W Hall last night. The popular orchestra furnished the music for the event. An unusually large number of stags were in attendance. G. Now, yeah, does that, is that, is that genderless single or is that, does that skew? G. No, that's, that mean they mean dudes when they say stags. G. So just a bunch of single fucking dudes.

G. There's a bunch of dudes. There's a dude, there's a dude dance. G. Oh, that's great. That's, oh man, can you imagine the energy in that room? G. I just picture a bunch of guys and I may get the time period wrong. So don't blame me, but like. G. It's fine. G. Top hats, suspenders, just being like.

G. Yeah. G. Yeah. G. Yeah. G. Swing the music, looking at all the gals, not getting any dates. G. Boy, there's sure aren't a lot of gals here either. G. I feel like we should have gone to the anti-horse stealing meeting. G. Just need a hug. G. Oh, this is.

G. You guys want to get out of here and eat a whole hog? G. No, I do. G. Let's say off we go. G. It's exciting. This is just a little information. Densities of population. Rhode Island has the most persons two square mile, Nevada fewest. Rhode Island has 508.5 persons to the square mile,

thus according to census figures, leading the list of states in the matter of density of population. G. Nevada, with only 7 tenths of a person to the mile, is at the lower end of the table. G. I just read the most fascinating article on how many people per mile. G. I mean. G. I feel like someone wrote that article and then shot them so. G. That's how it ends.

Their last line of this is, all right, well goodbye everybody. G. Goodbye crew. G. Goodbye crew. G. Goodbye crew world. G. Thank you. G. Don, don, don, don, don, don. G. His lips is bang. Weird that he typed the bang, but also kind of cool.

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Silent Healer amazes Europe. Oh, boy. Ex-minor Antoine has following numbering 160,000. Thurs without payment. Wait, wait, wait. Okay. Everything again. What?

Silent Healer amazes Europe. Ex-minor Antoine has a following numbering 160,000. His name is Antoine? Antoine. Okay. It sounded like Antoine. I was a little confused. Okay.

Oh, gotcha. Cures without payment. So he, Antoineism, the new religion founded in Belgium by an ex-minor named Antoine, is attracting considerable attention in Europe. Alrighty. I feel like this one didn't catch on. Yeah. No, what's the tell?

I'm an Antoineite. Antoineism. Antoine, you may want to change the name. It's perfect. It's so good. Antoineism. Just sails off the tongue. Antoineism.

It's perfect. It's like a jaw stretch. Antoine, the good father, or the parent one, as his followers call him, is a man of 65 with flowing white locks and a patriarchal beard. Oh, this is part of it. This is a huge, I mean, but right there in that description, you've described like a hatless wizard, which to me is a big leg up if you're starting a religion.

Like I'm like, oh, this person like just needs a staff, and then I'm pretty sure they can make oceans split. Yeah. 90% of it's just the look. Yeah. Okay. So he's like a Tolkien character. Yeah.

His followers now number 160,000. That's crazy. That's a lot. Yes. That's a lot. That's enough. That is a lot. It's enough.

For three years, Antoine has not left his house or garden. He lives entirely on vegetables, which he prepares himself. Wait a minute. How many years has he not been out of the house? Three years. How did he get his followers? That's crazy. That is a really good question.

What's he doing? He hasn't got a house and he has more followers than I do on Instagram. Yes, yes, yes. He doesn't even have Zoom. He's just kicking it in his house. That's the lure. People are like, what's he doing in there? Imagine you walk by a house and the guy is just in the window being like, come follow me.

Hello. Want to be a member of Antoinism? And everyone's like, I don't know. Can you come out of your house? No, no, no, no, no. Believe everywhere I say. Trust me. I'll come back out in a year.

Have faith in my system. He sleeps a little resting only. Bring more hog. He sleeps a little resting only for two hours during the night, the greater part of which he spends walking in his little garden, which has electric lamps fitted all up around the walls. He never reads anything. He will not see newspaper men and only holds communication with the outside world by means of the telephone.

I mean, for sure, this is who you want in charge at the helm. Absolutely. This is a guy who's like, I refuse to read, but I have lamps. Oh, Antoin, how did you do it? I can't leave my house. Don't leave my house. I have a phone. I have killer lamps.

Sweet-ass lamps. If a man with a paper coming to bring me knowledge of the world comes, I will not see him. I don't even want. Child dies from candy. What the hell? Don't bring these to me. Oh my God, his church service is amazing. What is it?

So services are held at 10 o'clock on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. But he's not there? He's there. So I think the church is on his property. So everybody gets there at 9 a.m. and they're all silent waiting. I want to read ahead. He then continues sitting perfectly still, not moving a muscle, and his eyes fixed in an unblinking stare straight before him.

This is the guy who also runs the church and makes the announcement. At the stroke of 10, everyone rises, and then the parrot one enters by a side door and slowly walks up the steps to the rostrum, wearing a black cassock, and with his gray hair falling around his shoulders. Nobody does little of this. Let's it flow a little bit. He walks the head. Antoine faces the congregation for a full minute without moving or uttering a sound.

Then he lifts his right hand toward them and holds it thus extended for a minute. For another minute, that is all. Those two minutes make the service. And then he walks out. What? What? The good father then walks slowly out and remarks, everyone whose faith is strong enough must be cured.

Most people murmur, that's it. I mean, now I'm understanding why he has followers because, you know, like I grew up Catholic and we'd go to a church for like an hour and a half or something. Someone just came up for two minutes and they're like, you did it. You're done. And we could all like go get breakfast. I agree. That is actually, it is a strong lure.

I would be way more into that. But still, I mean, it feels like you're leading up to, like he's like the headlining band and then they just leave the stage, which happened to Green Day once when I saw him. Why do you always bring that up? Because it was crazy. Someone threw a water bottle and it hit Billy Joe in the face. And then he left after one and a half songs.

We were all like, what? Wait, what? No, dude, it was fucking, it's hard to get places. Did you get your money back? I think it's funnier when being that irrational. Yeah. And he was, yeah. And he was just like, oh, fuck Milwaukee.

It was something like that. And he left and we were all like, Billy Joe, no. Well, he did get hit on the head with a bottle of water plastic. Yeah. But you kind of go backstage and you're like, I'm really upset and all your friends are like, totally. And then he's like, no, but like, I can't stop being like red hot. And we're all like, oh my God, I know. And then you go, all those people paid those.

Yeah. And they're like, I don't know if you want to. It'll be, it's been like 40 minutes. So they're even out there anymore. I was so hot. And they're like, yes, they love you. You don't understand. That's one person.

Everyone else loves you. We're going to play dookie for whoever hung around. I would go to that right now. And then the hand goes out for a minute. All right. Page three headline. Bride loses her mind. I can't even believe that you're allowed to like slant it.

I mean, obviously it's going to be like anti-bride, but it's just. Bride loses her mind. Bride goes bonkers. Miss Anna Stratum, a young and well-known bride of a month ago, has become suddenly demented without apparent cause. It's called planning a wedding. Seems to happen to most women around this time of wedding planning. The young woman was married a month ago and is a resident of Alloys,

where her husband is a well-to-do farmer. She has been taken to St. Joseph's home at West Point in charge of the Franciscan sisters. And every effort will be made to restore her mental faculties. What? Yeah. It's not even a story. Like it would be one thing if there was a story in the sense that,

like, if you know her or you know her and you're like, oh. Yeah. But that's not for the paper. Yeah, it's definitely not for the paper. Friends gossip about. Yeah. That's gossip. That's like off paper gossip.

You know, you don't go like. 100% gossip. It's like, it's like this is like this some guy like Ted's newspaper. He's like, Ted News. That Brad lost her mind, didn't she? Also, toilet flushing better. I love that the whole story could have just been summed up as the, there's a bride who's bitchy.

That's what, that's all it is. She did not lose her mind. No, she didn't lose her mind. She's just not acting the way her husband wants her to act. And so he's like, off to the nut house with you. Oh, yeah. I want a new one. Get me a better one.

Send me a new nut. I want a new one. I want to try again. So this, this has a spelling error. Every third day, bank, banks robbed. It should say many, but it says bank. Every third day, many banks robbed. Is the headline?

Yeah. That the headlines are crazy. Every third day. Bank commissioner, J.N. Dolly reported today that during the last three months, 30 banks have been robbed in Kansas, one every third day, and the robbers secured 100,000. And during the time, not one robber was caught.

I'm sorry. I feel like that math isn't right. What, what is it again? 30 banks. The last three months, 30 banks were robbed. Okay. Last three months. Okay. Sorry. Okay. Okay.

I thought it was the last month. I was like, 30 banks have been hitting the last month. That's one every three days. They're like, Mr. Mayor, can we actually talk to you over here for a second real quick? I'm fine. I didn't run on math. Yeah.

Okay. So why, okay. He reiterates that his former statement that two gangs of bank robbers are operating in the state, one with headquarters in Nebraska and the other in Oklahoma. Chiefs of police and marshals of 50 large cities and towns in Kansas will meet tomorrow at Wichita to consider the best methods to prevent bank and post office

robberies and capture robbers. They're not. That is, what? Go ahead, Joey. I mean, if they know it's every, every third day, just get extra. Yeah. Just like, get station guys at banks.

Why are they meeting? Also, maybe don't announce like we're having a big thwart meeting for these gangsters set on blood and murder and money only. We'll be meeting at a ballroom tomorrow at this address. I think it's another oopsy doopsy. Oopsy poopsie. It's a real doopsy poopsie. If you catch my oopsy.

Yeah. They're really like putting it all out there. They don't know where to meet. Yeah. And also they're all going to be gathering. So the bank, I just, Oh, that's, That is so true too.

Oh yeah. On that day, they, it's die hard with the vengeance. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, good meeting. I think we really, what do you mean?

13 got hit. Oh shit. We shouldn't have said we were doing this. That was dumb, wasn't it? That was really dumb of us, wasn't it? That's when Bain can take over Kansas. Yeah. Put out an announcement that we're definitely not doing this next week

at the same time and at the same place. And it shouldn't be a winkly, weekly meeting. Wink, print the wink. So here's an ad on page three. Oh, these are great. Death is a visitor who invades every home at all seasons without warning and without welcome. When it comes to your home, we want you to remember

that a good, reliable undertaker is needed to see the last offices for the dead. I mean, what? That's horrible. It's crazy how I mean it's terrible, but also I'm like, maybe I should reach out to my undertaker. I mean, yeah, undertaker. Do you have a specific undertaker or are you in between?

I put money down. I'm really in between. I'm in between as well. I can't find a good one. I picked a guy. There's a great app to find out. You just swipe left, swipe right. How far away is your guy from Kansas City?

Oh, he's exactly 374 miles. OK, good. I just want to make sure we do the course. West. Right. That's important. OK. We do not like to advertise the thought of sorrow,

but one must realize that it is inevitable. Then why did you start with the largest, most graphic? Like, death is coming. You're going to die. We're not morbid over here at. He's around. He's around the corner every day, every minute, every hour, every second.

You think you love someone? They might be dead. We don't like dark advertisements here at Undertaker Inc. I mean, they have an illustration that is a lady angel flying over a cemetery. So. Oh, good. That's fun imagery.

That is why all should know that we provide for every necessary thing for funerals, fine herses, carriages, caskets, floral emblems, et cetera. Ready for calls day or night? Oh, so excited about business. Ready for calls day or night. Yeah. A flying machine at Tecumseh.

What? Tecumseh, Nebraska. Turns out it's just a lady angel. Not bad. Sorry. We thought it was just actually, we saw a drawing in our own paper. Apologies.

See, Daisy, we're kind of writing this based on the last thing we saw in the paper. It's not a good system. It's sort of this paper sort of stream of consciousness free flow. Yeah. It's just very reactive. It's a writing exercise.

Page four. I'm kind of freaking out. I thought I saw a bird, but it was a possum. Okay. What's this flying machine? Okay. Tecumseh, Nebraska, Roscoe C. Gore of the city has invented a flying machine.

Amazing name. Yeah. Roscoe's flying machine. Great. He has been given patents upon the same in this and other countries. Mr. Gore will not divulge his plans, but it is said he has a successfully working model

of this machine. This is such bullshit. This is the whole story. That's not a story. It's like a guy who's got nothing under his sheet. It's a story. It's a guy who's got a flying machine. What are you missing?

I'm underneath here. I've got one of the greatest flying machines you ever going to see, unfortunately. You know what's crazy? I actually have a flying machine. Holy shit. Don't do this. Yeah.

It's literally great. Do you swear to God? It's like you can keep my hand here. Yeah. It's like right here. Can you tilt the frame so we could see over there? Let me try. Oh, it's only going that way.

What sort of setup do you have where it only moves to our left that we would... It's so great. I don't know what's happening. I'll try to do it again. Hang on. Nope. No, but it's just like...

Okay. I really want you guys to see it. You swear over there is a... Yeah. I'm going to turn it on. Just hang on one second. Okay? Okay.

Oh, well, I mean... There's a problem. I can't really deny that. Truth is, I wouldn't know what a good one sounded like to me. That sounded like it was working. But the last thing sounded off just my mechanics. Well, function.

Right. Okay. All right. Well, yeah. I swear your computer isn't turned that way, but okay. Okay. Well, I have Googled and I have brought up the official president of the United States Post Office. I don't know what year this is,

but I have a picture of this flying machine. What is it? And it is a box with wings. Oh, shut up. And I'm not talking about... It's wings that flap. It's like a box with flapping bird wings. What?

It's the craziest thing I've ever seen. What is it? What does it say in there? What it's meant to do? Or it's just the flying box. There's just some poor duck inside. Like... Meh!

It is the craziest thing. I want to tell you something. This is so stupid, but it's very related. I... Did you ever do invent America when you were a kid? Oh, no. No. There was invent America and you would do it

in like second and third grade, but you would invent something and then you would get prizes. Oh, I kind of fit. I kind of know what you're talking about. Yeah. So, so... My first year being in it, I'd like to think I was in first or second grade.

I took a hamster ball and I put a pencil in the top and a ruler and I was like, it's a hamster helicopter. They were like... And they were like, well, but it doesn't. And then I just went like this. So, the ruler.

They were like, the bride is demented. Any questions? Questions on the greatest adventure you'll ever see this year? Oh, my God. I mean, what? Yeah. What's he planning? I mean, is there any other information?

That's it. I mean, there's stuff in this. In this, it just kind of describes it, but it's not the descriptions aren't good. You know, it's very mechanical. Right. It's perfect. It's like the perfect invention to claim

that any other flying device was stolen from you. That's right. Like drone. You're like, that was mine. I did that. Look, I made a duck box. But it says they are beating planes. So, they've got to be...

These things here are beating planes. And some tells me you're not going to remember the term plane in a hundred years, but flying magic box is going to roll off the tongue. You remember the name Roscoe Gore, people? You'll remember Roscoe Gore. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You guys are making me cry. We've got another death. Oh, this is tough. Yeah. Is this on what we know? Yeah. Who is this? This is not Roscoe.

It's not a philast article, is it? Roscoe's dead, by the way. The box flew straight into his heart. Flying caskets for Roscoe. The headline is poison candy kills two. Question mark. Well, I think we have a lead on page one. What the fuck?

What? Bad time for a sip, Jillian. This is just stop giving kids candy. Yeah. But how did your... It's not good. Poisoning end up here and the... Also, where are they getting the candy from?

Is it from, like, the murdery Mick Jenkins? There's no more candy. There's no more candy in the town. That's a... We're stopping it. We have candy for kids. I'm Willie Killia. It is suspected that Ms. Grace Flusser and C.E. Trigg

were killed by poison candy sent by some unknown person. The pair, who were to have been married today, were found dead in the residence of the young woman's parents. It was the first thought they had died in a double suicide. They clearly committed suicide. And so it was like, man, it's gotta be the candy. Oh, no. So what...

It's definitely a suicide, David? No, there's no... What happened was they killed themselves in a double suicide. And then someone's like, no, no, my daughter wouldn't do that. Who's candy is that? Where did that candy come from? Yeah, right, it probably is this candy. Who put this chocolate here?

Who shoved this chocolate in her mouth after they died? Who put this chocolate in their mouth when she died afterwards, for sure. Because there's no way, like she's saying, there's no way she took her own life, both of them. This is clearly a case of bad candy. Again. Watch them cancel Halloween due to this. Yeah.

Here we go again. Here we go again. Just the disturbed neighbors. Like, I love trick-or-treating. Yeah, this is... Well, this is what people used to like... This was the news stories used to be before you'd go trick-or-treating when you were a kid. They'd be like, every year they'd be like,

someone's poisoning the candy or the razor blades. The razors. Which when I heard that, I was like, guess what? I'm going to take my chances with the candy razors if it means I get to have a regular Halloween. Yeah. Worth it. Yeah, I was like, what's the worst case scenario?

If someone went through the effort to put a razor blade inside my twix and then seal it back up in a way that looks like this is a fresh twix, bravo. I'm going to reward them by slicing the roof of my mouth. That's right. Which is what these people wanted. So this is on the same page and it seems like it shouldn't be. Web of the spider, thousands of strands in each of its silky threads. Oh my God.

So what are you going to put my article about spiders next to? Don't worry about it. We always put spider news on page three next to poisonings. Six children dead from peppermint. Spiders, how do they make webs? For a long time, the web of a spider was supposed to be a simple strand of wavy silk, but later it was found that such was far from being the case. Under the microscope, we can get at the secret of the spinning very nicely.

We see that there are either four or five teats on the spider near the lower part of the abdomen, almost exactly similar to the teats of a cow. Until you said teats, I was like, who care? I was like, is it something sexy? All right. Let's talk about these teeth. Hot spider teats. Like a cow, as you say, huh?

I'm going to leave the spider story. Yeah, the spider story just goes on about spiders. Yeah, this would. Oh, this is good. More animal news. Exporting mules. A report from a console in South Africa says there is a large demand for mules in that country. The American mule is preferred.

If we have the choice, even like an American. We're sending over our best mules, a tactical force. Where are they from? Are they from America? Because I only want to. They're from America, which is pretty close to Kansas City. How? The last, the last meal I got was Chinese and not great.

Not a great mule. I will not buy Chinese mules anymore. These American mules. Oh, sweet American mule. American mules eat a hog a year. You know that? People know that. This justifies a recent tribute, which champ Clark delivered in regard to the mule.

Champ Clark. Let's do it. Move over, Roscoe. Here's yesterday's news. Champ Clark. Champ's great. Paraphrasing an oft quoted declaration. He said, the sun never sets on the Missouri mule.

He also asserted that any country would as soon think of going to war without powder as without mules. What's happening? How is that a sentence? What is happening? He also asserted that any country would as soon think of going to war without powder as without mules. What's he? Gunpowder. I think he's just talking about random powders.

What is he talking about? He's talking about garlic powder. He's talking about mules. What country in its right mind would go to war without a bunch of fucking mules? Think about it. What he's saying is totally insane. 100% insane. He's just talking about the mules and then another story in this paper is a gun that shoots forward bullets a minute.

The mule has no fucking chance. That's very true. Yeah. Can we get some of your guns? No, no, no. Do you need more cattle? We can supply that. Very easily.

Here's your left. Should we do one or two more? A couple more. I'm leasing this tree. 250 a month. Low APR. Holy shit. Do you own or do you lease that tree?

Well, we own one tree, but we rent that one out and then we lease this one that we live in. Well, that's just smart business. Thank you very much. We're playing the market. And you started with two trees, right? My father left me two trees and then we branched out. Nice. You son of a bitch.

Who's an editor? I have some candy. A fir tree on a high bank of the Lewis River in Oregon has been leased for a period of 15 years to be used as a telephone pole. The owner and leaser of the tree is Miss Mary Bracken. It's God. You're not allowed to lease trees. That don't work. You don't own things like this.

Who leased the tree to the Etna telephone company, this unusual telephone pole is described as being on the north fork of the Lewis River. 175 feet above the Woodland Ferry Landing and 100 feet below the south line of the Robert Bar place. They're reading this in fucking Nebraska and they're telling them that it's 100 feet away from the south line. Nobody knows where that is. In Oregon, it's a different state. Oh, I know what you're talking about. You're talking to just 175 feet above the Woodland Ferry Building and then just, yeah, now I got it. Now I got where it is.

I know the tree. I've been to Oregon. I know the tree. It's all who cares unless they're mentioning some spider teats. We're all living in the shadow of spider teats. There's going to be an article in the paper in like a week and be like, turns out that lady didn't own that tree. So she was just making money? She was making money. Yeah, the phone company was there and she's like, you like that tree?

They're like, yeah, we're going to use it. She's like, well, you have to talk to the owner. You're like, you would be able to use that if you tossed over 15 pennies my way. They're like, oh, we could do that. And I'm like, did I say 15? I meant $53. Yeah. Okay. It's a little high. That's a little high now.

I'm the tree lady. I ran all these trees. Have you been to air tree and tree? No, you should use air tree and tree. No, you must. No, we're going to do it, Jillian. That's absolutely happening. It's happening. Okay.

This is 1911 and on page six. Okay. Plans World of Blonde Germans. Wait. Professor's idea is to mate blue-eyed couples. Kaiser interested. What's the fuck? Kaiser Wilhelm was reported to be interested

in the plan proposed by Professor Otto Hauser for the propagation of a fixed German type humanity. What? What? 1911. Adolf Hitler born. Is that next? Only typical couples are allowed to mate.

The man is to be not more than 30 years old and the woman not over 28. Wow. Yeah. That's the only part I'm offended by. Come on. Wait a second. Everything else has been fine until now, but what? This has been a normal headline

and now I'm angry. Aging them. Yeah. This should be at least five feet, seven inches. The woman not under five feet, six inches. God. Neither should have dark hair. We know what you, Dave, you don't need to go on.

We know what the vision is. This doesn't go well. If somebody had seen this story and pointed it out and been like, wait a minute. Flag. Doesn't that sound like Germany's going to build a master race? Come on. What are you talking about? There's too many kids dying of candy to worry about that stuff.

All right. Let's go. Sadly, we have another death. Jesus. Please don't let it be the undertaker. Yeah. Who undertakes him? Aged farmer

drops dead. Otto Wetterhoff falls in apocalyptic stroke on Omaha Street. Jesus Christ. What makes it an apocalyptic hero? Lava shot out of him? What do you mean?

Horses flew out of him? Omaha, Otto Wetterhoff, one of the oldest farmers in this county dropped dead in front of the city national bank building. Mrs. Wetterhoff was 74 years... Mr. Wetterhoff was 74 years old and had suffered an apoplectic...

apoplectic... Oh, apoplectic. Oh, my God. The first headline word is almost up. Okay. That makes more sense. I'm so sad. It's not an apocalyptic stroke.

Some of these are hard to read because they're all distorted, so it was all messed up. Okay, that makes sense. I want the other one. Go back. Zeus's bolt shoots through him. So great. Physicians who were summoned say death was probably due to a second

stroke in old age. Mr. Wetterhoff and his wife... Can you... But like an old guy died. Yeah, an old man. Mr. Wetterhoff and his wife were just about to enter the door of the big bank building when the age man fell before his wife's

horrified gaze. Jesus, Dave. He was carried into a wolf jewelry store in the bank building just off the entrance. Woof! Woof! Wolf jewelry did not need that that day.

Wolf jewelry. Does he want to buy a ring? Why? I'm sorry. Why is he being ushered in here? Should he have a necklace help? Oh, we saw death-nothin' necklaces. They're recently dead. Get the flying box. We can send it to heaven, too.

Would you love to shove a chocolate in his mouth and blame it on Candy? There you go. We offer scapegoat candies. A nickel per. The last line is death apparently had occurred before he was lifted from the sidewalk.

Wow. I mean, he died. He died. He just literally fell over and died. He fell and died. Can you imagine falling and dying and making the paper? No. You don't get that anymore. There's no room. That guy died walking home.

My mother still has this paper of where my family lives in England and it's where she flew me to England to get christened and it made the paper. Oh, my God. We've had it forever and every time I see it, I'm like,

what? It's like an article. You have to get that and we have to read it on one of these episodes. I have it. I think I have it here. I have it framed. I have 30 of them framed in a room so I'll just take one of those down. No problem.

Well, Gillian, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you for having me. Do you feel good about the journalistic history of this country? That's right. No, I don't. Our goal is not working.

That was what we were striving for. We'll have to go back and re-crunch some of the numbers. You heard about the Magic Box, right? Let's remind people to watch the poll. Sci-Fi 1115 Everyone's Day. Gillian, thank you so much for joining us.

Guys, I adore you. I adore you. Sci-Fi 1115