The Doug Stanhope Podcast - #539 - "Call To The Crazies"

Episode Date: January 28, 2024

Doug reads selected emails from his Call to the Crazies. Thank You Patreon Subscribers. We could not do this without your ongoing support. Recorded Jan. 24th, 2024 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bingo and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Signed copies of "No Encore For The Donkey" available while supplies last at Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Support the podcast at www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast TOUR DATES - https://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates Photo by ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, welcome. Hold on. Sorry, you clapped. Well, I mean, I have to be in my position. I have to have everything perfect before I can have an orgasm. You want me to clap again? No, that's not even in the... Have either of you ever watched the podcast?

Uh-huh. Every time. Oh, shut up. I know that you clap. No, it's been on my list, though. Yeah. But so have a lot of things. Do you know what?

I still haven't done it. It's the 20th anniversary of Deadbeat Hero. I think, ladies and gentlemen, this is a call out to the Crazies podcast. If you, by any chance, have ever thought that this podcast

or any podcast, any radio station, any shortwave radio, CB trucker outlet was talking to you, communicating to you secretly. You were wrong until now. We have to go over some things.

And as promised, when I sent out that mailer at the beginning of the year asking for mental health questions that I can pass on to actual teletherapy so I give your problems and then you get the help well it's I don't know how much help you're going to get I scheduled four sessions we did two in the can I got a lot of great emails that we're going to go over some of the cherry pick some of the best ones uh to to read aloud because some of them are really uh moving uh some of them some very well written yeah funny um really yeah yeah they're beautiful better than so like you're warning in the not that good okay don't don't oversell this okay my podcast i mean we we had two two podcasts where we said

look just don't try to be funny like this is what you so that that helped i guess yeah so you're not have no weight way through a mountain there's a couple is one but we'll get to them uh and uh if you were on the live uh happy hour the last uh live happy hour i foreshshadowed we had a gentleman with schizophrenia stop by. He thought he had an idea where maybe he could give me his dog. He had a dog that he got to try to help with his schizophrenia and he said now I'm just a crazy person with a dog. I thought maybe he could take it.

He was a very sweet kid. And at the end, he told me we took a walk around the farmer's market together until I could get the story out of him. And he gave me a box. A bag. A bag. A bag is about to fall apart here. So on the live podcast, I told the story about this, and he gave me this at the end and said that it was something he rushed the story of,

but that he had a kid that he didn't mean to have, and now he can't find the kid. And if I thought maybe I could find his kid... Oh, you were going to magnum PI it. You were going to find the kid. Yeah, he thought that. His name is Ari, and he's from Phoenix. So if you have a dad with schizophrenia,

he said that he packed this bag for you, and he said, if I couldn't find you, that I could just go ahead and keep it or throw it away. But fortunately, this weekend, 2024, February 2nd and 3rd, we're having a yard sale here in Bisbee. Not here at the house. I'm not fucking stupid, especially on the heels of call out to the crazy podcast. We do have a studio, a storefront

in the San Jose district. I'll be giving that address out on the social medias. I don't know how much of this. Let's just do the unboxing now. Hold on. Let me get this straight. So this, inside this magical bag, is

what this guy, ari has for his kid that he can't find so if you can't help him find him you get what's in the bag you can keep it or throw it away just to know it so i know i tried to get it and it looks like some old textbooks so you can see in the top yeah and it sounds like either. What's really interesting to me is other than giving you the bag and telling you that he had a kid, did you get any other information about the kid? No, he threw that right at the

very end. He didn't even bring up the kid or anything. Right at the very end, he grabbed this out of the car and it's very it came from an attic or a basement. And it sounds like some ceramic and metal. Ooh, yeah, I can't get it. At the bottom.

At the top, it looks like all textbooks. So let's do a quick unboxing, because. Do you want gloves? Okay. He's fine. Ooh, I know what that is. Yeah, that's Kurt Cobain's journals. Oh, okay. I think he meant, that's fine. Ooh, I know what that is. Yeah, that's Kurt Cobain's journals. Oh, okay.

I think he meant... That's something I think you would enjoy, actually. Oh, wow. All right, I thought that was an actual notebook. All right, this is Tales of Mystery and Imagination by Edgar Allan Poe. That's another solid selection. It doesn't feel like that's going to last too long.

It looks a little moldy. Yeah, that's fallen. There's a lot of black mold in here. This is a, here we go, a peacock. Choked? Chichlid? I don't know. Chichlid?

Cichlid. It's a fish, tropical fish. Of course, Chaylor would know that. From Africa. Cichlids Siclid. It's a fish. Tropical fish. Of course, Jaylen would know that. Siclids are a huge variety of fish. Here. No, it's on this side. All right. It's a very short fish.

Look, Doug, right there. Oh, I see. Go to your cameras, too, Doug. Okay. Well, I don't know which cameras are. Both of these are your close-ups. Lilyberg. Lilyberg.

Lilyburg This is for you Ari's kid I want to say it's a daughter But I don't know It was early in the morning I was just walking out to go to the farmer's market And there was a shivering man outside of my gate So I said walk with me

Is this a manuscript or a memoir? Thanks, his name is Amsterdam. And this? Is it a... No, it's not a script. It's a story of some kind. Oh, wow. Let me see if there's a...

All right, here we go. Clues, clues. Gratitude and dedications. There's a long list of people to whom I owe thanks who have made this book possible. For practical reasons, I won't list them here. Instead, I'll just say this. I never thought I would be able to write a book,

but now I have. However unoppressive this one might be. Like, tell us a note you got. Like, you can't shit on your own writing in the writing. It's like, don't buy this book. Self-deprecation. I did it all over my book. Yeah, no, you did it well, though.

Thank you for letting me sleep on your couches. Thanks for allowing me a little trite and hackney plagiarism. Thank you for dealing with me at the work. He already told me that he's not going to name people, but he does at the end say, speaking in specifics, this book, for whatever it's worth, is for Betty. That's a clue. Okay.

Betty might be a kid. The name of it is, thanks, his name is Amsterdam. It's the name of the book. Sounds like a Paul Thomas Anderson movie. See if he put his name at the end. I wouldn't give out his full name, but you can't put... You don't write a book and not put your own

Yeah, what if it ends up being the next great American novel? It's like, I don't know, I guess we'll look for Lilyburg. Farside? Farside cartoon book? He's three for three. I would take all three of those. You're going to get them. Hell's Angels, Hunter S. Thompson. There you He's three for three. I would take all three of those. You're going to get them.

I mean, I don't know. Hell's Angels, Hunter S. Thompson. There you go. Four for four. Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail. This is for his missing kid? It's probably all he's got left. Yeah.

He didn't seem... He wasn't in a good mood, but he didn't seem suicidal. It was interesting that he thought that the things that he bought for his kid were also things that Doug would enjoy. Well, I guess he was just, I think he was, maybe he was just saying, hey, if you don't find her, I'm not coming back for this shit. Is that a neti pot? No, it's a tea thing. I guess you could neti pot it. There you go.

Neti pot it with tea. It's going to save some time. Oh, yeah. Energy tea. It's a nice tea set. Yeah, it's like Mad Hatter shit. Oh, here, Natty pot it with tea. Bingo saved some time. Oh, yeah. Energy tea. This is a nice tea set. Yeah, it's like Mad Hatter shit. Oh, here, we'll put this

up here on the presentation. Appropriately enough. Look, there's three. This is very nice. We can do this right now. Nice illustration. I like that. I do, too.

Yeah. Let's see. You can get that tattooed on me right after this show Wow There's some turquoise keychain Do we have any new keys? Let's go buy another house

Now we have the keychain All we need is the house You know what I like about this Is you're not losing this in your car This can't get lost Without you seeing some of the bangles Caught on something or the bright color.

Celebrity mugshot David Bowie arrested March 25th. Whose birthday is that? Mine. In the year 1976. Whose birthday is that? Hers. Is that a magnet? Oh, that should have stuck.

It was also ceramic so that's it that's the unboxing so that as promised all right let's get to the call out to the crazy keep going i'll keep going uh i just went into my hotmail uh where i've forwarded some of your emails to my Hotmail from the Meatwig mental health. If you're sending mental health stuff, send it to Meatwig at Hotmail. And I went in and

they've made some changes in the Hotmail which they do occasionally. And it just fucks me over every time. Like, okay, now they don't have the delete button, they have an actual trash bucket icon in a different place, and now, instead

of this, it has a different thing over here. Like, who the fuck is trying to make Hotmail better? If people have Hotmail, it's because they're old and they don't like change. Is Hotmail actively recruiting new people to use their service? Or are they doing it on purpose to try to get people to stop using Hotmail so they can just leave it like a junked car and not look like dicks?

Okay, let's just get to it. I didn't know you could still get a Hotmail account. Yeah, it's like Outlook now, but I guess I'm grandfathered in. I know. Because it says Hotmail. The meat wig's fairly new. Yeah. I want to say a call out to the crazies.

Let's give a quick plug to Maria Bamford, where I just started listening to her new book, Yes, I'll Join Your Cult, or Sure, I'll Join Your Cult. Listening to the Audible version, which I'm sure you have to do the Audible version because it's Bamford. So all the voices and everything. I can't imagine getting picked up with just the... I'm going to start with this one. Hey, my book's out.

Speaking of books. finally hard copy after uh after careers were lost after the the the race to the finish who's gonna get is my book my hard cover that's like three years old in the making, in the waiting. Is that going to get here before the house is done? And it came down to within a day. These showed up right before they had to reinstall the hood over my stove, which was the last thing. It was within 24 hours. The book beat the house being done. So what you're saying is it was the contractor's fault.

Yeah. But the book was late. No, no, that was... Did I read that wrong? That was cute. So yeah, there's a limited number. Go to the merch page and pick up No Encore for the Donkey. Actual, decent, fucking proper version.

It's a nice looking book. It turned out great. I really like the dust jacket. I don't know if you see that cover there. I don't even know. The cameras are working. Yeah, I don't know. I don't see what they see. I don't know. They might be just seeing a reflection

of the cloudy, shitty day. I'm going to start with this email because we teased this on the happy hour and Chaley had a very good line at my expense based on it i'm gonna try to i they're very well written i'm gonna try to cut out some of the unnecessary detail but uh these were people who had mental health issues that they wanted me to bring up with a mental health professional i have one scheduled tomorrow and i'll maybe i'll just

pick a couple of these and meld them into one session you've done you've done like three of them already but two of them two is one of them if you saw the last podcast was about alex from australia uh he's not here and when we drop the four uh teletherapy uh sessions you'll find out why he is coming back but there's a major health issue that i discussed with a therapist while dropping in a lot of your emails suddenly just so you you know uh that i was talking about you but it winds up being about mostly about Alex and all right here we go this is from Carl I'll leave it with just Carl hey Doug I've recently been diagnosed with a major major depressive disorder and PTSD complex not by, by an actual doctor. Honestly, that diagnosis makes a lot of sense to me.

Cut to grew up normal, upper middle class, New Jersey, home, weird, chubby kid, always hung around with older kids who were into screamo hardcore metal bands in the early 2000s. That MySpace probably saved me from being a weird incel or something worse. Grew up, played music on my own, didn't work much. My parents hated me because I was always asking for money to buy drugs and alcohol, and I'd get pretty lit in their house. But I had a lot of friends who admired my creativity,

and the lack of any real obligations, I had the time to do some cool stuff with my friends. Until one day, I met a guy at a barbecue, and he asked me if I wanted to come be a stagehand at 30 Rock, where they do Saturday Night Live and the Tonight Show. I was 23 at the time and I couldn't really say no. It turned into a 10-year shit show that kind of fucked me up. I took a job working for Jimmy Fallon, doing his dumb gags like building a machine that would pie some shack in the face or a cannon that shoots bread at an effigy of whoopi goldberg you know game show dumb tv shit the problem the problem is man that we all kind of lived in a

state of perpetual fear i saw a lot of people get yelled at and fired on the studio floor because of Jimmy Fallon's mood. He'd come in fucking hungover or still drunk or on blow, allegedly, or on blow, whatnot, which honestly didn't bother me. This isn't about Jimmy. He was always nice to me. He saw my band play at an after party once, and he loved my band, which is cool, I guess. Everyone was just terrified of getting shit-canned all the time.

It led to tons of sociopathic office behavior. People acted terribly towards one another. It became like a game of people pushing each other into trains. They played dodgeball with my livelihood. Probably the worst thing and what really did the most damage is that I had to feign laughter on a constant basis. I really started to lose my sense of self. I started to disassociate. What I'm told is much like a victim of sexual assault. My mind simply couldn't stand the continued intellectual abuse. I quit about a year ago, but I haven't been the same since.

It's hard to focus. I doubt I'll ever be able to go back to doing the simple things I enjoy. Nothing is simple anymore. I want to find the funny again. I want to stop having nightmares and stop being afraid of things i like to do i'll gladly answer any and all questions that you have thanks again best carl wow when when i say gave you just a glossed over version you go oh he was being a smart fuck but when you read the full letter you go this guy's serious the worst part is i had to pretend jimmy fallon was funny for 10 years it must have been good pay i want yeah no that's okay that's the guy that you want to meet like i want you here or no you want a day drink that'd be a good day drink yeah yeah i want to trigger you so bad

it wouldn't be a trigger you got you guys you'd have a couple of drinks you'd maybe introduce them to a negroni and then all of a sudden the stories start coming no problem yeah that's interesting man this he's not he's just giving you info there's he's not asking for anything or he doesn't want I get a lot of I've enclosed

the Lilyberg read it let me know what you think I I got a lot of them there's a couple that had hallucinations

that weren't bothered by it which is really cool like yeah it's kind of weird like it happens, it happens. Usually what happens more when I'm stressed out

and with follow-up questions, they're like, yeah, there's nothing really I can do. Like, I don't, it's usually an animal or a person, but nothing as specific. I know the person, just something out of the side of my eye. And I go, yeah, it's kind of fucked up. There's nothing I can do about it. It's not a problem. It's just a thing. I don't know what a, like someone is like, yeah, it's kind of fucked up. There's nothing I can do about it. It's not a problem.

It's just a thing. I don't know what a... Like someone is like, yeah, like when I had my rash, I got this goiter thing. It's kind of weird. It talks to me at night. All right, let's play a commercial.

I got to throw my shit in the dryer. You're listening to the doug stanhope podcast all right we're back i'm gonna i get it i get did your rash clear up by the way you know what i can still feel it. You can still see where it was. It's not blistering. It's still that whole area kind of feels. Tender. Yeah. Shingles, maybe?

That's what I think of. It might be a very mild case of shingles. Didn't go to the doctor. Here's the thing. My next podcast, which is kind of why I'm rushing through, I'm going to be a guest on Dr. Drew's podcast. That will help. Which is funny because Amanda Knox finally reached out to me about doing her podcast,

and we're doing her podcast about Dr. Drew. Whoa. Yeah. It was because she said... But why? I mean, I'm trying to think. Here's because she said... But why? I mean, I'm trying to think. Here's why she reached out. I just randomly saw she made a tweet about her kid's first joke.

And it was some kind of poop joke from a four-year-old or three-year-old or something. Did you buy it? I? I mean, it's right in your wheelhouse poop's always funny he won't be using it for a while let's say i just rent it so i liked it and i had i had a joke that would have been off color to i don't know her well enough yeah to make uh you know so so i skipped the joke i just liked her tweet and moved on and then she emailed me going hey i wanted to ask if you'd be on the podcast i keep forgetting to ask you and then she gave me the the over it's about people's it's

called labyrinths is the name of the series a seven part series and people's like fucking you know overcoming adversity or whatever and she's like if you have any like and i thought oh that would be a fun topic like like i was gonna make a joke about her you know at her expense about her situation that she's been through and i had to stop myself but like like over the years i've had to like okay like doug flutie's flipper baby at the time i did that there was no threat of the internet or youtube or google that he's ever gonna hear that and then you go as you you go okay maybe i shouldn't do that gab Gabby Giffords. You know what?

I live in this state, and now her husband's a fucking senator. And have you ever heard that? You think I wouldn't get fucking audited or some shit? He heard me talk. Pull a file on you or something for the fuck of it. So I thought that would be a good place to start, because she would have a point of view about being the brunt of those jokes. that would be a good place to start because she would have a point of view about being the brunt of those jokes um i had i went out and defended her when uh she went on a tirade about david spade made some jokes at her expense and i'm like i hate it when mommy and daddy fight my two best

friends in the world are fighting on twitter uh anyway so it's it's all it all comes around. I'll ask Dr. Drew about my rash. So Dr. Drew, you're talking to him about crazies as well, right? Is it mental health or is it addiction? I don't know. Ask Dr. Drew. I don't know. But, I mean, why you? Because we're pals.

But, I mean, you're going to be a guest. We haven't talked since I drank piss on his podcast. Are they going to? Maybe that's it. He didn't give you a subject matter. No. But you're going to be a guest, and then they're going to take calls? I don't have any idea.

Oh. I just know when. All right. This one, I've tried to put them in some kind of. This one's a... Dyschronometria. I don't know if you were here. This one's as interesting.

It's nice that this is coming on the heels of Alex, because he's got that thing where he has no imagination. Yeah, he's in an inability to imagine. Yes. Which is... You're Fantasia. Yeah. This is a...

Fantasia. Dischronometria. This is a... Hey, Doug. Oh, I... Fuck. I forwarded myself the wrong goddamn email. All right.

Now I'm going to have to paraphrase because I can't... What is it? Is that a disease or something? This kid, I met him in San Francisco. I think, I'm sure I was alone. I did mushrooms or acid. He said mushrooms. I thought it was acid on stage.

How long ago was it? This was, look, I wasn't even wearing suits. This is a picture. Oh my God, that was forever ago. I remember that shirt, but that was forever ago. Yeah, that was a long time ago. Stand-up up records work shirt so

he was with me I went out to trim my balls off and wound up at some dive bar with a guy who had tattooed my face on his entire calf I've seen that tattoo before too him and his girlfriend first of all it was a terrible tattoo

I don't know if maybe all, it was a terrible tattoo. I don't know if maybe he started mountain biking after the tattoo. My face started to morph. He gets jacked and you look uglier. Or maybe he started to atrophy and I started to sag. But this guy was with me and that couple uh and he's uh uh anyway years years later during uh black lives matter he was there at the protests as like a conscientious observer what he was like a law student that was there i'm just taking notes on when cops fucking shoot people in the face with beanbag guns that don't deserve it and lo and behold get shot in the face with a beanbag gun

uh for no reason he's just sitting there recording whatever he's doing wow uh and it caused him brain damage which is still uh in litigation to but they won't. It's good that I downloaded the follow-up email and not the original because he wanted me to call out the cop. It was a Sacramento cop. At least say his name, which I can't remember his name, and I shouldn't fucking get in more allegedly. But he has, amongst other things, was like homeless for a while he has his no memory is this a discronomatria is he has no sense of time like alex has

no ability to imagine he's a no every day is groundhog's day for him. And he forgets. He forgets to take his meds. He forgets. Dis chrono. Chrono meaning time. Right. So no time. Yeah. All right. Got it.

I thought that was the guy's name when he said it. His online. Yeah. Which, again, I want to sit and take edibles or do mushrooms and just try to soak in what it would be like. I still haven't. I can't imagine what it's like to not imagine. That has not sunk in for me at all either. It's a hard thing to describe because as you're describing it, you're imagining what it's like.

And it's like, well, I clearly am not afflicted. Right. Right. Right. What I did for myself, he sent along, just a, hey, I'm not full of shit, is nine pages of his medical... Diagnosis. Yeah, all the things he's got, he's been diagnosed.

Since the beanbag? Yeah. Since unspecified mood disorder depression, anxiety, PTSD cognitive issues due to TBI traumatic brain injury due to mood disorders secondary to medical condition it just goes on

and yeah the cops that wasn't our fault. You shouldn't have been there. Wrong place, wrong time. And he's just trying to fucking get through. So,

yeah. Hey, Danny, he said, you probably don't remember a lot of people, but you probably remember this night

when they brought up the tattooed guy. At first, I thought he was the tattooed guy and i didn't and he said no i was the other guy but the guy with the tattoo is weird i was there with my girlfriend at the time okay maybe i'm confusing his girlfriend for yours you and i booked the same shitty hotel near the venue. That is probably the same shitty hotel as the one that I booked when the kid that was drunk, that threw up. He puked outside. Yeah, he puked so much. And we had to call his mom.

He made me puke, and we had to call his mom. We had to call his mom on his phone, yeah. Wait, was this Punchline, or is this Cox? No, this was at Ricky Tiki Tavi. What? Tiki Ricky Rickshaw. Rickshaw. Rickshaw. Rickshaw. Rickshaw.

Rickshaw. Oh, my God. I was at one of those. There was one where there was a kid at the very end of the night when they're throwing everyone out, and they're having to carry him out, and then he starts to puke, and they take a hard left as they're going for the exit.

Nope, men's room. So the kid spews everywhere and then they just put him out on the fucking street. You grabbed his cell phone and you just looked through his things. Well, first of all, we tried to communicate with him.

Yeah, it was not happening. Where do you live? And then he just kept puking at one point he puked and I was like, I'm a bull. Yeah, you don't do that. He puked and I was like, I'm a bull. Yeah, you don't do that. He puked and made me puke. Yeah, you were puking.

No, his phone rang. I have pictures of you puking. Yeah, his phone finally rang because he couldn't tell us where he lived or anything. And I took it and it was his mother. And she's like, well, I'll have to call his brother then. So I told him I'd take him to my hotel which didn't have a lobby that's what i'm saying i bet it's the same show because this time i don't know if hennigan was there because he's like why would you stay here i go it's cheap and it's close and we got we got a toy

uh so yeah we had to sit in the non-lobby foyer waiting for his brother to get there. I do remember that. Other parts of the Bay Area. Next. That was a good, interesting one. What was that chap's name? Danny. Danny?

Yeah, Danny Garza. He says you can look him up and that way you can find the name of the cop that fucking nothing happened to. This was the one that Chaley has some issues with. Okay, give it to us. And rightfully so. But I think it's legit.

I think this guy just writes as though he's writing to Penthouse because that's probably... Wait, why do I have an issue with that? Have I heard it? I told you the glossed over. Oh, okay. Hey, Doug.

What's this guy's name? I don't... He's got such a unique name. All right, forget it. Some people... I don't want to put it out there if they... He'll know who he is. Yeah.

Let's just call him that. There won't be two situations that will be confusing. Let's just call him Hatchet is in his email. Hatchet. Oh, wow. Hey, Doug, been a fan for

years. I was 16 when I first started listening to you, and you're my favorite comedian and one of my favorite authors. Anyway, enough of me slobbering all over your cock. These aren't necessarily issues as I've had time to work through them for the most part. I'll give you the basic rundown and let you add the funny. The first pussy I ever touched was my half sisters when I was like five. She was 10 or 11. Years later, my sister, I don't know if this is separate from the half-sister. I assume it is. Years later, my sister was visiting us

from her place states away, and her and I had been smoking, and we were really high. This is where it starts to sound like he's writing fucking penthouse form. I never thought this would happen to me. Yeah, she rested her head in my lap, which I didn't think anything of at the time,

but I did pick up on that sort of sexual energy. A few minutes later, I thought she was asleep, and suddenly her hand reached up and grabbed my dick through my basketball shorts. Oh, right there. I pushed her... Oh, no, it gets a little more... No, I mean, he had basketball shorts on.

That's dangerous right there. His stepsister laying in your lap. Jesus Christ. My dick would have gone through her head. This is sister. First of all, it's half-sister and then sister. There's no step. There's no steps to...

Isn't that a half-sister is a step, right? No, a half-sister is a half-sister. The step is no blood relation. Half-sister is one of your parents okay good uh a few minutes later of basketball shorts i pushed her hand away again thinking she was asleep and just moving you know she looks up and says i know you want it and with the quickness and with the quickness, I undid my shorts. And she was like, fuck yeah, take that cock out. And started sucking my rock hard dick like it was her job.

We continued to kind of fool around every night that she stayed. And she ended up wanting to fuck. But I just couldn't cross that line. What? I know it's a weird line. Anyway, maybe a day after my sister leaves, my mother just dies suddenly from drug-related complications. They bring her back, but she's brain dead and never wakes up. I wasn't a big fan of mother towards the end, so it was whatever.

Then a few years later, my father has been seeing a woman and she's very emotionally manipulative he ends up shooting and killing her before turning the gun on himself i couldn't resist to me yeah my dad was my best friend so that kind of sucked obviously this is an extremely specific story and i appreciate anonymity you don't even have to oh see, see, I did the right thing. No, no, that's why I asked. You don't even have to tell this in a session. Like I said, I'm pretty much okay, I think. But I figured you'd like to hear some fucked up shit. It's your kind of thing.

Love you, Doug. Yeah, that's some pretty fucked up shit. I wrote him back. I go, yeah, I think that ticks all the boxes for fucked up shit. You didn't even need to put in the the basketball short uh blow job i mean it's a pretty fucked up story with just the the mom and pop and stuff like that but it definitely the putting leading off with the uh the stepsister blowing you that got us hooked well it drew us in it was like it was written and she looked up at me and said,

I want to suck that rock hard cock. Can you send this to me tonight, evening time? I think, and this is what, because the two sessions I've done of teletherapy, I know I'm trying to make it a little bit entertaining, I know I'm trying to make it a little bit entertaining, and it's off the beaten path for what they usually hear, but they don't seem like they're trying.

Yeah, yeah. If I read this, I've told the teletherapist, what I like to do with my problems is I write them to myself in an email. Oh, good. You also need to tell the therapist that you have that thing where you laugh when you get nervous. Yeah. Oh, good point. Because that is a thing for real.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, I'm going to put that in my notes for tomorrow. Dis-a-giggle-phobia. No, but it really is a thing. It totally is. And that's a great way to cover your ass, I mean, for what you're doing. Yeah, the one with Alex, when I was, like, because I was saying that I was being Alex. So I'm telling her, okay, well, first of all, you have to understand I'm Australian.

Without an accent. Yeah, but I had an excuse. I'm not going to tilt the whole fucking thing. Those will be out as soon as a couple weeks. Have you read Hatchets to the health professional yet? No, I did drop. The first one I did, that was before this went out. I got one mental health thing in my regular inbox i go

okay i'll do this one as a standalone and then as well as my own problems i'll throw those in um and then the second one i threw a bunch of these like that that's where i got like almost a hundred emails in the first day that that mailer went out. A lot of them were the same, like the hallucinations. Obviously, drug abuse things. I just nailed as many as I could and dropped in. It was a lady that time. I'm like, and there's some issues with my sister,

but I'll save that for a male therapist another day. some issues with my sister but i'll save that for a male therapist another day um but these are that's reading that and just reading his tone that's a guy that just needs someone to fucking tell you know he's not troubled by it but you go but when you get that floating around in your head you go i want to share this shit with someone yeah that's what made me think i should do fucking back alley fucking coat hanger therapy and i think we're gonna do that for sure i'm i'm sure we're gonna do that uh i'm gonna talk to dr drew about the fucking legality of how much do i have to distance myself not a licensed contractor no yeah he might have well as a medical professional he can't be honest with you i don't know because you know if you guys are sitting in this bar up there on the

having a cocktail you'd go yeah you know what the fuck i think yeah i would i think it would be something that would that would uh be more honest off the air. I would have to. That's true. Otherwise, he would be liable for it. Yeah, I know. I have to do, not Dr. Drew. I need to lawyer Bob. I need to do his podcast.

But I think, yeah, if we have some caveat spoken word. I remember Girls Gone wild because because uh they even girls underage girls would try to fucking get on the camera and they'd like check your eye like they stopped like just signing the thing wasn't enough because they could say i was drunk they'd have to fucking they'd also get them on camera hey you understand so they were you know you could see that they were not drunk at the time they were good yeah let's have another shot yeah uh so if we do some uh disclaimers i think the only thing is thinking of you know how litigious everyone is is that if you give someone advice even if it is friend to friend, if it's in a medium

where other people can take that advice, which is the internet, I think that opens it up. If he called you and said, hey, what do you think I should do here? I don't think you can sue someone for giving advice over the phone. Yeah, that's the point.

What advice would you give this guy? I'm not giving advice. I'm being a guy that you can tell that fucking story to that'll go, oh, is that your half sister and your sister is that two different your whole family's which one was hotter yeah any chance getting them two together i mean what are we doing thanksgiving yeah i wanted there's so many follow-up questions to this i mean that would be good like open up to Stanhope type of thing where you just kind of just talk through

a fucked up situation or situations. Yeah, I'm a fucking bartender. Yeah. I'm your best bartender. That's good. A good bartender is always your best

fucking psych guy. I'm going to save you for last because I'm a blonde god of Medusa we're at 40 right now hang on you know what that reminds me of

this commercial break and we're back alright this also treads on some of the same ground but I'll shorten this a little bit but it's really, I love where, Tyler, I'm going to mention your first name here.

Tyler, I love where he goes with this. Because he, hey there. I have a problem of productivity. I'm ambitious and have a modicum of talent. But I have a hard time actually putting in the tedious work that's required to actually see a product to its completion. Here's some examples. I like playing music. I think, hey, I'll start writing some songs. So I do. I get out the guitar and put something together that kind of sounds good. It's not great, but it's catchy. Maybe 5% of the

population might think, oh, not bad. Good tune. Here's where the fork in the road appears, and I always take a wrong turn. One road leads to the actual completion of the song. Recording it, editing it, actually buying the gear and finding some bandmates that would want to play it, rehearsing it, being scared on stage, laying out an album, etc., etc. The other road is just a fantasy. And yet I always go down that road. I sit in my chair and I think about the song, the reception of it. I fantasize playing it in front of people. And they're like, holy fuck, who is this? This is incredible. I think about how that show, our first show, there happened to be a scout from Columbia Records or whatever and he thought

god damn it this is exactly the sound the world needs to hear right now lo and behold we get signed after the signing we go on tour and the album takes off commercially successful but it's also respected I'm admired for making a billboard friendly album that also carries with it the admiration of the underground. Groupies appear in droves and I fuck and I fuck and I fuck. In reality, I'm not fucking. I'm jerking off in bed and after I come,

the fantasy dissipates and so does all the incentive to actually finish the project. Another example. I'd like to write a novel. Even before I come up with the idea that might be cool, half worth reading, I'm already thinking about being in the boardroom and executives at some publishing company talking about how much the check is going to be and what they expect it to be completed. I shake my head. Okay, well, you can work with Ingrid here. She

comes into the room and we start brainstorming and she takes in my genius. She looks at me, bites her bottom lip and asks, what are you working on these days? I say, not much, nothing good. Here's a sample. She doesn't read a thousand words before she puts it down and starts sucking me off. I come and bend all alone. The fantasy is gone and so is the motivation to put in the work. It's starting to piss me off i have big ideas but what do you seem to lack what but i seem to be only motivated by pussy which is lagging in my life and whenever i come it's like i already kind of completed the big goal so any actual work is just a hassle how does one go from being result focused to one of those guys that just puts it puts in the work day in day day out, and enjoys the grind.

I feel like I'm wasting my life and not getting anything done. I'm 37. It's almost put up or shut up time. And so far, all I've put up is a lot of cum. I'm starting to feel the pressure and starting to get scared. What's his last name? Thanks, Tyler. Does it go with Amy real good?

Because I'm in love. I love this guy. Again, very well written. Very fucking well written. That was beautiful. I love it. I love it. That's a bit.

That's a fucking bit. That's Tyler's bit. If you made that problem let's get again like maria bamford yeah the whatever behind the comedy or yeah the dark dark comedy fucking thing where she's like yeah i have mental illness but it's also a cash cow right right yeah you could turn that fucking, take that to open mic. I was going to say the same thing. Someone getting up there and doing like a tight three minutes of just what you read.

Yeah. Of just the first one. And then just, you know, thanks, that's my time. I mean, that would be as good as any open mic you've ever seen because. I would do the first part very, very close to just make sure it sounds conversational. And just brevity is key for the second example. Same with the book. I do that and just give...

Because it's the same beats, but just give... And then, yeah, that would be a fucking nice open mic chunk. Good work, Tyler. Yes. You've cured yourself. I mean, Tyler, in all seriousness, the journey, that's the goal. Don't look at things as the goal to finish. It's along the way.

If you don't find the joy in what you're doing while you're doing it, you're losing. You've got to figure it out. I completely understand that. Oh, yeah. What's the point? I mean, especially now. But you can't be so. Since I've seen everything that I could ever want to do that's worth the hassle.

People don't understand. When we went to see burt kreischer we a couple weeks ago yeah we were like i can't imagine why would you want to like the amount of work that goes in and i know he's not out there you know fucking pulling ropes and you know putting up the fucking party tent and but just the the mental anxiety just going to a show like that where it's in a big fucking arena is is anxiety riddled and oh what door do i meet you at there's so many why were you guys stressed you were. I don't like fucking crowds. I live in this town for a reason.

It's not to be fucking cool. I don't like traffic. I don't like crowds. I hate LA and New York for palpable, personal reasons. We were happy to come home. Yeah.

I love that. Tour bus. Oh, he fell in love with the tour bus when he did the All Things Comedy Festival with us, with him and Morgan Murphy and your buddy Kildestein. Yeah. I remember him talking about that and going, like, we should go on tour together. Like, talking to you. We'll get a tour bus. And you're like,

nope, nope. And he was so fixated. I would have to be drunk all the time. He was so fixated on the tour bus. I'm thinking he just wants a tour bus, you know, and that's fine.

I mean, some people can roll like that and it makes sense. But at the same time, you've done it. I would have to be just a regular daytime user of Xanax, anti-anxiety something. Yeah. Because just, you know, like fucking in limos. Like, how are you going to make this turn?

I backseat drive so bad. You know. You know how I'm stomping on the fucking brakes. I suck. I'm going to wrap this up. Medusa, I love you. And thank you for this one. Encapsulated pretty much fucking everything.

So, I don't know if I... Anyway. Medusa says, I'll keep it short. All of these struggles... All of these are struggles with no official diagnosis except for generalized anxiety and depression. I kept a lot from my psychologist when I was 18. Binge eating disorder to the point of engorgement-induced bulimia at times, then a dash of anorexia when I detoxed from the binging. Probably schizophrenia, auditory and visual

hallucinations at times. Also the sensation that there's a person standing next to me, sometimes when I'm alone. Probably autism because they don't have much of a filter and tend not to pick up on subtle social cues. A touch of neurosis and a splash of rumination. Speaking of touch, I got diddled as a kid, so having any kind of healthy relationship is out the window. Intimacy issues, usually a cry during sex or having trouble climaxing. Hypersexualizing, self-isolation, sometimes I climax randomly with no stimulation, just doing mundane daily activities. Trust issues to the point of not being able to form healthy, long-lasting relationships with most people. Procrastination and generally lying in bed all day from being in a freeze state from the overwhelm of my insignificant little problems.

Probably narcissism or bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, because I tend to be self-centered, jealous, and insufferable cunt with anyone who will have me for longer than one night stand. Is type 2 diabetes psychosomatic? So much for keeping it short. Ah, me. That was another well fucking written one. I get that one so hard to my heart. The button at the end is type 2 diabetes psychosomatic. That's a fucking gorgeous.

That one hits my heart real hard. Damn. What's the name on that one I want to know? Medusa. Medusa. Damn Medusa. Fuck. Oh, man. fuck oh man yeah that was obviously one of the

few that had the hallucinations of someone standing over their shoulder that was the the other one was the same thing damn hey hang out well if you're not on Patreon

get on Patreon. In the meantime, until I can figure out how this Patreon works, I'm using the Reddit. Oh, yeah. I don't know if I already started a mental health thread. If I haven't, I will. You should. Or someone else should.

I'll get on there. I'll jump on there. I like to. I didn't hear. I tried get on there. And I'll jump on there. I like to... Didn't hear... I try to get back to all of these. And most people wrote me back initially. So, I am in touch. And I hope I didn't take liberties

of not goofing on anybody here. But some of those are fucking funny. I think they know it's in context. I think they know. You're doing it on a podcast. Yeah, it's always other people that get upset for them. You shouldn't because that's

triggering to these people. Yeah. I think it's cathartic. Yeah. What's his name? Tyler, but Hatchet. I think he gets something out of being able to express i think everybody gets it like where you think like i take for granted that i live in a really uh solidly fucked up world with all soft edges uh round corners like there's no problems being like if that oh yeah like yeah i guess i never thought twice about it fuck my sister or something like i i have those things

that go through my head where i go wow i never really considered how fucked up these things that i've done in my life are i I think some people are just really, just better at dealing with shit than other people. Or hiding that they're dealing with shit. I mean, how many people do we know that would otherwise be a collapsing, I'm just trying to think of someone like JJ from Alaska, who has probably been through every fucking type of Me Too situation and fucking laughed about it

as she fucking stole a bag of weed on the way out of the fucking dude's apartment or something. And never like, oh yeah, fucking that guy, fucking what a weird... Never thought some people are just better than other people at some things. And they get just as vilified in this fucking climate as... Anyway, I really enjoyed that. That was great we're going to put together the back alley coat hanger

you're still compiling it I have to figure out on the website how do you schedule I know there's programs to do shit like that we got that kid in Michigan that can do some web shit if we want to do that.

Just so they can, I know how I go on things. Oh, schedule this here. He's dug down. I'll be available like four times a week. Maybe five times a week. Maybe ten times. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just saying, so like how do people, I don't know how to do the transaction.

They're not coming to the house for this. They're going to be on Zoom. I don't know how to do all that to facilitate the back alley therapy, the bartender therapy. I like coat hanger therapy. That's the best. Maybe I'll chat with Dr. Drew about it. See what's the best thing to do This book

I bought way too many copies I had to have the fucking hard copy I had to have the glossy cover The new cover There was that piece of shit that went out Hopefully not too many people got stuck with that paperback But I had to have this Stay tuned on the patreon

we're going to do patreon first the higher level patreon uh what we're going to do is we're gonna we're gonna go back to my roots and we're gonna uh telemarket this here a book i'm gonna get to get a room we're gonna get bingo working the phone you have the studio can't you just do it yeah we're gonna do it at the studio you're gonna get another studio i'm gonna put it put everyone at that big fucking uh king arthur round table that's not round uh yeah and uh we're gonna telemarket this book we're just gonna we're gonna get your your phone numbers through Patreon. Maybe we package that. I'm going to talk to our girl, Denise.

Oh, shit. I've got to sign a book for her. I've got to talk to Denise about packaging this with the 20-year anniversary of Deadbeat Hero. Put those together. Because we still have plenty of those. That would be beautiful. They're the same goddamn size. That's about the size of an old DVD package. DVD, CD, and a book.

And what? Well, some of all this goofy fucking fan mail. I find tons of shit. Old Northwest Airlines gold medallion. Tons of... Every package will have something weird and unique. Netty pots? Netty pots, yeah. Is this the size of a netty pot?

Unpublished, anonymous... What do you call that when they don't use their name? It's a... It's a It's a Alan Smithy Is the one For films Where they go

I don't want my name Associated with it They put Alan Smithy That's like an Alan Smithy type of book It's Yeah Anonymous

Alright Let's wrap it up Hey Go out And be nice To someone crazy and get them uh get them uh on the patreon get a crazy person go get it go get a fucking crazy right now get them on the patreon it's us again seb you know that at this point there's someone for everyone

and the fucking jocks have all been taken. There's plenty of fucking jocko fucking. I love how many times. And it started when I fucking. I noticed it with that Fox douchebag where I just. I got kicked off his program. Jesse Walters. Waters.

Waters. Watters. Yeah, okay. Yeah, Alex is. Jesse Walters. Waters. Waters. Watters. Yeah, okay. Yeah, Alex is, he's getting that footage put together. Yeah, when you hear all these alpha, alpha male, alpha male, that's a beta. A beta cuck must have said that. Fucking an alpha male. I'm an alpha.

And they're always talking about what man they want to lead them when they talk about what alpha men they are wait you're talking about you what names on the bumper sticker of your fucking monster truck you fucking bootlicking supplicant i think i once said waving a flag yeah i'm on it in the back of your truck. I vote for no man. So, so, yeah, that's,

that's that. Let's go, you know, go bake some taters for the, for the Dr. Drew comes, because Dave Rader's going to want to come over and get his taters. Taters with his chicken breast. I feel good.

Good. Okay, wrap it up. Chaley, wish Chaley luck. He's off, he's off on a fucking adventure for a while.

We're gonna try to live without him. No. Gary Lucy's gonna have to start doing some work. We... All right.

Oh, take us out, Bingo. Okay. Okay. Sorry. You guys know me. Everyone. Okay. Bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you.