The Doug Stanhope Podcast - #560 Sunset Patio Podcast

Episode Date: August 27, 2024

An impromptu podcast out on the patio, right after Junior Stopka and Andy Andrist arrived for the (Jr.) FartsFest Update - A big thank you to everyone who joined in on the latest Reverse-Telemarketing this past Sunday. Video of that will be uploaded to Patreon, but its a 5hr epic so might not be up until next week. BTW - We recorded lot of podcasts and additional videos this month, so we're going into editing mode. Much more to come shortly!Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

I would eat a lot less store-bought meat if instead of the expiration date they put the date that animal was murdered on. That would... And a picture of the guy who did it. Well, I don't know. To see if you like him. You're like, I don't like Eric's meat. You think that guy wants to be publicized? He hates his life. I want to see him. Just a mean old guy. Probably bald and wrinkly neck and everything Kind of looks like describing me not you Like you in five years maybe like Hank from Breaking Bad No, I'm just picturing the guy from no country for an old man. Just because he has the cow killing weapon. Oh, yeah

Sweet haircut by the way. Javier Bardin. It spawned a generation of haircuts like Jennifer Aniston's. Why is he on every newspaper? Every little sociopath kid. I had a neighbor kid who he just moved but this neighbor, he struck me as a young Jeffrey Dahmer. Creepy little kid, and then everything I learned about him. What do you mean? His demeanor?

He looked like Jeffrey Dahmer. He had the long blonde hair in his eyes and glasses and he's awkward. He had an interest in lizards and I mean he had a you know I don't know that he was taxidermian but he just he was a weird kid. Murdering these lizards? No no he kept him alive but I was thinking maybe if they I was thinking you know I'm gonna watch this kid it'll be like the Dahmer teen years he's angry his parents are fucking too liberal, and he's gonna murder somebody and thinking maybe he can, you know, if I groom him or whatever, he could not like that,

not sexually, groom him for murder or whatever. You know, it's like Dexter, you know, I need to be, you know, this kid's gonna murder somebody, why don't I help him figure out who. And he's like Jimmy Stewart in the rear window, or he's just watching his murder. Turns out this guy's just trying to lotion up lizards he thinks they have dry skin Andy. Well, it's not a weirdo. And then so then this was a nice stable family. Well they were family and then seemed to like each other or whatever and then I saw a bunch of moving boxes and I never saw them as a couple at the same... The one time they were in the driveway about 10 feet apart.

So the husband and wife split. A few weeks before that I saw an argument take place and the little Jeffrey Dahmer kid got all... He said he hated them both which, you know, I didn't want... I was behind a bush. I didn't want to say I agree. You know, I'm with you. I don't like your old man talking to me over the shine that you're hiding behind a bush by a kid yeah so but talking to him or he said he hated him and then he hears the old man grabbed him and rest wrestled him into the house and that was you know I witnessed that and I thought they're probably not gonna be here that long and yeah they fucking

out of there but I do regret that I won't get to see that kid blossom into awkward murdering teenager. You caught him during the torturing small animals? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I'm gonna miss him. I would torture, well we'd torture everything, but mostly insects. But I remember we'd go down and we'd we'd catch fish, Kivver, mm hmm. Bluegills, whatever, just shitty fish at the pond. And then they cut off their tails and their fins and then put them back in very much alive.

But then they're just like retarded. Handicapped fish. Yeah. I raise my eyebrows like that's fucking psychotic, but we used to catch toads. Psychotic sushi? I'd catch toads and then slice around their neck and then peel with pliers their skin off because underneath they had a clear layer of skin so then you could watch the organs move and the heart. I considered myself a scientist.

I did not think I was a potential serial killer. It mean it's it was science a lot of I guess maybe when I encouraged it to hop off the upside down garbage can so it would explode that was probably well Jeffrey Dahmer was just a failed chef I really enjoyed that Netflix Jeffrey Dahmer series, because it gave him a dumb, you know, you could hear a dumb Midwestern, God, grandma. He didn't like it. I don't know if they took liberty, but he had a mannequin that grandma took from him. And that was kind of a breaking point.

But he, you know, he just, he liked laying next to a, a, a rigid mannequin. He just wanted to be held. Cannibal's coming back 2025. Cannibalism. The reason I could torture a fish where I would never torture other animals is the same thinking and like about pescatarians. Like how I would never eat an animal. Well, fish, fuck it. Fish.

Yeah. Fish doesn't have feelings. They don't feel pain. Insects and fish you can torture. I'm pretty sure it's OK. I used to have a bucket of water as a kid, and I would pick up ants, and I would throw them in. I'm sure everybody's done this.

And then you watch them drown, and then you pick one or two of them out at the end, and then save one. No? Ha ha ha ha. I mean, other people take a sad story. Well, other people burn them with a mic or something. I give them a chance. They had a chance. We had a plague of gypsy moth caterpillars where like entire, it's this whole side of your house is covered with their fucking everywhere. And so I would do I would this whole I can was a mingle of torture facility. And so I tie a tie a string around

the middle and tie it to something that would sink and sink and just watch him kick around, freeze them and try to bring them back to life. wet them and then put them at the base of a plug and then put the two prongs into the socket so it, so electric chairs. Yeah. Could have been a pretty good science experiment. Try to kill a firefly and then try to light it up with a battery or something like that.

How does it work? Now you're a scientist. You don't know how things work till you take them apart. Correct. Yeah. That's all the flames go down. My mother would do because my grandmother gets tired of giving us toys and stuff only to come back the next holiday to see that we had destroyed it or set it on fire.

Yeah. Busted it apart. And that was my mother's reasoning was, oh, he likes to break things because he likes to see what makes them work. It's, that was bullshit. I just like setting shit on fire and breaking stuff. Setting shit on fire is the greatest thing in the world as a child. They said don't, they don't recommend it. You should start shit on fire.

It's pretty fun. Yeah, nobody really talked to me about it. You got to learn how to do it right. I set fire. I'd burn my own stuff, but I would do like a well one I had a big gym my Barbie doll basically it was a little dude muscle dude and He had a van it was it was a death trap waiting to happen But you put a smoke bomb in there and you load it up with all the dudes because you just

Fast times at Ridgemont High you give it a shove, you know with a smoke bomb and then my shit burned up So I was like right away. I was like in you know interested in fire but I was had to make villains out of them because they were burned beyond recognition so I had to get new toys but I thought set a lot of shit on fire the little army guys I'd like yeah try to match those they get the sound they would make we call it vips because if you'd burn the started with the little plastic army guys and then the burning pieces of Plastic would fall and it would make this very And if you did it with a bucket milk can no then you could just

Carpet bomb you yeah, I'd take a cinder block put it on its side and put all the gypsy moth moth caterpillars in the camp and And then I'd I'd get that milk jug going until it was all just dripping fucking complete fucking napalm and make a whole block of what it dried, block of gypsy moth caterpillar. They could have monetized that, thanks YouTube. I'm sure this will upset some people but I haven't done it for a long time but it's it's kind of cool to pee on a slug. A big fucking thing it's like vital to you know to the planet and they're walking along a path

and their fucking eyes are poking out. Peeing is alive. Full of life. As long as it's not sexual. You got a bladder full of fucking booze and you can fucking kill that thing just by getting one drop of piss on it. I never knew that you could pee on slugs. I feel like I've missed out in life. When I was a kid, if you'd come out and there were still slugs out in the morning, you'd run in and grab the salt. Yeah, that's a...

Dump a bunch of salt on them and watch them melt. That was fun. That's how... I guess salt, you know... That's the fast way. The salt in your urine does a slow kill. Uh-uh. They're like, oh fuck it.

I wasn't that good of a scientist. Yeah. The salt, they know they're dead, but you put it on them and they're like, what is this shit? Oh, gross. Andy used to have a story that he told on stage about leaving the beer out to kill the slugs, but then the raccoon started drinking the beer because he was an alcoholic raccoon and he had to trap the raccoon and then they told him he had to drive it like 25 miles.

Yeah, 50 miles. I don't even want to pick anybody up at the airport. I'd rather want to take a raccoon 50 miles. A drunk raccoon. So we let it go at Walmart. Yeah, I did that a lot. Inside? Raccoons are exciting. Inside Walmart? No, I did that a lot. Inside. It's raccoons are exciting inside Walmart. No outside. It's just go here buddy. You know, you could have lied. Yeah, I know you just put them

on this track to make you open the trails and then walk to the side of the truck. I blame the Inquisitor for that. And then it's the bedlam. You know, it's like creating a little, you know, it's like being a terrorist. you know, it's like being a terrorist. I mean sure terrorists enjoy their thing going, wow, did you see their heads blow? I just enjoy seeing people run from an animal. Create a panic. That is pretty great. And I had a whole, I caught maybe about eight of them that in that time frame and mostly Costco runs. I was like, I'm going there anyway, it's on the way. And where else? I led a couple out by a school and felt like, oh no, they're gonna corner us.

No kids. Yeah, I don't wanna, cause I don't like your own line. No families or kids, what a thing, Harry. I've always thought it'd be great to, I mean, as a revenge. I've always thought a great to I mean You know as a revenge thing is like to put a raccoon in somebody's inside their house or something. It's just Seems like a revenge oriented animal or fuck shit up or a possum. Yeah possums are great Domestic animals not included. Okay, is there anything the as a that is hunted

regularly that you would have a hard time killing you mean like morally you're like you mean they just have real things online now i have a you know fixed-line rhino happily there are a couple of uh... no there's a i i i i recently learned that in Arizona you can with a hunting license You can legally kill one Coda Mundy per year and my immediate You can I mean they look almost like a lemur kind of

Cute ones. They're very cool and you do it very cute and you hardly ever see them They're very elusive and my initial thought was like why in the fuck really in the wild? Why the fuck would you want to kill it go to Monday? I don't understand that there's no over in my neighborhood was destroying my yard And I couldn't fix it because I'd come back and he'd be like fuck you and do it ten times worse Good is the fur good is it here's what you do do it 10 times worse. No, so kill him. Does it taste good? There it is. Is the fur good?

Here's what you do is you kill one of them. I mean, I imagine people could eat them. I don't know. Kill one like in the Unforgiven and then splay that one out in front of your property as a warning to any others who might trespass. Like Apocalypse Now. My brother David told me that, is to hang dead, you know, the squirrels hanging dead.

Yeah, have them floating in a bucket of water at the entrance. That feels like a urban legend, but my neighbor said the same thing, except for he was talking about Mexicans. Yeah. You know how to keep Mexicans out of your yard. You just hang one in the front.

I think it was like, you know how to keep Mexicans out of your backyard. Hang one in the front yard. And I was like, ah. is that the same guy nice nice One that knocked on your door. No, this was an old. This was an old neighbor that was racist That's not there anymore. What so any and as that guy tried to make nice with you anymore. No, no I believe I've loudly talked about that story probably and he heard me Also, I would love to have Mexicans in my backyard. They party they love beer

Barbecue, I've got brick work that needs to be done Oh, that's it's going in that's it's one of the best and you close it on the same Yeah, we're gonna close on and we'll go over and then it'll be out there and then that's that yeah then and then you sit back and count count the phone I'm gonna count every 35 cents I mean the money that I got from my pod or my podcast did you call your special my comedy special it was called podcast and that a lot of people were confused because they would tune in for the podcast and there was a comedy.

And you're wondering why there's one person and you're staring at them. Yeah, no, anyway. Sorry, go. Episode one of one. But yeah, so it is a huge success and I never look back. I never look back. But you know the world needs Con. My dad grew up in a different time and he was a content provider. You know he had five kids he gave him a little bit of the guy. We had enough for our shoes. He never needed any attention for it. A generation later I'm a content provider and I don't have money for shoes

and nobody wants to know but I haven't thought it all the way through. I like the idea. Let's see if that works tomorrow. Yeah oh man with a little honing. He didn't even have legs man. Yeah especially finding out that I have to do after. He didn't even have legs, man. Yeah, especially finding out that I have to do after I've killed him. He didn't even have legs, man. Yeah, a little homage to Joe Biden. I like the burning of the ant. You have a choke. No time limit. Yeah. I wanna know the serial killers that torture insects,

use their vagina insects as a mask or something. Ed Gein, yeah. Vagina insect or insect vagina? Well, you know what I mean. Well, just the other day I was, and I'm not proud of this, but it's just how it tells you, like psychopaths are not aware of what they're doing. Like I'm smoking a joint at my grandma's house and I get ready to go back inside and check on her and I go to put it out and there's just an innocent bug crawling along the thing and I just right away put my joint out on top of this insect and I immediately was like you are a fucking horrible human being and I hate you. You're right. More than I did three seconds ago. I won't kill spiders.

I usually won't either. I'm usually very aware of it, but the fact that I just unconsciously just did it because I'm a mean, evil fuck is what it is, and I hate that. It's just one more thing to hate about myself. It's not even the worst thing about me. They're kind of like, don't be a serial killer type of animals, you know? I have a bit about that. It's basically about that. I'll save it, obviously. Sorry. No, but just, because I always think of you when I think about, like, when you're self-deprecating

and people go, oh, no, no, and you go, I live inside my head. You're skinny. I know the person I am. I'm not being like. Oh, he's a nice guy. I'm fishing for compliments. Yeah, I know the nice parts about me and I try to just focus on those and ignore the

horrible parts of me that make me afraid to go out at night because if I'm like this, there's other people like this. So now I'm afraid of all people. I Know when I'm in globe I'm stuck at my grandma's house the whole time and I'm really grateful because that town is full of low Minded people like if I have road rage I will be the second person to be like pull the fuck over I will be and I'm not even the first one and if I tell somebody else to pull the fuck over. I will be and I'm not even the first one and if I tell somebody else to pull the fuck over they will pull the fuck over that whole town is

full of people. Sounds like if I drove through globe on my cell phone I would run into some troubles. Get the fuck out of the road. Hey is this Arizona? This is great. Is the ashtray behind you? I'm more scared of things the older I get to I don't want to scare the cops. I'm scared of criminals Scared of bats everything More animals out there that I learned about them scary emus I don't want to go anywhere near you gotta have a you gotta have a death thing because I get nervous, but lately You know like I'm on a dead-end road and some weird fucking car pulls up and a sketchy dude He's like, oh is this the guy who's gonna get killed? thing because I get nervous but lately you know like I'm on a dead end road and

some weird fucking car pulls up and a sketchy dude is like oh is this the guy who's gonna get me out of this is this my fucking angel of firsts? Have you ever picked up a hitchhiker? Yeah yeah did they get to where they were going? No. Did they fit in the trunk? I used to pick up hitchhikers every time I see them. I thought of it as crazy poker. I would think, I see you're crazy and I raise you my crazy. Let's see. It's a numbers game.

If I get to murder this guy, who's the judge going to believe? Your Honor, he tried to murder me first. I picked him up as a hitchhiker. I would only pick him up if my car was like one of those death trap cars when it was just a cage and they could only open their portion of the car, you know? Didn't Junior buy that car to go on that tour with Sean Rouse? Oh yeah. Like a $500 car.

That's right. I was going to take the front seat out so he can lay on there, you know, and put a plastic thing so, because he pees all the time. Yeah, next time a urinal would be great. Oh, he, well, he was in prolific pees in his day. He's coming back. Incontinent. Incontinent. Yeah, it would have been perfect.

And then we just put him on a stretcher of some sort and wheel him to the show. It would have been perfect wheeling him to the goddamn stage like that. And then wheeling him back and saying, Get me out of Gurney, get me to the show. and then wheeling them back and say, get me on a gurney, get me to the show, before I go, let's go. Hey, it would be too much trouble to get a cocktail. And you got any more cancer stories? Uh, not yet. This thing on my head, I don't know what it is.

Do you have any are you garbage kind of things? Me? Oh yeah, all the time. Shit, yeah, I mean I could dig some up. No, but see, Junior's different. Junior's like a wholesome kind of guy. Yeah, Junior does have a sweet... He does, he's swearing in front of old people. He's a... Okay, here's an example of Junior. Dutch Brothers...

I call every lady Miss no matter what the age. Dutch Brothers is a coffee place, you know, and you go in there and say, it's my birthday. And they'll give you a free, they used to give you a free coffee now they want proof or whatever. I go, it's my friend's junior didn't want to get a free coffee for his birthday because it wasn't his birthday. Nor would he want the free coffee on his birthday probably. But I was like, wow, this guy's got some wholesomeness.

I can't do it. Wait, so you tried to get a free coffee for Junior? I got one and I go and he told me and it's his birthday and he said no it's not? Yeah I think so I think he ruined it. Well listen no he did this he says it's his Canadian birthday and then that's how he made me feel better. Yeah okay I think I need a trash gang leader junior does be as subordinate but you need to be the guy doing the bad you surprised me that like well junior you know sweet kid you know raised by good people or whatever and then and

and then the drinking that's a service tray in a hallway? I know. How did I don't I've never even seen a room service tray. Room service tray in the motel. You're talking about the food like the big people set their tray like the silverware thing. I never even seen one of those. That's a plate on it. You know, like they would serve you.

Hmm. I never had room service. No. And you've been for me for how many years? You've never seen me get room service. I saw you get room service. It was the play tray when you're done. You put the tray out in the hallway for them to come pick up your empty. All right. Let me let me rephrase, your honor. Have you ever eaten out of a bus tray at a diner

that someone didn't finish something? you guys a perfectly good piece of toast Oh, yeah, I worked in a restaurant, but I never did that. That's people are gross. Oh, I've yeah I've I've eaten I've eaten prime rib that came back when I was working It took me a couple of years of hanging out with Stan Hope For me to realize that I could just get some sort of an appetizer and then wait a minute and eat Stan Hope's entire plate of food. I don't know if I could do that. He eats almost nothing off of his plate. I always shit off the floor all the time. I'm not wasting goddamn food. I just watched the guy. He barely ate that. I'm gonna eat that. Yeah. Yeah, I take Derek when we go to the ballpark brewery.

Hey, there's a shout out local new eatery, beer-ery brewery. It's got good burgers and home handcrafted beers right down the street from. We could walk there, but as the bare naked lady said, I could walk, but I'll just drive. It's colder than it looks outside. He eats half my burger. I can't eat a whole burger. I, whenever I first started hanging out with you guys and you and Shaley took me on that tour up through Montana and everywhere.

Yeah. All the way up through everywhere we went, all the way back down. I think we were in Salt Lake and we went to a steakhouse and I ordered chicken strips. that's when Stan hope was Have you been ordering the cheapest fucking thing on the menu the entire time? I was like, yeah Well, the funny thing is my grandma will tell a story now because we traveled to Texas on my birthday every year And she would tell me you can get anything you want. It's your birthday

And she says you would always just order based on the price of the menu. You would never order food. Even as a little kid. As a little kid, I would order the cheapest. If somebody else is paying, I don't wanna be the fucking dick that orders the fucking, you know, most expensive things. And yeah, and you.

And we're back. I recently had a steak dinner. Absolutely. Me and Doug. When we were in Kansas City, we sat down at a steak house and I didn't, well, we ordered steak. We ordered steak by the ounce. You know, Doug, yeah, go ahead.

We'd been drinking all day. Yeah. The day off. That was true. It was an extra day after the James Inman podcast. So we're like, you got to write Footloose and Fancy Free. And there's a very high dollar steakhouse that I had been in when I first got there. Uh, attached to it was attached to the hotel. Yeah.

It's right beside the hotel. Uh, and I had been in there the night before sitting at the bar at happy hour and having a Something is really expensive. So I get something vaguely Reasonably priced and I was sitting next to two two two black guys came in that You know are famous. You just don't know why you know what you know okay these are definitely famous black guys they're not wearing their club Trotter outfits look famous to Andy yeah yeah that's true I used to go up to random black eyes and ask for Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he idolized black guys. I'd get to Portland and I'd go running up thinking I'm meeting the Blazers. It's a wino on fucking Burnside. What the fuck wrong with you, kid? Are you Keith Sarsby? It wasn't like it was like 7-3 or anything, but. Yeah, I would have just been direct. Why are you two black guys famous? That's what I would. Well, if I had two black guys famous we've done that before it's in no good end I'll tell you how sober

I was there was a $17 margaritas so yeah I wasn't I wasn't at the place where I was about to say hey you're famous so am am I. That's like eight, nine drinks in where you. You remember we did that at the Aloft in Tucson? No. Somebody showed up in there that was clearly an entourage and famous, and I just started being completely obnoxious. Who are you?

You're somebody, who are you? Just fucking like, we were so drunk. I was probably trying to start a fight. It was bad. No, I don't remember that. Who was it? I don't remember. Seal?

No, no, no. I do remember. It was like a... Okay. It was... Erika Badu? He was a member of that Strange Music rap. Like Tech 9. It wasn't Tech 9 and then, but it was a close dude. DJ Onsat that'd be a cool name for a DJ right? Yeah I was a complete dick I'm lucky they didn't beat the fuck out of me. Well I think if I don't remember the entire thing but it was when we were staying in Tucson a lot with bingo stuff and so it

was a pretty stressful time and then you and and Shalee were having a tift at one end of the bar. I believe you guys may have been throwing peanuts at each other, but mad at each other, like not even joking throwing peanuts at each other. That sounds familiar. And then, so I was trying to just draw attention and make you guys laugh.

So I just started being annoying to the- Peacekeeper. The obviously famous guys coming in. I had a nervous breakdown. After my nephew died, I did some gigs with some guys out in Florida. Anyway, I didn't handle my nephew's death or whatever and had kind of a nervous breakdown. One of the gigs I was paid to go there was a roast of one of the guys, the big fucking dude. And I went in there and I was tripping from,

I don't know, grief or whatever, but I was hallucinating what I was seeing. You know, like I saw the fucking thing. Grief tripping? I don't know, man, I was in, I was in. Were there drugs involved? Yeah, there was drugs also involved, but at one point I was on a beach in Florida

and I tried to bury my, I was like a sea turtle. I had a friend with me and he was like, I didn't know what was going on. I think I was trying to bury myself. But anyway, I went in and I'm bugging out. I can't do this gig, I see this shit and it's like, oh fuck, it's like a picture of Christ with a bunch of demons in it or whatever. I can't do the show. I run barefoot, I run into the bathroom and as I

run in there, there's Kirschner and he goes, hey, you want to do a bump? Okay, I'm tripping, I'm freaking out already and now my lawyer's in there offering cocaine in the toilet. And then I went out and hid in my car with this friend, and then a guy sees me, he's out in the parking lot, and he goes, Andy, and I don't even, there was no context for how I even knew this dude or whatever. He knew who I was. And then he said, I'm crying, I'm like losing my shit. I'm like, you know, nervous breakdown. And this guy's gone the bat in the backseat on the phone goes, guess who I'm in the car with? And like to whoever. And it's like, Andy, Andrews is in the good Andy. Hey, say hi to my friend. But I remember just

kind of like fucking just freaking out and then seeing Kershner fucking ready to roll Goddamn it. I got good legal representation Good lawyer laying down line my Army recruiter when I was in high school would lay down lines of meth If you were on the end with them you could cruise by If you were in trouble you could you could lay You could cruise by the Army Recruiter. If you were in trouble. You could stop by the Army Recruiter's office and get you a line of meth in the bathroom. Why meth?

Meth was big when I was young. Drop and give me only 20. We didn't even have cocaine when I was young. I can't give you a 55 will do. It was only meth. What year was this? Let's see, I joined in 93. That was a coke era.

Well, I was in a town of 5,000 people. And it was also back when you started the war, you were in the military. Yeah, I was in the military. I was in the military. I was in the military. I was in the military. I was in the military. I was in the military. I was in the military. I joined in 93. Yeah, that was a coke era. Well, I was in a town of 5,000 people of, you know. And it was also back when you snorted meth. Yes.

I think that would be. And I believe we called it crank. Was it called crank? Yeah, crank. Peanut butter crank. We would call it a lot of times. Crystal is what we call it. One time my wife called somebody who was a worker under her.

He was like a repair guy. So he came over to do some odd jobs at our house and my wife told him, my husband's a comedian. He goes, you know who my favorite comedian, Doug Stanhope. My wife leaves for work. I go, yeah, I know Doug. We're friends and stuff. And then when Larenda leaves, then he's like, you wanna do a bump?

It's like 10 in the morning on a Tuesday. I'm like, yeah, sure. That's great. That's just because, yeah, Doug Stanhope, oh yeah, I know Doug. And then he's like, lets his guard down. And then I'm like, well, we'll keep hiring this guy cause he gets shit done and whatever.

I remember being a little fucked up in a bar. It was after a show. So there's a few people, several people from the show in a bar. It was after his show, so there's a few people, several people from the show in the bar. I don't know, I just ordered a drink or any way. I turned around and I saw a guy from twice as far away as you, and he just looked at me, and it was the most subtle.

He just said, he just went, went in the bathroom. It was like the most subtle unspoken. Yeah. Yeah There was no cocaine going on Like like a bad act, yeah, I'll go ahead and yeah, you know, I got worse how does this work? I'm just I'll go ahead and yeah, you know, I got first. How does this work? I take off my polka dots. I've had troops come after me after his show and You know what? It's like to have a friend die in a thing

You know what? It's like to let a buddy do cocaine and you don't know if it's got fentanyl in it, you know You gotta sit back. Yeah, wait, let it be the canary in the cold. Yeah, we all got stresses, bro He's a point man. Yeah, I rather do that in dry one. Yeah, we all got stresses bro. He's the point man. Yeah. I'd rather do that than drywall. I have a cocaine story and a meth story that I've probably told before, but whenever I first went with you and Shaly, we were in New Mexico and it was just a whirlwind for me because I was, you know, this is Stan Hope is a fucking comedian. That's all I knew. I didn't know much else. I knew as a comedian. I didn't know is fucking comedian. That's all I knew. I didn't know much else. I knew as a comedian.

I didn't know you as a dude. So I still had weird expectations. So we go out and we go to this rooftop party. First gig of the tour. Yeah, one of the first. I went to Texas first. Oh, El Paso, yeah, all right. But so we go and immediately, right away,

you wanna do a bump? And I'm like, fuck yeah, I'm in the fucking, this is great, I'm gonna have this. And I do a bump and then as soon as, I'm looking around on this rooftop party and I see all these cocaine conversations going on, I'm like, all right, which one of these am I gonna go join up?

And Shay there walks up and goes, you ready to go? Wait, we just bail? After the, we don't, like, Stan Hope doesn't just party? Like, the reputation is like the party. No, no, we gotta get the fuck out of here right now. Fuck me, I fucked up. I did. I did too big.

Yeah, we would have probably been heading to like, Greeley the next day, I'm guessing. Yep. Yep. Which was one of my favorites. No, no, where do they have the comedy condo? That could have been Greeley. There's Fort Collins. I don't know if it was Fort Collins.

Or Colorado Springs. Which one's near an Air Force base? Colorado Springs. Okay. Corpus Christi? That's where we were. But did you? In there.

And that was one of my favorite stops because one of the people there a Fan there took me home to her house and just gave me a shit ton of weed to bring with me on the whole rest Of the tour because it was legal in Colorado and it was she was cool as fuck. That's cool Little fucking sprinkle. I like it. Yeah Yeah, but but one time we when went, I think we were in Michigan. Yeah. Lansing lug nuts. And we're, uh, and when we're at a bar and then Andy hooks up with a dude that gets us some cocaine. I'm not the guy. Andy comes upstairs and dumps it out on the thing. And I immediately looked at it and I go, that's methamphetamine. That's really, oh, that's methamphetamine. I'm like,

that's fucking totally not okay. That's fucking methamphetamine. I snorted a bunch of methamphetamine. That's methamphetamine. I think Tracy was like, the only way I can get good coke is the cornhole, fella. So, I don't even do that no more.

So, that was not the funniest part though is that then I was like, and we're like, should we do it? Fuck no. I don't even do that no more. So that was not the funniest part though is that then I was like, and we're like, should we do it? Like, fuck no, I don't want to do that. So Andy packages it back up and takes it back downstairs. To the bar next to the hotel. To the bar and tells the guy, hey man, you got us the wrong stuff. Oh man, he must have given me the wrong stuff, give that back to me. I'll go take it back.

Oh, I'm going to get the right stuff and I'll be right back. We never fucking saw again. Hey Harold, I'm coming over. You gave me the wrong stuff. I'm proud of that. I got a good customer here. You gave me the wrong bag. Oh Jesus, that was fucking funny.

You know, you guys are too trustworthy. But I do remember there was. Andy tried to attempt a goddamn return. Was bingo there? Amazon has given people too much false confidence in the, I forget, 100% satisfaction. Return and replace. How hard was that guy laughing, driving away from that fucking bar

before he went and railed up that man? And I'm sure you told him you're a comedian that's only in town for one night. Yeah. I'm just a traveling salesman, here with a little bit of money. I wanted a lottery. I fucking hate it when I give out information that can be, you know, you give out too much information and shit. What's the statute of limitations?

I've done a lot less of that on the podcast. That's a, let's live more in the moment and not talk about a lot of shit. Yeah, I don't like people. You know, I used to like all my fucking. Yeah, my world's an open book and tell everyone everything that's happening in my life, boring or not on the podcast. And now I don't want people to know what the fuck I'm doing. Yeah, I always thought that was weird.

You put your address on the internet. Oh that I still like. I still like getting free shit in the mail. 212 Van Dyke Street, Busby Arizona 85603. If you see a fucking girl in there with fucking dreadlocks and she might not belong. Yeah animals. She doesn't listen to the podcast., I'm with you junior. That was one of the things that's change That was like a complete paradigm shift for me in privacy Because I was so always over private and then I'm with this guy fucking puts his shit out You know how many neighbors I know He's only a deal with a handful of psychopaths. That's amazing. Yeah, that's true.

And you usually bounce them. There was a creepy guy on a motorcycle. I remember. A couple of times. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I'm so happy. Fucking.

Junior's filming this. Yeah. Yeah. I do feel the stroke coming on. He's been doing it this long and he doesn't have a fucking, even a half an hour. I don't know. And he flouted COVID so hard. You know, I think he's probably going to die of COVID soon. Junior? Yeah, he.

That was the best COVID. I want another two or three of them right after this one. That was great. COVID was the greatest gift. You talked so much shit before you finally got it. Did you do the COVID shot? Yeah, I got Johnson and Johnson so I could drink at the bar. It's a shot of Jameson with a beer. Yeah. That's the only one, man. That's why I tell people who are Vax or anti-Vax, I go, I got the Johnson and Johnson so I could drink in a bar. So like, okay, so whatever side

he's on, he's still. You think I trust Johnson and Johnson after they gave me cancer with their talcum powder? Not in this class action lawsuit. Yeah, I heard it gives women blood clots. Well, yeah. Well, so does the kick in their cunt when they're having their period. It's okay. All right. Crowd work.

Hey, can you just be crowd work the comic? Hey y'all, here he comes. Oh, no. Oh, no. You're supposed to be wet or dry. Everybody crowd work. Oh, my Lord. All right.

Well, maybe we're going to try to see what Andy's schedule turns out to be. Well, I can cancel uh well, you don't have you don't need to cancel it. No, I mean I can't cancel elk hunting or I would guys. I can't yeah. No, I like I like this. I want to get junior to go on uh one of them for a short run and then we'll do when you're available we'll do a short run but have you seen juniors calendar it's like blackout bingo every dates it just has car parts listed it kind of does beginning or ending at the skank fest so just in the same way I don't like comedy. I mean, I don't hate it.

I just don't. Yeah, I mean, I'm terrified of that fucking skank fest. I'll tell you. Oh. You got the fucking blast. I love watching. So inclusive. I want to be the, ever since it first came out,

I've watched it along with it on social media. I love watching a new comics perform. I wanted to be there. I'm like, if I ever wanted to go somewhere, it'd be there. That would be fantastic. But then part of me, that's a very comics perform. I wanted to be there. I'm like, if I ever wanted to go somewhere, it'd be there. That would be fantastic. But then part of me, that's a very aggressive crowd. I follow that. No, no.

Louis J. Gould has. No, not at all. They're almost supporters. They're like Juggalos. They're very aggressive. Yeah. Oh, Louis is very aggressive. And he fights people in the ring, but in a very fun way.

Yes, yes. Everyone's like wicked Juggalo community. To me, he was a sweet guy. He was like, oh. I'm not afraid of that. It's just that he seemed to be aggressive. And I'm like, I don't know how well I fit in aggressive. Well, also Doug's idea is to set up adjacent

at a comfortable space. I think Michael Richards could walk up there and everybody would fucking have a round, like stand up and go, yeah! That's how supportive he was. I wanted to see. I mean, that's like stand up and go. Yeah, that's how I wanted it I wanted a crowd serve Yeah, look I mean the Comedy festival the wrap-up, you know those Gilbert over there and sag it I think What?

There's Gilbert Godfrey and Bob second were there really yeah like one of their last Biggest thing that's ever been in comedy Yeah, I mean everything else that was in comedy with people went to to try to get a deal This is like the first true like okay. This is just for fun Yeah, this is run by comical is run by comics. Just for fun. Everything else was run by fucking mercenaries or for networks and agents. How long before it's ruined? I don't...

These guys seem pretty impervious. Yeah. You know, they're kind of along the lines of Sandho. Louis J. Gomez, he says fuck his shit. I've never seen his comedy, but I follow him on Twitter. Me neither, he's a nice guy. I follow him on Twitter and I really think he's hilarious and he's funny and he just, he doesn't give a fuck.

And that's what I like. And I think I'd either like that guy or we'd fight. But if you were- Oh no, we have a common enemy. I forgot about that. Yeah. Just that. You tell us after.

I'm curious to know. So you go with us and then we kill an Elkhound. Wait, is it a known enemy? Yeah. What did you say? You can tell us after. I'm curious to know. So you go with us and then we kill an Elkhound. Wait, is it an enemy? Yeah. I think you would be so beloved at Skankfest. I don't want to have to take sides, so don't tell me. Yeah, no, no, I don't want to podcast. I don't want to see shit.

Flores? Yeah. I haven't seen like half the shit It's like skank fest is like the Death Valley party if if it were fucking Remember when we had the Death Valley party and the fucking Hollywood douchebag came out and I still think oh, yeah Invited him and he acted like oh, I just stopped in for gas and what's this party? I'm Michael bean, right? No, no, he's a he said he's a producer and we could make this into a big thing. It's like, all of a

sudden, the industry showed up like, it was Aspen or something and he was pitching me. He was saying, I'm me and Renee should do a show. It's like, all these fucking, you know, he's like, yeah, it's just a weirdo shows up. It does feel like that could have been a plant. Yeah. It's just a weirdo shows up. It does feel like that could have been a plant. Yeah. Imagine if that guy was legit and blew the Death Valley party up into something huge. Right, right.

Yeah, it's somewhere between the chuglows and- Yeah, what you guys are doing is magical. Yeah, we know that, but yeah. Yeah. It's chuglows without the mud. It's inventive. It's creative. That whole...

And oh, that's my point was that remember, anytime you went to bed in Death Valley, you like wake up going, fuck, what did I miss? Because there's always something going on. And Skankfest in Vegas, it doesn't stop. So there's always something going on. Yeah. Like if you saw a great show, you missed a great party because you saw a great show and you're just... And then there was the afterwards big party after the, you know, whatever small parties are going on.

Yeah. So what you try to do is not make the biggest asshole out of yourself of the party. So at least you leave where everyone else is talking about some other asshole that's why I don't do sets there I mean I did the first time yeah I'm going I think we're gonna look for a my buddies perform them yeah the only thing that's gonna be affordable is not gonna be near it so it's gonna be better if I have a place wait you're come who did maybe well we were talking about that as part of that tour is the end of the two and a half weeks that won't work with Uh I don't I've been spending a lot of money but I haven't worked in a

year and a half so I can't keep spending a lot of money. Uh since yeah May. Wait. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. This could hit the dry. There's Bingo. That's funny. Hi. This is Bingo. Hi. We're on a podcast on the patio. You wanna come

over? Um I was gonna burn this phone but um you're busy. All right, well, okay. Then I'll let you go, but we're out on the patio. Skeeters ain't bitin'. Who's all over there? Andy and Chad and Junior and Derek and Alex is somewhere. Junior's there and Chad's there, I'm coming over. I was gonna sweeten it up with Johnny Depp. Fuck you, Andy. It almost seemed like a commercial for me. But but I was gonna sweep it up with Johnny

Like a commercial to for me So yeah if we can get I Was looking at these sweets. They're probably all gone now. Anyway at the Circa. I go should I spend ten grand? Oh, it's that much. Oh Jesus It was that would have been for it was maybe twelve grand for two like giant suites one had Two bunk beds, so it's four double beds or four queen-size beds in one room and I go that'd be kind of funny But I don't know. Yeah, I don't know who's aged out here like I could still fucking sleep in a room with a bunch of people There's something like that

More passing out than going to exactly and it has a whole sweet side of it They're like all right. There's couches and shit, and then there's another master suite where you could yeah, you could probably Seat fucking you know 30 people in couches in a giant suite and then have a king-size bed Suite on a corner of a fucking hilarious and I and I'm like, I don't know like but it would Like a one-off show for a Billionaire who wants to hire Doug Sando for a million dollars, and then you just go your fucking wife's fat fuck you But I thought that we could like hey we make this a fucking alt you know a

Green room like hey if you fucking when you come back to the circus we could Hey, we make this a fucking alt, you know, a green room. Like, hey, if you fucking, when you come back to the Circo, we could run this 24 seven, we could do a 24 seven podcast. We're not doing shows. I just find- Well, that would be a attraction in itself, yeah. Yeah. The fucking Unbookables are here. The new Unbookables.

Yeah, they're not doing shows, they're just fans. The new Unbookables. The new Unbookables are here the new unbookables. Yeah, they're not doing shows. They're just fans Yeah, yeah, no they wanted it they wanted us to do a set in fact They offered a state a whole stage, but we don't we don't want to get booked. What have we changed? Oh, they have offered me. Oh, I know I know Like even though like the impractical Joker's cruise. I'm like, I don't want to ruin a vacation by having to worry about a set. Just want to go and have fun, yeah. It would be fun to ruin a vacation, though, for people.

Oh, I've done it. Oh, ruin other people's vacations. Yeah, I've done that. Yeah, oh yeah. No, but open contempt for the entire crew's audience, that would be kind of fun. Like, what are you going to do? I'm going to, I'm going to call you a piece of shit tomorrow too. I think they did that with that submarine that went down to see the

tie showed contempt for the whole audience. My friend was a comic on that submersible that exploded by the Titanic. He did. He was doing one liners. You know what? You ever have a friend's eyeballs blow out because the compression. Oh man. I'm sorry to hear it.

Didn't that happen to Michael Bean and the abyss? I haven't seen you just talk to him. You didn't ask. We don't always talk about the end of the abyss. Was it the squiggly lines? What did he say? Like, you know, a little escape. I need to watch The Abyss again. Yeah, it's very good.

I need to watch Alien for the first time ever. I just watched that. I've already weavered at her past. What's it, Chameleon? Alien? Alien. Oh, Alien. You've never? Never watched it. Wow. That's fucking, yeah. Not in my life have I watched it.

Yeah, it's a great movie to think of. I watched everything so horny we were in those days. I don't know if it's Alien or Aliens. He's an Alien. There's one of them both. The first one is in, the first one is a horror movie, the second one is like an action horror movie. It's freaking awesome. Yeah, Michael Biehn's in the second one. And he... Yeah. That's a lot of tombstones. Because of a heroin guy, right? Some guy on heroin dropped out. Yeah, Terminator.

I always forget in that argument of, has there ever been a sequel that's good? And you go, oh, that one was better by far. That's the one people remember. They think when I say Michael Biehn, the guy from Terminator, they go, the one people remember they think when I say Michael bean the guy from Terminator they go the one that gets shot and turns into metal and Guy from the first one yeah, the one who's a hot chick who grows her breasts. No, that's three I just listened to this book. He didn't pull out and he caused the Whole insurrection sorry I listened to a book called Last Action Heroes,

and it's kind of like Raging Bulls, Easy Riders, if you've read that one, which is about all the movies, guys from that era. This is like the Stallone Schwarzenegger inside story, Van Damme, Seagal guys, and it's just, it's like fucking just non-stop gossip it's really really good and I didn't know that the like the abyss was a fucking flop basically like it was it was shit on by critics and I was fucking

loved that movie it's weird when you find out that something that you thought was huge was roundly panned, but yeah, I thought it was a popular movie. Well, it was, it was kind of weird looking back that it starts out as this whole like, uh, action, like a survival-y kind of us against, and then it turns into an alien thing at the end. But there were other movies exactly the same at that time. That was, it was kind of a cookie cutter type deal, wouldn't it? Yeah, but but that was the beginning was you know? There was no like hint of aliens. This was about the end of the world or something. I forget that Yeah, but it's like a full metal jacket where you go. Okay. That's like two different movies

Yes, as far as underwater movies the best Best underwater movie is that movie definitely? Yeah There's no other underwater movie Poseidon adventure jaws arguably was above water Red October, all right. It's a submarine, believe me. Sean Connery. Yeah. Underwater, humanoids from the deep, but they rape people on the surface.

But he feared what was underneath. But really. Did you ever try to fuck in a pool? Yeah, that's why they came on the surface. Ruin the sea. Weakened at Bernice could be considered. Squeaking a balloon. Have you seen humanooid from the deep?

It's a real, Yes. Yeah, it's basically, it's basically like Jaws, and Jaws, they go, we gotta keep the seafood festival. Well, there's these monsters raping some of the women, but we got the seafood fest this weekend.

And then the Indians were involved somehow. It was pretty weird. It was a formulated movie when I saw that I was like I'm not getting raped by a sea monster and then I got raped by a man. I was looking out for a sea monster let my guard down. Whatever happened to that? Is he still at that church? Who, the sea monster? I don't know. The guy who molested me went to... this is according to his backstory he told me, but he studied to be a monk. And if he would have just gotten his degree, I could have made money on the gig. He was like a failed monk, so who do you sue?

Hey, don't spoil the documentary for us Yeah, yeah, just goes to show you Buddhism has its problems Word on that running joke We'll talk about it afterwards I haven't seen our producer in a while I accused him of making a Australian porno in the fun house. Nobody's seen Memzy for a while. They seem very positive.

Australian porno, do that, dude. You think there's an OnlyFans situation going on, Andy? You think that's a cock? That's not a cock. It is a cock now. They're pretty good looking. Maybe we should subscribe to that. Bring it to him.

No, man. I just want to go. I see him, I want to be on camera. And I go, you know what? Now they're pretty good looking maybe we should subscribe bring it In the movie Footloose they showed us a couple of butts that didn't really tie into the whole movie How is that to who's that is that that main main thing? No, it's just the butt they showed. I just watched that and I agree with the, I think the town would have been better off to band dancing because it just turned into a shit show. Is that the one with the... Kevin Bacon and... Yeah. Like all these dudes, they never danced at all right And then they go because it's illegal because some kids died in a bridge accident And they made dancing illegal so a whole generation grows up without dancing this guy goes ahead puts on a dance And then motherfuckers are breakdancing white guys On that like it's not really seen breaking to electric

That's when I started break dancing that you know odd Fact well, I guess it's a big meme, but I'm not a guy that knows memes now, but John Claude Van Damme was an extra in breaking. Oh, yeah, it's one of his first things It's such a good book that fucking last action heroes first things. Such a good book. That fucking last action heroes. Oh, yeah. But now Stallone and Schwarzenegger hated each other so bad. Like, OK, in Rambo, he had like a nine and a half inch blade on his knife. So when Predator came out,

the Schwarzenegger made sure this was a ten and a half inch blade. And like just all this fucking minutiae and silly. Does it cover up to the expendables where they buried the hatchet? No, they I think it was the movie was called Last Action Hero where they buried the hatchet. OK, it was kind of a flop. I think that was a Schwarzenegger movie. Yeah, with Tom Arnold.

Isn't that the movie? True Liza's Tom. No, it was a flop. But it was like a spoof. Everybody wanted to see. was like a spoof. Everybody wanted to see Pacino. They wanted to see them together. No, that was Expendables.

No, this is earlier. Last Action Hero didn't have them together, did it? No, that was Jamie Lee Curtis. Yeah, that's right. Tom Arnold. Nobody's mistaken Tom Arnold was Sylvester Stallone. The first movie was Sloan and Schwarzenegger. Expendables one two don't be shy. I saw a cutout of Stallone in last action hero with Schwarzenegger but it was a body cutout and he was in a

video store. I like that story we we heard when we were at Shotzi's. Or what was the bar he owned? Yeah, they talk about that, but before he bought it. Yeah, anyway, he had a Christmas party one year. And he came down to this bar named after him or whatever. Maybe he owned it at the time. And he went around to tables and he goes, oh yeah I thought maybe you would like an eight by ten and he's given and now they like tens of them autographed eight by tens of the

cut at a bar which is fucking to me that's just great I thought you might enjoy a picture of me I would love that. Oh yeah. No other of those douchebags. No Stallone. Which I never watched. It wasn't like the generation like everybody wanted to see. Not before Alien. You want to see Pacino and De Niro in a movie together, but I don't think that same, you know, like Stallone, did Stallone and Bruce Willis do anything? Bruce Willis? Yeah that would be a team of Stallone and Bruce Willis that they do probably. Expendables right? What if they just

redid that Richard Pryor Gene Wilder movie? Yeah, See No Evil. That would was a great one. No, that'd be good, though, because Bruce Willis is retarded now. That was good. And we're back. Put the girl in the middle on a mic. Bingo! Hello, my babies! Hello, Andy!

Hello, my love! Hello, baby! My baby!, hello Andy. Hello my love. Hello baby, my baby. Junior Jerky. Hello. Good to see you. Junior I'm coming in for you. Junior.

Women drivers, no survivors. Junior. Junior. I brought, I brought. Where did you get your jerky? I made it you made the jerky. I brought I brought jerky. I bought an Oregon and it's I Won't go head-to-head if it's your personal stash. You want some no. No, but I mean we could have a jerk-off We feed each other Take a piece of jerky with our left hand. Wally.

Hand it to the person on the right. Yeah, baby. I hope his plan was, because he was filming for a while and he probably moved the camera because it started to sprinkle. And I don't see it move to a different location so maybe he thought he could just from a distance just loop our sound and which I like that yeah I mean I love the idea of not being on camera but not being

on camera so it's a video podcast but you're not looking especially if it's one of the parts where I look like a complete moron Like just on a loop over and over and then people can zoom on it and take a snap I haven't send it to me higher broccoli floret in between my teeth If he's trying to do that and now you're on He's trying to do that and now you're on Well, that was the only way the joke worked God damn it. Sorry Joshy

Christine's son. Yeah. Yeah She don't stand. You know what? That's a fucking like just we have just enough stand-ups here in town where you go Hey, we went to a Safeway today. It's our Gary Lucy And hey, there's Christine Levine's son. You don't have to be on the Sunset Boulevard. No. There's stars walking down the street right here. Yeah.

I love your glasses. Take a look at her glasses. Yeah. Because Are those your eyebrows? Yeah, exactly. They look like the Wow. Top of the strawberry. Yeah. Because it's because. Are those your eyebrows? Yeah, exactly. They look like the the the

top of the strawberry. Yeah. What's the groucho marks glasses? Yeah. Big eyebrows. Oh, yeah. Because you're because you're purple. I brought. Tell everybody there's strawberries. There's strawberries. But it the tops of the green match where your eyebrows are green and match ish.

You're at on top of a big penis You know to me how'd you know it's gross so big huh? What do you got some penis glasses on there? Were you just happy to see me? I did what was the word you used? I've been talking to my doctor on text for like the last time. So why? He just left my place. I think it's... Yeah, go ahead. So what was the word you kept using over and over that you were delusional or something you were saying?

Jesus. No. You were really tired and you were saying, I got a fucking lady, I gotta sleep. How about smarter than me? I don't know, what was I saying? You were out of, you're a little sleepy. Oh, I was totally, oh, what was I saying? I like Doug's point of you're eating Xanax

that you know won't help you go to sleep. I was eating a mother, oh, oh, okay. It's like you're eating theanax that you know won't help you go to sleep. I was eating a mother... When... Oh, oh, I was... It's like you're eating the trick or treat candy and I'm Spider-Man. Yeah. It was restless leg syndrome, but I was calling it irritable leg syndrome

because it's like irritable bowel syndrome, it was that bad. So I was just like, Doc, I have irritable leg syndrome, and she was laughing her ass off. That's where your legs shake so bad you shit yourself? Well, I didn't shit myself, but I could have. It was so fucking horrible. I couldn't sleep at all, and I have restless leg syndrome.

So I started eating those buffalo nickels your grandmother gave you out of the safe deposit box, and it hasn't helped. Well I know but when it's that bad you do anything to help yourself and the Xanax did not help at all. Right. I know I know I know but it's like the definition of insanity is eating all this annex For one commend you because I would not even think about eating all this annex I would immediately just let me the fuck out of bingo. Have you any kind of violent way? Santa put me on his little treadmill II thing It's like a stair master, but it's just the stair part

There's any puts me on an old man's walker to keep you stabilized. I do that I use the walker to do dips. As he's doing it yeah. Yeah we gotta maybe. That did help a little bit. Yeah I use my knee pillow to take naps. It's kind of the same thing. Yeah I worked putting together this whole I love it, Chad. Uh, we're, uh, this is a side project that is live forever with Doug Stanhope where, you know, I, I, I, my smoothies and my, my dumb regimen of exercises. Your powders. Yeah.

With all the powders and the things and a shot of rum. Yeah. A little bit unhealthy. Pulp pills or what are those? I have a psyllium husk. You are kind of an anomaly for your lifestyle to be as healthy as you are. It's true. I mean you you could you know have a regimen that people would follow. There are a lot of people who follow a degenerate lifestyle but don't have the part to offset it. You seem to have found the balance where you can be a degenerate but balance it out. I got talk trainer behind me who's with protein powders and brain power pills. Oh how do you remember those old how do you remember that bit Doug? How do you remember those old? How do you remember that bit? well taking pills

To yeah, I'd like to remember some old bits. Maybe I get some work again. Yeah, banana bag. Yep Liquid IV is fucking who just way too much sugar in it's like a little grams of sugar Banana bag is just like that's the like two and three grams. That's the yellow **** Oh, that **** right there. Yeah, yeah. Yeah and I that's what I'm saying. I pound that in a 50 ounce. They say put it in 16 ounces. I put

it in 50 cuz uh I don't like the sweet but it's just gives it enough taste that you're not drinking water and water sucks. Like electrolytes. Yeah, it's the same thing as liquid IV. Just no uh sure four grams of sugar to 11 and Not overly sweet and it dissolves liquid IV would fucking stick to the bottom of the I

Was looking for a place yesterday to give me an IV. Oh Really? Yeah, and Jenny said her she had a gal that she knew it worked it had it but she got sued had to shut it down she knew it worked, it had it, but she got sued, had to shut it down. Well, I know someone who's getting cancer meds for someone we know with cancer that doesn't wanna get it treated, but that doesn't have insurance. So they must have, someone in Mexico

has gotta fucking be able to give you an IV. I need to look into that, because when I was in the army, I had a medic that lived about four doors down from me. Four clicks. That's not a barracks term. there. I don't know what I'm talking about, but I heard it on a movie. I would just go knock on the medic's door, I need an IV, and he'd give me an IV, and then I would inject it into that giant thing on the back of my hand. Damn, dude.

I love the fucking hand IVs. Yeah. Anybody ever tried that, drinking with an IV like that? Yes. I mean, halfway through being severely hungover, you put it in, put it on, put on some fucking cartoons. Saturday morning, it was back when there was Saturday morning cartoons.

Or a religious show. Put on Saturday morning cartoons, and halfway through that IV bag, I was ready to be drinking. Yeah. Wow. Someone offered us that in Vegas. Salin? Salin?

They work immediately. They do it on the strip. No, no. us that in Vegas. Salin? Salin? They work immediately. They do it on the strip. No, no. Someone that was at one of the... A nurse. A nurse? Yeah. Oh, was... Yeah. Wait, I want to say it was... Was it Joanne Savoie? No. Was it one of her friends? No. It wasn't her. It wasn't her. But I think it might have been someone with her.

I do remember a bit about that. Why didn't we do that? Fuck. I know how well that works. I think I was around for that, too. I think they were doing it or available to do it when we weren't needing it. And then when we needed it, they weren't there.

It wasn't around. I think I was there for that. I've lost my fear of needles. Oh, man, I did, too. Yeah, I love them now. Yeah lost my fear of needles. Oh man, I did too. Yeah, I love them. Great. Yeah, no, me too. I had ten vials. I'm giving ten vials. I got it. I had to do self injections. That was part of my thing. Into the gut. It seemed to work out better than the leg or whatever. So I do it in the gut, pinch a little thing and then poke it in and then that

sting a little but then they retract. I mean it's never been easier to be a drug fiend with needles because the needle would just retract so I wouldn't have to pull the needle out and pop in. Ouch that hurt and then it was done and once it's in there and then you know. I kind of like the part of showing off to who's giving you the needle that you don't care. Yeah you know so yeah that's like giving yourself a massage you know oh my thighs real tight let me do it myself. Yeah. Epstein Island, would you mind just injecting my shoulders a little bit?

I had Frank from Canada do it. He wanted to do an injection, and I allowed him to inject me in the belly. It was worse than doing it myself by far. I got to where it was just part of the no big deal. But I would tread needles. I would talk every it was just part of the, you know, no big deal. But I, I, I would tread needles. I would talk every time I go get a blood draw. I would tell them, I'm not very good with needles. And it's like fucking enough

man. And I'll just go in and, and then I ask them, are you, uh, they go, which, which arm? And I go, you tell me, uh, cause then if they fuck up, then it's their fault. So you tell me which one do you feel like? Professional where you got access like, oh yeah. I had to do, I had to do this. You're the professional, where you got access. Yeah, yeah. I had to do the squeezy, squeeze the ball kind of thing to get the last, when I had to give 10 vials,

by the 10th they're like, yeah, it's coming real slow. It's not really in the way. It's flowing out. Oh good, keep doing that, thank you. Uh-huh, you want me to jack off? I'll get another pint and a half. Just move it in. The Army always had blood draw, you know, days where you could volunteer to go and uh...

That's it, I would... Oh I can't. We would do it just so that we could get way fucked up that night. Yeah, yeah, take it out. So you'd go out and drop blood and then go back and start drinking and go out and fucking hammer it. Replace it with alcohol. Yeah. I get a massage once on the road and...

That was me. No, it's earlier than you. No, that was Roadhead. This one had a happy ending. It was Thief of the Falls, because it matches another story. I must have, they must have had a deal or something, because I wasn't in any kind of financial shape

to afford a massage. So they must have had a deal in the hotel or something, where I treated myself, because I lived on the road. This is Thief River Falls, the story where I brought the girl up to my room, and I just laid it out downstairs after the show. She goes, oh, if you come up to my room, it's just to have sex. I just want to put that out there. That's, like, I'm not, and she's like, exactly, that's right. And it's in a fucking dancey club, you know, comedy club turns into dance club on the road in those days and she's got the hat and the things and the glasses and the stuff and all the accoutrements that hide

what she really looks like. And so I'd already laid down the fucking law and I'm hammered because I had gotten a massage and like all of a sudden I guess your blood is fucking, like I drank what I drank all the time, but I was like, oh fuck, right after a massage, this is. Oh yeah, yeah, you did. And that's the girl that took off her clothes and her body just spilled out like it was. Oh no.

Made of gravy. And she had the tattoo, it was a homemade tattoo on her arm that said, I heart guys. Oh. Like a child did it. And I go. tattoo on her arm that said, I heart guys. Like a child did it. And it's, I already feel guys coming up there. It's to buck. And so I can't go, Oh, I'm not in the mood.

You have nothing. So how was it? Was it good? I said how, uh, I go, I love guys. She's like, shut up. I was 17 so you had that many years to cover that up. You had 30 years to cover that stink. My story like that in Alaska when I was young and I was at the bar and I was all fucked up in this native chick in Alaska she was beefy and I thought maybe she wanted to fight at first but she kept buying me tequila Sunrises the whole time we were there.

Pretty soon I took her back to the barracks and I gave it zero thought as to what I was gonna do with this female until the door closed shut and I was like oh shit and then she saved the day because she said can I suck it and I was like oh yeah but then I was so drunk that I forgot that that's what was happening so I just started fucking her head like she didn't need to breathe and just never even remembered until I was like oh shit but then she was still alive when I was done And then I just put her out and called the cab and that is maybe the worst fucking thing I've ever done Do you remember her name?

I don't think I knew it Remember it. I never knew it. I never learned it shit I wouldn't couldn't tell you. I only saw the top of her head. She got one the next day. I mean, there could be. It looked like a mushroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I keep picturing her with a feather in her hat. You know, like in third grade. I'm sorry, but it might be a little racist, but I keep picturing a big 240 pound lady with a paper feather coming off her head. Like during Thanksgiving I am a big Indian woman. Imagine I knocked it loose and you would never find that feather again because I knocked it completely out of the picture. You could de-feather me. Oh, it was horrible. What an asshole. Oh, it was nice of you. I called a cab.

I paid for cab. We weren't, you know. We might have a deeper bet. Oh my God. If there was a Rolodex immediately available in your head of all the best cab rides you've paid for that you weren't in, I can remember a few enough

Yeah That in the in the argument of you know Ubers cab drivers hate ubers well you know what cab drivers saved my my fucking life more often because by the time uber came around I wasn't really You know making dangerous decisions. But back when you had to call a yellow cab, yeah, you get her. Get her. You should better not throw up in my cab.

I know she won't throw up. I promise. Where's she going here? Where will that get her? I have $14. That is I don't know how much of an urban legend it is, but I'm gonna give you a $14. I have $14. That is uh I don't know how much of an urban legend it is but I'll I'll out

the guy that told me is is uh is a comic in Minneapolis. Dave Morton. I'm not gonna out him. Nobody knows who he is. If he's even doing comedy. Why would I say? He uh was saying like uh you know I'm a grandfather now. And he was like, yeah, maybe like, I don't know. He was old then, but not old. Like maybe 45, 50.

It's white. Alex Cole is. I just said it. Okay. And he's in the green room in Minneapolis and he's saying like, I'm like, I'm the world's youngest grandpa and I'm doing this whole thing now. And that's like, I'm a I'm the world's youngest grandpa and I'm doing this whole thing now and that's like I'm a grandpa act and and then As the conversation goes he tells me a story that has nothing we're off to real comic conversation

And he says oh well when I start now that's one time was in Chicago And when me and my buddy are playing there and we're fucked up and it's last call and we're trying to fucking score some pussy And there's this one girl is really drunk And we go as we get her to go home with us or go where they were sleeping in their van and So they got her to come back to the van with them and they both fucked her They passed out and they woke up in the morning Sober hung over but she's still shit faced and they realize she's not

drunk at all oh no she's retarded oh and now they go into a full panic I think I know what do we do with the story is remorse possible yeah and they're like scrambling they're not from there. They just did a gig. Now they gotta get out of town and they don't know what to do. And the end of the story is, they said they dropped her off on a corner in Little Italy cause she kinda looked Italian.

Oh my God. Now I don't know if that's just like an urban legend that he stole. I'm like, why don't you do that on stage? And he goes, I can't, I do this whole I'm the sweet young grandpa thing now. And I'm like, you gotta fucking tell that story. But when I've told that story over the years,

I've heard other people say, I've heard versions of that story. That's like the catfish as big as a Volkswagen story. Yeah. So who knows if it's true, but it's like, let me ask you a question. Yeah. Fuck you. Who knows if it's true. It's such a great story. Yeah.

Oh, Jesus. I think of the country artist, I think it was No Show Jones. He's always disappear and he picked up a hitchhiker and he was going to say, where are you going? And the guy goes, Fort Myers. He thought he said four miles. This is a story. And he kept saying stop, he go four miles and he go, okay. And he goes, no, I you go four miles and go okay, and he got no I'm going full miles

I think he drove him to Fort Myers four miles at a time was the story that's that's a very popular of a racist joke up in a probably picks up an Inuit hitchhiking and in Inuit hitchhiking and she's giving him a hand job for the ride and he's going you're very passionate you're passionate you're passionate he goes oh thank you very much he goes no the liquor store you're passionate when I was stationed up in Fairbanks, Alaska, the joke was, what's a mile long and has three

teeth? The liquor store on Two Street, which was the native liquor store. The native lady walked into the liquor store with her tits hanging out. The guy goes, you can't be in here with your tit hanging out. She looks down and goes, oh no, I must have left my baby at bingo. Oh god. It also works with bingo.

I like that she sounded Canadian. Yeah, whenever I try to do an accent, it's not the right one. Yeah, you're doing one and the other. I can't. I used to be able to have that skill. No, you never do. That's funnier than that's funny. What do you mean, sir? I do not waste you wrong. Exactly. You do have more racist accent, but you're actually trying to do a different one. Yeah. Like if Australia was a some kind of oppressed race, and Bingo did her, do your Australian accent. Ah, Craigie. Go ahead.

Put the barbecue some, oh, put some paschetti on the barbie? See, that wouldn't be offensive at all. No, so offensive. No, because I don't even know what that is junior that's offensive you sound like the South African man I grew up Italian man you sound exactly like her I forgot the hell oh shit you're talking about oh what the fuck is the name of that

the only way that could be more racist is if you did it in blackface I know people who eat spaghetti The only way that could be more racist is if you did it in blackface. I know people who eat spaghetti and they don't put it on their grill, man. I don't even know who you're making fun of, a child, a slow child. Put some basquetti on the bun. Diantward. Diantward is the band. Diantward, yeah.

You know what? I get this stupid email. Now you know Antwoord is the band Antwoord. Yeah Stipid email, you know what you guys should tour together as you and fucking you know Hank Williams the third like you would get that email you guys and fucking But I got one when I was when we were going to South Africa. Yeah, just for vacation and fun. Oh you should hook up with Die Ant Word. And I've never heard of them. But at that time, like, okay, yeah, I've met the Matt Toyd and all these people. So maybe it's just some cool guys, the people that are fans. So I looked them up and then I probably sent them like, get back down out of his Facebook or Twitter or something,

going, hey, we're coming down there, wanna fucking hook up, and no, they didn't. They didn't respond. Oh, and these are supposedly the toughest people in America. Well, then I found out that he was kind of famous and stuff, and it was just one of those, these guys, I thought it was someone who knew both of them,

both of us. You're just weird enough to become semi-famous as well. We hate the movie Chappie. A horrible movie. I've never seen it. They were in that movie. The band was in that movie. The robot thing? Yeah, it was like a Wigger version of District 9. Dang.

You ever watched it? No. I don't know how to describe it. I think that's how you describe it. District 9 was fucking brilliant. I'm not a describe it. I think that's how you describe I love this. Yeah, dude that friggin of Steve Buscemi South African actor. It was great. Uh-huh Steve Buscemi with dental work. Oh I didn't have anything to say. I was wondering like if should wrap up. I was just taking a break. I set down my mic for a minute.

I'm afraid that the break is going to be funnier than the podcast. I don't know if we should just take a break that's still on the podcast. Well, one of them is missing. I've got a couple of gifts. Well, I'll find the other one. Hopefully he's got a GoPro somewhere that at least is catching the sunrise Cuz if he's just if he's doing an ambient version of this where you just hear it's kind of chattering and mumbling Pretty good

It just looked at whatever he had from the beginning Yeah, that's what he did with the other thing and the only I would watch Someone else's version of that like the only thing that bothers me is I hear, I always thought it was your voice. So someone else with a fucking deep voice, but I could definitely hear my voice, even though you can't make out the words. If you guys listening are on Patreon,

it's the fucking, it's not a call to screensaver, it's just an ambient six hour, filmed from the outside of the fun house at night, where you can hear the poker party going on inside. But you can't really make out the words, but you can make out, let's just say it's Chad Shank, cause I thought it was forever. See, just lie.

Sure, if it's better for marketing purposes. But like John Sinnott comes out at some point. What'd you get? Yeah, yeah, it says ages four. Are you fourty-four? I guess we're gonna wrap this up. There's Christmas in July, gifts are coming out, crosstalk, goggles. But they're not actual visual goggles.

Kaleidoscope goggles. Yeah. I thought it might be redundant that you're looking through a kaleidoscope. I'll just show you what you are. Oh Andy, these are awesome. I didn't even steal those, Bingo. I paid cash money. I think the mount's on the back. Andy's looking for reimbursement. I didn't steal those, Bingo. I paid cash money. I think the amount's on the back. Andy's looking for reimbursement. You want to read any ads?

I think it was only $1,000. Hey, guys. I went to the True Leave dispensary in Sierra Vista yesterday. And those cocksuckers sold me a bunch of weed with a bunch of seeds in it. It was disgusting. I knew it was. But I me a bunch of weed with a bunch of seeds in it. It was disgusting I knew and then but I got a hold of them and I told them do you want me to post this picture on my review?

I love it or what and they're like no no come in and we'll give you another You know give you another thing of weed and then I did that and then today I went to the bizbee Dispensary story asked the lady three times. That's the name story story Yeah, make sure I get it right for this fucking plug because I asked her three times. They were out of leavers joints I just needed a few joint infused joints to smoke here with Andy and they're out of leavers, but I see Well, you have these stizzies. They're purple. I said those aren't flavored. Are they no not flavored. Okay, they're not flavored I can't deal with flavor. No, they're not flavored. They're purple. I said, those aren't flavored, are they? No, not flavored. Okay, they're not flavored. I can't deal with flavor. No, they're not flavored.

They're just, get them here. Smells like somebody opened a goddamn container of grape Kool-Aid. I fucking called them back and told them, and they were like, yeah, basically, fuck you, dude. You're fucked, so fuck story. We'd like to help you. There's a bunch of cocksuckers.

They were like, well, he got the manager. He's carrying me. Here's my story. He got to the. She's the time. Well, he got the manager. Here's my story He got to the can't your business is over. Yeah, you're done. You sold your last dope You sold your last open this community I started JC pennies here As many ads and co-ads did the problem that you probably ran into with Story is, Bisbee, when people say, oh, Americans want to work, and they can't find jobs, no, they don't.

Not in my life. Not in the last 20 years I've lived there. Yeah, I bet everyone that works there is their first first day because they don't make it to the third day That's what I'd guess but I would guess that too. Yes. I think if we went in there tomorrow and I go Hey, what's with the grape Kool-Aid you're selling my fucking buddy. They would call the fucking Bing hey back room come out here. Sorry. Here's I specifically asked him if I would get like, you know Can I get like a credit? I mean, I have to throw these away

because they'll make me throw up because I don't, you know, I can't smoke these. Nope, that's it. I just have to eat it. Yup. I was the worst. That, that, like that. It's like, she started with the,

there's nothing we can do. Blatant. Let's go in. Blatant. Go in with cameras. No, you can't do that. Hey, hey, stories in Bisbee. How about we show up with a little group I call

Antifa? And what are you gonna do? We go, we get, a pro-tifa and an-tifa. We go, we go purple faced to make a point that we don't like smoking grape weed. That's right. And I also know a lady named Antifa.

Man, man, I don't like this grape shit you told me, bro. She don't talk like that. No, I mean that's just- She's got grape Kool-Aid, what does Antifa got? I mean the purple paint's driving my face, so I'm talking a little tighter. Like, ah man, this shit is tight on my skin. Oh, you should walk into that store tomorrow

and go, got any grapes five times? I fucking- And then? Huh? I hate those motherfuckers. I'm already angry. So what about lunchbox out in, Sonoma? I love lunchbox A line always the first one there and the only one to be dealt with I think 400 people live in that town Go ahead bingo. What did the green grapes say to the purple grape? What is a green grape? Breathe, damn it, breathe.

Are you supposed to be talking out of school about what, that's a private conversation between two grapes. Hey man, that's a person. You were talking about grapes. I told you my family's. I know two grapes that thought that was private and now you're putting it out to the fucking world.

Sorry, sorry. Have you ever heard about the medical privacy act? Man, I'm talking. So one grape talks about the Medical Privacy Act? Men are talking. So one grape talks to another grape who had to sign an NDA. No. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, exactly, because that grape is keeping his mouth fucking shut.

The context of you guys saying grape repeatedly cracks me up, because I've burned up all of the forensic files and whatever other murder documentaries that they have. And I've started watching things on YouTube that are murder documentaries. Me too. But they don't say the word rape. When they're describing horrific and horrible rape, they won't say the word rape, so they say the word grape. Really? No.

Shut your fucking hole. It is the fucking most hilarious thing. I Ever forced a woman to eat grapes, yeah, I need someone that's been through the whole downfall of YouTube. That's like, not an influencer, but just like, I guess Shane Gillis or fucking Sam Talent, someone who's been involved with the whole financing, what do you call it, monetizing.

Is she Suzanne? Yeah, you're talking to two losers. But do you know how it works? We only know how it could have worked. We know that it didn't work. Yeah, we basically had it on the crusp of working, and then we took all of our audience and shot them in the head. He does that a lot.

Let me tell you something, I know how the business works. It's you going, agreeing with a guy named Mr. Epstein on an island lady. Yeah, yeah. You know, when I first decided to do a comedy special, they offered me kids on an island. I was like, no, man. That's not how I want to do no special.

But I, like, I've got my, I had something taken down. There they are. Where was it where oh yeah they're done with their only we were just wrapping up our speculating if you were doing an only fat so I said Australian rules football is basically flag football with homosexuals they said it's like soccer they said it's like soccer uh... i forget what i was saying abstain was in the snow and you tube uh... no i was posting something always about

plane marys it was on fucking reddit of all places which i thought was a little more free than other things but uh... i said i can't believe we're playing may reese club mary's titty bar is the only titty bar I would go to in my adult life ever, because it was a corner bar that happened to have titties, and it was women run,

and it was just like the smallest bar, and the girls would be on stage. There's usually no more than two, three on a busy night of the girls, and they'd have to play their own songs on the jukebox and they all are like tatted up Portland fucking heroin chic suicide girls and I wrote this whole thing up there I can't believe I'm playing the place that I spent my fucking my formative years Andy and I just sitting in Mary's after a show in fucking Portland

It's just a fucking regular dive bar But if you want to see a vagina you look up there and then you go back Yeah, the vagina seemed to be a sideshow, you know, like the bar was the attraction Basketball machines throw hoops or you know, would you like to know, you know our hang on Let me get to the end of the point is that post get taken off reddit because I said suicide girls oh you just said the word and then someone who knows how it works says no you have to say unlived Oh yeah, unalive. Unalive. You can't say suicide anymore.

Is that fucking for real right now? We only know the YouTube. And robots are the ones that take it down. What the fuck? AI will search for the word suicide. All my old shit is down. Even if I try to type the word suicide, it will not show up in my like suggested words wow all my past stuff about Derek is down then?

um on what? if he uses a horrible s-word? probably not Facebook ok see I don't youtube yeah oh ok I see where the young people today comics

the youth where the young people today comics and have a serious problem and issues and yell about this on podcasts and but I don't I don't care well they'll all be dead by in five years of a climate problems this is the problem this is what scares me is I'm not gonna be be dead. And I'm going to be one of those comics that actually quits drinking and becomes like more like, Oh yeah, he was a fuck up. But now he's one of the smartest guys. And he's 85. You're yelling out.

Sometimes this is one of my biggest dilemmas in life. You're going to sink in the mud unless you put your weight up on top. Even worse, one of those guys, he's still doing stand up and he's 90. This world where I mean, I have to know what's going on in order to know what everybody's talking about but I've been isolating myself more and more and it's I just don't know what the fuck there's a fine line between I don't get any of being blissfully unaware and not knowing when to rob your neighbors of their water. Yeah, but I think I think I think it's very important that we do this and not know what's going on because.

Sorry, I'm late on that. What when people here, people on a patio fucking off and not. Yeah, what what what was really a big thing in the news? They didn't even mention it because they didn't even care. Yeah, they're just having fun and having fucking beers on a patio. They'll be the first to go. And they're not they're not talking about current events, you know. Oblivious to current events. Yeah.

I think that's the most important thing. The thing I like about current events is they're always current. If you get caught up in goddamn current events, which I understand is very easy, walk out your front door or your back door, whichever is more comfortable. I get why they do it.

And take a goddamn giant breath and look up at the sky and realize that that is not right there. You get the most money out of current topics. That's where I get my goddamn dilemma because I'm supposed to be a content provider. But you're not content though. And my level of contentness revolves around not knowing what everybody else knows. And I think it might be time for me to disappear again. No, no, no, no. Maybe I need to sell that hook to a preacher.

That's the best advice I can ever give to anyone doing comedy is enjoy yourself. Because if you're truly enjoying yourself People will follow that because they don't have that so if if you're really having fun doing what you're doing up there People will generally jump on board Even if you're terrible, they'll go. Oh He's terrible, but I wish I was that blissfully unaware He's terrible, but I wish I was genuinely fully unaware Love you like a Kevin Meany kind of a guy right we're big pants guys

Yeah, I know what you mean I love Kevin me Social media all this all this tension and stuff from being on the podcast with you Nobody ever says mean shit to me like they do online. If they did, I would have already deleted online. I don't go there much anymore. A lot of them are just crazy people just going, oh, and then real life, I love you. They might be afraid the stand-up will send me to their place if they know that I can't afford

to go there. Now when they hear about our Canuck enforcer. Yeah, oh yeah. My bodyguard, what if Chad turns on us? That was a good movie. Some guy, he emailed me yesterday, I wish I didn't want to talk about him without knowing his name, but I think it's, I think it's Brian with a Y. How about that Mr. Alberta? When we were last at Skankfest, and we're doing the parade,

and this giant six foot eight, 345 pound fucking ex-kickboxer MMA fucking fighter, I'd only learned that from the email yesterday. At the time, he's just a fan, and he's like, I'll get you through. I just got behind him, and he just plowed through. Mr. Saddam's coming through. And he emailed me yesterday and it was very beautiful cuz he said, hey,

have you remember me? And I'm like, yeah, I kinda remember that. He goes, I wanna go on the road with you, very sweet. And do security for you. I used to have a security company seven years ago, or for seven years, but then I got in a car accident and I was all fucked and I lost all my business, but I'd love to go on the road and be your security guy.

And I love that you think that I have a level of celebrity that I don't have, but yeah yeah one time I remember where we had to we went to a TGI Fridays because I didn't really want to run into any fans at the other bar that was near the venue and I go my fans won't be at a TGI Fridays and a couple of them were and they said hi from across the bar so if I need a kickbox to settle that score, I'm the problem. Thank God it's Friday but not here because these guys are pestering me. Take their face off. I told them, I said, listen, in fact, if you were on the road as my security, it would

make things worse because then I'd want to pick fights because I could. That was what you told me early on. You're like, I don't know, it's dangerous to hang make things worse because then I'd want to pick fights because I could. That was what you told me early on. You're like, I don't know. It's dangerous to hang out because I'll mouth off more than I normally do. Yeah, it's true. Uh, I had, you know, what's funny is that I somehow became, I started off when I went with you, don't be security. And I'm like, I'm not going to be security, but I definitely feel like that.

People would say it to you. Oh you had a bodyguard now? And it was but it definitely became that I acted in that role several times and accidentally like oh fuck I'm glad I'm here because that was necessary but it was uh uh no fuck I just forgot the end. Well it was it was awkward in that you didn't want to be seen as security and drunk people at the merch booth. I remember we were left alone in Flagstaff because Chaley had to bail before the last gig and go somewhere. So we're driving home from Salt Lake, one more gig in Flagstaff, and this is his first time on the road.

And he's like, he's standing beside me at the merch booth and he Like he doesn't know if shit's gonna go down That guy is like don't worry everything's fine, and I take offense to everything You know that's not offensive, so I'm not the guy for the job wait Or what you think might be offensive to me where I know they're just busting my balls like fucking snow Yeah, Mina There was a MTV thing in my college town Ashland, Oregon were some dude won a party MTV party and it was Howard Jones

downtown Julie Brown and a bunch of fucking Mark Goodman and Me and my friend we didn't get invited to my roommate. He's sick. He was he's six four so we both had white jackets Miami vice inspired probably and We we stood at the entrance and then people just started to is it okay if we go out? Or can we come back in and then we just got you know Who are you leaving? We'll take those passes and then we're in and They didn't want us in there MTV wasn't happy with it, but it's amazing how people will defer he just if you're standing in the position

But also if you're physically Imposing they'll go sir. Is it all right if I use the bathroom? Yeah, I'm just a big dude standing out here. Yeah, that's exactly it. I was specifically told don't be security and then I felt like security and all that. I was like, how the fuck can I not do that? As soon as I noticed that people were doing that because my roommate's a big tall dude, then we got in and eventually Julie Brown asked us to leave. Howard Jones

wouldn't perform. We basically ruined the party by them allowing us in. So after I'm told don't, you know, you're not security, I'm taken to a giant ranch in Montana. Craig Williams, I almost forgot. That is an incredibly wealthy type ranch and we go into this badass house around this class yeah I've definitely heard all right all right I'll wait for stand up to get back and help me with this story before we have the night off we had two nights off and we're in Sheridan Wyoming and So we're just on the internet going. Hey, we want to you gonna say his name. I already did

I yelled it when I was I know but I mean Craig Williams. Yeah, but no it was not him. It was someone that knew him. We're like, hey, we want to what's up we need a podcast guest and Someone like like fucked up or crazy a fucking a murderer or drug dealer like whatever like and someone goes oh I think I know a murderer he's a comic named crank Williams and that now I'll go shut the gates now I just wanted to set it so I don't know if you know that I'm in contact with that guy they contacted us for that on a regular basis.

Oh, no shit. Yeah, yeah. I talked to him. We read a lot of books together and we recommend books back and forth. He's a good dude. So, and there's a backstory between what happened to him with that that is interesting. Still in jail? I know he did email me. Still in jail? Yeah, he's a cool dude. I don't know what happened to this guy, but we get to this place and I'm not supposed to be security at all. So that's the most prevalent thing in my mind is don't be security, just be chill. But I always want to fight people. That's my problem.

I'm looking for excuses to be violent 99% of the time. So we get to this place, we sit down around this coffee table, and we start doing a podcast, and this guy just breaks out with a meth pipe and starts smoking meth on the podcast. And he had been. Oh, clearly.

It wasn't his first puff of the day. I hated him from the instant I saw him. I wanted to be, oh, I guess that's the part I should say before that is, as soon as we got there, I wanted to fight this guy. I did not like him, I didn't trust him. And then they started talking a language that we didn't understand and pecker would and this and that. Well I was letting him, I know I understood his where he came from and that I didn't really respect him. It was different for sure. It was a white trash kind of a meeting of the minds.

But he took us out shooting his guns and he got mad. I refused to handle his guns. I told him, I'm not touching your fucking guns. And he got mad at me. That's gotta be offensive to a redneck guy. Like you won't touch my, you won't even touch my gun? Come on. You think I want my fingerprints

on this douchebag's fucking gun? Good point, yeah. Yeah, and he's probably doing, he's like trying to establish an alibi. Well, he was very offended. Anyway, it was the toughest thing I ever fucking went through in my life was to not beat the fuck out of this guy.

Okay, our toughest thing was him saying that he was one of the greatest comics in the world and then saying like bits that didn't make any sense or were stupid or like, and saying that he was acting like he was a known entity, but a famous, yeah, like I'm the fucking best comic. He had a following on Facebook, but it was mostly posting offensive memes. Yeah, but a following, not like a major comics following. But enough to make your ego be weird at that point, because, you know, I'm not

saying it. Yeah, it does feel like he was part. He he that was a flag. He flew was I'm this guy on Facebook and you know, that's how I noticed him is like, you know, all these, oh, everybody's out doing this fucking, you know, fuck these guys. And it's like, well, it's like an outlaw. He's an outlaw on Facebook. But it was also I get I get I get I get I get point to a finger in the direction on like, he's like. Yeah, it's off the table.

There's too much. See, that was so reminiscent to the Montana thing to me when I thought about it. When you brought it up, I was like, I don't want to be in a position where I really want to murder a guy, but I also have to be diplomatic because my friends are trying to provide content. Yeah, I also don't want to fucking.

Well, Netflix loves murder. Well, I don't love murder. I love solitude and not solitary confinement. The thing is, you're the biggest guy here, so that would have to be Bingo Bee Security. I don't care about that. Yeah, but not once. Yeah.

Yeah, I wish security was little people. It's like, you know, I mean, it's up to you to treat them with dignity or whatever. And it's like, yeah, you know, listen, little person. That's why that's why I have small, small women as my security that are shorter than me. I was just helping my brother, Larry. Trump's my brother. Larry's got a little fucking loser dog that he got because he's an asshole and this dog bit me and I was like I'm going to kick you in your fucking butt. It's also a blind dog so a blind dog bit me.

It's a small dog and I said I'll kick your fucking face if you do that again and that's what I'd like from security that you have a fighting chance. Like okay I'll leave this bar but we're going to fucking go at it, and it's not gonna be lopsided That's what's wrong with the bouncer. It's like they Make it even you know if you if you beat up the bouncer you get to come back and do a shot Yeah, that would be the worst to have like that your six foot eight fucking Alberta fucking oil field fucking kickboxer security guy that you actually did decide to pay

even though you can't really afford it. And then the first time there's an altercation, he gets knocked out. Yeah. Like imagine that, like you're my bodyguard. And I'm like, fuck you. You know what, you're gonna deal with him if you deal with him and then you get knocked out and one then I have to go

Can I get a ride? I had this Possibility every single time I had a guy in this Boise, Idaho And I was I had worked there and this was you know When I wasn't working there But Brian the manager said this guy keeps calling him and he's saying he's gonna kick my wanting to know when I'm coming back into town and he's gonna kick my ass Fanny yeah I get demonetized and I also called this guy from a comment card and insulted his whole family and ruined everything you know this guy was

gloss over the good parts Called him from a comment card I just gotta call him everything you know this guy was gloss over the good part sir I have a rebuttal this was included in the same when Brian said I murdered Nicole he said he said I left a message on his machine and his whole family heard it I'm thinking this guy's at dinner going oh is there a message on the machine no it's a sin the guy. It was insulting now. He's insulting me So this guy said he's gonna kick my ass When I come back to town and he was trying to you know, he's like like I had a mailing list

It's got training At the time I had access to my brother's retarded crew. Be sure to email me for your kick my ass lesson. In your time you can kick my ass. Take out your email down after this show. Kickmyass at gmail.com. Yeah. Would you kick my face too?

Put it on your Microsoft calendar to meet me by the bike rack. And so this guy had a legit beef. I insulted him in front of his family, ruined his night. He was at a show and that was didn't go well. And that's why he was calling up to follow up. And then I, and then I sent a hateful message back to him. And apparently his answering machine played it all out and his family all heard it. I thought I talked to my brother about the man baby who was a he was an 85 pound retard. I think that's the problem.

Don't monkey with another monkey monkey. The man baby and my brother would that's a quote. Don't monkey with another man's monkey. I want to talk about no monkey. He call he would call me from his brothers. Uh uh uh special needs fan. He would put yeah the man baby he would

put him on the phone and he would tell me not to monkey with another monkey monkey. He was he uh so this was his origin story. Uh his old man raped him and his they weren't twins but they're both retarded about a year apart in the litters to two underweight brothers that both look like fucking slack job Vietnamese torture victims and uh and the old man raped them both Clinton Bob

you know I don't know it's the same time. Hang on, wait. If he had a monogatouis. Yeah, whoa. What luck. If you were a pedophile that's into special needs, developmentally disabled children that are your own, and you have not one, but two in a row. That is pretty rare. It's one in a billion. That's a guy that's at the bar going, monogamy is not a natural state

If you have a timer that could be a thing you could pull out of this like conversation right now To get a clip that we could provide to people that would go okay Yes, the man, baby. Yeah, so the man actually anyway Yeah, okay, so I'm trying to cliff and Bob No Clint Clint and Bob Clinton Bob one of the saddest things okay? Well they the mother was seemed to be retarded or insane but they had a One of the saddest things okay, well they the mother was seemed to be retarded or insane but they had a

Track she there was a track somebody probably built so their chihuahua Which she fed pills like the dog was on I forget it was a bar bitch with her some fucking Fucking drop pills and the dog would eat it And I don't even know if the dog had balance problems or a drug problem the dog would go up and fucking sideways walk up this ramp and then Fell over on the couch and then it had there was sock bags of peanut Fucking peanut M&Ms I couldn't take that room. So Bob goes he wanted to show me his room and he had so many fucking squirt guns laid out like a real gun that would have guns laid out all these squirt

guns and then there was a collage of pictures of Bob. Like how painful could that are? Is this your brother? No my brother was a, took care, Bob worked for my brother in the recycling business. Andy, can I assume this will all be in the podcast, I mean in the documentary that's never coming out because all of this is fucking documentary gold. But anyway, my brother got, I got to be a retard for a day. I was like, that's a great gift.

Okay, so the squirt guns and then. So squirt guns, but I look at a claw. I mean, to me, it was the saddest and funniest thing I've ever seen is a collage of a retarded adult and all the different, like, ee, there he is. Oh, he must've been about nine there.

There he is at 11. And it's like, oh fuck. Oh my God. He's at 20, now he's at twenty-three and he's still living at home. Uh that's one of my uh most quoted uh uh quotable uh bits I quote of yours the most as you're lying about. That's one thing they never see. Lots of pictures. Yeah. The parents of this one thing you never say to the

parents of a retarded kid is, yeah, take a lot of pictures, they grow up quick. Yeah, that collage was the inspiration of it, because I saw this guy. Not agent. But the origin story was Bob wasn't good enough. Oh, the old man. Hang on, hang on, quickly, because if I don't, someone doesn't write this down I'll forget We're talking about doing the tours doing bit of stand-up live podcasts table dancing

But that would be Andy and I are doing each other's old bits. All right Have to do and we let the fans. I told her I was gonna fuck her in the tit. Like, put it to a poll. However, let the fans decide what bit he has to do, what bit do I have to do. I love this idea. We've done it. We've actually, we've test marketed this over the years.

Well, yeah, we fucked around with it, but it was never like a thing That's the that's the gimmick and fucking fucking love it or Chad chase out killing things that we have a guest you can choose to pick a bit of either of ours or someone else Stolen bits now we steal from each other and our guests can steal from dino right okay so the man baby and his brother both rape victims and then one day at breakfast the old man decides hang on hang on he allegedly right rape victims yeah yeah no all this is coming from two unreliable witnesses and a drug addled other witness. Yeah.

But I mean, the information. The husband and wife law team live right here in southern Arizona and we don't need problems. I guess if you're raping your own children, you'll hit a wall. And maybe if you're Menendez boys or whatever, they're not retarded, you can go a little longer. But this guy hit a wall at breakfast and he shot himself in the head at breakfast with the family sitting down. And eventually the cops came a few minutes later.

The dad? Yeah, the old man, he killed himself. He wasn't a good genetic seed spreader anyway. So he shot himself and then a cop came in and the man baby, Bob Gibson, he puts his hat on him and says, I'm making you a deputy. And it sunk into his oversized head. And from that point on, he had all these weird cop fantasies where he was tell these stories and then I would just say you're out of

you you're out of you're out of control canahan I'm taking your badge go fuck and I threw a dog on it wait you're chasing a victim you threw a dog on it he would do that kind of shit It was like improv with the greatest fucking weirdo. What the fuck? Yeah. How was the news? On the work truck. Was that the name? Yeah, it was a lot like, yeah. How was the news? On the news, but if they just chose the real, and my brother David's crew was dirty fingernails, creepy fuckers, you know, you

have to, oh, that's not appropriate to talk about Bob. I'm giving fuck Dave He was a very had to be rotten teeth 80 pounds be really fun to see cuz you know all this fucked up foster care here Foster foster retardant foster. No. No just like all the people they can get these and they do foster care No, no, just like all the people that can get these and they do foster care for the money. All right, the more foster kids. That would be a very funny hidden camera prank. Just watching child neglect in slow motion.

No, no, to go in and apply to be a foster parent and just be the most obviously cruel Just thinking from the other yes is get a bunch of to hire some workers and children I mean foster. Stanhope just made me feel really a lot better about myself. Stanhope was the victimized children for a part. I don't think you look retarded. I was just saying that... Cross talk has happened. I think we're gonna have to... The better way to do it would be to hire a bunch of people, adults who look like retarded youngsters and juniors already volunteered to be wonderful

i don't know express it might be too tall mentally i look at so it's going to be it's about when i was a really retarded guy for a day i just let them create three i didn't come in and go my my my your third anything but i just was a blank slate so they got my some of them are i think i got most of you let them make you retarded They made me retarded. I just I was silent Bob retarded my proc. All I did was my house a little askew Yeah, you have a small hat and it's doesn't fit and I just look at stuff and that all I did all the other guys They covered the verbal stuff or whatever

But I was like man, you know, I felt like I was the best-looking. I think we should do this Why don't you say nothing anything with your mouth I just like that Andy's first foray into comedy is to working with some special children. No, it wasn't my first foray boat There's never there like man, everybody looks at an adult and they're like, what are you doing? What do you do for a living, sir? And when you're a retard, nobody asks you what you do for a living, you're just in the moment.

Andy, please tell Junior the story of your first foray with special children. Okay, I got kicked out of a lot of electives. I like to wander around. Spanish too. I was a photographer in annual staff and I got dismissed by that job. I didn't know I was dismissed, but the teacher of that class had me down there with the vice principal. They dismissed me. I'm no longer taking pictures because I was down in the girls gym hanging out

shooting hoops. That's all I was doing, shooting hoops. And they go, but I had a lot of electives remove me. So eventually you, you know, it's like animal house where they're like jug dish and Oh, Muhammad in the corner. You jug head. I, uh, I got, I got put in the outer building, the high school's up here, wood shops over here, metal shops over here. That's the edge of the wall. You weren't suspended, you were dismissed and they sent you... No, they just... no other... I couldn't get any other classes that took me. I had to join the BOAG, which is FAA, Future... wait, whatever.

Future Farmers of America. I got it. That was my class It was all these farm kids and me and then right next to us was the Down syndrome, I don't know what they called them back then the ups with down The tiny ear the little room. Yeah the taped ears down syndrome, so I'm over here And I don't want to go in there. I don't want to learn about going there Yeah, the taped ears. All the Down syndrome. So I'm over here. I don't want to learn about farming. No, I'm just saying.

With a bear suit and fight for your life. Superhuman strength, a couple of them. There's a guy. The weight room was amazing. There's a guy who would lock himself in toilets often and then rip the, you know, so we had, they weren't just all handicaps we had it was it was basically like the Avengers one anyway my teacher in Bo Bo ag we had he went to NAMM and things didn't go that well

there from what I gathered he'd have problems he didn't like Vietnam and they would say sometimes he needs to turn the lights out and he has flashbacks. Okay, that's fine. You know, a lot of times when he had flashbacks, I would just leave the class and go home. So one day though, It's not ditchin' if he's in Vietnam. So one day though, as a thing, we had a farmer come in with pigs, not cops. Half day, woo! Not cops, real piglets. Real piglets and we were gonna, my class, because we were the farmers, we were gonna castrate the pigs.

I never got, there's no handouts about any of this upcoming we're gonna be neutering a pig today the fuck a farmer and then there's a bunch of squealing pigs in the corner and just to make them the Vietnam vet that teacher he's he wants to turn the lights out but we need to see what we're gonna do with the pigs. And for some other reason, the door opens up and the retard door opens up. It's a garage, so it's a fucking garage door opens up and then in come the retards to witness the pigs

getting neutered. Like the expendable. What? Coming off of it. Exactly, there was one that looked like Stallone, there was a couple of schlanz niggers, there was four bod Damn goddamn

Yeah, I know I fucked that up but so so now The stakes are high. There's a bunch of retarded kids who they don't know what they're they didn't I didn't know what we're doing That day in class as a farmer let alone these retarded kids who come in who I think they're just hoping to see piglets or what. I don't know what they told them, but I'm I'm up first. I want to leave and I go, okay. So so but how you how if you never neutered a piglet, you got a rubber band their balls. You got to, you got to rubber band the balls. It's like, I've never, I've never, at that point, I don't think I'd ever fondled another thing's balls, let alone I'm going to have to remove half of them right here in class.

So I follow the directions, I rubber band it, and then I slice the nut of this pig and the piglet didn't, he didn't want to be there either he let's off the fucking thing I'm not very good I'm you know I'm loosey goosey with the handling of this thing the farmer's not helping and my teacher starts to kind of looks like he's gonna cry he's it's a very you know I've never been toOM, but I imagine it sounds a lot like a lot of retarded people cackling and a pig squealing. The pig, the pig fucking, I lose grip of the pig. It squirts down on the floor half and I think I got, I did do a cut on it. So I was probably a nuts, you know, hanging out.

One nut. Yeah, I didn't finish the job. One nut's cut. Yeah, it looks like a frog without its skin, just his belly and his testicles beaten. The farmer's mad. The retired people are in hysterics. And I didn't, I mean, I didn't, I followed, it's exactly like when I got a shot in first grade, they go, who wants to go first? And I did, and I ruined it for everybody there's no nobody else got to neuter a pig that day and the retarded people probably never did come back under that metal door ever again and and my teacher who had the Vietnam flashbacks disappeared wasn't back for several weeks and then he was no longer a teacher

at the school so I think it was his severance package that was it that was his he went to Vietnam he killed Charlie and years later Pat Noswalt's wife God rest your soul caught him and he was the Golden State killer that is a goddamn best story ever and it is not the one I tried to lead Andy into. Really? Was that wrong? You were going in a different direction. Wow. But I love it Andy. I knew it and I knew that everybody else was in it. He killed for those retarded people by the way. He had a stand in your nation. At some point. This was not Andy's first encounter with these retards. I grew up, I mean basically we grew up together Well, I got to know these guys because in grade school grade school you had Washington grade school you had a line

Fifth graders podcast is gonna be great other road fourth graders and fifth graders could be on this side of the line First and second graders on this side of the line third graders could float So by the time I was a third grader I got recruited to round up occasionally when you have retarded kids on a playground one of them will get squirrely And we mentioned did we mention Logan's run earlier? We got a runner Well, that's what I would hear if mrs. Call would up and say, we got a runner. And then me and some other guys would run the we'd go. It was always Tom. Tom Edwards. Tom do well at that time he just ran. But in middle school people made sport of them and we go do a jig Tom I guess I was part of the making a sport of them because I remember the catcher scene from platoon well maybe

so Tom would do a jig Tom go to a jig Tom and I don't even know if he watched Little House on the Prairie but he would get tips you know, he didn't get tips, you know, but he should have. They should have been a tip jar. Tom's, Tom, everybody, 12 o'clock, Tom's gonna jig. Please bring sing, you know, I could have helped him, you know, but I let him into the career where he was, he was in the cardboard. So the reason my brother worked was retarded people was because they would gather classified documents from places and they felt like it was a safe bet to send in retarded people to get like you know casino receipts or whatever which I think is a great scam. Go and get all the

papers. Nobody'll think we're stealing identities. You barely have your own But yeah, so I was I would round them up bring them back to the to the lady But I mainly though it would give you free range You could just leave the playground you knew I knew where Tom Tom had about three places He would go and they were all dead ends. So you know if you'd find Tom when you wanted Tom we take off go to Safeway get a beverage get some candy and then all right Tom's at the end of that street and he's always bottomed out at Baxter not the street I lived on an extension. You knew I lived there was two parts of Baxter

but Tom he liked the gravel. You know, when you lose a retarded guy, look for gravel. I don't know. They don't like a beaten path. They like to go down the other way. I'm waiting for you to tell me when the story you wanted is over. That's it. I think that was part of it.

Well, there was a story where they all escaped on one day. That you were young. Yeah. There is the one I was fishing for Sam and Bill and Tom's breakout. Yeah. I mean, that's the worst case scenario that nobody could have planned for that we'd have more than one runner. We said this was a, Oh, the, what was the garbage person I call we we did prank phone calls

your refrigerator is running or your cat just we call I call it in the can yeah I did both so I could do Sam and Bill and then Bill was more Bill was I'm like Sam would come over and hang so I invited both of them to stay over at the other guy's house on Friday night So they both brought sleeping bags and we didn't get a payout. Sorry happy The four of us should do prank calls Day drinking prank calls, I'm good. Yeah, we just take turns Yeah, all right, I can do retarded voices.

He's here for a week. He's here till we let him go. Let me know if you need an angry guy. I've been murdering this for the last week. Always a good character. Yeah, you'll be the angry guy for no reason. Find a mark. All right, let's all start thinking about...

I made a customer service lady cry last week on the phone. I was so mean. So I'll make it funny. I thought that was fucking funny. Yeah. Yeah, that's a terrible, terrible thing. I always tell them, listen, I can't call Mr. Walmart. I can't call Mr. fucking DirecTV. So just when I'm yelling at you, pretend you're Mr. DirecTV and then go steal. I definitely did.

I was very empathetic with her. I knew it wasn't her fault, but I made her admit every step. Would you like to have a package of angel? What about this part? This should have happened, but this didn't. Is that my fault? No, sir. That's our fault.

OK, then what about then this happened? Whose fault is that? That's us, sir. I go, all right, well, you guys should be just clicking credits on my grandma's account right now is all you should be doing. She shouldn't have a fucking bill forever because you guys fucked up so bad. No I know that sir I agree with you I'm sorry. Alright do you guys have a loyalty department? Let me talk to your loyalty department because that's a good phone that's better than

let me talk to your manager. Loyalty department is good and she tells me I am actually the loyalty department. I go, so you're fucking worthless. Does it say worthless right on your name badge? Does it say worthless underneath you? Like you can't help people at all no matter what you do. And right now she's on a podcast of customers that's fucking crushing.

And it's all like ladies that work customer service and oh my god the ass what a little dick he probably had you oh you are the loyalty department I'm like you are you the faggot department bleep that we're not gonna get monetized it's my one anonymous thing I was talking about earlier is I one of the reasons why I'm terrified to go in public is because I will be the guy that gets filmed just irrationally beating the fuck out of somebody for nobody like why did I he didn't leave when the light turned green and like his he was on his phone so he got out and

just ripped him out by his ear and stomped on him. I'd be the other guy I'd be the guy that was filmed rationally yelling at some poor fucking Filipino call center lady who's got a brood of children she can't feed and she's trying to milk her fucking last milk out of her tit but I am so sorry for your inconvenience. Would you please not, would you please stay on the line for a five question survey after the, oh, I don't want to die. And I'm going, fuck you, you fucking... Or at the end of the call when you've berated them for not being able to do anything

and they still have to read, is there anything else I can help you with today? You haven't fucking helped me with one. How dare you ask that fucking question? I know you have to read from a script, but don't you feel like a fucking less of a human because you have to ask a question that you know is fucking stupid because you've not helped me in what I've done. Do you not understand I have to wash my children's clothing and the Ganges, which is full of termites and leeches, and I don't have anything to eat, and we have dysentery for Thanksgiving.

It sounds like you don't immediately start asking for an English operator as soon as you get on. No. Sometimes. Give me somebody who speaks English. Like last time. Give me somebody who speaks English in about three transfers. Send me Stateside.

You'll get, yeah. Send me Stateside. And I did that last night with American Express. It depends on you. So I did that in Vegas when I was having the, when I got drugged or whatever. Yeah. And I was trying, I kept getting through this maddening. Are you? Let me call some talk to somebody else

No, you're worse than the other one. It was like three of them I fucking out and I envy you so much that you're getting drugged story Was like I have I have a little bit of proof of my getting all I got sorry But you have like like cuz after you fire Hennegan, I got a better one. Kind of **** ups but I'm like I cop to all my **** things but when you said, yeah, I got drugged. I'm like, alright, it's Andy is a is he do we have to play fast and loose with the facts and then you've found like, oh wait,

a national news story about a lady who drugs people when you already had the fucking, I got fucking drugged in Austin and people are, Stan Hobson, he's just an alcoholic and he had taken an edible. He had, hours and hours before, I had nothing to drink. That's one of the things I thought like, that's horrible. Hours and hours before, I had nothing to drink. That's one of the things I thought about, the aging part of it. I went from being a potential John to being a Mark.

And I don't know when that happened. I was like staggering around and they're like, Oh, I'll fuck that guy out of his money without even touching his dick. I started out as a Mark. Who's talking about this with me today? But hookers were that's Michael being yesterday. Yeah, where you go. Okay, I Thought hookers liked me cuz yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, I know I still do I still I mean it's hard to go. Well, they said I was very handsome they weren't lying, but Yeah, so feed the ego feeds still there. I won't mention the name, but the night I was in Vegas at your show and I went looking

for a situation and I ended up down on Fremont and a lot of black women came up and told me how handsome I was and then they all wanted money. It was a hooker situation, but I still think I look good that night. Cause like five different hookers came up and said, I told me the same thing. You were with us when Hinty went to that whore house in Costa Rica. Oh yeah. They found the really, uh, and with all due respect, one of the, it was when we met him early,

he was one of the nicest men. And that's why he became part of the crew, but one of the dog-dick ugliest people you've ever seen. A weird ego emerged out of his head. The point is, hookers in Costa Rica were telling him he was attractive, and he was the last part of physically attractive what is considered that so yeah they were I think they were lying

I found well I a Colombian hooker I guess a young woman came in she was beautiful and then I was like I mean every other woman in that bar was roughed up looking like a hooker this one comes in young and And I ended up purchasing her and and having a party Upstairs and so we came down from the party and then hinty comes up goes Where'd she go and he wanted to violate the hook this beautiful woman that I just you know I laid it violated. He wanted to make love to her for money, and then I I don't I didn't speak her language or whatever But I said a friend my mucho fat fucking

She took off out of the place oh man, it's the rain season There's when you shoot your elk you There's one you shoot your elk. Mobile green room in place. Here come the monsoons people. Zip in though. This is a rare podcast rain out. No, not yet. There's no wind.

If there is wind, this would be a problem. That's not a knife. Oh, I figured it. We didn't want to yell. That's not a stone. Well, I figured it. We didn't want to yell. That's not a stone. Well She didn't even recognize There he goes, what is it Hey, I tried to do an Australian character

so I was trying to I kept going back to the same corporate thing and and And so I have to disguise my look because I'm trying to win three shoes and you can only do it once a day. And I got the bucket hat and I bought a mustache at Hirons and so I was trying to go, aww, let me try on them shoes. The Australian did not win shoes. Hey I didn't pay for a urinal seat. In the wink of a young boy's eyes. You know glory holes. Come on Clarence take it.. No, not the sacks, my dick.

I don't think them your dick rained on through a piece of trellis is a grove, glory ho. Chad, tell us a story of Murk. He can throw that blood job by ya. Suckin' dick like a fool boy. Oh, that's nice. That's a nice cool offer. That is awesome.

That was beautiful. Yeah, that's like when you take a frying pan and throw it in the dish water. You can smell your joints over here. That smells like rain. I do smell it, but has somebody been burning incense for the last half hour? I can smell an incense.

They got a mosquito thing over here. Yeah. He's got a coil. This is the gayest podcast I've ever participated in. Nobody like fucking what's gay is what is sitting around. Let me see those. You let mosquitoes bite you. That's gay.

You know, every time a mosquito bites you, you could get eight. I don't know. Yeah, you killed half the people in the plan. Probably not an actor, but. I love you. You know that mosquitoes, no.

Homosexuals. Yeah. Shouldn't they call you spread AIDS? Oh yeah, number one spreader of AIDS. Homosexuals. Homosexuals. Yeah, well, I don't want, yeah, the homosexual insects.

Homosexuals. The ones that, hey. I didn't know how AIDS started Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo

Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo

Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo Homo That's no rainstorm. I think that was pretty good. Yeah let's just close it down. Hey yeah the rains are coming in hot and heavy. A lot of people are probably gonna die. We'retenborough's videos if you want to learn more about this rainstorm That's being redone unprecedented send us body bag money life preservers Join our wings. I would say life rafts, but I don't have one dream. I mean a life twitch

Twitch at HDFatty, is that still? HD underscore fatty, yeah. Underscore HD underscore fatty, Harley Davidson HD. We're gonna do this far special no matter what happens with the weather. Junior Stalker, listen, we'll be dead by the time this guy is famous from this DVD. I was gonna stand in the weather. Oh my God, it's really coming down.

Andy and Drew, say goodbye. Derek. I love you guys. All hail Monsoon. Bye bye now.