The Doug Stanhope Podcast - #563 Murder's in the Air

Episode Date: October 17, 2024

Disclaimer: this video contains sounds of Andy rolling his dog Riley's body up in a tarp. Skip from 14:15-14:39 if you don't want to hear any dead dog stuff. Fresh off the heels from euthanizing Riley, Doug and Andy meet up with an ex-con who shares common history with Doug.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

There's a few things that will rope me in immediately on an email where people will say, Hey, I'm a, I'm also a former mass hole, like Massachusetts. I'm going to buddy up with you over there. But I killed my parents. You're definitely and it was weird to sit at the bar and wait like, all right, we don't know what you guys, me and my sister coming in will do your podcast and And then this guy's sitting in the lobby

Like with tattooed heads and things and stuff and you know, like everyone in this lobby looks like they had somebody Yeah, he had a John 316 hat. I said God saves like oh that stuff 316 hat is it God saves like oh that's definitely I'm terrified of that fucker he'd be the one who would stay the so so why and but I knew as soon as you guys came in Hey, you don't have luggage. You're not going alright. This is gonna and I was when you when you're profiling a murderer You come in like a junior sling blade Just like almost a Boy Scout outfit and how old are you now? I'm 26 26 Right prison did good, but you look youthful for prison did me a lot of good. Yeah. Yeah That was a really

I know I don't know. I there's parent.'s no stride, I'm just jumping all around. No, that's what we do. I was a really faggy kid, I mean I was really just fucking, very sheltered. Did you say faggy kid? I was a fucking little, oh I was, yeah, terrible. I was a faggy kid too, and boy did the old men take notice. Well that's another surprising thing, Even my sister's like, wait, it's just how did you not get raped in prison? Like how were you?

Yeah. Ew. And I look, you know, I was even more of a twink back then. I've had discussion with my brothers because like half of us were molested and then half was like, you know, am I better you know? Point us or whatever it is. Yeah yeah I'm sure my brother John he was the best-looking and he's probably like where's my you know where's my man? Well wait wait you'll get him. So what what what did the old man how did that how did the relationships progress to a point where you had to do the bad, bad thing. Okay, well, yeah.

What's your earliest memory of pop? I don't know. I don't know if I can get to like an earliest memory. My memory is generally this early stuff is really fucked. Like I can I've just recently started to do more in the mushrooms and stuff, and it's helped me get back to some of this shit, but I still have a hard time with a lot of specifics. But when I was a little kid, what I remember more is more positive memories of my father. I'm not here to talk to you know, to really bad mouth him. I mean, I speak frankly about everyone, but he could be an asshole. He had quite a temper and he drank sometimes a lot and that contributed to the temper.

And also he'd had a traumatic brain injury when he was a young man. So he'd be very, very volatile. He'd turn on a dime emotionally and created this kind of, a lot of tension, a lot of fear in the household. He was rarely really physically violent. That's another part of the story that is I think atypical It's not I've heard so many fucking stories of the horrible beatings and locked in a closet and kind of shit like that that wasn't my childhood that

Yeah, my father could be an angry alcoholic with a Could be could be mean sometimes but it was rarely physical was sometimes uh even when it was it wasn't the when do you would do how old were you when you started drinking um probably about like maybe around 13 13 something like that. Yeah, I was a very, a lot of ways I'd lived a very sheltered life. We were, for one, physically isolated. It's because we lived in the-

Did you go to a church, or did you have a church? We went to, my mother's side of the family were fucking real religious, real fundy, fucking, you know, fun stuff, and went to their lovely Jesus establishment fairly often. It varied. We lived in the city, but it was a wooded area on about an acre in the middle of the city.

So it's this weird- Come on, wooded area? Yeah. That in the middle of the city, so it's this weird wooded area. Yeah It's it's odd. It's just It's too much. It's too too. It fits too many of the Clicks boxes. I think it's the profile is Yeah, that's technically I K killed my father. This my dad was paralyzed and when we transfer him into the car, one of the kids would have to get there and catch his feet.

And when I was a catcher, I missed a foot and it slammed down and he had no blood circulation. So I killed him with diabetes, eating his legs. Jesus Christ. I say, like I always say, I killed, you know my story, obviously that's probably why we're talking. But then I always say, yeah, I killed my mother just because it's a jarring short version of a longer story.

Well, no, obviously, but it's kind of like when I got booed off stage at the Kilkenny Festival in Ireland and the tabloid ran a headline that said American comic boot a boot says Irish women too ugly to rape In a way, I kind of said that but it was a very long version that had a lot of angles and details. You miss all the nuance. Right. That sums it up in a jarring way that grabs attention. So when I say I killed my mother, does someone like you or Twyman, we'll probably call Twyman,

he's the one that murdered his mother, but that was because he was in a, you know, a psychological place where he thought voices were telling him to do that because she was gonna hurt the family. You didn't have that. You didn't have any voices. Not like that. Do you look at me like a stolen valor

when I say I killed my mother, when you really killed your father? I mean, I don't think it's a whole hell of a lot of I mean Well hell of a stretch now how old was he when this all this shit one day was about 50 Hey Linda, I could do a little math, but I met yeah about 50 That's when I got my first Dewey sounds that sounds callous when I say that yeah I was like I don't fucking remember offhand How old he was but I remember a lot of shit, so yeah

Yeah, it was about 50 I'm 16 and that Anyway back here. Oh, yeah, what do I say to people I don't This first I would say I don't say it a whole lot. I don't a job? No, I'm not working currently. I haven't worked for... it's been I guess about a couple years. Last job I did was tree removals for these couple of brothers and yeah the boss knew. We met at AA so I told him you know we knew each other's stories and it was cool. But for the most part, yeah, other little jobs I've had before, sometimes people would know I would usually err on the side of not sharing a whole lot. And I've always kind of been that way, I think.

And then that just even, you know, redoubled when this whole shit happened. Also sounds like you live in a part of a kind of place where people don't ask a lot of questions of anyone Yeah, well, it's And I'm just very used to I have my own kind of sense of what's I don't like to pry into people shit I'm very open when people want to share with me, but I They just kind of like to be in my own world most of the time. And so when other people are, you know, definitely plenty of people who are

in sharing or they think they're entitled to your story. Right. And I just don't understand. Like, I don't feel like anyone's entitled to my story or to know a lot about me. I share it when I feel like it's gonna be a... I'm always suspicious when you just meet somebody and then they're just telling you everything about... When they lead with that, you go,

all right, probably none of this is true. Yeah. Well, that reminds me of the other day. That's exactly what happened. I was in downtown now. It's just a city I live in now probably take that out I didn't even say the state yet but yeah I was at the City Hall I was sitting

sitting at the edge of the City Hall, it was the evening, I was just playing guitar in a not very crowded area. This one guy comes up, he's pretty obese and an older white guy. And he's sitting playing and he's walking by and he sort of stops and turns to me for a second. And then he proceeds to come and sit down sit down about this close to me sit down Put his put his stuff down and he starts just unfolding his whole life story And his his horse gum his paranoid schizophrenia diagnosis and how his case manager takes care of all his cigarettes and how he has sleep apnea and and then you know at some point I I'm trying to politely

get back to what I'm doing because it's interesting but it's only interesting for me a second meal 15 minutes is a stretch and it's already been 20 so I'm just trying to politely get back to it you murdered him yeah well it wasn't it was considered as an option among many. And I, instead I just politely went back to playing the tar and he continues to intermittently kind of blurt out these factoids. I lived at 3902 fucking, you know, blah, blah, blah, this town and it was something. And then at one point, you know, I'm playing and another one of these, he turns back and he says, yeah,

and a guy poked me in the butt last June I'm not even gay. I've slept with a lot of women, but I was under the influence of that marijuana and it by it really I don't know what happened, but somehow he Yeah, got into that game Me and that's that's where I got the idea to never use the marijuana again. That's where I got and he's the funniest. I mean that's you know it's somewhat funny. It's another you know I like to collect these stories. Yeah. But it's what's almost funnier to me is that he's telling me this and I'm completely just deadpan. No because I've heard

I've heard so well no that and that that I'm like just not reactive as him just I just keep carrying on with my little you know Piedmont Blues improvisation as he's you know and I just go yeah that's it's because I've just heard so much almost almost like it seems like you could put a beat I was doing that a little bit I was kind of I was thinking thinking that. That's when you said that. I was doing that a little bit. I was kind of, I was thinking that way. And then he was, but then he started going to his... I used to live in the submarine. Da-na-na-na.

Then he started going to his Jesus poetry though. And I was like, back here again. I can't get away from this shit. Yeah. That would suck. Yeah. Yeah, maybe hang out in less parks. Yeah, no, that's...

You're totally invited. I never been alive in a world where a park wasn't a creepy place to go. Mm hmm. Like they were built for people to, you know, have picnics and stuff. But I never hit that area of life as old as we are. No, park was always a creepy place. Well, and there's I just revisited a park in my hometown because I went back for a reunion and I went to this park and I realized everything that happened at that park was dirt clod fights yes And that dr. Pepper he has it on the fountain back there He has it on the fountain back there.

I bet if we stepped up our vocals just a little bit that they would be smiling more. Oh, it's I need that. Just so you billets in the room 303. Yeah Thank you Yeah, I was a little loud drunk last night and and and a lot of people confirm that by telling me I couldn't be in their bar. We had to put his dog down yesterday. Yeah. So there's murders in the air. Sure. We had a we had Doug showed up but we had I had a nice spread. I don't know if this is how it went down at your house a nice blanket with rose petals Yeah, same basic principles. Oh, but well maybe well I've had a tarp underneath because we're gonna have that she's a heavy dog. So rolled her onto the tarp

But tarps are always good to have Yeah, there I actually didn't employ a tarp surprisingly was that Was yours a, what do you call it, a crime of passion? It was a crime of passion and alcohol, yeah. So it was not premeditated? Not for very long. It was very, like I had been, had a lot of anger towards him for years and I had the thought of like killing him before. You know, God, could I poison him?

Could I do this? And then of course I watch Breaking Bad and I start wondering if I can figure out how to synthesize the ricin. Oh yeah. You know, I'm like, I'll take, I'll take shit from anywhere. Yeah. Could this possibly work in reality? Maybe? Try it no, but I probably realistically I don't think I ever would have

That's what Andy and I do all the time We never I was gonna burn toes. I was gonna burn my house down. I thought I it's like that's a tough one You know, there's a whole fire science and criminal investigation But it was a fire season and I was gonna start a fire down here and then I had some stuff on my roof bring a spark like Maybe not but I mean it's nice to go through but it's fine It's not at not nearly as good but it's still it can be a fairly good compensation just to it is a great creative Outlet to go,

hey, I want to do an oceans 11 or a murder thing. And here's what the here's one of the things my wife was gone. She had she was out of doing chemotherapy in Portland. This is perfect. But what made me go I'll get caught is I'm going to have, oh, you your house is on fire and you have time to get all your pets loaded up and all your clothes and Exactly. Yeah, that that's I would A little dateline and I watch a little date an update line to go. Okay. Well I

I I could have gotten away with something back before cameras. Oh, yeah cameras are everywhere And phones pinging That in my in my notes is I should have faked my own death back when it was so much easier, but now there's cameras everywhere. Oh yeah. There's a guy who made a threat to me about my daughter. He goes, I know where your daughter is. He's a crazy dude that we met on the road.

And my wife was in the chemotherapy. All these wife was that in the chemotherapy this is all these all these plots came about in the same time but this guy made threats and I knew enough about him he liked hooker and he liked cocaine and I like well I can I can bring those you know like uh arrange those things and then I went to goodwill to get a kit together like a baseball you know I was like I knew enough I don't want to go to Walmart and get, you know, Oh yeah. Hey, twyman, hang on a second where you're on a podcast, but I'm letting Andy finish his story. I just want to have you here.

But yeah, just the whole thing and then getting gas cans. But I knew, you know, it's a, it's like a 12 hour drive to go murder this fella. And I decided to just warn my kid and hope for the best. Yeah. But I did, I had, you know, I had the gas cans, I had the uh, duct tape. This is exactly why I won't own a gun. Isn't it a little satisfying just to know though that if actually you were at the point where you wanted to, you know, yeah, you've done some prep prep work. He crossed a line by making a threat to my kid that it was like all bets are off and I had a pretty clear Purpose until you know, I kind of figured maybe this guy

Jay we'll just go with Jay. This is a This is our together. You are Jay. Are you wing? Yeah, or Richard? This is Together you are JR Ewing. Yeah. Or Richard. This is, yeah, he killed his pop and I was just telling him about you, but he didn't have Lorne Michaels in his head telling him to come to Saturday Night Live. And he was in a bad situation where it wasn't voices in his head. It was needed to be done.

So I'm just making sure you know that I'm talking to someone else who killed a parent and I don't want you to feel like you're being replaced. Okay. At least it's not both, you know, at least it's a different little niche because it's mother and then father so it's not like the same thing. Jay thank you very much Ivan. Ivan or Ivan? Ivan.

Keep your straws. Yeah he hasn't worked but it's not I think it's more cuz he you well Jay was found not guilty by reason of insanity and he's out now How long did you spend in? nut nut Banana factory about eight years eight years and you did seven. Yeah, just under seven under seven And but yeah, they His eight years half of that was work release Bank account yeah, I bet a bagel company

Sounds pretty goddamn good to me. I keep his employee of the month picture on my refrigerator He's like my kid even though he's like 50. How old are you? That's a nice age But yeah, he's a Who was home when you when when your incident happened? Nobody was unfortunately ever just just Just me

All right, you know what I don't know why I brought you into this other than the the the the the the the the the the the

the the the I go, Oh, I have a black guy on the on the podcast. I know another black guy. Let me call him. Yeah. What you calling about? All right. I'll talk to you later.

I'll try. Okay. All right. Bye. Use this real name twice. I am. Well, uh, let me knock this ad out. Let me knock this ad out.

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That's it! You don't even need to win to receive the $50 bonus. It's guaranteed. PrizePix picks run your game and we're back you're killing him that's why when he was a stand-up comic or he he was an open mic guy he's a guy that would afflict the open mic with his words He's a guy that would afflict the open mic with his words To a Negative reaction or or at least a quiet reaction. Hmm. All right, so it's a tell us tell us like What happens like without going into detail the night? Yeah And what you're comfortable with? Yeah, well

Yeah. And what you're comfortable with. Yeah, well, it's hard to know how far back to go, but I mean, things have been tense for a long time. A lot of strife between him and my mother. You're 14? I'm 16 then. 16, and so like a sophomore? Yeah, I dropped out by that point.

Like a sophomore then. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but I was... I bolted immediately as soon as 16 went ding. Yeah. At that very moment I'm out. So yeah, so things have been tense for a while. My mother was out that night, so she wasn't home. My sister was home, but my sister didn't didn't witness any of it directly so it was just

between me and my father both of us had been drinking for I don't know how long by that point maybe him for a couple hours did you guys drink together regularly occasionally we did yeah I was some you know cuz I was I didn't what was your drink of choice together in case we get sponsorship? Rainier. Oh, man. And you're fucking beer. You're. Little Rainier, that's a very

popular beer where you're from in Alabama. Yeah, yeah, it was an appropriate choice for our our socials placement. He kind of looks like the kid from the riots that now he's kind of famous. Oh, the written house? Yeah, written house. Have a touch of that. I thought that before. I can't remember. But I can't remember what he looks like either. But you're probably right.

He just one-upped him with Kyle's count. So, yeah, things have been tense at night. We weren't really drinking together that night. I just, I had a couple drinks, but I wasn't a real heavy drinker at that point. I was a scrawny 16-year-old kid. I didn't fucking, didn't take a whole lot to affect my faculties

and my inhibitions and all that shit so I had only had yeah two or three tall boys or something I wasn't really too deep into it but it was enough and it was throughout the night even on the phone with my mother talking to a certain kind of way that was something I was was just, you know, I've never, I've always had a hard time with that. Just even the verbal stuff, you know, you know, speaking to my mother any kind of way, and the way he would talk to her, it just really, really got to me. And so, I had kind of been tense with him throughout the evening. And at some some point there's an altercation between us. We, you know, some conflict and I...

Had you fought before physically? Not fought. No. He'd been, you know, he'd fucking shoved me around sometime, done a few things. Was he physically imposing? Yeah. And he was a big guy. He was a strong, real strong guy. You know, and he was a big guy. He was a strong little strong guy

You know you install cabinets for a living it was very very tough a lot bigger than me I probably, you know that That fair fight he probably could have whipped my ass that tape on tape you would have been Fair fight he would have whipped your ass, but I like you likely well but I like you likely well you hand me that China. Oh man, the thing you walked in with. Yeah, I'm a showing to that's a Reverend Derek stick.

Yeah, it was the I was almost exactly like this one. So that's I'd had one that I'd taken out some vine maple rear that day. And so I'd had all these cuttings that I was going to use. I always like to make it. Oh, of course, of course of course see the waiting Yeah, I've always Whittled whittle I just like to fuck with like doesn't have to be real

Pretty or professional. It's just I like tinkering and fucking with little Yeah, you're the guy that even at your age you go. You know when I was a kid We made our own fun and carve a bad out of the oh yeah your bones You know when I was a kid we made our own fun and carve a bat out of the thing. All you do is play with your phones. So that's that's what I had I just I happened to be walking around with one that day because it was one I'd whittled that morning. Okay, and if it was a diggery do. You're worried about your mother's safety at this point. He's yeah, he's talking about kicking her out of the house.

And at the very least, I don't, you know, there's always, there's always a chance that he can get real physical, physically violent. I'd seen him be violent to her before, but it was- Ever towards your sister? No, never really towards my sister, no. Yeah, so that's why I say he was an asshole, but he wasn't you know

If I try to put any kind of scale Yeah, I mean he kind of scale he's not I'm not trying to say he's up all right So you're you're you're you see your five six Reneer beers in which at 16 years old Yeah, I'm fucking damn shit-faced.faced yeah something like that or on my way to it and so we We get into it some and I end up I end up using that thing on him or not that one, but you know something very much like that and and All right, I get I don't want graphics about but I don't want graphics, but was it one of those one-hit wonders? Because I read stories all the time where someone sucker punches a guy in a bar, and

the guy fucking falls and smashes his head open and dies. I just thought it was a fight. It was several blows. See I didn't tell the authorities this part, there was a clear intent like a form thought in my mind that I want to kill him it was before you picked that up or like I said I'd just been walking around with this all day so I'd already had it with me but at some point very shortly before I actually did it I don't know how long it might have been less than a minute there was the I believe it was less than a minute, there was a thought that

formed like, yeah I just this primal animal fucking just want him gone. That welled up from somewhere and I really do believe that had I not been drinking it probably would have never happened anything like that or happened at all. Again why I don't have a gun in the house because there are times I go oh shit I would have used that and had like some kind of... I'm worried about you getting losing your balance and walking around with a cane. No what's it what's the Florida kid like stand your ground that guy Zimmerman Zimmerman like I could see where in a drunken state I I would think oh wait. I was justified in doing this

And you go yeah, it doesn't it's just what? What comes up or what came up then and it's it's what happened, you know, I tried to Yeah, if you don't have like a weapon with you and you're that drunk So sometimes you just call your friends, which is maybe worse. Oh, did I call you last night? I'm sorry I should have you know Yeah, that would have been should have just beat my tap to death that it'd be less embarrassing than you playing this really I left Free bet it could again. Oh and it's funny I think because I have thought that it could have been perhaps something very simple that yeah Yeah

Just a small variable even the fact that I had that thing with me Probably wouldn't have been walking around with one of those had I not been with Liam that morning and had happened to really like the one I just made and Be walking around the yard with it. So yeah a lot of odd little Faded things that didn't break. No, no, no. So you just hard mable. Yeah. Yeah.

I was there already answer. You have several, several blows. Yeah. And it was, I had this, it just come up. Did he, uh, by any chance, uh, have you in little league previously where you go, Oh, I shouldn't have trained him. Not a, uh, I think second have trained him not a Dinger's I think second grade he had me in some kind of fruity little but kids baseball thing T ball had something

It wasn't quite that well, it was like a step above t ball, but it wasn't even so I don't know It wasn't even live league. It was like For like a year or something. Yeah, it was was the local sheriff. Whatever it is, the strike zone wasn't like up here. Yeah, the coach was ironically the local, the guy went on to be like the head sheriff in the town or something. So he knew me personally a little bit. See the one that threw John Rambo out of the city limits.

Oh yeah, Brian Dennehy. And then he apparently is responsible for some racism stuff and so everyone wanted him gone or so. I don't follow this stuff, but yeah. So, so Pops is out, laid out. How long before anybody else shows up? Yeah, so there's no witnesses. My sister was inside in her room. She didn't see or hear anything and I after I, after I've done it, you know, the actual act takes probably, I'm sure it was less than 10 seconds, probably 5 seconds.

You know, I can swing that thing very fast. I have done, I did some martial arts stuff when I was a kid. And I've just always had this love for weapons. And I don't know, yeah, it goes back. But anyway, he's there. I anyway, I'm he's there. I think I freeze. I freeze there and just kind of. I'm just kind of stunned for a short time.

I don't know how long exactly, maybe a minute or two, possibly longer. At some point, I back on the phone with my mother. She's she's at a party with her, her brother. It's her niece's graduation. She's drank a at a party with her Her brother. It's her niece's graduation She's drank a little too much. She doesn't want to drive back this evening, but she Yeah, are your mother and father together? Is she living in the house? Yeah, she's living there they're still technically together at that point, but

Yeah, like I'd said he'd been saying like if you don't come home tonight. Don't come home at all Yeah, like I said, he'd been saying like, if you don't come home tonight, don't come home at all. You're, you know, he very, very jealous. Always fucking, I don't think she was ever up to anything really, but he would imagine she was or so there was all that stuff. And so she was real hysterical. She wanted to ride home. I some point agree that, yeah, I'm'm gonna make sure my mother gets home safe tonight

And I'm not even licensed to drive at this point and you're drunk I'm still a little tipsy and I just committed you know Second degree murder at least you're thinking at that point. I can plea bargain the rest of these Did you change your shirt before you picked up? Oh, yeah. Well first I had to you know hide his body. Oh yeah yeah I did there was a sort of like a bin outside by the shop that we used. Private bin not like the neighborhood. Yeah no no private like I said this is like an acre in a wooded kind of area. It's pretty secluded. How many shells of cars are there that he's eventually going to fix? Is there part of the Yamaha? Not quite as many. Not quite as many as you think. Yeah, it was. There were a few, but my father was like some white trash with some self-respect still.

But anyway, yeah, there's this bin that was like, like we used it for oil cans and stuff. And that was the nearest thing. It was about, you know, about 20 feet away probably from where he was down. And I ended up dragging him and putting him in the box and covering it with some, some, that's a lot of work too. How, how you, yeah. Let me, let me ask you how much of what you did instinctually after this outburst that killed your father, how much do you think is due to being inundated with true crime TV, podcast, radio, where you go, Oh, I got to, okay, hide my cell phone, turn the finger off, put them in a can, roll it down the hill. Probably, probably at least a lot.

Yeah. Probably really true crime and the, and the fictional stuff too. And all this, oh yeah. Yeah. Cause I've always loved, I just reading and, and, and certain, certain TV perhaps stuff and all that, yeah, just taking in all this secondhand information and you kind of you know How am I like were you just flooded with panic or were you more? I was I think I feel like I was I was pretty panicked

But I'm also I'm kind of this I'm kind of weird in this way where I can often in like low intensity Situations, I'm anxious as fuck and I'm uncomfortable I'm socially awkward but then when things are suddenly extremely bad I find myself able to function like oh okay yeah I can just center the storm calm so weird right so that I think it was a little bit like that yeah or I just and I well I didn't have anything mapped out at this point it was I'm gonna get away with this thing and I'm gonna, I was just like, this, this, this, you know. I was far away. Find a grinder, get rid of the stick.

He was where you are to the little recycling bin over there. So that was the distance from where the bin was. And, you know, so with considerable struggle, that was a funny thing, the prosecutor at one point trying to, you know, talking shit about me, saying, oh, he was, you know, he's so callous. He took his father's body and threw him in a box. It's like I didn't throw shit I was a scrawny little fucking you know he was

He's a big dude, and I yeah, but we just had to live to fat dog Probably not it is not easy pounds. Yeah, I took four of us dead weight. Yeah, yeah that expression Like did was there a moment where you go? Oh fuck is he dead or did we pretty sure I took his pulse Yeah, he's dead. Yeah, I was What did you do with the the stick did you I just put it in the box? Yeah, that obviously was in order. I never got back. You saw it in court I'm I didn't see it in court wasn't necessary added a plea taking a plea but but yeah, I never got it back. You saw it in court. I didn't see it in court. It wasn't necessary. I had a plea. I'm taking a plea but yeah they never gave it back. I don't know. I got

kind of the police took a marijuana oil hashish oil and a glass case that said police and I'm so I was like I want that back and so when the when the time was up I went to the police station said Could I get my they did give me my eyeglass case back? But I said I believe there was some hash oil in there and they confiscated it Yeah, I don't see I probably another one of these little things that I could look into or could have you like what? Can I get the murder weapon back? I don't write I've put it up I've never really looked into it and kind of wouldn't think so. weapon back I don't right I've never really looked into it I kind of wouldn't think so. Is it kind of a person that would put it over your fireplace or something?

I'd probably walk with it like yeah yeah I like to walk all the time it's just my thing. You don't even have like a bad knee or anything? I have some back troubles but that's mostly that's pretext for it if someone really drills me on her some fucking cop has something to say about me bringing a weapon into a safe space or something. How much do you deal with anger issues now? Are they worse after prison or better? Do you find any zen anywhere? It's been really shitty for a couple of years. Like I mentioned towards the beginning, I just recently got in the mushrooms for the first time ever. So I was up until that point was just drinking sometimes. It's been three years and three years and almost a half that I've been out now. And a lot of it's been really bad. There was particularly these last couple of years living Are you living in the same place? No, I'm staying with some fucking Christian lunatics.

That's better than sitting at the crime scene. After this election, you'll probably have the place to yourself. They may be moving on. Lord, I fucking hope so. They say the... they always return to the scene of the crime, but you don't have to live there. Yeah, I doubt it's up Yeah, no, so I guess I figured off. I were really true to my Christian ritz I would get a little necklace of the thing and wear it on my oh, yeah Yeah, but now now I'm not that it's hard to explain to most people

Occasionally encounter people like you who fucking will laugh with me at it. But it's not... Alright, so let's talk about... ...have a... ...dating. Dating people! Dating people! Dating!

Oh, this is probably... I hate the dating world. This is fucking probably weirder than the... ...uhm... ...than the other stuff even. Well, maybe. Yeah! Yeah.

That's why we're leading you down the path. Just eat the mic. I'm just so afraid that we're not gonna leading you down. No, I just saw the mic I'm just so afraid that we're not gonna be catching this because it's so oh god. Yeah, I need to spend just need someone to like Physically hit that's what I got Generally if the other people get louder, I'll just Train because of that yesterday and I'm so unaccustomed to still even after being out three years I'm still so unaccustomed to being in places where I don't have to constantly be monitoring every detail in my environment Yeah, I still feel you know all the time like I'm I'm sure there's cameras everywhere But ours is the only one that has

video I mean and audio no I love the cameras I can send to you know you know what I like about the camera I say about music I like about cameras is because I would steal I mean I I take it out on corporations when I can I like to steal slide a hand or whatever and stuff and now I'm like it's just not worth it you know I make it so on corporations when I can. I like to steal, slide a hand or whatever and stuff. And now I'm like, it's just not worth it. You know, I make it so hard. I go into a Home Depot. I'm like, there's probably literally more cameras

in this fucking Home Depot than there are in a lot of prisons that I've been in. It's creepy. This is one I'm proud of recently is I went to Walmart and I got a couple of window blinds. You know, they're like tall, probably seven feet or whatever in packaging.

So I lean those up and it's and then they ring up all the other stuff and I'm aware they're not getting those. So then I go ahead and take the two, you know, two most awkward things you could try to steal from Walmart just right on camera. Oh, oh, did they not ring it up? It's just cameras have ruined a lot of my, my scams. Oh, oh did they not ring it up miss? Well, just uh cameras have ruined a lot of my My scams. Yeah, just fun. Just fun shit you do to keep yourself vaguely sane and they fucked that up for you, too Yeah, I'm just glad my I could have a peaceful ceremony and put my dog down without a bunch of cameras

Oh, that's right. So you actually went ahead and that was last night? Yeah, we did it yesterday. Doug said, you know, I knew I was going to go to Portland to be here and he said, and I told, you know, I ran it past Alex because like I said, I think Doug's kind of into that sort of thing, you know, he put his mom down and everything and then I kind of turned into more of a celebration farewell. Then, you know, put it out of my mind that she was on a tarp, but it was coming handy you know, but it was it was a really kind of a beautiful send-off for a great dog, so and Anyway anyway So, oh what was I already asked dating... So, oh, what was I... did I already ask you? Dating. Dating, yes.

That's what you meant, yes. So, I have dated a little bit. Honestly though, I've never fucked. I'm a virgin. I've never fucked anybody. You're a virgin? I am. Oh my god, you might be a project.

We can kill that. I worried about that, but you know, I was telling my sister, I don't know, about telling this shit to Stanhope I might end up with fucking goat cheese and palm olive on my cock Good only delivered only a French whore Well, then okay that it's all right then no she was a waitress Anyway, so I so are you like internet like swiping shit? I don't I that's the thing You know it's not like I think I I don't feel like I'm doing right I couldn't fucking get laid if I just I am very stubborn

I will not never fucking done the the apps have you ever been on a date if you don't been on a date Yeah, all right. Tell us the last day like a real date. No Yeah, when's the last time you can't really at least put on aftershave going? I'm gonna really nail this one. Uh, I Don't know. I was that's the thing. I've been I was really fucked up. I mean I'm was is a little presumptuous I'm not saying I'm not anymore, but I was Considerably more than I am now, I believe anymore, but I was considerably more than I am now, I believe. After getting out, I just a lot of fucking a lot of a lot of myself that I'd had to really press down and hide and restrain. Because, you know, I there are a lot of things about me that in and

of themselves, they aren't that bad. You know talk about it in my interest in weapons or violence. So you know, that's universal for a kid. But it suddenly becomes a problem when you actually do it. It's like, oh, fuck, you know, I can't now I can't joke. I can't even go back to the. It's funny when I say I'll kill you. Yeah, it was before when I, you know, I could I could say, you know, and I love I grew up on like, you know, did you eat all the chocolate chip cookies? I'll'll kill you. Yeah, it was before when I you know I could I could say you know and I loved I grew Up on like you know

I'm fucking kill you Yeah, right exactly. Yeah, I grew up beyond fucking like George Carlin. You know, but here's a list of people Why don't be fucking killed? No, they just Just love that shit and then yeah, it's all Innocent until suddenly it's fucking not. Yeah. Because you're, you know, biographically some things have shifted a bit and now I can't be, uh... It's hard to, you know, be as uninhibited when I fucking crack jokes and stuff. Because I'm always fucking worried about it.

Is the mushrooms helping you kind of stop beating yourself up or overthinking shit as well? Who's your friends? Oh, it's lovely. Yeah thinking shit. Who's your friends lovely? Yeah? Yeah Who's your actually do you have a support group of any kind? But your story here is my sister's my my clothes you know person obviously obviously and we hang out you know we spent a lot of time together and Outside of that You know I have one really good friend in Ireland a woman that I met on an online AA meeting, we just became fucking real good friends. I have some people that, you know, there are people that I

was friends with in AA when I did that, sort of, and now occasionally I'll, you know, but it's different when I'm not. If you want an AA friend, my name is Andy Anderson, I will be your AA friend. That's lovely. If you call me about your drinking, I'll say Andy Anderson. I will be your AA friend. That's lovely. Call me about your drinking. I'll say, what do you, I don't care. I'll say, well now it's not as appealing. There's no longer any. Hey, I'm not gonna criticize your drinking.

Just stay on them mushrooms. What was that? I wanna know the transition from, okay, I want you to hurl you three point that body into the trash can, as the prosecutor likes to use you. You hurl you three point that body into the trash can. As the prosecutor likes to alleged. But then did you go pick up your mother? Yeah, yeah. I just license.

I without a license, probably not really intoxicated at that point. You call. Yeah. Do you think were you listening to music? Can't remember. I always like to know the Uh... Can't remember. I always like to know the soundtrack of things like that. That would have been great. I'd love to. I wish I had it, but I can't remember that part.

I feel like I... I want to say maybe no, because I feel like I would have remembered. If it was. I do remember I put on this... My sister can probably tell the story better than I can, but I put on this vest. Oh, that's louder. What? Probably louder.

She probably is. Get a couple fucking drinks in her especially. But put this vest, this fruity sequined vest that my father's mother had second, you know, like passed down to, I think to my mother or something. You're getting more silence of the lambs all the time. Yeah, yeah. Did you have a penis tucked behind your butt? Some people call it a sling blade. Free and easy, no worries there. Come over, I'll opt a head off this boy. I don't know why. So your mother, is she surprised you picked her up?

Or has this happened before? No, she doesn't know any of this has happened. And she probably doesn't know I'm drinking either. Yeah, but she knows you're an unlicensed driver at 60th, wearing women's clothing. Yeah, well, it wasn't that, you know, it was vaguely. I could've, I think I made it work still, that's the point, but. You made it work.

Yeah. Cheers. You know, you could even say, you know, retrospectively, like, why would I do that? Maybe I would do something like that just so I would have a detail for something like this. I don't know. I don't know why I do it. Oh man. Yeah.

You premeditated this to be on a podcast that didn't exist at the time. Probably. No, actually. Yeah, we were around... 2014? Oh, yeah, we started in like 2010 or 2012 or something. Hang on, let me knock this ad out. Hey, hello, fresh, our good friends at HelloFresh. Whether you're trying to save money,

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slash stanhopefree with code stanhopefree. Not to be confused with free stanhope. Coming next week. confused with freestand hope. Coming next week. And we're back. Yeah so I... Oh what kind of car were you driving? It was a 76 I think Ford Granada. Nice. Wow! We had a 76 for Granada and I was like just beige in my head yeah you didn't think about taking dad so you could go carpool lanes did you that would have been admin wise all right so you pick up your mother and do you tell her right away no no no I don't I don't tell her anything I don't

tell anybody anything for three days Okay, so you did a lot of cleanup. Yeah, I'm involved no bleach But a lot of water and a lot of cleaning wipes during stuff just a hose. There's a hose nearby. I outside Yeah, it happened outside. Oh my the show much. I don't have to worry way better. Yes Yeah, way better in there was I brought my car down there the Next day into the pretext of well I gotta wash my car today and I was washing up Oh, you know it's just shit like that and yeah, it's like maybe you could maybe I could worry myself over that So I might suck in in my

Twisted I don't know I just I just I just remember things I remember yeah, no really strange about I remember yeah, no really strange about Especially when their brains I'm too I am to know neither of us I guarantee is as much as my mother is but fuck You know, what was I saying? Yeah, so I drive there. I pick her up. I don't tell her anything I'm fairly I can mask. Yeah pretty well when I have to that That's probably one of the reasons. Right now he's in raid status. Plotting. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. He brought his hammer. So, yeah, so I make up some story about how he went out on his bike and he and he'd been drinking This is something he done before so it was plausible. Yeah. Yeah, I hit one of the bikes and

You know and his his phone and all the stuff all the detail kind of fucking for crime shit Then like you mentioned that you just is in there somewhere and it happens to be accessible when you need it Yeah, did you better or do you where did you put. Where did you put the bike? Inside the box as well. Oh, okay. I was thinking, I was thinking, Monday murder quarterbacking here, but I had to put the bike wheel

and make it look like it was hit by a car, and then some of his blood on the bicycle. Yeah, you were a little more sophisticated than I was. Well, he's a little older than 16, so he said I'm the plan boy. Than I was at that point for sure, and probably now even, but. Alright, so your mother, she's like, there's, let's say your dad's name is, uh. Pete. Where is fucking Peter?

Yeah, um. Pete. Fader. Where's Peter? And you're like, uh, I think he went out to yeah, he went on his bike He'd been drinking a lot. I don't know. I'm sorry. Can I get more lucky chomers? Milk's curdled Whatever like she's still fucking she's had some drinks like I said, so she's not necessarily that

dialed in and You know, she's not always that dialed in and you know she's not always that dialed in anyway so it's not three days of not dialed in. So then the next day yeah no she's getting she is getting worried for sure she's uh let's see I think she she I think even the next day yeah sure no more for please. No more for you. His sponsor called. Yeah, so uh Yeah, no, she's worried. She's worried. She's calling, you know, his trying to go. We go out. I'm calling all the usual spots. The methadone clinic.

Yeah, his is just his friends or people he knew from work or checking in with his mother and, and, uh, the whole time I'm, I'm just masking. I'm just, I'm just not just doing the act. And you still have the body is still on the premises. Yeah. And so like the next, I think that night, you know, by the time I got my mother home and everything, it was into the next day. It was, it was fucking late.

So everyone was exhausted. I was somehow able to get some sleep what Everyone was exhausted and I was somehow able to get some sleep but But yeah, and then the next David tell had a bit about a Good friend will help a friend will help you move but a good friend will help you, a friend will help you move, but a good friend will help you bury your body.

Yeah. Did you have anyone? No. That you could think of remotely that would go, hey, this is a heavy fucking thing, can you help now? I had nobody like that at this point. I was so fucking isolated. I was so alone in the world. Yeah

So there's no one I there's no one on earth I would have called I've thought a In my life. I've had that person and you see how even the best of them can turn on you one day And even now even now I'd like to say that but I would still hesitate to say yes, I do even now It's like yeah people that but I would still hesitate to say yes I do even now it's like yeah people that Maybe let me get back to the day where would you give me a time where you had to tell a perspective lady or gentleman Whatever you are that yeah, I have to tell you right up front. I

Yeah, there is to tell you right up front, I... Yeah, there is a... I had some trouble. But we all have stories, right? Nice lady. Cops aren't my friends, and here's why. No, yeah, so I guess the first... Big why. Yeah, the first would be a gal in AA that I met, you you know that I was not

Not all that interested in but she showed some interest into me Here's the thing about a that what you hear say here what we hear here would let it stay here Yeah, yeah, that's not a fucking legal HIPAA violation. No, they go right out and start using That guy killed his dad! Yeah, I can't... Hey, dad killer! Huh? You still in the program? They're like, you're... Yeah, I learned quickly that that's not...

Yeah. Yeah. Now. Including your fucking sponsor, including your fifth step, including all that shit. Don't ever assume shit. Unless you know the person real fucking well. That's how... That's why it's like a religion.

They make you confess. Okay, you apologize. Fifth step. Yeah. Put out all your dirt. And then you confess. Okay, you apologize, fifth step, yeah, put out all your dirt, and then you're gonna feel like you, oh, oh, I can't leave the group. God, it sounds so bad, now does it? I just spent six hours listing it all.

I, fuck, I'm a horrible person. Scientology is built on that, oh, yes, we. Same principle, yeah. Yeah, we videotape all of your confessions. Can you imagine if you went to a confessional? In a Catholic church in those video cameras and microphones like this. It won't be long It's for your own protection. It won't be long before people are voluntarily walking into that I'm sure there's a there's a priest who's put that together and jacks off to these kids crying about other things that happened to him

Anyway, I'm not you're molested by another priest was his dick bigger than mine Take two Hail Marys and call father hand and an ass Would you call that thing a father hammer? You had a name for a priest go back and confess. I don't know. I don't know anyway Anyway, the first chick I told yeah, so we they like to be called broads I know you're a pretty like to be called fucking bitches. I can't fucking keep track of what I know the broads nomenclature is but So you you told her and she I told her pretty early on she didn't I yeah, I just got know. So you told her and she said... Yeah, I told her pretty early on. She didn't, I just got a feeling. She was like, it was funny actually.

She was like, I could tell she had something that she wanted to tell me that was like she was real ashamed of. And she was hesitant and I just, I don't know, I'm weird. I like to get people to tell me things that they don't wanna tell. That's like my... Well, that's cause you can one up them all.

Yeah, well, probably. It's probably a part of it. Yeah. And so but I ended up telling her first, it was kind of my thing. Is, oh, you know, this will set her at ease. Oh, you know, next to that, she's fucking knocking as he killed his dad. Oh, you know. And yeah, it worked just fine.

But she didn't seem to be. Weirded out by it, particularly. At least not right away. It didn't last very long. Yeah, you never want to tell women things because they'll use it against like, oh, that's okay that you did. And then when you fuck up, oh, dead killers. Oh, you can't put your laundry away, can you? Murderer.

For sure. Yeah, that's, that's, that's equally be the reason why I just get it over with right away It's yeah, this is gonna be any issue at all. Why waste my time having as early about 2000 and I started dating this comic and I go alright I gave her a choice of three or four I go all right herpes if any of these yeah It was the herpes was the one like if any of these yeah the herpes was the

one like if any of these are in deal breaker tell me now like I killed my dad yeah and two other things or whatever no I think it's probably like the best strategy for in this position is like I don't what am I gonna and I don't care especially if I'm not ashamed of it are you would I was a valet on Epstein Island? Yeah, I murdered my father About like if a woman in a similar circumstance She's got that baggage and her her thing that seemed like that would be a cool Like I would just like get on the app and say I'm only looking for the real

I'm only looking for the real man Monster with Eileen Warnows, yeah more Charlene Theron Yeah, I mean that is pretty much somewhat Furioso Furioso Charlene than monster Charlene, but still someone who's a Tasted blood Yeah, I know that is that's pretty close. Yeah, no, that is, that's pretty close. Honestly, like I do, I don't think most people can handle me, frankly, the way that I am, and I just don't want to, I have been, uh, so that, the first thing

I mentioned with that gal, that fizzled out quickly, she made some pretext to break it off and I was, she made some, what? Some pretext to break it off for some of her sponsors, told her not to, some bullshit, right? I don't want a 13th step If you if you had smothered somebody to death and then you walked around with pillows all the time people would I mean? Brought the stick down Yeah, like I say, It's like Mr. Pillows.

To be fair, this is a fairly, I'm fairly recently really owning this. Yeah, yeah. Because this is something, this is not even, you know, people say, oh, he's just doing a fucking thing to be cute. Like, no, I've done this since I was a fucking tiny kid. I just carving, walking sticks and shit. I'm not going to stop doing it just because It's how about you? If you kill the guy while you're driving drunk, you don't start riding a bicycle to work

Yeah Pete I had wood shop and my family get the cheapest shit So we'd get the white pine you could you could set up at a Saturday market and sell walking walking sticks And you wouldn't even have to be you know Connected to a story, but you know yeah, that would be a booth. We'd set up at the farmers market. There's me I've thought about that for real, but then you could do here's what I was thinking though Is there you know those like diggery dews? You could have you know you could have made your dad like rainbow or what rainfall?

It's funny you mentioned that because every day we consider at at some point sure I was on drugs at the time that almost everything in life that I Know when I encounter objects and things my impulse is always to think how can I either make a musical instrument or a weapon? From this object. See this is why Yeah, you should be here. It's yeah. Should be here, but he is not here. Cause Chad Shank is that he. Yeah. He craves, he craves, he would lust after what your story is. To his.

You would be a rescue for Chad Shank. Let me take you in there, son. Yeah. I really love your, your, your, your, what you've done with your walking stick thing. I'm thinking about a banjo that you can stab somebody with. That's a damn good idea. Yeah, bayonet banjo. I only play a little banjo, I need to get better.

Yeah, murderous bluegrass band. You on the stick, a chat on banjo, I'll do some dancing. I don't think my dog going down qualifies me for the band. What was I saying? I can't remember. think my dog going down is qualifies me for the band. Uh, what was I saying? I can't remember. It doesn't matter. We're just go forward. Uh, yeah.

So now you don't work. You've worked a little bit for three and a half years. You've been out. Yeah. I still hang out in the, uh, wooded areas. Well, don't live there, but now I... What about the idea that because, like you must have known people in prison that, like, chicks that love dudes in prison because they...

Oh yeah, I'm very well aware of that and I just have a hard time right now that you're out knowing how many Chicks are into true crime Like do you ever get into I don't fucking message boards or whatever they call them like groups where chat groups Yeah, you can talk to and someone you probably yeah Fan fuck you capitalize on that for sure. I know I could I even There I think you have that in you though. They're already it's like Shooting fish in a barrel and then you got to deal with a high it's only into your and there's already moment Yeah, and there's already been some of it. I mean I've already it wasn't just the one experience

There was another chick I got involved with that. I never even ended up meeting her in person but I did meet online. And she was, she had no problem with the dark side of things and me being a little fucked up and violent and she was quite into it. But she was also extremely damaged and extremely fucking crazy and totally, as exactly what you would expect, right? Yeah, but that's the best. Yeah, you don't want expect right yeah you don't want

to start you don't lose your virginity to the best fuck you'll ever have in your life it would have been start saying and then work your way into crazy girls cuz they yeah when they're that fucking bad shit crazy well then once they're gone you go I'm done with. I'm not going back to same girl Yeah, and I do you have a condom what I'm going back to that lady that I had a fan That loved of the whole thing yeah, she did, but I it was just too much I mean she was she was gonna fly me out to New York and fucking but I just didn't it wasn't worth it. I was yeah Virgin you mean like not even a hand job I'm gonna fucking hand job not even a hand job. No see now. What is what's going on in prison these days that?

Luxuous young man like this get seven years and comes out on blemished And he's never It's a little weird yeah but do you blame maybe your actions on the lack of ejaculate that's been taken out of you like in cellists that's a title people yeah that title but other people that just you know maybe if someone was fucking this kid... No, yeah, I don't think... Dad would still be beating his mom. Oh, I've absolutely had that thought.

You know, I don't feel that way now, or any relation to the insult thing at all now. But back, you know, when I was 16, yeah, I've absolutely had that thought. If I was out fucking, you know, nailing some pussy, I would not... I wouldn't even be home. I wouldn't be dealing... None of this shit would happen. Absolutely. If I'd been using more drugs as a kid oh

man this probably wouldn't happen yeah in other words right if I'd probably been drinking more out more doing more dangerous shit probably when the key always so good my dreams were the drug that like kids everybody grows up and then oh you you can have a sip of beer alcohols but if you started with hallucinogenics as a kid, you may not even be a drinker or whatever. Oh, yeah. Fuck. Why did I wait till I'm 50 to start messing with you? And after being out, after being out, that's a big problem for me too, is in regards to the not fucking thing. It's not, again, it's not like I don't realize that I could if I

try. I just usually don't. I'm so unaccustomed to trying and striving for things. After seven years of being in a position where everything is about someone else's will being imposed upon you and you having absolutely no control over what happens, for me, in order to survive that, I have to adapt into a totally basically a stoic mindset everything that comes No resistance. No nothing. It doesn't matter. You can't resist just adapt to it and that becomes me and that takes over Sounds and then I get out. I mean, I'm sure you've heard the idea of learned helplessness when they learn helplessness when they put a

I don't forget. I can't remember the details and shit They put dogs or rats or something in cages and they give them shocks and then they find out that when the animal has an option to act in some kind of way to avoid the shock, it basically conditions it to understand that it can do something about its own pain, but when it's just shocked arbitrarily and the animal quickly learns that no matter what I fucking do it doesn't make a difference I can't avoid the shock and so the animal learns to just be helpless and to just and so that's kind of I think that goes a little way at least to explain how I've gotten out

and it's still until very recently really quite literally until the mushrooms it was like I was still inside That's uh, yeah, but I know that I need to do more mushrooms because my own fucking failings I Just went to my class reunions Just last weekend and now you were OK, sweetheart. I was. And I think I still am.

We're in a ramp. Oh. That's not how it... But I took a small dose of mushrooms just so I could go in to people. I didn't really want to talk to that much, but I could kind of be in my own head and not be drawn into, oh, what have you been been up to and all my kids doing this and that I just was like had a nice little you know anti-social ish but more made me more social and I didn't feel like I had to listen to them I've had such a hard time for so long because I

think I really do love people but it's not many and it's not for too long and too much and I need my space too and so it's not many and it's not for too long and too much. And I need my space too. And so it's really hard to fucking find that. Some somewhere that works in the middle of that. Do you do you consider leaving ever where you're from? Why? I don't know how far. Oh, yeah, we'll be so far away is your town from the scene of the crime.

But 15 miles are, but it's far enough on no I intend to the plan is currently so I'm working on building a tiny house for Myself for her mostly and I'll be staying plan is we're gonna once I get this thing convert Converted it's a it's an old refrigerated semi trailer. I'm converting to get it done Trying possibly rent but preferably buy a small piece of property somewhere cheaper than where we're fucking staying now and put the tiny house on there. I'll stay there for a little while, help everything get set up and then I'll move on to wherever else. Cause yeah, I'm not tied to any of this and I, I want it to be free. I'm only recently off of probation

so I've had to stay in the county for a while yeah what I know I say this every fucking time what is the point of wait you can't leave like you would think it would be the opposite hey part of your probation is get the fuck out of our town yeah yeah you I mean that's what it like what it used to be Right. One of the main punishments was exile just we don't really drop you off on the fucking city limits and you see Your ass come back here cooter. You're fucking yeah much feel full of buckshot So you've been probably only in a few states in your life Exactly. So I've never even flown. Murderous, drunk. Drunken state in Pennsylvania.

Where you're from. So we, yeah, so my sister and I, we did a road trip last November across most, several western states and had a good time. We've gone to, you know, we come to Portland sometimes, but yeah, I've never flown. I've never, uh, so you never been out of the country or nothing. There's, there's a lot left for me in the future. And then, yeah, you're 26 and you're, you already did all the prison shit. Like most people, I just feel like so much of it's backwards. Like I did shit in a weird reverse kind of order. Yeah. It's like those lifts. Have you done this? And it's like road, road a roller coaster off the pops. You know, I check certain boxes. You're gonna lose your virginity and have a baby like when Robert De Niro and Al Pacino just did at 80 years old.

They just both had kids. That's gonna be your virginity. I'll tell you, if you think a drunk old man's annoying, you don't want to be around no screaming baby. There's no rhyme or reason. Well, speaking of that, yeah, I've also I've already fucking sterilize myself surgically. Oh, yeah. That's one of the one of the one of the inspirations here. So one of the get any semen on her hands from something you could like work. Hey, I murdered my father. on our hands from Uncle Pumpkin. Is that something you could like work a,

hey, I murdered my father, so could I get a discount on this vasectomy? Because you don't want more of me, right? You know what? This murdery fucking genes going, getting paid. Yeah, that's bad. It's good for the whole environment. It's something, 50% off, I'll go 50.

You guys should really be paying me at this point. Go fund me. Go fund me once for my dad who went on a bike ride looking for 30,000 to help locate it do you okay in closing do you can you recall your father's final words other than ow ow ow damn that's a fine stick lovely you don't have the balls is that walnut to me I can't remember anything to me it was mostly was the way he was talking to my mother on the phone it was it's probably cunt or something like yeah Yeah, I fucking cunt or something. Yeah, I'm afraid I'll say Sure, I don't maybe make something up

Mm-hmm, and that way when you tell chicks, oh Um, I'd really like to fuck you I just want you to know and then you can say but his final words were and then you have this Shakespearean thing that she goes, oh, I'm gushing between my legs. Oh, his final words were, you're only killing me because... See, that's all you do. You get the beginning.

Right, yeah. You can write the rest on the train ride. Something about the size of my penis. It doesn't have to be complicated. Yeah, yeah, your dad said, I can't believe my big dick son's doing this. Precisely. I knew when you were born with a bigger dick than me that we'd come to blows one day.

I knew this would happen. Yes. Now I know she's running around with a black guy. My son couldn't possibly be swinging that much meat. Oh, yeah, that was that was a common thing. I just so many times have to tell my. I imagine I haven't had to face that kind of a thing, but I would imagine women who are attracted to guys just because they have a big dick are weirder than the ones

who would want to hang out with you because you murdered somebody. Possibly. Well, different flavors of weird, I suppose. R? Cheers. I lost my drink. That's all right. It's a pleasure to have you here.