The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DAY 08 - #TinCanRehab

Episode Date: February 25, 2015

DAY 08A daily podcast following Doug's self-imposed rehab to quit smoking. Today was not a great day.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded Feb 24, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille).Links-Resort Rescue, Nude & Rude - http://bit.ly/1ahCbx0Tig Nataro at the Rialto in Tucson Feb 25, 2015 - http://bit.ly/1vxQreu Skyline Comedy Club -http://skylinecomedy.com/event.cfm?id=372418Junior Stopka- http://juniorstopka.com/Andy Andrist -http://andyandrist.net/ Intro music "30 Days In The Hole" by Humble Pie. Closing song “Sequestered In Memphis” by The Hold Steady. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

8 days in the hole completed and yeah you know, you'll be happy to know, today was not a good day for me. It was not. No problem, nothing, just fucking miserable. But I'm better now. Actually, I'm in a better mood than when I woke up. So yesterday, when I was saying, oh, I should do a day podcast when I'm all fucking happy, and then I

wasn't just naturally exuberant like I've been other days today, and I fucking sucked the wind out of my sails. Plus, it was cold as shit. I woke up. That fucking trailer is difficult to just hang out in. I mean, I sleep great in there when I'm sleeping. And it's cold, but I got a heater in there.

And I have to go outside to pee like an old farmer in my fucking Long Johns, walk across a slab in my stocking foot, and go piss in the fucking crevasse between that and the dirt mound that's about to avalanche down over that thing. And, yeah, I woke up, and I had to piss a couple times. And then when the sun started coming up, it didn't really sun, but light. It started to get light. It got fucking colder.

And it just get colder and colder. The more, oh, the sun's going to come in. I won't need this dumb space heater. And yeah, it just sucked. And then it got fucking menacing clouds. And then I just started hitting Delta and Expedia. That's my default thing that I do is where the fuck. I'll just fly somewhere, even if I'm not going to leave the airport, even if I'm just doing a crazy flight, just to fly around,

just to get out when it gets depressing weather like that. I didn't care about like ruining the the uh the sanctity but you know what tomorrow when we do word of the day because i already have today's word of the day that comes off of yesterday but yeah the the i don't want to ruin the the whatever of this the 30 days in the whole thing by not being here to podcast. But again, it's a plane. I found a flight and right now I kind of wish I kept it and didn't cancel it. Because when you book, you can cancel within 24 hours. And this morning I found, because Singapore is supposed to be the nicest airport.

Every time they list the best airports in the world, Singapore is always number one or number two. So I go, let me check Singapore. And if I flew out of Phoenix, for $1,500, I found a flight that would go from Phoenix to Seattle, Seattle through Narita and Tokyo, Tokyo to Singapore. I'd have six hours in that airport to go goof off. They have 24-hour bars at Terminal 1, I believe.

Terminal 1 is where Delta flies in. 24-hour bar? Harry's Bar, yeah. I went to the – Shanghai is the airport. I went to the airport website. It tells you everything that's open. They have a 7-Eleven in there, 24 hours. And they have a fucking Burger King.

Fuck you, Burger King. If I were like an ISIS leader, I would say firebomb these cocksuckers. If I haven't gone off on tangents, well, I'll do it again. They fucking monopolize everywhere. There's no competition. Well, isn't that smart from Burger King's standpoint? Not when you're fucking. No, I have to fly in there.

Not for you. I know. It's sure it's smart because you suck. You suck shit. You're a shameful enterprise. Crack dealers, they monopolize in places that they don't have mushrooms readily available. People still want to get high and avoid their dullard lifestyle.

Hang on, there's a dog at the door. He's going to just... So, yeah, there's this Burger King the dera he's gonna just so yeah there's this burger king there they also have a subway point being i bought the ticket knowing that i could cancel right up until the last minute and the weird thing is that you can get good prices booking last minute shit to weird places if you have the kind of time I had today where I spent three hours just making up. All right.

Where else can you go? What time? Singapore. What time was this in the morning? I would have left this morning at like seven Oh five. What time were you looking it up? Right around between. I don't know.

I was up at four 30 in the morning. So it was before the dawn. It was light out. Just like seven to nine. I don't know. Somewhere in there. I know I had booked it by nine o'clock. I had already bought the morning. So it was before the dawn. It was light out. Just like seven to nine. I don't know. Somewhere in there. I know I had booked it by nine o'clock. I had already bought the ticket.

That's when I saw you. Yeah. So it was like seven between seven and nine. I was just or six and nine. I'm just plugging away. Just random places that would be warm or fun to go to for Singapore. I wouldn't leave the airport. So I wouldn't I I wouldn't be able to smoke cigarettes.

That's the fucking key narita tokyo they might have a smoking section but i wouldn't know where it is point being we have a fucking singapore has a swimming pool in terminal one at chengi airport however you pronounce it i want to go to this airport i'd spend a day there i'd do a whole tom hanks thing where i'm the russian guy locked in an airport for a month because it's fucking cool they have a swimming pool they have a crown plaza attached to it i think i just heard bill burr talking about that swimming pool you can't go to it you can't even look at it fucking bill burr has not been to fucking singapore just got done doing a tour in singapore bullshit singapore new zealand australia india he went to

uh mumbai are you fucking kidding? No. What a dick. See, if you go back out on the road, then you can listen to Bill Burr again. I have not listened to him since we got off the road on Halloween. It was the day before Halloween, whatever it was. You should find out about that pool, because I would hate to see you get thrown in jail in Singapore,

going there just to see the pool. Fucking Bill Burr is already talking about goddamn Singapore airport. I don't know. He went to check out the pool specifically to see the pool. I don't know if it was there or a hotel, but they would not let him go up there. All right. How dare you listen to the Bill Burr podcast behind my back?

What do you mean? Anyway, point is, I canceled the fucking ticket. Are ticket are you happy oh it was going to be great it was going to be like 26 hours of travel out and 28 backs of 54 hours and then you know a little more with the layovers no layover longer than like five and a half hours uh which is the main one in singapore and then back and the only only reason I canceled, the main reason was Phoenix. If it was out of Tucson, I would have jumped on that. You'd be gone right now. Yeah.

And then I'd be doing quiet podcasts with that little travel recorder you gave me. You can't do them on planes. We tried that once. Well, since then, we've gotten a little bit better equipment, but you're right. We'd have to tweak it. Well, with the white noise and then having to whisper, because I'm not going to be a dick yelling on a plane.

I'm not going to be the guy that I've complained about. But there's plenty of time during layovers and six hours in the middle of the night, landing at one in the morning and flying out at 630. Yeah, I can find a quiet corner in the Singapore airport to crank out 15 minutes. So instead of spending $1,500 and flying to Singapore and burning 56 hours, you put on a hoodie. No, I took a Xanax and went to bed. I finally fucking get some sleep sleep i slept for two or three hours canceled the flight but then because phoenix was the deal breaker on that because tucson flying out of tucson is like flying out of safeway it is the most convenient like in out experience it's like an empty fucking walmart there's no lines ever there's a it's it's

beautiful and it's an hour and 45 minutes away and parking is three dollars a day or 350 a day for i've left my car there for two months there's nothing like yeah uh phoenix different story it's like in a shitty neighborhood. So if you're going to get a hotel because it was going to be seven in the morning, I would have had to go up at night. It's three and a half hours to the airport. And then parking is just city prices and shitty hotel, you know, fucking crack neighborhood. Van Buren, transvestite hooker. Yeah, that's right around the airport area

so so i said fuck that then i started looking at where can i go from tucson and i really want to go to the maldives or the maldives however you pronounce it i've always said maldives but that doesn't mean it's the right way uh whatever it is this fucking thing's sinking because of global warming oh yeah my friend cleo pascalao Pascal, she's a writer and a journalist up in Canada and a Jew. And I've known her for 20 years. And she did this whole series for the Canadian public radio about the smallest nations in the world. So she knows like the fucking king of Tonga. And she knows all these people.

And she's like, you should go to these places and Maldives is one of them. And I saw a documentary. Did you see that one? Yeah. Yeah. The guy, the guy's the president is like standing up to his waist view what is going to happen in the next 10 years or not even that. Yeah. Well, that's one where I found it was pricier.

It's like twenty three hundred bucks. Yeah. But a lot of miles had get a lot of miles out of it. True. And it would be a really funny airport pub crawl hashtag because I'd be the connections were really fucked up. And that was the problem. One problem. It wasn't going to be a mile grab.

It wasn't going to be just like Singapore where you never leave an airport. If I go to the Maldives, I'm there for a week and I'm going to be like Maho. We're going to get one of those. What do you call the boats with the side thing? It's going to be like Maho. We're going to get one of those. What do you call the boats with the side thing? The catamaran with some kid and where they scooped out a log and he's going to take me to some little thatch hut.

Who do you think you're talking to right now? What? You're so full of shit. I would do that. You would not do that. I would only do that because I'm doing fucking rehab. I would like take me away from all the fucking cigarettes and the booze and just put me in a thatch hut with three books sure i can drink why i've been doing it here you've been doing it here i go through literally a gallon of milk in 48 hours i just chug fat-free milk that

gallon of milk that's still in there half full is the shit we bought at douglas in walmart was that two weeks ago it's fucking expired and it's still half full. I've been drinking water. I've been drinking green tea. Yes, I would do that. That doesn't mean you're going to find a catamaran, and you're going to... Listen, the point is...

Yeah, I would, because I'd call fucking Cleo Pascal, and she would have the fucking king pick me up at the airport. Oh, the king catamaran. The fucking Maldives. Not just the pedestrian catamaran. The fucking Maldives. Not just the pedestrian catamaran. He probably had some stepkid. Oh, there's a king catamaran. Then I will take the trip.

He probably had some stepkid that hollows out logs and makes them into fucking catamarans in case. The fucking island is sinking. Do you think that they don't have a lot of logs that are made into rowboats and shit by now? Everything's on a catamaran out there. Whatever it is. I don't even have wiki-tiki-tavi.

Riki-tiki-tavi? No, it's a Wikipedia version. Whatever. The point being is I would do something like that. Here's the problem. This is why I'm not on my way to the Maldives in Mali. on my way to the Maldives in Mali, flying into Mali tomorrow,

is every flight goes through the Middle East. Oh. Every flight on Expedia, every flight is not one that you don't have a connection through either Abu Dhabi or Dubai. Wait, so you're flying east the whole way? Yes. To the Maldives? Right. Everything I found was going east, and yeah, you're going through

fucking Etihad, however you pronounce it, Etihad Airways, or something. Etihad, I don't know. It's fucking, yeah. And so I'm paranoid, naturally. So I Google American detained Abu Dhabi airport.

And yep, it was an airport incident. But some 70-year-old dude, a lecturer, a doctor in November was just there on a speaking tour. And goofing around just took a picture of a no photography sign in the embassy zone. He's still in prison. Really? Yeah. There was a kid and like a 19 year old kid who lived in Minneapolis and also lived there with his parents or whatever. And he had posted on YouTube, some goof thing, parroting some Abu Dhabi or Dubai teenagers that are.

Arrested him, no charge, held him for five months in prison without charges. They finally let him go and said that he, you know, disrespected the United Arab Emirates from overseas. Which anyone could accuse anyone of that, right? Just that God knows what I have on fucking YouTube. What kind of blasphemy? Fucking behead me at the Cinnabon right in the airport. And then I looked it up.

You have to go, even if you're just connecting, you have to go through their fucking immigration bullshit. You can't just go, well, no, I'm not coming to your stupid country. Their TSA has a metal detector and then a beheading line. Yeah, just fucking lop it off. Sorry, you're in the wrong line. Are you measuring me for a hat? Not at all.

It's kind of like that Sir put your chin down to your chest Really quick you just need to get a Quick measurement Yeah you have to go through Their immigration just to get to your next Gate it's not like Snowden where you can

Just get off the plane in Russia And he's in some kind of Safe haven Embassy of get off the plane in Russia and he's in a, you know, some kind of, uh, safe Haven embassy of, you know, netherworld international waters before he gets on the next plane. No, no, you're fucked.

So, so the middle East is basically, Hey, here's your tweet about, uh, uh, yeah, here's the picture of the prophet Muhammad.

You remember this? that's not my twitter no no no it's not me so yeah that ruined the Maldives they'll be underwater before I there's gotta be a way to get there I was gonna say flights never go west

or you can take something maybe south down into South America and then over no I found nothing west or you can take something maybe south down into South America and then over? No, I found nothing. See, I wish we had a map here. There's got to be something. I didn't look that long. You could fly to Africa. Like hit Johannesburg again

and then maybe... I'm not leaving an airport. Yeah, you wouldn't have to. Cape Town is the only place I go and I thought that would be funny. Even if I stayed, it's still funny as part of the tin can rehab because i would say hey listen retiring and fleeing this business is never complete unless you do a dave chappelle style and just disappear to africa for a while but i have to go to the whitest part which is cape down the only white part that i know of where you don't have to hire bodyguards just to get around safely and not get kidnapped and

have your tongue cut out and sent to your relatives to prove they mean business i don't know that this actually happens this is just what i assume from the picture shows that i've seen you but you did uh the um airport pub crawl two years ago. Didn't you go somewhere? I do it every year. No. Oh, I did one. Yeah, that was the big one was Johannesburg.

Johannesburg, yeah. Here through Atlanta, Johannesburg to Amsterdam to Detroit, Vegas, Salt Lake home. But that was going to be a fucking good one. That was going to Atlanta, Amsterdam, Abu Dhabi. That's a funny place to send pictures if you're getting shit-faced in an airport lounge. They do have cocktails, but it's fucking risky. Only in the airport, though, right? Yeah, but a fucking 70-year-old doctor, a respected guy.

The United Arab Emirates is one of the richest fucking countries on Earth. You'd think they'd go, that's kind of bad press is what you're doing there is arresting a fucking 70 year old doctor and leaving them in prison with no subversive what are they gonna do to me subversive dude hey i have over 200 000 twitter followers who you're gonna behead me they're gonna shit all over your yelp page you fucking assholes the people who who behead other people i want to talk to your manager manager this we're all just doing whatever we want so yeah maybe i'm just being a little bit chicken but at the same time you have to just go sit in a thatch hut as some kid waits for fucking me to throw coins into his catamaran.

He whittles the boat and cleans my fish. It's not worth it. It's not worth risking a beheading. I'm trying to remember when we've ever stoning. That's way worse. Oh, yeah. Stoning. Even if it wasn't to death.

If it was just stoning for like five minutes like people chucking rocks at you for five minutes i would just i would be terrified of a guy that throws like me throwing rocks at me like a fucking left-handed fat girl and they're bouncing and then it's just grazing my temple the corner of a brick just grazes me, and it just scrapes. That's a fucking scrape. I'm buried up to my neck in the sand, and then they thud right at your feet, and I get a brick laying on top of my head. It bounced twice and then somehow laid on top of my head, and now I'm just humiliated.

Like you want one to knock you out, because then you'll take the rest of the punishment. No, no, no gravel. You're not throwing a handful of gravel hoping one of them hits me like splatter shot, blunderbuss, fucking birdshot. You fucking get a man to throw. Is there a man here that can throw? I'd be like a dunk tank guy. You're throwing your head into the oncoming shots just to create more velocity.

That would be a funny way to do it. Do it like dunk tank. If you're going to stone someone to death, you filthy fucking Muslims, do it dunk tank style. Have someone who throws like me go first to the point where the guy's upset. Come on. Come on. Where's the real man?

Come on. Hit me right in the face. Hi, you're a hero, big man. You want to impress that girl? You want to impress a girl with a sheet over her face? Yeah, hit me right in the face huh hi you're a hero big man huh you want to impress that girl you want to impress a girl with the sheet over her face yeah hit me right in the fucking head with a big one get it get it over quick or are you too cheeky muslim i got your fucking prophet muhammad right here puppetry of the penis right here oh you can't hit me no i definitely can't go through fucking abu dhabi yeah you just ruined that one sealed the deal jeeps i feel fucking great well i'm on my uh i'm uh second cocktailing right now there's a

bud light just because we're podcasting in a hurry but uh yeah i've been doing uh this is the second night we actually went out to uh dinner here in town at the Bisbee Grill. It's called something else now, but the new name is stupid, and I don't recognize it. So I just call it by the old name, the Bisbee Grill. And it's kind of a touristy kind of place to go. But I thought of all the places in town to go. I like this whole idea of doing the old-fashioned drinks.

In fact, specifically tonight, an old-fashioned. Chaley and I had old-fashions down at the Bisbee Grill. And that's the only bar in town that would cater to and hire a bartender that has to know how to make a Singapore sling or a Tom Collins or a whiskey sour. So we went there and, uh, cause we don't care if we off the bartender by making a muddle Maraschino

cherries and orange slice. Yep. And it was fucking, he didn't give that look either. Like when you order a blended drink or like something that's going to take some time that someone might have to look something up for one of the ingredients. He didn't give that kind of, what did you want? Oh, an old-fashioned?

Let me see if we have cherries. Some bullshit thing like that. Because we're sitting with Tracy, who for 12, 16 years, never muddled one drink. Yeah. Blender's broken. Sorry. What else you want? Nothing?

Okay. And that's the kind of bars we have in Bisbee, except for the Bisbee grill. Pretty much every bar is a, you know, all right. If, if you can name the ingredients in the drink,

I can make it. Can I get a vodka and cranberry juice? Okay. I can. Is that what? Yeah. Vodka and cranberry. Got it.

But you start, you know, I want to sex on the beach you're like fuck you well i remember when i was that's why i hate bar rescue when they try to like i know they have to teach them all these drinks because your sponsors are fucking smirnoff bar rescue product place possible yeah they're fucking it's an infomercial that's it has a basic porn script. But otherwise, it's an infomer. It's 30 minutes of Kitchen Impossible,

that fucking chinless nothing, Robert Irvine. Again, someone I've had to force myself to not tweet and email occasionally when I see that show. He wears these over, too tight shirts, always the same shirt since that show. He wears these over, like too tight shirts. Always the same shirt since that show has been on the air for fucking five seasons. It's always like a cotton. It's a black.

It's a blend though. It's like a spandex cotton blend. It's an Under Armour kind of polo shirt that's too tight. And he's this old, he looks like a predator pedophile Nazi. He's chinless with this giant nose and overworked out and this way too small shirt. And he's despicable. He's married to some fucking world wrestling fake-titted whore. Like real world wrestling?

Yeah, she's in one of the WWF thing. Well, no wonder he... He's more of a fraud. He's married to a world wrestling person, and he's more of a fraud. How diminishing. And that thing is, he drives a Lexus. And if you count, if you watch Kitchen Impossible or Restaurant Impossible and drink every time

they force a fucking Lexus logo or like, okay, I just got to get in the trunk and they push the button. It's showing you the accessories of a Lexus. Oh, okay. All right. And then he has a fucking...

Oh, he's awful. Wow. I know. Your hatred runs deep for this guy. I've been trying to. I have these recorded. It's my just dumb it down or get angry shows. And part of my rehab.

This is part of my treatment is just deleting those shows. Bar Rescue. Since I've done it, he's hooked me just like fucking dr drew he had me on the show i don't know when that's coming out god knows how they'll paint me because i was pretty fucked up for that and i think he knew it bar rescue yeah with uh john taffer john taffer oh yeah i'm gonna wait to talk in deep depth about this until it actually airs. Still haven't fucking paid me, assholes. Yeah, I won't fucking let that go, Bar Rescue.

Fucking I'm union. That shit airs without my fucking getting a paycheck. I don't care. Union minimum. It's the principle of the thing. Shut this show down until I get paid. Nobody, nobody is getting uh anyway you can kill someone well not really uh what was the point i think i lost a lot of points here i was going in a direction

bisbee grill yeah whatever yeah so we've been drinking these drinks that was oh yeah we had the uh the old fashions and you're drinking beer now i'm i'm doing margaritas because i got uh i haven't hit tequila yet uh so i i'm gonna do margaritas but old-fashioned style none no margarita mix actual juice uh scratch margarita they call it right yeah yeah we can go cadillac i have one of these pint glasses from the 50s it has all the uh ingredients how to make it's Juice? Scratch margarita, they call it. Right. Yeah. We could go Cadillac. I have one of these pint glasses from the 50s. It has all the ingredients. How to make, if you spin the glass around, all right, this is how you make a daiquiri. Like a dummy bartender glass.

Yeah, a Tom Collins. I'm going to be drinking Tom Collins this week. Maybe a Singapore sling if we can find out where to get Dom. What was it called? Francisco. Something. That's it. Franciscan no no it's something that doesn't exist anymore well then no we can't get a dictine oh benedictine it's a french don't you put that on cuts french herbal liqueur oh that's back teen

yeah we could probably live make the anyway we yeah we're going to be drinking weird drinks this week. Since we're in the second week, why don't you give the drink out for tomorrow? I don't know. Well, because I don't know what it is yet. If you told me earlier to decide, why are you going to drink with us? No, they can't drink with us because they don't get the fucking podcast till the day after that. No, but they're good at getting these out, by the way. They're out every day all right

well yeah we're gonna cut this one short the same way all of them should be and it's probably not even short what is it fucking 26 minutes god damn it how do you do a 15 minute podcast that was the whole plan was to do 10 or 15 minutes a day you haven't done that yet never never even close this is going to be the first one you get into like like, you get into a little mood, you get going and then you start talking and it's great. All right. Hey, let's, let's take a quick break so I can tell you. Hey, are you some kind of a new business guy and you want to sound like you have a legitimate

business, but you're really like live out of your car and you sell soap door to door or you sell magazine subscriptions and you change your socks you live in the walmart parking lot you crank open the door and you just you're sitting in your boxer shorts and you're peeling off your socks and then flapping them out and then putting them on inside out so like uh trying to get two days out of a fucking one day pair before you go knock on more doors but you want to sound like a legitimate business you still have fucking lily tomlin answering your phone calls to some like pay operator you have a pager but you want to sound legitimate like you have a real office well fucking i don't know what to tell you all right mailing list at dougstandup.com all the shit's there i get a fuck that's one thing i have to

do at my website is actually look at it for the first time in years i've been reading my old archives i'm up to 2007 hopefully that inspires me to write some shit but uh yeah if you have problems the fuck hey if you have a question get on the mailing list yeah yeah yeah uh just do it fucking take fucking five seconds we could do the more people that are on there if i had all the people that i have on facebook and twitter and myspace if you just half of you would sign up for the mailing list, we could torture some souls out there. We could do some really weird shit.

And yeah, I've got to figure out how to be a cult leader. Was there a good cult leader book? I've read Scientology, Jonestown. I need to fucking read up on the good cult leaders of our day. So, well, you were talking about earlier. What? About the mailing list and us pulling some pranks and letting the people. Shit, I had a fucking thought right there.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah. God damn it. No, you weren't mailing lists. Oh, no, I was going to say, if you have questions, like, this is uh we're in day nine doing the day eight podcast but that means there's several more podcasts like this do you have any questions because i don't want to just keep pounding away on yeah i'm not really drinking and i'm not smoking whatsoever and fuck tv if you gave me a choice TV and cigarettes would be a lot of times.

I'm more drawn to like, oh, it doesn't matter. I can just go lay on the couch this morning at 430 in the morning. It's cold out there. I don't feel like reading. It's really odd for me to go into the main house in the morning when you're not in the trailer and to not see that TV on and you on that couch. I don't even check the bedroom. That's where you were taking a nap.

It's weird not fucking getting hammered and having people over. I figured you were gone. How weird it is to have the house stay clean. I mean, my version of clean. Yeah. Dog house clean, but clean for that many days because you're not fucked up and having a bunch of people over and having to pick up cases of beer cans and shit and let's make a pizza it's fucking 3 30 in the morning and no one can really and no one eats it it's there

in the morning but all the we'll put our own toppings on it there's eight cans of black olives and green chilies and shit spread all over it yeah it didn't get eaten until bingo woke up at 8 30 in the morning and just started gnawing on the crust yeah okay so there's that please get on the mailing list so you want them shit around i yeah i get i get a in the back of my head think that i'm not becoming absolutely irrelevant by the minute. Every second, I'm not on the road. That was the whole point. And when I say that I'm in rehab and I'm retired, you know this is the problem. You know it's tongue-in-cheek and with an asterisk.

But the problem is three people on the Chinese telephone away go, I heard you're retired i get the fucking tweets and emails fuck you tell me that you're not for real you're retired because that would break my heart i've never seen you live uh you're in rehab man hey like good luck because sobriety man it's i'll tell you no it's not you just listen to the fucking podcast you'll understand sobriety you're discussing the two drinks a night. I know. And so it's been usually three.

I still cheat. Fuck you. Baileys and coffee will never be a cocktail in any world. I'm sorry. It's just not. And you're a fucking, you're a sad, frail, anorexic woman if you say that, that it is. No, it's not. Okay.

This Bud Light didn't even matter didn't count the point is i have not been drunk in fucking eight and a half goddamn days and i know the difference we pushed it pretty close on you want to see fucking drunk you want to see problems occur that you go you know what every now and then like you'll walk into a show you have no idea when when it comes to live entertainment you never know what's going to happen well you know what with comedy generally 80 of the time you do know what's going to happen he's going to do the same set as he did the night before and this is a show i can guarantee you, you will witness fucking problems. Things go awry.

Might not be good. If you don't like that kind of thing, I don't know how your head works, where you go, well, I would rather see a polished show than see Andy Andrist and Junior Stopka on the same bill in Appleton, Wisconsin. This is the last time I'll plug this, or maybe I'll plug it tomorrow. Who knows? I don't know. March 12, 13, 14 at the Skyline Comedy Club.

If you're anywhere near Appleton, Wisconsin. Hey, AJ Hawk fucking someone tweet at AJ Hawk and tell him to retweet the show and fucking AJ Hawk, you go to the goddamn show. And I won't bust your balls about that podcast. We did that. We'll never air that. You cannot air fucking big man on the football field hitting fucking linemen. But you're not so big when it comes to putting out that podcast, which I don't want you to put out. Cause I get a great bit out of that.

Hopefully one day I get back out on the road and milk to death until I put it on a DVD, go see Andy Andrist and junior stop. If you don't know him, look him up. Junior stop. Could just did David tells show. And I'm sure there's a YouTube clip of that as fucking funny as shit. And Andy Andrist is just either the best or worst comic you've ever seen,

depending on the sentence sentence by sentence and they're playing together. And so, yeah, I, and this leads us to our closeout, which is the word of the day. Yesterday, when I plugged this show,

I had nothing other than train wreck it's gonna be a train wreck which i hate saying but i've never sat around for 10 minutes and like all right hey let's let's take this drink and come up with fucking other expressions for train wreck sometimes i do that like back in the when i had to do terrestrial radio i'd sit and I'd go, all right, let me just write down five things. Cause I I'll generally go to,

oh, that's bullshit, but I can't say bullshit. So just have something funnier other than saying third grade words. Like, uh, that's BS. Don't say BS.

Have something. That's just funny to say. Uh, that's a load of melanoma. Whatever you say, just don't say BS or cocky or ding dong. Trainwreck is one of those. And do you know what that is? That's the word of the day.

That is called a bromide. Let me read specifically what the Roger's Thesaurus of words for intellectuals, a gift from at Mr. Hennigan bromide, a cliche or tired saying used to express an idea without any thought or originality. That's right. A bromide is a tired saying used to express an idea without any thought or originality

like it's a train wreck and the worst are people who use a bromide and then do the full like they just thought like it's coming off the top of their head where they go you know what it's it's like watching uh like a car wreck where you don't want to look, but you have to. You know what I'm saying? You're not just coming up with this. Stop. Wheelhouse right now is one.

It's like you don't want to look, but what? But you have to, right, you fucking asshole? So, yes. Another one. Wheelhouse is the one I was. Oh, yeah, that's yours. Jesus, right? You fucking asshole. So, yes. Another one. Wheelhouse is the one I was. Oh, yeah, that's yours. Jesus, I can't stand it. Bingo's is at the end of the day.

I don't know if that's so much of a bromide. Yeah, I guess it would be. The same. At the end of the day, it's the other one. And it's the reason I had it. Not the only reason the other reason was the show sucks but celebrity apprentice i would watch because there's always someone you want to see like i really if i were not on the road i would have watched this season just for

gilbert gottfried yeah i didn't see any of it but the amount of times drinking game thrown under the bus. I'm sure every reality show like that has. Well, you know, and then they threw me under the bus. I'm sure a survivor thrown under the bus has said a million. Yeah. Use that. That's the bromide drinking game. Remember bromide spelled like it sounds. I would have said if you said what's bromide, I would have said a seltzer, a seltzer water from the 30s.

No, it's a fucking tired cliche for unimaginative cocksuckers. You bromide spewing. You spew bromides to the point that they're soporific. All right, we're going to fucking get them. Yeah, learn from this podcast. Don't just turn into a miserable faroosh like myself. I'm having to look down every time that I wrote

them all down. Stultifying with my vocabulary. I'm trying to remember them. It's like Merlin. You got them all. What? what Merlin wasn't it Merlin Simon Simon whatever all right that's a podcast you know

I'm gonna I'm gonna close you out I'm gonna gonna go basic with you because I have someone's saved up I have some fucking good songs to close out I'm gonna have to dig deep to get 20 more but all right we're gonna close out. I'm going to have to dig deep to get 20 more. But all right, we're going to close out on

wait before we close out tomorrow night, which is the day you're hearing this, which is Wednesday the 25th of February. Oh, fuck. I get a Tignitaro is at Tucson, Rialto. I get a tweet and Facebook that

right now for tomorrow which is for you listeners today uh uh if you're bored and hanging out or just uh dvr it is uh uh travel channel they have what they call resort rescue and it's filmed in bisbee with and a buddy of mine's on it for some reason, Alex O'Mara. And I think he's probably been on the podcast. Yeah. A couple of times. Yeah.

Author. Yes. So yeah, watch that on travel channel. It's probably a piece of shit. And hopefully I'm going to fucking ditch out on my, I don't watch TV for 30 days. That I'll make an exception for that because I want to fucking tweet it and go, this is fucking nonsense.

That's bullshit. Lie, lie, lie. Cause I've never heard of the show and I'm assuming it's all fucking garbage and lies and, you know, reediting.

And, uh, and so, yeah, watch that with me. If, uh, if you're up say seven o'clock or something,

I don't fucking Google it. It's resort rescue on travel channel on Wednesday, February 25th. Episode Nude and Rude. All right. So let's close out with. All right. We're going to go vaguely after what we did. What's going to be last night?

And this one's kind of probably middle of the road. It's a good rock and roll song. I learned from Joe Vernon hooked me up with this band long after everyone else was aware of them and uh uh it's the hold steady sequestered in memphis crank it up Thank you. It started when we were dancing It got heavy when we got to the bathroom We didn't go back to her place We went to some place where she can't sit She said I know I look tired

But everything's fried here in Memphis Now they wanna know exactly which bathroom Dude, does it make any difference? It can't be important Yeah, so tell my story again We'll be right back. After this interview Sabrina In Texas Sequestered In Memphis Sabrina

In Texas Sequestered In Memphis I think she drove a new Mustang I guess it might be a ransom I remember she had a satellite radio I guess she seemed a bit nervous Do you think I'm that stupid?

What the hell, tell the story again In far light, she looked alright In the daylight, she looked desperate That's the right, I was desperate too I'm getting pretty sick of this interview Subpoenaed in Texas Sequestered in Memphis Subpoenaed in Texas

Sequestered in Memphis Subpoenaed in Texas Sequestered in Memphis Subpoenaed in Texas Sequestered in Memphis Subpoenaed in Memphis Texas sequestered in Memphis Texas sequestered in Memphis Texas sequestered in Memphis We're Texas, the cluster, and the fist

We're Texas, the cluster, and the fist