The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Day 09 - #TinCanRehab
Episode Date: February 26, 2015DAY 09A daily podcast following Doug's self-imposed rehab to quit smoking. A debt is paid and a cranky Stanhope emerges.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorde...d Feb 25, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille).Links-DOUG STANHOPE CELEBRITY DEATH POOL - https://dougstanhopescelebritydeathpool.com/RENEGADE HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES - http://amzn.to/1FvYJn3RESORT RESCUE ON THE TRAVEL CHANNEL - http://www.travelchannel.com/shows/resort-rescueCOPPER QUEEN HOTEL - http://copperqueen.com/KILL PRETTY MAGAZINE - http://www.killprettymagazine.com/Resort Rescue, Nude & Rude - http://bit.ly/1ahCbx0 Intro music "30 Days In The Hole" by Humble Pie. Closing song “Paradise Garage” by Tim Curry. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Happy days are here again.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen.
We're back in the fun house.
Hey, sorry about last night.
I told you to tune in for that resort rescue,
some kind of bar rescue knockoff,
which is a knockoff of seven other fucking programs.
But it was featuring the Copper Queen Hotel here in Bisbee
with some of my friends on it.
And I told you to set that on the Travel Channel Resort Rescue for 7 o'clock tonight.
Well, it was fucking 7 o'clock this morning is when it was on.
So I have it recorded.
I didn't watch it.
I was first run.
Yeah.
It's 7 a.m.
You know, you have a quality program when you're on fucking triple digit channel, fucking
travel channel, and you're premiering at 7 a.m that's when your show premieres not to mention you're in bisbee
looking to complain about it right a resort so i was gonna i was gonna break my uh 30 days of no
television part where i just keep rewriting rules all the time you know bailey's and coffee no that
doesn't count as one of my cocktails i can have a fucking bailey's coffee that doesn't count ever and i added hard cider to that list today
of things i didn't even have one but i saw one in the fridge and go you know what you can have
a hard cider because that's when i'm drinking normally i drink fucking hard cider if you walk
into a restaurant and all your friends are there having like uh yeah they're out for lunch and
having some lunch cocktails and they go oh you want to want to have a drink? And you go, ah, fuck. If I
start drinking now and you do your math, if you're anything like me, you go, no, I can't because I
have to drink tonight. And if I start drinking now, I will won't stop. But if I have a hard cider,
I can have a hard cider and that's not going to kick me into fucking high gear.
Hey, we're off to the races.
I'll have a hard cider and go, oh, that was a Red's Apple Ale.
No, never will count against my fucking cocktail quota.
A social drink.
Right.
You can't have more than two of those anyway.
So I guess you could, but you'd have to do it on dare.
That's all I'm saying is all so uh that's that sorry uh resort rescue i was only gonna break stride to watch that so i could live
tweet it and go that's bullshit i know that guy hey that lady's nice and uh but there's no sense
in doing it now uh or maybe i will just so I can bitch about it on the podcast.
But you don't want to call attention to a fucking show that stinks.
Maybe I will watch it.
If I desperately need something to talk about on the podcast,
I'll watch it, and then I'll write down a bunch of notes.
You can still tweet it whenever you do catch it.
If you catch it live.
Yeah.
Well, you know, run know run not yeah well that's
what i was thinking like watching resort rescue just because my friend's on it who's also quitting
smoking alex o'meara quitting smoking yep for lent remember him he's the fucking catholic
did we podcast out or did we just we've a million nights we've gotten shit faced and then just
you know you did you did a whole podcast with
with alex though because you talked about his dad in bisbee and uh and i'm sure we brought up the
catholicism or maybe we didn't maybe we cut him a break it's one of those like it just goes down
like when there's one black guy there and like you get it always devolves if you get drunk enough
then you start like bringing them pulling out the race card the other way the opposite way
shawnee can't spend a drunken night here without someone you know throwing out some kind of uh
creative uh racial infective
uh so yeah so maybe i watch it maybe I don't. I don't, yeah.
I want to, everything I want to know about,
like I'm on the internet.
I waste as much time, I realize, on the internet. Just searching for flights yesterday.
I must have spent two hours.
Killing the same time, uncreative time.
So now I'm kind of working myself on the internet.
All right, is this something creative? Is this something that needs to be done? Is this business? All right. If you check an email
tweets right before the podcast, all right, check some tweets. If you want to respond to someone,
but don't just sit there and fucking refresh and newser to see if anything did Bobby Christina die.
She has to die by Saturday or everyone in the death pool is fucked out of a lot of fucking great points
she's only like what 23 or
something and she's got a black person
during Black History Month those bonus
points are sweet sure
most people have her but we get rid of all
the dead weight that didn't have her if she dies
before the 28th
is done so go die
Bobby Christina Brown
die peacefully go into the yes die peacefully quickly is done. So go die, Bobby Christina Brown. Die! Peacefully
go into the light. Yes, die peacefully!
Quickly!
Before the 28th. There's no
leap year. Just so you know, no leap year,
Bobby. You think, oh, just tough out
one more day. Don't!
Not helping anyone.
No. You die in March, it's
25 less points.
So that's that.
I was cranky.
I actually taped this podcast once, and I didn't like it.
It says all cranky and doing that throwaway.
We don't even, I haven't said it.
This whole thing stinks.
Why do you even listen to this?
I was doing one of those.
We were talking about this last night where, you know,
Bill Burr doesn't fucking edit his podcast.
He just talks till he's done and then puts it out immediately.
And I go, that's what we need to do.
Just because the fact that Chaley is going to edit anything gives me that safety.
No, when you're on stage, you don't go, you know what?
Fuck this.
Let's just let's try the whole thing again.
Let's just dump that whole set.
Oh,
there's been nights.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
There's,
there's been nights.
We basically say that,
but yeah.
So I,
I need to train myself to do this without assuming Chaley will fix it all
afterwards.
Let me get some,
uh,
thank yous out of the way.
Uh,
yeah.
Lots of letters and postcards
that are either supportive or violently slanderous.
Yeah, so thank you for all the cards and emails.
Kill Pretty Magazine, get your magazine.
Thank you.
I'd love to do an article.
It's Kill Pretty.
It's the, what's it called?
Unsuitable periodical.
They call it 18 and up, which I think, honestly, when I just skimmed through the magazine,
when you say it's 18 and up, I think it's probably 18 to a maximum of 20.
You have at least 85 pages in there of graffiti, but it's a slick looking magazine and I'm
starting to peruse it.
And you're right. Yes. Now that you caught me in the fucking trailer with nothing to do. Yes,
I probably will read it. And, uh, uh, thank you for that. And I, your stickers are on my trash can.
I used to have my giant trash can, like the 80 gallon or whatever it is. The one you pull out
to the curb. Yeah. It used to be covered with every sticker I got from every band. And, uh,
curb. Yeah, it used to be covered with every sticker I got from every band
and
then that whole thing
got trashed. So I had to start
over and I have Kill Pretty stickers on my
trash can. On the new one, you're the
first stickers on there. So thank you and
I'll do that interview.
What's that?
Their web address is KillPrettyMagazine.com
Oh, KillPrettyMagazine.com. Oh, killprettymagazine.com.
You could have just said that rather than maybe look from my reading glasses.
This is great.
A couple people mailed or emailed about why my website is blocked at your job
and how to fuck with it and deal with it.
And a couple people people got real technical and
I just send them to Chaley. But the one life hack I gleaned from it is if you're trying to get on my
website from work, the simple way to start is to just instead of HTTP, do HTTPS with the rest of
it the same. And that will usually skirt a web block or site block.
So yeah, do that.
Thank you, guys.
And this was cool.
Where's that fucking email?
Ba-ba.
With the $100 bill.
There you go.
I think I must have referred to him on the podcast
when we first started the rehab thing,
but I know I mentioned about Loud to Chaley because it was just one of those.
I I fucking snap in the morning.
If I if I pick up my laptop and put it on my chest in the freezing cold trailer, just one smart fucky thing.
Yeah, I block about one person a day just out of spite.
Or trash them. You're a fucking retard
What are you talking about you're retarded
Some kid I guess I say kid
Because he had like an anime emoticon
Avatar thing
Like is this Butters
Are you Butters
And
Said I wish
I wanted to buy a t-shirt, but they only
have tour shirts on your website
so I couldn't
buy one. So do you want to buy one of your
personal Haynes Beefy Tees?
I could see the
fucking retard thinking, well, I didn't
see the tour and since they're only tour
t-shirts, I can't buy one.
What the fuck does that even mean?
Wrote back, can I send you guys some artwork?
Because I want to support Greg Chaley.
Make my t-shirt into a shirt.
And I go, what the fuck?
And he goes, because I wasn't on the tour.
I didn't get to see you on my birthday, so I can't buy a tour t-shirt.
I go, that's fucking retarded.
Go fuck yourself.
Oh, you hurt my feelings.
And then I read some of his other tweets,
and he really is a touched soul like butter.
Oh, so you did?
He cried.
Well, yeah, I don't know.
It's just at that hour in the morning, yeah.
If I read it and it irritates me.
You can't control when you're going to read it.
All right, well, this guy, this guy irritated me
because when I, like, second day of the tin can rehab, we posted or tweeted a picture of me inside the trailer or a vine or something.
And this guy goes, I'm willing to bet he's at the Shady Dell, which is a vintage trailer court that you can rent like a hotel.
Friends of ours.
Best place in the world.
The Shady Dell dot com.
Look it up.
And if you're ever in town in Bisbee and you're staying at the Shady Dell and I'm around,
I have agreed I will come have one drink with you at the Shady Dell if you're renting down there.
And so this guy thought, oh, he fucking, he smelled a fly in the ointment.
Well, he's in a trailer.
I'm willing to bet that he's just at the Shady Dell, which is a sponsor of this podcast.
You can Google it.
Oh, you crafty little fucking
Sherlock Holmes you.
First of all,
if I was at the fucking Shady
Dell, what difference does it make
if I'm inside a fucking trailer
for a goddamn month, you
fucking asshole?
I'm still in a fucking trailer.
Not really mine.
Why would I do that?
I'd go, all right, I'm going to be in a fucking,
I would promote the Shady Dell
because they're a sponsor.
If I was at their fucking trailer,
you stupid cocksucker.
So this is what I'm thinking.
And so I just wrote back, oh, you're willing to bet?
All right.
How about you put your fucking money up there, fat mouth?
Et cetera, et cetera.
And evidently, I didn't actually know he responded,
but he did make the bet, and then obviously he lost
since the rest of the fucking pictures and shit have come out
of the trailer on my fucking slab.
Not at theshadydell.com, a sponsor and a dear friend of the podcast,
theshadydell.com.
Come to Bisbee, stay at the Shady Dell.
Stay in a 1950s vintage trailer
made up down to the fucking,
everything from 1950s records
and they have a little drive in it.
It's great.
No kids.
No kids allowed.
Fantastic.
Yeah, so the guy sent a letter in to me at 212 Van Dyke Street,
Bisbee, Arizona, 85603.
Yeah, keep your shit coming.
It fucking amuses me.
He said, Doug, I was challenged to make a bet.
I accepted the challenge and have apparently lost.
In closed, please find the payoff I proposed to you on Twitter.
I wish you success in your rehab efforts.
I have been through it myself, and no, firsthand, it's no joke.
Well, yeah, it is kind of a joke.
First of all, he signs it with warmest regards to Bingo Mike Fatmouth Cosgrove,
a.k.a. his Twitter handle.
And, yeah, so he sent with a $100 bill in there.
Here, hold it up.
We'll put that as the picture. Here, hold it up. We'll put that.
Here, hold it in front of that light.
No, no, no.
In front of the light.
No, this way.
Block the light.
Yeah.
Block the light.
Perfect.
All right.
No, no.
That doesn't work at all.
Stand right.
Don't get near the light.
How about fucking take the picture later?
Stay away from the light.
Why does it have to be in the middle of the podcast?
You take the picture.
Why is that necessary?
Now, that's the picture.
You're yelling.
You're yelling without the $100.
I'm willing to bet he took that picture,
not during the podcast,
but posed in front of a microphone.
I'm willing to double or nothing that $100
that that wasn't even taking
while he's trying to fucking finish his sentence.
He should hold up a USA Today and the $100.
Yeah, so that was...
You know what?
Fucking more of you animals
should be as honest as mike fat mouth cosgrove and fucking when you're when you're a dick on on
twitter and you're wrong send me a hundred dollars that's the that's what any man would do
a real man would just go hey i'm wrong i was the guy with the anime emoticon
default photo on twitter that said he couldn't buy a t-shirt because you weren't actually
at the tour for the tour t-shirt here's a hundred dollars i was a fuckhead oh that was his problem
is that since he didn't since he wasn't he didn't watch a tour, he felt it was kind of a...
It was, like, false advertising
that he was actually a fan that watched the tour.
Yeah, but he baited me like a little fucking 15-year-old girl.
He just put that out there,
like something that doesn't make sense
unless you see what he's going to do.
So he wants you to go,
well, why can't you buy a tour T-shirt?
Little fucking Pac-Man
with puppy dog eyes for a picture oh sicken me
who else oh uh eric salter yes i got your uh shit eric salter a long time gift giver
i got your shit.
I got your text message, Eric.
I didn't text you back
because it took too many fucking thumbs
to reply in kind.
But yeah, I got your package,
the first one,
the one for bingo sitting here.
She hasn't been here to open it.
She's got a project going.
Thank God I'm in a fucking trailer rehab
so I avoid any responsibility helping her
with her project but she hasn't opened the one that just showed up uh but i got that old one
with the he sent me a a ron jeremy like skateboard top with no wheels and chaley tried to explain to
me chaley and harley across the street try to to explain that it's called a deck and it's like,
you don't have to use it as a skateboard.
It's like decorative or like people use it as art.
They take it like as top of a skateboard and they like put it on your wall,
glue it to your wall and add Ron Jeremy on it.
And,
uh,
like,
uh,
but you didn't know who sent it to you.
Yeah.
I thought Ron Jeremy sent it.
Cause he's that kind of,
you know,
whores himself out and he has a million products that nobody wants because
he's as ubiquitous as fucking Kathy Griffin.
He's the Kathy Griffin of porn.
Like Andy day.
He's just everywhere.
Anywhere you can,
he can put his face.
He'll put it there. So there's really no joy in having any Ron Jeremy product when you know he has like any product. If he could put his face on a fucking number two pencil, everything in your house would be Ron even have Ron Jeremy stuff.
If you saw the documentary about Ron Jeremy, it's really fascinating.
And he's one of the cheapest people ever alive, literally getting on a plane where he wouldn't buy luggage.
He just has his stuff in a garbage bag. Like, that's his luggage.
Yes.
A garbage bag. Like why why would you waste the
money he's that fucking cheap like crazy reality show cheap they did a reality show about cheap
people he's one of those people and uh i don't know what my point was now uh i think it was just
to let us get that picture of ron j Jeremy schlepping through an airport with a trash bag.
Yeah.
That's beautiful.
It's a lot.
Yeah.
That's what,
Oh,
that's what I was going to say.
That would be Ron Jeremy.
Like if I could get a trash bag,
like Ron Jeremy trash bag luggage,
that'd be funny.
But yeah,
I have no idea.
So I,
I,
if I haven't regifted the Ron Jeremy skateboard top,
I'm just going, someone said they're skateboard,
but they forgot the wheels.
As though I'd be skateboarding.
But I didn't know that that's something you'd put on your wall.
I think if you sign it, then someone might want it.
We could sell it.
That's another thing.
If you sign it, then someone might want it. We could sell it.
That's another thing.
We're wearing some fucking really shit quality cream to white sport coats.
Kind of sport coats.
They're kind of canvases.
Yours is a poly.
Mine's more of a linen.
We got them at a thrift store in Douglas, Arizona, down the street today.
And just because they were a dollar and we can trash them i could wear
this for the entire fucking rehab and just spill you know gravy all over it and then just throw it
away because it's a piece of shit but i was also thinking should i have we talked about doing
another ebay yard sale you've talked to me about yeah well we haven't talked on the podcast what
is it that was a year ago.
I think this time I was thinking,
should I wait till I actually have a cause to do it for?
Because last time we never actually got a specific,
like the atheist girl.
So we just started just giving out money.
Oh, what to do with the money that you get from giving away clothes.
Before we do another,
because I have tons of fucking good stuff for another yard sale,
including a Ron Jeremy skateboard deck, now that you mention it.
So, yeah, give me your thoughts on that.
Should I just do it and keep it like every year in March?
Or should I wait till I have a specific, all right, a portion of this is going to go to this specific thing?
I don't know.
It is about the time when you do all your cleaning.
So unless you want to keep holding stock on the shelves.
Oh, I have two suit bags full of shit I wore last year.
But that was just that.
We haven't even added in some of the other things like the Ron Jeremy skate deck that will be signed by Mr. Stanhope.
Yeah, you know what?
things like the Ron Jeremy skate deck that will be signed by Mr.
Stan Hope.
Yeah.
You know what?
When you sign the mailing list and I know you will include in there your, your, your, your, your coat size and your pant size.
So we can target specifically the 40 jackets and the 30 where our demo is
lying.
Yeah.
Hey, you get special treatment there for 40 regular.
10 and a half shoe. Oh, we're going to bump you to the top of the list.
The closest you get to a 32 waist, the better your odds and sporting some good, good clothing.
Yeah. And someone bought me a squatty potty. Thank you.
I only know that because I get an email saying that confirmation.
I'm like squatty potty. I don't buy that. I just goofing on him. Oh, I see. I goof like, Squatty Potty?
I don't buy that.
I was just goofing on him.
Oh, I see.
I goofed on him on the podcast.
And yeah, someone else emailed me
after I was goofing on the Squatty Potty,
not getting the whole,
maybe they weren't caught up on the whole,
hey, don't you hate going to the post office?
Me too.
But there's no other choice so just suck it
up and deal with it we don't have sponsors yeah they weren't getting that i heard you talking
about uh shitting normally uh well there's a some kind of device someone made that they sell for
that now and i forget the one you i'm about like explain. I'm about to hit reply and
explain. That's one of my Achilles
heels, my fatal flaws
is I feel a need to explain
the fucking joke to eggheads.
And I like, don't, don't, no.
Just, no one else
does that. No one else goes, um, here, well
you know, actually we started doing this. Fuck
you. Why do you, why would you?
Why would you demean yourself to explain a stupid...
I'm not a fan of myself today.
Kind of fake cranky.
Sometimes you fake cranky.
There's no fake about it.
Fuck off mood.
I called it earlier.
Yeah, yeah.
But as enjoying...
Like, Hennigan is like already like all right yeah
i know you're planning shit for after this but like all right why do i have to fucking talk to
someone now all right all right so yeah so then i was being cunty to him but i don't i have no
problem with the whole thing uh so so that's that yeah you're not even Halfway in
Right now
I just started a fucking
Great book
I know
Ten days
Nine days we've
Completed
And I'm not saying
Ten days right now
Cause I still
I'm smelling that
Fucking emergency cigarette
In the drawer
Right now
I can smell it
Oh the drawer
Just a drag
Yeah
Alright
Yeah
That's where they are
Don't fucking touch
him i've you'll you'll get what bingo got when she smoked one of them yeah that's part of the
fucking dance those two cigarettes having having never been a smoker uh i did say something to
tracy who who did smoke for years and who doesn't smoke now hasn't smoked in like six or seven years
and i said something about your uh your, your safety cigarettes, the two American spirits that are somewhere over there in the house.
And I said,
I'm grabbing those.
And she goes,
you better not.
No.
And she goes,
you don't understand.
And I go,
listen,
I understand.
I would go right to the fucking store right then and buy a fucking pack to
spite you.
I said,
I understand that he's going to want them,
but if they're not there,
she goes,
no,
no,
you don't understand.
One of those is mine.
You know, I can imagine if you if you haven't smoked and especially smoked at my level uh what a cunty thing this
would sound like to you because generally if you're never been a smoker or not a heavy smoker for a long time
you go oh yeah oh he quit smoking so that means he's probably cranky and so the whole idea that
i would fucking move into a fucking trailer for a month would seem silly to you just because i'm
oh i'm gonna be flippant you have no idea and i understand how stupid it would seem to you just because I'm, oh, I'm going to be flippant. You have no idea. And I understand
how stupid it would seem to you. But I've been smoking for 35 years this year since I was 13
and smoking heavily where I, my day revolves around my cigarettes, my social structure.
Like, oh, before I think, can I go there when i'm planning a vacation i oh wait let's
go if we go to costa rica you can smoke which you can't anymore a lot of places but yeah smoking is
like that's fucking that's the pivot of my entire life and i'm like a goat on that fucking pivot
stick and i eat the lawn in a circle. It's completely denuded.
Nothing but scorched earth where you can get to,
and everything else is lush and green.
The podcast is set up in here because this is where I can smoke
and just fucking kill the place,
and it's not going to make all the fucking sheets and clothing
and inside stuff stink.
Yeah, that's where I need to be.
So it is a big deal.
I understand why it wouldn't be to you, but it's a difficult thing.
Not that I'm whining like, oh, you don't understand.
I'm saying, if you're saying I'm a huge cunt,
I understand why you would say that.
I would say that too.
If you were a, whatever your problem is,
you're fucking molested by a fucking uncle.
I don't, yeah, whatever.
I go suck it up.
It's just a finger in you.
What's a fucking big problem?
Fucking 40 years down the line,
you're still going to some counselor.
Yeah, so yeah, I would be that dick.
Maybe there are some serious repercussions. I couldn't understand it myself.
And then all you're thinking is finger. Ooh, that's about the size of a cigarette.
All right. Let's, uh, let's wrap this up. Cause I get a good book. Uh, it's not from a fan. It's
actually from bingo's friend. And it
is a renegade history of the United States by Thaddeus Russell. I'm only eight or nine pages in.
And immediately I went, oh, this is fucking good. It starts out talking about the founding fathers
and quoting John Adams, saying that my biggest fear about winning this war, the Revolutionary War,
saying that my biggest fear about winning this war, the Revolutionary War,
is that Americans don't really deserve freedom because they're piles of shit.
He had you pegged before the fucking war was over,
saying that his biggest fear is that they'll win freedom and Americans because they're all fucking devious and backstabbing and deceitful piles of greedy shit.
He didn't say it that way, but I'm not reading out of the book.
His biggest fear is we'll win freedom for this country
and then these Americans will embarrass us across the globe
because there's these fucking slovenly backstabbing shitbag
fucking ingrates.
It starts out really good.
So Dick Cheney didn't come up with that sentiment?
No, I'm saying
when you go, well, the founding fathers,
you know, how would the founding fathers
feel? They'd feel like you're a bag of shit
for calling into that radio station.
You lump of fucking nothing.
So yeah, I'm going to really, really
enjoy this book. And Chaley's
got a good one. Chaley and I might go
up to the
mountains up in New Mexico where there's these cabins. enjoy this book and chaley's got a good one chaley and i might go up to the uh to the uh
the mountains up in new mexico where there's these cabins we'll still get a podcast out but
we both have a good good book so we're just starting and we can get away from all the
fucking clatter and the the nancy's fucking the wives and bingo's got a project and has a million
questions a day.
And we can drive two and a half hours.
Well,
no,
but we can drive somewhere to upload a podcast and then drive back to the
cabin.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The cabins in the middle of nowhere.
Still do it.
No internet,
no cell phone service.
And 10 minutes down the hill,
you go to supermarket,
we can get some food and,
uh,
you know,
some,
some wine and get right back
up to not answering a fucking cell phone because it doesn't work and just reading books and we
might do that but we'll still get podcasts in and we still won't be much different than the fucking
hole and uh that's it that's uh thank you all the people who sent shit in. Hey, let's break for a quick word from...
Hey, do you ever worry about your laptop?
Is it running slow?
Is your computer...
Do you ever worry about viruses?
I wish there was a place that could clean all that up for you.
But you're probably just going to chuck it away
and buy a new laptop.
That's all I got,
because we don't have sponsorship.
All right.
Hey, the word of the day
is get on the fucking mailing list.
Hang on.
The word of the day,
yoink.
Wrong book.
Wrong book.
It's over there.
It's over there.
Got it.
Boy, you love that book so much,
you just go to it anytime you're looking for any book.
It's sitting right in front of me.
All right, this is a great word.
It doesn't have great meaning.
I found one with great meaning, and that's aphasia.
Oh, no.
Aphasia.
No, aphasia.
Not aphasia. Aphasia is the inability brought on by brain damage to understand words and or ideas.
Aphasia. I was going to go with that, and that's a fun word. I like the meaning of it,
but it doesn't ring well. Not like the word of the day today, avuncular. Try to be avuncular today.
Get out there and be nice to someone. Avuncular means kind, genial, benevolent, like an uncle. That's what it says in the Roger's Thesaurus of Words for Intellectuals. Kind, genial, benevolent, like an uncle.
we must,
uh,
we'll have to assume that Roger had some really nice upbringing where an uncle is automatically someone who's kind,
genial and benevolent.
So if your uncle wasn't,
well,
don't be a vuncular with your next to kin.
Uh,
anyway, a vuncular try to be kind and genial.
Go out there and do something special today.
Make yourself happy.
Go out and send me $100.
Because you felt you did something wrong.
And I will burn that $100 in a special ceremony.
God damn it.
I don't have my list of fucking songs.
Jesus, this is the most unprofessional.
I thought for a minute we could get through this
with no edit.
I thought for a minute,
oh, there's some clumsy parts,
but no edits.
We could do that.
And now we're going to have to edit.
Why don't you go to one of our commercials
that we made before
and then come back in with maybe a celebrity sponsor?
A celebrity drop.
Go to a commercial, a pre-taped commercial.
It's an ID.
Yeah, and then a station ID from one of the many celebrities
who's given us station IDs.
And then I'll come back and I'll tell them what song we're closing on
because people at home have long lists.
I get it right down this song.
And what is he drinking tonight?
Oh, I was drinking.
I'll tell you what I drank tonight.
I had I had a smoothie and I'll tell you the ingredients I put in my smoothies.
First of all, there's no better product of this is a fucking blatant plug for someone who would Vitamix.
It's a fucking $400 blender, and it's goddamn worth it.
How could it possibly be?
That's what I said when Bingo bought a fucking $400 blender,
and you can't hit a girl, especially a retarded girl with blue hair.
You go, fuck, you don't spend fucking $400.
Yeah, and then you realize it will grind you could just put a pineapple in it like a whole pineapple and it would grind that
all the fucking husks you'd never know it's liquid you can drink it yes you can in a regular
straw yeah you could probably i wouldn't try a coconut but you could probably. I wouldn't try a coconut, but you could probably. I've seen him do a hockey puck.
I'm serious.
Really?
Yeah.
Will it blend?
Oh, shit.
Yeah, yeah.
In a Vitamix?
It's on YouTube.
It's fucking amazing.
So, yeah, that's what I had.
And I'll tell you what I put in my smoothies.
You, the health conscious, following this rehab.
Does no one have questions about the 30-day rehab?
The 30-day.
Like, if you have questions, tweet them at me or email me at Doug at DougStanhope.com.
And yeah, if you have questions, if there's somewhere I can go with this
that I'm not going, I'll tell you some of my hints and strategies,
but I will tell you my smoothie recipe.
And you have to figure out how much of each,
just a little bit of a lot of items.
I put a couple of little heads
of broccoli three two three asparagus spears uh half to a quarter generally a quarter of a beet
gives it a lot of color gives your poop color this caviar i've been eating the food coloring
in the caviar mixed with the fucking beet coloring oh my. My poops are all sorts of fucking.
Yeah.
It's a, it's a, it's a project.
That's I should tweet pictures of my poops.
Picasso over here.
Yeah.
I don't know if he's, it's colorful.
Yeah.
You're blue period.
Yeah, it is.
It is a bit blue.
No, it's green.
Actually blue green. The food coloring makes it green.
And then the beets, I don't know.
Anyway, so it's beet, asparagus, broccoli, spinach, and or kale.
And then a little bit of fat-free yogurt.
And then a quarter of an apple, half an apple, half a banana.
Frozen berries.
And in this one, I put 99 blackberries and not like 99 bananas brand,
but it's blackberry flavored and some Bacardi. And that was a kicking fucking drink. That was
almost flammable. So I had one of those to get my nutrients and a beer to offset that because
that's too much sweet right there to begin with. But a lot of fucking good, wholesome vitamins, whole foods, and then a beer.
A lot of fucking, yeah.
That changed my whole attitude.
What?
A smoothie?
One smoothie.
Yeah.
No, it changed your attitude after you drank the smoothie, did a podcast, and then said,
we're doing it over.
No, I drank the smoothie after the shitty podcast.
Okay, well.
And I said, fuck that.
That podcast sucked.
I would stop listening after that podcast.
I was so down on myself.
And I changed my attitude even before I drank that fucking thing.
And now the better podcast has you reading ingredients to your smoothie.
Oh, yeah.
People want to know.
They're afraid to ask.
If you want to know what is in that other podcast.
Yeah.
And now we're going to go to a commercial already in progress.
TheShadyDell.com.
That is where you stay
if you come to Bisbee and you're staying
at the Shady Dell and I'm in town
I will have a beer with you
I won't hang out that long, we're not gonna be good
friends, I don't want you to fucking tell me
you're gonna kill yourself
but if you're staying at theshadydell.com
vintage trailer park
with all 50's, 60's trailers
that we live a mile away from, and we look for
reasons to go stay there.
Come to theshadydell.com.
Sponsored by...
I might even come in and clean your toilet.
I don't know.
Hi, this is Richard Simmons, and you're listening to the Doug Stambo Podcast.
Hey, I want to dance with somebody.
See, aren't you glad we took that little break?
Now we can get to the closing song.
And I know you're keeping track and you're writing these down
and you're judging them and you're making brackets.
March Madness is going to pale in comparison
to the number one song of the Doug Stanoff 30-day tin can rehab.
Top five albums.
I don't have the top five,
but I know this would be in it would be the best of Tim Curry.
Yes.
The guy from Rocky horror picture show actually had a music career kinda,
and he put out a few albums and then a couple.
And one of them was the best of Tim Curry.
And this is from that.
Fucking love it.
Listen to the whole fucking thing.
I quote the,
there's like little pieces of it,
but then again,
you got a lot of free time.
That's from this.
This is a paradise garage by Tim Curry.
Play it loud and enjoy the fucking saxophone. to paradise garage took my place in line the catcher said are you alright
I said I'm feeling fine
I'm a stranger to Nirvana
I don't box outside my way
but when I stepped out of the taxi
I did not anticipate
this feeling
oh excuse me sir
I know after you
I know, after you.
Baby's got a dream and she can't forget.
Daddy's got a groove that's commanding.
Drama's got a vision of a permanent possession.
Me, I'm hauling up my best machine.
And it goes like this And it goes like this
Well, I'm from Glensboro, New Jersey
And I didn't bring a date
I guess I really wasn't sure if you'd be bogeying this late
I can't think where I put my wallet, naive suburban fool
You wouldn't think that I'd spend hours outside French polishing my cool
And she is so strange
I said after you you I'm a gentleman
Well, my implication
Daddy's got a dream and she can't forget
Daddy's got a crew that's come and clean
The drummer's got a vision of a permanent position
We are all in a like a dance machine
And it goes like this
And it goes like this
And it goes like this
And it goes like this Baby's got a dream and she can't forget
Daddy's got a groove that's a mad thing
Mama's got a vision of a permanent position
We are all in on my dance machine
And go like this
And go like this And go like this
And go like this
Well, I really only step inside to bury my routine
You see, I read about this Disco Tech in New York Magazine
Hey baby
What's your sign?
Haven't we met before?
You know I really must suggest
That we've achieved a rare
That's for
At the Sea of Lies Thank you.