The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DAY 13 - #TinCanRehab

Episode Date: March 2, 2015

DAY 13A daily podcast following Doug's self-imposed rehab to quit smoking. Doug laments not bringing a dog to the cabin and just want to read in silence.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded Mar 01, 2015 at The Bear Creek Cabins in Pinos Altos, NM with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille).Links-Bear Creek Cabins - http://www.bearcreekcabins.com/ Intro music "30 Days In The Hole" by Humble Pie. Closing song “Hey Bulldog” by The Beatles. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

And welcome to a very special episode of the Doug Stanhope Podcast being broadcast live from Pinos Altos at the Whispering Pines Resort and Slumbertarium. This is the cabin. We're in the cabin, in the cabins. We picked an all alright one this time It's got two beds But the one bed doesn't The fucking wall is at an angle So we're just here to read

So I'm gonna read on the couch Cause you can't prop your fucking head up Against a wall that's angled Towards your head Like an A-frame And then you put a a bed, and then there's, yeah. There's no amount of pillows that are going to solve that. And if there were an amount of pillows, we don't have that many. The closest you can get is vertical.

But the fucking couch is fine. Just the fact that, you know, the ceiling isn't two feet over my face, like in the trailer. Yeah, it's a nice vacation. It's a nice roughly midway point it's uh day 13 as far as you're concerned it's about the end of day 14 as we tape which is about two fucking weeks is about two one half it's close i don't know We had to get away. Me and the chalester had to get up north in the mountains, get away from the fucking women, get some fucking man on man action up here with bears are we hike the mountain? We climbed a fucking mountain today. Why am I even quitting smoking?

I'm at 7500 feet altitude, like a mile and a half high. I climb a mountain I'm lapping you I'm steps ahead of you I was sucking wind dude There was no way I was going to turn around But at the same time I was noticing that you were

Certainly more You had a spring in your step Yeah I feel fucking awful Being up here I being up here. I come up here about once a year. It's great because you get no cell phone reception and no Wi-Fi reception that I know of, but Chaley did actually get Wi-Fi,

and so I could retweet yesterday's podcast. And after that, I went right back to believing I have no Wi-Fi service because I can read. I can read a book. I'm like 150 i read about 20 pages an hour i realized actually no that was an hour and 10 minutes it took me to read 20 pages of this fucking renegade history of the united states and now where i see like almost every non-fiction book definitely every uh i think to a to to a fault, every single documentary I've watched could be one third shorter.

Every single, even the best ones could be one third shorter. And yeah, this book, now I know how he goes into it. All right. I get it. Yeah.

Negroes in the Irish, they dance together. People didn't like it. All right. Three examples was enough. You give me eight pages of examples i get it so now i know how to skim through them and i can get to the good shit and get done with it that's the fucking just there's no feeling like finishing a book especially here at the resort and gay asylum.

It's not called the fucking Whispering Pines, but that's what it feels like right now because it's off season. No one's up here. Not even fucking bears. Nothing's going on. Chaley and I have spent a fucking just man-mance of sitting on opposite couches in dead silence

all day at one point. Should we go down the hill and eat? Okay. Then we had a silent dinner. We came right back up to our books and had a silent, a silent walk up that fucking mountain because neither of us could talk because of short of breath i feel like such a dick not having my dogs here i usually come up and i bring at least one dog so i have to get i usually i'm here for a few days today just one night but usually i have a dog and i could have brought we could have brought ichabod because he's not like the other dog would be constantly whapping his tail and wanting to go outside and chase shit. But Ichabod's a fat fucking slob like us,

and he'd be happy to go out once a day like us. And there's nothing appropriate or okay about having a fat dog. If you have a fat dog, you're a weak person and you can't hide. Once you have a fat dog, you can talk all the shit you want, but people know that you're lying because you can't fucking let a dog stare you down without giving in and giving him food he shouldn't have. I free pour their food. I fucking own that dog. That dog should be the size I want it to be. But I break down, and he sits there, and he fucking begs,

and he follows me every step he's under my feet. And then I go, oh, I should have brought him up here to the mountains during me and Chaley's bookmobile tour. Fucking man silence. And then I bum out that I just hiked a whole mountain without bringing my fat dog up there. Wow, he could have fucking lost a little bit of weight on a nice, get some exercise, a nice hike up a fucking hill. Well, he shouldn't be fat to begin with because I should just

feed him less, but I'm fucking weak and I crumble as his hips do. He can't even sit right. His fucking one leg goes underneath his whole... Yeah. This is so fat. If you have a fat dog, you're weak.

And they should be put in some kind of camp. Do they have doggy fat camps? I bet if you look that up. Oh, I bet you they do. They have everything for animals. I've asked people, have you ever seen a dog actually lose weight? And yeah, Brian had that chihuahua he was watching. It's now dead. Maybe it was the smoking that killed that one, though, not the weight.

I have no idea. Oh, I thought you were serious. Like you lived with a smoker. Sorry, it was staying in Brian's apartment. That's where mother smoked all those cigarettes with the cats. That was immediately what I went to is those fucking secondhand smoke living in the opposite of an iron lung. I would imagine if you cut down the diet and then put it on a treadmill, increase the exercise. And I'm talking about Ichabod now.

Yeah, yeah. You have a trough that they feed from. So they eat whenever they want. There are periods where in the winter, and I'm like, fuck this, I'm not walking. Or the heat of summer where if you don't get up by 5.45 in the morning, those dogs ain't getting out because you're just fry. So yeah, there'll go periods where they don't get walked at all. And then all of a sudden, now we've had company.

I'm not smoking, so I'm walking them twice a day. periods where they don't get walked at all. And then all of a sudden, now we've had company that, you know, I'm not smoking, so I'm walking them twice a day, bingos, sometimes three times a day. They get hauled out through the desert. There's no difference. It doesn't look any different. No, but all you've done was increase both activity for you and the dog. You haven't done anything about the food.

Well, I don't feed him more. That dog needs about a cup in the morning and a cup in the evening. Maybe. He doesn't need that much. Probably not even that. Instead, there is an entire huge bowl that all the animals eat from. Not all the animals. The dogs eat from one and the cats eat the cat food. Cats don't eat any of that food?

No. Oh. I figured they would if they got hungry. Well, I'm sure they would. Yeah. I try not to leave them alone where they have to fucking start gnawing on each other's food or each other for that matter. Yeah, there we go.

That's pet talk with Doug and Greg. Greg. Did I enunciate that right? Greg? Good Greg. Good Greg. You saw that fucking Twitter shithead. I thought your name was Craig. Tell Stan Hope he needs to enunciate.

Oh, yeah. Greg and Craig. How did you get Craig from Chaley? You rarely call me Greg. I never fucking call you by your first name. It's so weird. So, yeah. Yeah, I got nothing.

We came up here, and we've been reading and saying nothing. So, that's my day here at the Whispering Pines. We're sponsored by the Whispering Pines. And I'm not giving you the fucking name of the place because the last thing you'd ever want is to have someone you know up here. But by the time I... Yeah, it's the Bear Creek Cabins. Bear Creek Cabins. You're never going to fucking...

This will be out, but I'll be gone by the time this is out. And if you can find when I'm here the next time, you're weird. But yeah, in Pinos Altos, New Mexico. If you ever want to get away. If you want to get a rehab from your rehab. If you're sitting in a trailer that's way too close to your house and you really need to get away for... Two hours and 40 minutes door to door. Something like that. I was asleep most of it.

Silver City has a great pancake house. We'll hit that on the way home. Then I gotta get back to shit at the house. Do people in Bisbee listen to this fucking podcast? I wonder. And I don't know.

If people in Bisbee If you guys listen to this podcast Here's a couple things Tell fucking Gino The congressman Paint my fucking rocks Hey what's up when are you going to paint the fucking rocks Supposed to paint the rocks

He keeps putting it off I think he doesn't want to be around me When I'm not smoking and drinking Even though he doesn't want to be around me when i'm not smoking and drinking even though he doesn't drink uh he probably just wants to give me he's probably heard about it or yeah seen part but yeah hey you want me at fucking city council talking about that bag ban on tuesday i get a lot of misplaced rage i can bring to you but you gotta bring some fucking green paint to my rocks. Margo.

Can we get Margo back in the podcast? Can I get an amen? All right. I'm assuming you did it at home. I'm assuming you did the amen. Hey, Bisbee, if you see Margo, tell her I want her on the fucking podcast again. She's one of our most requested guests. And Evil E, that would be a tough one. If I can just reach one person that actually knows evil E and if you see

her, tell her I really need that fucking new yellow suit tailored. Cause it's a, it's a knockout. It's probably the best suit maybe ever. It's a knockout. I mean, it's not a knockoff.

It's a knockout. If I were really retired rather than just trying to find a safe place in my mind to get away from the rape that is comedy in my life, that suit might bring me out. I would do some comic relief, charity function of comedy just to premiere that suit. It's fucking vicious. Is it long pants or short? It's the one. It's yellow, but it's got like the checker trim on the jacket, and then the

pants are the opposite. They're the checker trim pants, and the trim is solid yellow. Oh, it's fucking beautiful. Speaking of beautiful, nice work on these drinks. We've been doing the old man drinks. I have a pint glass that gives you recipes for the Alexander we have to try.

It's like one ounce sweet cream with one ounce cream de cacao and then something else. It just sounds like, and gin. It's like sweet, milky gin, and it's called an Alexander. Right now we're doing, because I haven't done tequila this entire time And rehabs tend to suffer With a lack of tequila So we did scratch margaritas Meaning no margarita mix

It's actual fruit Limes and some lemon No lemon Oh not in this one? No In the next one Because we're out of lime There has to be we're out of lime

But then we had some blackberries So we crushed up some blackberries because it was a little tart. So, yeah. So now it's blackberry margaritas. Blackberry margaritas. Fucking fantastic. It's a keeper. Yeah. So you mold up some blackberries.

It's all nice and purple. And besides, last night we had the gin fizzes. That was another surprise. Go ahead. What were you saying? No, I want you to keep talking on that mic. I watched your face try to maintain your sentence as I telegraphed what I was doing to you. I thought you were going to get up to go get some more ice or something.

And as you get up and I see you moving the microphone to the back, that's the horror that was on my face. What were you saying about the gin fizzies? I don't remember. The gin fizzies. Oh, it was a surprise at how delicious those were. Yeah, I'm a big fan of the gin drinks. Farts are funny.

Farts destroy me. Oh, God. The whole thing of me looking up and going, when are we going? As I'm trying to process my thoughts, think about the gin fizz. As I see you do it, and as your arm moves down and around because it's like you should be talking or at least with the mic ready and it's moving around

damn fish eggs and normally i dispute anyone who can just pick one thing they ate out of the day diagnosis oh you know i think yeah because i i ate that one you can tell when it's fish eggs like i have your girl girl when we're walking up that fucking mountain, I had to fart something vicious. And the higher the elevation, the more defining the farts became. The more astringent. Is that a word? I don't know. We'll get to word of the day and see if that's it.

It's a word. I don't think it's properly used there. I said to Chaley, I go, you know, every time I fart like this, I should propel myself and speed walk for just like five or six steps as though that's my nitrous oxide that's fueling. A burst. Yeah. Kept me ahead of you.

The fucking beat the hair in the race. I. All right. Farts. Gin fizzes. Shout outs. Stanhope fizzes Shout outs Stand hope fizzes Shout outs to Bisbee Been gone like nine hours

Miss all you guys But yeah We're at the halfway mark If If this keeps going At this level I think I'm gonna Probably have to

Do some kind of Tour where I talk to different people that are in the industry of, what do you call it? God damn it. Come on, brain. I don't know what you're talking about. Alcoholism and drug abuse. People that are in the counseling, the business, they're going to have to recognize my fucking trailer work is what I'm saying. Okay. So I'm going to have to speak to the people who deal with people who have abusive patterns of behavior.

They smoke the cigarettes, which can be harmful, according to some studies. Maybe they do drugs. Maybe they need to be in a trailer. Have you ever considered that? You have all these multi-million dollar facilities. Maybe you're coddling these people. Have you thought of that? Maybe they need to be in a $2,500 trailer that you didn't even barter on.

You probably could have got it for like $16. I'd be interested in seeing what... Maybe I rent out our trailer. How about that? Can we do Airbnb for like rehab? Like for substance abuse? Airbnb and R? Bed and rehab?

What about Dr. Drew? Have you heard from him at all? I've not approached him. Simply because I did have that Saturday night where things went amiss. But I think at the 15-day mark, might have to reach out to him via the Twitter and say, Hey, what's your call for the second half of this? What do you call it on the links there?

On the links? Yeah. The second back nine. That's what I was looking for. What do you suggest on the back nine, Drusuf? What's your professional inkling tell you? Where are you going to guide me? Because you say zig, I'm zagging, motherfucker.

How about that? I'll make you look bad every step of the way. I think he's actually an ally. I think we might reach out to him. We'll see. We'll just get through this mountain thing. Get back home. We'll see. We'll just get through this mountain thing. It'd be interesting to hear how normal the physical effects that you're feeling. Like the breathing and that loose cough or that wheezing that you would have.

Oh, yeah. That's all cleaned up. In days it went away. I mean, occasionally I get a little bit of a... Yeah, but not like before. Oh, no, not when I couldn't get through a podcast. Three or four times during a podcast, I'd have to set the microphone well away from my head at arm's reach

and cough up flubber. That goes away right away. And then you climb a mountain. You go, Jesus. I mean, I remember when my mother, it was right after we got done filming the Man Show. I brought her on a cruise because we had to film these wraparounds. They had a Commie Awards, it was called. Comedy Central tried to do comedy awards.

And we were doing some filming bumpers because Carnivalival cruise lines was a sponsor so it's like me and nick napal a bunch of bitter fucking guys on a cruise ship having no fun filming 14 hour days fully dressed while everyone else is having fun and staring at you so i brought mother on it and that was the first time i'd taken her out of that apartment for any length of time where I could watch her. She on just flat ground in an airport would have to stop after, you know, 30 yards or so and, and catch her breath, not even stairs or anything.

Was she on oxygen? No, no. This is the first time I knew how bad her lungs were. This was, yeah, this was like, Oh shit.

Yeah. Like, Oh, and you're fucking still going. And yeah, that was, so it was five years later when she was a fucking corpse. So, like, oh, and you're fucking still going? And, yeah, that was, so it was five years later when she was a fucking corpse. So, I keep that in perspective. Okay, when I am on flat ground having a hard time just walking across of Florida, Fort Lauderdale, yet from, you know, to the B gates, that's a problem.

I still got five years and i just climbed a fucking mountain so what am i doing oh that's your yardstick mother's your yardstick to uh measure your uh your health by on some level on at least your experience yeah yeah that's another reason i always try to smoke outside it's because she would smoke in that fucking apartment and you walk in it's just thick so you're just recycling all that shit yeah go outside and it's it's way better for you jesus dr drew if i could we just partner up you could give kids the lowdown you know everyone just shares their experience yeah well don't smoke menthols

and do it on the porch and you you got till you're like 55 i just uh so that's that and so other than uh a counselor drug counselor substance abuse counselor running a rehab saving lives uh probably doing a i must i'll have to write a book about that i want to uh i want to write a book uh not as fucking drawn out as this one i'm reading right now i was hoping to be done with a book overnight but it's not going to happen well if you keep skimming yeah i can say you got the rhythm so you can still go for it it's still early i have todd glass's book as a backup i'll get to that and just i just showed chaley like how easy it is to read that book i don't i don't nothing i have no idea what's in the book just it's big pages and like well spaced you go i could just

after reading this thick fucking book that i'm in right now i just blast through that like like through butter i could go through i can't wait to get to todd glass's book like taking like leg weights off of do after doing stairs exactly Fucking, I'm looking forward to it. So yeah, my future, Brian's planning some of it out. I've been thinking about doing a tour. I always say this, but doing a tour with some friends, some guys like, you know, I don't know, my friends like Walsh and Jeff Tate or Junior again with Erickson or whoever,

and just host it. I do nothing but host the fucking thing. You had two or three comedians, and we get in a van or a thing, and I just spend, I don't know, three weeks, six weeks where I just host the thing. Like one nighters. Yeah. And introduce you to some people that you should see that you might not see otherwise. What do you think about that?

Twitter people? What? Because I can't wait to get back and read all your things that you said. That always makes me feel good. i'm a little punchy right now i ate the worst fucking chicken at a steakhouse because i you know what because i wouldn't eat a steak because i want to have a few things intact at the end of this 30 days that i was trying not to do and red meat is one of the few that i all right still no red meat no tv except for some small exceptions.

Pretty much no cigarettes that I can remember. The one did get lit. And yeah, I've gone outside the... colored outside the lines on that two drinks a night a couple times, but to know...

That's real-world preparation, though. Because when you get done with this, it's going to be more than two drinks. You're just kind of testing. Yeah, yeah, I don't know. Again, it feels like it's been for fucking ever. We're not even two weeks done. So, yeah, we'll keep you informed.

I'll be back at home and geared up. But right now, my head's in a book and you guys are so far away from me. I'm up on the top of this goddamn mountain and you're all just like little fucking tiny ants from up here. I look down at you and I go, look at these little tiny

fucking ants. And that brings me actually, without trying, to the word of the day. This is for you, my loyal, devoted audience, my people, your mendicants. Mendicants. M-E-N-D-I-C-A-N-n-t mendicant that's another word for a beggar you're fucking lepers you're beggars you're you're swine you're mendicants sitting down there like ants as I sit here on top of the mountain looking down at you saying, buy my merch. Buy it. Buy it, mendicant.

Buy it. You want from me? You want to? I'll favorite your tweet. You buy the goddamn T-shirt. Don't ask me what size you should buy. Buy the fucking shirt. Buy a large.

If it's too big, go to a buffet. No, other way. Oh, no, you're right. Yeah, I am right. Supplicate yourself to me, mendicant. See, that's right in this. All right. That's your word, mendicant.

Call someone that. Call someone at work that. You know what? Call a superior that and say it as though it's a compliment and like you screwed up. If he, on some off wind, he happens to know what that word means. You act like, oh, I thought it meant, and then you make something up. But yeah, call someone a mendicant as though it's a compliment and see if someone says thanks. Put it in a string of other positive things. You're so easygoing, like a mendicant, and just see if you can get someone to say thank you for calling them a mendicant. I had some other words that I've heard of and I just, I didn't know what they meant, but I wanted to, I want to give out words of the day that I've never heard of before.

Eventually it'll get old. All right, that's it. You know what? Uh, I'm going to leave you with a song. And, uh, if you think that, uh, every single song that the Beatles ever did sucked balls of shit, balls rolled by dung beetles. And I don't know if you know that dung beetles are actual beetles. They're out here all the time and they do roll perfect round balls of dung. And that's what the Beatles, they just sucked dung beetle balls of shit. If you think everything they ever did in their entire career is shit, I tend to agree with you. But there's one song, I don't know how they stumbled upon it, but, you know, a thousand monkeys with a thousand typewriters, etc., etc. Enough spaghetti against the wall.

You're gonna find accidental gold i know so many comics from open mic days who had one joke that was brilliant and you go how did you fucking stumble on that when the rest of your act is such utter indecipherable dog shit that you how do you get one of the funny well Well, this is a Beatles equivalent of that. I think it should be taken away from them. I know the Foo Fighters did cover it, but they should actually not even be able to put their name on this song because it's good and they suck shit, everything about them. And every time one dies, it's a better world.

So here, I'm going to go sit back on top of my uh couch on top of my mountain and look down at you like ants while you crank up the fucking jams and listen to hey bulldog uh as uh covered by the beatles originally done by the foo fighters Thank you. Some kind of endless love since magic eyes and ears You don't know what it's like to listen to your fears You can talk to me You can talk to me You can talk to me If you're lonely you can talk to me We'll be right back. Some kind of solitude is measured out in you You think you know me but you haven't got a clue

You can talk to me You can talk to me You can talk to me If you're lonely you can talk to me. Hey, Bulldog. Hey, Bulldog. Hey, Boone Dog. Hey, Boone Dog. Hey, Boone Dog.

What do you say? You know him all. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo!