The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Doug Stanhope Podcast #526 - "Doug Wants Your Couch"

Episode Date: August 1, 2023

Michael Biehn calls the cops, Doug turns down offers and clears the room. Thank You Patreon Subscribers. We could not do this without your ongoing support. Recorded July 25th, 2023 via ZOOM between Doug's Hotel Home (@dougstanhope), Bingo (@bingobingaman), Chad Shank's Homestead (@HDFatty), and Ggreg Chaille in Austin, TX (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Signed copies of "This Is Not Fame" available while supplies last at Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - TryFUM.com - Support the show & head to https://www.tryfum.com & use the code STANHOPE to save an additional 10% off your order today Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Support the podcast at www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast Join Doug's Mailing List - http://www.DougStanhope.com TOUR DATES - https://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates Photo by ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast perfect perfect you're you know you're off to the side a little but yeah no it's not hang on are you selling art on today's podcast uh we yeah we worked that out so yeah we got the art oh it looks great there there's the flowers that's what we needed and uh this yeah we'll save it for the air well this is the air welcome welcome everyone to the podcast oh shit let me get some volume here so i'm not screaming when it's unnecessary you'll probably still scream yeah no and i i took a part i took a half a pot oh no just right now just right now it's kind of like when i've done you know acid or mushrooms on stage the only time it went well

is do it right when you're walking out right when you're walking out or ask beg for it from the stage in the first five minutes yeah that that happened that's a good time that's gone on so let me just start with this you can maybe use it as a teaser when we when you tweet out this episode driving uh yesterday i get a call uh sumit spam and a voice message uh hey uh mr stanhope this is a detective such and so from the busy police department uh i'm calling you about an incident with your car please call me back at this number i call back goes yeah i don't know if you're aware of the incident. I go, I'm aware that I loaned my car to Michael fucking Bean. He goes, yeah, yeah.

And he started laughing. Oh, shit. Yeah, so this is from the detective who knows way too much about Michael. Wait, this wasn't like phone soliciting for like donations to the, um, policemen's ball or something. No, no,

this was straight up legit call. He says, well, you know, Michael works out at, uh, the gym there. Uh,

uh, and yeah. Yeah. And, uh, he, he doesn't usually, uh,

bring his wife, uh, Jennifer, but he brought his wife. then evidently uh as he was doing his workout he she left with the car and he forgot that she was there so this so cut to like i'm telling the cop i want to press charges against both of them i don't care yes and the cop knew who both of us were so he was like he was having a a bit of fun with the whole thing then I talked to Bean he's like yeah I go to the gym and uh you know I'm riding my bicycle and I look Jennifer never goes to the gym with me

I forget she I like I just turn around and I see your car driving off. And I'm like, motherfucker, someone's stealing the car. It's not even my car. Why is this happening? And so I call. I keep trying to call 911, but I realize I'm dialing 411. You're fucking kidding me. For the kids out there, 411 used to be the number you called for information to get like, hey, can I get the number of Mrs. McGillicuddy on Elm Street?

Yeah, but if you look at the keypad of a phone, that's not even a fat finger mistake. The 4 is on the opposite side of the 9. I know. That's what I'm saying. He's dialing information. side of the nine i know it's that's what i'm saying he's got the information he's so like i was not like and i told him what what i imagined this phone call like when i said yeah you can use my car uh i imagine the phone call because he lives in old bisbee on a hill that's like you know a 90 degree angle and i just pictured i know

this is a guy that when he first would come to my house if he didn't have his wife he would drive to the the wrong way home which in our town means douglas arizona 20 or another country or tombstone somehow he missed his entire neighborhood and drove 26 miles to Tombstone. Like, literally. So I expected, oh, yeah, maybe the car crashes down in a fucking Tombstone Canyon because he didn't put on the emergency brake. I don't know. But, yes. So the cops had it all worked out he

said uh after he called 9-1-1 figured it out he's freaking out in the gym and someone says he's someone who saw the car leave he goes did you see who was driving it they said, it's some blonde lady. And he went, ah, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. And then he had to call the police back. They're coming up tomorrow. They're staying in the same hotel because they fly out early.

At what point was Ashton Kutcher involved in this phone call? You're not on the phone, are you? I don't know. The cop was having the best fucking time with it. That's all that matters. But I don't know. Because he said, listen, I understand that

this was all... I understand Michael Biehn's out of his fucking mind is what he said without saying it. He said, but that's why i had to uh call you just to make sure that everything's on the level and uh but there i want to know if she actually got pulled over with a stolen car like oh yeah because it would have been a a bolo be on the lookout yeah i don't know what happened with that so i have to find that out and i'm gonna do some podcasting with michael bean as soon as i i i know that it's like jinxing

everything about the fucking last nine months we've gone through this house once the house is done he said we're gonna do all this great stuff we're gonna do everything's gonna be brand new and start over and i really learned a lesson all those years yeah yeah but no i'm doing fucking podcasts with michael bean because i love i absolutely the first time we did it it went fucking sideways because yeah he well we had we had pitched each other so many different ideas that were yeah there was there was a massive confusion yeah that i had said no let's just do a regular podcast of it I and that was a botched abortion but I really enjoy our chemistry together uh he's almost like a he's he's like a a celebrity andy andrist like and you should you should have to i mean

he's as up as andy like as far as not knowing right his shoes are facing at any given time but at least he's got the age to to write it off. Oh, sorry. I had a picture of Andy laying around of you and Andy, so I thought I'd just throw it up there. I like that Andy's wearing a laminate. Andy should wear a laminate wherever he goes. Andy mostly does. If he can find or steal one, he will wear it. Like most people don't like wearing them, especially if you're going to be on stage. You want to play it cool and like hook it to your belt loop or something.

Andy proudly wears them and he'd wear one every day if he could. When we were going in the airport, I don't remember the fuck we were on this trip when we were on Atlanta. I walked up and there was like a police vest just laying there on the thing and I saw it laying there and as soon as I thought I thought of Andy and I think I showed it to both of you guys and I think both of you had the same reaction like oh fuck Andy would already have that thing I was like I thought the same

fucking thing if I were you I would think sting operation like what do they call the cars that are set up oh yeah where they set up a car and like leave it running and like wait in in a bad urban neighborhood yeah it's like but you know i went back because i went that was the day we were going back and forth up and down the first floor second floor trying to get the uh the car that was supposed to come out from the pyramid.

And that last trip, when we finally got an Uber, I was on the level, the second level, and there was a cop standing there right where that police vest was. And I tapped him and I said, hey, just so you know, there's a vest, like a police, and I pointed to it right there. And he looked me like what the fuck what the fuck what talk like don't talk to me I mean like he was telling a story to two janitors and I'm like Yankee accent yeah I was like Jesus Christ I'm just saying there's because my friend would have stole that by now like it wasn't a blatant security violation totally yeah there's also a gun in the trash can.

Mind your fucking business. This is this fucking jacket. I know I sent you a picture, Chaley, but god damn it. The pockets on this. Oh, I didn't see the texture. Oh my god. It was gorgeous. $6.99.

Mini pearl right there. $6.99. Mini pearl right there. It is so... I know. And I got this tie today that goes with it. Wait, you didn't get... The tie wasn't rolled up in the pocket? No.

That tie is perfectly matched to that forest green in the stripe. I know. I'm telling you. went on sunday i hit nine thrift stores sunday just sunday today uh we would have hit many except bingo i panicked had a cocktail during sushi i had a early lunch sushi and she went to fucking trader joe's and bought a bunch of lumps of tofu or some shit that i we we can't go fucking thrifting with and leave that in a car it's a hundred and it's fine it's fine either way it's good that i stopped it's good that I stopped. It's good that I stopped shopping. I'm like,

it's like serious fucking hoarder levels. But this, like, this is the first, like massive. All right. I could see this from across the store walking in. It's,

it's. Yeah, I'll say. It looks a little big on the shoulders does that fit uh it's a little bit big cartoonishly it has these fucking buttons look at these giant stupid buttons you know what it's got stains on it that you would never see you could not spot it like it's like maybe a coffee stain here a little tiny ones that you it looks a little david burn on you exactly that's just kind of like i always and i think that's why i've always liked these jackets a little big because it reminds you of putting on your dad's you know

going to work jacket oh look at me i'm wearing a. I'm a big person. I love it. It made me want to write jokes. I think not having jokes is saving me from a lot of bad choices. I'm starting to look at my career in the short term like an addiction, like a debilitating disease. addiction like a dis a debilitating disease where okay listen i you know i got a a call yesterday uh to do a a very uh a high profile uh gig at sea i'll just leave it at that and i i i had to say no i'm doing nothing at all until i'm not only the house is done but i moved back settled back in not moved like i know where my is are you telling me you turned down a gig on the kiss cruise i assumed it was another one of those submarines ocean gate yeah we're going down again Come on Stan Hope

We need somebody to tell us some jokes On the way this time We can spot that jacket from 12,000 feet He's pinging off his jacket Flaming survivors Point being Yeah I'll write a note I just wrote some notes like for

a bit i go that's a workable bit the fact this is almost as difficult to not do comedy like at least till like next year like i'm going to spend this year it's only you know until it's the warmer parts of next year. I want to be focused on that. Could be all year. Actually. Yeah. The rate things are going now.

Oh my God. I don't even want to ask, but I know. Yeah. I know that they're not going nearly as quickly as you thought they would be going three weeks ago. Well, I did submit the colors and I'm glad i went in there and did it because

uh i wanted to be clear um because we've got kind of an odd color palette i'll put it up here so people can see the the colors that we're going with but yeah we're get out of town you guys this guy with this fucking crazy color but you know it is one of those things where it's like it's just better when you look at someone and you say hey, and not like leave the swatches there and hope they get it. So I was glad I did that before I left. But I don't know if they're going to get to the painting before I get back.

Because I'll be back by Tuesday of next week. All right. I picked up all the screen printing stuff from little Mikey today and talked to him about his figs. Bingo. Mikey's figs are amazing.

I'm so jealous. I got a text from him. I'm jealous. Is she on the toilet? Why can't she get in the picture? Oh, you don't want to block the flowers? Oh, no. I'm blocking the flowers.

Her Bass Pro Shop hat matches my jacket. See the gold and the gold? Look at that. Represent. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Yeah, so it's a good day today.

I picked up all the stuff for the screen printing stuff, and that was one of the reasons I was coming out here. So that's done. How's little Mikey? Little Mikey's doing great, man. Hey. We looked out to show you a lot of pictures ideas for i think for the uh wherever we fucking set up uh when we finally get a podcast studio or of whatever i want a round

table we looked at some uh today copenhagen yeah we can find them a lot cheaper, but that gave us the ideas. But yeah, a big round table. I think it was 70 inches across, 71 in diameter. Okay. Now I'm not, I'm not shitting on your idea, but what about if you think of, of, of in terms of cameras and setting up, what about like a triangle or a crescent rather than a circle like a like like a circle table you see those when we go to those gigs that that they they bring in all of the tables from a wedding reception yeah yeah and it's just quite that big but i know i think this this it felt great we actually found one I almost bought at an antique shop. With beautiful chairs.

French chairs that were just really not my style at all, but they were pink and white striped. They were like, all right, this is gaudy enough to work. And I asked the guy, anyone that would drive this shit to Bisbee? He goes, you serious? And then I went, oh oh maybe i'm not because i better rethink it he played it wrong he could have had me in that fucking yes and motherfucker you would have made a sale that reminds me of what i was bringing little mikey little mikey asked about uh

about like like how it's going and i go yeah we still got some time you know but we're getting ready he's a painter you know so i was talking about the painting and everything and then i did say you know the problem is is that doug has a lot of downtime and he's going to six seven sometimes even nine thrift stores in a day and he's he's acquiring things and then i get into tucson and he goes hey take that take this shit load up the fan and take it home and so he's filling a house that's completely empty of his possessions with more possessions so that when his possessions show up he has the new possessions and the old possessions it's going to be like the brady bunch and that's what we're

and that's what we're saying to the world right now. eBay yard sale. That is true. It's going to be the biggest eBay yard sale ever. Would I wear this suit if I was lying? I have been working on, God, I had some fantastic ideas for TV shows. I think a lot of them you can just do yourself now, but travel shows

where it's like really high and they're kind of ideas I've had before, but sometimes when you get just a little bit high enough, you go, oh, it's just that little tweak of volume where you go, oh, now I hear this idea clearly. And I've been doing a lot of fantasy

travel, travel porn where i just get on and like okay what would it take to get to guam tomorrow and then i spent two hours like that's how we fucking went to memphis yeah okay let me just google guam was an option and we went to Memphis? It's that goddamn pyramid. It gets you every time. Well, maybe just the once. Fool me once, Astro.

There's two... Bingo and I wanted to do a road trip like I've done in the last two years. Last year we went mountain time zone shit. And I thought South Dakota, which is not mountain time zone before you send the emails, I know. But South Dakota, the western part of South Dakota, Badlands, it's fucking gorgeous. I go, I could do like just getting to South Dakota and then just do internally of South Dakota for a couple weeks and bingo's all

in I got my colonoscopy on July 31st she's got a dentist on August 3rd and then we're button free and clear we could go and I went uh hang on you know what Google search Sturgis oh Uh-oh. August 4th. No. Kills it. You destroyed the entire region, not just the state even. There's only so many highways around there. That's the whole point of being in the city. Yeah, one. Yeah. East to west, man.

One. Yeah. I decide, and it's going to be all fucking bikers. So that was shit and and this is where the first travel idea because we've talked about like what if i went out and just like lived off fans couches like all the emails that you get saying hey if you're in town in the road you're coming through town you want a home-cooked meal i appreciate the offer but i probably don't i'd rather to not talk to anyone what if i just for like travel like okay if you are in a fucking a location if you

can sell me on why i should go to you because this uh one guy from uh the bahamas where i didn't know there was another airport you could fly into other than Nassau. Bingo and I went to Nassau one year like this sucks shit. That's where they... Wait, wait, wait. Why did you go there? Was it a layover?

Nassau, Bahamas, just for vacation. That's where she stole the towels from. The yellow towels. We're in a hotel that's also a casino and every time you walk through, they jack you up to come and buy you lunch

if you go to a timeshare fucking meeting. Oh my god. We did it. We thought we'd fuck with them, but then it was early and I'm not in the mood to fuck with anyone. We're not gonna buy this we don't need your free lunch let's just go we had to give him a credit card to prove that you had credit or whatever and then I get home and they had built

like seventy eight hundred dollars for a tile flooring to my card I go yeah yeah I I wasn't in the Bahamas for vacation, but I don't remember buying a lot of new flooring while I was there. Do we take it to work? But we also stole their towels. That's not a good trade. I don't know if I would have said that.

There's a key is that one of the rooms, the showcase rooms that they walk you through on the tour was next to our room or down the hall close where we're like oh shit that's the model room that they showed the timeshare suckers and bingo went in there to take a dump and steal her towels in between people i left it I took the towels. But they came in with another couple while she was taking a shit.

So I shut the door and I was lucky. Wait, you started by taking a shit with the door open in a model apartment? I heard them, so I shut the door. I was taking a dump. They did not come in. I don't know how that happened, but he left me. Yeah, your lookout bailed on you.

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code Stanhope to save 10% off when you get the Journey Pack today. That's tryfume.com and use code Stanhope and save an additional 10% off your order today. Do it now. And really quickly, before we get back to the show, I wanted Crip Daddy. You'd all know and love Crip Daddy. His debut special is out. So go to CripDaddy.com. That's Crip with two P's to CripDaddy.com. That's Crip with two P's.

CripDaddy.com. He's got a sign up there, a mailing list, and also where you can get the album. It's called Sports Illustrated Comedian Edition. I look forward to it. Alright, now back to the show. That didn't hurt at all, did it?

So anyway, all of the Nassau Bahamas sucked. I didn't know there's a small airport on one of the other islands that Delta flies into, a regular international airport, and a fan emailed me, hey, I have the guy from Barstool Sports down, and you should come down and i'll take you out and i'll show you around and look at the reviews of my buddy's bar and i scoped it out and i'm like all right that could work uh and then brad sampson after i saw fucking sturgis has ruined south dakota brad sampson who's listening i'm sure he sends me a lot of jackets he always finds shit up he's

in eastern canada and i'm like yeah we always when we tour canada halifax we always blow off nova scotia we never get east of montreal and i love it up there maybe we could go there and i go let's look up brad sampson he had the cabin and uh yeah i found his cabin then he emails me as i like i'm done two hours of fantasy travel porn to brad sampson hey i'm two hours from bangor on the other side of the border i this cabin you always include a picture of the cabin beautiful it looked like anchorage or not anchorage but alaska yeah that alpine or at least you know arctic yeah and while i'm like trying to find frederickston or fredericksville or frederick something is the closest airport but small market to small market is oh yeah 36 hours four stops

it was just whatever it's nonsense and uh but then he emails me hey there's another picture of that cabin if you're the last podcast you talked about going up north for vacation yeah that was wrong coast uh but i go i know exactly where your cabin is and i would have gone except in this email he said if you want to call shitting in a hole being close to nature or connecting with nature you're loving it i'm like oh wait you didn't see these are the questions i should ask like does the guy in the bahamas have a a real plumbing indoor plumbing i i wouldn't have asked that that is not the right couch you lost me in the, but that's why I thought, oh, that would be a fun travel show is I go show up at fans and say, oh, you'll love it here. And then then shit on everything.

The other travels. Good. I think it'd be funny if you find out that you have to shit in a hole when you get there. Exactly. That's why that's what I mean. If we're roundtabling the drama, that's the title. No questions asked.

Or shit in a hole. Working title. Episode one. No reservations was Anthony Bourdain's. No questions asked. Beggars can't be choosers. I think there's a website like couchsurfing.com or something like that where people do that, where they offer a couch and you do it and you sign up for this night and stuff like that. So you're vetted probably a little bit. I don't know how much they're going to take.

That was the precursor to Airbnb. That was around, I think it was Roy Christopher maybe, someone that had done that quite a bit. Roy Christopher, haven't heard that name forever. Yeah, he still pops up here and again in social media or emails. Hey, I was thinking you wanted to do with what i haven't even seen your face since 2005 um anyway uh the other the other idea was just like a travel show but for people uh that don't like to travel but people who have to travel like people like me if you have to go to disneyland because you're fucking

but you have to go somewhere here here's like i i show you how to do nothing effectively and here's a close here's a dive bar if you just go through the emergency exit behind disneyland he show up whatever just how to fucking do nothing but travel like me when you have to travel anyway. Force me to go places that I like. I hate it anyway, the whole way there, even when I get there. You're going fishing. You're going here. It's beautiful.

Fuck you. I hate it. Yeah, it was really a shame, you know, being around all that nature, like fake nature in Memphis and wanting to go fishing or wanting to throw a rod. And you couldn't do it. You were just like in an artificial. It might as well have been a green screen. I was just talking about that summer I lived up here with that Catherine Bertine's Home Stretch Foundation, being in that giant basement house sitting for us going, yeah, it's still not as weird as last summer in Tucson at 13th. Because it had the same dynamic as the pyramid, we're living in that basement.

It was permanent midnight. Like just three nights in that fucking pyramid i was i mean i wasn't like stabby i wasn't jack nicholson the shining but yeah it did fuck with your internal clock worse than anchorage oh yeah it was nice that you found out on the last day as we were about to leave that we could access that mezzanine that was just feet from our door. Yeah, smoking

Doug Stano would have found that in the first 30 minutes. Yeah, it seemed a little... It seemed like that should have been mentioned to us somewhere in the intro because that would that was a i mean it was made for you know just even looking out you know just the view well that's why i didn't ask shaley is because common sense

was like well that's kind of stupid to ask because that would have been, if that was available, surely that, if there was a fucking lookout 10 feet from your room, they would have said, hey, also, you can go to the fucking lookout on the pyramid 10 feet from your room. No. There are a lot of those. Actually, now that you mentioned it, I remember seeing that shot in the pictures before I booked the place.

The third floor. Yeah. I knew it existed, but it said it was an event space. Yeah. All the event rooms are right there that open off into the patio area. Yeah. I mean, you found it eventually. They sent me a survey, which I happily filled out.

How did you do it? Very honestly. And then the next day they said, hey, vote for us. It was the same thing usa today's vote for the same one that we got bisbee voted best small historic town in america best pyramid in memphis this was the best uh family vacation oh my god destination vote for us i like did you not read the fucking survey i don't even know what you would do with your family you go up the fucking elevator you come down and then you buy some candy and you leave yeah i mean what are kids gonna do there yeah

you must have covered this on the last podcast but the whole idea that they charge tickets to take an elevator straight up and down which was a bit of mine where you're fucking checking with two and a half star hotel and there's a dance mom's competition and you're the kids are fucking riding the elevator like it's a fucking ride at six flags and pushing all the buttons oh wait no this literally was that bit i i made a fantastical situation out of what you're literally doing yeah you brought that up on the last podcast yeah all right you didn't talk about freedom fest though on the last podcast i don't know if you wanted to wrap up that no well yeah i did this show well we podcasted the same day as the show I did the show.

Well, we podcasted the same day as the show. I don't know if we said it on the podcast, but I knew at like 1030, I think it was in the morning where Chad Shank and I were maniacally laughing that it was not a good harbinger of how the show was going to go 12 hours later. Like we added some. I had some morning cocktails. I don't know if Chad... I had to because he was, but I was shocked he was up when I was up. Yeah, I'd been up since... 12 hours to show, there's

time to have a couple cocktails and then go down. Yeah, and nap. Yeah. If you do that. Go hunt a sturgeon to you know for some adrenaline pro shop uh god damn it that's oh that that would just the bass pro shop just that pyramid would be such a fantastic travel show destination for the miserable traveler. There's a way that I travel that if I

could be self aware enough to see, okay, this is why this is funny. This is the shit that you go, oh yeah, people want to go here. How do you actually enjoy this without

losing your fucking mind? yeah there's a there that idea is not fluffed yet i mean you'd have to be i don't know how this works but you've done you've done these shows before where you uh uh hidden camera and stuff like that how you would have to somehow get them to agree to let you in on the property that you're going to shit on. Yeah, I've said that's the that's the idea that the other ideas way easier and probably a better idea is just, you know, travel couch surfing, like friends and just the offers I

get was not hungry Romania. Some guy is like, come on, we're doing a Romanian comedy festival. Come back with one kidney. Well, he's an American. Well, he is, but not the people that steal your kidney. Yeah, you get some

interesting ones. I don't know. I mean what what about because i did i did look up couchsurfing.com is still a valid site they still it's still around and i think you're right i think it was a long time ago before airbnb or or spin off of it but what about just just going somewhere and whether they're a fan or not, you going there with the agreement that you're filming a travel show? Yeah. I was thinking that we don't need – this is not – I do have one idea that I do want to pitch.

Not here. Yeah, don't do that. And I wouldn't even want to be... But as far as shit like this goes, you can do it yourself. It's better to do it yourself. I mean, you just have to know Instagram and TikTok. It would be weird if we had a show

that was only an internet sensation hit because we hired Julia Popov as a showrunner because she knows TikTok and Snapchat. You have to know like how to write a script. Now you have to know how to put like script. Now you have to know how to put a fucking bunny nose on it. The long nose one that I did that one time. Yeah. Yeah. And in the meantime,

Romania, for instance. Okay, you put that in the deal memo. Let's say, how much would it cost?. He put that in the deal memo. He said, hey, how much would it cost? You don't even have to do comedy. You can just shake hands and meet people. We have a local comedy club, and your picture is up in it. First of all, it would cost you way too much money.

So I thought about way too much money, and I was about to hit send and I doubled it. It's always good. You can always have it later. Yeah. And he, he came back with a way lower, smaller deal.

Yeah. Uh, but yeah, when I think of shit like that, if I, if I thought of all this stuff as okay, travel show, how do we make not fun fun? Romania in November. No, it doesn't sound like anything.

Oh, look at the architecture. I don't give a fuck about architecture. What a fucking comforter. Is this a gas stove for heat? Is that just turn on the burners and boil water to stay warm overnight? I don't know what they do. Eating fucking ganip ganops to stay alive. It's a combination.

Soup heater. Soup-ertainment. What else have you been doing? I haven't seen you for about five days. I drove out to Austin. Yeah. You went to Tucson. Yeah, your wife butt-dialed me. And me.

She butt-dialed you, then me. She fessed up to it. Yeah. She doesn't even have an ass. And how are you going through? I don't know how that happens. Those are probably the only two numbers. I just told her that I was immediately pouring a baby shot because I thought

she was trying to tell me. I listened for a while. You know how you do, you know, Oh, and there's a bug on you try to figure out what where they're at or what what they're doing. Yeah, or to see if they they talk about you and they're sleeping. Okay. Yeah, I think she was lifting boxes. Yeah, I could hear her occasionally. Like, you think

they might be because I'm screaming. Hey, yeah, oh, I remember where we were. I remember where we were when I heard there's they're supposed to be driving cross country or half the country. Well, we drove seven hours from Bisbee. I got a ticket within the first half hour because I was so jacked up on coffee New Mexico yes no better yeah and so I got we went up to Carlsbad which is basically going north northeast because I didn't want to go to the 10 all the way across and I want to see Carlsbad which has caverns and all this stuff and then we stayed a night there and in the on the first night there we just

crashed out in the morning we got up and went to the wildlife center there's like a thing with mount lions bison all this shit right and i and i'm like hey look we're probably not going to see anything it's a fucking 104 these fucking animals don't drag themselves out and they go hey here comes some people let's get out there and give them a show. So we're getting ready to go in. And the guy's telling me, he's like, yeah, there's there's there was a rattlesnake like in this area when we did our walk through today. But I go, oh, we'd be so lucky to see a rattlesnake. There's never you're not going to see them.

Right. And it's fucking it's on fire. Right. And I turn around. It's a little old lady there. A little old lady there a little old lady his maria she's from houston and she was so afraid to walk down the trail which is 1.9 miles because of this guy saying we did see a snake at like 6 a.m and now it's like 11 a.m noon almost and she's like doesn't want to go so so we're walking along with this because i go come with us come with us so it's the three of us and tracy's talking to her the whole time

and at some point she's like i think there's someone on your phone because they're chatting as they're walking and that's when we were at we were at uh like the prairie dogs or something there were birds chirping and everything i remember tracy at we were at uh like the prairie dogs or something there were birds chirping and everything i remember tracy picking up the phone going like yeah what the what the fuck why did you call me and then that was yeah so i remember that now but we certainly yeah we were certainly in the weirdest place to get a butt dial yeah she she i didn't call her back she called me back like 20 minutes later or something sorry i bought the ld i guess i just yeah i just texted her back that i was doing a baby shot with her

because she butted me so but she the maria heard tracy's butt making noise but she was too polite to say something when she first heard it did you see a rattlesnake But she was too polite to say something when she first heard it. Did you see a rattlesnake? Did not. God damn it. I mean, come on. It's a walkway.

You're not going to see shit. I mean, I know that. I go there and read the placards. That's what you go there for. Rattlesnakes. That's where they come out when it's hot. Yeah, but there's so many places around there. I mean, there's, I mean, there's so you look off to the areas that aren't part of the exhibits and you see little trails where there's tons of animals running around because there's fucking food dumped out all the time. I mean, we saw basically everything I see on the cameras at home. Deer, skunk, javelina, you know, the cougar didn't see the cougar didn't see the black bear so but that was that was basically that's the only thing we went to carlsbad for is just

just to break up the drive have you ever been to uh what's the other the last hawaiian island that's not maui or the big island not the one that you can't go to, but Kauai. Yeah, I've stayed on Kauai. Lihue? Lihue is not... Lihihau or something like that? I know what you're talking about. Yeah, I think it was an old pineapple island. One that had a bunch of pineapple...

Oh, that's Lanai. The one that no one goes to, I think, is Lanai. There's one that has a fucking airport. When you texted me, hey, can we do a podcast by Zoom this week? What's your plans? I had just booked travel to Lihue. travel to Lihue.

I'm looking for any place new to go when it's fucking cold here and it's warm and I don't want to use my passport. So that's the really small airport. I think the town is just a little bit bigger than Bisbee. But it has a Marriott and a this and that. So there's the Big Island of Hawaii.

There's Maui, Molokai, Oahu, Kauai, Ni'ihau, and Nihoa. Yeah, we already assessed that it's Lihue

I don't see that on here It's a town in Kauai where the airport is Oh, oh, oh Lihue Yeah, I think you're right Hang on, you know what that reminds me of? This commercial break You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast this commercial break.

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. I've spent a lot of time, like I spend as much time pretending to fly away on my computer as I do in Goodwills. I am on a first day basis with a a few people there's a guy at the goodwill here there's a guy who knows me uh from uh rogan's podcast and he can't wait to see me every time but then there's another guy from the same goodwill who also said you're doug stanhope

right and he has never smiled like i've seen him at least a dozen times since then a few months ago and i know his name's jesse and i go hey jesse and he just he'll nod and he just like can't even like he'll try to smile i don't know you must be a little bit fucking daffy if you're working in a goodwill for long enough that I've seen you a dozen times, like, no, you don't, you're not a regular at a goodwill,

even if you are, because they aren't like, you can go there week after week. Oh, good point. You're not going to see the same people, but if the, if the staff keeps changing,

you're not a regular. I know. And I don't know that you're there often. We talked about this. There's a fucking Tucson comic that's very funny. It's Rebecca Tingley's husband. I'm blanking on his name now. Fox. Scott Fox?

Sean Fox? Fuck. Anyway, yeah, the day we did a podcast talking about, I want to get someone who works at Goodwill or worked at Goodwill on the podcast, I went to the open mic at Bumstead's, and he's talking about when he worked at Goodwill. Oh, wow. And I said, oh, we were just talking about,

we wanted to get someone on the podcast that worked at Goodwill. And they both looked at me and then looked away like all right maybe maybe my uh my son's girlfriend works at goodwill here at sierra vista long time oh she just started there a couple weeks ago but she works there full time oh we're gonna fucking set her up with hidden cameras and microphones undercover this is what the podcast needs when i'm back in my new house see she digs it she's she plans on working there full time and like she her only complaints is that like they can't buy shit right away she's like what the fuck we have to wait and give the public the first shot at this shit that's bullshit you know why and so so like she's just to figure out ways to hide shit well no she can do it behind the behind the scenes

she can maybe she has to be anonymous She can move it behind a rack or something. Maybe she has to be anonymous. I don't want to get her fired. Yeah. Yeah, that's a... What would your reason for leaving? I see on your resume, Goodwill Industries. And you were let go?

It was their decision. You wanted to continue working at Good goodwill but they said no can you we've never seen this on an application so right right away like in her first like in her first week she came over and she like she said uh somebody donated a bunch of stuff and in it was like a kobe bryant i don't know in it was like a Kobe Bryant. I don't know what it was fucking painting some, something Kobe Bryant. They immediately put it and sold it on eBay for like five grand.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what happens now is they pull the stuff that never even makes it to the floor. Cause he, cause you can go online on goodwill for Tucson and there'll be a list of the things at goodwill for sale online that never hits the floor. Yeah. Oh, I just.

Yeah, they are the Goodwill radio, which they play in every Goodwill. It'll drive you the fuck out of. Are you talking about the music that's in the. Call it Goodwill radio. OK. Listen to Goodwill radio. Maybe they don't say that anymore they used to uh but they they always have the same commercials hi uh i uh i went to rehab and uh you know always make the best choices in life and thanks to goodwill i and they're just

really painful commercials and i swear chad and I have been swapping recommendations for Audible books. And I just read the biography Leif Garrett. Leif Garrett. Leif Garrett. Leif Garrett. It was pretty good. I enjoyed the story. He was a teen idol in the 70s.

And then he paralyzed this buddy. Really sad. Yeah, he was 17, and he coked out drunk and went off a cliff. Spoiler alert. But the narrator sounds exactly like this recurring commercial about the kid who didn't always make the best choices in life. But, you know, thanks to Goodwill Industries, I'm going to, I'm like, you sound just as douchey as that guy. But I can recommend the book, Idle, I was going to say Idle Threats.

Idle Truth. Idle Threats still listen to the whole thing, even if you can't stand the narrator. I'll cut him right the fuck off. I speed it up. I'll just shut it the fuck up. I kick out the minute the minute it becomes irritating to me. I stop and Ericksonson gets on me about it. I do the same thing in movies.

If I'm not getting it, I just move on to something else. I'll switch to, I'll find the written book, and I'll immediately go read the book if it's that interesting. But if the narrator is poor, I cannot fucking finish them. I generally, even if the narrator is poor i cannot finish them i generally even if the narrator is fine i generally go up to at least a buck 20 speed buck and a quarter uh and that you just yeah yeah if there's like mouth sound issue uh situation uh smacky uh then yeah i usually speeding it up and the white noise of driving will will correct that see there's been some some it's some talk on the uh audible reddit uh uh about the speeds of

audio of audiobooks in my opinion is the narrators work really hard to nail the cadence and speed of their reading. And a lot of people will speed them way up. But they don't account for the to-do list of the reader. Maybe that reader's got shit to do and wants you to be done about two hours earlier than you planned. There are some that I have sped up, depending on the, if it's, you know, depending on the narrators. But for the most part, I listen to everything at regular speed. When I do editing a couple of times, I've done audio book editing so far. I really do take care to make sure that when I drop in or I punch in like a retake that I give the space that someone would in the sentence.

But I'm not offended that someone wants to just fucking steamroll that and listen to it at two times speed. Bert Kreischer while he's drinking wine on the fucking treadmill. I don't mind that. I wouldn't say offended at all. No, I just think that that's the pace that it it flows at to me you know uh that's the where i feel like i might miss something in the interpretation i guess i don't know yeah i i'm pretty strong on knowing what my interpretation is speaking and uh and sometimes i do have it

too quick like all right you're getting ahead of yourself. But Leaf Garrett, not one I go, oh, did I miss some subtitles? What was that? What was that last bit? Damn it. Well, these podcasts that you've been recommending, I've been burning through them. And those are, I mean, I guess, you know, some of those are a little drawn out.

I guess maybe I haven't tried those on a a speedier pace and that that maybe those wouldn't suffer yeah a bit bitter bitter blood is that that was my recommendation on issues with andy last week because we had talked about succession so much over there and when you recommended that that was perfect all right and the other one was oh that was the one i was gonna just mention and i i like i get to a place where i'm never gonna tweet something fucking negative about someone but that i had i had a problem with the other one i won't even here's what i do i'm gonna not mention your podcast series uh and i'm a big fan of your work. I think both Chad and I and probably Chaley have read several of your books, and he had a podcast series, and he couldn't pronounce the name properly.

He had such a thick British accent and sounded somewhat asphyxiated in the womb, asphyxiated in the womb like special northern northern England accent I can't remember ah shit now I can't even look it up the name of the person

Carol was the name of the person the book is about. And he would say, Calloway. What are you saying, Carol? I had to actually Google search. Oh. Like a third grader with a lisp.

Don't read your own books. If you can't say the name, you're gonna have to say literally hundreds and hundreds of times hey cavo cowell i i can't do the accent and i can't do and british at the same time i know who you're talking about that would drive an editor mad especially if they weren't for there for the recording they just get dumped onto this job and it's like oh every fucking time now we can't talk about the story that we're it's all right because i was kind of gonna shit on the book anyway because it leads you it it brings you into a conspiracy that after six or whatever episodes of the you know hour-long 40 minute long episodes of this conspiracy at the end well there was no conspiracy and so you see how you could

have been easily led into a conspiracy by listening to these people but and then he's it's almost like if you ever saw Penn and Teller's show in Vegas where they do magic and then deconstruct how they did it except for a trick or two. No, their actual live show in Vegas. They would do magic and then show you alright, this is how the bullshit works. But they would

leave enough actual unexplained magic that you go whoa, for the idiots. Alright, so that's an anti unexplained magic that you go, whoa, for the idiots. All right. So that's an anti-suggestion. I didn't see it. I didn't even mention it. Let's just go ahead and skip over that one.

Yeah. Yeah. But I did like... Is that another book? A pretty good one. Yes. What do you want to say or not say? Isn't that the one I was just talking about?

No. No, wasn't it? No, that was, you were talking about the other one. Wait. Whisper it. Well, shit. Now she's going to have to edit it. You were describing the other

one. This is the one that, like, it sounds like a conspiracy. Wait, no, I'm fucking, yeah, I'm fucking everything. All right. Did I have some pot? is the one that uh like it sounds like a conspiracy wait no i'm yeah i'm everything all right did i have some pot yeah yeah you did i'm pretty sure right right before we crack the mics i'm pretty sure i know what i'm talking about yeah usually around the 45 minutes after i have the pot i go why am i oh that's why i forgot do you want me to make you you know what i hate to do whatever whatever you'd have to order pot and get your friends and talk in code you're like just order

pot i hate when we have to start talking in code because then i'm stoned as fuck i was smoking weed this whole time i don't know what the fuck we're talking about now can't start talking in code at the end of the podcast Stan Holtz. Yeah, pot and code begins the podcast. Later on, it's just too messy. We didn't even exchange code sheets at the beginning of the podcast. I didn't know we were going to have code. I have no idea

what books you were talking about. I'm just going to tell you right now, and then you can edit the whole thing out. I have to edit anything anyway. I thought he was talking about the – That's the one I was talking about. Okay. Yes.

Okay. I am – This was pretty good. Yes. Okay. I don't know. Yeah, we listened to both of those. Yeah, I was – yeah, all Yeah, I was screwed up too.

So let's pretend... I blurted it out. No one knows what the fuck. I cut everything that was too much of a clue. And I cut when you said... I'm the one who looks like a dick. You should. You're fine.

You're fine. You're fine. Now I'm just going to keep saying one of their names to make it better and just make it worse. I'm going to keep picking at it, and I'm going to make it worse. Say one name with the other name, and then switch them. No, don't do anything to make this harder for me to edit. Yeah, that's the one. All right.

Cabo. Do you have anything else, Doug, that you want to talk about? I don't want you editing anything. I swear to God, I'm going to find a local chump who knows how to do your job as easily with a – Oh, thank you. Mixed up. Yes. And I'll put out my own unedited podcast.

That's fine. Go for it. A Dixie cup and a string. That's the name of my production company. I never saw that picture anywhere. I have the video somewhere. That was beautiful. Forgot all about that, dude. You just said that. video somewhere. Forgot all about that.

You just said that. Oh, actually doing it? When we did that. Let's close on that. I'll run that at the end of the podcast. We did that. You did? To Bruce's? No. We did the Dixie cup in a string.

All right. Settle down. I went, Doug had some pot about 57 minutes ago. Oh, my God. He had a pot. All right. And he did that whole thing of his podcast. And now I had to bleep that out.

And now he can't remember that you guys set up a total gag in the governor's suite at the pyramid. When Tracy and I went down to eat or to go get something down in the shop, you guys decided to make it look like you were doing a podcast on Dixie Cups. Oh, that. Yeah. Okay. I thought. All right. We plugged the cords into.

You went into the gear bag and you took extension cords. At the table. Sorry. I thought you meant like, because I remember our neighbor, Bruce, across the street years ago said he left a note in our mailbox saying, hey, I think it was before I even texted. texted hey let me get your number so i can text you or your email so i can email you something some technology that was completely unnecessary if you cross the street on van dyke so we were going to set up we were going to run a dixie cup and string saying hey we don't have the internet or we don't text or whatever it was but here use this and we're gonna run across the street a dixie cup and a string i thought we had done something how would they know that about

bruce well no that's a lot of backstory for something that happened when i didn't even live there well that was the first thing that came to mind when you said you already did this like what i already did yeah that pot kicked in yeah not the thing we did a week and a half ago yeah where all of us were there and we would all be talking about like normally video evidence it's not in the last. I love fun. Five minutes. You have a parting shots here, Doug? Let me see.

No, no. Oh, Chicago, Chicago. I don't know. I spent all morning. The movie is going to run at the Pickwick Theater from September 1st. The one you did the show at? It's, yeah. The Pickwick and Favall. It's right next to the Emerald Isle where we filmed.

It's right in that neighborhood, right by Chicago O'Hare. Unfortunately, it's September 1st for a week. And that's Friday of Labor Day. So when I was looking up flights, I'm like, yeah, I want to be there. I'm not saying I'm not going to be there. I'm not saying I'm definitely going to be there. I want to be there for the opening night. I probably will spend the time you watch the movie in a bar next door where we filmed, but I'll meet you afterwards and go, hey, that was a hoot, right? Everyone in a

good mood? Come on, it's Friday night. You can do better than that. Who's in the mood to party after watching it? Yeah. September said september 1st yeah september 1st this is what i've like the director doesn't give me a lot of information uh just like he directs yeah that's fine that was fine what you did no it's great great he knew how to get out of the way yeah uh so he he told me it's running between him and hennigan they told me it's gonna run at that theater for a week uh and then it's at some point in october it's gonna be on some streaming service but pickwick theater friday night uh september 1st and that's i mean it's it's right by O'Hare.

So I've been looking at, oh, if I fly Delta, I need a stop. I can fly American, they have one nonstop. I could zip in, stay at the Hilton on points at the airport, zip in, zip out, but really, should I? And Gliena, the director, said he's trying to put together a comedy show to, you know, pump up the film of all the comics that are in the movie. And, well, if I don't have an act for that cruise ship, I don't have an act for the Pickwick Theater. Well, you could host.

I could host. Exactly where I was going. Hey, is Christine gone? I have no idea. We should find out. I think host exactly where it's going. Hey, is Christine gone? I have no idea. We should find out. I think Christine's seen it enough. Okay. Fair enough.

All right. Nathan, any catch up with you, Chad? No. There's a way to share Audible books. And I looked it up and it just was a just too much information but if you're an audible fan out there let us know there should be a way that if i buy a fucking audible book it should be no different than i bought a paperback where i should be able to share it with chad and oh no yeah i mean the only thing i've found is you can like share your

library like as a family member like like, where you share it. As suggestions. Where you can listen to mine and I can listen to yours, which is complicated. Yeah. But, like, just to show you mine and I show you yours is, I don't know. I don't think so. That's never worked out for me. I don't, I don't, yeah.

That leads to, that leads to bad stuff. No, no i don't i don't think there's that stuff hey yeah you know what since i am here uh there is i i'm doing a i'm gonna have a thing coming up soon like a kindle the ebook thing that i'm putting out soon oh yeah and i'll have uh i'll put out links to that but nobody's on twitter anymore everybody's giving up on that uh yeah i don't know now that i get this phone figured out i don't know if we uh i had a phone that i bought like over a year ago that's a it's still an android so that block blocks me a lot of places but uh it has like a really good video camera the other phone was a a6 i think it's 15 years old i don't know uh so yo i'll get the new phone and i'll have this so i

but i had to prepare myself to switch phone numbers because i bought this new phone and i'm gonna keep the old phone uh but i so for a year and a half, I've been putting it off. And then one morning, I just woke up last week and went, I could probably just switch the phone numbers. I don't have to, like, I could just get the new phone, have my old phone number. So I don't have to change all of my things online to a new phone number. I was just dreading this inevitability that and then am i gonna tell everyone my new phone number and who am i gonna leave out it's a big well you know uh mobile phone portability only went into effect nationwide in 2005 so you're i mean you're, I mean, you're, you're close. Well, it's not, I didn't change carriers. I just changed. Federally they had to do it back in like 2005 because it was,

it was a way for the phone companies to get you to, you know, to keep you down because you would never move because you didn't want to change your phone number. Yeah. That's so portability made you be able to take your phone number when you change carriers to a different carrier. I didn't want to change your phone number. Yeah, that's... So portability made you be able to take your phone number when you changed carriers. To a different carrier. I didn't change carriers. I just added yet another phone to my catalog

of fucking AT&T fucking phones. You're high. Yeah, anyway, I figured out oh i'll just uh yeah now i have a phone that can do instagram so uh eventually i want to make an instagram video with my producer my director bingo just to promote this movie at the pickwick theater september 1st through 8th, I guess that seven days would be. Yeah. Yeah, we're going to put that out on Instagram. Probably not TikTok. I don't think we're TikTok ready.

I don't know what TikTok is. I'm sorry. Yeah. Oh, shit, that fucking. What? That Julia Popov is coming back from Chicago. Yeah. She's in Chicago, yeah.

Colonoscopy on Monday. Julia Popov on Tuesday. Julia Popov is coming back from Chicago. Yeah. She's in Chicago, yeah. Colonoscopy on Monday. Julia Popov on Tuesday. Julia Popov on Tuesday. Then her dentist. Don't get those mixed up. Yeah, no. I'm just on Wednesday. I think that's OnlyFans.

You're thinking OnlyFans, Shaylee. Yeah, that's not TikTok. You're getting kicked off. Chad, our love to Jenny. It was such a pleasure to have her on the road. That was fun. Oh, man, we appreciated it so much. We had a good time.

We got to go to that place. I'm not even going to mention the name, but that little tiny place that is just on the way to where we used to go in Silver City Pinos Altos hey you want to play a uh the tiniest town in Arizona no but I want to I want to come drink there so yeah some Friday or Saturday night because uh they have a open a live stage outdoors i go okay that would be cool but not on a monday uh when it's just us and the acoustic guitar player you know sometimes i play to nobody so i'm just glad you're here please continue to make eye contact don't table talk play for tips here's another gordon lightfoot who's in

Here's another Gordon Lightfoot who's in. Oh, I heard that. Yeah. There goes that suit. That's why I don't lend him mics. Hey, by the way, I did figure out all by myself. Whoa, honey. Yeah. Oh, honey! Yeah.

I feel like I can smell that, but I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Bingo. I put a, yeah, I'm going to eat these little at a time. I figured out how to pull one out. It's just funny. Oh, I have a disability. Bingo, just take a shot of here. Just take a shot of here, Just take a shot of here. Okay.

Fuck. I'm dying. Go. Okay. I love you. Bye. Fuck. Bye.

Bye now. God damn you. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Редактор субтитров А.Семкин Корректор А.Егорова