The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Doug Stanhope Podcast #528 - "Been Caught Stealin"
Episode Date: September 2, 2023Has Doug's criminal enterprise finally come to an end? September 15th, 2023 Doug will be hosting the Shady Dell Comedy night with Billy Wayne Davis and featuring Andy Andrist and Kristine Levine. Tick...ets at https://www.bwdtour.com/ Shady Dell info - https://www.theshadydell.com/ Thank You Patreon Subscribers. We could not do this without your ongoing support. Recorded Aug 25th, 2023 at the Quiet House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), and Ggreg Chaille in Boise, ID. Produced and Edited by Chaille. Signed copies of "This Is Not Fame" available while supplies last at Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - TryFUM.com - Support the show & head to https://www.tryfum.com & use the code STANHOPE to save an additional 10% off your order today. FACTOR - Support the show AND get 50% off delicious Factor meals at https://www.factormeals.com/STANHOPE50 and use code STANHOPE50 The Shady Dell - Located in Bisbee, Arizona. The Shady Dell Vintage Trailer Court has been a sought after destination in Southern Arizona for over 3 decades. Friday, Saturday and Sundays, Dot’s Diner serves up savorous breakfast dishes, mouthwatering burgers, and creamy, delicious shakes and more. Whether you stay a night, weekend, or week, The Shady Dell welcomes you. https://www.theshadydell.com/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Support the podcast at www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcastJoin Doug's Mailing List - http://www.DougStanhope.com TOUR DATES - https://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates Photo by CHAILLESupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast
Transcript
Discussion (0)
you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast got it there you are yeah i know i don't know
if i'm getting uh otherwise what's the difference between like eczema or plaque psoriasis
what i don't know i'm getting like just go to a doctor rashy no i'm not going no fucking this is how it starts
we talked about this i get a fucking colonoscopy i get blood work it's all like i just paid fucking
358 dollars i'm insured just for the guy i had to drive way out of my way to palomino's to get set up for wait i already
know i have to go for a colonoscopy why do i have to go drive to palomino's 25 minutes away
for you to go yeah looks like uh you're getting set up for a colonoscopy i go yeah that's what
i thought i was coming here for no you just tell me that and then charge me
385 dollars no i get what kind of insurance because that just happened to mine what hang
on i gotta turn your volume up all right go ahead can you how's that test test one two hello
How's that? Test, test. One, two. Hello. I'm just yelling at you. Anyway, the point is, I never shaved because it always irritates
my face, but now I'm getting... And you know what? According to the commercials, if I have
plaque psoriasis, I have mild and all the commercial... What's plaque psoriasis. I have mild.
What's plaque psoriasis?
I don't fucking know.
It sounded like you knew.
All the drugs, Chaley, they cure moderate to severe.
Yeah.
If this is just mild, well, no, nothing cures mild.
You just have to have a fucking irritating spot on your face that you keep picking at where our jig is up chaley i don't know if you know uh i don't even want to say i was
an ice thief at safeway uh-oh i was i liberated ice and i did it kind of like robin hood if you want to be honest i was
basically like robin hood because safeway these cunts or kroger or albertsons they're all the
same fucking stink with a different name they're the same what they do is they, oh, you have to get the app to get, oh, do you want fucking 100 pounds of chicken for 15 cents?
And that's the one thing. But you have to have a really expensive phone.
Well, you know what? If you can afford a thousand dollar phone to get the digital app.
Then you don't need a thousand pounds of chicken for a nickel.
The point is, I would be very upset when they had these sales
only for people who can afford a smartphone.
Because as you know, with the fucking diphtheria hordes
of fucking homeless, diseased fucking tweakers in the parking lot.
You know what?
They're the ones that actually need the nickel chicken.
But they can't get it because they don't have a fucking app where they can scan.
And so forever, I was being Matt Becker-ish in my Luddite with a purpose vision of,
fuck you, I'm not getting your app.
I'll just steal to make up for it.
So what I would do is steal a bag of ice every time I needed ice,
which was pretty-
When you would walk out after you'd buy your groceries,
you would walk past the ice machine, load up as if you'd pay for it
and if you get caught you go oh i thought i told them to put it on there i did tell them no i
absolutely did tell him didn't you hear me jaylee yes oh i thought bingo told him while i was doing
a thing yeah you know what if i go to their toilet it's free and they have water they all you did is freeze it it's really it's and you know what
i didn't get your fucking nickel chicken deal because i don't have i do have a smartphone in
fact i finally have one that will scan an app i mean or scan a thing a a fucking QR code, QVC code.
Yeah, I got it.
But I still been stealing the ice.
With the people in the parking lot.
Do you remember, Chaley?
I don't know if I ever told you this on the podcast.
It's when I knew I needed help.
Redoing Safeway.
They were remodeling and doing a lot of construction.
At night,
they were actually moving aisles, redoing floor that was bad,
and then moving all
the products to different aisles
so every day you'd go in there and stuff
would be different.
Employees didn't
even know what the fuck was going on.
It was awful.
But I remember they had a porta potty set up out front,
and it took me a minute because, like,
the homeless fucking tweaker element has,
they've always been around, but in the last few years,
like, overwhelming, like, the parking lot where, you know,
build the wall, build the
wall or something. All right. When I knew the names of the homeless people, hey, there's Brokey's
out again. He's yelling at traffic. But yeah, when it got to these kids today with their homelessness
and they don't even ask you for anything, you see, well, you can't just live here.
I understand targets of opportunity. It's one of the few places you could beg change but you're
not begging change you're tweaking out you're talking to yourself behind a fucking trash can
and that's when they had porta potties out front and for a minute i'm only thinking about the
fucking tweakers and i go they better not have put those fucking porta-potties out for the homeless.
And immediately dialed back in, really?
Is that what you've become, Stan Hope?
A guy that doesn't want the homeless to have adequate shitting situations?
They should shit out in the street
and on a piece of cardboard
like my grandfather's homeless.
Anyway, so I stole ice.
But I mean, you've been doing it for years.
Yeah, yeah, for a lot of years liberating
ice yeah
and if
poor people asked me for
ice I would have given them some
Doug when they hold their cup out
it's not for ice it's for change
so what happens is our girl, Susie, I see her once and then –
She's a checker at Safeway.
Yeah.
I'm sure we talk about her.
She's the antithesis to Sherry.
Susie is the best.
Sherry is the worst.
Sherry won't retire.
She's past her retirement and then just keeps coming in because
this is her social hour like no one wants to fucking talk to you you fucking hag
anyway so suzy i'm going through suzy's lines and uh i i actually this time i literally only
bought salmon i'm going back up to the north house and uh i got salmon i'm just
standing with just salmon she goes did you want me she's a friend of ours mind you and uh she
comes around to hug you when you go us me and bingo yeah so for her to say, and did you want me to charge you for a bag of ice as well?
And I said, no, I'd just steal it if I needed it. She goes, I know. That's why I'm asking.
I go, Ooh, are they onto me? She goes, they're onto you. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's like the great pillow caper from the Four Points.
When Bingo would always take a ratty old pillow in, we'd spend the night before a trip at the airport, and then she'd walk out with a brand new Four Points pillow.
And years later, when we were talking to one of the gals that works that works at the bar yeah they knew every housekeeper
says every time they stay here the pillows disappear or they get downgraded pillows in
the room that we were in uh that yeah i've been been trying to steal two rolls of toilet paper
minimum for every day i'm at this hotel now uh which has been extended i don't know i don't
if i'm back in my house i'll fucking tell you but the one they put me in now
are extended the marriott they're still trying to fuck me on points for the last six weeks i've
been there i'm there till the end of sept at least again. So yeah, don't fucking
ask me. When I'm back in the house, I'll tell you. It is looking good. There's progress being made.
But I've been trying to steal two rolls of toilet paper a day for every day.
And what's the goal there?
I just remember Olivia Grace, when the pandemic happened and I got home, she had bought me online like 96 rolls of some single ply shitty.
But that's a serious situation where people were hoarding toilet paper.
It became one.
We didn't know that initially.
We didn't.
Olivia was ahead of the curve with her paranoia.
Yeah, and she was at home. She was
in Bisbee, so I
showed up and like, oh, I get 96
rolls of fucking
single-ply gas station
toilet paper. Prison toilet paper.
Prison toilet paper, but toilet paper
nonetheless.
And that
lasted.
And a lot of this
is because Bingo was over
here at the Quiet House.
So just me and that toilet paper
lasted well
over a year.
I remember at the year mark
going, I still have this.
And I want...
This is good toilet paper.
I'm taking now. I'm not stealing it.
Well, it's not
Charmin. It's still
industrial toilet paper.
No, it is fucking Angel Soft and
Charmin. It depends
on what made car.
The ones you take from
the hotel?
I've seen the wrapping paper.
I think
Angel is on them.
Angel Soft is a great brand.
They're both fucking... Come on, this is a fucking...
It's a residence goddamn inn.
They're not going to give you...
The point is, I will
come out with over a year's worth of toilet
paper if I play it
the way I'm playing it uh
and that's it's a nice feeling to at least after a i'm not saying a year because when it's
if if it if it makes it to a year anniversary to this thanksgiving coming up
november 21st actually would be the one year.
I want to look up
the laws. I just
oh, I ate meat tonight.
I think this is the only second
time I've eaten red meat since May.
And I ran out
of A1 sauce, which I also
steal. Like when I was going to Denny's all the time
when I first had to move up north after the fire I'd go to Denny's all the time and I'd always ask
for A1 sauce and it's I still have like three bottles up there what are the the rules I keep
meaning to google this but I'll let you do it and send me the emails, people, about stealing condiments that are free.
Toilet paper in a hotel is free.
These are free.
So at what point can they press charges for you stealing something that they give away?
charges for you stealing something that they give away.
Bibles, we kind of know the thing on Bibles is the Gideons put them in hotel rooms hoping you're going to take them.
Probably not hoping you're going to sell them.
Well, no, actually, no, they do hope that.
Hey, we put more Bibles in the homes of heathen than the Gideons themselves.
Yeah.
Personally responsible for so
so yeah let me know uh yeah let me know the the rules on stealing condiments
but you're not saying ketchup packets you're saying like if you ask for uh yes salt and pepper on the table can you get me salt and pepper and they bring it can you take the salt and pepper on the table. Can you get me salt and pepper? And they bring it. Can you take the salt and pepper from the table?
No, I'm talking about ketchup packets, anything that they give for free.
Can't you just take all of it?
If they have Taco Bell has wells of little packets of hot, mild Diablo, Diablo by ass. I'm taking it for free.
And then it's spilling out from under your arms.
And then the guy is like helping you steal it.
Like, oh, thanks for shopping at Taco Bell.
Oh, you dropped something, sir.
Yeah, it's mounds of your Diablo sauce.
Please, please put it in a bag and follow me.
I do know that they only give you like two per flavor at the drive-thru.
Well, they should.
And then if you ask for one more, they give you a handful.
It's always the worst.
None of it makes sense.
The fucking waste at drive-thrus.
I remember when I was a wasteful person it
annoyed me like who needs 16 napkins for a McDonald's cheeseburger it doesn't
even drip like there's nothing about that yeah it is it is you could give me
a cheeseburger to wipe my mouth after.
Yeah, if I ate like the fucking filet mignon that I ate tonight,
at least had a little bit of juice,
I could use a McDonald's cheeseburger to tamp off, maybe cure this eczema.
Plaque psoriasis would be funnier to have than eczema. Did you shave today?
Perhaps that's a... No, I shaved a few days ago and that's the problem. Lately it's, I
don't know if it's humidity related. I haven't done anything different. I did
eat butter tonight and that could affect it but that didn't happen after you ate butter right no no I butter after it happened so I don't know I'm off my
diet a little bit cuz a doubling up on the drugs they gave me that they say I
don't need anymore they don't do it's my own fucking thing. I know how to self-medicate. I know how to cheat these doctors,
but I know we're going on the train. First of all, I really wanted to push this train thing
on someone. I wish anyone was actually boots on ground in Bisbee that just lived here that i felt comfortable with that
could try to walk me through uh the the instagram like i i i put out one thing from a year ago us
hitting golf balls i'm like i'm gonna try this video and then the next day hennigan calls me
like you actually did a reel on Instagram, I go,
well, I don't know how I did it, because every time I try, and since then, yeah, I filmed, like,
40 seconds of me saying some shit, and evidently, it went out, and only 12 seconds of it went out,
oh, it trimmed my video, and I, what the fuck, I'm going on a train where I have been, Chaley, I have been
watching these travelogue Amtrak things like, okay, let me reacquaint myself with the fucking
sleeper cars and the roommates and the fucking what's happening. And I watched these, the most
boring travelogues. I go, we can have so much fucking fun. I bought all this shit. I bought the ring
light, a six-inch ring light with a fucking stand for my phone that can go in my room at car table,
and I can do travelogues, but not the boring shit they're doing. Oh, and the sleeper car is 36
inches wide and seven feet. How about fuck you? How about these assholes are fucking stagging up
their luggage on top of my luggage
and I got my fucking Yahtzee board
and I don't have room. And fuck you.
$17
for a flute of fucking champagne?
Here. Here's
exactly. I can make it fun.
$55 and a half.
I don't know about fun. Now it sounded angry.
I know. That's fun. Now it sounded angry. I know.
That's fun.
Yes, angry is fun.
What they do, you know, when we are in a dining car,
and I did tweet about this, and this is what I really wanted to push.
Hey, we're going up on August 28th on the Texas Eagle. We're coming back on Sunday the 3rd on the Texas Eagle.
This goes from Tucson.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
No.
We're not going up on the 8th.
28th.
We leave August 28th.
Yeah.
And the train goes through fucking El Paso, San Antonio, Austin, Dallas, St. Louis.
It goes north, right?
Yeah.
Like all these places where, hey, if it's during the day or a reasonable hour, we did this the last time we took a train.
Hey, bring your books by and I'll get off at whistle stops.
Oh, that's right.
And send your books.
Yeah. And one guy already said, hey, I'm going to jump on to go from, like,
San Antonio to Austin and then just fucking take the train back.
Or I don't know.
That's an hour away or something.
So, yeah, we're looking forward to that.
And here's the thing.
I looked up. we have a sleeping car
but just coach private car that you know like like we did before we were on the california
yeah it's yeah it's it we're in a room that it's tight but we get free meals point is even coach the coach seats on Amtrak are better than first class
seats on airplanes they have the full the problem is and and and it was 121 dollars
each way to go coach 55 fucking hours all the way from tucson all the way up to chicago 55 hours in coach 121 bucks
problem is when it's 121 a lot of fucking felons are going to be in the seats beside you
and they don't care if they say don't smoke in the bathroom Don't drink your own alcohol and pass it over the seats to your other fucking biker buddies.
I told you that one time that we took a train from Union Station into overnight train trip from Union Station to Benson.
And there's basically a platform that they stop.
And Bingo was going to pick us up.
Well, in the middle of the night from LA to Benson,
like someone just yelled,
who fucking shit their pants?
Like at two in the morning, right?
God damn it.
And you're like, you wake up.
What the fuck?
This guy just rallying. Fuck shit their pants.
And it's like, this is what you get. This is normal. No, there
was no one who came in to say what was the problem. Everyone
just might have hunkered down. I don't know. Did I step in
something? Fuck it was fucking livid.
And there's nothing.
And that's what you get when you're traveling overnight.
All right, let's play a commercial.
I got to throw my shit in the dryer.
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Well, that didn't hurt at all, did it?
I'm afraid we already talked about this on a podcast,
but I would love to do a train trip.
Like Kreischer is doing the Booze Cruise.
Not Booze Cruise, but an actual cruise.
You can go on Burt Kreischer Cruise.
I think it would be funny to do a fucking,
we take over an Amtrak because coach is fucking fantastic everything about Amtrak is fantastic if you
can take it over and sell it out before they let all the fucking stabby crazy people on
because I could I'd fucking I've done cross country as a youth youth. I did Worcester to L.A.
I did Worcester to...
What?
How many hours was Worcester to L.A.?
What?
How many hours was Worcester to L.A.?
It's four days.
And you're still doing this, rocking for a few days afterwards you just it doesn't leave you and
then my dad and i did it in a sleeping car i did round trip cross country with a sleeping car with
my dad and then coach on the way back um yeah i did that several times as a kid. And the fucking seats are amazing. And it's just two by two.
There's no middle seat.
And the cafe car is open all day, cocktailing.
And, of course, it's so easy to sneak your own booze on.
That's why you'll be.
Everyone's mulling fucking drugs.
Of course you can bring my booze.
But that happened there was a fucking a murder in
tucson where fucking dea came on and raided a fucking train and then spotted two guys and
there was a shootout and i don't know if they killed a cop or just a guy one of the guys who
had had fucking weed on them again it's weed is like this you really fucking I don't
know all I know is bingo and I are now wearing sleeper cars so we get free
dinner in the dining cars so what that means is you go up to the dining car.
You arrange your time.
You reserve your time.
And then they seat you.
If you're a twosome, they seat you with another couple.
And then you have to sit in a very close.
And nobody on Amtrak.
Like all those stabby people in the back i could have a conversation with like i wouldn't
want to share the seat with them but if we're gonna have a meal i can go oh yeah what's up
with that tattoo on your eyelid oh it's on both your eyelids they just blink in opposite times
um they they have something interesting to tell you.
Bingo just came off a flight when she was flying back from wherever.
Was she in Denver?
Yeah, she was up seeing her sister.
And I picked her up, and she introduced me to the lady of a certain age
that she had been drinking with the whole time on the flight from Salt Lake
on our connection
and her husband was there to pick her up and we both had the same car and it was because she flew
coach and you meet cool people in coach. Nobody talks to you in first class, which is kind of
an unspoken rule that they should. Hey, do you want to make a friend? Fly coach, save a buck or
two, and meet someone that, yeah, first class? No, no, no eye contact. So, but, so the dinners,
meals, it's 55 hours each way. So it will be 110 hours.
This is if Amtrak doesn't fuck up like they always do and make you a day late.
So 110 hours, that's probably going to be a dozen meals with strangers.
So we do.
How many meals a day is it?
Is it three?
Three, yeah.
Lunch, dinner?
Yep.
All right.
So what we do on trains has always been since even before bingo.
Renee and I was the,
what lie are we going to tell them about what we do for a living?
Because that's where you're from.
We could lie about that.
What you do is what we lie about on the road
and that's where i don't know where we reuse this a couple times but that was the origination of
when renee and i told a couple we do uh christian pornography where it's uh it's like pornography but it always ends in conception and the the money shot is the
delivery of the baby uh and i i don't i don't know how we held on to that uh without but the idea is
to do what we do on the road you check into a hotel are you here for a business or pleasure
a business we you know we repair uh shopping carts with wiggly wheels overnight that was a good one
yeah and then we had bible salesmen because we always had the bibles
oh and uh another something like that oh we're in a christian rock band we don't believe that
shit but that's where the money is so yeah we're working on that uh we're working on uh just
packing i'm trying to be minimalist but i have to have one show uh they must know the movie's
premiering for yeah yeah there's ads in the in's ads in the podcast, and that's the reason you're going to Chicago.
Yeah.
And the reason we're taking the train is because that makes it a vacation
because we got two and a half days up there, four nights there,
and then two and a half days unless Amtrak fucks us over,
which they have so many times.
I think from the first time, second time I took Amtrak fucks us over which they have so many times I think from the first time second time I took Amtrak I've been fucked almost every time last
time we had to take a plane for part of it because they go oh we're delayed so
much we're gonna put you on a bus from fucking the out in the outskirts and to
all the way to fucking Dallas or some shit.
I'm like, fuck this.
I'll just go to a, I'll catch up with your train later.
Well, passenger trains don't have priority.
Like we've talked about this before because in Canada,
where we got waylaid for over 24 hours, the freight owns the lines.
Amtrak rents the line or rents the use of it.
So yeah, anything that goes wrong uh uh freight
you got to get those strawberries to the east coast you know and that's that's you're uh you're
basically a meat bag cargo no one gives a shit yeah well if if we get delayed and someone says
supply chain to me i'm gonna fucking smash a glass and cut their face i'm like no supply chain to me, I'm going to fucking smash a glass and cut their face.
I'm like, no, supply chain cuts in front of me getting here,
and I'm the supplies that need to be here.
We have a podcast studio.
I would love to read you.
Gary Lucy.
We have keys to this podcast studio it's like 400 square feet of rental space over there across from you're not in it and i'm not in it this is something totally new yeah and
christine levine's new boyfriend who we all know gary uh I've known him since the 90s, is a sweetheart. He is a bit
of a mental defective, not as bad as me with addictions or anything. He just has some quirks
and tics and slightly autistic is how Christine phrases it, which no one I don't think really
knows what autism is, but we all have a feeling when you say autism, you get the picture. I don't think really knows what autism is, but we all have a feeling when you say autism,
you get the picture.
I don't know if it's a real thing the same way.
I don't think addiction is a real thing,
but if you say it in a certain way,
the other person gets it.
So,
so he's been like suggesting different things for accoutrements for sound dampening and things
in the studio and oh here's some things you can buy and i go oh those are cool and cool colors
because we want it to not look cheap and yeah both those it was like a house green is like the
little house green and aqua uh anyway and then he's like what about here's the carpet that uh the dogs have
been peeing on for a month uh for uh since like that probably not the pee rug i don't i can't
tell if he's kidding yeah that's the problem with uh autistic whatever sounds like someone trying to
get rid of a rug they don't want well Well, no, it's fucking, you know how goddamn filthy Christine Levine's house was before she got cancer, thank God,
and it saved her from dying in a hoarder's paradise because she was too fat to fucking.
And those dogs she babysat, all these.
I went in there to drop off groceries once during quarantine,
sat all these i went in there to drop off groceries once during quarantine and they like dug through all the like almost down to the wires of the couch getting so excited because fat people don't walk
dogs and i i never walk dogs but these are dogs that needed to be walked this is awesome who she's
babysitting for backdoor mike and her own fucking stupid labra-fool-dle.
Isn't that a basset hound?
Basset hound, whatever.
It's a giant dog.
Awesome is a rather stout
Staffordshire Terrier.
Yeah, and they jump up on the couch
to see who's walking by.
Yeah.
And then you drop off groceries
and it's just piss and shit and fucking
you don't even know what
oh it's
I hope he's going to clean it up
like Gary's a fucking great
you said that was before though
the quarantine that was
well he showed me a picture
when he's saying hey for the new studio
there's dog pee on it but we could clean it up i mean no i i'll spend the money it's 400 square
feet yeah we can make it look cool for all of us and then uh as the questions kept coming
even from bingo and dave raider i'm like listen we have to wait till Chaley gets home because he's going to be
fucking cunty about the sound and the this and the bouncing off that and the fucking,
and I know we don't need most of it, but we can take half of his suggestions and placate him.
I don't know about cunty. I think that it really is a thing that if you don't have any carpeting
on the ground, you're going to get kind of an echoey
sound in that room i mean that's not cunty that's basically that's audio science yeah
i'm not talking about that i'm talking about
um how many different microphones have we had over the course of this podcast?
I know it's been like 11 years, but how many times have we just like lately decided we should always just have the lavalier microphones?
Yeah, that's what I'm using now.
Well, okay, look.
What happens is we get something and it's like the SM58s, like the microphone you use on stage.
Those are great.
But, you know, you have to hold them.
Then when we got into a studio, we got the SM7Bs from Shure.
Those are the best.
And they're great.
And those, we use those for a couple of years.
And then we moved to different ones.
But, I mean, it's because our business is
sound, Doug. You know, we go to these clubs that have a microphone and a PA system that wouldn't
even be good at a fucking kid's fucking clown party, you know, and their business is sound too.
And it's embarrassing when you don't have the right equipment. And this is what you do is you
put words into a microphone
that gets recorded and then people listen to it.
We should at least have good equipment.
Okay, well, yeah, sound is the number one thing.
I'm sorry, that did sound a little cunty.
Except now we're doing video.
So I want, if we're going to do video,
nobody is comfortable on video since the days where we – I mean, we're comfortable enough.
Speak for yourself, okay?
Because that's really what you mean.
Yeah.
You don't want to see yourself.
So, yes, the mood lighting, if we can look like the Star Chamber, that's a deep track.
What's Star Chamber?
It's a movie.
It was on the cult section.
Oh, shit.
I have to plug these things.
Finish what you're doing.
We'll get to plugs.
All right.
Telemarketers is a – sorry, I said movie.
So Telemarketers on HBO is fucking – we have to get the guy that did this series with me and Tom Konopka to do a podcast all together.
Watch Find Telemarketers on HBO, or they call it Max now.
You know, at what point do you go, fuck you, I'm not calling HBO Max,
I'm not calling Twitter X, and fuck you, I'll be dead before you notice a change.
What was I saying, Jaylee?
We were talking about microphones and equipment,
and I said, I did sound like I became a little cunty there. But it is a thing where, you know,
there's a lot of, especially because of the pandemic, a lot of new equipment came out. You
know, the board we use wasn't in existence four years ago, you know, and stuff just comes around
and you try different things and you're
constantly tweaking.
And that's,
we finally have decided that you like to walk around and get off mic.
So having a lavalier mic makes sense for you.
All right.
So I don't,
I don't know if I talked to you about this or someone when I was showing
them the, where the kitchen is going to be.
At the, at the compound
yeah and like you know what i would love to do not as a cooking show but as though it could
be a cooking show where i could have you know one two or three four guests at that butcher's block
where i'm on the other side and we can have GoPros, which I'm fine
with that fisheye fucking lens of me. It doesn't show that I have fucking gangrenous. Don't pitch
at it. I know I'm not. It's fucking when my hair grows back in and I shave. But if I don't shave,
if I could grow a beard, I don't know. But the point is, I was blocking this out. I don't shave like if i could grow a beard i don't know but the point is i was blocking this
out i don't know for raider or whoever i'm like that way i could stand up i can move i can go to
a cabinet i have lavalier mics and that's the first thing uh i i don't know if it's gary lucy
or someone i fucking looked up oh well as long as you have the the whatever microphone with these uh spit screen
or whatever windscreen no that's not what i'm thinking i was thinking about laughs so i can move
i can go to get a drink like i can't do right now about this yeah something that's pinned to you so
i can wireless wireless yeah like i would on stage yes, like I would on stage.
Yes.
No, like you would on the set of Good Morning America
or whatever those things you used to do.
Yeah, I was always on Good Morning America.
And I'm debating About
I watched the
Two minute trailer for the movie
That they finally put out
The Road Dogg movie which is going to premiere
The 1st to the 8th at the Pickwick Theater
In Chicago
Park Ridge, Illinois
And that's Chicago
And I
Two minutes of watching myself Was more than I could handle.
Good mood.
Whereas acceptable to,
uh,
the,
the process.
And I,
Oh,
did you watch the trailer that they released?
Yeah.
Two minutes and six seconds.
That's,
that's enough.
But is it enough to do a q a on i want to get junior
i have to do a q a i don't have to i'm doing this out of my own pocket
because i want to be there well my movie's going to be playing in a theater for a week and so i'm
a movie star technically and technically i went to the premiere of my movie and did a Q&A after.
It's all about story value.
But I don't want to watch it.
The Q&A is going to ask you questions about filming the movie.
I mean, you don't have to watch the movie to participate in Q&A.
People want to ask you questions about the experience.
Yeah, but I don't remember things you see like if I watched a movie and then the Q&A I would go oh
yeah that scene sucked but if you go hey what was it like I don't know like I know it snowed one day
and I was happy that we didn't have to film it was like two days because the
city shut down i was so happy not to you'll make something funny just by but no i hear
i know i'm thinking on a question yeah but i'm thinking that it would be funny to get a junior
stopka as a plant to just ask me this confeder Confederate in the audience just ask me ridiculous loaded
questions that I have down pat quick answers for yeah yeah yeah do you think cloud seeding is uh
spreading the uh uh non-gmo I don't know well i mean we we do need to say that uh junior lives in chicago
that's that's why it would be uh convenient as well hang on you know what that reminds me of
this commercial break
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honestly, where my diet has changed. I've quit habits where I go, oh, I feel a need for some
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You can be quitting so many things. Quit spending money. Maybe I go fucking hoarding at thrift
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you are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. That's Crip with two P's, CripDaddy.com. And he's going to sign up there, a mailing list,
and also where you can get the album.
It's called Sports Illustrated Comedian Edition.
I look forward to it.
All right, now back to the show.
Oh, hey, Chicago.
Sorry if you saw us at Brouwer House.
Honestly, two of the most
fun shows I had ever
in comedy was
yep, another comedy show
with four white
males was
yeah,
that was with Junior.
God damn it, I can't remember
his fucking name. Come on.
The dwarf. No, Crypt Daddy's the dead man. Oh, the other one. Adam something? god damn it i can't remember his name come on the the the the dwarf no
crypt dad is the other one uh adam something yes adam gilbert saying yeah uh yeah that was
the those were two of the most fun nights of my career and uh we know that fucking Crypt Daddy was going to die And he died
Evidently
He headlined a show
And they brought him out afterwards
And he was eating lazy
This is what I heard
And swallowed some food
Into his lungs
Which is what was happening
With Bingo
Bingo was having that same kind of situation
Yeah we can't give her any So Which is what I was happening with bingo when she was having that same kind of situation when she has great
Yeah, we can't give her any
So yeah, Krip. Daddy is dead. He's gonna go fund me which I did not promote because
If you saw my last special
Yeah, you're fucking saving money by not having to
Just give it of all people give that guy's body to science you don't
need a fucking funeral for money and you know that family is not using his funeral money for a funeral
that guy's already been fucking launched out of a trebuchet into the neighbor's yard they're having a feud with.
They're fucking.
Here, you throw it away.
They're using that GoFundMe money for fucking natty lights.
Honey, there you are.
Hi.
Can you get me a goddamn drink with some ice?
Make sure I'm not on that mode.
Well, just don't get in front of the camera.
You're tricking me into seeing my butt.
No, don't worry. We need less Patreons.
Oh, my God, Chaley, we're going to have such a business meetings.
Tell me what you're doing first, baby.
I don't know.
Whatever you got.
Yeah, I killed this whole thing.
Okay.
I'll surprise you.
Yeah, you give me something nice.
I got it.
Yeah, we're going to have Patreon meetings.
We have to have merch meetings.
We're going to break down everything
once we're back in the house.
Yeah, and
we're going to fucking be putting some shit
up. I'm going through
the 20th anniversary of
Deadbeat Hero and all the
stuff. I want to be
able to put shit out.
When is the 20th anniversary of
Deadbeat Hero?
2024. Oh, no.
Oh, fuck.
Man.
What happened?
I'm not done taking a bath.
Just give me
a piece of that glass.
Sorry.
You don't have to show me. give me a piece of that glass because sorry you don't know how great this glass like this was a full giant rocks glass with do do do do do do yeah it was why are you asking
a girl why don't you just get out of here and go put on shoes? Go.
Tracy never breaks glasses.
You know, Tracy's the best.
And I really feel strongly about her decision to never come back from Austin.
I think.
It's up to her.
Yeah, she's.
She made it up in her mind.
It's a strong call. It's kind of like the way people south of the border, all the way down into Central America and Venezuela even, they make the pilgrimage to come up here to send money back to their relatives.
It's the same way Tracy has gone to Austin to make all this capital and send
most or all of it back to us
and just keep working
otherwise she's gonna get
you know
she has to do
so please
don't just sponsor
the mothership
tip heavily
because that money comes back
to us.
I'm going to check my telemarketers.
I really want to do
that podcast
of me and Tom Konopka
and Sam Littman Stern
from that telemarketers
HBO special.
It's a three-parter. I haven't seen part three.
I'm going to watch that this weekend
because I'm off for the weekend.
I have two days off right now.
You said you were house-sitting,
and that means you should be off all the time.
No, no.
I'm working in my brother's shop while he's gone.
We're in crunch time here, brother.
Right. But since he's gone,
everyone's off for Saturday and Sunday, so I'm off too.
Well, I might be on the lam.
You're leaving tomorrow or Sunday?
Tonight is Friday.
We go back up to Tucson Saturday.
Stay at the North House.
Sunday,
you're getting that other hotel
near the station? Yeah.
Early morning train
if it's on time.
Then we get back
allegedly Amtrak.
You have no idea how fucking wrong amtrak is if you guys
fly and you go uh one time your flight's delayed five hours you're like this is that is
generally amtrak is so delayed there's not no one even looks at a complaint where it says we were
delayed five hours. No one will
call you back. If you see
Amtrak derailed and people
died, half of those
people were like, thank God
I'm out of my misery.
All the people that
died were like, well,
it was just going to get worse if I...
Yeah, I guess that's it for now
yeah we have uh we have we have high hopes we have high hopes
you get back the day after us and i'm scheduled yeah but um
we still have i can't remember it's early or not i might come back that night or i might come back the next day but it all depends we still have airline tickets i was gonna take the train up
and fly yeah not stop back on an airline that is not Delta that sucks.
Then I was like,
I love the train if it works well.
So maybe if the train ride
up sucks, that's what we're going to try to do
our travel journal on
is the ride.
And if it sucks,
then we can just jump on the
Saturday plane.
Otherwise, we take the Sunday
train. We're home around the same
time. We're home in time for football.
Are you
just going to send me
the videos so that I can post them?
Because I can put them right on
Patreon. Yeah, this is the problem,
Chaley.
What's the problem?
I need someone who can fuck.
I can take an hour. I can fucking videotape this entire podcast we just did,
or I can 40 seconds of something,
and when I try to get it out of my phone and send it fucking anywhere.
Oh, okay.
We have to trim it. we have to trim it down to
the point it doesn't make sense so yeah we'll get 12 seconds of you going hey if anyone
was worried about the thing that i just said here's the and that's it yeah yeah yeah what
you put out on instagram and i can't don't know how to fix it but then one day chan uh hennigan says
oh yes yeah you you put something out on reels that's so good of you well i don't know how the
difference is you have no idea what you did so and then a lot of times i trim it and i send it
to bingo and she gets a short version that is all the things remember i complained
about my last phone where i go don't send me videos because it just looks like yeah 1999
buffering i can't even tell what you know morbid thing and so when it trims videos a lot
of times it just does i can't it's not showing up on there i tried to say i
tried to i tried to send you a uh the um what did i try to send you i tried to send you a document
earlier for ad reads and uh your phone won't accept it so i had to email it
my phone won't accept it i was gonna buy a fucking iphone and capitulate to you and i'll go
i i'm not gonna i just i want the fucking iphone i don't want phone service i just want a phone
that i can fill up with footage yeah and hand to chaley and he can do whatever the fuck he wants with
this stupid fucking phone I don't want to call anyone I don't want a monthly
service that's what that's what we do with your the old iPhone you had that
you that you didn't want I used that to record podcasts when we're on the road
video podcasts like when we were in Tennessee i set it up and then i don't have any phone service on
it i just have internet so you're right there you're almost there doug your hair i know it
keeps going in and out yeah when but when it goes out you look somewhere between tom rhodes and
paulie shore what but then but it's all combed back, but the yellow part is...
No, it's really wispy because it's all...
It should be.
Meow.
Meow.
Meow.
Meow.
Meow.
When are you going to be put to sleep?
Meow.
Meow.
Tomorrow.
Meow. All right.
Let's get out of here.
All right.
Well, I hope you have a great trip.
I have a fucking betting app that is going to be a sponsor.
But in the meantime, it's kind of kicking ass that, you know how,
the meantime it's kind of kicking ass that you know how uh and i it's hard to say this but chaley you know there's some travel things that we never bring up on the podcast you go oh well if we told
a lot of people that whole best kept secret thing yeah if you tell everyone to do this then it's not a thing because it's about expedience this
is like okay if you tell everyone about this it'll change the fucking betting lines and fuck it up
but we're not that popular so it's still a secret if you tell all about it. No one's going to go, oh, Doug Stanhope is fucking winning a lot of money
because of this betting app.
So I think by next podcast, I'll be talking about it regardless.
I mean, your results may vary, but Doug is finding success in his –
Yeah, this is not like some fucking cunt code oh I got a
stone-cold lock of the week and and because that was a scam in Vegas back
when I did toner I toyed with there's so many where they go oh yes this is I'm
right here in Vegas and I'm Tony the fucking Tucker,
and I got all the hottest pics in the fucking thing.
And so they would take, all these callers would call,
and they'd go, it's my $500 special.
And they'd give half the people one team and half the other.
And then half of them were going to go, this guy's good.
This guy's good. guy's good and scam I know is
it fucking great there's so many great scams the invention scam was great
that's why I want to have the guy from bucking telemarketers markers yeah HBO
max whatever you should reach out to him he no he reached out to me oh there you go
i tweeted it i i didn't want to go into the long form of hey my producer's in a different place
i'm going to be in a train so i don't even know if they're going to have internet access which
evidently amtrak does that yeah it does not it does wait it had oh no we were in canada where you're going yeah
uh so like uh but i would love to get because tom kanopka knows the exact scam they were doing
which was the police fraternity scam do you remember tom tom didn't like to talk too much about telemarketing remember yeah yeah yeah
but he did when i picked him up the other day i saw him okay the street and he's like yeah
and i know i know all about that and then i'm like no you're gonna you're gonna understand
telemarketers they go to where they like they perfected this kind of like no way better than
i did in ad specs where they were setting up in impoverished areas where they're they would
recruit telemarketers from uh parole offices where you need uh jobs for these guys well we got it
so these guys had to fucking smile and dial and fucking hit their numbers or otherwise you're going back to fucking prison.
Yeah.
It's brilliant.
And they're partying and snorting coke off of fucking telephones.
It was every reason I loved like fraud telemarketing.
When I say I did fraud telemarketing, people think that means, oh, yeah, it's a, oh, you're going to get a big discount.
No, no.
This was literally like stealing from people.
It was not quite Nigerian fucking.
Yeah, but it was lottery winner.
yeah but it was lottery winner i mean i i got out before uh friends did uh prison or halfway house time so it wasn't it wasn't fraudulent like uh hey that's uh that's the buy one get one free
it's safe way well they doubled the price over the weekend, so it's not really
meh.
Alright, I'm gonna go.
I got two more days
to pack perfectly
for fucking
basically six days
of Amtrak
tiny room travel.
Yeah.
But the four days in Chicago.
Hey, jump on either one of those trains.
Texas Eagle leaves Tucson August 28th.
Leaves Chicago coming back to Tucson on September 3rd.
And I checked it out yesterday.
Still, you could actually go round trip on that itinerary.
I should teach a comedy class.
Did I hang up on you?
Are you there?
I'm here.
Okay.
Do you not see me?
No.
Here's what I did is I hit a button. and i didn't know i'd disappear yeah i'll teach a comedy class if you're on the uh
the train for oh that's great yeah i i i probably will not leave my my my concubine. That's not the word. Your cubicle.
Yeah, cubicle.
All right.
Well, I miss you.
And I really would like to see some updates on the house.
But I guess I'll talk to Raider about that because he knows how to send things on his phone.
I came back from Tucson and they were shut down at 1256 p.m.
I don't know if they've been in there.
You get a check from Audible.
What the fuck?
Are you doing books on tape?
From Audible.
It's probably for Bingo's book.
All right.
Let's not release.
It's like your checks from sag sag after yeah it's it's like 12 for selling you know whatever yeah it did come up hey is it oh yeah that's
another thing i don't know what's for sale i'm answering these emails i have a big assortment
of things i can't wait we should do one of the first things we should do.
When we have the initial welcome back, grand reopening, all new,
brand new Doug Sandoz podcast and house and fun house,
all of these things and the new podcast studio,
one of the things should be us having a business meeting about what's for sale.
What's like,
well,
Doug,
I mean,
you do know how to get on the internet.
Everything that's for sale is online at Stan Hope store.
You just go to the website,
Doug,
Stan hope.com.
And there's,
but I don't know if they're ever selling that.
It's not going to tell me all week long.
Everything that's online is available we sell it
but before the meeting i will do research i'm prepping you months out people buy things every day on the website i don't know why you think wait how do they roll how are they buying them
when our merch person
does the merch while tracy's out of town well all right you're locally dude maybe i would know that
if i had uh security cameras in my hotel in tucson that i would see someone going into uh not even my
property to the merch house i didn't know that merch is i thought merch was probably
maybe just hung up till the future man all right that's why that's why i got that screen printer
because i'm going to start screen printing the work shirts i i over here at the bingo's quiet
house i have that uh uh bisbee booze bags mug and go, that's way better than the Funhouse mug,
but not as good a color.
So, yeah, we'll have all these meetings.
I like, maybe we have, maybe we do this.
Maybe we have a, like a junket, a weekend where, like on Saturday,
when we went to the judges thing up in Phoenix.
The convention we went to up in Phoenix.
Imagine a smaller version of that where it's only us
or the Libertarian Party thing we just did.
But the only presentations are like Saturday at 1 p.m.
We're going to go to the merch.
It's the Doug Stanhope Convention.
And we just go somewhere ridiculous.
But I'll have a presentation of how I can see my comedy career moving forward without being funny.
And then Bingo could give a, yeah.
It's like our company Christmas party that we do tri-annually, quad-annually.
Anyway, we'll work on it.
And don't forget, September 15th, Doug will be hosting a comedy show at the Shady Dell.
Tickets are available at bwdtour.com, which is Billy Wayne Davis' website.
Tickets are available there.
And the links are up here right now so you can look at it.
And they'll be in the show notes as well.
And that's Andy Andrus, Christine Levine, Billy Wayne Davis headlining,
and Doug Stanhope hosting.
Yeah, I just saw that.
I think I wrote something about that.
I was very high in the whining and the red wine.
And I don't know why I'm not on this all the time is Reddit.
There's a Doug Stand-Up Reddit thing.
And I'm like, oh, this is so much better than fucking Twitter.
Yeah, absolutely.
Twitter has gone so fucked for me There's people you go Alright really
And I go I don't want to start any fights
Until I have fucking ammunition to back up
I deleted it
I haven't been on Twitter in three weeks
I go on it to
Post the link for the show
But I don't go on to
I do that through Patreon
I don't have it on my phone i share bets with
brendan walsh where i'm like all right this guy not this guy this machine
if you can win 50 percent i mean 57 you're destroying yeah
mean 57 you're fucking destroying yeah and that's why i went back and i did math which i i don't do very often i'm like all right let me go back since i've been watching this knowing eventually
like uh this fucking shit's so far for real 57 wins in a month, I'll talk to you soon.
Bingo, here you go.
Okay, bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you.