The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Doug Stanhope Podcast #528 - "Been Caught Stealin"

Episode Date: September 2, 2023

Has Doug's criminal enterprise finally come to an end? September 15th, 2023 Doug will be hosting the Shady Dell Comedy night with Billy Wayne Davis and featuring Andy Andrist and Kristine Levine. Tick...ets at https://www.bwdtour.com/ Shady Dell info - https://www.theshadydell.com/   Thank You Patreon Subscribers. We could not do this without your ongoing  support. Recorded Aug 25th, 2023 at the Quiet House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug  Stanhope (@dougstanhope), and Ggreg Chaille in Boise, ID. Produced and Edited by Chaille. Signed copies of "This Is Not Fame" available while supplies last at Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at  https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - TryFUM.com - Support the show & head to https://www.tryfum.com & use the code STANHOPE to save an additional 10% off your order today. FACTOR - Support the show AND get 50% off delicious Factor meals at https://www.factormeals.com/STANHOPE50 and use code STANHOPE50 The Shady Dell -  Located in Bisbee, Arizona. The Shady Dell Vintage Trailer Court has been a sought after destination in Southern Arizona for over 3 decades. Friday, Saturday and Sundays, Dot’s Diner serves up savorous breakfast dishes, mouthwatering burgers, and creamy, delicious shakes and more. Whether you stay a night, weekend, or week, The Shady Dell welcomes you.  https://www.theshadydell.com/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant  for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud -  https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Support the podcast at www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcastJoin Doug's Mailing List - http://www.DougStanhope.com TOUR DATES - https://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates Photo by CHAILLESupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast got it there you are yeah i know i don't know if i'm getting uh otherwise what's the difference between like eczema or plaque psoriasis what i don't know i'm getting like just go to a doctor rashy no i'm not going no fucking this is how it starts we talked about this i get a fucking colonoscopy i get blood work it's all like i just paid fucking 358 dollars i'm insured just for the guy i had to drive way out of my way to palomino's to get set up for wait i already know i have to go for a colonoscopy why do i have to go drive to palomino's 25 minutes away for you to go yeah looks like uh you're getting set up for a colonoscopy i go yeah that's what i thought i was coming here for no you just tell me that and then charge me
Starting point is 00:01:05 385 dollars no i get what kind of insurance because that just happened to mine what hang on i gotta turn your volume up all right go ahead can you how's that test test one two hello How's that? Test, test. One, two. Hello. I'm just yelling at you. Anyway, the point is, I never shaved because it always irritates my face, but now I'm getting... And you know what? According to the commercials, if I have plaque psoriasis, I have mild and all the commercial... What's plaque psoriasis. I have mild. What's plaque psoriasis? I don't fucking know. It sounded like you knew.
Starting point is 00:01:56 All the drugs, Chaley, they cure moderate to severe. Yeah. If this is just mild, well, no, nothing cures mild. You just have to have a fucking irritating spot on your face that you keep picking at where our jig is up chaley i don't know if you know uh i don't even want to say i was an ice thief at safeway uh-oh i was i liberated ice and i did it kind of like robin hood if you want to be honest i was basically like robin hood because safeway these cunts or kroger or albertsons they're all the same fucking stink with a different name they're the same what they do is they, oh, you have to get the app to get, oh, do you want fucking 100 pounds of chicken for 15 cents? And that's the one thing. But you have to have a really expensive phone.
Starting point is 00:02:57 Well, you know what? If you can afford a thousand dollar phone to get the digital app. Then you don't need a thousand pounds of chicken for a nickel. The point is, I would be very upset when they had these sales only for people who can afford a smartphone. Because as you know, with the fucking diphtheria hordes of fucking homeless, diseased fucking tweakers in the parking lot. You know what? They're the ones that actually need the nickel chicken.
Starting point is 00:03:30 But they can't get it because they don't have a fucking app where they can scan. And so forever, I was being Matt Becker-ish in my Luddite with a purpose vision of, fuck you, I'm not getting your app. I'll just steal to make up for it. So what I would do is steal a bag of ice every time I needed ice, which was pretty- When you would walk out after you'd buy your groceries, you would walk past the ice machine, load up as if you'd pay for it
Starting point is 00:04:05 and if you get caught you go oh i thought i told them to put it on there i did tell them no i absolutely did tell him didn't you hear me jaylee yes oh i thought bingo told him while i was doing a thing yeah you know what if i go to their toilet it's free and they have water they all you did is freeze it it's really it's and you know what i didn't get your fucking nickel chicken deal because i don't have i do have a smartphone in fact i finally have one that will scan an app i mean or scan a thing a a fucking QR code, QVC code. Yeah, I got it. But I still been stealing the ice. With the people in the parking lot.
Starting point is 00:04:55 Do you remember, Chaley? I don't know if I ever told you this on the podcast. It's when I knew I needed help. Redoing Safeway. They were remodeling and doing a lot of construction. At night, they were actually moving aisles, redoing floor that was bad, and then moving all
Starting point is 00:05:14 the products to different aisles so every day you'd go in there and stuff would be different. Employees didn't even know what the fuck was going on. It was awful. But I remember they had a porta potty set up out front, and it took me a minute because, like,
Starting point is 00:05:34 the homeless fucking tweaker element has, they've always been around, but in the last few years, like, overwhelming, like, the parking lot where, you know, build the wall, build the wall or something. All right. When I knew the names of the homeless people, hey, there's Brokey's out again. He's yelling at traffic. But yeah, when it got to these kids today with their homelessness and they don't even ask you for anything, you see, well, you can't just live here. I understand targets of opportunity. It's one of the few places you could beg change but you're
Starting point is 00:06:10 not begging change you're tweaking out you're talking to yourself behind a fucking trash can and that's when they had porta potties out front and for a minute i'm only thinking about the fucking tweakers and i go they better not have put those fucking porta-potties out for the homeless. And immediately dialed back in, really? Is that what you've become, Stan Hope? A guy that doesn't want the homeless to have adequate shitting situations? They should shit out in the street and on a piece of cardboard
Starting point is 00:06:48 like my grandfather's homeless. Anyway, so I stole ice. But I mean, you've been doing it for years. Yeah, yeah, for a lot of years liberating ice yeah and if poor people asked me for ice I would have given them some
Starting point is 00:07:14 Doug when they hold their cup out it's not for ice it's for change so what happens is our girl, Susie, I see her once and then – She's a checker at Safeway. Yeah. I'm sure we talk about her. She's the antithesis to Sherry. Susie is the best.
Starting point is 00:07:39 Sherry is the worst. Sherry won't retire. She's past her retirement and then just keeps coming in because this is her social hour like no one wants to fucking talk to you you fucking hag anyway so suzy i'm going through suzy's lines and uh i i actually this time i literally only bought salmon i'm going back up to the north house and uh i got salmon i'm just standing with just salmon she goes did you want me she's a friend of ours mind you and uh she comes around to hug you when you go us me and bingo yeah so for her to say, and did you want me to charge you for a bag of ice as well?
Starting point is 00:08:27 And I said, no, I'd just steal it if I needed it. She goes, I know. That's why I'm asking. I go, Ooh, are they onto me? She goes, they're onto you. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's like the great pillow caper from the Four Points. When Bingo would always take a ratty old pillow in, we'd spend the night before a trip at the airport, and then she'd walk out with a brand new Four Points pillow. And years later, when we were talking to one of the gals that works that works at the bar yeah they knew every housekeeper says every time they stay here the pillows disappear or they get downgraded pillows in the room that we were in uh that yeah i've been been trying to steal two rolls of toilet paper minimum for every day i'm at this hotel now uh which has been extended i don't know i don't if i'm back in my house i'll fucking tell you but the one they put me in now
Starting point is 00:09:34 are extended the marriott they're still trying to fuck me on points for the last six weeks i've been there i'm there till the end of sept at least again. So yeah, don't fucking ask me. When I'm back in the house, I'll tell you. It is looking good. There's progress being made. But I've been trying to steal two rolls of toilet paper a day for every day. And what's the goal there? I just remember Olivia Grace, when the pandemic happened and I got home, she had bought me online like 96 rolls of some single ply shitty. But that's a serious situation where people were hoarding toilet paper. It became one.
Starting point is 00:10:19 We didn't know that initially. We didn't. Olivia was ahead of the curve with her paranoia. Yeah, and she was at home. She was in Bisbee, so I showed up and like, oh, I get 96 rolls of fucking single-ply gas station
Starting point is 00:10:36 toilet paper. Prison toilet paper. Prison toilet paper, but toilet paper nonetheless. And that lasted. And a lot of this is because Bingo was over here at the Quiet House.
Starting point is 00:10:52 So just me and that toilet paper lasted well over a year. I remember at the year mark going, I still have this. And I want... This is good toilet paper. I'm taking now. I'm not stealing it.
Starting point is 00:11:08 Well, it's not Charmin. It's still industrial toilet paper. No, it is fucking Angel Soft and Charmin. It depends on what made car. The ones you take from the hotel?
Starting point is 00:11:23 I've seen the wrapping paper. I think Angel is on them. Angel Soft is a great brand. They're both fucking... Come on, this is a fucking... It's a residence goddamn inn. They're not going to give you... The point is, I will
Starting point is 00:11:40 come out with over a year's worth of toilet paper if I play it the way I'm playing it uh and that's it's a nice feeling to at least after a i'm not saying a year because when it's if if it if it makes it to a year anniversary to this thanksgiving coming up november 21st actually would be the one year. I want to look up the laws. I just
Starting point is 00:12:14 oh, I ate meat tonight. I think this is the only second time I've eaten red meat since May. And I ran out of A1 sauce, which I also steal. Like when I was going to Denny's all the time when I first had to move up north after the fire I'd go to Denny's all the time and I'd always ask for A1 sauce and it's I still have like three bottles up there what are the the rules I keep
Starting point is 00:12:41 meaning to google this but I'll let you do it and send me the emails, people, about stealing condiments that are free. Toilet paper in a hotel is free. These are free. So at what point can they press charges for you stealing something that they give away? charges for you stealing something that they give away. Bibles, we kind of know the thing on Bibles is the Gideons put them in hotel rooms hoping you're going to take them. Probably not hoping you're going to sell them. Well, no, actually, no, they do hope that.
Starting point is 00:13:18 Hey, we put more Bibles in the homes of heathen than the Gideons themselves. Yeah. Personally responsible for so so yeah let me know uh yeah let me know the the rules on stealing condiments but you're not saying ketchup packets you're saying like if you ask for uh yes salt and pepper on the table can you get me salt and pepper and they bring it can you take the salt and pepper on the table. Can you get me salt and pepper? And they bring it. Can you take the salt and pepper from the table? No, I'm talking about ketchup packets, anything that they give for free. Can't you just take all of it? If they have Taco Bell has wells of little packets of hot, mild Diablo, Diablo by ass. I'm taking it for free.
Starting point is 00:14:05 And then it's spilling out from under your arms. And then the guy is like helping you steal it. Like, oh, thanks for shopping at Taco Bell. Oh, you dropped something, sir. Yeah, it's mounds of your Diablo sauce. Please, please put it in a bag and follow me. I do know that they only give you like two per flavor at the drive-thru. Well, they should.
Starting point is 00:14:33 And then if you ask for one more, they give you a handful. It's always the worst. None of it makes sense. The fucking waste at drive-thrus. I remember when I was a wasteful person it annoyed me like who needs 16 napkins for a McDonald's cheeseburger it doesn't even drip like there's nothing about that yeah it is it is you could give me a cheeseburger to wipe my mouth after.
Starting point is 00:15:07 Yeah, if I ate like the fucking filet mignon that I ate tonight, at least had a little bit of juice, I could use a McDonald's cheeseburger to tamp off, maybe cure this eczema. Plaque psoriasis would be funnier to have than eczema. Did you shave today? Perhaps that's a... No, I shaved a few days ago and that's the problem. Lately it's, I don't know if it's humidity related. I haven't done anything different. I did eat butter tonight and that could affect it but that didn't happen after you ate butter right no no I butter after it happened so I don't know I'm off my diet a little bit cuz a doubling up on the drugs they gave me that they say I
Starting point is 00:15:59 don't need anymore they don't do it's my own fucking thing. I know how to self-medicate. I know how to cheat these doctors, but I know we're going on the train. First of all, I really wanted to push this train thing on someone. I wish anyone was actually boots on ground in Bisbee that just lived here that i felt comfortable with that could try to walk me through uh the the instagram like i i i put out one thing from a year ago us hitting golf balls i'm like i'm gonna try this video and then the next day hennigan calls me like you actually did a reel on Instagram, I go, well, I don't know how I did it, because every time I try, and since then, yeah, I filmed, like, 40 seconds of me saying some shit, and evidently, it went out, and only 12 seconds of it went out,
Starting point is 00:16:59 oh, it trimmed my video, and I, what the fuck, I'm going on a train where I have been, Chaley, I have been watching these travelogue Amtrak things like, okay, let me reacquaint myself with the fucking sleeper cars and the roommates and the fucking what's happening. And I watched these, the most boring travelogues. I go, we can have so much fucking fun. I bought all this shit. I bought the ring light, a six-inch ring light with a fucking stand for my phone that can go in my room at car table, and I can do travelogues, but not the boring shit they're doing. Oh, and the sleeper car is 36 inches wide and seven feet. How about fuck you? How about these assholes are fucking stagging up their luggage on top of my luggage
Starting point is 00:17:47 and I got my fucking Yahtzee board and I don't have room. And fuck you. $17 for a flute of fucking champagne? Here. Here's exactly. I can make it fun. $55 and a half. I don't know about fun. Now it sounded angry.
Starting point is 00:18:04 I know. That's fun. Now it sounded angry. I know. That's fun. Yes, angry is fun. What they do, you know, when we are in a dining car, and I did tweet about this, and this is what I really wanted to push. Hey, we're going up on August 28th on the Texas Eagle. We're coming back on Sunday the 3rd on the Texas Eagle. This goes from Tucson. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Starting point is 00:18:33 No. We're not going up on the 8th. 28th. We leave August 28th. Yeah. And the train goes through fucking El Paso, San Antonio, Austin, Dallas, St. Louis. It goes north, right? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:18:49 Like all these places where, hey, if it's during the day or a reasonable hour, we did this the last time we took a train. Hey, bring your books by and I'll get off at whistle stops. Oh, that's right. And send your books. Yeah. And one guy already said, hey, I'm going to jump on to go from, like, San Antonio to Austin and then just fucking take the train back. Or I don't know. That's an hour away or something.
Starting point is 00:19:19 So, yeah, we're looking forward to that. And here's the thing. I looked up. we have a sleeping car but just coach private car that you know like like we did before we were on the california yeah it's yeah it's it we're in a room that it's tight but we get free meals point is even coach the coach seats on Amtrak are better than first class seats on airplanes they have the full the problem is and and and it was 121 dollars each way to go coach 55 fucking hours all the way from tucson all the way up to chicago 55 hours in coach 121 bucks problem is when it's 121 a lot of fucking felons are going to be in the seats beside you
Starting point is 00:20:18 and they don't care if they say don't smoke in the bathroom Don't drink your own alcohol and pass it over the seats to your other fucking biker buddies. I told you that one time that we took a train from Union Station into overnight train trip from Union Station to Benson. And there's basically a platform that they stop. And Bingo was going to pick us up. Well, in the middle of the night from LA to Benson, like someone just yelled, who fucking shit their pants? Like at two in the morning, right?
Starting point is 00:21:01 God damn it. And you're like, you wake up. What the fuck? This guy just rallying. Fuck shit their pants. And it's like, this is what you get. This is normal. No, there was no one who came in to say what was the problem. Everyone just might have hunkered down. I don't know. Did I step in something? Fuck it was fucking livid.
Starting point is 00:21:25 And there's nothing. And that's what you get when you're traveling overnight. All right, let's play a commercial. I got to throw my shit in the dryer. All right, Chaley. Factor. Trying to eat well is exhausting, especially on the road. But when you change your atmosphere, you can change your habits.
Starting point is 00:21:47 With Factor, it's way easier to heat up a delicious, healthy meal than it is to hit the drive-thru. Factor is America's number one ready-to-eat meal kit that delivers dietician-approved meals right to your door. I wish they delivered them right to your train because that way I could stay in my sleeping car. I eat factor meals without having to share a table with people I'm going to lie to and make uncomfortable. Factor meals are fresh, never frozen. They take less than two minutes, quicker than takeout, and they have over 34 meal choices a week so you never get bored you can even add on cold pressed juices shakes and smoothies go with the smoothies see juicing takes the fiber out of it this is what i'm learning i'm just telling you this is what i
Starting point is 00:22:38 would do if i was a factor in your back oh my god am I riffing on an ad copy? Yeah. Skip the grocery store. Skip spending hours chopping veggies and skip stressing over what to make each night. Factor makes it easy to be healthy. Head to factormeals.com slash Stanhope50 and use code Stanhope50 to get 50% off. That's code Stanhope50 at factormeals.com slash Stanhope50 to get 50% off. Well, that didn't hurt at all, did it? I'm afraid we already talked about this on a podcast, but I would love to do a train trip. Like Kreischer is doing the Booze Cruise.
Starting point is 00:23:32 Not Booze Cruise, but an actual cruise. You can go on Burt Kreischer Cruise. I think it would be funny to do a fucking, we take over an Amtrak because coach is fucking fantastic everything about Amtrak is fantastic if you can take it over and sell it out before they let all the fucking stabby crazy people on because I could I'd fucking I've done cross country as a youth youth. I did Worcester to L.A. I did Worcester to... What?
Starting point is 00:24:10 How many hours was Worcester to L.A.? What? How many hours was Worcester to L.A.? It's four days. And you're still doing this, rocking for a few days afterwards you just it doesn't leave you and then my dad and i did it in a sleeping car i did round trip cross country with a sleeping car with my dad and then coach on the way back um yeah i did that several times as a kid. And the fucking seats are amazing. And it's just two by two. There's no middle seat.
Starting point is 00:24:48 And the cafe car is open all day, cocktailing. And, of course, it's so easy to sneak your own booze on. That's why you'll be. Everyone's mulling fucking drugs. Of course you can bring my booze. But that happened there was a fucking a murder in tucson where fucking dea came on and raided a fucking train and then spotted two guys and there was a shootout and i don't know if they killed a cop or just a guy one of the guys who
Starting point is 00:25:19 had had fucking weed on them again it's weed is like this you really fucking I don't know all I know is bingo and I are now wearing sleeper cars so we get free dinner in the dining cars so what that means is you go up to the dining car. You arrange your time. You reserve your time. And then they seat you. If you're a twosome, they seat you with another couple. And then you have to sit in a very close.
Starting point is 00:25:57 And nobody on Amtrak. Like all those stabby people in the back i could have a conversation with like i wouldn't want to share the seat with them but if we're gonna have a meal i can go oh yeah what's up with that tattoo on your eyelid oh it's on both your eyelids they just blink in opposite times um they they have something interesting to tell you. Bingo just came off a flight when she was flying back from wherever. Was she in Denver? Yeah, she was up seeing her sister.
Starting point is 00:26:35 And I picked her up, and she introduced me to the lady of a certain age that she had been drinking with the whole time on the flight from Salt Lake on our connection and her husband was there to pick her up and we both had the same car and it was because she flew coach and you meet cool people in coach. Nobody talks to you in first class, which is kind of an unspoken rule that they should. Hey, do you want to make a friend? Fly coach, save a buck or two, and meet someone that, yeah, first class? No, no, no eye contact. So, but, so the dinners, meals, it's 55 hours each way. So it will be 110 hours.
Starting point is 00:27:26 This is if Amtrak doesn't fuck up like they always do and make you a day late. So 110 hours, that's probably going to be a dozen meals with strangers. So we do. How many meals a day is it? Is it three? Three, yeah. Lunch, dinner? Yep.
Starting point is 00:27:46 All right. So what we do on trains has always been since even before bingo. Renee and I was the, what lie are we going to tell them about what we do for a living? Because that's where you're from. We could lie about that. What you do is what we lie about on the road and that's where i don't know where we reuse this a couple times but that was the origination of
Starting point is 00:28:13 when renee and i told a couple we do uh christian pornography where it's uh it's like pornography but it always ends in conception and the the money shot is the delivery of the baby uh and i i don't i don't know how we held on to that uh without but the idea is to do what we do on the road you check into a hotel are you here for a business or pleasure a business we you know we repair uh shopping carts with wiggly wheels overnight that was a good one yeah and then we had bible salesmen because we always had the bibles oh and uh another something like that oh we're in a christian rock band we don't believe that shit but that's where the money is so yeah we're working on that uh we're working on uh just packing i'm trying to be minimalist but i have to have one show uh they must know the movie's
Starting point is 00:29:22 premiering for yeah yeah there's ads in the in's ads in the podcast, and that's the reason you're going to Chicago. Yeah. And the reason we're taking the train is because that makes it a vacation because we got two and a half days up there, four nights there, and then two and a half days unless Amtrak fucks us over, which they have so many times. I think from the first time, second time I took Amtrak fucks us over which they have so many times I think from the first time second time I took Amtrak I've been fucked almost every time last time we had to take a plane for part of it because they go oh we're delayed so
Starting point is 00:29:56 much we're gonna put you on a bus from fucking the out in the outskirts and to all the way to fucking Dallas or some shit. I'm like, fuck this. I'll just go to a, I'll catch up with your train later. Well, passenger trains don't have priority. Like we've talked about this before because in Canada, where we got waylaid for over 24 hours, the freight owns the lines. Amtrak rents the line or rents the use of it.
Starting point is 00:30:24 So yeah, anything that goes wrong uh uh freight you got to get those strawberries to the east coast you know and that's that's you're uh you're basically a meat bag cargo no one gives a shit yeah well if if we get delayed and someone says supply chain to me i'm gonna fucking smash a glass and cut their face i'm like no supply chain to me, I'm going to fucking smash a glass and cut their face. I'm like, no, supply chain cuts in front of me getting here, and I'm the supplies that need to be here. We have a podcast studio. I would love to read you.
Starting point is 00:31:03 Gary Lucy. We have keys to this podcast studio it's like 400 square feet of rental space over there across from you're not in it and i'm not in it this is something totally new yeah and christine levine's new boyfriend who we all know gary uh I've known him since the 90s, is a sweetheart. He is a bit of a mental defective, not as bad as me with addictions or anything. He just has some quirks and tics and slightly autistic is how Christine phrases it, which no one I don't think really knows what autism is, but we all have a feeling when you say autism, you get the picture. I don't think really knows what autism is, but we all have a feeling when you say autism, you get the picture. I don't know if it's a real thing the same way.
Starting point is 00:31:51 I don't think addiction is a real thing, but if you say it in a certain way, the other person gets it. So, so he's been like suggesting different things for accoutrements for sound dampening and things in the studio and oh here's some things you can buy and i go oh those are cool and cool colors because we want it to not look cheap and yeah both those it was like a house green is like the little house green and aqua uh anyway and then he's like what about here's the carpet that uh the dogs have
Starting point is 00:32:29 been peeing on for a month uh for uh since like that probably not the pee rug i don't i can't tell if he's kidding yeah that's the problem with uh autistic whatever sounds like someone trying to get rid of a rug they don't want well Well, no, it's fucking, you know how goddamn filthy Christine Levine's house was before she got cancer, thank God, and it saved her from dying in a hoarder's paradise because she was too fat to fucking. And those dogs she babysat, all these. I went in there to drop off groceries once during quarantine, sat all these i went in there to drop off groceries once during quarantine and they like dug through all the like almost down to the wires of the couch getting so excited because fat people don't walk dogs and i i never walk dogs but these are dogs that needed to be walked this is awesome who she's
Starting point is 00:33:20 babysitting for backdoor mike and her own fucking stupid labra-fool-dle. Isn't that a basset hound? Basset hound, whatever. It's a giant dog. Awesome is a rather stout Staffordshire Terrier. Yeah, and they jump up on the couch to see who's walking by.
Starting point is 00:33:40 Yeah. And then you drop off groceries and it's just piss and shit and fucking you don't even know what oh it's I hope he's going to clean it up like Gary's a fucking great you said that was before though
Starting point is 00:33:59 the quarantine that was well he showed me a picture when he's saying hey for the new studio there's dog pee on it but we could clean it up i mean no i i'll spend the money it's 400 square feet yeah we can make it look cool for all of us and then uh as the questions kept coming even from bingo and dave raider i'm like listen we have to wait till Chaley gets home because he's going to be fucking cunty about the sound and the this and the bouncing off that and the fucking, and I know we don't need most of it, but we can take half of his suggestions and placate him.
Starting point is 00:34:37 I don't know about cunty. I think that it really is a thing that if you don't have any carpeting on the ground, you're going to get kind of an echoey sound in that room i mean that's not cunty that's basically that's audio science yeah i'm not talking about that i'm talking about um how many different microphones have we had over the course of this podcast? I know it's been like 11 years, but how many times have we just like lately decided we should always just have the lavalier microphones? Yeah, that's what I'm using now. Well, okay, look.
Starting point is 00:35:20 What happens is we get something and it's like the SM58s, like the microphone you use on stage. Those are great. But, you know, you have to hold them. Then when we got into a studio, we got the SM7Bs from Shure. Those are the best. And they're great. And those, we use those for a couple of years. And then we moved to different ones.
Starting point is 00:35:42 But, I mean, it's because our business is sound, Doug. You know, we go to these clubs that have a microphone and a PA system that wouldn't even be good at a fucking kid's fucking clown party, you know, and their business is sound too. And it's embarrassing when you don't have the right equipment. And this is what you do is you put words into a microphone that gets recorded and then people listen to it. We should at least have good equipment. Okay, well, yeah, sound is the number one thing.
Starting point is 00:36:11 I'm sorry, that did sound a little cunty. Except now we're doing video. So I want, if we're going to do video, nobody is comfortable on video since the days where we – I mean, we're comfortable enough. Speak for yourself, okay? Because that's really what you mean. Yeah. You don't want to see yourself.
Starting point is 00:36:39 So, yes, the mood lighting, if we can look like the Star Chamber, that's a deep track. What's Star Chamber? It's a movie. It was on the cult section. Oh, shit. I have to plug these things. Finish what you're doing. We'll get to plugs.
Starting point is 00:37:06 All right. Telemarketers is a – sorry, I said movie. So Telemarketers on HBO is fucking – we have to get the guy that did this series with me and Tom Konopka to do a podcast all together. Watch Find Telemarketers on HBO, or they call it Max now. You know, at what point do you go, fuck you, I'm not calling HBO Max, I'm not calling Twitter X, and fuck you, I'll be dead before you notice a change. What was I saying, Jaylee? We were talking about microphones and equipment,
Starting point is 00:37:47 and I said, I did sound like I became a little cunty there. But it is a thing where, you know, there's a lot of, especially because of the pandemic, a lot of new equipment came out. You know, the board we use wasn't in existence four years ago, you know, and stuff just comes around and you try different things and you're constantly tweaking. And that's, we finally have decided that you like to walk around and get off mic. So having a lavalier mic makes sense for you.
Starting point is 00:38:16 All right. So I don't, I don't know if I talked to you about this or someone when I was showing them the, where the kitchen is going to be. At the, at the compound yeah and like you know what i would love to do not as a cooking show but as though it could be a cooking show where i could have you know one two or three four guests at that butcher's block where i'm on the other side and we can have GoPros, which I'm fine
Starting point is 00:38:47 with that fisheye fucking lens of me. It doesn't show that I have fucking gangrenous. Don't pitch at it. I know I'm not. It's fucking when my hair grows back in and I shave. But if I don't shave, if I could grow a beard, I don't know. But the point is, I was blocking this out. I don't shave like if i could grow a beard i don't know but the point is i was blocking this out i don't know for raider or whoever i'm like that way i could stand up i can move i can go to a cabinet i have lavalier mics and that's the first thing uh i i don't know if it's gary lucy or someone i fucking looked up oh well as long as you have the the whatever microphone with these uh spit screen or whatever windscreen no that's not what i'm thinking i was thinking about laughs so i can move i can go to get a drink like i can't do right now about this yeah something that's pinned to you so
Starting point is 00:39:40 i can wireless wireless yeah like i would on stage yes, like I would on stage. Yes. No, like you would on the set of Good Morning America or whatever those things you used to do. Yeah, I was always on Good Morning America. And I'm debating About I watched the Two minute trailer for the movie
Starting point is 00:40:09 That they finally put out The Road Dogg movie which is going to premiere The 1st to the 8th at the Pickwick Theater In Chicago Park Ridge, Illinois And that's Chicago And I Two minutes of watching myself Was more than I could handle.
Starting point is 00:40:28 Good mood. Whereas acceptable to, uh, the, the process. And I, Oh, did you watch the trailer that they released?
Starting point is 00:40:37 Yeah. Two minutes and six seconds. That's, that's enough. But is it enough to do a q a on i want to get junior i have to do a q a i don't have to i'm doing this out of my own pocket because i want to be there well my movie's going to be playing in a theater for a week and so i'm a movie star technically and technically i went to the premiere of my movie and did a Q&A after.
Starting point is 00:41:08 It's all about story value. But I don't want to watch it. The Q&A is going to ask you questions about filming the movie. I mean, you don't have to watch the movie to participate in Q&A. People want to ask you questions about the experience. Yeah, but I don't remember things you see like if I watched a movie and then the Q&A I would go oh yeah that scene sucked but if you go hey what was it like I don't know like I know it snowed one day and I was happy that we didn't have to film it was like two days because the
Starting point is 00:41:45 city shut down i was so happy not to you'll make something funny just by but no i hear i know i'm thinking on a question yeah but i'm thinking that it would be funny to get a junior stopka as a plant to just ask me this confeder Confederate in the audience just ask me ridiculous loaded questions that I have down pat quick answers for yeah yeah yeah do you think cloud seeding is uh spreading the uh uh non-gmo I don't know well i mean we we do need to say that uh junior lives in chicago that's that's why it would be uh convenient as well hang on you know what that reminds me of this commercial break great chaley the the hits never stop coming we We're talking about fume. I had a feeling today,
Starting point is 00:42:47 honestly, where my diet has changed. I've quit habits where I go, oh, I feel a need for some addiction. And I didn't know what it was. I just knew that I needed to fill. Should I eat something? What am I craving? You can be quitting so many things. Quit spending money. Maybe I go fucking hoarding at thrift stores to fill a gap in the thing. But if you're looking to quit any habit, especially the big one that I quit this year, fume can help. It's a cool, innovative device that takes the bad out of bad habit. Fume replaces electronics, vapor, and harmful chemicals with all natural flavored air. I know this might sound stupid, but if it does, then you don't need the product. You know, when you get fidgety
Starting point is 00:43:46 when you quit something and you just want to pick almost like tweakers do when they're on tweak but now you're off whatever you're off of and you just want to you know just get the fidgets they have a fidgety product with movable parts magnets to keep your hands occupied. I know it sounds dumb, but it works. And it's got an adjustable airflow and awesome flavors to choose from. You can totally customize your experience. Stopping is something we all put off because it's hard, but switching to Fume is easy, enjoyable, and even fun. Fume has served over 100,000 customers and thousands of success stories, and there's no reason you can't be one of them. Join Fume in accelerating humanity's breakup from destructive habits by picking up the Journey Pack today. Head to tryfume.com and use code Stanhope to save 10% off when you get the journey pack today that's try fume TRY
Starting point is 00:44:47 F UM calm and use code Stan hope to save an additional 10% off your order today try fume calm code Stan hope you are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. That's Crip with two P's, CripDaddy.com. And he's going to sign up there, a mailing list, and also where you can get the album. It's called Sports Illustrated Comedian Edition. I look forward to it. All right, now back to the show. Oh, hey, Chicago.
Starting point is 00:45:37 Sorry if you saw us at Brouwer House. Honestly, two of the most fun shows I had ever in comedy was yep, another comedy show with four white males was yeah,
Starting point is 00:45:57 that was with Junior. God damn it, I can't remember his fucking name. Come on. The dwarf. No, Crypt Daddy's the dead man. Oh, the other one. Adam something? god damn it i can't remember his name come on the the the the dwarf no crypt dad is the other one uh adam something yes adam gilbert saying yeah uh yeah that was the those were two of the most fun nights of my career and uh we know that fucking Crypt Daddy was going to die And he died Evidently He headlined a show
Starting point is 00:46:29 And they brought him out afterwards And he was eating lazy This is what I heard And swallowed some food Into his lungs Which is what was happening With Bingo Bingo was having that same kind of situation
Starting point is 00:46:44 Yeah we can't give her any So Which is what I was happening with bingo when she was having that same kind of situation when she has great Yeah, we can't give her any So yeah, Krip. Daddy is dead. He's gonna go fund me which I did not promote because If you saw my last special Yeah, you're fucking saving money by not having to Just give it of all people give that guy's body to science you don't need a fucking funeral for money and you know that family is not using his funeral money for a funeral that guy's already been fucking launched out of a trebuchet into the neighbor's yard they're having a feud with.
Starting point is 00:47:26 They're fucking. Here, you throw it away. They're using that GoFundMe money for fucking natty lights. Honey, there you are. Hi. Can you get me a goddamn drink with some ice? Make sure I'm not on that mode. Well, just don't get in front of the camera.
Starting point is 00:47:42 You're tricking me into seeing my butt. No, don't worry. We need less Patreons. Oh, my God, Chaley, we're going to have such a business meetings. Tell me what you're doing first, baby. I don't know. Whatever you got. Yeah, I killed this whole thing. Okay.
Starting point is 00:47:58 I'll surprise you. Yeah, you give me something nice. I got it. Yeah, we're going to have Patreon meetings. We have to have merch meetings. We're going to break down everything once we're back in the house. Yeah, and
Starting point is 00:48:12 we're going to fucking be putting some shit up. I'm going through the 20th anniversary of Deadbeat Hero and all the stuff. I want to be able to put shit out. When is the 20th anniversary of Deadbeat Hero?
Starting point is 00:48:30 2024. Oh, no. Oh, fuck. Man. What happened? I'm not done taking a bath. Just give me a piece of that glass. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:48:48 You don't have to show me. give me a piece of that glass because sorry you don't know how great this glass like this was a full giant rocks glass with do do do do do do yeah it was why are you asking a girl why don't you just get out of here and go put on shoes? Go. Tracy never breaks glasses. You know, Tracy's the best. And I really feel strongly about her decision to never come back from Austin. I think. It's up to her. Yeah, she's.
Starting point is 00:49:19 She made it up in her mind. It's a strong call. It's kind of like the way people south of the border, all the way down into Central America and Venezuela even, they make the pilgrimage to come up here to send money back to their relatives. It's the same way Tracy has gone to Austin to make all this capital and send most or all of it back to us and just keep working otherwise she's gonna get you know she has to do
Starting point is 00:49:56 so please don't just sponsor the mothership tip heavily because that money comes back to us. I'm going to check my telemarketers. I really want to do
Starting point is 00:50:13 that podcast of me and Tom Konopka and Sam Littman Stern from that telemarketers HBO special. It's a three-parter. I haven't seen part three. I'm going to watch that this weekend because I'm off for the weekend.
Starting point is 00:50:30 I have two days off right now. You said you were house-sitting, and that means you should be off all the time. No, no. I'm working in my brother's shop while he's gone. We're in crunch time here, brother. Right. But since he's gone, everyone's off for Saturday and Sunday, so I'm off too.
Starting point is 00:50:53 Well, I might be on the lam. You're leaving tomorrow or Sunday? Tonight is Friday. We go back up to Tucson Saturday. Stay at the North House. Sunday, you're getting that other hotel near the station? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:51:16 Early morning train if it's on time. Then we get back allegedly Amtrak. You have no idea how fucking wrong amtrak is if you guys fly and you go uh one time your flight's delayed five hours you're like this is that is generally amtrak is so delayed there's not no one even looks at a complaint where it says we were delayed five hours. No one will
Starting point is 00:51:48 call you back. If you see Amtrak derailed and people died, half of those people were like, thank God I'm out of my misery. All the people that died were like, well, it was just going to get worse if I...
Starting point is 00:52:08 Yeah, I guess that's it for now yeah we have uh we have we have high hopes we have high hopes you get back the day after us and i'm scheduled yeah but um we still have i can't remember it's early or not i might come back that night or i might come back the next day but it all depends we still have airline tickets i was gonna take the train up and fly yeah not stop back on an airline that is not Delta that sucks. Then I was like, I love the train if it works well. So maybe if the train ride
Starting point is 00:52:54 up sucks, that's what we're going to try to do our travel journal on is the ride. And if it sucks, then we can just jump on the Saturday plane. Otherwise, we take the Sunday train. We're home around the same
Starting point is 00:53:12 time. We're home in time for football. Are you just going to send me the videos so that I can post them? Because I can put them right on Patreon. Yeah, this is the problem, Chaley. What's the problem?
Starting point is 00:53:28 I need someone who can fuck. I can take an hour. I can fucking videotape this entire podcast we just did, or I can 40 seconds of something, and when I try to get it out of my phone and send it fucking anywhere. Oh, okay. We have to trim it. we have to trim it down to the point it doesn't make sense so yeah we'll get 12 seconds of you going hey if anyone was worried about the thing that i just said here's the and that's it yeah yeah yeah what
Starting point is 00:53:59 you put out on instagram and i can't don't know how to fix it but then one day chan uh hennigan says oh yes yeah you you put something out on reels that's so good of you well i don't know how the difference is you have no idea what you did so and then a lot of times i trim it and i send it to bingo and she gets a short version that is all the things remember i complained about my last phone where i go don't send me videos because it just looks like yeah 1999 buffering i can't even tell what you know morbid thing and so when it trims videos a lot of times it just does i can't it's not showing up on there i tried to say i tried to i tried to send you a uh the um what did i try to send you i tried to send you a document
Starting point is 00:54:54 earlier for ad reads and uh your phone won't accept it so i had to email it my phone won't accept it i was gonna buy a fucking iphone and capitulate to you and i'll go i i'm not gonna i just i want the fucking iphone i don't want phone service i just want a phone that i can fill up with footage yeah and hand to chaley and he can do whatever the fuck he wants with this stupid fucking phone I don't want to call anyone I don't want a monthly service that's what that's what we do with your the old iPhone you had that you that you didn't want I used that to record podcasts when we're on the road video podcasts like when we were in Tennessee i set it up and then i don't have any phone service on
Starting point is 00:55:45 it i just have internet so you're right there you're almost there doug your hair i know it keeps going in and out yeah when but when it goes out you look somewhere between tom rhodes and paulie shore what but then but it's all combed back, but the yellow part is... No, it's really wispy because it's all... It should be. Meow. Meow. Meow.
Starting point is 00:56:16 Meow. Meow. When are you going to be put to sleep? Meow. Meow. Tomorrow. Meow. All right. Let's get out of here.
Starting point is 00:56:30 All right. Well, I hope you have a great trip. I have a fucking betting app that is going to be a sponsor. But in the meantime, it's kind of kicking ass that, you know how, the meantime it's kind of kicking ass that you know how uh and i it's hard to say this but chaley you know there's some travel things that we never bring up on the podcast you go oh well if we told a lot of people that whole best kept secret thing yeah if you tell everyone to do this then it's not a thing because it's about expedience this is like okay if you tell everyone about this it'll change the fucking betting lines and fuck it up but we're not that popular so it's still a secret if you tell all about it. No one's going to go, oh, Doug Stanhope is fucking winning a lot of money
Starting point is 00:57:26 because of this betting app. So I think by next podcast, I'll be talking about it regardless. I mean, your results may vary, but Doug is finding success in his – Yeah, this is not like some fucking cunt code oh I got a stone-cold lock of the week and and because that was a scam in Vegas back when I did toner I toyed with there's so many where they go oh yes this is I'm right here in Vegas and I'm Tony the fucking Tucker, and I got all the hottest pics in the fucking thing.
Starting point is 00:58:10 And so they would take, all these callers would call, and they'd go, it's my $500 special. And they'd give half the people one team and half the other. And then half of them were going to go, this guy's good. This guy's good. guy's good and scam I know is it fucking great there's so many great scams the invention scam was great that's why I want to have the guy from bucking telemarketers markers yeah HBO max whatever you should reach out to him he no he reached out to me oh there you go
Starting point is 00:58:47 i tweeted it i i didn't want to go into the long form of hey my producer's in a different place i'm going to be in a train so i don't even know if they're going to have internet access which evidently amtrak does that yeah it does not it does wait it had oh no we were in canada where you're going yeah uh so like uh but i would love to get because tom kanopka knows the exact scam they were doing which was the police fraternity scam do you remember tom tom didn't like to talk too much about telemarketing remember yeah yeah yeah but he did when i picked him up the other day i saw him okay the street and he's like yeah and i know i know all about that and then i'm like no you're gonna you're gonna understand telemarketers they go to where they like they perfected this kind of like no way better than
Starting point is 00:59:47 i did in ad specs where they were setting up in impoverished areas where they're they would recruit telemarketers from uh parole offices where you need uh jobs for these guys well we got it so these guys had to fucking smile and dial and fucking hit their numbers or otherwise you're going back to fucking prison. Yeah. It's brilliant. And they're partying and snorting coke off of fucking telephones. It was every reason I loved like fraud telemarketing. When I say I did fraud telemarketing, people think that means, oh, yeah, it's a, oh, you're going to get a big discount.
Starting point is 01:00:32 No, no. This was literally like stealing from people. It was not quite Nigerian fucking. Yeah, but it was lottery winner. yeah but it was lottery winner i mean i i got out before uh friends did uh prison or halfway house time so it wasn't it wasn't fraudulent like uh hey that's uh that's the buy one get one free it's safe way well they doubled the price over the weekend, so it's not really meh. Alright, I'm gonna go.
Starting point is 01:01:13 I got two more days to pack perfectly for fucking basically six days of Amtrak tiny room travel. Yeah. But the four days in Chicago.
Starting point is 01:01:32 Hey, jump on either one of those trains. Texas Eagle leaves Tucson August 28th. Leaves Chicago coming back to Tucson on September 3rd. And I checked it out yesterday. Still, you could actually go round trip on that itinerary. I should teach a comedy class. Did I hang up on you? Are you there?
Starting point is 01:02:00 I'm here. Okay. Do you not see me? No. Here's what I did is I hit a button. and i didn't know i'd disappear yeah i'll teach a comedy class if you're on the uh the train for oh that's great yeah i i i probably will not leave my my my concubine. That's not the word. Your cubicle. Yeah, cubicle. All right.
Starting point is 01:02:29 Well, I miss you. And I really would like to see some updates on the house. But I guess I'll talk to Raider about that because he knows how to send things on his phone. I came back from Tucson and they were shut down at 1256 p.m. I don't know if they've been in there. You get a check from Audible. What the fuck? Are you doing books on tape?
Starting point is 01:02:54 From Audible. It's probably for Bingo's book. All right. Let's not release. It's like your checks from sag sag after yeah it's it's like 12 for selling you know whatever yeah it did come up hey is it oh yeah that's another thing i don't know what's for sale i'm answering these emails i have a big assortment of things i can't wait we should do one of the first things we should do. When we have the initial welcome back, grand reopening, all new,
Starting point is 01:03:32 brand new Doug Sandoz podcast and house and fun house, all of these things and the new podcast studio, one of the things should be us having a business meeting about what's for sale. What's like, well, Doug, I mean, you do know how to get on the internet.
Starting point is 01:03:50 Everything that's for sale is online at Stan Hope store. You just go to the website, Doug, Stan hope.com. And there's, but I don't know if they're ever selling that. It's not going to tell me all week long. Everything that's online is available we sell it
Starting point is 01:04:17 but before the meeting i will do research i'm prepping you months out people buy things every day on the website i don't know why you think wait how do they roll how are they buying them when our merch person does the merch while tracy's out of town well all right you're locally dude maybe i would know that if i had uh security cameras in my hotel in tucson that i would see someone going into uh not even my property to the merch house i didn't know that merch is i thought merch was probably maybe just hung up till the future man all right that's why that's why i got that screen printer because i'm going to start screen printing the work shirts i i over here at the bingo's quiet house i have that uh uh bisbee booze bags mug and go, that's way better than the Funhouse mug,
Starting point is 01:05:05 but not as good a color. So, yeah, we'll have all these meetings. I like, maybe we have, maybe we do this. Maybe we have a, like a junket, a weekend where, like on Saturday, when we went to the judges thing up in Phoenix. The convention we went to up in Phoenix. Imagine a smaller version of that where it's only us or the Libertarian Party thing we just did.
Starting point is 01:05:36 But the only presentations are like Saturday at 1 p.m. We're going to go to the merch. It's the Doug Stanhope Convention. And we just go somewhere ridiculous. But I'll have a presentation of how I can see my comedy career moving forward without being funny. And then Bingo could give a, yeah. It's like our company Christmas party that we do tri-annually, quad-annually. Anyway, we'll work on it.
Starting point is 01:06:13 And don't forget, September 15th, Doug will be hosting a comedy show at the Shady Dell. Tickets are available at bwdtour.com, which is Billy Wayne Davis' website. Tickets are available there. And the links are up here right now so you can look at it. And they'll be in the show notes as well. And that's Andy Andrus, Christine Levine, Billy Wayne Davis headlining, and Doug Stanhope hosting. Yeah, I just saw that.
Starting point is 01:06:40 I think I wrote something about that. I was very high in the whining and the red wine. And I don't know why I'm not on this all the time is Reddit. There's a Doug Stand-Up Reddit thing. And I'm like, oh, this is so much better than fucking Twitter. Yeah, absolutely. Twitter has gone so fucked for me There's people you go Alright really And I go I don't want to start any fights
Starting point is 01:07:07 Until I have fucking ammunition to back up I deleted it I haven't been on Twitter in three weeks I go on it to Post the link for the show But I don't go on to I do that through Patreon I don't have it on my phone i share bets with
Starting point is 01:07:27 brendan walsh where i'm like all right this guy not this guy this machine if you can win 50 percent i mean 57 you're destroying yeah mean 57 you're fucking destroying yeah and that's why i went back and i did math which i i don't do very often i'm like all right let me go back since i've been watching this knowing eventually like uh this fucking shit's so far for real 57 wins in a month, I'll talk to you soon. Bingo, here you go. Okay, bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you.

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