The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Doug Stanhope Podcast #529 - "Bus Toilet Stew"

Episode Date: September 13, 2023

Doug and Bingo take the train to Chicago to catch The Road Dog premiere. The Road Dog will be available on multiple streaming platforms Oct 6th, 2023. Thank You Patreon Subscribers. We could not do this without your ongoing support. Recorded Sep. 2nd, 2023 from a Chicago Hotel with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), and Ggreg Chaille in Boise, ID. Produced and Edited by Chaille. Signed copies of "This Is Not Fame" available while supplies last at Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - DraftKings.com - New customers can bet $5 on football & get $200 instantly in bonus bets. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app & use code STANHOPE FACTOR - Support the show AND get 50% off delicious Factor meals at https://www.factormeals.com/STANHOPE50 and use code STANHOPE50 Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Support the podcast at www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcastJoin Doug's Mailing List - http://www.DougStanhope.com Photo by CHAILLESupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

I'm telling you, this fucking jacket is, it's got to be the strongest jacket I've ever, I mean, the buttons and the cuts. I thought you had receipts all over it. Those look like barcodes, like scan codes. This pocket, I mean, it is a little bit big, but you know, I like it hanging a little bit. I should have tied my tie because I got a very nice fucking orange tie. If you want to edit right now, I mean, if you want to tie right now, I can edit it later. No, no.

I like to look a little sloppy because I'm just getting ready for my second Q&A weekend premiere of the film. So for anyone who's new to the podcast, this is their first time, welcome to the Doug Stano podcast. Whereas we left Doug last time, he was about to embark on a cross-country Amtrak train ride from Tucson, Arizona, all the way to Chicago on a train that has been running forever called the Texas Eagle. So how did that go, Doug? Yeah, all their routes have their own names. There's the Pacific Surfliner and the fucking Mountain Destroyer. I don't know what they all are.

Mountain Destroyer? I said this one, the Texas Eagle, also runs with the, I don't know if it's the Sunset Limited, whatever. It originates in L.A., both lines. Yeah. And they break up in San Antonio. So that one goes, continues on to New Orleans, where the Texas Eagle continues north to Chicago. And San Antonio is like that that's just a little bit southeast of Austin yes okay it's south uh so uh and the Texas Eagle I

looked after the whole debacle fell through uh they have they posted their on time departures on time records percentages on their website. And the Texas Eagle has a 45% online. I mean, on time. That's less than 50%. And how the fuck you can just sell those tickets. Lee, why why wouldn't you take that page down? What do you know? they they have it up on purpose i at first thought it was for legal reasons like you have to yeah have some transparency with this dog yeah but no they're they were they had it up like hey look at this there's a problem

please you know encourage uh congress to pass some bill that's going to help Amtrak. But the Texas Eagle, 45%. That other sunset whatever, 19%. And that's the one that drags it down. This is why two times on the same route, taking the train from Tucson to Chicago, this is the second time we didn't make the train to it didn't make it to san antonio before they sent the fucking another train in its place and then they so we we know amtrak's fucked like we're fully prepared not quite fully we expected the worst because we did this five years ago and we got Shanghai.

So we got a I got a hotel downtown, even though I already have a hotel in Tucson. I got one that's right across the street from the train station, because that way, if the train's late, the train station is nothing. It's a fucking bus station there's no snack bar they have they have bottle waters out and a bunch of sad people on wooden benches and some pictures of the olden days when train travel was fun uh so i didn't want to get stuck there if the train's going to be late i have a room i can just keep updating on my computer how how late it is so i woke up and it was you know about 45 minutes late uh so we we amble over there and it's just late enough that the uh the bar and restaurant at hotel congress opens up the cup cafe which is phenomenal breakfast phenomenal food uh they open at eight so it's uh

you've done shows at hotel congress it I mean, that's a great place. It's an old historic hotel, and there's a venue down below. Yeah. Yeah, I did not get the hotel. I get to marry it across the street because, you know, if I am killing time waiting for a late train, the historic Hotel Congress doesn't have things like television or anything. It's pretty bare bones.

It's a great place to fall down drunk after a long night of partying in Club Congress downstairs. And, yeah, that's where we found Meatwig. That's where we got him. We have a lot of history at that venue. So we drag all our bags over to Hotel Congress. I get some breakfast, and then I get a breakfast cocktail. Then I check in on the train tracker again to see how late it was. And every time I checked in, it was conveniently just late enough more so to

get another round okay hey what time is it in the morning right now it's so scheduled for 743 then that what I when I looked it was that now 830 so we go 840 something it was enough time to go grab a breakfast at the cup cafe and Hotel Congress so yeah and then we finished breakfast hey now it's at 9 15 and now it's in 9 26 and now it's it just incrementally just kept going up but we're all comfortable i was sitting at the bar the bartender knows us so chatting and uh you know a lady came in and sat down between us and some some screwy looking old man kind of degenerate old bus station kind of person and she came in on fire and

she's talking about the train being late and he's also on the train and he's talking to her and like hobo gibberish are you sure you're on the train are you like hanging off the train are you a rail rider sir because you're anyway so i i she orders a uh she orders a very necessary Bloody Mary double, two shots of vodka. And I said to Bingo, this lady doesn't drink for fun. I could just tell in her order that this is a, and she starts saying she's going all the way to Chicago too. And I told her about last time they were trying to put us on a bus. And she said, well, I have to work

and my mother had surgery and she's not in any condition. And she, she go, okay, this lady's already angry. She said, I've never taken a train before, but she had a, she had a credit. She had a voucher. So I'm taking her to Pennsylvania, but we go through chicago and

now it's late and i don't know what's going on like oh yeah you're gonna be fought on the train i said well yeah maybe yeah you you me and bingo here can know we'll play high stakes yahtzee with you and mother when we're on the train in the viewing car she's like what i'm just trying to trying to have fun. Bingo and I said, okay, listen, there's probably going to be problems. It's Amtrak. I mean, you were talking about that on the last podcast. It's like you guys know, you're prepared, but it's also,

there's always shit going to go down because of the people that are attracted. You don't need really id to get a train ticket it's super just like a hundred some bucks for 55 hours of train travel he said that there's there's no there's no barrier and there's no one patrolling you don't you got your own policeman on on a train they actually do i since i've looked into it this time, they actually have their own police force. Amtrak does, and it says you can see them with their canine units, and there's undercover police that patrol the trains. They must not do a lot because when we'd walk from the sleeping car

through the two or three of the coach cars and then the viewing car, there's people sleeping in the viewing car. Like across the entire seats with their fucking feet up and shoeless. With all that shit spread out in front of them. Like a fucking homeless yard sale. front of them like like a fucking homeless yard sale and just kids sitting in the aisles with parents sleeping and not paying attention to them anyway i mean doug you are one that goes to the bathroom in your socks on a plane the most disgusting wet floor of a bathroom oh not as disgusting as a train well no rocking yeah, and I double down on my socks. I'd wear two pairs of socks.

He'd soak up more urine. Yeah, like a gentleman. So, okay, the train ends up to be about three hours late, just late enough for us to miss the freeway. Wait, just to get into Tucson, it's three hours late, which the origination is Union Station in L.A. Yeah. That's an overnight train trip.

Not even overnight. Yeah, it's like a nine and a half hour train trip. I've taken it before. But the problem is that the freight liners have precedence. So if there's an 85 car freight train bringing shit to a dollar store well fuck you and your vacation because people need fucking plastic strainers at the dollar tree well it's not that they have precedent doug they own the lines yeah that's why it's like it's more than it's like hey we need to get these uh these knip-kn ops to the uh to the dollar tree in bisbee it's not that

it's like hey get the get those passengers on a side rail because we own this line you guys you guys are only here because we let you use it yeah so so that there's a lot of amtrak speak that's going to go into this uh we get on the the at first we have a sleeper car it's a room net so it's two chairs that face each other and then a bunk bed on top of you that folds down so you can use that for storage while you're uh both sitting there but once you're gonna sleep you fold down the bottom two chairs into one bed and then use the top bunk now i uh i over packed uh horrifically for this that's my big i i thought i had everything under control but you know when you're packing that much booze because i it's a 55 hour trip then four days in chicago and then another 50 for whatever hours

coming back well you needed suits for your, because of the premiere, you really wanted to have enough suits to go out and do whatever. But I forgot that you packed groceries and broccoli. You flew broccoli to Tennessee when we went to the, whatever that thing was. So, yeah, I can't imagine what you put on a train. Well, we'll go through it. We'll go through an itemized list. And I said, so when I was checking in with the lady at the station,

I said, that 13, I'm in the lower berth, right? And she said, yeah, you're in the lower berth. But if you want to be in an upper berth, there's a lady that needs a lower berth. And I thought, I go, because I have a ton of shit. Yeah. So all the bag storage, there isn't bag storage. Bag storage for sleepers is all on that lower berth. So I want to be right next to my bags. I don't want to have to be coming up and down stairs to get all this. Getting your Funyuns and your fucking beef jerky.

Yeah, all this shit's not going to fit in a roomette. So I declined. And then we get on the train. I'm wearing the fucking suit, too. This is the only suit I did end up bringing was this. I just got a few different ties, two different shirts and four different ties. So I can change up just the tie, but they do make a difference. Hold on a second.

That shirt, what color is that shirt? Is that a green tint to that shirt? It's just a little bit of off-white. It's more just a beige-ish. Yeah, imperceptibly off-white. Okay. But it does make the orange tie pop. It's going to be fucking brilliant.

I got an old computer. It just has black and white screen. Oh, yeah. Anyway, there's bingo and orange, too. Looking great, bingo. Thank you. So I've swept my balls off because we're standing outside in a line to get on the train that's slowly pulling into station. And this suit was a fine idea if my train left on time at

730. But now it's like a fucking 103 degrees at 1030. And you've had a couple pops right yeah so I get on we get on the train and I were both bundled with all sorts of shit and and then I throw it you know and most of the storage has already taken so we're wedging our bags up on the shelves and stuff and stuff in our upper bunk where it'll fit and then the lady who asked me if I it'll fit and then the lady who asked me if I wanted to switch cars for a lady who needed a lower birth comes on with this ancient she was a 95 year old woman with the big wraparound blind person sunglasses for her glasses yeah barely see and I'm like oh shit because now she's trying to help this

lady one step at a time get up the stairs and she's like it's okay once you're in your room they'll bring room service and you won't have to come down here again until you leave and I'm like I can I'm you know mimicking, pantomiming. You can move. I'll switch out. You can. It's all right. And she's like, don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it. And now I feel awful. I go to the bathroom and come out. And the lady that's right across the hall from us is in way worse condition than that woman. Than the other one? Yeah. And she is a giant. She's not quite as elderly, but morbidly obese with a cane.

And tortoise and hare. She literally took four to five minutes four to five to get from her sleeping berth two doors down to a restroom like she moved that slow literally tortoise and hare tortoise slow like every touching the wall and then slowly moving the cane to make a step and I said I know wait for her I guess it you need any help no no no no and then then I look in her she's directly across the hall and I look in she's just got the bottom bunk down she's not share she couldn't she's too big to share it with anyone but you can see this already

detritus like oh like like what hospice care would look like if there was no attendant like my mother's final days and when she before we brought her over to our house when she was just tended to herself it was just and it smelled like that uh like okay and it just does you guys are just getting on the train or was she there from l.a this is stop there's a good it's a good long stop at tucson there's usually there for an hour uh so so then then the lady with her mother who just had surgery, the angry drinker lady, she comes on. We're right next to the family room. Downstairs there's only five. There's four roommates, two across from each other.

And at the end of the hall is the family room. That's the one we wanted, but it was sold out. And that's the one that takes up the whole back of the car. So you actually get – it's a great room that's the one i mean we had it before when we went from san francisco to san diego yeah and then we had brennan walsh yeah with walsh it wasn't shockcroft involved shockcroft was there too yeah yeah yeah there was cocaine i remember locking ourselves in there and doing blow and getting rowdy. But, I mean, you could really, you could almost put your arms across.

Well, it's the whole size of the train. Yeah, it's very roomy compared to what you would think. Yeah, so angry lady gets on and she goes, Oh, my bag is screwed up and it's got a funky wheel. So I come out and I help her with her bag and I bring her in like a porter and I say yeah she goes the family room and this that where's the bathroom I go this is a family room has there's no bathroom in the family room this stuff but you get both views out in both windows only the family so he's got the she has the family room now? Yeah, and her mother is another. Here's the third disabled old woman that her mother is trying to get on, and she, the fucking daughter, the cranky drinker,

just starts going apoplectic about there's no bathroom. And she's like, well, there's supposed to be a bathroom and a family car. I go, no, actually, the family car doesn't. The sleeper car be a bathroom in a family car. I go now actually the family car does it the sleeper car has a bathroom the roommates and the family car don't use a shared bathroom but it's right down there. I don't don't you tell me you know, I'm not fucking just all of a sudden she thinks you work there.

Oh, no. Oh, no. This is and she's comes out and starts yelling at the car attendant. I'm not paying for that. I want to talk to something. She's she's like didn't she say she had a voucher to begin with yeah well they booked it on some other trip that had fallen through but they had credits yeah so she had never been on a train but her mother had one book that she couldn't use because of her hip surgery or some shit and the mother is just this meek old and she's horrified at her daughter just going full Karen and uh I'm not gonna tolerate this and I'm just sitting back because I know there's no other cars they've ever used sleeper cars sold out they do a thing on

Amtrak like they do for first class in Australia where uh instead of like last minute on the kiosk saying hey if you won't bump you up for 60 bucks you bid for uh upgrades so I had already bid on all these trains like hey yeah upgrade me to a family room I wanted that family room a lot I was hoping that she would walk off in fucking anger and then go, oh, I'll take that. I'll take that. I've been for an upgrade. But she, I know she's going to lose. There's nothing

she can do. Just don't talk to me right now. She's yelling at her mother. I know this is unacceptable. This is just unacceptable. And I'm like, this is our fucking neighbor now. 55 hours. Alright, let's play a commercial. I'm like, this is our fucking neighbor now. 55 hours. All right, let's play a commercial. I got to throw my shit in the dryer. Factor, people. Never do the dishes again.

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cooking it in a train car. Anyway, head to factormeals.com stanhope50 and use code stanhope50 to get 50 off that's code stanhope50 at factormeals.com stanhope50 to get 50 off All right, we're back. And then our next neighbor, one room was empty. We had three neighbors, Cranky Lady and her mom, the woman who we'd never see except for every time I get stuck behind her, the tortoise and hare woman. And then the third woman says, Oh, I'd like to see you guys.

You're dressed up so nice. And I like to see happy faces. And dressed up so nice and i like to see happy faces and i'm like okay at least we got one good one and uh she goes uh she told and at some point she told the flight attendant she uh oh what time is uh what time is it yeah can i get a an advanced warning because i have a really hard time walking i just had my hip replaced and i'm like is this a hospice car is this a recovery room what the is like everybody and then upstairs was worse so uh we went to when we went to the dining car for the first time we got the lady with the hip replacement and i go hey when Hey, when we get in there, cause they see it with other people.

Yeah. And I go, when, when we get in there, can you say you're with us? We're a party of three. So we don't get sat next to the cranky lady and her mother. Cause I don't know.

Good move. Yeah, it was. So, so we did that. And, and she liked you guys cause your outfits and you guys, she,

she sniffed you guys as being cool yeah well we were the only people that were ambulatory and could you know you know we're smiling yeah and we were probably the youngest people on the train uh well this sleeping car i mean cranky lady was probably about between your and my age but yeah uh so yeah we didn't bother with the viewing car or anything we've played a little yahtzee because again the viewing car i've never seen amtrak that bad you know there's there's always you know some distance is the viewing card doug is it the one that has like a glass ceiling and then you know, some destiny. Is the viewing card, Doug, is it the one that has like a glass ceiling and then everything, you can

turn your chairs to look out at the scenery? Yeah, they have like kind of, you know, Like Lazy Boys? Not Lazy Boys. No, no, no. They're kind of benches, so there's two, you know, one's facing directly out towards the window and the other two are kind of

curved towards the window like the bar in the fun house if you were sitting on it yeah yeah yeah front window so yeah uh and that's the one that people were sleeping on and no one's stopping it yeah you know everyone was seedy as on that. We sat down at one point while we were waiting for the dining car to open for dinner. And this guy's reading like this. He's an old black guy with... He's reading something. He's got his mouth open and there's just giant lower lip.

And his tongue. You can tell it's... I mean mean it's open all the time it's that kind of mouth that like he and then it's he started to see drool oh and then I realized oh he's not reading he's sleeping yeah he's just sleeping and then he woke up. He had a bunch of people with him, and they were a lot of fun. We were joking around with them. At some point, he goes, I'm not going in a dining car right away. I don't think I could fit another thing in my mouth. I was like, that's pretty obvious.

You have to have a tongue. So, yeah, we had fun. We played some yahtzee we did uh uh i think we took some videos i don't know uh but yeah after dinner i go you know i'm gonna take a saraquel because i there's no better sleep than on a train that fucking rocking you to sleep i got up in the uh in the top bunk didn't uh was made sure they have the harness i took a picture for you because we can yeah the thing that keep you from rolling off into the aisle that we did in the little house yeah we could use that in the little house so i go i'm making sure i'm all locked in for for night. I'm positioned right so I don't roll out. Or it's at least going to be confusing enough that if I get up to piss,

I'm going to have to do a few puzzles before I realize that I'm upstairs and not downstairs. And I woke up once to piss and went back and was just dreaming so beautifully sleeping so beautifully like i don't care if i miss breakfast i have enough of my own stuff oh i did try that stupid i brought a vita bullet i brought so many things i brought out like the ninja bullet it's like a nutribullet yeah yeah yeah so a little personal blender you can make smoothies one at a time yeah it makes about like a 12-ounceet yeah yeah yeah so a little personal blender you can make smoothies one at a time yeah it makes about like a 12 ounce smoothie or something and and of course i brought my broccoli and a banana and apple and uh i have the full video of him blending on the train

everyone off and then when he was talking to me after, full broccoli chunks were coming out because the fucking thing doesn't work. I have the full video. I love that you're a goof on a guy who is asleep and drooling in his own lap, but you're spitting broccoli and having your own fucking Vitamix. Yeah, that's fucking great.

I did this in the process. Send me the video, Bingo. If you can get it to me, I can put it on the end of this. It's too big, but I'll email it to you. Okay, great. Yeah. Yeah, I did it in the privacy of my own room as a tester,

but I have all this stuff for it. I have the green powder, and I got the cheese beads, and all this stuff, the fiber powder. And I know this is going to be a problem right away. Once I see my surroundings, I mean, this is going to be a problem right away once i see my surroundings i mean this is two in the afternoon probably but still once i i plugged it into the only plug in there and turned it on the this sound like had to scare all of these old people did the lights dim when you turned it on so i i i blended as long as i could tolerate the noise like just cringing and uh and then when i opened it up then it's all spilly and i i just took one drink and there's just chunks of fucking

broccoli uh this is just not going to work. You're used to the Vitamix, which is like a commercial-grade blender. Yeah. I think the bullet's good for bananas and milk. I should have just done bananas and cucumber, maybe. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's soft. Broccoli wasn't gonna

work i mean broccoli is like a like a number one fiber uh supplement man that's that that the fiber and the stalks of the broccoli that's that's like the best stuff for your colon yeah that's why i was trying to pack i have a collapsible um what do you call a pot to boil water. It's really cool. It's rubber. Where do you get in an open flame? No, no. Where do you get boiling water?

It's like the UK things you make coffee in and it boils it like that. Oh, the tea thing. You plug it in and it boils water instantly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I go with that.

And this one actually worked out very lightweight and it's rubber collapsible. So when you're done, it's not rubber, it's silicone. Yeah. But it worked perfectly for oatmeal packets, which all this stuff I brought a lot of oatmeal packets a lot of packets of tuna loaf of bread hummus I get on a train turn on a train should be illegal yeah I got this oh my god it's a it's a refrigerator bag yeah yeah but it's a bad in the road yeah it's a backpack too and it's really cool but we filled it with uh hotel ice and some all the stuff we needed cool like the the hummus and then we put it on

that the shelving for all the bags well Well, our car attendant, after we put our shit up there, she rearranged stuff for other bags and didn't know that this was full of ice and puts it on its back. So my hummus is full of melted ice water and it's just everything sucks. This is what, dude. We should turn it this way. It'll fit perfectly. And the thing is, not only do we get three full meals a day in the dining car as part of our thing,

there's also the cafe car if we get snacky at some point. There's no reason for me to have all this stuff. I just thought, oh, yeah, I can remain healthy with the... So I had too much stuff. And I was waking up that first morning, woken up to the sound of, attention, everybody. Please, our train did not make it to San Antonio in time. So we will be putting everyone onto buses to Longview.

So please start to gather your things and deboard, and there'll be someone outside to direct you to the bus, depending on what your final destination is. It's fucking 8 o'clock in the morning six hour bus our is everywhere like i've changed out of my suit like i this suit wasn't immediately okay i wanted to make it an inconvenience at this point yeah i wanted to make a presence when i got on the thing and then after that it's just pajamas i have a a hoodie that i got last minute for a dollar like a disposable this is not coming back very thin soft comfortable sleepy time i can wear this for two days uh and it says uh yeah yeah what does it say it says uh

no bad vibes no bad karma i can't handle this this came in handy because you can't you can't go throwing biscuits when you're wearing this yeah now karen next door the angry bloody mary lady oh if she wasn't on fire for not having a toilet when she thought what do you mean a bus my mother cannot get on a bus car attendant was so the car attendant had to be brand new and never have seen an amtrak before because she was shocked at everything amtrak sucks at which is everything everything's old nothing works oh yeah your ventilation is you know see that button that looks like it's some 1968 that it was used to fucking launch the fucking first apollo mission yeah you turn that to cool and that there's no ventilation system that button hasn't worked since fucking 78 none of this shit works uh in fact at one point we go uh something didn't work

in our car and she goes well you can uh the the one car that was open beside us she goes yeah you can sit in there oh yeah our table was like this so we go to play yahtzee and say this is not gonna work no i had to stuff one of my roller bags underneath it to level it out hold it up yeah she goes well you know what no one's gonna be in there just to uh to uh san antonio so you guys can sit in there all you like and uh but you have to sleep in your your car in case someone buys it last minute uh but when you go to sleep sleep in your car and but so i'm like yeah cool now we have two rooms we have our game room party room and uh uh but then then everything's fucking chaos and the lady going fucking

batshit ballistic uh how she's going to call the fucking president. I go, as long as I'm around this woman, the worse this goes, the funnier it is for me. Because I could easily be that fucking guy. I will not fucking, you've seen me, Karen. But while she was doing it, I've, you can, you've seen me carrying out. I, but while she was doing it,

I'm having fun and I'm wearing a fucking no bad vibes shirt. I have to live up to. So we get off the train. Now our stuff is incomplete. Are you in, are you in San Antonio? Yeah, we're in San Antonio.

So the train that was coming up to, to take people to go south to louisiana whatever that never made it to san antonio so you guys are kind of stuck wait no that that train they they split up the cars that train is attached with the car yeah yeah so so they were actually were in line to go they were going to make their train but the one going north to chicago is the one that didn't make it yeah this is where amtrak speak comes into play because they say because though we were late getting in uh the texas eagle has already left so we're gonna put you on buses to catch up with the texas eagle but no we're on the texas eagle don't say it let just say you sent another train to pad your on-time statistics you cunts because that's if the texas eagle is a line then it's what anyway the point is yeah they sent

another train because we weren't going to be there on time. Now they're going to put us all on buses to catch up with the train. Yeah. Which is going to be six hours to Longview, Texas. Yeah, you have to take a six-hour bus ride and they'll hold the Texas Eagle to a little bit until you guys get there. And then you'll be back on the train

and then they'll load it up and then you'll continue. By this time time we have rearranged all of our shit like okay this was in that bag and now it's on the top bunk and now this and the blender i just put like fucking lost and found at the back of the uh that's gone we don't need this anymore just shove anything where it goes i have my suit in a suit bag but now i don't have enough hands like we were coordinated we could carry it all earlier now i'm like steve martin and the jerk and i got the bucking the suit bag over my thing but two backpacks on this arm and my roller bag i brought a ditch bag roller bag so it's only got two wheels and it keeps falling over oh man and we gotta get in line for this dumb bus and everyone's upset

and and now they're pulling all these dying people off the plane and the the the The Lavia, Lavia was our, I think she was a pronoun case. I think she was a very husky voice, but nice young lady. She's like overly apologizing to, you can't do this, my mother. And she's like, I have 95-year-old people on this train. They can barely walk and it's not fair. And she's almost crying. L 95-year-old people on this train that can barely walk, and it's not fair. And she's almost crying. Maybe it's the attendant.

Yeah. Yeah, she's very sweet. But again, I think it had to be her first trip because she was so surprised that air conditioning didn't work. She had compassion. Yeah. Yeah. Empathy. Nowhere.

So we get out to the bus. We're one of the first ones on of course you're the only two that could actually walk under your own power but yeah like half of our we put it but like i left our stuff up for them to put under the bus but i still had a few things and there's not enough like space above on the bus that will hold like a briefcase but not you know a roller and so we're just sitting there with our cramped this is not a comfortable bus amtrak coach gives you a lot of room and their seats are better than airplane first class they your legs entire legs rise you're almost flat back this is a shitty tour bus uh and i'm like thank god i still had enough um cerical going through my veins to remain calm oh that's right the lady that was an angry lady

she got on and she had before us she had two seats and her mother had two seats behind her with their stuff like we're not no one's sitting with me. She actually said that at one point. No one's sitting next to me. Don't worry. We have a completely full bus, people. Got a completely full bus. And then when they start bringing on the dying people, the terminal cases start coming on.

And one of the handlers or something, you're like, young people have to move again my lady this is a 95 year old woman from christ's sake where's your compassion and other ladies i have work to do on this bus is there wi-fi i'm not sharing a seat i have work to do and i'm just smiling but oh my god but then we were the young people so we moved back to give up seats for the the uh the terminal and and then the bus driver gets on the mic pre pre-departure and he goes okay just i want to give you a heads up on what's going on uh we'll be passing out bottled water and we will have some snacks uh we'll probably say let's do us we'll stop one time so you can get some lunch and uh just there's one bathroom and here's the

rules uh the bathrooms you can do number one but no number two oh they they say that yes yeah no no wait wait wait for it but no number two and let me explain why uh you see in this uh in this coach the the the toilet sits right above the engine and it's gonna get up to 105 today so if you make number two it makes a bus toilet stew Number two, it makes a bus toilet stew. Well, if you have an emergency, just come up and talk to me and we'll work and see what we can work out. And he says, you think that lady that could barely get up the stairs is going to be able to hold it for six sweating, rollicking hours that everyone else is angry. Hang on.

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use code Stanhope. And we're back. So with the bus station, bus toilet stew, I looked at Bingo and I go, no. And we just grabbed our shit. Fortunately, they hadn't loaded our bags underneath. And we just went, are you leaving? And I go, fuck. And we just grabbed our shit. Fortunately, they hadn't loaded our bags underneath. And we just went, are you leaving? I go, fuck yeah, we're leaving. After your bus.

Yeah, didn't you hear what you just said? Bus, toilet, stew? We're out of here. So first, I don't know what I'm going to do. I didn't want to have to do. This is what happened last time. They tried to put us on a bus in San Antonio. And I didn't even get on the bus that time.

Wait, it was in the same spot? Yeah that's where they change trains that's where 19 percent leaves from 45 and he's the one dragging it down uh so last time exact same thing happened except we didn't get on the bus to hear bus toilets do we just went to an airport got a hotel and flew out the next morning this time i went that was i just i go i have enough money i go let's get an uber to that train station that they're taking us to i drive comfortably alone a six hour uber drive yeah it's gonna be 482 dollars i think that's not bad. I go, fuck it. You know what? And so we did that. And of course, couple canceled once they saw.

Yeah, they dropped out. Oh, your driver's on the way. No, your driver's canceled. But the guy, he's like, yeah, yes, I'm up for it. Had a bit of a German accent. Wait, someone took the fucking deal? Yeah, took the took the deal yeah yeah and then uh so we'll have to make arrangements like this has to stop and food and you know i go yeah whatever you need we're not not in a hurry and then after he and he started explaining his uh musical tastes

now when you when you listen to my music you're going to see I have a lot of different tastes. And I used to give speeches and educational outreach programs. And so a lot of the themes, like this theme, was about being bullied as a kid, bullying in school. And then he'd give us, first of't first of all you know just music at all but yeah him just giving intros to the songs and backstory i like this is not gonna work so for six hours yeah we're already out of it's not 10 minutes to the airport where shaley's asking like so the seek religion i was i have a of questions for you. Yeah, this is a little different.

Six hours, yeah, that'd be a little. Yeah. So I thought, okay, next stop is Austin, is the next city. And I know that area. So I go, yeah, we're calling an audible on this. We're just going to take us to the Austin Airport Hilton, and I got us nonstops from there the next day. Well, you stayed the last time you were in town.

Yeah, I thought about flying out of San Antonio, but I don't know it that well. That's where I had a layover. I think I had a layover there. No, I was in Houston. Yeah, I've never been to San Antonio. We did that one gig in San Antonio where

Jay Whitecott showed up. We've only driven in. We've never flown out. One of the ones I drank out of a guy's prosthetic leg. Yeah, that was the prosthetic leg. One of them. Wasn't it LOL? Yeah.

Anyway, so it worked out we uh you know we just watched a bunch of movies and flew in we're staying right near o'hare anyway and i had tickets to fly back initially i bought tickets to fly back on saturday but then i thought hey if the train ride goes well why not just take a round trip and take it back? Yeah. So I bought those tickets for Amtrak. But I kept the American Airlines in case Amtrak went really poorly and I held a grudge. But then I told them I'm going to be here Saturday. So they've been promoting that I'm going to do Q&A both nights.

Oh, at the premiere or at the theater theater so tomorrow night we I mean tomorrow afternoon we take the train back yeah but I've but since then we've eliminated obviously we eliminated quite a bit of the booze I will get rid of the booze and we'll get rid of the uh the snacks and we'll be we'll be packed light the problem is chaley is on the way back and i've been on reddit on uh amtrak reddit i wrote this story up for reddit and uh and some of the people on reddit have talked about taking this texas eagle the opposite way and having been put on a bus. They'll put, like if a train breaks down or something, and they go, yeah, we were in

like, you know, fucking shit knuckle Arkansas or something, and we had to take a bus all the way to Fort Worth. And I'm like, wow, that would suck because there's no, there's a lot of these towns we're going through that have no airport. They're nowhere near an airport.

So I'm wearing a diaper. Getting dumped off in San Antonio and going north, that's your best solution, your best outcome because Austin is so close. Yeah, and then Dallas. Yeah, and then after that, yeah, you're three hours from Dallas. And then Dallas. Yeah. And then after that, yeah, you're three hours from Dallas.

Yeah. There's only a few airport towns we go through on the northern part of this, like St. Louis. And that's pretty much it. I don't think Hope, Arkansas has a fucking airport. You could have hit up Tracy and dropped by the Brechels. Well, you know, I want my own place, but I did text her. I texted her at 6pm.

Hey, you working? It was Kill Tony was going on that night. Oh, they're already working at 6pm. They're loading in. That's what I said. I said, are you working? And at 10am the next morning she goes, nope, I was sleeping, lol.

So, yes, we slept for fucking 16 hours. That's right. We weren't going out anyway. It's one of those relic rooms with pay movies. So we watched like five pay movies that we fell asleep to, all of them, including Chrysler's. We watched. You watched the machine.

Yeah. Fell asleep to it. Actually, we started it. And then we're like 15, 20 minutes in and the TV went out. And then I started yelling at the last hour. The TV's lost power. Oh, they have like a timer. In the hotel, like a timer that every

in the hotel or like a fucking I don't know a satellite dish went down. But all TV like not just the pay movies all Yeah, all the TVs and by the time it came back up, we started it over and then we're fucking zonked. But we, stay tuned for the trip back. The only thing, I really wished I had filmed some of it. It feels like intrusive, like when someone's

all fucked up and feeble to film them, but if this is elder abuse, which it really was, then you kind of have an obligation to film. Yeah, you're like a watchdog. You're a whistleblower, dude. Yeah was it was really i mean i make you goofs on it but for those people i wrote it up on reddit and people are going well if they're that fucked up why would they travel i think it's the only way they could travel like you can't to get those people on a plane sitting up in a tight seat, they need to be laying down in a bed.

Or they just don't trust air travel, too. I mean, 95 years old, she was alive when it was horse and buggies. Yeah, maybe they just remember when train travel was wonderful. Yeah, maybe they just remember when train travel was wonderful. I mean, I think it's always had its problems, but I don't think it's improved like everything else seems to improve technology-wise. No, no, it's... And look, Canada was exactly the same. We had, you know, an unreliable arrival time for our Canadian cross-Canada trip.

So it's not just Amtrak. Yeah, but the coach, I've heard someone on the train was saying that they've been on the Northeast, that nice lady with the hip replacement. She said that she – We call her Happy Face. Yeah, she was talking about, have you been on the Northeast whatever line? And I said, not for a lot of years, but that was way even worse. And she goes, oh, no, the new ones, they've redone them, and they're gorgeous. But the Northeast Corridor is where Amtrak people use it regularly.

Oh, yeah, because they'll commute into D.C. and shit. Yeah, that whole run The Joe Biden run So And the coach Yeah, coach seats on this A lot of them are brand new coach seats And really nice

Except for the people who have laundry Strung up drying And they're tanning Hides and whatnot. Few burns from the charcoal briquettes that got out of the hibachi. Limburger cheese here. Get your limburger cheese.

Wow, you're in good spirits. That's great. Are you looking... i got a message from katie who was uh on the film crew she said she saw the movie last night um but you you didn't go to see the movie you didn't meet up with anyone yesterday no i did i actually i was gonna go they had a two o'clock and a five o'clock showing and and then a 7.30, which was going to be the Q&A one where everyone, that was the sold-out one. Yeah.

I was going to go to the 5 o'clock just so I didn't have to watch it with a bunch of people because, I don't know, I went to Hedberg's screening of Los Enchiladas. Well, I mean, that was a way different animal, dude. At Sundance, yeah. Yeah, like his manager, Dave Becky, and him, like rented out like a room at the Red Lion Inn or something, I heard. It was in the theater.

They had a separate room though, right? It wasn't like, it wasn't entered into Sundance. They just had a screen and invited people. Whatever it was, it was very late. I don't know if it was midnight, but very late. Yeah. And the point is, it wasn't well-received. I mean, it's not like they weren't throwing rotten tomatoes,

but it wasn't getting laughs, and it was awkward and silent. And then a lot of people started filtering out and just leaving in the middle of it and Hedberg is there so it was like I'm like I don't want to fucking if this sucks I don't want to sit through something like that but then the producer said come on you're gonna see it with a full house because you know it gets good laughs and it does be a really funny movie it's i mean there's it's a it's a dramedy basically yeah but i mean it does get laughs that's the thing it's like i mean the time you don't know is when you're filming it and you're doing it over and over again that's when i think you'd be more nervous because

the way it's edited and the way it's all put together, that's, you have more control over how the audience hopefully is going to react. But when you're sitting there doing the same line over and over again, it's got to feel like, you know, just like doing the same old joke over and over. It's like, you can't believe anyone's laughing at it. Yeah.

There's a few parts. You can only be so honest in a Q and a, but there's a few parts You can only be so honest In a Q&A But there's a few parts Where I go I'm sure you'll be very honest About that You didn't write it

And you went in And you committed yourself 100% to that thing There's no shame in saying I don't get that I'm listening to the second book By this guy that is writing about Hollywood in the 70s. And then now it's about Harvey Weinstein and his brother, Bob, and all that. And he and he's like he's talking to other people on set who are like, man, I don't know. I don't get I don't I don't understand why we're doing it this way.

But they do it because you got hired to be an actor, you know? Yeah, just, I mean, of course, there's the hating your own face, head, voice thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you go, ah, well, I wish I had that one to do over. I really, that was a really suck take, you know? Yeah. But it's low budget, and it's not, you know, it's it's low budget and it's not you know that's it it's in the uh it's in the they're not trying to sell you that it's anything but that but yeah when people are saying you know

this could really be huge and you go no i can't it's just it's you're delusional that's i mean how about it it's just what it is yeah does't have to be something that is, you know, some meteoric rise. It's like this was a movie that was filmed in Chicago in the middle of fucking winter. Which is supposed to be bleak. The production crew that bailed out, the production manager who bailed out before the cast even got assembled. I mean, it was just a movie. I never expected to see this movie. I never expected to see this as a movie. I mean, it was just a movie. I never expected to see this as a movie when I was doing it.

But I think what I'm saying is my problem is I'm always going to be self-effacing and, ah, fuck, I fucked up that joke on stage in my act. Or when I listen back to it i'll be yelling just get to the point stop fucking trying to riff right now you fucking dick and and that's what i do but when it's a collaborative uh production or the whole bunch of different piece of people and talent and and you can't just go shit on it like you'd shit on your own yeah hey so yeah you have to go yeah that was the Q&A but yeah we had some we had a fun time at QA and I'm going back now Tony's about to pick us up so we'll we'll get back to you I don't know if there anything's going on at home.

All I know is Raiders taking care of the cats. They got the toe kicks in, so now they can start on the flooring. Cool. Oh, okay. So basically the template for the cabinets in the kitchen are all laid out, and now they can start putting the flooring in, which it should start.

Oh, I mean, I'll be back on Tuesday. Or no, I'll be back on tuesday or no i'll be back on wednesday so uh we'll see but it's getting close because they just put the rebar in for our cement over on our property and it's gonna be neck and neck man all right i mean i i will probably win we're probably gonna win that cement pad will be in uh probably by uh next week this time uh you might not win because i might just start putting in flooring there's a bunch of leftover from uh the little house and i i might be in there at 5 30 one morning when they come in at six yeah it's all done guys

i got a mouthful of carpet tacks and a fucking small hammer fucking hammering down all slipshod and one over the other. I did get your ceiling fan for your back room now. So that shows up on Thursday. So we're

all set there. So yeah, we've got some progress even though both of us are out of town. I booked a book to thing. Just because it's it's because it's the last thing I would ever do. But I'm going to the Bucharest Comedy Festival in November. in romania in november that is awesome i think they're gonna uh you gotta send me i told him i don't have an act right now because you guys been haunting me for months to do this i go i don't have an act and i probably won't have an act i'm dealing with the other and he's like you can just come and do a meet and greet we'll pay you and fly your first class i went if you really

want to do that and ask me in a month i'll see where my head is i'll see where the house is of and uh and then they're like okay i need to yeah i need to get that last chunk of miles on yeah it's a mile for sure and uh it's but it's november in buch goes, it's not really going to be that cold. It's fucking freezing. That's like when they film fucking the Lord of the Rings and shit. I mean, or not Lord of the Rings. The thing on HBO. The winter's coming. I don't know.

Just make sure you pack your things. I told him, I'll do anything. I'll do podcasts. He said, well, maybe you can do something Green Room style with some of the local comics. Sure, I'll do anything other than I'm not going to have an act. And then I go, once I get here, I go, you know, you can probably screen my new movie, and I can do a Q&A there.

You should do that. Yeah, so he said, all right. I go, it'll be streaming by then. It starts streaming October 6th. I go, you won't even have to ask permission. It's fucking Romania. Yeah. Just fucking log into your Amazon Prime.

I'll just watch the movie. That's a fucking great idea. Yeah. I almost brought bingo, and I was looking it up, That's a fucking great idea. Yeah, I almost brought bingo, and I was looking it up, and it was cost prohibitive. How many hours to Bucharest?

It's not bad. It's like 17. I fly Salt Lake for a quick layover, Amsterdam for a couple hours, and Bucharest. And then how much for a round-trip first class? They paid like $5,500. That's not bad. That's not bad for first class.

Yeah, yeah. But yeah, I leave on the 11th and come back on the 19th. So add a day on either side of that. That's like 10 days or whatever. Bingo. It's not going to be amused. I'm not going to be amused with fucking Bucharest for 10 hours, much less 10 days.

So a bingo would... We'll save that $5,500 and go someplace tropical. And let's not forget to plug one more time I've been doing in the last couple podcasts. September 15th at the Shady Dell, you're hosting for Billy Wayne Davis, Andy 15th at the Shady Dell.

You're hosting for Billy Wayne Davis, Andy Andrist, and Christine Levine. Oh, and you know what's a great thing of me continually, painfully putting off editing my special? It's not out there, so I can still use some of the material from that. Absolutely. Yeah. Maybe I'll just do that until Skank Fest. I'm going to Skank Fest, too, as always, just as a spectator. Yeah, you bought tickets, right?

Yeah. Maybe by then I'll have my special out. But they're going to show the movie, too. Great. Yeah. So tickets for Doug's, the show that Doug is hosting at the Shady Dell on September 15th, 2023 can be obtained at bwdtour.com. Billy Wayne Davis is handling all the ticketing. So that's the place to get tickets.

Don't call the Shady Dell. They won't have any information. BWD. And it's all written down here below. So y'all can figure it out. But yeah, that's it. And it's going to be fun. I'll be there too.

All right. I guess I do have stuff coming up in my life. Oh, and Andy, they're all doing that show the night before over at Bumsteads. So if you wanted to go to that, I'd drive you out and drive you back. I live up there. I have a place up there. I'm just saying, I don't know if I'm going to go to the Bumsteads one or not, but I'll talk to you when you get home.

Yeah. All right. Let's get in here in all your orange and take us out live. And then I'll sidebar with Chaley after we pretend to hang up. Okay. Okay. Bye-bye now Thank you.