The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Doug Stanhope Podcast #534 - "We Love Broken"

Episode Date: December 3, 2023

Doug is back from Romania and invited Kristine Levine and Gary Lucy over to break down the "Just For Fun" Bucharest Comedy Festival (https://justforfuncomedy.ro/). Thank You Patreon Subscribers. We could not do this without your ongoing support. Recorded Nov 22nd, 2023 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Kristine Levine and Gary Lucy. Produced and Edited by Chaille. Signed copies of "This Is Not Fame" available while supplies last at Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - Displate.com - Metal posters that take just 20 seconds to install & attach to your wall with a magnet. Go to Displate.com and use promo code STANHOPE to save up to 30% off. Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant  Support the podcast at www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast Photo by Chaille Copyright 2013-2023 Shake The Baby, INC. & Meatwig Merch Media, LLCSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

this is our first uh your first introduction to uh mr christine levine gary lucy hey hey doug thanks for having me on the show this is exciting you know i know i'm not uh are we rolling should i say yeah i um i know i'm not like you know a name or a value-added attraction but i when i'm on a podcast i bring the heat i prepare i've got all kinds of shit to do i got a bag of like show and tell stuff because it's a video medium and i've got um gary lucy super fans will remember when i would go on um jimmy parto podcast that always bring like a little game i prepare because i was game show writers my uh kind of what i'm mostly known for.

So, you know, but it's your show. Oh, and I also wanted to deep tease that some of the top comics are known as game show hosts. Yeah, definitely. Oh, I've written for them. Wayne Brady.

Wayne Brady, Saget. I worked on that show. But we have a special announcement to make. I'm pregnant that sounded like a question from Christine he doesn't let you check

is it mine? I would do like that but we want to announce some exciting merch we have oh yeah we have a merch announcement and Christine has a very hot take on a topic of the day in comedy that will really rattle some cages. He's really selling it.

He's selling the show. Stick around. We'll be back in two and two. I have big notes for the future of this podcast. Every week I want to have a QVC. I have two minutes. Just one thing we're going to put on eBay every week. I brought a thing to put on eBay.

There you go. So can I come back? Just wait till we're done, Gary. Just wait till we're done. But I'm sorry. I'm probably babbling a little, nervous, probably a little over-medicated. But hold on. If somebody sees Gary, listen, I'm not going to listen to that.

I'm sure your fans listen to every single second of all of them. But Gary, who see? I'm not going to listen to that. I'm sure your fans listen to every single second of all of them. Gary, who see? I'm not going to listen to that. So why would someone know you? Why would, I mean, give a little background. Let me tell people. Well, you're going to take

control of your podcast? Well, I was letting the guy talk. That he was an opener for probably me and Andy is a middle act in Harvey's in Portland in the 90s. And I remember you get to an age where you don't recall specifics. You just know good or bad.

Yeah. Oh, wow. That's right. Very good. Gary Lucy, very good. When you told me that you have a new boyfriend, I didn't care if it was a fucking serial killer. Right, right. When you said Gary Lucy, I went, oh, he must have been drunk.

She was like, no, he doesn't drink. And I go, oh, did I say that out loud? He must have been drunk. She said, yes, yes. Am I still talking? Yes. Yes. You've always been so gracious to me. And I'm not like a real dynamic stage performer and i couldn't

so i think it was probably just vibes that you got out of me no it was jokes it was jokes because i remember repeating them when you moved to la i remember going oh he's great he does this there was at least one joke that i always repeated anytime i heard your name that's so flattering when i remember that first night was you took me back to the Harvey's condo because you had some mushrooms. Geek, geek, geek, geek.

Oh, sorry. No. I did not allow. He had a Mr. Coffee and he was trying to make a tea. Well, that's another story. Was he at the show

where Cleveland performed? It was the last time you were at Harvey's? No, that was, I think that was the afternoon time. Andy was there. Because I was with A. That was the last time you were at Harvey's. No, that was... Andy was there. That was a good all night. Attell was doing Insomniac.

Oh, I remember this. He was early days. He was already in LA by the time. Anyway, I brought you back to the condo and this is not a sexual story. It was my joke. Exactly. You had to change clothes or something I brought you back to the condo, and this is not a sexual story. It was my joke. Exactly, exactly.

It was like, you were like, I don't know, you had to change clothes or something. But yeah, and you wanted to make this mushroom tea. It was like an experiment. Yeah, I didn't have to change clothes at all. No, that probably wasn't it. That's never been in my repertoire. No, no, no. Mushroom tea, yes. Strictly for that.

Change clothes. Yeah. I was wearing them for a while. Yeah, it was exciting, because because yeah I only knew you know I'd never met you of course and you know but

people talk about you know like in these lofty legendary terms and then yeah you really lived up to it

like in you know not even in like the wild lifestyle so much but just like just to act just like

you know because Harvey's they get a lot of crowd pleasers there and you know well they would brag at this this was the comedy club that actually was the push over the cliff to make me start booking my own why am i doing you know however eight nine shows in a week for shit money there when i could to a crowd that doesn't like you when i could do one show at dante's for just the people because he would brag this fucking i can't say yeah barry he uh he was a guy that took a lot

of trips to thailand by himself that's all we're saying that's all all needs to be said and he would brag to you how he doesn't have to pay comics because he has the biggest and best telemarketing uh uh like a boiler room yeah in the business calling trailer parks i never won nothing in my life 20 free tickets i remember one time they called me and I said, I don't know 16 people. I don't have 16 friends. You don't have 16 friends? No. I was such a bitch because I was so angry that they didn't, I don't know, they didn't recognize my name. That was it.

I just had a little thrown up ass. So that was the guy. So these were the days where, and that's when it's really the comics against the world. When even the club is a douchebag, this guy would rehire you based on the comment cards. He wouldn't stay for the show. He wouldn't get the jokes regardless. He would just, because it's all about telemarketing and getting people to fill out, put the put the form in the bucket and win 20 more tickets so lighten doesn't strike twice it struck me again honey i never worked for him

not once and one time i went there with lonnie bruin and um barry was there in the lounge part you know remember tim the bartender yeah yeah well anyway so um this this is when you're living in portland living in portland yeah this is your home base late 90s and i would not even go to the open mic there i had nothing to do with that club dante's as far as i was concerned was my home club and barry's sitting there with his you know kind of laid back and he's like hey you know his attitude and he goes so uh levine when are, so, Levine, when are you going to come work? When are you going to come do my show or whatever? I can put you up. You can open or you can host or something.

And I go, oh, I don't know. How about the 10th of fucking never? I'll never do it, Barry. I would never. I will never touch. Never on your. Never. And Lonnie told me, he goes, well, she's just, you know,

he said, she's just joking or whatever. And then he said later, he goes, I wanted to unbutton his pants and suck his dick just to make him forget what you had just said to him. He goes, I thought that I was never going to get a job there again because I brought you to that show. I think it was even Lonnie's show. And he goes, I was worried that he was going to associate us because that's another thing he would do.

He would, if you vouched for a comic and you'd put your own job, your own relationship with the club, your own everything on the line, and if the comic that you vouched for did not have a great show, then you'd just never work there again. He'd ban you.

He was the only guy. If that was the rules at chilcoo charlie's for all the people i vouched for to chaley i would never work in comedy again like if i lost one club for every comedian that went to alaska and fucking ate shit from like great ones uh that you would have rick shap fucking ate shit. Oh, no. Like, great ones. Rick Shapiro ate shit. Fucking Shawnee Rouse ate shit. Martha Kelly ate shit. No. Like, every range, every genre of comedy that I recommend. To be fair, Martha Kelly wasn't a headliner,

but she felt like she could squeak by, and after the first night, there was like, hey, we're going to just put you with a... She's funny. It was great, but it was one of those things. You can't barely have 55 minutes and think you can go up and do a headlining show. You have to have more. There has to be more in the tank.

Well, usually, up at Coots, you could count on just 20 minutes of dealing with hecklers right that's true just to get to your martha probably i can't imagine her dealing with a heckler either well that's the thing is like is that she could yeah she's a very soft-spoken kind of mousy and it was i it was a great week where we figured it out yeah we hit the show in austin i think it was red seven outdoor standing and again she's like levine in always legendarily late and they had to stretch the show forever for her i couldn't find parking she's like that's true minutes late that's true on sixth i mean and uh so she went up to a very it might have been the night that we tried to live podcast that was after the show we did anyway she went up and fucking killed a couple people mouthed off and she did like the backhanded mousy like uh but the perfect line to immediately shut everyone the fuck up and just soft paddle destroyed that fucking room.

Oh, that's beautiful. What's the latest? Didn't we just see she has a cartoon show now or something? Oh, yeah. She's in a cartoon show. I wish I could. Like the star of it. I can't remember what that is.

Yeah, she's like the star of a cartoon show. It's a perfect gift for her. If you guys don't, if you're listeners, you don't know who I'm talking about. The rodeo clown. Baskets. the girlfriend love interest whatever and the park ranger and one of the spider-mans when they're at the oh yeah every once you see her you'll go oh my god like you've seen her in so many things and you'll put it all together but her stand-up is great she's and she was we had, because we had a pretty good stable of open micers. What we did is we just put a bunch of them in there and had them kind of fill in between. So it worked out really good.

But, I mean, that was one of the success stories of Doug's suggestions. So that's actually, like, a lot of work. I was terrorizing this podcast, and I bought these. I'm not fucking bringing one of those ratty ass patio fly swatters into this brand new fucking so i bought these telus extendo i went on just a two fly killing spree today and i washed it after oh nice like a samurai who are you and what did you do with doug god damn it. It's fucking going after you the whole time. Usually Doug would have a fly swatter.

He would do seven in one blow with a fly swatter and then he'd use it to serve you pie. He'd flip a burger on that. Pancakes ready. These things are great. We're going to, well, I guess we were going somewhere with that

fucking Johnny Thailand, Harvey, Barry. Talking about the Portland days and our humble beginnings. We're going to get to, I guess that's why I introduced you as Mr. Christine Levine. Because we just, all three of us got back from Romania yeah and you bought that track suit

stand up a little bit stand up a little bit that's a full that's the full track suit how hot is this I also have Adidas shoes but I you know

couldn't squeeze my fat feet in them and yeah you said that ever since you bought that track suit oh yeah

I've been bossing Gary around like he's my little bitch because you're like since you bought that tracksuit. Oh. Yeah. I've been bossing Gary around like he's my little bitch. Because you're like a, you're like a, you're like a drug? Like a Russian mobster. Yeah, I just turned into a Russian mobster

and I just been, like I changed his name to Getty. Getty. Pick that up, Getty. Yeah. Get that, Getty. We are not pigs.

She don't live like barn. She's super sadistic. She'll talk about, she'll talk about like how she'll, you know, hurt people and like, you know, the fourth finger,

that's just for me. I cut out that one for her. I'm like, I'm like stupid comedian where I go, oh, that one's for me. I take finger instead of time.

So, yeah, so she's totally in control. She's the boss, but she has a weak spot for me. And like, Giddy, I can't help it, which is nice. But your real weakness is for DJ Screwball. Oh. You love the beats.

Like this Russian DJ. I love sick beats. Is this a real person? No. No, I just was like telling Getty. And we're shopping. And I'm wearing a tracksuit. And we're walking through Walgreens.

And I was just like, Getty. You know, like, I love, we have this one. His name is DJ, how do you say it in English? It's like Screwball. So he's like DJ Screwball. And he's so crazy. But so good. You give love.

Bad name, bad name. Who thinks of that? How does he come up with this stuff? How does he do that? It's so good. Your brain is from Mars. Yes. Miss, are you going to buy anything?

Shut up. So briefly, and I'm sure we've covered it, I got an email and several emails from a guy, will you come do this Bucharest Firstarest first comedy festival and over time I caved in and said yes and then at some point I said hey Christine said I want to go there and I go I don't and I go so I texted him I go hey get Christine Levine in on this so I got her in and again for all of us this is low money uh but they're flying me first class. So I said, I don't think they're going to fly you first. But I bartered.

I was on the phone as a middleman on conference, and I said, she's got to at least go comfort plus because she's a woman of a certain size. She lost a lot of weight from cancer, but not enough to fly coach. That's a relationship to how fat I was like you know what i mean like you lose 100 pounds and you're still fat that says a lot about what you were so but they didn't have to get like the special seat belt extension no i didn't need a special seat belt this time baby yeah glamorous i sat there the whole time i wore red lipstick and a russian mob track suit when i

come home oh yeah you know what I noticed about this? Oh, yeah, my sunglasses. You know what I noticed about this tracksuit, though, babe? Is that people get out of my fucking way. They see me, and they just move. Like, Safeway, every store I go to, everywhere I go. Like, even, like, everybody. Black women get out of my way.

I'm used to people just being like, shut up, suck it up. I'm just going to mosey in front of you. Guess you're going to take my man. That's right. What am I going to do? I'm going to take my man. They just, like, people usually they see, you know, I'm invisible. I'm a fat middle-aged white lady.

I'm completely invisible. Like, I'll stand at the deli counter at Safeway and, like, oh, my God, I didn't see you there. And I'm like, I know. I know. Nobody sees me, but I wear this track suit. And it just, maybe I just feel different in it or something. I don't know. But they pay attention to me, and they get the fuck out of my

way i was exactly the same way with like i was always the path of least resistance like in a nightclub if it's there's no way to go okay i'm gonna go past you excuse me this way and until i learned how to douse myself in kerosene and set myself ablaze. Then people are like, oh, excuse me, sir. Mr. Popular, go right this way. You just want everybody to look at you? Hang on. Let me knock this ad out.

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I did a little bit, but I didn't want to go alone. We'd just gotten together and started setting up house in the new place, and I was just like, I don't want to go alone. Yeah, you're in that kind of love. Bingo and I are in love. I get goosebumps every day. Romania? No, not that kind of love. Bingo and I are in love. I get goosebumps every day. But Romania? No, not that kind of love.

I know all your flaws, and I see them coming. Here's what I wanted. Gary and I, I told Gary, I go, when a couple travels together, you really get to know each other in a small space and tense. Like, where's everything? Everything's in a foreign language. Like, what are we doing? And I said said it will take us to a new level we it'll make or break us we'll see how we do afterwards you know so i and i had been telling him that i wanted to go to like a

like a like prague or something like yeah bootgrass or whatever eastern block yeah yeah but also europe you know and um and then this opportunity came up and i'm like we gotta go i mean i i was gonna go no matter what but i really kind of had to sell him on it and he did think it was stupid well you guys without getting into details it was stupid you bringing him made it like where you broke even if you hadn't lost your per diem. Yeah. So let's cut to day one. I had a dream last night.

I was going to open the podcast with this. Next time I go to Hong Kong with you, you better know where your fucking passport is. Because I had a dream last night. Bingo slept with this, what's it called? My Crazy Flight. It's this dipshit documentary series of clickbait, you know, those Amazon Prime things. But it's all about, and all, because I was sleeping to that, I had all these dreams that were travel related.

But that was the one that stood out. Is you going, oh, we can both use the same passport to get through. We were, like, trying to cut through the to get through then they were fucking me over so but then yeah now that i get to it the first day you get there we weren't on the same flight no uh and you guys you get there and they gave you i didn't get a per diem by the way so when he told me that you lost not just your per diem, something else too, right? Well, it was the whole bag. Okay, so they gave us a little goodie bag when we get there, right?

It has this really beautiful little journal type book that says Just for Fun. It's kind of cool. Like they had a t-shirt in it. Yeah, no, I get that. I get everything in that bag except money. The money. Okay, so for some reason, instead of handing us the money, they put it in my goodie bag. So Gary, I got Gary's goodie bag.

They didn't have names on it. So they just handed me a goodie bag. They handed Gary one. They gave Gary a goodie bag. They gave me it. And we got. They handed me one to take back on the plane and said someone would meet me at the airport at home to take it.

They said, don't look in there. It's Perdi. It's Perdi. Don't worry about it. Go ahead. Somebody in a Romanian tracksuit goes, take it. Take it over. So you're in a...

Well, so we didn't know. So we didn't know whose was whose or what. So I had a bag. Gary had a bag. We made it out of the cab with one bag. And the with the per diem in it just got left in the cab so then but then like was it later that night no the next day ahead of time there's pretty not at all no not in the least no i had no idea so we think pretty yeah that's what i'm well so we don't know you got these 7 000 rupees yes yes tell me this in a way that explains whether or not there was ever per diem in it.

No names on it is another thing to say. When did you hear that you were getting per diem? When we said we lost it. We're just kind of going, well, where's the bag? We're at the hostel, and we're asking about food. Is there a place to get food around here? Whatever. Don and Tenshi and Maria

are about to leave. They are the ones that Cal and Greg, they all came to, you know, welcome us at the airport. It was really sweet. And then we're all just kind of saying goodbye. And then we realized,

oh, we don't have the, we don't have the other bag. And then Don was like, oh, so well, that was the one with the per diem in it like what pretty how could he tell if there was nothing no nothing on that cooper you're so

full of shit well because well one of the the t-shirts were different sizes i don't know if you know this now stanhope but i'm a medium and the other shirt was bigger so i pulled up the big the bigger shirt for Gary, and I was like, oh, this is Gary's. You know those Latinx, I think is the one way to call them that's not trouble-causing, that they wear the half shirts, all of it, and they don't really have any sense of self-awareness. No, it's beautiful.

They're mediums as well. Those are mediums. Yeah, that's a medium. You know what? I like it though yeah well so the other shirt and and so that's when their belly is touching the crotch of their uh extra small underpants i look good in a medium give me something. So, yeah, we didn't know. And then we were like, what per diem? You know, right?

Do you remember? We were like, what per diem? Yeah, and we never did find out how much it was. We never did find out how much it was. Did you say this in front of Greg? He was an American comedian. Yes. Okay, so did Greg, did you ever confirm another comedian getting per diem? No.

Yeah, we didn't think about that. We didn't even ask Tenchi about it. We didn't. I've not heard back from anyone I met over there. And I met the coolestm. No. We didn't even ask Tenchi about it. I've not heard back from anyone I met over there and I met the coolest people. Yeah. Greg and just

the all the guys we met the Romanians. Julian. Landry. Tao. All of them. The podcast crew.

I've not heard back but they don't use Twitter. My email is Doug at DougStanup.com if you're listening. And you will because those guys definitely will listen to this. They will do that, yeah. I was going to say good things about Don, and I still will. Yeah.

But this was just so weird. Yeah, him making up this per diem thing. So the wonderful thing is, though, was that we got the entire bag back the next day. That Uber driver brought it all the way back to the next day. That Uber driver brought it all the way back to the hostel and it had my passport in it for some reason. It was the passport.

It wasn't just a dream? It was. It had everything in it except this per diem. Why wouldn't they steal my passport? Did he tell you what the per diem was? He never did I had to do radio

the first morning you did radio I told him right away if you told me if you even mentioned a breath of morning radio much less the first morning there's no way I would have fucking gone and done this

I hope I sabotaged it enough because I knew there was one club the fool that yeah we were gonna have gigs there it's right across from your hotel but they wouldn't believe that you're coming and so we went there that night briefly uh before their shows and then I just kept pounding that rock on morning radio. Yeah, we're in a lot of venues. I'm not sure where they are. I know they're not at The Fool. That's one place we will definitely.

And the more they cringed when I said it, the more I just. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, they must have a partnership with The Fool. Yeah, and it was that morning at morning radio where he, not on air but kept saying yeah i gotta i have to get over there and uh you know somehow yeah i gotta get him some money because they lost their per diem did they ever he never brought you any kind of money he never did and you know at the end though no he didn't bring us money for the for while we were there but at the end he um. But at the end, he sent us the money for what we negotiated. And then we bought our plane tickets and whatever.

And then he said, just give me the receipt. I'll give you cash when you get here for that plane ticket, for the one plane ticket. And when he did, he overpaid us for that. He did overpay me once. He gave me a, he goes, I overpaid us for that. He did overpay me once. He gave me a, he goes, I still owe you $180. And I go, okay. And the next day he goes, okay, now I owe you $10 or whatever. It was $10 off.

And the next day he said the same thing. I go, no, you gave me that yesterday. He goes, no, I didn't. And I go, you did because I had my money in different places and there was $150 and a $20. That's what you gave me. And you said, I still owe you $10. So you owe me $10. You don't owe me $180.

So it's not like he's trying to fuck you. No, it was weird, huh? And it was only $35. But the thought that counts that we got it at all. We were shocked. Right, it was only $35. We were thinking that like, oh, we're never going to see that money, are we? We really thought, I'm sorry, Don.

But we did, we were just like, huh. I had every intention of not liking that guy. I didn't like that guy from the first email. Yeah, we didn't want to. There's something inherently, I don't like fucking suits. Uh-uh. Landlords, club club owners just think if when they try to be buddies with you yeah and you go you're not like and it goes towards this fake relationship it goes back to your first hollywood agency experiences where you go oh you really like

me and then you go oh wait they all say this to everybody? I'm just a commodity. I would rather just know that I'm a commodity. I'm the girl who says all men are shit. But you did say this in a previous podcast where you were getting questions about minutiae at weird hours here because it's a nine-hour difference, that it was like, what the fuck? And it's like, that's the thing that could really wear you down. You know, stuff like a month before you're going,

just like, chit-chat. With his bare feet up and kicking up and like, aww. I'm aware of my temper where if it's just, oh, your camera just flipped upside down. Where I go, okay, listen, I have to know when it's me and not to snap like I did that one night when he fucking. Oh, yeah. I read that text.

Hey, fuck you. I told you not to fucking WhatsApp me because I fucking fuck you and fuck you. And as I'm typing this, he sends me. What are you doing up at this hour? Smiley face. And I'm still typing. I was. And fuck your smiley face.

Fucking three in the morning here that was brutal my whatsapp notification yeah they're all it goes for like 30 seconds anyway uh so yeah i really did want to hate him and i really i i enjoyed all my time there there was i had no beefs with him other than morning radio but like and i would have done it that's the thing too like i was there two days earlier i would have like gladly have gone well here's what you said i'm so mad they all met us at the airport four people met two people that means six people have to fit in three seats in an Uber. Well, they took two. Okay. They got two different, right?

So you had a fucking clown car convoy. Right. Yeah, he met me with two assistants at the airport. Very nice, but so hugely unnecessary. Unnecessary, yeah. Okay, I don't, either I want to sit like this with three people in the backseat of an Eastern European.

Yeah. Of a Fiat. Or whatever. A Dacia Logan. Or I want to sit up front with the fucking guy who's going to practice English on me. After fucking 19 hours of flying. So I wanted to hate him,

but yeah, he was fine. Everything happened the way he said. Everything I wanted. This is what I did in Romania. I got to a hotel that was nice. It had a free breakfast, which was decent. And then it had a great bar with a great staff, all spoke English,

everyone very cool, cute Eastern European bartenders, and a sushi bar, the most important thing. I'm jealous. I still like sushi. So that's breakfast and sushi for dinner. I didn't ever have to worry about local cuisine. And then he would just pick me up in an Uber. He lived right there. Don Cooper drinks there all the time.

Yeah. Isn't that funny? I mean, I knew that. I guess I kept hearing about how he just happened to be. Even Landry said that. Landry said that he was just by your hotel. And Landry was like, I don't know why he's drinking. I fact-checked with the staff.

I go, does he really come here all the time, or is he just saying that? Because, no, no, he comes here quite often. And they would fucking narc me out. I get done the show. Hey, I'm going to go turn in. And then I'd come the next day to meet him at happy hour to have a drink and wait for the Uber. He goes, hey, so they told me you came back down last night and kept drinking. next day to meet him at happy hour for wait to have a drink and wait for the uber he goes hey

so they told me you came back down last night and kept drinking i go yeah i might have had one or two you had four what i here's pictures of you laying on the bar ah oh by the way you never sent me that fucking oh god damn all their names began with a, but she was going to send me that picture of me laying on the bar posing. My Alexandra. That's a safe bet. That's the right name. Yeah. There's Adrian, Alexandra, Anna Maria.

Anyway, the point is, yeah, he was legit. I didn't do anything. They hired me. I did morning radio. I did a podcast. That was great. The podcast. They hired me. I did morning radio. I did a podcast. That was great, the podcast. That came out. No one told me to fucking retweet it,

but I don't think they used Twitter over there. I did the roast. You guys get hired to do what? Okay, so one thing I want to say about Doug. It was explicit that Doug was going to do no stand-up whatsoever. Right. Okay. I didn't have to.

You didn't have to. I did end up doing some. Oh, wow. Yeah. So one thing I do want to say about Don is that we saw him with a lady briefly, and she was also age-appropriate. And he is quite a dancer. That freaks the fuck out.

Was she a producer? I mean, I don't know. Was she the money man? No. Well, maybe. We's the freakest the fuck out. Was she a producer? I mean, I don't know. Was she the money man? No, well, maybe. We hadn't seen her the whole time. I've never seen her. He saw me taking the pictures, and he says, like, hey, keep those on the down low. So you're calling him out?

No, we didn't. No, but I just want to show you that he's a good dancer. I'll show you later. Yeah, we'll show you later. But it was crazy. We just thought, for sure, we thought, can't wait for the party tonight. We see his 19-year-old child bride. I feel embarrassed that we thought that.

And then we see them with this age-appropriate, nicely dressed sweet lady. And I was like, who the fuck? I cannot pick anybody. And I can't stress enough how Don's hips don't lie. He was really good. He was so good. He was like a little tango or whatever. He was working it. Like Night at the Roxbury kind of?

He takes tango lessons, I guess. He was like a dancer. You know at the closing ceremonies there was an after party. We did a little dancing. I have an under party. An under party. So what did we get?

Why did we get? Why we were hired in the first place. Why did we get hired? Two things. You were teaching a class. Well, there was the donkey show. The donkey. There was the donkey show. There was the.

Yeah, I can only think of one thing. Well, we were teaching a class on sketch comedy, which was kind of like the technicality of why we were hired. Yeah. But it seemed like the main point was we were to show up at the duck stanhope roast because we were the only ones who knew him irl that's right really yeah yeah yeah it was like those those were our two we well the the the one thing was the sketch comedy and then yeah the stanhope roast i was told like you guys can do it you

don't have to do it we've got it covered and i And I'm like, no, you'll want us there. After you talk to him about early on what his expectations or hopes were. Right. I feel like there was a big collapse on what he goes. Yeah. We're trying to bring the improv and stand up sketch communities together. And I don't think there's really that much community where he goes, yeah, it's just turned into basically one class. It did turn into

one class and the improv guy got it. We had three students. It was supposed to be three. Well, we had more students that were signed up for the class, but there was some miscommunication. And they got taken away to the gulag. He was expecting

his sketches are not appropriate bye-bye he was expecting bye that's what they say like the uber drivers to their credit in romania it isn't like in la there's three students two of them are bushy Stassi but I was so nervous because the expectation was like okay yeah you're going to do three three hour classes and then like a little recital at the end of the sketches you came up with

this guy who's a writer can do it no problem we didn't have a lot of sketch experience I've done it and I can do it but you know I'm a fan of the form. So I was like sweating bullets. But then it turned out just to be this one three-hour session. One three-hour class.

And the three ladies who show up were so sincere. And so smart and funny and had good ideas and do good work in the community. Two of them were, well, one was a teacher. Was Irina one of them? Irina was one of them. She's like a mental health person i don't know she's a psychiatry student or something like that and she uses role-playing and sketch for healing and stuff you know and it was just like all all their stories

were great like why they were there were great and we still have a chat group on whatsapp and then we continue our relationship with them because, number one, I like them so much. I teach you Wordle. Yeah. We have Wordle. Okay. Then maybe Uno. Some of their weird ass stupid game.

So they were taking down every note, they were hanging on to every word, they had great questions, but they had no idea about the history of sketch comedy or anything so we were practical experience we were saying like well well here's one we wrote and we show them like uh the cowbell sketch or something cone heads that was this is one of ours you know yeah they didn't know we told them stuff like in an improv say no never yeah just give them and then we thought like if we come visit them in 30 years

or 20 years or whatever and we see like how their whole sketch comedy scene is based on no never we've just created a whole new art form speaking of uh there was one guy that came the last two nights were just stand-up nights and i just did a couple of you know bids on each show but one guy that came the last two nights were just standup nights. And I just did a couple of bids on each show, but one guy that had come through the whole week was a guy from Istanbul. And he said, I, the one who emails you,

I'm trying to get, how do I get you to Turkey? And I'm like, and then Don, he's asking Don cooper in front of me how did you get him i keep asking and he goes i just kept bothering him but no then the next night he shows up see now i have to get you i'm like no that's like a jokey way to say. But I'm not ever going to buck in Istanbul. First of all, Romania is funny because nobody knows where it is. It's never in the news.

Turkey is in the news. And if it's in the news, it's terrible. It's not good. It's not a good place. It's just already bad. But then he told me something. It still won't make me go there. But he told me that I basically started the comedy scene over there 20 years ago

because when my first DVD came out, Deadbeat Hero, it was the only DVD that they could find that had been translated into Turkish in the subtitles. And I'm like, wow, I never thought of that as a marketing gimmick. Like just, oh no, we need Cambodian? Fuck French.

No. You know what you need to do? You need to translate it all into India. Indian, like what are those? Yeah, not just Hindi. Urdu. Those are huge languages. Millions of people speak those languages. Chinese.

Do it. There's a YouTube guy, Mr. Beast. He's huge. Oh, yeah, yeah. So that's one way that he is just amassing so many views is because every episode that he does, he spends millions of dollars on a set, right? So he'll do that,

but then he will get it translated into every fucking language. And so those go out, and so he becomes bigger because there's only so many things that they're going to see that is going to be Americanized that has the subtitles. And it's a huge way. I mean, he doesn't have to make extra content. Yeah, translate this into blowing into a Coke bottle. The gods must be crazy. There you go.

Anyway, so that was whatever you were saying. Yeah, no, I get it. Yeah, so you'd started a revolution on accident. We're trying to do that. It segued into you were. Our sketch comedy. So that was our responsibility and we had to be at the roast and that went sideways.

And that went real bad. Yeah, the roast. Oh my god. And I said, how are they going to know anything about me unless they're just making fun of bits they've heard that I did on Wikipedia. And I wouldn't remember it.

Doug Stanhope, he drink, right, you guys? After titty fuck, you punch your face. Titty fuck. Punch your face, it feels good. So, and you expect that to be a late night thing and oh no there's a lot of uh change of plans calling an audible i thought it was a late night thing i thought it was scheduled for wait like 10 30 yes yes 6 p.m at a very nice pub to have happy hour at yeah that's great like if you were just meeting up with the pals from work before you went out

to a place that would have entertainment. Like they would have like It's like a Game and Busters or something without the game. Like a sports bar. Yeah, trivia parks

and things like that. That's it. It'd be like one of those taverns. If you walked in there you would think oh, this is where me and Stan Hope

are going to have a show on a Monday later. Later. Later. It was 6 p.m 6 p.m at this sports bar which was changed the day before uh it was supposed to be this place called like larry's pub or something but lloyd's club but it got changed to one called the pub and i checked with our handler like uh yeah the thing is it's uh what's the venue tonight she said the pub and like and i'm looking at the schedule.

Oh, it must be this Lloyd's pub. So we assumed it was Lloyd's because it said, Tenchi said the pub. And where else could it fucking be when there's a schedule that says Lloyd's pub? Oh, yeah. Now I remember. I remember.

They were late again. It was so. To the point where. No, just like outrageously late. It was so stressful. It was so... To the point where... No, just like outrageously late. It was so stressful. It was like midnight hours. They held the show as much as they could, but we had it hard out because the entertainment...

As much as they could. The trivia competition. It was like 15 minutes past start time, which we were told, by the way, don't worry about it. I said, hey, we're late. Don't worry about it. In Romania? Nothing ever stops out in Strasbourg. In Romania? Yes, we kept telling you. Don't worry about it. It's we're late don't worry about it nothing ever stops don't worry about it it's seven o'clock but i got sold a bill yeah don't worry it'll be started at

eight don't worry about it until the one time that i was like fuck him uh what's irina was she was picking me up uh at the uh bar that night the sushi bar, bar, bar, hotel bar. And I'm like, yeah, all he does is say, it's Romanian time. At one point I said, listen, if you keep saying it's Romania time, it probably won't start until 7.30 or 7.45, then you're going to allow that. So how about on Friday night, I'll go up and i'll do a set to open and then anyone who comes in late they go oh you missed him he started the show and maybe you train him to do something rather than you keep saying it's romania so the one night where i went

fuck him um i just ordered sushi uh and so he's calling her going he the show's set for seven and he's not here the one time i'm not there right yeah now all of a sudden that romanian time thing that you say every day right out the window oh you know what that reminds me of uh this commercial break which has nothing to do with what we're just talking about. Well, that didn't hurt at all, did it? So you show up late to this, but I'm already... If open micers are doing roasting...

Four open micers, maybe five. Both American and... Greg's not an open micer. No, no. He's an experienced comedian. But the locals. But the locals that don't know him. All people that don't know me.

And they're doing pretty much, you journeyman, your career is so fucking tired. How tired is it? And it was fine. But to nobody, there's, what, maybe 30 people in the audience? There wasn't anybody there either, yeah. You have to understand, though, it wasn't like, oh, was that tonight? You know, and we got a late start of it.

We were on point. We were ready to go. And then we got caught in this crazy traffic jam down one of those, like, Europe streets where you could, like, touch both sides of the house, but there's traffic. And we had to abandon the Uber, take it on foot, got to Lloyd's Pub, and it's, like, empty. Yeah, and they're like, oh, no, no it's not here it's at the other pub luckily one of the person was a fan of yours and like was like goes up on

it because how much of a fan well he wasn't he wasn't he wasn't he wasn't at the work because he knew it was a shit show yeah he's like i'm like he was like oh that stupid thing i'm not going to that we never go to pub yeah never I never did look into what they were charging for admission to any of these things. Yeah. No, I never did either. But, okay, so we, like, take it on foot, go to the wrong place, have to, like, then run to the new place because you can't get an Uber. Which involved, like, we had to, like, you know. Go under the subway.

There's a couple times we jumped and bailed out of Ubers and just went we can speed walk and get there quicker than this so that's what we're doing and then we go yeah then there's the subway and all of this intersection so we go under the subway pop up at the wrong corner it was just a nightmare and it's like you know we're getting more more dejected lately and i was like i'm just gonna go home okay like we're just like why are we even going now at this point? And when I get dejected, though, I get like Morty on Rick and Maya. Oh, come on. Come on, let's go. It'll be good.

Come on, Rick. Let's keep going. No, we can't give up now. And I'm glad we did. It turns into Pollyanna. Shut up, Geddy. Yeah, it took a little edge of the hood. I'm tired of your optimism.

And I'm glad we did because when we waltzed in at age 40, it was like the total Lenny and Squeaky hello entrance because you're like, there she is! You were just talking about how late she is. I have to close up the roast

is the thing. And now I'm supposed to go up and roast all the roasters where I am nothing. I don't know these people. I didn't get half their jokes. I wasn't listening. So I go up and I'm like,

fucking, and then they came in and saved me. They gave me something to talk about so I could just shit on them. There she is, always fucking late. Lost her passport. Lost her per diem. Fucking, here she is with her fucking husband, the rain man. And they sit down. And then as soon as I went, oh, I have nothing else to say.

I'm like, wait, you have shit. I didn't even know you were supposed to be on the dais i thought you just sat down because there's an empty seat we spent time writing jokes they were great but i by that time i was so befought like just a mess in my head i was just going i'm not doing any of it like i abandoned all hope i just gave up and i just like so i ate shit for two minutes and then pretty soon you just go you know what well let's just kill it we're done but no you saved it you went up and fucking killed oh i don't with whatever you did well anyway believe me i was there for the whole thing. You put a fucking period at the end of that sentence. And then, yeah, we left to little fanfare.

Went on with our night. We did go on. Where did we go after that? We went somewhere. Oh, back to Club 99? No, we went back to Lloyd's. Oh, yeah. Then we went back to Lloyd's.

Wait, is that the one that was? The cavern. It looked like where they would plan the beer hall putsch. And we got pizza there. That Jerry's Pizza that gave that guy away on Twitter, that Andrew Tate guy. Oh, yeah.

I think that's an urban myth. I think that was debunked that they found him because of the pizza box. I think he was already in jail when that spread around. I'm going to choose to believe it. Yeah, who cares? And to ask you a question. Fuck you.

That's the whole story. If you don't know that story, who cares if it's urban, man? Let me just... There's one other thing. Well, no, there's more things, but there's one thing that... Well, I... Getty's got his bag.

Getty has his sack out. I was wondering if you wanted to see our favorite souvenir from Romania that we got. I would love to see it. It's so beautiful. Well, first of all, here is... Okay, I got that guy. In the meantime, I just want to recap that I never went anywhere other than the shows that I needed to participate in and my hotel. There's nothing to do.

Just all inside my hotel. Did you watch TV? No, I never turned my TV on once. We did the first day It was kind of interesting Yeah there was like There was one of those Like Schmenge Brothers

Kind of shows From SCTV With like a You know a clarinet guy And like you know Like people just Yeah yeah Just really dejected

But But This is pretty cool Here's a Romanian Five dollar bill Is it lei? Li? That's five lei

It's about a dollar's worth But look at like The musical note you can see through it that's kind of cool on money and it that kind of looks like uh like chubby robert palmer would you say or i who do you who does that look like oh wow to you like that's a good call chubby robert palmer yeah gonna have to face it you're addicted to cabbage rolls we went to um this one restaurant. Wait.

You stayed two days? Two days extra. Two days extra. We arrived two days early. Was that because it was cheaper airfare? No. It was just we thought we wanted to see some stuff. Cultural purposes.

Yeah. And we did. We went to the Trolls movie. We saw a Trolls movie with a bunch of Romanian children. Yeah. We were having a birthday party. Just talking and shit. It was great.

And it was in Romanian. And it was in Romanian. And we could still follow it. We could still follow it pretty good. Oh, no subtitles. No subtitles. Why would they? Yeah, that would be dumb.

It's a cartoon. It's a cartoon, yeah. But I'm saying, why would they have American subtitles just because they're there? Because they're there. Because we did go to- Well, we went to see Marvel. Just my asking the question is the hubris

of an American exactly you had to watch it with subtitles well we did go see Marvels though we also saw Marvels we love foreign movies

yeah and that was that had subtitles it was in English and subtitled in Romanian but we we went to three different malls

four different malls we went to four different malls that Four different malls. Four? Yeah. We went to four different malls. I understand fucking... Cultural. Museums, yes. Yeah. No, man. I went to two Burger Kings and a McDonald's.

We went to one McDonald's. We went to one McDonald's. That was the first thing we did. One KFC. We went to... But we also went to... KFC has shawarmas, but it was terrible. It was like a surprise.

The shawarma KFC was gross, but we went to this onec has shawarmas but it was terrible it's like a surprise kfc was gross but we went to um this one restaurant called cares you something but it was like uh the beer wagon yeah that was good that was kind of translated into english the beer wagon and it was great we had cabbage rolls and bread soup bean bread soup it was great it was really good and good beer and the very first thing we did was a real cultural thing i was dying to see this statue that I learned about in art history class. It's the best, weirdest statue you've ever seen. It's called Lupa Capitolina. And it's about the legend of the founding of Rome and, by extension, Romania.

But it's this ancient statue from the 5th century of a wolf in kind of a primitive style. And it's a she-wolf. Long titties. And she's given birth, so she's got like the long pendulous breast. And then about 1,000 years later during the Renaissance, some bright guy made two babies in kind of a more modern style of day, and they're like suckling on them. And it's right in the middle of the town square.

It's the best. It's the weirdest statue, and that's Romulus and Remus. And as the director's cut i know as he started to talk about history a lot of you tuned out and then tuned back in during pendulous breasts and then you learn nothing but you heard what you wanted that's the point now this um this has i i wanted to say uh just because Alex from Australia is here, I don't know why he didn't come and sit in as an audience so Bingo would have someone to play with.

But he also, as we're coming through Sierra Vista, he's never been to the America before. Wow. He's like, so which one of these, I'm not going to try to do the accent, these famous fast food places should I try? I'm like, wait, which ones do you have? Which ones don't you have? They only have two Taco Bells in the fucking country or something.

And I know when I went to a Taco Bell in the UK, it was not Taco Bell in the least. That's why we wanted to go do that kind of stuff because it's so different. Well, we're going to take him on a fast food of all the ones they don't have in the UK. Wendy's, they don't have Wendy's. Oh my God, when we see Alex in two weeks,

he'll be a fat fuck. He'll be so fat. Oh, take him to Outback and he can say all the things that are wrong. Take him to Outback. It just closed. Oh, we can do that on hidden camera. Just have him.

It closed in Sierra Vista, though. That's okay. It closed. They have one in Tucson, babe. One in Tucson. Oh, yeah. There's plenty in Tucson. Check out this great.

No, that would be funny to just have him go, this ain't right. Yeah. How about everything? This ain't right. That's a knife. That's a knife Excuse me miss It actually is a knife Is that a beer?

Is it? A beer comes in an oil drum size can Not this stupid glass Okay alright So then we bought this Oh yeah this was at a store It was called like Ross We went to like a Ross dress store. It's called Ross.

I lost the thing for the big... We went to a Ross dress for less, basically. It's called Half Price. It's called Half Price. Ross Half Price? It's like a Ross, but it's called Half Price. So we bought this. We bought this Nutcracker ornament. Christine felt sorry for him

because he was missing an arm. Nobody's going to buy that little fucker. But his other drumstick, it looks like he's a stand-up comic, right? It looks like he's got a little microphone. And his drum fell off. So that was like on this little stick. So it looks like a little. It looks like a stick set.

And we're like, that looks like Stanhope in 1999. It would be their wagon. So that was yeah that was our favorite thing isn't that neat yeah and then the lady was trying to

take it away and replace it with a good one and she could not understand we wanted the busted shitty one

with this little dick out we like bad yes we like broken I did try to tell her I'm like we love broken yes I did try to tell her. I'm like, we love broken.

Did you say that? Yes. I was like, no. That's exactly what I would have said. What's our game, Garrett? Do you really have a game that we have to play? Oh, yeah. Oh, wait.

You said cocaine. I did cocaine over there. You did. You were making a Romanian, Bulgarianian cocaine joke earlier and i'm like oh fuck which is exactly what i said the next morning oh fuck yeah we did cocaine there were some some of the local uh comedian uh folk were doing a little bit of cocaine and uh yeah and i go yeah i'll do a bump just to say just so you know i'm not a cop right and uh i did a bump just to say. Just so you know I'm not a cop. Right.

I did a bump. And then when you don't remember that till the next night and someone mentions cocaine and you go, oh, yeah, I do. I do remember now that I did a bump. Right, because you fell asleep and it didn't plug your nose all night. That's pretty good coke. No, that's great. I didn't say too much.

I just kept going. Or was it like the per diem you did the coke right sure that was the per diem that was it but that's how you know and i did leave i did bring 70 pounds of uh checked bags oh that's right do you know where the how that well that's the other thing i want to know, because Don Cooper, if you're listening, Tao and my little bushy man there, I gave him that orange fucking plaid jacket. But that's supposed to have gotten to you, the white tuxedo. All that shit was supposed to. Don Cooper cherry picked the bag because I left it with him.

No, he did not. Yeah. Well, I told him, yeah, but make sure this gets to them. So Doug at DougStanhope.com or DougStanhope at Hotmail. Both go to the same place. So yeah, fucking I want to hear from the Romanian comics. What did you get? There was a can of beefaroni that I knew only Don Cooper would appreciate.

He's 60 and he reminds me a lot of our friend from Grand Funk. Mark Furner? Not Grand Funk. What the fuck am I talking about? I don't know. Boxman Turner on the drive?

What are you talking about? Dr. Hook? Dr. Hook. He's got? Dr. Hook? Dr. Hook. He's got a Dr. Hook vibe. That's right. He reminds me a lot of him. He looks similar to him. He's a good-natured guy like that.

It reminded me. I've got to shoot a DM to Dennis. I haven't talked to him in a bit. He sent me a picture of the beef road. He goes, you left me beef. I haven't eaten beef for only since 1977. Like,

all right, you're the only one who would appreciate that. But I want to make sure that you fucking gave the other kids the shit that he wanted. The fucking white tuxedo from the roast. And that, uh, that's nice. So that's

all I wanted to get out. Close up. I gotta triage this then because I might have to bring the game back because we got some other business here we gotta get to. One of them is like this line of merchandise

we have coming out we're very excited we got to talk about that this is 100 real and this is win-win for you because it's great content and also we might be able to pay you back the money that you gave us for the thing oh yeah so we're thinking like what kind of shirts we could sell like you know that's kind of saturated with the funny sayings and everything like what's something that's like catchy and inspiring and fashionable like and we love like that kind of like outdoor's something that's like catchy and inspiring and fashionable like and we love like that kind of like outdoor chic like fishing chic like the and you know and young people don't get into fishing they don't get into fishing they don't get out very much

they're all into their faults so we thought of something yeah and uh our new line of clothing it's fish come hard yeah it's just Come Hard. Yeah, it just switched. It just switched, yeah. It's Fish Come Hard. Just switched again. That's what the shirts do. That's the magic of it. Fish Come Hard.

That's our little clothing brand now. It's called Fish Come Hard. And we also have a fish C. You could double that up with all my disease T-shirts and we could have a two for one of nobody's buying. We also have a fish C-U-M hard, like for the dirty grandpas out there. For the dirty uncles and stuff. Yeah.

And this is a serious thing. Go to fish.com, fishcomehard.com. It's our Shopify store. There you go. There's like bucket hats. Listen, here's the thing. Every time you go to a Target or a Kmart, you see a shirt. You go, that's kind of a cool shirt.

And that's a cool. Well, every Target, every Kmart, every fucking TJ Maxx, Marshalls, Ross. They're full of them. Every fucking Big Lots. Oh, it's. Yeah. No one else in the world will you run into with that shirt that isn't immediately your friend. That goes for each one of our shirts.

It's a great filter. All of our fucking merch. Yes. You wear it. You see someone else wearing it. You have a buddy. That's true. You're in a riot.

That's a guy helping you out. And they're against you. You don't know who. the police aren't helping go to the one wearing the similar t-shirt look for the people look for the abortionist green t-shirt yeah look for the one wearing the medium because she's big enough to protect you that's right doug you are you are correct douglas and we do we don't spend a lot of time in this but i love this here you take we uh everyone saw you gotta watch that albert brooks documentary oh my god and she hasn't seen a lot of his movies like some of his movies and everything like you know i love i watched the super dave one that was a great documentary let's watch the albert brooks documentary have you seen the the Albert Brooks documentary yet that unsufferable motherfucker no like okay but is it do I have to

like movies no no no just Albert Brooks you know I told him about his comedy and stuff and the whole time I was just like fuck what fuck this guy because he's just like oh yeah I was on Carson like 11 times. 30 times. 30 times, yeah. And I never practiced a bit once. I never planned it out. I never planned it out once.

Like you never wrote it. Like did you write it down? No, never once. Hey, for the young viewers that don't know who Albert Brooks is. Or Johnny Carson. Or Johnny Carson.

Yeah. Maybe work out your bits. I'm just, I mean, or don't because I guess it just works because he's a genius no but the point is if you don't know who he is now then you know what uh not working out your bits didn't uh help your legacy no it didn't oh that's true yeah that was i just don't i just

just hopped in on the fucking punchline the whole time though i was losing my mind because he's just so and he's like and then he tries to talk about how he struggled or had gotten shit for all the things that he did and i'm like what fucking shit he didn't have one single consequence of his avant-garde craziness except success oh god fuck if only we were all so unfortunate well there was that person who wrote in the village voice that it's not for everyone i think because when he was 16 years old carl reiner said he was a genius and he just sort of coasted on that his whole life oh yeah you know there was a beauty we have uh been alive all of us enough to see the huge arc of when there was three channels to where there's no such thing as a channel.

Right. It's just, everything is a channel. And there's no gatekeepers, which I thought would be great, but it also creates a lot of garbage. Who knew? Yeah, but again, there's a lot of great things. Right. And there's a lot of bad things that happen from,

oh, Carl Reiner said I was great, and that all you needed that's all that was it okay Carl Reiner someone you don't need to know because you have eight billion channels and that's just on the one device right if you get the new device the the size 27 that's coming out this year. It's got 42 billion premium channels, and each of them are just free subscription for the first month. That's right. It's just, I don't know. I've clearly aged out of all of this. That would be a dare from one of us.

I guess Gary, because he's the one who's got the mind for it. How many premium subscriptions for anything can you get in a day for a month and remember to cancel them all without writing it down you're fucking weird little edgelord shut up oh my god how many can you get and remember well i get real close god i had two hulu's going and they wouldn't tell me that yeah so it's i'm not the one for that job we just thought you liked hulu i get i get free i don't even know actually we can't even mention that still on the air some things you know what oh it's the best kept secret yeah then shut the fuck up

i was gonna mention one thing that i'm supposed to get free with a status of uh where you go i go i keep paying for that every year how do i like you say it's free with the thing but they don't seem to know it when i use it anyway let's are we let's close up uh pitch all right uh your your uh podcast first of all okay my podcast is found a dead body is called found dead and we were gonna make like t-shirts of found dead like something about with with like two like little cartoon feet sticking out of bushes and then something like is it a mannequin or something like that like guess what it's not a mannequin or something like that but um laying down yeah laying down to like little feet sticking out so um but we do have found a dead body by the way

oh please yeah where do they uh found dead pod at gmail.com and founded pod.com like we have like a website we have like a whole thing. So yeah, they, they, they, they, they,

they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they,

they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they,

they, you interview people who have found dead bodies. Cause you found, come talk to me if you want to, if you found a dead body and then I'm going to have some other, like in the next season coming up. So we are taking submissions and interviews right now. And we are also,

um, I'm, I'm going to like start telling stories about people who found dead bodies. Like, um, the lady who unfortunately stories about people who found dead bodies. Like the lady who unfortunately found the Manson murders. It was their housekeeper, and it basically ruined her whole life. So we'll talk about that. She showed up to vacuum and clean up after a party.

And she found Sharon Tate. That's before wet vacs. Ooh. Ooh. Gross. How many degrees of Kevin gross are we how many degrees of Kevin Bacon are we from we're trying to get

she's dying to get Corey Feldman and talk about Stand By Me oh yeah I don't think he's busy I think he'd do it and I wanted to talk

to Patton Oswalt actually that's another like dream interview about what it was like to find his wife yeah yeah

bring the house down that's what i like to do um and then and then we have of course have you even approached i don't know how to do that i mean maybe now's a good time to do it but i mean like i would like to know yeah i always want to talk to her about it you know um one of the first times i really had any kind of in-depth friendship with her was at the desert party right after Mitch passed away. And she just, for some reason, we just bonded and she just unloaded. You know what I mean?

Like we talked a lot, a lot that weekend about what she had gone through. But I don't want to talk about it until I talk to her. Do you know what I mean? There's two things we can do. We can threaten AI. Can we get an AI to go, oh! We have to start talking less about it. We've set up Gary.

He's a genius. He is a genius. That's true. Asperger's. Idiot savant is what they call it it's heavy on the idiot light on the savant

but we'll just say hey listen Gary can do AI of anyone so you can come on with your authentic voice

or we can recreate you from a voicemail that you left Stanford in 2013. And that can be the interview. Right.

We'll do it either way. You get to pick. But Stanhope is really pushing for you. Like, the real you. He really likes it. He really wants it. He's rooting, hoping that you'll come to the table. But if not, it's okay, Lynn.

I'll get to you about that. Yeah, all right. Start fucking hitting up social media about this. And the fucking Turkish guys. I don't even know what social media you use. Fucking glasnost.com. Whatever. Yeah, tell me how to communicate with you. And this is one.

We were talking last night. I was quoting. I won't even say his name. And if you canceled such a small man, like physically, a tiny time. Not a dwarf or a midget. Just a very diminutive. Slight. And I was trying to

quote his bit I can't I can't he goes yeah I just got a new rape whistle I can't whistle

oh my god I don't know how to whistle what is that let's do it we'll do a little voiceover for her ready to whistle again

and I'll do the whistle. Okay. I just got a brand new rape whistle. Wait, wait, wait. Shh. Oh, that's good. See what happens when you quit drinking? Dry mouth.

Ruins all podcasts. The point is, go ahead. Oh, I wanted to jump in that the most popular social media platform in Istanbul is Tikturk. And it's a little similar, but the best joke we heard in Romania. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got to tell you that. No, no, you tell him. No, no, no, I can't. I can't. You do it i can't you do it you do it you're so funny when you say jokes

let's go it's really great why don't you figure it out um and i've gotten a bunch of stuff uh in the mail and it's uh but this is an old uh a piss It says, notice to passengers, do not empty this chamber pot out the train window. And that's an authentic. Wow. And I can't remember. I think his last name is Jung. Or is it Jonathan Jung? It's Jung.

I can't find all my fucking paperwork. No. But he's a fan. But he's also the guy that sent us the book that was like, I had a bad day and they took away my babies or something like that. Oh, yeah, yeah. What's that guy's name? Yeah, like that whole crib got roaches in it and all those.

But yeah. No, no, it was a lady that self-published a book, How They Took Away My Kids. Oh, okay. I have to get some of that. it and all those but yeah no no it's a lady that self-published a book how they took away my kids oh okay i think it was just like in such busted english where and we would read passages out of it like chad shank would read passages and he he left me a note that's fucking somewhere but the more i try to clean up the more more things disappear. But anyway, you know who you are, and that is a fucking authentic train chamber cop. Wow.

Man. Smells like the porn store. I don't think they just peed in it, babe. Okay, Gary, tell the joke. Mark Twain pissed in it. Yeah, can Gary tell the joke? Okay, two Romanian guys get pulled over by the cops, and the cop looks in the window and says,

we are looking for two child molesters. And the two guys look at each other nervously and say, we'll do it. Like that? Is that how it works? You raped them? No, no, no. Somebody told us.

Somebody told us. Somebody. Somebody. I think it was, was it Tinchy or it was Tinchy yeah she was uh first of all that's like in the like when I was a kid I remember it with Iranian jokes because that was the thing yeah in the late 80s when you're 12 13 was Iran buck Iran buck Kilmaney and so every joke that could be anybody you heard for the first time about, what do you call a busload of Iraqis with two teeth?

I don't, whatever. I don't even remember how that one goes. I fucked it up. I know that. But everything that turned into blonde jokes, that turned into Polish jokes, that turned into any, yeah... Romanians are not known. That could be...

Yeah, what do you call... Hey, what do you call three people from Sierra Vista? Yeah. Yeah, how do you kill a guy from Sierra Vista? You put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of a swimming pool. Yeah, who's here from Benson? I'll talk slower then. Woo!

Thank you. Bingo. Take this out of here. Okay. Bye-bye now. Now you're going to get on camera. Too late. Bye-bye. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you.