The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Doug Stanhope Podcast #540 - "Life in the Slow Lane"

Episode Date: February 3, 2024

A new intern shows up at the compound. Thank You Patreon Subscribers. We could not do this without your ongoing support. Not a member? Support the podcast at www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast Recorded December 2023 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Lane the Intern, Raider, and Bingo. Produced by Alex Hodgins. Edited by Chaille. Signed copies of "No Encore For The Donkey" available while supplies last at Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - DraftKings.com - Support the show and shake up the Super Bowl. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code STANHOPE. New customers can bet $5 to get 200 instantly in bonus bets. Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Join Doug's Mailing List - http://www.DougStanhope.com TOUR DATES - https://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates Photo by Alex HodginsSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

I don't know how much you listen to the podcast and for how long, but we've had, we've had, we've taken some bad chances in the past with Charlie, the intern, and then Bar Matt, the bar maker. Okay. You got it? I experienced that one. Yeah, I showed him the i showed him the finished product from uh in the back bar mat yeah that's a professional job yeah it hasn't gone to

the junkyard this is just because i want something kind of like an apocalypse now where they hung corpses of the traders out for the newcomers to see i i keep that bar and go don't uh don't promise the world and deliver this i actually said that when i first got here did you would have been disappointed if i didn't get to see that though the description of it it's so beautiful yeah i didn't know i didn't show you there's still a sticky spot where the epoxy still has not months later um hardened i'm not worried about satisfying you i'm worried about satisfying shaley yeah no that's really who you're auditioning for right now that's fair uh yeah jaylee won't be back till for about a month hey bridges side side side wig that's what I call him. He's my side piece for Meatwig.

Behind Meatwig's back. It's Sidewig. I still don't want a name though. Britches is his name because trousers was the other type of cat. Side show. Britches. Bingo. Oh yeah. I thought might get very confusing. Wow. wow so yeah yeah Chaley's the the hard sell right

but yeah you have time to lean into this you have so you have no family to speak of family

well in Pennsylvania now what part Central Pennsylvania Lewissylvania he definitely has brad's accent because he's also a wisconsinite and just a hint of the speech thing that brad has not not enough that might be due to the very expensive veneers yeah no the fucking, the tooth work is very. Top job. Very top job. Should have seen them before. Yeah, but that's why I'm afraid of getting mine fucked with,

is like if I get a Rich Voss speech impediment, like he got from, like, yeah, he smoked crack till his teeth went away, and then he got, I think, I think this is how it goes. I should fact check before I say this on a podcast. Well, then he's got the speech impediment that everyone jibes him about. He does have a sound. I had a list before. All right, well, so does Brad.

We'll bring him over so you don't feel bad. There you go. Yeah, the Packers secondary doesn't have the same. Secondary. Yeah, I can't do it. I have to be around him for a while. This is his coaster? Yeah, yeah.

We used to be all Packers fans here. Maybe you can reinvent that. We're going to just refer to you as an intern because it usually generally means no pay, but we're going to have to pay you something because at first. You take sideways. It's a straight. It belongs to somebody, just not us. Seems to like me.

Here's the thing. The difference between Charlie the intern is he basically said, these are my qualifications, and they weren't astounding. Charlie the intern said, oh, you having a problem with the bank? I'll have that bank paying you $10,000 just with the, oh, you're buying a new car? I know tricks. We're going to get $10,000 shaved off the list price. Everything was going to use it. Yes.

And you know what he ended up doing? Breaking rocks. Literally smashing concrete down to small enough sizes that it could fit into the fucking back of a pickup truck and go to the dump. That's what Charlie was good at. Cool. Yeah, I try to not oversell

because basically I'm good at shit work. Same thing. I've done every job to a very medium level of acceptable. I appreciate your honesty. By the way, I'm Dave. We haven't even met yet. Nice to meet you, Dave. Nice to meet you. Raider.

Raider. Leo, call him Dave. So does my psychiatrist now know he's Raider. Yeah. We did the first one of that. I think it was a perfect I'm told it went well. Tee up for the next four episodes.

The problem is, is he going to find out because I told him that I'm a stage performer and he kept going back to it. Now when you say a stage performer, we're kind of He was looking at you up during your session. So, it's not during.

Immediately after. Yeah, you know, you know, I know. Especially with not having the camera on. The curiosity had to be killing us. He was looking it up. Well, I was saying, like, my tour manager for Chaley. So, it's basically, please ask me what I do, is what I realized I was saying, like, my tour manager for Chaley. So it's basically, please ask me what I do is what I realized I was saying. Yeah.

Without realizing it. But, yeah, I think that's going to go somewhere. I'm going to put a curtain upon my face. I'm so mysterious. That was absolutely true. I don't like fucking Zoom because I don't like looking at my own face. And then I forget what I'm talking about

because I go just focused on how stupid I look. But don't think you're stupid sometimes. He's only been here for like three hours or so. And he's already put up the Christmas tree, the stand-up family Christmas tree in there. The lights. Put up Christmas lights up around the deck. Since when do you have a Christmas tree?

Since I fucking checked the mail. Prepare to be other people. You know what? When I check the mail, I get shit. When you check my mail for me, nothing. It's orange and short. That's fine. Okay.

It's a baby tree. When you said stand on family, I'm thinking passed down from generation to generation. Yeah. From the FedEx mentee. It looks it. Yeah. It's probably my dad. Okay. Yeah. It looks it. From the FedEx man to you. My dad. Okay.

But back to Delaney. Yeah. So for the viewer or the listener, do you want to start with where this began? Well, since you live in the corporate world, why don't we do it corporate style? And you tell us the questions. Like, if you were him trying to be an intern at Shake the Baby Incorporated before we go public, what would you want to do? Before we IPO? Yeah. Yeah. What would they ask you?

What would your boss be asking you if you came up here? Good question. If I came to interview for this job, what would my boss yeah yeah so just what the hell are you doing oh that's right your boss is your friend yeah like do you'd be like do i get two weeks notice it's probably his first question but um we usually write out a job description first what is the job description well he just told me a bunch of shit he could do and then one of them was oh by the way We usually write out a job description first. What is the job description? Well, he just told me a bunch of shit he could do. And one of them was, oh, by the way, I used to hang art for a dealer.

And I go, well, I get that job. It's all the shit that used to be on the walls. That's huge. He sent me an email. You tell him. It was on a dating website. You tell them. It was on a dating website.

I was listening to the podcast, and Doug was ranting about how he can't find anybody in Bisbee to do any work around here. Oh, was that episode one or a thousand? A thousand. Every one in between. And I've heard other podcasts where it was mentioned in passing that people are either rich retirees trust funders or hippies who i believe you said say they can disability but then don't want to work

yeah i never said rich people i said people on disability that don't want to work that's social security or disability yeah they're retired and they're usually more able than I am if they're on disability they're probably in better shape than I am to do most physical things I think if you can get a prescription for Xanax you can say that you have an anxiety disorder that prevents you from ever getting up on time or going anywhere it seems the

same reason I don't lease a car I buy them where your accountant always says, lease it. Yeah, but if you lease it, you have to worry about any little fucking dent. I have to go get it fixed. If I am on disability, then I have to go through what she goes through. Like, oh wait, I can't make a fucking dollar and they can take it all away from me because they found out that I had a paper route on the side.

I don't want to have to worry about the P's and Q's. Running for president. Oh, yeah, but if you talk about your campaign at a gig, then they can call all the ticket money. I have to claim that as campaign. I'm like, I am not fucking doing that. I don't need to fix the world. Yeah, I could absolutely fix this country in under four years.

I could probably do it in two and a half years and take a year and a half off with everyone just going, wow, that was fucking cool. But not with the paperwork involved. Fuck them. Yeah. So you sent Doug an email. So I sent Doug an email. Good job. Yeah.

I'm doing like an online coding school right now cool that is you know says six months it'll probably be more like eight to nine just cause it's

I'm not good at that shit really I just want to move to Bisbee and I know I can't work at Safeway and stock shelves and have people treat me like shit all day

for ten dollars an hour so I figured so you want a remote job a remote job yeah okay a skill. But you picked one you hate.

Well, there's no good ones to do. I'm a musician, all right? So I could record music and stay at home all the time, but the buy-in for that is really high. I'd have to buy a drum kit. I play guitar. So I have an interface, a guitar, a computer. The computer I could do all kinds of shit with.

The rest of it I can only record music with and it's expensive. I don't know anybody who can pay to record music around here. And I don't know that I'm good enough to do that for like the first five years I'm gonna be doing it. It ain't around here. There are a lot of talented musicians here but they don't have the money. It ain't around here. And there's already people doing that. I'm positive. Cause the one...

Well we know, yeah know Kevin Starr, Mr. Bonaduce. I don't know what he has. Him and someone that we know opened up a recording studio. Oh, I don't know anything about that. They're in the process. Roadrunner Florist. Okay. They got that building right around when we got our studio.

So, you're going to learn how to build websites. No one even goes to websites anymore. They go to fucking social media. I'll just do other people's websites. That's what I'm saying. Nobody has it. I have one. I don't know if Chaley will give up the passcode.

Well, now with Squarespace and stuff, it's more like data entry and updating information on larger websites medical websites or government websites oh even more exciting than mine it's really thrilling basically I know it's really thrilling stuff but I've been in several bands

and I've always had one person in the band who does some online web development or they're a designer, but they only do work for maybe two hours a day. And I'm always like, what the fuck am I doing being a bartender, going to work every night,

dealing with assholes who do nothing all day, and then come in here and demand the world from me, asking me what's my favorite drink to make, which is a water. Right? Nobody gives a shit. I don't give a shit about making cocktails, really, and seeing the looks on them. Seeing them light up

with joy as they take the first sip. I don't give a shit. I want them to get in, give me a really good tip, and then leave early so I can go home early and smoke weed and watch a dumb documentary until I fall asleep. Well, you just killed all your fucking bartending

opportunities. This is what I'm saying. Here's the thing. A really good bartender can, will, and should make a lot of money. Just not here. It's your serving people who are drinking based on how close

to the first of the month it is. What are you having tonight? Hang on. Where's my calendar? Okay. It's the 27th of the month. Yeah. What do you have in like a natural light? Yes.

This right here. Which is another one of my favorite ones to make. Anything in a can that I just hand over to you. You can even open it yourself if you want to keep it that bold. But I don't like really working with people that I don hand over to you. You can even open it yourself if you want to be that bold. But I don't like really working with people that I don't like, that aren't like my people, that are yuppies.

I was doing that in Wisconsin, bartending. Yeah, I don't know where you get the idea that this was a yuppie town from my podcast. I don't want to be a bartender, period, though. I didn't get that this was a yuppie town. I never perceived it as such all right yeah there's there's not rich people here it's the yeah but uh as far as

building websites i'm just trying to think of something that would be even less like uh waxing cats. Less in demand. Poorer choice. More poor choice. Luckily, the program I'm doing has a job guarantee, so if I don't get a job at the end of the program within a year, they give me 10%

of the money that I spent on the program back. Wait, 100% or 10%? 110. I get paid a little bit. Have you checked the reviews of this company? on the program back. Wait, 100% or 10%? 110. Oh, 110%. I get a little bit, I get paid a little bit. Have you checked the reviews of this company?

Yeah. I have, I have. Of course I have because I don't really have money to spend on it either. But... All right. And how much is the course?

It could be up to $25,000 but mine's $10,000. All right. So... So you just... Do you want to be... Here's your choices when you sign up. Do you want to be kind of all right? so you just do you want to be here's here's your choices when you sign up you want to be kind all right pretty good hey better than that last guy

it's i got i got a i got grants that made it cheaper oh nice it would have been 25 000 like why don't you get a fucking job writing grants? That's a huge industry. I hate writing, too. I'm a songwriter, and I hate writing the lyrics. Well, you've heard my bit about that, how fucking lazy songwriters are. Yeah. Just repeat the same fucking chorus over and over in three fucking verses, and then you can be Cyndi Lauper, and fucking 40 years later, after your one fucking hit, you can be on reality shows

well it's cause you do all the back breaking work as a musician touring you gotta drag your shit around everywhere there's no such thing as a roadie unless you're like U2 or some big band so you're dragging around big amps you're helping the drummer if you're a good person

if you're a comedian what do you take your clothes yeah your shit it's a trade-off something to knock you out ice oh speaking of i'm fucking out of a drink i'm gonna go make myself a drink you go just start this is the good cop bad cop you want me to make a drink? Yeah. I'd love to. Listen, I don't really trust you, but I'm going to go make myself a drink and think about it.

Do you want me to make a drink? I don't mind. No, you play the soft hand. What's the soft hand? What am I supposed to talk about? How much he usually steals from employees. Do you want me to make it for you? I don't care, you dick.

What is he talking about? So we're supposed to talk? Please sit in here. Please sit here, Alex. I need you here. I need you here. Are you on camera now? That's the daily.

Ask a question. I'm going to be here. I probably should be disappearing all the time. A little more professional. Yeah. Somebody should be. But wait, so the point is, just for the background, so you put out a call for

whatever it was and he emailed and said hey i can kind of hang out and do things he put out like just a general message that he was looking for people to help with stuff on the podcast which i was just like i was literally in bisbee and i like walked up to the fake like continental divide yeah uh and i was just listening to the podcast and i was like i should just message him when i get back because i don't actually have a job and i'm not making any money yeah and i've done two pet sits for people here now who didn't pay me anything no so i've been like i've had a couple jobs where i'm like oh i'll get like a couple hundred bucks out of this i'm watching their house for like a whole week and their animals and this one cow was giving shots too and stuff and then i like didn't get paid so i was like wait did you just

say you were giving shots to a cow a cat a cow and i was did you hear cow but i was worried he was gonna be talking about the homeowner so i let it go i didn't hear cow a couple hundred bucks out of this i'm watching their house for like a whole week and their animals and this one cow is giving shots too and stuff and then maybe we should just move on you know there was no cows you can you are talented so yeah i was listening to that as i was very broke and i was like well it can't hurt all right let's play a commercial. I got to throw my shit in the dryer. Hey, it's DraftKings.

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See dkng.com slash football for eligibility and deposit restrictions, terms and responsible gaming resources. DraftKings, the crown is yours. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. All right, we're back. I actually live, like, all over the place right now. I don't have a home. Okay.

My girlfriend is going to school. That's her last year of grad school. Girlfriend or wife? Girlfriend. Really? Yeah, we both have brains already. Once we get the house here, then we're basically married. Okay. We're well committed. Okay.

Give me a rookie. Girlfriend. She'll appreciate you clarifying that. I'm not looking at anybody can anybody get in trouble? Did you think we needed a seat filler like the fucking Academy Awards? I asked him to. I asked Alex to come sit. But my girlfriend's in Wisconsin, and her cat just died. So I've been back there.

And I was there for the last year, but I kind of hated it there. And she's in grad school, so our social circle is art school people in grad school. I went to art school too, but I hate art school people. I consider myself to be pretty liberal and open-minded, but the arguments that they have are taxing. The ability to be offended.

I was protested by the University of Wisconsin there. You what? I believe that. During the show. The man show, remember? Yeah. When I was doing the man show. All the way back then?

Yeah. And they said, you're going to have protesters tonight. And I laughed. They're just being. And then when we got there early, they go, you're going to have protesters tonight. And I laughed. They're just being. And then when we got there early, they go, yeah, they're starting to. I'm like, you're serious? They're going to protest me? Yeah, the man show.

It hadn't aired yet, but they knew that I was the new host of the man show. And there's like a dozen of them. The man show is sexist to both genders. And Doug Stanhope is a dope. That's cool. Finally. So I went out and I go, do you mind if I take some pictures? And they're like, no.

And then I'm taking pictures with them. And I realize they have no idea who I am because they don't know what I look like. They just think I'm a guy that's taking pictures because they're protesting and they have no idea who they're protesting. Oh, that's great. So yeah, we hung out. Yeah. So she's

in the school and she kind of has to put up with these people, but if I have more than three drinks and I'm around these people, it immediately she got mad at me because I was quoting a Doug Stanhope If I have more than three drinks and I'm around these people, it immediately... She got mad at me because I was quoting a Doug Stanhope bit about being on an airplane and saying that you're gay just to make the gay guy in front of you feel comfortable. The gay kid, yeah.

And it's, what are you going to do, like, make me suck your dick just to see if I'm lying when I say that I love it? She's like, I can't believe you're saying this in front of these people. And I'm like, it's a joke that's supportive of them. And she's like, they're not going to get that, though. Oh, yeah, not without you explaining it to them, lady. Yeah. Gay people don't get jokes. Yeah.

Well, my best friend is gay, like, ironically. But he's hilariously gay. Like, gay, you would never know he was gay unless he told you and you were standing next to him and his husband. Other than that, he's just a fucking hilarious dude who will call you worse names than you will be able to call him. I believe I said that

in that bit that you're quoting. Todd Glass Gay. Just normal fucking guy, Todd Glass Gay. I mentioned to other people, but he's the one that you go, yeah, no one would ever think Todd glass was gay because he's not a guy that would if he was fuck if he was slamming pussy he wouldn't be talking about right it's gross gentlemen yeah it's gross either way but yeah the the amount of you know

tiptoeing around people who I could give a shit about. And, yeah, it's like I'm 37 years old, so somebody who's 25 being delicate about stuff, I'm like, people have called me a fag my whole life, and it never bothered me. And if it did, I'd just act like I wanted to make out with them. I'd just be like, oh, honey, how'd you know? Fuck with them back. So I don't get the vulnerability thing.

It's more you have to be resilient and fuck shit back. I really don't know how the real world works anymore because when I was a young comic, living out of my car and frequenting flying J truck stops, and yeah, you're surrounded by that element of of life and the bars you'd play well i ain't a comedy club that's a fucking seedy dive-ass bar up until you go on it's you know 7 30 till 9 30 and at best and then they're not your friends they're an audience that has no idea who the fuck you are so that's when you go okay the world is scary and then you think

it uh it must have changed no you started making more money and you put up a big fence and you don't talk to anyone anymore it's probably those same douchebags are still clogging up pilots and love stations all over i'm sure yeah they didn't go anywhere. No, there's a new crop of them now It just came up and they're excited to have their opportunity. That's when you go. Maybe it's not a bad thing Everyone's just staring at their phones now Everyone done it we used to do things. Yeah, but they weren't always fun. Maybe if assholes are just staring at their phones You know new unlike downvote on Reddit,

upvote a racist thing. Okay, good. Or just comment on YouTube, that's racist. Don't elaborate anymore on it. Just be bothered. Make it sure that the whole world knows how bothered you were

by something you chose to watch. Let's get back to the interview. I feel like I'm nailing it. What's up? You're doing great. You're definitely of the under-promise, over-deliver. Good. When it comes to non-disclosure agreements,

how closely do you look at the wording? If I have to sign one, I'm already offended, first of all. All right. You don't trust me, clearly. How do you feel about playing Blindfold Sign the Document? It's kind of like a piñata game. As long as it doesn't turn into Blindfold Who's Giving You the Handjob. I think we've played that, maybe.

Not recently. Oh, we did! Oh, my God think we've played that, maybe. Not recently. Oh, we did! Oh, we did. No, me and Fester. That was the fucking story that I told on that special where she was trying to out me. Oh, I know this.

Yeah, because we woke her up to witness a fucking blind... Goat cheese. Goat cheese, Dawn dish soap, handjob on a micropenis guy named Fester. woke her up to witness a fucking blind goat cheese, goat cheese, Don dish soap, handjob on a micro penis guy named Fester. Yeah,

he doesn't listen to my act. He's not a friend. He's not a friend. He's not a friend. He's not a friend. He's not a friend. He's not a friend. He's not a friend. He's not a friend.

He's not a friend. He's not a friend. It was there. You know what? It made the bit. Goat cheese. It was available. It was available. We got it blindfolded and we're playing guess who's giving you a hand job.

Okay. And it was me or Ben Scott or the whore waitress. The guy had micro penis? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Oh, man, it was sturdy. It was a sturdy little thing i'll blindly sign that document just as much as i'll completely act like i never got the court summons for

failing to abide by it what is your drink of choice uh ipas or gin cocktails. Wait, we got gin? Gin cocktails. We got gin like gin what? Gin in it? Gin in it? Gin in it? Gin in it? Yeah. Now it's going to be stuck in my head. Go ahead.

I don't know. Do you know what's in a gin in it? It's gin and sweet vermouth and bitters, basically. You're having a lot of question marks at the end of this for a former bartender. Maybe that's why that bartending thing didn't pan out. Sounds like sweet vermouth. At one point, there were thousands of cocktails in there. Now I don't care enough to have them in there.

It's more if somebody else makes them. Do you have any DUIs? Two. Fuck. There's a big no-no around here. Yeah, well, I don't do it anymore. One was when I was 17, and the other one I was exactly at the legal limit. So if I could have afforded a lawyer, I probably could have gotten out of it.

Yeah, those are the bad beats. Yeah. Yeah, I get audited for taxes. I never paid my taxes. I filed for them until I was 33, and they sent me a letter going, hey. Yeah. I never knew what a piece of shit and i but i would have i would have gotten money back if i'd kept my receipts and those when i was living out of my car yeah i made whatever fourteen thousand dollars that year i should have filed legally but i spent

more than fourteen thousand dollars to make it i'm just not good with fucking math and paperwork when I'm living out of a car. There's not a file cabinet anywhere in here. I like how willing they are to go after people with no money. I would love to pay this debt to you. Fortunately, I don't have any money to. So you see the futility of you going through all this paperwork to write me a bill that I can't pay. What was the last job you had, and what was your reason for leaving? I was a bartender, and I worked at a record shop at the same time in Madison.

And I moved here. If we were to call your former employer and say that we need a reference, that you're applying for work... I'd be good. Huh? I'd be good. Yeah, let's do that right now. Okay. Any one of the phones. Any one of the many phones.

So awesome. Let's call the record store. I like this kid. Go for it. I think he's in. He's being wary on think he's in. He's being wary on Chaley's behalf. He's a stand-in Chaley

going, we'll see. Nobody can be as wary as Chaley. I can't do it. Do you know the number? Off the top of my head? No. But the record store is called Mad City Music. They'd be open at 5.30?

No, they wouldn't be. Where'd your bar take you? Convenient. A bar is open. Mint Mark in Madison. Give them a jangle. You're going to get the hostess. Yeah, I'll leave my... Give him a jangle. You're going to get the hostess. Who's the manager?

I'll just ask for the manager on duty. You could ask for Bell, I believe, would be the one. Okay, here we go. Bell? Bell. Bell. Good evening, this is Mintbark. Hi, Mintbark. hi mint mark is that your name oh that's the name of the business i need the manager on duty or bell if she's available

she is not here can i take a message i whatever manager's on duty i just have to quickly uh i'm trying to push through an applicant that's applying for a job with my corporation, Shake the Baby, and he's a former employee there, and I just need someone to say that Delaney Flanagan is not anyone that's going to steal, lie, or cheat our corporation. Well, I'm a manager, and what's the name,aney delaney he's a gentleman i know i thought it was abroad when he applied because he did it online but it's a gentleman named delaney flanagan which is a very funny last name yes he is not going to do anything bad to children oh to children who brought up children what why is everything boiled down to Epstein Island

with you kids and your conspiracy theories? He was a good employee. Oh, he was? Did you miss him? Yeah. All right. Well, I'll tell him that Delaney Flanagan, did you have anything to say?

Because I want to tell you, because of this lady answering the phone, you got the job. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you for vouching for Delaney, but it'll come back to haunt you if you're wrong. That was funny.

To children? He definitely won't do anything to children. I didn't mention children. You said shake a baby. Shake the baby is the corporation name. I know, but that's why she said that. And that makes all the sense. So that was your girlfriend we just spoke to?

No, I wish. That was your girlfriend. I think that was Jennifer. I don't know. She said, I'm one of the managers. Like, everyone's made a manager. And then you grow into assistant dubious manager.

It is one of those. Time and a half manager. She seemed nice. Pyramid scheme. Alex, you got tobacco in there? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

I know. I really want a cigarette today. I don't know why, but I really, really want a cigarette. That's okay. We'll be fine. We're going to be fine. It's Monday Night Football. Okay, so what was your drug of choice that made you lose most of your teeth,

that you had to have the rich vas veneers it wasn't a drug uh i used to ride bmx bike and when i was a kid i used to do big stair gaps and about two times i hit my teeth off the handlebars so they were chipped in half so what you're saying is you already applied at tosh.0 before you came here Before he existed is when I made all my mistakes. They probably would have ended up on there. He had some scorpions. Yeah. Those are the ones at Tosh.0,

the skateboard wipeouts where you go, oh, there's going to be a compound fracture. I can't watch that. You eating diarrhea? I'd watch that while I was eating diarrhea. I'd be sick. I used to smoke cigarettes.

I quit those. Fuck yeah. We're not slaves. We're not fucking slaves. Yeah, you can do it. We believe in you. No, no, he can't. He's a fucking coward weakly. Strong people like us can do it. Yeah, we're not... We believe in you. No, no, he can't. He's a fucking coward weakling. Strong people like us can do it. We're just better.

We're alpha males, right? That's true. Well, that's... Yeah. Oh, my God. I've often been described as an alpha. Yeah. That's one of the things,

listening to that guy on fucking Fox News. Jesse Waters? Yeah, Jesse Waters. We watched him on a different show, and, oh, that guy's definitely a beta male. And then on the beginning of this show, and now, you know, Aaron Alpha male,

and, like, it's so tiring, because that whole fucking, that whole Rogan trickle-down effect of fucking somehow MMA is influencing comedy, and you just hear cuckold, cuck, and beta, alpha, and, you know, you guys are all fucking still picking sides in a fucking presidential election.

So if you're looking for a leader, you're fucking just naturally a beta male. If you go, you know, I think Trump or fucking Biden. Well, that makes you, if you're a voter, you're a beta. Vota, beta. Vota, beta. Vota, beta. Vota, beta. I think anybody that's desperate to categorize themselves or others in fucking Greek or whatever verbiage is just a deeply, deeply, you know,

uncomfortable, insecure individual. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know which Greek letter designates we're all equal, but once anyone could get a gun, kind of fucking level playing field. It's not really a fucking dog-eat-cat world anymore. Yeah.

Enjoy your heart attack, by the way, on your carnivore diet. Have fun with that. Yeah, I can't argue that. Who knows? Yeah. Is that what you're on? Oh, no, no.

As far as diets go, something's going to... Okay, this is good for you now and fucking eggs are bad. Hey, how's it going? Good. You're going to have to get used to that if you're looking to move to Bisbee.

Saying hi to strangers. How do you feel about that? I'm cool with that. You said moved here. Are you staying around here close by? I'm just back and forth now. Just because I'm just online right now. And the house that we're getting, we have like a $25, 25 000 down payment but they're

still living in it until may or june here in bisbee yeah an old already bought an old so you already put a down payment down yeah put the down payment on it what is it will they let you sleep on the couch tonight so you don't have to drive all the way to probably i was thinking of texting because he stole your guest house he was here. Yeah, and he always will be. My toilet is in my front yard. What? My toilet is in my front yard. Yeah.

Are you offering him a place to stay? It was unexpected. I wasn't... You can pee in the sink, you know. They took all my pipes away today. Oh, no. But this isn't about me it's about you Delaney Flanagan

what's your girlfriend's name Ralph you have the girl's name that's fucking Andy Andrews' daughter's name fucking Delaney you have a girl's name you have a girl's name this You have a girl's name. This sounds awful.

My friend Andy's kid is named Delaney too. She's adorable. I'm adorable too. That was when he walked through the door. Just in case. I go, that's me saying, ha ha, you have a girl's name.

In case he missed it. Well, yeah, you said that was the first thing you said on the phone when I called you to say I was on my way as we were just making fun of your name because you have a girl's name. I was like, all right, well, I'm glad you like my name. I'll be down. Oh, yeah, that's right.

I was sitting there. I was at the counter. Oh, yeah, I forgot that I said that. I got Dennis Rader, the BTK killer, next to me. Picking on me. You're the first person who's... Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who's ever... Different spelling, but still, you're the first person. Yeah, I think I watched a documentary and brought it up. I don't remember. Yeah. It seems... Was I sleeping in your chest at the time? First memorable.

First memorable. Maybe I didn't. Hang on. You know what that reminds me of? This commercial break. And we're back. All right. So what are your intentions with my daughter?

You don't have a daughter. You know, I mean, once you hang up some art, which is not going to happen today, so you've got a second day's work, especially if you can fucking stay over there somewhere with these people. What are their names? Kelly and Kaylee. Guess which one's the guy?

Oh, wait, there's one of them's a guy? Right. A heterosexual couple in this town? Call page six. But the Observer's only four pages. Yeah, but yeah, we'll get you fucking hanging up. You came in at a very strange time because I had to do this thing that we're starting

and the proxycologist. The proxy. It was entertaining, though. Yeah. It was good entertainment. It was good that you came in when I, like, all right, just hang out

because I have to fucking make notes here. Yeah. I have to figure out what I'm doing. That was more entertaining than you just disappearing the second I came in

for like two hours. All right, I'm just up here hanging out, I guess. I don't know where it is. We got a lot of art in different places that we need hung. Oh, corkboard? Yeah, we might...

Yeah, fuck. Yeah, we should bring him to Sierra Vista tomorrow. Are you going to Sierra Vista? What's happening? Well, we gotta go. You don't have to do it. I have to go get all that shit. From Home Depot and the cork board for... Nipsey? Got a weed? No he's got a weed one. Double weed vapes? What's that? You can talk to him about that. Double weed vapes? Absolutely. Yeesh. Do you need some weed? Do you need marijuana? I have edibles.

Edibles are more fun. They're less predictable. Yeah. I wasn't predictable. Thank God. I called Jim Norton last night at almost 10 o'clock midnight his time. And then he texted me this morning.

I woke up at like 5.30 this morning and I get a text at like 7.00 and he goes, are you awake? I'd assume you'd be asleep me this morning. I woke up at like 5.30 this morning, and I get a text at like 7. He goes, are you awake? I had assumed you'd be asleep at this hour. And I went, what? I don't really talk to Jim Norton. Do you not remember? And I said, I go, I'm still in bed, but I'm awake.

And then I'm like, oh, fuck. I have vague memories of like watching jim norton or something last night so it's very high and faced football sunday you know you try to make it last all day and then he goes can we call and i went like, oh, wait, I watched his podcast. Someone posted Jim and Sam on my Reddit. Doing your thing. Talking about the fucking Fox News thing I just did. And they're like, yeah, he was, I don't know where he was.

And it had, like, colored chairs, and it was like a preschool or something. Like, where I'm high and yelling at the screen of my laptop going, no, it was a diner. I was in an open mic. And so I left them some kind of message, but I remembered enough of it so when they called me, I knew what I was talking about. Because you don't ever want to talk to a man your age in his late 50s that's been sober for his whole adult life and go, yeah, I have no idea why I called you

drunk dialing is not something you should do when you also have AARP ARP where you won the show this morning yeah awesome that'll flesh out the video

yeah so find that. Ow. So, do you have any, he says he's good with technology, so he's gonna, I'm gonna make him sit in

when he tries to teach me how to work all this fucking new camera shit. 3D camera? Buy that. 3D camera? Yeah. Buy that. 3D. 360.

360, yeah. There we go. That's just the vernacular I'm not good with. If we were more portable right now and I was more inclined, Excuse me? If we could have planned this day without having to do that thing I would have gone alright be ready with the cameras when he walks in close enough now

but then we're going to go see how he does at Safeway shopping cam cart cast put the 360 at the end of the shopping cart and then we'd take you to see how good you are at tennis versus Dave Rader what? what? the shopping cart and then we'd take you to see how good you are at tennis versus dave raider what well i'd be dave raider you have to at least be able to beat dave raider at tennis

not my finest moment well it happened and you don't really get a do-over uh monday night football versus michael Bean you can still do that right yeah just put them through some paces is this like a knowledge test on football no no you just have to pick the right team oh okay

go on instinct yeah he's fucking killing me that guy oh have you ever killed a 67 what no just chill yeah michael bean he was just in the emergency room let's see what happened is he out he's uh i don't know he texted me but i haven't gotten back to him he's yeah he's out say goodbye he didn't say uh no he's, he was in a hospital bed calling me a pussy and a faggot

for losing... So he's alright. Yeah. He's gonna be okay. Yeah. Well, put him there. We don't know. We don't know.

Sometimes he takes too many of his... Downs too many of his uppers or ups too many of his downers. Hey, can you follow us to the urgent care because someone's got to hold his shoes. We did that once. Yeah, and he called me a faggot really loud in front of the obviously gay attendant

that was putting him into a... He didn't know, though. He really didn't know. He had overdosed a little bit on a prescription drug and forgot he had already taken his pills and then took more of his pills that were prescribed but yeah then it wasn't he wasn't calling me a faggot he was actually calling joe rogan a faggot because i had just done rogan's podcast and he listened to it where it came up that he was lived in bisbee and uh and then he's like i don't know who that is and the producer brought his his picture up and go oh from those movies and he's like oh yeah i know that guy and anyway and he just moved on and michael bean had listened it, hoping that there was more Michael Biehn talk.

And he was slurring in his wheelchair. He goes, I'm going to do a podcast, and I'm fucking, I'm fucking, I'm fucking, I'm fucking, Michael, let's just get you into your...

That or didn't mean the same thing when he was in his youth. Yeah. I'm just thinking hopefully the guy working at the hospital knew that. Yeah, he was basically under hypnosis is what happens when you take too much energy. Yeah, but it's

the way he said it with the really dragging that last part out is what makes you feel like somebody's probably actually homophobic well no no it's a lot of the times he's fucking he's really a funny guy and very caustic but a lot of when he first came over he'd come over all the time and he'd be just because i have a lot of stuff on my albums stuff that I say very loudly in a certain timber that might be not conscious of someone's feelings. But so he's like, wait, I can't say faggot over here,

but you say b**** in your special. What the f***? Yeah, but that's in context with the whole performance. It's not just a bit. That's the problem. When you do an album that's fucking an hour and ten minutes long, and at the 11-minute mark you say something that anyone could take out of context, but they don't know that you're building to, oh, at the hour and six minutes,

that's where it all pays off. Where it goes, see, you laughed at the beginning, but now you're the bad person. Yeah, but no one listens to a fucking... That's my only beef with Joe Rogan. Like, how do you get people to listen to three hours? How do you talk for three hours? Well, and Joe Rogan's not that funny. Well, that's not...

It's not about the comedy there. It's just stream of consciousness about shit that he's interested in. Half the time it's about IFC. I used to listen to him all the time. And now it's all politics and IFC and stuff and Republican talking.

I don't know. I just don't care about this shit. I bet he hasn't changed. I don't know. It's like, I just don't care about the ship. I don't think he's changed. Get comedians. I bet he hasn't changed. I don't, I, uh, cause in the beginning he was always like a conspiracy theory guy.

He's had Elon Musk on, just does like a ball washing of him every time. Like he doesn't ask him hard questions. You know, then somebody else will come on and have a critique of Elon Musk and be like, yeah, that's a good question. It's like, you just had him on. You didn't have a list of good questions? The free speech

issue on X or anything like that? You didn't bring any of that shit up. You just walked right by it. See, I've never listened to his podcast. I've literally walked off of it. We're friends end of the world podcast

that was a bad day for me you shine still I have no regrets about that I wouldn't watch it again I would never be able to sit through it I'm glad it was taped. Like, when you're...

You're trying to get Marilyn Manson to come out. ...nature of fucking mental... Like, that's a bottom-out point, and I didn't miss the gig. Maybe I should have, but... I think Bingo was napping at that time. Yeah, she was... No, I was just...

I was tired. Her alarm was going off, but she wasn't hitting the snooze bar right yeah that was I remember that was 2016 and I was packing sculptures for the whole

podcast for that thing yeah that was such a weird podcast cuz Trump won halfway through it oh yeah hang on just for the right what I was talking about when I walked off his podcast cuz okay yeah was was just in the old days where is like I like this is three hours I can't do this anymore I have to piss again I have nothing else to say how can you talk In the old days where it was like, this is three hours. I can't do this anymore. I have to piss again. I have nothing else to say.

How can you talk this long? No, I'm just leaving. I'm just going to leave. And it was funny. Yeah. I didn't want to fucking leave that where I walked off his podcast like, I'm not going to. Painfully. Yeah, no, I was just like so drunk. I'm like, how do you fucking talk this long?

I've never been interested in a three-hour conversation. I think that's the thing. He has a lot of genuine interest in a lot of different areas. He does. Yeah, he really is. And I think that comes through. Yeah, that's a jealousy. When people say, oh, you're jealous of so-and-so because they have more.

No, I'm jealous of anyone who has abilities I don't have. Like, oh, you can dance? Fuck you. That's for queers or something. Or anything that I wish I could do. And the biggest one is have interests. Right. And I don't.

And I can't develop them. Yours is right around the corner. Yeah, but I wouldn't... We haven't drawn resolutions on each other's stomachs. That's true. That's true. I do have interests in dark things. Like visiting prisons.

If I could just visit prisons everywhere I went. We tried in Romania to see a Romanian prison. I don't know why I have a fucking... Yeah would definitely do that or mental institutions like the grotesque ones not the ones where hey we're putting a shiny happy face on this and we'd love to have you tour our malibu canyon fucking ranch that dr drew plugs yeah no i want to see that. Old cemeteries where the graves are falling into them. Creepy shit like that. In Prague, they have a bone church. My girlfriend was in Prague last year,

and I want to go to that bone church so bad. It is cool. Oh, we go to a bathhouse we call the bone church. Okay. Different type of bone not not fully defleshed yeah there's there's some checks in there what is prague czechoslovakia i already got brussels wrong i thought it was in france or germany it's in belgium where's prague czechoslovakia all right well yeah yeah the country formerly known as

what's it called now what's the news i wasn't there there you go see now you get all your excuses in order we don't have to cover that topic you don't know you didn't see you were putting up the Christmas lights. He wasn't there. He wasn't there. If anybody asks, I'll get that tattooed on my hand. Hello. Puppies. Are you guys getting another dog?

No. No way. Just that cat that you saw is subtly being adopted. Was that guy like that? It was three of us that waved at him and not a wave back? He waved back. Oh, he did? He stopped for a second. Oh, I thought he was just yelling at his dog. No, he waved. He's cool. He seemed Asian. No. I know my...

Short Mexican? Chinese, Japanese, Chinese. Look at these. I know my Japanese. He had sunglasses on. He was trying to hide. It's a cloudy day. He's wearing sunglasses. There's still glare. I guess, yeah, with fucking the Australian lighting over here, there's glare at any hour.

Yeah. Hmm. Australian lighting. lighting over here there's glare at any hour yeah australian lighting oh so how are you 37 but look 15 that's a great question i guess genetics or smoke cigarettes when you're young and then quit in your mid-30s it's really yeah i was i would have been so far off. I'm very good at guessing ages. I'm still 37. That's ridiculous. Within two years, I'm usually about 85 to 88%. You are good at that.

I would have been fucking 15 years off. You should have had money on that one. That's the only way you're getting paid around here. Do you take personal, co-signed, out-of-state, second-party checks? For novelty, sure. Not as payment. I'll receive them. Do you take punk coin? What is punk coin? Fickle nickel? We've been pickle nickel. Sure. Our own dark web currencies.

We'll give you a bunch of them and see which one's your favorite. Okay. I accept Donald Trump gold bars. Oh, yeah. We've talked about that earlier. Those are high value. Yep. You just pay the shipping.

They're free. They do that on fucking... That's how you get... You can't get shit on eBay or Amazon. Okay, give me the lowest price. And then they go, oh, it's one cent and $65 shipping. Police this, you fucking monstrosities.

I'm giving away these military grade backpacks for free. All you have to do is pay the cost of shipping the weird thing is when you brought this up you said is it is it one of those things like youtube where you brought up this whole thing you watch commercials on youtube i skip them but i i listen to them the first time if they're if they're funny and i want to understand them did all right this is just going down the path of fucking boring drunk talk let's uh is there any closing questions you have before until alex gets back so he knows how to shut off

the camera yeah again we don't have anything for you to do specifically other than hang up wall art uh but then if you think you can figure out technology, like 360 cameras, I don't think he's leaving that one behind. I think that's his golden boy. But then there's the little pocket cameras that track you around and podcasting, recording, upskirt stuff. You do upskirt work. You said that on your resume.

Upskirt? Upskirt photography, yeah, yeah. I'm only wearing one. One of my high school teachers went to jail for doing upskirts. Oh, really? Of the girls in my high school. What? Yeah. A couple years after I left, he got busted, but I imagine he was doing it.

But he was still your tutor, so you know what you're doing. Demonstrated. Hey, you know what? Listen. Come here. Down under the stairwell. We're having a tough time in Bisbee getting obscure photography, you know, kicking. But that's because we don't have escalators.

I'm going to put in the first escalator in Bisbee. Ladies ride free. And they're going to be right behind him wearing a dress. Because you get the long hair, you get everything. And just never suspect it. And those rhinestone boots

that shimmy and shine so they don't notice that camera lens. Right up the pooter, honey. Bunch of turquoise. Smile with your asshole, honey. You're on upskirt why are you surprised create a whole new brand and put them inside toilet bowls all right i think we have to i was good yeah why are you not drinking beer on camera it's too early all right i right. I haven't showered yet. It's almost five.

He's going to call his parents in waiting. He'll go, can I have a place to stay? I'm a wayward child. Yeah, I have good feelings about this kid. We'll meet behind your back, right in front of your face, and talk about you. Cool. Like you weren't here. Let me turn around.

The top of the bar called. Epoxy. How do you do with epoxy? All right. Well, we're going to do plenty of follow-up interviews with you. I'll let Chaley train me. If any mistakes happen, he's clearly to blame. He seemed on the podcast that he knew exactly how to do it.

Yeah, he just doesn't have the time. And you have all the time and none of the knowledge or abilities. So between the two of you, we should get not only nothing done, but we should break some shit. So that's enough of that. Bingo, take us out of this. Okay. We'll let you know what happens.

Bingo, take us out of this. Okay. We'll let you know what happens with Lainey Delaney, the life in the slow lane Flanagan. Go ahead, Bingo. Okay. Bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី you