The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DSP #499 - "Kristine's Wad of Gum is Cancer"

Episode Date: August 10, 2022

Doug invites comedian Kristine Levine to the FunHouse for some fun talk about cancer. Kay Snell has organized a fundraiser through Go Fund Me to help with Kristine’s mounting bills as she prepares for her Birthday Stomach Cancer operation. You can help out by visiting to donate https://www.gofundme.com/f/kristine-levine Recorded August 6th, 2022 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Kristine Levine (@KristineLevine), Bingo (@bingobingaman), Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS -Helix Sleep - Find your perfect mattress at HelixSleep.com/stanhope - Helix is offering UP TO $200 off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners. Find your perfect mattress at HelixSleep.com/stanhope. BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - http://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Big shout out today to Helix Sleep. Take their two-minute sleep quiz and they'll match you to a mattress that'll give you the best sleep of your life. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Find your perfect mattress at helixsleep.com slash stanhope. Hey, BetterHelp. BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy, and you can be matched to a therapist in under 48 hours. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash stanhope.

That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash Stanhope. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Hello and welcome to our actual full podcast. This isn't about a day. What day is it? In fact, I'm smoking during this podcast.

To celebrate our guest Christine Levine. This isn't about a day. What day is it? In fact, I'm smoking during this podcast. Woo-hoo! To celebrate our guest, Christine Levine, and her new weight loss program. Oh, my God. If this one doesn't work. I thought I always wanted to go to like fat camp. I never thought that this was going to be my way out. Fighting my way out of my fat suit. I did have a cousin that went to fat camp and I was so jealous of her.

Cause I was like, what am I like? Look, everybody was going, Oh, we got to get her to fat camp. Cause she's so big, but I'm like twice her size. And I was really jealous that the whole family was putting her in like a fat

rehab. And I just, I don't get it. Also another cousin of mine had to go to like rehab for pills and cocaine. And I'm sitting there like, hi, what are you? Hello.

And they, but my family always said, but you seem to manage things so well. Like they were like watching my cousin, like sit on the manage things so well. Like, they were, like, watching my cousin, like, sit on the floor with a gallon of ice cream and just shoving it in her face and then making herself throw up. I mean, she was making a spectacle of herself. That was the problem. Yeah. Well, that goes for, I don't want to just say victimhood, but anyone who's been through shit only gets attention if it bothered them.

Yeah. You can't be a victim of anything or go through any crisis and be fine with it. You know, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. You have to. I took everything I had. Exactly. They have to make a production of it.

Like my cousin, he was on pills and cocaine for a long time, and nobody cared until he started remodeling his house. He started taking up his carpet and all of his, tried to put it in wood floors, but they went in wonky. And then his mom actually was like an investor in the house. And she was like, oh, this is ruining everything. What's wrong with you? And then, oh, it comes out he's on drugs. Obviously, he's on drugs because all of his remodels are just fucking sideways.

Yeah. And then even my aunt, she got on crack. Well, she started doing cocaine. And then one of her friends was like, Jan, you don't have to snort it all the time. You know, like a peasant. Sometimes you can smoke it like one of the cool kids. So this woman taught my aunt how to make, go from cocaine to crack, like how to make it in her house.

I still don't know if there's a difference between crack and freebasing. Freebasing does seem to be a popular word. You're freebasing cocaine. Yeah. It's like you're smoking it in the little, right? Yeah. I don't know. It explodes, I guess. I'm sure that's it. I don like this. You're smoking it in the little. Right. Yeah. I don't know. It explodes.

I guess. I don't. Well, we'll get an email. If we're wrong, there will be a crackhead that would be like, hey, listen, don't throw us in with those fucking freebases. That is not it. No. But I mean, it wasn't until like she started remodeling her house and was walking around naked and just some really odd behavior. So every time I was jealous that somebody would go to rehab or go to fat camp or get some help of any kind, mental health help of any kind, it's because they had a breakdown. I have been able to hold my shit

together this whole time and I don't get no fucking help. Even though I have all of the symptoms, get no fucking help even though i have all of the symptoms i've told i told my family i'm like i was on heroin for six months i mean i think it was six months but i was on heroin the whole fucking time so what do i know i'm not sure but i think so and and my even my son was like but you were you just seemed so happy i mean yeah i was fucking remodeling yes oh i didn't tear up the house is that the problem i didn't ruin anything i didn't quit going to work i didn't like beat any of the children so that's why nobody wanted to fucking help me well anyway i did want to go to fat camp i wanted always to lose weight i i i mean there was a point where like how long ago is't mind being fat. How long ago is this? Because I'm guessing you must have read Jenny Pentland's book.

Yeah, yeah. Roseanne's Daughter. And all the, she was just always, you know, shuffled off to either fat camp or one of those boot camps for troubled teens. Exactly, yeah. But they called them fat camps. They do call them fat camps. Yeah. Well, bingo, we just called it fat jail.

Fat jail. Also is a good word for them, I guess. But fat camp was an actual. It's an actual thing that they did. Yeah, my cousin did go. She went to a fat camp. So this is like 20 years ago. She was like 15 and they did send her off.

But I think i wanted to stop being fat a while ago maybe like four or five years ago i don't have high blood pressure this is another thing like nobody wants to doesn't nobody wants to help me not be fat anymore again because i don't have any like health problems really i don't have high blood pressure. Shocking. I know, but I fucking don't. And my cholesterol is really good. What? Yeah, it's fine. My cholesterol is great.

I just don't have any other than I am heavy and I'm carrying a lot of weight around, which is a problem that I can't move around as good. Yeah, yeah. And my bones hurt. I've got joint problems, that kind of shit. But I mean, is it hurting me? I was going to ask. Is it going to kill me?

No. What made you go to the doctor for this? Okay, so yeah. So this is what I'm saying. I just got to a point where I'm like, God damn it, I want to get out of this fucking fat suit, but my bones hurt so bad now it makes it hard to exercise. I do love food. So it's hard for me to, you know what I mean? Even when I have just vegetables around the house, I find that I'm eating too much and I don't know

why. I don't even like this shit and I just shove it in my mouth. So I'm like, I need help. I got to figure something out. So I talked to a couple of people I knew who had weight loss surgery. And, um, this is over the course of like, I don't know. Yeah. Like three or four years, I have slowly kind of warmed up to this idea. Cause I always thought it was like, I'm, uh, cheating, you know what I mean? Or giving up on myself. Like, I'm not like, I can do it. I can do it. I can do anything. I quit smoking when I want to. I quit drinking when I want to. I quit doing heroin just because I was like, well, this is a cry for help and nobody gives a shit. What do I do now? And my son was right. I was happy. My house was clean. I could move. It great no pain it was fantastic those were good times

but yeah I just thought I have to do something but what so I go ahead I finally get good insurance that was the whole thing so I finally get some good insurance and then like in May I made an appointment with a weight loss guy in Tucson and I had my first appointment with him and he was pretty cool. And then he asked me, he said, well, you seem like you're a pretty good candidate for this. You know,

he goes, but you don't have type two diabetes. That's the other thing. I don't even fucking have pre-diabetes. No, no, I got tested for that. No.

And he's like, you're a great candidate for this because he said that like i know enough about what to expect and stuff but he said but we need to find a reason for your insurance to oh they won't just do it just because you don't want to be just because no again if it's not a spectacle yeah then you're fucked so i so were like, well, let's hope you have sleep apnea. And I go, I snore like a bitch. There you go. Okay.

I'm pretty sure that's going to be our end. So let's do that. It's so fucked up. I know. Right? It's so fucked up. But at the same time, it's kind of fun to manipulate the system. If it works in your favor.

Well, they were like the doctor and i won't say his don't let me say his name i won't say his name but he was really like you're such a good candidate for this we're gonna find a way because you are like you will i will not see you again i'm like doctors back in the day when they're like oh glaucoma e yes exactly gotcha exactly right so he knew i i'm ready to literally i just have dreams where i'm unzipping myself like the coyote you know what i mean sheepdog on the old cartoons and i am somebody else i i don't feel like i'm this person anymore i don't know it's just i hate it i i mean i don't hate it hate it it's nice it works out but sometimes i'm like my body can fuck off it's just too much it's too much so yeah so i'm

talking to this doctor he's like great and then he starts asking me some questions about my stomach or like digestion or whatever and he goes tell me do you have any problems? Like, I don't know. Like, do you have any nausea? Like he's trying to feel for ulcers, seeing if I have any. And I said, you know what? I don't know. I do have some kind of pain in my stomach sometimes. And I just got these fish oil vitamins and I'm having trouble swallowing them.

That's weird. I've never had trouble swallowing them before. I've never had trouble swallowing anything. Hi, girls. I knew that was not going to go unattended. Of course. You know me. Come on.

I can't leave it alone. Oh, God. How the heck? Anyway. So you swallowed cancer. Fuck. Yeah. So he's asking me, like, do you have any problems? And then I tell him

about the trouble swallowing, and I have nausea, like, I've been feeling good. In fact, I had thrown up out of nowhere. I don't know what happened. I ate something, I puked it up. I mean, great, I get to re-eat it, whatever, I'll go fucking find it again. And he was

like, okay, he goes, well, you're going to need an endoscopy anyway for this surgery. So why don't we just get one now and see what's going on? And it turns out I was due for a colonoscopy, too. So I got fucking corncobbed. Wow. Yeah, you did. Bam.

Lighten one with one. And when I came out of the endoscopy, the doctor was like, so we found a mass in your stomach. Okay. Like what? You know, I don't know what that means. What's a mass? And I'm just going to refer you to another. Church service.

Right. Look how the priest in there. Giving wafers. Nativity scene down there. God. I didn't even get it. Well he he kind of blew it off he said it's probably like a fatty mass and i go oh i get it right i'm so fucking fat fat has somehow seeped into into the inside of my stomach i'm harvesting it that's right i'm exporting it like I put in solar and I'm selling it back to the companies. I'm storing it for winter like a squirrel in a nut.

I just have this extra. So I was just like, okay, it's a fatty lipoma or something like that. I think is the word he is. So then I start, you know, then afterwards I leave though. And I'm starting thinking like, what does he really mean though? What is that? I don't know. That's weird, right?

That's weird. Well, I had 10 days. They got me in right away to another endoscopy over at Banner. You know, I got, this is weird though. Cause I had to go from one type of hospital. You know, usually they keep it like in network. And then I had to go to this other one who is like a specialist which i thought was oh that's not good anytime they send you from one specialist to another specialist i'm like oh that's kind of weird so that's one of my first yeah exactly that's one of my first

indication if something is sideways something that may may not be right and then um okay so then at that endoscopy it's an ultrasound endoscopy they're going to take an ultrasound one to the mass tumor in my belly in my stomach to tumor yep it is a tumor and they're going to take a ultrasound to it and they were going to uh do a fine needle biopsy of it okay so the mood in room, as they're about to knock me out, there's like a anesthesiologist, his nurse and two other nurses, and the doctor's not there yet. So there's three nurses and they are all being cute and funny. The mood is very light. I said, hey, my son says this is a wad of gum. You guys going to confirm that for me?

I'm an idiot. I'm embarrassed. I'm an idiot. I know. this is a wad of gum. You guys going to confirm that for me? I'm an idiot. I'm embarrassed. I'm an idiot. I know, I know. I was just nervous. Okay, so. But I was just like, maybe it's a Slim Jim. I don't know.

I was just being, trying to be cute. The love is external. We actually dug into a fold there. Oh. I love this sandwich do you have a lump no no okay good well anyway um then so we're all being like cutesy and then they're like okay christine well we'll see you when you get up and blah blah blah get night and night i go it's nice knowing you guys see you later bye because i can feel it and then i come to and the mood is so fucking different they these nurses were not laughing

they were not cute it was not funny i said hey because like i'm still in the party yeah kind of like when you when you die in the second show show Saturday and all your friends on the waitstaff are not making eye contact anymore. Exactly. Like, what went wrong? Oh, exactly. So I'm reading the room just like that. Like, huh. I said, so it wasn't.

Oh, was it a lot of gum? Was it a lot of gum or no? And a nurse comes up to me and she pets my head like that. It wasn't, oh, was it a wad of gum? Was it a wad of gum or no? And a nurse comes up to me and she pets my head like that. Oh, fuck. She touches my head and she's like, no, sweetie, it wasn't a wad of gum. I'm so sorry. The doctor will explain everything to you later.

And I go, oh, my fucking God. I was so like, get the fuck away. What are you doing? I know it's not a wad of gum, dummy, my fucking God. I was so like, get the fuck away. What are you doing? I know it's not a wad of gum, dummy. I got it. Like, I know it wasn't actually a fucking wad of gum. It's like, I'm not stupid. I get it.

And then another nurse comes by. And she goes, she's at the end of my bed. And she, like, grabs my foot a little bit to get my attention, you know, kind of pinches my toes. And she goes, oh, hey, Christine, I just want you to know, it was really nice to get to know you today. Oh, God. I know. Goodbye.

We're so glad we had this time together. Baby, she says, I just wish you good luck with all of this. Good luck with this. I was like, okay, thank you. But luckily, I'm too kind of looped out to really respond the way I would have liked to. I just was like, oh, okay, thank you. And then kind of dozing back off and whatever. And then the doctor comes by as I'm, you know, like in the recovery part, right?

And he is saying, you know, I don't think it's spread. The mass has, I don't know. I can't say for sure if it's a gist is what he calls it, a gist. He does not say the word cancer at all. He says, I can't say for sure if it's a gist, you know, because we have to get the biopsy back. But, you know, it's pretty big. And, well, we'll call you with the results.

And I said, okay, okay, but do you think maybe? And he goes, you know, he's nod nodding like i can't say for sure but exactly just uh talk to the doctor yeah it was just so like oh let's wait for the biopsy results. Sure, sure, sure. Yep. Sure, sure, sure. That was it. It was just, I go, oh, okay. I'll wait for the biopsy results. So then I got them. First, I got them emailed to me. So I just, I read the report, a pathology report.

And it says diagnosis, you know, consistent with GIST. And then there's all these other weird words like neoplasm and stuff. And nobody ever says the word cancer. It just is like neoplasm. Pathology is present. What? This is a pathology report, though. I don't understand.

I thought pathology was like the procedure of it. But no. Anyway, it's also what they call cancer. Anyway, and neoplasm is also a word for cancer. It's weird. And GIST, so I had to look that up. also what they call cancer anyway and neoplasm is also a word for cancer it's weird and gist so i had to look that up and of course just you look up the word just g-i-s-t it's just initials for the tumor type and the american cancer society pops up it's like you know advanced

gist are you dying of gist and like all this like help oh God. So I clutch my pearls. Like, okay. All right. Cool. I'm probably fine, though. Gastro. Gastrointestinal stromal tumor. It means that I have a tumor.

It is about the size of a golf ball or a lime. It's in that region. A key lime or a nine-hour slime? That's what I was thinking, too. But I guess a golf ball-sized lime. I've got a nine-hour and I want to take to your tumor. Right. Oh, God.

If only I can get it out. Oh, God. And they had pictures of it, too, on the online report. And they tattooed it so that the surgeon would know I get found out later. What to take out. Yeah, as if, right? A teardrop. For the tumor's one life that it's got to take.

Kill this bitch. The tumor's such a badass. But I got all these photos of it, and it is honker. Five by seven, four by six6 wallet size for the family. Yes. It is big. If you guys want, I can make copies. It is a honker.

I mean, your stomach normal without food in it, you know, is the size of your fist, they say. That's a normal person's stomach. And it does expand. And it gets trained to expand for those like super eaters and people like that. But it's not very big so if you put a golf ball in my like that's a lot of your stomach that's what i mean yeah oh i can still eat don't worry i'm still doing it but so it's on the inside of your stomach not on the outside right it's on the inside and so that explains why i've had nausea that explains why I've had trouble swallowing because it's caused acid reflux. And then that acid reflux has made my esophagus swell up. So swallow. Yeah. I don't have cancer in my esophagus. They biopsied that. So that's good. In the report, it said that they

had this guy, the guy, he had taken the ultrasound of my liver and saw that he didn't see any lesions there, so that's good. That's cool. Of course, when I got corncobbed, they noticed that there was no cancer in my colon, so that's great. So we only have to have a PET scan now, I guess. I guess. I just recently was told this, that I should have a PET scan to see if I have it anywhere else. Like if it's in my lymph nodes or my pancreas or anything like that. I mean, that is possible, but the first place these types of tumors migrate to is in the digestive. Yeah. It's your liver. Yeah. It goes to your liver first. And, and yeah, not often to your lymph nodes next, but that does happen sometimes.

So what is going to happen now, I guess, is they are going to cut it out. And the same surgeon who was going to do the gastric sleeve surgery no longer needs to get me in for a sleep study. Like, he just put it in for my insurance, told my insurance, we've changed course. Turns out, and he keeps telling me how weird this is, too, that they found a tumor like this while doing it. I don't think I'm the first person this has ever happened to, but it is a pretty big. They just keep going. It's so big. And if it hasn't like metastasized,

you are probably the luckiest person in the world. Because it is going to, like even the, one of the other doctors, Dr. Oh, he was like, if it hasn't moved by now, like if it hasn't moved by now, you're so lucky. Like this is, that would be the best news. That's great news because of the size of it. I found out later that it probably will come back in like within six years it'll probably come back at some point but at least now we know because it's like a genetic type of cancer i guess regrow inside your stomach well it'll pop up somewhere else it'll pop up in my colon or somewhere else probably small intestine something like a mole yeah basically that's what i'm going to be playing for the rest of my life but i don't give a shit i mean this is kind of great it i if this is how it works out and i really it really has not spread anywhere i'm so fucking lucky that we caught it

that i just decided at the right time like in the nick nick of time. Uh-huh. I can't even, it's so fucking weird. And the frustrating part about all of this, though, has been that nobody has called me. Nobody, like I got one phone call from the endoscopy guy to say, hey, I confirmed it is just. And then by that time I had already like i know i know what you're trying to say in this coded language you know i got you we're not saying rape we're saying sexual assault i gotcha okay rough housing that's right so but the but the problem that i have had is that nobody has offered me any information. Like, they diagnosed me without ever saying the word cancer.

And then nobody, like, said, I didn't even get a pamphlet that said, like, hey, so you have cancer. Here's what to expect. Here's what comes next. Here's how you get an oncologist. Here's how you, you don't need a CAT scan. You need a PET scan. Here I'm trying to, like, think, like, maybe't need a CAT scan. You need a PET scan. Here I'm trying to like think like maybe you need a CAT scan. Like I don't fucking know.

This is my, literally my first rodeo. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. And none of these people were helping me. So I called the surgeon and his nurse practitioner. I had like a telehealth appointment or whatever. I made this appointment with them. They would, nobody was calling me at all ever, which was so weird.

I mean, not even talk to someone with cancer. I didn't even get back. I didn't even get back to you for two weeks. She texted me something about, Hey, I have a stomach cancer. And then ask me something else about like,

yeah, who cleans your house? And I gave him seth's number and i didn't mention the cancer i go listen i'm just starting 30 days in the hole here i can't deal with cancer today no that's okay i understood that because not you're right not even my doctors wanted to talk about it it's just it was just the weirdest thing i just i thought that when you got diagnosed with cancer that i mean maybe it's not going to bump you up to the you know you don't get first

class but at least you know business business comfort plus something i thought at least it would it would trigger or trip like uh a series of events yeah like okay well she's gonna do this next right do this next. Right. And then we're going to call this guy for her. Then we call that guy for her. Oh, that's we're around the 20 minute mark.

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and you can get to try it out for 100 nights risk-free. They'll even pick it up for you if you don't love it, but you will. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash stanhope. All right. I'm getting scared

because I just had that mysterious vomit session on the plane. Well, that's why I asked because I, a friend of ours that had liver cancer,

I'm like, how did you like even know? Like, was it painful? What made you go to the doctor? Right. And she said

she wasn't painful at all really she just she noticed anytime she would eat or drink anything she would just swell up even the smallest amount of food or beverage yeah she would immediately get all bloated and that's what made her go to to find out something to watch for but how do fatties know? You need to be more vain. Yeah, right. You need vanity, honey. All my clothes are just so like, I have sweatpants and stuff. I don't ever know if I'm bloated or not. I have flip-flops and sweatpants.

It makes no difference. Everything fits the same. So they have you scheduled to do what? Oh, so. You know, 10 days or something. Yeah, on my birthday. But let me just go back to finishing the conversation with my surgeon and his nurse practitioner lady.

I opened the phone call or the appointment, whatever, with, first, let's get something out of the way, please. Do I have cancer? Just, do I? And the nurse practitioner goes why why are you yeah why are you saying that what's wrong and i said because no one has called me because i don't

have an i don't like do i have an oncologist so why hasn't anybody called me or told me anything or helped me or given me a pamphlet or get arrested you expect you're going to have a public defender and they're going to figure that out for you like you wouldn't know what to do some one of my friends asked me well who's your patient care coordinator what why would i have a patient care coordinator yeah to coordinate your surgery into like and all of the end of your oncology like all these appointments like are you rich i you rich? I don't know. I don't have any of this stuff. And the nurse practitioner said, I understand your frustration. Yes, you have cancer. We're going to cut it out. But referring you to oncology or getting you a PET scan, not a CAT scan, she told me because I was getting it wrong um she said but that is for with your

primary care physician not that's not she's basically that's not our jobbing yeah she's like that's not what we do we're just gonna cut it out for you okay great well but why wouldn't somebody tell me that so who's talking to my primary care physician or did you guys call him who's calling him and they were like well do you know who your primary care physician or did you guys call him who's calling him and they were like well do you know who your primary care physician is i do i mean when i get insurance like they send me a card and it says someone's name that i don't know that's in tucson and i just go to the fucking oh i go to the doctor chair car over here across the street so yeah i do and i even wrote it down i go so did you call him? And they were like, no,

that's not our job. Well, then who's calling him? So I have to call him. So I get cancer and I have to do all the fucking legwork for everybody. Oh, okay. Why didn't I get a pamphlet at least that told me to do that? Why didn't anybody say, okay, now you have to, because I don't know what I'm doing. So I said, so even I had to make this appointment. I said, so you guys are telling me that if I had not deliberately reached out to you guys and made this appointment and told you what the other guy called me and told me that I had, you would not have known. Because I called them like the day before and they had not even gotten my chart yet. They had no idea what the result of that biopsy was. Was anyone at all apologetic?

No. No, not really. I mean, she said she's sorry I'm frustrated. I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's like bad customer service. Yeah. Yeah. Call center.

Yeah. It's like call center style. I'm very sorry that you're upset. I understand your frustration with this problem, ma'am. I'll do my best to help you with it. But they did give me more information about the type of cancer. They were pretty nice after that. But they did say, so anyway.

And then I went and called the Chiricahua, my regular doctor. Tried to get a hold of him over there. And what I got back was a nurse calling me back. This is great. So she calls me back. This is great. So she calls me back and she says, the nurse over there says, why do you think you have cancer? Oh my God.

It's like, well, I think because someone told me I did. Another one of your types told me. I don't know. You people. It was like some gypsy shaman came by or whatever fortune teller just told me and i thought i'd bet it on it i don't know i was just what are you talking about and she goes well well if you really have cancer why weren't you referred to oncology i was like because that's not their job i guess i don't know she was just like

mocking me this is where if you're adam sandler you get sent to anger management what the fuck this isn't my fault okay so then the back to the surgeon though they shaped up real nice because they could oh they understood my frustration people for the the Tucson people. For the listener, Chiricahua is our local clinic. Yes. Again, the one that when Bingo went in with back problems, they asked if she had a rectal

exam was the first thing before Tarek. Yeah, we've had it's been a comedy of errors there over and over again. Since we first moved in and Father Luke got scabies and the old 90-year-old doctor prescribed him an over-the-counter like RID or whatever it's called for lice.

For lice? Yeah. Oh, no. So we showed up at the Safeway Pharmacy. It's like if they wrote a prescription for aspirin. Right. They just look at the pharmacy and then point to the counter. Go get it.

So, yeah, that was our first. And it's just been a series of blunders at the clinic. Pretty much. That is. Yes. There we go. Well, it's fitting then. So, but these two, but the surgeons, then they were like, hey, we're going to help you.

We're going to get this thing out and we're going to do it as soon as possible because you don't have that kind of time. We've got to get it out now. So they scheduled it. They called me. They said, hey, your insurance approved it like in a day. The insurance was like, nope, she doesn't need a sleep study. She doesn't need a psych evaluation.

She can just go straight to, you know, Win Monopoly, Pasco, collect $200. So I'm getting my gastric sleeve surgery or whatever. They're removing most of my stomach on my birthday. I cannot believe how fucking lucky I am, which is in like how many days? It's 11 days. It is 11 days. Oh, Jesus. It's so time. No time. That's so today. Oh, Jesus. It's so time.

No time. That's so weird. No time and I want to eat everything before I go. And this is what's really funny is that so when I first told Bingo about it, she immediately went into celebration mode. Like, you are going to like, she's like trying to cheer me up in celebration mode. She got me a little birthday stuff and a birthday thingies on your head. You know, the crown.

Yeah. This says happy birthday on it. She took me out to the Shady Dell and we had dinner and everybody's coming up to me going, it's your birthday. Happy birthday. I'm like, yep. Sure it is. You got a free drink.

I did. I got free drinks and everything. My son works there and everybody was still just like, it's your mom's birthday. That's great. Anyway, it was so sweet that you did that. And then it turns out, no, I'm really going to have this fucking surgery on my birthday. Well, you have all the knickknacks for it. Yeah, I'm all ready.

I got the shark, the tablecloth, the little shark plates. I'm so ready. Keychain. Keychain. I got all of tablecloth and little shark plates. I'm so ready. Keychain, I got all of it. Yep. I'm super ready for my shark happy birthday. I am excited, though, because I mean, obviously, I'm worried about it because I don't have any information. Like, usually, when you have gastric sleeve or gastric bypass surgery, you have to go through a program that's six to 10 months long where they educate you. You have one appointment a month where you have to go and they are going to talk to you about nutrition. They're going to talk to you about how to eat, about what

to stop eating, you know, so you can phase out all of the things that you can no longer eat over six to 10 months. I have to do this in now 11 days. I don't know. And I still have not gotten any paperwork. They said, oh, we'll send you your new diet, which is all the stuff that I cannot eat. Like all your stuff leading up to it that you can't eat. Yeah.

Like I'm supposed to have stuff that I'm leading up to it that I can't eat. And then there is stuff like for the first, like, and again, I haven't gotten any information. So I'm kind of making some of this up. I'm going to get some of this wrong, but it is like for the first, maybe three weeks, it's a liquid diet, but I don't know what kind of liquids,

right? I don't know what I'm supposed to eat or vitamins. I have not gotten that specific information yet for your nutrition. Yes. For my nutrition. I don't know. And then after like, it's supposed to be like clear liquids. And then after that, it's supposed to be like protein shakes or something like that for my nutrition. I don't know. And then after, like, it's supposed to be, like, clear liquids.

And then after that, it's supposed to be, like, protein shakes or something like that for a while. So for the first two months, I don't think you eat anything solid. It's just liquid diet. And then after that, then you can eat, like, maybe yogurt or applesauce or something. But even then, it's like a tablespoon. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Now, I remember when Hinty got his lap banded. He's just teaspoons of this and tablespoons of that.

Yeah. And then, oh, I'm going to be full. And the violent, horrible shits afterwards. I remember he took a shit at the condo in Appleton. Everyone's staying there. And Norm Wilkerson went into the bathroom after him and immediately vomited. No!

It destroyed it so badly. It was not even like human smells. Oh, no. I don't want that. Okay, I'm done. I'm going to keep the tumor. I'm going to name it. Fuck. No, I don't even have a choice about this, though, now. You know what I mean? I feel like, well,

on the one hand, yay, it's what I wanted. And then on the other hand, I'm like, did I want this? Wouldn't I just rather be fat now? I don't know. It's so stupid. But I do want to live, obviously. But it's just out of my hands. Like, either maybe I will get these shits, but guess what,

baby? It's not my fault. Yeah, I wonder at what point they could just lie to you and say, just don't even tell you about the tumor. Just go, hey, she wanted the lap band anyway, so we're going to have to cut her stomach out. So just don't say anything. Don't even put the cancer in her head. You're getting the lap band.

Yeah, it's a lap band. You're getting the surgery. You don't know cancer surgery from lap band surgery? What do you know? That's right. Keep me in the dark. Oh, my God. They could have done that.

How nice. What? They are such assholes. You're right. They could have been like, guess what? So every few months we do a lottery where we just get to decide. We get to pick one special patient, one special girl who doesn't have to go through all the bullshit. And you won, babe.

How about this? Your job, which is, you always you can always come over and fill an evening at happy hour with complaints about your job, but you just had something go in your favor. You got a bump in pay. Yes, I did.

So, have you brought this up on the air? Yeah. Just on Friday. Just started talking about it, mentioned it. Do they know that you are a morning radio host in Tucson where they fucking work and make a living? Oh my god.

Are you not putting the pressure on? This is what we had to do with Bingo. Every time she's been in one of these fucking half-assed nut houses, we have to do with Bingo. Every time she's been in one of these fucking half-assed nuthouses, we have to put pressure on them externally. So Johnny Depp put the pressure on her. Yeah, that one time.

That's sweet. He sent flowers, really? I sent flowers from Johnny Depp. Oh, that's nice. Well, they wouldn't believe her that she knew Johnny Depp. They give you a special room if you start talking about celebrities. Exactly. You start talking about celebrities and God, and they put you in a special place.

Right. Captain Disney Rebellion. That's Johnny Doke. Yeah. That was the Bugs Bunny. God. So, yeah. That's a good idea. Yeah, make sure you're full of praise when it's due but yes just so they know the fucking hammer can drop that's true it's not nothing and for you know

the doctors aren't young either like i don't have like any 25 year old 28 year old doogie hauser type doctors young guys they're all kind of old and i noticed like with older people they still think radio is huge you know they're old people in tucson they definitely listen to the radio oh yeah and a podcast is the least threatening thing in the world that's right yeah to them exactly oh you're on a podcast that's so cute you've had you have to know doc mark we should call him and see if he knows your doctors. Oh, yeah. Because they move him around.

He's at different hospitals a lot, and I need to catch up with him. Oh, that's a good idea. Please do that. They're going to do the surgery, I guess, at St. Mary's, too. So I don't know what St. Mary's is. I think that might be the last place he said he was working. I wonder if that's a good place. I would be surprised if he wasn't working

at whatever hospital you wind up in because he's a guardian angel of the fun house. Yep. Nice. Yeah, do ask him, please. We will call him as soon as we're done with this. You're right. I should do that I should just kind of drop like

hey let's put my occupation in my chart let's do that now yeah what's your twitter put a sticker on there at Christine Levine what yeah or Instagram yeah where because you know since I've been quitting smoking of course and everything else

my fans know how to cure everything. So I want them to be able to get to you. Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. To tell everyone, please tell Christine Levine how to cure stomach cancer.

Bitters get bitters and soda. Vitamin C. Large doses of vitamin C oh I love that one Christine with a K Christine at Christine Levine thank you yes

I need that they'll give you every homeopathic mother's home recipes this is what happened with me when i had gout which is basically like cancer but it's amusing and people care it's like i don't know what happened a little in the last 25 years or something, but everybody started becoming a witch. Got into some kind of weird herbal medicine witchcraft.

They read a book or something at a thrift store and they just went nuts. Yeah, I get all that kind of stuff anyway. Like on weight loss, people trying to help me. If you take echinacea, you'll naturally lose weight or some shit. It's just nuts. Your mom's castor oil. Castor oil was mother's cure-all panacea, you'll naturally lose weight or some shit. It's just nuts. Castor oil was mother's cure-all panacea. Yeah. I know. I got told

to take castor oil and that would help me go into labor. It's pooping. And having a baby feels similar, but it's not really the same. A lot of you just poop out the tumor. Wouldn't that be great.

They should just cut it and leave it in there and let me digest it. Like, eat it like a second twin. Or twin, yeah. All right, we're going to break one more time and we'll be back with more hilarious cancer. One moment. And now a word from our sponsor, BetterHelp. How's your mental health, listener? You find yourself ever feeling bitter, angry, frustrated, depressed, violent even?

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so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy, and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash Stanhope. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Stanhope. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Yes. Okay, so, yeah. Yes. Okay. So, so, uh, yeah, there, uh,

bingo and, uh, Christine are now vying for who gets the tumor. I remember when I had, uh, my first dog Otis, I had him neutered and I said to the vet after I settled up, I just stood there and they go, is there something else? I go, well, you know, when, when I would lose a tooth, they dentist would usually give me that tooth so i could put it under my pillow so why can't i get the dog's balls they're like we can't do that legally well that's legally i think that's bullshit legally i had a friend of mine who got her abortion they sucked it out of her and they put it in a plastic baggie

and sent her home with it and she brought it back like. We gave her a little post-abortion party. A pap. Yeah, they give them to people because people bury them sometimes. Yeah, yeah. She took it to Hawaii with her. Was there a baby seat? I guess you could carry that on. You mentioned to me the TSA advisor.

You know, they said that was medical waste. Yeah. What? You should be able to. Legally, we're not allowed to do it is the way to shut you up. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't think that's real.

I was just, I was just. That documentary about the guy that lost his foot and found it at a yard sale. Do you remember this? I did hear about that. I don't know what found it at a yard sale. Do you remember this? I did hear about that. I don't know what the circumstances were. It was a great documentary. And then there was a legal battle because it was this, like, I don't know. It's not worth looking up. But, yeah,

it's out there. He lost his foot. He didn't look down and go, hey, where's my foot? He, like, it was in an accident and they couldn't find it. Yeah, and then it was, like, mummified and it was found. And then they found it at a flea market. He's like, wait, that's my leg or something. It was in an accident and they couldn't find it. Yeah. And then it was like mummified and it was found. And then they found it at a flea market. And he's like, wait, that's my leg or something. It was something weird like that.

It was a really interesting documentary. It was back around the Winnebago man days. Remember that documentary? Oh, yeah. It's a Winnebago crazy salesman. Yes, I do. I know that. It was that era of where documentaries were starting to become cool.

Anyway. Well, I do want my tumor because it comes with my entire stomach. Like, they're taking it all out. I will have almost no stomach left. So, I cannot wait. I mean, I do want it. And I'm thinking, like, maybe we could turn it into a Peaky Blinder hat. My son's girlfriend is a hat lady, and she does embroidery.

And I was like, maybe you could do a couple slices of bacon on the side or something. It would be a nice clutch purse. A little clutch purse? It does sort of fold over like that. Yeah, it looks like kind of a coin purse when they're out. That's another body part. Yeah. That's my moneymaker, baby.

And we'll be able to sell that one. Can't even give it away. Give me a break. Oh, it's disembodied. It's a lot easier to work around. You know, a fleshlight. You have no idea the size of the woman

it came out of. I do want it it though. I would like to have it and I would be happy to give it to you, darling. I do. Absolutely. Yes.

I would love to have it and give it to you. I, and it's really kind of, um, in the photos, it's not, it is perfectly round. Like it has,

I mean, it's got good symmetry. Wow. It's weird. So that's why I didn't think when I first saw the picture, I was like, this can't be cancer. Because you think cancer is supposed to be black and ugly. That's what they tell you about the moles, to look for the mole that isn't symmetrical. Yeah, they're supposed to be gross looking. But this is like a perfectly, it does just look like a bubble.

You finally had a good looking child. Yes. I can't believe it. My dad was asking me. Josh's head isn't symmetrical. My dad was asking me, he's like, does it have teeth? Because he thought maybe

it was another one of my kids. Implying that I had swallowed semen and made a baby in my stomach. That's my dad. He's cute. Ectopic. Ectopic, but only in my tummy.

Well, that's where babies are, in your belly. Well, if you're my dad, yes. That's right. That's right, making a wad of cum and not a wad of gum. But my dad's funny. He's funny. Yep. Yeah, how's support been other than me blowing you off?

Oh, really good, though. I put the wife on some things. Yeah, she was great. She stepped up and did everything perfect. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And yeah, it's been fine. I think what I'm hearing back from people is that they are concerned that I don't understand what this, like, they're more upset about it than I am. Yeah.

They're like. I knew that about you. Yes. That's why I wasn't that concerned. No, I'm fine. You have that thing where you thrive under these circumstances. Somehow, yes. And you laugh harder and you write more.

I told you I was going to take Nataro the shit out of this. Absolutely. I love that. I was on a bit of a tear last night. And again, if you are going to fuck up your 30 days in the hole, go all out because you'll wake up the next day going, oh, I loved the first three weeks of this when I didn't feel like this and have shit to do.

Right. So, yeah, I was tweeting a lot last night. And then at some point, because now I'm overthinking you, and you said, I want to Tig Notaro the fuck out of this. And I'm like, I got to fucking talk to Tig Notaro. I don't know if I have a phone number for it. And I tweeted that. And then immediately, I think I only slept three hours last night.

I'm like, take that down. She's on. She has a Twitter account, but doesn't run it. Yeah, I was going to ask stupid, drunken questions. I go, we got this. But it was crushing to me that Tig Notaro did steal the fucking thunder on this. Yes. Where you can't just go out and do the, but I have cancer, which you would have done if

Tig Notaro had never done that. And it would have been so good. Because look at all the bullshit. There's so much bullshit. I listened to her set, her cancer set. And I'm like, you didn't have half the bullshit, babe. I mean, oh, you had C. diff and your mother died? I've got these fake teardrops on my fingers so I can fake tear.

Anyway, my whole life's been a shit show. She had a good time in Mississippi. Had a shitty, shitty four months. She got it all at once. I've had it from day one. And I got cancer. And now I can't do a great set about it. Fuck.

Oh, yeah. We listened to that last night. It took me forever to find it. But it was a fucking brilliant special. And I'm glad you listened to it. I made her write down. It would be great to have you watch do one of those uh the viewing things oh reaction reaction video of you listening to that

i was overthinking everything no that would have been great you would have seen me do this like that's a good joke oh damn it yeah then i'm, all right, we're about to go on tour. The Chalys are leaving early. And I'm like, should we set up a show and try to film it? But that means moving that bed. Are you worth it? Yeah, that's a good question. We have to move the whole bed away from the stage and get people over here.

Just put me in the bed. Yeah, I'll be in the bed. You should be queen of show and lay down. over here. Just put me in the bed. I'll be in the bed. Well, let's just wait a good, like, I'm thinking 18 months, probably. And then put me in the bed. Because I think

if it's somewhere else, you know what I mean? Oh, God. I have had those thoughts, like, what am I going to do if it is somewhere else? Because they don't give you chemo for this. They don't do that. They have some sort of like other kind of drug that they do. Like it's a genetic type. You know, like when everybody's freaking out about the vaccine going, they did it so fast. I don't know what's in this. You know, nobody wanted this because that genetic technology.

Well, guess what? Turns out, dummies, that they have been working on mRNA technology for the past 20 years to get rid of cancer, to cure cancer. And that's why we already had the technology to make those stupid vaccines so fast. And that's why you idiots don't know about it because you never had fucking cancer fucking she gets cancer for a fucking week and now she's an expert I just read a pathology report and figured

out that pathology has two different meanings you're all stupid idiots that's right I did my research I did my research on the internet and now I know everything. Because no doctors would fucking talk to me. I know that I'm insufferable.

That tumor killed all those kids at Sandy Hook. I did my own research. That's right. I did my own. I saw one video. He was wearing a white smock, and he had a stethoscope. That's right. I see one one video and i'm in oh my god it's great exactly yes i know i know a lot now yeah i know a lot i know a lot more than i did before i guess oh god what a mess is there any any crossover with Andy Cancer? Well, I mean.

I keep telling me that's yours now. Oh. That's very nice. Who is this? Oh, this looks like a box cover. I think I've seen this. It's a stripper that they went to see. It's a callback to a way older podcast.

A video podcast. Yeah. We're not even on video. Oh, it looks like it's a porno box cover that I saw once. Could be. I may have seen this gentleman before. Earlier when you were talking about how you just weren't paying attention to part of it, that's kind of Andy's playbook, too.

Yeah. It's like, all right, I'm in this. I don't need to try and become an expert on every little thing. Just tell me where to go and what to do. And someone fucking call me. You need management. Yeah. That's the thing.

I could have just not done anything because that's kind of how I roll. Because I just sort of let stuff happen and ignore it. And I would have been dead, but I luckily I take Adderall between us, between us. We have over a hundred years of experience in ignoring problems and let them go away. That's really what it is.

Money doesn't make problems go away. Just turning your back. Yeah, that's it. Right. Right. Both cheeks. Right.

Right. Before Andy actually went in to, to find out what was going on, it just became insufferable. He was at a gig, and it was just a really shitty tavern gig, and Hoot Looney was there. And he was like, oh, man, this hurts. I'm just going to pour liquor into it.

He did like eight shots. And it's like that was making it way worse. And after that that night is when he decided i gotta go to the doctor and it was just something got it got he ignored it as long as he could yeah and put it off as long as he could and then when he finally found out what the diagnosis was he really didn't even couldn't even tell us what was going on we had to go through his daughter yeah We talked to Brett's daughter who then told Brett and then Brett told us. And then Andy, like you could see him in the video tuning out while we're talking about his diagnosis. He's not even interested in what we're saying about what he's got. Oh, my God.

Yeah, because I talked to Erickson today and he said, oh, well, if she has to have the Whipple procedure and he's already. Oh, now he knows all of it. Yeah, he knows Andy. He's Andy's doctor too. No, well, that's because I got diagnosed with ADHD, which explains everything about why I don't follow through with stuff, why I can't finish things, why my house is slopped, everything. Do you have to get diagnosed with ADHD anymore? Don't you just know? I think I did get to a point where I did just know

because there's a lot of information. TikTok was very helpful, believe it or not. I know that sounds stupid. But I mean, I saw a lot of people on TikTok going, you ever just walk by a fork like 40 times a day and you don't even know why you can't seem to pick it up? And I'm like, wow, I had a floor fork for a long time. Yeah, I sure did.

Why did I just leave that alone for a long time? So I went to a psychiatrist. I didn't. Yeah, that would not register as something odd. Yeah. I walked past this fucking problem or cat vomit or something. Yes. I just, one day that would be rectified.

Yeah, it's going to dry up and blow away eventually. That would drive me nuts. See? Watching you walk by it that many times. I have Bingo who's way worse than me. So if there's someone worse than you, it puts your smaller thing in perspective. Look at her walk by that fork as you're walking by it. That's her fork.

Jesus. I know I dropped it, but she saw it first. But that's why I did. I mean, I got, I'm getting treated for ADHD finally. So I'm on Adderall and I have therapy for it.

So I am able to follow through with more stuff and able to finish things. Like it doesn't take me five days to do my dishes anymore. It takes me two. Good job, me. Progress, progress. Just baby steps, but. Oh, good.

There's a second half of a blow job, you owe me. That's true. Oh, honey. In 150 pounds, this time next year, you're going to be wanting it. I'm going to force you or make you do it, coerce you into it. I don't have to meet you. I'm sure there's so much chemical in my semen that it would be chemotherapy. I was going to say give you another cancer.

Right. Oh, my God. You have a guy, one half a blowjob, one time, and then that's it. That's it. That's you the rest of your life. Yep. Always give the second half first. I was going to say, you have nothing to look forward to because you only have the second half.

The worst half. That's right. The worst half. That's right. The worst half. I say I got out in the nick of time. I knew where this was headed. Like, I've been here before. He's not going to tap me on the head. I got to go.

I'm not going to get a warning tap from this dude. I'll be so surprised as you. Sorry, that just went off. Forget that happens. It's not a cloud of dust. What? So how's your notebook piling up? Because we have no place to perform comedy here.

Oh, yeah. Are you like, is your head going, oh, oh fuck i want to do this bit right now i want to do this bit tonight yes absolutely so i actually uh a friend of mine just happened to buy me new notebooks because she saw my pathetic little bastards and so they are getting filled up yeah i do have a lot of new bits and stuff that i want to work out, but there's nowhere to go. I don't know what to do. And then I don't like any of the comics in Tucson and it sucks.

So they just, I feel like I'm in a nowhere. That's a, that's throwing a wide net. Well, comics I could name that you would go. Yeah. Yeah.

That's true. You're focusing. I know what you're doing. You're focusing on miserable ones. Yes. Yes. I. Yeah, that's true. You're focusing. I know what you're doing. You're focusing on miserable ones. Yes. Yes, I am. You're right. You're right.

You're right. Everyone's a fucking ally. What do you mean? I'm saying. Don't say I hate all Tucson comedians. Oh, yeah, yeah. And fucking make everyone think we're comics. Well, I feel like the ones that I don't hate, they know I don't hate.

They would hear me say that and they'd be like,anel she's not me that's not me i i would go the other way my best friend is andy mean me when he says he hates all these comics no i feel like the ones that the ones that i don't like they i have made it so clear to them that i hate their fucking guts i've been on the bit on the message board or whatever it is called now the the facebook groups for the tucson comics i'm like listen up you fuck nuts hey losers like anytime i post something it's always just the worst. Just so demeaning. And I call them names.

And like, which one of you open micers said this? This is about me, you fucks. Because somebody told one of the local news people that they chased me out of town. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Well, Christine isn't welcome here. We just chased her out of town and whatever, Jesus. Yeah, well, Christine isn't welcome here. We just chased her out of town and whatever. She lives in Bisbee now.

And the local news guy, of course, is friends with, of course, Frank and me. That's your morning show in Tucson. Yeah. It's the Frank show. Frank show, yeah. So, of course, our phones were the first to ring. Like, what is this? You got chased out of town, Christine?

Oh, my God, I'm sorry. And so then I immediately responded with, youers you dumb shit losers i hate your guts like you knew i hated you first don't start spreading lies you can't fire me i quit that's right that's right i left because you suck oh well i mean i didn't hate him at first though it wasn't like that it was I really wanted to like them. It just happened over time when I got to know, I'm going to say, 85% of them. As I got to know them, then I realized, oh, you suck. You just, they don't put on, they put on shows only for each other.

I was going to say, is this some garbage like clicky thing? Yeah, it's real weird. They don't like new people. When I started in Vegas, there was no place to go. Yeah, it's real weird. They don't like new people. When I started in Vegas, there was no place to go. Yeah. A club in Vegas is a major improv at the

Riviera or Catch a Rising Star, so you don't go from open mic. An open mic is at a bar and the fucking strip is never going to touch a local open mic. Tucson has a lot of that vibe. There's no, I mean, they have one comedy club that's opened, you know, two or three nights a week or whatever.

It's so, anyone could fucking come to Tucson and take over that town, comedy-wise, because it's never had a scene. That's right. So when all you have, the open mics that I grew up in, because I didn't know better in Las Vegas, I had no idea it's the worst place ever to start or that you can have any control over your own destiny. I just kept going to these hideous bar shows where, again,

we just played for each other. That's it. And annoyed people that are trying to play poker machines. I did try to tell them when I got here. I was like, you guys know that you can move, you can do other stuff, right? Like you guys know.

And they got so annoyed with me because I would ask for money. They would say, Hey, will you do this show? And I was found that I was doing the shows with the same, like 10 people over and over and over again. And there was never any money involved. And I,

I said, listen, I, I know that I'm not like a professional touring comedian or whatever, like this is not my normal thing. But also, I also can tell you that I have missed a lot of my children's Christmases. Recitals. Yeah, just, well, not my fat kids were not eating recitals.

I don't know what kind of recitals that would be. But no, that is true. Like all of their parent-teacher conferences, Sabrina had her period. I was gone. Like all that stuff, milestones with them. I was always on the road or doing something else. And I said, so I have kind of put, I feel like I paid my dues and I do want money. Yeah.

I will not leave the house for less than $50, even if it's just down the street. So you have to, like, don't, I want money yeah i i will not leave the house less for less than 50 even if it's just down the street so you have to like don't don't i want money i want money for that i worked hard for this yeah please just don't disrespect me just pay me and then it got to where they were saying i know all you care about is money but could you just do this one thing for charity one of the comics said that to me, and I was just like, wow. You know that scene in Billy Jack where Billy Jack is going to beat the shit out of Bernard?

And he walks in because they just dumped a bunch of flour on all the Native American kids. And he walks in and Billy Jack goes, Bernard, he's like touching his face, he goes, I try. I really, touching his face. He goes, I try. I really, really try. But when I see all of this bullshit, I go, Bernard!

And he starts killing everybody. That is what they made me feel like. I'm like, I really try to be nice to you guys, but you suck so bad. So, yeah. I have some weird altruistic ideals where they're never going to get paid for. I don't know what they're. And how dare you. They burn rooms.

This is the thing, too. They'll find a great room. And, like, even like Bumstead's, which I think is, like, a great room in Tucson. And then they don't ask for money. They don't promote it. You know, they just want a place to perform for each other. And then they don't ask for money. They don't promote it. They just want a place to perform for each other. And then they burn it. Then I've approached a lot of places there.

Yeah, go ahead. For listeners, if you have a stable of comics or your click within a stable, even Tucson. I mean, now any city has a thousand open mic rooms. Sure, yeah. But yeah, if you, okay, I got a new room. And it's hard not to bring all your friends. Yeah. Well, if you do that and people are just seeing the same comics,

basically doing the same act every week. Yep. Well, why am I going to come back? Yeah. And they don't. But it's hard at that stage that stage of comedy, to say, yeah, we're not going to use you this week because we want to keep it fresh because, oh, well, fuck you.

Yes. No one knows. This is building a show. They don't know that this is not personal about you. We have to make it different every week. Exactly. Exactly. And there's no fucking, there's no guy in Tucson.

No. There's like major cities have like veterans chicago has veterans yes it would take the little guys underneath their wing or whatever and try to yeah foster the scene veterans there's nobody doing that here i could have done that but i don't have the patience. I got worn out very quickly. I tried, but it was just, yeah, I got burned. I got burned out. I couldn't do it. Yeah, no, I love the show you did where everyone chimes in afterwards. It was a union. Critical comedy at the Mint is where we did it.

And it was great. I really fucking tried with these people. Yeah. So, yeah, I am comedy starved at this point. I am hungry. I'm thirsty, honey. Put me out there. So I don't know.

I have this big show on the 17th if you're free. You shit. Oh, sorry. Is that when your surgery is? You're the worst. I was only going to pay about 25 grand. I'll skip it. I'll skip it. I'll skip it.

Because I could do a lot of fun. I may not live long if I skip this surgery, but I will have a good time if I have that money. I'm here for a short time. You know what I mean? A foot time. Good time. Not a long time.

All right. I guess you have to start a new blog or... Something. I got to do something something i don't know what yeah you go i and i know exactly when you said i want to take natar this like okay bad news is good for comedy how do we monetize exactly how do we get the most bang for our tumor that's it yep i want to put it in a glass jar on stage with me and do like a little, uh, uh, what the ventriloquist act,

you know, you know, have it tell the jokes, the punchlines and I pickled punk. Yep. I'll be the straight man. I got all these ideas, babe.

I got all the ideas. You just need the Adderall to put them all together. That's it. Thank babe. I got all the ideas. Yeah, you just need the Adderall to put them all together. That's it. Thank you. I do. It's a pleasure

having you and we'll keep updated with you. Oh, thanks, babe. I always love having you on the podcast. Oh, you're sweet. I love being here

and I'm so happy to see you. Thank you, honey. Thanks for all of this and thanks for finally paying attention to me. I know I'm needy, but Jesus. I think we're going to wrap it up. Are we clear?

Good, you think? How many minutes did we do? An hour and 15. We put our time in. An hour and 15. Can I clock out? An hour and 15. We put our timer. An hour and 15. Can I clock out? An hour and 10. That's pretty good.

11. Perfect. Take us out of here, Bingo. Okay. Bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប�នបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានប� Legenda Adriana Zanotto