The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DSP Ep. 491: "Does Doug Pay Better Than Improv?"

Episode Date: May 19, 2022

Doug sits down with Art Director KD Arts (Creager) to discuss moving pictures, discovering a shower cam and improv. Check out the Man Show clip "Ill Suiters" here - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBK4I6hm5l8  Recorded May 9th, 2022 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), KD Arts, Bingo (@bingobingaman), Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. Policygenius.com - Head to policygenius.com to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. Helix Sleep - Find your perfect mattress at HelixSleep.com/stanhope - Helix is offering UP TO $200 off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners. Find your perfect mattress at HelixSleep.com/stanhope. The World Record Podcast - The World Record Podcast is the third and final award winning podcast created and hosted by Brendon Walsh setting the World Record for the funniest podcast in existence. - https://allthingscomedy.com/podcast/world-record-podcast Stay in the loop with the ISSUES WITH ANDY podcast featuring Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille. New episode every Friday - https://www.patreon.com/issueswithandy Need more Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

BetterHelp. I love BetterHelp. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Customized Online Therapy. Listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash Stanhope. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash Stanhope. Hey Policy Genius! Life Insurance gives you peace of mind and you can trust Policy Genius. They don't add on extra fees or sell your info to third parties. Head to PolicyGenius.com and get your free life insurance quotes. See how much you could save at PolicyGenius.com. Helix Sleep.

Big shout out today to Helix Sleep. Take their two-minute sleep quiz and they'll match you to a mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Find your perfect mattress at helixsleep.com slash Stanhope. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. With Katie Krieger, our in-house set designer. Hi.

Hi. Katie Arts. Katie Arts. It's me. Katie Krieger, who was on last week when I just talked about myself. And now we'll talk about you. Me. about myself and now we'll talk about you because katie was our uh the complete art department and wardrobe person on the road dog movie.com yes that we have no idea when it's coming out i've not talked to anyone really from the movie like there was like two, three weeks of postpartum depression after that.

Because it was a fucking minefield of, you know, just trying to solve problems and put out fires and act. Yeah. And what? Act. Oh, and act. For her. Yeah. Well, after we finished.

Actually, you were a bartender in two different scenes. I was. At two different bars. I don't we finished. Actually, you were a bartender in two different scenes. I was. At two different bars. I don't know how. I know. Whoever's going to be editing that thing. That's the same bartender from the other. Yeah.

She's a bartender in Fort Bend and Columbus. What the fuck? Yeah. I'm glad I brought extra hats. You did. Because I was in three scenes. Yeah. With yellow hair under a different hat each time.

You and Tracy. You guys saved me, too, on being there. But it was after we wrapped, the next few days, it was a lot of waking up. Like, where do I have to be? What did I forget? What is not in my car? I don't know. All the things that I was panicked about having or not having yeah it was it was a it was

fast and long it was uh for me really nice to have something to do every day and then actually enjoy a day off or actually we usually i think most weekends we had off like all right if we're this behind schedule why don't we work in fucking six seven days union yeah and it was uh i mean i didn't have weekends but yeah you did most of your work at home and then came back and did even more work for fucking 16 hours yeah yeah. Yeah, I did. It's amazing you don't have a meth problem. Until Tracy and Shaylee came and helped me.

Or a bald spot. Which was, yeah, you guys were lifesavers. You were talking about that last night. I go, hey, the fucking Shaylees will help you out. Oh my gosh. And then I felt, after I the fucking chalice will help you out. Oh, my gosh. And then I felt, after I got to know you guys and knew what you guys could do

and what you fabricate on a pretty regular basis, I felt so silly asking you to do these menial things. Like, can you help me put up these curtains and make this water look like whiskey? And you were so helpful. It was very helpful. When I met Hedberg, he was an opening act and I was a middle act and I remember giving him advice about comedy and then years later feeling ridiculous that I would ever have the hubris. Yeah, I did feel ridiculous after I learned.

Because at the Brouwer, when we were filming there, was when we started talking about haunted houses and stuff. And geeking out over that. And that's when I learned. And that's when you showed me your brother's stuff and everything you guys do. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm such a. Ghost Ride Productions, always be branding. Yes.

They're hiring. Yeah, what are you doing next? I hate you so much. How long have you been doing this set design and shit for movies? Because you also do improv and... I guess, well, that's what kind of got me into it. So I started doing improv. That was like, I was in a quarter-life crisis. I'm like, I don't want to

do this anymore. What do I want to do? I've always wanted to try this. So I did improv and got into acting. And then on set for a short film, I saw the director's wife actually setting up a bunch of, for every scene, as time goes by, you know, it would look different. Or for every take, refilling a water or just paying attention to all these different things. But I'd never edited before, so I had no concept. And then she was explaining everything to me. And I'm like, oh, my God, I need to do this. This is what I need to do all the time. I'm obsessed over these kinds of details and make the storytelling just that much more pungent with all the visuals.

So I was engrossed in it since then. But the first, gosh, it was usually smaller shorts or music videos that I started with. And then every time, whatever I auditioned for as an actor, I would always be like, and if it doesn't work out, you know, with this role, like I would love to. I have a sewing machine and a reliable car. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I'm like, I can do these things.

You know, I'd love to help out on set. I was very pushy. So, and it worked out, you know. Because you said this was the hardest production you've ever been part of. Yes, it was. I was wondering, I was just trying to put that to scale of how many you've worked on. Yeah, I haven't worked on that many, but enough that this was, I've never been this mentally or physically taxed. It was more so not the work itself, just the time.

There was no time. It was such a short. I had very little planning. There was some speed bumps in the beginning of the film related to other things like budget and crew. And so when I was brought on, I had, oh, my God, I think less than a week to prepare for anything. And we still didn't have any locations really locked in yet. So I couldn't prepare for anything except for your

wardrobe, which I got at the thrift store the night before. So that's how it went. But I did learn a lot, always do. I wouldn't call it meditate. But for me, I would occasionally, when I was getting panicked, I'd breathe and go, all I have to do is say these words. And I've memorized the words. None of this is my problem. Because when Chaley's away, I'm the control freak. I have to be the dad in the family now. That's interesting. Because you give me shit for being a control freak I have to be the dad in the family now

that's interesting because you give me shit for being a control freak and now you're telling me that when I'm gone that's what you do when I know you're in charge of shit I relax yeah I take care of shit when you're gone

Chaley would be very proud of me I think quite often but so yeah when it's on the set and like everything's fucked i've like my natural instinct is i can figure this out i can make this better when we didn't have a stage i was gonna bring the stage up that's right i went into chaley mode where you mentioned him too for like one time Chaley and I finished the story yeah Fort Lauderdale I think every listener must know this story

we've told it often enough but they there was no stage and it was a standing show you can cough into the mic it's kind of a catchphrase that's your brand

yeah it was so yeah I ran we're filming what's supposed to be a comedy club and we're not in the bar we think we're gonna be filming in where they had pictures of oh no we're in the upstairs bar surprise no stage and everyone's fucking freaking out and i go no i know this from chaley i just fucking go down and find some and i went downstairs to the kitchen and i

found some stacking crates and i found a slab of wood or something the fold-out tables oh yeah the folding banquet table all right we'll put these on these and then tony's down there the producer is grabbing more crates and then someone else solved it and then we had to move all that shit back down but it's all this crap yeah the director's sister actually she helped out a ton on the whole thing she should be the fucking executive producer and everything on that we shot at her house that one day

right? yeah for a couple locations yeah Vicky she's a god son yeah we were at his dad's house she set all this up the kid's house using the kid's car. And honestly, I got to give you credit also for helping me with continuity because I'm trying to juggle so many things,

not just with trying to stay ahead of camera with getting the set dressed and then never really telling me when they're moving on. I just have to keep asking. I know that they're doing the best they can too. They're just trying to stay ahead and make the schedule work, trying to get all these shots in one day. The kid Des, he was over the top

with continuity. Once he found out what continuity meant. I think I was scratching my head when I said, listen, they're going to shoot this from multiple angles. You don't have to worry about where your hand was touching your ear, perhaps. Right.

And even if it was, it's like, it's not going to be on you the entire time. You know, with the cutting back and forth, like you can get away with a lot more. But it was, what helped me out so much was you knowing with like your glasses, like the ones you wear and also the ones filled with liquid. And then with your cigarettes, you would break them like ahead of time, like you knew. And it was so helpful because I was trying to juggle so many things by myself. But most, I got to say, a lot of talent doesn't know to. doesn't know to there's some that are experienced with it and know it and still don't give a shit

about it being like something they could help with because they're so involved with you know whether it's a very when the movie comes out and you go that guy can't act at all you're going to be going but he was really good with continuity yes he was really good with continuity

he kept a stiff upper lip when things were down things went aw. It did help me a lot. He kept a stiff upper lip when things were down. Things went awry. Yeah, it helped me a lot. There's a scene we were talking about last night that we filmed in a diner where I'm talking to this kid who I just find out I have, or not really, but whatever. Right.

And we're filming in a diner, and order club sandwiches and they go oh we don't have club sandwiches so chaley ran out to fucking pot bellies yep and bought club sandwiches rather than saved us just change the fucking sandwich we order in the script it has nothing to do with anything we're in a working diner yeah just exactly you could have had grilled cheese it doesn't affect the movie at all and no one ever thought to just say we'll just make it grilled cheese they weren't closed though so i don't know if they were making food well we thought of it but that was like because we were there they knew to like they had to close down their their fans they had to turn off the fridges, all these different things. Oh, Jesus. This is what happened.

No one ordered the club sandwiches before the restaurant closed because they closed at 3 o'clock. So no one had – someone just forgot to order two sandwiches and then put them in the fridge and then wait because by the time everything got set and it was like getting – all right, everyone get into their places, everything. It was like there's no one to cook and make a sandwich yeah there's so many noises that the kitchen makes that people think about until but the back of the room do you remember the the dishwashers oh my god are carrying on and carrying on and like can someone go tell them to stop or bribe them there wasn't a

lot of bribe money on the first production does anyone here speak spanish that was that's where we went to that was yes the third time someone asked him does someone here speak spanish because i don't seem to understand and then also oddly it wasn't so much the dishes that was the noise it was them talking yeah after shift man bitching about the day yeah probably about us yeah anyway everybody uh you and the shaley's uh were very very helpful um which is awesome because you never know like as much as you hear about a person or don't hear about a person before you work with them you've still you've never met them you have no idea how the fuck they're gonna be well it's like people who say hey my friend's really funny you should let him open for you on the road that never works

out yeah it took me a long time before i found figured out the fucking chalice are irreplaceable i'm still waiting to figure that out about Hannigan. Yeah. Bless them. And I still didn't get to see the, I was out of town working on something else when they did the first screening of it, actually. Yeah.

You said they had like a, like a, like a first draft. Yeah. What do you call they had like a like a like a first draft yeah what do you call it like a marketing like getting screen test or or not getting people's responses like uh oh yeah yeah focus group focus group yeah and um i mean it was all people that were either involved in filming because it was at their house or like locations that we'd filmed at in Park Ridge, Illinois. But it was mainly Park Ridge people.

I think it was actually screened in Park Ridge too that people went to go see it and I couldn't go see it. I was kind of afraid to go see it, honestly. Well, yeah, you see, you had some animosity. That's kind. But I mean, do you want to watch a first draft?

I mean, you're not the focus group, so there's really no point. I don't want to watch the best version. Yeah, the only reason I would have liked to is because... Continuity? Not only that, but just there was a few times where I would see some editing of the dailies being done and there'd be a shot that I don't remember ever being shot. I'm like, I don't remember.

Why is that there? Seeing these things that I had never set, like they move on and don't tell me. And if, you know, I didn't get to touch the set at all to prepare for the camera and because I'm trying to do a million things. So I'm working on other set pieces or dressing the next location or even in the same house of dressing the next room and the camera would uh move on and i wasn't warned or something like that definitely that and then and then they would shoot the scene and i would know about it and then but i didn't know that that was happening as much as it actually was so i would see it being uh edited just daily just even just making conversation or

asking questions for continuity like hey was this in the last shot whatever and then i see something in there that shouldn't definitely be in there and i'm like why is that what is it when did you guys shoot this why is that in there who nobody told me about this and that's what i'm afraid of uh seeing i didn't see a masturbation scene in the script you weren't there it was so wet well after the break in a few minutes we'll get to the so wet part i have that in my notes i pre-screen guests sometimes when i'm drinking the night before because i'm gonna go this sounds familiar i wrote it down but i don't know what it means that's how i pre-screen guests last night when you were yeah so yeah but i do have we'll save that for the break but uh after

the break uh everyone on that set pretty much, again, you didn't have the opportunity to go, okay, I can breathe. All I have to do is fucking everything like I could with, I memorize the words. It's none of my business. I don't care how foul a mood the director's in or how dismissive someone is. Because I do. I pick up on that. I don't like to eat food in a busy restaurant because I'm just, or how dismissive someone is. Because I do. I pick up on that.

I don't like to eat food in a busy restaurant because I'm just focused on how much the waiter is annoyed with his life. I want to wait until it's empty. Like when we went to Mornings the other morning, it's fucking empty by 1 p.m. Because when you go in there, it's busy. I feel like I'm hurting your business I mean hurting your day it's actually the opposite of hurting their business

that's what I'm saying I've corrected myself yeah and then when I go in and it's empty and the service sucks then I can blame them I love to complain, but there was so many fucking good souls on

that entire crew and cast. But you... I tried my best. Were left holding the fucking bag so many times. Yeah, usually always the first one there or last one to leave.

I can say it was worth it, though. You were absolutely the heart and soul of that production. It's fucking nice. I'm sure we talked about this behind your back on a podcast while it was happening. But we'll stop complaining and take a break. And then we'll come back after these messages. We'll be right back. Please hold. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy.

Life can be overwhelming and many people are burned out without even knowing it. Sometimes you're just too scared to leave your house. therapy. Life can be overwhelming and many people are burned out without even knowing it. Sometimes you're just too scared to leave your house. Sometimes you're too scared to leave your bed and you just realize you've spent weeks laying there in a stained blanket watching a celebrity divorce trial screaming, she's lying over and over again. Maybe that's a sign that you should do something about your own better mental health care. We associate burnout with work, but that's not the only cause. Any of our roles in life can lead us to feel burned out, and BetterHelp Online Therapy wants to remind you to prioritize yourself. Talking with someone can help you figure out what's causing the stress in your life. BetterHelp is customized online

therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist, so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to it's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours this podcast is proudly sponsored by better help and stanhope listeners get 10 off their first month at betterhelp.com slash stanhope that's b-e-t-t-e-r-h-e-l-p.com slash Stanhope. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash Stanhope. I just want to start by saying I think I made up for... I'm sure we talked about on the podcast how I order heavy boxes from Amazon, timing them with when I'm going to be out of town.

So you have to hump them in from the giant mailbox out there. Well, this morning I went out and there were six boxes, the entire fucking giant mailbox. The overflow box. Yeah, the overflow box. That's as big as a locker you would have at the gym. It was full and it was all Tracy Wernit, except for the one at the gym. It was full and it was all Tracy Wernit, except for the one at the bottom

which was mine. Yeah. But I didn't know that because all your shit stacked on top of it. They go, okay, I'm just... And I had to do literally five trips of Tracy Wernit boxes.

Six to get to my box to make up for all the times you had to bring in my club soda. Usually they put them right inside the gate. They wouldn't try to cram them into the big box. Again, they were playing Tetris. Yeah. Because they had them in an awkward. Like they had to put it in sideways and then turn it around because it wouldn't come out one way.

So, yeah, I made five trips of fucking. But you know what? I'm glad I did because it was merch. And that reminds me to plug merch. What were those boxes? What are we selling? Those are shot glasses. Those are the big stink shot glasses.

Those are the, it's your face. It's a Stanhope. All I know is it said fragile. So I go, I could probably carry two at a time, but I might drop it because I'm all fucking booze shaky in the morning. Is that why it said fragile? The carrier. No, I wasn't fragile. God damn it.

I drank three green teas this morning. And I was like, my fucking hand just complete Parkinson's, leaving Las Vegas, trying to sign the check at the bank. He's fragile, see? Yeah. Isn't that the same cup of coffee, the same caffeine as a cup of green tea? I have no idea. It doesn't have a warning label. That's why I'm going to talk to my congressman.

So, yeah, we're even. And buy merch. And I finally have my favorite merch coming soon that I have to. I will plug so incessantly. You won't feel guilty about only plugging his merch. Over a decade I've been like, can't you just make these t-shirts? Because I think they're fun and funny.

And now they, yeah we will, but they never did. So I knew they had no faith in it. So now I'm going to have to plug those t-shirts so hard just to fucking win. They had no faith in it. Who did it? After fucking

12 years? I've only been on it for like a year and a half. No, bullshit. Other people have been on it for longer than that. This is the only time Tracy's really worked on it. A year and a half was fucking during COVID. You have no sense of time anymore. Alright, well look up the email when you sent me the first part. I will.

And I will win. It's going to be more than a year and a half. Oh, it's going to be way more than that. But yeah, you can't count,

like, we're on the road. I don't work on shit like that. Well, this started with Chaley and before that. Yeah,

I'm not an artist. I don't do graphic art. I have the art is from 2004. And you didn't give it to me. You said, this isn't, this isn't, we need it done differently. This is the idea. Well, no, that was the artwork.

I just wanted it to be, I don't know how to explain it. You wanted it changed. I wanted it changed. You don't know how to explain it. I know. That's the problem. It's hard to work on that idea. Just so that the background is the same color as the t-shirt so it didn't look like

something fucking stupid yeah exactly an iron-on from remember the a cricket iron well you wouldn't remember you're fucking 12 uh but when you'd go to the uh the carnival or whatever when you buy stupid t-shirts but it was like an iron on decal. It's a heat transfer. Yeah, and then you'd wash it once and it would all crumble. Or crack. Robbing is not going to happen this time. Did you get direct to garment?

I got, well I don't don't worry about it. Alright. Sounds like a yes. I got a Greg Fitzsimmons recommendation for Emerge Place oh yeah

yeah so I trust them he spoke very highly nice I found today it would slow up the flow

of the podcast to play for Chaley but I randomly because we're talking about fake commercials and hidden camera gags and stuff.

I found a clip from the man show. It was a really funny premise. It's a, the, there was a fake commercial ill suitors dating site. It's for men with fear of commitment that they would match them up with women that are terminally ill. So it starts with me saying, I have a fear of commitment.

And then the female actress on a different camera, once I would get diagnosed as terminal and I'm watching this going, I recognize this lady that's playing that part. And then it goes through the whole fake commercial. And at the end, I'm running down the beach and she's in her wheelchair on the beach and I tackle her

and we hug. And I'm like, who the fuck is that? And then when I look down, it was Flo from the Progressive commercials. Oh, really? Yeah.

Wow. So yeah. Wasn't she a comic? Like, she did some stand-up? Second City kind of shit. Yeah, improv, which you do, Katie Arts. Well, COVID put a hiccup in it. But, yeah, before COVID, I did.

Are they not doing improv? Oh, they are now. Or are you just using that as an excuse the same way I did? Yeah. It was a pretty decent one for a while. For everything. I actually had a show scheduled with my improv group, which is just my other friend and partner in my group, Jim Schenkel. He's a great actor.

Very funny guy. But we had a show scheduled, and it just got canceled from COVID after the shutdown happened. And yeah, we haven't done it since. And he's been hitting me up because he's a champ, like how we should do this. We should do this jam session or this or that. And I'm like, I'm working on the road dog or whatever it is. So, and it's, I love both, but I'd still say like what I do now is more fulfilling than. Probably more money too. Depends. It really depends.

Do I pay better than improv? Yes. And. Yes. And. When did you realize that improv is awful one of the one of the last shows i had i think i told you about it when my family was there oh my god uh hang on yeah you know how a comedian the cliche a comedian will have a joke die and they'll say

some of these are just for me your art form is just for you well yeah it was one of the worst shows i ever had but that was a well at some point if you do improv you realize the only people that are going to come to see this and pretend to enjoy it are your family. So what happened? Or other people that do improv. Right. Yeah. And that's most of what it was because I also didn't experience much else because I never told people about shows because I didn't want them there.

That's good. I'll play to your family but not mine but exactly like as soon as I see people I know that's it's like all I can think of I'm just so I'm like fuck I can see them it's and I'm and then I become more worried about what topics I choose or where I go to with uh whatever um prompt we get kind of thing especially when your own mother is like the volunteer that shoots her fucking hand up first. Don't say lazy eye. Don't say lazy eye. Don't say horse eye.

Hey, give me an occupation. Who said gynecologist? Nobody. Oh, now I found the level of the room. So, so you have you have an extensive family. I do.

Very much. Lots of, so many. Too many. Maybe not too many, but a lot. Yeah, we've seen a lot of videos that you cackle at like a fucking mad person. Everybody in the videos is also cackling like mad people. Including a little niece. When she showed me one nephew i don't know when my brother used to call me when he had a a baby and he would like be holding it in his arms

with the phone in the other hand and it would start screaming i would just hang up on him i wouldn't even say like this is unacceptable like a telemarketer call yes and i wanted to hang up on that video you showed me of your dad putting his hand in a box to touch a potato because there's kids shrieking in the background fuck kids wait no i feel like i'm don't actually fuck kids sorry yeah not not the verb this is not the verb um yeah but i you get used to it to a certain point and then i hear earlier videos of them like the same kids and i'm like what it just it makes your your skin crawl sometimes i love them by the way. Just so everybody knows. I bet they're not listeners. I do love them. Certainly not Patreon.

Certainly not Patreon, no. Yeah, kids screaming are hard. So you invite your family for what reason? You think this is going to be a stellar night? Oh, it's... Because you've already practiced your improv to a T. Oh, yeah. All of the made-up things the night before are hopefully going to be similar to the made-up things the next day,

which never fucking happens. But it was more guilt-tripped to tell them when my next show was because I never tell them when my shows are intentionally. So they came, and it was one of the worst shows ever. It was my parents and my brother and his girlfriend. Who else is there? Those are the ones I remember primarily. That you could see from the stage?

They were in the front fucking row. Of course they were. Oh, fuck. As soon as the lights come up, they're the first fucking faces I see. It's like Thanksgiving. Yes. And then as soon as we ask for a volunteer or a prompt, and we wanted to start the show with a prompt for an Uber ride.

Please. Yes. Walk us through this. What is the gag? What is it that you start the show with is it give us an occupation well sometimes it's literally somebody just gives in

whatever ask me I'm the audience so you walk out and we all clap fake clap and look at our watch now is it you doing this or is this the other guy I mean it jumps around. Was this a group that night? What we do plan is typically a game

or how we're going to sit. For example, the show that my put the listener into that night. Yeah, so in that night, we knew we were going to start the show with an Uber ride and we knew like, alright, somebody is going to end up the driver,

whoever gets in that seat. And the passenger is going to be the volunteer, which was my fucking mother. Bless her heart. Oh, my God. As soon as anything that even sounds close to volunteer, she just fucking shoots her hand up faster than anybody. She's so excited.

And she loves. She's helping. She's helping. That's right. But she's, I mean, she's a very competitive. She is a very funny person. Both of my parents are very funny. But she shot her hand up.

And, you know, I don't know if my, uh, other improv, um, teammates were aware that that was my mother. We look a lot fucking alike. So she shoots her hand up. They pick her. As soon as she's coming up, I think is when they realize she's my mom. And I'm just like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Why she handed you a lunch?

That would be the best case scenario. That would be the best case scenario. Oh, my God. The sack lunch? The sack, yes. And it's got a cute little note on it. You didn't eat your apple. Yeah.

And so she gets in. She's the passenger. And she knows, you know, and I'm the driver, so she's trying to give, you know, she's clever. So it's just the two of you on stage? No, we had other people. It's how you arrived at the show. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Fucking A. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Your mother's your Uber passenger. That's right. And so, oh, God. And because she's clever. So every time, you know, the other improvisers on the stage with me are guiding conversation, whatever, you know,

they're ripping off each other. And my mom is still trying to lead everything back to me as the driver or anything related to like something that would be fun to tease me about. That's personal kind of thing. She's doing the no, but instead of yes. Yeah. And then,

um, God, the thing I avoid the most in any improv show, just because of who I am personally, is political comedy. Political comedy. Yes. And that's where it went every time a new scene started, any time we changed games, anytime we changed games, whatever we were doing, anytime we went back to another set of characters,

another scenario, it still ended up being so political. And I am just not, I'm not. Wait, your mother was up there for more than one sketch? Oh, no, no, no. She was up there for the one. After the Uber ride, we ended, and then we continue

the show kind of riffing on a lot of either topics even words we've said in that it's a lot of like whatever you say you kind of have to log it in your brain you remember it to riff off of later in the show or um touch on or even if you were a character in the Uber ride, you can pull that character back in another scene. And yeah, that's how it ends up getting tied together to make it more of a cohesive show. Now, was this a terrible show for you? Was this a terrible show for you or for the audience? That's fair.

I'd say more for the audience, depending on who you ask. Like it hurt me because my family was there. But for everyone else, I'm sure they felt like they wasted their money. Was there, like, palpable silence? Oh, yes. I could taste it in my mouth. Your improv friends, comrades, were they, like, after the show, going, wow, that fucking sucked?

Or is this just in your head? Cause your family, they all agreed it was, it sucked. Yes. Yeah. We all agreed that it sucked. And you know, at least there's that because if somebody, which is a good thing, if somebody was like, Oh no, I thought it went really well. What, what compared to what?

Yes, exactly. Like, I don't know if we should have her come back, man. Or whoever the fuck it is. So how did your family treat you afterwards? Because that is always, when you know a show is fucking devastatingly bad, and then your friends that will probably never see you again have to come up and go, well, what did you think? Or whatever. Like, how did they treat you? There was some funny stuff.

Yeah. No, that's, I mean, and honestly, that kind of hurts more than what my brother Jack said. Yeah. Yeah, Jack was, I can rely on Jack for being blunt, never candy-coating anything, but he word for word told me not to quit my date job. And it's funny.

Yeah. Can I get Jack's number? Because that commercial you have about the perch, I don't get it at all. I'm trying to be magnanimous. He doesn't know about that one. He doesn't know about that one. I'll have him tell you. He's the one that showed me the beans video one. But he's the one that showed me the beans video. Yes, he's the one that showed me the beans video.

Yes, we've been binging a lot of fake ad, hidden camera shit. Places that we want to take this podcast into the new next six months. Yeah, Jack was reliable in that being brutally honest so you can rely on him for that. I knew it, but it almost hurts worse when you can see the guilt.

They feel bad for you, so they feel guilty telling you the lie that it was, oh, this was funny. That part was funny. Like the part when you said your name was cicely or whatever the fuck i said i don't uh it's a common thing in stand-up when you watching someone that you like as a person perform or that you have to follow uh i'm gonna have to say something as he's coming off stage and i'm coming on. And you go, okay,

find one bit that you can compliment. Yeah. That fucking reference to such and such was great. Fucking. That's a good excuse to, as a reference to, it doesn't even have to be about the joke itself. I'm so glad you referenced this.

Yeah. Just one nice thing to say, because that's a stretch. I'm just like, I can't even say the joke itself. I can imagine. That would sting. Fuck. Are you reliving it right now?

Have they ever come back to see you kill? No, because that was one of the last shows I fucking had. Oh, Jesus. You're only good as your last show is the expression and then covet happens yeah you're carrying that around wait i can't redeem myself for another two years oh you know and that's okay i'm i'm okay with it oh yeah please hold policy genius why get life insurance if someone relies on you financially a child a parent or even a business partner life insurance gives you the peace of mind that they have a financial cushion if something happens to you why get covered now typically life insurance gets more

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Well, uh, we're gonna do some improv right now. Let's do it. You lead us off. Ask Tarek as your audience. Tarek and Bingo. Okay. Let's see.

Oh, wait. And then you tell Chaley and I what the gimmick is. Well, then that wouldn't really be improv. But no, I'm saying, all right, we'll figure it out. There is no such thing as improv. We already know. We've lifted the curtain. We've lifted the curtain.

Walk into a bar. Oh, that one. Yeah, that was the other one. The Oracle and that one. The Oracle, that's the one. Yeah, blanks walk into a bar. Bartender says, I can't serve you. Go ahead.

Give us an inanimate object. Wait, no, you're going to lead this. Go with what you were going to do. All right. Tarek, give us a song name. Not one of your own. Superstition? Superstition.

Stevie Wonder. Okay. Wow. I'm glad your parents aren't here because this is a lot of dead air on stage. Oh my God. All right, superstitious. Superstition.

There is superstition. It's a very old song. Can you give her something from the last three years? My dick in the wind. It's not what's hard because this isn't visual either. I mean, all right. I think it is superstitious. This feels way more like Mad Libs.

My pussy and my crack. That one. I'm sorry. That's something they covered. Superstition. Are you talking about? Stevie Wonder. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stevie Wonder. He's that guy. Did you bicker like this on stage? No, no, no. He's that guy with his mouth shut, right? Or sewn shut, isn't it? Stevie Wonder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stevie Wonder. He's that guy. Did you bicker like this on stage? No, no, no. He's that guy with his mouth shut, right? Or sewn shut, isn't it? Stevie Wonder is blind. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I thought even his mouth was sewn shut. Why would his mouth be sewn shut? He's so bad at yes and. Oh, my God. Yes and, you big dick. This is why it's hard. I thought you were winking at me because you were hitting on me. I didn't know you meant play along.

Well, if I said that, it wouldn't be much. You're like a mom. Oh, yeah. It is. Yeah. Superstition, that's the one where the guy's mouth is sewn shut, right? Yeah. Yes.

He is the one with the mouth that's sewn shut. But what was it that sewed his mouth shut? Wasn't it those thin worms? Shaylee, you gave me those for my birthday one year. Yeah, yeah, night crawlers. Yes, yeah, those were so good. The sour ones. Not the ones from the store.

Where did you get those again? Well, I made them. The weed shop. I made those. You made those at the weed shop? My uncle invented sour gummies. Wow. Yeah.

Why are you even here? Well, I mean, he invented them, but he got ripped off. Oh, shit. Stevie Wonder's uncle did it. That's why we sewed his mouth shut with gummies. I don't remember any Stevie Wonder videos. Oh, well, I mean. You don't see them. Wonder videos. Oh, well, I mean... You'll see them.

There you go, Jamie. Yeah. That's too bad. This is too bad. Are we still playing the game? I feel like when I talk, you can still hear how dry my mouth is right now. Your brother was blunt when he said, don't quit your day job.

But your parents were thinking we should have had an abortion. But they have class. No, I mean, I was number two out of five. I don't know that it was me that they were thinking. Yeah, your improv is number two. Zing! Yep, there it is. Should we

quit the improv or should we just keep going? Yeah, let's not keep doing that. One more time. You want to talk? Yeah, we'll do the oracle. It feels like Matthew. We'll do the oracle. I can't remember how that goes. I just know we're doing it Everybody says a word Bingo

Ask The oracle knows all Tells all We're gonna repeat your question All you have to do The oracle The three of us together Know all

Anything in the world You wanna know Oh yeah Alright Good Who's first? Katie should be first Katie should be first Alright Katie should be first.

All right. So we're going to go clockwise. Any question about anything about the fucking world, your life, your fucking personal, your day. Wait, so Bingo's answering the question? Any question. Okay. All right, Bingo's answering the question. Where is your external occipital protuberance?

Where is your? External occipital protuberance? Where is your... External occipital protuberance? Yeah. My... External... Obstreperous... Protuberance... Is... In...

Somewhere... Outside... Of... My... Pocket... Book... That... I...

Lost... Because... I... Was... Falling... pocket book that I lost because I was falling up a chasm without

my pants or bra that I couldn't unfasten

because I had gloves. Wait, say that again. Gloves. What did you say? Because I had gloves. See why improv sucks? Like, even if we had

I had since Wait, no... Because I had... Since... Wait, no. Because I had gloves since... My... Hymen... Burst... All... Over...

Your... Face. And this still stinks for the listener. We're having fun. That's why I'm saying improv is just for me. And this still stinks for the listener. We're having fun. That's why I'm saying improv is just for me. Some of this art form is just for me. What is occipital something protuberance?

Ponytail? Oh, the little bump on the back of your... It's part of your... It's right above your spinal column. Yeah, yeah. It's where it connects. You use an Allen wrench to loosen it. Yeah, yeah. It's where it connects. You use an Allen wrench to loosen it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I have a huge one.

Yeah. Know what they say. About external obstreperous protuberances. Obstreperous. You need a troop. Okay. Me too. Okay. All right.

This is our third and final, the only one I remember. Did we say this on the podcast or? What? Me and Becker would do. Right. That's what I was going to say. You guys definitely did. We used to do this, and I don't remember if we said this on the podcast. We would do improv when he was not even even a paid act he would come to triple

gigs with me and i was just the opener and then after the headliner we would go up on fucking montana runs and we would go up after we'd talk the headliner into fucking doing dumb improv things just so chicks would remember that we were on the show too i thought he was the opener and that you were like a middle act well that's how it worked out because i wouldn't ask triple if it was okay that i brought becker to do five minutes and then i'd do my 25 and then the headliner would do his 45 and we would do a couple of dumb improv things at the end because we actually wanted to be on stage and you practice all the way up to whitefish uh idaho montana montana whatever you were there yeah uh my dad actually did improv with me the same way your mom did oh yeah in on a on a triple gig

no no he actually came up and he was part of the Oracle for just one of the things. You can tell me about this before. Yeah, we've been drinking. Yeah. So what is this game? So this is a thousand blanks walk into a bar. Bartender says, I can't serve you. Object says, why not?

And we come up with the pun. So, Tarek. That sounds hard. I'm so bad at this one. Or the man who can't be named. Again. Voldemort. A thousand what walk into a bar?

Pigs. A thousand pigs aren't quite inanimate, but a thousand pigs walk into a bar. Bartender says, I can't serve you. The pigs say, why not? I have swine flu. You have swine flu. There you go. One more.

Inanimate. The liquid death. Liquid death. Plug. I can't get that in there. Never mind. The liquid death. Plug.

Oh, we do need more liquid death, by the way. And we need more fucking liquid IV. Two great tastes that go great together. Why don't we fucking pair them up as well that's not what we do well I'm thinking here give me something other than

liquid deck picture frame a thousand picture frames walk into a bar bartender says I can't serve you picture frames say why not you've been hanging around here all day i was gonna go with your squares but they're not actually squares but i guess i know i get framed i get framed this is c we could do this all night if we wanted to prove

how terrible i already threw up in my mouth twice. Let's keep going here. Well, I asked you the other night, if you can do improv, why wouldn't you just write out shit that's funny and do stand-up rather than... I don't know. Because I'm such a visual person

that I always... My brain thinks that way first, like even before words. I feel like things can be just as funny without having to say anything., my brain thinks that way first, like even before words. I feel like things can be just as funny without having to say anything. So my brain thinks of visual first, which is why even on the road dog, I was trying to do whatever I could

with whatever time I had to make the visual things work with the dialogue in the film wherever I had time to even think about it. Now I've been talking about improv. Improv is no more visual than stand-up. So if you can think quick on your feet, why wouldn't you just write shit down that will work over and over again

that's guaranteed to be good and keep doing it? Then hope for the best. But I guess people are... I already... I guess I kind of told you about those things that I had in my phone earlier. Oh, shit.

We never got to the fucking shower cam. Oh, God. What? That's what I said after the break. This is going to get wet. I made some reference. Oh, that's how you got wet. Because that's in my notes.

Yeah. Oh, my God. We were talking to you before you came out about getting, i should talk to sal volcano about this but about getting eyeglass cam so we can do when we go fucking you know do the hidden cam stuff yeah when the when we're not just audio on this podcast yeah and you said oh hang on let me look something up yeah so there's a as soon as you mentioned it, I thought of this place that I pass all the time. It's called the You Spy Store in Chicago.

And I went on their catalog. I'm on my laptop while we're on speakerphone looking through everything that they have. And then I saw my Bluetooth speaker. And then it was, oh my goodness. Wait, you saw the Bluetooth speaker you own for sale on the website of the YouSpy store. I'm like, that's my speaker. I own that.

That's in my house right now. That's my speaker. That's my Bluetooth speaker. It was in your shower. No, it wasn't in my shower that time, but it was used in the bathroom, in the bedroom. Because, all right, well, the other part of the story is that it was given to me by an ex-boyfriend. Who just so happened to also give me a special pen that I knew to be a camera. Was he your boyfriend when he gave it to you?

Yes. All right. But now an ex. Legally Chicago. That's blurry. That's but uh so i'm learning i'm like oh my god this person gave me this fucking speaker i know it's been in the bedroom because it's a speaker we use it all the time it was in the bedroom most of the time it was in the living room in the bathroom all the time he would listen to it in the bathroom and then um and then i'm

scrolling down and i and then i see my pen my my pen that he gave me that i know is a camera because he gave it to me knowing it's a fucking camera because i was worried about my bosses at the time trying to pull some shit on me and then i learned i couldn't use it anyway because it's a you know two-party uh consent state thanks raider for letting me know that and then i uh so as soon as i saw the speaker i'm like oh my god what the fuck and then i just i have just a little further to go scrolling down and then i see my pen and i'm just hot in the face i'm fucking sweating i'm like you guys i think i gotta go i gotta go Having a fucking meltdown.

I had a pen and pad that I just found the note where I had a Katie Arts list for shit. You're out here to help us do a million things. And we were shit-faced at the time. And, like, diagonally across the list, like, who's watching you shower or something to remind me about the story, which I did forget immediately. And then Raider had to explain, oh, that was about that. Yes. Well, because, so I didn't know about the whole, because I thought it was a legal period to like record somebody without their knowledge. But then,

you know, because Raider was on speakerphone with us that night, uh, we talked later when, uh, days later, we brought up the camera thing again. And Raider was telling me about single or,

um, two party, two party consent States. And it did make me feel better to know that if anybody else doesn't know that it is a double consent state in Illinois. Well, that's what... Arizona's only one. Yeah, so look out.

Yeah, you can film anything here. Yeah. Or record. I don't know if that means film. Yeah. Is it film? Film or audio. That's what Linda Tripp, if you remember the 90s,

she actually, I think she did Jail Time for it, or maybe House Arrest, I don't know. But she was the one that recorded Monica Lewinsky talking about the fucking cum dress. And she released that. And then, well, now she's facing charges for illegally recording a telephone call now but she was facing charges she's dead oh i have no reason to live then god and uh yeah that that was a doozy but um i i did like to know that it was a dual consent state it made me feel a little

bit a little better in case if there was something i did find i could sue him for whatever but uh i never i don't think i could bring myself to look for like my specific characteristics on a porn site i guess yeah well if it's just just taking a shit. Right. Even that would be horrifying. No, that'd be way worse than a sex tape. Depends. When you wipe your ass, when you wipe your ass, do you

look at the toilet paper? Of course I do. Okay. Who doesn't look at the toilet paper? Wait, do you, alright, do you fold or do you bunch? Well, I'm an alcoholic, so I rarely have dry shits. So you can tell how many wipes before it's not just mud, and you're just looking for tracer streaks. Yeah.

I don't look at the first wipe. I know that's all garbage But you didn't answer the question Do you fold the toilet paper Or do you just crumple it You know what I'd have to go take a shit And come back to you Because no I don't crumple it

I don't take a wad But I don't fold it like origami A handful of leaves or something We live in a society She's on a limited budget I'm a fucking animal I guess Yeah you fold it up And then you fold over it

Fold it? That's weird I don't square it up. No. But if you fold it, there's so much less paper between your fingers and your shit. You know? I don't know if you buy like... It's more of a technique, I think, than a hard and fast rule.

It depends on the toilet paper, too. If you buy, you know, the real nice shit. It's nice and velvety. It's thick. Dirt. You gotta do all that. Charmin shit over here. I charmin shit over here i mean just get a bidet that's that fixes it 95 percent of it yeah yeah but that makes it more wet wet and sops up like i've never used a bidet we've talked about this but if you if i think i'd break i don't know i don't know if i know how. But if you... I think I'd break. I don't know. I don't know if I'd know how to use it. If you're muddy anyway, and then you spray water on it,

then it's like clean up an aisle six, and it's even more paper. Someone spilled a pint of water on aisle six. I'll get it. Someone shat themselves on aisle seven. I'm going on break. I'm on aisle six. I'm on aisle six. I'm going on break. I'm on aisle six. I'm on aisle six. I'm busy.

Terracotta. Terracotta? Terracotta clay. Oh, that's right. You're like, all you eat is meat. You probably just are just cranking out these never-ending logs of no wipers you're gluten-free so all you just you just have fucking t-bone shits

yeah they don't come out real easy you eat the bone you know Yeah, they don't come out real easy. You eat the bone, you know. I'm glad we could close on poop. Always sorry. Always sorry. Unless it's terracotta, you know. Isn't terracotta like a, yeah, but isn't it kind of maroonish? It's a reddish orange.

Yeah. Like a terracotta pot is what you would, that color. Like a clay pot. I said something about the consistency before it's cooked. Oh, I thought you meant the color. You should go to a doctor for that. Yeah, I was more thinking about the clay before it's cooked. Oh, those are the worst

all right let's we could do another hour of poop but yeah those poops are the worst then it's like there's a crayola like right at the and your asshole and you keep wiping and it's just always one streak left that's called a hemorrhoid. No, not the color. I'm talking about that. The crayon density poop where. Yeah. Or like a paint marker.

Yeah. It's just that you can't, it's an endless wipe. Yeah. Or like those Sharpie ones where like some of it gets like dried out first. You still have most of the tips. So it's just more of a smear. Yeah. No contour in those tips, I'm sure.

That's why I love diarrhea. And I think we can close on that. I think so. High fives all around for diarrhea. Katie Arts, a.k.a. Katie Krieger. Yeah. And bingo. Do you want to take us out live? Okay.

Yeah, do it. Walk around. I can do it right here. Okay. One, two, 17. Okay. Bye-bye now. 17 okay សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you.