The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DSP Ep#486: FunHouse Microdosing with Carmen Morales

Episode Date: April 7, 2022

Comedian Carmen Morales takes a break from her Florida to Los Angeles commute with a stop at the FunHouse.  And, she brought mushrooms. Recorded Apr. 4th, 2022 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Carmen Morales (@TheFunnyCarmen), Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. Watch Stanhope’s latest special for FREE at AllThingsComedy YouTube Channel - Doug Stanhope: The Dying Of A Last Breed - Full Special http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVcxfRBO4-M LINKS - HelixSleep.com - Helix is offering UP TO $200 off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at HelixSleep.com/stanhope. The World Record Podcast - The World Record Podcast is the third and final award winning podcast created and hosted by Brendon Walsh setting the World Record for the funniest podcast in existence. - https://allthingscomedy.com/podcast/world-record-podcast Stay in the loop with the ISSUES WITH ANDY podcast featuring Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille. New episode every Friday - https://www.patreon.com/issueswithandy Need more Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - EgglesterSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Big shout out to Helix Sleep. Take the two-minute sleep quiz and they'll match you to a mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Find your perfect mattress at helixsleep.com slash Stanhope. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. The only problem is I uploaded just that, not the intro music and everything. That's all right.

So, yeah, I'll be able to fix it. No one needs intro music. It'll sound right here. You do. Most of the people I know fast forward through it, through the intro music. Yeah, some of them are way too long Not when it's Chad Shank Everyone's waiting for the missing tea

Just that That's what it is That's good stuff right there What do you call that Chaley? A-M-S-R? A-S-M-R Tinkling Ice Cameron Morales is here Carmen But that's close enough That's really AMSR. ASMR. ASMR. Tinkling Ice.

Cameron Morales is here. Carmen. Carmen. But that's close enough. What did I say? Cameron. Whatever. Yeah, well. I got Morales, right?

I'm impressed. Thank you. Shut up or we'll shave you again. I shaved before I came, so you couldn't. I took that away from you. I forgot about that. I shaved before I came, so you couldn't. I took that away from you. He's like, I forgot about that. It's like acting like you like it when you're being raped.

You're a rapist. Oh. You ever think he's raping for a reason? Yeah, usually. Yeah, usually. usually yeah usually uh hey uh we're at the one of seven or eight perfect days in business it's like 78 degrees no wind light breeze and uh before the bugs come out and we're uh i think everyone's on drugs except uh raider Raider. He had a leak. Boo.

He has to start a new job tomorrow. He couldn't be around people who are on drugs. What a fucking pussy. We're not even, like, dude doing drugs. We're doing drugs responsibly. I don't know. Microdosing. Yeah.

That's what they call it. Like adults do drugs. That's how that, yeah. Where you still have to take care of kids tomorrow. That's what microdosing. Yeah. Like adults do drugs. That's how that, yeah. Where you still have to take care of kids tomorrow. That's what micro dosing is for. Cameron Morellas. Cameron. That's me.

Cameron. Fuck Cameron Diaz. That's me. Carmen, uh, is, uh, driving through on a,

the, the quick, uh, stop from Florida to LA. Just a brief little, uh, just had to go up the street. Well, you emailed me saying, hey, I'm in. I was in Texas. Yeah.

I blew through it. Oh, fuck. It was in the morning I got that. I'll respond as fast as I can. At best, if I remember. If you remember, yeah. I'm like, yeah, Carmen, yeahmen yeah fuck it it's a beautiful weekend we're gonna be up and out like outside yeah out and about but just outside the door on the patio

the sun can see you yeah and it's been nice the whole drive has been nice i have had no no complaints i saw a cool accident i drove by where you get to see like a semi truck that was like all twisted and distorted. That shit always looks cool visually. I mean, sorry about the death. No, I remember a million years ago having a bit about in L.A. being stuck in traffic because an accident happened. And like there better be a fucking dead guy at the end of this. Now I just appreciate it for the accidental art instead of the death.

Yeah. Well, you're going along. It's not clogged up when you're driving across West Texas. You just see a fucking trucker's dead and you go, sorry, I couldn't stop. Yeah, pardon me.

You don't actually send flowers, you just say it. You have flowers as you drive by. So they know the intention. I was going to ask your age, but how many years have you been at what point did a drive from Florida

to Los Angeles become alright, I'll just get through this. Like a commute. Like other people. Like, I'm doing a cross country drive. Yeah. You've never done that? No.

But I lived, dude, I lived out of my Saturn for like six years. So that's why it's surprising to me that anybody cares. Literally? Literally. for like six years so that's why it's surprising to me that anybody cares literally literally like i just i would go i would spend from thanksgiving to new year's at my mom's place for the holidays pick up my mail and then i would just leave again and i would just work the road like that what what ages um it was probably from 25 to like 30 to 30 all All right. Yeah. When you're young enough that you can pull that off and people are rooting for you. Yes. Because I was just thinking this.

Like when I lived out of my car for three years, 92 to 95, I wasn't like living in my car like a homeless person. You find a place to stay and the gig puts you up. You're not threatening. You make everybody laugh stay with us sure exactly yeah uh so yeah there were times you had a week four yeah well then there was some times where i was like i gotta go i can't stay with you people anymore i'd rather live in my car arrest area well it would also be like i started learning this that every time i would come into town i

would become like a lot of people's break so they would just want to party and then like you would do that like week after week after week you're like at some point i would like a break from you motherfuckers you know like i get it your parents and you still want to do drugs i'm about all of it but come on dude i can't be every time i'm here i just want to sleep in your house yeah like i'm still willing to enable all of you but jesus christ how much work you guys got to make me do i was i was and that was the bit back then 20 years ago and then i thought i i've been a high almost every day for a week like i i i say I am experimenting with edibles, but now it's become a habit. And the last week saying that for a year now, but it's not been this week.

It's been every fucking day and it's been beautiful. But I wake up with like, I'm forcing myself to keep a notepad beside the bed because that's when the best thoughts happen. But I was this morning or yesterday, I was thinking about that old bit. But now it's okay when you live out of your car to follow a dream, but you can't go backwards. like if i now had to andy dick it and move back into my car yeah no one's supporting you all of those people that were parents and wanted to party every night oh yeah yeah no sorry we got a we got a thing this weekend we can't really house you we had a lot going on all my in-laws are in that are in from to erin town i just we really can't have any company right now you're just gonna woof yeah that was always that was always a big question of mine is that what age do you stop having potential like is it around 40

when is it is it around like when is it when people start going i give up okay i i would break this down by art form like Like if you're in a band, only young bands make it. Oh yeah. If you're a comic, you can make it up to a certain age. We got way more of a grace period. If you're a writer, you can

go till you're fucking dead. You can live with your parents until you're in your 90s. In fact, you can't even be respected as a writer if you're under 40. So, yeah, look at what passes and go, all right, what age am I? What am I going to say that I'm doing? Even a journalist, I wouldn't even know. A journalist, I think you'd have to have some kind of pedigree before you're a writer.

Former journalist. Yeah. But you're talking like news journalists, like Christy Amanpour on CNN. Yeah, but Amanpour has been around for a million years. She gained her credibility like can you just jump in as some fucking katie crawford what's that triumvirate of fucking hideously ugly cnn women it's a crawford i can only see their face i don't know the name genie most these people are still on cnn i don't know the name. Jeannie Mose. Are these people that are still on CNN?

Well, I don't know. I don't fucking watch it anymore. Yeah, I don't watch it either. Jeannie Mose sounds familiar. She's the one who would kind of do an what's the guy at the end of 60 Minutes? Andy Rooney. Andy Rooney. She would do like a

and here's a piece at the end of the hour CNN. Did you ever of the hour, CNN. Did you ever notice? Yeah, exactly. She was like that. But like three of the most hideous looking people that were on CNN, where you applaud them. But I always thought that was trash because my dad told me this, like sold me the lie that you had to be like put together and pretty and shit to be a news anchor like that would then like nobody was ever going to want to listen to you if you didn't and then you had people like that where it was like why the fuck are you here that's why i applauded them but

they were also like genie most especially was doing just awful fucking hackneyed like this andy rooney shit like that charles carroll the weekend but they put ugly people on the news which i won't watch movies that if i if i'm gonna look at the cast and they're all way too pretty like the guy who plays the new batman oh yeah they all look like that like i'm not watching this because it's not reality yeah but then i also like why why do i have to look at genie most and there you go yeah there you go genie most oh no it says moose yeah that's definitely yeah i mean i want to pile on but it does look like a mortician did her makeup there they could they could do better mortician she could yeah she could they could warm it up a little bit. I think that. But the men are like, fucking Walter Cronkite wasn't pretty, but you trusted him.

Like there's ugly people you trust. Yes, you trust them more just because you're like, I don't think you're selling me anything. Based on the lack of features that you have on your face, they're not putting you up front to sell me anything. So I believe you. of features that you have on your face you they're not putting you up front to sell me anything so i believe you i mean i think that's why people listen to alex jones that fucking red face motherfucker like dude this guy's gotta mean what he says right no no see that's the thing i don't even want to get into this because i want to save it for a bit but you know he was a a self-made morton downey j. when he started.

Like, he didn't believe his own bullshit. And then over the course of time, he became... He started believing in himself. In the shittiest way, you know what I'm saying? But I think Morton Downey Jr. did as well. It's one of these bits that will go nowhere because no one remembers Morton Downey Jr. did as well. It's one of these bits that will go nowhere because no one remembers Morton Downey Jr.

Or fucking Jerry Springer. Like what if Jerry Springer or Mopo, people took him seriously and he was catapulted into, which I think is a false. I think. Yeah, but at least Jerry Springer was the mayor of Cincinnati. Like he did shit he read some books and shit you know so i believe him more when jerry's final thoughts or whatever the fuck

you know after he had two chicks cat fight have their tits out he was like now what did we learn from this i'm like we learned that you like getting paid jerry that's what we learned i think he's still relevant in the name more than Maury Povich because even Wilco, his bouncer, now has a show. So it's still hasn't had a break. Maury used to be on all the time. I don't think he is now.

The point is, Alex Jones started Cable Access in Austin doing a fucking character and everyone... Like Wally George? Yeah. Wally George? and doing a fucking character and everyone like like wally george yeah wally george yeah wally george kind of the white haired guy yeah yeah they he was that guy and then then as it built up and he was promoted like just because he's a goof then all of a sudden, he was on, what was that, the chick from the Fox News thing, Kelly. Oh, yeah.

Kelly and Conway or whatever, what the fuck? No, no, the Fox News anchor that was hot. They made a movie about her. Really good movie. Won an Oscar. It was the Blondes movie. Yeah, the Blondes. Fucking, I'm drawing a blank, but I know what you're talking about. I'll look it up. Really good movie. Won an Oscar. It was the Blondes movie. Yeah, the Blondes. Fuck it.

I'm drawing a blank, but I know what you're talking about. Let me look it up. When she got her own network show, she quit Fox because of Roger Ailes. And then he was her first guest. I mean, Alex Jones? Bombshell. Bombshell. Yeah, that was the movie.

Alex Jones, when she got a primetime show, that was her first guest. And this is like in the Trump starting era. I'm like, what the fuck? Like, Alex Jones doesn't know he's a false flag operation. Right. They're building you up to create a schism between, like, Alex Jones is the false flag operation. Megyn Kelly.

I knew it was Kelly. Kelly, Megyn, whatever. Some fucking Midwestern easy peasy fucking name. Yeah. That ends with something Jewish when you look up her Wikipedia page. They changed their name at Ellis Island.

Why is that hot blonde really? She's really Jewish? I don't know. She's got a strong nose. I still think she's hot. She's got great tits. So many people are like, wait, you're Jewish? I don't care.

It's just weird. I just thought my detector would be better. That's more of what it is. I thought I would have been. Judar? You're serious? Yeah, it's not that you're upset that they're around or that they exist. It's just like, I figured I would have been able to pick them out.

Yeah, it's the ones you can't. Those are the creepers, sleeper cells. Sleeper cell Judaism. Don't worry, they can't cancel us. No one knows us. Oh, I'm just genuinely laughing. Yeah, well, you guys, hey, you guys, you want to do mushrooms? We're doing mushrooms.

And I said, no. And then when you said microdose and you're all laughing, I go, oh, I could microdose. Now I'm laughing. Yeah. Isn't that nice? It's kind of like how the new thing that you've been enjoying with edibles is the same kind of thing. It's the same idea.

Really no different. That's why I'm not headlong in, I should go trip my balls off, which I really should. If I do another 30 days in the hole, there's going to be heavy hallucinogens and a puke bucket but uh yeah when i when i take edibles all the same shit that i loved for mushrooms without having to figure out how much because now well you have them explain yeah explain to me like that's always been my problem with hallucinogens you have no idea what you're gonna get and then i said this i think it was annie letterman when

she was doing fucking ketamine she's like well it's a different day and age now you know the dosage i'm like i've never been oh my god i talked to her about that shit because i i was i met this like older like writer lady who written who had written like 25 different cartoons that we've all seen. And I can't, I'm not going to do a disservice of misremembering everything. I was going to say Lucy. She was like, she had just lost her, I met her through Kill Martin. It was like at a brunch or something like that. And she was talking about how her mom had just passed away.

So she started doing ketamine treatments. And the only thing I ever knew about ketamine was all the DJs I knew in Miami. You just used to eat like ketamine for the, yeah, the EDM party for the stamp for six days. Or like, um,

I knew this one like singer who used to do like go into these K holes in the middle of the concert. And it's like, bro, we're everybody's here. We're watching you leave this world. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Yes, yes. And it's like, there's more words to this song.

I'm ready for this. Yeah, I'm ready for this. Get to it. It's like, come on, you have lyrics, dude. You have lyrics. There's 75 people waiting for you to come back, to get back to the song, so they can feel comfortable about you being this fucked up.

Ultimately. Oh, all the times at Coots where the midges had to get shipped to the ER because of GHB. They weren't even DJing. They were just supposed to dance in a cage while they were djing it says that ketamine is used to treat depression yeah so that's what i found out she was going to the doctor because i was like you can get i just like there's k out here in the suburbs what's happening to this world like i was clutching my pearls about it and then she was like, there's K out here in the suburbs? What's happening to this world? Like, I was clutching my pearls about it. And then she was like, no, I went to the doctor.

They're giving me ketamine treatments. Like, they give me like, and it was basically like micro. And I was like, oh, okay. Shane Moss, not to be confused with Jeannie Moss. Yeah, very different. Similar spellings of the last name. I just did his podcast, and he has a documentary out, and I can't remember what it's called, but where he did all these hallucinogens, and he did ketamine through.

And Shawcroft, the old Witter Hedbergs. Yep. Lynn Shawcroft, she was doing ketamine and I wanted to talk to her on a podcast about it. Like, not like when I was given ketamine in a sweaty palm in London 12

years ago. Yeah, it's way different. Be careful of K-holes though. I'm like, I don't even want to fuck with this. The documentary is Psychonautics, a comics exploration of psychedelics. Still haven't watched the last 10 minutes. I watched it going into doing his podcast. And I'm like, all right, you're right at a point where I have a bit about it.

So, ayahuasca. Yeah. I'm like, don't tell me anything about ayahuasca because I have a bit. I've never done it. I don't want to know yet. Yeah. I don't want to know yet. Yeah. I don't want to know if it steps on my bit. Since then, have you done it?

I haven't done it yet. No, I haven't done. I've only done mushrooms like three times in the last two years, three years. Well, the first time I met you, I think I had, like, I had, this was back before. Like, I've been into them for like a long time. I think you were in orlando at back booth and wow wait that long i've known you that long yeah that was that was i've remembered you this time thank you close cameron right we're getting there we're working

on it oh no no i i get the carmen morales i just misspoke oh you're good. But I was there. Yeah, we shaved your fucking arms at Johnny Depp's house. And that's all I remember. Remember, I don't know how you got there. Were you with the Ericsons or with your Morgan? No, I was with the Ericsons. With Carrie and Brett. But yeah, you were at Back Booth and my friend Corinne had featured for you. Corinne McWithy.

Oh, yeah. I remember her. She was really funny and then she had a kid and you never thought of her again yeah that's what happened um and that was the whole thing afterwards what a great name irish japanese lady very funny but it was it was one of those things where it was the first time i'd ever seen people be responsible with drug use and i think that was it was you guys i think bingo was there too and i was like oh i was like oh i brought mushrooms i know you guys like drugs i brought

mushrooms and then you were like oh no we're on something else but if you come to the tampa show we'll do mushrooms tomorrow and i never thought like oh you could just do drugs responsibly like that was like schedule it out yeah that's what i'm saying you could just oh you don't have to just do whatever's in your hand right at the moment and it was an incredible unintentional teachable moment for me and then forever i've just always been like oh i could just do drugs where it works out i saw that shaley and then this guy. So that I saw that start to put that out on Twitter. Wow.

And like, yeah, and then tweet the fucking podcast with that ISO of just that I remember and I never thought to learn drugs responsibly till you said that and then and then we can put that out on Twitter. I'm going to put a pin in this and on our post-production meeting we'll go over that and then we'll map that out

and i'll iso it for you we we we did the post-production meeting ahead of time clearly on a different schedule i i also it took me way too long for me to realize what the fuck iso meant and i was like what the fuck what are you guys talking about right now and i can't hear you i don't have my cans on i guess only shaylee is loving it yeah i don't know all right oh yeah please hold helix sleep you you spend a a third of your life in bed sleeping and you toss and turn and it's fucked up yeah invest in a fucking mattress that makes sense you want to sleep hard i have lucid dreams and the best way to do that is not to have springs poking into your spine from some highway salvage mattress that you pulled out from behind a dumpster. I know my fan base.

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i can't i'm looking for the last time we played the back booth and i'm all the way back oh it was way it wasn't the last time it was two it was two times again yeah i, I think the last two. This was like maybe 2011. 2011 is. 2013. No, it was before 2011 because 2011 does not have it. Yeah, before 2010. I don't even think that. Orlando. Genie and the Tits we played with the first time.

And they actually had that booth that overlooked the stage. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they always had that. Because I think you came through and then other people, other cool kids started coming through. And then Posehn came through.

Kanane came through with Posehn. And then they started learning about these like, because like nobody was coming to Orlando. Rock and roll gigs. At the time. Yeah. Nobody was coming to Orlando. Nobody was fucking with us.

Yeah. Then they, improv took us back. That was during the time. We were avoiding them at the time. nobody was fucking with us yeah then they uh well i mean you had an improv back yeah well we were avoiding them at the time wasn't alive then this was when the improv was dead yeah there's that period of time it used to be downtown yeah pearlman owned it and then lou pearlman went to jail he lost the improv so we lost the improv all together wait what's that dirt yeah i don't i don't know what did. I don't remember what he did. But he owned it.

It was the same guy on the back. He owned the development, that whole area. And he'd sunk a ton of money into that area. Yep. And then that's when he went to jail. That all went down. And then that's when we got the- So our little downtown area died because of that motherfucker going to jail. Yeah.

It ruined like a part of the city. That's where I saw the whole steady was out there near the back booth. The social club or something. Yeah, yeah. What the fuck? Sapphire? Yeah, Sapphire Social Club. Yeah, that place is fun.

Yeah. But yeah, that's why he took the back booth because Doug stopped doing regular comedy clubs just to do rock and roll venues. So that's how far back it was that we took it back. Yeah, it's 07. Yeah, which isn't on the past gigs. Yeah, because Brendan Walsh was with us. Oh, yeah. Yeah, which isn't on the past gigs. Yeah, because Brendan

Walsh was with us. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Brendan Walsh peed the bed that night, if it was that same night. On purpose. We have pictures of him standing up, standing up, pissing on his own bed. He was, he

before he had kids, he was a little bit of a boozer back then oh yeah that happens those kids will really cock block that party i don't know the kids anymore i don't either someone's gonna be out fucking things up on the road there's absolutely still people doing that i was uh it's dying though it's not like it used to be are people just going comedy club to comedy club they're not i don't think they're doing it like we used to do it like that that's more like more people are getting brought i i talk about this uh before where there was like a middle class of stand-up comedy that was just not there anymore

like there used to be like that was my goal when i started doing stand-up is i was like oh i could just do comedy for a living that's perfect and then like the longer i did it the less and less that was like an attainable goal unless you like unless you popped big because like i knew good i knew guys that were just they wrote for snl for like three years and then they had an act and they never changed it. And they did that for 15 years and it just ended. Like, yeah.

Yeah. No, I know a few of those. Yeah. I got very lucky. Yeah. I got very lucky in LA with Annie Letterman. I'm like, hey.

Should you be talking about that? Well, it's over. It's a joke. I'm kidding. You got lucky with Annie Letterman. Oh, yeah. No, I fucked her. Okay.

I definitely fucked her. But you also got lucky in another way. No, she got lucky in the fact she's got at least seven minutes out of how poorly I fucked her. Oh, I thought you were saying she was lucky because you got it up. Nice. Well, it's seven minutes of me trying to get it up. If she works the craft, she can get the full seven minutes out of that. I just want to see all the tricks you got.

Let me see all the tricks you know. No, I just like, I know so many people. I texted Bert Kreischer. I go, hey, you want to open for me at the comedy store? Just for fun. It would be very funny if Bert Kreischer came out. I think that would have been amazing. He's like, I'm in fucking wherever in North Carolina.

I'm like, well, I don't know when you're going to be back. And he never got back to me. Yeah. But Annie Letterman, like, fuck yeah. I know she's a headliner and i like i should get a fucking headliner in new york to open for me but i you still feel like i don't well i don't like i know more la guys than new york guys all i know the new york guys are like the legion of skanks guys and i not going to fucking ask any one of them if they want to open.

And I want to follow someone that has a fucking act that's not stepping on my dick. What does that mean? Tell people what that means when they're not stepping on your dick. That's a good point. Doing the same material premises that I'm doing. the same material premises that I'm doing. Junior Stopka, I fucking love working with because he's

uniquely hilarious and he has an act. I don't have to fucking listen to you every night. This is why I want to fucking tour with Andy because I love him but we both go for the same topics.

I'm trying to put shit together. I don't want you fucking stepping all over my dick. Yeah. Like, if Andy went on after Doug, no problem. Sure. But if Andy's going on first, guaranteed, he's going to fucking just, whatever happened during that day, Doug capitalizes. Yeah, the fucking weird guy at the drive-thru.

Oh, I wrote a fucking... When you're doing the same shit every night, all it takes is one fucking spark of something new to talk about the club, the fucking city. Any kind of even inkling of an experience, something that you saw in a window. Something new. Yes. Anything new will reinvent the fucking things

you're tired of saying and andy and i would andy would do things that haven't you watched me for the last three weeks like why would you even and he wouldn't even have jokes he'd just just say it yeah burn it like what the fuck like i don't want to have to watch you every night so yeah i don't know what those guys do and i wouldn't ask a like chrysler yeah i i know chrysler enough to go hey you want to do this for funny just you be my opening act uh and i don't know those guys in in new york i asked i i texted a tell hey who should i use as an opening act it's just yeah the crowds out here suck you're like nobody can give you like i'm not i'm not asking you uh uh uh, it's a serious question. I'm serious. Like,

you know, all the people like, who would you think is a good, hopefully this comes out. Wait, when is this coming out? The podcast. Here's the other thing.

There's, there's other comics you go. Well, I don't know how many were backed up. Where is this coming out? Right on time. Good. Yeah. There's other comics. I don't want a many were backed up. Is this coming out? Right on time. All right, good. Yeah, there's other comics.

I don't want a bunch of people saying, hey. You don't want to get bothered with it a bunch either, too. Well, like a comic, you go, oh, I know you. But no, absolutely not. Absolutely not. So. So this is not a casting call. No, it's definitely. Yeah yeah would i be opening for you

on the road yes you can open for me how's that maybe that's how i should tweet it yeah yeah think think that little thought experiment through first before you like email doug there's so many people that how long have you been doing this 16 years do you get to that place where i know i know you but i don't know how yes sure it's fucking embarrassing like well you just meet so many people like the average person never meets as many people as we do like not only in their workplace because their workplaces our workplace is constantly changing and there's people that come in and out and people that stay around or stay adjacent and like people that you remember for some reason for no reason yeah and then there's people that have been around that you don't remember and then it's just like well why did

i remember that i mean we don't we just don't know enough about memory in general but i remember a a bit i i would do on purpose at the edinburgh festival where i would just open with listen i i might not i would explain i've been doing comedy this long, let's say 20 years at that point. And that's the same as if you went to the same grade school, middle school, and high school, but in a different city every week. And someone comes up to you and says, do you remember me from third grade? I sat three rows back from you in geometry. You don't remember me? Like, I remember you. And it's like, okay, well, I met, I don't know,

200,000 more people than you do on average. It's not that you're not significant. I get it. Everybody wants to feel special. And I was drunk every day in third grade in a different city just to be able to face a social situation. Ultimately, because that's happened to me. I'm sorry that we had fun together and that registered and meant more in that moment to register in your memory than it did in mine. But it doesn't mean that I didn't have fun with you.

It just means I didn't get to keep that file have you ever met someone that you fucked that you didn't remember oh no i try not to meet them again i try to keep it moving i've like always assumed like with my sexual history back in the day when it was flourishing that I would get people like I fucked you in Missoula, Montana. Don't you remember? I've never had that. I've never had someone like, but that's, I would assume that would be more with a female comic or a guy. You would remember a guy more than i would remember a woman i mean i got pretty high testosterone doug i don't know if that's the case necessarily for me i'm gonna shave your fucking mustache next go ahead i trimmed it just for this

this is an audio podcast oh so they, so they can imagine it. For a limited time only. You're going to Patreon. It's $2,000 a month. No, we're going fucking full video soon. Over the summer, we're going to figure this out. We're going to remodel and remake this. All you need is two cameras.

You'll be fine. It's not the cameras. What is it doug i've always been against cameras yeah well i mean that's also you also don't need them you could still put audio clips out yeah i mean this isn't good content but we could talk about it afterwards if you want to commit to no cam you don't have to If you want to commit to no cam, you don't have to. No, no. He's been committing to no cam. Committed to that for 15, 17 years.

10 years. 10 years. April 13th. Oh, my God. That's going to be a birthday? 10 years. Yeah. Wow.

Happy birthday. Started with Andy. Definitely started with Andy. Andy's molestation. Mm-hmm. Wow. So really the beginning of issues with Andy too. I mean, the issue started way before then, but we just started addressing them.

We seem to be around the 20 minute mark. Oh, we passed that a long time ago. Oh shit. Oh my bad. Do we need to break? Do we have sponsors? I can fix it in post. Hey, can you ISO this out and maybe take it out i gotta go back

and listen to what he wants me to iso because i wasn't really i'm still dialing stuff the lesson she learned all right i'll find it i go back and listen to the podcast i have a bit about it now it turned into a joke where i talk about people like my generation learning how to do drugs responsibly like this is this was the actual response of like the war on drugs from Nancy Reagan coming down on us is like, ultimately it's like, Oh no, fine.

Then we'll do drugs. We'll just do them responsibly. So we'll just do tiny bits of drugs. And that's what happened with the mushrooms is like, then now you can do small amounts of them. And, you know, cause I've like,

I've been talking about, I got old people doing them. Old people taking them now. It's like genuinely doing a great like i feel so good about it i feel so good about it and uh who knew doing tiny amounts of the drugs that if you take a bunch of them if you're ready for it such a good time um but that's usually based on the individual if you just take a tiny amount of those drugs. 37? Hmm? You? How old? 36.

Yeah. Yeah, we're thinning here. Pretty good. Bam. I think you did some math, though. I know. 18. Oh, he did math.

18, you know, out on the road. 16 years that she's been doing comedy. There's a skill there, though. You still got it. You still got it, buddy. All right. If you were ever to be me too'd again yeah who's coming out against you you mean like i me too'd someone yeah i mean that's not what you ask you come out i guess right well you've already thought about it, so I'm hitting fucking a gold mine.

Wait, what are you saying? Like, who would come out against me? Yeah, that was his first question, and then he switched it. You're asking me who assaulted me. Who was too drunk to give consent that you fucked? I mean, isn't that everybody's 20s? That's like everybody's 20s. Yeah.

Not every woman's 20s. I mean, yes. Yes, it is too. I think it's women's too. I think that there are plenty of women. No, women don't have to worry about it. I'm not saying women don't have to worry about it. No one's ever come out and said, hey, I'm a dude.

I was way too drunk to fuck you. That's not true not true dude has come out but with that but nobody said anything nobody gave a shit who he's there was a dude in chicago he came out against a female comedian specifically there's no one we know i mean i'm not speaking up like me too only works for famous people. Yes. Yeah. So yeah, nobody with money. So I'm saying you're the famous person. If I'm the famous person.

Yeah. Who would come after me? What one night stand? If you were, no, I'm too much of a people pleaser. I don't think anybody would come after me, honestly.

But I'm saying, have you ever walked away going, Oh, that guy was way too drunk. Well,'m saying, have you ever walked away going, oh, that guy was way too drunk? Well, I mean, I'm in a fortunate position where like a lot of times if you're too drunk, you can't really fuck. So you know what I'm saying? So it's like, no, I've definitely had drunk sex that I regretted plenty of times. But I wouldn't say that was like that that's right

there's a difference i think i actually had a bit before me too was a thing about that about like sober regret of yes when i feel like that because because it's such a nuanced conversation nobody ever likes to dive into this part of it. Because then it's like, are you saying it's not real? It's like, no. But I'm saying there are plenty of times you have sex with someone and the next day you're like, oh, I probably shouldn't have sex with that person. And then you go on with your life and there's no lawsuit or anything like that involved.

But you always assume the dude was happy. He's lucky to be there. He came. You never think. If he came, I usually, it is easier sell for sure. Cause it's like. That means he was way too young. There was like a couple of years where like nothing but 23 year olds really

liked me and I capitalized on it. It was a nice little bright eyeyed bushy-tailed open micer you know you're so good at this oh my god you fucked comics oh yeah i've only uh yeah i'm sure i've fucked comedians i mean at some point if you do it long enough you have no other choice have you have you had a relationship with a comedian yes up multiple upper or lower had a relationship with a comedian. Yes. Multiple.

Upper or lower. Yeah, I know what you mean. She just doesn't want to say. Because I've only dated one comedian, and she was an opener for an extended period. Betsy, I know who you're talking about. We know who you're talking about. Opener? I've gone to one of her shows she was the headliner

i didn't make it to the end where there's nothing worse than when like yes i had to bring somebody that sucked i had a comedy club owner bring me into the office and go you can work here whenever you want but that piece of shit is not coming on my stage again. Don't fucking ask me to do it. And I was just like, Jesus Christ. Sorry, I'm fucking up. Kind of had to do it.

What sucked, Doug, is he was an ugly narcissist too. So he was like an unattractive physical person who would take a lot of selfies. So it was just like, dude, you're selling the wrong thing. This isn't the thing that makes you worth the shit it was so weird like james woods or something no no that would be funny though yeah no like in the morning where

you're having coffee and this bit that i told you about, what do you think? And you're like, ah, I'm in a relationship now. So you can't say you suck. I fell in love over one joke when she was an opener for me. And she had one funny joke. And then after that, I was like, gah. And you had a relationship with her over one joke how long of a relationship year and a half wow that's how stupid we are is we we think the wrong things matter so much where you're like this one because i've done the same thing where i've just been like oh this one because that that the person that I'm talking about, trash as a comedian

when I'm watching bombs so much, you know, and then I'd be like, he does good at colleges. You know, I'm trying to sell myself on it. Like, come on. He's got something.

He needs a smarter room. Yeah, I do. Oh, my God. This podcast is brought to you by another podcast, the world record podcast. Hi, it's me, the B man.

And I'm telling you, you should listen to the world record podcast. Go to world record podcast.com. watch the videos, join the Patreon. It's the funniest podcast in the world. Listen. If you put a frog in a kangaroo's pouch, is that safe? For the frog, mostly, I guess. Because I know in the kangaroo's pouch, that's kind of where there's a nip in there.

So I'm wondering if the frog was put in the pouch and he sucked on the nip, would the kangaroo milk hurt the frog? That's a joke. Dad, you would have to go to a veterinarian for that. Okay. So go to worldrecordpodcast.com. Watch all the videos. Join the Patreon.

Listen to all the episodes. Just do it. You ever did standing doggy? Have you ever heard of it? Standing doggy? What is it? It's a beer? It's a position. It's a position. You can, it's, it's doggy, is it it's a beer no it's a position it's a position

you can it's doggy but you stand I don't know what you're talking about please I don't know what you're talking about

wicked yeah I can't imagine the amount of comics have fucked but that was the one that was like a long-term relationship at that age, a year and a half.

I never usually fucked anybody around my level. It was always young guys. All right. So you never fucked up? No, I never fucked up. That's why we're called headliners. We don't have to fuck you. We don't, yeah.

We're fucking Amy Schumer. But that's kind of like... I know we're kidding, but I genuinely kind of felt that way. Where it was just like, I never wanted anybody to have like a... And maybe it's the high testosterone. I never wanted anybody to have anything over on me like that. You didn't want anybody to be funnier. Especially not if anybody that I thought could have been funnier than me. was just like oh no i'm gonna i'm gonna i i always think that

when the the alpha male always comes up now i'm an alpha male well i've always been the alpha male of my community let's say yeah i would never try to fuck someone that's yeah why would you yeah no i i this is this is my pack why would i fuck so it was like i would like i would fuck people because they were superfluous but it was like but i wouldn't date anyone that i thought would be challenging me in that particular regard. I love that you could say superfluous without stuttering. I get a blowjob, half a blowjob the first half, which is the worst part. That's before they even start blowing.'re just from a lebanese woman who had a superfluous nipple in eugene oregon she kept talking about it because her friend was hot

and me and dean olsen was the comic's name and we're in eugene oregon and we both went to denny's after the one-nighter at the uh what do you move the letters, it's, goddammit. It's a popular steakhouse thing. Ruth's Chris? No, no. If you move the letters. Are you making a Wordle reference here? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway. Isler? She drops us off at our hotel. They're in the car, the headliner. I'm on a triple gig in Eugene. Oh, my God. Black Angus. That's what it was.

Oh, all right. Black anus. Yeah, black anus. That's not moving the letters around. That's removing. It doesn't matter. I thought it was the first time I heard it. And, you know, the first time you heard something in comedy and you laughed and then you realized it's a hackneyed premise.

And then you feel like an idiot, like you got duped, like you got sold into multi-level marketing. You're like, God damn it. I thought it was good. Comedy's ruined comedy for me. Comedy has ruined comedy for me. So he drops me off with the hot girl. And do you want to walk me to my room? You know, it's 25 or something.

Yeah. And then she was wearing one of those Sears coats with the fur on the hood. Like a winter coat. And she's blowing me. She was wearing it? Yeah. Was it outside it outside no she walked me to my room i get her to blow me in the room and she kept her jacket on yeah because they're waiting for her downstairs to drive they drop me at my room, and then they're going to drive around. So she's blowing me quickly. Wow. Where her hood is flopping up and down.

But at Denny's, she said, I'm a three-nippled Lebanese girl. I'm like, what does that mean and she showed her superfluous nipple which was like a fucking genital wart underneath her tit and she showed it at the denny's and yeah at 25 i'm all in yeah i'll put your mouth on me that sounds cool yeah this is the closest to total recall i'm getting the horn i'll do it no no she's just trying to blow, but that hood is slapping up and down on her head. She's trying to make it quick, which I appreciate. The sound of the jacket rubbing against itself. That polyester.

I did not come. I just kept laughing. How could you come? I don't know. You're laughing too hard. I mean, quietly, because she still has your dick in her mouth. Wait, how did she know she was done? You just tap her out.

Probably. She overheated. They're waiting for you downstairs. I can't stop laughing. Why did they wait? Yeah I don't think I think she was driving I don't remember All the details

I know they were waiting for her But I remember Five more stops You had to You had to rush Hang on What I remember is I told that story

Well I get a blowjob From a three nipple Flippibbled Lebanese woman because it sounds funny. Yeah, sure. That's it. Yeah. I get blown by a three-nibbled Lebanese woman once in Eugene, Oregon at the Black Angus. At the Black Enus. I mean, that is a funny sentence.

You got a lot going on there. It's story value. That's what you told me when you were shaving my arms. I go, why are you doing this? You don't have to do this. You go, it's for the story. You can say, I had my arms shaved at Johnny Depp's house. Yeah.

100% story. Yeah. Wasn't really, but i remember it i remember it because of the story value of saying this happened to me yeah thanks for that i was just wow you really did shave your fucking arms i did i. I told you. You're not getting me twice. You're not catching me slipping. The worst is having the same story twice. We're not even at Johnny Depp's house! We're not even amping up the story anymore!

When I, uh... My first evening at the Improv, which was a ubiquitous show in the, you know, eighties, nineties. When I started,

I got evening at the improv in my first year and a half of doing comedy. It was on all the time. Like anyone who lived by the, uh, where it is. Let's see some acid wash jeans. Smokey Robinson. Introducing us.

Look at that wig. What are you, nervous? Look at that wig. What are you, nervous? Oh, wait. Hang on. I had alopecia shortly after this. Well, I'm still making fun of you.

Smokey Robinson. Oh, God. alopecia shortly after this well i'm still freaking making fun of you all right that's enough come on you watch it no no i i regret a lot of things i've said too you did have alopecia though right i did uh i i got alopecia though, right? I did. I got alopecia after that. Not right after that. I'm not blaming evening at the improv. But yeah, when I had that mullet long hair, I had a chunk. It was like male pattern baldness that slipped down like a runny egg. Like it fell to the side? Like a runny egg to the side yeah yeah it was just a a splotch over here like male pattern baldness slipped down like went completely bald and when i had long hair yeah that's fucked up

yeah and you just have a piece of no hair that's terrible i went to uh to and they gave me shots of, I don't know, some fucking testosterone, I guess. I got plenty extra if you need any more. I got you covered. Are you trying to get me to eat you out? I've heard this from so many openers. Yeah, I get testosterone running out of my pussy. Just go down on me. I'm not falling for this.

I'm being rubed by these women but that's not what i meant is that how you cured your alopecia yeah no i get shots nice under the skin and it grew back you're welcome i guess this is what i should be saying you're welcome you see that tracy what i'm looking at it. Right there. That went bald. Okay. And that's still hairy. But that should be. Yeah, that was the last time.

But it got to. It's lopsided. The point is, one fucking Jada Pinkett fucking, oh, I've talked about my trials and travails with alopecia. Fucking, I'm a dude. It's okay to go bald and that's not a problem. I think I talked about this on a special with bald kids with fucking cancer. I had a bit about, yeah.

Why is bald a fucking weird thing that, oh my God, don't you make jokes about it. It's fucking hair. Who gives a fuck about hair? You're trying to, you're shaving your own arms i mean you cared enough to shave my arms is how much so people do care a lot about hair if it if it moved you enough that you seeing it was so upsetting you're like i gotta get no it was funny to shave your arms at johnny depp's house because then you have a story that is really as boring as getting your cock sucked by a three-nippled Lebanese woman.

At Black Angus. After the Black Angus. But the sentence is good. It was the Sheraton Five Points in Eugene, Oregon. Probably not. It's probably a fucking. Definitely not. Definitely a motel eight.

Seven. Knights in. Seven. Six and a half. You are, sorry, I haven't talked about Camorian, Morales. Cameroon, like the country. Cameroon. Yeah.

Like in Africa. Yeah. Oh oh we have a guest caller there we go hey we have a guest caller cameroon morales is on the podcast and you're a guest caller that was bingo she did not want to be part of this podcast. So you, where was I? I don't know. You were opening a new thing, so I don't know where you were going with it. Yeah. So you're well into your stretch of doing stand-up. I am.

You're moving back. Yep. You lived in Florida for aup. I am. I finally have a- You're moving back. Yep. You lived in Florida for a year. A year. I lived in LA for six before that, I think. But you disappeared for the COVID? Mm-hmm. Yep.

And now you're on your way back. That's why you're here. Mm-hmm. To Los Angeles. Yep. And? And what? Oh, I have a cool thing that's happening soon.

It's like my first, I guess, big thing to me, is I'm going to do stand-up on HBO for the first time. Wow. Yeah. That has to hurt. Yeah. Like, you're going to do comedy on HBO now that HBO is finally irrelevant. Yeah.

I'm going to do Johnny Carson. Are you? Next week. Dig him up. It could be funny, like a Weekend at Bernie's version of the show. What are you doing? Sorry. Sorry.

I didn't mean to shit on you. It's just how my career has gone. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm'm just i know it doesn't matter but it matters now in the grand it'll marry it'll matter to your parents yeah she's on hbo it's this upstart thing yeah it's called cable box network. They go down to the motel to watch you? This is HBO. Weekly, right? Yeah.

Yeah, they go. They have to specifically get a room just so they can watch it. Get the starlight in. They can't afford it. So you're right. They did have to get a room to watch it. So I'm just costing my parents money. When are you doing that?

May 6th, it comes out. Right on. Wait, it comes out? May 6th, it comes out. Right on. Wait, it comes out? On May 6th, yeah. Oh, you already did it? Yeah, I already filmed it back in November. Where'd you film it? At the Chelsea Music Hall in New York City.

Oh, wow. Beauty. It really was like a cool place. It's like in this basement and like it's got all the under parts of it. So it didn't feel real, didn't feel theater-y or anything like that, which is my style. That's good. So I liked how it felt.

I fucking hate. Well, I won't go on my usual rant. Yeah, no, all specials should be shot in small rooms. Yeah, there was like 80 people. It was perfect. Yeah. And they were into it. It was was nice but we just did two shows and um it was super fun and i actually liked how it came out so that comes out may 6th and it's me and another comic we're both doing 15s alfred robles is the two it's

just the two of us why don't you tell people how they can uh find you so i don't keep saying cameroon i kind of want him to i kind of want him to not find me now just to see maybe it'll just build up the FOMO for it um just more of that edging that we were talking about on fear of missing out it was like the edging we were talking about earlier about how TV shows are just all edging. But it's called Entrenos and it's on HBO. It comes out May 6th. You can follow me at The Funny Carmen. That's where I put all of it. And it's on CarmenMorales.com.

What's your Twitter? It's just The Funny Carmen. That's it. Do I follow you? I think so. I better. Somebody got hiccups over there. It's okay, girl.

I'll leave it. I think we have to go. Yeah, okay. Let's go. My wife just called and she's angry at me. Oh, no. You're in the doghouse now. Not really.

I know. But we're playing pretend, I thought. I don't know if I'm microdosing or I'm shit-faced. Why not both? I think it's probably both. Were you drinking before we went to try to go to the old-timey baseball? No. No.

Oh, wow. Maybe you're not drinking that way. I didn't have anything until we came back. People don't understand. When they show up, I start drinking out of panic. I don't know how to talk to people. Well, that's why I gave you a lot of notice. I don't want you to freak out.

Yeah, no, I was freaked out. I just go, yeah, you can stay in the guest house and then fuck off. Yeah, I plan to. And then everyone's tripping and I go, okay, I'm going to microdose too. I'm going to macrodose now. Would you like a tea? Yeah, do you want some more tea? No, I want...

No! I want to eat. Okay. Oh, you're hungry. That's what this person that just showed up is. Yeah, I ate a secret taco when I said, have you eaten yet? And you said no. You ate a taco by yourself?

Well, no, she just fucking drove in from fucking Las Cruces. And I go, have you eaten? And she said, no. She ate a taco. Well, no, she just fucking drove in from fucking Las Cruces. And I go, have you eaten? She said, no. I'm like, fuck, that means I have to make food. You forgot that she was making an entire barbecue. Well, no, you said Chaley's barbecuing chicken thighs, which I'm like, my friends aren't poor. What? Yeah, chicken thighs are dark, man. Chicken thighs are the best yeah well you're a woman of a plus size so i go she'll

she'll eat that so i made his dry i secretly made a taco behind your back i don't care i know you don't care house eat as many fucking tacos as you want secret or not i made a secret taco and i ate it and i go that'll get me through the day and now you're hungry and now you lied to yourself about it because now you want more well now i'm doing a micro dose and i go is this the same as when i think i'm tripping doing edibles where i want to eat so So now I think I want to eat another taco. Don't try to jump on my fucking taco action lady. I don't want your fucking taco. You know what? You'd be fucking

down at this point. Alright. Get us out of here, Chaley. Oh, hold on. Carmen, you said your website, CarmenMmorales.com. Yeah, carmenmorales.com. She'll be in Alameda Comedy Club, April 8th and 9th.

Looney Bin in Oklahoma City, May 4th through 7th. And Looney Bin in Tulsa, Oklahoma, May 11th and 14th. And then in May, Doug. We played there, the Looney Bin in Tulsa. I remember that. But she's playing the House of Comedy in Plano, Texas, May 19th through the 22nd. I think we were one of the first comics to come in there. How was it?

It was a new club when we got there. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. How was it? We have no comedy clubs that we can bitch about. Oh, good. Yeah, no, they were all good. We started doing heliums. Yeah. Fucking great. It's nice to be treated nice it's also it's it's all always nice to do like shitty bar rooms like

oh yeah but it's also nice to get back to all right they know what the fuck they're doing here's your green room it It has a shitter. Yes, thank you. Oh, my God. Thank you so much. Plano's great. Plano, Texas, House of Comedy, their green room does not have a shitter. That's true.

They're working on it. They're working on it. Thanks for clearing it up, though. Hey, let's close with this. Okay. Because we always ask in any chain comedy club, they assign you a wait staff. We're going to take care of you in the green room. Green room server.

And we always ask, who's the biggest douchebag you ever had to work with in the green room? We ask the server. It's always Eddie Griffin. It was. was man i just thought of that too the last time i asked somebody i was like who was the worst and they said eddie griffin as well that was it it's always eddie griffin and i shit on him every time i have the chance when he's actually coming to play again. Who's the worst comedian that you had to work with on the road? I mean, worst in which way? Comedically or to deal with?

To deal with. No. You know the answer. That you had to be on the road with or at a week-long club. Who's the worst comedian that you had that was don't do that bit or anything like um when i was a really young comic john pinnett said i couldn't go on stage again if i didn't do blow with him and he was like in miami me and i was like hosting for i hosted for him somewhere in like Orlando or something.

And he invited me to come down and do Miami as well. And he was there. And I guess I didn't know this going down, but I guess the Monday after the shows that weekend, he was supposed to be going into rehab. And so everybody that came out to those shows those weekend, he was getting like methadone lollipops. Like all these people were bringing all of these drugs and I didn't know anything about them like i didn't know anything about it and um he had like some rich dude come and visit him that was he owned a bank or some shit and like he was uh so he was like peacocking for these guys and i was like in the room and i accidentally like knocked over a shot of tequila and he was like threatening to fire me in front of them and stuff like that and I was like what I was I'm what the fuck dude like

I'm sorry and I like I mind you I'd probably only been doing stand-up for maybe like four years so I just didn't know how to handle this either I had never had to babysit anyone like that and um so I was just like okay and then he has like this he went from like this super rich guy that was there and then he like those people leave and then the late show comes and he goes he goes i didn't fire you because they made me feel bad so i didn't fire you and he goes he goes how do you feel that they they probably only wanted me to keep you here because you're fat how about that like maybe i shouldn't have fired you because you were fat and i was like i don't give a fuck what you do man at this point like i don't care no i just wanted to do stand-up in the miami improv because i'd never done it before

like that was that was really all this was about and um and then he had like this this like rough neck kind of dude like classic south florida like was from originally from the Northeast, moved down there with vacation. I'm never going back. Like that fucking guy was in there and he was in the green room. And like, I just was just like not trying not to move. Cause I didn't want to knock any more tequila over and like upset anybody else. And, um, so then I guess like that guy had brought Pinette Coke or whatever. And I guess Pinette really liked Coke.

So then Panette starts doing it. And I was just like, okay, like, I don't care. Like, I didn't bother even, you know, mind you at the time, like I had a very, I had a very sordid past with it, not because of me, but just because like, my uncle was like really into it and like was embezzling money out of the company that was employing my whole family, blah, blah, blah. So I was a really big fan, had no interest in diving into it at the time. I found out later it was actually quite a nice experience if you do it with the right people. But anyways, at the time,

I was very anti-cocaine. And so he was going, he was like, come on, you should do a bump with me. And I was like, no, I was like, thanks, John. I just, I don't really like, you know, my family that does, I just don't really, really want to do it. And he was like, you're not going back on that stage if you don't do a bump with me. And I was like, um, okay. So then he put like, he put, he put it on his finger and he just shoved it up my, he shoved it up one of my nostrils and I'd never done it before. So I didn't even know I was supposed to breathe in. So I did.

I blew it out. I blew it out. It's called blow. I didn't know. I didn't out. I blew it out. It's called blow. I didn't know. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. And so I just had a numb nostril. And I had to go do it with my set. Like, I was so worried that he was going to be mad at me that I didn't do it right or whatever.

And then after the show, of course, naturally, the roughnecks like, dude, we got more blow at the bar because he owns a bar in Fort Lauderdale. So, of course, never go to a second location. That shit is 45 minutes away. And guess who wants to drive John Panetta to Fort Lauderdale? Nobody. So guess who fucking drove John Panetta after he tried to force me to drive? Me. I drove him in my Kia's fucking Sportage.

Oh, my God. I crammed his ass in there and we drove all the way to this guy's sports bar. And he was like, oh, you guys want to? That's why he was from Philadelphia. He was like, you guys want a Philly? I make a by import the bread straight from fucking Philly. We have the best Phillies here in South Florida. So he makes us a sandwich.

We're just sitting there and like and John's like, I think I don't think he has any more. I don't think he has any more. And I was like, I don't know what that means. I don't have any point of reference of this life experience you know so much about. And I was like, okay, well, do you want to go? Or like, I don't know. We ordered sandwiches. Yeah.

Well, the sandwiches were very good, if I'm being honest. He's definitely out of Coke. He's offering to keep you there with sandwiches. He's grilling everything the onions the peppers separate we season it yeah he's out of coke for sure so he's there pinna we eat our sandwiches and then uh he's i guess somebody was supposed to show up with more and he didn't he didn't show up with more and so now john is very upset and he goes uh some other dude just reckon finally recognizes him and starts trying to talk to him and and he goes, uh, some other dude just wrecking finally recognizes them and starts trying to

talk to him. And then he goes to me and he's like, Oh, go get the car. We're leaving. And I was like, Oh, okay.

So I go and get the car. I bring it around. I have it running or whatever. And I opened the door just in time to watch John Panette, like trying to cold cock the guy that was talking to him. I was like, what the fuck is happening? Oh, what's happening?

And then he was just like, fuck this place and fuck you. But the sandwich was really good. And then I had to drive him to his hotel. And he was like, you can sleep here if you want. And I was like, no, I'm going to drive the 45 minutes back to Miami to my hotel or my friend's house, whoever I was crashing with at the time. Thanks for the opportunity, Mr. Panette. Oh, God.

We never got that answer from a server. No, we did not. It's a little limited. The server interaction is just, oh, let me get that blue cheese. I was just recently in the Hollywood Improv, and there was a server that was trying to fuck mike tyson because he came to the show and uh and he came to the show and was hanging out and then there was like a lady that was trying to one of the service trying to fuck him did she have any luck no i don't you know what i don't know i didn't follow

this on the previous podcast yeah i didn't fucking mike tyson no we didn't talk about this no when i just played the uh the comedy store where your schedule yeah not who's in the audience i wasn't right like right before the first show yeah it was recently when i was recently too yeah they go the fucking manager comes in hey mike, Mike Tyson and the other guy, whatever guy. Evander Holyfield? No. No. I don't know who else he's hanging with.

He's coming to the show tonight. Why would you tell me right before? In the green room. Mike Tyson's coming to the show. I just left him. We did this event, and he's coming to the show. I just left him. We did this event and he's coming to the show. I don't fuck my head up. And then I went out on stage and I'm looking for Mike Tyson,

like literally minutes before the show. I'm like, would I say anything to Mike Tyson? I don't know. Yeah. What was the point of it? Yeah. He didn't show up after the show i'm like

it's mike tyson now he got too high he got too high at the event we just came from he's promoting his new thing then why the fuck would he come and do that to you see that's why i know i didn't find out about yeah i didn't find out about it until that like because i was just doing a set and he was in the audience and i didn't even really know about it until I was just doing a set and he was in the audience and I didn't even really know about it until afterwards and I was doing like me killing men shit and all this other stuff

the other side of me too where it's like it's our time to shine type shit so I didn't know and I didn't know he was in the office I didn't know he was in the audience at all until afterwards. And then I was like, well. You saw me. Yeah, I guess.

Yeah. But I ended up talking to him briefly afterwards. And we just talked about mushrooms. He's really big into mushrooms, I guess. He's got a line of ear-shaped cannabis-infused edibles called Mike Bites. Mike Bites. And there's a little tiny bite taken out of the ear. It looks like a Vanderholt field deer.

That's what they said. Yeah, he ate too much of the ear. It can't show up. Spit it out, dude. You don't eat it. You know how to do it. You made your point. You don't got to go cannibal.

I think she's talking about sucking cock. You don't have to swallow it. No. You just have to spit it out. Yeah. All right.

I got to go. You guys made me drunk and high. And I blame all of you. Oopsies. Get on the mailing list. DoggyStandUp.com Get the dates.

We got New York coming up 7th and 8th Fairfax, Virginia It's already sold out The 11th Yeah And Key West, Florida Fairfax, Virginia

Is gonna be a fun one I don't know why Fucking Brian Hennigan Has to show up for that A 90 seater You're showing up Fuck you

No Leave it in He doesn't listen to the podcast I saw that I just ISO saw it yeah thanks so much for having me by the way having you we're about we're all gonna have you after well good nobody in my family knows where i am so we're good you're all set click take us out bingo okay bye-bye now សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់� Oh, I could just do drugs where it works out.

I saw that, Chaley.