The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #106: Comedian Kristine Levine

Episode Date: October 30, 2015

Comedian Kristine Levine (Portlandia, Levine Large Web Series) visits the Funhouse.Recorded Sep. 12, 2015 in the new Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Kristine Levine (@Kristinelevine), Chad Shank ( @hdfatty), Sam Wollaston (@samwollaston), Bingo (@bingobingaman), and Ggreg Chaille ( @gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Doug's UK TOUR MERCH - http://bit.ly/1KQLuVBDonate to Chaille here. I appreciate it and anything helps.LINKS -Levine Large Podcast  - http://apple.co/1PZWvEoClosing Song, "Song" from Mishka Shubaly's new album COWARD'S PATH. Available now at DougStanhope.com and on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Oh, yeah, that's right. You have that fucking big news. Yeah. All right. Well, I want to get into it. Oh, I went down to Laura Kimball's funeral, and my family gave me a car, and Andy jerks off in it. Yeah, no, Andy said he didn't jerk off in your car. He did.

I know he did. I inspected the fucking tissues. She's got boys. She's got boys. She knows what's going on. Christine Levine, who's here on the Doug Stanhope podcast. Mamu, as we call her. Christine Levine, as you can find her at Christine with a K Levine on Twitter. One of my favorite comics of all time.

You're okay, too. You're good. The one that I... It's one of those... We've got to get her fucking on a DVD. Or at least even CD. I'll even settle for CD now. Recorded.

What do they even call them now? An album or recording? I don't even know the name technology has gotten so far. I think it's always an album. But yeah, that would be a record album. But I think it's still an album that still works for all around. It's just an MP3 album. I just need a recording now.

You've got to get a recording. And everybody's doing them now, and there's no excuse for someone like me to not have. I know that. I know that. There's no reason why I shouldn't have that. Back in the, when my first three were done at the Houston Laugh Stop, because he was the first guy to just Mike the audience and have a dad recorder. And all you had to do is buy seven tapes for seven shows and then send it to a

guy who knows how to master it. You don't even need that anymore. And I know, I know kids that are just like, uh, we've been doing comedy for six months and I think it's time I had an album out. I just want to burn all my material.

I just want to get rid of all this. I'm like, yeah, because it sucks. You don't want it out there. Yeah, you don't want it. I get all these emails from young comics going, hey, check out my stuff. I'm just new. I'm just starting out. I know I stink.

And it's on YouTube. Why would you put that out there? What do you guys think? Ask your friends don't ask the general public when you stink absolutely not and then um until someone comes up to you and says listen i i'm a professional you really need to release this or your friends your peers in right right oh geez don't put that out i actually have i have my own open mic at home back in portland because we got a bubble of comedians coming up.

And nobody was telling them that they sucked. And it was awful. Because Portland is a very kind town. We're just like, oh, no, you're doing great. You just got to speak your truth. And as long as it doesn't piss anybody off. That's something I want to get to. Because let me say Chad Shankad shank is here and the

fucking whole uh podcast audience applauds and sam wollaston is here he's a journalist from the guardian uh from london he's over here hanging out in our uh jerk waterberg of Bisbee, Arizona. And I was talking to him about... I'll get into that later. Okay, okay. But I was saying great things about one of your bits, which I tried to explain to him and just destroyed your bit. It's about thing. And Greg Chaley, of course, making

the whole thing come together. And Andy Andrist is sleeping in a chair. He was before Chad Shank obscured his view. I talked to James Inman on the phone the other day, and I'm only saying this to point out the fact that I'm able to reach James Inman by telephone. What's your excuse? Oh, my God.

This was not in our notes. We did not discuss this. Did you talk to my publisher, Pennegan? Did you not run this by me? Ambush journalism. What say you, Sam Wollaston? Well, good day. I asked your fucking kid here,

the guy that does my interviews with me. Yes. Nico Prada. Yes, Nico. I asked him and Andy. I go, Andy did two podcasts in a row, fucking crushing. And then I go, so where can we find your dates? And they both went,

where's Damien's at the supermarket? I gave you the dates. Eventually, the fact that no one has any idea where your tour is going. We don't know shit. We don't know anything. I know. I know. And I don't have a working phone.

And I know that that's bad. But I like to think of it as between carriers right now. And I know that that's bad, but I like to think of it as between carriers right now. Well, you said to me on the phone after you emailed me with this cryptic, we're coming, we're not coming. It was just the way you phrased it. I couldn't tell if you were saying you were coming down or you're not coming down. But I couldn't call you because your phone is disconnected. So I call Andy, which that's your go-to guy.

That's your first link in chinese telephone you want to get a message to people correctly and accurately and he said uh well i got you on his phone and you said yeah i couldn't afford the 385 a month that's right ver. Verizon. The fucking who? Verizon? Did you? Hold on. Hold on. There's something to it here. She's got kids. Yeah.

Are you paying for everyone? I did have. I had my husband and me and then my two kids, the boys on it. But when we've had Verizon for nine years and we have a lot of that, a big data plan or whatever. And somehow it just kept going. It kept going over and getting more and more and more. Data. Yeah.

And so finally we just said, okay, we're going to pay off this last bill and then switch. But we're having a little trouble paying off a lot of bills because it was huge. Anyway, we'll pay it off and then I'll go and get like, I don't know, one of those like virtual. Burner phones. Yeah, I'll get a burner or something or some shit that gets put on that. This guy's from fucking London. He has a phone. Doesn't work. Oh, okay.

Ha-ha. Well, you need Chaley to figure it out for you. Where's your dates? You know where you're going tomorrow? No. I have no dates. I have nothing. He's currently open.

Probably you don't know where you're going either. Maybe you don't have a plane ticket home. The point is, yes, you can get a phone for like $25 a month so you can be reached for professional reasons. Anyway, James Inman has a phone. You do not. I just wanted to rub that in to open the conversation. Are you sure it's not his lady's phone?

It might be. This begs the question, how does James Inman have a phone? I didn't really call James Inman, but I think I could. Out the door? Yeah, you could, yeah. Open the windows? Part the curtains? So if you just had your own phone, you could-

You could do that just like- If your kids didn't have every one of them. They're all grown right now. Well, my youngest turned 18 yesterday. So you're free. This is like your 21st birthday. I know. Because your son's 18.

I'm smoking a cigarette and drinking wine. Fuck off. You can't tell me what to do anymore. I'm making barbecue like a motherfucker. They can't call you to complain. No, they can't call me to complain. They are texting me, though, because I'm on Wi-Fi here. And then so they're sending me pictures of their party and stuff.

But, yeah, I know. I'm done. I'm done. My youngest one, he's actually in college, and he's getting his GED. Not a GED, a diploma and his associate degree at the same time. He's in college getting a GED. Wow. He's dyslexic.

Working backwards. What a go-getter. Yeah, it's. A GED is when you quit school, you can get your high school equivalency if you pass a test that you would pass. General education diploma. I'm massively proud of mine because I think quitting school is the best thing I've ever done. None of my children graduated high school. None of them. They all did that.

So the kids, he used his GED to get into what college? He's at the community college right now, and then he's going to get his associate's degree. What's their mascot? Because I can put them on one of the screens. I don't know. I'll tell you. A sad clown.

That's probably. Anyway, I'm so proud of them. I've never had to throw a graduation party yet. So they're saving me money in the long run. Saved $50 in Domino's pizza and some pop. Kind of astray. Well, you're kind of in that Andy Andrus position where he used to blame his stay-at-home dad situation. No, you know what?

For me, it's not blame. Okay, so my husband left me for that lady he met on StarTrek.com because I was touring for a while. And then StarTrek.com got into it and this fucking Australian bitch ruined my game. So imagine Andy if he didn't have a wife to bring home the bacon, right? Yeah. So then I got fucked because my husband left me and i had to like stop touring and whatever i was i felt like i had some momentum happening there for a minute and then i had to stay home raise the kids whatever and then you know there's male comedians if they fucking take off on their

kids nobody talks shit about them they go okay that's fine you're the man you don't have to stay home with the kids but i have to fucking stay home with my kids because they already have, the other parent did fucking abandon them. He already took off on them. So I, I'm not resentful that I had to stay, but I had to stay. You sound like you're going to cry. Well, I'm, I'm, I don't want to be like, I'm excited because now I am doing what I want to do and I am doing what I want to do. And I'm doing that, um, that web series, Levine large. I'm making it a web series about me,

you know, raising fat kids. Cause my husband left me for a lady. He met on star trek.com. Well, that's not where your kids are fat, but no, they're fat.

Cause we're, we like macaroni. If I was a listener, that's what I would have heard. I know your story with your kids and your fatness and your fat kids and child molesters couldn't even lift them out of the window if they wanted to. Honestly, one of the most brilliant comic minds, Sam here, he works for the Guardian. So he has to take that well you you joke about things that are

and he brought up rape I go I don't have rape jokes really I had one chunk I had to dump because John Oliver did a bit that was so similar and hopefully no one watches that show and one day I can bring it back

about prison rape. That's fine in America and you can laugh. Even Jay Leno can make jokes. But other than that, I don't have rape jokes. He alluded to the rape trailer. We have a trailer here that someone labeled the rape trailer and it stuck.

Then someone sent me a t-shirt, which you haven't even seen. It just says rape trailer with a hitch on it. I was wearing it once. I was wearing it once and I didn't remember because I wear clothes for days at a time. And I ventured out to the farmer's market with all the locals, the salt of the earth people, let's say. And then I realized, oh, shit, I'm wearing a rape trailer T-shirt at the farmer's market. And the poncho guy wasn't there. But I said to Sam.

Yeah, but that's different. Calling something a rape trailer here is different from doing rape jokes in a routine, isn't it? Yeah, being out in public. Yeah, but I don't do rape jokes. You said, well, you... What about the time you pissed off the whole of Ireland because you got thrown out of it? That wasn't...

They boiled that headline. I explained that entire bit to you. I know, but then I could see quite clearly how they got to that headline after you've explained it to me. It was a completely legitimate rape joke. No, it was an ugly women joke. Or ugly people joke.

I just... I'm a heterosexual. Well, I'm a gay. I'm openly gay. But I have this heterosexual thing I have to hide behind for acceptance. Sorry, in my act I always come out as gay all the time or different. Point being.

Wasn't that right after you raped a football player? No, that was years ago in Ireland. There was some big case where a pedophile, as they labeled him, was released on a technicality. And the entire country, while they were at Kilkenny, was up in arms, literally taking to the streets with protest signs. They're not anywhere even near where it happened, but they're out protesting. And it was a statutory rape thing where she was in a pub,

and this is to the best of my recollection, she was in a pub, and this is to the best of my recollection. She was in a pub, and so he assumed she was of age, but she was underage. She's still fucking old enough to be served in a pub. It wasn't fucking some seven-year-old. Right. Yeah. so I was saying that if I, like I look around at your women and having heard this story, I would be more confused as to what species they are than how old they are.

That would be my first question. If I woke up next to one of your local women in a hangover, I would not say, how old is she? I would say, how long can one of these live? So they boiled that down to a headline. There's no rape in that joke.

That's ugly women. Which is obviously fine. Ugly women jokes is okay, isn't it? Ugly people. What are the ugly women jokes? Well, they are. I was saying they're the ugliest people in the world. I say that every time I go to the UK.

I talk about the not-headed fucking English, whatever, UK, British. That's fine in England, but you did single out women. Well, that's because that's what the story was about. It's about a man who fucked a woman that was underage and i said that the women i found to be horrifically unattractive ugly as shit to the point where you don't even think they're the same species i don't i did not ever infer nor did anyone ever take that as saying the men are really good looking. So we should have read in – you just meant ugly people, so that's okay.

Well, yeah. That's like saying if you say you stupid woman to someone, you mean you stupid people, isn't it? No, because women, if you're talking about someone specifically, if as a man, I were in the same shoes as that man that was tricked into having sex with someone you thought was of age,

but was in a bar under age. Yes. I would say what species is this? Because all of you people are fucking ugly, is what I was saying. If they were like two men that had fucked, and the same statutory case had come up. But then you said, Christine...

I see where you switch to analytical that's almost a trained behavior in this. He's a journalist. He's embedded. When you're laughing, you don't go through that process. When you're actually hanging out with people that you consider friends or as me as a...

As in what? An audience in... An audience. Kilkenny, that you're friends in Kilkenny. Yes, when I'm on stage, that's how I'm talking to people. The same way I talk to my friends generally. I feel left out because I don't know what you guys do.

But I didn't know there was rules on what you could make fun of. Yes, there are fucking rules. Really? Oh, yes. Sometimes they've changed that. Wouldn't it be arbitrary to who gets their feelings hurt then? Hang on. We're it be arbitrary to who gets their feelings hurt then? Hang on. We're segueing back to Christine because as we're having this conversation,

I was saying that Christine has a bit that should be pivotal in the conversation of the whole rape joke scandal, as it were, the internal hubbub and comedy that's been going on for, what, a year and a half now? Yes, I do that bit in Portland and nobody will laugh. Nope. They used to. I know. That's what I mean. Portland has changed. The environment has changed. I'm from Portland, obviously.

I'm feeling Portland is good. Yeah, yeah. The whole... But everything has changed about what you can say and how you say it. And, oh, God. The basis of the bit is why is it because you can be charged with raping a woman if she's drunk. Right.

Right. And she made the analogy that why is it that I can get it's not it's my fault. I'm drunk. If I get a DUI alright that's me I chose to drink you didn't know what no one says you didn't know what you were doing honey

you're a victim of drunk driving the car was talking sexy to you right I'm not going to make you do the bit but then so then but if I get drunk on my own volition and a man fucks me, now I can ruin his life if I want.

How the fuck does that work? I guess it's okay. I mean, as long as the law is saying I'm stupid, I'm cool. That's good. Why can't I get out of a DUI with that same fucking logic? That's a legitimate argument. I like it. I love your furrowed brow right now

but right no but i can't see that i can't see that a car and someone driving i'm saying you're drinking if you are on your own volition getting fucked up i'm not talking about somebody drugging you i'm saying that way women have to take responsibility for our actions and where we're at and what we're doing and we we oftentimes don't, especially young women. And then when I do this bit, sometimes women will crawl out of woodwork and be like, you're victim blaming. I'm like, no, I have fucking children. And when it's cold outside, I tell them to put on a coat.

It's just common sense. I haven't been raped since 1993. Know why? Because I don't get fucked up around losers anymore. Bingo was soft rapedraped by our drug dealer when we first moved here. I don't even want to know what's wrong. It's different degrees of rape.

There's hard rape. It's like a guy breaks in your house and you don't know him. And things aren't... You know, you don't die, maybe. That's a tough... I just need to move to Portland now. Ah! Bingo, when she, poorly medicated Bingo, when we first moved here, we met a guy who sold mushrooms.

He's an old man with a beard. If you want to jump in at any time, Bingo, please do. He's a drum circle type guy. You know the old guy in The Simpsons with the long white beard? You look out the window, that's a paddling. Yep, that's a pad circle type guy. You know the old guy in The Simpsons with the long white beard? You look out the window, that's a paddling. Yep, that's a paddling, yeah. Looked like that. And he's an old hippie, and he did drum circles,

and he had a thing out in a neighboring town, a farm of some kind. Yeah. Where he had mushrooms. So we went out, and bingo, shaved, bald-headed headed still a little bit loopy trying to get back into society she loved him she i love that guy he's so nice and cute and looks like a cute old man and he said uh hey we do a drum circle on whatever night if you want to come and she goes i'm gonna go out on my own for the first time and she went out to his farm, and he said he did massage, and Bingo used to do massage. That's when I met her.

She was doing massage. I met her at a show, and I scheduled a massage for the next day as an easy way to next step forward. And so they, oh, well, I'll give you a massage. And so they, oh, well, I'll give you a massage. And so he gave her a massage. And as it went to her groin and penetrated her with his digits, she froze completely. And she couldn't say anything. She went into a catatonic state, basically. Yeah.

And at some point before he could complete any act she she broke out of it and said oh i have to go there's a barbecue now it was that rape uh yeah i mean yeah and he's taking advantage of mental illness as well he doesn't know her condition he doesn't know well but even if he did i mean so that... That's why we coined it soft rape. Yeah. As a boyfriend, I'm supposed to be the guy that's angry. I'm surprised she went to a barbecue and not to the police.

She should have gone to the police. But when did she say no? She never said no. No. You know what I mean? When this guy put... Whatever he did to her. But she didn't do this. She didn't want it to happen. When this guy put whatever he did to her. But she didn't do this.

She didn't say no. He was assuming. He really thought. I had seen him in the hardware store after we had first been out there. And I said, oh, Bingo loves you. She thinks you're great. And he took it as, oh, this girl has the hots for you. And you're an old man, lonely out in a farm.

And you think some girl likes me. And he thought he was, he did what we would have done at 21 or 17. Oh, I'll go for a third base. No. And she didn't say no. Well,

I mean, again, I'm the guy that's supposed to be the one that's going, you fuck my girlfriend, you fuck with my girlfriend. There's no doubt that he's predatory, that he fucking, you know, was like, massage, like, who does that? I mean, he's cheesy, yeah. He's delusional.

Right. So you're almost blaming mentally ill people for taking advantage of mentally ill people. Also, you don't want to fuck up your only mushroom connection for a soft rape. I mean, he took his rings off. I remember the first time we went there, him talking about a girlfriend, and she went off to whatever slab city or something and I think it might be over because

she hasn't called in several months I haven't heard from her he was that delusional that you haven't talked to your girlfriend in several months so it might be over but again he seemed like the most harmless man in the world. That's not mentally ill.

That's just being obviously a bit stupid. Okay. He's a bit stupid. Yes. Beautiful. I'm glad you went there. At what point? Because just like dwarfs are...

No, no, no. Hold on. I'm glad we went to dwarfs. I'm glad you let me finish my sentence before you furrowed your brow and rolled your eyes. There is a medical definition. There's a height at four foot something. You're technically... 4'11".

A dwarf or a little person or whatever the medical term is. And after that, you're just short. Dwarf is okay, I think. Yes. Okay, whatever it is, there is a line. There's a high watermark. Threshold. Where medically they say, okay, now you're just short.

If you're higher than this, you're short. So at what point do stupid people... There's an IQ rating between however you say developmentally disabled and stupid. So at some point you can say, oh, fuck with that guy. He's just stupid. He's not quite retarded yet. And that's basically what you're coming at me with is, oh, he's just stupid. He's not mentally, he's del me with. He's just stupid. He's not mentally...

He's delusional. There is no line. I mean, there is no line in that case, whereas there is with the height thing. There is with an IQ rating. There should be... No, with an IQ rating... It's easier to measure, I think, when it's...

But I'm saying, why is it okay for you to say, well, he's just stupid? He's not mentally ill. He gets no fucking safe quarter. He's stupid. At what point do stupid people... Yeah, don't make us defend this motherfucker. We don't want to do that.

But we're having to. Jesus. Why are you even defending him? What? If I didn't believe... Everything in my soul wanted to defend my girlfriend, where she will even say, yeah,

she couldn't say anything. She froze up and he didn't know the difference. Like the guy was not a bad person. I think soft rape is appropriate. Yeah. I like where you landed with the term, not as an activity. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. I didn soft rape is appropriate. Yeah. I like where you landed with that. It's a term, not as an activity. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I didn't mean

it. Not as a thing to do. Bingo is not psychologically traumatized by this. Yeah, Bingo, do you feel like he hurt you? I mean, do you feel hurt by that? Do you deal with it? Did you discuss it in therapy?

Get over here. Come around. Come around this side. No. Okay. Just point that down. I don't know if I felt hurt. I mean, it was something that I had to deal with.

It was fucked up. Yes. But I don't... I know what happened. I was there. I don't necessarily feel taken advantage of maybe maybe people would have noticed that i was not okay with it but i could not speak i was just frozen right so yeah it was fucked up if you weren't into it you were taking advantage of it but he didn't know he didn't know that he he didn't he couldn't have known that you. Have you ever had a one-night stand where the next day the girl was like,

oh, jeez, I can't believe I did that? When I was young, every time I got laid, it was both parties were fucked up. Yeah, you've made mistakes before. You're like, I can't believe I did that when I was drunk. And she's going, oh, Jesus. I must have been so drunk. This guy is still staying here. He was waiting for breakfast.

We did have one creepy, creepy motherfucker in Portland who was one of those teetotaling AA guys. And he would buy female comedians lots of beer and booze and get them just blackout shithouse drunk and then videotape, or not videotape, look how old I am, you know, record them on the phone sucking his dick, and he's sober.

And then that was like, okay, you're raping these girls. Stop it. Like, it is their fault. You know, like I say, like, you take care of yourself for fuck's sake, but you've got this guy that you trust. He's another comic and he's okay, but he's buying you booze and he's sober. I'm saying to drunk people that fuck, that's not right.

But in a lot of our laws, uh, every single day, the law is biased towards women for a reason because men don't get raped. Not as much. And, and, and women are,

you know, let's face it, we're weak and dumb because we can't do it. There is that attitude. That's what I mean. When it comes to teachers fucking kids. Yes, there's a double standard. If it's a male teacher fucking a female student.

Yes. It's rape, but if it's a hot chick teacher, we all laugh about it. Yeah, it's a joke. They go to prison. I mean, I don't know what it is. They go to prison for a little bit. The populace goes, where's that teacher when I was that age?

Do they? Yes. Over here they do. Not in your office. They don't go to jail for nearly as long. They definitely get the tap on the wrist. They don't really get it. Hot female teachers. Yeah. It obviously doesn't happen as much, but tap on the wrist. They don't really get it. Hot female teachers.

It obviously doesn't happen as much, but when it does, they go to jail. Yeah, in fact, when I worked at a radio show, we had a segment called Hot for Teacher. And it was all those female, 17-year-old students, 23-year-old hot teacher. The bottom line to this argument... I think there's a difference between hot teacher

and teachers. No, they're always cold. The bottom line to this argument... I think there's a difference between a hot teacher and a teacher who hates the student. No, they're always called rapes because the position of power, the teacher's always in the position of power and the student is always... It's never not a rape. It's always a rape. I guess so. If I was 16 and some of these teachers that are on the news, I'm the same way as Sam.

Where was that fucking teacher? I wouldn't have called it rape. I wouldn't have told anybody. I would have told everybody and high-fived, but we didn't have the technology to... Yeah. I was trying to fuck everything when I was 14 years old. Fucking sandwiches and people and everything.

And even like that big case out of Seattle, Mary Kayla Tornow, who's now married to the boy that she molested. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, that anniversary just came up. Jesus, they've been together. How long? Ten years?

And they've got a bunch of kids. Every one of us are products of pedophiles. Yeah. And rape. Yeah, they make the world go round. Go through your lineage and find, yeah, your great-great-grandpa came back from the war at 22 with one leg and married your fucking 13-year-old cousin and no one, yeah. We keep raising the age of what's an adult because we keep people stupid longer.

stupid longer so the the old expression old enough to bleed was it like a a stupid frat guy thing to say but no if your child if nature has developed your child ready to produce offspring by that time you should have trained them the ways of the world to how to avoid it. You don't say, oh, you don't do that till you're 18. Ignore those feelings. Right. Because, yeah. And to say that a girl student is stupid and fragile, a male teacher fucked her where, you know, at 14, I would have fucked this shit out of my teacher. She wouldn't

have had to really coerce me whatsoever. I'm talking from personal experience. By the way, just feel free to be disagreeable and we're going right back to friendly right after this is over. We're going to get a lot of mail. I feel like we're going to

get some mail. I'd like to say that my daughter made it to 18 without getting like nothing happened to my kids i'm so happy they weren't fucking molested they weren't like sexually active they've all like maintained i don't know they waited till they were 18 or adults and handled their shit right. That's good. A lot of this shit is in my book about the way I was raised by my mother, who was, like most parents, ill-equipped to raise a kid. When you look back at how stupid you were in your 30s, and you go, wow, I could have had a kid when I was 18 or 16. I did.

The first time I got late, I was 13 years old and the girl told her mom that she thought she was pregnant right afterwards. So her mom and my mom, we all had to go to lunch and talk about it. That she wasn't? No. Do you have any stories like that?

First of all, Sam, you just turned 50 and you have a one and a half year old? Yeah. Wow. That's going to... I think I was starting at the right time.

That's like people who are in their 70s who put political signs in their yard still and haven't figured out that it's all a scam. It's actually not at all alike, but it's a great point. Yeah. But, Sam, it's so funny. You are probably, yeah, a 50, a much better parent to your child than you would have been if you had them younger. Because I know that I'm 45 now, and I would have been a much better parent. Like, I would have, I was a good mom, but I would have been even better if I had them later. But then I wouldn't have this all this great shit happening now, so whatever.

How much did that, let's say late baby or late in your life, has that turned your points of view at all? Do you think of things differently? I do a little bit, yeah. Is it a daughter? I'm just curious. I have two sons. All right.

Lucky. Yeah, it sons. All right. Lucky. Yeah, it's made me more, it's made me think about things more. I think I've become more, more boring. All right. More responsible. Yeah, kids will make you

a real snooze fest. That's true. Yeah, I think they do. Yeah. Unless you decide not to change at all and just tell your kids the truth about everything and then fuck them all up like I did.

That's what I did. You ever try that? Not yet. I just told my kids the truth. I did tell my kids the truth about pretty much everything. I taught my kids how to do drugs. Not taught them how to do drugs, but I was like, okay, here's how to do drugs. We didn't try to scare them.

We taught my mother how to do drugs like and we didn't try to scare we taught my mother how to do drugs as she aged yeah yeah i didn't try to scare him or anything but like my son has taken uh psychedelics and i totally support that and smoke pot and like i don't know they just they're educated they know they're not going to ever die of a drug overdose because i told them what to watch out for. Lime. Sorry. It's okay. You're asking for a lot. I think I shit. Well, I think as the cocktails flow,

well, yeah, we can get back to heated, but I think I stepped on the dick of your new web series. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're filming in November.

Levine large. It's just a show about my, me living my life and working at the porn store and uh raising the chubby kids and going through that shit and why i got a job at the porn store and all the fucking characters how many times have you done portlandia um every year this is my sixth season on it now i just got the call i'm doing reoccurring character yeah yeah i played christine the swinger oh that's what you're. Oh, that's it. You're doing a... You already did, or you're doing... No, no. I'm going to go back

to Portland. That's, like, I'm going to go home and then go right to the set. Yeah, Portland, yes. To film a scene with, or an episode with Louis C.K.? Yes. Nice. Mm-hmm. And Steve Buscemi's going to direct me again. He's so nice.

He's so nice. He's so nice. I guess you wouldn't, you know, kind of be that guy and be an asshole. Your character, are you guys still in the tiny house? I don't know. I haven't seen the script yet, so I don't know anything about it. If we're still humping in the tiny house or if we moved on or what. But I can't wait. That guy that I work with who plays my husband, he's the guy that wrote the movie Falling Down.

Oh, nice. Oh, really? Yeah. And sometimes, like, he's the guy that wrote the movie Falling Down. Oh, nice. Oh, really? Yeah. And sometimes he has never mentioned it and I've never mentioned it. But sometimes I like to say, you know, you ever just feel like taking a bath to stuff and just get crazy? You ever just feel like wigging out? He's like, nope, I never. He never bats an eyelash.

He never says anything to me. I'm just trying to break him. I just want him to tell me. I know it's you. I know you wrote that fucking movie. Chad Shank is a real life falling down. Yeah. Oh.

Where's your bat? He's got it. But I wrote tire beater on it in case the cops asked me what it is. But no, I just fell into this. Like I got lucky. My friend, uh, Jessa, her project, she was, she had all this money for this project that she was going to do and it fucking fell apart in her face. And I was like, it's the best thing that ever happened to me. Cause then she called me, she goes, I can't get that out of my head. She used to be a tweaker. This woman is so badass. She was a tweaker.

She pulled out all of her teeth and then broke into a dentist's office and made her own fucking teeth and nailed them into her head. You want to talk to this woman. She's amazing. She makes people very productive. Methamphetamine. Yeah. That's how we're going to beat the Chinese. She's amazing, and she's very, very funny in her own right.

You just giggled. Without processing, Chinese is disrespectful of a race. You don't nail teeth into your head. Well, she shoved them up there. She made them, and she shoved them into her soft gums and carried them around. She went like that for two years. Anyway, and then she got clean and then, uh,

and she was a comedian. She was a comedian. And then she got hooked on meth and then she spent 10 years doing that. And then she, um, quit. And then she, so anyway,

she's extraordinarily funny, very, very talented. And I'm so blessed to have her like come back to me and be like, I can't get this out of my head. I want to play the tweaker. Can I play the tweaker? And I was like,

fuck yeah, you can play the tweaker. Of course, you already know how to cluck. You know how to do all of it. So, anyway, so she took this money and she said, let's do this. So we're doing it ourselves and just hopefully maybe someone will like it. I don't know. And this starts when?

We'll start filming in November and we'll probably have it released by March. That's our goal. Well, we'll have you back on the podcast. We'll be sure to have you back. You can see. Promote that. Jot that down on your calendars. You heard it here first.

I don't even want to take a break. I just don't know where we're going, so we should. Yeah. Just do that, and then we can come back and do Police Beat. Oh, yeah. We have a developmentally disabled funny police beat this week. I was going to say retardedly funny, but I was just being politically correct. My mistake.

Yes. You know how your grandma still says the N-word? I'm that way. We just had this conversation. With retarded. I am not giving it up. I'm going to be the old woman that still says retarded. I was telling him.

I can't let it go. I have given up saying faggot on stage. Yeah, I won't say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't know why. Retarded is the opposite of advanced. I need it. Well, this is a bit I'm doing in the UK, so I don't want to burn it now.

There's a whole Facebook thing. I'm terrified Sam's going to turn on me and fucking put all of my punchlines of my fucking act I'm coming out to in The Guardian. Okay, so coming up next is Police Beat. They wouldn't recognize him as... In the Guardian. Okay, so coming up next is Police Beat. They wouldn't recognize him as... Police Beat in the local paper. They have the...

On the back page. The only reason people buy the weekly local paper is to read the Police Beat. And it's all the cornball shit that people have actually called the police. Okay. He shouldn't read it because... There you go.

Chad's going to read it. Oh, yeah, don't read that one. You'll hear it live. We'll take a break and get a cocktail, and we'll be right back after these messages that we haven't recorded yet. Great news, kids. The Much Neglected merch page on my Much Neglected website has been taken over by Greg Chaley. So we have tour t-shirts,

podcast t-shirts. We have pop off vodka presents, t-shirts, get them before we get sued before we get the cease and desist and a whole shitload of, uh, CDs and DVDs that span a lifetime, a sad,

tragic, bloated lifetime of my fucking horrible thoughts and pontifications. So help me get that shit out of my crawl space. Hey, if you're coming to Bisbee and a lot of people tweet me that they are, if you're not a comic, I don't really pay that much attention. But if you are staying here the rule still stands if you're coming to bisbee stay at the shady dell if it's available and i will step away from my book and come have a beer with you even ichabod says yay on the shady dell the shady dell.com the shady dell.com it's a vintage trailer park

trailers done to the nines just like it's 1958 you're gonna love it i will come down i'll have cocktails with you i might maybe we burn a steak i don't know but stay there if you're in town and i'm in town i will see you there and now back to the podcast already in drudgery. This is bingo. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Did we walk, Sam? I'm scared to be. Right.

It would be weird if all of a sudden you weren't a guest after we went to break. I could have stolen milk in the hospital. That's what it would seem like, yeah. To Portland. He walked to Portland and fucked us down. I don't even care if he writes horrible shit, as long as it inspires him to write. I think you'll do that. He has to write about fucking British TV.

You know that he's now waking up a lot of mornings going, oh, where's my pen? It was quite funny. It was jolly. Hey, you didn't write my review. I got a jolly giggle. I got a jolly giggle out of that. It wasn't quite a romp. That's it.

I'm doing it for you. Look at me. If you know of any people in critical condition, let me know off to the side. Is that a show over there? No. I wish that my Living Large show could be in the UK. I would rather it got produced over there than here because I think that, uh,

like the people that like people that listen to my podcast love like trashy American families more than we do. They just think we're so, we're so cute over there. They're like, Oh my goodness. What? Look at these crazy.

Yeah, you do. You, you could pull off a really actually funny and smart honey boo-boo. That's what I mean. That's what I'm talking about. You could be like really... Except you did it too late. Your fucking kids are grown. No, my kids on the show

are little. Not little, but they're... Oh, it's some... One of those dumb fucking hillbilly families. Yeah, it's done now. A reality show about horrible, obese, white trash people raising their obese, tiny child

to be JonBenet Ramsey. Kids having kids. A pageant. Who's JonBenet Ramsey? Oh, sorry. Yeah, all my references are dated. You're with me. You're my age.

Christine, what's your podcast? It's called Living Large. Oh, what's your podcast? It's called Levine Large. It's the same as the web series. Let's throw out some Twitter handles before we go to the police beat. At Christine Levine with a K. K and an E at the end. Yeah, if you can't figure that out. And Chad Shank, you know

and love, at HD Fatty. That should be mine. Let's trade. I want that one. I'm not sure I want to put mine. Yeah, you don't have to. You almost immediately started towing

the company line as soon as you get on this podcast where you're very gracious to me. And then I immediately went, I don't see why that's not rape. I'm at Sam Wollaston. Sam Wollaston. How brave of you. W-O-L-L-A-F-O-C-K. I don't know. E-S-T-O-N. Yeah.

Oh, Woolston. Wool-Arston. A-R-S-T-O-N. Really? It's so much like Sam Waterson. Who's that? Fuck you. Law and Order.

The DA from Law and Order. Sam Waterson? That's the name of this podcast. What's that? What's that with Doug Sando? Who are you anyway? The Killing Fields. The Killing Fields.

The Killing Fields? Yes. That's Sam Watterson. Oh, yeah. I remember that. Or my neighbor, Ellie's older brother. I'm a bit younger

than the Killing Fields, but I do remember. The movie, not the actual Killing Fields. He wasn't there. The movie, not the actual Killing Fields. He wasn't there. He was acting. Oh, yeah, Cambodia. And Law and Order.

Law and Order. Oh, yeah, and Law and Order. Okay. McCoy. Yeah, that's me. I'm him. The point is, your name was... I'm Sam Watterson.

Go to him. Do you have one of those check marks next to your name? What's that? Do you have a check mark? Verified on Twitter? No, I'm not. Oh, no one will find you then. Yeah, don't worry.

I don't have that. I don't have Wikipedia either. Oh, me neither. So you can't do the deck. If you were a comic, I would be busting your balls so badly right now, but you're not.

And you're British where manners are... What's a big word? You're a writer. Paramount. Paramount. I was going to say that too. Bam! I couldn't have written this book without Thesaurus.com. I don't know

any words. It's evident when I talk off the top of my head, and that's why I'm going to go right now. Breaking news, people! Here's Chad Shank exhaling a cloud of skunk smelling smoke with the Bisbee Police Beat. What's going on this week in Bisbee outside of skunk-smelling smoke with the Bisbee Police Beat.

What's going on this week in Bisbee outside of our zombie-proof gated walls of the Flophouse at 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona. 8-5-6-0-3. Send it to us. Yes, always. All right. That's going in my article. We're going to get some angry Guardian readers. I dare you

I dare the Guardian to headline the story with what happens at 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona 85603 I have no say on the headlines but I can very much put it in the copy alright

and with a link to Google Maps. Don't worry. I get that. They know how to get there. Yeah, they tweet the Google and it's always

outdated where you go, I had fucking metal palm trees since then. Get a Google Street View with the metal palm trees.

Which is great. By the way. I like it. Sam Wallerston, Arizona Cardinals fan. I made him pick. I have my teams in the British Premier League, or is it something else? Yeah. The English.

English Premier League. English Premier League. I like the sound of the Cardinals. They sounded vaguely holy. Yes. And as auely holy. Yes. And as a holy man. As a holy man. I'm sorry.

Chad Shank is out in the field getting stabbed to death or something. What's going on in the mean streets of Bisbee this week in the Bisbee police beat? I'm smoking crack. I mean, green crack with Reverend Derry. Oh, you meant in the police beat. I thought smoking crack. I mean, green crack with Reverend Derrick. Oh, you meant in the Belize beat. I thought you meant. Medicinally. For the record, if you have children listening, he's smoking it medicinally.

Green crack is the name of the weed. That is what they sell you. Wouldn't that be great if instead of Lipitor, you went to the pharmacy and they call it a massive blowjob? That's what we're selling. That's the medicinal marijuana that he's smoking right now is labeled green crack. He's had heroin before. Wouldn't that be more fun at a pharmacy? They need to get better about naming their drugs.

Instead of prednisone, it's – Diesel. Diesel. Happy baby fist. This is prescribed. Yes. That is medicinal marijuana that is labeled. We saved up the jars for a while here.

Every week he would announce what he was prescribed as a medicine. Heroin. I can't remember them all. I don't know. Brian's song. Brian's song. Oh, my God. This will make you want to kill yourself.

It's for depression. Okay, read the... What's going on? Hey, what's going on in the police beat, Chad? A woman from Allegra Place stated that her ex took her name off the vehicle she paid in part for. She wanted half of the vehicle back. I want half my vehicle back!

These are actual 911 calls. Okay, what else do you have out there? We're already feeling scared to even be living in this part of town. A welfare check was requested on a woman who was at the giant gas station on Bisbee Road. She was standing there, closing her eyes and appearing to fall asleep and asking weird questions, such as, what does the telephone have to do with a radio? That's a good goddamn question. I think that's one of Bingo's lyrics in one of your songs. Isn't that an Are You Amused?

Something like that? What does the have to do with a thing? Anyway, Chad, I'm sorry. It's often a personal conversation while you're out in the dangerous streets of Bisbee reporting live. It's hot out here. Someone threw what appeared to be animal guts on the steps of an office on Naco Highway. What was the office? They left out a detail.

What was the animal? Yeah. I got to know more. You know what? Come back to us in November. We'd love to have you back on and follow up on this story. Where's Naco Highway? That's where Safeway is.

Yeah. Going to Naco. You know the highway that goes to Naco? No, you take the left there. I would guess Border Patrol is the office. Right near the giant station. The giant office on Naco is Border Patrol. It could be Tacho's Tacos.

Maybe it was a delivery. They didn't have a box. It's a plastic bag band. Sorry. Usually we deliver your animal cuts for box. It's a plastic bag ban. Sorry, usually we deliver your animal cuts for your burritos in a plastic bag, but since they banned them, we just chuck

them on your stoop. We scoop them out of a... That's got to go in front of a lawyer. I don't think we have a lawyer in town. Who is it? Naco Highway, where Safeway is. I brought you to Safeway. I showed you all the sites.

I showed you Mornings Cafe, Safeway. I enjoyed my trip. Yeah, that was a nice time. This is a Mexican restaurant. Oh, Tacho's Tacos? Yes. Yes. We don't know the business.

I'm extrapolating. What could it be? Where could Flight 870 be? Right. You're Wolf Blitzer right now. I'm the guy. What could it be? Where could Flight 870 be? You're Wolf Blitzer right now. I'm the guy in the fake cockpit. Anyway, go ahead. Chad Shank. From Star Avenue, a man reported items missing.

A pet tortoise and some black and red bolt cutters. We have no pawn shop in Bisbee. Wow. I'm terrified. You get a pet tortoise and some black and red bolt cutters. You're like, I'm pawning this shit. Wait, there's no pawn shop in Bisbee. Motherfucker.

I'm going to have to let these things run rogue. Maybe there's just Satanists here and they're just into some weird shit. I don't know. This is crazy. This is not normal shit. I think the tortoise has something to do with it. Yeah, he used to be terrified. I'm Lester Holt.

We'll be right back with NBC Dateline. Did the tortoise have something to do? Was there something between the tortoise and the red bolt cutters? It sounds like an ill-prepared getaway. I think we're focusing on the bolt cutters when that was just used to free the tortoise. Clearly, yeah. Built a dungeon for the tortoise. Lived there for 29 years.

He had three kids with the tortoise. Sorry, I just watched the Netflix. Yeah. Fritzl, Joseph Fritzl. Oh, yeah, I saw that. I forgot that story, and there's a great Netflix documentary. Oh, it's amazing. Joseph Fritzl.

They talk to everybody. Story of a documentary. Oh, it's amazing. Joseph Fritzl. They talk to everybody. Story of a Monster, I think it's called. Who was he in the cellar? I don't know. He was the- The German guy. Yeah, his daughter in the cellar. Yeah, he was-

The German guy that kept the- The German guy. Another guy. Austrian. Austrian. Vienna. Austrian, sorry. Yeah, they're all the same to us since Hitler.

Whatever. He was Austrian, but we all- Germany gets shit on because of them. they're all the same to us since Hitler whatever he was Austrian but we all Germany gets shit on because of them they're all the same there's no perineum between Austria and Germany and the eyes of the Doug Stano podcast

have I had enough to drink let's keep going perineum that's the little the taint between the vagina and the anus of a woman that they cut when you impregnated and destroyed your girlfriend wife's whole

under section by having a baby a year and a half ago. That was the little part that kept the wrong hole from right hole to make big hole. I'd like to say my perineum is intact. Never. I squirted three babies out, never got cut.

Didn't feel a thing. Didn't know what was going on. Dug a hole. I could have been on that. I didn't know I was pregnant. My perineum is also intact. For the record. That should be your new web series. So it's not just a... Men have

paranyms too? Yes. It's that space. It's the space between. Medical term. My 600 pound McParrion. When you have the sex change that I'm prepared to have, that's what they cut open to tuck your

junk in. That's not what... I saw the surgery once. Maybe you're getting faces of death kind of era where there was some video where they try to keep the head of your dick

as a clitoris and cut open the... Anyway, I'm sorry. This is not happening at Bisbee. What is happening at Bisbee, Chad Shank? A husband on Temby Avenue reported that his wife was yelling and arguing with him.

Oh, I'm going to go. I'll go handle that. And you know what? Sam might have been making that call if his phone worked here. I would definitely be making that call. What is it? 911 here. Yes.

Yours is 999? Yeah, it's easier to remember. All right. Well, this is different for every country. Yeah, okay. I try to memorize them all in my spare time. Sit on Google. What else?

I think 911 works in England because young kids think it's 911. They watch American TV. And what happens when you dial 911? I'm going to dial 999 on my phone right now and see if i can have you arrested from bisbee from here i don't think it would work probably and then you could be in the bisbee water next week and say uh the guy called on the british guy didn't want to talk about rape anymore and i think we sound drunk chad let's uh get through this police beat. A caller reported

that vehicles were being sabotaged on Van Dyke Street with wires cut on the alternator. The caller did not ask for officer contact, just wanted to give the information. And I just wanted you to read that to see what kind of hell life

I live in this That's my street! There's only three blocks. I don't know why... We should be locking our doors all the time. No, no. You didn't cut your alternators? It was probably somebody staying in the rape trailer.

The other two blocks are shitty blocks. We're on the good block. Bad neighborhoods go by houses here if you haven't noticed. Walk the dogs tomorrow. I think you need to walk the dogs. Yeah, we did walk to breakfast. I did not point out the houses that are shitty.

I'm not going down there. To the next block. It looks awful down there. It's terrible. Build a wall is what I say Vote Trump Yeah Which you will do I will

Alright here's my Special alarm is ringing Just hand that to me Let's go to a slow close Go ahead. We have one more? Two more? I think we have three more.

I told you, it's a fucking banner week. Wow. On Head Start Way, a woman advised there was a black vehicle in front of her house with the driver door open and a white male inside with his hand going up and down. Yeah, I don't want that shit. That's some sketchy shit. I was out of town.

Yeah, next week's Police Beat with Andy in town should be spectacular. Nature Jack. It was a Nature Jack. What, that's not legal here? I know my rights. I know my rights. He's going gonna call Jay

a caller from OK Street stated that two male subjects at the top of the stairs by the Pima house were dangling what looked like a body over the outcropping police did not find anyone in the area and no one's reported missing so far as I know

and finally what's that? That sounds quite serious to me, I think. I think they should investigate that one. In a town of 5,500 people, everyone knows where everyone is. You just call. These are just, they're reporting the call that they got. The actual murders and stuff that take place don't get solved. This stuff is...

And there's never any follow-up. Maybe that was an actual murder, and they should have followed it up. There was a guy who was actually murdered a few months ago, and there's, like, nothing. Nobody knows anything in business. Actually, I think they recently put out a reward because there was no action on that. I think the family did that because they were pissed at the cops.

Yeah, I don't know. It seems like it would be a really bad decision to, in broad daylight, dangle a dead body over an outcropping. The police could probably get behind that one final scene. You can dangle shit

off of wherever. Dangle your whatever out of whatever window anytime. Moving your hand up and down. There's no video over here. And a good percentage of the people wouldn't be reported missing. Tell me when we get off the air, I want to know more about this murder because I'm really good at catching criminals. All right.

I know who did it. Yeah, I'll figure it out. Or I just want that guy arrested anyway. All right. I'll deal with that. I just want to blame him for it. All right. Meatwigs is giving you the last call sign of screaming.

I'm on the last one. Last story from the police beat. In Double Adobe, a man advised he fell and his artificial leg came off. He was also without oxygen. He added he was in the field behind his residence. So they knew where to find him because he's not going to move. You want us to bring oxygen or a leg? I don't know.

I don't have a coin to flip. Can you bring me a coin and I'll call you back? All right. Survival of the fittest. Thank you, Sam Wollaston and Chad Shank and Christine Levine, who you can find her on the road if you follow her at Twitter.

And Greg Chaley for making it all work. Thank you. And send your hate mail appropriately. Play the Matoid and listen to the whole thing and possibly hear some bonus footage. Yeah. I'm on my way to paradise I'm on my way to paradise. I'm on my way to paradise. I'm on my way to burn

I can see now This shit is just close enough All I need to know is how To stop it in the motherfucking place where the future is So I'm blowing that straw What a great, what a wonderful I'm blowing that straw

What a great, what a wonderful I'm blowing that straw What a great, what a wonderful I'm blowing that straw What a great, what a wonderful When you have to hold on tight Until forever I'm on my way to paradise I'm on my way to paradise. I'm on my way to paradise.

I'm on my way to Rome Where God burns You were the voice of reason. What did you say? I don't know. I don't know. I didn't have kind of good arguments. I think you did. You did? I think you did. This guy's hard to argue against. Yeah, I think't know. I didn't have good arguments against it. I think you did.

You did? This guy is hard to argue against. Yeah, I think you did. You presented the moral sense. More people will agree with you. What we're saying is rare. You didn't jeopardize your job. Absolutely not.

That's not what I'm worried about. I know. I know. I know what you're saying. Wait till you what I'm worried about. No, I know. I'm not worried about what I'm saying. Wait till you hear the advertisements that he records later to put in. That's what you should really worry about. You presented exactly what people, everybody would say to us. Like, that's normal.

That's totally normal. Every man for himself. And I think that that's what the audience is going to be. A lot of the audience is going to be. No, you'll get a lot of shit. No. From the killer termites. No, you'll get a lot of shit.

No. From the killer termites. But that's, again, for another part. Like, do you... Fuck it. Just in case it's good. Because I really want to know. Yeah, we're rolling. Hey, this is bonus footage, because as soon as we stop the podcast, then I start asking questions that I didn't think of.

But you, you do TV critique for The Guardian. And I know that as a comic, even as outlandish as the material might be to some people I will get shit for the most mediocre things like people will get upset where I'm you know between rape and abortion let's say I say diabetes as a segue and

someone goes my dad died from diabetes they only hear the word you don't have a position where you're not inflammatory. Not really. But you still get shit.

I get a lot of shit, yeah. I get an immense amount of shit for every piece I do, yeah. For people complaining about things that I've written, yeah. I get that. I tried to do a podcast. When he came in last night,

I had like a bunch of questions ready and the idea was to put him like right into the fire. He comes off a 14-hour flight with two changes or whatever and then a two-hour drive and sits down with a drink

and oh wait, here's a microphone in front of you. That's what happened, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, but I bailed on it because I don't have the heart to fuck with someone that's, like, already. It sounded funny in my head, but as soon as you sat down, I could see the road weary.

All right, this was funny in theory, but I can't do that to people. What were you going to do? Well, just read all those dumb questions I read, but do it like real serious. I couldn't do it. No, I get a lot of... Under my review, if you look

underneath, there's a lot of... Readers can say whatever they want about it. In the comment section. Oh, that was my point, is that in preparation for that, I was searching his... No one says, what a very well-written and researched and witty review you've written there, Sam.

I don't really get that kind of comment. Do you read the comments? And do they hurt your feelings? Yes, yes, yes. Really? Yeah. So you are kind of an inflammatory guy. No, no.

I read... Well, he's saying almost everybody disagrees. I know. But that's the problem that we have, too. Only the people that disagree with us are going to fucking get online and, like, be a bitch about it. People that agree with you are just, they don't say anything. They don't care. Sorry, I made the mistake of eating a cherry thinking I could go quickly off mic.

thinking I could go quickly off mic. But yeah, I read a bunch of reviews, and British TV, we've all agreed, is pretty mild. Yeah. So yeah, you wrote a review about a documentary about bears. Yeah, I did. And I read that, and I'm like, oh, God, fucking if anything, I hope I give you some inspiration to write negatively or not. Passionately, I think you want.

Passionately. Yeah, I was hoping you got fucking even more wound up. You're more interesting than those bears. They caught salmon. Thank you very much. But I know that just doing that, you have to get people that just you haters going to hate even at an elderly age where they have to shit on your critique of a documentary about albino bears.

And someone's probably called you a racist for it. Do I get that? No, I don't know. I didn't read the comments. Did you see that one? Oh my God. You didn't seem surprised at all.

Oh, God. Whoa. Do you remember any really attacking? Yeah, what's the worst one? Comment. Yeah. No, they're not. I mean, it's usually I can't believe anyone gets paid to write this shit.

That's kind of standard. Everybody thinks they can do your job. And yet they're reading it. I can't believe you're writing it, but you're reading it. Do you ever respond to them, or are you not supposed to? No, I'm probably supposed to more than they do, and actually if you do, then it's better that the debate becomes a bit, the level gets a bit higher.

You don't feel like it feeds the fire more? No, it just makes it like. I, at some, I think it was. I don't read comments. Forgive a fuck.

Some, I'll just say some comedian on a show where she, and I get death threats and i'm like everyone gets death threats it's it's the internet yeah i'll fucking kill you like it's yeah they all say it they all do it because these kids just don't have any it's not a it's a new generation they don't think that's real yeah in a not in a like i'm to be at your show. But yeah, what people call death threats as though they're a victim. Yeah, fuck you.

I hope you die. I'd fucking cut your throat if you were on fire. But people will extrapolate that as though it were an actual, I'm going to be at your show at the theater and there's dynamite under the stage and it's Black Sunday for everyone and people extrapolate those emails to promote like they're more important

than they are. Anyway, this is bonus footage that came on after we already played the Matoid. Hold on. No, we didn't. We didn't pick a song. I just kept it rolling. Remember that one time though that the the father of a gal who uh committed suicide and then had written to you or something i get a lot of suicide way more than you ever know you just you guys you get sent out to a fucking colonel kurtz kind of situation here but uh yeah he was uh his some guy's daughter committed suicide and when they did

he said forensics on her computer she was listening to my first bit of about suicide from i think die laughing right yeah um and life isn't for everybody right and i baited i'll go you know what how about maybe you're a fucking terrible father? I was just like, I had enough of this shit. And it was after a string of suicides from fans that had warned me they were going to kill themselves. And we were going to be in their town. Yeah. And not only that, let me, you know what? My best friend, Emily, waited till I was here with you to kill herself.

Oh, that's right. I was here with you to kill herself. Oh, that's right. We did it on purpose because she knew that I would be here with people who would know how to handle me and her, you know, would know how to take care of me in that situation. She knew that I would be okay. Yep. That's what we do. We pour out a 40 and we just keep walking. Yeah, that guy, he said, and then I went deep into his shit.

First of all, okay, wait, this is your stepdaughter. Wow. First of all, if I had the skills to be a hacker and I was that age where you're that young, I would be fucking some people's stuff up. But I'm just old. I'm just saying, the technology that you have... Oh, sorry. The technology that you have

now, when I was that bored of a young person and had all that time, when I was baiting pedophiles for that book that you don't know about... If it had been that easy. Yeah. So you would have done what? I would find people's shit

and fuck it up like hackers do like Anonymous does I love Anonymous they're so good and kind of righteous what's on to a comedian saying that this is what you did to my I didn't quite understand no I'm saying in that instance where that guy

came at me saying I was responsible for his kid's death because she listened. It was like the old – is it Iron Maiden or whoever? PRMC? It was the big lawsuit. Judas Priest. Judas Priest. Yeah, with Tipper Gore.

Just telling me like I've tried to talk people out of suicides and failed. And so I was pissed. And just with my limited knowledge of technology, I could find out everything about this guy and fucking ruin him. Like ruin his argument, destroy him just on a debate credibility. Yeah. And I'm like, I go,

you'll never do anything about this. I guarantee you, you will never do anything about this because you didn't really care about your stepdaughter. You're doing this for attention. And I did this whole fucking... Oh my God. Yeah. Never heard from him again. Actually, he poked him a couple more times. He probably blew his head off.

Hey, did you forget your fucking daughter? That's not even really your daughter, I found out. Jesus. Yeah. And that was only because i was personally provoked if i was just young and bored like in the old days of the beginning of the internet and i had any skills tech i would be i would be fucking anonymous so hardcore but now i'm just an old dude that would prefer to have a negroni and close the night out that's the bonus footage of the podcast podcast