The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #142: Chad's Triumphant Trip to LA and Doug's NYC/LA Book Tour

Episode Date: May 27, 2016

Chad Shank travels to Los Angeles, CA to meet up with Doug and Bingo during the NYC & LA Book Tour.Recorded May 24, 2016 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Bingo (@AmyBingoBingaman), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.   LINKS:   Unmasked with Ron Bennington - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jF6y8_eNecQ   ARI SHAFFIR – THIS IS NOT HAPPENING - http://www.cc.com/shows/this-is-not-happening   CHEETAHS IN HOLLYWOOD - http://www.cheetahsclubhollywood.com/ Kelly Carlin Podcast - http://thekellycarlinsite.com/waking/   Steve Rannazzisi - http://steverannazzisi.com/   Opening and Closing song, "Suck A Nigger Dick", by Three 6 Mafia. Available on iTunes.   Comedy Store Photos by Troy Conrad @TroyConrad.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon , Barnes & Noble  and at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Oh yeah, it's on that bitch. The Suck a Nigga Dick Part 2 for them hoes that white hate. Suck a nigga dick. Suck a nigga dick. Suck a nigga dick. Suck a nigga dick. Suck a nigga dick. Suck a nigga dick. Alright, we have a lot to cover after, uh,

what, uh, eight days of book tour in New York and Los Angeles. Chad Shank is here. Barely. We figured we were so wrecked this morning. We flew into Tucson late last night and, as always, stayed at a hotel. That was fucking fun, too. I don't even have that in my notes. Kelly, what's her last name?

The musician that lives up in Tucson. Carpenter showed up at the hotel. We're already wrecked. We spent the day at the Sky Club in LAX, and we were wrecked, get off the plane wrecked. Then Kelly comes over. Then some weird dude that was just walking his dog through the hotel. The djembe drum?

Troy, the dog Troy. The dog was Troy, and the dude was like Enzo. But for some reason, he had a giant bongo, and Kelly had a guitar. So we had a concert in the room. With the door open until four in the morning. And no one complained? No. No.

Management kept... Not to our knowledge. Management kept coming by and getting you lemons and limes. Oh, yeah. And drove you somewhere to get more liquor. Fernando kept driving me to the store when we'd run out of booze. You were gone for a while, then you go, Hey, he drove me to Walmart. He we'd run out of booze. You were gone for a while, then you go, hey, he drove me to Walmart.

He got a bottle of Ciroc. I asked him to take me to Circle K, and he's like, no, no, let's go to Walmart. Oh, that's where the Ciroc came from. I just found that bag unloading the car. I'm like, who had Ciroc? He took you bargain hunting. By the way, never buy Ciroc. It's fucking awful. He went in and helped me shop.

Yeah. Yeah. That's full service there at the Doubletree. That was great. We don't support the fucking Sean Combs over-marketed vodka. We're plastic jug through and through, and it's out of spite for Ciroc specifically. I grabbed the cheapest bottle of vodka on the shelf. It was $14 for that big bottle, and it was none cheaper.

That's good. Bingo just showed up. Chaley's here. Bingo just showed up. Hello. Gretchen and Shawnee are here. Tracy's here. Derek Vermeer is here.

Someone tweeted a very funny Kenny Vermeer tweet at me, but it was Kenny Vermeer, but it was Kenny G. It's very funny. And then someone tried to reply by going, well, Derek's looking pretty good too, and I think his name's Derek Rose or something. He's a basketball player, but they didn't put the graphic on it. You lazy fuck.

Yeah, yeah. So that's how... Let's not start at the end. I'm going to try to do this. Is there a beginning? Well, we were in New York, and before you got there, Bingo and I... And I don't have... I don't remember great stories.

It was great. We did a book signing at Barnes & Noble. Your first one ever. First one ever. It went so smooth. Yeah, it was great. I watched it on Periscope and I thought it was great. Adrienne LeBlanc.

Adrienne LeBlanc did the Q&A. She was wonderful. Yeah, it was fun. It's a fucking huge place. It's a four-story bookstore. Barnes & Noble. Yeah, Barnes & Noble. Union Square. Yeah, it was fun. It's a fucking huge place. Four-story bookstore. Barnes & Noble. Yeah, Barnes & Noble. Union Square.

Yeah, Union Square. We had cocktails, got a little tanked, had fun. We ran up some miraculous bar tabs on this trip. Oh, yeah, we did. You know, you're getting $100 a day per diem. I go, great. You're getting $100 a day per diem. I go, great. That covered half of the early bar tab when we were just day drinking a lube up to get to drinking.

Hannigan told me that you guys, after, when you came back to the hotel, you did like a nightcap. And you did two tequila sodas. Oh, that was him at his hotel with his gal pal. $60 without the tip. Without tip. I went across. Two sodas. Oh, that was him at his hotel with his gal pal. $60 without the tip. Without tip. We landed at like midnight and I ran across the street to get one drink for last call and I got

an old-fashioned because it was a fancy bar and I'll make you work for it. I got an old-fashioned $23. And that was cheap for New York. I go, okay, that's enough. You should have found you a Fernando so I had to wake up and do Opium Jimmy

which is always fucking fun Jimmy Norton is so fucking funny off the cuff at that hour of the morning all I am is angry at anyone and he just riffs At that hour of the morning, all I am is angry at anyone.

And he just riffs. They're just so much fun to do. Sherrod was on the show. I did that. It was a serious radio. So I had to go right from that to Pete Dominick and then right from that to Ron Bennington, who I fucking love. I love that dude. I wish I could talk to him more.

to Ron Bennington, who I fucking love. I love that dude. I wish I could talk to him more. It's the first time I did a show, and I had a full-blown panic attack for I have no idea what reason. That's so strange. I know. I pounded a Red Bull right before it,

thinking I've got to do interviews all day. Yeah, I'd rather do meth than Red Bull just because it seems healthier. Red Bull is fucking awful. That happened before you did the show or after you started on the show? I did that right before the Pete Dominick show, so it's kicking in when I get there. And I have the raw alcoholic shakes anyway.

I try to avoid caffeine in the morning. But it was more than just the shakes. I couldn't focus. I try to avoid caffeine in the morning. But it was more than just the shakes. I had just, I couldn't focus. It was exactly like city council where I went up and I got through it. I thought it was more visible than it was because no one really said anything about it. But Ron Bennington on the way out said, just stay healthy and try to hydrate. He doesn't know me well enough to go, hey, you fucking rummy.

But it was very strange. But I recovered. So that was just a bunch of radio and shit and hiding in New York. I didn't get to see anyone. Atel came to the book signing after it was over, but I got to see Attell for a minute, and that was good. But Joe Vernon, I don't have time. I'm scheduled morning to night. Keith and the girl, we had to do.

Oh, man. They have a great podcast, and every time I do it, I get a lot of feedback. And I guess it's relationship-oriented, but... I didn't know that. That's a straight-up podcast, right? Yeah, yeah. It's not radio.

They've been going since... They were at the forefront of podcasting. Canada, especially, people will come up, Oh, I heard John Keith and the girl. come up oh i heard john keith and the girl and uh brian at one point adrian leblanc who did the q a came in to meet us for drinks one of the first nights and said uh oh so uh i uh so congratulations you're in love and he's like no no i go oh don't ever talk to... Brian doesn't want me to know that shit, and I don't want to know that shit. I'll step out for a cigarette,

and we did Keith and the Girl, and Keith and the Girl kind of hijacked us. We're there to promote a book, but they immediately went to Bingo and the cruise ship. Well, I wasn't on air at first. I was just sitting in the background. Yeah, they brought you in. And you were talking about the book for a little bit,

but then they said, Bingo, can you get on the mic? And then they just went complete relationship material. Completely into the whole cruise ship, washed up Willie. Yeah. You don't fuck. It seemed out of place, but like you were saying, we put it out there. I saying, we put it out there.

I know. We put it out there. That's the thing. After this had happened, Brian Hennigan says, I was a little bit peeved with Adrian for talking about my personal business. And I go, well, no one would think that's personal business except you.

If you're in love with someone, you want to tell everyone so she wouldn't think that's a secret but i said i've felt the same way on keith and the girl like they kind of you kind of dug into my personal business but it's not personal business because we podcasted the entire event live as it happened but i still felt a little kind of like, that's not your business, but it is. It's everyone's business. I made it that way.

I think it'd be fair to say, let's give you some warning, though. We're going to talk about it. No, no, no. Would we do that for a guest of ours? No. We don't do it. But you were there to talk your personal business.

It's in the fucking book that you're promoting for them to jump the rails and then go off in another direction yeah not but it did give me some kind of you know a different outlook on all right yeah you put this out there everyone owns it so yeah and then they started asking bingo questions and she's answering like honestly and very deeply personal level and I go honey you save this shit for Stern let them

pry it out of you you don't just give it out on a plate on a fucking podcast you save this shit for Stern we have loyalty so New York was quick and painless for what it usually is weren't smooth and it was quick you guys weren't there for very long it's a couple days because then you had to go to la and then we yeah we went to la and that's where it got crazy because

chad shank was in the house chad shank he weren't there the first day I had to do I did Marin, which I always think he hates me. I still think he hates me. That was Friday morning. Yeah, Friday morning. Yeah, yeah. Alright, here's the book. I haven't read it, but thanks for coming. He's great. I just, I always think that

he has, you know, he has a weird thing with everyone. He has yeah, yeah. One time he, you know, his whole thing is apologizing, trying to make peace with people that he had a grudge against. But I don't know what, I assume he must have a grudge with me too, but he doesn't tell me what it is.

He's not ready to make peace with you yet. It's probably all in my head, but it's nice tell me what it is. He's not ready to make peace with you yet. It's probably all in my head, but it's nice that he had me on. I met him at the comedy store the second night. Saturday night. He was there all weekend. Yeah.

He was there every night. He had Obama on and I was asking him on his podcast, after that this every guest you have just seemed like a letdown and he's like yeah not really i i talked to fuck i forget who the i said what was the next podcast afterwards he goes rich voss i love rich voss but after obama everyone sucks yeah so but he's always like he's he's not nick de paulo level of great at bitter but he's in he's in that genre that just

just brooding kind of dude uh so so we did marin and then what did we i don't know you called me drunk drinking with johnny depp when i was flying on saturday i remember that did you go up the street with the mimosa thing yeah it's the second day though yeah i got a i got a text message he goes good. And it's 7.25 in the morning when he sent it. And we woke up an hour later and I said, it is a good morning, but it'd be a better, just some gibberish,

but it'd be a better morning with pancakes. So I'm going to go try to find pancakes and then I sent him pictures of pancakes, but he's not getting back to me in our hotel. The sternal thing. Oh yeah, the night before. Oh, fuck.

See, this starts the night before. I don't even know if this is public knowledge yet. Oh, no, don't say it right now. Don't say it. Okay. Back to Saturday, then. Google it. Yeah, he said, are you in town?

I go, no, we're in New York we're on about to catch a flight we landed 8 30 at night he goes I'll be on my roof masturbating with sterno I guess we're gonna be fucking hanging with Johnny and then there was radio silence when we get home and then in the morning he did the good morning sir and then uh then we found out he had some bad news personally that i don't know if we'll bring up until she can find if it's public knowledge yet you need you need to not even mention that yeah i wouldn't say the bad news thing so sterno oh he's got great publicists. Anyway, so I'm texting him pictures of pancakes,

and he's not getting back to me. And I said, fuck it. We're at the Standard Hotel, which we'll get to, which is right at the foot of his street. So I go, fuck it. We're just going to walk up. Maybe I shouldn't mention that either. No, you shouldn't mention that either no you shouldn't there's tour buses that went up every two minutes yeah yeah public knowledge i'm sure

yeah it's public knowledge so i go we're just i said fuck you we're on our way me and bingo are coming up in our pajamas with mimosas and we walk up the street which is like a fucking 90-degree angle street. And it's me and, oh, no, the next day it was me and Chad. Yeah. So this day, they. We got halfway up his street. He owns like almost every house on the street. Yeah.

And we got picked up by a golf cart. Yeah. Starling, one of his security guys, comes out in a golf cart as we're walking up. He goes, does he know you're coming? I go, I texted him that we're coming with mimosas and fuck you. But I don't know if he got the text. He goes, jump on the cart. He drove us up.

Into the gates. Yeah. We hung out and had mimosas for a while and it's fun as much fun as it could be and then at one point you left me um you had me talk to him alone yeah we can't get into any It was nice to see Johnny. Yeah. We did... What did we do after that? Chad showed up. We went to the comedy... Book soup signing.

After Marin that morning? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. We did the book soup, which is as opposed to Barnes & Noble, is a tiny... It was quaint. It was fun. Yeah, yeah. We did the book soup, which is as opposed to Barnes & Noble is a tiny... It was quaint. It was fun. I loved it. I loved that place.

But people are like looking over the tops of bookshelves to see because it's not really... At Barnes & Noble, they had a space. They do this. Book soup, they had a corner and you could jam. If you have 40 people, it's too much. So there's people trying to listen from different parts.

It was fun because you could be funny, but you didn't have to be. It's not like being on stage, just doing Q&A and people yelling shit out. And they've heard it. It's been out. Oh, that's right. Yeah. They periscope both of those. No, we did right. Yeah, they periscoped both of those. No, we did.

I mean, they, meaning you and Hennigan. Other people. Me. Not me. Shaley put it out as a podcast, I saw. And it's out as a podcast. See, I don't know these things. If you didn't hear it, it was fucking really funny.

I watched it on Periscope. We don't really talk, Shaley and I. I know. He just does stuff. That was very interesting. I didn't watch the one with very interesting. The dynamic between... I didn't watch the one with Adrian, but the dynamic between you and Hennigan is really good.

Yeah, Hennigan ran that Q&A. There was great ball-busting involved. You guys were drinking whiskey the whole time. Irish writer's tears. Writer's tears, which I bought for you first. From Dublin. Yes, when Bingo went to France, they did a quick layover in dublin and she found

mini bottles called writer's tears right when i was finishing the book so she brought two so we could uh drink writer's tears together and evidently you fucking cocksuckers, you killer termites have made this book sell well enough that they want to do another and bingo's book, which is 12 years in the making. It's in the moment, live diaries of her first incarceration in a mental institution that is hilarious and brutal and will be must reading for anyone who deals with mental illness not incarceration for lock up lock up yeah okay she didn't she didn't commit a crime to go to lock up you you wouldn't know it by the treatment true that's true and scary and but it's brilliantly written and she she her character studies of the people that she's with in the moment like this is what today it's just shit she's writing down on anything she could find to write down and if you have a partner a girlfriend or a boyfriend that's an artist of any kind,

you're terrified that it's going to suck and you're going to have to say it's great. And when I first read it 12 years ago, I'm like, this is fucking amazing. And so we gave it to Ben, the guy from Decapo Press that did my book. And I go, just give me notes. He goes, I don't have to like it. Do I?

No, you don't. Just any notes you can give. And he wrote, hey, I sent notes. I hope it helps. And he said it in a way that we go, there's something scathing in there. That's what I thought too at first. Bingo, you know how bingo is. Oh, I got notes.

I'm going to race to the computer it took her two days before she had the courage to look at it and it was fucking glowing I go even if they don't put it out which I don't think they will they said there's a better boutique company to put this out

you could use that blurb on the back of the jacket. Yeah, you could. It's going to our lit agent and Bingo's book will be out. Yeah. The only way we'll self-publish and that's an option

is self-publishing because Killer Termites have made that a viable option the only reason i think that you would is because you wouldn't want to change the names because there's a specific doctor that you excoriate and and you if i know if i asked if they if the lawyer said oh he can't use his real name because he's still alive. You know, because it's like a huge part of the book.

This guy needs to be found out as a fucking asshole because everyone in that mental hospital was like, yeah, he did the same thing to me. He's just that much of a cock and treating you like you're at Guantanamo instead of, uh, I have an illness. So if we have to do that for that reason, either way, yes, I might going out. It's going out.

I don't know when don't fucking jack me up. The special got bought. Did I say that on the last podcast? We do have a deal with the special. I can't give you details, but that will be out by July at the latest. That was the Royale one. The one we filmed here at the Bisbee Royale called No Place Like Home. Is that the title?

That was the one you said before. Is it still? Well, yeah. Whatever it was before, it's still. Yeah. They're not changing it. That's good. No Place Like Home. Yeah. That's good. No place like home, yeah.

That's going out. Shit is going well. I mean, as bad as we feel after this. Yeah, I'm beyond hungover at this point. I think I have actual alcohol poisoning. I should probably seek medical attention. Chad Shank shows up on the Saturday. First time in LA.

And I know he's gonna thrive there. He was nervous. Fucking traffic, yeah. You're gonna hear some car horns. But we had so much fucking fun. The comedy store is so vibrant like it's 1979

again. I think just to go there would be an experience in itself and would be fun if I didn't know you and I got to go there and look at it. But I got to go there, and we walk in, and as we're headed towards the VIP bar, you go peek into the room and then call me. Oh, come here, come here. Walk over. They clear out a table right away

and we all get shuffled right up next to the good spot and joe rogan is just finishing up his uh his uh set for the night and it's fucking monster set too hilarious physical comedy that i was fucking was killing me i didn't expect to see that but uh he's gonna put them ma mma skills to work somehow fucking showing off no one so so he's gonna do headstands on a fucking bar stool with a hilarious bit yeah so that's all so it's already amazing just the whole first few seconds going on in the whirlwind and then he finishes up and stand up grabs miss come on and we wade through the sea of people leaving towards the back, which then stand-up gets pulled out for pictures, you know, half a dozen times on the way.

So we go around, and as soon as we hit the back door, he introduces me to Joe Rogan. We walk back to the back. The green room of the main room of the OR is black. It's painted red and black and mirrors. It screams, do coke off of me. They have a piano-shaped coffee table

with a mirrored top that says, do coke off of me. When Junior was there, I demanded someone get me coke just enough that Junior can say I did a bump of coke off of this coffee table because that's what it was put there for in the 70s so he did a tour of that yeah that's my first you know five minutes of experience was already enough to you know be amazing so and

then everyone was there we didn't we we never saw ron white unfortunately he was there. We never saw Ron White, unfortunately. He was there on Thursday night, and then he's doing a show on HBO called Roadies. So he had to split town. All right. The Comedy Store just started a podcast in some basement room. The Comedy Store is like this weird eclectic castle. I can't remember the woman that just spent her whole life building weird rooms onto her castle but it's like that winchester house yes yeah it's

like that you go i never knew this i've been 20 years i spent here this room exists but they were doing a podcast so we went down to yeah that was back. After that, we go back to the back room and smoking weed and having the fucking time of my life. That was the first night that they were broadcasting, too. And Santa comes up to me and goes, Hey, we're going to podcast. Oh, shit. All right.

Eleanor Kerrigan, who traveled with Dice forever, was running the pod... Well, she wasn't running. She should have been running the podcast. Yeah. But she brought us down there, and there was too many fucking cooks for the soup. There was Rogan. I forget who.

Brendan Walsh. Brendan Walsh was there. Rick Ingram. Eleanor. Eleanor. And then you and Chad. And then it kept. Oh, it was supposed to change out.

It started. Yeah, people came in because that's... I think Al Madrigal came in. I met him. We would rotate out, so then I'd go out. If it was one of our podcasts, we wouldn't air it because everyone's talking over each other because there's a billion fucking headliners.

And so we did that. It was weird because the next morning, we did a two-hour podcast, and that was one of the last memories over breakfast. Oh, fuck, I forgot the two-hour podcast in the middle of that. I think there was a small amount of blow at some point, but too little too late. It's just right. It's just right. It's just right.

What happened after that? Well, that was Saturday. Well, we'll get to breakfast in the standard hotel on Sunset. Yeah, that was Saturday night. And then you had Sunday. Well, Saturday night didn't end until, like, really late because we went back to the standard. Chrysler wasn't there until Sunday.

Sunday. Yeah. But Saturday night we watched the, what was the guy's name you introduced me to? Brian Holtzman. Oh, Brian Holtzman still to this day, one of the funniest people alive. You can, I think, only catch him at the comedy store. He doesn't travel. When when he does he freaks out he's a serious mental patient but on stage fucking brilliant and when i saw he was going up i'm like

you know we're gonna leave the vip bar we are gonna fucking and it was worth every second of it i'd give you his twitter but he probably doesn't even have MySpace yet. At one point, he was just trying to get people to leave. Why are you still fucking here? I don't remember all of it, but it was fucking funny. He was trying to walk the room. What are you doing? Yeah, leave.

Leave. Go to your job. Go to your job, you fucking assholes. I don't even know why you're here. I'm the last guy. You saw your Sebastian. You saw your Sebastian? You saw your whoever was on the road?

You saw your Joe Rogan? Just go! Just go! Absolutely brilliant. I don't remember how that night ended. That was the last thing I remember there. I think we left there shortly after that. We were back at the Standard and you walked into Chad's room where Mitchell and Tracy and I and Chad were. Fuck left there shortly after that. We were back at the Standard and you walked in to Chad's room where Mitchell and Tracy and I and Chad were.

Oh, fuck. I forgot about that. You walked in with a bathrobe and a thong for a lady. It wasn't a thong. It was Bingo had to buy underpants. She has a new outfit. She goes, I need underpants for this outfit. I didn't own one pair.

She doesn't wear underpants. She got these little I need underpants for this outfit. I didn't own one pair. She doesn't wear underpants. So she got these little thong underpants. So I put on a pair and a bathrobe and come strolling in. Put on is a loose term. You were hanging out. Yes. Those balls don't fit in a thong. I need a long thong.

Do you have this in a knee high? I completely forgot that he did that. A get up in the morning. The standard hotel is I think it used to be like really hip to go to and uh it's right

there on sunset when i first walked in they have a big glass box behind the the reception desk and there's just like a girl in her panties on an ipad just sitting in there like i don't know it's like a performance you know like a dance club would have go-go dancers in a cage. They have an aquarium behind the front desk, and they just have a girl scantily clad, but she's in there tweeting and bored. I don't get offended easily, but I wanted to go, what are you doing this for?

This is sexist to the point where it's unsexy. You're being used and you're not even good at it. Sounds like human trafficking. If they had a stripper in there, I would have checked it out for a minute, but I tried to avert my eyes. It felt creepy. It felt like you were watching a young girl in her bedroom before she went to bed.

Yeah. And she didn't like you. Or didn't even know you were there. It was awful. So that was my first impression, but it was fancy, I guess. I haven't stayed in a lot of hotels in the area. Well, we're at street level.

So we get a ground floor with a patio kind of, it would be a balcony if it was not first floor. So it's a patio, and there was nothing out there. So it was like a prison yard, you know, where people can pace, you know, 10 feet back and forth. There's no chairs. There's no table. There's no ashtray.

There's just loud traffic. So Brian said, can we get some chairs out here? So they brought two chairs, no table. So you'd sit there again, prison style. Smoke cigarettes. I went out to smoke weed and mine, and I just drug that gigantic silver bean bag out there. Like a huge Hersey's Kiss. Yeah.

Like an old space capsule. Let me quickly back up. One other thing. I forgot. I don't have it in my notes, but I did a podcast in New York with Paul Mercurio, and his podcast is called Two Chairs and a Microphone, and he came to my hotel to do it.

Thank God, because I don't ever want to leave my hotel in New York. I hate the city. It's claustrophobic. It's awful. I didn't know him. I think I might have met him, but I didn't know him well. And he came over, and I go, you're going to have to change your name

because there's only one fucking chair in this hotel because it's New York. But I had a fucking fantastic dude i want to he was bitching about yeah no one drinks i go to the comedy clubs and everyone's a fucking in recovery and i fucking hate it i go oh we're gonna get along good yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna look you up next time i come back i don't know when that comes out but look for paul mercurio uh two chairs and a microphone podcast uh but back to uh my prison yard so the standard is already a fucking hipster piece of shit that hasn't been upgraded in a long time but they have a diner and it's kind of like

the kind of diner you like it's it looks 70s style vinyl chairs at a kind of place you'd want to eat 14 for a fried egg sandwich not the place you want to spend money that's the cheapest thing you can buy yeah it it looks like a kind of place you want to eat so after saturday night and a little bit of blow and a lot of podcasting and walking around in women's panties, I wake up and I can feel the fucking stink of my hangover coming off of me. And I go to that diner, which is empty as it should be. And I sit down at the diner and they're fucking cranking. And I sit down at the diner and they're fucking cranking.

Let's just say that the song that this podcast opened with, the lyrics are cranking. That's why this podcast started with that. Suck that dick, nigger. Suck a dick, nigger. Come on, suck that dick, nigger, at high volumes. You guys know me. I don't have a problem with the language. I have a problem with shitty music blaring at me when I'm sitting at a coffee diner, eggs and fucking bacon kind of place.

And I go, can we turn down or off the suck that dick nigger? And I'm enunciating it loudly, and whatever stupid poor girl at work's here. No, I can't. I'm sorry. I can't. Really? I have to sit here and have bacon and eggs

while I listen to suck that dick nigger, and I just kept saying it loudly, like she'd be embarrassed at some point. And no, she wasn't. No, it's not my, it's against my, I can't. And we don't have bacon and eggs. They do what they call pop-up restaurants where some famous chef will come

and change the fucking menu. Like, I just want bacon and eggs. Well, you can get that out at the pool bar. And I'm like, all right, good. I'll get it at the pool bar so I don't have to listen to suck that dick nigger. And I'm yelling it as loud as I can. And I get up to turn around to storm out. And right behind me is fucking Jerry and Malcolm, Johnny Depp's fucking security chiefs of police warlocks i call them

i'm like ah fuck now i gotta sit down and say hi i'm gonna be here for a minute but then i'm going to the pool so uh so yeah i said hello for a brief period of time and then we went to the uh the pool where they did not have niggers sucking dicks. No, but you did inform our waitress at the pool. African-American waitress. I go, is that normal to have suck that dick nigger? I can't wait to write the Yelp review about this and get my fucking money back from the hotel. Yeah, yeah, we'll torture them.

And then once I have it in play, I'll clue you guys into it. Or you can just start writing your own Yelp reviews about the standard hotel on Sunset Boulevard, which is already being trashed for... It's a five-star hotel, but they get a 3.6 rating on Expedia. This place is washed up. I'm a little bit disappointed that we didn't do your other plan where we went there before we left, and Stan was going to tell them that I could not bring

my biracial children to breakfast. Chad Shank has biracial children. Don't worry, that'll be in the Yelp review. Oh, yeah, I'm going to fucking jack up the Yelp review. Don't write goofy Yelp reviews. Just write about whatever. Leave the suck that dick nigger to me. Think about something crappy that happened to you at another place

and pretend it happened to you at the Standard. There's enough shit to bitch about. And that was Sunday morning. Then we start drinking $ 14 drinks at the pool and we had enough where chad chad goes if i take off my shirt i'm gonna clear this place out it was the whole place was nothing but really fit people. I mean, everybody was tanned. It was mostly gay dudes and speedos, but they were all, you know. Buff. Yeah.

Fucking six packs. Yeah. And we're all. Pasty and doughy. Yeah. And hungover and angry looking. So we had a. I just ordered off the cocktail menu.

You know, I have vodka and club soda in my room. Let's make the most difficult drinks to make. I'll have the Paloma with the fresh squeeze, this and that. I'm going to try the El Pinchazo. Yes. I ordered that drink. Yeah, that was a good one with the fucking chili. It's a basil.

Was that the prickly pear margarita you were... We drank them all. We drank enough to where we go, fuck it, we are going to take our shirts off. Not only did we do that, but then I suggested that we go and ask all of the dudes in Speedos to take a picture with us. Just joking to Stanhope.

Just for contrast. Completely forgetting that he's going to call me out, and it's only funny if we fucking do it. It's a before and after shot. But I tweeted, fitting in perfectly with the LA A-list Hollywood pool bar crowd. Thanks, Amy Schumer, for giving us the confidence. And I don't check my Twitter again. Within 15 minutes, fucking Hennigan is racing in going, what did you tweet about Amy Schumer?

She's very upset. So I check my direct messages. She goes, is that an insult insult please explain this to me because it's hurtful or whatever i don't know if you're trying to embarrass me or i'm like no no no we're fat fucks in front of we're doing everything you do we're fat fucks you know showing off our grotesqueness. Not that she's grotesque, but we are at a Hollywood pool. Oh, thanks for explaining it to me. And I hope she's ready for my fucking Ronda Rousey tweet,

which I can't tweet till she fights on New Year's Eve. But I'll give her a heads up. Hey, this is not personal against you. What about the follow-up pictures? The follow-up pictures? Oh yeah, later again I put on the fucking women's panties. Not that this is a thing with me, but it is.

And I tweeted a picture of me in those same women's panties thongs with a sign that says, it's a man's world Amy Schumer. With the mirror in the back. You got the front and the back. It was good.

Very good. It was good. Let's take a break. Yeah, there's a lot of my brain spinning. Well, coming up is the Ari Shaffir taping. Yeah, we did that. That was the next day. No, that was the same day.

No, that's coming up. That's coming up. That's after the pool. Brandon and Neil Hamburger and Tim Heidecker in the Sky Club. Yeah. And Tim and I, I hadn't met Tim Heidecker. And we did the double take. Hey, hey.

Hey, hey. Shrimps and white wine. Yeah, we didn't get a picture i felt really bad so are you teasing it or are we just no no that's the only story there i just wrote down i was trying to write down every fucking thing that happened because a million things happened in a week and it was all great so let's take a quick break and uh suck that dick, nigger. Hey, this is Doug Stanhope. And for those of you who ask me when I occasionally check my internet, can I get a signed copy of the book?

Yes, you can. If you already have the book, wait till I go on tour. But if you want a signed copy right now, go to DougStanhope.com, go to the merch page, and Chaley has them, or go to whatever page Chaley has them on, because he makes this podcast work, and he's selling the things, and I sign them all day when I'm trying to watch hockey. Why do I watch hockey?

Because I hate basketball, but I also watch basketball. I'm trying to do whatever I can do to not work. I'll be working soon, but that's against my will. So go to DougStanhope.com and order a book that I had to sit here and sign when I was otherwise trying to watch a sporting event that I don't like while I'm drinking. Thank you. This is Bingo. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. All right, let's blast through the viewer mail. Someone gave me shit.

You never read emails like Bill Burr does. I read snail mail because I enjoy going to the mailbox, as does Bingo when you send her a lot of shit, as does Chad Shank. And Chaley kind of gets left out, but even Derek, he got some mail from Helsinki, Finland. Someone made him up some petition sheets to become mayor. Oh, yeah. Because he's too lazy to go to the fucking store and get copies.

So someone from fucking Finland had to send it to him that's great uh so yeah we've been gone for a while so there's a lot of shit i'm gonna blast through it hey doug just finished your book fucking brilliant here's some shit from my horde to yours and he sent uh ammonia inhalants. What do you call those? Oh, I may need one of those. Smelling salts. Yeah. As well as some black rubber murderer gloves. And that thing, what's that thing? It's a...

To go with the murder gloves. Yeah, it's like a murdered brass knuckled knife thing, I guess. It's like a Batman logo shape. Is that Batman logo? Yeah. It's like a bat logo brass knuckles, but it's not brass. It's got knives on the side of it. If you put a handle on it, it would look like a guillotine axe

because it's double-bladed on both sides. If I needed to use it in a fight, I would just huck it real hard at somebody. Porn. You know what? I'm going to keep the porn because I had a couple of fucking days where you go, hey, red tube just won't fucking download and all i had was a tranny porn from that fucking oh that pilot shoot hey i can i toughed it out on that note can i give a thank you because i got my first uh naked chick picture

sent to me and i thought maybe she would look like a garbage truck, but she is fucking hot. Yeah, we don't get enough naked pictures tweeted at us or texted to us or emailed. Yeah, how about some more naked pictures? Even hideous ones that are funny. Yeah, maybe. Pee in the potty chair. There's a book. He's got some elk urine.

Thank you for that. That's Luke Jenkins. Thank you for that. That's Luke Jenkins. Thank you for that. I got a letter from the people that came for the taping that we brought to the Funhouse taping the night before the actual special taping, the other taping.

Yeah, it was Angie and Eric Croucher. Oh, I remember them. Yeah, they were sweet, and she wrote this whole letter saying I'm sorry, I feel like I fucked up and I was weird and I'm not usually weird. You were great, Angie Croucher. Thank you very much. Stop with this. She sounds like one of us.

Yeah, she does. That morning regret six months later. Angie Croucher, you're a fucking lovely human being, this guy, the magnificent Samuel, sent a picture that he drew with a story underneath it in pencil so light that you can read like three words of it, and a guy hanging himself, etc., and then he has this form letter where he fills your name in. I don't sell art. I choose who I give art to. He's being funny. I hope so.

But in it, it says, where is it? These are not for sale. You can't buy them. In fact, if you were to ever see a piece of art by the magnificent Samuel at auction, you would be a and then it's on another. You ever see a piece of art by the magnificent Samuel at auction, you would be a, and then it's on another, you'd be a piece of shit. But it's perfect because we are doing the eBay yard sale probably in July.

So I will sell this. Yes, fuck you, the magnificent Samuel, if you ever see this at auction. Oh, this will be on eBay just because you said that. From here, it looks like a Gretchen. We could stamp a Gretchen on it and sell it. He said the base price is $47 million, but it's discounted by all but five of those dollars, and I can pay in three easy installments of $1.66. Well, no, we're going to put that at auction.

Thank you, magnificent Samuel. You did send a self-addressed stamped envelope to return $5 to Kalamazoo, Michigan, and I'll just mail you some. No, I'll put a Kenny for Mayor sticker in there. There you go. All right, there you go. Can you include a Derek for Mayor sticker, too? Yeah, we'll send a bunch of stickers to him.

This came from Sweden. It's a guy's book, and I don't know how to... Armée des Enfants. And it's a picture book. He says I don't have to plug it because it's a limited edition. It's a coffee table picture book where he has a... It's like... It looks like a snowman, and he brings it around different places.

It's a nice picture book for my coffee table. I don't have to plug it, but I did. That's Jonathan Hainer from Sweden. So thank you for that. Fucking big-ass Whitehorse Yukon Territory street sign. Someone stole a Stanhope Place street sign from Whitehorse Yukon Territory. That. Someone stole a Stanhope Place street sign from Whitehorse, Yukon Territory. That's going on the wall. Nice.

Thank you. That's David Cleaver, I believe. This guy sent a typewritten letter. This dude's name is Brian Kranz from Oakland. And I won't read the whole letter, but paragraph two, last week my cousin killed his two children, ages three and five, and your book arrived yesterday, a Sunday, so I thought I'd send a quick letter, blah, blah, blah, he had to do the eulogy for the dude that killed his kids and then killed himself, he said you can look up the guy's name.

It made international news. I'm trying to scan for the name. Something, oh, Justin Bond, B-O-H-N. Yeah, so he had to do the, he said he wished he could have cut loose and said the truth about what he was thinking. But he said the guy was a good guy up until he killed his two kids and himself because his wife's leaving him. And that's not an awkward fan letter for the Doug Stano podcast.

We have to talk about getting rid of the shot clog part. I think we might have to get rid of that. It's clunky. And then you have to explain it too much. That's that. Doug, taking a month-long trip across the country, and I was going to send you a postcard from every city. I can't read your name.

Debski. Something Debski. Sure, send them. I love it. I love the fucking postcards. Hey, Doug, I wrote this, and then it made me think of you Hope you like it, hit me up DaveShafer4 at gmail

Doug Stanhope poem aka Bukowski Well Chaley's He's our in-house poet so why don't you read the poem My glasses, hold on Got it? Empty threats my glasses hold on there you go got it empty threats and stupid bets smoked up all my cigarettes i'm coked to the gills and full of regrets and i haven't paid off not one of my debts pretty accurate except for the debts part

i'll get those paid off uh michael shaw is a painter and screen printer from levelland texas and he sent some uh some of his artwork and his beautiful artwork maybe that'll get sold in the ebay auction because i have no place to put it i'm running out of walls so unless you buy me a house don't send me artwork that i can that i have to put up but it's very very good artwork. Thank you for that. Is that all our shit? There's probably more stuff in this pile. Beer koozies.

Oh, beer koozies, yeah. Knitted beer koozies. Go ahead, read that one, Chad. It says, hello, here are some drink koozies for your bar. Knitted by yours truly. Fight for which ones you want to claim. Made for Doug, Bingo, Shank, and Shaley. We love you, creeps.

Love, Alyssa. We love you, too, Alyssa. I'm using the red and gold beer koozie right now. Thanks. It's nice to come home to big piles of shit that aren't just bills. Thank you very much. And now we'll get back to the podcast. Already in progress.

If I missed something you sent, I just get stacks of shit I unpacked. I got a David Spade Almost Interesting, the memoir. Bought that for myself, motherfucker. As well as Kelly Carlin's Carlin Home Companion, which should have been here waiting for me, but it's not here yet.

So that's coming. And I ordered one other book, and I can't... Oh. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Yes, the one that Chad always pitches. You've never read that? No.

Probably not. I figured you'd find it in some hotel room across your travels. And sell it at the merch booth without reading it. All right. We'll be back after this drink. Oh, wait. There's three more things I forgot. Someone sent us customs jackets for Border Patrol jackets because he sent me one a while ago,

and he sent one for you and one for Chad, both XLs. It fits Chad snugly with a cap, and yours won't fit at all because it's an XL. But thank you for that. That was a guy named Chad sent us that, and some, Zach, I know Zach, he tweets at us a lot, he's a good dude, and he sent me an Egypt air pin, fortuitously timed after that crash, and the, someone sent us an anonymous potato from a company that sends anonymous potatoes from people. And it says, tater's gonna tate on the business card, which I thought was funny.

All right, now I think I'm caught up. Now let's have a drink and then get back to the podcast. And I fucked up one more time. Hi, Doug. And I fucked up one more time. Hi, Doug. I wanted to thank you and Bingo for offering the free Drunk With Power shirt to wipe my designated driver's vomit off the side of his truck. It was a great show that I'll always remember fondly.

Now that I have a two-year-old son, I'm unlikely to ever see you again, etc., etc. And he sent a card that said, Suck my duck and cock master but yes I don't remember that but evidently we gave someone a free t-shirt to wipe vomit off his car and just like the guy who had to do a eulogy

for a suicide victim who murdered his kids that's our audience now I think I'm really done let's get back to the podcast That's our audience. Now I think I'm really done. Let's get back to the podcast. We didn't talk about periscoping it. I remember we were doing the fucking depressing songs again.

Are we going? You pulling your pants down and me fucking singing is not the parts I want to recall. I don't remember pulling my pants down last night. Did I have women's underwear on again? You did not, but you fruit-basketed the periscope. I remember oh yeah what'd you call it you pushed your back lunch a back lunch something like that with one ball i i pushed my fucking cockaballs back between my legs and then did the moon with the fucking i'm sure there's a i'm sure the kids have a term for it, but someone screenshotted it and tweeted it at me this morning, and I'm like, ah, you fucking asshole. You could have waited until the afternoon for me to remember that.

I was really feeling regretful about the whole Periscope thing this morning, and then I remembered that in the middle of it at one point, said something and i said well then send naked pictures and then they said all right check your email of course i couldn't check my email while i was uh periscoping so this morning when i was feeling horrible i had uh some nice hot girl nude pictures uh sent to me. So hey, thanks for that. And I was very jealous that I rarely get nude photos. So yeah, share those. If people want to look at you naked in real life, if nobody

wants to look at you naked, I don't want to look at pictures of you naked. I'm fine with your grotesque naked pictures. But they have to be you. They have to be authentic. Stan Hope is fine with that. Except for... Hold up a newspaper current newspaper i'm not gonna i was gonna say a name but i'm not gonna say her name oh yeah yeah this yeah if you if you really think that you're hugely attractive and you're the opposite anyway hey there's a dog at the door.

Well, it's on the podcast. Did Bingo leave again? Oh, good. Well, you're good at leaving and not telling anyone. So after... After the pool party? After the pool party where we started drinking everything off the fucking menu

at 11 o'clock in the morning. Oh, wait. I have to do Ari Shafir's show I'm scheduled to be on at 7.30 so I had thank you Adderall Jack I had the last two Adderall that Chad and I did

way too early because I forget that Hollywood doesn't work on time well we need you there for 5.30 for your 5.30 for your 7.30 appearance. And I'm like, at that point, we're kind of drunk, and I'm like,

fuck them. I'm going to Axl Rose this, and I'm going to show up at 5.38. They got you, because your 7.30 was 8.45 when we got there. And I'm like, all right. Now, I've already been drinking since 11. I haven't gone over the story. I read a story that was from the book, but I hadn't practiced.

I told the story years ago when it happened, the Lorca story, if you've read the book. And I got to put in the Christine Hodge part about the A-lister global. But I blew him in my car, but I didn't have to take out the joke because there's no lawyers around. I can't tell you. I can't tell you who he is, but I'll tell you what he does for a living. He's the prince of Monaco. That's how that story should end in

the book but lawyers would not tolerate it so i get to start with that into the lorca story and uh kreischer was there kreischer shows up kreischer kreischer texted me and are you in la before and when when burke kreischer texts me it's like the first time Johnny Depp texted you. I'm fucking all happy. He's showing me. Burt Kreischer texted me. But then he showed up. So he shows up. Sal Volcano from the Impractical Jokers

shows up. We're just sitting there. As always, the LA shoot is running late. I don't care. I know this story well enough. I actually went on stage. This is Ari Shaffir's show. It's on Comedy Central,

and also they air it online, I think Comedy Central's website. Comedy Central's website. You can actually watch past episodes. I don't know when it airs, but yeah, fuck it. I'm just going to go up. I brought my book up.

This story is from my book because I thought it's a good reason to plug my book. I'm holding my book up the whole time like I'm reading out of it, but I'm not. I'm not looking at it. I'm just holding it up, graphically, obscenely overselling it. I liked how before they gave everybody everybody a uh i was the direction you tell that story i was impressed i'd never been where they shot a tv show or anything i was really impressed with everything they had fucking food and drinks it was a strip club it was well i mean just in the back though like tents and big air conditioning units to make sure that the people

weren't too hot and and uh the one thing that had, uh, in the middle of all the food, they just have like vitamins of different kinds and band-aids and just whatever shit you might need. I was like, they film in a titty bar cheetahs in, in Hollywood. And it's just, know four people it was Bonnie McFarlane, Scruncho, Aaron Berg who I didn't see his set but I remember that story from we worked together in Canada it's it's four comics and Ari standing on a stage telling jokes and they probably have 80 people working on this set they have tents in the back.

They have trucks. And you guys were all here for the presentation pilot we did here. It was just whoever's around comes down. Most of the people were on their phone. There's no reason to have that many people working. They had an ice chest full of beer that well with some beers in it that required a bottle opener but there was no bottle opener so people were bringing beers to bingo and i so we could open them with stanhope's lighter and then and then they i had to go out of beer so chad

shank i had to go over and restock the beer cooler. I'm like, who the fuck is all these people on their phone, man? I should get paid for this. Chad Shank just took over. Bingo took over. We'll do proper PA work. We filmed our own shit in Bisbee with fucking eight of us. There's no reason for this, not only to have that many employees, but to be this slipshod.

that many employees, but to be this slipshod. So I go up, and Sal Volcano from the Impractical Joker is there. Burt Kreischer is there, the machine. And Bingo's there, and they're out back watching on the... And they directed all of us, all right, it's a strip club, so you're kind of in the round. There's going to be people sitting behind you, but the cameras are on the other side. The people behind you will know that you're not going to face them.

You've got to play to the cameras. They're aware of that, so you don't have to be hypersensitive about the people that are looking at your back. And I kind of went over the story a couple times with you and Chad. And I'm like, this stuff missed. I forgot to bring a page. I wrote it out, but I missed a page.

I'm like, fuck it. So I just played to the back of the fucking tent where you guys are sitting outside and I walked up and I faced purposely the wrong side of the room that they trained me not to. And I go, here's my story. It's a storytelling show.

It's called This Is Not Happening. And I faced the people that I'm not supposed to face with the cameras at my back. And all the people who were on their phones are now freaking the fuck out because we're watching a TV screen that has three different camera angles on one screen, and all of them just show the back of his head.

So we were, what is he doing? My thinning spot. But you said... And I said, okay, this is my story. This story is about my time on the Impractical Jokers cruise ship. So I gasp. And Sal gasps.

Sal gasps. Where I got my nickname, The Machine. And the entire green room erupted. It was fantastic. And then I told my real story, and we get the fuck out of there. Yeah. We go to the comedy store. We told everyone, I'm leaving as soon as I'm done.

We're going right into an Uber. Oh, that was a funny story, too. When we did Mark Maron's podcast, he had the president on, as we alluded to earlier. And when we get our Uber, the driver, he said, is this the house where the president was and we got a uber black car it's a you know the suburb a black suburban higher end yes and uh he goes i had a call that day and because i'm driving this car they had the whole street blocked off but when they saw my car

they waved me this way they were waving everyone that way and they waved me this way. They were waving everyone that way. And they waved me this way. And then I rolled down my window. I go, I think you got the wrong guy. They waved him away. But it was very funny. So we go back after the Ari taping. And we go to the comedy store.

Sarah Hyland, who is mentioned in the book i got i i i'm so fucking lucky that if you've read the book chris o'connor my first juvenile delinquent friend from when i was 13 and we used to egg buses and throw crap fraps at him and snowball cars he's driving out here as we speak he'll be here in a couple days patricia waits from the story that lived next to mother the uh ejaculate in your anus she has a different uh take on the story that's worse more graphic she's coming out the week after that and then sarah highland from that uh is just a beat in the book but the drawn out story will be better we're going to do the audio book we're going to

start doing that next week but i'm going to get as many people that are in the book to come on to do sidebar director commentary about how they remember it. So I have three people in the next three weeks. So we'll put it out. I think we'll put it out podcast style as well as put it into the audio book. Sarah Hyland we ran into that night. Bert Kreischer after Ari's show. We ran into Sarah Hyland from the book.

Bert Kreischer's there. His fucking head is enormous. Jesus Christ. I did not. He's there. His fucking head is enormous. Jesus Christ. I did not. He's talking about how big his hat is, and it can't be bigger than my head. He puts it on, I look like a five-year-old.

Covered my eyes completely. I got to hang out with Bert a lot that night. You were mingling around Stan Obey. He never gets on fire. I really want to be around him all my life just because he makes me so happy. Yeah, I had a good time with him. Fucking giggling like girls on the side. You had to wingman him.

Well, because a guy, I guess, recognized him or something, and he was coming over. And Bert's like, turns to me real quick, and he's like, I don't remember this guy's name, so introduce yourself for me. I learned that already, so I'm like, I don't remember this guy's name so introduce yourself for me. I learned that already so I'm like, I got you. And he comes over and I run interference and I'm like, hey, my name's Chad. What's your name? And he was like,

Chad Shank? And Bert and I both fucking started cracking up. That went weird. Who's your friend? Oh, it's Bert Kreischer. He's a known comic. Bert who?

Yeah, that was a funny thing. I don't remember a whole bunch of that night because we were, like we started drinking early at the pool. So by the time we went there, it was like 10, 30, 11 at night. Yeah, the Adderall was gone. There was a, I wouldn't even say a little person. She was a... I think she had like spina bifida

or something. Yeah. But she was a small person. She was like three feet tall. Yeah. Comic. Hot as shit. Her name was Lila Hart and she was incredibly hot and I hit on her for like 45 minutes.

I told her how huge your cock was, and I probably scared her off. That's going to straighten your spine. You're going to be 5'6 after this if you do it, and it's going to ruin your act because I know your whole act is about being 3 feet tall. Great wingman move. When I'm talking to a 3-foot-tall girl, don't come and tell her how big my dick is.

But I was just talking to her because I thought it would be a hilarious story that I tried to hit on a midget, but also because a regular sized girl that's that hot would never talk to me. There's no way that she would sit there and talk to me. And then I was like, all right, this is kind of, you know, because then we're seriously talking for a little while. And it felt like I was really hitting on her. And I was like, I think I'm going to stop doing this

and go hang out with other people. And a dude came over and tried to cock block me. He started hitting on her right in front of me. And I was like, well, fuck you then, dude. So I stared him down until he left. But she was a very sweet girl she's a comic and she's kind of new at it i guess but she's uh yeah no she was i i wish i had uh more vivid memories and i i i remember thinking oh i i hope i'm not talking down to you. Sorry, I fucked a pun.

Anyway. That's the only time it was weird because I was trying to talk to her and I didn't know if I should bring up should I pick you up or something so that you don't have to crank your neck up to talk to me? Oh, we did do that. Wait, we did do that.

To get a picture next to my name written on the side of the comedy store. Someone picked her up to get the picture. Oh, shit, I missed that. I assumed it was you. No, I didn't. It wasn't me. I wasn't for that.

I was around the backside talking. You guys don't know John Doerr, or maybe you do. He's a comic. Very funny. But he looks very similar to Brendan Walsh, who doesn't get spots at the comedy store. But at one point, someone thought he was John Doerr and said, hey, do you want to do five minutes?

And he's like, yeah. He's all confused because they don't give him spots for some reason, which is all fucked up because Brendan Walsh is one of the funniest people that's ever lived. So he goes, yeah, and he didn't understand why until the emcee said, the next comic is John Doerr, give him a round of applause.

So he went up and he did John Doerr's act. It was such a fucking fun weekend oh man we we uh we left oh oh we did kelly carlin george carlin's daughter has a a monthly uh show on sirius xm it's monday morning this is on our way out after the burke kreischer pot uh periscope of what happened oh yeah at re taping and comedy store i still haven't seen that we gotta well maybe can we put a link to that that will be gone by the time this goes out yeah i don't know how it works uh we did kelly carlins who i i've only met twice vaguely the green room with pa Paul Provenza, I met her there, and I met her somewhere else.

But I talked to her on Twitter. I feel like I know her as well as I know any of you. And it was right by the airport a few hours before we were flying out, and it was just so much fun. I had more fun on that podcast. I remember giving her shit. She tried to... I can't take compliments.

She's going, if there was an heir to my father, it's you. I go, hey, do you ever sit around with Rain Pryor and get drunk and get into fights over whose dad was really funnier? Richard Pryor or George Carling? Come on. That was a lot of fun.

She was very nice. And then her sound guy, Logan, was there. I'll say hi to him because he told me afterwards that he listens to the podcast. They were really nice people. When I did Marin's podcast, he had some kid, the crystal blue eyes and perfect hair, 25-year-old kid that just was sitting there

for no reason and I didn't ask but then when we did Kelly Carlin's she had this beautiful young Brad Pitt kind of looking kid 25 years old sitting there for no reason I go does everyone that has a podcast have a smooth young

boy status thing that doesn't talk and afterwards he came up to chad and he goes hey i'm a really big fan i love your podcast the only words he spoke uh but uh yeah kelly i had a fucking story about kelly and i don't know what it was i don't know i just Maybe it's just a plug. I think that comes out in July. She does one podcast or a radio show a month.

Serious XM. And it takes two months to put it out somehow. Oh, wow. But I'll be happy to hear it. Fucking, yeah. It was good. I enjoyed listening to it. Bingo and I both enjoyed listening to it. It was a nice way to close. Like if I had to close on the Ron Bennington fucking panic attack, I'd go, I'm quitting comedy.

I'm going to kill myself. Get to close on Kelly Carlin, and I fucking absolutely love her. That was where we started up drinking again that day. Yeah. When you guys were at the airport. We're 10 minutes from the airport, so we get to the airport, we get to the Sky Club. Oh, fuck.

That was fun. Hold on. I think you should do the high fives first and then close it with that. I thought we did the high fives on the... Yeah, it was on the airplane we did the high fives. High fives were later. First we were at the Sky Club.

I thought you did it walking through the airport. We're at the Sky Club having our complimentary cocktails, and some douche just dunce in a suit. He's having the loudest cell phone conversation ever. He had both headphones in his ears. Like the iPhone headphones. They give you the earbuds, but both ears, so he can't really. Yeah, he couldn't hear anything.

Well, this starts with you at the Tucson airport. Similar story. Yeah, when I flew out. And on the way back, when I flew out there, I was in the Tucson airport, and I was trying to finish Stanhope's book. Tucson airport is the only bar where I'm a regular, which is weird. They know my drink.

I know every bartender because I'm there. It's the only place I'm a regular. So he goes in reading my book. And the bartender comes over and says, oh, he flies out of here. And, of course, I'm in the middle of the book, and I go, yeah, he's my friend. I'm going to go meet up with him right now. And my whole fucking face flushed red because I go, oh, you fucking just sounded like a complete asshole.

That was not how you should have responded to that. But I didn't. That was the weakest name drop ever. Yeah, I was like, fucking asshole. But she then told me that, she says, the last time I saw him in here, she says, he's a really nice guy. She said, the last time I saw him in here, there was a guy on his phone, and he was just yelling, and he was talking about toilets.

He was in the toilet industry. Trying to serve people food, and his entire conversation is yelling about toilets. She said, so he gets on his phone and just starts yelling i don't know i guess we're just talking about toilets in the bar hey honey i evidently there's a who can have the loudest cell phone conversation competition about toilets and i think i'm losing i think i'm losing because the guy next to me is talking way louder about toilets and I think I'm losing. I think I'm losing because the guy next to me is talking way louder about toilets repeatedly.

She said everybody in the bar was fucking laughing. So when we're leaving out of LA this douchebag with his two headphones in, in a sky club where everyone's kind of a cunt anyway It's kind of quiet. You want it to be quiet. That's why you pay 50 bucks

to be in there and drink free drinks. And this guy is sitting right in the middle of the place. The place is as big as a football field. Right behind the bar. Yeah. And he's just yelling this conversation and everyone's turning around and giving him the stink eye

but he's not making eye contact. He doesn't get it. So I picked up my phone, and I just did the other end of his conversation as loud from across the room. Well, yeah, I got my guys. They're in temporary housing right now. And I wait for the pause.

You know temporary means you have to leave soon, right? It's just whatever he says, I'm acting like we're having the same conversation. And it went on for at least four minutes. I loved it when you were berating him for eating. Are you eating? Are you chewing while we're on this phone call? It really disgusts me.

This is a business call. I can't believe that you're eating. I can hear it, sir. And for a long time, I thought it was Bingo and I are just losing it because everybody else is just sitting there like they don't. You didn't think they were listening? Passively. But one guy was pretending he was sleeping,

and he was hearing the whole thing. And everybody, like when you were done, he scoffed at a round of applause. For people we had no idea that were listening. I thought I was bothering everyone just as much, but as soon as the guy left, they're like, oh my god,

that was fucking hilarious. Thank you for doing that. So he eventually left the room and then... Still oblivious, not knowing, still on his phone. He started walking around at one point. Oh good, are you just walking around now? That was so funny. Oh man.

Steve ran as easy. I think I gave him shit on Twitter. He was the guy that pretended to be a 9-11 survivor and then got found out. But I found out his backstory and he was a really nice guy so sorry for giving you shit. He was at the store all weekend, too.

Yeah, yeah. He had a good excuse, plausible deniability. Yeah, he got into a bad space. So him, oh, high-fiving, that's a complete impractical Joker's thing that was one of their challenges is trying to get everyone to high-five you. That was when we left the Sky Club. When we left the Sky Club, really fucking hammered. Chad and I had a competition

of who could get the most high-fives, and Chad won because he got a pilot and a cop. So, yeah, we did that. And there was one douche in my foggy memory of sitting, probably because we were in first class, and one guy tried to high-five on

the way past, and he's like, not for my life would I ever high-five. Not a chance or something. So we fucked with him as he shuffled past. We were just drunk and obnoxious. I would have hated us if I was anybody else. Stan was talking about ISIS.

Yeah. I think that guy looks like ISIS to me. Well, before that. It was the lady in front of you. Before that, because when the guy wouldn't high five me and I was trying to to tell him his shoes are untied you were just fucking being obnoxious and i why won't he high-five us and i go some people are afraid of sars just trying to think of the most outdated fucking disease i could think of stanhope's like what's maybe it's the new one what's the new one called and i said and we're three seats away, so we're shouting back and forth to each other.

And I says, it's Zika virus. Oh, yeah, maybe they're afraid of the Zika virus. And the fat lady in front of Stanhope just gives me a drill. She goes, that's not funny. And I tried to be all serious. And I told her, ma'am, it's funny because I don't think it's spread through high fives. She wouldn't fucking look at me after that. Shocking. She didn't get it.

I said something about ISIS and the fucking stewardess is giving me the... Shut your fucking mouth. Because then you asked the dude to switch places. There was a dude right next to us and he went to the bathroom and I think you're trying to get him kicked off so I could get his seat

because all I hear is that guy. Yeah, you said he was... I think that guy looks like ISIS. And then the stewardess was like, cut it off. That's the irony is she gave me the throat cut sign. She gave me the beheading sign when I made an ISIS joke. Now you don't know what to do. And Hennigan, oh, Hennigan was on one of the podcasts in the comedy store

and he was drunk and Hennigan gets to be a the podcasts in the Comedy Store, and he was drunk. And Hennigan gets to be a real dick when he's drinking sometimes. It was Sunday morning. But he left his credit card. So we got his credit card. At the Comedy Store. So Hennigan bought us. He hugely overtipped as well as picking up our tab at the Comedy Store.

And then at breakfast the next day, hugely overtipped again. And then we left his credit card at the front desk for him to pick up. We'll hear from him when he gets the bill. But there was a $66 tab at the comedy store and he tipped $100. And it was $45 at breakfast. He tipped $50. he tipped 100 and it was 45 at breakfast he tipped 50

yeah but he deserved it for being a drunken dick but he knows it he woke up the next day going I think I might have been a bit of an asshole last night yeah yeah you were we podcasted the second night yeah

just fucking remembering stuff Sunday night is when all that took place because Monday morning is when you guys picked up the car. Sunday night was worse. Him and Bert were at each other because Bert was trying to tell him that United States comics are funnier than UK comics thinking that he's British and not Scottish

and that was what... I remember that was what... Oh. I remember that was what... That was our problem. That was what he was upset about, but Crusher was too drunk to realize it, and he thought he was defending UK comics. It was fucking hilarious. Burt was taking a stand on something he admitted

he had no stand on, and it was just to fuck with... Yeah, yeah. The whole thing was fucking hilarious. It was very good. We're going to wrap this up. I got a couple of announcements. If you heard Gary Johnson, the libertarian candidate on Joe Rogan's podcast,

I haven't heard it yet, but last podcast, we implored you to listen. He's a fucking super high guy. He's got great ideas. And now because of Trump and everyone fleeing the gop he is getting a double digit fucking he's 10 and 11 percent which is the highest since ross perot for a third party guy follow gary johnson i should be they offered to fly me out, but we put it to a poll, and you'd rather have me at Killer Termites Day this Sunday, May 29th, to see the Tucson Saguaros, a.k.a. when they play in town, the Bisbee Killer Termites baseball team.

So we will be there Sunday at 1 o'clock in Bisbee, Arizona. But I'll still vote for Gary Johnson, and I'll plug him as much as possible I even have a Gary Johnson car Gretchen is here she has the Hillary Clinton art car if you follow hashtag hill car H-I-L-L car

you can see her car it's an art car, it's all made up I have a Gary Johnson car which is just a plain old fucking car. So, yeah, look for my car out there. If you see a plain old car, vote Gary Johnson. So, Killer Termites, this May 29th at 1 p.m. at the Warren Ball Field here in Bisbee.

And wear green, because the Tucson Saguaro's, it's a cactus based. Yeah. Wear your green. Derek for mayor, Kenny for mayor. Start making your decisions. It's the most important vote you'll ever make in your life. You got anything else to plug?

Merch? Chaley, what do we got? We're still selling the book on DougStstandoff.com and they are signed copies so you can also get it amazon.com barnesandnoble.com not signed copies not signed copies we have to jack up our price because we're selling this book by buying them from amazon at the same price you're getting them and then chaley has to jack it up plus shipping so yeah you're not really paying for the fucking signature you're paying for us to be able to buy them at your rate and then so yeah the signature is all we got i probably would have left that part out but

audiobook who knows when it's coming out it'll be a while it's it's a long process and we want to make it really fun and add as many people from the book telling their versions of the stories and uh yeah i really want to put a lot of effort into this special will come out june or july uh no place like home and people from the book are going to be stopping by and podcasting starting with chris a couple days Yep. So stay tuned. It was a fucking fantastic weekend. Chad Shank, Greg Chaley, at Bingo Bingaman. She's getting back into the Twitter now, now that she knows she has to sell a book.

Derek Vermeer is here. Kenny Vermeer is not. Tracy at Eggleston. No. What is it? Eggmeister? Egg. Tracy at Eggleston. No. What is it? Eggmeister? Egglester. Egglester.

I think we would be remiss without saying a big thank you to the Comedy Store and taking care of us all weekend. Oh, they did take care of us. Shawnee Hicks and Gretchen Baer, the artist formerly known as Gretchen Baer. You can see her stamp on thrift store paintings everywhere, as well as her own. And we'll be back in a couple days. Thanks.

Suck that dick, nigger. How's your breakfast? Suck that dick, nigger. Overeasy? Suck that dick, nigger. More coffee, please. Suck that dick, nigger. I like this song.

I wasn't a fan before but yeah we gonna holler Suck a nigga dick. Suck a nigga dick. Suck a nigga dick. Take a look at me. Suck a nigga dick. Suck a nigga dick. Suck a nigga dick.