The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #143: Killer Termite's Day in Bisbee

Episode Date: May 31, 2016

A recap of Killer Termite's Day in Bisbee and the Tucson Saguaro's game.Recorded May 29, 2016 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Chris O'Connor, and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.   LINKS:   Tucson Saguaro's - @TucsonSaguaros - http://www.saguarosbaseball.com/   Closing song, "Funeral Party", by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon , Barnes & Noble  and at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Ambient noise is not a problem. It's people trying to have a conversation. If there's something you want to add in, Tracy will be bartending throughout the event, so if you need a drink, don't be afraid to ask. I'm not against that. What's wrong with your voice? Are you hoarse? It's not like you had an important audio book gig coming up or anything.

Did you just scream at a baseball game all day? We just came from Killer Termites Day. And we're sitting there just yelling shit at the field. The thing about that field, and what we found out from previous seasons, is you don't have to yell. Because if you're on the field, you can hear everybody talk. Pin drop, yeah.

You don't know that in the stands because the audio is directed the other way. So you can just go, that guy sucks. I heard you say I sucked. I whispered that to my friend and then we're screaming our balls off. It was good good heckling. Chris O'Connor, Chad Shank, Greg Chaley are all here.

Okie. Okie was doing announcing work. It's so fucked. If you come to another Killer Termites game, they're called the Tucson Saguaros, but we call them the Bisbee Killer Termites. But if you come to another game, if you were here today, we'll fix all that shit.

Because no one's in charge. They weren't selling alcohol. I liked that part. We always smuggle our own anyway. What was the policy? I was up getting some lemonade so that we could mix our own drinks.

And a guy walked up and goes, are you guys selling beer? And the lady goes, no, but they're selling it across the street at the convenience store. So I was like, ah, all right then. Don't ask, don't tell. Yeah, they're pretty lax. Someone said, are they going to search my bag? I go, this isn't Yankee Stadium. Is there a threat of terrorism at warren ballpark if they were serving beer they would have searched our bags it was more of a threat of encroaching on

their beer sales but they didn't have any it's funny when i was doing the pa announcing oh wait yeah so so there's no pa yeah so there's a guy that owns the entire league sitting up there, a mousy-voiced guy in the stadium just saying stuff off a piece of paper. Next batting. If you're next to him, you can't hear him, but he still did it anyway. So at some point, I passive-aggressively sent Chaley by saying, I'm going to go to the house and get that bullhorn and get batteries for it. Chaley mentioned it before you did.

He was already on it. I said, we could get a PA over here in five minutes because we have two PAs. Now they're over at Hazard. The bullhorn did not help a lot. Well, it did when Kenny or Okie, Chris O'Connor here, took over because they can project. He's a theater dude.

So, Chaley, about third inning, brought the bullhorn. Chris O'Connor gets on the bullhorn. Yeah. You were about to say you were going to tell a story. Yeah. No, I was just saying what an opportunity that was today to be in Bisbee, come down here, and here I am announcing a baseball game. What an honor.

What an honor, gentlemen. Thanks to the gay 90s bar down in Naco. Yeah. I was like, is this for real? I love that. We have to keep that up as that cross heckling. Hey, Okie, I heard they have merchandise. And he's halfway across the stadium. Yes, Oki, I heard they have merchandise. And he's halfway

across the stadium. Yes, they do. I go, where? It's over there. I apologize for the Massachusetts accent. Never do that. It's the funniest accent. Irish might be close, but fucking, you know, Massachusetts

accent on a dude is the funniest thing. On a woman, unfuckable. The guy who, I don't know, Tom? Is his name Tom? I don't know. The other guy. The guy that was giving you the... No, the other guy that you talked to.

Bob Lip. Okay, yeah. Bob said, all right,, you gonna be here again? I was like, well, I gotta go back, but I do have a family. It was nice to get a job off it while I was here, though.

A pay-nothing job. Dream job. It's good. He can't show income anyway, so it was perfect. It's like you almost live here, dude. Speaking of worthless jobs i got called up to draw the raffled tickets out and then i just stood there while the other guy drew the raffle tickets out and handed them to kenny and i'm like well what the fuck am i supposed to do then he made an announcement chad shank is gonna draw the numbers and then he didn't

let me draw the numbers. So I just fucking gorilla announced him over the top of Kenny's bullhorn announcement. Oh, that was a great moment. The umpire stops the game and comes over and tells, I think it was Kenny was on the bullhorn

and it says, you can't do that while they're pitching. All the bullhorn shit. And I go, oh, umpire thinks that we can't do that while they're pitching. All the bullhorn shit. And I go, oh, umpire thinks that we can't be louder than a bullhorn. And we drown that place out. Not the shingles off. I love that. And that's why the audio book sucks.

Yeah. This is Sunday. And I've been screaming all day. So I have to start the audio book like Marge Simpson. My mother was on her deathbed. Yeah, you're going to need a day off on the voice. Chad told me this story walking up the street coming from the game. I go, we should at least do at least a 20-minute podcast

just because this happened to start his day. Yesterday, I was here for half a minute because I felt like shit, so I was dubious about today. And on my way here, I saw an actual coyote chasing an actual roadrunner. And I fucking knew. I was like, it's going to be a fucking fun day. When your day starts off with a real live fucking cartoon, it's going to be a fun fucking day. And it has been so far.

And that's why I said we have to podcast now while this is fresh. Because if we talk about a dumb baseball game tomorrow, it loses its luster. But what do we have? What do we have? 30, 40, 50 people just in the killer termite section. Yeah, that was a good crowd. It was fucking great.

A better turnout than the Pecos League sees at any other game, I'm sure. Yeah, Chad was telling me that. He looked at one of the other live photos from, I mean, they're a couple weeks in on their series, or on their season, and there's no... The family don't even show up. It's like the third time you do open mic. No one goes, right?

First time everyone's there to see it. Second time they go, oh, it's all the same shit. Third time, nah, I'm busy. I'm playing minor, minor, minor league ball. It's not a good sales pitch, I guess busy. I'm playing minor, minor, minor league ball. It's not a good sales pitch, I guess. Who won the raffle anyways? Oh, fuck, what happened to the dude in the wheelchair?

Oh, we carried him down. Yeah, but he's still up there. He's still at the top. Oh, no. I'm still here. Oh, boy. We almost left him, though. He'll come down fast.

Betty came up to me, Nurse Betty, Mayor Betty came up to me at one point and she goes, the guy in the wheelchair came all the way from New York with his friend and they'd really like to meet you. And I'm like, well, they should know it's not a big stadium. I say stadium. I'm eight feet away yelling dumb shit. Come on over. Well, there was a dude in a wheelchair. Once he said it, I'm yelling it over on the other side. I'm waving him over.

It was a different dude in a wheelchair. Some old guy. Hey, I think that guy's hitting on me. Yeah, I'm waving his whole... He had people with him. I'm like, come over. Obviously, if you came from New York, you'd know guy's hitting on me. Yeah, I'm waving this whole, like, you had people with him. I'm like, come over on. Obviously, if you came from New York, you'd know that this is our section. There's only four sections.

One of them's loud. That's us. But two rows in front of you, there's another guy. Well, no, then the wheelchair came out of nowhere from my left on the Tucson side. And then he's sitting down there by himself because it's. There's no seating. Stands. You can't... Oh, in the sun.

And then the sun starts hitting him, and I start going, hey, is there free... Next week's free sunblock for the handicapped. And then someone piped up, bring him up. And then it was like a barn raising. Everyone raised down, picked this guy up, carried his wheelchair up 12, 15 rows, set him up at the top. And then I haven't seen him since. Jeremy was his name.

He was supposed to come over. I talked to him after the game. I told him to come over. So they may be halfway here. There's a lot of potholes. He's stuck in a pothole. I talked to him after the game. I told him to come over. So they may be halfway here. There's a lot of potholes. He's stuck in a pothole. Thanks, Mayor Ertley.

My favorite heckle at one point, I just... Because you have to soft heckle at that park. The kids are like 20. They make no money. They owe their souls to the company store. They make like 50 bucks a week, and if they break their bat, it comes out of their own pocket, and they have to buy the bat from the league,

and it's 60 bucks, so they lose money. No different than starting comedy when you do open mic. You're not getting a nickel, and you have to pay your own gas. So I get it. I get why you do this.

But my favorite heckle, because you try to be soft. There's kids there. You can't swear. You don't want to demean the kids. They're entertaining us and losing money to do it. So at one point,

I went with passive aggressive. No, no, very aggressive gay Hyper aggressive Hey, Adderall Jack is in the house Let Adderall Jack in Adderall Jack Adderall Jack I have money

If anyone out there listening can do Billy Jack Bitch Is a Prince song that no one knows But it's a great song But Adderall Jack fits into that. So if you can get me Billy Jack Bitch song parody with Adderall Jack. Adderall Jack.

I've never heard the song. I know. I can't find it on Sonos. Because Prince was a cunt. Prince had a whole legal team to make sure you couldn't find that unless you went to his house and gave him cash under the table. No receipt. That's what I read on the internet, at least.

Hey, Doug. Hey, we'll get to you. The team, our new team, are we calling them the Saguaros or are we calling them killer termites? It gets very confusing because we call us the killer termites, so calling the ball team the killer termites. So calling the ball team the killer termites. All right. So out of 23 players, 15 are rookies this year.

If this is accurate, I don't even know. You don't work for 50 bucks a week and lose money two years in a row a lot of times. Yeah. There is a guy from the Angels farm team. That was the picture, the closing picture. Oh, you times. Yeah. There is a guy from the angels farm team. That was the picture, the closing picture. Oh, yeah. He did really Jake.

Jake Stalzer, I believe is your name. You don't listen to the podcast, but when this first came out and I'll get to that heckle, but when it first came out that we're going to have baseball, I looked them up. They didn't have a Twitter account. Even the guy that owns the entire league says he has no idea who's running the Tucson Saguaro's Twitter account.

Whoever you are, you're beautiful. We can get Tracy on it. She can do Facebook ads for next to nothing. We'll see. Yeah. We're not going to. We don't want to put too much effort into us. All of a sudden it's our job.

Everyone here paid. Oki bought my way in. What were they, $5? $7.50. $6 for veterans. Box seats, man. I got a dollar off. Anyway, so I'm a homosexual heckling

a batter from the other team, the Alpine Cowboys, and I was just talking about how he, oh, bend into it, sugar, and this and that. What was the setup line that Chad Shank just hit the fucking home runoff of?

I said, I said, I said, oh, you won't need two hands for this bat, baby. And Chad Shank on cue said. You might want to leave your gloves on, though. There was some.

It was fun. There was great heckling. Where's One Block? Is he not here? One Block won the Dizzy Bat Contest. Against Kenny? He cheated. Kenny, did you get your signatures?

Kenny for mayor. I need a different straw. Coach, I did get two more pages full. Well, two and a half pages full more, so I only need three more pages. Before Wednesday. Hey, can we all officially jump ship on Derek at this point and just join Kenny's team? Derek jumped ship on Derek. Yeah, that's why I'm jumping ship.

Yeah, I think everybody jumped ship on Derek. No, Derek. Derek jumped ship on Derek. He's about to sign Kenny's petition. Here, Kenny, give everyone a sticker. A Kenny for Mayor sticker. Pass them out, you politician, you. I'm going to get pulled over on my way home if I put one of these on.

I know it. You'll never see me again. So before that raffle, the guy's sitting there. He's trying to sell the raffle tickets. So he gets all of them. He hands me all the raffle tickets. Like in a hat or something, right? No, he just handed me a handful.

A fistful? Yeah, and said, here, I need you to break these up. I'm like, okay, I'm sitting in Bisbee. I'm ripping raffle tickets one by one. Need a little help here. And then the girl finally came over. I was panicking. I said, we're going to start the raffle.

I'm going to try and do the tickets. We were up late. Okie and I were up late reminiscing and playing Led Zeppelin-ish. We saw the periscope. The periscope. Jay Giles, baby. Jay Giles. Ow!

Yeah. This is the whoop-a-goop-a with the green teeth. Let me in. Yeah. Hey, by the way, I recycled your microphone from last night. It went in the glass bin. Oh. You were singing into a handle of vodka?

Yeah. Yeah, that was a good mic. Best one I've ever had. Fantastic. We were up late, so Okie shows up at the ballpark. We're fucked. But I have a couple of mimosas. I get the shakes off.

Okie's dead sober. And all of a sudden, I put you to work at first. Hey, Okie's got some pipes. Have him, yo. Yeah. Yeah, it was fun. It was fun. That's a nice ballpark.

Then next thing you know, you're ripping tickets. Right. You're in a concession stand. I don't know what happened. You're cooking hot dogs. T-shirts. I was on top, and now I'm ripping freaking tickets. So a little depressing for a moment, but snapped out of it.

We'll write some heckles for the next game, too. I like cross-heckling, where I can yell at the – you're at the other side of the what do you call it? It's not a stadium but the bleachers. And you can yell back. We'll get a couple of, because I don't know shit about baseball, so

I just go to heckle, but I don't know the game enough, so I run out of shit quick. There was a guy in the announcer's booth that was calling the game i think it was on a radio station yeah but we didn't have anybody to call us for the other team i went over there to i was gonna uh tweet the link to listen to this game live but they go it's just this team they they do that bisbee doesn't do that i was just gonna go up there and just repeat

everything he said and just shout but i figured i'd lose my voice more so than I even did. As we walk back, not a fucking chance am I picking up this phone. I didn't even have a list of the team players. I had to keep asking the guys and then the guy up in the corner. I thought he was going to start making up names. We did get a number of nicknames this week. So we're trying to pull together some nicknames because we had it down last time,

but we had a couple of games in. This was the first game. Go ahead, Kenny. I was reading the wrong team's names, so every time the other team was batting, I'd read the New Mexico Fuego's team. Last week's. Last week's team.

It's the New Mexico Fuegos team. Last week's. Last week's team. Sorry, I forgot where we were. You were going to tell... Oh, no, you already told us that. Oh, yeah. No, nicknames. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. The pitcher Daniel Hurricane Hurtado. He did a good job. Yeah, Stephen Berserker Borkowski. No, no, we're going to rename him Chinaski. And any Borkowski, it's Borkowski, but any Borkowski reader will figure out

Chinaski is Borkowski because that's his... Henry Chinaski. Look at this. I really liked saying Devon Poole. There's a guy named Poole and they go, next up. Devon Pool. Oh, that was... There's a guy named Pool, and they go, next up, Devon Pool,

and Chad says, it's the only pool in Bisbee. That's a local reference. Our local pool is not working. We got Danny on a roll, Droll. Droll rhymes with everything, so you can tweet at me your ideas for Droll. Droll rhymes with everything. So you can tweet at me your ideas for droll. Droll, there's a humor reference, the word droll,

and there's anything that rhymes. Everything rhymes with droll. I don't know this. Smoke a pole, droll. That's negative. Well, no, in In Bisbee it's positive Woo Smoke that pole Droll

Woo Hey Doug I don't know how to pronounce This guy's name I was saying Rampone But it's R-A-M-P-O-N-E That's why we need The coach over here

But then we just did Rampage We just call him Rampage That fucking works Until we get something else And then This is the one I love Ryan Retz Tracy came up with Rekham Retz Rekham Retz Rekham Retz We just call them rampage. That fucking works. Until we get something else. And then this is the one I love.

Ryan Retz. Tracy came up with Rekham Retz. Rekham Retz? Rekham Retz. Good one. So we're starting. We're starting. It's our first game.

First game of the season. Hey, this is Doug Stanhope. And for those of you who ask me when I occasionally check my internet, can I get a signed copy of the book? Yes, you can. If you already have the book, wait till I go on tour. But if you want a signed copy right now, go to DougStanhope.com, go to the merch page and Chaley has them or go to whatever page Chaley has them on because he makes this podcast work and he's selling the things and I sign them all day when I'm trying to watch hockey. Why do I watch hockey? Because I hate basketball, but I also watch basketball. I'm trying to do whatever I can do to not work. I'll be working soon, but that's against my will. So go to DougStanhope.com and order a book that I had to sit here and sign

when I was otherwise trying to watch a sporting event that I don't like while I'm drinking. Thank you. Kennedy, do you need to say something or you just want to be close? Actually, I fell in love with this guy right away. Everyone does.

Don't send him naked pictures. His wife listens to the podcast. I get in love with this guy right away. Everyone does. Yes, we all do. Don't send him naked pictures. His wife listens to the podcast. I get in trouble for it. Is your name Candy or Kennedy? Yeah. Candy. Candy. Oh, I thought it was Kennedy, but you have kind of a Parkinson's kind of stutter.

Candy. And I have a pretty funny story about you. Tell it after, because we're trying to make this one... Can I go outside and smoke? Yeah, you can smoke inside. I think I'm part of your crowd. You do anything you like around here. You can piss in the urinal. That's how good you are.

Oh, really? You can also clean the limes and olives out of it, too, if you want. I'm just saying. Okay, I'll be outside. We'll see you in five minutes. Five minutes from done. I know,

I know, I know. He's sober. You have a sober driver and that's some kind of golden. We should have an award for a sober driver over here. I was about to say something.

What do you got? I just realized something about this bumper sticker. What's missing? What's missing? Kenny for mayor. He's a no-brainer. Red, white, and blue. There's no red.

No, because the Derek for mayor stickers were red and white. Oh, I did not know that. Yeah, it's Crips versus Bloods. Oh, okay. Alright then, that works. Sorry, I got excited about no red there for a second. God damn it, I had something to say. Candy. I thought it was Kennedy. We were talking about

nicknames. Her husband's name is Ginsberg. And I thought it was Ginsberg and Kennedy. And I go, that's a great couple for nicknames from Her husband's name is Ginsberg. I thought it was Ginsberg and Kennedy. I go, that's a great couple for nicknames from the 60s. It's Candy. She just stuttered Candy

into Kennedy. I do have to say, a lot of people supporting Killer Termites, rocking the shirts, and coming out. I thought that was really awesome. Mike and Chrissy came from San Diego. San Diego. Santa Cruz. Nice.

We don't know who the cop is yet. The cop. DC, we'll just say you came for the game. Wait, that guy wasn't at the game. He had a shower. you came for the game. Wait, that guy wasn't at the game. He had a shower. So, yeah, thank you all for coming out. It was a fucking blast. It was so much fun.

Do we have anything else we need to talk about? No, then we're fine. Alright, that's, yeah. You can buy your Killer Termites t-shirts at DougStanhope.com. Yeah, there you go. Get your Kill a Termite's t-shirt. Wear it to the next game. You should have a booth

down the field. No, no, no. They sell their own shit. I made a point to tell the gal running, well, you don't know where concessions were. You know they were selling

t-shirts there for the saguaro? Yeah. You were on the mic. I don't know if you knew. No, no, we did it back and forth. I went, hey, Oki. But that's what,

I didn't know where they were, though. I was like, yeah. There's not a lot of places to go there. You can't get lost. That's why I said over there. I did tell them that we didn't sell anything. We were just giving them out.

That's how they make money for the teams. If you come and you smuggle your own booze and you ask the concession stand for a cup of ice, they know it's up. Just tip. Flip them a buck or two. There you go. Let's get back to an actual party and talk to people.

Dang, you killer termites. Oh, the score. What was the score? No, I thought it was 9-5. 9-4. 9-4. 9-5. 9-5.

You're good. 9-4 No, no We won 9-5 We won 9-4 9-5 I wrote it down You're good 1, 2, 3, 7, yeah Right on, baby The priest is here And the casket is ready Her body inside Looks nice and steady

Let's play it for the man For the last time, play it for the man Farewell Play pray for the man Farewell Pray for the man For the last time, pray for the man Praise the Lord And we got to go on with the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party

Got to go on with the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party Yeah! All right! With the hero party You got to go on With the hero party Yeah Alright Now the priest is talking And the gals get starts to move Everybody's crying We all got the groove

Let's play it for the man For the last time, play it for the man Farewell, play it for the man For the last time, play it for the man Praise the Lord And we got to go and meet the funeral party We got to go and meet the funeral party We got to go and meet the funeral party Got to go on Meet the funeral party

Got to go on Meet the funeral party Got to go on Meet the funeral party Yeah! Alright! Everybody, cry! Yeah! Yeah

Praise the Lord Yeah Yeah Yeah Praise the Lord And we got you gone With the funeral party've got you gone with the funeral party We've got you gone with the funeral party We've got you gone with the funeral party

We've got you gone with the funeral party Party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party Yeah! But, but, but, but, but, but, but Yeah