The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #180: On The Run with Shane Steddum in Fayetteville, AR

Episode Date: December 6, 2016

After the show in Fayetteville, AR Doug invites Shane Steddum to the Motel 6 to explain why he was on the run for 9 years.Recorded Sep. 29, 2016 at Bingo's Rehab in Tucson, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope) and Shane Steddum (@ShaneSteddum). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille).Doug's new special, "NO PLACE LIKE HOME", now available on CD at Amazon.com, iTunes, Google Play, Spotify and SIGNED copies at DougStanhope.com.LINKS: Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/   Cottonmouth Gumbo on Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/cottonmouthgumbo/?hc_ref=SEARCH&fref=nf   Balducci Levitation - http://www.wikihow.com/Perform-the-Balducci-Levitation   Holy Hell Documentary - http://www.holyhellthedocumentary.com/   Jebediah Buzzard Fright Time Funhouse - https://www.facebook.com/jebediah.buzzard   R. Lee Ermey - http://www.rleeermey.com/about.php   Church of the Hopeful Agnostic Podcast - http://www.podcastgarden.com/podcast/cotha   Closing song, "Debbie Hans Cocaine Train of Thought", by Cottonmouth Gumbo. Available on Soundcloud.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com    Order Doug's audio book, "Digging Up Mother", HERE.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

All right. Hey, this is the Doug Stanhope podcast live from shit pistol, Arkansas In the middle of the night in a roach strewn motel six Actually, I shouldn't even say shit pistol. I should actually say Lafayette. What's the what's the Fayetteville Hey, I didn't say it on stage. I fucked it up on a podcast you can't boo me now can you fayetteville arkansas what's the name of the street though college the motel six on college i should have known when we checked in because they have a big blown up sign at the front desk. No refunds after 10 minutes of checking in. You check that.

And then as soon as we get in here, I think it was about 11 minutes. Andy said before he said, I just stepped on five roaches on my floor. And I went, I stepped on two flies. And then I looked down and he goes, no, they're small roaches. I go, oh, maybe those weren't flies after all, because my contact lenses are all gummy. Anyway, did the show in Fayetteville. Arkansas is a very underrated state.

You always just, you assume it's the south but early on I'd only played Fort Smith and Little Rock just fucking dire pieces of shit and then we played the first time at the UARC Bowl or the ARC Bowl, whatever they called it

a few years ago, I'm here with Junior Stopka who's been commanded to not say shit because we have a i think it's going to be a very fun podcast a weird dude that emailed me we've fallen for this trick before but i pre-screened this guy like will from howard stern and now i know how to work it both ways will taught me a lesson and i learned a lesson from will about how to present yourself before an interview i don't even fucking remember your name shane stedham shane sent me an email and i go this sounds like a great story and he also said

i i i've done a podcast and i've'm like, this guy can probably talk on mic because we got fucked over before with people. This is my great story. And then we do a podcast where you go, yeah, no, we only, yeah, we went to school with that girl that ate a baby, but we just read it in the paper. Well, you said you knew a girl that ate her own baby. I'm just coming off of fucking acid

i'm still tripping and then you have nothing but you read it in the paper after you graduated you cocksucker i didn't say that they're still in the death pool they're good people but they can't tell a story sh Shane. Yeah. Arkansas. How is the story start? I'm just going to let Shane tell the beginning of the story. You're 25 years old. Something like that. At that time. Forget.

Yeah. Something like that. It was about 96. You're in the reign of a mad King George. The second, our governorship, uh, he was governor at the time.

And, one night I basically was heading to work and eat the mic oh yeah chaley's not here with the headphones so okay yeah i think i have my home said different um yeah and uh so head to work co-worker but had got the shit beat out of her by a by her boyfriend where were you working uh telemarketing place in denton eat the mic telemarketing place in denton te Texas. And basically we decided, yeah, we'll take her home, get her a safe place. A telemarketer beat the shit out of her?

No, no, no, no, no, no. You have to work with me, drunk. I get to work, co-worker, crying, what's up? Boyfriend beat the shit out of her again. Okay, he got arrested this time only because he threatened the cops. They were going to send her back upstairs while he's trying to throw her into moving traffic and kill her.

They witnessed it, and they gave her a pamphlet on domestic violence, said, why don't y'all go work it out? And she said, no, I want to press charges. Well, they threatened to arrest her for being a hostile victim. And then the minute that he said, fuck motherfuckers i'll kill you oh you've you've threatened an officer i just want to say uh it's been a long time since i worked denton texas yeah and you you realize those were the early days me with a mullet with cw kindle gigs where you're working knockadoches and long view and all these like scary fucking places especially when you're 25 i was 25 at the time ish and so now i forget those places really exist till i talk to you where now i'm working austin and fucking dallas and i don't i forget those

people are still fucking awful yeah tonight we're in fayetteville where i worked a a a fish restaurant it's fucking great i had we had a blast me and andy andrews and junior stopka but those people don't come out i'm sure if i was that same long-haired kid working fayetteville for just comedy night i'd go oh shit this might be like denton texas where you lived scary fucking places dry counties a lot of them right right so you're 25 in a scary fucking place right never been in trouble nothing like that so we're gonna we're gonna take her home that night um and uh my ex-wife hounded me to get some weed i'd already tried and normally i had a three strike rule if i try three times and there's a no-go i you know don't do it you know it's probably gonna be bunk we're gonna get ripped off so i go against my principles because she's

yammering in my ear. Slow it down for me. Oh, yeah. The three-strike rule is if you fuck up something three times. Well, if I, no, my three strikes was trying to score weed. If I try once, it's a no-go. Three times, try my third one, it's a no-go. I know it's probably going to be bunk if I go fourth. Right, just it means don't get it.

I honestly have the same rule for table jokes where if there's a bunch of people at a table and you think you have a smart ass comment to come back with and someone talks over you and you try a second time if you try the third time to listen and not laugh i honestly have that point's usually forgotten i got it yeah so uh finally i find somebody that's gonna have some weed you know she wants us to get weed calm down this girl and uh we got off work at two in the morning not a good time to be going to score weed anyway back up what oh we called into hawaii okay gotcha different time zone so gotcha so we go we get the weed. And my other rule was do not smoke in the car.

And do not, you know. Don't Cheech and Chong the fuck. Right. We lived out in the country. We lived in an intentional community, which is a commune. You know, I wanted to live off grid. I was experimenting with that. So we're going to.

My listeners know about off grid. Right, right, right. So we're going to smoke when we get up. Normally, we get on the dirt road. There's owls. Owls are living in that outhouse. Hey, I have an outhouse on my other land. I've just...

Yeah, I'm just doing a callback for the listeners. Absolutely, yeah. So another friend comes up, bounding up the parking lot that my wife hasn't seen in a long time. Oh, hey, let's smoke Lori out too. Let's drive around. No, it's a bad idea. My ex-wife. Don't worry.

I don't even call her wife. Talk to the people listening. Don't worry about the room. I'm trying to ignore the fact that Junior is sleeping. it's it's as as as an artist it's equivalent to someone sleeping in the front row of your show when they have a bed next door thanks thanks thanks for seeming so interested you fucking lummox so so laurie your wife at the time yeah Yeah, yeah. And so she wants to smoke this other girl out. Bad idea. Yammering in my ear.

Okay, fine. I fold. Roll it up. Don't even light it. Been out of weed for a month. I actually lit it. Didn't even get a hit. Light's behind me.

Shit. I eat the joint. The girls are laughing, freaking out, carrying on. I'm like, calm the fuck down. With fucking rollers behind you getting pulled over at night. They don't know it yet. They're laughing.

What the fuck's wrong with you? Like, there's a fucking cop behind us. So now I'm getting shit from my ex because I'm getting pulled over. All right, so I do the noble thing

and I keep the weed on me trying to be the chivalrous one. Forgetting the fact I'm dressed like a medieval sorcerer because I was also... Wait, wait, hang on. Pause on that part. You're dressed like a medieval sorcerer because I was also... Wait, wait, wait, hang on. Pause on that part. You're dressed as a medieval sorcerer.

My other side gig was performing at a Renaissance festival. So I step out. This is Texas. You couldn't combine the two and telemarket in the Renaissance festival? Well, I was telemarketing in my renaissance in my medieval hello i want to do a consumer survey my lord it's yeah it wasn't video telemarketing they knew i had my practice earlier that day they didn't care so uh i step out and they're already they're they're really impressed they smell the little bit of smoke and go oh we smell marijuana well i don't know what you're talking about sir what's that poking out of your back

well i also part of my costume had a large dagger that looked more like a dagger you need a hammer to actually stab somebody with it but now they have a reason to frisk me because they see something poking out of my back which they grab it uh i for listener, I want to remind you, if you can't tell by the voice, this is a white person. If you had that dagger behind you now, you would be a white lives matter. Yeah, yeah. And this is also the satanic panic never went away in certain parts of Texas. I went through that shit.

Let's not get off topic, but you want me. You're making me. We'll do that after the show. There you go. shit was crazy oh yeah mcmartin's i have lots of stuff on that so uh now they have a reason to frisk me what's this oh it's part of my magic act this gets written down that it is a ceremonial dagger for sacrificial purposes in the police report so this is the beginning of what my friend called the night of my spiritual de-pantsing you know uh now i'm i'm arrested you know they uh oh he wanted to smell my breath what's the charge oh the child mike oh yeah charges for for the for the weed they found the weed because now they had to pat me down because the knife and they're charging me

for uh unlawful carrying of a weapon thank god it wasn't actually a concealed just to back up a minute you the year roughly uh that weed charges have fluctuated that's just it in texas even at the time people in arkansas once i got here said they were going to send you away that long for a dime bag of weed how long uh they were going to put me in jail for a year and a half for this weed but because the knife was there too that was part of my costume it was a magic prop uh which had you know just happened to be in there so now i'm going to jail for the weed and the um hang on you're going to jail for the weed don't we won't edit this shit out because we the podcast gets fucked up. I'm just worried about you being off mic because Chaley just got back

and he can put headphones off because you keep talking off mic. Just making sure the levels are good. So Chaley, at some point, reach over his shoulder. So you get busted for the weed. Yep. And the cop, what did he say? He wanted to smell my breath. I hadn't even smoked any yet it's

like oh god this guy's bait so now they're also going to give me a dui driving while intoxicated i didn't even smoke it i got a taste of it and had to eat the thing he's going on how his eyes are burning my teeth are green that's a sign of you know so a chronic marijuana smoker this is sign of denton texas right right right and and you know i had nice choppers in i know they weren't green um so uh i get booked blah blah they're giving me shit about my magic props you know how much how much of this magic you stuff the stuff you do is real if only i could have done the balducci levitation and levitated right then i'd have had them but uh so yeah spend the night in jail very uneventful i get out the next day the girl I actually went to rescue bailed me out. She felt bad about it.

So now it's nearly a year later. My court date comes up. And that was, I'd gotten a few letters from a lawyer. The lawyer I secured, I didn't know anything about being in trouble. This is the same thing I did with my first accident. First time you've ever been busted. First time I've ever been in trouble, yeah. I wouldn't know shit at that age.

Had a couple of close run-ins, which, by the way, officer Gulkey, you didn't find that big grocery bag of mushrooms that time. You keep trying to drag me off topic. Yeah, so, Courtney, I got the first lawyer who I thought he was doing a nice thing by sending me a notice in the mail. Hey, we saw you got arrested. We'd like to represent you. Okay, sure. I'll go with that guy. Have you seen my billboard on the highway? Well, and little did I know this was a former prosecuting attorney,

now defense attorney, you know, so what's it what's gonna do for me? He's talking about Yeah, we're gonna get this dropped. You know, I had a letter from hawkwood the ren fest that the dagger was you know part of my show even staged a picture with it you know uh they never looked into any of this they kept sending me notices about oh you got a court date coming up i'd call them ask them about it oh you don't have to show up this is just paperwork the lawyer's telling you this who's supposed to represent me yeah finally i get a notice yeah this is the one you have to be at okay what. What do I need to bring? Oh, nothing is, you know, oh, and I won't be there. My assistant will be there. So this guy who's not even bar certified yet is going to represent me. And he, a minute I get in there, he finds me and says, okay, here's the thing. Sign this. I'm like, what am I signing? Well,

you're agreeing to go to jail, county jail, uh, starting a day for a year and a half. And no, I'm not agreeing to that. What are we dropping here? Aren't you going to defend me? Well, you know, this has already been decided. You should have fought this earlier if you were going to fight it. He just assumed I was going to plead guilty. He never asked you what your plea was. No, I was never told to be there. I was told, no, you don't have to even be there for this part.

I'll just fuck you behind your back. Basically, for $800, I was getting my hand held at a sentencing. fuck you behind basically for eight hundred dollars i was getting my hand held at a sentencing you know so honestly if i have any passion it's the criminal justice system the jail system all of this shit right so so uh yeah i start to argue with it's like the night of i'm like there's nothing stopping john tituro came in but he he wasn't cool he was more worried about his eczema in your case than your guilt or innocence right well there's no uh you know there's nothing stopping me from walking out you know i'm like i told him that so he goes back to this guy who looks like a toad with a tie three times too tight roll of fat hanging over his neck and that's the prosecutor.

He's going to make a deal with him. He's going to make a deal with him and goes back and talks more. I've got these letters. I've got these letters. So finally they agree to two and a half years of deferred adjudication. Okay, what's that mean?

Apparently it's like probation. They explain to me, if you so much as get the slightest traffic ticket, you'll go to jail for two and a half years. Fine, I'll sign anything. Just keep me out of this. Oh, and it'll trump up to a misdemeanor. A lot of it was bullshit. Are you in jail this whole time?

No, I was just in court. No, I only spent one night the night I got arrested. This was like six months later. My court finally came up. But they were going to send me down that day. And this is like six months later, my court finally came up, but they were going to send me down that day. So I get them to agree to two and a half years of deferred adjudication. And I asked him, why is it so stiff for this little bit of weed?

Well, that, that dagger charge, which they agreed to drop, but they're still holding it against me because as he said, they think you're a Satanist. Like, well, fuck, is that illegal? Doesn't matter. They, they're going to hold that against you. So the guy who was beating the shit out of a girl of trying to kill her guts, time served one night in jail,

they're going to put me away for a year, two and a half years, whatever. Okay. So fine. I signed this good. I'll stay out of jail. I'll be clean.

I just got, you know, it was the only thing I did was smoke weed. Um, so I meet my probation officer three days later. I walk in and I'm going to be chipper. I'm going to be happy. I'm going to be, you know, this guy's going to say I'm a good guy. First thing I see tattooed on his knuckles is Jesus, which looks more like sausage because he probably looked in the mirror to put it backwards. And now it's backwards. And of course,

one letter's over here and it doesn't look this is who this is the probation officer and he's just tapping on his desk and he's he's built like popeye he doesn't have he looks like the world champion olympic double-fisted masturbator because his forearms are massive and he has like skinny upper arms you know and he's just glaring like like someone sold his asshole shut and he's trying to pass a brick. Drumming on the desk and I'm like, hello, sir, how are you doing? And you're like, uh-huh.

What kind of church says you can carry a big old knife around? I'm like, what? He said, says right here you carry a knife for sacrificing. I'm like, no, no, sir. That was, you know,

I gave the explanation. So you don't have any respect for the police in uh i'm assuming in your defense you're saying this as a 25 year old kid yes yeah you're not saying it with the confidence you do after you've told this story to a bunch of people right right of course i'm more stammering y yammering, sweating. But I didn't do this. Right. Yeah. So he goes on a rant about, well, if only my church had let me carry an AK-47, I wouldn't have to deal with half you shits.

All right, fine. Okay, we're going to take a piss test. Okay. I'd been clean for three months, ready for that. I pee in this cup, and before he's even dipped the thing, he's decided I'm going to jail. And there's, I don't even see the line. He's saying there's a line on it. And he just says right there, I'm sending you back.

You're the Wes Denton one. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, good one, good one, yeah. And he says, you've got three days to turn yourself in, or we'll come get you. We know where you live, blah, blah, blah. I'm scared shitless. Little did I know that was really a big bunch of bullshit.

You know, he could have revoked the probation. I don't know. So I call my piece of shit wannabe lawyer and he says, oh, he's a good guy. Let me give him a call. Guy didn't call me back. I spend the day trying to call him back. Finally, he's like, yeah, I don't really know what to tell you. You know, if you want, you want me to represent you in an appeal i'll be happy to do that

fuck me i'm getting the fuck out and not that i was afraid of anything really thought anything was going to happen at y2k okay so this wasn't night this was coming more like 98 all right now we got it right it's getting close to y2k i was more hopeful i was ready to party like it's 1599 and plus i thought this is this will wipe the slate clean good i've got debt i've got a warrant you know that'll wipe it clean so yeah that's very funny i had some food store the the all this things in youth where you go oh y2k will eliminate all i don't have to file taxes right i'll get out i'll get away with all those two computers it'll never catch on this internet is a fad right no one will ever buy the internet

go ahead so at that point because we were living on this commune sort of thing there was a a guide to intentional communities which now the new C word for me is community. Like communes, communes basically. So most of these you have to- Wait, you go on the run? Yeah, yeah. I'm getting ready to. I'm like, I've got three days before they come get me.

I've got pigs, goats, chickens. So where do you find this commune? I go into the book of intentional communities because we were a member of the Federation of Intentional Communities or whatever this shit is. It still exists. Looking for the nearest one that would take us immediately, which most won't,

most of them want you to, yeah, we'll schedule a visit. You can come stay for a week, see if you like us, we like you, come back, and we'll vote on you if you want to be a member. Then you pay a hefty fee. This one was like, oh, y'all guys are young? Y'all guys are young?

And you've got food stored? And you want to come now? Sure, come on. Should have raised a red flag. Now, they claimed that they were democratic process and all that. We get there, and everybody's talking about this.

I have like three days to pack all the essentials in my little Toyota truck, find homes for my pot belly pig who lived in the house. He was, you can get comfortable like Junior was just, oh yeah. He, uh, yeah, this pig was, uh, you know, as to quote Samuel Jackson, he was 10 times more motherfucking charming than Arnold. You know, he, he lived in house. And he knew we were leaving. He was sad. That was heartbreaking.

You had a pot-bellied pig. Was that? Oh, that was last night. I made a joke about a pot-bellied pig. That was tonight. Somebody in bed with their pot-bellied pig. Yeah, the drunk guy. So we are home for the animals, all of this shit.

You had a fucking pot-bellied pig. That's hilarious. I just talked about that on stage as a random thing yeah yeah so yeah we've got they're like come on come on so you know three days later we haul ass and the saddest thing was it was my sainted grandmother's birthday coming up her 80th birthday i was supposed to be there and had to just call her and go i don't think i can make it and i couldn't tell any of my family what's going on because my dad is Hank Hill mixed with R. Lee Ermey. And would have immediately. Good references. He would immediately, well, now, son, you need to do the right thing and accept your lumps.

And then called in the troops to find me. I mean, even I'm married and I go, I go to visit and when I drive home, I have to call and ring the phone once. And then, then he's thinking, was that really him? Maybe it wasn't really him. Well, maybe, you know, and I don't answer the phone. So he would call his state trooper friends to look up and down the highways for my body. This is as an adult still probably would do it. So I can't tell my family anywhere, anything that's going on. I just take off. I call them when I'm about to hit the Ozarksarks and go i'll let you know at some point and they shit bricks because i'm the first one to move more than a couple of hours you know from shit splat texas

you know and uh i don't know where the fuck we're going never you know i visited fayetteville once and we get there to this group and we're going to head out to this place the next day. What are they like? Old hippies. Really soon, I realized this is a retirement home for old hippies. And they were happy to have strong young backs. And, yeah, so one guy comes. Branson of communes.

And they seemed all okay. Now the group leader comes in. Wavy gravy and headlining three nights a week. Oh, no, no. The group leader thought he was Ram Dass, and it changed his name to Ghana. Don't know Ram Dass. Have you seen, and I'm saying this to plug it, Holy Hell?

Yes, yes. I just watched that. Netflix. Oh, yeah. So I'm thinking this when you go so you go to this commune everyone will look up holy hell and watch it right and most people are pretty cool well now this group leader guy comes in and of course he walks in kind of you know and he's this old fat dude who has changed his name to like gonorrhea something you know that's what i called

him is are you are you buying him at first no absolutely not absolutely it's all bullshit to you yeah you're just on the lamb from the law i don't want to do two years yeah it's like they're gonna take us and our dog that was the big thing our dog had to come too so okay we're gonna be out in the middle of fuck nowhere and we'll be hidden good and she wanted the breeze but if you have to if you have to hang on i i we already talked about that but she hates the smoke so it's up to you we're going to be smoking so yeah and if you have to go fucking wander around the parking lot and buy whatever they're selling out there beside that uh jacked up ford tempo on blocks all right

so i wish i wish we could have video of everything i'm talking about the situation we're in in a motel six and we could come back i called it lafayette off the top don't edit that out chaley i said lafayette she goes now it's fayetteville and i was trying to just ask for the street so we could shit on this hotel so go ahead jane yeah the uh the guys you know i'm not buying it yeah you know he's he's talking about the the diva of the land has informed me that there shall be no meat or any animals taken from the land i'm like fuck you i'm a meat eater you know and first thing i do is i get out there I kill a rattlesnake and eat it, you know, because there's no meat. And so the next day, yeah, we're all going to head out there.

All right. You have to either drive. This was land that this guy bought in the 70s. Now, this is why this area is interesting. A lot of hippies. Tell me again where this wasn't. This was still northwest arkansas like what they consider the four northwest counties around here it's still the kind of in the 70s a lot of hippies

came out here and they just sort of hybridized in with the hillbillies and so you'll meet out in booger county you're going to meet mystic bubble mccoy and you know moon feather hatfield yeah shit like that yeah so uh he bought this land back then him and his wife homesteaded hippie hippie homesteaders and this was remote as fuck you had to either drive across the creek eight times and only could get through in the driest time of the year or hike for two hours and we had to hike in this is in april april cold as shit we hiked through i mean you know two hours and then walked through a creek up to our chest in the swirling water not still not i don't know where the fuck i'm going these people are going to eat us and get out there what were the other cult people like they were all

pretty cool old hippies they're just old hippies so they're kind of not really buying into old duty no one's buying into no they're just kind're just kind of like pat him on the head. He's the old chief. It's going to get a, we get a free place to live. Right. Right. And, uh, just take everything he says with a grain of salt. Show up at bingo.

Right, right, right. Every Sunday we had to go to bingo. So just show up and they'll leave you alone. When he says hurry home, just smile, you know, it blesses you. And he, he pretty soon, well, he, he asked me, what, how do you feel about protection devices? And I said, well, you know, if you're going to, you know, poke it. Blesses you. And he, he pretty soon, well, he, he asked me, what, how do you feel about protection devices? And I said,

well, you know, if you're going to, you know, poke a weird hole, protection device. Yeah. He calls them protection devices. I think if you're going to poke a weird hole,

wrap that thing. He said, Oh no, no, I mean, firearms. I thought he meant a condom, but he's talking about guns.

Oh yeah, no, no. You live out in the woods. You need a gun, you know? Okay. Well,

we have a few. And that's when you pull your plastic saber out of your back you know i got a protection device so what turned into a couple of shotguns within a few weeks is becoming more and more dragging in buckets and buckets of ammo and talk about the marauding bands that are going to come through and devastate us at y2k and then he's bringing in these and page four it turns out he is what's the fucking waco guy god oh that's it i grew up not far from waco correct david koresh yeah i was trying to do paul harvey revealing the end of the story as david koresh but i didn't have the reference and that's why i stink as a comic and i'm in a roach riddled fucking motel six. So more and more he's bringing in tubes

that he's like, let us have weed out there. Nothing illegal out here, but bury this, sir. I'm the strong back. Bury this, sir, immediately. What is it? Oh, nothing is not illegal. Just bury it. You need to bury it now.

You hear a plane that doesn't. Shit, bury it now. So I have no idea it was in the tubes, but I don't know if anybody in listeners have ever tried to dig in arkansas you dig two inches and there's a slab of rock the size of a volkswagen you break through that and there's another fucking slab of rock so i buried a lot of fucking ammo out in this place buckets and buckets and buckets and what started off with a couple of shotguns is pretty soon this plan of every able-bodied man woman and child will have an ak-47

and a tech nine i'm like yeah it's time to get the fuck out of here where the fuck are we going to go well a lady in there her son who was wanted her out of there found out we're trying to get out he comes out doesn't even know us and says come on you can stay at my place get the fuck out so that we're what do they call those when they would rescue people from uh cults in the 80s oh like or even intervention or the deprogramming yeah deprogramming and there was really it wasn't cultish at all the old guy wanted to be cultish he kept saying this is a plural marriage don't fuck you you know even in the holy hell they try to do that and you know you're an idiot exactly you could do the same thing with catholicism christianity any fucking religion but they're popular so sure sure race a bunch of

people and this is bullshit stop going to church on sunday it's the same thing it's just a yeah go exactly it's just a replacement yeah so we ahead. Exactly, it's just a replacement, yeah. So we get the fuck out of there. We come and stay in Fayetteville for a little while, and this couple and another couple are going out on some land, and said, hey, you can set up out there, you know. If you want to buy a chunk,

there's other land available when you get on your feet. We've got $4, have had $4 for the last several months. Didn't need money. We're in the middle of fucking nowhere, you know, didn't see civilization for a while. And I mean, this is remote, you know, didn't see anybody else. They were the only people allowed to drive in because that land was grandfathered into a wilderness preserve. But now we're in Fayetteville. We're, uh, they get this land out in Madison County. The horror movie Madison county was shot

in this madison county booger county as they know just down the road that's where we've got our land we're building a compound ourself now um and uh not know anything about it i later found out this is outlaw country you know i'm here on borrowed credentials that a dear friend let me that's a real friend who lets you memorize his driver's license and social security number and all that in case a cop says, because in Texas, you get pulled over, they check everybody. You don't have your ID, you better rattle off 20 questions real quick. And without stammering.

So I had the shit from a magic act. I knew, you know, mnemonics, how I would remember shit. So I just had it ready to go, you know. So I've got that identity. You're still worried about this warrant and doing right right years in prison for fucking weed and oh yeah and back but this is around that's that vague period where the internet kind of existed but not a lot of people but most it was mostly dial-up still mostly dial dial-up. I think high-speed was just coming around, but it was still dial-up, high-speed, exactly.

Which is all we had for a long time. Where was that? Yeah, we get the fuck out of there. Now we're out in Booger County. Yes, thank you. Out in Booger County, and we're looking at this land. And the first night out there, okay, yeah, they've sold on the land and closed on it and said we can set up a camper out there stay there now we meet the locals this is my first locals in booger county i've met

and this guy rides up four wheelers coming up we're in the dark it's you know dark out there and we hear two shots one whizzes past us guy comes up on a four-wheeler he's got a deer he's like howdy like hi said yeah it's my hunting land and i said okay well we just bought this land uh-huh it's my granddaddy's land it's where i hunt and that's just that's the only thing his only response so yeah well we just bought it yeah it's where i hunt okay this is going nowhere well i brought you a deer. Threw us a gut shot deer, which is, it spoiled me. And he shot it in the gut.

You know, it's nothing. Okay. One shot, Nicky. It's a deer hunter reference. The thing's still twitching, you know, like, okay. Yeah, thanks. And he drives off, shoots two more and brings them to us. Like, okay, stop.

Why don't you take these? I don't shoot them. I don't need them to shoot and be shooting them. I'm like, oh, fuck. Well, now he immediately immediately the next day starts setting up his shooting range across the fence aiming towards where we're at which eventually we retaliated with a lot of uh bottles full of uh dry ice and hot water that every night when he'd come home from work and fire every gun he had no they blow up they sound like a stick of dynamite all right i'm saying okay i get a backup you're on the lamb you have four dollars where the fuck you're out in the middle of nowhere yeah where do you find dry ice dry ice oh oh well the other lady this was

later on after the other couple had established out there, when she would bring ice cream, you know, from in town, she would pack it in dry ice. And that's where we'd get the dry ice. And then we would fill these four. I got my bullshit detector on all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right. I can back it all up. I can back it all up, as outlandish as it sounds. No, no, you're doing good.

So we would hurl those behind his trailer house, and they would blow up. And then he would shut up, you know, for a while and stop shooting his dogs. Cause that was Tim we dealt with for a while. So we're in this trailer freezing our asses off. And finally I realized this isn't going to work. So I come up with an idea. I'm going to make a wigwam, not knowing how to make one. And I make a, look like a giant trash bag.

It was a neo-primitive wigwam wrapped in visqueen, but it was styling much better than the. I won't even ask where you got the visqueen because i trust you yeah yeah yeah um and uh we i lived in that thing for two years had adobe fireplace stone floor deer hides on the you know for carpet and uh so during this time uh there's a place down the road called terra studios that they make the little glass bluebirds you've probably seen all over they're're world famous. And they have a restaurant. And I get the idea, all right, the only means of making money I've got right now is probably my magic act. I'm going to go there and see if I can table hop. I get a gig there. So now, oh yeah,

one thing I got to back up. At one point, that whole thing about the hippie hillbilly hybrids, I thought maybe if I, the best way to blend in yeah yeah well just in arkansas in general back in the 70s you know the hippies blended with a with a hillbilly so that one word name is kind of common and my ex and i thought how better to blend in but to in plain sight in some fringe group that's just kind of like yeah yeah yeah okay you know so i you know had a lot of like different crowley books things like that your name was free visqueen no it was how the fuck did you get dry ice i come up with something about uh i've looked through a book one day it's like what is this nahash what does this mean oh it's the hebrew word for serpent well

that sounds interesting i'll go by that and the first time somebody says oh you cherokee no no that's hebrew oh you jewish without even thinking what yeah so now i'm have my identity also a borrowed identity and now i'm jewish and uh and now i'm in living in a wigwam thinking I'm completely hidden out, scared shitless of cops. Anytime we do go out anywhere, I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ, it's a cop. And because, you know, shit I dealt with in high school, locker rooms and all that, jail is going to be, yeah, no, no. And I'm just not going.

I'm a fucking grown adult making a good living. I'm a homeowner. I do nice things in my community i see a cop i'm fucking terrified i have nothing on me i haven't done anything illegal i'm fucking terrified and that's not what cops should represent no no that night nobody protected there's a reason that you're terrified of police and that's their fucking problem to fix and then when dallas happens that's your pr problem but go ahead but uh my my first encounters with cops in arkansas holy shit they were people you know i'm that's when i where i live now right i live in a small

town the way it describes it's very similar you you meet everybody you know they're people this all boils down to every conversation we have with chad shank and myself drunk well it's too many people because when we live when we know the cops there they're human beings and they're not and right and they have to act responsible in the same way they can't go to Safeway if they kill an unarmed black youth. Right, right. Small town, it definitely is different. Happened one time. But I think I'm completely hidden out there.

And I go to the little country store, which everybody's sort of accepted. Okay, they don't really say a lot about themselves. They're probably hiding out. It's outlaw country. They know it. And another just could be a whole podcast about our outlaw sheriff the

outlaw sheriff that went for 30 years but uh i'm standing out there outside the little store and here comes a cop pulls up i'm like oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck he starts walking there's a beeline walking right towards me oh shit hang on you're a long hair now yeah right now you look like i'm looking more hillbilly you know i look like i blit at that time but i was gonna say hank williams the third but i don't even know he's long hair but yeah you look like a gorgeous dude hillbilly any chick would want to fuck just because of your accent and your tan leathery like outdoor worker tan sure that sounds wonderful but uh yeah in reality so i'm standing there and here comes the cop but no my question was were you a long hair oh yeah yeah oh yeah i have been oh yeah yeah i always stood out even if i tried to fit in

but you're in that community that's why i'm asking and uh the you know the local store owner everybody you know see me come in they're kind of accepting okay this guy live out in the woods and i think i'm hitting but cops cop comes right up introduces himself and uh oh my name's you know i throw off the borrowed credentials that you're gonna be warming that thing you're staying in there's no road to the thing i'm going in there's a foot trail out in the hills and i'm like yes sir okay you got a good storm coming in you know make sure you got enough wood i'm like thank you and you have any trouble that neighbor of yours here's my card there's my cell number call me first time i ever had a cop actually offer help like that and every once in makes a difference so and then that brings this that builds up to the next cop story uh the theisking, the night that Harpo got frisked.

So I get this gig table hopping at this restaurant, living in a wigwam. Table hopping? Is that busing? That's, no, going to, doing magic, table to table. All right, got it, got it. Yeah, close up magic. So, and now, before I decide to do the, you know, I don't perform as myself usually doing magic. I'll do a character.

That's the Ren Fest. So now I'm thinking, what kind of character I do? I'll be British. So now I'm, this guy's borrowed credentials. Oh, wait, wait, hang on, hang on. You're doing table magic in a restaurant. Yeah, yeah. And you go, how can I make this even more annoying British accent?

Exactly. I will be the most annoying person. Could I spit in your lunch as well for the hat check? And my British accent is all learned from Monty Python skits. But I'm pulling it off with the locals. Give him a fucking book because he's obviously not read my book. There's too many fucking parallels here. Oh, I bought one.

You signed it. Well, read it, because there's a lot of parallels in this. So I start doing this British magic act there. The chef was on the whole time. He knew it the whole time. I thought I was fooling everybody. So now, to some people, I'm this, what, Jewish hillbilly hippie. Other people, I'm, you know.

British Jewish. If a cop pulls me over, I'm my friend Brian. what Jewish hillbilly hippie, uh, other people, you know, British Jewish, if a cop pulls me over on my, my, my friend Brian, if, uh, you know, and if I'm in the restaurant,

I'm this British guy named Nigel Bamberg with a suit that would rival anything you have. And those fucking tweed, I thought I found it in a thrift shop with those tweed hats from the Monty Python that has no bill that it skips down. And, you know, so I'm coming and doing this act. And, uh, now one night I was working with one of these other people who had bought the land letting us stay there built the wigwam on working in fayetteville doing some paint work assholes driving back through elkins which is in the year 2000 was a book of top 10 lists and it

was the number two worst speed trap in the in the country the speed limit would go 55 25 35 45 25 and they were just waiting behind those signs you and of course in my situation driving through elkins it was don't breathe asshole pinched for the next two miles and then finally okay good i i'm 25 years on the road i still feel like that oh sure chaley and i this tour between amarillo and oklahoma city there was cops like okay there's nothing on the rand mcnally truckers road atlas there's not a town listed between amarillo and sayer uh oklahoma which is like 90 miles and we saw six different cops pulling people's shit out they're tearing people's vehicles having them fucking on the car or handcuffed so yeah i'm still fucking terrified oh yeah no oklahoma one time i was i got pulled over

in two-tone purple bell bottoms you know trying to explain the cop i don't smoke marijuana sir with copies of high times in the back end as he searched the car i forgot my iguana was in there and he just thought it was plastic picked it up and it slapped the fuck out of him across the tail he came out with a look like he got hit by a whip is that poisonous oh yes it can be it didn't bite you did it iguana lives matter that's right yeah he just opened fire i was afraid he was going to shoot it yeah but uh well the the funny thing is it wasn't till like the last five six years i started wearing purple fucking bell oh yeah i'll be wearing if it's out of style you know like this you were in character then now i'm just just trying to remind myself that I'm a comedian by wearing stupid shit so I don't take myself too seriously. So this town, Elkins, we're driving through there and the asshole's speeding.

I'm like, dude, slow down. You know my situation. Fucking slow down. Oh, no, man. If you go under the speed limit, they think you're hiding something. Go over the speed limit. They think you're cool. You ain't worried.

We pass by a state trooper. I'm like, motherfucker, slow down. Well, maybe we can get on up here and he had enough cars between us. He'll give up. I'm like, it's Elkins at nine o'clock. He has nothing to do. So the lights are on and the guy keeps going and he's trying to speed up and I'm about to punch the fucker. Finally pulls over, you know, a couple of miles out of town. I mean, it was almost a chase and I'm like, that's it. I'm going down. I'm going down. Okay. I'm going to run and let him shoot me in the back. Cause I'm not going to jail. You know, I've got all my shit. Hang on just for, uh, how many years has it been or months or whatever?

This has been maybe a year. How long have you been on the lam? About a year, About a year. So now my, he pulls us over, questions him. You know, he's, the cop's pissed. And he's, oh, I didn't see you, sir. He just plays stupid. He is stupid.

Yeah, oh, he was stupid. Yeah, he wasn't playing. It was method acting. So then he asked me, you have any ID, sir? Oh, you know, I've just come here. I'm trying to get work here. Well, they gave him the whole rundown, spouted everything off. Wait, are you doing this in the British accent? I've just come off the boat, my love.

And sounding a bit Jewish. Yeah, sounding scared and Jewish. Yeah, too. I've just come off the boat, smushka. Shloime. Shloime. just come off the boat. Shmooshka.

Shloime. So, so he, he asked me to step out of the car, give him the credentials and he goes back and I know he's just playing because this guy's credentials are good. He comes back. They don't know who you are. Nothing came up.

Well, I don't know what to tell you, sir. You know, you want my social security number? I got that too. Well, it's not necessary.

It explains to me, look, I don't want to arrest you. I have no interest in arresting you. I want to go home, but I don't know if you're hiding a wallet on me. So here's, and he was so nice about this. Here's what I'm going to do. I want you to put your hands behind you. Oh, by the way, before he went to the car, I remembered, oh, there's a one hitter pipe I have on me that should go away. I just got it out of my pocket about the time he walked up. And the whole time, I've got it finger palmed like a cigarette. You know, it's a magic move. Table magic? Yes.

I've got the thing palmed. Put it in your fake thumb? Right. Hoping I can get rid of it. And he explains he's going to go through my pockets. And it's like, something told me to get that fucking thing out. I don't believe in premonitions or any of that shit. But that day I did, and I was thanking God told me get that fucking thing out i don't believe in premonitions in that shit but that day i did and i was thanking god i did that bit about that

tonight yeah i was not an atheist that night so uh he explains he's gonna gently hold my hands behind my back as he feels to make sure i'm not hiding a wallet or a weapon and he starts to pat me down and now i've got a motorcycle jacket that the lining is torn out and i have no idea what's fucking falling inside the back and he reaches in like what's this i'm like i don't know and he pulls out there's some rope well some of my magic shit's in there so he starts to pull the rope and he pulls the rope and he pulls the rope and he pulls the rope and finally pulls it out with a big pair of boxer shorts on the end and then a dove flies out and he says, ta-da. And he starts to just pull shit out of my pocket. So shit's falling in the liner.

He pulls out a copy of Hustler. It's laying up there. Because I had to hide the Hustler from my ex-wife. So it's hidden in the liner of my leather jacket. At the end of this, remind me of the Hustler story. I don't want to interrupt him, but go ahead. And by now he's pulled out a miniature rubber chicken a whoopee cushion a severed fake finger a waterfall deck of cards

that's stringing everywhere another miniature deck of cards that falls out now he's trying to hold my fingers he's doing magic for himself he's like i don't get it how did he how did you do that how did i do that the you know The feather flowers was the next thing. They just weren't in there that night, unfortunately. So now the cards are blowing. He's trying to hold my fingers and my hands together while he's picking up miniature cards. I'm going, fuck, don't find the pipe,

because I dropped the pipe at that point. And now I'm sweating, because he's going to come across the pipe. He manages to get all the cards, and I'm just like, oh, it's okay. Those are good. Those are good. Those are disposable. I don't need them.

Gets everything together, piles it all up, looks at it a minute, and said, all right, get your shit together. Get your ID. I don't want to see you again. And take your shit home, bozo. And yeah, that was fun. That got me out. And I had a few other times

of hiding you know how long how long did you spend on the road i spent two years in that on the lamb i should say oh uh nine it was finally nine and uh so this yeah this is year one right what were the other well the other years here i'm trying to fly under the radar one plus nine oh eight how many what'd you do with the other eight years sorry i had to do math well after it turned out one of the other people on the land uh had confessed that he was a child molester also well i don't want to live out the fuck out here that was the guy who almost got me arrested that night i don't want to rat you out yeah right right but i want to rat you out. Yeah. Right. Right. But I want to rat you out. Like you're the worst person.

Oh yeah. No, if I write you out, you're in a wreck. Exactly. So that's immediately what he's going to do. He confessed to me and I didn't give him a hug. He's going to rat me out.

So a dear friend who, uh, I'll just, I'll just drop this in. I had a, Oh no, I've smeared his name all over the fucking place. I had a similar situation on a very small level

where I broke down in the middle of nowhere and someone picked me up and they were immediately the most racist person in the world. Oh, yeah. And you go, okay, I'm in Roswell, New Mexico, 30 miles outside of Roswell. I need to get to the gig and i'm hitchhiking and you pick me up and then you're being fucking homophobic or racist and why are you wearing an

earring are you a faggot you know what uh no it means i killed a guy in prison right and this nigger racist faggot and i'm like all right you threw me a fucking lifeline to get me to this gig i made the gig right right sometimes you have to yeah i mean it was something he had done before if there was anybody but i made sure people were watching his ass and they do he doesn't leave the mountain anymore he can't um like holy hell documentary i keep plugging exactly that guy's still out there. He's still got followers. He's in Hawaii. So ruin his life. So, yeah, I had one other as I'm trying to fly under the radar. Here I am with a magic act and almost got to I had an opportunity to sue the fuck out of a state representative who caused my head to catch on fire.

And as I was doing dinner theater, he calls to no call. Almost caught. He caused my head to catch on fire as I was doing dinner theater. He caused to- No, almost, he caused my head to catch on fire. Messed with my props. Drunk senator, a drunk state representative who would come in with a country club, as I'm doing on Magic Act. We did a dinner theater one night. 20 bucks, you come in, you get dinner theater, blah, blah, blah. Nobody sits back here. This is, you know, you're able to see secret operations.

Drunk fucks come in because this was a state rep. Wait, you mean magic is a trick? Yeah. I didn't want you to see the demon back there. You're no sorcerer after all. My friends found out. So I'm trying to do my act act they let these fucking drunk country club people in who are like he's hiding behind it you know they're exposing everything i'm doing in between

sets i'd done uh two nights two shows a night for the last three weeks in between sets or they fucked up the first show my fire eating act eating fire as you put torches out in your mouth it's it's not a torch it's not a trick it's a skill drinking a ladle full of flaming liquid is a trick he's up there bumbling around drunk bumps walking on the stage bumps into my bucket so when i go to do that trick this is the opener i pour a ladle full of flaming lighter fluid in my mouth and spit it out immediately all over my suit my suit goes up i put that out my face goes up i put that out you know back and obviously it's some kind of polyester nylon it's yeah yeah yeah it's a magician yes it's melting it's napalm now it's bubbling as is my face and uh if you have ever

seen the crying vietnamese girl the, that was me three weeks later. That was him going, ta-da. Oh, I knocked him dead. The country club people shut the fuck up real fast. That's why your gal pal is hating a cigarette smoke. It reminds her of your burning flesh Holocaust smell of that night. I didn't get to sue him because I was on the lam, you know, so fuck that.

So that's another bullshit about the war on drugs. I could have sued the fuck out of a state rep for catching me on fire and I couldn't, you know. You wouldn't have won though. Probably not. It's the same way, yeah. But I could have fucked up his campaign maybe. It's like unarmed black man doesn't win.

Right, right. Hey, my, yeah. So yeah, after that, you know've i've got to get off of this land bad storms coming another dude i met said hey y'all y'all got it once y'all come and stay in town you know and some actual warmth so here i had a wigwam that had a wood burning stove uh gravity feed spring water all of that go and stay in town all-electric house, and then the worst fucking storm ever hits, and everything's covered with ice, and I would have been doing better in the wigwam

because now everything's shut off. We're on the highest hill in Fayetteville. Nobody can get there to us. Yeah, toppest. No, no, you're talking like the locals now. Right, right. You know how to fit in now by saying it's the toppest hill. Against, yeah.

So, you know, stay up there a little while and uh you know basically my my ex gets some work in town i'm trying to still fly under the radar and still trying to blend in get a gig at a local magic shop uh i was a successful fart machine salesman for a while you know i can to say, what did you say, a magic shop here? Okay, I got it. How many people can say that they were successful? Yes, I hard sold those. What's holding you back from the whoopee cushion, ma'am? I get commission on this.

Oh, this was the new thing. This is when the electronic fart machines first came out. This was the hot number, man. I got you. Yeah, I made a lot of commission off of that. So I worked for that guy for a little while, but then when it came time to make a paycheck, I'm like, yeah, can you just pay me like a contractor,

like I'm a magician? Just pay me in cash. Oh, no, he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't do that. I could not get his account to do that. So I finally just made a deal with him one day. He said, look, look, I'm going to take some props in exchange because you shouldn't have hired me if you wasn't going to do that.

You said that'd be cool. So yeah, I went on with that. And then my ex and I find some land out in the fuck middle of nowhere again in booger county madison county booger is the old uh word for ghost hillbilly word for ghost it's the old haunted county gotcha and uh now i'm out there for about another seven or so years just uh biding my time looking over my shoulder worried the fuck that you know an escape farming the tomatoes that's what i did i started doing farmers markets you know well no i would i worked for shine moonshine quite often uh there was uh locals down the road that i could go and do some work for an old couple and get a quart of shine and a chicken and uh yeah it was great it was

fucking great you know work for tomatoes you know and, work for some smoke, that sort of thing. And my ex got a gig at the Access TV station. So still trying to fly under the radar under what? We're up to four or five names now. Then I become Jebediah Buzzard, the first, Arkansas's first. No one would ever be suspicious about Jebediah. Especially with the green zombie makeup on you know so i started doing it you started with a fucking plastic sword and a ren fest and now

you're wearing alien makeup no zombie zombie uh a dead carnival barker the point is yeah that's how you fly on the land yeah and then get in a movie with Billy Bob Thornton. It's actually kind of a good idea. You just put on some Spock ears and a fucking pig nose. Once I get out there, I start doing a horror host show that I produce from there. Like Sven Gulli? Yeah, yeah. Like Sven Gulli. May I plug that?

Yeah. It's not on anymore but yeah look up fright time fun house or jebediah buzzard google it you'll find some shit you know you don't even know his background with haunted houses absolutely oh no i'm totally a horror uh no i've worked a lot of haunts yeah i don't know i don't know what chapter you're on yeah yeah yeah so we're getting we're getting towards the end. Yeah, yeah. So I'm out there, you know, Kingston, just, you know, biding my time with some hillbilly tree surfing. That's a sport I made up. When the creek gets so flooded that trees are washing down it, because at this point, my kind of an ex-wife is just,

it's wearing on me. I would have divorced her the second year into the marriage, but we sort of ended up stuck together on the land. If you divorce her, she's going to talk. That's. Oh, and there was so many,

you know, the, you know, the, the insanity that you have to deal with is endearing this. No, yeah, yeah,

yeah. We saw casino with Robert De Niro. This is fuck. Yeah. Sharon's down. But I got Robert De Niro. This is fucking... Sharon Stone's on tilt, but I got to shut her up. Oh, this is getting there. Yeah, yeah. And it's just starting to wear on me like,

fuck, I can't have a driver's license. I don't have a driver's license. I can't do that. I thought I could get one maybe as soon as I got here, but I was like, fuck, are they going to... Yeah, I chickened out. I thought I could get one. By now, the internet's kicking in too.

Then it wasn't. I could have just got a driver's license. Everything had been cool. You're going from, like, the late 90s to mid-2000s, and oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Everyone knows everything. And now they were still hardcore looking for me in Texas. They still kept calling my parents for this little bit of weed because the sheriff there

had made this massive compound of a jail that he had to fill. He's the Sheriff Joe Arpaio of his time. Exactly. Bringing in prisoners from state prisons. compound of a jail that he had to fill he's the sheriff joe arpaio exactly bringing in prisoners from state prison he doesn't like violent offenders because he gets that kickback from the state if they house him my brother-in-law was a prison guard told me how it works they bring him in overnight they sit there in a gym overnight as long as that prison number passes through the doors spends a certain amount of time they get paid a hundred and something bucks a day per head. So that's what Weldon Lucas, sheriff there,

was doing with state prisoners from Illinois. There's fucking Chicago gangbangers in there with the passive hippies who they love to arrest because parents pay a lot of money and they'll go send them out on the work farm. And it was just fill beds, fill beds, fill beds, with the people whose parents will keep paying money. It might as well have been Mexico getting arrested in a Mexican jail. Yeah. Private prison. And so they really were looking for that little bit of weed. So many people I know left Denton County for that. People left this, left the country. I mean, people like just sitting in a

living room. This guy has a warrant or has a bounty hunter after him because he didn't pay his bail. Door gets busted in and everybody in there got arrested for a sheet of acid in the freezer and no everybody's going so many people left and it the warrants got so clogged up within the system that after a while and i kept looking for that that lawyer with a flaming sword of justice and i would talk to someone like this is bullshit yeah we can get this cleared up you know know, I find one here in town who's certified for Texas too. And it'd make some calls and he'd call back and go, man, uh, yeah, you need to just lay low, turn yourself in. And they were serious. So that's scary. Finally, that whole administration got an enema. I mean, my probation officer, the sheriff, the DA, and they just wanted to get rid of these warrants. So, uh, my, my,

my folks had a good lawyer. It was just, Oh, folks had a good lawyer. And, uh, apparently he was like, okay, I know the DA, you know, I'm going to make a deal. And I wouldn't sign it. I wouldn't agree to nothing. They called me up one day and said, look, this guy will get you out. And I'm like, I trust him as far as I can bounce them off a pile of dog shit you know especially before i said no this guy is certain i want i want a letter i actually took a moment in my drunkenness wait no it wouldn't bounce off dog exactly a second do you trust him or not I loved the analogy, but I'm like, wait, dog shit. What is it? Firm dog shit. So yeah, that was my look of confusion.

Go ahead. You don't trust the lawyer. Go ahead. So, uh, he, I said, if I get a letter signed from the DA, okay, I got a letter signed from the DA. I'm like, all right, I'll go back to Texas. And this has been, you know, nine years. Yeah.

And I did go back scared shitless. My dad drove all the way down to drive and rode me back, and I was ready to hide in the fucking floorboard, you know, but he's fucking, you know, Arlie Ermey and, you know, Hank Hill, so he's fine. For the listeners that don't get the reference, Arlie Ermey is someone you'll fucking Google search because you're a piece of shit for't get the reference arlie ermie is someone you'll fucking google search because you're a piece of shit for not knowing the reference i'm not explaining go ahead so i

did go go ahead private pile and by that time my sainted grandmother had gone into total dementia you know so that was that was the part that hurt the worst you know seeing like now she's like 90 well she she passed away last year she passed away last year but she was so she's she's oh she was 106 oh my great-grandparents well i they were around when i was yeah in my first marriage i mean they were you know 98 99 you know that's a living hell oh they were awesome they were the shit man moonshiners and all that yeah but i'm, having to talk to people with dementia for 20 years, I'm so happy my parents died, and now I don't have to talk to my brother anymore.

I have no family at all. I love it. I have no obligations. Yeah, yeah. Well, they're family. Yeah, you don't choose family. My friends are fucking great. Yeah, right.

Family, you have to. She was the one I could hang with any time. She was the first family member I knew had my back. So you liked her aside from the fact that she was family. Oh, right, right. I would have hung out with that old lady any time. She was the shit. So yeah, they send me the signed deal, and I get there, and my lawyer's not there.

It's like down to the minute. I have to check in. Lawyer's not there. Lawyer's not there. I'm shitting the bricks. And finally, here he comes, and I haven't met the guy yet. And this guy is, I can see he's my hero. I mean, he looks like, he's like walking tall.

He's getting over there. He's like cowboy hat. He's the Texas lawyer you would imagine. Cowboy hat, bolo tie don't worry we got this okay i walk in and they immediately send me over to that box where you're not going to leave and i'm like wait hang on i'm picturing the russian box no in court where they have a cage in the court yeah oh yeah yeah it might have you know what i'm talking about it might as well have been to me there might as well have been razor wire and all that but there's that area that

if you go and you check in and you're not going to leave the courtroom that day you know you're not going home you go sit over here well they sent me to sit over there and i'm like no no but i'm not supposed to and the bailiff's like calm down we're not gonna arrest you i don't want to arrest you you just just a formality this is already worked out oh they already knew it's already worked out okay and i'm sitting just and you see my dad's back there like fuck what did i do you know because yeah and no it was just it was cut and dry they were like yeah okay we agreed to this we agreed to this we're going to do this and i was supposed to agree to losing and now suddenly there's a charge for a hot check, which I'm like, I closed that account a year before I left.

There was a check that sent it to the drawer in Kroger, and it ran out that was no good anymore. But they cashed it and then sent a warrant after me for that. And I'm like, no, but that's like, don't rock the boat. You're getting off light. You're going to pay a couple hundred bucks, and you're done. Just go with it okay okay and then they bring up the well we're gonna revoke your license like well hot shit that thing will last seven years ago you know

so now what i've got to do now i'd already checked to get a driver's license in arkansas if my license had lapsed i'd called early all right how do i get one let's say my license left haven't had one seven years and they said well you'll you need an id and said well i have one well it has to be a current id well what about my driver's license well is it expired like yeah well that's no good i'm like it's still me i'm still me yeah you know get me off topic again so they said what actually would work better what what works in Arkansas as valid ID is a Sam's card. Just remind me, Chaley. I told you to remind me of something else I already forgot,

but my driver's license story from California. After we're done with this, go ahead. So, all right, but if you have a Sam's card, that's a valid ID in Arkansas. It's as good as a military id no i don't have a sam's card i've been living in a wigwam you know so okay well you have to take driver's ed with the high school students and i'll and go and your belly and go two years on a learner's permit if your belly's spilling over your belt. That's ID.

Well, I'm thin. I've been living on a commie. Oh, doesn't that seem suspicious? So I've already, well, what I'm going to have to do is get one in Texas real quick. Well, now they're going to revoke my driver's license. Well, fuck. Well, revoke it? It's already expired.

How's that going to work? I didn't care. As soon as we got out of there, called her, said, I'm free. Because we weren't married yet. We were still... We knew each other in college and then relocated each other 15 years later while I was getting married. Yeah, we've never covered when the ex

left you during the... Yeah, I left her in a whirlwind about the same time that you were getting out of... Oh, we're still on a lam. Yeah, but getting out of. Oh, we're still on a lamb. Yeah. But getting out of this shit. Yeah. Okay. And had my way out of the legal shit. Okay.

And getting out of the other hell. You used that as the, okay, now we can part ways. It was just all happening at the same time. About the same time. We relocated each other. And his lovely lady. Yes. I don't fucking remember her name.

But she's a nice lady. The Empress Shanti. She is the Empress. Shanti. Yeah, so I get the fuck out of there and we haul ass to the immediate... Chaley, there was a coke here. Coke?

We go to the immediate most podunk town to go in for me to take my driving test with my dad here present, driving me to take my driving test as I'm in my 30s, you know. So the little old lady is like, okay, well, the officer's not here, so you'll have to drive with me. Okay, I parallel park, I drive around the block, blah, blah, blah. I get my little piece of paper that's written out that says it's my temporary driver's license. Good.

Now they're going to mail it to my parents' house because I have to have a permanent address somewhere, you know, not Arkansas, but Texas. They're going to mail it there. Meantime, I come back, you know, get to come back to Arkansas with my, now I got a driver's license. And this is how I knew everything was just going to work out okay because the first thing I did was I go to Walmart there in Abilene, Texas. And what I hear, I keep hearing Elvis play it. I'm like, that sounds... And I'm looking, there's the king right there. They have an Elvis impersonator in the Walmart in Abilene, Texas performing just for me, just for the day I get free.

And I'm like, fucking A, I bought my own razors of my own money and drove myself there and listened to Elvis sing for a while and sang a song directly to me. And yeah, that was getting out. And now you're back here living off the grid still? Yeah, well, I... Not off the grid yet. Yeah, as soon as I got, you know, I had already left my ex. I was living in Eureka Springs before I got everything clear. And, you know, we had located each other recording and we're like,

we are done with a dating thing. We knew back when we first knew each other that, you know, the only person that made sense. And we're like, yeah, well, fuck,

we're not done. Look, we're done looking. Yeah. Let's hook up. Yeah. We're good. We hadn't even seen each other in 15 years.

And we, uh, you know, first time we do, as soon as I get my shit clear, you know, we see each other and it was all good, you know? And now we haven, as soon as I get my shit clear, you know, we see each other and it's all good, you know, and now we haven't argued since.

You emailed me. I don't know how much I set this up at the beginning, but you emailed me with you have this story about being on the lam for years, which I'm a sucker for. even when people are like seriously guilty but they break out of prison because the prison system the jail system the justice system is so fucked jail is not it doesn't work yeah so even when people are guilty of horrible shit if they break out of prison i'm rooting for them yeah that's how fucked up your system is right he fucked and killed a baby in front of a bunch of people but he got out of jail because jail is not i'm kill that guy no it makes it kill that guy but don't yeah jail just creates worse criminals right so when you when you emailed me i said listen and i thought there's no way i'm going to be in any mood after a show to do this or before a show to do this and i'm glad that we did this oh Oh, yeah. Because this is a fucking fun story.

And yeah, I would disappear for as long as I could before I went to jail. And I would kill myself before a root canal or just a strip search at this point. I accomplished everything I need to do in life. And now I'm just trying to have fun. And if that gets unfun i'd kill myself yeah but yeah when you're that age well and i just knew that and it wasn't an option of uh will i survive i just know myself well enough because it's only going to you know i would fuck up so bad i would be in there longer i would i would you know because the minute

somebody you know told me you're going to do this right now it's more than likely to go fuck yourself you know and that's you know i wrote i used to tell them to me you're my enemy i used to write uh songs and i wrote this little ditty call called uh i fight authority authority always wins so i know what you're saying i think someone stole that from me anyway yeah everything about it's just cruel and i'm gonna shut up i let this guy tell his story now i'm drunker than i was when i started i'm gonna try to wrap it up in a nice little package. But no, you already did, Shane. And I'm really glad that we fucking took the time to do this. Oh, I fucking appreciate it. People keep saying, oh, you got to write a book.

I've started that. How many times? And the computer dies and I lose it. You know, hard drive dies. And I, you know, fuck. I don't back shit up, you know. I have a Steam-powered computer. I have a Steam-powered computer. I have a Steam-powered PC.

You have to pedal while you type. Yeah, yeah. Like the Flintstones. Oh, that's for the internet. That's for the modem. The PC is Steam-powered. Are you still doing a podcast? It's kind of, there was the Fright Time Funhouse radio side show,

which I'd like to bring back. It's like old-style radio horror show. Plug anything you like. Well, you can go to hear some episodes of the Church of the Hopeful Agnostic at the Facebook page, churchoffacebook.com slash churchofhopefulagnostic.

I plan on getting back on that one eventually. And that's where we talk about, oh yeah, and also the Etsy page, Ozark Hoodoo and curios which does some shit will be coming to 212 van dyke street uh very soon bisbee arizona 85603 that's my address send us a bunch of shit and i've been meaning to do it was going to bring a lot of shit for you what's your po box on a rural route fucking two oh box seven Rural Route fucking 2, Box 7. Third hill over, yeah, yeah, yeah. Third cattle guard past Booger Holler.

Yeah, take her right at the beer barrel. Leave it down at that big tree, you know, the big tree? Yeah. Hanged Negro, still there. They made it a historical site after roses of parks well there was i lived on one interesting in booger county madison county oh they have all of these other uh like there were i was looking at a map one day and we lived on penitentiary hill the entire time i was on the lamb and a penitentiary mountain and the next mountain over is negro mountain and i'm like why would they name it that somebody said well that's not what it was called back in the day but when they started to make the maps they went well we

got penitentiary we got nick oh we can't call it that no more can we so it became negro mountain and i mean i absolutely love this place i mean i would I would, when, yeah, I briefly, when I did get out and I got free and was living in Eureka Springs, working in a haunted house. Actually, the guys I worked for at the haunt took pity on me. I got to live in the haunt in the background, you know. So in the night, I would go down and make monsters for them and then, you know, live in the haunt. All right. You know what? That's enough because now Chaley wants in the conversation.

All the shit. I wanted to let you tell your story without jumping in too much. But there's a bunch of shit you said that we want to talk to you about off the mic. The listeners already know Shane. Thank you very much for doing this. Thank you. Oh,

if I can plug one more thing that I forgot because I'm worst. I'm so bad at marketing. I don't market shit. I've sold maybe three CDs in the past five years, but Cottonmouth Gumbo, look me up on Facebook, Cottonmouth Gumbo, and you can hear some songs and CDs available as well as a Jebediah Buzzard CD

on that Jebediah Buzzard page. Good. Alright, that's a podcast enjoy it says brody stevens i just plugged brody stevens it's a podcast hey uh do you want to play oh wait you have songs uh yeah i'll get them to you well yeah we're gonna close on what's is there a name of the band or is it just a cotton mouth gumbo my one-man band this is the song written by my friend uh peter swinburne this is called debbie hans cocaine train of thought get it beautiful oh fucking a Fucking A. That is not just an evergreen.

You don't even have to edit that. There's nothing. You said nothing that you have to take out. No, no, not at all. Not at all. Not at all. That sheriff's dead. This is an evergreen. And I love that you don't care that your ex-wife might potentially hear you color it.

I don't care. I love that. Sorry about that. This is one. It might not come out for a month. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we have to do shit in the moment. I'll follow up with you.

I'll follow y'all shit, yeah. So... You were listening to the Doug Scandler Podcast. Debbie Long's cocaine train of thoughts Corn baby glass kids warming and cooling Painting her head in colors Fat men in purple sashes Twirling on pointed toes or shortened feet, arabesque headwear.

And Mr. Hamamoto's bread-fresher engine. Blend me your beers that I might flatten them underfoot. Chewed by gravel. Chewing gravel, I mount her on a staircase. Drink her, she is full of grotesque butterflies. Insects are up twenty percent. Thirty square-headed men. Bring back the buckshot presidents.

Spectacles on the bare and pulled-back faces of dry women. Nibbit Pond's cocaine train of thought. A Sandra O. type, but shorter for her face. This is Wanda. My kind niece. Bring me my pencils. Kind niece. Thank you. © BF-WATCH TV 2021