The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #182: Chad & Doug's Gay Date and Leftover Staples

Episode Date: December 12, 2016

It's the first Football Sunday back in Bisbee since Bingo's fall and Doug squeezes in a quick podcast while he can still make words. Chad describes his "Gay" date with Doug and we hear about what they found in Bingo's head. Why not bid up Bingo's items on the Stanhope eBay Yard Sale. It will make her smile.Doug's Holiday eBay Yard Sale ends Mon Dec. 12, 2016 at 8pm EST. - http://ebay.to/2hnF3fmSend your pics to KVOA Morning News -  @JeffBeamish and put in #SkyCandyRecorded Dec. 11, 2016 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Kelly, & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.Doug's new special, "NO PLACE LIKE HOME", now available on cd at  Amazon.com, iTunes, Google Play, Spotify and DougStanhope.com.LINKS: Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/   Closing song, "Funeral Party", by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com    Order Doug's audio book, "Digging Up Mother", HERE.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, this bingo update is brought to you by the Doug Stanhope eBay Yard Sale. We actually planned this eBay Yard Sale back in the summer. In June we were going to do it, and then we were too busy and had too much shit going on with the book and the special and a tour. Well, we said we'll save it for Christmas, not knowing that bingo would have fractured her egg and all the king's horsemen and all the king's men would have had to come down here to Tucson for a fucking month in a hospital, taking turns, wondering

if her egg will ever get back into scrambled as it were. So, uh, here's the eBay yard sale. This is not a fucking charity event. This is just us selling shit. We dehoarded suits, memorabilia. Bingo is even selling some shit.

She's got a saxophone. Suits I've worn on stage, on TV. Shit I retired. And we're selling it to you. Yeah, a bunch of shit. The Doug Stanhope and Bingo eBay yard sale and it ends I don't know, until it ends.

I don't know, fucking just go to eBay and search Stanhope yard sale. It's a bunch of shit that I'll regret selling one day and I'll try to find. Who did we sell that thing to? I love that thing. So yeah I love that thing.

So yeah, get that thing. It'll be done in time to get it to you for Christmas. I don't know where I'm going with this. This is the worst plug ever. It's eBay yard sale. Castle Rock, Kenny. We're rolling. Hey, Doug, this is the first Bible we're actually putting online or auctioned or anything, right? Yeah.

We haven't done one before. No, never. Oh, well, this will go out before it ends. Yeah. All right. it ends yeah all right bingo's trach tube and her wrist oh fuck i'm drunk i was hoping that last adderall would kick in in three minutes but it hasn't so bingo's trach tube With wrist restraints are on eBay and the stolen Bible she found. That will end Tuesday morning. Tuesday morning.

I can't remember if it's 9 Eastern or 9 Arizona time, which is Mountain. But it's in the morning on Tuesday. All right. But the auction items start closing on Monday at 8 p.m. Eastern time. Six our time. I'm just going to put this out. Then I'm going to let you carry the rest of the podcast. Because once I try to talk out loud, I realize I'm fucking hammered.

But here's something that I've been wanting to do forever, but I only see morning news. I watch Tucson morning news, KVOA morning news, local. There's nothing more fun. Ask James Inman if there's anything more fun than watching the local weather. Jeff Beamish. Jeff, B-E-A-M-I-S-H, at Jeff Beamish.

He does this, it's so Anchorman, the entire 6 a.m. newscast on KVOA. It's so cornball. Everyone fits Anchorman so perfect, and I've fucked with them all on Twitter. And Jeff Beamish does the weather where he says, okay, let's start with Sky Candy.

Hashtag Sky Candy. And it's every local douchebag sending pictures of the monsoons or lightning striking or a beautiful sunrise send your pictures to hashtag sky candy and every morning i watch this i think why don't we have the Send all this shit at Jeff Beamish, B-E-A-M-I-S-H, hashtag Sky Candy. If you will just send the most horrific pictures of whatever, murder, death, porn, midget boners, just inundate hashtag Sky Candy and just ruin his morning world so when I wake up and I watch this 6 o'clock news, I have DVR.

I want to see the moment they no longer say hashtag Sky Candy. I know you can do this for me. I've had a very hard month. And we watched football for the first time at home in five weeks. So please do that for me. Hashtag Sky Candy. Just.

All right. That's how we start. And we're here with Chad Shank, Chaley, Bongo Bingaman, Kelly Bingaman, Bingo's sister. Bingo did make an appearance today at football. The only thing that she doesn't have left is social skills. And I understand that she's getting her memory back and she's remembering. But she thinks she fucked up her 40th birthday. And she has a lot of issues.

She thinks her tracheal is disgusting because she doesn't remember the catheter and the rectal tube and the intubation and the fucking IVs and this is disgusting. I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to talk to people. But it's basically a band-aid that's on her. I mean, that's what it is. To be fair, she might just be using that

as an excuse to not fucking talk to people. I mean, I would do that. She did say hi to a lot of people, and then a lot of people she doesn't recognize, but I don't recognize Jet Lacey or Fury. I don't recognize

them. I know their names, but I don't recognize their faces. Chad's going to come here next week. He's going to have a little Band-Aid on his throat. So I just came to drop off ice. Solidarity Band-Aid. Like our solidarity finger painting.

I saw the opening this morning, and we've nicknamed it her third eye because it literally looks like an eyeball. We've nicknamed it her third eye because it literally looks like an eyeball. Chaley's already disturbed. Chaley's got a queasy stomach as it is. But I saw it. That whole time in the hospital, shit I thought I could never handle, I handled well.

And when I saw Joby was here. joby's not here right now he's supposed to be but he was there when she pulled the trach out and he said that and we all had this vision of this flappy i hate to say it but what her vagina used to look like before the vagioplasty. This is open. No, it's a little tiny baby bottom hole, and now it's getting smaller. Like she's Benjamin Buttons of a whole. It gets smaller.

Yeah. Sorry, you gave me the look, Chaley. You take over. It's nothing. she keeps bitching about nothing well oh again just so everybody knows she might just not want to fucking talk to you and she's being polite so you know could happen yeah i i don't want to talk to a lot of you either especially when i can't make words i realized as i start a podcast hey you take over chad i'll i'll come back in when the the adderall you had a you had a point

and that's why we set this up to do this let's just do it quick get get your bullet points you got a fucking pad in front of you let's do this but kelly is here. Kelly is here. Kelly is over somewhere else. Her sister is here. Hang on. Who wants to go? You got a gay date. What? Oh. We should be drinking these as we speak. Tracy, they stayed up late last night. I was in bed before 10 o'clock because I have to watch bingo.

before 10 o'clock because I have to watch bingo. Chaley and Tracy stayed up till 3 in the morning drinking our new favorite drink. Watermelon, strawberry, jalapeno margarita. Yeah. I can't even say it without feeling homophobic. Well, this started back when we crashed Chad Shanks. You and Jenny had a honeymoon party. A staycation.

It was in Phoenix, though. You found a resort. And I said to you, drunk like this one night on the podcast, oh, you're doing that? Can we crash it so me and bingo and trailies we crashed your honeymoon nice time and they had a signature drink here's the thing wherever we go even in the hospitals over the last month we have a bar with us. We travel with a bar. We're in the ICU overnight with club soda, vodka, and a mixer all stuck in a closet.

We're drinking, even if we have to take Adderall to make sure Bingo doesn't pull a fucking thing out of our thing. Like someone would bring a book or a magazine. Right. We bring a bar. We bring spooky bottles. Booze book or a magazine. Right. We bring a bar, whiskey bottles. Booze and Adderall. Yeah. If we're doing 9 p.m. to 9 a.m., yeah, we have Adderall to make sure

that the cocktails don't make us irresponsible. Medicinal drinking. That didn't always work, by the way. So when we crashed so when we crashed when we crashed chad and jenny's uh r&r it was like an r&r they were just getting out of town

yeah we have our own bar in the hotel room so if we go to the bar we want to buy something that we can't make in our room for basically free so they had a strawberry watermelon jalapeno margarita as a signature drink and we all tried that and we loved it and then we didn't go back to vacation but now on this thing well we were at a an inappropriate bar where they probably don't make that let's call it the fox and hound because that's what it was named on la cholla it's not a place you go for gay dates and watermelon uh margarita it's a sports bar with like a thousand tvs in a thousand rooms so i get i get to t to Tucson and immediately Sena goes, let's go over and have a fucking margarita at this place. I go, let's go.

So we take off over there and we get out. We needed a break. Well, my backpack that I carry my weed and stuff in is basically Jenny's old purse. So it looks like a woman's purse that I carry around. A little feminine. It's a woman's purse. It's incredibly feminine.

It looks like it's a woman's purse because it's a woman's purse. It would look very appropriate for a gay gentleman walking in Miami clubbing. It's a tiny backpack on your large broad shoulders. I used to carry my weed in a fanny pack and this is more feminine than that. So we walk into this bar and we have one

fingernail, the same fingernail painted bingo blue and I'm carrying a purse and Stan saddles up to the bar and orders a strawberry watermelon margarita with jalapeno in it. Because this bar had the same thing without the jalapeno, and I remembered how much fun we had crashing your honeymoon.

Can you infuse a little bit of jalapeno into this? And the bartender was, seemed ecstatic at that. Like, Oh, that's such a great idea. And then she looked at me and goes, and for you.

And I go, I'll have the same thing. And immediately the look on her face changed from like, that drink sounds good to like, these guys are on a gay fucking date. In the, in the most uh not aggro sports bar it was more of a yuppie sports like a buffalo wild wings we type we went out to smoke i went out to smoke a lot and you went with me and we heard a lot of ashley's going and like and like and like. And dude is just trying to fuck her going.

Absolutely. Right. Right. And like, yeah, absolutely. If I was going to go on a gay date, it would be there. So people wouldn't think I was on a gay date. Probably. But this Andy Andrus calls it were reticent queers.

We were the most awkward queers that you could have. And then, well, she that awkwarded her out and she like, OK, and she took off and then she comes back to bring drinks. And she says, well, can I bring you guys a menu? Do you guys want some nachos or something? And immediately I just saw the opportunity, so I leaned over to stand up and I go, if I have to bottom later, I don't want nachos. He whispered that in a Chad Shank.

If I have to bottom later. So I was looked at like the world's most unlikely queer in the world and she took off but it was fucking funny as shit and then the next day we went back for football with dad with bingo's dad who also has the same fingernail painted bingo blue so on the way there i was like i hope it's not the same bartender because she's gonna think that we're on grinder like with some sort of weird fucking cult i would stand up and for me that i was a dick like can you put on another game you got the broncos against the jaguars and you have 700 dvs but we can only hear

the cast of the most boring game oh Oh, is everything okay? No, it's not okay. Well, we can't change it. There's a system or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, yeah, we left. You reminded me of myself at that point more than ever because you tried like a most invalid argument. Like, we've talked to everybody in here

and nobody is watching the Denver Broncos. And I was like, we haven't talked to everybody in here and nobody is watching the denver broncos and i was like we haven't talked to anybody at all like you just completely made that up that's something i would fucking do just because i'm angry about it's the worst game on tv that no one wants to watch even broncos fans against the jaguars no No, no. It didn't matter. But let's stop shitting on the fox and hound. Shit on them. Open on Thanksgiving. They did serve us Thanksgiving dinner. Get a strawberry watermelon margarita with jalapeno.

They're good. You have to ask for the jalapeno by name. But let's cut to i i'm a bit reticent to even bring it up because yeah i'm against lawsuits all around and there there's a lot of talk amongst the family about you know what fuck this we shouldn't have to pay for this when these people fucked up really bad these people fucked up really bad and today three weeks almost they're out bingo's out she's doing well she finally gets her hair brushed out. Three weeks out of UMC Banner University Medical Center Banner. You can Google their Twitter.

Three weeks out of there, they found a staple in her head from the first time. They forgot. Yeah. They were pulling staples out of her head three weeks ago. They found one they missed. Oh, fuck. And Kelly, her sister, who's here on the podcast, you were in the room.

You have pictures of the two dudes that did the staple pulling, and I don't want to put them under the bus, because if you see the picture, they're smiley, nice kids. They're residents. That's what you get at a university, is you get kids trying for their first time. It's like going to a tattoo parlor, and they go, I can do this.

Paint Tippy the turtle. Come on. All the old people. Or the pirate. The pirate. Thanks, old people. Hey, draw Tippy the turtle and mail it in to us, and we'll tell you if you have a career in art.

You don't want your tattoo artist to say, wow, your shoulder's a lot different than that navel orange I did last night. Or a ham. I mean, you want someone who's done one before. So Kelly, you're in the room. Yeah. So the two residents come in and they look pretty young. And so they're ready to take Amy Staples out. And so we finally get her to sit down because at that time she was just, you know, she sits down for one second. She's ready to get back up and you got to sit still. Her attention span was literally a minute.

Yeah. Maybe. Yeah. So I literally had to be like right in front of her face to keep her sitting there. And so the guy, it's a guy and a gal, the guy is about to go in and start taking the staples out. And then the lady was like, well, no, you don't do it that way. You do it this way. And he was like, what? And he's like, no, you do it this way. And he's like, have you ever used this tool before? And she's like, well, no, I haven't. And so they're sitting in front of me

arguing how to properly take the staples out of my sister's head. And I'm just staring at Amy's face. While she's conscious enough. Yeah, I'm just staring at Amy's face while they're arguing how to take the staples out correctly. And just in shock over this. And using a tool for the first time. Yeah, they didn't know they both had their own method. Chad, you're holding the wrong end.

I'll YouTube it right now look this the the staples were across the back of her head so they didn't shave her head or anything like that so this it was a mass of hair yeah and there was like blood and scabby so it was hard to search for him and and i wasn't sure how many staples were in there so i kept saying like did you get them all did you get them all and they kept looking key is they didn't know how many staples correct yes this goes on with banner in the lawsuit yeah yeah so no one knew there's no lawsuit you're just you're just making a joke yeah so anyway and i'm nervous about this because you don't want to leave anything in there so i I'm like, hey, did you get them all? And they're like, yeah, we got them all. Guess not. As of today.

There was no communication with any of the facilities from the time she got airlifted here to there, from the time she went from there to the brain trauma. No one has any idea. they shuffled her out of one place to another it's a it's their fault now you deal with it so yeah no there's no lawsuit but it's so it's it's so fucked on so many levels that you know you want to blame someone even your mom she was during one of those case manager oh meetings yeah we should sue like let's do the blame game later well now it's later and i'm on her page i'm not gonna mention anything that's going on right now but it's fucked right now bingo's doing way better but what they should be taking care of anyway back to fun hey how about bingo lost for the first time she was five and oh in her post coma football picks from the time she could gurgle mouth sounds

to you i was getting football picks she picked the dolphins the first time i forget the second pick then she was pittsburgh raiders then uh anti-raiders anyway she was five and oh she picked seattle she lost for the first time and we like to think that means she's better now she's no longer talking to angels she was tuned in for a while. Did she actually tell you all five? Or did you just put two helmets on the bed and she touched one? No, no. She would at least.

The first time she was just mumbling words. And I knew. I gave her dolphins because that's her favorite team. Yeah. Because they match her hair. And I said, Dolphins versus whoever. And she mouthed Dolphins.

Yeah, you had to read her lips for a while. But the last one was Raiders on Thursday night against the Chiefs. She goes, Raiders will definitely lose. And I said, By three and a half points?

Yes. And now she lost. So much for our hopeful sponsorship by betonline.ag. She's no rain man. She also has to go through I don't want to get into the details but she has to do therapy

now speech therapy at minimum and we were hoping she wouldn't remember that she doesn't like Suzanne but Suzanne just walked in you got the best that she doesn't like Suzanne, but Suzanne just walked in. Yeah, I'm getting her speech there,

but I still got the best. You got the best, but you didn't. We'll have to talk after the podcast. So I actually haven't asked her. I just saw Bingo. You just saw Bingo? Yeah. Where?

Right when she came into Elmo's, and I was standing right there. She went to Elmo's? Bingo's at Elmo's? Bingo said Elmo's? Fuck her. With who? I thought it was her parents. Holy shit. Oh, Jesus.

That'll be interesting. Hey, should I go to Elmo's real quick? I'll text mom real fast and see what's going on. What are we at? 30, that's a podcast. Wait. The Kelly story. Oh, no. Kelly, that's right. That's right. That's right. I'm a podcast. Wait. The Kelly story.

Oh, no. Kelly Datter story. A little flustered. All right. Yeah, let's wrap this up. Let's do a... Chad got a... Let's do police beat. No, he got a present.

Oh, Chad's got a present. All right. Opening a present. It appears to be a T-shirt. Oh, I'll find out who it's from. Shayla will find out who it's from. It says Austin 316. What is that?

Stone Cold Steve Austin. It's a wrestler. Wrestler? It's a wrestler? Wrestler? It's a wrestler? You have no clue. Jeez, you should have opened that first. I should have looked up what I was opening because it seemed anticlimactic. I apologize if you send me gifts and I'm not as appreciative as I should be.

I'm a nihilist. And I don't really fucking know. Michael Cordy. Thanks, Michael. All right. Nice. As you know, I don't care about what my T-shirts say, so I appreciate any T-shirt.

Thank you. There was a lot of shit after the last podcast. We did try to do as many thank yous as possible, and then I found a bunch of shit Bingo had brought to the other house. I need this and i'm like we never mentioned that and there was other shit i'm sorry if we didn't give you thank yous there's a lot of stuff i think we missed is that what this was no no that i found that's from earlier all right believe it or not uh it's very chaotic around here if you can't

gather that from what you know and there's a lot of fucked stories joe b you heard about that i think we talked about floyd now is in copper queen hospital floyd if you didn't get the fucking tweet about him and bukowski you stupid cocksuckers you know what i'm not explaining it uh yeah we're all happy to be back here at football. Bingo will be fine eventually until she's fine. She hates you, so don't say hi at Safeway. All right. I guess that's it.

No. CISO, if you still have your subscription or you want to get a subscription. Oh, shit. Joey Coco Diaz. If you still have your subscription or you want to get a subscription. Oh, shit. Joey Coco Diaz. I just signed up for a new subscription with the code word Joey and watched Joey Coco Diaz.

It was fantastic. Joey Diaz, new special. Do you know what it's called? It's at the tip of my thing. I have no idea what it's called at all. It's socially unacceptable or something. Is that it? Good.

Socially unacceptable. Great fucking stories. It gets hilarious. Joey Coco Diaz. He's on par with Becker and Andy Andrist as the funniest people. Not funniest comedians. Overall, funniest people day and night. So when they're on stage,

you just happen to catch them for an hour. They're that funny all the fucking time. So yes, go to CISO. I guess I get a DVD out or CD. CD out right now. It doesn't matter. Just buy shit. It does matter. We got a holiday special on DougStanhope.com right now,

and you get the signed special CD. Hang on. Let me close on this. Bid up bingo shit, because as out of it as she might be, once she heard about the eBay yard sale, she looks at her own stuff. Yeah, yeah. And I go, bingo. Listen, listen.

They're dudes. They don't wear a lady's stuff. Because her shit isn't being bit up as much as mine. But bit up that trach tube. That's signed, by the way. I couldn't put trach in the headline. Yeah, that was her trach and wrist restraints when Chad Shank and I were on night patrol, and we had to tie her wrist down so she didn't pull the trach out.

Stan Hope tied her wrist down. I technically refused. I've been in restraints before, so I had a hard time to put her in restraints. Stan Hope told me to. I put her in restraints, and then I held on to it. I refused to attach it to the bed. You wouldn't do it. You'd hold her hand.

You held it like a kite? Yeah. It was like a kite. But even at that point, she trusted me and knew who I was. And I didn't want to fucking break that. You have a very good bedside manner, by the way. I mean, you come off as... Aside from when I'm murderous?

And following people that cut you off for like 20 miles. You do have a good bedside manner, though. It was nice. We will never lose that. And we have that right here is Night Shift. Chad Shank.

Tracy. Joby's not here. Oh, fuck. Joby. Joby. Yes here Joe fuck Joby yes Jenny was there too hardcore night shift

for a while here's the night shift if you were following the Twitter night shift is here and now we're going to go find bingo down at Elmo's probably trying to find blow all right with mom and dad with mom and dad yeah that end of the auction is monday december 12th 2016 and it starts at 8 p.m eastern standard time and the auctions they end every 10 minutes and the

last one will be the bible two things 92 items it's 92 10 minutes that's 920 hours i think what's what's the seller name oh it's uh it's vavum bisbee you can just do on ebay just do a search oh yeah stanhope hey i forgot that there's some douchebag and i have to appreciate you mentioned it on the last podcast all right good night one two three seven You mentioned it on the last podcast. All right, good night. One, two, three, seven, gang! Right on, baby! Hello.

The priest is here And and the casket is ready. Her body inside looks nice and steady. Let's play it for the man, for the last time, play it for the man. Farewell. Play it for the man, for the last time Played for the man, praise the Lord And we got to go on with the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party

Got to go on with the funeral party Yeah! All right! Now the priest is talking And the casket starts to move Everybody's crying We all got the groove Let's play it for the man

For the last time Play it for the man Farewell! Play it for the man, for the last time, play it for the man, farewell. Play it for the man, for the last time, play it for the man, praise the Lord. We've got to go on with the funeral party We've got to go on with the funeral party Yeah! All right! Everybody, cry! Yeah!

Yeah! Praise the Lord. Yeah. Yeah. Praise the Lord, we got you going with the Fuhrer of Water. We got you going with the Fuhrer of Water. We got you going with the funeral party I'm the party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party,