The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #185: Fake News For Christmas

Episode Date: December 29, 2016

A Christmas Day podcast with Doug, Chad, Jobi, Uncle Bill, Nurse Betty, Floyd, Bingo and Chaille. We had a better title but "Fake News For Chirstmas" was all we could remember.Thanks to Sal from the Impractical Jokers (@truTVjokers) for having all the vodka sent to the FunHouse. Turly a Christmas miracle.Recorded Dec. 25, 2016 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Tom Konopka (@realTomKonopka), Jobi (@StanhopeCDP), Uncle Bill, Betty, Floyd (@arizonalizards), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.Doug's new special, "NO PLACE LIKE HOME", now available on cd at  Amazon.com, iTunes, Google Play, Spotify and DougStanhope.com.LINKS: Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/   Closing song, "Jingle Bell Rock", performed by Brendon Walsh on "The Brendon Walsh Christmas Choir Christmas Album" available on SoundCloud.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com    Order Doug's audio book, "Digging Up Mother", HERE.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

This is a fucking fantastic Christmas. Last night was nice. It was the last night with the parents. Bingo's parents left town this morning. You totally missed the beginning, which was Funhouse Football, because all the games got moved to Saturday instead of Sunday.

That fucked up a lot of us. Where we go, it's Sunday. Like, I go, oh, it's Saturday. I can check the mail to see if there's more vodka coming. Let's just start with that. Get that out of the way. At Sal Volcano from the Impractical Jokers

implored his fans to send cases of booze in trade for a personal live phone call from him. I think that stays in play forever. Well, is it too late? In perpetuity? There was no expiration date. No, he did not put that. It's like herpes. It keeps going.

It recurs every here and again in stressful situations. You laughed and clapped way too hard at that, Joby. That's great. Don't be a... Oh, no, never mind. Don't be someone who has herpes and doesn't get laid for three years because you're worried about the partner.

Not for those reasons. I don't fuck them. Did you watch my act, lady? The least I could give you was herpes, according to my accountant and my doctor. So Sal Volcano, Shawnee was here. He counted a rough estimate of the bottles on the stage

was 171 bottles of vodka. He said, hey, listen, I will make a personal phone call to you if you send Doug and Bingo a case of vodka. Some people, you know what, we're not going to nitpick. Some people sent a rack of mini bottles. Hey, you know what, their fan base, 17-year-old girls. My fan base, 31-year-old knock-kneed angry men. With stolen internet.

Yeah. You should be making babies together. Follow at True TV Jokers. Dudes, my dudes, killer termites. And hey, impractical jokers, 17-year-old girls, get impregnated by my fan base. Probably just the 18-year-old girls get impregnated. Well, it depends on where you live.

Yeah. Check your Google, search it. Be safe, you know. In fact, actually, they know already. They know. Yeah, when Sal and Quinn and Joe and Murr are on that cruise ship, and they go, oh, how old are you?

Yeah, they Google search whether they can fuck you or not, depending, well, it's international waters. Oh, that explains the whole cruise ship idea. Fucking genius. Holy shit. It is Christmas afternoon.

We're a halftime. So we're, this will be a very short podcast. It's halftime during the, uh, Steelers Ravens game. And we hate both teams if we're me and uh don't really give a shit so we're trying to jam in a podcast while it's still light outside

oh we did the periscope did the periscope opening all the crates of vodka that we've gotten so far from sal volcano and his, or from his fans, Impractical Jokers fans. I already bring this up on the podcast, the email I got. I need more. It was an Impractical Joker. No, I don't think I did. Maybe I did.

If you just start talking, I'll stop you. Hang on, hang on. Remember, I got a fan mail for Marilyn Manson. Hey, you know Marilyn Manson. Can you tell him this? And then some Impractical Jokers fan sent an email saying, hey, I love the Impractical Jokers. I just found out you're a fan.

Yes, we did talk about this. Yeah, because she didn't know Q was in, or she didn't acknowledge Q at all. She goes, I would love to, I love Murr and Sal the most. I'd even settle for Joe. No mention of Q. Although Q is the one that was on hockey the other night. Yeah, he showed up randomly on hockey.

Hey, Joby, while you're fucking around on your phone, there's a blue legal pad down there. It's right in front of you. We're never going to get caught up with the thank yous for people who sent shit to Bingo. While you're doing that, I do want to say thank you to Audible for sending us, out of the blue, they just sent us a Bluetooth speaker. Oh, wait, hey, fuck you, Audible.

Thank you, Chad Shank. Thank you, Greg Chaley. Thank me, myself. We were the number seven ranked Audible book for 2016 on audible.com. Fuck you.

Backdoor Mike. He's outside outside he said he just listened to that the whole way down he couldn't wait for me to shut the fuck up and chad to start talking as planned he's backdoor mike he said that he goes uh yeah he's sitting there he's like i i felt like i was in the fun house with you guys and you wouldn't shut the fuck up. Couldn't wait for Chad to talk. Yeah, these are all old notes. I had some new notes. It's a yellow pad.

We're never going to get to it. Hey, thank you, Maya. Last podcast, I trashed the girl that demanded thanks, and then immediately, the first email after that podcast went out, she said, I'm sorry, I guess I was an asshole. And she sent me whatever digital download. She sent me the John Cooper Clark, I believe. She sent the hard copy CD so I can listen to it.

In my brand new car! Well, brand new to me. Oh, that's right. That old piece of shit the parents drove down here. They were going to donate to charity. I'm like, fuck you, I'll buy it. A million people around here. It's just going to go to Safeway and back. Dad gave it to me

in trade for two free tickets out of here. And then what? Hey, the parents left. Another round of applause. The parents are gone. The best part of Doug trading two tickets back home to the parents for that vehicle

is that Doug found like one-way tickets for like 90 bucks. Like 96 bucks. Oh, wait, wait, wait, no bucks no but what i did i don't know if you know i don't know i fucked up i did this with tom kanopka where's tom is tom in here i think he's at the fire uh tom i fucked his flight up i booked him from I sent them to San Jose rather than Sacramento. But they both let me slide. And so, yeah, it was a little bit more to get them to Sacramento. But still.

It was funny when you announced that. Wow, look at these flights. $90. $90. It was like $1.70 to change it. But Expedia, they let me do it without any, they didn't bitch. Look at you. Yeah.

So it's good. I woke up on Christmas morning with a brand new to me car with 246,000 miles on it. But dad. That's Ron. Yeah, Ron. That's easily $ 130 for like us. He maintains his vehicles. When you figure the pickup has 130

and the Tahoe has like 150. Oh, I did the math wrong. You went backwards. I was going to say, it has more miles than those two put together. And then I went, no, no, it doesn't. It doesn't have that at all. But it's well maintained.

That doesn't matter either. So, yes, we have plenty of pieces of shit cars around for company. Oh, no. No, Tom. You'd be. Where's Tom Kanopka? Wellka well fuck it we'll talk about he listens to this shit even if he's on it so he'll he'll hear it eventually yeah um yeah it's the caddy shack thing yeah uh oh i'd love to swim in your pool well, maybe the pond is better for you. Yeah, maybe the

parent's Honda is better for you and we'll drive the Mazda with the Suburban. Or the Suburban would be good. The Suburban's good for me.

All right. All right, Christmas. Carry this, Chad. Was that the director's cut of Caddyshack? I don't remember that scene. Fucking hammered. I waited for fucking seven weeks i don't even think this is recording i don't know times that we did get hammered when bingo was comatose or in the hospital intubated

but this is the first time in six seven weeks that I can get day drunk without the parents casting aspersions, a dirty eye at me. Are you sure you're going to be okay to take care of our daughter? Yeah. I got this. Who's got your daughter? Woo! Wait, where is she? You get on that plane feeling good about yourselves

because we ain't taking chin over. Wait a minute, where's Bingo? Bingo left. Bingo left during the periscope of the opening of the vodka bottles. She got overwhelmed. One of the things with the traumatic brain injury, don't overstimulate.

Today, we are overstimulated and overstimulating. Yeah, she beat feet. She knows where she belongs. She's good at this. Yeah, there's a lot of people here today. Joby's on the mic. Chad Shank, Chaley, and a billion other people.

Tell me when it goes back to football. There's plenty of food. If it's cold, we'll warm it up. If you don't like it, we have other options in the other fridge. My God, we had so much fucking food last night. Yeah, that was amazing.

It was pretty good. Yeah. Not one dog out of the gate. Fucking Jenny's cranberry sauce. Cranberry jelly. Just stop. Yeah. Jenny brought the pad thai, brought the cranberry.

And then after that that's we're done cashed out the hugest tub of banana pudding with tiny nilla wafers that's still in the little house fridge yeah get it before hennigan gets here good oh shit that's right yeah he gets here late so we'd have clipped everything out of that fridge. Everyone has to eat a lot. I remember when we first started doing football, and you shouldn't have to be making all the food. And then everyone started bringing food to the point where there's way too much food,

and I hate to waste. I'm a hoarder down to that level. Like, should we bring this by the Tin Town Homeless Shelter? It's kind of past expired, but they go through dumpsters. They hire someone to work on that. Well, Joby saved my ass yesterday with the cooking. I tried to cook, like, different uh entrees and seven different sides i go i can't cook i can throw shit in a crock pot for drunks at football but for christmas

eve and then joe be called i wasn't gonna i wasn't gonna break down you know i'm good for that i know but i thought yeah i'm not you you were already baking bread over at the Van Dyke house. I'm at the quiet house. I'm not... I can do this. I can do this. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I can do it. I can do it. I'm not going to call Joby. I'm not going to break down.

I was going to call Jen just as a helper. You know, we were all in food commas last night and drunk clearly and then joe b fucking just takes over the show it's like a magic act watching him make english muffins we're all we're all like crowds like which is that's it from scratch in the oh rolling the dough that doesn't when we talk about jooby making something, clearly it's from scratch. If we could post a picture of the oven from the turn of the century

that you cook all this shit on. Yeah, my house. It's clearly from scratch. But he was making those English muffins and all of a sudden the crowd started. And then all of a sudden everyone was in the kitchen. It's like, wait, wait, that's it? That's what you just, you brown them?

What's the cornmeal for? And it was a whole thing. I left. Ron was like writing shit down. He was. He was taking notes. English muffins have never looked more appetizing than watching it go from nothing to, oh, I ate three of them. I found one after you guys beat feet.

I started eating it. Well, you made a shit load and i said i said this even last night when you go somewhere where you don't know everybody or you know how they cook anything a potluck you're always like bracing yourself to polite eat like i have to eat things that i think are gross even just to be nice to people so i went there full you know like i don't know what's gonna happen and every i And every dish was amazing. Everything was amazing. Have you ever gone over to a friend's house to eat and the food just ain't no good?

Like the macaroni is soggy, the peas are mush, and the chicken tastes like wood. So you try to play it off like you think you can by saying that you're a fool. And your mama said, hey, he's just being polite. It's rapper's delight, for fuck's sake. I figured it out. It's the only rap song you know. Yeah. I was at Coots with you singing that naked with a Santa hat.

I wasn't there. When I was carted off the stage. And then Duran stopped the security guard and said, oh, he did what? He was fucking naked on the stage! It's okay. He just needs a little talking to. I'll take care of it. The owner of the club. He did have a Santa hat so. Yeah.

Wasn't really naked. And the fucking security guard was so angry he didn't get to violently launch me out of that fucking shit hole club. Oh the game's back on but who gives a fuck? Before we were done talking about the food, I don't want to gloss over this because there was like an enchilada

that I pulled out of there and ate, and then I didn't know what it was, and it was fucking fantastic. And then Joby explained to me afterwards what this enchilada was. And Stan Hope woke up. You dreamt or you woke up thinking about it. I woke up with this idea.

Yeah. He came up to me. He's like, okay, so what if we do enchiladas? And all right, we're going to take mashed potatoes and pumpkin and cranberry sauce. Butternut squash. Butternut squash. Butternut squash and turkey. Cranberry sauce.

Turkey. And stuffing. And we just roll it up in a tortilla and then do enchiladas and drizzle it with gravy. So we can make that work. Oh, it's going to be amazing. Yeah, like a holiday meal enchilada. Like a Willy Wonka fucking enchilada. I was going to film me making them, but I go, what if it sucks?

It's a sandwich you make with Thanksgiving leftovers. Just wrapped in a tortilla. Thought up by the guy who eats Jell-O with French dressing, bone French, and bacon bits. It's like, oh, what could go wrong? Well, you couldn't trick me with that like you did with an enchilada, but the enchilada was fantastic. So I might eat the jello.

That might be good, too. I don't know. I've been on an enchilada kick since Bingo was in that second brain rehab hospital. I wish I remembered the Olay family restaurant on La Cholla? La Cholla. La Cholla. La Cholla. I think it's on La Cholla in Tucson.

I should never go with my first instinct of how to pronounce something. To be fair, La Cholla is what your phone calls it when you get directions. I have the GPS explanation of every word, the pronunciation of every word. I switched my chick on my voice to Australian accents. I thought it sounded better, but now I don't trust her directions. And you're late everywhere. She can't pronounce anything, and I'm like, I don't think you're taking me to the right accents. I thought it sounded better, but now I don't trust her directions. And you're late everywhere.

She can't pronounce anything, and I'm like, I don't think you're taking the right direction. There's accents that are gender-specific as to whether they're quality or not. Like a New York, New Jersey, Brooklyn, what's her name from Stern? Marianne from Brooklyn? Marianne.

Yeah, it can be funny on a dude. It's repulsive on a woman. And Australia is the same. It's offensive. Australian accents. A dude can come off cool. Chick, repulsive. Southern dude, repulsive.

Chick could be hot. Nope, nope, nope, nope. Look, this is Doug's podcast. If he wants to work on material for the upcoming dates, the makeup dates, he can do that. We did, except for Chaley,

we all ate some breath mints from a neighbor from up the hill. So we're a bit chatty. Yeah, I'm trying to. Got nothing. I love that you preface silence with we're a bit chatty. This is where I have a dilemma because the last couple podcasts, I just kept fucking saying shit that was not relevant or funny,

and I fucking felt like an asshole, so I'm trying not to say much. Yeah, we don't have to. But, yeah, I feel chatty inside. Well, yeah, we get a house full for Christmas. We appreciate you guys. What do you got? I do want to mention Brendan Walsh's holiday music CD or whatever. Yeah, no, I got it right here.

It's the Brendan Walsh Christmas Choir Christmas Album on SoundCloud, Buck Futtner. Oh, yeah. I guess you find it that way. It is. He just sings Christmas carols. Brendan has a musician streak in him that we never see, but he did that one bit that's on YouTube where he's doing the Billy Joel song. Oh, I don't know that.

So he has a musical bend to his humor, and this one will stretch that tolerance. It is great. It's totally Brendan Walsh. But he sounds like, I thought, when you watch America's Got Talent or American Idol, any of that, I don't know what a good voice is. So when they shit-cance,

I'm like, I listened to Brendan Walsh and it sounded like a good voice. And I'm like, well, this isn't funny. I'm not going to listen anymore. Oh, keep listening. We put the album on last night and then he was tweeting back in. I listened to one. I listened to the first track and I went, oh, he's just doing

this straight. Oh, it gets fucking, it gets ridiculous. It gets totally Brendan Walls ridiculous you know what that means I didn't have a lot of time alright I do shout outs for everyone here but you don't know them that yellow pad is all the thank yous

from the vodka you don't want to read it but did you write anything else on there no that's all Tracy thank you everyone from the true TV jokers You don't want to read it, but did you write anything else on there? No, that's all Tracy. Okay. Thank you, everyone, from the true TV jokers that sent us shitloads of vodka. Thank you for vodka.

We haven't even got yet. 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. That's a good place you can send mixers because we have 171 bottles of vodka and one guy sent 6 bottles of tonic water but those are the good ones always glass always club soda too

not discounting you you brought mixers because you listen to the podcast which is weird I hate when people that are here that are friends of ours listen to the podcast which is weird i hate when people that are here that are friends of ours listen to the podcast as well because sometimes we're talking about you behind your back void when i when i put up that picture of you wearing a bukowski t-shirt oh no you're next to him jason fury wearing a bukowski t-shirt, even Bird Cloud went, that's Bukowski. Yeah, that's the joke.

Yes. But I went to you, Doug. I said, are we selling those shirts online? I mean, I... We should sell Bukowski shirts. And call him for it. Yeah. I'll buy one. Yes. Who's Bukowski shirts. And call him Floyd. Yeah. I'll buy one. I'll buy one.

Yes. Absolutely. Let's sell Bukowski shirts that just say Floyd underneath. Who's the one that has the Hanson shirt that's not a joke? The Hanson? Oh, yeah. Someone has, or it's Hanson, and it says Nirvana underneath. Oh.

And it's, but it's not a joke. It's a Chinese import where they just fucked up. That kind of looks like dead girl. Come on. There's 20 people here. No one remembers who wore that? Remember? That's your shirt?

No. I've seen the shirt, but I don't know. Someone wore it. As a guy who wears the same fucking two shirts over and over, I kind of hope that nobody notices what shirts everybody's fucking wearing. Well, they notice your shirt. What size is that shirt, Jay? Three.

Three X? Yeah. Oh, fuck yeah. Baltimore just went up over Pittsburgh you both suck alright let's take a quick break and then we'll be back please hold

that's right Digging Up Mother is on audible.com audible.com for all your audio book needs if you spend any time whatsoever in traffic, get audiobooks. They will change the world for you. And if you've listened to Digging Up Mother with myself and Chad Shank doing the reading and you want to give me shit about how much I suck worse than Chad Shank,

do that, but make sure you include ataudible.com in the tweet so Audible knows that you want more Chad Shank reading books because I think he's launching a new career. So when you give me shit and congratulate Chad Shank in a tweet, make sure you add ataudible.com. I would appreciate that.

I've been reading all of the reviews on Audible. A couple of people have been very nice to me, so thanks. Maybe I'll read more books. So, yeah, that's our commercial, audible.com. And they have other shit, too. They probably have other books that they have out. Or is it just my book? It's just yours?

Just mine. Flagship book. Audible.com for all your audiobook needs. All right, Joby. Yes. What has happened in the midst of this Christmas Day podcast when we're all trying to be so happy? George Michael, formerly of Wham.

They broke up? Formally. He has died at 53 years old. Peacefully at his home. Peacefully. Translation. Yeah, exactly. Yep.

At hospice care. Controlled environment. At home. Tended to. Hanging yourself can be very peaceful. You know what? I've heard. I mean, you put on some nice classical music, go to sleep.

Highway rest area, a park toilet. Those can be peaceful, too, as long as the guy on the other side of the hole keeps his mouth shut. Well, that probably would land you in hospice, I guess. When you're blowing a dude through a glory hole in a rest area, you want to pretend it's a chick.

Right? What chick are you blowing with a dick? You're on the wrong end of that thought. So, do we know if anybody had him in Death Pool? Yeah, 19 hits, 7 solos. No shit.

Well, you would think it was 19 solos. So the solos means that that one person in that group. In their league. In their league, because it's a bunch of different people. The guy on the other side of the glory hole knew that he had AIDS, and he's playing in our death pool. He's violating rule of law. I'm not even.

Yay, I'm just going to give George Michael AIDS. Insider trading. That's a fucking long con right there. That's a Bernie Madoff level. Long burn. I just wanted to make sure Lucy was here. I made sure she didn't have him because she's the only one I've been fighting for second place for in our league.

I don't think. I think you're third. I'm so far out of first. I don't even look. I just discounted first for a while. The long con. We were just talking about that with the impractical jokers where they have all these 17-year-old fucking girls as fans.

And we said, well, pedophiles always try to get jobs where they're close to children. Ice cream trucks. Impractical Jokers took it a mile. Fuck daycare. We're going to get on basic cable. That mic's on, Doug. We're recording.

That takes some marketing foresight because I don't know what, you know, I've seen those dudes. Nobody thinks that young girls are going to fucking be into that. I was surprised. I was very surprised with the amount of feedback that you were getting of the people like, well, I can't buy liquor. I was like, what? Who's watching?

Like underage, who's watching that thing? But when you go on the cruise. I love Sal Vulcano is their name as Twitter with numbers after it because other chicks have that same handle. I was shocked. Chris Hansen follows him on Twitter. Those guys are beloved. Oh, I sat next to Chris

Hansen at the Tucson airport. Maybe this has come up. What? It was a couple years ago. I've never heard this. It was like 6 a.m. in the morning, but that's when the bars open at Tucson airport, which is why I live next to it. And he sat down next to me.

No, that's why they open. They get a little ping, a text. Doug Stanhope just booked a flight for December 29th, departing at 8 a.m. of Tucson International Airport. And I assumed he was on my same flight, and I was right. I wanted to give him shit because it was back when I used to bitch about him on stage.

And I knew better. I don't want to get thrown off the flight because he has more clout I probably wasn't even diamond medallion yet he's probably flying coach southwest I felt like I let people

down by not just flicking him shit at this empty bar where he's right next to me at fucking 6 o'clock in the morning in Tucson. But I didn't. I fucking, I go, I got to make the gig. Sorry, I let you guys down too many times.

I need better stories. What would you have said? I mean, how would you have made that different? Well, he said, I don't know. If I had a line written out i would if i'd worked on it if you told me hey three days from now you're going to be sitting next to chris anson i would have come up with exactly how to say something succinctly and then had a second flight booked on another airline if you had 10 minutes leave you would be there i'm gonna guess

you were by yourself though when this happened because that's the other thing because i've been with you when you're flying and when it like because if i would have been sitting there then he has some an audience and it would have been hilarious i think every comic that's listening to this would say yes if you have an audience you step up if there's someone who's gonna buddy to play to right uh you know what i'm not even gonna say it i'm gonna put it in the next book hey by the way yes i am writing another book that's due like in march and i haven't started it and it's gonna be just fun road stories it's not gonna be maudlin and there's no well if there's suicides in it, they're fun.

It's not going to be about mother. That's the book I sold. Now I'm going to write the book I want to write. So, yeah. Write down the... Use Tracy. There you are. Tracy, write down the

the Tonopah Speedway story. You already started a list, so you've actually started writing today. Well, no, I tore that off, put it in my pocket. Now I have peanuts in one hand that I don't want. Anyway, let's get back to the other podcast we were already doing. Tonopah what? Speedway.

There goes Dale up against the guardrail. This doesn't look good. Oh, that's going to be bingo. All right, we'll be back. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, Bingo. You want to put her on that one? Yeah.

Shh, everyone shush. Hi, Bingo. I'm just by myself all alone. No, I'm not lying. If I was lying, you'd hear a lot of people cheering in the background. No, I'm not lying. If I was lying, you'd hear a lot of people cheering in the background. There's no way you're on a podcast saying thank you to Sal Volcano right now.

Oh, Sal Volcano. Are you podcasting? Yeah, we may be podcasting. I don't know. I don't know what town I'm in. Okay. All right. Well, call me when you're done.

We are done right now, and then we're going back into the other podcast that we already recorded and did a fake break for that we're going back in, and we're going back to football. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. I don't know if anyone wants you to come back over.

Yeah! I don't know if anyone wants you to come back over. So you decide. Bye, love. I love you, bye. I love you, bye. all right and now back to the podcast already in progress i like biscuits and mustard uh i also like the doug stanhope podcast Can you drink a bottle of that? Hey, is the red light on? Red light's on. Betty, you're on.

Yeah, you're on. Sit. Get her a drink. She's getting you a drink. Merry Christmas, Betty. Merry Christmas, Chad. Merry Christmas, everybody. He needed a drink.

He could not get a drink. See, we didn't even hug. Why are you... Because you've got goggles on. I couldn't see you. Oh, my God. Betty, Bingo's mom is so hot for Joby. Where the sisters.

That's embarrassing. The parents came in just before Bingo fell on her noggin. So they had shown up. fell on her noggin. So they had shown up, and the sister said that she just walked, kind of blew past them. Oh, yeah, we had a long drive.

I need to get some sleep. Where do I put my stuff? And then Mom saw Joby and went, Oh, Joby! Well, who doesn't? Both sexes, you know. That was going to be my response, but I feel gay because I feel like I say that all the time. But it's true. Well, we've met your kids.

They just fight in the streets. You wouldn't blow off your kids that you haven't seen in a year for Joby. Yeah, you would. Does he have English muffins? Yes. Because, yeah, I probably will. No one was more attentive to the beautiful bakery stylings of Joby than Chad. He was paying attention quite a bit.

I told Joby right then, I said, one of these days, some lucky guy is going to snatch you up, and you are going to be a wonderful wife. Yeah, but I'm 42. You might be the guy. You also said, if Jenny and I break up, it will be a race to Joby. Yeah, both of us will be hitting on Joby the next day.

I've given up hope. I'm 42. Yeah, you're impractical Joker's age. What are you, 40, 39 now? When's your birthday? Me? I'm 41. Oh, shit. We missed your 40th. Good. We missed when you fall down and hit your head

and everyone goes to Tucson. Nurse Betty. I don't tell people when my birthday is. Nurse Betty. I'm here. Tom Konopka. He's our newest Bisbee-ite. No way.

Yeah, yeah. I just met him. He's going to live here now? In my book, he's the guy. He was my telemarketing partner before I did comedy. We just used to fucking goof. Yeah, I remember him. Yeah, I said he was a bigger influence to me, him and Pepper Roach,

than Pryor or Eddie Murphy or any of those people. I know you now. I was driving him past your place. I tried to explain the shit you have with the Border Patrol. You're filing a fucking lawsuit. Yeah, the ACLU is picking it up. They're doing something with it. Betty, you have a, what, 100 acre, 40 acre?

A little more. A little more. Yeah. Don't be dainty. There's times to be dainty and there's times to be a pig. Well, I met, well, it was a telephone conference call. For the listeners, I have to back up. Betty, if you don't know the podcast she's been on,

she has a spread down literally on the border, except for this small swath Border Patrol has. So you have them on your fucking property. That's episode number eight. Okay, but... That was not nurse Betty. That was gross, Chad. Wasn't it?

But anyway, I had a telephone conference with some honcho border agent. For the listener. For the listener. We're talking to our, but explain like where Border Patrol has come onto your property doing training exercises. Yeah, we went over that once on another podcast, number eight. Love you. 8.

That's good. Love you. But last night, I've got a new plan. And I hate to publicize it because I'll probably get in trouble because I am going to do it. Then don't. Think about it for a second. No, I'll do it. It'll be all right. Wait, you said plan, right?

All right. I thought you said I have a new plan. Not everybody. I was like, wait, I got new plans, too. Not everybody listens to every episode of this. We're close to 200, right? This will be 185.

185. So, Border Patrol has this, what's the distance between your property and the actual border? Oh, just from here to your house, probably.

Just a little bit. It's like an easement. Like an alley. Yeah, an easement. An easement. But the thing is, I own Border Road. There's two roads now. There used to just be Border Road,

and my house was to the south of there, and then the property went right up to the border. But now they've made this swath, and they call it International Highway, and then Border Road is to the north of my property, and I actually own Border Road. Did you know that? There's a part there that I own. You told me this.

This is the story. I don't think you told this story where they were doing training exercises. Oh, I thought we did. I think we went over that. Maybe I just told you. No, you haven't been on the podcast in like three years. I believe it was, I'm looking at my thing. I think it was 167.

There'll be a link in the show notes. So they were doing training exercises on my property. They had, they were all dressed in cami. They wouldn't give us any ID. They kept saying, it's on the vehicles up on the road. So finally- Hang on. You walk out into your backyard.

You see a Border Patrol agent jump out of a trunk out of a car. Is that- No, that was my daughter. She was taking her kid to school. And she pulls out of her little dirt road. And there's like a little Honda. On the same road. And she pulls onto Border Road.

And right there on Border Road, this little Honda. On the same road. And she pulls onto Border Road. And right there on Border Road, this little Honda pulls off the side of the road. Some driver gets out, opens a trunk of a little car and three big men, gringo men, white gringo men, dressed in cami, get out of the trunk with big guns, you know, AR-15s, AKs, and they go running off. And so she reported it to the sheriff.

But then she dropped the kid off at school, and she says, these men got out of this car, you know, and she was a little concerned because they were running right towards her house. So instead of going home, she came to our house. And I go looking around,

and then I'm pulling in my driveway. Betty's so badass. I would call a lawyer. No, here's a guy. Hey, Jack, can you handle this for me? Right by my gate, you know, where the carport is. Here's a guy, all in camis, and he won't tell me who he is. He says, with the Border Patrol, get back in your car, ma'am.

I said, wait a minute. I'm in my front yard. This is my front yard. Anyone could He says, with the Border Patrol, get back in your car, ma'am. I said, wait a minute. I'm in my front yard. This is my front yard. Anyone could say that, by the way. You're on my property. Conviction. Can I see your ID? Well, I don't have my ID.

We have to go. We have to hurry. We're tracking bodies. That's how they call it now. They're tracking bodies. So I said, you know, I want to see your ID, you know. It's up on the road. Now, there are some vehicles up on the road.

So I go back to the house and get Cedric. And he gets in the truck. Kimber gets in the truck. Now, we've already called the Border Patrol. And they say, no, they don't know anything about what's going on out there. But they did hear that there was a car that pulled off onto Border Road, and a woman reported a drug deal going on. And my daughter's now on the phone. She goes, no, that wasn't a drug deal. That was me. I reported it. And I said three men got out of the car, not drugs. It's at Elmo's.

Come on. Okay, so we go up to the two vehicles where the guy's ID is supposed to be. And there's two or three guys up there, again, all in cami. And we asked to see their ID. And they say two or three guys up there, again, all in cami. And we asked to see their ID. And they say, they don't have to give us their ID. I said, wait a minute, you're on my property again. This is my road. You're on my property. And then this guy starts yelling. You can own a road in Bisbee. Yeah, then this guy starts. For way less than Johnny Depp owns an island. He started yelling. And there's a confrontation between him and Cedric now.

And, you know, two men. Was Cedric drunk? No, he wasn't, but you know how men are. It was night. I know how I am when I'm drunk. Connect the dots. It's way different than when I'm sober. This guy comes out with his full gears and what do they call them?

Flak jackets. And he goes, you just want to see my ID because I'm a Mexican. And we go, no, we want to see your ID. Border Patrol said this. We want to see your ID because you're on our property and you're armed and you're not giving us ID. But it got so that it was going to be a confrontation. They had guns.

We didn't. So we just left. That's not a confrontation. Wait, you left your property? That's solid. No, I went back left your property? That's solid intellect. No, I went back to my house. You just let him do what he was doing. I just left him alone.

That's basic math. Oh, you have guns, we don't. I'll go. By law, if there's an armed person on your property that you feel threatened by that refuses to identify them, you can shoot them. Dead. Exactly.

By law, until they change the law based on your judge. Well, that's true, too. And not only that, we're on the border. You don't have to tell them that you shot them. There's all kinds of mind shots out here. It's the same as, you know what? I can ride in the bicycle lane, and they can't drive in this,

so I'm not going to look both ways, and then you get killed by a car. Doug, if you die in a bicycle lane, I know that that's not where you died. Clearly. Clearly. They did save the roads. We've had that fucking recumbent for about, what, eight years?

Well, we can't ride the recumbent bike on these roads. Now they paved them. By the way, Betty is on episode eight and nine, way back, and also 167. So you go back and check it out. Hey, we're going to break really quick in these fake breaks and come back with more of the doug stanhope marathon podcast you had a very clever name at the beginning of this but i'm assuming i was pausing in case you wanted to take marathon out just run the whole fucking thing straight they listen they know how horribly this

is edited together no shit you don't don't listen. You don't know. The thing we cut at the beginning that was going to be the end is going to seem way out of place. Good. Good. You know what? Enjoy it. Enjoy it.

We're allegedly coming back from a break, but this is going to turn into a marathon Christmas podcast, which I'll go back and set up after the fact. Or we just run the whole fucking thing. Fuck it. We'll run the whole thing on New Year's. I don't care.

Fuck it. We're doing it live. We're going to do it live. I think that's almost hackneyed now. Anyway, some dude, I wish I wrote your name down. I think we already mentioned you, sent two bottles of Buckfast, which is the UK version of Four Loko, caffeinated alcohol that hobos drink because it's cheap.

Used to be Mad Dog 2020, and then you'd hit Dunkin' Donuts for the caffeine. It seems like it's because it's cheap. Used to be Mad Dog 2020, and then you'd hit Dunkin' Donuts for the caffeine. It seems like it's not all that cheap. Okay, Chad, read that part. Chad's going to read what's on the label. Read that part, and then read that part. Buckfast Tonic Wine. The name Tonic Wine does not imply

health-giving or medicinal properties. Made by the Benedictine monks, Buckfast Abbey, Devon, England. I don't know if I said that right. Yeah. Red wine-based aperitif, 99.28%. Did somebody correct me? How was it? Yeah, it was back to our mic.

I got corrected on it. Well, I might need it when I'm reading an audio book someday. How do you say it? Aperitif is good. Aperitif? Aperitif. Red wine based aperitif. You will never read a book that has aperitif in it.

Don't worry. They're not going to call you. Listen, I'm considering reading some gay erotic stuff, and it might have aper pair of teeth in it. It just sounds like a gay word. He bit my ass with a pair of teeth. Just... Nicely done.

Shaley. Oh, man. Shaley's going to write books that I can read. It also contains high caffeine content. 30 milligrams, 100 milliliters. I don't know what that means. Nothing like some wine with caffeine, I guess. It also has sulfites.

Benedictine monks making hobo wine. They don't have agents. They go, we can't do the high caffeine. Look, we're making the wine, Brother John. What do we care where it goes? They send it to Juan Valdez. He caffeinates it. It's gone.

I'm picturing the recipe that we read on the other podcast where people are throwing socks and lying bread in there. So we thought when we got these two bottles, we thought Kenny would be the perfect guy because Kenny just looks homeless. And we go, Kenny doesn't really drink. He's a stoner. Shots.

I go, there's got to be someone. We were going to drop off the buck fast at the homeless shelter. And then Chad Shank brought his boys here, his sons. someone we were going to drop off the buck fast at the homeless shelter and then chad shank brought his boys here his sons oh no you're not gonna give them the buck fast are you yeah i thought well they look like they are they both legal drinking age? Absolutely. How old are you? Are you Kenny or John? I'm John. All right. The king needs a taster is what we're saying.

Oh, are we doing the taste test? Yes. Yeah, we're doing that. Good. If John's willing, he can do it. Let's push the mic up a little closer because if he vomits, I want that all on. Should we get a bucket? I'm really close Splash volume

That's interesting Get a parabolic microphone for the splash He didn't even smell it he just drank it It's not bad Fuck you pussy He's doing the double bird Fuck you pussies He's so used to drinking shit from

The girlfriend of the day's dad's back porch bar. Tap water. Vermouth. Four loco. I want to smell it. John, what do you drink? How old are you? I'm 23.

Lean into the mic. Eat it. I'm 23. I drink mostly beer and tequila. All right. So that's whatever you can get, basically? Yeah, pretty much. How broke are you?

How much money do you have in your pocket? Zero. He's at the fun house. And, like, maybe 47 cents in my banking account. 47 cents. banking account? 47 cents. It would sound like an old Vegas slot

machine if you cashed that out. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding. He didn't get money from his parents for Christmas. My account looks the same as his. Do we have to do Buckfast with him? Chase, let's get some more.

I just drank some right out of the bottle. It's not bad at all. I thought it was pretty awful. Well, what's get some more. I just drank some right out of the bottle. It's not bad at all. I thought it was pretty awful. Well, what's the other crap that we drank here when we were drunk? That was worse. Oh, there's been a few. The thing from the Netherlands? Yeah. That orange thing?

Yeah. Yeah, like a licorice one maybe and an orange. I remember a few. This is not bad at all. All right, send one down. All right, here you go. Don't give me the big one. Give that to the kid. Oh, no, no, yeah, yeah. I remember a few. This is not bad at all. All right, send one down. All right, here you go. Give that to the kid. He's already tested it.

He already had one. Where's the small glasses, Trace? The other kid's over there. He's hiding. Yeah, he drinks more like Jenny. There was a boxing match. Did you guys know Chad's kids here? And how old are you, Kenny?

I'm 25. 25, 23. And how old are you, Kenny? I'm 25. 25, 23. And you guys were having a boxing match outside. Did you know that we were all watching from inside? Not until you were cheering. Not until we were cheering. There you go, Jimmy. Yeah, but it was all body shots.

But you kept going out of the frame of we can watch you through the window. The sliding glass window was actually like the frame of a TV screen. Yeah. Well, to be fair, they were probably trying to stay away from tripping over the ice chest and the fire pit. Fire pit's hot if you want to have a rematch. When Kenny tripped over the ice chest trying to go backwards, I immediately thought, I was like, all MMA fights should have randomly placed ice chests.

Like there's a chute, it just slides down. You have no idea. You're just trying to move backwards, and you fall over an ice chest. Fix that, motherfucker. Get on your fucking toes, man. Yeah, yeah. All right, Johnny, you're 23.

Do you have any fucked up stories at this age? This was the age I started doing comedy, at 23. And I had some fucked up stories. What do you got? I should have let you plan. You know what? Actually, I'll let you bail out. I'm going to bring in Uncle Bill has a story.

There you go. Let's drink our Buckfast. I'm drinking it. The Buckfast. It's a sipping thing? I just drink some out of the bottle, and I feel like I might vomit. Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas.

Yeah, it's not bad. It's not bad. Well, you'll feel like you're going to vomit in a minute or two. If you do a Google search Buckfast and you hit images, yeah, you understand what this does to your teeth. I started with the, yeah, yeah. I started with the Bailey's coffee. Then I went to three mimosas with apple cider.

Automosas, we call them, because you only get cider. That's the Buckfast talking about. That's prune wine. That tastes like prune wine to me. Buckfast for you, Uncle Bill. What does Benedictine even mean? Good shit. Fuck these people.

No, it didn't smell bad. It didn't taste bad. If Uncle Bill lives through it, we'll all live through it. It's like our canary. Uncle Bill. He's got to lean forward. Yes, sir. There you go.

Backdoor Mike, your son. Yes. I don't even know how Ken Kesey came up in this conversation. Floyd was talking about it. Floyd, of course. If anyone's talking about the 1960s, it's Floyd. Floyd and I have history. I'm sorry.

I talked over you. Say that again, Floyd. I talked over you. He's just like my fucking hero. You know, like John Kekowski is your hero out, Ken. There you go. I got them all. We're in the same ballpark, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We are. What's your Ken Kesey story? Ken Kesey. All right. I'm a 60s, 70s guy. Mandatory reading. Read everything he ever put out, including.

Electric acid Kool-Aid test, which I brought up to Officer Bob Friendly. Was he one of the beat poets? Kesey? Oh, he was in. No to Officer Bob Friendly. Was he one of the beat poets? Keezy? No, he was a writer. He was always a writer. Right? I'm only 41. Who's Keezy?

Oh, my God. You're so uneducated. No, he's just younger. Anyway, Keezy fan. And Cuckoo's Nest comes out as a film. He wrote One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. He wrote the book One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. He had a lot of ambition.

Oh, many other books. Just a fantastic writer. Anyway, it was taken from his time when he worked in an insane asylum in Oregon. And they would use acid as drug testing. And so he got into acid, and here we go. Anyway, this is just some little bits of history. It's the night of the Academy Awards. And I used to, when films interested me, not so much these days, but...

You don't like Ben Affleck as Batman? No. No. I never even heard about it. But anyway, I watch Entertainment Tonight and things like that just so I realize... Cutting edge. I don't know who you're talking about and I don't even know who these people are. Right? Anyway. I don't know who you're talking about And I don't even know who these people are Right Anyway

I always have I always have cocktails This is 1962 When One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest came out Yeah This is a little bit A little bit later When the film

Yeah Oh when he wrote it He wrote it in 62 Anyway down the road The history of cuckoo's nest was kisi sold the rights to cuckoo's nest to kirk douglas who by the way just turned 100 happy birthday celebrity death pool join up yeah until January 15th. Put your money on Kirk. He's 100. That's a zero, right, if you win?

It's a zero, but if it's a solo pick. Not if it's a solo. Anyway, when you read about Kesey, Kirk Douglas bought the rights to Cuckoo's Nest for $18,000 and took that money and financed the Merryary pranksters trip with the bus and cassidy and the mission was to meet to drive across the country and meet jack kerouac well to cut to the chase they finally get there after you read the book. It was a rough trip, but they did it. Uncle Bill is 114 years old. It seems like the podcast is slowing up a bit.

You have to appreciate it. But I want to give you a history of who Casey is a little bit. Uncle Bill is worth almost no points in celebrity death. He's a lot older than that in drug years. Oh, wow. Was the Merry Pranksters, were they like, were traveling east to west? It's everything we should be doing with our lives. West to east.

That's what the Merry Pranksters. They were the electric acid Kool-Aid. The bus is in the Smithsonian. If everybody gets there, go look at it. Anyway. Not for long. And they get there only to find out that Kerouac was an ex-Marine right-wing Nazi son of a bitch. And these are a bunch of freaking acid guys.

And they were so disappointed. Anyway, and in turn, Kirk gives the rights to his son, Michael, who in turn makes the film. Having read the book and almost memorized it, it was a beautiful book. If you haven't read it, Chad, read the book. Anyway. The Bible? Which book are you talking about? One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Oh, yeah, I already saw the movie. Ken Keith. That ain't the book. the movie ken keith that ain't the book keezy was thrown off the set as an advisor because he didn't agree with the the movie has nothing to do with the book anyway as most of them do to be clear he was thrown off the set because he's a pain in the ass yeah but don't get me wrong it's a hell of a fun film i'm sitting there watching the academy awards that's running away everything and i know the history of it and i said i know where he lives i called information in springfield oregon and he was listed andy andrews has been to his place as you know kid has his place and all this weird yeah so i called him and he answers the phone

it's academy one he answers the phone i've never seen him but i've read him and he's slow i said ken yeah bill clements monterey he said who i said bill cle, Monterey. He said, who? I said, Bill Clements, Monterey. Oh. I hate to do this because I'm drunk and I talk too much, but I realize just through my career when someone comes up to me with conviction and says, hey, do you remember me? I'm the guy. Hey, I'm says, hey, do you remember me? I'm the guy.

Hey, I'm, or not even do you remember me? Hey, Bob from Monterey. Monterey. I go, hey, good to see you. And I realized once I met people way more famous than me, I could just do that. Yeah. And they would have to, hey, remember me from Top Gun? Yeah. Like I just do that yeah and they would have to hey remember me from uh top gun yeah like

i could do that oh goose goose how's it going tom cruise i could say and he would feel like such a douche for not remembering that he would just pretend to know me jumps in yeah and that's exactly what i'm he said oh yeah how you been? Oh, great, Ken, great. You? And I say to him, are you aware of what's going on right now? He said, Academy Awards, right? I said, yeah. He said, no, I don't know.

I said, well, they're winning everything. I know the history about Kirk and giving it to to his son and everything how do you feel about this i loved his response what he said and by the way i said what are you up to he said i'm in the shed you know he's fucked up man he's tripping he, I'm writing an article. He was working for this, doing site articles for this magazine in San Francisco called Go Spit in the Ocean. Of course, we all got some subscriptions. I have to cut away briefly. Hey, this is the Doug Stano podcast. If you don't subscribe to Go Spit in the Ocean, you're a nerd.

Okay, well, now we're back with the podcast. Yeah. So anyway, he tells me that we bullshit a little bit. And I said, well, how do you feel about what's going on? He said, I loved his answer. He said, well, do you ever put something in your pocket and you go to get it and you realize there's a hole in your pocket and it's gone i went jesus christ write that down man that's a that's freaking beautiful But that's how he handled it,

and he went back to writing for Ghost Spit in the Ocean. We had a wonderful conversation. That's a fucking great story. Uncle Bill, 115 years old tonight. That's 115 years old at midnight. God bless Ken Kesey. Do you realize if at the end of that story, Uncle Bill had taken him back to a baseball field

that he plowed in his cornfield? That is the exact plot of Field of Dreams. That is a fantastic story. He will, they will, all of them. Thanks, Doug. Thanks, Doug. Yeah, you go. Floyd, come on, drop in.

It's a Christmas special. And you can always edit this out, right? Yeah, well, we try not to. We already edited you out. We try not to. Then Tom Konopka's got some Vegas story he's got to tell. So go ahead. Good tease.

Use it or lose it. But Ken Kesey, one of my heroes since I was in jail and read, the real story of Cuckoo's Nest in a book, which is totally different. The movie's great. The book is a pain. It's going to blow your mind. But I went to see Ken Kesey do a spoken word thing when I lived in Boulder. And the whole media in Boulder was a little bit left.

Media was a little pissed off at him right now for not being politically correct enough with his shit. And he told them to go fuck themselves. He was pretty much run out of Boulder at the time. At the time, they were giving Allen Ginsberg the key to the city. He's a member of Nambla. I'm thinking, what the fuck?

What? You're allowed to explore that tangent. Hang on, hang on. Wait, wait, wait. For the record, the only time I've been sued other than the last time I got sued, the first time I got sued was for saying someone was a member of NAMBLA as a joke, and I got sued for defamation.

Allegedly. Definitely. Allegedly a member of NAMBLA at the time. Who was? And I got sued for defamation. Oh, allegedly. Definitely. Allegedly a member of NAMBLA at the time. Who was? Allen Ginsberg. But this, you don't know what's going on. Don't look at me like it's public knowledge. You're making a statement here.

I want to make sure everyone's clear. No, I don't know. You are making the statement. I am worried. No, I don't know. Like, is my timeline so off? Don't edit this. It could have been a thing in the 50s when the beat poets were around.

Nambla was around? I thought Nambla was an internet sensation. This made me fake news. This whole podcast. I believe this, this whole fucking thing. Let's call this podcast Fake News on Christmas. If I blew this, I hate it, but I'm sorry. Watch the documentary Who Took Johnny Gosch?

It's all about the pedophile. But you can't say that. Oh, is that the Lincoln, Nebraska, Boys Town? That's my favorite conspiracy theory. I haven't seen the documentary. There's so much going on right now Tom Konopka's coming in with some Coherent

Get Bukowski out I can kiss my fucking business Oh my god We're gonna have Floyd Bukowski merch soon Good I don't know Beat it There's a fucking guy who can talk.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. How do you follow that, folks? Your opener just apologized for you being the... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. How do you follow animals, kids, and Floyd? Tell Floyd he did a good job silently.

Floyd! Hey, Tom, pull the mic next to you. Yeah, there you go. Speak right into the mic. Yeah. We still running? Are you going to tell Vegas stories? Oh, shit! Hang on, let's back up. We're going to have to run this through.

Yeah, break it. Alan Ginsberg is on Wikipedia as a Nambla defender and member thank you Jesus Floyd with the credibility saves Chaley some editing so's Plato by the way or is it Socrates

Socrates and Blotto anyone need a drink before we start this? We all good here? No. We good? Good. I could defend Nambla, but I'll save that for a special.

Why don't we don't air? No, no, no. I'm not going to waste material I could use. I've already touched on this, but I'm just not gay. Well, I am gay. Sorry, on two specials I have come out of the closet. I'm very gay. Not as much as you'd like to be gay, but not that gay.

The point is it's the whole teacher fucking students thing when you're a dude. It's kind of the same where you go, the hackneyed joke is, oh, hot teacher fucks a student.

Hey, why wasn't she my teacher? Well, what if you're gay? It's almost homophobic or sexist or whatever it is. Well, what if I wanted to fuck my teacher and she's a chick everyone goes oh you wish my teacher did that well if i was a gay 13 year old and i wanted to fuck my teacher oh he's a fucking rapist pedophile no i would have fucked the lady teacher and you'd all go, yeah.

So, yeah. It's a double standard, you're saying. I could make that into a bit. That's in the book, the audio book from audible.com that I'm listening to right now. Well, Nambla, they're not saying fuck children. And I'm not reading a Nambla book on audible.com. Please don't. Ron Johnson, so you've been publicly shamed yeah is is that we just got me and ron just or john just got into this point where it's like if you're

if you're a guy it's harder to be publicly shamed than if you're a female yeah and that's the chapter we're on right now. That's a great plug. So You've Been Publicly Shamed by John Ronson is one of the best books I've read in the last two years. It's fucking fantastic. That's the same guy that did Psychopath Test. Yeah. Of course, you read that, Chad.

Listen to it on Audible. I would suggest the Publicly Shamed as a a primer to going into the psychopath because i can just imagine it made me tone down my twitter rhetoric yeah like when i realize how much it hurts in my tender mornings where i just wake up hating myself for no reason, as we often do. There's reason. And just one shitty tweet. Well, no, there's not. There's not. We're fucking good people tonight.

At the time, I mean, there's logical reason at the time. I don't sit and hate myself because there's not logical reason to. I mean, it doesn't matter. You've got to get over it. It makes me, it made me think twice about i i sports center there's so many things i think sports center on espn is the dumbest thing i can watch where i do watch football it's not wolf blitzer breaking news and then you go i hate these people just as much. And when you realize you hate that many people in a row, that it's you.

There can't be that many people in a row that you hate and you want to tweet awful shit at how stupid they look, how stupid they dress, so stupid. But yeah, it's me. Shut up. So Doug, has there been something that has happened either at a live performance or you saying something on stage that has made you pull back from the performances after? No, no.

This is on Twitter where I go, if you tweet it at them, they're going to see it and it's going to make them feel bad. Direct. Yeah. them yeah they're gonna see it and it's gonna make them feel bad direct yeah i i i want to i want to blurt out every racial epithet because i you know that hurts the worst to a white male no like just you can't call colin cowherd a nigger because his nose is too weird to look at. Yeah, a nigger only works on one of them. And that's Joe Buck. Joe Buck.

I love Joe Buck. I like Joe Buck. Joby hates Joe Buck. I love Joe Buck. The same reason I voted for Gary Johnson. Blame me for Hillary not winning. I voted for Gary Johnson. Blame me for Hillary not winning. I voted for Gary Johnson. Why?

Because he follows me on Twitter. Yeah, that's all it takes. And that's why democracy is a flawed theory. It's all ego and who's going to be the class president. I'll do you one better. I voted for him because Doug did. There you go. Doug follows Chad.

That's the Democratic way. That's some fucking horrible... Tom Konopka. Oh, my God. New Bisbee-ite Tom Konopka. I love Bisbee. Hello, kids. He's all over the Twitter.

He's Mr. Positive, where I have to fight to say to not say negative shit on Twitter, he's, I love you, thank you, thank you for your support. The ballast. Well, you get all that Tai Chi, fucking Taekwondo. Yeah, Taekwondo, all of that. Since our telemarketing days, you were always doing some kind of fucking... He was positive back then.

Wait, seriously? He's into martial arts? He's choking me. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I have pretty much my whole life. Everyone on Twitter loves you? And some guy said,

hey, get Tom Kanopka with more Vegas stories oh my god what do you want me to follow Kerouac Nambla oh you remember that whatever the fuck

all that Jesus Christ no there's nothing it's not a rehearsed anything about Vegas but I think about things that are just happenstance

he just looked at his notes when he said I do I have three of them but it's not a long it's not a bit yeah I have to remember you don't do bits you're not a comic

no no no people don't worry I just thought about long stars. No, no, no. People don't worry. I just thought about something. It's one of those you had to be there that was funny. But when I was first working at the Mint, it was about 1981. And this was before they had all the surveillance. Yeah, right next to Binion's Horseshoe. What's the Mint?

It's a casino downtown in Vegas right next to Binion's Horseshoe. The old Vegas. Old Vegas. Yeah. And it merged. Union Plaza, El Cortez. Yeah, and Binyon's Horseshoe is where the World Series of Poker originated. What year is this?

81, 81 going into 82. But commonly back then, the technology was so different. They had basically thieves that they caught would do what we call the eye in the sky. When you look up, you would see the two-way mirrors and that was it they weren't using cameras back then they relied on the you know actual person there's a person behind that slanted mirror above it like it used to be yeah i get there in 86 yeah but they used to back then they had low ceilings and so they had these catwalks it was basically basically- Low minimum wage also. Yeah, it was, yeah, that's exactly what it was.

And they had catwalks and what they would do is walk over the tables and listen and watch and report and see if anybody's, you know, making moves. And so commonly on a dice table, if we were dead, we're just sitting there, people would come up and they'd say, did those things, are they really two-way? Did people ever really, you know,

are anybody watching us? And I said, yeah, it was an older couple. And as they're asking that, literally, a guy came falling through directly above us. Oh, shit. This is, I could not exaggerate. Right as she's asking, you couldn't script this, came crashing down. And glass, we all moved, and the guy got stuck at his waist. And it's like a cartoon.

His legs were swinging, and I'm just pointing, saying, well, there you go. There's your answer. And the guy's screaming. No, no. And the guy's screaming. That was one of those silly things. Help. And they brought a ladder and pushed him back up.

Yeah, he couldn't come out. There he is. They pushed him back up. Ocean's 10 and a half. Ocean's ten and a half. Ocean's ten and a half. Steven Seagal movie. But just silly shit like that that you could never, you can't rehearse that. Nowadays they can zoom in and read anything.

But that was, yeah. I think he rehearsed something, but it wasn't falling through the fucking drop ceiling. No. Whatever he rehearsed did not work. Anyone that's listening to this podcast, if I was privy to a story like that that I forgot, which occasionally I run into people and they go, hey, you remember that time?

I'm like, fuck, how did I forget that? Yeah, email me those goddamn stories at Doug at DougStanhope.com because I'm going to get a book done by early March. You'll be getting a call back. Use it. If you tell a story with confidence, even if it's not true, it may make it into the...

I retell a couple of stories that were told to me in confidence and then you feed it through your bullshit detector and you go i'm getting fuck it i'm telling it again it's easy for you to say jimmy goings used to run some comedy club up in the bay area his friend worked in an emergency room. Hooker comes in all beat up, and he has this list of questions he has to ask her, which now, after Bingo's trauma, I understand, by law. Admission. Yeah.

Like when you're admitting someone, you have to ask certain amounts. Are you a victim of domestic violence? Have you been tested for HIV? Are you an intravenous drug user? It's just this endless, and the hooker at some point stops him and goes, let me ask you a question. Fuck you. And I don't care if that story is complete bullshit.

Oh, it's too good. It's got to be true. It's got to be true. It's got to be true. It's got to be true. It's too good. It's one of those things where who could make this up? No. Well, usually when you hear that, well, anyone could make that up.

We can't make this kind of stuff up. Well, yeah, that one you couldn't because you're not clever enough. If someone made that up, I'll deliver that like it's fucking true. It's a catchphrase now here in the it is it was one of the things when i was testing bingo's memory and we have warm it up chris i'm about to so if she says i'm gonna make french toast make french toast chris she'll go i'm about to make french toast chris that's what i was born to do. Like all of our goofy, silly shit that we do alone, baby talky shit. And that was one that I go, let me ask you a question.

Fuck you. With a finger over a tracheal. Oh, my God. Nick Nolte-ish. Oh, by the way, I guess a bingo report. Bingo's good, except for her mood. She can't be around heavy social situations. She hates everyone if you talk to her.

So her mood and her vocal cords. We get a month of speech therapy, and then we'll see if her vocal cords, she will talk like this for a while. They heard her on the last podcast. She sounded great today. Everyone was tweeting. They're saying, bingo, you sound great.

She doesn't know it, and she still is. Self-conscious. She sounds fantastic. So I still have time to buy her a Christmas gift? No, our 40th birthday present. She's still waiting for that. All right, let's get back to nothing. And then we'll figure out who else has a story,

take a break, and we'll just air this whole fucking thing. We should do this on New Year's Eve. I'm not going to commit to that. Nah, fuck it. We'll do it during the week. Just do it. Just do it.

A clean post. Don't end it. Here's a break. Here's a fake break. And then we're going to get back into, oh, wait, hang on. Hey, do you guys want to go to college in Nogales? Go work with Alex O'Meara. Yes.

Take his class. All right. There's a commercial. And now back to the podcast. That's a horrible commercial. It's the wrong city, even. Is it the wrong city? That's a wrap.

Let's close this out with Brendan Walsh singing the first track. What is it? Jingle Bell Rock. All right. Jingle Bell Rock by Brendan Walsh. Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys. And blowing up Portions of fun Now the jingle hop Has begun

Jingle bell, jingle bell Jingle bell rock Jingle bell charm And jingle bell time Prancing and prancing In jingle bell square In the frosty air What a bright time.

It's the right time to rock the night away. Jingle bell time is a swell time to go gliding in a one horse sleigh. Ginny up, jingle horse, pick up your feet. Jingle Bell Rock Jingle bells chime in, jingle bell time. Dancing and prancing in Jingle Bell Square. In the frosty air, what a bright time. It's the right time to rock the night away. Jingle bell time is a swell time to go gliding on a one horse sleigh Oh, jitty up, jingle horse, check up your feet

Jingle around the clock Mix and a mingle and a jingle and beat That's the jingle bell, that's the jingle bell That's the Jingle Bell That's the Jingle Bell That's the Jingle Bell Rock