The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #187: Fireside Chat at the Arizona Inn

Episode Date: January 10, 2017

This episode sponsored by BlueApron.com. Get you first 3 meals for FREE by signing up at BlueApron.com/STANHOPE (#blueapron)Doug invites Chaille out to the Arizona Inn to have a little fireside chat....A continued thanks to Sal from the Impractical Jokers (@truTVjokers) for having all the vodka sent to the FunHouse. We are still receiving boxes.Recorded Jan. 06, 2017 fireside at the Arizona Inn in Tucson, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Special appearance by Tom Konopka (@realTomKonopka). Produced & Edited by Chaille.LINKS:- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Here at the Arizona Inn, just one-third of a mile from UMC, where Bingo was airlifted after her accident, sits the Arizona Inn where Chaley and I are doing fireside chat with Chaley. are doing fireside chat with Chaley. Your host, Doug Stanhope. Just your voice is making me want to lay back, like sit back in this chair. Well, sitting here in front of the fireplace at the Circa 1930 Arizona Inn, which during the day feels like Bushwood.
Starting point is 00:00:46 Bushwood, that's the country club from Caddyshack. There's no betting at Bushwood. That's how it felt, because Bingo and I, Bingo had to come up for her
Starting point is 00:01:01 last CAT scan read. She got the cat scan had to come up to talk to the neurologist to find out how her brain is they did you know a couple when she first landed two months ago and then all right how's it how's it progressed so uh so we came up here and we stayed at the arizona inn we we had a two hour drive from bisbee so it was an early morning appointment we came up a day early so we didn't have to drive early in the morning when i might still be drunk and those fucking weird headlights on the mada. Fuck you, Jim Click. It was Jim Click, right? Oh, I can take care of that tomorrow.
Starting point is 00:01:48 Oh, shit, it's Saturday. All right. It doesn't matter. I have a plan for this, you and me. All right. Anyway. The headlights or life? The headlights.
Starting point is 00:01:58 Okay. So instead of the Aloft, because we stayed there last week when we came up and said hi to our old friends, the bartenders, I go, well, check this place out. It turns out I actually stayed in this fucking place in 2000 and whatever it was, four, three, Girls Gone Wild.
Starting point is 00:02:20 Yeah, they put me up here. I was very pissed, because after a long night of annoying women we stayed here and there's no it's like on a dead street there's no bars maybe that that's what girls gone wild wanted a place where a girl could scream no one will hear the rapey inn there's no fucking the bar closes at 12 we're here at two i get what the fuck there's no mini bar what the fuck but it is beautiful it's quite a spread it is it's kind of like uh the shining meets uh midnight in the garden of good and Evil meets Caddyshack. Meets Boutique Hotel.
Starting point is 00:03:09 Because there's a fucking, they give you an iPad or a tablet, but then they also have a fireplace. And they have a fucking 19-inch flat screen on the wall. That you can't see from the TV. Or from the bed. You can't see it from the bed. That's where we're going to watch the Oakland Raiders
Starting point is 00:03:24 fail horrifically tomorrow. I'm rooting for them. Love the Raiders. Hate their fans. We like Jeff. Yeah, they have – actually, I'm a fan of the Raiders, but the fucking gangbangers when they moved to L.A. adopted them. And, yeah, it's ruined the Raiders since.
Starting point is 00:03:48 That's Becker's team, the Raiders. I know. Well, he's old like me. I respect, and Jeff too, our neighbor Jeff. If you remember the old Oakland Raiders, they were my first team where I knew every player from Fred Belitnikoff, number 25 was my favorite player of all time still is gene upshaw fucking art shell dave casper don't make me go on i'm trying
Starting point is 00:04:16 to figure out how to make you stop nick so yeah so we uh we we checked in here randomly. I thought, this might be nice. Bingo night. Like, kind of a, it's a nice, quiet vibe. I didn't remember I had stayed here until I got here. You didn't plan on it? No, I was on a fucking Expedia. I shouldn't even plug those cocksuckers. Fuck you.
Starting point is 00:04:41 But I used them. Come on. And we sat down outside the restaurant patio outdoors. Nice weather. Let's have a noontime drink. I should be writing my book, but Bingo suggested a noontime drink. And I said, well, if Bingo asked, who am I to say no? So Bingo's drinking now?
Starting point is 00:05:10 Yeah, I mean, not heavily. She hasn't. A cocktail? It's been years since she drank heavily. Remember when she quit drinking because she was drinking too much? And that was like, fucking, what, five, eight years ago? I can't tell anymore.
Starting point is 00:05:26 There was a tour where she didn't drink. How come she didn't fucking drive? I mean, that was really, that really would have been the smarter thing to do because I was drinking on the tour back then. We sat down at noontime, and this is beautiful, like luxurious estate.
Starting point is 00:05:48 There's lots of paths, and you have to walk 15 miles to the pool, but there's beautiful things along the way and gardens and shit. It doesn't matter what's on the other side of the wall. You are in an area that is like a bubble. Right. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:06:01 It's a compound. It's a fucking compound. If it had the right people, it would's a compound yeah compound if it had the right people it would be a compound if there was not fucking ted knight sitting out there talking about trump really loud right next to us there's two we're in between two tables of some bean counter guy like everyone here is a wicked republican golfer at least two guys are having this wicked loud old man conversation about Trump. And he's really still, and I don't like Trump myself. I mean, I just hated Hillary.
Starting point is 00:06:37 I voted because I hated Hillary. And these conversations are still going on. And I know Bingo doesn't want to hear it. I'm like, let's take these drinks back to the room. We only get a drink at the bar so we'd get the glass. Oh, that's right. That's why I'm drinking out of a coffee mug. Because you only had one drink at the bar last night.
Starting point is 00:06:59 No, no. The other clean cups are in the bathroom on top of the toilet tank. I washed the ones we had from last night. In the toilet? On the toilet tank on top of a towel where I did dishes. I tried to make the place pleasant for you. I called Shaley up last night because we get up here at night early, and it was beautiful.
Starting point is 00:07:23 They get a ping pong table that you would think they have tournaments for. They got croquet. They have tennis courts. So I called Chaley. I go, hey, we might stay a couple extra days because fuck it, I don't need to be at football at my house. It just causes me anxiety. You called me at 8 in the morning on a Friday morning after we were out late last night.
Starting point is 00:07:48 Because we had to get up early for the doctor's appointment. And that's when I thought maybe we should stay. Half of the reason being I might still be too drunk to drive. So maybe we'll stay. But the weather's going to get better, so maybe we stay two days. Fuck football. We'll get back in time for the Packers on Sunday, and that's the only –
Starting point is 00:08:11 What's Andrew and Bingo's meds. This is a podcast. This isn't a conversation. I know it doesn't sound entertaining even to the listener. So, yeah, I called Chaley. Hey, do you want to come up to tucson for a vaguely a vacation yeah so yeah we we rented this place out for two more days and now we have i moved from that other room to a room with two beds and a fireplace because the chalice have two rules on a waycations yep and that's uh don't put four of
Starting point is 00:08:50 us in a queen-size bed and make sure you have a goddamn fireplace so we can do fireside chats with chaley chaley i'm gonna turn the conversation to you now. You do this all the time. It's the Doug Stanhope podcast. But this is the fireside chats with Chaley. 30 minutes. Oh, no, no. I got some stuff to say. Oh, you have some?
Starting point is 00:09:18 Oh, yeah. I was going to lead you into Hedberg stories you never want to tell. Because I'm trying to write a fucking book that no one, even though I obviously none of my friends from fucking 20 years ago or 15 years ago or even 5 years ago listen to the podcast because no one's sending me fucking stories
Starting point is 00:09:35 that make me go, oh fuck, I forgot about that. Well, there's one living at your house. He's in the last book. Oh, by the way, Tom kanopka today before i left i go hey hey you ready to go let's uh he was giving me a ride to go uh pick up the crv yeah the the vehicle that we had repaired and uh i mean and then we're getting ready to come up here and everything so it's kind of a tight thing and he goes like hey uh shaley come in here for a second
Starting point is 00:10:03 i saw tom's pictures. Yeah, I got pictures. I got pictures. I'll show you sometime. I'll show you sometime. Today was a day. He brought out a couple. Oh, his bed was full of pictures.
Starting point is 00:10:16 They're fucking great, man. I mean, he's got pictures with him watching Sugar Ray Leonard work out. They put stands up and people will watch him. Oh, fuck yeah. They set this whole parquet floor up so he could shimmy across the floor. You don't know this, but boxing used to be a sport before the UFC. Are you talking about wrestling? People would watch it.
Starting point is 00:10:43 You're talking about wrestling. No. Boxing? Boxing was as big as roller derby or candle pin bowling. Hold on. Boxing. You mean Boxing Day, the day after Christmas? No, no.
Starting point is 00:10:55 That's Canadian. They've never had boxing. They don't even fight. I'm talking about in America, punching people in the face without having any other skills like ground game grappling taekwondo jujitsu yeah that was just hitting each other in the face repeatedly with big stupid cartoony gloves remember those uh slippers we sent bingo in the insane asylum that were so cute. Clownish. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:11:25 They were like big Charlie Brown, but they were oversized. So they'd put these giant gloves. Did you ever see a man fight a kangaroo in a circus? That was a sport. Yeah. Back before the UFC turned people into civilized human beings i don't know where i'm going with this my uncle wrestled an oiled orangutan in vietnam you're not lying you don't have the chops to lie that my uncle didn't talk a lot about Vietnam. And my first question was, like, did you win?
Starting point is 00:12:12 And he said, son, when that thing put a hand on me, I knew how powerful it was. That orangutan could have fucking snapped his neck. that orangutan could have fucking snapped his neck. And it was only for fear of the handler who probably, I imagine him with a whip and missing a tooth. That is the best PTSD Vietnam story. When he leans into you trembling and the sweat is starting to form on his brow when you're asking him about how vietnam really was and he said son when that orangutan put its hand on me i knew how strong it was and then mother pulled you away son son come have some more biscuits and gravy uncle bob doesn't want to talk anymore uncle
Starting point is 00:13:06 he uh he said that uh it was in a clearly it was in a bar uh and it was in and my uncle i mean he's he's scrappy right and uh he not orangutan not orangutan. He's got some moves. When he – when it was a thing where everyone was like, Naya, come on. You'll do it. Come on. And they get him to do it. But then they bring out the orangutan, which has been now oiled. They oiled it down.
Starting point is 00:13:38 And he's like, what the fuck is this? He grabbed it. And I just imagine it like slipping and hitting the ceiling. Like he does a bear hold on it and it just imagined it like slipping like and hitting the ceiling like he he does a bear hold on it and it just slips right out of his hand and then is the orangutan that's the the orangutan is the one that's it's got the big bulbous ass that's a baboon baboon yeah okay that's a different bar oh orangutan okay that's orangutan is the... Every which way but loose. Clint Eastwood. Right turn, Clyde.
Starting point is 00:14:08 Gotcha. Yeah, so, yeah, he lost. Jeez, you know, those were the days when you could oil an orangutan. You know, an orangutan... Without it being sexual harassment. An orangutan almost choked me. I actually have an orangutan story. We were at the Tropicana.
Starting point is 00:14:32 This is not in your notes, I'm guessing. No, I'm not to the notes yet. Remember that guy who beat the shit out of the apes at a show in Vegas? Billy or Bobby or something. He had a whole... Oh. He was the guy. And then they got video footage of him smacking backstage.
Starting point is 00:14:53 Siegfried and Roy... Give up the marshmallow! Siegfried and Roy got eaten. Like, all right, the animals are getting their revenge. It was that kind of thing. All right, this Vegas act beat his animals, so now the tigers are going to attack their fucking god. This guy guy did all he only worked with the orangutans and something else like i think he had a chimp or something but then uh in uh one of the breezeways at the
Starting point is 00:15:14 tropicana my brother and i are walking down there and there's like this like uh it was almost like a budweiser point of sale like a like a big thing. And it was him with the orangutan and a photographer. And you get your picture taken. And so my brother and I, my twin brother and I, were sitting there. And I've got long hair. And my brother's just like shorn, right? This orangutan, like long hair, he put his arm around me and then started to choke me. He put his arm around me and then started to choke me.
Starting point is 00:15:51 And the trainer went over and with no – serious as a fucking heart attack, ripped that arm from around my neck. And it's like, that's it. We're done. And closed the fucking thing down. And my brother's like, I think that was way more serious than we actually think it was. That's the weirdest way to bond with your uncle. Now I know what you meant, Uncle Bob. I'll never know what the NAMM was like, but the strength of an aramitang.
Starting point is 00:16:22 That's what I told you, buddy. The strength of an aramitan yeah hey there's a va bottle out there can you open the door and grab it sometimes when i get like a thousand yard stare tracy will just look at me and go you think about the aramitan and i'll go just give me a moment i do that to bingo all the time because the on the man show uh i fought uh tanya harding who was supposed to be a she's getting into professional boxing she by the way side note she's the only one who has actually pinned an aramitane note, she's the only one who has actually pinned an aramitane.
Starting point is 00:17:05 But I have the gloves hanging up. She would not autograph the boxing gloves because she said, oh no, people are just going to sell this on eBay. Yeah, that's what you do with signatures. I was so nice to her when I shouldn't have been.
Starting point is 00:17:21 No, I'm glad I was nice to her because she was so feral at that point. But eventually, Jake LaMotta, we met him, and I had him sign the boxing gloves that Tonya Harding refused to sign. So they hang up above the – right where we do it. Right where I – Loser's Corner. Right above me, yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:42 Above you when we do the podcast in the Funhouse, and they're signed by Jake LaMotta. But ever since I've had those hanging up, I'll occasionally say to Bingo, baby, I got to get back in the ring. It's all I know. It's all I know. It's fighting.
Starting point is 00:18:02 It was one fight I took a dive, and I got to redeem myself. And bingo. Who is now, by the way, we keep talking about, she had her final CAT scan. Yeah, full brain function. Wow.
Starting point is 00:18:16 And the guy jokingly said, so as far as what I do, just neurosurgery, her vocal cords are still fucked and that's ENT. But he goes, so as far as what i do just neurosurgery her vocal cords are still fucked and that's ent but uh he goes so for as far as what i do she's cured and i go can she do other stuff like they said she might be months before she can drive and like the dishes oh i said can she drive because the early on when she's you know it might be months she can't even drive
Starting point is 00:18:46 because they gave us this whole exposition. And he said, she can drive unless there's some reason that you think you can't drive. And I said, well, she is a woman. Even Bingo laughed. Bingo, not only is her brain back, her laugh is back, she just still doesn't really want to talk
Starting point is 00:19:12 to anyone because she can't really talk well because her vocal cords are fucked up by getting better day by day. She can talk, she just doesn't want to talk to you. How about that, motherfucker? Put that in your hat. And smoke it. You don't really smoke out in your hat. And smoke it. You don't really smoke out of a hat. I did notice, Bingo, your guitar was out up at Hazard.
Starting point is 00:19:31 Are you still playing a little bit? Playing every day. Okay, good. I was going to say, just because your voice isn't there. I can't sing, but I'm playing every day. Good. That's part of your recovery. Playing every day. Good. That's part of your recovery. Playing every day.
Starting point is 00:19:50 Fuck. What's in your notes? Go ahead. We're over 30 minutes, I'm sure. Tom, by the way, we got in this because of Tom. He did show me, he has a lot of stories,
Starting point is 00:20:03 so those are coming. He has pictures to back up some of these stories that he hasn't even talked to us about so these are things that are going to come up in the future so I get tweets and I get messages from people they love the Tom Konopka podcast stories and those are on the way and by the way
Starting point is 00:20:20 we got pictures I'll show you sometime I see Tom usually in the morning because I have fucking two months to finish a book that I'm five days in. I'm smoking in here. Yeah, I'm smoking in here. Hold it. I'm just – imagine that falling on this ancient carpet. Don't worry.
Starting point is 00:20:39 I'm not – Clark Gable fucked a centerfold on this carpet, so it'll probably go up pretty quick. Just reminded me of what's-his-name's joke, that short fella. Marty Feldman? I don't know. Anyway, Tom Konopka. Yeah, I haven't really talked to him, because since we got back,
Starting point is 00:21:07 it's either been us over there for football or me at home with Bingo trying to write a book. So, yeah, he's taking care of the place. He's doing great. But we have not really sat down and talked a lot one-on-one. Let me tell you how great tom kanopka is caretaking the place we had that same the same kind of discussion today he stays out of your way because he is a gentleman and he knows if you want to talk or if you want to go get breakfast
Starting point is 00:21:43 or something like that he will find you because he knows you're dealing with with a lot of things with the book and uh taking care of bingo and things like that he's he is just he is part of the landscape now and unless also something i know that people are staying out of his way and he wants to get comfortable on his own i don't even want to go over to the house because i don't want to interrupt him like get your fucking like he's great at socializing he's a great he's awesome he's great at meeting people he's everything i'm not so yeah i know he's building his shit i'm taking care of my shit. And eventually, he'll show me pictures.
Starting point is 00:22:26 The problem is, in the morning, when I have no social skills at all, that's when he wants to show me pictures. One day, when I'm drinking, we're alone. We're social time. Right now, I just got to figure out. Fuck. God damn it. I have soy sauces at the other house, and I'm already cooking the thing. Don't show me pictures right now because there's chicken burning on the stove at the other house,
Starting point is 00:22:56 and I got to go back over there. Yeah. Literally, three photos, three separate photos are like, you have to tell that story on the podcast yeah i'll do it i'll do it then shows me a couple more and then dude that's a good one you gotta do so they're coming well they're great and they're great he's very passionate about the other thing is this save it for the podcast thing where like the mob guy that he was involved with he still has the newspaper cut out. And I'm like, don't show me this now because if you show it to me now when I'm distracted
Starting point is 00:23:29 and I'm just trying to get the mail or whatever, I'll forget and you won't show me again because in your head, you'll think I already showed it to him. Just save it. Most of the pictures had a guy in the photo that had a funny nickname. So those photos are coming. Or those stories are coming.
Starting point is 00:23:50 Yeah, it was fucking great. Konopka will never get a nickname because his last name is so perfect. Yeah. It's just Konopka. Yeah. Well, we got the – what were we calling him the other day? Too late, Tom? Oh, he called me Downhill Doug
Starting point is 00:24:13 Downhill Doug, yeah We were at a dinner party last night Yeah At Uphill Dave's house And he called me Downhill Doug Was that him or you? I don't know, I was drunk Dave called you that
Starting point is 00:24:24 But we did an adult event last night And that's why we got so drunk downhill Doug. Was that him or you? I don't know. I was drunk. Dave called you that. We did an adult event last night, and that's why we got so drunk. You had to go to an actual dinner party with actual people. That's nervous. They're not sober people. No, no, no. We had a great time. We're used to just being in the compound.
Starting point is 00:24:41 We're not used to being around people in a situation where it's not our home turf. Yeah, we only play home field advantage. It's like the Yankees playing every game at home. Guess what? They'd win way more. So, it was weird. But as soon as we got there,
Starting point is 00:24:55 so very nice. Great food, great time. And we took Tom with us, which was awesome. Yeah, we had a good time. And that's when they called you. Jack Whetstone owns the big fucking schoolhouse kitty corner. Jack Whetstone. Anyway, I'll figure that out.
Starting point is 00:25:12 But we crashed that lady's house. I thought it was two ladies that owned that place, but he said he ran into Jack Whetstone ran for mayor against Betty when she ran for mayor. And the third guy that became the mayor, whose name escapes me, years ago. Anyway, Super Bowl. Super Bowl this year. People email me still going, hey, I want to come to the Super Bowl party.
Starting point is 00:25:39 And I go, what party? I don't even know. We won't probably watch the super bowl this year is the uh it's not the super bowl party this year it's the dr mark's dr mark presents the dr mark super bowl party starring dr mark He's the guy. He's a friend of ours. I met him when we did the trade-out for my first hernia surgery. He was part of that?
Starting point is 00:26:13 Yeah, that's how I put it on my website. I go, Betty says my umbilical hernia could become necrotizing. No, I thought that was Kimberly that said that. No, she might have seconded the opinion. Oh, yeah. She was like, someone else said it,
Starting point is 00:26:33 and you're like, okay, that's two people. So, yeah, I put it up on the website. Betty said, and I go, so if there's any doctors out there, I'll trade you a free t-shirt and a CD for umbilical hernia surgery
Starting point is 00:26:50 fair trade yeah got it and they've been friends ever since and did my other hernia and
Starting point is 00:26:57 did bingo's vagina and so yeah he was there the trifecta yeah it was a couple they were anesthesiologists no longer a couple but both beautiful people still professionals so uh yeah dr bazell was there
Starting point is 00:27:14 when the helicopter landed with bingo life flighted in put his nose where it could have got him in trouble professionally and followed the whole thing, fact-checked everything, made sure everything was good. Without him and her dad getting her off the feeding tube with his weird science. So he was there today, works at the hospital where she got the final okay that her brain is good, and we had a celebratory cocktail, and there's no way to thank him. So this year's Super Bowl is Dr. Marks presents the Dr. Marks Super Bowl party
Starting point is 00:27:56 at Dr. Marks Fun House starring Dr. Mark with Dr. Mark in attendance, and it's going to be a celebration of Dr. Marks. So I don't even give a shit. If worst case scenario, it's the fucking Giants against Pittsburgh, which then we'll just watch old movies from the 40s. You keep hanging on to the fucking Giants. What's your problem?
Starting point is 00:28:20 They're the fucking... They're at least tied for the worst team with the Steelers as far as who cares, get the fuck out. Playoffs. Fuck off. No one cares about you. All right. And the Steelers, it's a different kind of anger. New Yorkers just fuck you anyway.
Starting point is 00:28:40 Yeah. Except for the Jets. I don't like any New Yorker team. Well, the thing is, New Yorkers don't give a shit about the Jets. I don't like any New Yorker team. Well, the thing is, New Yorkers don't give a shit about the Jets either. You fucking... They just want to cling on to winners and buy them.
Starting point is 00:28:55 You suck. Yeah. You're not supposed to eat those those are made of wax we got them from the display out front uh hey were you gonna tell that story about uh oh by the way super bowl so yeah dr mark's super bowl extravaganza produced by dr mark listen this this is going to be a small it's going to to be like the Fireside Chat with Chaley podcast. Where, yeah, it's going to be a small event. We're going to get the old school, original OG fucking football people.
Starting point is 00:29:38 If you haven't shown up for football as a Bisbee resident this year? Yeah. Maybe have your own party. So we have security. I've already contacted some people about doing security. Is this Altamont? Absolutely. Should I have talked to Dr. Mark about entertainment?
Starting point is 00:30:00 We'll figure that out. No, you don't have to do any of this. This is Dr. Mark's party. I know. I don't want you messing this up. Listen, I already rapid-cycled this where I go, okay, we could make it a – here's the thing. By the way, thank you Interrobang and the voters. I know it's just clickbait, but yes, the Digging Up Mother won the best book by a comedian on the Interrobang website, the comedy website.
Starting point is 00:30:32 Oh, great. And on audible.com, more importantly, because it's not a voting thing. Yeah, we were the seventh biggest downloaded book on audible.com for the year. Fantastic. And so, yeah. So that made me think when we made this the Dr. Mark Super Bowl extravaganza that we could make him vote like, okay, do you want Bird Cloud or Mishka Shabali? Do you want Kelly Carpenter or do you want the...
Starting point is 00:31:07 Shaylee Ukulele. No, well, Shaylee... You needed a name, so... I was trying to think of the Frytown Tufts versus the... I always confuse the two. Haymarket Squares. Oh, I love the Haymarket Squares.
Starting point is 00:31:22 Who's that other band, Trace? There's another one. We just saw a poster for him. Oh, fuck. We saw one. Oh, yeah. Anyway.
Starting point is 00:31:34 Bisbee gets really good music. I was trying to figure out how to let Dr. Mark pick. If you said, who do you want for entertainment, he'd go, Rainbow Gathering. Topo G. Joe. Dude.
Starting point is 00:31:50 But yeah, I wouldn't put that on him. We'll figure it out. Too much pressure. This is great. He's into it, too. We're going to make it a small event. Yeah. So fuck off.
Starting point is 00:32:01 This is Bingo's 40th birthday party for us. Did you want to go into the... Let's save that for tomorrow. Yelling at dinner? No, we'll do that. We'll do that tomorrow because we still have to go to the bar now. You haven't even been to the bar so maybe maybe we go to uh the bar and see if we have that way we can double up on the stories because we have two more nights but let's take a quick break while
Starting point is 00:32:34 i take a piss and then i'll come back with a few thank yous that i vaguely remember and please hold and here's a word from our new sponsor. All right, Tom, you know that I'm writing a book. I can't deal with homebody shit. But our new sponsor, BlueApron.com, and don't, I don't want you reading copy. I just want you to talk to me. Okay. I don't want you reading copy.
Starting point is 00:33:03 I just want you to talk to me. Okay. What they say they do is they send you all the ingredients, fresh ingredients, to make a meal. A different meal every meal. So you, within 40 minutes, they claim, you can make a fresh meal with the uh the recipe spelled out for you all of a sudden a bunch of ingredients come you check the mail right get the mail that's you're fucking helping me out so tremendously yeah you open this fucking thing then there's shrimp or fucking kung pao dong wong and shit and it gives you a recipe dong wong and shit the kung paoo, dong wong and shit. And it gives you a recipe. The dong wong and shit.
Starting point is 00:33:46 Dong wong and shit. The kung pao, no. The dong wong and shit. I don't want no more. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've been waiting for that fucking delivery.
Starting point is 00:33:56 So, yeah. Bingo. As she's coming out of her refresher course of life and I'm writing a book, all of a sudden you could open a fucking thing. Hey, what's for dinner? I don't know. I'm writing a book, all of a sudden you could open a fucking thing. Hey, what's for dinner? I don't know. I'm new here. That sounds like a natural.
Starting point is 00:34:10 And they would have all the shit spelled out for you. Hey, put this in a pan. It's a, they get the portions and all the things. It's unsolicited. That sounds like a great fucking idea. It actually does. Yeah. I couldn't fuck that up.
Starting point is 00:34:24 I hope. I actually does. Yeah. I couldn't fuck that up. I hope. I'm not a cook. If it's that good, I'd love to try it. And it's a different recipe every time. And you get three, three, count them.
Starting point is 00:34:38 Three. Three free meals. Free meals. They say there's no such thing as a free meal, but they never said there's no such thing as three free meals. Yeah, three free meals. If you go to blueapron.com slash Stanhope,
Starting point is 00:34:56 then you get three. Your first three meals are free, and if they suck shit, well, you cancel. Yeah. free and if they suck shit, well, you cancel. If Tom just fucks it up by putting too much spice that wasn't in the recipe, I don't know what you would do. How badly can you
Starting point is 00:35:14 fuck it up with fresh ingredients? I don't know. The recipe is a no-lose. I like it. I think both of us follow the rules way too much than when we used to back in the old telemarketing. I know. What happened to us, Douglas?
Starting point is 00:35:27 But you know what? Blue Apron is all about following the rules and following the rules. That's true. Yes. Blueapron.com. Yes. So go to blueapron.com. What?
Starting point is 00:35:40 Hang on. Let me find some bullet points, Tom. Bullet points. Yep. You have to follow the bullet points, Tom. Bullet points? Yep. You have to follow the bullet points, too. Oh, wait. Spicy shrimp and Korean rice cakes with cabbage and furikake. Furikake.
Starting point is 00:35:55 Not a bukkake. That's like bukkake. Yes, but for a... Furikake, of course. What the fuck are you... It sounds great, though. The food, not the cocky. Cocky for one.
Starting point is 00:36:07 Hey, check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash Stanhope. You will love how it feels and tastes. Feels and tastes. It feels and tastes. Sensual. I love how it feels and tastes. Feels and tastes. It feels and tastes. Sensual. I love how it feels. What do you love?
Starting point is 00:36:30 How it tastes. To create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron. So don't wait. That's blueapron.com slash Stanhope. It's affordable. There's variety. It's Stanhope it's affordable there's variety it's flexible it's easy and it's guarantee
Starting point is 00:36:51 guarantee sign me up Chef Tom Blue Apron I'm ready that actually does sound good that's no bullshit I know well that's what we do with sponsors
Starting point is 00:37:04 we've shit canned a lot of sponsors that send us samples and you go this stinks yeah this is rehearsed you say just go with it i'm giving you my honest assessment and it's just my opinion but it sounds like a winner i got the beats and yeah hopefully it's uh better than those uh quality sheets that I tried. With the thread count. Yeah. What if the threads are shitty? Yeah, these threads, they're great if you want to shave your back without a razor.
Starting point is 00:37:37 That would be good. It's a king-size loofah. Thanks, pal. So, we will try blueapron.com slash Stanhope. And if they're shit, they're going to have to suffer the consequences on air. That's it. And Chef Tom is your guide. That's it.
Starting point is 00:37:57 Nothing but honesty. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. And we'll be right back to the podcast after this. Do you need to make a will? Need to file a living trust? Or get a patent on that million dollar idea? Do you need a lawyer for any reason at all? Well, why not just hire yourself?
Starting point is 00:38:22 At foolforaclient.com we make the dream of being your own attorney spring to life. When it comes to protecting your family and your future, are you going to trust some stranger with a fancy diploma on the wall? What makes some attorney better than you?
Starting point is 00:38:38 I'm facing felony charges for DUI manslaughter. With foolforaclient.com you just download pages of confusing legal speak and fill in the blanks. It's just like Mad Libs. For almost every legal affair, don't throw away your hard-earned cash
Starting point is 00:38:54 on some stiff in a suit. Go to foolforaclient.com and show up in court in your pajamas. Thanks to foolforaclient.com, I'm not allowed in Texas anymore. That's foolforaclient.com, I'm not allowed in Texas anymore. That's foolforaclient.com with the number four because someone else has the spelled out version. All right, that was a fantastic read by me. Let's just say that right away.
Starting point is 00:39:18 I've never seen your girlfriend in jeans before and her her uh her butt yeah her thank you basket yes i didn't know basket was coming when i started with the thing oh really yeah matt beckard that whole thing yeah Yeah. Oh, that's... Go ahead. No, no. What are you going to write down? I'm going to write it down. All right.
Starting point is 00:39:49 Write it down for the next 30-minute fireside chat, because we're going to have to do a couple of these, because this is my weekend. You're going to love this one. All right. Good. Yeah. I can't wait. Tomorrow, we'll talk about this.
Starting point is 00:40:01 You have someone... A couple of thank yous. Someone sent some chocolates here's the thing bingo she rips open packages you find them hey what'd you buy it with the way no you you gotta put it in the thank you basket how about that yeah the under the shelf where you put the thank you stuff like all this shit people mail us. I'm going to say thank you for that. We'll call that the thank you basket. No, I'll call your back toilet.
Starting point is 00:40:34 I just realized Tom's the one who manages all the mail when it comes in, all the FedEx, all the UPS stuff. If you're sending something, write, Hey, Tom, somewhere on the box yeah he does he'll fucking he will that will tickle him yeah but the the other problem is he listens to the podcast so he'll he'll see it coming but i'll cut this out i'll cut this out from his version how about that send anything to tom kanopka all that fucking hundreds of bottles of vodka he's been fielding all that shit uh so yeah send anything to 212 van dyke street bisbee arizona 85603 and send it to hi
Starting point is 00:41:18 tom if you can't figure out kanopka phonetically like they would spell it in hawaii well you know what just say hi tom hi tom at 212 van dyke street bisbee arizona 85603 hey here's another thing i gotta bring up to people who don't listen to this i got like five or six comedians to go in. I thought if 10 of us going on that cave house in Bisbee at a hundred grand a piece, but I, I kind of burned out on people. I didn't ask Sal or Q. The cave house is a property.
Starting point is 00:41:55 Don't even bring it up, but I'm saying, yeah, I'm fucking serious about that. So don't talk about it. Well, I'm serious. No,
Starting point is 00:42:03 I'm just, I'm saying I'm, I, I wish comics other than burke kreischer who's in morgan murphy's in norm mcdonald is it rosanna i could get rosanna she she talked to us about it she'll be the last one but yeah if i said hey you said uh you said you you would be in on this uh she'd go, oh, yeah, all right. Remember?
Starting point is 00:42:27 Remember you said that? You'll do the radar O'Reilly. Sign here. Sign here. Sign here. What am I signing? Just sign here. Sign here.
Starting point is 00:42:33 Exactly. Roseanne, you said. You said. You promised. People could do that to me. I'll do it to Roseanne. Hey, Stanhope, you said you were going to headline four nights in Atlantic City at an urban club.
Starting point is 00:42:47 All right. Sign here. Sign here. The Jewish BET night. So, yeah, the fucking cave house. I would really want to do that. I should work more on my act and my book rather than worrying about trying to put a cabal of Bilderbergs of comedy into a cave house in Bisbee.
Starting point is 00:43:11 But that's a way more fun idea is to have our own bohemian grove of comics. And I'd even have Dane Cook in there. Just like if you had 10 comics that can all bring in their own kind of flocks. With Dane, we'd have to do a credit check. But yeah, if he okays the 100. Or Dane's brother. Let's just do Dane's brother and Norm MacDonald and Roseanne. Oh, that was cold.
Starting point is 00:43:41 Okay, so someone sent some chocolates and i i remember that because i was gonna re-gift those because bingo wasn't gonna eat chocolates because she's putting on some poundage since we've been sedentary and working on her vocal exercises doesn't really work the old abadabas to steal a howard kramer. But she just chewed through a little piece, and they're really beautiful chocolates. It has artwork on the chocolates. Like drizzled chocolate artwork? No, like actual artwork, like that picture on the wall
Starting point is 00:44:19 in this beautiful 1930s Arizona Inn with the fireplace roaring. Yeah, anyway, so Bingo... But there's chocolate with like artwork printed on it? Yeah. You get to see it. It's kind of, yeah. There's small chocolate, but Bingo... Did Bingo see it or did she just eat it? No, she just ate
Starting point is 00:44:40 a little bit to see if there's one that was caramel, like you do with... Yeah. Don't you poke a toothpick in the bottom? No, Bingo eats a little corner of it, so I was going to re-gift it to Jen. You know, she's an old spinster that lives across the street, and no one stops by, and I occasionally try to stop by with some things. I go, oh, these beautiful chocolates would be good for her. And then Bingo went, I ate a bunch of them.
Starting point is 00:45:09 And I looked down and he's like, oh, yeah, you did. You ruined a perfect re-gift. I don't want to eat any chocolate. I don't like chocolate. But I wanted to. I go, I'd buy you fucking caramel. I don't want any chocolate because I'm full of chocolate. I don't know if she's full of chocolate,
Starting point is 00:45:30 but I'm going to see if there's any fudge in that factory. All right. Four to six hours. We have a couple of thank yous to wrap this 30-minute podcast down to under an hour, a little over. Anyone wanting to buy merch, 30 minute podcast down to under an hour, a little over. Anyone wanting to buy merch and you don't see that your
Starting point is 00:45:50 country is covered in shipping, just email me at, well, let's face it, they're going to email you. But we don't have every country in there, but a guy from Spain contacted me and I added Spain as someone who we can ship to
Starting point is 00:46:08 he also has a book that he's recommending the conspiracy against the human race which i thought oh this might be up your alley but then it's a horror book so i don't know no yeah you're not into that no i don't read fiction and and I have so many books. I have a few books. I've read a lot of books trying to fan my flame to write my own book, and both shitty books and great books, nonfiction, of course. Same way when I was trying to write write comedy not so much anymore because now i'm fucking wet-brained so you don't want to watch comedy i'm afraid i have uh burt kreischer i have uh i have three pete holmes i don't even really know pete but uh w camu bell i have them all on my list dvr'd and i'm
Starting point is 00:47:03 afraid to watch them. Because I don't want to absorb that, especially now when I'm having to write both a book and a new act. So I'm terrified. I have to be absolutely fucking sober. But with the books, like reading good writing makes you want to write, and reading shitty books makes you think, all right, if that was a fucking New York Times bestseller,
Starting point is 00:47:35 I think, yeah, I don't have to judge myself too harshly. Maybe I'll day drink today. A little bit. Well, it's actually, that's the problem. I sit there and I write a lot of linear knowledge, and it's not funny until I pour whiskey on it and go back over it. All right, fuck this. That's not a reference.
Starting point is 00:47:57 There's no reference in there. Let's get hit this shit. You don't know this, but someone, Bill Burr answers some email questions at the end of his podcast sometimes. And someone asked about if he had seen the special No Place Like Home. Oh, I do know this because someone sent me a link with the time stamp. Shit, really? And said, Bill Burr said nice shit about you
Starting point is 00:48:26 and I was hungry for that so I did listen to that. The point was he had a very what he said was exactly what you said is that he recommends you like your DVDs
Starting point is 00:48:42 and your comedy but he can't listen to it because it gets in your fucking head well when we did that end of the world podcast on the election night Bert Rogan Bill Burr and every other comic that was Kreischer and Morgan Murphy and a million
Starting point is 00:48:58 but I said hey listen I don't want to bug you but did you see the Bill Burr puppet act with Sean Rouse from Junior Stopgap? No, where were we? For Lauderdale? Daytona. You know what?
Starting point is 00:49:11 That's what we have to do on the next one that we're going to do tonight or tomorrow is we have to do the 2016 recap. That's the next podcast. Jesus Christ. I know it's going to be the middle of January, but yeah, that's a fun one to do. Actually, Doug, we're now partnered with Audioboom. We're doing at least two podcasts a week from here on out. Yeah, I know, but I'm saying you and I are going to be doing two tonight
Starting point is 00:49:47 or two in the next two days. But the next one we do here, Fireside, is the Fireside recap of 2016 because there was a lot of shit that happened, even though I felt like I did nothing. So we'll do that. And we will not cross-pollinate. You write down shit you remember. I write down shit I remember.
Starting point is 00:50:13 Fuck. I almost grabbed my tour book. You can't do it. All right. This is all memory. All memory. All right. No cheating.
Starting point is 00:50:20 Can I go to email? Cheat how much? Text messages. All right. No, just go through month by month. All right, January. What happened to January? I don't even remember who won the Super Bowl last year.
Starting point is 00:50:37 I could. Oh, is that one team? You got it. All right, Tracy and Bingo, maybe they'll jump in all right javier thank you very much for the book suggestion but uh someone sent me two books i think they were apocalypse related there was something about but it was a like jim goad and even danny rollins that it was what he's a author in that remember danny rollins from that podcast we listened to? I go, he was in prison with Victor Farr, my death row.
Starting point is 00:51:10 Yeah, your man crush. Yeah, he was jacking me up to try to get him a book deal. And I'm like, tell this guy to fuck off. I still have the letters. Anyway, you sent me some compilation books of different writers. And you sent two. There's no note. And other people sent stuff. And I and you sent two. There's no note. And other people sent stuff
Starting point is 00:51:26 and I thank you very much. Listen, the fire only stays a light for so long and the bar closes at a certain hour. So thank you for enjoying this five-minute podcast.
Starting point is 00:51:43 Has it been more than five? All right. Fireside Ch chats with chaley with doug stand up on the doug stand up podcast with greg chaley and a fire click hey here's some quick thank yous as a break matt hammer jesus christ matt hammer sent like literally i think 80 pounds sent like literally I think 80 pounds even Tom Konopka had problems picking up that box Walmart fucking mixers, again, you know the shitstorm of things I'm going through trying to write a book at the table, blah, blah, blah. Thank you, Diane Conover. She sent some, well, actually, no, I realized
Starting point is 00:52:41 someone bought me a bunch of vintage Pan Am wings, memorabilia, Pan Am airlines. You have the tie clip, right? Didn't I see that? Well, there's just so much stuff here. I just run into things, but there was some Pan Am stuff. At one point, I lost my favorite Delta vintage tie clip. But people confuse that with those, you know, the plastic kid wings.
Starting point is 00:53:11 You can pin onto your shirt. Or not even pin. There's a two-way tape. So they don't hurt themselves. The vintage ones. Yeah. And you'd sit on the captain's lap. Well, those are plastic.
Starting point is 00:53:24 This was like an employee's uh there's a word for it blah blah blah thank you very much he sent me he sent me a like pan am uh zippo lighter a bunch of shit but i don't know who it is because he bought it off ebay so i'm at some point i realized I'm not gonna name the return address that Dwayne Smith sent the book that's the one I was talking about Chaley Dwayne Smith sent the book that's uh it's a 9-11 book it's about 9-11. And he put $100 in it saying, hey, can you give this to Joe?
Starting point is 00:54:10 I assume it's Joe Rogan. So Joe Rogan can talk about 9-11. What about... We don't have a Joe, but we have $100. Cave Joe. The homeless Cave Joe. I think he would have said Cave Joe if he didn't mean Joe Rogan.
Starting point is 00:54:28 Anyway, at some point we'll have some battle off for who's the drunkest, who can blow the highest alcohol content to win $100, including Chad Shank. And you know what? You know what? Tom Konopka. He's around now. He needs 100 bucks. So yeah, we'll see if we can.
Starting point is 00:54:53 Scott Perkins. Eight bottles of Absolute. The Impractical Jokers. They're overseas. And they're going to get back. Oh oh tracy i know you wrote down all those names but they've been away and sal said hey make sure you hold on to all those names i'm like uh tracy wrote them down but i don't know if we kept them we put them on periscope so next week he'll be calling judith sent some mugs and and oh fuck, what's her name,
Starting point is 00:55:27 god damn it, I'm gonna have to look it up, uh, Hillary sent Hank's hot sauce, Hillary is one of, I think, three people that reached out to me during Bingo's ordeal, where they all had friends that were in comas one more fucked than the other and all of them still fucked since bingo or as bingo is getting better they were still fucked hopefully you're all good now hillary was one i said if he's a fan i'll call him up and she said wait till he can sense reality we've all been through this but she said I'm sending Hank's hot sauce it's called Hank sauce and just google search Hank sauce uh we tried the camouflage it's fucking fantastic and I'd tell you if it sucked I'd go hey thanks Hillary keep your husband in a fucking coma and send us
Starting point is 00:56:29 something better it's fucking great and we shared it around playoff football playoffs I don't know what happened to the other cilantro one I gave the cilantro away because both Bingo and I hate cilantro
Starting point is 00:56:44 I have two of those down both Bingo and I hate cilantro. But you made sure that you gave, like I have two of those down there, the camouflage and then the Hank sauce. The hot habanero. But that cilantro's mine. I want that one when we're done. It's yours. You got it. Chaley got it. So, yeah.
Starting point is 00:57:00 Get online and get some Hank sauce. Ashley Teague Did you Oh did you open that Chaley Which one The smash thing Yeah yeah Do you see what it was
Starting point is 00:57:12 It said no No I'm sorry Here You keep talking I'll show you Just tell me Just tell me I don't want broken glass in the fucking place I dumped it all out
Starting point is 00:57:22 Oh it was a it's a drawing. A drawing that's going to go in my bathroom. It's a framed drawing where the glass is smashed out and the Chaley house is where all the not ready for prime time artwork
Starting point is 00:57:41 gets hung up on the not ready for-for-primetime walls that the Whiskey Girl and Nowhere Man painted in a place that, yeah, yeah, thank you. It's a beautiful, what is it? Describe that, Chaley. Jesus, help me out. It looks like a friendly kid version of Medusa,
Starting point is 00:58:06 like that hair all over, but then it's just different colors, different blues. Oh, shit. I didn't even bring these over. Someone sent, maybe I brought this up. Someone sent chocolates internationally. I did bring this up. Helen and John sent some shit.
Starting point is 00:58:24 You have to understand, Bingo tears stuff open and then puts it all in a pile. She doesn't care. Helen and John sent holy water that Kenny tried to use to make the Miami Dolphins beat the Steelers. It didn't work. I re-gifted the holy water to Kenny, and then someone told him, that has fecal matter in it.
Starting point is 00:58:48 He was going to do a shot to make Miami win so he could win a bet. PI from Houston. I assume that's Russ from Houston. I don't know. There's a couple. Russ from Houston. There's two dudes from Houston, Lee and Russ. I don't know who you are, but wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Starting point is 00:59:08 Let's just keep it at that. And... Oh, Anthony Decimito. It's an Austin comic from the Queer Kid from the Knocko show. The Raising Arizona comedy show. Oh, Raising Arizona. R-A-Z-I-N-G. Hmm.
Starting point is 00:59:29 Edgy. But I love that kid. I love those guys. And that's my thank you. Moving on. Click. Please hold. Oh, I didn't want to record.
Starting point is 00:59:46 I've been doing a podcast to Bingo. Well, it started out to Bingo to get her goat and now no. Do you want to do a wrap up? Oh yeah,
Starting point is 01:00:02 sure, sure. We'll do our wrap up nothing happened because we have to have one more night here last night I did that when we went to have the chef special
Starting point is 01:00:17 the chef sampler it was called and it was fucking eggplant wrapped in fucking milk cheese with chocolate sauce. Do they actually have milk cheese here? No, they don't have authentic milk cheese, but I didn't want to be the snob. Usually when I see a sampler platter, it's like seven different things that are fried. You know what?
Starting point is 01:00:45 The fucking douchebag, his name's Alan something. It's not on the... Douchebag? No, but the douchebag chef has, for $55, you can get the sampler plate from Chef Alan Simpson
Starting point is 01:01:03 or something like that. Usually your vitriol makes you remember these details. Well, first of all, no. Alan Simpson or whatever his name is at the Arizona Inn, you can find it through a Google search. Hey, Tracy, can you look at the iPad, the in-room iPad? No, no, it's not. I already tried to find the thing.
Starting point is 01:01:24 But if you google search chef at arizona in tucson the guy puts his name on it he doesn't have a reality show not yet no one knows who the fucking guy is so yeah i get a sampler plate bingo couldn't eat anything other than dessert. She's very finicky. But I was drunk. This is how drunk I was. I go, let's try new things. That's how I am right now.
Starting point is 01:01:58 Who are you and what happened to Doug Stanhope? Bingo was not trying new things at all. She was against every new thing. and I kept hollering across. I think there were like three couples in this barnyard dining room. The dining room's nice. So I would politely whisper to the waiter. I'm always polite to the staff. Hey, you know what? We're going to get the sampler plate.
Starting point is 01:02:29 You mean featured by Sam Allison? Chef Sam Allison? Double L? Yes. Double L. Sam Allison. Well, your sampler plate is shit. And I say this to the waiter.
Starting point is 01:02:44 You said that to the wait staff? You said this is shit? And I say this to the waiter. You said that to the waitstaff? You said, this is shit? No, no. That's not until the end. Oh. Sorry. No, the waiter, I tell him, he goes, well, that's a three course. Yeah, we're just going to share it.
Starting point is 01:02:59 We weren't really hungry. We wanted to go down and have drinks and maybe get something to eat. A sample of platter kind kind of implies you could kind of pick through it but when it says a sampler platter by chef alan or allison sam allison all i said al simpson or something, whatever. I was close. Anyway, for $55 for I don't know what it is. All right, we'll do that. So we just did it to say what the fuck. I'm guessing it's not potato skins. And they said it's three courses.
Starting point is 01:03:38 I go, listen, we're just doing this for the fuck of it. We're probably not going to eat this. We're just doing this for the fuck of it. We're probably not going to eat this. But speed up the courses because we're there for a drink and we got the thing. So then as he's walking across, we're at the far end. When he gets to the cross corner entrance to the kitchen, I go, can you hurry it up? My girlfriend is terminally ill
Starting point is 01:04:06 in a in a restaurant setting that looks like a an english library i mean it is subdued lighting plus chairs where like even if you if you scooted your chair back on the carpet and it made a noise people would turn around and you're yelling hurry up she's terminally ill yeah and there made a noise, people would turn around, and you're yelling, hurry up, she's terminally ill. Yeah, and there's a couple of gals at the table closest to us, next to us, I'll say, and at some point they left. I like to think it was because of us. They go, see you gals at karaoke! And then right back to quiet.
Starting point is 01:04:43 Let it settle. Like it's Tourette's. Yeah. Oh, that guy's an obnoxious asshole. Well, he hasn't said anything for 10 minutes. He has an affliction. Yeah, maybe he just has these outbursts. We're right next to the hospital.
Starting point is 01:05:03 Come on, Janet. Don't cause a scene. Gay Lord Perry was the best pitcher for the Oakland A's in the 70s. Fuck you. And obviously he's a sports fan because he's right. And then you over tip. Yeah. Yeah, we were leaving after you left the bar.
Starting point is 01:05:24 Obviously, he knew we were done. And he came by with – Ron came by with a whole other glass of wine and put it in front of Tracy. He goes, I hate throwing out a bottle. With like just a little left. And it was a whole other thing. I go, hey, Tracy, you know what the beauty of being a customer is? I can overpour in one glass ron can't and i just i made this like this glass that would like get you fired if you gave it
Starting point is 01:05:51 that's yeah it's good they were good deliver it with a pail or yeah i told bingo why you were late getting here i said he said uh he had to give Tracy a pail. Oh, this morning. When you called in the morning and I said we'll be there but it's going to be late. Tracy needs a pail. She asked for a pail. Bingo didn't get it. I said
Starting point is 01:06:17 I mean she needs a bucket and then bucket sold it. Pail. She was thinking a whiter shade of pale. Whiter shade of pale? Yeah, she was thinking Brokel harem. We tripped a lot, fantastic. Fandango.
Starting point is 01:06:34 Fandango, sorry. All right, well, let's close on that because I don't know why we're- Finish your story. I was podcasting all alone in this room by the fire by myself without turning the recorder on. Yeah. While bingo was, uh,
Starting point is 01:06:50 going into a restless sleep, waking up, talking to me, like, like shaking and stuff. No, she was trying to talk back at me and I was, I was pod.
Starting point is 01:07:01 I was pretending to podcast to upset her. That's such a weird thing. All right. Oh, like that, what she's doing right there? Yeah, she's speaking in tongues. The girl drank fucking 18 drinks in four minutes. Yeah. Bingo's back.
Starting point is 01:07:21 Yeah. Yeah. And then eventually she she shut down fell asleep and I continued in front of the fireplace to podcast without it recording as you're fine I don't have to listen to this I my friends don't listen to this podcast we could have a
Starting point is 01:07:45 god damn cave house the drink that I spilled all over Tracy's chest that was a gentleman's gin and tonic here at the Arizona Inn I drank a bunch of it spilled some of it on Tracy's chest and then I
Starting point is 01:08:02 asked Ron our bartender hey I'm going to go back to the room can I get a rocks glass? And I poured what ended up being a complete drink after I had already drank it and spilled it on Tracy. I still had a complete drink all the way to the top of a rocks glass.
Starting point is 01:08:17 Well, I brought Bingo back to the room after we did the beginning of this podcast, evidently. And Bingo was just retardedly drunk to celebrate the neurologist who said, your brain function is perfect. So now she's still muttering things. It's funny because she's reacting to what you're saying,
Starting point is 01:08:43 but it's incomprehensible. I know, but we don't have the equipment to bring a microphone over and lay it in front of her. I'll get a wireless lav mic for next time. So I walk her back, and she goes to bed. From the bar tonight. Yeah, from the bar to the room, and then I go back to check on the Chaley's,
Starting point is 01:09:05 assuming they're having more fun than anyone can have. And there's only four stools at the bar. Perfect, isn't it? So I get back there, and you have the same two stools, and the two stools that Bingo and I had evacuated. Did I just say evacuated stool? Anyway. had evacuated did i just say evacuated stool anyway those two stools are insert fart sound here yes the trailies are both so deep in their phones that i come up to stool number three that i had left open it's open and i start texting at them and you're trailey trailey tracy and chaley
Starting point is 01:09:51 she's going oh stanhope just texted me something vulgar he wanted to i don't know what i but i want come home and fuck me come on fuck me you home and fuck me. You're my bitch. But like everything misspelled. Because I forgot my reading glasses back at the room. But then my phone buzzed and it says, I'm next to you. And then because I was. She's in the middle. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:10:22 She still has no idea that I'm texting from literally. Well, no one can hear you text. I mean, to be fair, it's not like you're It's a four seat bar. I know. You're not hammering into stone with a text. If someone walks up to me next at a four seat bar, I notice someone's there.
Starting point is 01:10:37 This is an empty place. It's an antiquated, old fucking 1930s speakeasy hotel resort. When I got the message that you were standing next to me, of course, I looked the wrong way first, which there's no stools on my right. I looked to the left over Tracy, and I see you there, and then I immediately kind of like kind of corralled her towards me because I wanted to keep playing it up. Yeah, I'm going to fuck with Tracy next. I give you the eye contact.
Starting point is 01:11:09 Well, you give me the eye. And then you overplay it by going, hey, baby, give me a hug. Look directly in my eyes. Hey, I'm going to jack off. I'll pull down my pants. All right, you didn't actually go that far. You're my bitch. Come back to the room and fuck me.
Starting point is 01:11:22 actually go that far. You're my bitch. Come back to the room and fuck me. You tried to pull her into you to make eye contact and you spilled your drink all over her giant tits. Who shows a fucking $14 gin and tonic in a fucking high stemmed glass? Come on, guys.
Starting point is 01:11:38 I don't know. Put it in a pint. They should have put it in a pint. This is supposed to be a 30 minute podcast. Smell your shirt. I'll tell you it's my drink. That's a gin and tonic. Hey, remember, this is 2017. Yeah. So tomorrow when we do the next podcast, which is a recap of 2016.
Starting point is 01:11:58 It'll be 2018. Do not repeat this story because it is not 2016. We're going to have to go back and repeat that. And we're going to regroup and figure out what the fuck happened last year because that was probably the drunkest year of my life. Really?
Starting point is 01:12:16 Oh my God. Good to know. You know, I'm like trying to like replay things. I know we went... Oh, let's save it for the podcast next time. I'll take my notes and go over them. Yeah. Okay, let's play...
Starting point is 01:12:35 Cut it out and play Easy Peasy. Easy Peasy. Oh, that's the next new band of 2018. All right. Let's do some Bird Cloud. Bird Cloud, yes. I love Bird Cloud. I was going to call.
Starting point is 01:12:58 Wrap it up. Maybe I did. Maybe I did give. I think I might have drunked out Bird Cloud in the last few days. Because I have Bird Cloud on my phone. But Bird Cloud has two gals. You did. I did drunk dial him.
Starting point is 01:13:12 I've got Bird Cloud in my mind. Well, I don't know who it is, so I just say, hey, Bird Cloud. I know you're two separate ladies, but we love you both equally. And so if I leave you a drunk message, it's for both of you. And I don't know whose phone that is. It's just Bird Cloud in my phone. It's almost exactly what you said. All right.
Starting point is 01:13:31 Well, if I called, if Tracy's right and I did drunk tell you, Bird Cloud, I meant it. I love you both equally and beautifully and peacefully. And here's some Bird Cloud. Hey, listen to yourselves. Honey, I'm in a state Don't get some more You know I do it myself
Starting point is 01:14:03 But I can't stand up. I decide when it's quitting time. The sun is wrong. You know I pull the blinds But I can't stand up Yeah, I do it myself But I can't stand up What you got against me
Starting point is 01:14:41 Having myself a time? I can't stand up, I can't stand up, I'm fine. I said, what you got against me having myself a time? I can't stand up, I can't stand up, baby. I can't stand up. I'm fine. Don't tell me I'm unreasonable. One more again. I whoop your ass
Starting point is 01:15:25 but I can't stand up Yeah, I do it myself but I can't stand up What you got against me having myself a time I can't stand up I can't stand up. I can't stand up.
Starting point is 01:15:48 I'm fine. I said, what you got against me? Having myself a time. I can't stand up. I can't stand up. I'm fine. One more again. One more again.
Starting point is 01:16:15 One more again. One more again. One more again. One more again. One more again, one more again One more again, one more again One more again, one more again One more again, one more again

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