The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #187: Fireside Chat at the Arizona Inn
Episode Date: January 10, 2017This episode sponsored by BlueApron.com. Get you first 3 meals for FREE by signing up at BlueApron.com/STANHOPE (#blueapron)Doug invites Chaille out to the Arizona Inn to have a little fireside chat....A continued thanks to Sal from the Impractical Jokers (@truTVjokers) for having all the vodka sent to the FunHouse. We are still receiving boxes.Recorded Jan. 06, 2017 fireside at the Arizona Inn in Tucson, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Special appearance by Tom Konopka (@realTomKonopka). Produced & Edited by Chaille.LINKS:- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast
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Here at the Arizona Inn, just one-third of a mile from UMC, where Bingo was airlifted after her accident,
sits the Arizona Inn where Chaley and I are doing fireside chat with Chaley.
are doing fireside chat with Chaley.
Your host, Doug Stanhope.
Just your voice is making me want to lay back,
like sit back in this chair. Well, sitting here in front of the fireplace
at the Circa 1930 Arizona Inn,
which during the day feels like Bushwood.
Bushwood, that's the
country club from
Caddyshack.
There's no betting
at Bushwood.
That's how it felt,
because Bingo and I, Bingo had
to come up for her
last CAT scan
read. She got the cat scan had to come up to talk
to the neurologist to find out how her brain is they did you know a couple when she first landed
two months ago and then all right how's it how's it progressed so uh so we came up here and we stayed at the arizona inn we we had a two hour drive from bisbee so it was an early morning appointment we came up a day early
so we didn't have to drive early in the morning when i might still be drunk
and those fucking weird headlights on the mada. Fuck you, Jim Click.
It was Jim Click, right?
Oh, I can take care of that tomorrow.
Oh, shit, it's Saturday.
All right.
It doesn't matter.
I have a plan for this, you and me.
All right.
Anyway.
The headlights or life?
The headlights.
Okay.
So instead of the Aloft,
because we stayed there last week when we came up
and said hi to our old friends, the bartenders,
I go, well, check this place out.
It turns out I actually stayed in this fucking place
in 2000 and whatever it was,
four, three, Girls Gone Wild.
Yeah, they put me up here.
I was very pissed,
because after a long night of annoying women we stayed here and there's no it's like on a dead street there's no bars
maybe that that's what girls gone wild wanted a place where a girl could scream
no one will hear the rapey inn there's no fucking the bar closes at 12 we're here at two i get what
the fuck there's no mini bar what the fuck but it is beautiful it's quite a spread it is it's kind
of like uh the shining meets uh midnight in the garden of good and Evil meets Caddyshack.
Meets Boutique Hotel.
Because there's a fucking,
they give you an iPad or a tablet,
but then they also have a fireplace.
And they have a fucking 19-inch flat screen on the wall.
That you can't see from the TV.
Or from the bed.
You can't see it from the bed.
That's where we're going to watch the Oakland Raiders
fail horrifically tomorrow.
I'm rooting for them.
Love the Raiders.
Hate their fans.
We like Jeff.
Yeah, they have – actually, I'm a fan of the Raiders,
but the fucking gangbangers when they moved to L.A. adopted them.
And, yeah, it's ruined the Raiders since.
That's Becker's team, the Raiders.
I know.
Well, he's old like me.
I respect, and Jeff too, our neighbor Jeff.
If you remember the old Oakland Raiders,
they were my first team where I knew every player from Fred Belitnikoff,
number 25 was my favorite player
of all time still is gene upshaw fucking art shell dave casper don't make me go on i'm trying
to figure out how to make you stop nick so yeah so we uh we we checked in here randomly. I thought, this might be nice.
Bingo night.
Like, kind of a, it's a nice, quiet vibe.
I didn't remember I had stayed here until I got here.
You didn't plan on it?
No, I was on a fucking Expedia.
I shouldn't even plug those cocksuckers.
Fuck you.
But I used them.
Come on.
And we sat down outside the restaurant patio outdoors.
Nice weather.
Let's have a noontime drink. I should be writing my book, but Bingo suggested a noontime drink.
And I said, well, if Bingo asked, who am I to say
no?
So Bingo's drinking now?
Yeah, I mean, not heavily. She hasn't.
A cocktail?
It's been years since she drank heavily.
Remember when she quit drinking
because she was drinking too much?
And that was like, fucking, what,
five, eight years ago?
I can't tell anymore.
There was a tour where she didn't drink.
How come she didn't fucking drive?
I mean, that was really,
that really would have been the smarter thing to do
because I was drinking on the tour back then.
We sat down at noontime,
and this is beautiful,
like luxurious estate.
There's lots of paths,
and you have to walk 15 miles to the pool,
but there's beautiful things along the way
and gardens and shit.
It doesn't matter what's on the other side of the wall.
You are in an area that is like a bubble.
Right.
Yeah.
It's a compound.
It's a fucking compound.
If it had the right people, it would's a compound yeah compound if it had the right people it would be a compound
if there was not fucking ted knight sitting out there talking about trump really loud right next
to us there's two we're in between two tables of some bean counter guy like everyone here
is a wicked republican golfer at least two guys are having this wicked loud old man conversation about Trump.
And he's really still, and I don't like Trump myself.
I mean, I just hated Hillary.
I voted because I hated Hillary.
And these conversations are still going on.
And I know Bingo doesn't want to hear it.
I'm like, let's take these drinks back to the room.
We only get a drink at the bar so we'd get the glass.
Oh, that's right.
That's why I'm drinking out of a coffee mug.
Because you only had one drink at the bar last night.
No, no.
The other clean cups are in the bathroom on top of the toilet tank.
I washed the ones we had from last night.
In the toilet?
On the toilet tank on top of a towel where I did dishes.
I tried to make the place pleasant for you.
I called Shaley up last night because we get up here at night early,
and it was beautiful.
They get a ping pong table that you would think they have tournaments for.
They got croquet.
They have tennis courts.
So I called Chaley.
I go, hey, we might stay a couple extra days
because fuck it, I don't need to be at football at my house.
It just causes me anxiety.
You called me at 8 in the morning on a Friday morning after we were out late last night.
Because we had to get up early for the doctor's appointment.
And that's when I thought maybe we should stay.
Half of the reason being I might still be too drunk to drive.
So maybe we'll stay.
But the weather's going to get better, so maybe we stay two days.
Fuck football.
We'll get back in time for the Packers on Sunday,
and that's the only –
What's Andrew and Bingo's meds.
This is a podcast.
This isn't a conversation.
I know it doesn't sound entertaining even to the listener.
So, yeah, I called Chaley.
Hey, do you want to come up to tucson for a vaguely a
vacation yeah so yeah we we rented this place out for two more days and now we have i moved from
that other room to a room with two beds and a fireplace because the chalice have two rules on a waycations yep and that's uh don't put four of
us in a queen-size bed and make sure you have a goddamn fireplace so we can do fireside chats
with chaley chaley i'm gonna turn the conversation to you now. You do this all the time.
It's the Doug Stanhope podcast.
But this is the fireside chats with Chaley.
30 minutes.
Oh, no, no.
I got some stuff to say.
Oh, you have some?
Oh, yeah.
I was going to lead you into Hedberg stories you never want to tell.
Because I'm trying to write a fucking book that no one, even though I
obviously none of my friends
from fucking 20 years ago or
15 years ago or even 5 years
ago listen to the podcast
because no one's sending me fucking stories
that make me go, oh fuck, I forgot
about that. Well, there's one living at your
house. He's in
the last book.
Oh, by the way, Tom kanopka today before i left
i go hey hey you ready to go let's uh he was giving me a ride to go uh pick up the crv yeah
the the vehicle that we had repaired and uh i mean and then we're getting ready to come up here and
everything so it's kind of a tight thing and he goes like hey uh shaley come in here for a second
i saw tom's pictures.
Yeah, I got pictures.
I got pictures.
I'll show you sometime.
I'll show you sometime.
Today was a day.
He brought out a couple.
Oh, his bed was full of pictures.
They're fucking great, man.
I mean, he's got pictures with him watching Sugar Ray Leonard work out.
They put stands up and people will watch him.
Oh, fuck yeah.
They set this whole parquet floor up so he could shimmy across the floor.
You don't know this, but boxing used to be a sport before the UFC.
Are you talking about wrestling?
People would watch it.
You're talking about wrestling.
No.
Boxing?
Boxing was as big as roller derby or candle pin bowling.
Hold on.
Boxing.
You mean Boxing Day, the day after Christmas?
No, no.
That's Canadian.
They've never had boxing.
They don't even fight.
I'm talking about in America, punching people in the face without having any other skills like ground
game grappling taekwondo jujitsu yeah that was just hitting each other in the face repeatedly
with big stupid cartoony gloves remember those uh slippers we sent bingo in the insane asylum
that were so cute. Clownish.
Yeah.
They were like big Charlie Brown, but they were oversized.
So they'd put these giant gloves.
Did you ever see a man fight a kangaroo in a circus?
That was a sport.
Yeah.
Back before the UFC turned people into civilized human beings i don't know where
i'm going with this my uncle wrestled an oiled orangutan in vietnam you're not lying
you don't have the chops to lie that my uncle didn't talk a lot about Vietnam. And my first question was, like, did you win?
And he said, son, when that thing put a hand on me, I knew how powerful it was.
That orangutan could have fucking snapped his neck.
that orangutan could have fucking snapped his neck.
And it was only for fear of the handler who probably,
I imagine him with a whip and missing a tooth. That is the best PTSD Vietnam story.
When he leans into you trembling and the sweat is starting to form on his brow when you're asking him about
how vietnam really was and he said son when that orangutan put its hand on me
i knew how strong it was and then mother pulled you away son son come have some more biscuits and gravy uncle bob doesn't want to talk anymore uncle
he uh he said that uh it was in a clearly it was in a bar uh and it was in and my uncle i mean he's
he's scrappy right and uh he not orangutan not orangutan. He's got some moves.
When he – when it was a thing where everyone was like, Naya, come on.
You'll do it.
Come on.
And they get him to do it.
But then they bring out the orangutan, which has been now oiled.
They oiled it down.
And he's like, what the fuck is this?
He grabbed it.
And I just imagine it like slipping and hitting the ceiling. Like he does a bear hold on it and it just imagined it like slipping like and hitting the ceiling like he
he does a bear hold on it and it just slips right out of his hand and then is the orangutan that's
the the orangutan is the one that's it's got the big bulbous ass that's a baboon baboon yeah okay
that's a different bar oh orangutan okay that's orangutan is the... Every which way but loose.
Clint Eastwood.
Right turn, Clyde.
Gotcha.
Yeah, so, yeah, he lost.
Jeez, you know, those were the days when you could oil an orangutan.
You know, an orangutan...
Without it being sexual harassment.
An orangutan almost choked me.
I actually have an orangutan story.
We were at the Tropicana.
This is not in your notes, I'm guessing.
No, I'm not to the notes yet.
Remember that guy who beat the shit out of the apes at a show in Vegas?
Billy or Bobby or something.
He had a whole...
Oh.
He was the guy.
And then they got video footage of him smacking backstage.
Siegfried and Roy...
Give up the marshmallow!
Siegfried and Roy got eaten.
Like, all right, the animals are getting their revenge.
It was that kind of thing.
All right, this Vegas act beat his animals,
so now the tigers are going to attack their fucking god. This guy guy did all he only worked with the orangutans and something else
like i think he had a chimp or something but then uh in uh one of the breezeways at the
tropicana my brother and i are walking down there and there's like this like uh it was almost like
a budweiser point of sale like a like a big thing. And it was him with the orangutan and a photographer.
And you get your picture taken.
And so my brother and I, my twin brother and I, were sitting there.
And I've got long hair.
And my brother's just like shorn, right?
This orangutan, like long hair, he put his arm around me and then started to choke me.
He put his arm around me and then started to choke me.
And the trainer went over and with no – serious as a fucking heart attack,
ripped that arm from around my neck.
And it's like, that's it. We're done.
And closed the fucking thing down.
And my brother's like, I think that was way more serious than we actually think it was.
That's the weirdest way to bond with your uncle.
Now I know what you meant, Uncle Bob.
I'll never know what the NAMM was like, but the strength of an aramitang.
That's what I told you, buddy.
The strength of an aramitan yeah hey there's a va bottle out there
can you open the door and grab it sometimes when i get like a thousand yard stare
tracy will just look at me and go you think about the aramitan
and i'll go just give me a moment i do that to bingo all the time because
the on the man show uh i fought uh tanya harding who was supposed to be a she's getting into
professional boxing she by the way side note she's the only one who has actually pinned an aramitane
note, she's the only one who has actually pinned an aramitane.
But I have the gloves
hanging up. She would not autograph
the boxing gloves
because she said, oh no, people are
just going to sell this on eBay.
Yeah, that's what you do with
signatures. I was so nice to her
when I shouldn't have been.
No, I'm glad I was nice to her
because she was so feral at that point.
But eventually, Jake LaMotta, we met him,
and I had him sign the boxing gloves that Tonya Harding refused to sign.
So they hang up above the – right where we do it.
Right where I –
Loser's Corner.
Right above me, yeah.
Above you when we do the podcast in the Funhouse,
and they're signed by Jake LaMotta.
But ever since I've had those hanging up,
I'll occasionally say to Bingo,
baby, I got to get back in the ring.
It's all I know.
It's all I know.
It's fighting.
It was one fight I took a dive,
and I got to redeem myself.
And bingo.
Who is now, by the way,
we keep talking about,
she had her final CAT scan.
Yeah, full brain function.
Wow.
And the guy jokingly said,
so as far as what I do,
just neurosurgery,
her vocal cords are still fucked
and that's ENT. But he goes, so as far as what i do just neurosurgery her vocal cords are still fucked and that's ent but uh he
goes so for as far as what i do she's cured and i go can she do other stuff like they said
she might be months before she can drive and like the dishes oh i said can she drive because the
early on when she's you know it might be months she can't even drive
because they gave us this whole exposition.
And he said, she can drive unless there's some reason
that you think you can't drive.
And I said, well, she is a woman.
Even Bingo laughed.
Bingo, not only is her brain
back, her laugh is back,
she just still doesn't really want to talk
to anyone because she can't really talk well
because her vocal cords are fucked up
by getting better day by day.
She can talk, she just doesn't want to talk to you.
How about that, motherfucker?
Put that in your hat. And smoke
it. You don't really smoke out in your hat. And smoke it.
You don't really smoke out of a hat. I did notice, Bingo, your guitar was out up at Hazard.
Are you still playing a little bit?
Playing every day.
Okay, good.
I was going to say, just because your voice isn't there.
I can't sing, but I'm playing every day.
Good.
That's part of your recovery.
Playing every day. Good. That's part of your recovery. Playing every day.
Fuck.
What's in your notes?
Go ahead.
We're over 30 minutes, I'm sure.
Tom, by the way,
we got in this because of Tom.
He did show me,
he has a lot of stories,
so those are coming.
He has pictures to back up some of these stories that he hasn't even talked
to us about so these are
things that are going to come up in the future
so I get tweets and I get messages from people
they love the Tom Konopka podcast
stories and those are
on the way and by the way
we got pictures
I'll show you sometime
I see Tom usually in the morning because I have fucking two months to finish a book that I'm five days in.
I'm smoking in here.
Yeah, I'm smoking in here.
Hold it.
I'm just – imagine that falling on this ancient carpet.
Don't worry.
I'm not –
Clark Gable fucked a centerfold on this carpet, so it'll probably go up pretty quick.
Just reminded me of what's-his-name's joke, that short fella.
Marty Feldman?
I don't know.
Anyway, Tom Konopka.
Yeah, I haven't really talked to him,
because since we got back,
it's either been us over there for football or me at home with Bingo
trying to write a book.
So, yeah, he's taking care of the place.
He's doing great.
But we have not really sat down and talked a lot one-on-one.
Let me tell you how great tom kanopka is
caretaking the place we had that same the same kind of discussion today he stays out of your way
because he is a gentleman and he knows if you want to talk or if you want to go get breakfast
or something like that he will find you because
he knows you're dealing with with a lot of things with the book and uh taking care of bingo and
things like that he's he is just he is part of the landscape now and unless also something i know
that people are staying out of his way and he wants to get comfortable on his own
i don't even want to go over to the house
because i don't want to interrupt him like get your fucking like he's great at socializing he's
a great he's awesome he's great at meeting people he's everything i'm not so yeah i know he's
building his shit i'm taking care of my shit. And eventually, he'll show me pictures.
The problem is, in the morning, when I have no social skills at all,
that's when he wants to show me pictures.
One day, when I'm drinking, we're alone.
We're social time.
Right now, I just got to figure out. Fuck.
God damn it.
I have soy sauces at the other house, and I'm already cooking the thing.
Don't show me pictures right now because there's chicken burning on the stove at the other house,
and I got to go back over there.
Yeah.
Literally, three photos, three separate photos are like, you have to tell that story on the podcast yeah i'll do it i'll do it then shows me a couple more and then dude that's a good one you gotta do
so they're coming well they're great and they're great he's very passionate about the other thing
is this save it for the podcast thing where like the mob guy that he was involved with he still has
the newspaper cut out.
And I'm like, don't show me this now
because if you show it to me now when I'm distracted
and I'm just trying to get the mail or whatever,
I'll forget and you won't show me again
because in your head, you'll think I already showed it to him.
Just save it.
Most of the pictures had a guy in the photo
that had a funny nickname.
So those photos are coming.
Or those stories are coming.
Yeah, it was fucking great.
Konopka will never get a nickname because his last name is so perfect.
Yeah.
It's just Konopka.
Yeah.
Well, we got the – what were we calling him the other day?
Too late, Tom?
Oh, he called me Downhill Doug
Downhill Doug, yeah
We were at a dinner party last night
Yeah
At Uphill Dave's house
And he called me Downhill Doug
Was that him or you?
I don't know, I was drunk
Dave called you that
But we did an adult event last night And that's why we got so drunk downhill Doug. Was that him or you? I don't know. I was drunk. Dave called you that.
We did an adult event last night,
and that's why we got so drunk.
You had to go to an actual dinner party with actual people.
That's nervous.
They're not sober people.
No, no, no. We had a great time.
We're used to just being in the compound.
We're not used to being around people
in a situation
where it's not our home turf.
Yeah, we only play home field advantage.
It's like the Yankees playing every game at
home. Guess what? They'd win way more.
So, it was weird.
But as soon as we got there,
so very nice.
Great food, great time. And we took Tom with us,
which was awesome.
Yeah, we had a good time.
And that's when they called you.
Jack Whetstone owns the big fucking schoolhouse kitty corner.
Jack Whetstone.
Anyway, I'll figure that out.
But we crashed that lady's house.
I thought it was two ladies that owned that place,
but he said he ran into Jack Whetstone ran for mayor against Betty when she ran for mayor.
And the third guy that became the mayor,
whose name escapes me, years ago.
Anyway, Super Bowl.
Super Bowl this year.
People email me still going, hey, I want to come to the Super Bowl party.
And I go, what party?
I don't even know.
We won't probably watch the super bowl this year is the uh
it's not the super bowl party this year it's the dr mark's dr mark presents the dr mark
super bowl party starring dr mark He's the guy.
He's a friend of ours.
I met him when we did the trade-out for my first hernia surgery.
He was part of that?
Yeah, that's how I put it on my website.
I go,
Betty says my umbilical hernia
could become necrotizing.
No, I thought that was Kimberly that said that.
No, she might have seconded the opinion.
Oh, yeah.
She was like, someone else said it,
and you're like, okay, that's two people.
So, yeah, I put it up on the website.
Betty said, and I go, so if there's any doctors out there,
I'll trade you
a free t-shirt
and a CD
for umbilical
hernia surgery
fair trade
yeah
got it
and they've been
friends ever since
and
did my other hernia
and
did
bingo's vagina
and
so yeah
he was there
the trifecta
yeah it was a couple they were anesthesiologists no longer
a couple but both beautiful people still professionals so uh yeah dr bazell was there
when the helicopter landed with bingo life flighted in put his nose where it could have
got him in trouble professionally and followed the whole thing, fact-checked everything,
made sure everything was good.
Without him and her dad getting her off the feeding tube
with his weird science.
So he was there today, works at the hospital where she got the final okay
that her brain is good, and we had a celebratory cocktail, and there's no way to thank him.
So this year's Super Bowl is Dr. Marks presents the Dr. Marks Super Bowl party
at Dr. Marks Fun House starring Dr. Mark with Dr. Mark in attendance,
and it's going to be a celebration of Dr. Marks.
So I don't even give a shit.
If worst case scenario,
it's the fucking Giants against Pittsburgh,
which then we'll just watch old movies from the 40s.
You keep hanging on to the fucking Giants.
What's your problem?
They're the fucking...
They're at least tied for the worst team with the Steelers as far as who cares, get the fuck out.
Playoffs.
Fuck off.
No one cares about you.
All right.
And the Steelers, it's a different kind of anger.
New Yorkers just fuck you anyway.
Yeah.
Except for the Jets.
I don't like any New Yorker team.
Well, the thing is, New Yorkers don't give a shit about the Jets. I don't like any New Yorker team. Well, the thing is, New Yorkers
don't give a shit about the Jets either.
You fucking...
They just want to cling on
to winners and buy them.
You suck.
Yeah.
You're not supposed to eat those those are made of wax
we got them from the display out front uh hey were you gonna tell that story about uh
oh by the way super bowl so yeah dr mark's super bowl extravaganza produced by dr mark listen this
this is going to be a small it's going to to be like the Fireside Chat with Chaley podcast.
Where, yeah, it's going to be a small event.
We're going to get the old school, original OG fucking football people.
If you haven't shown up for football as a Bisbee resident this year? Yeah. Maybe have your own party.
So we have security.
I've already contacted some people
about doing security.
Is this
Altamont?
Absolutely. Should I have talked to
Dr. Mark about entertainment?
We'll figure that out.
No, you don't have to do any
of this. This is Dr. Mark's party.
I know.
I don't want you messing this up.
Listen, I already rapid-cycled this where I go, okay, we could make it a – here's the thing.
By the way, thank you Interrobang and the voters.
I know it's just clickbait, but yes, the Digging Up Mother won the best book by a comedian on the Interrobang website, the comedy website.
Oh, great.
And on audible.com, more importantly, because it's not a voting thing.
Yeah, we were the seventh biggest downloaded book on audible.com for the year.
Fantastic. And so, yeah.
So that made me think when we made this the Dr. Mark Super Bowl extravaganza
that we could make him vote like, okay, do you want Bird Cloud or Mishka Shabali?
Do you want Kelly Carpenter
or do you want the...
Shaylee Ukulele.
No, well, Shaylee...
You needed a name, so...
I was trying to think of the Frytown Tufts
versus the...
I always confuse the two.
Haymarket Squares.
Oh, I love the Haymarket Squares.
Who's that other band, Trace?
There's another one.
We just saw
a poster for him.
Oh, fuck.
We saw one.
Oh, yeah.
Anyway.
Bisbee gets really good music.
I was trying to figure out how to
let Dr. Mark pick.
If you said, who do you want for
entertainment, he'd go,
Rainbow Gathering.
Topo G. Joe.
Dude.
But yeah, I wouldn't put that on him.
We'll figure it out.
Too much pressure.
This is great.
He's into it, too.
We're going to make it a small event.
Yeah.
So fuck off.
This is Bingo's 40th birthday party for us.
Did you want to go into the...
Let's save that for tomorrow.
Yelling at dinner?
No, we'll do that.
We'll do that tomorrow because we still have to go to the bar now.
You haven't even been to the bar so maybe maybe we go to uh the bar and see if we have that way
we can double up on the stories because we have two more nights but let's take a quick break while
i take a piss and then i'll come back with a few thank yous that i vaguely remember
and please hold and here's a word from our new sponsor.
All right, Tom, you know that I'm writing a book.
I can't deal with homebody shit.
But our new sponsor, BlueApron.com,
and don't, I don't want you reading copy.
I just want you to talk to me. Okay.
I don't want you reading copy.
I just want you to talk to me.
Okay. What they say they do is they send you all the ingredients, fresh ingredients, to make a meal.
A different meal every meal.
So you, within 40 minutes, they claim, you can make a fresh meal with the uh the recipe spelled out for you all of a sudden a bunch
of ingredients come you check the mail right get the mail that's you're fucking helping me out
so tremendously yeah you open this fucking thing then there's shrimp or fucking kung pao dong wong
and shit and it gives you a recipe dong wong and shit the kung paoo, dong wong and shit. And it gives you a recipe.
The dong wong and shit.
Dong wong and shit.
The kung pao, no.
The dong wong and shit.
I don't want no more.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've been waiting for that fucking delivery.
So, yeah.
Bingo.
As she's coming out of her refresher course of life and I'm writing a book, all of a sudden
you could open a fucking thing. Hey, what's for dinner? I don't know. I'm writing a book, all of a sudden you could open a fucking thing.
Hey, what's for dinner?
I don't know.
I'm new here.
That sounds like a natural.
And they would have all the shit spelled out for you.
Hey, put this in a pan.
It's a, they get the portions and all the things.
It's unsolicited.
That sounds like a great fucking idea.
It actually does.
Yeah.
I couldn't fuck that up.
I hope. I actually does. Yeah. I couldn't fuck that up.
I hope.
I'm not a cook.
If it's that good,
I'd love to try it.
And it's a different recipe every time.
And you get three,
three, count them.
Three.
Three free meals.
Free meals.
They say there's no such thing
as a free meal,
but they never said there's no such thing as three free meals.
Yeah, three free meals.
If you go to blueapron.com slash Stanhope,
then you get three.
Your first three meals are free,
and if they suck shit, well, you cancel.
Yeah. free and if they suck shit, well, you cancel. If Tom
just fucks it up
by putting too much
spice that wasn't in the recipe,
I don't know what you would do. How badly can you
fuck it up with fresh ingredients? I don't know.
The recipe is a no-lose.
I like it. I think
both of us follow the rules way
too much than when we used to back in the
old telemarketing.
I know.
What happened to us, Douglas?
But you know what?
Blue Apron is all about following the rules and following the rules.
That's true.
Yes.
Blueapron.com.
Yes.
So go to blueapron.com.
What?
Hang on.
Let me find some bullet points, Tom.
Bullet points. Yep. You have to follow the bullet points, Tom. Bullet points?
Yep.
You have to follow the bullet points, too.
Oh, wait.
Spicy shrimp and Korean rice cakes with cabbage and furikake.
Furikake.
Not a bukkake.
That's like bukkake.
Yes, but for a...
Furikake, of course.
What the fuck are you...
It sounds great, though.
The food, not the cocky.
Cocky for one.
Hey, check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping
by going to blueapron.com slash Stanhope.
You will love how it feels and tastes.
Feels and tastes. It feels and tastes. Sensual. I love how it feels and tastes. Feels and tastes.
It feels and tastes.
Sensual.
I love how it feels.
What do you love?
How it tastes.
To create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron.
So don't wait.
That's blueapron.com slash Stanhope.
It's affordable.
There's variety. It's Stanhope it's affordable there's variety it's flexible
it's easy and it's
guarantee
guarantee
sign me up
Chef Tom
Blue Apron
I'm ready
that actually does sound good
that's no bullshit
I know well that's what we do with sponsors
we've shit canned a lot of sponsors that send us samples and you go
this stinks yeah this is rehearsed you say just go with it i'm giving you my honest assessment
and it's just my opinion but it sounds like a winner i got the beats and yeah hopefully it's
uh better than those uh quality sheets that I tried.
With the thread count.
Yeah.
What if the threads are shitty?
Yeah, these threads, they're great if you want to shave your back without a razor.
That would be good.
It's a king-size loofah.
Thanks, pal.
So, we will try blueapron.com slash Stanhope.
And if they're shit, they're going to have to suffer the consequences on air.
That's it.
And Chef Tom is your guide.
That's it.
Nothing but honesty.
Blue Apron, a better way to cook.
And we'll be right back to the podcast after this.
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with the number four because someone else has the spelled out version.
All right, that was a fantastic read by me. Let's just say that right away.
I've never seen your girlfriend in jeans before and her her uh her butt yeah her thank you basket
yes i didn't know basket was coming when i started with the thing oh really yeah
matt beckard that whole thing yeah Yeah.
Oh, that's... Go ahead.
No, no.
What are you going to write down?
I'm going to write it down.
All right.
Write it down for the next 30-minute fireside chat, because we're going to have to do a
couple of these, because this is my weekend.
You're going to love this one.
All right.
Good.
Yeah.
I can't wait.
Tomorrow, we'll talk about this.
You have someone...
A couple of thank yous.
Someone sent some chocolates here's
the thing bingo she rips open packages you find them hey what'd you buy it with the way no you
you gotta put it in the thank you basket how about that yeah the under the shelf where you put the
thank you stuff like all this shit people mail us. I'm going to say thank you for that.
We'll call that the thank you basket.
No, I'll call your back toilet.
I just realized Tom's the one who manages all the mail when it comes in,
all the FedEx, all the UPS stuff.
If you're sending something, write,
Hey, Tom, somewhere on the box yeah he does
he'll fucking he will that will tickle him yeah but the the other problem is he listens to the
podcast so he'll he'll see it coming but i'll cut this out i'll cut this out from his version
how about that send anything to tom kanopka all that fucking hundreds of bottles of vodka he's been fielding all that
shit uh so yeah send anything to 212 van dyke street bisbee arizona 85603 and send it to hi
tom if you can't figure out kanopka phonetically like they would spell it in hawaii well you know what just say
hi tom hi tom at 212 van dyke street bisbee arizona 85603 hey here's another thing i gotta
bring up to people who don't listen to this i got like five or six comedians to go in. I thought if 10 of us going on that cave house in Bisbee at a hundred grand
a piece,
but I,
I kind of burned out on people.
I didn't ask Sal or Q.
The cave house is a property.
Don't even bring it up,
but I'm saying,
yeah,
I'm fucking serious about that.
So don't talk about it.
Well,
I'm serious.
No,
I'm just,
I'm saying I'm,
I,
I wish comics other than
burke kreischer who's in morgan murphy's in norm mcdonald is it rosanna i could get rosanna she
she talked to us about it she'll be the last one but yeah if i said hey you said uh you said you
you would be in on this uh she'd go, oh, yeah, all right.
Remember?
Remember you said that?
You'll do the radar O'Reilly.
Sign here.
Sign here.
Sign here.
What am I signing?
Just sign here.
Sign here.
Exactly.
Roseanne, you said.
You said.
You promised.
People could do that to me.
I'll do it to Roseanne.
Hey, Stanhope, you said you were going to headline four nights in Atlantic City
at an urban club.
All right.
Sign here.
Sign here.
The Jewish BET night.
So, yeah, the fucking cave house.
I would really want to do that.
I should work more on my act and my book
rather than worrying about trying to put a cabal of Bilderbergs of comedy into a cave house in Bisbee.
But that's a way more fun idea is to have our own bohemian grove of comics.
And I'd even have Dane Cook in there.
Just like if you had 10 comics that can all bring in their own kind of flocks.
With Dane, we'd have to do a credit check.
But yeah, if he okays the 100.
Or Dane's brother.
Let's just do Dane's brother and Norm MacDonald and Roseanne.
Oh, that was cold.
Okay, so someone sent some chocolates and i i remember that
because i was gonna re-gift those because bingo wasn't gonna eat chocolates because
she's putting on some poundage since we've been sedentary and working on her vocal exercises
doesn't really work the old abadabas to steal a howard kramer. But she just chewed through a little piece,
and they're really beautiful chocolates.
It has artwork on the chocolates.
Like drizzled chocolate artwork?
No, like actual artwork, like that picture on the wall
in this beautiful 1930s Arizona Inn with the fireplace roaring.
Yeah, anyway,
so Bingo... But there's chocolate with like artwork
printed on it? Yeah.
You get to see it. It's kind of, yeah.
There's small
chocolate, but Bingo... Did Bingo see it
or did she just eat it? No, she just ate
a little bit to see if there's one
that was caramel, like you do with...
Yeah.
Don't you poke a toothpick in the bottom?
No, Bingo eats a little corner of it, so I was going to re-gift it to Jen.
You know, she's an old spinster that lives across the street, and no one stops by,
and I occasionally try to stop by with some things. I go, oh, these beautiful chocolates would be good for her.
And then Bingo went, I ate a bunch of them.
And I looked down and he's like, oh, yeah, you did.
You ruined a perfect re-gift.
I don't want to eat any chocolate.
I don't like chocolate.
But I wanted to.
I go, I'd buy you fucking caramel.
I don't want any chocolate because I'm full of chocolate.
I don't know if she's full of chocolate,
but I'm going to see if there's any fudge in that factory.
All right.
Four to six hours.
We have a couple of thank yous to wrap this 30-minute podcast
down to under an hour, a little over.
Anyone wanting to buy merch, 30 minute podcast down to under an hour, a little over. Anyone
wanting to buy merch
and you don't see that your
country is covered in
shipping, just email me
at, well, let's
face it, they're going to email you.
But we don't have every
country in there, but
a guy from Spain contacted
me and I added Spain as someone who we can ship to
he also has a book that he's recommending the conspiracy against the human race
which i thought oh this might be up your alley but then it's a horror book so i don't know
no yeah you're not into that no i don't read fiction and and I have so many books. I have a few books.
I've read a lot of books trying to fan my flame to write my own book,
and both shitty books and great books, nonfiction, of course.
Same way when I was trying to write write comedy not so much anymore because now i'm fucking wet-brained so
you don't want to watch comedy i'm afraid i have uh burt kreischer i have uh i have three pete
holmes i don't even really know pete but uh w camu bell i have them all on my list dvr'd and i'm
afraid to watch them.
Because I don't want to absorb that,
especially now when I'm having to write both a book and a new act.
So I'm terrified.
I have to be absolutely fucking sober.
But with the books,
like reading good writing makes you want to write, and reading shitty books makes you think,
all right, if that was a fucking New York Times bestseller,
I think, yeah, I don't have to judge myself too harshly.
Maybe I'll day drink today.
A little bit.
Well, it's actually, that's the problem.
I sit there and I write a lot of linear knowledge,
and it's not funny until I pour whiskey on it and go back over it.
All right, fuck this.
That's not a reference.
There's no reference in there.
Let's get hit this shit.
You don't know this, but someone,
Bill Burr answers some email questions at the end of his podcast sometimes.
And someone asked about if he had seen the special No Place Like Home.
Oh, I do know this because someone sent me a link with the time stamp.
Shit, really?
And said, Bill Burr said nice shit about you
and I was hungry
for that so I did
listen to that. The point was
he had a very
what he said was exactly what you said
is that
he recommends
you like your DVDs
and your comedy but he can't
listen to it because it gets in your
fucking head well when we did that end of the
world podcast on the election night
Bert Rogan
Bill Burr and every other comic
that was Kreischer and Morgan Murphy
and a million
but I said hey listen I don't
want to bug you but did you
see the Bill Burr
puppet act with Sean Rouse from Junior Stopgap?
No, where were we?
For Lauderdale?
Daytona.
You know what?
That's what we have to do on the next one that we're going to do tonight or tomorrow is we have to do the 2016 recap.
That's the next podcast.
Jesus Christ.
I know it's going to be the middle of January,
but yeah, that's a fun one to do.
Actually, Doug, we're now partnered with Audioboom.
We're doing at least two podcasts a week from here on out.
Yeah, I know, but I'm saying you and I are going to be doing two tonight
or two in the next two days.
But the next one we do here, Fireside, is the Fireside recap of 2016
because there was a lot of shit that happened,
even though I felt like I did nothing.
So we'll do that.
And we will not cross-pollinate.
You write down shit you remember.
I write down shit I remember.
Fuck.
I almost grabbed my tour book.
You can't do it.
All right.
This is all memory.
All memory.
All right.
No cheating.
Can I go to email?
Cheat how much?
Text messages.
All right.
No, just go through month by month.
All right, January.
What happened to January?
I don't even remember who won the Super Bowl last year.
I could.
Oh, is that one team?
You got it.
All right, Tracy and Bingo, maybe they'll jump in all right javier thank you very
much for the book suggestion but uh someone sent me two books i think they were apocalypse related
there was something about but it was a like jim goad and even danny rollins that it was what he's
a author in that remember danny rollins from that podcast we listened to?
I go, he was in prison with Victor Farr, my death row.
Yeah, your man crush.
Yeah, he was jacking me up to try to get him a book deal.
And I'm like, tell this guy to fuck off.
I still have the letters.
Anyway, you sent me some compilation books of different writers.
And you sent two.
There's no note.
And other people sent stuff. And I and you sent two. There's no note. And other people sent stuff
and I thank you very much.
Listen, the fire
only stays
a light
for so long and the bar closes
at a certain hour.
So thank you for enjoying this
five-minute podcast.
Has it been more than five?
All right. Fireside Ch chats with chaley with doug
stand up on the doug stand up podcast with greg chaley and a fire click hey here's some quick
thank yous as a break matt hammer jesus christ matt hammer sent like literally i think 80 pounds
sent like literally I think 80 pounds even Tom Konopka had problems picking up that box Walmart fucking mixers,
again, you know the shitstorm of things I'm going through trying to write a book at the table, blah, blah, blah.
Thank you, Diane Conover.
She sent some, well, actually, no, I realized
someone bought me a bunch of vintage Pan Am wings,
memorabilia, Pan Am airlines.
You have the tie clip, right?
Didn't I see that?
Well, there's just so much stuff here.
I just run into things, but there was some Pan Am stuff.
At one point, I lost my favorite Delta vintage tie clip.
But people confuse that with those, you know, the plastic kid wings.
You can pin onto your shirt.
Or not even pin.
There's a two-way tape.
So they don't hurt themselves.
The vintage ones.
Yeah.
And you'd sit on the captain's lap.
Well, those are plastic.
This was like an
employee's uh there's a word for it blah blah blah thank you very much he sent me he sent me a like
pan am uh zippo lighter a bunch of shit but i don't know who it is because he bought it off ebay
so i'm at some point i realized I'm not gonna name the return address that
Dwayne Smith sent the book that's the one I was talking about Chaley Dwayne Smith sent the book
that's uh it's a 9-11 book it's about 9-11. And he put $100 in it
saying, hey,
can you give this to Joe?
I assume
it's Joe Rogan.
So Joe Rogan can talk about 9-11.
What about...
We don't have a Joe, but we have $100.
Cave Joe.
The homeless
Cave Joe. I think he would have said Cave Joe if he didn't mean Joe Rogan.
Anyway, at some point we'll have some battle off for who's the drunkest,
who can blow the highest alcohol content to win $100, including Chad Shank.
And you know what?
You know what?
Tom Konopka.
He's around now.
He needs 100 bucks.
So yeah, we'll see if we can.
Scott Perkins.
Eight bottles of Absolute.
The Impractical Jokers.
They're overseas.
And they're going to get back. Oh oh tracy i know you wrote down all those
names but they've been away and sal said hey make sure you hold on to all those names i'm like uh
tracy wrote them down but i don't know if we kept them we put them on periscope so next week he'll
be calling judith sent some mugs and and oh fuck, what's her name,
god damn it, I'm gonna have to look it up, uh, Hillary sent Hank's hot sauce, Hillary is one of,
I think, three people that reached out to me during Bingo's ordeal, where they all had friends that were in comas one more fucked than the other and all of
them still fucked since bingo or as bingo is getting better they were still fucked hopefully
you're all good now hillary was one i said if he's a fan i'll call him up and she said wait till he can sense reality we've all been through this but she
said I'm sending Hank's hot sauce it's called Hank sauce and just google search Hank sauce
uh we tried the camouflage it's fucking fantastic and I'd tell you if it sucked I'd go hey thanks Hillary
keep your husband in a fucking coma
and send us
something better
it's fucking great and we
shared it around playoff football
playoffs
I don't know what happened to the other cilantro one
I gave the cilantro
away because both Bingo and I
hate cilantro
I have two of those down both Bingo and I hate cilantro. But you made sure that
you gave, like I have two of those down
there, the camouflage and then the
Hank sauce. The hot habanero.
But that cilantro's mine.
I want that one when we're done. It's yours.
You got it. Chaley got it.
So, yeah.
Get online and get
some Hank sauce.
Ashley Teague Did you
Oh did you open that Chaley
Which one
The smash thing
Yeah yeah
Do you see what it was
It said no
No I'm sorry
Here
You keep talking I'll show you
Just tell me
Just tell me
I don't want broken glass in the fucking place
I dumped it all out
Oh it was a it's a drawing.
A drawing that's going to go in my bathroom.
It's a framed drawing
where the glass is smashed out
and the Chaley house
is where all the
not ready for prime time
artwork
gets hung up
on the not ready for-for-primetime walls
that the Whiskey Girl and Nowhere Man painted
in a place that, yeah, yeah, thank you.
It's a beautiful, what is it?
Describe that, Chaley.
Jesus, help me out.
It looks like a friendly kid version of Medusa,
like that hair all over,
but then it's just different colors, different blues.
Oh, shit.
I didn't even bring these over.
Someone sent, maybe I brought this up.
Someone sent chocolates internationally.
I did bring this up.
Helen and John sent some shit.
You have to understand, Bingo tears stuff open
and then puts it all in a pile.
She doesn't care.
Helen and John sent holy water that Kenny tried to use
to make the Miami Dolphins beat the Steelers.
It didn't work.
I re-gifted the holy water to Kenny,
and then someone told him, that has fecal matter in it.
He was going to do a shot to make Miami win so he could win a bet.
PI from Houston.
I assume that's Russ from Houston.
I don't know.
There's a couple.
Russ from Houston.
There's two dudes from Houston, Lee and Russ.
I don't know who you are, but wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Let's just keep it at that.
And...
Oh, Anthony Decimito.
It's an Austin comic from the Queer Kid from the Knocko show.
The Raising Arizona comedy show.
Oh, Raising Arizona.
R-A-Z-I-N-G.
Hmm.
Edgy.
But I love that kid.
I love those guys.
And that's my thank you.
Moving on.
Click.
Please hold.
Oh, I didn't want to record.
I've been doing a
podcast to Bingo.
Well, it
started out to Bingo to get
her goat and now
no.
Do you want to do a wrap up?
Oh yeah,
sure, sure.
We'll do our wrap up
nothing happened
because we have to have
one more night here
last night I did that
when we went to have the
chef special
the chef sampler
it was called
and it was fucking
eggplant wrapped in fucking milk cheese with chocolate sauce.
Do they actually have milk cheese here?
No, they don't have authentic milk cheese, but I didn't want to be the snob.
Usually when I see a sampler platter, it's like seven different things that are fried.
You know what?
The fucking douchebag,
his name's Alan something.
It's not on the...
Douchebag?
No, but the douchebag chef has,
for $55,
you can get the sampler plate
from Chef Alan Simpson
or something like that.
Usually your vitriol makes you remember these details.
Well, first of all, no.
Alan Simpson or whatever his name is at the Arizona Inn,
you can find it through a Google search.
Hey, Tracy, can you look at the iPad, the in-room iPad?
No, no, it's not.
I already tried to find the thing.
But if you google search
chef at arizona in tucson the guy puts his name on it he doesn't have a reality show
not yet no one knows who the fucking guy is so yeah i get a sampler plate bingo couldn't eat anything other than dessert.
She's very finicky.
But I was drunk.
This is how drunk I was.
I go, let's try new things.
That's how I am right now.
Who are you and what happened to Doug Stanhope?
Bingo was not trying new things at all.
She was against every new thing. and I kept hollering across. I think there were like three couples in this barnyard dining room.
The dining room's nice.
So I would politely whisper to the waiter.
I'm always polite to the staff.
Hey, you know what?
We're going to get the sampler plate.
You mean featured by Sam Allison?
Chef Sam Allison?
Double L?
Yes.
Double L.
Sam Allison.
Well, your sampler plate is shit.
And I say this to the waiter.
You said that to the wait staff? You said this is shit? And I say this to the waiter. You said that to the waitstaff?
You said, this is shit?
No, no. That's not until the end.
Oh.
Sorry. No, the waiter,
I tell him, he goes, well,
that's a three course.
Yeah, we're just going to share it.
We weren't really hungry. We wanted to go
down and have drinks and maybe get something
to eat. A sample of platter kind kind of implies you could kind of pick through it but when it says a sampler
platter by chef alan or allison sam allison all i said al simpson or something, whatever. I was close. Anyway, for $55 for I don't know what it is.
All right, we'll do that.
So we just did it to say what the fuck.
I'm guessing it's not potato skins.
And they said it's three courses.
I go, listen, we're just doing this for the fuck of it.
We're probably not going to eat this.
We're just doing this for the fuck of it.
We're probably not going to eat this. But speed up the courses because we're there for a drink and we got the thing.
So then as he's walking across, we're at the far end.
When he gets to the cross corner entrance to the kitchen, I go,
can you hurry it up?
My girlfriend is terminally ill
in a in a restaurant setting that looks like a an english library i mean it is subdued lighting
plus chairs where like even if you if you scooted your chair back on the carpet and it made a noise
people would turn around and you're yelling hurry up she's terminally ill yeah and there made a noise, people would turn around, and you're yelling, hurry up, she's terminally ill.
Yeah, and there's a couple of gals at the table closest to us, next to us,
I'll say, and at some point they left.
I like to think it was because of us.
They go, see you gals at karaoke!
And then right back to quiet.
Let it settle.
Like it's Tourette's.
Yeah.
Oh, that guy's an obnoxious asshole.
Well, he hasn't said anything for 10 minutes.
He has an affliction.
Yeah, maybe he just has these outbursts.
We're right next to the hospital.
Come on, Janet.
Don't cause a scene.
Gay Lord Perry was the best pitcher for the Oakland A's in the 70s.
Fuck you.
And obviously he's a sports fan because he's right.
And then you over tip.
Yeah.
Yeah, we were leaving after you left the bar.
Obviously, he knew we were done.
And he came by with – Ron came by with a whole other glass of wine and put it in front of Tracy.
He goes, I hate throwing out a bottle.
With like just a little left.
And it was a whole other thing.
I go, hey, Tracy, you know what the beauty of being a customer is?
I can overpour in one glass
ron can't and i just i made this like this glass that would like get you fired if you gave it
that's yeah it's good they were good deliver it with a pail or yeah i told bingo why you were
late getting here i said he said uh he had to give Tracy a pail.
Oh, this morning. When you called
in the morning and I said
we'll be there but it's going to be late.
Tracy needs a pail.
She asked for a pail.
Bingo didn't get it. I said
I mean she needs a bucket
and then bucket sold it.
Pail.
She was thinking a whiter shade of pale.
Whiter shade of pale?
Yeah, she was thinking Brokel harem.
We tripped a lot, fantastic.
Fandango.
Fandango, sorry.
All right, well, let's close on that because I don't know why we're-
Finish your story.
I was podcasting all alone in this room by the fire by myself without turning the
recorder on.
Yeah.
While bingo was,
uh,
going into a restless sleep,
waking up,
talking to me,
like,
like shaking and stuff.
No,
she was trying to talk back at me and I was,
I was pod.
I was pretending to podcast to upset her.
That's such a weird thing.
All right.
Oh, like that, what she's doing right there?
Yeah, she's speaking in tongues.
The girl drank fucking 18 drinks in four minutes.
Yeah.
Bingo's back.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then eventually she she
shut down fell asleep and I continued in
front of the fireplace to podcast
without it recording as you're fine I
don't have to listen to this I my
friends don't listen to this podcast we could have a
god damn cave house
the drink
that I spilled all over Tracy's chest
that was a gentleman's
gin and tonic here at the Arizona
Inn I drank a bunch
of it spilled some of it
on Tracy's chest and then I
asked Ron our bartender hey I'm going to go back
to the room can I get a rocks glass?
And I poured
what ended up being a complete
drink after I
had already drank it and spilled it on
Tracy. I still had a complete
drink all the way to the top of a rocks glass.
Well, I brought Bingo back to the room
after we did the beginning of
this podcast, evidently.
And Bingo was just retardedly drunk
to celebrate the neurologist who said,
your brain function is perfect.
So now she's still muttering things.
It's funny because she's reacting to what you're saying,
but it's incomprehensible.
I know, but we don't have the equipment to bring a microphone over
and lay it in front of her.
I'll get a wireless lav mic for next time.
So I walk her back, and she goes to bed.
From the bar tonight.
Yeah, from the bar to the room,
and then I go back to check on the Chaley's,
assuming they're having more fun than anyone can have.
And there's only four stools at the bar.
Perfect, isn't it?
So I get back there, and you have the same two stools,
and the two stools that Bingo and I had evacuated.
Did I just say evacuated stool?
Anyway. had evacuated did i just say evacuated stool anyway those two stools are insert fart sound here yes the trailies are both so deep in their phones
that i come up to stool number three that i had left open it's open and i start texting at them and you're trailey trailey tracy and chaley
she's going oh stanhope just texted me something vulgar he wanted to i don't know what i but i
want come home and fuck me come on fuck me you home and fuck me. You're my bitch.
But like everything misspelled.
Because I forgot my reading glasses back at the room.
But then my phone buzzed and it says, I'm next to you.
And then because I was.
She's in the middle.
Yeah.
She still has no idea that I'm texting from literally.
Well, no one can hear you text. I mean, to be fair, it's not like you're
It's a four seat bar.
I know. You're not hammering
into stone with a text.
If someone walks up to me next
at a four seat bar,
I notice someone's there.
This is an empty place.
It's an antiquated, old
fucking 1930s
speakeasy hotel resort.
When I got the message that you were standing next to me, of course, I looked the wrong way first, which there's no stools on my right.
I looked to the left over Tracy, and I see you there, and then I immediately kind of like kind of corralled her towards me because I wanted to keep playing it up.
Yeah, I'm going to fuck with Tracy next.
I give you the eye contact.
Well, you give me the eye.
And then you overplay it by going, hey, baby, give me a hug.
Look directly in my eyes.
Hey, I'm going to jack off.
I'll pull down my pants.
All right, you didn't actually go that far.
You're my bitch.
Come back to the room and fuck me.
actually go that far. You're my bitch.
Come back to the room and fuck me.
You tried to pull her into you to make eye contact
and you spilled
your drink all over her
giant tits. Who shows a fucking $14
gin and tonic in a fucking
high stemmed glass? Come on, guys.
I don't know. Put it in a
pint. They should have put it in a pint.
This is supposed to be a 30 minute podcast.
Smell your shirt. I'll tell you it's my drink.
That's a gin and tonic.
Hey, remember, this is 2017.
Yeah.
So tomorrow when we do the next podcast, which is a recap of 2016.
It'll be 2018.
Do not repeat this story because it is not 2016.
We're going to have to go back and repeat that.
And we're going to regroup and figure
out what the fuck happened last year
because that was probably
the drunkest year of my life.
Really?
Oh my God.
Good to know.
You know, I'm like trying to like
replay things. I know we went...
Oh, let's save it for the podcast next time.
I'll take my notes and go over them.
Yeah.
Okay, let's play...
Cut it out and play Easy Peasy.
Easy Peasy.
Oh, that's the next new band of 2018.
All right.
Let's do some Bird Cloud.
Bird Cloud, yes.
I love Bird Cloud.
I was going to call.
Wrap it up.
Maybe I did.
Maybe I did give.
I think I might have drunked out Bird Cloud in the last few days.
Because I have Bird Cloud on my phone.
But Bird Cloud has two gals.
You did.
I did drunk dial him.
I've got Bird Cloud in my mind.
Well, I don't know who it is, so I just say, hey, Bird Cloud.
I know you're two separate ladies, but we love you both equally.
And so if I leave you a drunk message, it's for both of you.
And I don't know whose phone that is.
It's just Bird Cloud in my phone.
It's almost exactly what you said.
All right.
Well, if I called, if Tracy's right and I did drunk tell you, Bird Cloud,
I meant it.
I love you both equally and beautifully and peacefully.
And here's some Bird Cloud.
Hey, listen to yourselves.
Honey, I'm in a state
Don't get some more
You know I do it myself
But I can't stand up.
I decide when it's quitting time.
The sun is wrong.
You know I pull the blinds
But I can't stand up
Yeah, I do it myself
But I can't stand up
What you got against me
Having myself a time?
I can't stand up, I can't stand up, I'm fine.
I said, what you got against me having myself a time?
I can't stand up, I can't stand up, baby. I can't stand up.
I'm fine.
Don't tell me I'm unreasonable.
One more again.
I whoop your ass
but I can't stand up
Yeah, I do it myself
but I can't
stand up
What you got against me
having myself a time
I can't stand up I can't stand up.
I can't stand up.
I'm fine.
I said, what you got against me?
Having myself a time.
I can't stand up.
I can't stand up.
I'm fine.
One more again.
One more again.
One more again.
One more again.
One more again.
One more again. One more again, one more again
One more again, one more again
One more again, one more again
One more again, one more again