The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #205: Week 2 Tour Update

Episode Date: April 21, 2017

This episode is sponsored byDollar Shave Club. For a limited time, new members get their 1st month of the Executive Razor with a tube of Dr. Carver’s Shave Butter for ONLY $5 with FREE shipping. After that, razors are just a few bucks a month. Join the club today at DollarShaveClub.com/STANHOPE.andMack Weldon. Go to MackWeldon.Com and get 20% off using promo code STANHOPE.Week 2 Tour Update - Doug, Morgan Murphy, Brett Erickson and Chaille recap the highs, lows and middles of the last week on the tour.Recorded April 19, 2017 in Wilmington, NC with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Morgan Murphy (@Morgan_Murphy), Brett Erickson (@IBrettMyPants), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List to get first crack at Future tickets. May 20th Doug Stanhope / Bert Kreischer LIVE SwapCast at the Royale in Bisbee is totally SOLD OUT.Closing song, "Heart Stray", by The Fame Riot. Available on iTunes.LINKS:- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, this is a recap of a part of a road trip with Brett Erickson, Morgan Murphy, and Greg Chaley. And if you do not listen to the clusterfuck of, what do you call them? Sponsors at the end, I will kill this podcast. I mean it this time. That's pretty's it's it's a magical joy ride where i i shit on uh bill burr and dave chapelle again and my friends and my uh i fire my my my old friend chaley it's a long it's a Enjoy. And you know what? If you don't enjoy it, don't fucking tweet me going,

it's been more than a week since I did a podcast and now I have to listen to four hours of one. I don't know how long it lasted, but I don't fucking care. Go to hell. I love you guys.

Thanks for helping me out. Fuck you. All right, bye. All right, here's the podcast thing. Oh my god. I wonder what Shelly does all the time he's not making

merch money like he did tonight. Tonight's pretty piss poor. We could have really just not done it tonight What do you mean? I sold four CDs Actually you did pretty good Morgan Murphy Morgan Murphy sold out

Sold out Good job Murph Murph the toast To be fair I sold out when I was 23 And I took a job writing for television Instead of a comedian. What do you mean? I don't have pockets in this dress.

That's what I was trying to say to start the podcast is this, uh, go through my jacket there. This podcast is brought to you by ax body spray because we're going to smoke in this piece of shit room. And in the morning, instead of the $200 smoke in the room fee, we douse it with ax body spray.

There's funnier ways that we've considered doing it. Rotten shrimp curry, or just, just stink up the whole room with something so foul. Something so foul that they don't make a sign for. I'm sure we've talked about it on the podcast, and I said it on stage tonight. For the 99% of people who don't listen to the podcast and go, I go, I can't do that joke on stage because I said it on one podcast or I think I might have tweeted it in 2013.

It's old material. Nah, fuck them. Morgan Murphy is going away. She's going away. No, I got it right here. Hey, lady. I get that. Oh, sorry.

I squished they don't have a real ashtray they have a sign there look at the sign read that Brett Erickson is with us read that sign will you grab that sign oh fuck someone put their shit over it

oh Greg Jaley it's underneath all of his fucking I had to change it in my outfit my podcast outfit. This is a non-smoking room. If you must smoke, please use the ashtrays provided and go out onto the balcony. Now, go back and read that again with highlight the provided that they didn't provide. Much like they didn't provide a second bed that's supposed to be a pull-out bed but they did go ahead read it again this is a non-smoking room if you must

smoke please use the ashtrays provided and go out onto the balcony you cuck thank you management they did not provide an ashtray. They did provide a balcony. But since they didn't provide the second. Oh, we only have one bed. And then in the living room, we have a pullout sofa. No, they have a sofa that if you move the sofa, they have a Murphy bed behind it. Move the sofa.

They have a Murphy bed behind it. So you have to hire movers or just drag it into the only place it will fit is in a hallway where you block the hallway. Then you got to duck walk sideways to get by the couch in the hallway. If you're slim enough to duck walk past it. Morgan, how are you? I'm doing well. I feel good about the show. I thought it was a fun show, a fun ride on the tour thus far. You guys are continuing without me.

It's fine. It won't be the same. Fuck, I forget my notes. I'm looking for mine. Yeah, no, I get notes. Last we left you, I forget my notes. I'm looking for mine. Yeah, no, I get notes. Last we left you, I don't remember. I know I was trying to catch everyone up on Boston, all the chaos of getting to Charlotte,

and it was before the Charlotte show, with Erickson and Chaley were waiting for me there with high expectations of a beautiful tour. Have you a lighter, a nice lady? Oh, there it is. Thank you. I said thank you. Giving it to you.

Murphy, you're here, but we're going to go step by step. Yeah, do it. Please hold. I got my notes right here. Jesus. All right. Should we start at the beginning? I mean, tonight.

Let's start with tonight. Let's do it Duff McKagan style, where we start with a pancreatitis and work backward from there. No, he started with his kid's birthday. work backward from there no he started with started with interesting the book that i i've written at least the rough draft starts with talking about all these books i've read i read books to inspire me or say i can do better than that. That's a terrible book. But the great ones, except for the NoFX book that I can remember, when you're reading about some fuck-up, whatever, degenerate, whether it's a rock and roll, punk rock, they invariably get sober three-quarters of the way through.

invariably get sober three quarters of the way through. And Duff McKagan's did just like Mishka Shabali. At some point they stop being interesting and they start jogging and being sober. So you just get to that point, but you also, if you read like I read laboriously, I've read this much. I'm going to see it through. Maybe they fuck up again where it's a fun read.

No, they never do. Well, it did happen a little bit with the Duff book, which is It's So Easy, the book. When he started doing Xanax and taking us. For two weeks. For two weeks. For two weeks. Which, I mean, come on. At his level. He worked his way up to 22 Xanax a day.

That's a lot. Adverbal. But this book is available on Audible. A sponsor of ours in the past. I do want to say that. It's so easy. And it's Duff McKagan read by some other dude. Listen.

The first three quarters of the book are fantastic it's just that part oh there's i can bitch about other parts but i can bitch about anything after this show let's let's start at this show and since it's fresh we just ran out of this wilmington north, North Carolina, that's where we're at, and it really is a great town. That whole downtown street is a great party, but we thought, let's just do the podcast instead. We have a widescreen TV. We can peripherally look at basketball playoffs.

I need to see the Blazers. I would have come back here anyways. And we hated the audience. The audience wasn't the best that we've had. Really? What's the best? We had an ejection. A couple got in a fight.

A guy shoved a girl. I go, hey, that's not on us. They're telling me about it. That's not on us. It was up in the bleachers. Well, this is a small theater the bleachers i can't believe you didn't see it i i thought they were blaming us dead crow they they they've sponsored the show and everything timmy was really cool and he was

saying like well we had to throw someone out do we need security go doug will handle anything that comes up but then he started to explain what what what happened i go what like a couple got drunk and got physical and who was this during yours all right for the listener i'll describe this theater i air quote as a funnel it's the size of like a 75 seater, but it holds 200 because it goes almost straight up like a funnel. It's what they call stadium seating for movie theaters where they don't go back. I call it funnel seating where if you

took a shit backwards and you could squirt like a penguin, it would hit the front row. If we're starting from the beginning, at the end of your set, which is the beginning of this podcast, I was having a moment in the restroom, a peaceful poo. This is where we're going.

And I was sitting there, and I hear the click, click of an iPhone taking a photograph. Hold on. I'm queuing it up. And I said, go fuck yourself to whoever it was. And then I heard a giggle, which made me know it was somebody I knew. And I don't know if it was Shaylee or Brett. And that's what I want to know.

That's the, that's the, who do you think it was? I, when you told me this, I promised you it was neither of them. They would not do that. No, no, no. It happened. They was neither of them. They would not do that. No, no, no. It happened. They would never do that. I would never do that. But when you said it was just a picture of my shoes, I go, all right, I have to back off.

There it is. It was chilly. But I was taking a couple. I took like 10 pictures. The first eight, I realized I had the square in for merch and it kills the speaker. So you couldn't hear that click, click, click, click. Do you know what that click, click is? It's of Chanel loafers

in a room with no toilet paper or soap. That's what that picture is. Wait, hang on. Let's back up. So you took a dump and there was no toilet paper, so can we take a picture of your asshole? Back up. Yeah. So you took a dump and there was no toilet paper. So can we take a picture of your asshole?

I used paper towels. Like a gentleman. Paper towels in a stall? Yeah, but no, no, no, no. I realized during my initial tinkle that there was no toilet paper. So when I went to have a longer moment, I took some paper towels from the sink area and then I went out to wash my hands, but there was no soap.

There were things in the sink, but they weren't soap. You mean during your photo shoot? During my photo shoot. Murphy ate her first Subway breakfast sandwich today, was unimpressed, but what she doesn't realize we eat those every day because it comes with a plastic

bag and a napkin so you can shit in a bag and then wipe your ass with a napkin. You learn these things on the road. They put the sandwich in the bag, but that's a ruse. They're asking you to please, at the end of this transaction,

you'll be putting it back in the bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The lady gives it to you. She's like, wink, keep the bag. Cycle of life. I'm adding a couple extra napkins. You return this at any subway for a free break. Recycling.

Reuse, reduce. Corn is a trace. Why would you put corn on a breakfast sandwich it's a tracer vegetable to return this like breadcrumbs in the forest yeah you look like you've never held a microphone in your life i'm holding it more delicately because i'm wearing a dress and you're very soft-spoken. That's why I put you guys on the same line. Hang on, hang on. We got to plug the...

Oh, that's the one. You bought a dress today that you refused to wear on stage. Yeah. It doesn't... The dress does not fit your act. You wear... I thought you were going to say

it doesn't fit. And I was like, Doug, it's not enough already with the things not fitting jokes but uh yeah you you have a 1950s dress you bought reticently i had to actually coerce you you were you were like my uh you were like my like like like you were like my girlfriend if my girlfriend had a gruff voice and was like, go get that for yourself. You deserve it.

Don't look at the price tag. She didn't even want to try it on. It fucking looks great on you. Oh, thank you. I can't believe you didn't go on stage with it tonight. Can we extend the tour one more night? Can we extend the tour one more night? Honestly, having Morgan Murphy on this tour for the five, six days we've been out has really been brilliant.

And you've traveled well, and you've dealt with all of our fuckwits well. And I hope that Writer's Strike does come into play. So you're needy for us. You're the one who hopes that happens. You're the one. There's 6,000 people in Los Angeles going, I'm going to lose my house. But one of them might be happy that I get to go back on tour. I was in L.A. for the last writer's strike that I remember.

When was that? Ten years ago. Ten years? I remember going, oh, writer's strike. There's going to be no more suddenly Susan. Wow. There's going to be eventually Susan. Oh, cut that from the thing

because I don't want people to think that I... They're all markets, so I turn it up. Okay, good. MorganMurphy.net. Oh, wait, I don't have a website anymore. Go ahead. Oh, okay. I do have to... I'll put this in here right now. You didn't have merch on the tour.

No. But people came up to the booth looking for merch. Well, that's good. And we're going to offer that on Doug's website. What? So if you want to get Morgan Murphy's CD. Is it a CD? Irish Goodbye. Yeah, sure. I'll make more of those. I feel like I went on Shark Tank and you guys agreed to pitch my product.

You don't want to be on Shark Tank with us. No, we didn't. Erickson, Murphy, and I did the last tour without you where Erickson was the de facto Chaley. We all pitched in except for you did most of it. pitched in except for you did most of it uh and at the end morgan had to fly off and she had all these cds that she kept in her garage because she goes uh i never thought about selling why do you have them is that what you do with it no i just didn't want to do it can i be honest i didn't want to do it alone it's scary for me to be around people by myself. And then when I was on the road with you guys, it was like, oh, well, the attention goes to Doug.

So I'm this kind of periphery character who gets to do it on the side. That's much easier for me. But when people are looking at my face, I don't want to be there. Well, when she left, her leftover merch, she goes, I can't bring this on the plane. I want to fly carry-on. And you were driving back. And I was driving home. So anything goes in the van.

I said, Chaley will just sell it on the website. And then when I told you, you go, I didn't believe you. No, he will. We used to sell a lot of other people's. I don't know who we still sell. It's all Chaley. Chaley is the reason that we're on the road doing this. Without him, we tried by ourselves, and we made it through.

It was a week, but it was a long week. It's kind of like, what's that? We were selling four things. We had four things. We had no T-shirts. We had no vinyl. We had my CD, Morgan's CD, a DVD, and stolen Bibles, and that was it. And every night I had a wad of fucking crumpled up bills and a cluster of fuck trying to make change.

And you didn't uncrumple them? And trying to run fucking credit cards through the square. Yeah. Running outside where you got internet service to run the credit cards. You're like, oh, you want to buy the CD? I got to run 15 bucks. Hold on. At Sally Tomatoes in Rona Park. No fucking phone coverage.

So every time someone wanted to run a card, I'd run it and it would just keep spinning. The buffering signal. And I'm like, hang on a minute. I'd run outside, hold my phone up to the sky, and in four seconds it would run back. And this is also the place where the toilets went out so wi-fi was a secondary problem it was easier to find diarrhea than wi-fi sally tomatoes

so we're glad you're back what was the uh i was trying to use the analogy of where all the kids are stuck on an island. Lord of the Flies. Lord of the Flies. That's what we were like without Chaley. So, yeah, when you buy merchandise, you keep Chaley in business. And so thank you for doing that. I got to tell you, the real star, Erickson, I don't know if you guys know his pitch while you guys are back smoking in the green room before you come out to do merch.

You mean when I go out to the people and meet with the people and shake hands with the people? Like I have to run and get the recorder because we record our sets and stuff like that. I have to do some things, which having someone there, which Tracy I bring on the road, lovely Tracy. But Erickson, lovely Erickson, he will stay there, and I know he'll chat people up. But he goes overboard. But that's his forte. And then when you guys are still in the green room,

like fighting the urge to come out until I have to go drag you out by your ears, he's out there telling everyone, oh, where's Stan Hope and Morgan Murphy? Not out here talking to their fans. But look. Guess they don't care about the people like Brett Erickson. But I don't have merch, so I don't have to be out there. Well, no, but he could still just slag on you.

So that's the point of that. I care about the people. You can just say Morgan's got nothing to gain from the situation, and Doug is Doug – Too wordy. I feel like I'm a lot like Duff McKagan. I'm just one of the guys. I'm not like a rock star like some other people claim to be. Unless there's a line, then I'm going to use my rock star privilege.

I'm not waiting in no fucking line. When this tour started, I go, hey, we're five people. We're a band of brothers, and we split all of the shit equally, but now I realize I'm the lead singer and your lawyer's a fucking asshole and she's expendable and that guy can be replaced by

Brett Erickson. And karate taught me that I deserve to own part of my band. Is that what happened? I don't know. I just read the item. Mishka Shibali will be once you leave, you're replaced by Carlos Valencia again.

No. John Gibson tomorrow night. The next two nights. It's a local. Does Carlos know this? Maybe I'm spreading. No, no. Carlos knows. He's coming to, I think, one show in Atlanta. Either way. No, no. Mishka's doing. Let's go back to the beginning. By the way, I would go to Atlanta, Doug. I think, one show in Atlanta. Either way. No, no. Mishka's doing. Let's go back to the beginning. By the way, I would go to Atlanta, Doug.

I really want to go to Atlanta. I really would. It's going to be. Well, good. Will be pieces of shit. Wait, hold on. Go ahead. Well, I was going to say I would go, but I have to see my dog.

That's why I'm not going. I want to go home and see my dog. You're going to make Brett cry. My dog has left me for Tom Kanopka. And you know what? Only because he paid one iota of attention to him. Yeah. Yep.

Hey, do you want water? Tom Kanopka. Oh, I like him more. I like Tom more. This guy knows where the water is. It's not opposable. Thumb comes in handy. Actually, that's the one thing

Tom Konopka I've walked in on him not having like just a thin eighth of an inch of water for the dogs and I used to yell at Bingo one time they were dead dry

and he's come close that's the only thing I don't bring it up but he listens to the podcast so I just told him it's not on purpose he's come close. That's the only thing. I don't bring it up, but he listens to the podcast. It's not on purpose. He's very attentive to that. He walks them, and that's why they drink more water. We didn't walk them. Sit around. They fucking have mojitos.

It's there again. Has it been a week already? There's water. All right. Last we left you, we were in Charlotte the night before a show. Yeah. We did the Comedy Zone where I haven't worked there since. They used to book me in the 90s twice.

Used to. Two times they booked me where Heffron would tell me to my face. Who's Heffron? He was the booker, i don't know but he was a nice guy and he loved my act and he's a hey me and the other guy we just book you for ourselves once a year they're gonna hate you thank you and they did and he booked me twice and then after that he said yeah we, we can't do this anymore. They hate you too much. And then they brought me back, and I don't remember the show,

if it was good or bad. I know I'm working out shit, and it's gotten way better over eight shows or whatever we've done. I don't know if it was good that show was sold out 350 some people i mean that was that was the first show of this run and yeah boston was just kind of a i mean that was you had morgan was there and glenn or no who else was tom oh no as a junior junior so i mean you this was really the start of you having to and Glenn... Tom. Junior. This was really the start of you having to come up with a set. You were still doing the...

I went up... Doug Stanhope and Friends where I'd go up and do 20 and then go up in the middle between two people and do 15-20 and then go up at the end and do 20. You still get the time. I did that in Charlotte. Anyway.

I don't remember Charlotte. I'm trying to go beep. I'll tell you right now, Charlotte is when the soldier came up to Erickson on stage. I forgot about that. I don't have that in my notes. But he wasn't like a guy in fucking camo. He was like a biker dude, right? Yeah, he had a je biker dude right i'm not yeah i'm not gonna jacket kind of

thing happening i'm not gonna kill the bit that you're working on but you have a bit about north carolina i'll give the premise saying it's the most military friendly state i could play it no it's not it's not even started he. You're not in North Carolina next month. Yeah, well, that's not even a necessary part of it to keep going. But that's how it started. That's how it started because we saw that sign. Yeah, so he does this bit about military people being heroes. And at some point, this long hair hippie kid, Sign, sign, everywhere a sign.

He looked like that. He looked like the hippie that would be again. Right. But he had some makeshift dungaree vest. Don't worry, you come into this. Sorry, Morgan Murphy's yawning. No, I'm watching the Blazers game. She's yawning at the Blazers, not us.

I'm watching the game and I'm wondering why Golden State's winning without Durant. I'm wondering if people are going to go, oh, if they dominate without... Is it because it's the first quarter of an NBA game? It is. But I worry that people are going to say, oh, they're dominating without Durant because they have better chemistry without Durant because Durant was a mistake.

Blah, blah, blah. Save it for the podcast. Okay. Anyway... So this kid, he's doing this thing. It was very venomous about military. But like a lot of bits we do, you have to hear the whole thing through. Yeah, you can't walk in. If you hear the premise and you go, what did you say? Well, hear me out.

It's not all 30-second YouTube youtube friendly you have to hear the entire bit and yeah well he before he did he just stood up from the back of the audience with his dungaree vest that had some kind of military hell's like a military biker patch kind of thing like the rocker was like he was the only guy in that fucking motorcycle group. Yeah, he went right up to the stage, which is that – but that was – I was off in the back, and someone came up to me and said – the manager came up and said, should we do something? And I look up, and it's you, Erickson, and I'm all, he's got this.

Because the last thing I want to do is have someone go up there and make it weirder. Because unless he got on stage or something like that, so now all of a sudden their staff is like, the guy came straight up to the stage, crossed his arms, and then said something about, I just want to have a dialogue. I just want to hear the rest of what you got to say. Is the speaker not

working in the back sir? No that's what Erickson said. Oh you can't do that from your seat? I said that's interesting because they gave me this device I'm holding in my hand that allows my voice to be spread through the whole club you can hear it no matter where you're sitting. And then the security started coming

close to you and then you did the best thing you can do to show that you're in control. You, around the back of his head, gave the fanning motion to the security. I got this. I got this. Without losing eye contact with him so he would think something's up. And that's when I throw it to the manager. I go, I'll tell you if we need to get involved. And that is really, that's what we.

Then he went and sat back down. Well, I'm not going to tout myself, but I walked out on stage and mirrored his position and crossed my arms next to Erickson and said, you know what? We're an army of three you're one and our third carlos valencia is nowhere to be found and uh no other military people jumped up to get his back so yeah you are an army of one if you want to talk shit in a comedy club. The one funny thing that I thought happened

after that was, after that I did the dumb joke I have about Jared from Subway. And I said, wouldn't it be funny if during this Jared from Subway bit, a pedophile walked up to the stage

and crossed his arms and stood there and said, I just want to hear what you have to say about this. I want to hear every word. None of those guys are stuck. You know there's a few in here. Erickson, I think it was your first CD you put out. Erickson's first CD,

Morgan, was just him fighting with hecklers. It's called Exile on Pain Street. Yeah, that's right. In Peoria at this shithole club. It's the fucking worst. But that would be the greatest.

Because as a comic, you would agree that your best moments to you are when you came up with something under duress and you fucking nailed it. If you could just get a sampling of you saying the right thing at the right time when it's all fucked up. And when it's not set up like fucking some comics do who have YouTube channels who have comic owns heckler and it's all fucking set up bullshit. No, his name's not Jamie Kennedy. I'm not going to say his name because he's a fucking piece of shit.

I always thought that if videos about Heckler's destroying comedians went viral, I'd be famous. Because I can't fight back. I have a buddy named Jeff Bailey from Peoria who's a really funny kid. He actually did a video called Heckler Owns Comedian and it was all set up where the heckler just owned him and then he quit comedy because it was like he was so destroyed.

But it was the exact same video just completely in reverse. It was really, really great. In the last couple nights, Morgan, you said, I don't usually react to hecklers, but you said. What did I say? I don't know. You told me.

I missed it because I was out smoking. Oh. That's the only time I don't listen to my friends. The last few nights, I've been all right because your crowd gets mouthy. You don't care about the other comics. Your crowd gets mouthy. It don't care about the other comics. Your crowd gets mouthy. I had – it was good practice and fighting back verbally. She's seen nothing.

The person one time on a tour said something to her. But no, you told me – you repeated it to me and it was hilarious and I forget what it was. I don't know what I said. All right. I think in Lincoln. Was that last night? Yeah. Yeah, you snapped back quick.

Like I think it's maybe that something – you know, I will say something and then there's always that one person that says something again. Yeah. But that's the – I didn't notice that about you, but you have like more of a rapid fire. You just keep kind of going. If it happens, it happens, but I'm not good at it, and I pray that nobody yells at me, and you should take the price tag off your pajamas. Never.

No, no. I told them to leave it on like mini-pearl. We're all – oh, well, you are wearing your dress. That dress is – I'm wearing my dress. You found a dress that fits you in a vintage store. What does that mean? It's because you are a larger size. Like, I'm a my dress. You found a dress that fits you in a vintage store. What does that mean? It's because you are a larger size.

Like, I'm a regular size. No, it is. Vintage means 1950s where people were svelte like madmen. Right. And I'm also almost six feet tall. And it's to find a long dress that fits. It's beautiful. What's the name of the store?

I don't remember the name of that store. Second Skin. Second Skin. Second Skin, right? Oh, right Thank you Second Skin Vintage And everything was super overpriced there But this pajama suit Which totally fits me was $15 It's very overpriced

But everything else was When I walked in she said Can I help you find anything Because we were over at Decade of Decor While you were there And she said can I help you find anything? Because we were over at Decade of Decor while you were there. And she said, can I help you find anything? I go, no. My friends that were just in here, if there was anything good, Shaley's the same size, he would have already grabbed it.

It was like, are you being served, that British thing? You walk in, and she's like, you're a valet, to try and help you find something. I'm like, I'm not even telling Doug where we're at. Let's move on for the listener. Athens. Athens. We have to name the bands.

Because I don't know. After the show, Athens was great. After the show, there were two bands playing upstairs. The Unlikely Candidates and Fame Riot. Yeah. So Chaley's settling up. two bands playing upstairs the uh unlikely unlikely candidates yeah and fame riot yeah so chaley's settling up and i go out to smoke on the upper deck outside place where the bands are playing and outdoor right outdoor outdoor bar you can still smoke in georgia for a limited time only and that fucking band, Fame Ride. I missed Unlikely Candidates, who were heralded as being great.

But I got there late. Fame Ride was fucking phenomenal. And I was drunk. I was dancing. I was fucking dancing. I'm like, come out here. No, we were leaving because we were going to go to a club around the not a club a bar where no one goes to

yeah and something Canada Max Canada good memory I called you from the van and I'm like where are you and you're like do you gotta get up you couldn't hear anything I'm saying you're yelling get up here you won't believe

I wish I had been there. I've never seen you dance. It was so good. I was fucking dancing. House of Bricks is the only other time I've seen you like the band. And it was a guy who was in Slipknot. No, there was one time in Jacksonville where I gave away that jacket. The underbelly.

The underbelly. I always tell my friends that if I'm dancing, ever, ever dancing, don't let me leave with anyone. That is how I must be. I must be so hammered that I go, don't let me leave. Even if I go like, this guy's great. I don't know him. I shouldn't leave with him.

I'm leaving with a girl like you. Tell me to dance. I always tell people to dance. I always tell people to remind me I can make 10 times the money by not leaving Los Angeles. Alright, that's all I got for Asheville. That's also where we try to fix

his phone. We don't need to talk about that. That sounds thrilling. Usually I have a merch booth That sounds thrilling. Hang on. Usually I have a merch booth, but in Athens, Mishka let us use his merch booth. You remember the shit he had? He had half of a six-foot table.

He did three songs. Morgan, you say, oh, I don't have merch. I have one thing. I never sell it. Mishka, who has like eight songs in his whole career, has 75 albums, 85 T-shirts. Yeah, he has his own merch booth. He did three songs. He's got a merch booth that you'd think he was Gene Simmons.

But, you know, I've got this here, but also I've got the Mishka Shubali coffin that if you could order online. I take orders here. He had four shirts. Do you want layaway? We have layaway. Actually, there's a Mishka shibali uh credit

card if i won't take five minutes we are huge fans of mishka shibali if he's a guy hang on i gotta say this he's the guy that said hey i just moved to atlantic and i do the atlanta dates uh because i'm trying to you know get my foot in the local ground new to town yeah and then he's like hey uh what's the money money you're asking to be on the show the money is your giant fucking merch booth of a thousand things point of interest sales yeah you have uh mishka candies in case your kid is i thought it was i thought it was weird that he was selling the national inquirer like that seemed odd to me i guess it just goes by the register, you know? Asheville is the best.

The Great Eagle. Always the best. Someone asked me tonight what was the best gig, and I go, I have to, because I can't remember all of them. The Great Eagle, I love that fucking bar. It's the next gig. It was a fun show. It was the best for me. I know.

Asheville is, oh, the Great Eagle is always great, but you know it's going to be great. The Passmores were there, and they left without saying goodbye. I tried to get them, go grab your seats and then come back out to the smoking area, but they didn't come back, and I don't know. Either way, they were the people that, it's a long story. I'm going to skip the mushroom story because we've talked about it. that is a long story.

I'm going to skip the mushroom story because we've talked about it. Yeah. But they're great friends and I felt like I let them down because I never saw them again. Oh, that dude. Who's the guy that draws the pictures? The artist, Brian Lewis Saunders.

He's totally like our buddy Jason. Just say his name again. Let people look him up. Brian Lewis Saunders. Look him up. He's trippy. And I was hoping that we would get to talk to him and maybe do a podcast with him because he's very interesting. And yeah, Brian Lewis Saunders.

Look him up. He somehow thought that they were clearing everyone out of there. He said through a friend of ours, Jason Fury, that he was bum rushed out of there. Or is it Jet Lacey? I don't know. But they were trying to get everyone to stay. I know. We stayed for a band that would have been

great, except they were dicks. They were worse than Guns N' Roses, which we've been listening to. Where I thought no one was in there after the show. They're playing after us, and no one's in the room. Everyone has left, or they're in the smoking patio.

200-seater. They cleared all the chairs out of there. And we hear them starting to play, and then they start to get into it. And I made everyone that's all trying to talk to me at once, and I'm trying to put on the fake smile where I'm like, bingo. Now I'm brain damaged, too. I can't do two conversations at once. Hey, let's all go listen to the band.

And it's a hip hop band called Viva La Hop. If you want to look them up. And they have a horn section. Eight dudes on stage. Yeah. Well, they're allegedly a hip-hop band. No one knows. We don't know because they started into these tunes.

And I'm like, I love this. I love horns. I love all of that. And then they started infighting. Sound man, can I? And then the trombone players bitching, no, I need more in the fucking monitors. I need you to pull a little 2K out of the snare. This is the thing.

It wasn't even that they had started to play. That was a sound. They were sound checking. Doug was on stage. No, I know. But they were sound checking. They sound checked for an hour. They sound checked for an hour.

And then at one point, it sounded like the sound check was going to come together and call us into a show. Here's our first song. This was literally an hour later. And it started. So then Doug was like, oh, shit, they're starting. And since no one was in the room, he was going to go in there, get on the mic, and get everyone in the merch area, smoking area, to come back in and watch this band.

So he jumped up on stage, started. And then they were like, no, we're definitely not starting. I was trying to, the same way at the Fun House where i try to rap battle kenny who's like he's a tomato can in the boxing parlance i know morgan's a big boxing fan yeah so yeah i i try to uh rap battle kenny just getting people in and then that's when the infighting in the band started. And we're like, let's get the fuck out of here and go to bed. When we left, after Viva La Hop had sound checked for over an hour. And then?

They were gone. Left? They were gone. They went on break. They never actually played that I saw. No, no. I'm sure they played eventually. Well, yeah, to no one.

You went on stage and did your rap battle thing, and then there was some kind of kerfuffle on stage, and then I heard the manager, Russ, comes over, and he's talking to the guy, I think Nick, running the front thing, and he goes, just give them four more drink tickets. This whole thing of them stopping was because they needed more drink tickets for eight guys in the band. And then that's what we fucking

said. By the way, we are the people that are going to have to give away handles of pop-up vodka in Atlanta because everyone not everyone,

five people have brought us plastic jug handles of shitty aristocrat or Papa Vodka, where we did the math. We did an audit today. If we really powered down and never bought a drink outside of the room and tried to drink all this vodka we would be dead in the seven days we have left and i i hate just i can't dump even nine dollar jugs of vodka.

I'm not pouring them down the drain. I'm going to have to give them back. Well, let's move on. Spartanburg! Spartanburg. It's the first time I ever heard hip-hop banding, the word kerfuffle combined into a story. Well, I was surprised the band didn't want to just start playing.

I was just going to say, we have to speed through Spartanburg because Morgan Murphy doesn't show up until the next night. We should speed through Spartanburg, much like the food at the junction sped through our intestines. Oh, I have junction in my nose. Wait, do you want to start with the out-of-order hotel, though? Well, the out-of-order, I have that down, too. Out-of-order.

I don't know what you got in your notes. We stayed. This is where I texted everybody a picture of Ground Zero from the outside at noon. Spartanburg is Spartan and a burg. And if you see the picture I tweeted of Ground Zero, the place we play, it's like Porky's in the most industrial area of the most nowhere town. It's beside a scrapyard. Yeah.

It's beside a scrapyard. Yeah. It's not. You're like, how long has this been closed? Since the 70s? It looks more like Ground Zero than the Ground Zero you're thinking of. Good work. But it's a great guy. I've played there three times.

That was my favorite show, Jaylee. It was my favorite show. They say the capacity is 650 people. There's no way. Our lowest turnout, I think it was 63 or 82 people in a 650. Well, if they took the seats out, yeah, you could stand that many people in there if you were going to gas them with Zyklon B. Sure, sure, you could. That capacity is how high we can stack the bodies.

But there is such a great audience. And that's the thing. What's your favorite place to play? The shittiest yeah the most appreciative yeah they fucking loved everything I it was the first time I felt the

worm turn on maybe I do have an act go off script this is substitute teacher of comedy and that's the I i rift so much where i go oh fuck maybe maybe i can make an act out of this maybe again i don't know how many times you've felt like i i'm never going to be a stand-up again i i'm out of ideas nothing's funny and spartanburg brought me

back to that oh wait maybe i could one more time i'm too old for this shit but we need you so spartanburg is fucking fantastic that's my favorite of this tour. And we had to fucking leave. Thank you, owner guy that cries a lot and gets real sensitive. I know you went through a lot trying to get Ground Zero back. Just to keep it open, because that was a different venue.

You could smoke in the bar, Murph. You fucking appreciate this. I do. We could smoke in the bar murph you fucking appreciate this i do we could smoke in the bar and there's only 63 people the 650 seater but you can sit and smoke at the bar let's hang out and then still too many people sit and blah, blah, blah. Just one time, can't I just sit around and hang out with you and not have to address all of your problems? Like the old days with my mullet, can't I just be like that where I stunk and no one talked to me? I just want to hang out in the same bar.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Brett and I were talking. That's a very interesting place. The backstage area was kind of outside with a fence around it, and you could actually pee and make a drink at the same time. We had a picnic table.

There's no way to explain this. Go ahead. Yeah, we had a picnic table with our portable bar on it. But then if you had to pee and you were a boy, you could just pee up against the fence and it would just run down onto the ground. There was a gap between the floor of the porch and the fence where it warped. And I could just pee. But there was also a drop. So at one point, I was peeing and there was a dude coming over to get his car, which was right by where I was peeing.

So if he would have looked over, he could have just seen a stream of pee coming down and been like, I don't know. How does – wait. Broken pipe. I was going to ask you what's under there because I remember a friend of mine peeing over a rail one time, and then he looked over, and there was a person sleeping down there, and it was horrific. That happened to me. It's in my book, but you never really read it. I listened to chapters. I did.

I read it. That was on Curzon Avenue right next to 7-Eleven after coming out of the pikey. Or after the coaching horses. I could pull up pictures of Morgan Murphy showing me a picture of her with my book saying, I'm reading it again. And that brought up stuff. I read a lot of it. She's holding it upside down.

She never fucking read it. She's a liar. She's a filthy liar. But let's get to the next night. Greensboro, the idiot box. Remember when we walked down stage and there's like 40 seats in that theater downstairs at the idiot box?

And you're like, hang on. No, this is where we pick up Murphy. And I texted her she flew in from Philly she flew in from Philly and I trusted GPS which said it's five minutes from the airport to and I

texted her going it's literally five minutes it's easier for you to get a cab than us to try to find you at whatever and find a cell phone lot. Well, it was like 20 minutes and her sushi was hot by the time she got there. I had a great driver, Uber driver, who I said I was opening for a comedian and he was like, my friends aren't going to believe I picked you.

He was so excited to pick me up. A comedian? Yeah, he just said a comedian. Like, not any comedian would have... A person who's not a comedian who said they were a comedian would have excited him. Morgan, you're hot shit, man. Well, I try. He could tell.

He was very sweet. That sushi bar was a great fucking find, though. Yeah. That's one of those things you don't expect. And then we were staying at an old hotel, and we couldn't figure out why we were so far from the gig. And then it's because two months ago, the idiot box, the sign is still up.

Idiot box right here beside this hotel. No, they moved two months ago. But Hennigan booked us two months ago. Two months ago, but a great fucking fine to get that hotel. Hey. Hang on. We should mention.

Let's take a break because I want to not do a disservice to the Idiot Box. We can just keep going. Let's finish Idiot Box. He's got Moe's there. I wanted to mention Moe Alexander. Then let's go. I was just going to mention mo alexander all right then let's go i was just gonna piss you're gonna take over once i start we get to the idiot box and we walk in

it's a coffee shop it's the peach pit from friends it's there's no way you can make this a venue there's couches facing each other there's no stage and chaley goes no it's downstairs in the 99 seat theater and i we're doing 99 seats why don't we take the night off we don't need the money that bad and downstairs it's like a a broke ass 99 seat still no stage and one of the seats is missing if you remember that one seat is busted out and i said morgan murphy could sit in that next to a man of my stature and still be taller. Yeah. She could sit on the floor. What you said was you looked at the broken seat, and you go, oh, I guess it's just a 98-seater.

But it's not even 98 down there. It's like 45 or something. 99 was upstairs where we ended up doing the show. But it's a theater. Yeah, they were watching on a screen. No. You're skipping. I'm skipping?

Yes, you're skipping. Okay, I'm sorry. I said, oh, this is terrible because there's no stage down there. But it's a small, tiny 98-seat theater. And then I'm going, oh, fuck, this is the worst. And there was a stool in the front where there's no stage, and I go, well, Chaley's one job is done.

At least he put a stool on the non-stage where I need to put a drink. And then she goes, oh, you're not playing down here. You're playing upstairs in the peach pit. With couches. Yeah, like friends. With all glass front window with the sun setting on that side

where the sun's going to be beaming through into a fucking coffee shop. You're playing a fucking Starbucks. The door opening next to the stage. Like, if you had to come into that space while we were on stage, you would have just walked into the side of the stage. If you had to come into that space while we were on stage, you would have just walked into the side of the side of a comedian. Well, this is before they had a stage. When we first saw it...

No, but I knew where the stage would be based on the speakers. No, there was no stage. Yeah, but there were speakers. Well, yes. I could not imagine where they would put anything other than a coffee shop in that coffee shop. Jenny and Steve did a great shop in that coffee shop. Jenny and Steve

did a great job. They transformed everything. You say the nice things after because what we did, Brett and Murphy and I decide let's get, or I decided for us as the leader of the platoon

let's go get as drunk as possible because this can't go well. Let's get shit-faced. And Brett said, there's a bar right next door. Yeah. Like a whiskey bar. With a guy on his phone who controlled the jukebox or the Bluetooth speaker and kept asking, Doug, what's your favorite 90s song?

I'll play it. You keep cutting ahead. Oh, I thought that was part of it. You said Boo Radley's. I didn't know that. I'm sorry. Wasn't that the same bit? Was it the same bar?

Same bar. I'm sorry. I didn't know there was this thing. I think Doug's trying to pay it out real slow. Okay, Doug, I'll back it up. That didn't happen. Go ahead. No, it did.

Oh, I'm going to say it didn't. First, when we sat down, a biker said, I'm going to be an asshole. Hey, are you Doug Stanhope? That's when it starts. Then every other person in the bar was only there waiting for the show. The biker wasn't even actually going to the show. He knew I'd be there. And then we

go up. I'll just cut to. Then we go up back. Everyone knows us. I avoid the audience beforehand, but this time I don't care because I would have canceled the show if I could. You did a thing that I don't see you do often, but when you walk into some place and then you

see like what you saw there, you immediately start leaving. And then I have to go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And you're like, I'm leaving. And I'm like, I know. I have to fix this. I can do it. But at the same time, I'm like, don't be discouraged. We'll fix this.

It'll be okay. And I saw that look in your eye. If I could right now, I would cancel this. That's for Chico and the men. Chico, don'll be okay. I saw that look in your eye. If I could right now, I would cancel this. It's a song for Chico and the Man. Chico, don't be discouraged. The Man is a... So we go over.

We start hitting the fucking whiskey. And then the part I said before? We go out back to smoke. There's a smoking patio. We find the silver lining in the cloud. That's an awesome deck, by the way. It's beautiful.

And then the guy. And then what? Oh, and then the part I said before. Okay, I can say it now. I was just holding on to that. I'm sorry. No, I just feel bad that I skipped ahead 14 seconds. I bet the audience wishes they could.

The part I was going to say. I'm going to pee. And then the guy, it was a nice guy. That guy, he played some fucking... Are you talking about the biker guy? The guy who, no, no, no, no. It was a guy in like a weird nerd shirt. Like by nerd shirt, I mean like had like a code on his shirt. Do you know what I mean?

And he was like, what do you want to hear? And he was controlling the speakers. And he would ask Doug, what's your favorite 90s song? And Doug would be like, I don't know this. And he'd go, we already played that. Name another one. And he was aggressive. And Doug finally found a song.

Shouldn't you have been more accurate or more specific? Like, what's your favorite 90s song that I haven't played in the past six hours that I've been here? County Crows. What, Doug? When they said that, Murphy's just counting off all sorts of four non-blondes. She's yelling. Oh, yeah. I was like yelling Indigo Girls.

I was doing an Indigo Girls. I was like Galileo. Oh, yeah. I was like yelling indigo girl. I was doing an indigo girls. I was like Galileo. I got excited. Well, I feel my vibe. That's what Murphy does.

When you ask me a question, she answers for me with her answer. Yeah. What's your favorite 90 song? And I'm scratching

my fucking bald skull. I'll tell you it's indigo girls for non bald skull. She's like, I'll tell you, it's Indigo Girls, four non-blondes. And I go, well, I guess it would be Mr. Jones and me already played it in anticipation of you answering that. And I went with County, well, let's stay with County Crows.

I've been here before and I deserve a little more Rain King. But then he kept playing shit. The guy did due diligence on what I like, because he played Joe's Garage by Frank Zappa. And then I went out to find him, and he wasn't there. Anyway, I had given up on the show. I did six shots of whiskey in 45 minutes with an hour and 15 left before the show. I want to cancel. I wouldn't ever do that to my fans.

I can't claim I had to cancel for exhaustion when they've seen me at the bar next door. I can't fucking Whitney Houston this. Well, you could have killed yourself. They made it into a kind of a venue. Yeah, it was great. Listen. It was great, but also because they loaded it in before. We got there earlier than we would have normally gotten there.

And we did that because we Ubered. We got there and it wasn't their fault. They fucking put it together. They did a good job. It's like you showed up for a date before the person put makeup on. An hour before they thought you were going to be there. I don't know about this.

And you're like, just wait in the living room for an hour and you'll like what comes out. I feel like that was... You'll be drunk when I come out. And you won't fuck me until it's dark. It's going to be so much better. It's going to be amazing. Good lighting, you'll be wasted.

And they were so nice and I felt so bad for getting so plowed. If you saw the before and after, you would have gotten shit-faced too. And it was nice and we met a couple nice people. Mo Alexander. Double booked.

And they didn't want to tell me. I'm like, Mo, what are you doing here? I'm not supposed to say. Did you get double booked? So he did get double booked. Double booked means they forgot to tell him he was canceled because I was coming in.

And he's a good friend. And so I brought him up to co-open. You put him up there to start the show. The stage. Remember, listener, when I said there was no stage? Oh, they had cobbled together a stage. Pinocchio. Who built Pinocchio?

Geppetto. Geppetto built a stage that does not hold Moe Alexander. Yeah, and if you thought it would hold Moe Alexander, its nose would have grown. If you thought it would hold Moe Alexander, its nose would have grown. Moe Alexander is a giant gentleman. But he couldn't even lift a foot up from one angle. But then he went to the front of the stage. He's got the triad cane. The hurry cane.

It's a three-pronged cane. He has some health issues, too, that he's coming off of. Yeah, it's called Fat. Giant, like, my 600-pound hilarious life fat. My 600-pound double-boot comic friend.

Comic standing with my 600-pound life, it would be called Who's that funny fat guy that's going to die trying to step up six or five inches to get on a makeshift stage. Last comic

leaning. Leaning down. It's like Breaking Bad leaning down. Mo Alexander, he crushed it on the spot. I did that show on a wig. Oh, that's right, yeah.

I found a wig downstairs, and I did the whole thing. You came up with a joke to start off with. Oh, that's right. It was the... Docking. Yeah, I said I was in the... You got double booked. I got double booked like Mo.

I was supposed to be playing here with my docking tribute band, Faking the Chains. So good. I don't get it either. They had a song called Breaking the Chains. Don't go breaking my chains. Yeah, that's exactly how it went. That's where Morgan

would chime in if you couldn't, if you tried. I don't even fake sing. This is the most important part of this podcast, Killer Termites. Do you have the name of the place? Wait. Because after we left there, I tried to not sell merch at all.

You made me come up for a few people. And they were really nice people, the people that booked the place. Very nice. And I'm sorry that I sandbagged it based on the daytime, no makeup version. I don't have it. But we went to that fucking pizza place. Oh, I got the picture. That was in. Let's just pause.

We'll pretend to take a break and let him look it up, because this is the most important part. This was in Greensboro. Greensboro, yeah. Let's take a break and let him look it up because this is the most important part. This was in Greensboro. Greensboro. Yeah. Let's take a break. Are you having legal trouble and don't know where to turn? Trying to find an attorney you can trust.

Do you think you've been cheated out of contingent compensation of back end proceeds from third parties in the territory defined as North America and Mexico, including, but not limited to all ancillary and subsidiary rights, whether audio only video only, Thank you. Not me. Call Eric Greenspan at the law offices of My Man Greenspan, Feynman, Fox, Rosenberg and Life. Eric Greenspan. When physical intimidation isn't enough. Call Eric Greenspan. 310-820-7717. And keep calling.

Mention Kenny for Mayor and get 10% discount. This advertisement has been approved. Are we on? It's going on without chaley oh brett erickson made a fucking i made a producer decision yep greensboro i didn't remember this until we're trying to go through the notes. But Pizza D'Italiano. I don't remember what bars we might have been in late night in Greensboro by the hotel. But we went to a pizza place that has pizza by the slice. And that downtown, if that is downtown Greensboro, it's very very black. It's hugely black people, day and night.

And we go into this pizza place where they're very Greek or anti-black is what we found out. Turns out, yeah. Restrooms for customers

only. And it's like a late night drunk place and they have it's not fucking New York City so we're all ordering pizza shit-faced and a mixed race couple, black dude

and his maybe Dominican girlfriend they're both not white or greek or italian for that matter that kind of want to be white how about that how about that i shit on you i should do a race i should do a race now so this girl's and she's a 22-year-old nice girl, and she tries to sneak past like any pizza place you've ever been in New York City, tries to walk past towards the restroom. It's not crowded. It's not junky alley.

And where are you going? Where are you going? Well, because I just wanted to go to the bathroom. And they go, no, no, customer. And I had already ordered my slice. And I go, you know what? Fuck you. Fuck your slice.

I'm out of here. You can't let someone piss. It's Greensboro. I don't even understand. I was about to give a takeaway for New York City where some junkie might shoot up. What's the worst that's going to happen if someone shoots up? You fucking girl has to piss. She's not going to open a bookstore in your bathroom. Would you rather that junkie or girl peed or shut up in front of your restaurant the bathroom's the best place for it

you're keeping it off the street yeah so uh we all uh even murph yeah we all ordered three out Three out of four of us went, fuck you, you fucking cocksucker. Let me say again, Pizza D'L'Italiano. Oh, L'Italiano. Pizza L'Italiano. Dare we take business away from Gitaliano. At 219 Elm Street in Greensboro, I haven't gotten around to writing a Yelp review or a Trip Advisor or anything that you might write

because I'm trying to work on an act. But if you do, because they hate people of color, and I base this on the fact that when we went across the street to a fucking Jimmy John's,

got a sandwich instead. Well, Brett Erickson, the one trader. My pizza slice was about to come out of the oven, guys. I was really hungry. I'm like, come on, man. It's right. I can see it. You're like the guy who when people are trying to integrate diners, you were like, but they got a good sandwich.

Look at that. I don't know. That French dip is so good. I got the first seat on the lunch counter. In my defense, as shitty as Pizza L'Italiano might be, protesting by paying Jimmy John's money is the worst way to do it because that is owned by the shittiest most cock suckiest guy who's ever owned a fucking but i hate that guy okay whitey's gotta eat yeah i just gotta say whitey's gotta eat but i also hate that guy where you're like i'm not gonna buy i'm not gonna shop there i'm gonna shop here and they're like no no no

you can't shop there or i'm gonna shop there no no no you can't shop no no no jimmy johns is for real that dude there are thousands of pictures of that guy with but we were shooting for the fucking leopards and shit that he's just murdered he's a fucking piece of shit well that this and i would never eat it this guy was a piece of shit human in the moment in front of us would you rather eat somewhere where people treat people like shit or people treat animals like shit? Where people treat people like shit. Animals are better than people. I will stand by that.

I will fuck. I'll go to my fucking place. I'm with you. Morgan's with you, too. I don't know why she asked that question. I know. I was just curious. Imagine someone shot your dog and fucking ate it as a fucking trophy fucking.

You want me to cry on a podcast? Is that what's happening? Yes. Jimmy John's fucking owner would fucking hunt your dog, jack down and fucking shoot him. But we didn't eat at Jimmy John's house. Or his dog. We ate at a franchise where the guy would let that girl pee.

Yeah. So it's a difference. But Erickson went in. We saw a guy be a fucking hump and his kids or nephews it was a family of fucking humps and they all defended each other

they were shitty and I was wrong but I was really hungry pizza l'italiano 219 Elm Street in Greensboro Illinois Illinois? whatever the fucking north carolina north carolina there's basically the same state um but so and when i met when i walked over wolf down my slice and walked over and met you guys at jimmy john's and we all agreed what would

happen next i went back into pizza the italiano well we kind of pulled your card since you were the traitor that didn't join the boycott and support the racist cause, which wasn't even a racist cause. We're playing the black eye and playing the race card for you. They're just going to hopefully jump on board because they were of mixed race and they wouldn't let a young girl pee i i pulled brett erickson's card and said hey since you're the one who ate the pizza and didn't join the boycott will you go back and record yourself saying hey i just ate your pizza can i go take a piss yeah i didn't even do that. I went in and I just walked in. I'm like, I got to pee.

And I went and then the guy said, oh, you have to be a customer. And I'm like, I just was a customer and I just kept on going. And they're like, okay. And it was fine. But you recorded it. Yeah, I recorded it.

But I mean, that is a little different. You did. They should have remembered me. Maybe they just remembered me. It was a hugely racist day. You made a decision in the moment. We're calling them. You guys would have a fucking perfect argument against me being a piece of shit for eating a slice of pizza from these assholes if you hadn't gone to Jimmy John's instead because they're way worse.

We would have been better off. They're way worse. I will stand by that. No, that guy is not the guy. Just because Jimmy John wasn't at the Jimmy John's. Did you eat at McDonald's? I just watched the founder with Ray Kroc who fucked over the people that he stole the business from. All right, we fell asleep at the end.

We don't know. The point is that the story of Ray Kroc, people specifically were pieces of shit. I'm calling La Pizza L'Italiana. Pizza L'Italiana. Do you want to do it on speaker? Here's the number 336-274-4810 it's a Wednesday

so they might not be open or maybe hopefully they're not open anymore but if you want to they're only a bathroom now here's the thing maybe they looked at your number and it seemed black what are you saying Maybe they looked at your number and it seemed black. What are you saying?

It's a fucking 323? All right, I don't even know. That's an old... Yeah, they're not answering. Yeah, they're not answering. I would encourage you to leave Yelp reviews, but I would only encourage people. I'm not encouraging you to leave Yelp reviews. I'm saying if you did,

you would have to be a very good creative writer where you could maybe wait a few days, remember, and then have a different angle. Don't just say what we said. Your pizza tasted like piss, which is ironic because I wasn't allowed to pee in your restaurant. See, that would be what you... I would recommend that interracial couples go in there and try to piss and see how many people are allowed to piss.

and see how many people are allowed to piss. As long as everyone had like a different idea, but they just copy what you said and they say it poorly. We need the killer termite elites where we audition you, where you can go, I have my own tact on this. But yeah, I was so fucking angry that night. You were fired up. I think that you were legitimately taking out your idiot box

rage on Pizza Letaliano. I'll be honest with you. I was about to say that. Once I hate myself, I hate you and everyone else. It was a shitty thing they did. Well, Richmond, I hated myself that night, and I wanted everyone else to take the blame.

I told them I hated them. We had the night off. That was when Murphy was going, why do you think you did bad? Why are you saying the audience sucked? Well, tonight we both said the audience sucked, and she killed, so that's why. No, but you say that a lot. You say you did bad

when you do good. So I ask you why you think that. Because I play to myself and I hated me that night and I wanted a refund. Okay. No refunds, by the way. Which is available on the website. It's all I remember of Richmond

other than two nights later thinking I was still in Richmond. We had an off night. We had an extra day. Richmond is the night. Easter Sunday. Richmond is the night where the Odells from Tampa came to hang out, and that was fun. It was great to see them. I also got a funny tagline from a kid

named, I think, Ryan Silverson. Something Silverson. I just wanted to give him a shout out because it was fucking killer and it's been crushing since. Yeah, it's pretty good. We did go looking for an Easter meal and found some Easter brunch.

It's like Easter brunch. Remember the restaurant that we liked that we went to three times? We were at the Short Pump Town Center. Dylan was our bartender. Gavin. We had two.

Our bartender at the Firebird. I've seen Gavin at the hotel. Oh, yeah. Gavin was great. We were there on an off night A Saturday Which we all kind of just hung out

And then we thought we'd have our day off At this huge sprawling mall Yeah Beautiful complex No it's fucking hideous Completely closed But we thought we could just window shop And walk around and do things

Completely closed Easter Sunday closed. But we thought we could just window shop and walk around and do things. Completely closed on Easter Sunday. Easter Sunday. Other side of the coin, our day off is Saturday because that's when all the fucking humps come out. We take Saturdays off. And before I retire

from this business, I'll just do sunday monday tuesdays when people who work like we work for a living our bartenders our wait staff the nights they have off i'll work those and those alone yeah for now we take saturdays off because saturday motherfuckers and this adult destination mall in richmond was pile on to the pat i i couldn't leave the hotel i go if you guys want to eat i'm gonna eat out of the pantry at the hyatt. They have lean cuisine microwave. I'll do that. And you found a place that was literally the next door

over. Chaley did. Yeah. A hotel that has a microwave in their room knows that everything around that hotel is shit. They're just like, we know you're going to want to stay there. Firebird was good. We'll sell you a hot pocket. Firebird was good. One place. I'll take credit for this Pocket. No, no, no. That was great. That was our place. One-on-one place. I'll take credit for this.

I said, let's get there before 5 because that's when all the humps are going to come in. It was empty at 4.50 p.m. And we sat down at the bar where we could eat at the bar. And at 5.05, it was clustered with all these fucking hump Easter weekend goiter fucking off tomorrow. We had a nice dinner with Dylan, and then we ate there late night. The next day, Sunday, it was one of the only places open because the entire mall shuts down. Everything was shut down for Easter, except for the $50 Easter brunches that we bypassed. shut down for Easter?

Except for the $50 Easter brunches that we bypassed. All that was open was restaurants with brunches for Easter and this entire it's like a city block. That cluster bomb that they dropped. The Moab. Mother of all bombs.

Would have blown this place up except for the extremities. Except there would have been no casualties. 18 people, yeah. Because no one was there because it was fucking closed. Fucking awful. Just us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Feast for famine. It would have killed 32 people in pastels, and that's it. Well, you can't keep this going without me. I'm just trying to get some progress. No, do you want to keep going to... Anyway. Are you done with Richmond?

Richmond. No. Yeah, I guess we're done with Richmond. I hated it. I hated my show. I hated being there. That's where the club is. The nice people.

Yeah, club was nice. Clay Shoff went up. Clay Shoff went up. Jason Dixon ran the club. Everyone was nice there. Yeah, the club was nice. Clay Schoaf went up. Jason Dixon ran the club. Everyone was nice there. I thought they were great. I thought the club was great. I liked it. There's not been a dick.

No, everyone's been great. Everyone that ran shows are great. We were talking about it. The green room there is right in line with where everyone goes to the bathroom. Yeah, they got to walk past. And you can't hear, if you've got a club, if you can't hear the stage in the green room. I'm with you on this. In the UK, and you've played over there,

if you're in a theater anywhere, they have a speaker in the green room. Even if you have to go 17 flights down archaic stairs you can still hear the stage so you know what's going on and that's one of many things in u.s comedy that they don't have you should be able to hear what the fuck's going on stage without going into the crowd, the door open, or maybe if you stop booking people, no one gives a fuck about. So they don't know the guy that they're there to see is standing beside them going,

Hey, I'm not listening to your other acts because I'm going to yell at you. Cause you're standing out there wanting to listen to the people that you booked with you because you like them but we don't care we just yeah put put a speaker and possibly a tv since we have that kind of uh technology now it's a simple fix green room fix this well the the hard fix is getting put a baby monitor on stage oh we should roll with that roll the baby monitor

write it down Morgan write it down the hard fix is getting Morgan Murphy to shut the fuck up while I'm trying to listen to the other acts I don't oh I'm sorry

I just gave Shaley a great idea to the other acts. I don't... Oh, I'm sorry. Were you here? I just gave Shaley a great idea. Great idea. I love that. You rammed a half-assed insult down my throat, and it's fine. No, Morgan knows that it's no problem to talk to you during the other acts

because there's no speaker in the green room anyway, so you can't hear them. You got to hear something. You might as well just talk to Morgan. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. For the green room anyway, so you can't hear them. You got to hear something. You might as well just talk to Morgan. I'm kidding, for the record. Hey, listening public, I'm kidding. She doesn't talk.

She's on Twitter while we're on stage. Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. And then, hey, you want to see a picture of my dog? Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. I think that everyone wants to see a picture of my dog? Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. I think that everyone wants to see a picture of my dog. We do. Jack is a beautiful animal. He's a great dog. I said to her tonight, I'm going to just keep saying Morgan Murphy on stage

so she keeps running out. That's the only thing that would make her listen to the other comics. But this is an open mic thing too. Like when you do a gig and well, we have three of the local acts that they flyered the place and they did all this promotion and you go, all right,

they're going to go up and do their time and you know it just drags the show out i've said that a two-man three-hour show is less time than a five-man one-hour show like if you have to keep going and now another round of applause and how about a round of applause for them and here's the next guy's a round of applause and like people get more tired the more acts they get more tired than it was two acts doing yeah no but listen

I just thought of this and maybe this is complete bullshit and maybe I'm just it's a podcast but talking about this Morgan you came up doing comedy in Los Angeles yes ma'am and I've only been in Los Angeles for a couple of years. I'm learning about Los Angeles.

And Los Angeles is a fucked up place to learn to do comedy. Sure. It's filled with people who never listen to anyone else do comedy. That's a thing. Try starting on the open mic level where your audience is already even Angelinos. There are people at Youth Hostels who don't speak English. Yeah, no, no, no, no. And your bumper is falling off your car in front of the –

I'm not trying to say it's harder or better or anything. I'm just saying that it's a normal thing. It's a normal thing for the way you learned to do comedy to be in a room with people who aren't listening to the other comics do comedy. I just started doing comedy in Peoria, where we had two comics there that week. And you just watch the show. Everyone watches the show all

the time. I'm used to watching the show. It surprises me that no one in L.A. watches the other comics do their sets. No one does. Everyone's on their phone. I think people do. No, no, no. I think people do at a certain level i absolutely do think like i spent the first six years only ever watching other comedians in

coffee houses and laundromats and bullshit like that and you watch everybody and then at some point you know who you like and you know you don't like and there are people that you run into see and there are people who you go i know they're good and there are people you go i don't want to see them and you kind of divide it that way and you know i know you guys are good and i've seen your sets and i don't listen to all of it every single time but i'm like oh it's a fucking great bit like there are times too where i'll like listen to the whole set i'll go oh that's better than it was three days ago but i don't know i think it's more about trying to bust your balls no no it's not but but I don't even think about it busting my balls.

I think about it more as the longer you're in comedy, the less you go, Oh, I have to see everybody because you know more people. That may be, but honestly, LA, like when I got to LA,

like that's what nobody fucking watches. Nobody. It's all other comics and they're all on their phone or even worse, even worse, talking to another comic in the back of the room while another comic is on stage. But you started in LA at a certain level. You didn't start in LA at the open mic level where everybody is in the back of the room watching everybody else. You started in LA. I'm not calling you to question your ability. I'm just saying the way people consume.A. is to not watch it.

That's not true, though. If you started at a different level, if you went to L.A. and you had never done comedy and you started as an open mic, or you'd watch everyone's set all day because you're like, I don't want to do anything that's been done. I don't want to do anything hacky. But you started already as a person coming in who's established. So you're with people who are established, and those people don't necessarily watch other people's sets. That's the difference. Nobody knows who the fuck I am in L.A.

Nobody. And I have to start from scratch. And I can't get anyone to watch because they don't know who the fuck I am already. And if they don't know who I am already, why watch me? But you could get open micers to watch you at a coffee shop on the street from the comedy store. No, I'm just saying that that's the thing is that at a certain level, everyone watches everyone. And then at another certain level, everyone goes, all right, I know I like him or her. I'm going to interject without knowing anything.

Go ahead. Doesn't Erickson enter into the situation with fresh eyes? Like you've been around the scene. Yes and no. Fresh Eyes, like I said, at that specific level, but I'm saying that I had six, seven years in LA of shows where people only watched everybody else because you're waiting to get

your name drawn out of a hat. You're sitting in the back of a coffee shop. I've done all that shit. Right, but at the comedies... As soon as they draw the names, everyone else leaves. And the people who get their names drawn while the show's going on, they don't

watch anything. They get on their phone or they look at their cell list and they don't watch any comedy. If I might interject, would you watch other comics in LA if you'd been in this clusterfuck of a billion comics are there and you know 99.99 million of them stink? That's exactly my point when I said to her that the reason she has got this – she came up in L.A. where she's used to seeing a whole bunch of terrible comedians.

So it's – I'm going to throw this out there. And she was young and cute and everyone wants to help her with her career. Is that not – Hang on. Is that somewhat correct? Not at all. You got a lot that somewhat correct? Not at all. Is you got a lot of special attention?

Not at all. You started when you were 19. Yeah, yeah, sure. And adorable and innocent, and every Richard Jenny wanted to help you with your act. No, but I think you started at a certain level. So I started as an open mic-er, and all I ever did was sit in a room,

a coffee house on Pico, and wait for my name to be called, and it was a homeless person me, a homeless person David Taylor, a homeless person Nick Yusuf, a homeless person Ari Shafir. It was the same people every single time, and I watched every single one of their sets every single time. Not saying you didn't watch. I'm saying you got special attention where people watched you because you were a young cute girl i don't think so because i think i was less cute than the cute

girls doing comedy so i don't think i was ever considered a cute girl doing comedy i think that then you're being fraudulently self-deceptive by saying you don't admit that because you were a cute 19-year-old girl that every Richard Jenny didn't pay attention to you and want to help you with your act where the dumpy guy that did mystery science theater or whatever who knows I have to fight for everything I get.

I don't think so. Not at all. Are you talking about the 48-year-old guy who went to L.A. to make a big... It took me five years to go from, hey, I heard your joke at the youth hostel. You should do it at a laundromat. I heard your joke at the laundromat. You should do it at a coffee shop. I heard your joke at a coffee shop.

You should do it at the comedy store. I heard your joke at the comedy store. I would never, ever, ever call into question the dues you paid because you paid them and you are fucking great. I thought you said dudes you paid. Maybe secretly. But for real, that's not at all what I'm trying to say and that's not how I feel at all. But consuming comedy in Los Angeles is different than consuming comedy in other towns. Sure.

I consumed comedy in the Midwest. Brett Erickson is from Peoria, Illinois for too long to stand. We got two comics a week and we watched them do 45 minute sets. I watched the middle act do a 30 minute set. A guy who, if you

put him in LA, could get maybe a five minute set and immediately who's a guy who if you put him in la could get maybe a five minute set and immediately everyone would be on their phones because they don't give a fuck because they're worried about themselves well being on your phone wasn't an option when i started let me separate yes please they you watched comedy because you had a limited supply and demand, who would watch comedy? You can't blame people for not watching comedy in LA when there's so much of it and most of it's terrible.

No, but again, I'm not saying I'm blaming. I'm just saying it's a different experience. I think it's different. That's why it's easy for Morgan. I'm moderating now. It's easy for Morgan to not watch other comics

because that's how you consume comics. That's where it started. But I think it's also Hang on, Morgan. I'm going to go to you. You have a minute and a half. Hang on. I forgot that that's where it started. Morgan, I'm going to go to you. You have a minute and a half. No, I think it's...

Hang on, let me... I forgot that that's where it started. I was giving you shit for always being on your phone because a lot of times on the road with us, the small group of people that can travel with us, and I commend you for actually being able to travel low like this yeah but like chaos will break out and like chaley said i didn't even know there was a a violent domestic disturbance in a small theater that i didn't even realize because i'm just trying to remember shit yeah where like i always pay attention unless i'm out smoking

to what the fuck's going on and you seem bored twittering and that's what started this no i i think it's more a result of of being 16 years into something than is a result of where you started from because in addition to oh i did open mics and all this shit and you're watching me all the time, I also, the first five years of stand-up, before I could get into certain places or do comedy in certain places, I was there as an audience member.

I mean, like the old Largo was my favorite place to play in LA, but I spent years and years and years while I was doing stand-up, going there as an audience member to watch people and watching entire shows as an audience member not being able to go up there so like i don't i think i probably spent more time watching stand-up than i've spent doing stand-up but i also think that when you're on tour with people you don't have to watch every set every night all right well this is where there's a difference which you haven't experienced on this

but we're it's our norm is violence right on some level physical verbal sure shit shows everything going downhill and that's the difference between what we're used to on the road like middle america not uh david cross is gonna go to the fucking 40 watt yeah oh i'm in georgia so right no it's like actual fucked up shit where you you watch the other act to have his back like right yeah earlier when we go back to charlotte yes and had you not been watching me when that guy came up and folded his arms that you wouldn't have been there to do and if it all goes to shit and you're up next and you're on your fucking twitter yeah you're used to la acts that right they might have a new premise and everyone's going to go, oh, how brave or whatever.

Yeah, again, Morgan, just so you know, that's completely what I'm saying. Oh, I'm not taking offense to it. I'm just defending it. I'm just trying to explain it to you. It's not meant as a disparaging thing at all. What I have realized in

two years of being in L.A. This is a perfect segue into Fuck Bill Burr. Comedy is – well, listen. We've been building a bridge to Fuck Bill Burr this whole way. It's in my notes, but this is a perfect drop-off to that. But comedy is consumed in Los Angeles differently, and I am And that's been my biggest adjustment. That I realize it's consumed differently. I go to the comedy store every fucking night and I watch comedy.

And I sit in the back of the OR and I fucking watch comics. And I used to do that too. And you know what? Yes. But you know what everyone else does? You know what everyone else does that I know? They fucking hang out in the back and they smoke weed. Or they fucking hang out at the bar out front.

They don't watch comedy. They don't watch the comics. How are you a comic? Who's not watching the comics? Who the fuck are you? Why are you not watching the comedians? Because in L.A., most people do the exact same set or they might take a diversion into the exact same set.

It's the same set. It's not just the same set, by the way. It's the same people. And that's the thing is you're seeing the same people most nights. So when someone goes, oh, Chris Rock is here or Louie is here, someone who doesn't live in L.A. is here, everyone's running in to watch. But when somebody who's from L.A. or has been in L.A. You had the – sorry.

That's all right. I'm going to get them. I might have a pack in here. No, I do have a pack in here. The point, it's not the comics, it's the audiences. In L.A., you don't have to go, oh, they're all going to get fucking shit face drinking PBRs that they smuggled in their own pockets and start hurling that at you. Like the kind of shit that we deal with you know that the audience if at all are friends that had to be there it's not peoria jukebox comedy

club across from the street racing track right where they're all shit-faced and angry and they don't know who you are and And that's most of the audiences that we dealt with coming up. Where you dealt with LA audiences had to be there. Because they were friends of Amy Mann. You know what? A friend of Amy Mann will never go

fuck you fag, you're an American! And bow up at a stage. And again, I'm just going to reiterate really truly, you're un-American. And bow up at a stage. And again, I'm just going to reiterate. Really, truly, I want to reiterate this. I am not – one's not better than the other. They're just different. And the only reason I even notice this is that I'm adjusting to it now.

Now I'm adjusting to it. I'm getting it. Like I've done comedy forever and I've done okay. That's fine. But I got to L.A LA and nobody gave a fuck. Yeah, but I'm sure more people – And the reason nobody gave a fuck is because it's the exact opposite of the rule of will it play in Peoria. Yeah, it played in Peoria.

I fucking did it in Peoria for 20 years. It played in Peoria. Fine. It played in LA. Not at all. Because I was talking to people and they didn't give a fuck. They were just not paying attention. Like, you have to adjust. Like, I have to have more splash in the first two minutes than I used to have.

But not just the first two minutes. The first two minutes of your first set. Like, that's the thing, is that people are running in to see new people, but they're not running in like, God bless Bobby Lee. I love Bobby Lee, but I've known Bobby Lee 16 years. I'm not running in to see every Bobby Lee set.

Well, you wouldn't have to. It's the same one he was doing 16 years ago. No, but I just think there's also... Oh, by the way, my fuck Bill Burr thing is not about fuck Bill Burr. Yeah. So if you think... No, we love Bill Burr. Fuck Bobby Lee is a preface to fuck Bill Burr.

I just think at some point you're going to a club, you're seeing the same 20 friends do their shit over and over and over again. You're not running to see it. But you are running, no matter what city, New York, L.A., you're running in to see people from out of town that you haven't seen. You're running in to see new people. You're just not running in to see the same shit. I scrolled through Twitter the whole time you were on stage tonight.

Hang on. I scrolled through Twitter the whole time you were on stage tonight. Hang on. I'm not better. I think we're arguing two different points. People run into the shows that we're talking about that we were weaned on to see the audience react

to what you're saying. You're not running in to see me do the same fist fuck joke back in the day before I was known. You're running in to see how the audience would react, and that's what we would have to deal with, where he worked at Peoria, one of the most awful clubs ever that's still running.

But it's funny now. It's funny to go back because it's still the same audiences, and it can be chaos, and you're just fighting. It's a verbal fist fight. Again, his first album was a show there where it's 40 minutes of just fighting hecklers that are out of control late show friday so yeah there's a difference it's different you don't he doesn't get to work those chops in la right and it's dullards and you're used to and and and again it's not meant as a

fucking comment on you it's meant as a comment on L.A. I've been in L.A. L.A. people do not watch other comedians. They don't. L.A. comics, when they go to the shows, they don't watch the other comics. But you think if Chris Rock shows up at the comedy store, nobody's in the back watching? If you're Chris Rock, they'll watch. But that's what I'm saying. And Judge.

He's not really. But that's what I'm saying. Is that new? And Judge. But. He's not really. It's so far. But there are a thousand other guys. Like, listen. Here's what I tell people that ask me when I go back home. And I say this. I say, listen. Here's the good news and bad news about doing comedy in L.A.

The good news is 90% of the comedians are terrible. The bad news, the other 10,000 are great. And this is the thing. I go to comedy shows every night, and every night I see somebody that I have never heard of before be amazing. And I am like, holy fuck, another one? But I feel like I'm the only person in that crowd who watched that amazing person do that set

because the other comedians who were on the bill with me are on their phone or even worse, talking to another comic on the show in the back of the room at the time. About each other's set. And it fucking pisses me off. Are you not going to fucking watch this person do the fucking act? I need a break. I need a break right now. We're not taking a break, but I need a break right now because I told Chaley that I don't care if this podcast goes seven fucking hours.

It just might. My Adderall kicked in. Because we keep getting all these tweets. Well, I can't wait for another podcast. Is the podcast done? I'm extrapolating three tweets in two weeks. You know what? We're doing shit.

Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. You only got one podcast this week. I'm going to do fucking 10 hours. I'll outlast all of you, and we're going to make a 10-hour podcast so you can say, what the fuck? I'm not listening to 10 hours of a podcast. So the people go, oh, fuck you. Well, milk it.

What is this, a Duff McKagan audible book? Yes. If what Brett is bitching about, if I can quickly gloss over Brett's career. It would happen quickly. Fantastic comedian that was stuck in Peoria against his will. Had two kids, had a divorce that was messy, probably still messy today. He could not leave Peoria because of custody things. And he got weekends he can't leave.

He can't go out and chase his dream. And when those kids were tiny kids sleeping upstairs and we were in your basement doing drugs, you got to keep it down. And he kept saying, when I'm when the last kid's 18 i'm gonna leave this place and you don't ever think 14 years ahead but as soon as that kid turned 18 he fucking did exactly what he said he was gonna do and he moved to la but what happened with me is after I lived in LA for 10 years I go I'm a stand up comic I don't even need to be here I don't want to be on TV and I'm not an actor

and I don't know I'm here and I left so maybe it's going to take you 10 more years to stop bitching about no one listens to stand up comedy if you want to be a stand up comic if you want to be a stand-up comic. If you want to pitch shows,

fucking co-write with her. She's a writer. Get a show, but don't bitch about... You don't go to L.A. to do stand-up. You leave L.A. to do stand-up. Well, thanks for telling me now, you fucking asshole. I was your friend for so long. Now you got rent control.

You never said anything. You got rent control. I do said anything. You got rent control. I do have a good apartment. It's good. All right. Cheers. Cheers. Fuck Bill Burr.

Oh, yeah. You want to write that down? No, I already have it written down. I only have three things. Thank you, everyone who brought us plastic jugs of vodka. But I have to fly out of here, and we can't drink all that vodka, so I'm going to have to re-gift it in Atlanta. And fuck Bill Burr.

You weren't here, Morgan. I can't listen to Bill Burr. I love his podcast, but I can't do it, becauser. I love his podcast, but I can't do it because if I listen to his podcast, I start getting his affectations. And ladies, but we listened to one because Chaley was playing some. What was history of box containers. Here's exactly what happened. We're driving the fucking truck.

It's just the three of us. It's me and Shelly and Doug. Why do you keep calling it a truck? I call it a van to obfuscate it so people don't know what it's a suburban. A van is a van. A truck is a truck. That's why I call it a truck. It's a van.

Something just fell out of the grass. Call it a van. Hey, you're dying Call it a van. Hey, your diaphragm fell out. Hey, 1912, your diaphragm fits your outfit. So before the lovely Morgan Murphy joined us, it was just the three of us, and we were in the truck. Back in the good old days, I call it. And Shaley was in the back seat,

and he's trying to fall asleep in the back seat and put something on the radio that the two of us can listen to while we drive. To make the driver fall asleep as well. Right. So he's like, I got something really good for you. Here's a podcast thing. And they go, all right, here's a seven.

It's not NPR. It's NPPG-13. It's even more boring than NPR. Yeah. Here's a seven-part piece on containers. Eight pieces. Actually, you're not even exaggerating. It was an eight-part.

The best part about the containers is that the containers are this and the containers. The history of containers. Are you fucking kidding me? If you guys would have given it a chance. After six, you really fucking, you're in there. It really gets good. And there was another one, too. There was another one.

It was the one where the lead-in was something about this person, entrepreneur, talks about the three Ps. It's like periods, piss, and poop. I'm like, oh, this will be good. These two boys in the front seat are like that. We shut that one. That was the second one. But the first one was about the history of

containers. Containers? Like on the back of semi-trucks. They ship over from China. Shipping. Listen, it actually started to hook me a little bit. It was like, all right, back in the day, everything used to be shipped. San Francisco was the first port town.

Everything used to be shipped by a normal way. But now they put everything on an actual container that's exactly the same size every single time. I'm actually mad I missed this. container that's exactly the same size every single time. So that they can take the containers off so quickly. Remember, we're going into fuck Bill Burr after this. I'm impressed that they got that much knowledge out of all this.

I don't want to bore the people with how bored we were with this. And I realize this is like an eight-part thing. and we listened to the first part going this is eight parts of this and then containers used to go across to vietnam give it a chance oh my god and yet no one said anything they just kept listening no we did what we said was eventually erickson said the right thing can you just put on bill burr bill burr is always the answer when you do all your skeptoid which is good a lot of times but he just puts on he hates phil hendry and he hates bill burr shaley's got good taste shaley's

got good taste shaleylee's got good taste. Shaylee likes Radiolab, which I love Radiolab. He likes Skeptoid. I like Skeptoid. But sometimes you go too deep into the Shaylee fucking lexicon. And you're like, here's an eight-part story about containers. By the way, Shaylee, that would have been my favorite thing because I barely read. But when I do like books, it's like Salt, The History of Salt. I love that one. There's a book called The Mirror, like salt the history of salt or like there's a book

called the mirror which is the history of the mirror it's fantastic and you're like oh i didn't know i could read an entire book about the mirror but i can now people are like hey that's a mirror and i can go oh guess what about mirrors no the best part is that shaley puts these on and then immediately goes to sleep in the back seat of the truck. Well, I can because now I know you're taken care of. He knows that I like – well, he knows better because Bill Burr, I actually had to call a halt to a year ago. I didn't know that we should have put Bill Burr up. A couple of years ago where I kept doing it when I was starting my podcast and I couldn't stop.

But it's like when you used to work with Hedberg, and you could not go, Hey, man, I can't help but sound like, what was that guy that sounded like Hedberg? The fucking weird guy. You know, the guy they put on Comedy Central. Oh, Dimitri Martin. I sound like Dimitri Martin trying to be Hedberg. And Phil Hendry, I think you just

get tired of. It's just too much. We listened to it for an entire tour and it's just passive aggressive Chaley where he'd go anything but Phil Hendry. But you didn't get Phil Hendry for like a decade in L.A. That was my L.A. radio.

I grew up in L.A. Oh, you did? Loved him. He was a KFI, man. No, but I would make him play it relentlessly. No, we would play it on, like we would download them and we would play them nonstop for three weeks. Phil Hendry was one of the first people of my life

who liked me back and i was like you don't understand what you gave you gave me my 20s in my car you gave me my 20s driving back from a fucking youth hostel in hollywood at my college like dorm like you gave me that and he in turn was like i like you too and And I was like, no, you don't. You couldn't possibly. Phil Hendry is so fucking good. And if you can go into the archives, it's almost like saying

Howard Stern, but you have to get the chunks of Phil Hendry. He had to do four hours. You have to find the best of Phil Hendry. He had to do four hours. You have to find the best of chunks that are chunks. So I understand.

Point being, after the container show on NP Boring, finally, Erickson just says the obvious thing is put on Bill Burr, and he put Bill Burr on. And I've lightly complained about Bill Burr, lightheartedly. And then it's just sticking the dagger deeper into my heart where Bill Burr just gets more and more interesting as a human being while me and murph when murphy's like i could put hdmi cable into the tv and we don't have to keep watching the same 24 hours of cnn and i'm like it's too much work let's just keep watching and then i'm listening to bill burr in the car and he's like oh yeah i flew my helicopter

after i watched a nix game i was gonna do the 44 but i I'm doing the 22. It's good. I ran a marathon. I flew a helicopter. Yeah. And then I decided I'm gonna go to every single basketball court in the same day. And my baby's great, and she's already

an opera singer. And that was today Nia is complaining because I have to go upstairs and build a steeple on my house are you fucking asshole

oh and I wrote a new hour he even said I called I wrote a new hour? Yeah. He even said, I called my manager, the new hour is ready. I'm like, you just put out a fucking hour. My three-week-old daughter just wrote an hour for me? Hilarious. It's killing. Yeah.

He's flying fucking helicopters. That's I'm not. Yeah. He's flying fucking helicopters. He's flying helicopters. You two are watching Friday Night Tykes on your fucking Netflix. For hours. You guys watch that for hours. On our fucking podcast. I gotta say, Friday Night Tykes

is the helicopter riding of shows. Bill Burr will never know the joy of just sleeping in on Xanax is the helicopter writing of shows. Bill Burr will never know the joy of just sleeping in on Xanax that were given to you by a humble patron in gummy form. And you go, I'm going to trust you that this is really Xanax in a sour gummy form. I'll trust you. So far, it's worked out. He'll never know the joy of sleeping in out he'll never know the joy of sleeping in

he'll never know the joy of watching he could copter over you and watch you while you sleep however he complained this is the day before you get in murph he complained about i don't want to waste he got his helicopter pilot license but he hadn't used it in a while. I don't want to. I went through all that training. So I went out and I followed the traffic pattern or whatever. Like, oh, I fucking you're so disastrous gambling loss, I like kink.com, humiliation. Not the kick in the balls kind, but it's on the site.

I have my own. Yeah, I get it. You're like, oh, if I feel worse, maybe I'll feel better. It's within reach. It's on the nightstand. But face the other way. Either way, I would jerk off to Bill Burr's podcast where he's so, and this is the cuck thing.

It's the new word. But I've been jerking off to that stuff since porn first started and the pegging i just learned the word but yeah bill burr is cucking and pegging me he's giving you the old cnp yeah yeah he's fucking completely dominating me. And I don't care for it. I hope your helicopter crashes. Oh, this happened. That was fucking Greensboro, where this guy, one of the local comics said, one of the local comics said,

hey, I open for Dave Chappelle a lot. Because evidently I shit on Dave Chappelle, and I've done it on stage throughout this tour, but in a nice way. He goes, hey, yeah, I open for Dave Chappelle, and he told me to take a swing at you for shitting on him on your podcast. And I didn't remember. I know what I said because Morgan Murphy, we watched part of the three of us,

Brett Erickson, and we watched that on that last Santa Cruz. And I shit on him for he spent 10 years just being booed offstage. That's the only time you heard of him. He'll do six hours on stage is what he would do, just talking about, anyway, what else happened to me? And everyone's going, we saw Dave Chappelle for six hours.

They don't say, yeah, I was falling asleep. I curled up under my chair i don't remember a thing he said but he hasn't ever been around he's like a ghost i saw bigfoot is basically what you're saying i saw bigfoot and he's not really as devastating or scary in real life and then he worked that into uh two great specials i haven't seen the second one so i'm already shitting on the first one which i thought was great but i was using that analogy now that i'm back fresh footed and taking notes out going, all right, I'm fucked. I'm trying to make this funny. Here's a go.

But I do, yeah, an hour and 15, and I actually work on it. I don't just abuse the fucking privilege because I don't have it. I don't have black privilege. I don't have Chappelle privilege because three sketches were funny once no no he didn't you remember the ku klux klan that's great i'm not saying dave chapelle has not always been a brilliant comic but you know him from a show he ditched out of and everyone clapped for a season and then he went to South Africa and made himself a Bigfoot legend. And now he's still funny. Absolutely. But I used that as an example.

I was begging my way out of myself sucking. Not for 10 years, but for a short amount of time. Go, hey, Chappelle did this. You fucking love him so uh yeah and and that guy said yeah hey chapelle i opened for him he told me to take a swing at you from fucking with him on your podcast and for a second i would i had the hubris to think chapelle listens to my podcast and it wasn't until the next day I realized, oh, if you really know Chappelle, the only way he'd know about it is because you were a fucking rat fink that you

listened to my podcast and told Chappelle. And he said, no, no, I told him you dialed it back. Yeah, fuckingpelle's great but i didn't realize your fucking opening act is a rat narc fuck that wants to go oh hey by the way i'll even take it a step further because this is what i said when when this story happened i don't think whoever that guy was who told you that, I don't think that guy ever opened for Dave Chappelle. I think he's completely full of shit. Because the amount of time in which the podcast, which he was talking about, had been released,

and the amount of time in which this had supposedly happened was like two days. Like, were you opening for him yesterday? Like, how the fuck? How the fuck? Like, maybe you opened for Dave Chappelle once, and, like, maybe you have some sort of contact with him. It seemed all sketchy to me. One, two, three, four.

It was five days. Yeah. Six days. So either way, the people that have opened for me, there's at least two on this tour where we just bring a random comic out of the audience hey uh this guy meet jason he's a local comic and you go hey uh we have a special guest he doesn't know he's coming up jason and you just make some random and he goes oh i open for stanhope imagine if somebody's like, dude, I opened for Morgan and Brett in fucking Greensboro. And those two fuckers said, fuck LA and fucking both of them.

They both said this. Well, maybe they did. I don't know. Maybe. Point being, I keep fucking with Dave Chappelle every time I feel weak in my commitment and work ethic. And I use him as an example of I could be trying less. If I had more money, I would. He was smart not to fucking put out any specials for a while while he was doing this whole thing

that was a smart fucking business move because he created a fucking audience to be like oh shit let's fucking see so when he finally did the two specials that got released there was a big audience of like oh fuck let's his last special before this was amazing so let's wait what is this is going to be fucking great that's that's the louis ck problem opposite where he every year and then bill burr his quote was a new hour every year that's five minutes a month and you go that's that's true but it diminishes your saturating the market. Right. Supply and demand.

Stolen Bibles. Let's get back to where we were. Virginia Beach. Fuck it. Can we take a break? I'm going to put pajamas pants on. Is that okay? Yeah.

Let's go to a commercial break. Oh, fuck. we have to do four commercials let's do them all in a row if you don't listen to me if you don't listen to all of these commercials in a row i'll never do a podcast again how about that that's a what they bitch about it that's a call to action. Fuck them. This is a seven-hour podcast or whatever it is, and fuck them. The people that bitch about, whoa, your podcast is over. Someone bitched about an evergreen. I know.

I yell at you, the listener, because one guy that tweeted me. I'm going to stop fucking listening. This is how drunk I am and how far we are into this podcast that I feel like I keep looking for Chad Shank to be here, and he's not. And that's my rock. I usually hug him, and he holds me, and everything's fine. If Chad Shank – Morgan's going to have to stand in. Morgan's going to have to stand in.

She doesn't know it yet, but she went to the bathroom. When she gets back, she's going to realize that I'm doing it because Chad's not here. Can I say no? If Chad Shank told me to my face that he could commit to a three-week run of us just doing live podcasts on the road, I would do it. It would be brilliant. At some point, I think he's going to know

he could do it, but it's a scary proposition if he doesn't. Right now, bingo. She can't deal with I know she can't deal with the chaos of even a merch booth. Right. If Chad Shank could, I would definitely just switch to live podcasts.

I don't have to do specials anymore. And it's in my head. The Louis C.K. thing. Every night. And that's what I'm trying to focus on on this tour is make tonight fun and fuck a special none of this shit would be on a special there's some stuff i go am i stealing my own material because i think i've been doing like all this murder stuff i think i've done this on a special but i'm doing a different who gives a fuck make tonight fun fun perfect time to take a break no no it's no we're gonna you guys can take a break you

we're gonna do yeah we're gonna do four commercials in a row and if you don't listen to them and support them and buy everything we're saying i'm gonna cry and i'm gonna take my ball and go home and i'm never doing another podcast hey doug uh dollar shave club dollar shave club is your thing you're the only fucking weirdo that shaves here i get razor bumps so bad murphy talk about your beaver does dollar shave club have ladies razors i think you? I think you just... They don't see gender. It's just razors? I buy men's razors. I think they're sharper.

She can't see her own vagina over those gigantous, voluminous titties. But if you could see them, you'd want to make sure everything was trimmed up down there, right? Like a topiary. You know what? There's a smarter choice. Like a topiary. That what there's a smarter choice like a topiary

that's not even a real word isn't that what the carved plants are yeah it is I don't know well the smarter choice is Dollar Shave Club I think you can hear you can't hear Brett peeing in the background

I was going for an Edward Scissorhands reference on topiary, but I didn't find it because there's a giant voluminous twice in a segment. I want a razor that can carve my pubes into a giraffe. Wow, you know what? I think you're talking about the executive. The executive razor. That's what I'll take. Coupled with Dr. Carver's shave butter.

Wow, that's something that you have to feel to believe. Butter. I've actually been a member of Dollar Shave Club for over two years. Yeah, Chaley uses Dollar Shave Club. And Dollar Shave Club, before you gave him money, he always talked about Dollar Shave Club. I don't use it. I don't shave.

I used to give it away as Christmas gifts. I would send it to someone and say, hey, there's a one year. I would pay the whole thing in advance for two people. And yeah, I mean, I'm a drunk. So if I would use Dollar Shave Club, because when it showed up in the mailbox, I would remember to shave because otherwise I wouldn't. That's why I would use it. Dollar Shave Club. I feel like you should sign up for Dollar Shower Deodorant and fucking Nutrition Club.

Hey, can you get a subscription to Dollar Act Club? Eat a sandwich club. So you can choose between a two blade, three blade, or five blade. I'll take five. All right, hang on. Hey, Dollar Shave Club, I know I might ruin our thing. You're trying. I know you're trying.

Five blades. Listen, you're a dude. I know you're trying. Five blades. Listen, you're a dude. I know you have a vagina. It doesn't stop. But a mustache stops at a nose. When you have five blades, you can't get to that just little tiny bit right under your nose. So how about just the two blades? You can do that with Dollar Shave Club.

You can choose which cartridge you want. Or you can get five blades if you don't have a nose or if you're her with a vagina. I actually just switched to the five blades. Because there's no reason for five blades. I just switched to the five blades. You can't get to this part. Yes, you can.

No, you can't. Not with your shaky booze hands, but yeah, it's possible. It's fucking awful. Put an eye out. Somebody lost his contact. There's no hidden fees, no commitments. You can cancel any time. In fact, if you're getting too many cartridges, you just tell them, hold off for a month or two.

It's no problem. Dollar Shake Club. Oh, in case you want to play South by Southwest and you want to get your beard on, you can just cancel. southwest and you want to get your beard on you just cancel well i'm gonna be all fucking hipster and then when i have to go back to charleston south carolina i want to be all clean shaven because it's a trump crowd with no nose because you got the five blades instead hey join the club today at dollarshaveclub.com slash stanhope that's dollarshaveclub.com slash stanhope you can get slash dot slash that's a dot dot com slash sorry that's dollarshaveclub.com slash no one even knew i fucked it up no we both did fucking dare edit this you can't leave this unedited and then just

i'm just gonna take out my fuck-ups. Don't worry about it. That's all I ever do. Hey, Dollar Shave Club, it's a smarter choice. It's a smarter choice to cook? A great... You're mixing sponsors. It's a smarter choice than what?

A great shave. How about just grow your... It's a smaller choice than $2 Shave Club. Hang on. $2 shave club. Prove you're not a Muslim. Let me try again. $2 shave club.

Prove you're not a radical terrorist. Very good. Because you're shaved. Because they have no beard. Yeah, but on the day of, sometimes they trim up like Americans so they can get on the planes. Do they do that? Yeah. You can't do that and be a Muslim.

You can. That's not a true Muslim. Not in my America. Dollar Shave Club. I remember when terrorists looked like terrorists. Dollar Shave Club. Dollar Shave Club. Do they have a deep grooming for...

The worst live commercial read. Every time we do... We're going to need four new companies to be involved in the Doug Stano podcast after this. Brett, Morgan, Murphy, I have a thing. If we get dumped by a sponsor in the first read, I will pay Chaley the equivalent.

But I think Dollar Shave Club, they send you fucking razors. Yeah, it's cheap. And you remember to shave. I think you get that across. I actually buy more than just the razor. I get the men's grooming lotions and potions, and I also get the – He's got the nose trimmer for your asshole. You can't really shave your asshole, and you have a nose trimmer,

but it's a big, deep, thick – So he shaves his asshole with a giant Dollar Shave Club nose trimmer, ain'tus size. How do you know this? Well, because I saw a guy do it on YouTube. I typed in, how do you shave your asshole? Just the rim part. I want the outer parts to be long and hairy and affluent.

For a limited time, new members get their first month of the executive razor with a tube of their Dr. Carver's shave butter for only $5 with free shipping. And after that, razors are just a few bucks a month. Join the club today at dollarshaveclub.com slash Stanhope. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash Stanhope. Moving on. I thought it was called Dr. Garvish Fist Butter

because that's what I used it for. Well, you should have learned how to read. You should have learned how to read. Fist Butter. Do you see the surprised look on Morgan's face? All this butter is for shaving?

There's so much left. There's so much left. I thought this was a one-use eight-ounce tube. I shaved out her confidence on the road. Bend over, honey. You got a lot of shave butter left. Hey, and one... Let's go.

We're only in number one? We're way drunker than the people listening to this. If they don't listen to this pro flowers hey I bought you some ashtrays today because you know we have that Sam and Diane

kind of thank you we'll never have we have kind of a cute on stage crush on each other, but otherwise I'm dating Whoopi Goldberg and putting on blackface. I feel like we're Norman Cliff, Shaley. We're just waiting for our part.

I like flowers. I love flowers. I like to buy them for myself. And it's stupid to buy flowers for other people, especially when they're dead. Hey, listen, people. I just riffed this tonight. But sending flowers to dead people

is the dumbest thing you could ever do. I told you to write this down. This is off topic, but it's kind of connected. I know. It's a GoFundMe thing. You know we're recording for ProFlowers. We're not cutting anything. We do not cut or edit this at all.

Apparently I get paid either way, so let's let it fucking roll. You've got it recorded. If you edit anything out of this, you have to edit out the part where I say, if we lose a read, I pay you. Got it. All right. Pro Flowers, if your mom's going to be dead in three days,

send her something that's also going to be dead in three days. Actually, Pro Flowers has a seven be dead in three days. Actually, Pro Flowers has a seven-day guarantee freshness. Oh, no! Unlike your mom. Your mom doesn't have that kind of guarantee. Send yourself flowers. This is how I

sell. I buy flowers for myself all the time. I really do. And I hate having to cut the stems and all that shit, but I buy them. And I go, oh And I hate having to cut the stems and all that shit, but I buy them. And I go, I don't want to have to do all that. But I do. I buy myself fucking flowers. And fuck you if you call me

a sissy Nancy boy. But I do. I like flowers. I like colors. I paint my house colors and I buy flowers and I hate the fact that they're going to die. It's like having a preemie baby to me. But you know what?

It's already there. I hate cutting the stems off the preemie babies. Because you know they're going to die. I almost bought you flowers today. Did you? And the reason I didn't was because I knew we were staying in a condo hotel on the road. There's not going to be a place to put the flowers. I had no guarantee that there would be a vase

to put it in. Unlike Pro Flowers. Unlike Pro Flowers. Oh my God. You know how you save this ad? Bingo's hit song that there is a video online. This is how you save this read. It's bingo's Where to Put the Flowers is the name of the song.

All right. But anyway, I'd shove them up Morgan Murphy's Fertile Asshole. Vase. Oh, I'm sorry. Vase hole. Hey, right now, Pro Flowers has a special offer for just our listeners. Well, I'm pretty sure it's every listener. Get $10 off your purchase with $29 or more.

Just use the code Stanhope at checkout. Yep, that's proflowers.com, Stanhope at checkout. Spell it for the people. P-R-O-F-L-O-W-E-R-S. No, Stanhopeflowers.com. Stanhope at checkout. Spell it for the people. P-R-O-F-L-O-W-E-R-S. No, Stanhope. They have no idea what podcast they're listening to. They're just switching dials on the podcast radio. The Monday morning podcast.

Wouldn't that be great if all podcasts were on the radio? You just spin a billion dials. You know, we get people saying they want to help support the radio. You just spin a billion dials. You know, we get people saying they want to help support the podcast, which no one ever says that. But you can support the podcast by buying something from ProFlowers. Add a roll at the fucking merch booth.

That'll help the podcast go on forever. Yep. And you know what? We're teaching a lesson to every cunt that fucking says we're only one podcast in the last eight days yeah and here's one that's gonna last for eight days you motherfucker leech pig fucks that just want more and more for less and less. You fucking cheap pieces of shit. There's going to be another podcast where I'm jonesing.

You're jones, jones on this all night long. Hey, can I come see you? I want to come to Bisbee and hang out. Hang out for this whole fucking podcast by yourself. Because you know what? When I hang out with you at my house on the off occasion that randomly we let one weird dude in, you fall asleep and you sleep in your car and I'm still up doing a podcast. But I'll tell you how you get more for less.

a podcast. But I'll tell you how you can get more for less. Right now, you can get $10 off your purchase of $29 or more at ProFlowers. But the deal won't last. Eventually, the sun will blow up

and this deal will go away. Just go to ProFlowers.com and enter the code StanHope. Hey, go to proflowers.com and enter the code stanhope hey go to proflowers.com right now and uh bill burr is somewhere flying a fucking f 150 fighter pilot plane he's bombing russia with flowers blowing out of the fucking turbines because he's so much more fucking interesting. Because he didn't want to waste his Wednesday afternoon. I hate that guy now. Go to proflowers.com and enter the code Stanhope at checkout and get the special deal.

Done. Go to the next one. No, we're not. No, don't you say done. Go to the next one. You're going to cut no we're not no don't you don't you say done go to the next one like you're gonna cut you're not fucking cutting this i can't put them all together yes you can no that's not how it works just let it go baby no all right yes i'll do exactly what you guys read the contract read the contract you can't put them all together i'm afraid to right now we set this up where they have to listen to this or I quit.

If you fuck. No, I'm done with the podcast. I'm done with you. I'm done with you. I'm done with you. Get out. Unless I would say the three of us are done with you all together. Except I know that over a piece of pizza, he will not join.

I will bail on that Mack Weldon everyone I've heard about Mack Weldon I'm wearing him now I'm wearing him still I did change up I wore Mack Weldon for seven days

on the first part of the tour yeah I think we already talked about this uh mac well underpants t-shirt socks i wore the socks for seven days and i'm kind of a a lady bird when it comes to uh i like to wear my silly idiot suits matching so when a lady goes oh you're dressed up like a fucking asshole but it all matches if they see your socks or like some gym socks from 1970 they'll go why do you wear white So I make sure my socks match and dress socks generally within minutes. It's just sweat and fucking anger and filth. And you can smell your own feet.

I wore Mack Weldon socks. No shit for a week. And they're better than even like good gym socks where you can wear them for maybe two days no mac weldon socks i didn't even want to change them i did because we found laundry at that place there was convenient laundry after five days. Yeah, I will say that in my texting with Doug, which usually it's only the score is this or the score is that or who's winning this game, it was always, oh, yeah, Clippers are up by 10,

and I've been in the same socks for five days. It was always just an update on how many days he'd been in the same socks. But this wasn't like he put the socks on for the show and then took them off daintily. No, no, no. No, no. This was like sleeping in them too. If I allowed you to edit this, I would say pause, and I would read. I would read.

What? No, I would read I would read what? I would read the text messages you already told me that, drunky. No, I'm telling you that I'm still wearing the same socks. I already told you that yesterday. I'm saying I'm still and I did that to the point. I was going to wear them

for the whole tour, but we found one hotel that was out of order. Otherwise, the one thing that worked, all right, I'll wash them and I'll wear them again. But the washer and dryer were like right next to our room, which I don't know how you get that. Full disclosure, I brought a bunch of socks to throw away on this tour. It's a long story. So after a week of wearing Mack Weldon socks, which they come in colors that match my suits, and that's hard to find in a dress sock.

Yeah, I started wearing the old socks. I just throw away a pair every day. The Mack Weldon's I'm holding on to. The underpants. No I'm holding on to. The underpants, no one smelled my balls yet. I actually got you the ones that are special. Let me look them up real quick.

There's silver woven into the fabric and it stays there and it helps in wicking away sweat. No, actually it's antimicrobial. It

kills the smell. It knocks down odor. Ball smell? Oh, yeah. Do they have those in giant lady-bottom sizes? Because maybe our wandering menstrual can see. Would you at least try to wear a pair of Mack Weldon's wandering menstrual and see would you

at least try to wear a pair of Mack Weldon's men's underpants? If the pitch didn't start with a complete criticism of my derriere, I would absolutely wear one of those. I mean, open with a compliment, Douglas. No, it wicks the smell.

It's a period thing. Still not good. Focus on your ass. Always focus on your ass. Why focus on your ass? There's much more of a problem in another area. No, I'd wear them. I like this. Panties, razors,

and flowers. It's like all options for breakups. Even the flowers I try to put up your ass. Well, the silver, there's the 18-hour jersey, which is a cotton modal blend. The silver and then the Air Knicks, which is the ones I got, which is a little different.

I have to tell you, I don't wear undershirts. Stanup wears, you wear undershirts all the time. I only started wearing on this tour. I have to because otherwise people stare at my nipples through my supple, thin, vintage Do you have hard nipples? It's thin shirts. I wear thin vintage shirts and – Oh, they pop through.

The audience can't focus on my words and my dialogue because they're staring at my nipples. Well, the 18-hour jersey t-shirt is amazing, and I wore it for the first week just during shows. And I could not – I mean I could have kept going with it, but I washed it when we had a chance after seven days. Man, I'm wearing it right now. I love it. I do not wear undershirts. I watched it when we had a chance after seven days. Man, I'm wearing it right now. I love it. I do not wear undershirts. I love it. Shaley says this off mic too, but now he sounds like he's pitching.

But I wore all three of them. I did the underwear, the T-shirt, the socks. I have heard nothing about anything except Mack Weldon underpants and underwear this whole time. And Shaley keeps telling me, hey, the Mack Weldons are going to meet us in Atlanta. They were supposed to meet us here in Wilmington. And they didn't fucking accept the shipment when it came in because we couldn't even check into this fucking hotel.

We couldn't get fucking Morgan Murphy's merch either. Yeah, so all this stuff is fucked up where we're at. But they switched it, and instead of waiting for it to show up... I can't wait to wear it. Instead of waiting for the shipment to be returned, they sent another one out. It's going to meet us in Atlanta. We'll be there, and that'll be the end of the tour underpants.

But Doug, you've got to get more socks, t-shirt, and underpants. If it meets us in Atlanta, hopefully I can pick up some of it at a Mishka Shubali merch table. If there's room on the table. For the record, I did wear all three. I did the underwear, the T-shirt, and the socks. But I wear the same underpants and T-shirt anyway.

Socks are the only thing. and t-shirt anyway socks are the only thing when i uh i did seven weeks in uk when i first met murph i met you that's the first time i remember meeting you but i don't remember a lot i brought a duffel bag full of just socks and i would throw away burner socks every day and the lighter that bag got the closer i knew i was back to civilization naked and afraid i'll come home barefoot i got it timed out so socks are the most important thing i can wear anything forever like a fucking homeless person or someone who was ditched in the endurance in Ernest Shackleton's book in Antarctica in 1914 and I wear the same thing till I get rescued 18 months later but socks are the most important thing and I wore those socks to the point where I didn't want to disturb them any more than they weren't disturbing me.

And I washed them and I treat them like babies. All right. What's the last fucking read? Because so far I'm not lying. I ain't lying so far. Do we have any lie reads where I have to lie about something? This is it. Uh-oh.

Yeah. I just want to turn about something? This is it. Uh-oh. Yeah. I just want to turn this back and tell them no. Tell me what it is. All right. I don't know how to tell you what it is. It's called Upside, and it's the best new way to buy business travel. To buy business travel. No, we already said no to this.

I know. We're not going to do it. No, we already said no to this. I know. Yeah, we're not going to do it. No, no, no. We're going to do the fact that, listen. Wait, is it like private plane type shit? No, it's not. Oh, I don't like that. Listen.

What? We're going to, this is something that Brian Hennigan, if you ever do, Brett Erickson and Hennigan used to do the soccer thing. Hennigan's the travel guy. Soccer mermen. Yeah. If they do that, hey, upside. He told me about this, and it's really nothing that I could really promote.

about this and it's it's really nothing that i could really promote i i have to at least be behind something i don't i he explained it to me and and i'm not that guy i'm not against you but uh here's your money back because yeah chaley already. Nah. Well, it's confusing to me. We get offers, and we take things we've either used or we will use, and we're not familiar with this product. So I don't even know why we're talking about it. Well, you already told me about it in the car, and I said no. I know, but then I saw it on the schedule. One job, Chaley, one job is to do every single thing. I saw it on the one job, Chaley, one job.

I saw it on the schedule and I thought maybe we could just do this. And I'm reading the copy. I'm not against. Hey, upside. Hey, we'll do a free plug for you and we'll give you your money back. Hey, upside.com or is that what it is? We're not against you, but he tried to explain this to me sober and it didn't make sense to me so i can't pitch it to my people i fucking love flowers and uh underpants underpants and socks that don't get fucking filthy when i i took i did this in front of you chaley when i took off those mac weldon socks after seven days i smelled them in front of you

which usually makes him wretch just anything you put it to your face i did i huffed him and it was yeah i wasn't pleasant after seven days but you were you were like i could still wear these kind of thing and that's the real upside of Mack Weldon underpants. So if you like to travel and you're really good at the filthy uncut Scotsman, go to Upside.com. There's a free plug. I don't even know if that's it. This copy is really weird.

It doesn't matter. He does travel a lot. You read it to me and I said no, but you did. If the filthy Scotsman, Brian Hannigan, and I should never call him that because he's my neighbor and I love him, if he likes it for travel, it's probably good because he travels a lot and he's a smart person. So I'll give him the Brett Erickson seal of approval upside.

All right, let's wrap this up because if they didn't listen to all of these fucking things, I'm quitting podcasting. What a threat. Everyone's going to protest. The call to action is check out what I've arranged for you. Are you buying this? We're trying to be nice. We're trying to let them down easy.

I think you're shitting on the product. We don't want to shit on the product. I'm just saying I didn't see this part. I would have said no for sure. Well, no. I did say no for sure. It's a nice no. You're supposed to –

All right. Hey, listen. It's – hey, what's the name? Upside? It's Upside. Hey, Upside, it's not you. It's me. You did everything right.

I just need some meat. Oh, it says here that if you use the name Biz Trip, you're guaranteed at least a $200 Amazon gift card your first trip that you book through them. That actually does sound pretty good. Yeah, so my name, Biz Trip, I don't know how we get credit on that, gets you at least a – oh, that's your DJ name from college. That's my line.

His trip. Why are you stealing my... That's my go-to line. I'm giving you all of his... Why are you bathering me? Hey, it's a no-brainer. What is he, running for mayor? Save big on travel and get a big gift card every trip.

Castle Rock, Kenny, for Mayor of Bisbee. It's a no-brainer. He's a thin Chris Christie. Remember the old days? I love Upside.com. Upside.com. Minimum purchase required. See site for complete details.

All right. So now we're going to... Can I get a firm commitment from you, Greg Chaley, that you will not edit out your firm commitment to not edit any of this and just hit send?

This last part will not go on. No, I just won't do it. No, I'll just... Such a bummer. I mean, this is what makes the do it. That's such a bummer. All right. I mean, this is what makes the podcast good. We'll talk after. All right.

I have my people in front of your door that are going to release you from your commitment of 20 years in this business. So we put that out, what I just said, everything that I just said. Every single thing we've all said, you put out. Because I did tell them. Morgan Murphy is here. I did tell them I didn't want to do it. Morgan Murphy, do you have any buyer's remorse that you want edited out of this whole podcast? No.

Brett Erickson. No. That's a no. No. So you're okay with this just going out? Because we're going to do May 20th, and you're not invited because it's sold out. We're going to do a live broadcast of a podcast, and you're not going to have that. Well, actually, we are going to edit that and put it out.

No, but it's not going to be edited at all. I keep telling Shirley, don't edit it. Just put it out. I know. It should be live. It should go out. I don't mind Chaley doing all the intro and outro things he likes to do. No editing for content.

Yeah. All right. So I'm going to put these commercials out in a row. Title the thing. If you don't listen to the sponsors, we... Like the old National Lampoon. If you don't buy this issue, we'll kill this dog. Okay, hang on, hang on.

And to close it out, hang on. Bingo? Get off the fucking stage and look at the picture of my fucking house slippers. Hang on. You're not on stage. You are at the end of the longest podcast on earth. And we are just closing it out. So you get to close out the podcast.

Well, I'm closing it out by saying get the fuck off the podcast and look at my goddamn picture of my new house slippers. Doug, why don't you go see them in person using Upside.com? Use the promo code BizTrip. Thank you, Morgan. There you go. What? Can you introduce the band Fame Riot to close out the podcast?

What's their name? Fame Riot. Okay. Close it up, Fame Riot. And then say something dark bingo, angry bingo. Angry bingo is not angry right now she got house slippers god damn it why am I supposed to be angry

all the fucking time I love you I'll call you back once we shut this thing down and pour a drink okay love you back call me back I love you bye I love you and your big fat ass and I'll kick you with a shoe bye

bye I love you and your big fat ass, and I'll kick you with a shoe. Bye. Bye. This time I know what I want But it's bringing me down I said I know what you want And it's bringing me down I said I've got this song Racing through my head Cause I know what you want When you know when I'm there

I said I got so running through my head. I got this. I got this feeling. Cause it stole me. I got something for you. I got something for you. I got something new. I am in love with someone beautiful.

She found my heart. My heart is falling. Someday you'll come to see the light. I've been waiting for the sun. Don't let your heart stray She's running out of breath this time Don't let your heart stray She's running out of breath this time

I don't know what I want, but it's bringing me down. I said, I know what you want and it's bringing me down. I said, I got this song racing through my head. Cause I know what you want when you know when I'm there. I said, I, I am in love with someone beautiful She found my heart, my heart is full of gold Someday you'll come to see the light of day Wait for the sun, don't let your heart stray

She's running out of breath. Don't let your heart stray. She's running out of breath. She's running out of breath. I am your love. You're someone beautiful. She found my heart. My heart is so weak. So near you're gone.

To see the light of day Wait for the sun Don't let your heart stay I am in love With someone beautiful She found my heart My heart is falling Someday you'll come To see the light of day

Wait for the sun Don't let your heart stay We'll see you next time. Okay. That's going to be the end. But we need to do, like, the spots are going in the middle on our break. No. No? No, we're doing this whole podcast. If you don't listen to the sponsors at the end, I kill this podcast.

That's it. All right. Let's do that right now, I kill this podcast. That's it. All right. Let's do that right now. I just said it.