The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #218: Pt.2 – You need a Scranton to shake you up a bit PLUS Hennigan's Eyes Pt.1

Episode Date: August 3, 2017

Doug and Morgan continue their Buffalo Motel recap of the tour. Plus, Part 1 of Hennigan's eyes.Recorded June 30th, 2017 at the Hospitality Inn in Buffalo, NY with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Morgan Murphy (@Morgan_Murphy), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Hennigan's Eyes was recorded in the FunHouse. Produced & Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by- MVMT - Get 15% off today —WITH FREE SHIPPING and FREE RETURNS—by going to MVMT.com/stanhopeStanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List.First closing song, "Party Time", by The Mattoid.Second closing, "Violence", by The Unlikely Candidates.LINKS:Chad Shank Voice Over info at AudioShank.com@BingoButterCheeksZach Hammond - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvqSGLNtwE8West Gate Inn – Best Cheesecake in NY by Lisa - http://www.westgatelounge.com/blueribboncheesecakes.htmlSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Yeah, that's fine, but we can go into part two right now. We can go into part two. What's the commercial? Panties? No. Mantees Panties. They're panties, but for man... We already listened to that.

Stern was... they had the mankini. No, that's a bikini. I always thought a good idea would be man lingerie. They have it. Like the elephant trunk? No, no, no. Not the elephant trunk. Like luxurious silk lingerie, but for gentlemen.

Oh, silk boxers. Yeah, but with a matching camisole. Well, yeah, you can do that. Wide camisole for men's chests. You're reinventing the wheel. This already exists. This product already exists. All right.

Well, tell me where to get it. Probably Walmart. This fucking channel is fantastic. Look at that. It is great. It is a visual symphony. Oh, the Arts Channel? Yep.

Yeah. It's not on every cable system, but... Do you think anyone at this motel has ever been watching the Arts Channel for as long as we have? I assume it was Morgan Murphy that cut me off in the last podcast. When I was trying to explain my bear calves. I have never tried to cut you off, by the way, Doug, except for just now.

I was... You don't have to try. You do it naturally. All right. Well, on occasion, I was trying to make what I can only call in the podcast industry a diving save. Where I saw things hitting a rut, maybe going foul. This is Morgan and I and the Chaley's in the van.

And my phone rings and I take it and I start crying and I go, sorry, I just found out my grandmother died. And she goes, my grandmother is so talkative you brought up grandmother and make it about me everything is a conversation starter about Morgan Murphy

I do make things about me I think it's the most annoying thing about me and I'm aware of it continue unless it's a name drop yeah where uh what do I name drop yeah uh um hang on I have to answer this text message I just got from Andy McDowell let me talk about emphasizing it as a point of comedy I wasn't I I I I was i was trying to make fun of the situation but it segued into a 45 minute conversation by yourself about andy mcdowell and her accent and her dog and here's

some pictures of andy mcdowell and then tracy slipped a note up to me. She tapped me with a note that said, She sits behind you in the car. Please kill me. Please kill me now. She's showing me pictures of Andy McDowell's dog. That's more than a name drop, Murph. Okay, on the last podcast, we got up to the photo shoot. I'm done talking about my calves.

Oh, because I'm looking at the notes here that we went over on the 20th. I know, but I'm not done talking about my calves oh because I'm looking at the notes here that we went over on the 20th I know but I'm this is from the last podcast this is the cliffhanger calves podcast everyone wants to know why see Bingo noticed I have the

1970s socks baldness from wearing socks all the time and sleeping in socks. But Bingo noticed that it's getting higher. She goes, no, it used to be bald down here. Now it's bald halfway up your whole

fucking tibia. She didn't say tibia. Not after a traumatic brain injury and retardation. And then I just figured it out. It's the fucking dumb suits that I wear. I wear matching socks that are fucking almost knee-high socks all the time and sleep in them. So yeah, I'm getting balder and balder.

So if you remember from the last podcast, Morgan Murphy's joke about wearing a sock around her vagina so she doesn't have to shave, yeah. Wear fucking cunt-tie socks. Why don't you wear pantyhose?

Let's talk to you, Murphy. What? Oh, Murphy's texting. As soon as it's not about her anymore. No, as soon as I'm reminded that people are passing notes in a vehicle about things. No, that was a joke, you fucking idiot. Jesus, you sensitive cunt. Yeah, I'm sensitive.

That's who I am. You don't think Tracy would do that to you? Be sensitive about how I'm sensitive. You know what? We're going to have to send Murphy training tapes of me and Lynn Shawcroft. The epic battles we get in. Fuck you. I'm just going to get a rental car and you're not going to see me.

I'll just show up. Fuck you. I hope that's your last breath. I might be right. Ratso Rizzo. Stop texting. You can't tweet and text on Facebook. I have work emails to keep up with Douglas.

All right, well, get Tracy in here. All right. Get the fucking lady who runs the front desk. Did you really think she passed me a note? I guess that's not out of the realm of possibilities. You're a good actor. She is new to this. The fucking shit town tours of Doug Stanhope and friends.

Uh-huh. You caught it. I heard that cough. All right, let's get back to... We haven't even discussed the fact that I had nothing for days. What do you mean nothing? Nothing, none of my things. No, absolutely. You should you mean nothing? Nothing. None of my things.

Absolutely. You should talk about that. Oh. One more time. Lost your bag. Oh yeah, that's Nyack. I have to get through New York. We already in the last podcast previously seen on the Doug Stano podcast

he was in L.A. doing press for his CISO special. I should have done a GoFundMe for CISO. I'm guessing. Keep that in. And you did the photo shoot. Yeah, did the photo shoot. I don't remember what else i did uh but i do know then i had to fly to new york again get in early uh have a day to catch up

and then we did i did uh i did the wrap-up show on Stern if you heard that and you probably didn't but if you did, I mentioned I heard I got bumped from the regular show for Ashton Kutcher on the wrap-up show I said I heard I got bumped I won't say a name

and I understand completely why I would get bumped. Someone who matters? Yeah, exactly. Ashton Kutcher doesn't. He's a delight. Turns out I wasn't bumped for anyone. That was a Chinese telephone.

One publicist tells another publicist, tells someone from CISO who tells Hannigan. I heard, well, I get in on the wrap-up show, and what's the, Seth Rogen was on. I fucking love Seth Rogen. I don't mind getting bumped for Seth Rogen. Like pumping up a whole movie or something. There was something.

Whatever he was. Yeah, he's out doing junk. He was on the actual show. Yeah. I understand getting bumped for Ashton Kutcher. He's famous. I just hate it. I don't want to be famous or need to be famous. I just wish that he wasn't more

unfamous than me, Ashton Kutcher, but that was not the case. So if you heard that where I said, I'm not going to name the name, just like in my book where they wouldn't let me name the Prince of Monaco. Well, if you read the book and you go, oh, I wonder who he's talking about. The Prince of Monaco and Ashton Kutcher on the wrap-up show. So I did that, had a fun time. I heard the interview when you did it live. I thought it was great.

I also thought it was great and I never even listened to it Wow Are you going to be Did you suck on a sour pickle Because now you look all butthurt Because I made a joke about Tracy Passing me a note that never happened No I didn't listen to it and I'm sure it was great I was being very

Oh the note was hilarious Oh wait what We'll have a copy of the note It hilarious. Oh, wait, what? We'll have a copy of the note. It'll be in the show notes. Anyway, so we did that, but we did... By the way, you're lying on your bed like a teenage girl who's writing in her diary. He should have like a bear skin under him. Like a teenage girl from the 1960s who's writing her diary about how Barry gave her a look in economics.

Please hold. Chaley, would you dump that fire hazard of an ashtray? We're in a smoking room in Buffalo. If it's all out, there's a trash bag, a blue bag tied to the... Okay, go ahead. If it's all out, there's a trash bag, a blue bag tied to the... Okay, go ahead. Potel Motel Mafia, but they still provide a smoking room for the Motor Lodge traveler that might visit Niagara Falls, but we won't. All right, so yeah, New York.

Nyack, my bag didn't come. Hang on, I did two things, lady. Okay. All right, so yeah, New York. Nyack, my bag didn't come. Hang on, I did two things, lady. Okay. In New York, I had an interview with Playboy.com. You know the up-and-coming new face on the map of, Yeah, playboy.com, followed by a live in-house interview with the people at aol.com. Build. AOL?

It's... They're... Have you heard of the internet? Yeah. I just got on it. But AOL... Yeah, so I get to do AOL and Playboy.com. Two juggernauts in the media.

And then I did a meet and greet at Radio Shack. The jokes were too easy to do. And I had to go into I remembered Fun with Pedophiles All that stuff was done on AOL Instant Messenger.

You were what, five when that happened? No, I was a teenager. Because everything you just mentioned, I was like, is this 1996? About, yeah. It was about, yeah, 98, I think I did all that baiting stuff.

94, 95. So instead of trashing AOL on AOL Live or whatever it was on. AOL Build. That's what it was. Build. I said, you know what? I'm going to say a positive thing.

If it weren't for AOL Instant Messenger, I would not have fun with pedophiles, which is probably the only thing I'd ever look back on and still laugh. If it wasn't for AOL Instant Messenger, I wouldn't have seen a dick till I was 20. Me either. And that is a true story.

Do you think it was the real dick? I don't know. That's what Mr. AOL said. If we could just change the course for one young lady. By the way, my experience with dick.

This is a complete tangent, but my basketball team in Los Angeles, the Spice Squirrels, we, our jerseys, the back of our jerseys are not our names, not our last names. They are our original AOL IM screen names. So the instant messenger name you first had on AOL is what's on the back of our jerseys, and that's what we play with. Yeah, I still use mine. Your AOL account?

No, no, I still use that screen name for eBay. I still use that. Oh, really? Mine was Tofutibooty. Oh, wow. That's a mouthful. But that's what I play with Because we all do Yeah That fit on the back

Of the jersey Oh yeah Yeah We got big I mean On my jersey I think mine was Egg spike

I had that one For a long time AOL Insta Messenger Was how everybody In my college dorm my freshman year would decide to go to dinner. We would IM each other and go do you want to go to the

cafeteria now? We would go. But we all communicated on IM. Skip that. Delete that. No, no, no. I was trying to think of, because the baiting, again, baiting pedophiles, those were not the same. I had my own at-hot mail that I used for everything. Someone goes, well, this is how you use email, and you just have to come up with it.

And I just came up with this flippant name. But on baiting it was like tool my sweet ass and then there was whatever the crippled girl was there was some kind of hidden my persona was a crippled girl

anyway I'm sitting on that cover of the new the baiting book got permission from you to redo the cover. Oh, yeah? That's not out yet. No, I just haven't had fucking time.

And I want to put that back out without pedophile. Let me talk to my cohort here. Chaley always doesn't have enough time to do things. enough time to do things. Yet, as we spoke in the last podcast, he takes the time to put green gaffer tape on your where you go, that is so nice. But how much of this, like if you audit, if you were the IRS of time and you did an audit of Chaley. I'd be in jail.

Yeah, you'd be in jail I thought about this the other day Morgan Murphy Brett Erickson and I did a tour when you were doing your side project your moonlighting gig your own Hollywood vampires and I kept saying when

Chaley's on the road with us, this will go smoothly. But then I wondered, how much of this shit is unnecessary? Because Chaley's the king of unnecessary shit. Where you go, oh, maybe I would have my book back out there. It's still out there. Yeah. It's not that it's not out there. It's not for sale, I guess. It's still out there. It's not that it's not out there. It's not for sale.

It is for sale. I get it. It's like if Russell Crowe had a nice trip to Europe without his personal assistant and was like, do I need my personal assistant? Do I need somebody to go get me everything? Oh, you do. You do. As a person who travels with you, you do.

But if your personal assistant was up shaving your soap in case you left a hair on it, but he didn't have the car ready. I'm just saying. But you're using an example that is not realistic. Oh, I like this. This is all against Shaley now. The green tape helps, and it helps me. I know, but also having the book out.

The book is out. It's not that it's not out. I know, but people won't buy it because when I put it out, I go, I didn't think, oh, I shouldn't have pedophile in the title because no one wants to type that into a search engine, much less put it on their credit card. Because no one wants to type that into a search engine, much less put it on their credit card. Fun with Pedophiles is not the best title in an internet age where pedophilia is... Even trying to stop pedophilia.

So we're just going to make it the subtitle, The Best of Baiting. Yes. If Chris Hansen were funny, that's what we should call it. If Chris Hansen was in the least bit funny and not self... Right. Self-aggrandizing? Yes, that works. It's punked meets to catch a predator.

Yeah, exactly. Can we use that? Yeah, use it. She knows Hollywood speak. She can do the UN translation for anything in Hollywood speak. Give me a topic. I'll translate it to Hollywood. I'm not whippy enough to do that.

And I told you earlier, I want to do a podcast because we have to, but I don't want to have to take Adderall to do it well. Anyway, back to New York City. We did AOL. They were just like live Google.

We did Google does, I don't know, it's a live video, but Google was only in-house. Like you go to Google home office and they ain't no Twitter, but it's still like that. You went into a studio like TRL Live when Carson Daly used to have live studio audience. You go to where they work. to a studio like TRL Live when Carson Daly used to have a live studio audience.

Brian and I went to Twitter's home office in San Francisco and they had a DJ playing. You walk into if you fucking Norton me one more time by sitting there

and not making eye contact and looking at your fucking phone. First of all, I got an alert because your goddamn manager replied to something on Twitter. So I'm so sorry that he decided to engage. Not recently. Yeah, just now. I just now replied to something? No, Hennegan. Hennegan.

Oh, your man. The other manager. I've been calling him my agent now. Just to... Okay, so you're at Silicon Valley. You're at Twitter. I know what you're talking about because I worked at...

They have basically a fucking golf course on a fucking upstairs outdoor patio. They have common areas where everyone can hang out or there's a chef making crepes. You walk into a Caesar's Palace palace like buffet with a dj playing that's where they have lunch when you work at twitter every other office is a game room with foosball and asteroids and no one's working oh but are they but are they they're making money

i don't know if they're working or what they're working at. It's the coolest place. Google, we walk in thinking it's going to be the same thing, but it's a New York style. It's kind of, and we made a joke. Hennigan says, well, it's no Twitter. He goes, oh, it's way better than Twitter. And we both had to bite our tongues because it ain't. Who, your liaison?

It's a buffet. It's a golden corral compared to a fucking Caesar. It's East Coast, West Coast. Anyway, we do some live fucking Q&A bullshit. It was AOL, not Google. No, that was Google. That was Google? Google was saying, oh, we're better than Twitter.

No. You have more money, but you ain't paying it back to the fucking kids that work there. You ain't wasting it like Twitter is. I prefer the Prodigy Bean Trough. That's my favorite snack of the

dot-com industry. Or the Earthlink Soda Bar. I like the Hotlink soda bar. I like the hot male smoothie. It's just ice. I don't know what else we... What else... My bag.

No, he's kidding. Your bag is the... That's the end spot. You weren't even in the fucking city. I was in the Big Apple, man. I'm trying to tell people what the big city is like. Someone in fucking Tromso, Norway is listening, and they want to know what the big city is like.

It's like... Well, you explore so much. I'm sure you could give them an insight into all the things a tourist could possibly do, given that you go experience all of those things. What's your favorite tourist activity in New York City? Anywhere. Anywhere. I went to the Old Town Bar, which had some history to it.

And it was across from my hotel, which I... They told me it was Midtown, but it was like 19th Street. That's not Midtown. No, you told me you were in Midtown and then later you were like I'm by Union Square and I was like that's not Midtown at all it was where Union Square you said you were by Union Square which is in Midtown in any in any sense I know I told a lot of people I was in Midtown or Or two. That's why no one contacted you because nobody else was in Midtown. I don't contact anyone. I contacted people saying, hey, I'm near Midtown, but I have to do a thing so I won't be able to hook up. I'm near Midtown is the biggest cock block of plans that you could possibly throw out in New York.

Nobody wants to hang out with you. What does that mean? I'm near Midtown. It's just no one lives there. So it's like, if you say I'm in Midtown, you should just always say that, even if you're not, because people do live near Union Square, but nobody lives in Midtown.

And no one lives near fucking Los Feliz or whatever the fuck you're from. First of all, everybody I know does, but go ahead. Go ahead, go ahead. That's a neighborhood, Doug. Point being, everybody I know does, but go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. That's a neighborhood, Doug. Point B, L.A. and New York, I know a million people, and they try to make plans if they know you're there, and I try to shadow that.

This is another thing I have to get to with New England. Next, when you're in New York or Los Angeles you have a million friends that you've known from a quarter century on the fucking road and you want they want to make plans but they live okay what if

we meet this how about and then you have to schedule an Uber and judge traffic. There's so much trajectory. No, just if you're at the bar, I see you at the bar. Kerry Mitchell's bar, I'll be near it at some point if I see you or I don't. I can't make, all right, it's 9 a.m.

What about at 4.30? At 4.30, I might be fucked. So, no. In Bisbee, you can go, this is where I live. I'm in town, and I'm drinking. You can be here in five minutes. I can schedule that. I can schedule five minutes out.

I don't know where I'm going to be at the end of the fucking day. It sounds like Midtown is a good answer for Doug. Yeah, it's a great answer because nobody wants to be in Midtown unless they're working there, and if they're working there, they don't want to be there after they work, so you're good. So without him knowing what a good answer that is.

No, I recognize that. When he told me he was in Midtown and then eventually I found out where he was, and he wasn't in Midtown. He was actually very close to other things. Well, you always give me shit about Los Feliz. Why don't you come to Los Feliz? Well, because it's fucking LA

and I hate traffic. That's why I left that place. I'd rather be obscure than have to ever sit in traffic. Alright. I thought you'd like it. It's a nice area. Let's try to be nice. But the other problem is, maybe something else happened where I get all fucked up and now I'm at Barney's Beanery and I don't have pants on and I don't know why. And I don't want to let you down.

So I just try to tell people when I told you I was in L.A., don't tell anyone I'm in fucking L.A. I told nobody. You went back to L.A. We were in New York in Midtown. I know. But I'm saying fucking LA. I told nobody. You went back to LA. We were in New York, in Midtown. I know, but I'm saying both of them, New York and LA are places, unless you're in a block radius, no.

Come to Bisbee. All right, wait a minute. Hold that thought. We'll be right back. Hey, the three of us, Greg Chaley, Chad Shank, and myself are all wearing similar but equal movement watches. I don't know if you wear a watch anymore or you just stare at your fucking phone, you fraudulent asshole.

Well, let me see. Because you don't even check the time. You check your fucking Twitter. You forget because you don't even check the time you check your fucking twitter you forget that you even needed to know the time if you wear a watch like a real man like me i like simple i wore the same watch for at least the last 20 years black wristband white face nothing special i special. I enjoy that. Guess who makes an upgraded model of simple movement?

Movement Watches was founded on the belief that style should break... ... ... Movement Watches was founded on the belief, Doug, that style shouldn't break the bank. It doesn't.

What are they, like 99 bucks? They start at around $95, yeah. But I don't even know how much a watch costs because I haven't had a watch forever. What you just said, like you just pick up your phone. Staring at your phone. Now I don't have to go dig for my phone. It's right there. And there's so many different styles that I got one.

I like dive watches. And I got one in a style I never would have gotten, which is a silicone band, which is very comfortable to me. Chad Shank. I got the, it's like all, well, it's solid black, of course. Actually, though, I didn't even pick this. Jenny picked it. It's a Voyager.

I think it has multiple times and stuff on it. I think she got it because it looks sexy. She wanted me to look, you know, I usually don't look very sexy, so she wanted me to look more sexy. Mine has the date on it. It should have the month and year with my failing memory. It is a bigger face than your other watch

that you've had for over 20 years, which is a great upgrade for your failing eyesight. The only reason I've worn a watch is because on stage I get drunk and I go, oh shit, they dropped tabs 48 minutes ago.

I'm like two hours into this show, I should leave. And as I'm aging, yeah, a bigger face works for me. Hey, movement watches start at just $95. And at a department store, I don't even know what it costs. They say here four to 500 bucks. But even if it's like 300, you're saving money by going to movement. That's MVMT.com slash Stanhope for a special deal. If you have to wear

a watch and you want to look like you're cool with your watch, you're a douchebag. But you can have an expensive watch that's not expensive, and yet, you know what I'm saying. Hey, Doug, over 1 million watches have been sold in over 160 countries with movement. Hey, Chad, what time is it? Now is the time to step up your watch game can i get you something it's a fucking come on that's a classic comedy like staple cliche slowly i turn step by step chad when someone comes in late to a comedy show the hackneyed response from a comic is hey can i get you something like a watch and then you say as a new comic you say what Get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to MVMT.com slash Stanhope.

Stanhope, that's me. Go to MVMT.com slash Stanhope. Join the movement. Come on, let's do that one more time. Go to MVMT.com slash Stanhope. No, we're only doing Join the Movement. Okay, gotcha. We need a director.

Put this out. This is fucking great. This is way better than a fucking commercial we have to read is all the fuck-ups. Go to MVMT.com slash Stanhope. Join the movement! So get your movement watch. In the old days, they used to tell the time by the stars, but with Chad Shank, Greg Chaley, and I,

now you can tell the time with the stars. All right, all right, we're back. All right, what were we talking about? So you also did a couple other podcasts while you were in town. I did Jay Oakerson's other podcast, not Legion of Skanks, but his other one that he wasn't there for. He was preparing for Legion's Skank Fest, preparing for Legion of Skankfest,

which as much as I hated missing it, I had to miss it. Because last year when we did that book tour and we did Legions of Skanks... Did you do something on stage for that? The last two years have been the biggest... I should go to rehab kind of blackout functions, where it's, like, just crazy. Legions of Skanks was one of them.

I don't know if that was the same tour where I had to do Stern one morning, shit-faced. I started drinking on stern at 7am you walked in with a bottle and then Ron Bennington where that was the first time I had like a panic attack where I

just shaking hard to move my mouth kind of like scary I'm having a stroke am I having a stroke shaking, hard to move my mouth, kind of, like, scary. Like, I'm having a stroke. Am I having a stroke?

It was with a live audience, small live audience. That was the book tour. This was one day. Then I did David Feldman's podcast in my room, then had to go out and do Ants, you know, go out and do Ants, Opie and Anthony, Ant, Cumia. By then I'm shit-faced.

Then I go to Artie Lang's at night at his house. This place, yeah. In Jersey? Beautiful view. Beautiful view. If you can see. If you're looking in the right direction. With one eye closed, one hand over an eye going, oh, fuck.

Where you go, I'm going to die. I'm really going to die in one day. Beautiful view if you're looking out the window. I was looking at his. I fucking love Artie, by the way. And by the way, can I just say this? I've never been more surprised by somebody being really nice to me.

Like, you know when you meet people and you're like, ah, I don't know. And he's the nicest fucking dude in the world. Is he not? Yeah, no, I can't imagine him not being a nice guy. There is an East Coast comedy thing that I don't get.

They're almost conservatives. Well, they're all relatively right-wing. Politically speaking. Even Norton, who is so not right-wing as a person,

seems a little right-wing. His lifestyle is so right wing as a person seems a little right wing. Like his lifestyle is so completely left wing. But he still has right wing ideals. Nick DiPaolo. I don't know about

Colin. I'll stop this podcast if you fucking keep doing that. I'm looking at the Major League Baseball schedule. This is what fucking Norton would do on Opie and Anthony. I'm looking at the Major League Baseball schedule. I'm sorry. Is that part of the fucking podcast?

Yeah. You are the fucking front row. You're the cunt I threw out of Scranton that was sitting there snapping in the front row. I'm sorry if I think that a Dodger game would be a little more interesting than whatever you're... Then beat it. All right.

Then beat it. I'll go to the La Quinta. Sitting there talking to me, checking baseball scores while we're trying to have a fucking conversation. Norton would do that to Norton's credit on Opry and Anthony. Norton would just be on

his phone the whole time, yet still have the best jokes of the entire podcast. I feel like I'm paying attention. I feel like I'm paying attention. I think this is a compliment. You're not helping me pay attention when you're staring at a thing And I'm having a conversation with you

Well I'm sorry Sometimes I try to show you a fun comedy sketch And you're looking at your phone And you don't hear that either But that's not the show This is a show No When you try to show me a fucking funny comedy sketch

And it's fucking 9.30 in the morning And I have half an eye mask on and half off, I'm not in the mood for fucking blind eye with Chris Morris. It's called Brass Eye. Whatever. One of the greatest shows of all time.

Yeah. I thought you guys would like a modern day Facebook name. Chaley's back. Sorry, I was taking a leak. Unplug her, Mike. I thought you guys would like a modern day baseball game. Chaley's back. Yeah, please do. Sorry, I was taking a leak. All right, unplug her mic. She wants to listen to the fucking Dodgers game.

No, I don't. I want to see it on the TV. All right. Is that what this is? Is this connected? Oh, it's not connected. It will be. All right.

Just need to see what this is. Doug keeps talking about how you have all the equipment. It's just an HDMI cable attached to the lightning. Now you're fucking got Chaley involved in tech issues. Fuck this podcast. Okay. Morgan Murphy will never be on the road again. What was the chive thing?

What was the chive thing you did? Chive thing. I don't know. I retweeted it. Look it up. Yeah, we were really hammered by then. So then Tracy and I. It was fun, though. We show up in Nyack

and we're there a day early. This is where Murphy's bag comes in. You and Morgan were at the bar, but I had heard about something with her luggage, but we'll get to that. The hotel is called The Time. The Time

Nyack. The Time Nyack. If you've ever been to an aloft, which we love, they're Ikea hotels. Ikea boutique. It's called The Time because the part of it called Not That Great of a was fell off the building. So now it's just called The Time. Yeah, it's a

Ikea. We stayed in another one that was like that. You're not talking about the Portland. No, it was in the last couple days. We stayed in one that was kind of boutique-y. Anyway, the Time Nyack. Where's the remote for the TV, by the way?

Fuck, don't. Get a room. I want the Dodger game in the background. I want the Dodger game in the background. No, you can't get the Dodger game in the background. All right, fine. I won't have it in the background. I'll sit in my bed.

It's a baseball game. It will last for far longer than you're going to drag this fucking podcast. I'll sit back in my bed and you disagree with people at me and I'll listen. So we had the Nyack and then we had the Radisson in Harrisburg. Anyway, Murphy shows up. I get out of New York. I get to Nyack, which is like a suburb of some kind. They get a good room.

The levity live is the same as a funny bone or an improv now they're all in these adult destination malls they know how comedy works it goes for this long we drop tabs at this time but you

know they're gonna take care of you you get a green room they bring you food audience is good. But Murphy shows up. You came from where? Los Angeles. And what airline? JetBlue.

By the way, which I love. JetBlue. We're not going to shit on them. I love JetBlue. Fantastic. Show up. Land at... I mean, I took a red eye. So it was in the middle of the up. Land at... I mean, I took a red-eye, so it was in the middle of the night.

Land in the morning. Baggage people are drunk as you. Yeah, wait for the bags to go around and around and around. I woke up with one minute left in my flight. I took a sleep. I took a sleep and woke up with one minute in my flight. Land. Get to the carousel. Watch all the bags go around and around and around and around

to the point where you know, oh, there's no more bags. There's a problem. It's a problem. Go to the JetBlue baggage meeting. One more round. Me and Ronnie from Jersey Shore in there yelling about our bags. He was quite upset. No bags. He was quite upset. And no bag.

You were both upset, but you saw what a dick he was being and took the better path. He was being more of a dick than me. I have to say this. Could have been more of a dick. I actually respected his calm, but he was like me, which was like, I just need my bag. And I just needed my bag because I had all of my clothes. No, he was being more of a dick because they were going to put him on another flight. And I won't sit in the middle seat.

He wouldn't sit middle. I would have done the same thing. Not if I bought a first class ticket. They said at some point, JetBlue people said, because I showed them my ticket, which had this, you know, they put the sticker on the back of your ticket with your bag info on it. My bag info said, Jack McCrory, Boston. I'm Morgan Murphy, JFK. So I was like, well, I assume they sent it to Boston. And the lady told me at some point after waiting two hours at JFK because she wanted to confirm the location of my bag when I was there,

that it was at Boston. And then I went to the hotel to meet you guys and said, my bag's in Boston, I don't have it, stay in here, etc., etc. Cut to three days later, still no bag, have to go to the fucking store in the mall that sells fat clothes and get some fat clothes. Not fat clothes. Like, I don't even know what to say about fat clothes. Bulky.

Like, I don't know. Big and tall for women. Ten and up. Yeah. And I'm a fucking, I'm six feet tall. I'm certainly above a size ten. And I needed some god damn genes so I had to go to the Torrid

I love Torrid it's fantastic also by the way I gotta say this shout out to Torrid when you go in if you're a size 12 a size 14 you're not anymore you're a size 0 a size 1 they start at 10

so 10 is a 0 they lie to you they lie to you they lie to you in the way that you love like every fucking marriage that has any longevity whatsoever it was fantastic I got a couple of 1's I am a size 1

I got some 1 of ones. I am a size one torrid. I got some one pants, some one panties, some necklaces, some shit to wear for the show. And then three days later, in Nyack, because that's the one that we were at when we found out not only had Whiskey Girl died, but Nowhere Man had killed himself. That's where we were sitting having breakfast in the home of the New Jersey cheesecake fucking... No, there was a slew, is slew the right word? A slew of advertisements on the wall sort of toting their cheesecakes, which apparently was like the most famous cheesecake of the area. What was the name of the hotel? It was Westgate Inn. Westgate Inn. Fantastic.

Everything we want in a motor lodge. Outdoor, the rooms you can back your van up to the room. It's two level but there's plenty of them. Yeah, but you get first floor

and the room opens up like a motel and you back your shit up and you can unload everything right into the room. No fucking cart, no valet, no... I like any place where the cheesecake is more famous than the hotel brand. Well, that was the thing. In this little tiny diner attached to the hotel, some woman is known for winning the best cheesecake in New Jersey. New Jersey Fair. State Fair. I know, but Nyack is New York.

But you can enter. That's right. No, they're right there on the edge. I never put that together until right now. Nyack is right. It was the New Jersey State Fair. They're right on the edge. Shut that fucking TV off. No, because you said. I don't want her on the edge. Shut that fucking TV off.

I don't want her on the fucking podcast. You said, fine. I don't want her on. No. I don't want to be on. What was her name? Who had the cheesecake? Tracy or something?

No, that's... I don't know. Tracy's with us. No, but I mean, it was something like that. Let me just speed through this boring fucking story. It's amusing to us. The listener, probably not so much. But this little diner in the Westgate Motor Lodge or whatever it is, the woman won, what was it, six years in a row?

Yeah, four or five years in a row. Their cheesecake was Rihanna famous. It was famous in the area for being the greatest. years in a row. Their cheesecake was Rihanna famous. Like so it was famous in the area for being the greatest cheese. To them till we tried it and then to us. Oh it's fucking delicious. It was amazing. It was

tasted like cheesecake to me. It was fantastic cheesecake. I've never had a bad one. Six pounds. That cheesecake weighs six pounds. The entire menu, like the first two pages were a Wikipedia page of the woman

who won the best New Jersey cheesecake thing. And the entire walls of the diner were filled with these like grainy, blown up fucking cell phone, flip phone, cell phone camera pictures of her with someone with their cheesecakes.

And at the front desk of the motel, there was pictures of her framed. Yeah, with certain pseudo-celebrities. Mariska Hagee from Law & Order. Yeah, yeah, yeah. John Bonet Ramsey. Right. If she hadn't been murdered, and you go, oh, my daughter, she won the beauty pageant

and every fucking thing is JonBenet Ramsey, but you don't know who JonBenet Ramsey is. But you do after you stay at the Westgate. Oh, there's some yelling going on outside. Yeah, it was good, Cheese good cheesecake because they have a lounge there. They have the diner, and it's open until about 10 o'clock at night. And then a great burger.

Point being, we had to stay there for three fucking days because JetBlue couldn't find Murphy's bag. All the King's horses and all the King's men at JetBlue. And you were rightfully just breaking apart. Like, I don't know what else I can do. They were just so fucked. Well, it's in Boston, and they found it, but it was never in Boston.

I have to say the most embarrassing part of it was explaining to them how much things in my luggage cost because i was embarrassed to say i spent that much on anything but i had to be honest with them and i was like look i like i didn't know how far back i have 400 burner socks no but i wasn't you don't know how big my feet are they're man size back to go in this story where like I didn't know if I should say, hey, look, I have a $500 sweater in there. Or if I just say, hey, look, I gained some weight this year. I needed some clothes to fit comfortably. I went to Saks.

I bought some things that made me feel good about myself. And that's what's in the luggage. Like I didn't know how much of the story to tell them. And I had to say, look, this is how much my shit cost. And I wanted to explain to them that it's for very, like, logical reasons. But I didn't over explain. I just told them. If you've ever been in a position where they lost your luggage, it was to a point where it's on its way,

it'll be there before midnight. And it wasn't. The first day, naughty. And then, no. The next morning, you start from scratch. No. Yep, we found it. It's a no.

Can I give a specific shout-out, though? Let me finish in that by the time on day three your bag arrived we erupted into applause like when elizabeth smart was finally found alive after a year of being john bonnet but no she's alive and the bag is here we we're taking pictures of the bag in the party lot. Honestly, it arrived in one car with one guy, like a ransom payment. We couldn't leave Nyack to get to the next gig. We fortunately had a night off, but we had to stay there waiting for the fucking bag. We had to stay there waiting for the fucking bag. But JetBlue and their customer service people were kind enough to refund the entire price of my ticket,

to refund the entire price of my fat clothes that I bought at the mall. They were very nice to me. It makes me want to fly them again, even though I didn't want to when they lost my ship. Yeah, Delta hasn't done that for me when they fucked me over. They gave me 20,000 frequent flyer miles, which uh, yeah.

There's a dollar value on that. I don't know what it is. Yeah, it's uh. Yeah, it buys a fucking noodle dish at the airport when you can align your mileage with the menu. If you want to cash in your frequent flyer miles, oh, you could get a round trip for 25,000 miles. If you keep searching, oh, that destination, that's 75,000 miles. Oh, that destination, that's 75,000 miles.

Well, they do that thing where they go, for every dollar you spend, you get a mile, right? Like that kind of shit. I was at the airport coming here, and I went to an Asian restaurant and ordered some noodles, and it was like, would you like to pay with cash, or you can use 2,500 points? And I was like, I didn't spend $2,500 to eat this shrimp pad thai.

Like, that's what it bought me. That's what it bought me. All of my mistake purchases bought me a shrimp pad thai at the fucking airport. If I had... You have an assistant that does your thing.

If I had an assistant... Mm-hmm does your thing. If I had an assistant. You do. You have nine. Go ahead. No. Here's the one thing I would want an assistant for is to coordinate. Hennigan can do it on some level. He doesn't do it for me.

He does it expertly for himself. The points guy on Twitter. The points guy. The guys who know how to manipulate all the credit cards, all the hotel. I'm good at that. We don't do the hotel thing just because I have preference on hotel hotel meaning shitty. Like right now, we're at the hospitality in Buffalo Airport because they have a smoking room. You're not going to get miles.

And by the way, you transferred from a hotel about 30 feet away that was technically nicer. A lot of people would say nicer. Name brand. Every review is a shitty name. La Quinta. was technically nicer. A lot of people would say nicer. Name brand. But for you, it's worse. A shitty name. La Quinta. You transfer from a La Quinta to a...

Patel Motel Mafia. Yeah, to a hotel that is... To a no Quinta. Were it a food, it would be a white bag with the word motel in blue on it. And you were thrilled about it. Yeah, because it has the doors that open out, because this is a night off, and that's when you have

to unload the entire van, repack, go, what suit am I wearing next fucking chunk of tour? You've got to find your shit. When you do road trips like this people don't understand at some point you just freak out and go where's all my shit like i tucked we had a late checkout and i was still not awake so I tucked dirty socks into that fold of the

outside of one roller bag and I'm trying to at some point you go where's my shit where's those fucking gummy bears we bought in the summer that are now one loaf of melted gummy bears from sitting

in the fucking hot van it makes you crazy. It is hard to know what is your stuff in your suitcase or your carry-on or that plastic bag filled with jerky. Or where is it? Like, where is everything you need? We poured the Jameson into a sneaky bottle of unsweetened tea. into a sneaky bottle of unsweetened tea, but we keep buying unsweetened tea,

and we're afraid to drink out of any of them because one of them might be Jameson. And is it hot, Jameson? Can I pee, though? Is this a good time to pee? Go pee because we want to talk about you behind your back. Yeah, I figured as much. All right, because we've got to get to Scranton. That's the fucking, that's the missile.

We still haven't talked about the job interview you gave at the New York bar. All right, we'll come back to that. We'll regroup. When it comes to food, just sign for it. It's all paid for. Oh, my God. You were serious? Yeah, I got sushi.

I got Japanese food. Oh, awesome. Did you get bacon and pineapple pizza sushi? All right. Thank you. I like Philadelphia roll. You know what's right down the street? What?

Pizza? There's a Salvation Army. Without burning pee through the toilet seat and the seat, I have to sit in the back of the toilet. Oh, yeah. It's a short toilet, and you're a tall girl. Yeah. Short toilet and a tall, tall girl. That's a Joan Armatrading song.

Doug, there's a Salvation Army down the street. I love it when you call me names. Let's play that at the end. If Joan Armatrading tried to sue us for fucking copyright infringement. Right down the street. What is it? Salvation Army. Just past the Bob Evans.

Friendlies. Friendlies. Oh, my God. A fish in a jig would make me feel so much greasier. They're open until midnight. No, I don't want to do it. It's so fucking greasy. Okay.

That stuff when I was 13. It's fucking greasy. Okay. That stuff when I was 13. Yeah, you don't feel unhealthy eating the greasiest fish sandwich. Even a filet of fish at McDonald's makes you feel disgusting. You got to scrape the tartar off. They just put too much on. This is Friendly's Fish-a-ma-jig sandwich.

What's on it? Build it. Well, it's dripping with fucking tartar sauce. So it's bathed in tartar. But it's like a grilled cheese bread. It's buttered bread. No. Oh.

Grilled, thick, buttery bread with weeping cheese and all sorts of tartar sauce and you feel it coming through your pores once you eat even a little bit but it's so god damn good comfort food there's a friendlies down the road

Rachel Ray says that all food should feel like soul food like comfort food. Like comfort food. Like chitlins? No, just like that all food should fuel your soul. But there's comfort foods that were good when you were a kid that now you go, oh, I'm going to die. Whatever I ate today where I said I feel

gouty. Oh, you ate tomato bisque last night that made you feel gouty and then I finished it. Because you're younger. No, it's not that I'm younger. It's just that I grew up with an expectation

of overeating. You know what I mean? It's just that I grew up with an expectation of overeating. Okay. You know what I mean? No, I get it. It's a very Jewish. Doug hates when I fucking drop the Jew thing. But it is a very Jewish. It's not fucking Jewish at all.

It is. Overeating is very Jewish. It's very like that you're fed until you're fed. That's Italian. Jesus. Yeah, it's the same thing. No, it's not the same thing it is

well in Judaism I fucking grew up with fucking Jews Italians are overfed I don't know why they're overfed Jews are overfed until they forget the Holocaust that's

that you're just overfed Jewish food is so disgusting I can't imagine you being fucking anything but anorexic you don't like Kugel you don't

I was anorexic for three months well you should be if you eat Jewish food. Kugel is like a sweet pasta. It's like a dessert pasta. That's why the Germans tried to exterminate you. You're the only people who ate more bland, awful food than them, and they didn't want to rival.

Oh, yeah. This town ain't big enough. This town ain't big enough. This town ain't big enough for... Matzah? Oh, we eat wet dough. Oh, that beats our... What's the fucking German staple? Svetli.

No, that you put on hot dogs. Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut. Oh, sauerkraut almost has a flavor. They eat wet dough. They're stealing our jobs. Get a train. Can you imagine if Amtrak...

What? Here we go. Can you imagine if Amtrak was in charge of killing the Jews. There you go. Yeah, there's a lot of delays because the freight trains have, I don't know if you ever traveled by Amtrak, but that's the king of the 18-hour delay. We always wanted to do an Amtrak tour because I love the train, but every time you take them, literal 18-hour delays.

And I want to picture a lot of Jews on an Amtrak train going, can't you just kill me? Because I'm tired of sitting here waiting for the freight trains to come. It's only going from the barracks to the oven. From the freezer to the barracks to the oven. Does anyone remember that? Somebody would complain that the barracks to the oven. Does anyone remember that?

Somebody would complain that the worst part of the Holocaust was the train delay from the ghetto to Dachau. It was all fine. But then they took us from the ghetto to Dachau and there was a four hour delay. Six hour delay outside of Wichita and they wouldn't let us off to smoke. You talk to the employees, they don't know anything. This might be a three parter because I don't know if we're going to get back to. Wait, what did you say we had to get back to? By the way, I like complaining about how long it took you to get to a concentration camp.

They said we were going to be on time. We're going to sleep. Does anyone have a watch? Does anyone have a watch? I didn't get to Bergen-Belsen until 2 a.m. And you know what I would say? That would be a Jewish thing. You would.

No, a Jew would complain. Complain, right, of course. That's why they were told to I agree with the negative stereotypes, but overeating? Get on the train and leave their earrings in the apartment. They took

a lot of their jewelry. It's fine. It's gaudy. We were going to come back. It's gaudy. We were going to come back and talk about you conducting an interview at the bar. So we're at Nyack. I'm going to take a leak. Watch out, because I'm going to be very honest with you, and I'm embarrassed to say it. I can't pee on that fucking toilet without my tinkles sprinkling out between the...

Okay, hold on. Oh, you got to front load it. Hello? Oh, you got to front load it. fucking toilet without my tinkles sprinkling out between the Okay, hold on. Let me answer this. Oh, you got to front load it. I wish I could put this on the podcast. I was going to say we can take care of this without you, but she took a fucking phone call on a podcast.

Someone's yelling behind me. I apologize. What's that? She's on the fucking phone, Jaylee. Seriously. She took a fucking phone call on the podcast. Are you at the hotel? What hotel are we at? We're not at a hotel. We're at a...

No, no one's invited. Next to the La Quinta, we're at the... No, no one's invited here. I ordered food. Oh, all right. Sorry. All right, never mind. No, next to the La Quinta, We're at the, what's it called?

The Hospitality Inn. Hospitality Inn. Sorry, my bad. I was bad there. I thought she had friends coming. If you see the motorcycle in the parking lot, we're right next to that. I'll come back. It's the door is open.

Okay. All right. Thank you, sir. Hold on. My bad. Sorry. You should have told me. It's the food.

I thought you had a friend coming over. All right. Chaley and... Sir fucking Chatzalot. Going to get sushi. We got some takeout sushi. This will probably be edited out of the podcast, but it shouldn't be because, yeah, you don't fucking start tweeting and watching baseball. Like if I did Joe Rogan's podcast and all of a sudden I was taking calls or fucking putting on TV.

Hang on. Making calls or fucking putting on TV. Hang on. No, just ignore the fact that I'm trying to hook up an HDMI cable, Joe Rogan, on your podcast. Yeah, no, I'm just going to fiddle because I want to watch TV while I'm your guest. Unfucking believable. I can't wait to burn this girl with cigarettes In her sleep I can't wait to drug her drink like Cosby

Oh, sorry No, I was talking In front of your back While you were turned the other way It's just it's like if you stepped in shit on the lawn

outside of my door and then came in and wiped your feet on my carpet. It's kind of like that. But we do have sushi and she'll go hey i bought you sushi and always neglect the fact that she just completely ran roughshod over the podcast by playing fucking games and music and tweeting and Facebooking and Tindering for Negroes.

Ow! I'm sorry that there are so many things in my life that are more interesting than you. That's what you get. When you get Morgan Murphy as a podcast guest, she goes, oh, I'm so uninterested in even being part of this, I will just shit all over it. Fortunately, she doesn't do that on stage. She comes on stage, she crushes, she kills. While I'm working on my act in the hotel

she tries to sabotage it by saying oh that reminds me about me let me talk while you're trying to fucking pay attention with the last three synapses in your head let me dance all over

with that size ten and a half fucking soft shoe that I wear and scuff my feet. Let me snort like. Right when you're about to try to not throw up for once. Don't worry. This is all being cut out. I just don't remember what button to push.

And I don't have my reading glasses. Alright. I don't remember what button to push, and I don't have my reading glasses. I thought it was just plates, because I got noodles. All right. Woo-hoo! Where were we? What were we talking about? Just hit the button. Hit the...

What? Stop it? The pause. Hey, this is Rhonda Rousey, and you're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Where did we leave that one? Where were we? Hard to remember. arguing probably somewhere between you yelling at me for interrupting or not paying attention which are the opposite things

like there's literally you yelled at me for interrupting and you yelled at me for not interrupting and I don't know what to do I don't know whether or not to fucking interrupt or look at my phone a lot of times not to fucking interrupt or look at my phone. Oh, I'm sorry. A lot of times in a conversation,

I talk back about what we're talking about and not use what you said as a diversion down, hey, what about me lane? And if that doesn't happen, I don't go, oh, if we're not talking about me, I'm going to go on the internet at lunch. I had work emails. Then you shouldn't be on a fucking podcast. All right, I'll leave. I'll hang out with the owners.

Where are you going to go? I'm going to go to the lobby. You have nowhere to go. No one even likes you. They're fucking Indians. I'm going to go to the fucking lobby with my people, and I'll ask that kid to show me his dirt bike. Potel Motel Mafia, but they have a smoking room.

You can't leave me. I'm in a smoking room. I do have a point. I'm going to go to the motel with that lady and her dogs. They don't leave me. I'm in a smoking room. I do have a point. I'm going to get a little lakinto with that lady and her dogs. They don't have smoking rooms. That's alright. I don't need to smoke when I'm not around you. I hear

that a lot. I hear that from a lot of the ladies. Alright, where were we, Chaley? Gregory Chaley? Okay, go ahead, Chaley okay go ahead Chaley you guys were going to talk about giving that job interview at the Nyack Time Hotel alright yeah so

we were at a point where I was going to say hey let's make this a three parter but no we're at the Nyack Hotel we're day drinking on a night off, waiting for Chaley to get there, the gig's the next day,

let's sit here at the whatever... At the sort of gastropubby bar eating bagged frozen corn. Go ahead. It would be... if hipster were cool enough to become TGI Fridays, that would be like, no, we're a hipster bar.

No, you're a fake hipster bar. Wait, can we be faker than hipsters? Yes. Yes, you can. You can be the Time Nyack. Just a plastic, shitty hotel. I had a lot of beefs with them that I forgot, but I remember leaving going, all the staff was cool, but everything else sucked, and I don't remember why.

But I always... Me and Miss Eminem, Morgan Murphy, sitting day drinking at the bar on her day off she just got in waiting for her bag that will not show up for days having some cocktails daytime and they were interviewing for

the new banquet manager because we're sitting there for quite a while and there's always some doofus in a tie or a lady dress smart sitting on the back wall of this empty bar on the in the booth section and you go oh that's a job interview and then the manager would come out and talk to them and then they'd go away and then a new one would show up and then they'd go away with the manager so by the time we're a little bit liquored up

some dowdy woman dowdy I think would be a good way to describe her I would have called her a perfectly nice person but go ahead why does dowdy mean not nice? I just don't understand why you had to signal out her

fucking appearance I feel like she was just a nice lady. But dowdy is... Maybe she was nice and dowdy. She was dowdy. I don't even... She's the kind of person who's so regular

she would never expect a stranger talking about her on a podcast. Go ahead. Nailed it. I didn't say she was ugly or something. You're just getting fucking contentious because I'm contentious with you for being rude on my podcast. She was dowdy, and no one even knows what that means. She's a rumpled lady that tried to put herself together enough for an interview.

She was rumpled in real life, and she buttoned that top button barely to look professional. And she was very nice. She was sweet. Very nice. And I was... Very sweet. And I was very sweet as the manager. You had one of your...

I was the general manager. Who pretended to be the interviewer. I go, are you waiting for the interview? And fortunately, I'm still in my suit from a week before with a tie-on, even though it's an awkward suit. Your suit was from 42 years before. But I'd been wearing it for a week since the L.A. shit started. So I go, oh, I'm sorry. Are you here for the interview?

Oh, come on over. I waved her over to the bar. Oh, she was over on the back wall. Oh, yeah. Way back wall where they all have a seat right here and the manager will be with you. And we're just slung over having fucking day manhattans or whatever we're drinking i i'm sorry we i'm just so deep in the weeds i didn't know come on over listen we're just kind of a carefree organization i don't know

if you remember what i said oh no, no, I remember. I'm sorry, am I interrupting your fucking baseball? Do you know when you make eye contact? I was paying attention. I was going to say. But if you look at me and you don't stare at the fucking baseball game, I feel more comfortable talking to you. I was thinking that you interrupted me in the middle of my trying to look for a place to leave because I knew you were going to commit to a bit that I couldn't commit to emotionally.

I'll do this. I'll look in your eyes when they're staring in a different direction. So it feels like we're having an actual conversation. Fine. It's not your act. You can't just fucking go on autopilot and say it. I'm not on autopilot. autopilot and say it.

I'm not on autopilot. You're talking about a part of the night where you were doing a bit and pretending to be somebody and this person was waiting for an interview and I thought I don't want any part of this because this poor lady just wants to be interviewed by her boss and you're ruining her time.

You did have that look on your face. You didn't play at all. Not at all. You were less day drinking than me. Yeah, I will. I'll give you that. You were not nearly as... I'll commit to most bits, but this poor lady wanted to make sure there were enough fucking finger sandwiches on a tray at a fucking hotel in wherever we were.

And I didn't want her being fooled. Well, I did fool her well. Yeah, you fooled her very well. You convinced her so much that she was there to meet with you that I'm not sure we're going to the same place after we die. She kind of did open up her bowels, like why she left her last job. Yeah, of course she did, because you were like,

oh, I'm so sorry I'm so late. I just, oh man, tell me why she left her last job and of course she did because you were like oh i'm so sorry i'm so late i just oh man tell me you want a drink i'll get you a drink it's not like other places you've worked you can have a drink i don't do pranks i'm a nice lady i'm a nice lady to people i i don't do mean comedy. It wasn't mean. It was mean. No, it loosened her up for the next interview. When I finally broke

and I said, listen, I'm not really the general manager. I'm just fucking with you. But you know what? That got the first show out of your system. That part I legitimately accept was valuable for her because she got to kind of have a pretend interview. Like a mock.

Like a mock interview. I will give you an example fight club. The scene where he holds a gun to his head and I'm going to fucking kill you. I'm going to fucking kill you. He's robbing a convenience store or whatever. And then he goes, listen, you're going to go to school. What do you want to do?

Tomorrow, everything will be different because you had a near-death experience. This was the most mild, milquetoast version of, hey, you got through this weird interview now you have to go talk to some fucking the schlub that was the manager of that business with that helmet hair he had like imagine donald trump's hair if it were natural thick hair on a ken doll. That much hair. It was just, like, just, it was the most ridiculous, he looked like the younger Trump. Like a little tiny head with too much hair.

One of the sons? Yeah, one of the sons. And he was a douche. Yeah. I wonder if she got the job. I want to call. I wonder if it was because of or in spite of you. I think she walked away broken. I want to call. I wonder if it was because of her in spite of you. I think she walked away broken. I think his name was Brian.

I think she felt put upon on that whole thing. She had a look in her face when she walked away. I got to tell you the truth. Yeah, she didn't probably get the job. Probably out of his spite for me. Well, no, I told someone afterwards. I go, hey, tell that fucking manager guy that we fucked with her.

The bartender. She ratted you out when you walked away. Fucking rats. The whole fucking hotel. I just remember leaving there going, all the staff's been cool, but everything else fucking sucked about that hotel. Nothing worked.

No vending machines? You had to walk down the street to the liquor store? Yeah. They had an ice machine, but no ice buckets. You still had to call room service to get an ice bucket, and they're only open certain hours. Zero vending.

I said, well, what if I said, you don't have vending machines whatsoever? And they said, no, we're trying to become, we're trendy and some other word. And I go, so that's trendy and modern. That was the other word, modern. And I go, well, when i wake up at three o'clock in the morning parched from drinking at your overpriced bar which was horrifically overpriced for a place that was on the fucking same hill if you ever saw the deer hunter that hill that they lived on in that shack where uh what's her name had to live without her husband yeah that's where it's-her-name had to live without her husband. Yeah, that's where it's located.

The point is... It's right next to the highway, right at a place where truck drivers got nervous and braked. It was very screechy. So I said, I go, what happens when you wake up in the middle of the night parched from drinking at your overpriced bar? And she goes, well, you just go down to the gas station, hump down the fucking hill to a gas station. Where I went.

On a creepy road. You cross a freeway on-ramp. That's the on-ramp right there. You cross the on-ramp to the freeway to get to the creepy gas station in a fucking angry neighborhood. I go, so that's modern? I have to hump down to the fucking creepy gas station and load up ahead of time in case I get thirsty in the middle of the night. Because you don't even have water available you fucking cunts fuck Nyack the time

get on your Yelp and talk about him if you've stayed there and have writing ability that's creative and aren't just the killer termite that goes you fucking suck uh boom

let's get to the meat of the tour that has seemed like a month and we've only done five shows harrisburg was fantastic weird venue but the crowd made up for it oh we like the venue after that pittsburgh cleveland improvs. There was one other. Yeah, that's it. Nyack, Harrisburg. No, I'm coming back to the one. Yeah, Harrisburg. Scabs.

Yeah, Cleveland is the same as it always is. To that first week, which one stands out? We have to mention two names. Do you have the two names? Occasionally we do the surprise guest set. If I find out a comic, a local newbie comic is hanging around or in the audience, we'll just surprise guests at them yeah and hey this next guest set is a surprise for everyone involved because i've never met him don't know nothing about him and he doesn't know he's

about to come up welcome up jeremy cash jeremy cash that was nyack that was the first night and that dude was funny. I feel like everybody you brought up before show, I mean, like every opener you brought up was hilarious. There was only two. Yeah, they were both funny. And they were both hilarious. The other guy wasn't a surprise guest set. That was one of the rare times I actually checked my email.

Watched the video he sent you, yeah. and a guy I mean a lot of people say hey there's a kid from I think he's from New Hampshire he wants to open one of those New England shows and he's a big fat Trump impersonator nah I never emailed him back but nah

I don't need a big fat Trump it's not the right setting. I'm sure you'd do well in whatever you do, but not on this. And this kid, Jeremy Cash went up as a surprise guest. He had no idea. Yeah. Watch for that kid.

But when we were in, was it Harrisburg? Where was it? Scranton. Oh, Scranton. All right. Now we get into the shooter show. Do you remember that guy's name? You know his first name.

No, I don't. Zach Hammond. Zach Hammond. They're both kind of equally innocuous names. Those are names, both of those names are a lazy writer. Zach Hammond. Jeremy Cash. I don't need a new partner.

I'm getting too old for this shit. They're lazy writer's names. Your parents are both lazy writers. Zach Galifianakis is a name that once you can say it, you can't get it out of your head. Jeremy Cash and Zach Hammond. Partnered up again.

You're the writer. Go ahead. Show me some hack writing skills. Oh, I was just waiting for you to move on. Yeah. Oh, so Zach Hammond, he sends me an email that I was bored enough to actually check my emails. And he says, hey, I'm a new comic or whatever. I'm a comic and I see you're coming.

And here's a clip about the time I faked being an attorney. Great clip. And just that. Yeah, you were in. That's enough to watch it, and the story is really fucking funny. It's just he. Genuinely faked being an attorney in a court of law. Yeah, and it's a fucking brilliant story.

And I go, all right. Yeah. You have to do that story, but you're on. And it didn't hurt that in Scranton, I don't even want to tell this story. Scranton, some, we had. We were trying to book Scranton. And we've done this a couple times where... We've done this in huge markets. I won't mention which ones.

Where we didn't... We know we have a draw. We couldn't find a venue that was willing to play because they doubted our... So we sell tickets without a venue. Venue, TBA, in your city. So Brian tries this in shit market Scranton. We sell a few tickets.

Still can't find a venue. Finally, we get a venue. Hey, we already have this many people that bought tickets. And then we get the Ritz Theater or something like that. It's like an event center. We get that, and then some drunken fucking asshole, I assume fan. It's weird that I've done no due diligence on this shithead, that I've done no due diligence on this shithead

but I read four of his Facebook posts that Brian screenshotted like so drunk I believe he's in Ireland but one of them said I should up the fucking place

all so misspelled it's like you have to do ah all so misspelled it's like you have to do shotting with 3 G's well Brian he looks at my Facebook cause I don't

and he blocked the guy on our Facebook so he goes to the Ritz fucking art center their Facebook and mentions shooting up the place which if it's a drunken fan from Ireland yeah that's why I don't go

on Facebook just idiots just write anything I don't care he's writing on the venue's Facebook oh you mentioned shooting turns out the venue their day job at the venue they teach classes for children so parents of children are seeing these facebook comments of i'll shoot the fucking place up. I'll shoot the fucking seven Y's and a Z.

And they're like, someone's gonna shoot it up because they cancelled the fucking... And the guy was very nice about it. He wrote to Brian, I'm sorry. He watched my act, like YouTube clips, with his 12-year-old son and said, oh, we're laughing at this. Then, I'm sorry, now I have to draw the line at death threats.

And you can't explain my entire history and my stupid idiot fan base. He has other people to answer to. You can't explain to the owner of a theater that his aim is probably as bad as his spelling. Absolutely. So they canceled the venue. And this is three days out. This is a Brian Hennigan special where again we start a three week tour. Fucking Ralphie

May, Ron White a million comics. They probably have New Year's Eve of next year booked already. We start a three week tour and Hennigan doesn't even have

the fourth night booked it's a TBA that gets cancelled because of a fucking weird drunk guy in Ireland writing I should not fucking play some

so then we get the gig moved to be fair we don't blame the Ritz not fair, we don't blame the Ritz. Not at all. What? We don't blame the Ritz. No, no, the Ritz was... He had to fucking...

He had to. Anyone would have... That's their cash cow is teaching classes at whatever fucking relic of a venue that might have been anyway. But then he says... The guy's nice enough to say, I'll help you try to find another venue. So he finds a banquet room at the Radisson?

Is it Radisson? Yeah, the Grand Ballroom after the Polk Bridal Shower. The Radisson where we're staying. The Polk family bridal shower was in it. The Radisson where we're staying. They'rek family bridal shower was in it. The Radisson where we're staying. They're getting ahead of me. Oh, I'm sorry. That's the point.

I'll let you get to the bed. I can take that part out. No, no. That's the point is they found. I apologize at this point in the podcast for being too engaged. at this point in the podcast for being too engaged. I know that was your pet peeve earlier, was that I wasn't engaged enough,

so I'm so sorry for being involved. Everything about you is my pet peeve. So? So the guy from the Ritz says, I'll help you find a new venue, and they find a banquet room at the Radisson Hotel. Where if you've ever been poor and had to go to a poor person's wedding, it's that fabric adjustable wall room where the Kiwanis has their Christmas party, where Enterprise Rent-A-Car has their Salesman of the Year award. It's just this stacking chair, dull, all brown, all fabric, all fluorescent lit.

and I had my choice of cancel the gig altogether or let's do this because it's funny that we got 86th for a death threat. And at the time, I said, yeah, that's funny. Well, by the time we get to the gig, it wasn't funny anymore. And there we are in the exact room I pictured with the fucking fabric sliding walls and a... What you're talking about is an air wall,

which can make one, like if you get the smaller room, but then you get more people, you can take that air wall back and you have a double size and then a triple size. And we went. If you ever went to an Amway meeting and you go, I'm only going to this because I can't believe Amway still exists. Yeah, it's that room. Yeah. In the Radisson, down the hallway, away from the buffet, where you go, there's no rooms this way.

What's going on? Well, it's no rooms this way. What's going on? Well, it's Kiwanis. Chaley made it look good. We walked in there early and it was fucking ugly. Delightful pretzels in the back. Delightful.

Chaley made it look as good as it could. Well, thank God there was a wedding a couple days ago because they had the tooling up on one of the back walls. And I plugged in the power strip and all the lights lit up, which I'm sure some bridesmaids took a long time putting that all together. So we moved the stage over to where that was your backdrop. You piggybacked ambiance. Yes, absolutely. At no cost. You piggybacked ambiance. Yes. Absolutely.

At no cost. And it still can't work. It's a box with high ceilings and everyone's in these stackable fucking awful chairs. No PA? No PA. It was

Dufresne Party of Three. Dufresne Party of Three. That kind of sound system. And the most dull audience. Did you feel like you had a good set, Murph? I actually quite liked the room. I thought it was nice. I thought the armed police officers in the back who were keeping an

eye out for us were actually the most receptive audience of the whole group that was the most fucked up part is i assumed i walked down i was day drinking heavily i didn't care anymore no you did that thing where you come in anymore Anymore. You come in and you look, and then you just, you go, I'm leaving. You just leave it all to me, which is fine. I know that. But when you say, you've done it a couple times. Oh, sometimes I say I'm leaving, meaning comedy. Canceled the gig.

Yeah, I'm going to the fucking Johnny Depp Island, and I'm never coming back. I'm just going to be a butler. I thought they were lovely. Nice crowd. Security. Receptive crowd. Well, I walked down a minute before showtime because I don't want to be I just don't want to do comedy

anymore. This is stupid. And there's two cops there. Constables they had on the back of their jerseys with their tasers and their fucking sidearms. And I go, really? They're taking this? It's not a death threat.

This is one drunk guy. I get it. No one else gets it. I didn't find out until afterwards. They were already hired by the fucking Ritz place. We had to hire off-duty cops. We had to, yeah. Yeah, there's some kind of fucking maneuvering.

This happened at the Comedy Works in Denver. The only time I worked there where I'm like, all right, this is some fucking shenanigans where they're getting shaken down, where they have to hire fucking off-duty cops and i got into a fucking beef with some former sheriff who's like don't you ever call me out fuck you you fucking faggot uh oh my god i'm still angry about that like 15 years later these cops were nice these guys were cool i didn't know it's because we were paying them and somehow we paid

for them at the we had to pay for them at the other venue that fired us yet still here they were we had to pay for fucking off-duty cop security i think i opened with that yeah you did i'm like we're supposed to pay off the cops, not pay the cops. It was like buying strippers in cop uniforms who never take off their cop uniforms. They were cool as shit.

They were great. I walked back to get a pretzel and one of the cops said I do a joke. What was your bit? I do a joke about how I don't get blowjobs anymore and it was a long bit and I went back to get a pretzel, and one of the cops goes, Sorry, you don't get blowjobs anymore.

But you did fuck with them on some level. Yeah, I did. I fucked with them. I said, Thank you for being here, et cetera, et cetera. They were lovely. Even as they left, one of them was quoting one of your jokes. They were very engaged in the show. They said, hey, we're leaving now.

We're going to go rape some chicks in the parking lot. It was about your bit. It was a callback. They were not saying that. No, no. They were calling back to the jokes. They were very professional the whole time, and they were watching the show because they knew there was no problem.

There was not going to be a problem. They were just hanging out. I know. I want to find out from Henneken. They were like, none of these people in the audience are sober enough to load a gun. Here's the thing about the audience. The audience was so dull, yet happy to be there. I didn't get dull.

Maybe it was all in my head. Yeah, I didn't get dull. Maybe it was all in my head. Yeah, I didn't get dull. I thought they were great. They were fun. Then it was all in my head. Per you. You did wake up three seconds before you went on stage. But after the show,

I hid out back smoking until Chaley always makes me come out to sign merch. I try to let all the dead weight people that didn't like me leave. And Chaley will come back and go, come on, man. And I went out and there was a huge line for merch. And they were still just as dull. When we have to do merch, usually you walk out, and everyone's like,

yeah, here he is! Quiet, silent, standing in line like it's a fucking wedding reception for the dead. Like, you're still... You know why? Why? There were fucking two guys with guns there overseeing the crowd.

And they were standing at the front. And I do... Everyone was very orderly. And they were all standing back because the cops were right by the table until Tracy and I were like, come up here. Just start rushing the table

because it's too weird you guys standing eight feet back from where you are. It turned into one of those rare nights where I can actually hang out with the crowd. The bar in the hotel was open. Oh, that was the point that I said you jumped the gun. They moved the gig to the Radisson, which happened to be the same hotel that we're staying in. So a guy threatens to shoot up the fucking room. They go, we can't have this gig.

We'll move it to the same hotel you're staying at in case the shooter is late and misses his bus transfer, he can still kill you because you'll be there until noon the next day. Check out. It was like you were like, hey, this guy said he'd kill me. And then they were like, you know what? We'll make it that easier. And they go, we'll move you to a venue that doesn't care about shooters. Or charge for parking.

We'll move you to a venue that doesn't care about shooters. Or charge for parking. It was so fucking weird. And also so fake news. No one's going to shoot the place up. But you did meet Bingo Butter Cheeks. Oh, yeah. Oh, that guy brought the... Oh, eat a pie faggot. Oh, here's one of the shirts. I'm wearing one right now, but he guy brought that. Eat a pie faggot.

Here's one of the shirts. I'm wearing one right now, but he had the one Eat a pie faggot, which we didn't even remember. That's the deepest track ever. You have to know me so absolutely intimately to remember Eat a pie faggot. It's like a D-side.

Pretty much. If you don't want to get into vowels... I thought they were lovely. That whole crowd. Me too. And hanging out in the bar after? You were out back in the smoke. But that's the thing. We hung out with the fucking crowd where usually

there's too many people. I don't have the attention span, but... Yeah, we drank in that bar until dark. I think I left early because I had to fly to New York the next day. You were leaving the next day. We were there until 2 a.m., last call. Yeah, I had to get up at 3, 4. Yeah, that was definitely a night.

I remember waking up that hungover the next day, and I forgot completely about how much I hated my show, and I remembered how much fun it was to hang out with all those people. That fucking weird redheaded girl, I kept poking her glasses up. She had big, thick glasses, but they'd slip down her Asian nose. She wasn't Asian at all. Yeah, but the

glasses slipped down like her nose wasn't big enough to hold them up. So she's trying to look at me through the top frames and I just kept pushing her fucking glasses back up so she could look through the lenses and not the frame. Yeah, it was a lot of fun.

And I remembered the fun part. On a rare occasion, I remembered the fun afterwards and not how much I hated the show in a fucking banquet hall. in a fucking banquet hall. Yeah, I... Sometimes those are the fun ones just because you don't know how... You really don't know what's going to happen. And that was definitely that night. And it had nothing to do with the shooter.

It was like walking in and then going, where's the PA? We don't have a PA. What? Plugging into the bassboard and going through the ceiling tile speakers it worked fine I know that's what I'm saying

but but it shouldn't work like that at all but if it didn't work like that here and again there's no reason to be on the road you know what the improv in Pittsburgh and the improv

in cleveland and the levity live and nyack same fucking place you need a fucking scranton to just shake you up a little bit well there's something that also tells you you're successful that's like if you have to do something ironically that you used to do earnestly. Do you know what I mean? Like you were performing in a way and living in a way and accommodating

people in a way that you used to have to do. Which is kind of a good reminder of where you've gotten to, if I'm not mistaken. Ironically is the word that you use as though we do this on purpose. I'm not saying it on purpose. Hey, let's do some goofy gig. I'm saying you appreciate it on purpose.

After the fact, in hindsight, that day, I wanted to kill myself. But, yeah, you give it two days or 12 hours, and you go, oh, that was kind of funny. Even in the buildup, it was funny. It's in the moment where you have to actually do the shittiest show in the shittiest circumstances where I wasn't amused. This sucks. I hate myself. I hate the fact that you had to pay for Ritz tickets in a fucking banquet hall? Grand ballroom? I was trying to find the other amway, but anyway.

The herbal life? Is it not a gift? Herbal life. Is it not a gift to be reminded that you don't have to do that all the time? Did you just come off of some self-help seminar where you think, oh, that's a gift? No, it fucking sucked shit.

It sucked wet corn little shit. It's like going to fucking volunteer in Guatemala for a week and you're living in a hut and you have no running water and you come home and you go, you know what, I'm really lucky to have what I have. You're lucky to have what you have. You're lucky that you don't have to do that every gig. Because you could. Like a lot of people.

I enjoy the fact that I still do that. Right. I did one of those, I think it was the Jay Oakerson podcast. No, it was someone, I don't know, someone asked me, some interviewer that said,

are you, this is going to stink, I'm too drunk to talk, where he said, do you not want to do that because this is gonna stink. I'm too drunk to talk. Where he said, do you not want to do that because about acting? Fuck it. Let's just kill this. I can't remember exactly what I'm talking about. But you need an out.

I know. That's why I'm looking for a fucking deadbeat you can edit. I know. That's why I'm looking for a fucking deadbeat you can edit. I know what you're saying, though, Morgan. Because I actually look forward to shows like that. Not that I want them, but when I discover that that's going to happen, I get excited about that. Because we always do the show.

We never cancel. And being able to pull it off under any circumstance, that's fun. They genuinely seemed happy afterwards where I'm always confused. And we talked about this because Morgan and I have both worked the UK where people will sit silently and you get flop sweats as a professional, as a seasoned professional. You think you're dying, and at the end they give you a standing ovation because they're not like American audiences.

They don't go, They sit there like it's a play. They're at theater and they're very polite. And at the end, they boo-boo. And you think you're fucking dying on your ass. And you go back there and you go, I know this is how it's going to go. They're going to stare at me blankly. And they'll go, man, add a punch line and you go oh fuck i'm

dying and and oil is sweating out of your forehead oh fuck this time it's real no it's never real it's always a dream they're gonna stand up at the end and clap because they're fucking trained, polite English people. But that's what Scranton was like. Under threat of a shooter, Scranton stood strong. They were one. It brought people together. Even if it was only 80

I don't know how many close it up Morgan I got nothing I just thought that for an audience under duress it was the best possible outcome

we ain't even close to done with this was the best possible outcome. We ain't even close to done with this tour. So we'll see you in the next podcast. Morgan Murphy, hitting the trails. Tracy Chaley, hitting the trails. Andy Andrus coming in off the trails. Tracy Chaley hitting the trails. Andy Andrus coming in off the bench. And, oh, God damn it. What will New England bring?

I have my own problems with that. We'll bring them up next time. Hey, next podcast, remind me to start with, you know what, sometimes it's a job and it's not a fucking meet and greet. Click. Play the, are we just doing Bird Cloud recently? Bird Cloud and Mattoid. Hey, fuck it.

We haven't done the Mattoid in a while. Get the Mattoid. All right, here's a mattoid. It's party time, yeah Dance your dance and shoe your shoes It's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks It's party time, yeah Oh baby, crap your craps and, fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time Everybody

Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time One more Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fuck, six-parted time Here we go Parted time Parted time Parted time Yeah Party time, yeah Party time, party time

Party time, party time Party time, party time Party time, party time Party time. Party time. Party time. Hey! Party time. Yeah! Party time. We're starting this, and I hope, but Chaley's been up for a while,

and he seems in good shape for as drunk as I thought he was last night. Because Hennigan, we're doing the kanopkas on the mic. Brian Hennigan is here. Chaley's here. But you had a story. The last podcast went too long last night, so we waited. But you said you have a story that's going to make Chaley puke so I was very happy that he went home hungover

or went home drunk and I was hoping you'd be more hungover than you are. I'm chugging this beer I'm really trying to it's already almost gone if there's one more just to help be right there we're going to make quick work of this

can I get one too please thank you hannigan explained this to me at the end of the podcast last night at some point we don't know jaylee's gonna have to deal with this but you i was bitching about stevia and stevia where they go there's no artificial sugars. And then you go, oh, this still tastes like artificial. Stevia tastes like shit. And Hennigan jumped on the mic and explained how stevia ruined the end of Breaking Bad. He didn't explain it. He just said it.

But then he told me today what he meant and how when he explains this to people they all jump on his side where they're probably being polite going yeah makes sense to me but go ahead tell us how stevia well one of the great things about breaking bad was how realistic it was in many aspects or certainly had the feeling of authenticity in every area. And... Because of all of your... A central plot point in the last episode

was the annoying woman who was killed in the diner. Oh, spoiler alert if you're five years behind. But... Who was killed in the last episode in a poison substitution switch because she always asks for Stevia. Well, the point is,

generally speaking, even in LA, asking for Stevia can be a bit vexatious. And certainly in Albuquerque, if you're going to have Stevia at all, it's going to be under a brand name like Truvia. You're no point are you just going to be able to say,

I want Stevia in fucking Albuquerque. And for me, that just ruined the authenticity of the whole episode and I regretted all seven seasons. There you go. Retroactive hating. The expose. This is a teaser for this Smartfuck Magazine expose that he's writing. It's called Five Years Late and You Won't Get It.

And it'll be a cover story on Smartfuck Magazine. It will be under the recurring feature called How to Remove the Fun from Everything. Couldn't it be that I can't really remember the details of that episode, but couldn't it be that this was a place that she frequented? So even if it was... Well, the point was in order to get... They were clearly constructing the plot well in advance, so they made it the case that every time she went into that diner,

she always had to ask for stevia. And then he poisoned the stevia. I don't even remember who the woman was. I know it was a show I liked. It was a very mundane, ordinary, run-of-the-mill diner. It wasn't Whole Foods Annex or something. Just thinking if she always went there and she always

asked for the same thing, even though she asked for the same thing wrong every time. I'm just trying to think of how they fucking would let something like that go. I remember when it happened, I had to think back on, oh, the packet had the – it wasn't a – I don't know. I wasn't a – These are also the shows where when they're getting stevia, they're smoking over breakfast. And you go, no one smokes! My two biggest pet peeves in movies

are answering machines, but it's such an easy vehicle to further the story, where they check their messages, which they haven't done since 1991 yeah and then they're smoking at the bar where where are you really the da is smoking at the fuck some new york bar and then goes home and checks his voicemail yeah that's one of the reasons i feel this being this this glut of a period television and period movies is because writers

are continually nowadays stymied by the existence of smartphones they cut through all the plot devices well how am i going to get there google uh you know things like that you know what do we do google you know gps yes exactly so everyone's trying to do procedural cop drama set in the 70s and 80s and 60s or whatever just so they can actually have a plot where people can't get answers immediately yeah very interesting

third biggest pet peeve in movies is the easy way out that you can't where everything goes wrong. There's a nuclear warhead coming. You've got to tell the boss. Tell the president. And he's in a conversation.

Mr. President, not now. I'm trying to have a conversation with my wife. Well, he said not now. You could have just yelled, there's a nuclear war. Don't stop. I hate where it was an easily solved problem that you make into.

Alright, there's my three pet peeves. Ben and April are here. Hey, Ben and April. Weird to see them in non-football times. Wow. Love ya. What an honor.

Just bought an area rug on the eBay. A what? Area rug. Area rug. It's a Mel Brooks thing. You don't want carpet. You want area rug. Area rug.

So we bought an area rug, and Bingo, of course, has to pick the colors. And then I'm scrolling through, and what comes up? Four by six Green Bay Packers logo. I go, what about this? She's like, no! Yes! So I hope one of you vomits. Hey, by the way, Bingo's not social right now.

So she fled when she heard April has Bingo's 40th birthday cake that she made that Bingo slept through, let's say, her 40th birthday. And she's had it in cold storage. Cryogenics. Cryogenics. And they had to clean out their freezer eventually, so she brought it over. So we'll eventually, as

it de-thaws, or thaws out, yeah, we'll be eating Bingo's 40th birthday cake. As soon as it falls, the air will be filled with celebratory feelings. But beforehand, we're gonna vomit. We're gonna reverse

bulimia. Because Hennigan, we're three eyes blind. I got my eyes fucked up with Chalasians. Ben, is it your right eye?

Left. Okay, it's my right. Tom, right. Cataract, left. Cataract, left. Okay. We got two lefts and two rights. But we have the same prescription.

Both my eyes are fucked, so. Just kidding. So, anyway. If anyone woke up with any one of my eyes are fucked, so just kidding. So anyway, if anyone woke up with any one of my eyes, they'd be very annoyed. I have a small microaneurysm right near the,

where the optic nerve is. What do you have, insurance or something? Beat it. How would you know that? It actually affects my vision sometimes in this eye, in my left eye.

And it looks like there's a bubble somewhere in my field of vision. And there's a grid that they have you look at. I can't remember the name of it. I went through that with Dr. Phelps. But there's a grid, and you close the one eye with the good eye. And if you look straight in the center, somewhere on that grid,

you'll see it like these squares will kind of blow out a little bit and it's gotten less but uh it hasn't gone away that's been eight years maybe i've had that yeah you ignore things and no eight years ago i was diagnosed eight years ago and i didn't have insurance and it was fucking expensive they shot put something in my bloodstream, and then some fucking thing was touching my eyeball. And then they looked into my eye for the dye to see it leaking out through these micro little fissures or whatever. Tom, did you say cataract or glaucoma?

Cataract. What's yours, Ben? Blown pupil from getting hit with a what? Pupil. Paintball. Paintball. You got to hit the... Are you the reason that they have to wear goggles now?

Are you the kid that lost an eye to a BB gun? It's all fun and games. Are you that guy? For more than one reason. Go, tell me the story. Oh, we were shooting a paintball gun Christmas morning. Shot a basketball.

The gifts were hidden outside so they couldn't be found. It was very cold. Shot a basketball. Paintball never broke. Rebounded off the basketball. Nailed me in the eye that's every reason

when we go shooting Joby takes a shooting I sit in the car because you hear ricochets you hear them coming out of the back of that dump and no I'm going to sit in the car yeah I mean it's interesting

because I never think of myself, I mean, I'll gamble on big things like, you know, let's tour here where there's no track record or whatever. But in things like that, it's like, no, I'm not gambling on that. I'm just going to sit in the car. When Gabe was punting footballs, hang on, let's get back to Hennigan, the filthy uncut Scotsman. His vision, he was the only guy that could one-up Shawnee,

who built this place. They have, you know, 20-20. I think Shawnee is minus 2,200. He's 20, and Hennigan is 2,500. I mean, I don't know about that system. I'm minus 15 or over minus 15 in both eyes. And again, the interesting thing about metric. Celsius or centigrade.

The interesting thing, of course, about... Furlongs and fathoms. About eyes is there's no way you can tell just by looking at someone. So I've known someone for years, and I tell them how short-sighted I am, and I say, well, they say, but we've never seen you with glasses. And it's like, well, yeah, I wear... Do you think I'm going to wear that thickness of glasses outside?

Well, Hennigan, we just played Raleigh, North Carolina. Oh, yeah. And I remember one of the times I played there previously, you had a fucked up contact lens where you had to leave the tour because Hennigan's eyesight is so bad that

he has to go to some glass blower in Scotland that fashions by hand these he's got coke bottle contact lenses. That's how fucked up. Explain it to us.

My eyes are so short I'm so short sighted that my contact lenses are specially made. You can't just get them from any contact lens supplier. And my actual spectacles are... It's annoying because in the States, there's some fucking law here

where you cannot use certain types of glass. So my lenses are made of plastic, whereas in Europe, you can get them made of actual glass, and they're much thinner. So here, they look preposterous. You know, really. Like, real Woody Allens. George Burns.

What's the price difference? You're talking about your eyeglasses, not your contacts. I talked about both there. What's the cost difference between getting the same thing in the UK as you would get over here? Funnily enough, not that much. The main thing is actually annoying because

in the UK or Europe I can buy glass lenses made by Nikon or Zeiss and they're banned. That's because your soccer teams wear the logo on their shirts. But they're banned here. You're not allowed to buy those glasses here.

Alright, let's get to the vomit. Probably because some fucking kid... We're going to get to the vomit. Some kid was wearing them playing paintball. We're talking too much old man and not enough what's going to make Chaley vomit. Oh, yeah. Now, your eyes are so fucked at this point. So we'll start off with how susceptible they are.

So a while back, I had a semi-detached retina. And that's when the back of your eyelid... Is this the Raleigh thing? No, that's the thing that made me... It's the thing that I thought was about to happen in Raleigh. I thought it was happening again. So about...

It's happening again. We're walking across that bar in the hotel in Charlotte, and I suddenly stopped walking and said oh something's happening i remember that was charlotte not raleigh at all so everyone gets sunspots right so you're out in the bright day and you see these spots or whatever yeah if those sunspots last more than six or four or four or five hours you need to go to an optician very quickly because the chance there's a very strong chance you're suffering from a detaching retina which is that the back of your eye is literally peeling off and uh so um that happened to me in Edinburgh one day.

This is the subtle part. And Shaley's already gagging. He's already covering his mouth. And that happened to me one day in Edinburgh. Fortunately, Edinburgh has an eye hospital, a specialized eye hospital. And so my optician was able to say, oh, yeah, something's really fucked here. Went to the eye hospital. And over the course of a week, a weekend, a day I was you know they just they dilate

your eyes with iodine which it makes that forces the pupil iodine is how would say it and then they can look in and see there was a gap appearing at the back of the eye and they said okay well we're going to seal that and they did it they did it basically immediately

using a this is what this is where it becomes really interesting. Can you make it a little more graphic? He's doing fine. Don't say a gaffe. Say a gaping, weeping lesion. Well, again, the thing is that you're... The odd thing is there's no pain involved

because there's no nerves in the back of the eye. But you are aware of a curtain in your eye, in your vision, which is the back of the eye. But you are aware of a curtain in your eye, in your vision, which is the back of the retina peeling down so that you... So you're looking at it like dawn fading on your eyes as it's getting lower and lower. So what they do is they go in...

We call that a blackout in some circles. It's on the inside of the eye. It's on the inside of the eye. On the back of the lens. No, no, no, the back of the eyeball. That's where the retina is. That's where all the light is focused on. Exactly, that's the projection screen.

So they went in with a cryogenic wand. Second mention of cryogenesis. Wow, cryogenic wand. Cryogenic wand. That's Brett Erickson's DJ name from the 90s. And they sealed

the wound by freezing it all together. And then they really fucking... So first they do that, and then they inject into your eyeball... Describe the needle. Well, again, you don't... You were awake during this.

No, no, no, they knock you out. You should have said yes. I'll be awake for the next operation, which I've yet to discuss. They inject a helium... Hang on. Come on in, Ben, because Ben

was awake for this. Totally awake. So I stick this needle into your eye. Stick the needle into your eye. Eat the mic. Stick the needle into your eye. Wait, this is after the paintball ricocheted into your eye. This is to get some vision back, yes. Dealt with it, ignored it, as you've heard before, for a good couple years.

You do have one, like, David Bowie pupil that's bigger than the other or something. You've noticed before, but there's been many pints since then. I try not to stare into your glamorous eyes too long because all of a sudden that hug leads to dancing. And if you get the light right, it just shines back at you off that false. So they jammed a needle in your eye wide awake.

I don't know what the procedure is. You are somewhat conscious. I don't know what the procedure is. You are somewhat conscious. You have a tumultuous past where they probably didn't give a fuck. You had no insurance, I'm guessing, in these days of shooting basketballs with paint pellets. No, that time had actually gone in the ignoring period. So I walked in with cash and said, fix my eye. Wow.

Bite the ruler. is gonna hurt yes it was like the civil war yeah less he paid him in copper let's just say that yeah when i said i came down and slammed it on the table fix my eye that is uh one of the things when uh the specialist in alaska was looking at my eye and it is back on that the projection screen if you will uh back there it is so close to the optic nerve that he gave me basically he gave me three choices and the only one was ignore it that was that was actually made sense one was we could use laser, but if you even twitch the smallest bit,

that laser just basically shoots down in your optic nerve, and, well, then you'll lose your eyesight. Then the other one was later on we can look at this procedure where we put a needle. Stop. Number three, doc. Well, you can just monitor. I can give you this graph that you can put in your fridge.

I'll take door number three. Never see you again so they jam a needle in your eye yeah so they got to get rid of the damage they use sonic waves to do so and they break up the damaged part with sonic waves and then vacuum them out and you are totally aware that there is some type of clamp there's some type of clamp on your forehead and cheeks. And the light is so bright. So very bright. Thank God. Could you see your dead relatives?

Run to the light. Ben! Ben! Nope. All I saw was light. Bright, brilliant. Come to the dark side. What were the consequences if it wasn't fixed? Continue to lose vision until it's gone. Yeah.

It's already at paintball. And no more paintball. I never actually saw that gun one other time. I know my nephew owned it, but he never brought it out again. Well, it's no mission accomplished. Yeah. I was mean to him you know there was all these times where you had to cry uncle and crying uncle once was way too easy so they learned how to

say it 10 times really fast because that was the quote are you gonna have to say it 10 times and i'll get them back in one shot but but you can see out of your eye now somewhat yep all right yep bright lights are still a son of a gun i think i might have been in trauma from that day otherwise he'd be one blocked Ben Oh Sunblock Ben Oh Alright let's get

Let's get to where you'd make Chaley puke Just to say Yeah if you want I know you've always been saving Heroin for when you have as cancer but when I when I was getting wheeled in for the op and they have to put you out

because they're going to stick a fucking wand behind your eye unless you're fucking a man like Ben they said we need to get you relaxed before we give you before we knock you out I know they said they just injected like morphine and it was the most fucking amazing experience

I've ever had in that area. And then they knocked me out. Don't knock me out. I'm enjoying this. Exactly. Just five more minutes. And then you wake up and your eye, my eye was obviously completely bloody.

It was just like no white. It's just all blood. And then you wake up and your eye My eye was obviously completely bloody It was just like no white, it was just all blood And then they said Go home and don't do anything And I said what? And they said yeah don't do anything for three months And this was Three months? Three months, like don't get your heart rate up

Because the back of your eye Is so fragile It'll blow out If you pump blood through it okay how are you how are you gonna sneeze well exactly how are you gonna get through this podcast because my heart's racing and then of course this was the summer this was actually again interesting point did you try joe b's sourdough at the farmer's market that's too much i was uh that i was self-employed right and that was the summer when fucking james inman was coming to the enber festival oh christ a perfect storm

yeah hang on i'm i i thought this is the recent thing oh no this is the old one this is the old yeah i thought you jumped in no no this is like. This is an explanation of why my eyes are as bad as they are type thing. Foreplay. So, cut to recently. I'm looking at... Let's see. Two weeks ago, I'm thinking, something's up with the other eye. Not the retina-detached eye.

The other eye. It's like, this isn't... The good eye. It's gone bad. Yeah, the good eye. So, sure enough, I come back from Australia. Good eye, good eye. And I go immediately to an

ophthalmologist and he goes oh yeah you've got a fucking nuclear sclerotic um cataract in there nuclear cataract you have to that has to come out and then immediately he's sending me he gets me to walk immediately to a retinal specialist because as he puts it you know well with your eyes we're not even sure you can do surgery and this is this phrase i heard repeatedly for the past week which is well with your eyes every every conversation is well with your eyes uh so the ret nothing particularly gory. They're just dilating your eye constantly and blinding you with fucking, not science,

but just energy. Science. And, and he says, oh, the good, here's the retina. The retina guy says,

oh, here's the good news. I mean, oh yes, you're clear to be operated on. Could go wrong, but you're clear at this point. And then the, the uh the funny thing was to get me to see the retina guy immediately the ophthalmologist lied to them and said i had lost

all sight in my eyes because he said i want them to see immediately and they won't see you immediately unless i tell a white lie so So when I arrived at their place, the nurse was literally going like this. Can you see this? Can you see? Like holding one finger up to my eye and saying, can you see my one finger? It's like two inches from you.

Yeah, I'm going, yes. And she's like, oh, sorry, we were told you had no vision. I mean, it's coming back. You're doing the vision keep going yeah you know he was so that was good so now uh they're gonna go in the great thing about eye surgery is you're genuinely in the world of science fucking fiction you know the cryogenic wands the micro incisions all the fucking weird stuff they can do is just mind boggling. Yeah. You would. And so that,

that is something once you'd be joyful for, because it is exciting, but obviously one is less joyful by the fact that as they say, uh, with, well, with your eyes, um,

yeah, this, this, this, you could have a semi, you could, you could detect, we could detach your retina as part, as a consequence of the surgery.

No, all right. This is the, let me get, kind of explanation. So they could accidentally make your good eye into your bad eye? Well, no, no, no, no. The good eye is now the bad eye. In the course of 24 hours,

that's something else that happens in the conversation is I noticed they were referring now the bad eye. In the course of 24 hours, that's something else that happens in the conversation, is I noticed they were referring to the bad eye. And I'm going, no, no, that's the good eye. And they went, not anymore. The bad eye is now the good eye. Okay? It was like the Cold War when everything switched at the end. You know, suddenly Russia was our friend.

Crisscross. It was like, oh, I thought we were friendly with Oceania. No. Anyway. But now, just to be clear, because we've been switching back and forth. The good eye

is now the bad eye. And they're only going to focus on the new bad eye. The new bad eye. And the new good eye, they're not touching. So my question was, the eye switched. going to focus on the new bad eye and the new good eye. They're not touching. So my question was the eye switched. Are they doing anything to the old bad eye which is now

the good eye? Well they actually said if we can see something in this eye as well. But we're going to do the first one first and then we'll talk about the other one. So it's not exactly a fucking brave new horizon we're looking at. If we're looking at anything.

Fortunately, my perspicacity has not diminished, although my vision has. Wow. Perspicacity. What's that? Bring it up again. Ability to see things in a metaphorical way. He's got that one. Yeah.

I don't need spectacles for that. You can do that blinded. We should call this podcast 99% Invisible. There you go. When you were trying to tell me all this shit on the phone, you hadn't called in forever. You were in a different uh continent side of the continent and and what's the hemisphere he's in the southern hemisphere that's what i was looking

for yeah it's funny how he wanted to shit on united i wrote that down yeah it's again oh sorry because i was going to say something but they stepped on the bit you were doing no no no I don't even remember where wait are you working out material Doug no it was his material that you hadn't heard just bitching about it he goes you should save that for the podcast

he's bitching about international first class what because I understand the demographic of the podcast. But I was on his side. We worked fucking hard to be able to and you get shit.

You're bitching about first class. People, if you're bitching about a flight, people get angry that you have the money to fly. Coach, first class. When you get to a point where you can afford that and you go, oh, I made my bones. I really dug deep and I tried hard and now I can fly first class.

You can't bitch about it because people go, fuck you. You're lucky to even be able to fly. fuck you you're lucky to even be able to fly I took a Greyhound bus just to get to my next fucking army depot fucking fuck you you fucking signed up on a delayed entry

when you were 17 because you're a fucking stupid cunt and you didn't have good parents yeah so if my united pillow isn't particularly plump I am going to fucking complain

yeah he did have a complaint about United Airlines that didn't require surgery to repair teeth it was a week week one week It was a week, double E week, a one-week bit after the fucking guy got drug off the United.

But I get you cocksuckers. I probably already said this on a podcast earlier. But yeah, you might as well burn it. Either way, it's done. But when you sell out gigs, especially the gigs that Brian Hennigan books for you when he's in another continent and hemisphere chasing a skirt that's probably a dude. We don't know. At this point, I'm with you on that.

Well, your eyes are poor. All of a sudden, that's when you're playing a coffee shop in Greensboro. And you go, what? Oh. Oh, yeah. He's phoning these. I'm phoning the sets in while he's phoning in the venues. And they were very nice people, by the way.

I shit on that Greensboro gig. Laura and Steve. Very nice. The idiot box. It's not Laura. I think it's something different. Oh, wait. I think you're wrong.

I don't remember it, but you're wrong. I remember when I called her up to talk about it, she was at a lacrosse match. Wait, was she driving the minivan for her kid's lacrosse match? Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. It's Jenny, yeah. I'm sorry. It's Jenny and Steve. I got you.

At least I... You're right. I wasn't right. I was right that you're wrong. Anyway, you were over in whatever continent. Antarctica. I think you were at the McMurdo. That was just where my heart was.

And I keep going. You have no heart. Wait. Are you going still into the eye thing? Or is this something else? I don't think you ever get to a vomity part. I think Ben beat him. I think actually talking about it helped me. He looks much better right now.

Ben made him rich. I think I might have been interrupted. So you feel them clamp this thing on your face. What's the thing? Describe the thing. Clockwork orange. They're holding your face.

Yes. Head halo. Very good. Clamp on your face. It's all to stabilize him so he can stick that needle into your eye. Directly? Is it like a drill press? No, no, no.

It's like a fishing pole with a stick. Shady's going through the other side. It was pretty bright. I am. Something like that. But then that needle is hollow. And they turn on the sonic waves. And it starts inside your eye.

But the needle's in your eye the whole time. Yes. And then it starts vibrating. It is using sonic waves to break up the damage. It's like cock fingering with a vibrator. You would know. I don't. We all got that same image.

And on comes the vacuum. Tom Canale. Yeah, yeah. So now, after the weird vibration inside your eye, there's this pulling sensation. It seems like it's maybe sucking the brain right out of your eyeball. I don't know. But there's fluid.

There's retinal fluid in there, right? But I guess that's what the clamping thing's all about. So they can just suck up the little pieces they broke because it's all clamped onto your face. Also might be psychic ability where you can pick spreads. We thought this was bingo in the coma. Maybe they're pulling out.

Oh, take the three and a half points. Kenny would bingo in the coma. Maybe they're pulling out. Oh, take the three and a half points. Kenny caught me back in the old days flipping a coin to find out which one. So it wasn't a second ability. I was flipping coins. That happened as well. When I went in for the second emergency consultation, the nurse sits me down and she goes,

okay, let's talk about your left eye. And I was immediately,, no it's the right eye it's like this is really important you know the very first person I talk to it's not like right and left wings of politics this is actually important

the one thing you need to get right you got wrong immediately which is the eye you're going to operate on you should have borrowed one of Doug's fat Sharpies and drawn a circle. I'm not joking. I'm not either. Yeah, I'm thinking about that.

Because the number of times when you read about mistaken surgeries and things, that would have solved all of them. Absolutely. It's here. The worst thing you can do is go to a doctor to begin with. Oh, here we go.

Ride it out. Yes, so tell us about the inside of your eye. Well, there was at one point. Which, by the way, obviously, important point here, the eyelid. If we can just mention how much we love April and Tracy and Denise every now and then. Because I want to get to you. See, now they're just going to pay attention rather than talk in the background.

Because the eyelid... Egoism, motherfucker. The eyelid is not part of the eye, and therefore has nerves, and that's why you have pain. Well, this is a tattoo question, where you go, what part of your body can you imagine getting tattooed if you're a pain? Well, I could get it up here, but the people that have it in the under your arm,

that would hurt, but other people. So I'm like, I, someone's scraping the inside of my eyelid, which I have. Chalasians is what it used to be. But now there was a day on the road where I went, oh, I put my contact back in after it had a chunk of rock salt or whatever it had in it. And I couldn't see. It was rocky eye. It felt like your eye was being scraped every time you blinked.

Yeah. It was rocky eye. It felt like your eye was being scraped every time you blinked. Yeah, and I took the contact out, my last contact, and I put it in a thing, and I just went. Like the first week of the tour, I was just, I have one eye. I'm fine with that. And then I put it back in. It was good for a day, And then it went fuzzy again. And we were at Wilmington, North Carolina, where we're sitting out there. And I go, I gunked up again.

And then I go, no, it's not gunked up. It must have fallen out. I'm just. Yeah, you're like, I think my contact lens fell out. Do you see? Well, then I looked where my long range versus short range. Oh, wait, no, I can see. My contact is not in my eye.

And Chaley looked. You could see. There's a weird kind of like almost like a contact lens. I don't know anything about contact lenses. I don't look in people's eyes. But from looking from one eye to the other, your one eye looked like there was a small little film, like a bubble, right?

Just a little bit around. Yeah, you see the circle of a contact lens. That's the second time I think I've ever looked in an eyeball. The other one that I put a contact lens in that I thought was now gunky, there was no contact lens. The next morning I wake up, I can see the contact lens had somehow been wedged up inside of my eye. Yes.

Yeah. The ladies are going, I've done that. And dudes are now, and not even Chaley are going. No, I'm doing the uh because I've done that so many times. I not even Chaley are going no I'm doing I'm doing the because I've done that so many times I know I know exactly what the pain is yeah but you have like the bottom bottom of a gray goose

bottle for a con you have metal contact by the way it's kind of it's kind of ironic I think that I think that chalations five is where that quote is from in the Bible. Chalations 5. Yeah, do not look at the sawdust in your brother's eye.

Behold the moat in your eye. We will be having follow-up conversations because we're all going to eye doctors. Kanopka, you're just basically, well, you're fucked for now, but there's nothing to do about it Hannigan you're going to a million fucking doctors one block

two town Ben we call him his new name if we can remember to call him two town instead of one block yeah he's just gonna keep shooting his self in the face with fucking paintballs. Chaley. I'm good for now.

I got to look at my grid. Oh, yeah. Every week. Tron. Was it Murphy that kept calling you the bird cloud? Someone kept calling you the chameleon because of your fucking bubble eyes. It had to be bird cloud or something. Bubble eyes?

Bubble eyes? Bubble eyes? Someone kept calling you, that's my chameleon. Sounds like a bird cloud thing. That's my chameleon. Yeah. Oh, don't start this. Everyone's jealous of bird cloud. Don't start it.

Yeah. We got that out of our systems. No, until two weeks from now. Yeah. We got that out of our systems. Until two weeks from now. Yeah. I might be confident. Oh, we got to do that. Well. Fucking, hey, while I'm on the topic in my head,

fucking Kreischer won't return my text messages. Let me see if he... I used Twitter message with him. Oh, yeah. And, yeah, let me see if I can I'll get on Twitter I was going to say my eyes are bad Hold on a second

I probably got one of the best Set of peepers here Yeah yeah Great set of peepers there gal No I don't have anything yet Wait is it Saturday? Yeah, he's probably working this weekend. Yeah, right now he's doing

a fucking kids puppet show. Since we were listening to his podcast, we listened to Kreischer's podcast, a bunch of them, and there's Henry Phillips. People we know, they go, oh, I'm not going to say their name. You'll tell me.

Hey, tell me the fucking name of the person you can't say on the podcast. Won't get back to me. He's saving it for the air. Either that or he knows you'll tell everyone. That's true, too. Kind of subverts his purpose of not naming us. I'm a little bit of a gossip. I asked him questions pertinent to the May 20th show,

so we'll get that back. Hopefully within a couple of days. All right. Well, I guess that's a podcast. We'll put this in the tank. This is an evergreen podcast. It'll come out sometime. Maybe by then they've fired us for some kind of insubordination i was looking for it you fucking saved me because i did not have insubordination

but i was looking for it thank you greg chaley one thank you tom kanopka thank you brian hennigan thank you two town ben at one block april i'm trying to goad her back because you know what? Who just moved out next door? Yes, left today. Really? Said goodbye to them. Yeah. Good neighbors, too.

For two days parked, blocked sideways the entire street, and there's construction up on the other block. You're fucked. But that is now open. I said, I hate when the neighbors leave that house. They said, we had to leave. It's a piece of shit. There's black mold in it. Oh, really?

They moved to McNeil. Yeah, he moved two blocks. Said the landlord won't let them work on it at all. Yeah, he just moved two blocks. So is it now fucking Russian roulette time about who moves in? Yeah, they just moved two blocks. Oh, wow. Yeah. Out of state. So is it now fucking Russian roulette time about who moves in?

Yep, it's... Now when they find out there's black mold. Well, tweakers don't care. That's true. And that's how it's worked. Tweaker on, tweaker on, tweaker on. And they were great neighbors. Yeah.

We all have to pitch in for it. Yeah, well... I get devious thoughts so we'll save this for hey thank you for listening let's close this out with we did Fame Riot what was the band that the other band that we missed

Unlikely Candidates let's do Unlikely Candidates I have to get Erickson to send me the CD. They're not on. Yeah, I guess they're on. So, hey, you can find this song on. Figure it out. Google.

It ruined the plot of the movie. Google it. I should impersonate myself on this podcast. It would sound fake next to Doug's impersonation. You got to brush up on your Hannigan, Hannigan. Yeah, it's completely unbelievable. That was my idea, was to try to get a Hannigan impression down enough

that we could do a podcast with Hannigan where he's saying all the horrible oh no no uh at 14 that's when they're in their prime that's why i go to thailand he's on twitter going on that wasn't me. That was someone impersonating me. I'm glad you're amused. Oh, wait, that's right. The unlikely candidates are going to close out this podcast. Thanks, everyone, and the ladies

especially, for chatting during it. We'll get to you on the next podcast please stay tuned maybe I should leave her maybe I don't need her maybe I was wrong maybe she was right maybe I believe her what do I have to say?

What do I have to do? She don't know either. She said, I'm gonna show you how to write. Mama don't talk like that. She gonna hit me with a

baseball bat. Yeah. And all her lovers say, she breaks Bye. Running from the violence. Running from the violence. Running from the violence. Running from the violence. I'm gonna show you how to act. Mama don't talk like that. She gonna hit me with a baseball baseball bat And all her lovers say What do I have to do? What do I have to say?

She breaks the silence Here comes the sirens Bang, bang, bang I'm just running from the violence And she wants it right She shows no. Bang, bang, bang. I'm just running from the violence. And she wants them riding. She shows no kindness. Bang, bang, bang. I'm just running from the violence.

I'm running from the violence. I'm running from the violence. She says that I'm the one She's pulling out a gun Says now we're having fun Give me all your love I never get enough I never give enough. I never give enough.

She said, I'm going to show you how to rock. Why are you all talked like that? She's going to hit me with a baseball bat. And all her lovers say, she breaks the silence. Here comes the sirens. Bang, bang, bang. I'm just running from the violence.