The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #219: Doug Books a Crazy Flight & Hennigan's Eyes Part 2

Episode Date: August 13, 2017

Doug books a crazy flight and Part 2 of Hennigan's eyes.Recorded July 28th, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by- Dollar Shave Club - For a limited time, new members get their 1st month of the Executive Razor with a tube of Dr. Carver’s Shave Butter for ONLY $5 with FREE shipping. You can only get this offer exclusively at DollarShaveClub.com/STANHOPE.- Casper Mattress- Get $50 toward any mattress purchase by visiting www.casper.com/STANHOPE and using code STANHOPE at Check Out. Terms and Conditions Apply.- ProFlowers.com - To get 20% off summer roses or any other bouquet of $29 or more, go to ProFlowers.com, and use promo code “STANHOPE” at checkout.Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List.Closing song, "Killing Strangers", on THE PALE EMPEROR (Deluxe Edition) by Marilyn Manson. Available on iTunes.LINKS:- Chad Shank Voice Over info at AudioShank.com- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

All right. Hennegan, did you figure out the third sold-out date? When you say sold-out, you mean sold-out, sold-out. Can you go by it? Yeah, yeah. Did I ask you before? What size is that? Let's back up right there.

Let's back up because when you say to Hennegan sold-out, sold-out, it's different than the fans. And when I say fan. And I say that when I say fan, usually I take that back, because I hate the word, but the douchebags, let's say, that say, hey, I just saw your

show is sold out. Any way you can get me tickets? No, because it's sold out. We've been over this so many fucking times. I'm just saying, when you say that to Brian, sometimes we sell tickets and the venue also sells tickets. We split the total capacity.

Between brown paper tickets and the venue. So that's what you're talking to him. Yeah, if you, the listener, see sold out, that's sold out. There's no, this conversation has nothing to do with that. That means everyone's fucking sold out. That's sold out. This conversation has nothing to do with that.

That means everyone's fucking sold out. What can I do to get in? Get a construction crew, a building permit, take out a wall, add two seats. For you and your lady. Who won't show up

or would walk out if she did. I don't think that's comedy and i should you know i know i shouldn't say that but i'm i'm going to yeah fuck you why don't why can't you come to chicago why do you have to play dekalb because my act isn't Chicago ready yet. All right. We're working on it. We played DeKalb for a reason. All right.

Now we can go into the podcast as already scripted. I can't read my monitor. Hey, Chad Shank is here. Brian Hennigan is our guest.reg chaley's back from his adventures draining cysts you want to talk about that no probably not oh when would chaley well it's not a metaphor that's the important thing he's not like he's not like trump draining the swamp tracy of the trailies had to uh go up they went up as a couple uh as one does when they have a breast cancer scare a lump a woman of a certain age has a lump. Some people check it out. I just stopped touching myself there. And, yeah, I didn't know.

Chaley says, oh, she has to have a biopsy. And I'm going to Tucson to spend the night. And we're going to get the biopsy and then hit the casino. Because I guess if you're lucky on one, unlucky on the other, hey, hedge your bets. I think they hedge your bets. So, yeah, biopsy turned out to be a cyst, which they drained. And I get this message from Chaley, and then he calls me to describe it. I don't know where the biopsy was.

I don't want a picture. And he goes, it turns out, but they gave a, she watched. Tell me how you said it. It's like, well, Tracy was telling me about it and then I was like, you got, you're getting very close to this,

me messing up this brand new car because i just i was really hung over yesterday and it was really hot it's over 100 degrees and we just got out of there and she didn't have to have the biopsy and she starts explaining how they drain the cyst and she's watching i'm like blowing my mind that she's watching it camera like what did they i mean what would you? At what point did people stop using their fucking cameras? The doctor's with the implements, and she's got her phone held up. Miss, I need you to move your phone a little. I need to get to the system.

Yeah, she can watch it, but I don't know where it is. So I'm, as he's describing the needle going into the pocket that they're doing the biopsy via whatever scope. Is that an x-ray or a sonogram or something? But there wasn't a biopsy. Ultrasound, ultrasound. No, there was not a biopsy. It turns out she didn't have to have one.

It was a cyst. I'm still thinking cunt. So as he's describing a needle going in and she's watching it, my legs are clenching. I'm doing kegels on an imaginary vagina. And then at some point he said breast, and I relaxed thoroughly. Oh, thank God. I thought they were sticking a needle with a colonoscope up your cunt.

And she's watching it. Tight, huh? Grip that needle. So you're a squirter. No, no, it's my breast. That's why they call her hamster pussy. Do I have to duel him now let's uh uh i i did nothing this week except uh

accidentally troll bieber fans which i was what is it believers yeah that that was one of the funnest days on twitter well it started the night before i was sitting in here trying to do something i was trying to get pictures for the book i get drunk that leads to twitter and i just made a dumb he had just canceled the rest of his tour for this year. At the same time, John McCain got diagnosed with geoblastoma or whatever fucking brain cancer. So I made some dumb tweet, obvious. So Justin Bieber canceled his dates. My good friend, Justin Bieber, yeah.

Because he's been diagnosed with geoblastoma 16 months to live. So I just combined two dumb stories. Easy tweet. And I went to bed. And in the morning, I had no idea that hashtagging. I know fucking with Justin Bieber fans is easy. I know fucking with Justin Bieber fans is easy, but I didn't know that I was just – I woke up to so many tweets. Is this true?

I'm dying. I'm crying right now. Fuck you for saying that. That's not true. I'm not going to believe it until I hear it from someone else in the camp or from him. And I'm like, all right, now game on well i you know i wake up we'll get to we'll close on viewer mail people i've snapped on first thing in the morning because i just want to yell at someone but knowing i have this rich vein of fucking with bie. I just kept going. And I went all day. I think I did nothing that day.

I just fuck with... I thought it was connected to the Coolio somehow. The Coolio... Yeah, weren't you up in Tucson at this point? The Coolio is when you did the... When you were in Tucson... I didn't think they were connected, but I remembered now that I wanted to hear this story, though.

Yeah. Maybe it was the same day. Was it the same day? I don't know. I think it was the same day. Coolio was before, because you came back and, oh, you went down to Tucson, and you missed your flight because you were so drunk at the Four Points. It wasn't about drunk. It was about trusting a wake-up call in a hotel.

That's true. When's the last time you even used the phone except to call room service in a hotel? I trust they're going to give me a wake-up call. I even made sure the volume on the phone was up. I was going on a crazy flight to get mileage. I was supposed to go to through Salt Lake to Honolulu, back to Minneapolis,

to Boston, Atlanta, back home with nothing more than a two-hour layover in any spot. I was very excited. I love to do these things, as you know. Well, I get up there the night before for a 7.30 flight, wake up at 7.30 flight,

wake up at 7.39 on my own, because the fucking wake-up call didn't come. Maybe they were a believer. But the night before, at the hotel, at the airport hotel, at the Sheraton Four Points, my hotel I stay in, unless the other one's available across the street for similar money. All sweets. All sweets. Fucking all the staff.

I'm drinking early because I know I have to go to bed early because I have to wake up early for a fucking flight. That if you miss the outbound, you're fucked. You can't rework Tucson. Yeah, you're fucked. You miss the outbound, you're fucked. You can't rework Toussaint's. Yeah, you're fucked. You miss the outbound, you're fucked. So I'm drinking early, and the staff's talking about Coolio, all these, I guess it's called Back to the 90s. Oh, yeah, yeah.

And it's Coolio and three other bands you don't even remember. Axe. We call them Axe now. They are Axe. It's one of these mega bills. All the staff is saying, yeah, the lighting guys were here and the sound guys were here and they gave us...

They're giving everyone... They offered me backstage passes. I can't go. I got kids. No one wants to go backstage with a fucking what's Coolio, like fucking 60 now or something. I don't know. He's so everyone's like, yeah, not really. Then someone goes, Coolio's checking in and Rob, the bartender, is fucking hilarious. He's like, oh, let me run right out to the lobby and get a picture.

Then Coolio comes in with his posse of three other flunkies. It's like me with Derek and Kenny walking in all cool. Like you own the place? Yeah. I was picturing the time when we walked into the same bar after getting off the airplane, me, you, and I don't fucking remember, but I was wearing a fucking first-class blanket like a Superman thing. I just saw that picture.

That was an entourage. Where was that? Because I'm looking for pictures for the book book and i'm missing a lot of years i think we were on that trip i think i took that but it's on i went to google and i'm like hey maybe i can find pictures for the book on google and i found that one of you wearing that fucking delta blanket like a fucking superman anyway they come in it's now it's like 5 30 at night i know he's got a show that night they sit down at the bar it's empty there's probably three other people that have no idea they're scared of black people they don't know coolio after he left we had

to explain probably scared of coolio yeah Coolio was very cordial. He ordered something, and the guy next to him was like, what's in that? And he's like, oh, no, you've got to use Don Julio, and then you mix this, and it was all animated, and me and the bartender who's coming off shift are going, let's see what the tip is. You know it's going to be a shitty tip. And I'm like, I was just going to say the same fucking thing. Coolio, very nice to the three people at the bar.

And then they drink one drink quickly. And then we got to go. We got to show. And then Rob picks up the, what'd they tip? Nothing. Fucking nothing. Zero. We knew it was going to be shitty, but fucking nothing.

And you're out of Hennessy. So, again, I'd been drinking early, so I start tweeting, fuck you, Coolio. Stiff my fucking bar. This is my bar. Like, I've been staying there for 12 years. It's the only two bars I'm a regular at are the B Gates at the airport, at Tucson Airport, and the Four Points Sheraton when I'm flying out or flying in, because either way, I'm going to be too drunk to drive.

And you're a fucking sloppy-ass, broke ass broke ass i don't know i was i was on a tear you called us we were preparing uh blue apron at the time so i really couldn't like engage because i was working on stuff but you were hopped up and and uh you probably shouldn't have been sitting in a bar because you were drunk. Yeah, but it's early and it's my fucking bar. I'm a regular. Pre-text, too. Or pre-tweets. I tipped Rob $100 with a picture that was on top of a to-go box

where I took a picture. Hey, at Coolio, don't worry. I made up for your fucking broke-ass sloppy posse. Make the fucking loser guy take the bullet for not tipping hey i gotta go to the room first you don't tip so it's not a reflection on me fuck you uh and then the guy that had been sitting next to him we have to at some point we're like singing gangsters paradise remember the movie and he's like yeah at some point he capitulated and said yes i remember because he oh yeah now i because he wanted us to stop trying to tell him who coolio was

so that guy he starts getting drunk and he starts talking about God and Trump, and there's things I believe in. Indiana guy, again, worst fucking state in the 50. Really? Oh, yeah. And if we're playing there, you know it. That's why you come to our shows, because somehow you're stuck there. Are we playing Indians?

Fort Wayne. Fort Wayne. Oh, that's a fun one. Fort Wayne on Saturday, August 26th at the Tiger Room. Tickets on sale now at DougStanhope.com. Thank you for that quick plug. The guy, the Indiana guy who's there on whatever, he's like, oh, and it's great because I have a room that has a sliding door right out to the patio right here by the bar, which I always ask for that row.

And I go, oh, so do I. That's why I get it. He's a smoker like me. And he was very he goes, oh, I'm in 148. I go, I'm two doors down. 148. I go, I'm two doors down. So after the whole Coolio shit, and then the God

and Trump shit, then I added onto the tweets, because I know they're all coming back to the same fucking hotel. I said, if you want to fucking bring it up with me in person, I'm in room 148. That's great. i fucking saw that and i knew you didn't give out your own room number and knew there had to be a story that's a thing uh as just like giant dicks black people have an indefensible trait of not tipping.

I'm not saying it's good or bad. Hey, you also have a tendency to make way less fucking money. And the problem is, Becker talks about this all the time. They're charged. they have to pay taxes on eight percent i believe it is i think it's 12 oh maybe it went up for tracy tipping service is it eight eight maybe ten so if you get nothing you're taking money from my pocket they're gonna tip me overall sales they will take right that eight percent yeah you get taxed regardless on eight percent of what you sell so yeah you you're fucking my friend you you're stealing from my friend coolio wearing a baseball hat because he went bald but he's got

the fucking he still keeps those little fucking tea trees coming out of his baseball hat. Tea trees? Tea trees. Like pipe cleaners. Does he have to cut holes in his baseball hat? Yeah, that's what he was wearing. Clever. That's like an ID for him. It's like a look, I guess.

And his phone constantly playing Gangster Paradise. That's how he gets places. I noticed he hasn't been on twitter since then he's uh called him out he's not uh he didn't seem to be a big twitter guy anyway i think when i when i looked him up uh he had less twitter followers than followers, and he last tweeted on 7-16, and I think you called him out like a day or two after that because I was closely watching it to see. I didn't know if you were drunk enough to tweet your own room number.

I thought maybe I might have to drive to Tucson so we were going to rumble with fucking Julio. I didn't know what was happening, so I did some research. rumble with fucking julio i don't know what was happening so i did some research yeah that would be doug went there on the 16th all right well i don't know when i started fucking with the bieber thing i know i just tweeted that overnight it was the next day it's the next day that's what i mean you came back the next day. Because you missed the flight. Yeah, okay. I forgot that part. Yeah.

Yeah. I missed my fucking flight and had to eat. But it worked out. Stay with me. We get to Brian soon. We'll do a break by then. But so the Bieber raw meat. And I hated myself so much for missing that fucking flight.

It's just, I could have set a wake-up call on my phone if I knew how to do that. Or even the alarm clock radio, I could have gone back and set that. A missed flight, I feel, is like when you leave your duty-free shopping in the car or something. You never forget it. You always remember you missed that flight it's uh i was really bummed out even chaley's like you yeah oh i went i went down you i came up in the morning to get mail and if see if see if tom was here and it's it's really bright out and i can't see inside the funhouse because the lights are down. And I thought I heard, hey, Chaley. And I'm like, what the fuck? That sounded like Doug.

And you were slumped over at the end of the bar with no bartender. Trying to work my fucking – Working flights. How do I fix this? I walked in. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing here? You're going to make me cry, but it works so good for the last podcast. When you cried,

we got, we get the most responses on Twitter. You cried. Tom was here. He walked in while we're podcasting progress and saw you crying. I remember him sitting down and went, Oh, I'm just going to go. Yeah. yeah this is too good i didn't want to spoil yeah i walked right the fuck up this is good uh so then i get into the bieber thing first of all i fixed my fucking crazy flight to make it

even crazier everything worked out with that you stood for a while though yeah and then pretty depressed yeah so then i get into the bieber stuff and i'm fucking with the and people are like you get so many believers you just hashtag bieber mentioned bieber and all these fucking kids i get one point i had to even tell one of them maybe justin bieber doesn't have brain cancer and he's just pulling one of his pranks on me uh because i like what if a 14 year old girl fucking killed herself because she thinks justin bieber's gonna die and most of them are foreign yes that's the other issue is that is that they're taking everything verbatim. What I thought was helpful was even John Mayer tweeted something about

let Beaver cancel his date. I'm thinking now people are legitimately jumping in, and it's actually giving you some credence because you're just another celebrity. It appears there's something under the surface and the uh the verified status absolutely a long way and then i noticed too when i was looking through that any sort of confirmation that's why i finally jumped in like i was consoling stanhope because i was like all right i want to play too yeah because any sort of confirmation would set off a whole new storm of people like, oh, my God, it must be true.

And he has the population of China. I think he has 8 billion fucking Twitter followers. So it's always a fresh batch. Thank you very much. This is, and I asked Brian today, Twitter doesn't have a phone number. But I want to know, when you have that verified symbol, you can change. Mine used to say, I think you changed it.

Mine used to say comic drunk obsolete. I never changed that. That's still there. But you can change that. So I could change that to Justin Bieber's best friend. And it has a verified mark. I just don't want to lose the verified mark

if Twitter goes, oh, he's using this for ill-gotten gain. Guess who matches more to us? Wait. Wait, I think you'd... Brendan Walsh would be on that Twitter list way before you were. That guy fucks with everybody on Twitter.

Yeah, he doesn't fuck with Justin Bieber, though. Yeah. He knows where his bread is buttered. Oh, yeah. Biebered. I did ask him about that. The first time I thought of that was when you bitch at Delta, and it wasn't until Ann Coulter went on that tirade that I go,

I got to stop bitching at the airline when my flight's fucking late yeah i i don't want to look like that well to be fair i don't think you look like that and actually what it looks like to other people who never get any satisfaction from their bitching you get to live through you vicariously and you get to get satisfied immediately will be like doug sorry about that. And then I think a lot of people are like, that's fucking, somebody's finally answering for their shit. No, mostly I get, that's the most shit I get.

Where my own people fucking, yeah, they've never been on a plane. So they're like, fucking, oh oh yeah, white people's problem, that kind of shit. Oh, sorry, your fucking flight's late. See, maybe that's just me then. Well, I didn't think it until I saw Ann Coulter and I went, I guess that's because...

You've gone totally positive, though, before with Delta 2. Well, that's the point. They're a fucking... I'm a pro boners... Pro boner? Pro bono sponsor of Delta. I go on fucking Delta wearing Delta pins.

Yeah, yeah. I'm drinking out of... Right now, look. I am drinking out of a Delta glass. I fucking take pride in being a fucking diamond medallion. And your bitching was never adversarial. It was always diplomatic. You would bitch about legitimate things, but in a

polite... Well, let me know then. No, a lot of times I'm really drunk. Well, maybe I haven't seen all of them. Bingo's birthday flights and all these things, that was like war. No, when she missed your birthday. But in the old days, they would put you on another airline.

Yes. They don't do that anymore? I don't know what the strategy in bitching is. Before, they'd just go, well, we'll see what other airline we can put you on. I don't know what kind of fucking kidney failure you have to be in to get to a hospital before they'll go, well, American has a flight. Yeah. And I'd go, you know what? I prefer Delta.

I'll just die in the Sky Club of renal failure before I'll fly fucking American. Where was I in this dumb story that's taking up all Brian's time? Bieber. So, yeah, I dealt with all the influx of the fans and this is true i'm dying in sonic life without b-bird so at some point i lay off and i booked my next crazy flight which by the time you hear this, we'll be done. But the next crazy flight, this one, the one I had booked was going to get me almost 16,000 MQMs is what they call them. They're medallion qualifying miles.

I needed like 45,000 to get to the highest status. You're alienating your audience again, Doug. Don't worry. You're going to, no, this is good. Vicariously.

Yeah. So as I'm sitting there depressed, trying to fix that flight, I have to drive two hours back home from the airport. Seven 30 in the morning. Bummed. I missed my flight. I find a flight first class.

So fucking reasonably priced like unreasonably underpriced that goes now i'm not even i'm not gonna give you the fucking itinerary because the first two stops don't matter but the highest rated brian's been to this airport. It's my bucket list airport, Singapore. Always, when the top 10 airports in the world, Singapore is always fucking number one, and I found this flight for dogshit money comparatively that will give me 52,000 MQMs based on only twice the money I was paying for those 16,000. 52,000, diamond guaranteed, and it goes through Narita, Japan, Singapore.

I have five hours to wander around the airport. They get right back on the same itinerary back. I have five hours to wander around the airport. They get right back on the same itinerary back. It's 50 some thousand miles and 52,000 MQMs. Then I look at the dates that Justin Bieber is canceled, Japan and Singapore. This,

by the time you hear this, this will already have happened unless I'm in a coma. When I get to those, I'm going to tweet myself in those airports with Rita Japan and Changi in Singapore going, have to clean up Justin Bieber's mess, meeting with promoters and state officials, hoping they will stop the ban on him returning to this country. Shit like that. Hold on to your tickets, fans. Fingers crossed. It just happened just accidentally.

I'm like, oh, fuck. We can start it up again. Oh, yes. Why would he fly all the way to fucking Singapore if he wasn't? That's a good friend right there. But you have to do, again, Twitter Live. So you have to do video to show you're definitely there. That's the important point.

Anyone can fake a photo. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to do a video. Photoshop. I mean, he can't. See, that's the thing. Okay. Anyone can do it.

You just do Twitter. No, no. I'm saying Doug can't. Yeah, he can. He cannot. He can work Twitter. He barely works Twitter. He can No, no. I'm saying Doug can't. Yeah, he can. He cannot. He can work Twitter. He barely works Twitter. He can work Twitter live. Here's the thing. You should push...

I don't know how it works. I can do Periscope. You should push the podcast out faster. People should hear this before he does it. Because the amount of people ruining the joke in the comments was fucking a lot of people. Yeah, that's why I'm putting this out.

That's what I'm saying. You should hear this before he does this somehow. God damn it. No, no, they shouldn't because they'll think they're helping. Let it be organic anyway. Well, just don't the ruiners. I don't know. The helpers. Let's put a pin in that,

Chad. We can do that another time. That sounds like a really good idea. Someone around the table? Whoa, you've just been middle managed. What the fuck? I read that book too, you dick. Audible.com. Oh, wow.

Free plug. Worth it. Audible. We don't say audible.com. Go to Audible. Yeah. It's not even a plug. We'll get to the plugs later on.

We can take a break, actually, if you get it. Okay, so yeah, the Bieber, someone did say and pointed out, hey, fucking with Bieber fans is kind of low-hanging fruit, but this is funny. And I remember low-hanging fruit. And I go, yeah, absolutely. But I didn't mean to fuck with him. I was just trying to coagulate two news stories

into one stupid last-minute tweet of something I'll never use in my act. And maybe this will be in my act now. So, yeah. You did cross over and put... You crossed the two worlds, Julio and Bieber, in a couple of tweets. I know I saw one.

Coolio Bieber and John McCain. Oh, really? I didn't see that one. Geoblastoma. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Am I saying that right? Who cares? I'm sure you'll correct me.

All right, we'll come back because Brian Hennigan has the miracle of sight. Yay. Please hold. Hey, here's sponsorship. When you support our sponsors, they support us. It's a whole cyclical thing. We're just support our sponsors.

Here's a commercial that hopefully Chaley didn't take out the funny parts. Hey, Dollar Shave Club, you know what, Chaley, I've noticed about you with your beard? Is you don't use Dollar Shave Club

like you used to. And it, it, it tickles the inside of my ass cheeks. I'm not saying it's good. I'm not saying it's bad. I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying hey, let's get back to Dollar Shave Club. Hit a beat. You just hit every

beat on their list. Except for me having a beard. Hey Shaley, what happened to the beard? I liked it when it tickled my ass cheeks. You guys may not know this, but I have been a member of Dollar Shave Club for a long time. How long?

Maybe two years? I've been over three years. Yeah. I don't have a lot of routines. I don't shave very often. So I have a big stack of Dollar Shave Club things. And it's still worth it. Because when I do use them

I can use it and throw it away. I can use it one time and then throw it away and it's still worth it. It's worth more than buying them in the store. That was my pitch. And you can also pause your subscription. You don't have to get them... I see the light bulb over your head.

You didn't know that. You can actually pause it and say, hey, I'm going to take a break. I got a bunch of these. I started growing a beard or I'm grooming less. And you can do that. And then start it up again. It's part of my cover.

I like people to think that I'm more normal than what I am. So if I keep getting regular packages of razors, then people think that I'm not curled up in the fetal position, sleeping on my floor for long periods of time. Like the guys in Metallica. They want to relate to the people. I'm like a depressed 14-year-old girl that pretends to cut her wrists. But with Dollar Shave Club, they have like five blades,

but they're very, very thin. So you can make a line and your parents will pay attention to you, but it's not going to gut you. You know what I'm saying? You want to cut, but you just it's...

You think you're walking the line of something Shaley can use and you're really not. I... use and you're really not. I would read this fucking... When I went out with Rebecca, she was allergic. Rebecca, the saintly Norwegian who introduced me to moisturizing. I can smell her stuff.

I'm guessing she was hairy since this is a Dollar Shave commercial. As opposed to the other Rebecca who introduced you to shaving? That was Rowena. How dare you confuse two people whose names start with R, you fucking capitalist racist. All right. I'm going to turn his mic on now. Go ahead.

Thank you. Anyway, here's the thing, though. Rebecca introduced me to all sorts of wonderful things, including moisturizing. But she was allergic to cats. But she wasn't allergic to hairless cats. Who is? The problem was, I thought you had to make them.

Cats? I can't believe they put this in the bullet points. You can order a kit on Amazon. Yeah, so I subscribed to Dollar Shave Club in order to shave the cats so that Rebecca would have a cat she could play with. Yes. And it turns out shaving, again, if you've not shaved a cat,

it's going to be difficult. She's Norwegian. It gets cold. The cats die. You can't have dead cats in a fucking read, Brian Hennigan. The cats froze to death because you shaved them. It's above the Arctic Circle. Did she break up with you because you shaved her pussy without permission?

That stays in. That was... The kids... Despite the response in the room, that was very funny. Hey, buy cheap disposable razors that give you a cheap shave or spend a fortune on razors on gimmicky shaving tech you didn't need. That's a lose-lose. Go ahead, get Dollar Shave Club.

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weighty handle, a full cassette of four cartridges, and a tube of their shaved butter. Chad, that's the five blade deal. Rightio, Doug! Doug! Good, good!

Come on. It's a five blade! It's five fucking blades. Have you ever stayed at a fucking Holiday Inn Express and they go, if you forgot something, go to the front desk? You ever get that razor? It'll chop the shit out of your face. This is five real razors from Dollar Shave Club.

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That's dollarshaveclub.com slash stanhope. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash stanhope. Yeah, stanhope. That's the hidden key. Shave yourself, you fucking miscreants that show up at my show looking like fucking Scooby-Doo. Fuck you. Clean up and wear a nice vintage 1970s outfit like it's some kind of rocky horror picture show

you can only get this offer exclusively at dollarshaveclub.com slash stanhope that's dollarshaveclub.com slash stanhope good night here's the thing about castro I have slept in the pink bedroom multiple times mostly against my will and I've never enjoyed any of it even when there was a decent marathon of HBO stuff on

but the last couple of times when I've collapsed in the pink bedroom the first time I didn't even know it was a fucking Casper mattress and I woke up going, I feel newly rejuvenated and filled with buoyancy. And then the other night,

they told me, no, that's because it's a Casper mattress. And I went back into the pink bedroom and I won the best sleeps of my life. And I'm not joking about that. It was a phenomenal experience. So here's my take on the Casper mattress experience.

Casper mattresses. You will have a decent night's sleep, even if Ichabod is barking a lot. And even if you're shit-faced, don't know where you're sleeping, and all you remember is the room was pink when I woke up. You keep saying the pink room. Do you mean the Casper room?

Oh, my apologies. Obviously, I keeps saying the pink room. Do you mean the Casper room? Oh, my apologies. Obviously I meant the Casper room. It is so infiltrated. My consciousness. Casper is obsessively engineered mattress at a shockingly fair price. Indubitably. So hit the bullet points,

Jalen. It can buy supportive memory foams to create an award-winning sleep surface with just the right sink and just the right bounce. That would explain why I slipped into glorious unconsciousness. And that would explain why who gives a shit about all the fucking technology? You're drunk people. We're drunk people. you're drunk people we're drunk people and this shows up at your door in a box where you can just expand a mattress you just go oh ups is here is that my drugs no it's a fucking mattress in a box

that you just pull out and it expands overnight into a box where your heroin friend will sleep it's a manageable box with handles. And then you slide it out. I did this whole thing. I did the unboxing. And I was like, I just, I have to. You know I didn't do it. I know you didn't do it.

I just said, this can't be that easy. Because I've had other mattresses that came in a box in a roll. I remember when you were bitching about a competitor we won't name. Yeah, but you guys are missing the point. You're doing the whole fucking bit of 2001 where the whole build-up with the apes and then the fucking thing on the moon. I was in the fucking Casper mattress

when they're going through the fucking time zone bit and you end up going nowhere and there's somebody else looking at you who's in an old space suit. That was how good the Casper mattress was. Shut the fuck up and go lay down in a Casper mattress, you drunken fucking... That's the guy that controls my

fucking destiny. That's the guy I trust for my career. Well, we're also trusting him to represent Casper. Try Casper for 100 nights risk-free in your home. If you don't love it, they'll pick it up and refund you everything.

I never feel any risk. Oh, I'd like that. With over 20,000 reviews and an average of 4.8 stars, I think that's out of 5, it's quickly becoming the internet's favorite mattress. That would be very funny if it was out of 30 stars. I think that's out of five. It's quickly becoming the internet's favorite mattress. That would be very funny if it was out of like 30 stars.

It's not. It's based on Casper, Amazon and Google reviews. So it's just not their, their website designed and developed and assembled in the USA. Hey, Chad Shank as seen on the best voiceovers ever, how do I save some money with Casper mattresses?

Well, Doug, get $50 toward any mattress purchase by visiting casper.com slash stanhope. And don't forget to use the promo code stanhope. What's my name? Stanhope. Say my name! Stanhope. Say it! Stan Hope. What's my name? Stan Hope. Say my name! Stan Hope. Say it! Stan Hope.

You gotta get a mattress attached to your back. That's it? I ain't done. Voidware prohibited. Terms and conditions apply. Hi, this is Elton John

and you're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Fuck. This is too much work for you. We did like five podcasts in a week that week, and three of them were ever great. The easy way to do this was, here's from a podcast we didn't put out. And then you put that. Just that story, you mean?

Yeah, that story in. Or you do it as a cliffhanger. I could put that. We don't remember what you said. I can just take the segment of him talking about it and put it on the next podcast that goes out before this one. I got you. On the part two. On the part two of the Morgan Murphy, you yelling at Morgan in Buffalo.

I can put that. I just cobble it on there and I could do a small intro. Or you can do it right now. Yeah, just do that. There you go. Because then you would get the context of what this is going to be about. Yeah, just do that. I mean, that's just a cobbling.

You're literally going to fucking staple something on. about. Yeah, just do that. I mean, that's just a cobbling. You're literally going to fucking staple something on. Yes. All right. Just do that. I'll even give you a chance to spit some vitriol. You can say, Shaley fucked up and didn't put this, so that's why we're putting it here. Spit vitriol?

Seems mean to me. I know. That's my porn name, spit vitriol. All right. You ready? You ready? Spit vitriol. Hello.

Yep. If you don't know what an evergreen is, an evergreen is a podcast we tape that's not time sensitive. We don't talk about Trump or the Patriots winning the Super Bowl. It goes out. It's about Brian Hennigan. No one really cares. And they're not keeping tabs on, hey, this. Well, we did Evergreen when Brian Hennigan was talking about his eyes and his eye surgery that was coming up

and how it could go poorly. I don't know what the fuck we talked about. We were drunk. But evidently, Chaley spliced that into the last podcast that was some other kind of evergreen. I don't know. You should already be caught up. If you're not, Hannigan will tell us what happened with your eyes.

Just quickly recap how bad your fucking eyes are. Tell me again about my eyes. Sorry, that's a Bugs Bunny cartoon reference. I really didn't expect anybody to get it. cartoon reference. I really didn't expect anybody to get it. Just to preface, Chad Shank has been working on all of his Bugs Bunny reads.

He's taking classes. I know how I feel about comedy classes. And you know my take on that, but Chad is very happy with Sean Pratt who does voiceover so Chad can get into

doing audible reads. He's a well-known audible narrator and he does coaching to teach you when you don't know what the fuck you're doing. Like a mentor. Yeah, yeah. How is mentor better than coach? It's the same thing, isn't it? That's what I'm saying. He said he's a coach

and you said he's like a mentor. Well, a mentor, a coach would grab you by your fucking shirt and go, get in there and fucking read, bitch! You're ready to fucking read! That's what we need for Chad. That's kind of why I think Shaley was trying to mitigate the embarrassing part that I need a coach to help. I don't need a life coach.

He's just helping me with the technical aspects. Even the audible people said, because they want to use you, and they go, this fucking guy is great. If you're out there and you think you have pipes like Chad Shank. Sean Pratt. Sean Pratt. How do you find him? He's on Twitter at SP Presents.

I'm guessing if you Google Sean Pratt, doesn't he have a third name? Sean Allen Pratt is his full name, his dumb books, I guess. You find out that having just a voice is a very small part

of doing it. There's a ton of different parts that you have to also learn. One thing, as scary as it is to actually disagree with Chad Shank or give him any advice, when we were doing the book on tape, I don't know how good Sean Pratt is. I assume he's as good as you say but you're that good a student you take direction well like when i had to do the fucking louis thing and i can't act and i don't have natural abilities like you do i shut the fuck up and listen and you do that

which i like other times you're incorrigible almost to a fault like he like he has to have like like it has to be laid out which is is he way more comfortable with it that way so that if you don't if you tell him to just go with it that's the worst thing you can say to chad because he wants to know where it's going and how to follow when actors talk about making go, no, I'm reading the fucking thing you wrote. And if you want me to read it a different way, you tell me. Yeah. Well, and that's one of the hard parts that I'm learning about is I have to be in the closet by myself. So I have to be my own director.

So I have to learn to figure it out on different levels. At home in your studio. Yeah, yeah. And does that sound more professional? That sounded like you were talking about voiceover all right let's get to hennigan and his eyes yeah so i have had bad eyes all my life and when people people don't understand about when you have bad eyesight is it's a physical thing it's there's a something wrong with the shape of your eyes. 2020, everyone knows that.

Right. I have my contacts are like minus 300, which is, I could probably get to the store and back in daylight. You have negative. I had. This is what's odd is that my eyes have now changed i now have something actually approximate to what you have but in terms of short-sightedness what's short-sighted i don't know i'm i don't know you can see short you can see short distances you can't see far away yeah

so uh but when i before that up i think brian. No. Short-sighted means you can see up close. I think I know about this subject. All right. Well, the people at home are not seeing his hand. Well, he went this. He didn't go like that. He went in front of him. All right.

Does it bother you that either way it makes you a weaker human being? See, I'll be honest. Very interesting point, Chad, because that's one of the few things I would ever say to people is, the one thing that's physically wrong with me is something I can't help. Because I was born with weak eyes. Them eyes can't jog up a hill six times. Yeah.

And so what happens is that when you have very short-sightedness, like I was like minus 16, something like that. Your eye is literally stretched at the back of your, into your skull. That's what, it's a physical thing. Is a normal eye round or is it? No, eyes are slightly, you know. Egg shaped? Yeah, more egg shaped, slightly.

The idea of a perfectly round eye like an eyeball yeah even because when it comes out it's no longer contained by the skull

so therefore there's pressure outside and inside but like we sell eyeballs at Ghost Ride available now at ghostride.com

they are perfectly round but they're for horror purposes that's what you want to see but that's not what it looks like it is kind of like an oblong and it has a tail like a carrot that goes deep inside the head as well

it looks like a small testicle it's got some kind of rope that attaches to the back and otherwise it's kind of oblong and egg shaped so the point is the cause of my terrible eyesight. Hey testicle eyes, go ahead. I want to play the science minute.

The Stanhope science minute theme song right here so everyone knows that we are talking about science. So I then was suffering around about March, April. No, it was Aprilil i thought my contact lens was dirty and it turns out no because your eyes are so bad at a premature age you now have cataracts like

nuclear what they call a nuclear cataract uh so we have to replace both the lenses in your eyes and uh but first we have to find a surgeon who'll agree to do this it's like what? isn't there just money involved? no no no it's like conjoined twins your eyes are so bad your eyes are so bad

the surgeon is going to have to agree to do the job and this is where a doctor that wasn't getting a gig took a chance won and now he's the best ocular specialist in the world. Well, no,

I just couldn't get a gig and I got lucky. Yeah, I wasn't taking those chances. I went to an expert. No, I went to the best. I went to this guy. His name's Kodabash. He's in Beverly Hills,

which is where you want people to be for eye surgery because it's filled with rich old people who have eye problems. That's your theory for teeth too by the way yeah i know that's right uh why would you go elsewhere uh unless you had a soul so um kodabash i go in to see him he says brian i've done 13 and a half thousand of these operations you're going to be in the top 100 worst yeah jesus and he's basically and he said if anything's going to go wrong it's going to go wrong with you bedside manner yeah and he said but here's the this is where his bedside manner kicked in because he's like neil neil mcleod the the dentist he went

but here's the thing brian of those those 100 operations, only one has gone bad. He was brilliant. And so I'll cut to the, then they bring the guy in with his tapping cane and his cup. Doctor, I need you to sign these. Change for the blind. Change for the blind. I love that the doctor, like, because his because his condition is so extraordinary that instead of Brian posing for a photo where they block out his eyes, they block out his whole body and just have his eyes showing. The funny thing was, what do you mean, like in fucking seven? So the funny thing was, again, they had to have me cleared for surgery by a retinal

specialist because i previously had a detached retina so they had to get a retinal guy to check me first to make sure i could serve my eyes could survive surgery they are i've had something like that where there is a lot of things that can happen elsewhere in your body that the eyes are a window to the soul. Not only that, but you can't do some of these things if your eyes aren't capable. Correct. So that all happens. And we cut to me being in the operating theater. And this is where it comes very interesting.

in the operating theater and this is where it comes very interesting so they said to me you don't understand you have to be a you have to be conscious for this what you have to be fully conscious not again not lightly conscious fully conscious and it's this thing called you can look it up and it's i said this to somebody else sounds brilliant, it's called conscious sedation. So I'm in... Adderall, Antisanax. No. Cotabash owns its own fucking perfect hospital, right? And so I go in there,

on the first operation, Julie Seaball took me, second operation, Brett Erickson took me. It was like a coming together of the village. And so we go. Oh, I thought you meant once she thought you were going to be blind, she didn't need you anymore.

You had to go with a comic. All right, this is my last ride. You're doing one eye at a time, right? Of course. Which isn't self-confidence-ind inducing because they're doing that for a reason because in case there's a fuck up with the first one they're not going to do the second one at least you still have

one eye right so insurance payout for double eye blindness this hospital was like walking into a fucking boutique hotel it's like staffed by models and the W yeah it's like he described it like we're going to lose half the audience here, or 95% Woody Allen sleeper,

that kind of new age, kind of all white and... I lost 95% of the fucking podcast on that. Before you turn it off, the Ultra Bar in Clockwork Orange. Kind of. It was kind of like that. But the Woody Allen was more accurate.

Also interesting, because I have Woody Allen glasses. glasses see see what we did there yeah so um we didn't do that but so then we so then we cut to me i'm on the this gurney i'm on an iv and i'm thinking they're about to remove the lens in the middle of my eye and replace it with something artificial i'm you know i'm a mildly you know aware of this so then the anesthetist comes over it's a fuck who's amazing he said okay brian i'm just going to put something in your iv here and he did it and then i'm being wheeled through and the operation is taking place first thing they have to do is the bill cosby's there okay i put a little something in here i didn't question what it was oh no no it's here yeah they couldn't have bill cosby couldn't have used what they used did the dj asked if you wanted a

certain song during the operation they were playing music so here's the funny part is this because i'm lying there and they say so your eye this is everything is incredibly scientific and like you know moon base alpha type stuff until you realize obviously you can't move so apart from your eye they want you to have control of your eye but only in a way that that's determined by them and you meaning the rest of your body can't inadvertently move. How do they achieve this? I'll tell you how they achieve it. They gaffer tape you to a fucking gurney.

They duct tape you down? Literally, I heard this noise. I was like, what's that? And like, it was like, you know, a roadrunner coyote fucking thing. And they basically like, you know, a roadrunner coyote fucking thing. And they basically, like, you know, duct taped my torso, then duct taped my neck. Wait, tape?

For real, tape? And then everything else is perfect, like new age fucking state of the art. And then duct taped my head, duct taped, and everything until all that was visible was basically my eye. What you described earlier. That's what you said. For the pictures. So what they don't do that's like Clockwork Orange,

which I thought they would, is podcast imitate art. Yeah, but they did tape the eye open. So here's the important point. The first thing is they say, okay, you have to look into the laser while we weaken your lens so we can extract it. So I'm just going, okay, fine. I'll do that. And then they did that, and they said, okay, like, and they're giving this, they're saying they're very,

it's the one moment when they're very like, look here, look here. Like, they're very, like, commanding. Boot camp. Yeah. look here like they're very like like command boot camp yeah and then um uh then they're putting the next the replacement lens in and they're going look stay stay still don't nothing and it's done and i'm being wheeled they did it already yeah i'm being wheeled back and nothing has changed and what this drug they give you is this it makes you in you're completely aware of what you're completely lucid but you're indifferent to someone operating on your eye jesus christ

i wasn't groggy and i wasn't um high i was just like oh someone's operating on my eye great and then eventually they take me back through to the recovery alcohol high. I was just like, oh, someone's operating on my eye. Great. And then eventually they take me back through to the recovery. Was it alcohol? No. No, it was just money. My hands are sweating. I'm like super nervous. So I go back through to the I can't believe he's going to cry.

Well, you can't cry because they've operated on your eye. No, he's going to cry. All right. And so they take me back through to the like the recovery area which is and where i basically i just come from and they just sort of let the they just sit me there for 25 minutes then they go okay like stand up okay i just went out and found julie and she drove me home what it was brett it was no the first time it's the first one oh wait. Okay, so the second operation,

I had the presence of mind. I was like, the anesthetist comes. Fool me once. And I'm like... I do have questions, too. You said they did them both at the same time. No, no, no, no, no, no. They did them separately.

You said they do them both at the same time because if they fuck up... No, I said they don't do them both at the same time. Oh, they don't. They're not allowed same time okay the second time i was i said okay mr anesthetist um what is this you're giving me and it's a combination two drugs mixed and a special oh so many of our fans are gonna fucking be on google when you say this oh yeah just like that Just like... That's why they're listening. Just like Timothy McVeigh. How do you... You put what in the U-Haul? Okay.

It's a combination of propofol and fentanyl. That's the Michael Jackson killer. Yeah. And fentanyl is the one that you lick a kid and it kills you if it touched fentanyl. They cut heroin with it. Yeah, the powder from the residue. So cops are dying

from touching this shit when they knock your door in because you're dealing drugs and they grab the wrong... What's this in the... Oh, God. Just the powder residue can be absorbed in your skin and it's a major thing.

I had a colonoscopy years back and they gave it like a twilight they called it and I think it was similar it is similar because he has a 2020 eyeball in his asshole right now I just pictured that that's how he gives people the stink eye

I said this to our one one hollywood contact sam sarkar how i was completely lucid and then entirely indifferent to what was happening and he said yeah i think that's what they give agents oh sam was gonna milk that joke oh i know but it But it is very odd to be completely aware of what... You can understand why someone like Michael Jackson, who had a few things going on in his life at the time it happened, would like propofol. To be distracted from.

Just because you could do everything you normally do and not really care about all the multiple lawsuits that are happening. It was for sleeping. It's what it was. So he could actually shut his eyes and the carnival stop. Yeah. So anyway, now, after six to eight weeks, I

am able to see in a way that I could never have done before. I have never been able to wake up in the morning and see the ceiling for as long as I can remember. What's the space between first operation and second operation? Two weeks. Okay. Chad Shank just discovered the miracle of $2.99 Ace Hardware reading glasses.

Didn't know he had fucked up vision until his wife gave her her reading glasses and went, holy... I tried them on and... Oh, fuck. All right. That's the same with these. I didn't realize it.

But it's a beautiful feeling when you can see again. I got a question. Did they replace your lens is what they did? Yeah, I have artificial lenses. Oh, wow. Because Jenny was for a while, was an assistant in an eye clinic where they did this, but not as fancy as what you're talking about

because I helped her study for it when she was going through the training. They also sold farm fresh eggs in the lobby. And they just have to physically slice a hole in the side of it and then insert a rolled up new lens in that little slice. A fruit roll up. And it unfurls into the new spot. And that made my fucking asshole clinch slice and it unfurls into the new spot and that made my fucking asshole clinch

every time I'd have to read that book with her to help her study for that but again that's why with me they used this laser they had to take the lens out again my eyes are so well that's fancy though right but when I had my follow up

with the Kodabash person, who's fantastic, he has the right level of humble brag about him, and I said, that was an amazing procedure. And he just went, yeah, we basically performed the most advanced eye surgery possible, like full stop. Like in the world. Yeah, you have the most advanced and powerful lens in your eye that is available.

He's the bionic man. Yeah. Now he can actually see through your soul without missing all those things. I know. When he tried to tear you apart as a person behind your back, you'd go, you know what the problem with that person is? But it's a bit blurry, but I think now he knows. And yet he can't see that Club Metronome is not going to have seats in the fucking venue.

Oh, I saw that. That was a problem with my typing. I didn't tell you. But yeah, so what was very exciting was going to a regular optician and being able to select, because I still have to get corrective vision for driving, and not your cars. You need corrective fucking driving classes. You should see fucking Bobo from the Stern Show.

Wait. Take his fucking driving class. So the point was, it's the first time I'd ever been presented with. Sorry, I meant Steve from Florida. I could actually just select any frames like anyone else because normally when i went to the optician it'd be like well we could probably you know leverage like the fucking glass bottle lenses you need into maybe that frame and so therefore that's the one you're getting like Like the professor on Futurama. Are you sure you don't want this monocle, sir?

Hey, white urkel. Tape or no tape. Anyway, so it was interesting. But you were so fucking happy. Look, I can see. Did you not notice? I was like, Knopka's lost a bunch of weight,

but I come home and I get other shit I worry about. He's like, can you tell me I look good? I'm like, oh, fuck. Yeah, you did lose a lot of weight. And Brian, when we stayed the night in that hotel,

he's like, did you notice? It didn't take me 45 minutes to put in my fucking coke bottle contact lenses no i didn't notice but now that you pointed it out yeah yeah it's funny that he he wanted you to notice that he could see better well that's the case as well as more to do the fact that i was i wake up in the morning and just go okay now the day starts as opposed to where are my fucking glasses oh that's great you You know, how quickly can I put my contact lenses in?

Well, let me say no. He wakes up, when you share a hotel room with Hennigan, he sleeps naked and he gets up naked. So you don't notice. You leave, you look the other way, you pretend you're watching TV, you pretend you're retying your fucking Velcro tennis sneakers. You do anything but look at Hennigan.

So, no, I didn't notice. Hennigan's eyes get better, and you're trying to put your eyes out. Exactly. Can I get your old vision? Is there a trade-out, like a Guns for Toys program? How does one get glaucoma? Is there a how-to? The only way you'd notice is if he found his underwear in the morning.

I noticed you put on underwear today. Normally I was getting up trying to climb in the pillow sack. Fuck it. All right. Right. You know what? I'm going to save. I've got two little things to talk about there.

Oh, good. You're good. I'm going to save... I've got two little things to talk about. Oh, good. You're good. I'm just saving... I wanted to pitch The Defiant Ones on, is it Showtime or HBO? HBO. It's magnificent. It's fucking phenomenal. It's not a paid plug. I mean,

Jimmy, Eovine, and Dr. Dre, the moment where fucking Emininem meets dr dre my god and they sit in the studio and eminem like and they just riff his fucking hair and i just saw that one and uh doug have you seen that one yeah yeah we've watched them all eminem i mean who the fuck was smart enough to be videoing that whole time? Oh, yeah. This isn't recreated. He's sitting there, and a week ago, he was in fucking mile eight or eight mile or whatever, passing out demo tapes and rap battling at a fucking stupid open mic.

It's so good. That's fantastic. That's just shaving the fucking top of it. It's so good. Please don't send any more matches. We've got so many fucking matches. So give us your

closing tomes. Two little interesting things that I thought you'd enjoy. I know you'll enjoy this. And they're both medically related in the theme of stuff that we've been talking about. Number one thing that's not been reported enough, ProPublica came out with this report

based on a medical research that showed there is such a thing as placebo surgery. And they basically examined a bunch of things that basically said people are reporting they feel much better after surgery even when they did surgery that made no difference they deliberately did surgery that did nothing they just knocked someone out and appeared to do surgery and the people were like oh i feel so much better i for

uh full disclosure pro publica is the parent company of SmartFuck Magazine. Yes. So anyway, that's a very interesting article about the idea of placebo surgery. You'll undergo surgery and you will naturally think I feel better

even if there's no real reason. Well, that's why they do placebo pills and stuff like that. Yeah, but as a study. The point being that there's no real reason well that's why they do placebo pills and stuff like that as a study the point being that there's a lot of surgery taking place that's unnecessary oh fuck yeah oh i i wish i know as a dog i have dog placebo sex through a myriad of porn sites and i feel like i just came all over my belly and I hope no one has a black light. You passed out and I just took a turkey baster

and squirted something. The other medical thing that I thought was very interesting was, and this is equally brilliant. I hope so. There's the myth of, sorry, I made a mistake. This is also ProPublica.

I was in a bit of a jag. The myth of drug expiration dates. Basically, they discovered Oh, I did read that. Yeah. Most drugs, they'll stop being effective, but

they'll never kill you. And most drugs will keep going, frankly, forever. I remember when neighbor Dave was selling frito-lays and he would bring us all these expired chips you have to eat them soon no they don't they put an expiration date on most of that shit so you eat it quicker and then buy more sell yes go ahead you guys realize that's where all the cheap drugs in me Mexico come from is because all the expired drugs in the United States go to Mexico, and then people go across the border and buy them for a lot cheaper. Yes, there's a nonprofit that tries to just take the expired drugs in America

over to third world countries, and it's the red tape of how they can actually get them. And they'll take whatever. We shovel over there. But it's just getting the drug how they can actually get them. And they'll take whatever. We shovel over there. But it's just getting the drug companies to let go of that. They want to destroy them or flush them. Of course they do. Ah, fuck.

We've got to take a break. The cat's having kittens. Pro Flowers. Pro Flowers. This has come in so fantastically where like if if pro flowers were not a sponsor i would just ignore so many people where i go oh no pro flowers fucking evelyn evil e She still has the... We called her Evil E. Evelyn is a woman of a certain age that doesn't listen to the podcast.

And one of the meanest women... We were just talking about this. When Russ Dunn died... I was talking with Andrew. When Russ Dunn died, she went, Good! She didn't like him. I was talking with Andrew. When Russ Dunn died, she went good. She didn't like him. And Russ Dunn loved the fact that she openly hated him because he loved honesty.

And she just turned 64, 5. Nah. I don't care. Doesn't matter. When we had that fucking cop shooting, we had our own little Ferguson thing that didn't make the news where a cop shot a homeless guy because he thought in broad daylight he might have been wielding a knife from far away.

And so this fucking pig shot the fucking crazy guy. But you know what? When you live in a town like Bisbee, hey, this is a Pro Flowers commercial. Stay with me. When you live in a town of 5,000 people, everyone knows everyone. And they shot not a dude. They shot Crazy Carlos. He was known as Crazy Carlos.

Known as Crazy Carlos. And somehow at noon, he harassed people in the fucking parking lot of Safeway. Not the flower section? Hang on. Evelyn, as the cops and Tucson local news drove all the way down they're doing stories about the shooting and then Evelyn's surrogate says hey you know they just

killed crazy Carlos and she goes yeah he deserved it and she goes Evelyn you're really mean. He goes, don't you remember how he'd harass us and try to grab us in the parking lot? He deserved it.

So, Evelyn, for her birthday, we sent her pro flowers. No, we missed her birthday. We sent her flowers for her birthday. We just missed the day. We missed the day, but we spontaneously surprised someone. Getting flowers on her birthday, we did it on an extra day because we forgot. And we sent it to her, not at her house, to her workplace where people go, why is Evil E getting flowers from anyone? She's

mean. She loves it when Crazy Carlos dies. She loves it when Russ Dunn dies. Everyone yeah they deserved it. But you know what? She's mother to me. I love no

woman older than me except for Tracy. That much. Pro flowers. Just send flowers to weird people and make them just creeped out. It's not expensive. No, actually, you'll get 20% off any of the unique Summer Rose bouquets or any other bouquet of $29 or more. Just send flowers to someone at work that you despise and send it from the really hot girl that works the front desk that you know won't last for three or four more weeks.

And give that guy hope. Where's my stapler guy? Send that guy flowers from the hot chicken work, and then just watch. It's, what, 29 bucks for all your amusement. You guys have jobs. I don't. I get drunk, but I have good ideas,

and this is one. A good choice would be their colorful rainbow roses. They're always a hit and it's sure what someone would like to get. Yeah, that's a bullet point. You know what to send them. Send them the biggest, most grotesque

what's the word? My mother used to use that word. Ostentatious. Just a giant bouquet of flowers to the most ridiculous person you know. They're guaranteed to stay fresh for at least seven days or your money back. Plus, you control the date that they get sent. You do it all online.

Do it. Pro flowers. Is there a hashtag or a sitcom? We'll get to that. A sitcom. Slash tag. Fun wart. The takeaway here is that Pro Flowers gives you more bloom for your

buck. Chad, hit that beat. To get 20% off Summer Roses or any other bouquet of $29 or more, go to proflowers.com and use code STANHOPE at checkout. That's proflowers.com and code STANHOPE. Don't wait to make someone's day.

If you're Chad Shank, you can make everything sound beautiful. That's proflowers.com and code Stanhope. Hey, we're back. All right, it's time for viewer mail. The first two, the one I'm not even going to read, is one of the ubiquitous people who think we have some intern program this ain't stern there's i will live out of a fucking cabin i can what how what did he say in this uh i can he can pull moisture out of cacti that creeped me out at that point. I'm like, yeah, I think you could

also hide a body. Wait, I got a lot of shit I need done around my yard. I can get rid of that guy when he's done if he's real weird. That's why I threw the print off of the email to you. This is the whole George Costanza getting an

intern, or no, Kramer getting an intern on Seinfeld. This guy was willing to do everything and went way overboard of what he's willing to do. I can't believe Hennigan is so drunk that he didn't jump up at the mention of Seinfeld

because he knows, no, you fucking talk from your fucking sitting position. Alright. Yeah, we don't need help around the house people miss they they purposely mishear what they hear on the podcast oh i heard you said you needed someone to do that no no i needed this done and i found someone to do it and you're trying to needed this done and I found someone to do it and you're trying to stop. More importantly, he said he wanted to live in a cardboard box somewhere in a corner on your property, which is, that's the problem.

If I want someone to edit a podcast. Tom's already got that. Hey. If I want someone to edit something, I can send it to them through Dropbox. I don't need a creeper the last thing I want is people around me this is on you Chaley

there's two in a row let me get my tissues let me get my tissues Chaley people keep emailing me, hey, why is it $24 to ship a thing? I understand if that's out of the country because that's what they charge us.

We're not trying to rape you on fucking shipping charges. If you live in some fucked up country, but you don't tell me where you're from, hey, $24 to ship a $20 item? Well, talk to your fucking post office. And if you get a really rude email from me, look at the, I think I've said this a million times. Doug. This is the guy that says.

Doug, the one you're reading right there, it's stapled. The replies, they go backwards. It's fucked up, but that's the way I could print it. No, no. This is the one that I look for someone to hate in the morning so I don't focus on myself. Chad knows this.

When you're not in a hotel. He says, hey there. I'm looking at buying one of the Mishka Shibali t-shirts. A t-shirt we sell as a favor to a friend. And I was hoping you could supply

me with some details about the sizes. I'd like the pit-to-pit size on the small and medium tees. Also, could you tell me the price of shipping to scotland and i just wrote yeah and then afterwards we'll haggle go fuck yourself like i'm gonna go down while chaley's on the road making sure his wife doesn't have breast cancer and break into the shop and get a tape measure to measure pit to pit. You don't know if you're a small or a medium.

You need me. You fucking email me. You're relying on Doug to know how to work a tape measure. First of all, first problem. Dear personal shopping assistant. You're an Amazon bot, Doug. I have rather large man breasts, and a regular medium shirt looks funny on me.

What about the waist? medium shirt looks funny on me. What about the waist? Then I just kept fucking with him and telling him he's a piece of shit. And then when he finally relented, sorry, I'm an annoying Scotsman, I said... I have one of my own.

Yeah. I said, don't worry. I like to tell people to fuck off a lot before I forward the don't worry. I like to tell people to fuck off a lot before I forward the email to jail. And you get to deal with anger. Much like on the tour. I get the fucking problem at the end of the rope. Wait, where's the fucking one?

Where's this cocksucker? I think that's this. Yeah, here you go. Is it another email? this is this is robin oh oh chaley and uh tom knopka saw the name robin and both assumed it was a lady and chad shank and i saw saw just the subject. The text. Fucking shitty ads. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. That's a dude. I didn't even have to get that far. Yeah. Fucking. Chicks don't lead a subject line. Fucking. I'm assuming not a lot of chicks email in.

If there's not a lot of chicks listening to the podcast, probably, and those few probably don't email in complaining about it. One-tenth of our listeners are females. Robin Miles-Langley. Half that. Now we call them chicks for ten minutes. First of all, before I read

the fucking shitty ads in the subject, I see your name. Robin Miles. Miles-Langley. the fucking shitty ads in the subject, I see your name, Robin... Miles. Miles Dash Langley. Anyone who hyphenates their name for a marriage, what do you think your kids are going to do?

What if your kid is going to marry Sean... stupid Dash idiot? is going to marry Sean stupid-idiot. Then it's going to be Miles Langley- and then their kids. They're going to have 85 fucking names, and they're going to have to live in some- We're talking about somebody who emails Robin Miles Langley. Let's just hope they don't have any kids at all. It's a fucking big thing in the NFL

where I see the hyphenated names on the back of the jersey and you go, really, you're going to make that a thing? Because your kids... Wait, that's not because they're not sure who the father is? Doug, can you pay Chaley a salary? Because these shitty ads, flowers, stamps, apron, et cetera,

are really boring and annoying. You know what? Your email wasn't. Your email inspired me to shit all over Robin Miles Dash Langley and your stupid kids you'll produce. The fake ads were great. The fake ads were real.

They just didn't know that we were doing ads for them. The fake ads tricked real ads to get on port. Yeah. Quit fucking this gravy train up. But now Chaley says Robin Miles Langley. Ma'am.

You're going to have to. You're going to have to. I bet Robin Miles Langley will have to go back to Robin Miles when they divorce because she made her name go first. Wait, this is what? Interesting. That's interesting. No, I think it is. No, I'm back to Robin Langley.

I was Miles Langley until she dumped me for a rapper. Coolio. He means a Christmas rapper. The fake ads were great, but now Chaley needs to afford a hip operation or some such, and he is making you do these ads. Yes, Chaley makes us do ads you fucking cunt we try to make him put in the ads i tried to post pictures once of shaley making stanhope do ads and he got so mad at me he's like you don't post the pictures of me making stanhope do ads you come into my house, motherfucker.

Robin Redbreast continues, you are ruining your own podcast. Pay Chaley money and save us from these bullshit reads from Robin. No, he said from Robin. From Robin. No, I get it. He said... He's on LinkedIn. That's the first one

that comes up in Google. Yeah, he's in the... He's a Scotsman. Who is he? Yeah, he said... Fucking... Scotland is in there. I think that was the one before.

That was the one before. Oh. But fuck it. Let's blame it on this guy. No, he's... I think he's from Nottingham. Yes. Oh, that's the one before. That was the one before. Oh. But fuck it. Let's blame it on this guy. No, I think he's from Nottingham. Yes. Oh, that's right. Nottingham.

Yep. Listen. Hack Oddity is going to come look for you. No, there's no recourse in this. I just wonder. No, no. I'm saying Hack Oddity will be in a fucking medical facility due to his burden, let's say. So what do they want out of this?

They want you to just pay me for their entertainment? Is that what they want? I've done this for three years. I've edited all the podcasts for three years for no money. And then a company came and said, we would like to host your content and to pay you with ads. I have paid him. How do you have the balls to send that without a check in there with the letter? I enjoy your content, but fuck you for getting anything out of it.

Keep giving me more for free. And Doug, you should pay for everything. Yeah. Doug, you should pay for everything. Yeah. Which you did the whole time. Until we got paid, and now we get paid. What's wrong with that?

Let's just stop doing it based on Robin Miles Langley. Let's just stop. At Hotmail, by the way. At the website will just be the reason you can't hear the Doug Stano podcast is because of Robin Miles-Langley. Listen, Robin Miles-Langley, you only mentioned Shaley in your

email, but you forgot that Chad Shank gets a percentage of those proceeds as well. So you want to shoot me in the foot and I'll find out where the fuck you live. Actually, you're on a hit list. Is that what we do? You want to take a break?

You want to take a month off? Robin thinks we need a month off. Let's just never do the podcast again. Let's start the Miles Robin Langley, whatever the fuck. Robin Miles-Langley? Yeah, podcast. On LinkedIn. It's the Google search. We just read menus

from local eateries. It'll be the fake commercial podcast. We'll read all the deportation. All the members of the deportation. Totally depressing. deportation all the members of the deportation totally depressing shame I was thinking of a

bell in the background too shame shame we're stealing Stern to close this fucking thing out. Fuck you, Robin Miles Langley. And go fuck yourself. Bill Burr, December 2nd at the Desert Diamond Casino.

Go check it out. Absolutely. Is it December 2nd? Yeah. I'm too scared to go. Go check it out. Absolutely. Is it December 2nd? Yeah. I'm too scared to go. Here's the plugs. My August dates are on DougStanup.com. It's all

Upper Midwest, Wisconsin, Michigan, Minnesota. Then back to Kansas City and Denver. Oh, yeah. Denver. Kansas City and Denver on our drive back home to finally get our fucking car back.

All the links are up and it goes August 7th to August 31st. Correct. It says it's sold out. It's fucking sold out. Yeah. And by the way, the great people of Duluth

who are on the fucking mailing list, that gig was half sold out purely through the mailing list. So if you're a huge fan and you weren't on the mailing list that gig was half sold out purely through the mailing list so if you're a huge firm and you weren't on the mailing list that's why you can't get a ticket some people say oh i'm on the mailing list i have a couple well you know what it goes by the if you used to live in san jose california and you moved to fucking cincinnati we're yeah that's why we have a mailing list that's targeted to the region so you don't get fucking spam. And we're aware there are occasionally idiosyncrasies,

but for the most part, we're always right. Sometimes it fucks up. Also, I know people that have told me before that it went to their spam folder. So check your spam folder if you're subscribed to the mailing list because it might be going there already all right and uh merchandise point uh yeah there's lots of merchandise chaley has lots of merchandise it keeps this podcast going we're selling we're selling vinyl on the road because people were asking about that uh my book they moved the uh release date up from

halloween to to December 5th, which works good for business because it's Christmas. Yeah, so buy my new book, This Is Not Fame, on Amazon or wherever the fuck else you buy shit. Anywhere but Walmart, probably. They're desperate to do anything. Hey, you want some voiceover done chad shank through the genius of sean pratt is now a professional voiceover dude so go to audio

dot shank dot com audio shank dot com oh well he put a dot oh he put a dot. Oh, he put a dot. Audioshank.com. It's just redirect. It's the way he wrote it down. It's still my fault. I love that it's still my fault. What's funny is it redirects to my Twitter account. I don't have a website yet.

Tune in next time where Chaley will cry like a cunt again. And let's play this out with Boys Don't Cry. No, that's a movie. No, that's a movie no that's a song we can't use copyrighted shit so let's just go with Mishka Shibali I don't know if he still hates me what are the tracks of my tears

just shut the fucking podcast down and play Marilyn Manson Killing Strangers fucking podcast down and play uh maryland banson killing strangers this world doesn't need no opera here for the operation we don't need a bigger knife They got a knife They got a knife They got guns We got guns We got guns They got guns We got guns

You better run You better run You better run You better run We're killing strangers We're killing strangers We're killing strangers so we don't kill the ones that we love We're killing strangers

We're killing strangers We're killing strangers We're killing strangers so we don't kill the ones who we love Love Love Love Love Love We pack demolition We can't pack emotion Dynamite, we just might So blow us a kiss Blow us a kiss We'll be right back. We're killing strangers. We're killing strangers.

We're killing strangers so we don't kill the ones who we love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. We got guns. We got guns. Motherfuckers better, better, better run.

We got guns. We got guns. We got guns. Motherfuckers. That'll run. We got guns. We got guns. Motherfuckers. That'll run.

We got guns. We got guns. Motherfuckers. That'll run. We're killing strangers So we don't kill the ones in the middle We're killing strangers We're all killing strangers We got guns We're killing strangers We got guns

We're killing strangers So we don't kill the ones that we love Love Love Love Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Alone, alone

You better run, cause we got guns Cause we got guns We got gold Hey, we're doing commercials now. So support our sponsors so we keep doing this. Otherwise, eat a bucket of shit. One more and say eat a bucket of shit. One more and say eat two buckets of shit. Not enough buckets of shit.

Actually, I need you to say twobucketsofshit.com Don't wait to make someone's day. If you're Chad Shank, you can make everything sound beautiful. That's what you do. But if you want fucking insurance,

Geico is the worst fucking insurance ever. Yeah. Yeah, you can cut it. We're done.