The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #242: Pack Toilet Paper or Double Up On Socks?

Episode Date: January 31, 2018

Doug and Hennigan discuss the upcoming international tour dates and what they might expect. It's not pretty and Chad and Chaille weigh in. Get on the mailing list for added dates. It's gonna be a long run this year.This episode is sponsored byBlue Apron - Get $30 off your first box with free shipping at [BLUE APRON.com/STANHOPE](BLUE APRON.com/STANHOPE)AND[MyBookie.ag](MyBookie.ag) - Sign up today for an instant 50% Bonus on your first deposit. If you join with $100 you’ll get $150 bankroll to play with. Use promo code STANHOPE to activate this offer.Order a SIGNED copy of Doug's NEW book, "This Is Not Fame: A "From What I Re-Memoir"" at - [http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/?category=Books](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/?category=Books)Bingo's book "Let Me Out: A Madhouse Diary" is now available at [http://www.bingobingaman.com/](http://www.bingobingaman.com/)Recorded Jan 26th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille. Bar was Tended by Ms. Tracey.Don't miss out on Stanhope's 2018 Tour Dates. Get on the Mailing List. [http://www.dougstanhope.com/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/)Closing song, “One Night in Bangkok”, by Murray Head. Available on iTunes. LINKS:Visit [BlueApron.com/Stanhope](BlueApron.com/Stanhope) for $30 off your first box with free shipping.Sign up at [MyBookie.ag](MyBookie.ag) for an instant 50% Bonus on your first deposit. Use promo code STANHOPE to activate this offer.Chad Shank Voice Over info at [AudioShank.com](AudioShank.com)Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org/](http://www.innocenceproject.org/)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast the uh so are we are we rolling now yes all right we're rolling brian hennigan is gonna tell me what i can expect well here the exciting thing is i don thing is I don't know for sure what we can expect. We're going to Asia. Jenny just walked in. She came to pick up Chad Shank, but now she might get roped into this. When's the last time you were back in Thailand? When I was three.

When you were three. So what can I expect? Let's have some local knowledge then. She's got nothing. So we're going to March. We're doing this Asia tour. We take off from San Diego the day after the last San Diego gig. Sold out, by the way.

Sold out. By the way, we should maybe define what sold out means again. No. You know what? Oh, my God. Sold out. By the way, we should maybe define what sold out means again. No. You know what? Oh, my God. Sold out. It means there's no more seats.

There is no list. There's no secret fucking chairs. I don't know what they think. You can't email Chad Shank, ask ask him for help getting you tickets the uh so chad shanks had somebody busted his balls hey can you talk stand open to getting me on the list that fucking magical list more than one yeah the uh yeah so the first stop is uh hong kong which is one of the easier stops shall we say. Now, you've been to Hong Kong. I have not been to Hong Kong.

Hong Kong, I think, is one of the most magnificent cities in the world, second only to Tokyo. And it changed my life living in Hong Kong twice. Wait, you lived in Hong Kong? Well, the first time, I mean, I basically lived in Hong Kong. I was there for three months. Weren't you teaching English? No, I was in between China and Japan. But I hadn't worked out what I was going to do initially after China.

So I lived in this hostel, shared a room with nine Filipino workers in like a triple bunk bed situation. So it was actually eight Filipino workers. Which bunk did you have? This is the bottom one. The bottom one. Oh, you were king boss. in like a triple bunk bed situation. So there's actually eight Filipino workers. Which bunk did you have? The bottom one. The bottom one. Oh, you were king boss.

I was told off one night, or not one night, one morning. They said, you can't keep coming home drunk and getting naked in the room. Because I was hammered. We still can't break him of that. Nor can we break him of that Scottish cheap where he goes, oh, I'll just share your room.

You can either be naked. Or share a room. Or get your, yeah. Anyway. How did that resolve, by the way? What do you mean? Did you end up putting on trousers? Oh, I think I just made a mental note not to do that when I came home drunk.

All right. So that's what we have to do. Yeah. And then I lived there. That notebook is full. I lived there for six months with the saintly Rebecca when she was a hedge fund manager in Hong Kong. Oh, so both times you lived with other people that worked for a living yeah did she say did she have similar rules about you getting drunk and naked

not initially but so what's so great about hong kong other than i know it's interesting because hong kong is in effect as far as i can, the nearest there is to a genuine libertarian state. Which is odd, because it's part of the People's Republic of China, which is ostensibly socialist. And there is almost no

welfare support system, but the city runs itself incredibly well. So they don't spit on you like in China proper? Yeah, that used to be an issue. You still see spittoons around the place. So there's a lot of these countries that have really fucked up rules.

They're very strict on one thing, but not the other. I have to do them all in two weeks or whatever it is. I have a prescription for Xanax, but I'm sure there's one country that doesn't recognize that prescription. It's still fucking illegal. I would say all of them. Well, I'm going to have to go with all of them.

It's not like I'm going to ke part keister my bottle for oh two days in vietnam yeah you should just shove that bottle up your ass just to be safe so yeah i'm gonna have to go on like even over the counters though you could yeah but who knows about over the counters you know maybe by then i won't need them. Maybe I'll sleep naturally. Maybe I'll have a change of heart about my lifestyle. Have Brian Hennigan in some fucking thatch hut holding me while I shiver. Get it out of my system a few days. I'd picture that with you guys in bunk beds, by the way.

All right, so Hong Kong, you know. Hong Kong, I know. Then we go to Singapore, which I don't know. I've been to the airport. You've been to the airport? Yeah, so it's fine. I almost went to Singapore, and the club owner was trying to get bands from Guam to go out there,

and I just got skeeved out. It was about the time when the kid got caned and stuff. I'm like, man, I'm with three other dudes. One guy, I'm not worried about him, but the other guys, he'll try to sneak a half a joint. It's not even a full joint. That would be like the fuckhead in north korea that tried to steal a sign for a memento poster yeah yeah so i saw and then the the guy was also he kept upping the money and then that that was

and then i heard that he also takes your passports when you get there what yeah and then you only get one way to his name was fagan big red flag yeah it's just too much and then you only get one-way tickets name was fagin big red flag yeah it's just too much and then being you know that far away and everything that was going on but i think you'll have fun yeah singapore um i don't yeah there's not that you have any worries about it and then it's really clean city but then thailand jenny if there's any kind of missive that you want to write down that i could smuggle in and give to family members that are still left behind there? This is a picture of her now.

She's a grown woman. Nobody cares. And then after that it's Vietnam. Have you been to Thailand? Funnily enough, I haven't. It's not funny at all. Well, it's funny to me, but it's's kind of obvious so i don't bother going yeah where are we gonna have any time off there

janae just texted me she's a friend she was at the phoenix thing yeah she's a poker player or was i don't i can't quite remember oh i'm gonna be in Bangkok while you're there. You want a drink on St. Patrick's Day? I don't fucking know where I'm going to be, how much time I'm going to have before and after. I mean, bear in mind, we're flying internationally at this point, so it's more stressful flying than domestic. So every flight is customs. Basically, every flight is customs.

It's kind of like Scandinavia. But further apart. The distances are not close like in Europe. That's the problem. I have no idea of the logistics. The flight from Bangkok to Tokyo is five and a half hours. Right now, Tokyo is

your last date on the tour. Bangkok, and then fly day, and then Tokyo gig. Oh, we have Vietnam, too. Sorry, sorry. Yeah, whatever. Ho Chi Minh City? Yeah.

Ho Chi Minh City. I just saw Apocalypse Now again. I'm trying to think of which one's scariest to me, which they all are for different reasons. Singapore being the least, since I've been to the airport, they probably remember me. Wait, that kid. Can you play poker with that kid in Singapore?

Yeah. Yeah. That's all I remember of that whole thing. And there's a butterfly garden in the airport. Yeah. Changi. Yeah, Changi. It's always voted the best airport in the world.

So, yeah, I remember it as being fine. It was just fine. Anyway, Ho Chi Minh City, Bangkok. I picture both of them screaming motorcycles, chickens and shit in the road, and that's the main highway. Yeah, and I'm scared of bad plumbing, shitting in holes. It'll be like going to Hereford. Well, I've talked to that guy.

I did an interview with this guy in Cambodia that has some expats kind of blogger. I don't know what the fuck it is, a zine, however they communicate over there. And I said something about shitting in a hole and not having toilet paper. And he said something to the effect of they have bidets. But it's like a hand bidet. Like you carry your own bidet and squirt water up your ass so you don't need toilet paper. That doesn't make sense.

What, like an ear plunger? You get to carry a cup and have a bucket. You get to talk on mic. Oh, she's fucking with me. No, for real. She gets to carry a cup. You have your personal cup and you have a bucket

and it has water and you dip that and then you wash your hiney with it, sir. That's, well, you, that was when you were three. That can't be true.

No, no, no, no. That's probably not for tourists. No, it's genetic. Like villagers and stuff. All right, I'm going to carry two things in my travel bag. It's going to be a block of cheese and toilet paper. Yeah. If they have proper plumbing, I use the toilet paper.

Otherwise, I eat a lot of cheese and save it for the next country, hoping for the best. So that's how we used to do it in the next country, hoping for the best. So that's how we used to do it in the Army. If you'd go out and there wasn't facilities and you had to go to the field for long periods of time, you'd just stock up on peanut butter and cheese and then you'd have to worry about it for a while. That's great. Maybe I'd just get a butt plug.

Yeah. Just get you a basket of water balloons. Just throw them at your own ass. You just gave away that good butt plug as well. The good one? Not the good one. I still have the good one. I meant the one that Floyd got you.

I'm not following the inside joke. The one we took to L.A. or you took to L.A.? There's a butt plug with... Someone gave me a butt plug with Mother's picture on the back of it, on the stopper. Yeah. No, I think you're talking about the electrified one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, the 1917 Elmer Niederhaus butt plug. The medical device. Yeah. From 1917. It was this antique thing Floyd found at some estate sale. And it was for prostate. It was a questionable medical device where you shoved it in your ass and it plugged it into a wall.

A cord came out, a 110 cord. Yeah. It had a light bulb on it so you'd know it in your ass and it plugged it into a wall. A cord came out, a 110 cord. Yeah. It had a light bulb on it so you'd know it was working, I guess. But it was for better prostate health. So yeah, I re-gifted that. I can't imagine the degree of confidence you'd have to have in technology to put something in your butt plug. 110 will kill you.

And then into a wall socket. Sometimes that's the only way you can come you'd have to be having some severe prostate problems to be like all right i'm gonna try this you can get kenny to do it on a dare bet you 20 bucks he won't plug this into the wall and stick it up your ass what is it we'll tell you after so yeah and then that'll be asia and you'll have there'll be 10 days or 12 days of like oh thank fuck that's over and then it's on to australia japan is the one that i i know what tokyo is like as far as just the traffic like you drive You drive through the city for two hours, and it still seems like the center of a major metropolitan city. It's like fucking 80 Manhattans in a fucking row,

and you're like, we're still in the heart? Yeah, it goes on and on. That's where like six streets dump into one intersection, and when you're allowed to cross, everyone's just crossing everywhere its way. I figured you'd go there because of the get some good sushi or something. Oh, yeah. Once I'm in, it's the traffic getting in and out. It's like New York.

Can you guys carry a GoPro with you maybe when you go do that? I think you have to in Japan. I watch a lot of these videos, and they're funny, where there's people on bicycles trying to turn this way, and then the giant truck comes this way and tries to avoid the guy who cut him off, and then he falls over on top of the guy on the bicycle. Those are hilarious. So maybe you guys could have some good footage. Are we going to be tall over there?

Yeah, well, we'll certainly be normal, shall we say. They've been using a lot of milk products more recently, so they've probably got bigger i've heard that uh that the reason that the highest rates of smoking and the lowest rates of lung cancer in asia are because they don't use they don't use dairy dairy is not a staple of their diet and that was a theory floated about why they smoke like chimneys. Ah, fuck, that's another question. Is how many of those places can you still smoke in a bar? Well, probably quite a few.

What about Japan's going to have kiboshed that by now? I think Japan will have kiboshed it. But the Japanese still smoke a lot. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You think that they're that westernized that they're going to stand 25 meters from the door? Yeah, little tiny robotic vending caskets that you can lay down. It brings you in. You can smoke in a phone booth, and then it pushes you out in seven minutes.

Arigato. Arigato. It includes the cigarette smoke. You don't even have to have a cigarette. You just close it in. Robotic arm comes and puts a cigarette in your mouth and lights it. They do have a lot of vending machines over there. You might enjoy that.

But he's been there before. To Tokyo? Well, not proper. I mean, I played Japan and Korea in 94, but we never left the military bases. We were just playing for GIs, and we never left the military bases. We were just playing for GIs. We didn't have any money. We went out into wherever in Japan and went to a McDonald's

back when you're really amused to see a McDonald's with characters instead of... And it was nine bucks for a fucking Big Mac. Fuck this. That was Okinawa? We were Okinawa, Masawa, Zama. You're making those up.

He's making those places up. I don't believe any of those are real places. Masawa and Zama. I don't know. Jumbawa. Umawa. Umawa. And Okinawa.

Umawa. But, yeah, I saw nothing. I did go out a little bit in Korea just because it was really cheap. Japan, that was at the height of them buying up the entire United States and all that, so everything was expensive. I'm sure it still is.

Yeah. Well, yes and no. Where you're going to be, it's probably going to be expensive. No, sure it still is. Yeah. Well, yes and no. Where you're going to be, it's probably going to be expensive. No, it's particularly expensive with the dollar where it is just now. But hopefully that'll change. I'm going to get so fucking confused. Day after

day going to different countries figuring out, should I buy duty-free? Is it going to be cheaper there? That would be a great drunk move is to just panic and buy a fucking $80 plastic jug bottle of fucking vodka in Japan and bring it to Thailand

where it's like a nickel a fucking shot. I would only be looking to buy it going into Japan. Yeah, and that's our last stop. Yeah. Cigarettes, even if I do quit. Well, what about Bangkok? Is it cheap in Bangkok?

My hunch says yes. Yeah, I've had a lot of people contact me about Bangkok. Hey, if you want to go out, I'll give you the tour. I'll show you this and that. And they always say liquor is fucking cheap. Well, then I don't need you. No one from Japan has said, hey, I'll buy all the drinks you want. I could taste Blue Apron on that.

Sometimes a puke belch is the best belch when it's brought to you by BlueApron.com. How do you? Mmm, enchiladas. Why would you say that was a puke belch? There's no puke came out. You swallowed it. You didn't see it? No, puke doesn't come out of your mouth on a puke belch.

It rises in the back of your throat and reminds you of fantastic memories of Blue Apron. I just belched up black bean enchiladas. Spicy black bean enchiladas. Couldn't even use all the spice in that one. As though Blue Apron wasn't affordable enough, I try to stretch it into two or three meals by belching up mimosa belches with yesterday's Blue Apron still in them.

That's a great name for a band, the Mimosa Belches. Well, don't keep all those great Blue Apron belches to yourself, Doug. Share with the rest of us. Blue Apron is treating Doug Stano podcast listeners like shit. Like fodder like sheep. Uh-oh. Oh, that's Blue Apron now. They're pissed.

You'll be cutting that out. Hi, Bingo. Hello? I've locked myself out of my brain. Hello. Hi. Hey, what's for dinner tonight, honey? Pancakes and scrambled eggs.

How about something different? How about we try blueapron.com? Okay, I'm on the podcast, aren't I? Well, not any part you won't get cut out of. Blue Apron is the most amazing thing I've ever eaten in my whole life. Except I've never tried it, but I think it's great. Well, this is the best time in the world to try Blue Apron, because coming up is spicy chicken and stir-fried vegetables with jasmine rice,

or soy-glazed Korean rice cakes with broccoli and soft-boiled eggs. Hey, that's racist. What is? Korean? I said soft. Soft Korean. There's also veggie options. That's what Tracy and I get.

Creamy fusilli buccati pasta. Ooh, buccati pasta. With fried rosemary and walnuts. Those are all coming up next week. Chaley made Blue Apron last night for the whole crew here when we were recording our audio book for the audio version of the audible version of This Is Not Fame, and you made, what did you make? Enchiladas.

Spicy black bean enchiladas. I went back three times for spicy black bean enchiladas. They were good. Those were good. And you can put as much of the creme fraiche in as you want, or you can leave it out completely. I mean, that's because we go less dairy. I was wondering how much creme fraiche you had in that enchiladas.

I saw it when you went back for the third time. That's really what you were trying to do. I was trying to put my finger on what it was. Well, it's real easy. You just look at the card that they give you, and they even put pictures in, Chad. They do. They make it simple.

They bring it right to your door. Like a paper boy, they'll throw it right through your front window. No! Blue Apron. Blue Apron offers three plans. The two-person meal plan. What is that? It's two to three recipes.

Wait, no, that's wrong. You think you know the fact. You go from the top anyway. You said Blue Apron. I did. Blue Apron offers three meal plans, Doug. The two-person meal plan. The family meal plan.

That's what Chase and I get. That's three meals a week for two. And they also have the wine plan. We talked about that a couple months ago. Yeah, but where's the sad old spinster eating alone plan? That's what I want from Blue Apron. I'm just going to sit here and eat by myself. That's everyone that doesn't have Blue Apron.

I'll just get the two-person plan and go, I'm going to eat yours since you didn't show up. Fine. I'll just put it back in the oven. Blue Apron is treating the Doug Stanhope podcast listeners to $30 off your first order if you visit blueapron.com slash Stanhope.

So check out this week's menu and get your $30 off at blueapron.com slash Stanhope. That's really annoying. Let's stop doing that in general. Blue Apron, a better way to cook.

My bookie. Yeah, I wish Kenny was here. Why? Because Kenny's the one I'm going to be betting with. Oh. But my team's in. Tracy and I in the, in the football pool. Uh,

we've got the, the Eagles. So I'm definitely betting on the Eagles. I'm betting with my bookie dot a G my bookie. Do you guys bet online or do you still have some, uh, crony who's going to smash your nose flat? Like Artie Lang,

some fucking Portuguese Goomba down at the fucking meat shop. to smash your nose flat like Artie Lang. Some fucking Portuguese Goomba down at the fucking meat shop. Is that where you're still betting with that guy? It's not only antiquated, it's dangerous. It's very dangerous. My bookie, you'll never lose your thumbs. Hey, this is the thing that I always like about Super Bowl props bets, the exotics.

Those are the ones we go for. Yeah, you can bet on it. I've had three bets on a coin flip, whether it's heads or tails. Three bets on the coin flip. Wait. Heads or tails, who's going to win, and whether they elect to kick off or receive. Oh, I thought you bet either heads, and then another bet or tails, who's going to win and whether they elect to kick off or receive? Oh, I thought you bet either heads and then another bet was tails. And the other one was the coin never lands.

Right on the edge. Either on the edge or the coin never lands. Yeah, that's like an 11 to 1. That was the year that David Copperfield was flipping the coin. I have won on proposition bets. When you go to mybookie.ag, look at the amount of proposition bets that you can make. I've done props in the past. One year, this is before mybookie.ag.

This is when I was some other fly-by-night piece of shit that went under. Mybookie.ag, I promote because they fucking pay. bookie.ag i promote because they fucking pay i i want because they do the uh the the uh the usa today always has the the top rated commercials if you're one of those fucking assholes who watches the super bowl just for the commercials still even though they've sucked for like 20 years there was one year they had a bunch of funny ones, and after that started the... I think that started that, right? Yeah. But they always rate them,

so there was a proposition bet for what commercial would be the best rated, and since neighbor Dave worked for Frito-Lay, I went with Frito-Lay, and they won the... I've won the color of Gatorade dumped over the coach's head. The winning coach's head.

Yeah, that's actually a bet. You can log on now and check out all the prop bets and get in the action because that is exactly how we keep it alive here. Because if we weren't betting, we wouldn't fucking watch.

Oh, this Super Bowl fucking stinks. You're gonna have to bet on this Super Bowl to watch it. Stay involved. Philly against. All right. I'm from New England, and I'm too bored with the fucking Patriots being fucking Super Bowl.

But last I looked, the line was five and a half. I'm taking the dog with the points because the Patriots, every Super Bowl, it seems like they win by three. Last year got lucky on that overtime touchdown. That was crazy. Six. But I think, yeah, it's going to be Patriots by three. So take Eagles with the points. That's what I'm telling you. Or just bet on nonsense, like the consistency of shit that the winning quarterback makes in his pants

when he can't believe he's going to fucking Disneyland. You'll have to look for that one. Hey, Doug, this is new. They even have in-game live betting, so we can actually place bets after kickoff. Yeah, when you're panicking, I shouldn't have done that. Hey, let me double down on the second half. It's called a Kenny bet. Yeah.

Cold cut Kenny. It's called throwing good money after good when you bet with mybookie.ag. Hey, mybookie.ag. You win, they pay without any hassles. Join now and score free cash to place your Super Bowl wager on the house. Right now, mybookie.ag is giving away up to $1,000 to every new player. Sign up today and score an instant 50% bonus on your first deposit. That's right. If you join with $100, you'll get $150 bankroll to play with. That's what a 50% bonus is.

Wait, 50%? If I give $100, I only get $50? No, it's a 50% bonus. See, you get 50%. Just trust me. I like that you had to even explain it more than what they detailed. Play, win, and get paid. I'm betting with mybookie.ag.

Use promo code Stanhope to activate the offer. Hey, we're back. Yeah, the number of times I have to explain to people what a bad tourist you are, because that's always part of the sales pitches. We know everyone. We can go here. We can go here. We can go there.

We can, it's like, Doug really probably wouldn't want to do that. The interviews I've done with all the, for all the Asian tour, I've used that reference. Listen, I'm like Carl Pilkington, the idiot abroad. I don't want to see shit.

I don't want to see a temple. Like the fucking last one Night in Bangkok song. Yeah, I'll be looking at all the dumb shit. I will ignore the fucking temples. There's some lyric that goes along with that. Yeah, so you can keep your bars and your temples, your massage parlors. That song mocks tourists, though. Yeah.

Yes, it does. Yeah. And I'm that tourist. I don't want to see your 13-year-old hookers either. Yeah. A ladyboy. If there were, like, ladyboys kickboxing, I'd watch that. And I'm sure that happens.

I think you just invented it. No, no. There was a big famous one that was uh yeah kickboxing ladyboys yeah well a one that they allowed into the sport i listened to that podcast kickboxing ladyboys that would suck you walk in to see kickbox kickboxing ladyboys on the marquee, but that's the name of an American cover band doing Mustang Sally and shit. Finally, I thought I was going to go examine the culture.

I have no idea what... How are you going to be with the food? I have no idea what... How are you going to be with the food? Well, probably like everywhere else we go that I don't eat the food. There's a Subway. Yeah, there's a McDonald's or a Subway. And he's bringing his cheese. The Japanese McDonald's are pretty good.

They also have great Japan-only products. I really am bringing toilet paper. Like I brought socks on that uh seven week uk tour and threw a pair away every day i think i'm gonna bring a lot of toilet paper what if you just bring the socks and what if you can't flush it just bring double socks and wear two pair of socks then you don't have to look like a weirdo walking in with toilet paper it's i don't know how you guys shit but uh yeah, I'm not a two sock man. I'm like a five sock man on a fucking good day.

Save it up. Save it up. Yeah. I wipe a lot of ass because I have a drunkard shit with a poor diet. You need a bidet, dude. No, Erickson's are very big on the bidet thing. A lot of people are. I want one if only to diffuse the amount of shit that sprays all over.

I'll push it while I shit, so like a mid-air collision. Oh, like when a battle bot, when a dump truck offs its load of gravel, they got a guy spraying water to keep the dust down. My new giant toilet's not helping me out a lot. Still having a lot of problems. That's why when you say five socks, I'm messy as fuck. Two socks would work for me. Wait, tube socks or ankle socks?

Well, I have bigger feet than Doug, too. I didn't think about that. Couldn't you get the chickens in on this? I might wax my ass crack for this so it would be a smoother wipe. There you go. You could probably get that done in Ho Chi Minh City real cheap. Before or after I shit. I know a ladyboy.

Wait, this is only $4? Who needs to wipe? Do it twice. Be back tomorrow. Psyllium husk. That's what I need to bring. Psyllium husk is the key to the no wiper. And satisfying.

Wait, your flight's over there. Can't you smoke on your flights going to Asia? Oh, no. But if I had like Junior Stopka as an opening act, I'd tell him that. Oh, by the way, I inquired of a... There is no smoking airline left in the world. No, but I inquired of a flight attendant. Like, you know, why do

you still have that? And she says... Still have what? The smoking. And she says it's incredibly important on the Asian roots. Oh, the no smoking announcement. Yeah, because you talked about in a previous podcast about how they've

kind of dropped that off, but then added the Stanhope rule. Yeah, they've added the no drinking your own alcohol. Yeah, right. Well, I just assume that some airlines in Asia, like maybe a state airline or something that never leaves Asia. No, I've Googled it. Just to be able to do it? Airlines where you can still smoke. There's no such thing. Wow.

But there are still people who think they can, though. And there might be airlines where they turn a blind eye. Yeah, we have to say that, but go ahead. Russia. We don't really have any kind of oversight from the government. We have to say it. That's supposed to be the one advantage of being on an airplane that's going down. You can finally get... Oh yeah, I guess so, right?

Just get the cigarette. Yeah. There's bigger problems coming up. I really don't need to smoke on an airplane. Once I know I can't smoke, it goes away. Like here, in the funhouse,

that's why that whole audio book I was one after another because I can and it's a somewhat nervous kind of situation. So here I will smoke one after another if I'm at a bar you can't smoke I have to go outside especially if it's

fucking cold. Yeah I smoke a lot less. If I have to go down 16 floors from a hotel room, I smoke a lot less. I get to an airport, I know I can't smoke. On an airplane and plus on an airplane. I was going to say. I'm drugged up and liquored up. I remember when we went to Amsterdam that one time. We were in first class.

I did that more for the funny. It was funny, but I do remember, even I passed out because I had my cool sport, that gold sport jacket. Oh, yes. I woke up. My entire glass of red wine was gone because it had spilled all over my jacket. And I had this old – I love that jacket. And I go, oh, and the flight attendant comes over. She's like, let me help you.

I'll get it. I'll get it. But I'm still kind of groggy because we were wasted. And I go into the first class bathroom, which is a little roomier. But I washed that entire sport coat in that little round sink. And then that smell of a grandma's attic because it had never been cleaned since I got it from the thrift store. And she hung it up in the thing, and it was mostly dry by the time we got to where we were going. But we were completely out.

Nothing's ever really completely dry in Europe. Everything's damp. They're damp people in a damp land. Didn't you have the patch on your? Yeah, no. On that same flight, that's when I had shaved out the top of my head into a fryer tuck.

Yeah. Just the top, and then I put a nicotine patch on my neck. I still have a picture of that. It's very off-putting. In first class. With the suits. Yeah.

I can't believe we flew first class back then. Were they paying for it? I don't know. That was the unbookables at the festival. Music festival. Lowlands Festival. I don't remember that being a first class thing. We flew first class one leg. Must have. I missed my flight. I had to fucking drive

from Phoenix to Tucson airport. You mean Tucson to Phoenix? Did we fly out of Phoenix? You wouldn't have driven... No, because the flight was supposed to go from Vegas to Tucson, and I had missed it because the fucking... The flights were so far apart,

and Vegas isn't a fucking 24-hour airport. I flew in. They got me into Phoenix, and then I had to drive from Phoenix to Tucson to catch the flight that you were going to be on. Vegas isn't a 24-hour airport? At 10 o'clock at night, there were no more flights going to Phoenix. Oh, I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

That's an odd way to put it. Well, it's 24, I mean, yeah, you can gamble there all night, but the fucking flights shut down. Right. There was nothing going out of there. To Phoenix, maybe, but I don't know. No, I could get to phoenix i couldn't get to tucson yeah it's crazy brian what are you looking forward to on this tour because you

used to live in a lot of these places well are you going to go back to that hostel and see if those people are still in the tribunks i wouldn't mind having a peek uh the um well i could i could be a symbol for them i could say look you two can make it I wouldn't mind having a peek. Well, I could be a symbol for them. I could say, look, you two can make it. I was once one of you. What about the other seven? You'll have to get naked so they remember who you are.

Oh, and they'll remember. No ring a bell. No ring a bell. So, Tokyo, obviously. Are you going to take me around to a bunch of shit I don't want to do? No! I might not wake you up and then sneak out. What do you want to do in Tokyo?

What's the one thing? I find Tokyo just being exhilarating. Are you going to try to do time on stage? What? What are you talking about? In Tokyo? Well, no. In places they'll never see you fail.

Oh, no, definitely not. All right. Sometimes you get a wild hair. Oh, yeah, I know. I think I'll try something. And you'll go up with your little notepad and you'll berate the audience, make them cold fish and then bring me out. Yeah. Uh-huh. It works very well. How's your your japanese i might save that for australia how's your japanese well that's what

i'm apprehensive about it's clearly not it's that thing about when you can't remember a word and your mouth opens and nothing comes out yeah so maybe we should go to sushi tomorrow before we leave and you could uh work it out down there in Sierra Vista on a sushi. That's right. I'm sure that's all it's going to take. A couple of fucking Magaru sushi rolls. Does the Nicaraguan sushi chef speak Japanese? I remember one time I was just telling Bruce from Audible this, that because Hennigan does speak fairly well,

or I used to say fluent until now, Japanese, and we'd always goad you when we went to sushi to talk some shit because they're always amazed that some round eye can talk their fucking mother tongue. You just gave me that's racist look. That's us. We're round eyes no i understand that i was just trying to think of is that is that the way hennigan refers to is that a local round eye hey i'm round bottom bunk uh and one time you went in and i got you to talk in japanese

and you fucking went blabbering on and they stared at you like you had ten heads and then you realized they're Korean. Yeah, you realize. I mean, you can tell pretty quickly. You could that night. Yeah. Yeah, Tokyo's the, you know,

it's just a fantastic place. Alright, but there's nothing specific. You don't want to go down to fucking Dong's fucking... I want to go to Akihabara, the place where all the electronics are. The electronic stuff you can only buy in Japan. Is it what they call grey market stuff? No, it's the stuff, product that's only sold in Japan because it's wacky. Or you plug it

in the wall and shove it up your ass yeah like all that sort of stuff and then obviously i'd love to go around and look at well like shibuya and shinjuku they're fucking new areas that i've never even heard of that are you know famous for something uh yeah so famous for to is a fucking universe of joy in Vietnam I want to teach him that it's pronounced foe and I'm not going to say it any other way uh-huh I like that you're talking about this noodle

soup yeah foe foe fee foe guess you win. Thank you. Finally. All right.

We'll see you in Asia. Then you're going to Australia and New Zealand. Australia. We come home for 10 days. Oh, you're coming home? Yeah. I thought you were just going to fill dates. We're coming home for 10 days, but six of those are in the air.

We actually have to turn around midair and start going the other way at some point. Yeah, then Australia fairly quickly. New Zealand. And then it'll be Canada. Canada. And then I saw there's one date on there. I mean, check the mailing list. If you're on the mailing list, you're getting these.

And if you go to DougStanhope.com, the road dates will be updated constantly because Hennigan's adding dates. But then you've got a UK date. I saw June. Yeah, there's going to be a UK tour. Yeah. Are we going to do a sneaky, like, one-off gig in Cambodia and never admit that we were really in Cambodia?

Oh, that's funny. That's a very clever joke. I like that. Hear that one soul laugh? That's what you're going to hear in a lot of these gigs and H-Show while I'm dying on my ass. You hope. I hope.

One outburst? They might go to jail for that. We're just reading that chapter in the audio book, the one time Hennigan ever actually had to go on stage and pull me off the stage because I was just tanked and throwing it in the toilet and I wasn't going to stop. Yeah, this might be a whole tour of that. At the Lakeshore Theater, I remember we did a bookable show,

and I recorded that, and at one point, it got so crazy, Brendan Walsh came up and said, Shayla, you got to stop this. Brendan Walsh. Brendan Walsh is usually the one running to the stage with a burning flag

to start the show. He's like, what are you going to do? You got to stop this. There was a flag involved And you had half the – There was a flag involved in your – Well, Andy had thrown the American flag. He came out draped on him, and then he threw it in a – where did he get a pail?

He got a pail – No, not like a full-size industrial garbage pail round. I remember sitting in – No, there was a pail, like a mop bucket pail that you guys were using as an ashtray because you invited everyone up. Norm Wilkinson was doing this set from the front row. You brought everyone up to come smoke on stage. And then the show just kept going.

And he pissed on the flag in the bucket. And a trash can came out. And you sat in it. But then you sat in it to where, like, your head was sticking out and then your arms and legs. And you couldn't move, but you could still could yeah my ass is all the way buried down and my my legs you know my calves are sticking over the top and my head sticking out the top and finally i just went like kind of snuck up behind you grabbed the handle and just slid you back through the curtain and you're just waiting it was like such an over-the-top abortion of a show.

I don't think I could ever top even that one in Scotland in Inverness. Wasn't anywhere close to this bad of a fucked up. The Unbookables in Amsterdam was pretty bad. That was bad, but we weren't throwing it in the

toilet bad. This one, we were basically trashing the club. It was the second show that night. It was probably it in the toilet bad this one we were like it was the second show it was the second show that night and it was probably two in the morning it had probably gone on for three hours and it's just us we won't kill it ritter the book oh yeah he's a fucking a complete rummy so he's fucked up he doesn't care it's hilarious to him that one comic was asleep the whole time in the back. Oh, yeah. You woke him to do Petrovka.

Yeah. You woke him to do his set. He went right back and fell asleep. And then he came back out and did the other set. Brian Petrovka from the comedy store? No, that's Holtzman. Oh, sorry. I almost said Holtzman.

Yeah. No, this is Petrovka. That weird guy we brought to the desert that pissed everyone off. He looked like he was laying tile all day, and then he came to do that and slept basically in the green room. And we got there, and Ritter was buying us Jaeger shots at like 4 in the afternoon. So, I mean, yeah, I was doomed from the start.

I think we might be confusing several shows at the Lakeshore Theater because a lot of them went south but the one with the pissing on the flag and the trash cans not a lot of people left because it was that over the top the same way you wouldn't leave a fist fight.

Somebody's going to go to jail. Well, we got into norm wilkerson's hotel room and then you shit your pants in the morning so that yeah yeah that's a lot of different times at the lake shore no that was all that night really that was the only time that wilkerson was there because andy was there because he left early yeah it was that was a fucking crazy night dude yeah man and it started early if your life flashes before your eyes when you die i'm gonna be filming all right see in asia see in bangkok see in ho chi minh get on the mailing list yeah and fill

in your details correctly if you put if all you do is put in your name and your email address that means we don't know where you live and that means if we're targeting you because we don't want to bombard everyone the fucking mailing list called geo targeting yeah with like hey we're doing one gig in fucking hobart tasmania we don't we don't want to be emailing you in shrewsbury you know letting you know about this unless you're a relative we are playing Tasmania I'm looking forward to that oh that's cool just because it sounds like a funny place to be hey I'm in Tasmania right now most people don't even know what hemisphere that's in much less I didn't even know that it was part of Australia. Yes, indeed.

Yeah. Well, I find new stuff out. And was the site of the biggest mass killing until Norway stole the pennant. That's right. I remember that going down well in the last year of Australia. You had a bit about that.

I had a great bit about that what do you mean that went down fucking I know we never done it in Tasmania Hobart yeah all right okay that's it pitch it to Murray Head Murray Head

one night in Bangkok oh hey one night in Bangkok if they sue us for the fucking using their song without exclusive rights, then I'll never mention that song that you'd never remember without me.

Bangkok, oriental city, but the city don't know what the city is getting. The creme de la creme of the chess world in a show with everything. But you'll bring her. Time flies, doesn't seem a minute Since the Tyrolean spa had the chess boys in it All changed, don't you know that when you play at this level There's no ordinary venue

It's Iceland, or the Philippines, or Hastings Or, or this place One night in Bangkok in the world's your first time The bars are temples but they're both safe and free You'll find a god in every golden question And if you're lucky then the gods are sheep I can feel an angel sliding up to me One town's very like another

When your head's down over your pieces, brother It's a drag, it's boring It's sweet, it's saturated We've been looking at the bar Not looking at the city What do you mean? You see one crowded, polluted, thinking town When your town's warm and sweet

Summer's set up Make the summer set, mom's sweet Get tired, you're talking to a tourist Who's every move's among the purest I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble Not much between despair and ecstasy One night in Bangkok and the tough guys stumble Can't can be careful with your company.

I can feel the devil the witness to the ultimate test of cerebral fitness. This grips me more than would a muddy old river or reclining Buddha. Thank God I'm only watching the game, controlling it. I don't see you guys rating the kind of mate I'm contemplating. I'd let you watch, I would invite you, but the queens we use would not excite you. So you better go back to your bars, your temples, your massage parlors.

One night in Bangkok In the world's young oyster The bars are temples But the pools ain't free You'll find a god In every golden oyster A little special A little history I can feel an angel

Sliding up to me One night in Bangkok makes a hard man fumble Not much between despair and ecstasy One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble Can't be too careful with your company I can feel the devil walking next to me