The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #260: What Happened in Ottawa & Franck Stories

Episode Date: May 23, 2018

Doug gets the rest of the story about the Ottawa show. Also, Franck and Kara fill in some details about past Canada incidents.Recorded May 15th, 2018 at the Days Inn in Ottawa, CA with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Franck, Kara and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by Squarespace.com - Go to Squarespace.com/stanhope for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code STANHOPE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.Go to http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/ for tickets to all upcoming 2018 shows in the UK / Ireland / Netherlands and North America. LINKS:Chad Shank Voice Over info at www.AudioShank.comSupport the Innocence Project - www.innocenceproject.orgClosing song “Until The Sun Comes" by Sunday At The Ward. Available at https://sundayattheward.bandcamp.com/.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Is it rolling? It's rolling. Rolling, rolling, rolling. Ottawa. Ottawa is a Native American... I guess it would be Native American. Should we bring the booth closer to make refills? You're on the booth side. Just shut up and fucking talk. We're with Frank and Cara.

First off, the Audible release of This Is Not Fame is now available at audible.com. With all the bells and whistles. All the, yeah. Our Audible books are a mixture of the book and podcasting where we get people who are there for the stories, correcting, adding to the stories. Wait, no, no. You did this the first book my favorite part was where patricia was on and she goes no you didn't come on my back that is trying to make it a little bit fucking a little anonymous wait don't we call her that into the whole podcast? I don't know.

Get the book. Actually, get the coloring book. It's really good. The point is, yeah, there's a lot of extras that make that. You can read the book and listen to the Audible version, and they're two different experiences. It's enough. All right, yeah, that's on audible.com. Now let's start the podcast.

Yeah, we already did. Jesus. I was the most sober that I've been. And only to prepare for this. Why? No, tonight I almost went, I'm not going to drink at all. I felt confident enough. But then I went, I'd rather drink. I think I need to go back to the other.

Because your mic is way stronger. Yeah. It's just because I'm sweating here. So keep that thought. I'm just going to make a quick equipment change. All right. And we're back. Why don't you have my asshole mic'd up?

This is the worst podcast ever. It can be done. I got a lavalier. I just need something to hang it on. Oh, yeah. Do you have a hemorrhoid I can clip it to? Oh, my God. We'll get to that. I've got something you can hang it on oh yeah if i have a hemorrhoid oh my god we'll get to that i've got something you can hang it on we'll get to that we'll get to frank's asshole

rings all right i don't want to tell okay he just keeps bringing it up i keep blacking it out there's so many things we could this is the second night of the tour it's so many things we could talk about um i think I think we should start Kerry you tell me if you think this is right or not I think we should start with Doug's version of what happened when he had to intervene with throwing someone out

from the audience because he doesn't know what we and the staff were dealing with and he doesn't know what happened and the staff were dealing with and he doesn't know what happened after but i want to hear what what how did you know there was an issue in the in the audience you hear a kerfuffle in the back of a it's a small theater holds what 300 400 380 she was specific when she gave us a tour so there's a kerfuffle in the back it's there's someone heckling from the beginning heckling the opener tavis and he got a name he made the guy a presence and i went shut the

fuck up and i assume it's the same guy that kept talking and i i shouted him down but further back i don't know halfway through the set there's a problem and then i see a shadow of a guy and his girlfriend fuck you you fucking won't get off your fucking phone and fuck you and i said oh interesting i said uh i'm gonna side with the fuck you guy is the right guy in this i don't know what's going on i'm gonna side with the guy who's yelling fuck you and leaving is probably the guy that's right and the guy that he's talking about is the dildo and i think it's even further back, because, again, in a theater, at best, you can see silhouettes. We did it.

The tech asked, how much do you want it lit? And I said, softly lit back. But it was dark. And it usually is in a theater. But at the same time, you could not pinpoint what was going on. You were looking for a ghosted face looking at a a screen or someone standing up maybe well when i said that the kid said something about the fucking guy's been on the phone fucking talking the whole time i go are you really and then they

brought the back house lights up and i'm looking for someone way beyond. And I'm like, who has the phone? And the two people that were about to leave, because the couple kids, I said, there's two seats up front. Just come down here. There's two seats up front. And then I go, where's the guy? And everyone pointed out this guy that was sitting there like a fucking shrub closer than what I thought. The guy with a spinal disease that was answering a text, didn't know his phone was on, was who they kicked out. He had nothing to do with anything.

Mike, I know you're listening right now. I'm breaking it down. I'm breaking it down to stand up right now. So I stop the show. I go, I'm not saying anything. Get the fuck out. Throw yourself out. You know when he was not getting up? Because I was backstage at that time trying to find out what the real problem was. You were addressing a totally separate situation i asked the audience and they all stood up and pointed at this fucking guy that

was several rows closer witnesses are so unreliable that guy was like one of your biggest fans and he only got up because he was crying and so upset yeah and i felt like a dick because the staff like i wasn't sure what was going on but the staff offered to sit him in the back give him a chair like make sure that after the fact yeah make sure that no one would like point out that he was there so he could walk but then i kind of snapped we put a bag over his head so no one would know it was him but but i i wanted him to go in and he didn't seem too sure. So I was kind of a dick in how I told him, like, just fucking go. He was tarred and feathered and trying to go back to the hanging.

You know, it's like, no, you can't go in there. What happened was before all of that happened with you on stage, a gal came out and went right to Kara and said, there's a guy who is touching me in there. And I get up and I move and he follows me. And then we put the staff on it. Fast forward to me going down on stage and you singling the guy out. That's what – it was telephone, dude. No one knew what the It was telephone, dude. No one knew

what the fuck was going on. Two things... The guy I brought to the front that was the dick? No, no. I don't know about that. We don't really know about that. The guy that got kicked out...

The guy that got kicked out was the guy that the staff... We were looking for someone else, but it got relayed to you that he was the problem, and that wasn't it. We were looking for a Me Too guy who was touching someone, but then that Mike with the disease got thrown out because everyone else pointed at him because he had the lit screen. But now everyone thinks he's the asshole who was touching the girl.

So that's why everyone staff picked up. I never brought up anyone touching a girl. I know, but the staff was. The kid that was yelling, fuck you, you won't get off your phone. Well, that was what was happening. That's your number one fan tonight. Oh, Jesus.

So he was getting yelled at because he has a spinal... Do you have a phone number or something? No, no. When he got kicked out and I came back up and Kara's like, they kicked him out. He tried to sit in back and he still got shit. So he's like, he's upset leaving and his friends leaving and they go downstairs. I ran down, brought him back up, gave him everything at the merch booth, signed a Bible,

gave it to him and I said, this is your free admission to the next time we're anywhere where you are. You can get in for free. And I said, this is your free admission to the next time where anywhere where you are, you can get in for free. And I said, and Doug will sign your Bible. And I signed a poster. I go, Doug will sign this and next time just come out. And he's weeping and I'm now starting to get upset. But I'm going like, dude, this is not the way this should go.

And I tried to explain. It's like you just – you got caught up in something. And he goes, I just can't stay here any longer. And I felt so bad. I go, I go, be honest. I'm gonna be honest with you, dude. Doug will be upset when he hears about this because that's not that's not what's going on. Wow.

This queers the rest of this podcast, doesn't it? We're going to talk about some fun old times. We should have led with the other stuff, maybe. No, no. No, no. We had to lead with this. This makes us drink more. But we were both like, even like 20 minutes. Now I think that the guys that I was originally pointing out were probably the guys that I was going,

oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was those fucking assholes, that it probably was those fucking assholes. They jumped. I was there. They jumped to their feet pretty quick. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's this guy. fucking assholes that it probably was those fucking assholes they pretty they jumped i was there they jumped to their feet pretty quick yeah yeah yeah it's this guy yeah no no this was rose back oh that was where the guy was the creepy guy the creepy guy who probably enjoyed your entire show and you probably signed a post but yeah even 20 minutes later we were like man we feel so bad for that guy he was like fucking really upset. And we just kept going like, I'm going to have nightmares. God, now I feel bad for closing strong because that fucking spinal disease guy missed it.

Well, he'll catch it the next time. I should have Montrealed it and closed without remembering. How does this joke go? Out of respect for the spinal disease guy. He wasn't in a wheelchair or anything, was he? I don't even know where spinal disease came from. There's a lot to bring up when you're going, hey, put your phone away. I have a spinal disease.

No, I think maybe it was like the text had something to do with it was pertaining to his medical issues. Whether he had a spinal disease or not. It's all suspect now. You would leave your phone on for that, right? Well, that's why I was kind of being a dick because I thought he was the guy who was being dragged out for touching the girl and no one was actually throwing him out.

I haven't heard about the touching the girl. She came to the merch booth twice saying, like, he's still here. He's following me. Yeah, and no one ever found him. She was pretty quiet after you meet too, Ben. This staff usually has 80-year-old people. I said that where I said, hey, I know this place is doing Sherlock Holmes, which is on the marquee today while I'm playing there.

No, Sherlock Holmes is on the marquee. I had to ask him to bring a curtain down over the Sherlock Holmes set so it wouldn't be distracting to the fucking audience. Turns out the audience was distracted to the audience. And then I said that when i go all right i'm fucking throwing you out you fucking fuck not you not you mike it's not your spine cancer spina bifida guy evidently i threw out and i said all right listen i don't care you know what they don't have security here because they usually put on Sherlock Holmes plays. So there's no one.

But I can get bouncers out of the fucking audience to throw you the fuck out. Yep. And it was a wrong guy. Oops. You know what? You were pretty far off yesterday, too, trying to throw someone out in Montreal. You were yelling at the balcony and the guy was on the ground floor heckler lives matter like i all right i

understand now i understand why a cop can fucking bam bam bam he shoots he's fucking yeah he's road weary i i get this two sides to the story I'm the fucking bad cop that should be prosecuted. Or the cop on the take. No, I wasn't a cop on a take. Jesus. You got paid. Hey, can I put in the heckler clip from Montreal right here? Yeah, what was that?

That was when you were yelling at the balcony as they were already dragging the guy out from the back row on the ground floor. Sure. Shut the fuck up. Just hurl that guy into you fucking Nancys that just sit in the dark seats. No one up here talks shit. You fucking think, oh, I can sit in the back and just fucking yell out shit. You don't annoy me because I'm dull to the pain.

But you're annoying everyone around you. And I just wish you'd shut the fuck up because no one's. If you were creating that response up there and everyone up there was every time you were creating that response up there, and everyone up there was every time, if you were getting rounds of applause from the balcony people, I would just shut the fuck up, and I'd have them turn the spotlight on you, but you stink, and you're a fucking zero.

You say nothing repeatedly. Fuck youda-da-da-da-da-da. Fuck you. Next time you get thrown out. I don't know why my fans don't just know when to throw themselves out. I know when to fucking stop talking. I know when I've hit my, oh, Jesus. All right. I better speed this fucking show up.

Where were we? Where were we before that guy ruined everything? That's why I like fucking 100 Seater. I can see everyone in the room. You play a fucking theater, even if it's the little theater, you can see the first two rows and everything else. You're just fucking, you're a rogue cop. I thought it was a cell phone.

I thought it was a gun. Oh, Jesus, that's a fucking bit I wrote. I've got to find that. All right. Noted. Anyway, there were a number of people here at the Ottawa show tonight, at the Little Theater, that loved the fact that you were in this venue because the last two times we were at the Babylon, and it was just too fucking hot.

And you stopped the set early last time because three people were about to pass out in the front row. Yeah, we've had a few of those. Plenty of those. the set early last time because three people were about to pass out in the front row. It was... Yeah, we've had a few of those. Plenty of those. Just like the UK, problem is, it's always fucking cold.

So when it gets hot, there's no air conditioning and these fucking cement sweat boxes just get overwhelmed. I remember the Tron in Edinburgh where just pouring. It was like literally playing a sauna. You were pouring sweat?

You were? Everyone. Okay. Just drenched. If you played a sauna, it would be no different. That hot. We don't have air conditioning it's only warm for like four days here but when it is you're fucked and uh yeah i remember a few of those yeah this i'm dying remember uh atlanta at the at the something theater? It's no longer there.

It was an old monastery. It's an old monastery, old church. Yeah, but you remember. We walked up and the owner or the manager had an open hose on the air conditioning unit going into the building, and there was no air conditioning in the entire theater. It was like 300-seater. And me and Junior Stopka and you and Carlos Valencia were all wearing those fucking South Carolina original Kings of Comedy fucking black fucking.

We went to this black original Kings of Comedy suits where they wear these polyester fucking not old school. Like pimp daddy stuff. Shit quality fucking pimp fucking suits. Three button, four-button suits. We're all wearing those. We got us all shoes and everything. And we're just dying.

It's like if you wore a fucking raincoat into a sauna. I think Bingo and I had actually rolled our pants up to our knees because we were in the backstage area. Your shoes are squishing from the sweat? It was so bad. The backstage was like four feet. There was no, it was like a false wall. No, it was not even.

It was nothing, yeah. Two and a half feet. And there was no air conditioning in the entire place. Well, it started with an R. Relapse. Relapse. Relapse. That's what it was, yeah.

Relapse Theater. I think it's back open. With air conditioning, you said? No, I guarantee that. For a limited time only. One day a year. Oh, man. Well, that Mavericks place, or Babylon?

What is it? Babylon. Babylon, yeah. I think the last time I went there was 2008, and it was a million degrees in the middle of the winter. So I think that they just... That was a weird place. But that one guy came up tonight, he had pictures of it,

and he was like, I'm so glad you guys are here. I was like, what? He had a James Harden beard in the picture. He goes, you remember this? I'm like, no, you're clean shaven. He had a bigger than Jamesames harden beard in the picture no i don't first of all i don't remember it anyway like there's a fuck i took what 40 fucking pictures tonight in a small market do you think i remember one from four years ago or three years ago. No. See?

Remember? The big beard? No. It's funny because he showed a picture with him in it and you in it. I looked at the jacket. You never saw the picture. That's what I did. I looked at the jacket to see if I was selling this

on the eBay yard sale. And I go, I might be, but I'm not quite sure. I saw you looking at the time. Do we have to do a commercial now? All right. Let's hit a commercial. And then we're going to come back with Frank and some blasts from the past. And more reasons I have to do my own biography.

Not autobiography, but do my own biography where I write about myself from the third person, blotobiography, because another story that he told me last night, I go, fuck, that should have been in my book, but I don't remember it. You do. So I want to write my blotto biography as a biographer about me not knowing the stories. But first, here's a commercial that will help me pay for this endeavor. That will help me pay for this endeavor.

Listen. Squarespace is going to have to understand that we're not very professional. But our listeners are going to have to understand. That almost was vomit. Our listeners are going to have to. Doug, do you even know that your website... I'm going somewhere. Chaley Oh my god, that was

actually vomit. You go in there quick. You have heartburn, you go in there so quick. I have so many people that email me these lengthy dissertations. Hey, I'm funny too.

And then they send this just entire email. I don't, if you don't get to the point in the first paragraph, if you can understand paragraphs, I'm not reading your dumb shit. Put it on a blog. Put it on Squarespace is what we're promoting. Yeah, why don't you have a website? If you don't have a website, I don't even care to read it. Like if you can't take the time to do Squarespace,

Squarespace is an easy way to make a website. So when you say, oh, I have funny ideas. Here, let me know. Make a website through Squarespace. Give us some plugs, Chaley. Doug, what you're trying to say, and I love the way you're trying to say it. You're saying turn your cool idea into a new website. You have an idea, and it's so simple.

You can just do a one page, like what they call a splash page, where you end up. You just one page right there. You can make it so simple. They've got templates. You can showcase your work, blog, or publish your content. It's all right there. Sell products and services of all kinds. When someone sends you a link to jimshitheadtalksalot.blogspot.this.that,

that's a message board or something. Get a fucking... If you want to be taken seriously, get a website, and you can do that as easily with Squarespace. Squarespace. You can make it yourself. If you can write all this dumb shit to me that I'll never read, you can make a Squarespace page, and then you go,

check out my website, I wrote a thing about you, which is, that's how you get people. Affect their ego. Hey, I wrote a blog about you, and then if it's on an actual website like Squarespace can make you, yeah, I might click on it because my ego is affected. Basic psychology. And Squarespace makes basic psychology basic to fake.

Say basic one more time. Basic. Hey, Squarespace does this by giving you beautiful templates created by world-class designers. Everyone makes these things. They make them available on Squarespace. You get to pick through. The beauty is is you get to look at

the way it's going to be presented to the world. To the world! The world wide web, before it even goes public. So you get to look at it, see how it's working, and then you go, no, I want to go with another template from some other, some 12-year-old kid in Scandinavia. But it's all right there. It's super simple.

You can toggle on and off between designs and all the templates there. They're amazing. We use one for DougStanhope.com. Check out. We should not talk over each other while we're doing an ad. No, I blared over you. Check out squarespace.com slash Stanhope for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use the offer code Stanhope to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain, which is another thing you can do hey when i first started doing stand-up comedy as an open miker sometimes i would

use oh this is a funny reference sea monkeys i remember doing one of my first bits so if you get cmonkeys.com and then work backwards. That'd be a good one. Yeah, work backwards from, hey, this is a hilarious dot com, and then work backwards. Yeah, you can do a lot of shit. People, oh, I want to move to Bisbee, but what would I do for work? Well, you can do shit. If you find a good website and have a good website idea,

do a website thing. I don't know. Just shut up and go to squarespace.com. I'm drunk. Hey, a dream is just a great idea that doesn't have a website yet. Make it a reality with Squarespace. That's what I was trying to say. All right, let's get back to the website.

I'll act more sober. We're back. Let me sit up. Hold on. Let me. I felt so good going into that show, and now I don't. That wasn't my intention. I know.

I want to tweet right now. This fucking swinger is, like, party next door, right? Yeah, but that's not... It's upstairs. Closing the door won't help the banging from upstairs at the Days Inn. Let's give the Days Inn. Let's give the Days Inn a plug. The Days Inn in Ottawa.

So go, Chaley. You're driving this thing. No, you were going to talk to Frank and Carrie here about the good old days. I think he needs notes for that. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. to Frank and Carrie here about the good old days. I think he needs notes for that. I think he needs... Oh, shit.

I'm sorry. Well, we can kind of remember. One of the ones that came up was one that was in the book, but I think you cover most of it, but the cocaine with kids. Yeah, doing cocaine with kids. Oh, by the way, yes, plug the Audible version.

This is an actual bonus to the Audible version of This Is Not Fame because you're a guy that we didn't get in on inside the inside story. That one, I think, needed correction, though. That one was just one of the... I think that was the first year we worked together. The Just for Laughs, where I was doing cocaine with children in Canada. Yeah, it was my cocaine, that started it.

The coke that we got, that's when we're doing it in the stairwell at the bar. Oh, you were there? Yeah, I am. The one who got the coke, and we did it. That's the thing. You don't remember that it was me, because that's from so long ago. But I got the original Coke at the show.

Okay, the story is that I wrote, that I put in the book, was I end up at a youth hostel doing cocaine with, I won't, Bobby, let's just say Bobby, and two of his kid friends that wanted to, they didn't do cocaine, but they wanted to do cocaine so they could say they did cocaine.

Local comics or something? I don't even know if they were comics. They were fucking 18-year-old kids. There's no such thing as a comic that's 18. Bobby did turn into a... I don't think they were from Montreal. Turned into a what? A comic.

A comedian or a cokehead. Yeah, so anyways, the kids just wanted to do it. They'd never done it. Weren't really thinking about doing it, but wanted to do it just because they would do it with him. you at the youth hostel no that's when i left first of all if you haven't read the book fuck you you're i read the book no i'm talking about the listener i'm talking about the listener if you have no idea what i'm talking about go i read the book and i've this is not fame and then when i'm talking about doing cocaine you weren't in the

youth hostel when we wound up there. No, not on that one. After doing it in the stairwell. It's weird because that's where he's staying tonight. Ottawa youth hostel. Ottawa. No, the one that came up that's not in the book that we're talking about is the rooftop the year after. No, no.

rooftop the year after no no first of all you reminded me of something from that story is after i left the kids doing cocaine at a youth hostel and that's where evil e calls me on bingo's phone and i go i can't talk right now i'm doing cocaine with children in Canada. That's right. And it was my fucking old neighbor going, this is your neighbor. Your wife is having a freak out. Oh, that's right, yeah. So I'm trying to talk my neighbor, who I don't know that well, who's kind of elderly, into how to talk bingo off a bad trip, whether it's off her meds or she's tripping.

I don't know. But at the same time, all these kids are passing around Frank's cocaine, and I'm missing every key bump because I'm trying to talk to the neighbor, and they're doing all my coke, which is mine now. It came from you, but you weren well i went and then left once we all got to the the hostel that's when i was leaving i just kept going home but the story after when you run out of blow i forgot in the book the part you reminded me of that i forgot is they run out of blow. I'm going back into the Just for Laughs festival to go to all the parties, leaving them there.

And they're like, we want more blow. Yeah, they literally just turn into that, like the PSAs you do that are exaggerated. Like if a kid tries drugs once, they're just going to ask everyone. They started walking down St. Denis Street, where they were at downtown Montreal, and they just walked down the street, literally going up. They were like, do you know where I can get some Coke?

Anybody. Anyone they walked into. Wow. I'm trying to get a cab, and they're going, do you know where to get Coke? Do you know where to get Coke? Yeah, looking for a scalper outside of a show. Looking for tickets outside a Safeco field for a Mariners game. Got tickets?

Got tickets? Got tickets, got tickets. I forgot that part. I just completely turned these kids into coke addicts. And I missed out on most of the coke because I was trying to talk my fucking neighbor into how to talk my bingo out of a fucking bad trip. Hey, I got notes here on something else too it says uh blown on a rooftop yeah that's where frank was just going all right yeah that's the uh the year or two after the either just for this was uh johnny legend we can use his name since it's not really a name. That's what he went by, Johnny Legend. Johnny Legend.

I booked the show. There was one guy, Nick. We won't use the full name. No, no, but he was a fan, and he called himself a, well, transgender is what we'd use now. Pre-op tranny back then. Yeah, he called himself that yep and he uh he looked nothing like he didn't try to look like a woman at all he wore some he was like

eddie izzard if eddie izzard was a straggly beard what's the uh eddiezzard with no sense of fashion. Yeah, he looked like a shaggy from Scooby-Doo that didn't try to shave it all but put on a few ladies accoutrements like he had a

sash or something. Yeah. He had a wig or long hair. I can't remember. I think He had a wig or long hair. I can't remember. I think he had a wig. It was like Halloween. He was joking. He was mocking transgendered people,

but he meant it. So after the show, we're up on the roof of this gig. He'd flown out from across the country, which is the reason... The west coaster of the Canadian provinces. We brought him up on the roof with us

to hang out. This might be MySpace days. It might be that long ago. It was 2009. I was still on MySpace. I just signed up for Twitter but didn't use it. We're on the roof just hanging out. Ecstasy.

Ecstasy, a lot of ecstasy. And another Nick, my buddy Nick, who wasn't at the show but I was talking to, was done across town and came to meet up with us. All right, we're kind of, uh, me too. Wing. We're, we're, we're, we're,

we're giving the transvestite transgendered guy, my fan, a lot of shit for like, you're not really like, you have to be kidding because you don't even try to. And he's like, no, no,

I'm, I'm, I'm, uh, I'm a transvestite. He looks like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. But he's a young kid. He's probably in his late 20s.

Yeah, mid to late 20s. But he was committed and he was no shame, but you go, you have to be bullshitting for attention because... But their angle. What's the angle? Everyone has an angle. As you get older, you realize

yeah, he had an angle, but it wasn't necessarily bullshit. What was the angle? Well, I said... I was trying to call his bluff, like, well, will you blow somebody? But just because he's transgender doesn't mean he's into dudes. You're making

that assumption. Well, no. Just because he's transgender doesn't mean he's into dudes. You're making that assumption. Well, no. Just because he's into dudes doesn't mean he'll blow any dude. That too? That's where my fatal flaw. Yeah. I was being kind of rude because I was calling his bluff. You're the Nova Scotia border agent.

Lava with me, son. What's going on here? And goes i'll do it because basically he says he he says well i do it and my buddy happens to show up at the same time so i'm like hey nick this is doug wait wait wait there was a circle of us up on a rooftop like the fucking Beatles about to play a gig. Oh, okay. You know, that Simpsons episode. Anyway. So I go, anyone willing? Because he'll go, yeah, I'll blow someone just to prove that I'm a gal with a wig and a beard. And just as he's doing that, my buddy Nick walks up. I'm like, hey, Doug, it's my buddy Nick.

Buddy Nick that will do anything. Oh, crazy guy. And he goes, have you ever been blown by a dude in a wig on a rooftop in Montreal? I was like, no. I was like, you want to? And my buddy was like, sure, I'll do it. And that's when the other Nick. And he's so Nick, the transvestite is about to blow

this guy and this is where this squat fire hydrant zero fucking promoter that we had hired for no reason Johnny Legend is like I can't believe I'm gonna what and he pulls out his flip phone

back in the day and he starts to film it and the guy your Nick is like oh no no no way yeah i totally quit the deal when he took the phone out yeah but both both of them i think we're just like well i don't really want to deal with the camera i just yeah i'll do it but i so ruined a good night and a story that could have been in the book. Over the course of probably 10 years now, where you had to deal with people filming in the audience,

I could fill two hours of airtime with all the ways I tried to stop people from filming. Shaming them. Buck you, I'll throw you out if I see your fucking camera. That was one that I used as an example. Listen. Listen to this story. I had a friend who was

about to get blown by a fucking transvestite with a beard on ecstasy on a rooftop. And then one fucking asshole, one Johnny legend, tourist of life, had to pull out a phone and ruin the entire story. This was such a beautiful story in the making. Everyone's on ecstasy. His weird buddy that's like a Johnny Knoxville that'll stick his dick in anything

is gonna get blown by this guy to prove. Everyone's agreeable. This is gonna happen. And then this one chump fucking has to go, I need video footage. And that ruined the good time that you'll never see. It never happened. I know. It never

happened. And you know how many things never happen because you want to film it or the threat of someone filming it the point being how many things didn't happen because you were going to film it and they stopped doing it

I think you're right in the last 10 years how many cops were about to shoot an unarmed black guy and you ruined it? Reminds me of that venue that we were at in Toronto with the beer bottles rolling down. Remember there was a guy and he was trying to take video or pictures. And you were like, dude, I'll meet you after the show. And then the other opening comic went to Becker. That's who it was.

Kristen Becker. Yeah, comic went to Becker. That's who it was? Kristen Becker. Yeah, she went to tackle him, and she fucking bailed because of all the beer bottles that had slipped, made it so slippery. No, she took a header. She took a header, but it was funny because she did it as a goof because the guy was still taking pictures. She took a header as a goof? What she did, she kind of almost did the three-point stance like football and did a running start like jokingly, but because the beer bottles were running down the aisles, it was slippery

at the bottom, so she took a couple of steps and just fucking bailed so hard right in front of the stage. Oh my God. She got the superhero three-point stance? Yeah, she was going to come down and tackle this guy. Was it Danforth? Oh, this was a while come down and tackle this guy. Was it Danforth? Was it the Danforth?

No, no. This was some movie theater with cement floors. Okay, so this is 10 years ago. Not quite, but it was awful. No, it was 2011. Yeah. July 12th. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's right before I started going to Canada. July 12th, 2011. Motherfucker. How do you know that? And he doesn't remember anything in this book. That's the year of the car wash party. Is it? Or is that?

No, that's not before. That's 2010, man. There were three car wash parties. What else do we have? You know what I'd like to hear? Oh, fuck. My next note is car wash party. Great memories of Montreal.

Car wash party. That was the next one In the book We talked about doing Just for Spite Did we? I don't know I also have another note here What? Frank Dosedug with Ecstasy

On stage Oh yeah I don't know Catacombs Two times ago on stage? Oh, yeah. Oh, I don't feel... Okay. Don't know. I don't know. Catacombs. Yeah. Well, basically what happens is... Two times ago, we did catacombs.

Yeah. Well, every year since we started working together, I would, at some point, that's back when you drank beer on stage all the time.

At some point during the show, when I knew it was like 45 to an hour in, I'd usually go up, bring another beer or two, and I'd put an ecstasy pill in my hand and be like, do you want it? Take it. If you don't, just grab the beer.

I'm just holding it so you can take the beers or you can take the beers and the pill. Usually, he'd take the pill and take the beer. One year, whichever year that was, two times ago, I only had MDMA powder for him. I was like was like ah fuck like i can't

just hold up the baggie and have him like put in his drink so like well fuck it he's always taking it anytime i brought it up so i'm just gonna put some in his beer the second he gets off stage i'll tell him hey doug by the way you're about to start feeling good you're about to start feeling good i put some in your drink i'll'll tell him. The show is super packed. The second he gets off stage, photos, signing shit, do all that. And we had a podcast we were doing back then. So we drive out to Tony's place. Oh, I kind of remember this.

Catacombs was that place. It was like super vertical. But we go to Tony's place. And we go to Tony's place. And we're doing bums. We start recording the podcast. And the bar's set up just outside of the podcast room. So Doug gets up.

And he just comes back in. He's like, fuck, it's really weird. I was trying to pour my drink. But I felt really odd. And then Tony had a painting on the wall. The painting looked really nice. It just looked really textured. I was like, I don't know.

When I was pouring the drink, I felt like I was high. I'm like, oh, fuck. I forgot to tell you. I dosed you. So, yeah. Apparently, that was the only time he's been dosed. Slipped my mind. Yeah.

Completely forgot to tell you I gave you drugs. Yeah. How'd that podcast go? Yeah. I don't know. 2011? Yeah, we have like three out. Wow, you got a cutting edge. Yeah.

We were doing pretty well then because there weren't that many podcasts. So that podcast did really well. We started in 2014? Yeah. Because near the wild. Near the wild started before yours. Oh. Because I had to road test it.

Yeah, 2013. near the wild started before yours oh because i had to road test it yeah 2013 i don't know anyway uh i don't know if anyone has uh it is one of those weird things where uh that you you started and then you just stopped because you had an episode of Dosing Doug Ecstasy, and you couldn't get listeners? No, we had listeners. Podcasts aren't fun. I don't listen to them. Yeah. Also, we had Paul Provenza.

We had Henry Phillips. I don't know who those people are. Are those friends of yours? Yeah, just really close friends of ours. Are those dealers, ecstasy dealers? Tough gets. You know. I mean, we just had Frank as bait, you know?

Like, wow, you get to see Frank Paul, and, you know, that's... It was good. It was good. But, yeah, it was just a lot of work. It's a lot of work. Yeah, I don't remember... Doug doesn't know what you're talking about. A lot of work.

I don't remember having that kind of energy. Because the tours couldn't be much different than this. But we would go out and get really fucked up and then make the next gig. And now I get Subway and I'm tuckered out. And hey, you want to go out afterwards? No. No, I want to get back into bed. This is the perfect afterwards.

This is the first year we haven't done drugs. Like, yesterday, you bolted right after the show in Montreal. Your lady was doing everything but actually going, this is what I meant by I found something that could keep us awake and shoving coke up my nose. Wait. Who's got coke? Jesus Christ.

Well, that lady said everything but I have coke. I felt like it, too, but I'm like, she's just not asking for money. I'm not doing drugs because of my butthole piercings. Oh. All right. What are your butthole piercings? I don't want to talk about that. I'm so bored

with the fucking shit about the book. I'm not. No. This will disgust you, so we're going right to this. Clearly, because Doug finds something he's reading in a book or a magazine or something on TV, and he'll pause it or he'll dog ear the page so he can tell me because I will get violently ill.

And then I've heard you talking about – Doug watched a thing on like 600-pound fat people, and it – well, I was – It was a long story. We've talked about it i've heard this three buttholes he got it for 24 hours now he got his asshole pierced what for real no i didn't get my ass yeah yeah yeah for fun i don't know what's going on i'm i'm i'm soft gliding him into this because this is doug knows how to do this this is what you oh no no no no no no for the end save it for the end he's got a picture already. Save it for the end. He tipped it.

He's got a photo. I know, but he's going to save the photo for the end. Listen, he told me he has three piercings in his asshole. And I'm like, I don't even understand how that- Like you get a piercing in your nose? Yeah. Well, you'll see the pictures, but- Hold on a second.

Is that what- No, they're not piercings that I got for fun. This is how he told it to me. i i go who pierces their asshole then he tells me this go ahead frank i i had an anal abscess in december oh okay i know what that is anal abscess so i had one of those that's but erickson's band name really in college. So I had one of those. That's like a pocket, right? Yeah, it's a pocket of pus. Wait, what's the difference between an abscess or a fissure?

Oh, pus. Yeah, pus. The fissure could lead to an abscess. I'm a fan. My dad had a fissure right above his asshole beneath his spine. And my dad, a very soft spoken, not a dirty guy at all. When he explained, the fissure went down and connected to his colon or rectum or whatever it was. So he had a little poop coming out of that and his asshole and he goes you knew your dad

was an asshole but you would never guess he's a double asshole my dad was very much that's the funniest thing he ever said right pretty much and it was sad yeah he was and yeah he sounded like Charles Kuralt

oh my god so that's what I thought when you said abscess. I was thinking Fisher, but no. Yeah, so it's an actual pocket of pus. And I waited. Internal or external? Internal. And so deep internally that mine wasn't visible.

That's like diverticulitis. It can be kind of like that because it's way, way internal. But they thought I could have that, it's way, way internal. Yeah. But they thought I could have that, which Andy does, by the way. My dad did. Andy. Sure. My dad had to have.

I'm not the only one. Andy has some. My dad had like 16 inches of his colon removed because of diverticulitis. Yeah. So that's all I had. That was the used part of his colon after the Negroes. That's what he told me on my graduation from high school.

We'll have to do pictures step by step because I had six surgeries in the last four months. Six surgeries in the last four months. That's a lot. That seems unhealthy. Like a doctor wouldn't say to do that.

It took me a year to get a prosthetic tooth. Well, you live in a fucked up country when it comes to health care. That is true. So the first time I got surgery. No, no, no, no, no. I have questions. Before you get to the pictures. Doug knows you have to pay him out.

Shaley vomiting has to be the payoff to this. So first of all, you have an abscess, which say is like a goiter or a large lump deep inside. Deep inside one of my butt cheeks. No, it's in the butt cheek. So it's in the butt cheek, but spreading out from inside the entire butt cheek, going above my ass. Oh, wait, so it's not inside your asshole. It's not inside my asshole. It's right next to it going, but right next to it.

So how long from the first time you go, this seems a little lumpy, to, oh, God, I got to go to national health care. Three weeks to a month. All right. Yeah. And then the first time I went, they misdiagnosed, so I had an extra week before going in. Okay. So now you have a massive lump on your asshole on the inside of the cheek.

Yeah. And you go to a doctor, and they misdiagnose it as what? Bursitis. Genital mice? Bursitis. They thought it was an abscess, but then they looked at it, couldn't see anything,

and thought it was something else. It was also a Friday afternoon, and I don't know if that changed anything in their diagnosis, but she was like yeah I guess we could do an x-ray to make sure but I think it's bursitis what's bursitis?

bursitis is people get in their elbows a lot it's the calcium deposit? no it's the pockets of water like a fluid basically that you have and there's inflammation because of like rubbing constantly have you been

getting fucked in the ass at all a basically so that's probably what they were the guy who tilts to the left looks like you've been doing cocaine with underage kids at a youth hostel so yeah they misdiagnosed that time I went back a

week later because i could barely walk and the rectal exam after over a month of having that was fucking some of the worst pain ever and that's when they did the first rectal exam if this is on the outside of your asshole and they were going inside your ass because it tests it starts on the side of it so it puts pressure on your on your rectum on your colon from there colon from there. But it had spread out through my entire butt cheek. Oh, so you poop like a boomerang? Kind of, yeah. I was deathly afraid of taking a dump.

It was a straight log, but then once it hit the bursitis, it tilted. Yeah, like in the toilet bowl. It's like, how did I get all those curves? That's the shape of your lower intestinal tract so like it it's spread from the in internally well i don't to the outside no no it's always internal it's just spreading out as far as how going towards your heart and not your heels exactly okay. Okay. So I got to a point where it was pretty big and I needed surgery. Usually if they catch it and it's pretty like surface, they just small incision.

A lot of times it's just local anesthetic. Drain it, send you back home. A couple of days of changing bandages and you're back to doing whatever it is that you want to do. Coke with the kids at the youth hospital. I've barely done coke this year because of this. So the first time they did surgery. It does make you need to shit right away. So the first time they did surgery, they had to do two separate incisions because it was that big in my butt cheek.

And they installed a rubber hose through my butt. So the rubber hose is going through my butt cheek looking like this. It's not that bad. What am I looking at? You're looking at the back of my ass and you're looking. How can you not tell the... Is that a stint or something? That's a rubber hose.

Oh, fuck. It's a rubber hose dangling from my ass. That's your fucking ass. That's your ass cheek. It's my ass cheek, but this one dangling at the bottom is coming out next to the asshole. Stay on Mike Chaley.

Burn in. But then the part of the top that's folded over inside, it's because they're supposed to every day pull it out an inch or two at the bottom. And just pull it out, pull it out slowly. You go to wipe your ass. I knock it out. So now it's dangling. Are you fucking kidding me?

So now it's dangling from my ass. There's two. Yeah, now it's dangling from my... There's two. Yeah, now it's dangling from both sides. I could floss my butt cheek. That's a... Yeah, they're attached. I could just pull them both sides. Through the nose, through the mouth.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, that is fucking precious. So that's the first surgery. Can you tweet these? I could. I could. I can live tweet them when you air the podcast. All right.

So now you have three rings. Yeah. Do you want to see the rings? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. So basically after... Hold on a second. There's no...

Hold on a second. They stapled his... Is something going through your... He has three assholes now. Not at that time. And they're all stapled shut. So those are two holes? Those are two holes? Those are two holes.

There's two holes. Yeah, they're basically I don't know if there was a fissure so much, but they cut a hole that's really in the butt cheek and one that's close to the anus. So it's right next to the butthole. And that's where the two holes are, and that's where it's draining from. But there's nothing going right through my butthole at that time.

What I'm trying to tell myself right now is the miracle of science. Because right now, I want to vomit. That is nothing to you, Frank. You're a hero. Frank, as someone who, like you, loves being a soft bottom and fucked in the ass all the time, how has this affected your love life with your lady, Kara? I'm no longer getting pegged. My days of power bottoming have gone up.

Well, not by her, but, I mean, clearly two other guys are doing you. Three, technically. She still takes the natural. Well, I'll just show you a picture of the three. Basically, it got to a point where it kept coming back so much that they did a bunch of tests and found out that there's picture of the three things. Basically, it got to a point where it kept coming back so much that

they did a bunch of tests and found out that there's fistula that are developing. Fistula? That word is made to make people vomit. It's one of the top Google

viewport search things. Fistula. Well, I've got some great viewport material right here. So they found two of them when they knocked me out at some point. You had the butt floss, two other holes. No, so I have that for a while. That comes out. It starts healing, but it probably heals too quickly,

so there's still pus inside. It hasn't fully drained. It comes out. It starts healing, but it probably heals too quickly. So there's still pus inside. It hasn't fully drained. It comes back. Spend three days in the hospital. They send me home. Comes back. Surgery again. So they do a couple of surgeries.

Let me just step in because you're talking to Chaley. What you say too quickly, he's saying not enough pus has drained from fistulas in his asshole or his many assholes inside outside where they're cutting them open putting rubber tubes

into he said it better so so just slow down when you talk to him... Oh. Here we go. Alright. We have a video that Chaley's gonna watch now.

No fucking way. Chaley, sit. Sit. No fucking way. Sit. Sit. Sit. Sit. Chaley sit I'll do this for Doug Doug

people suffer sit and what before you show Chaley tell the viewer what Chaley's about to watch so this video is the third or fourth surgery that was done who directed this

Michael Mansfield? I believe Tarantino had a hand in this. Is that you to produce? I thought I was cured. Is this your ass I'm going to look at? Yeah, that's my ass you're going to look at. Whose hands are those? One of them is mine.

They don't make you use your own hands? I wanted to get a good shot, so I kind of partially directed this. Frank, I'm going to need you to put your hands back here. We'll place them. So usually they knock me out for surgery. This time, because it comes back pretty quickly and we catch it,

I... This time, because national healthcare is kind of low on the boards, they go, you're going to have to bite on a ruler and spread your cheeks yourself. We're filming a western. And your ass. Since they didn't knock me out,

I brought my phone into surgery and asked the nurse if she could take pictures, and she ended up taking video of it. So what you're going to watch is, I was hoping for a picture or video of as she's actually slicing the abscess and you see the pus drain out. I didn't get one of those. I unfortunately didn't get that.

Kara's going to hold on to you so you don't run. You're going to see my take 32 of Hondo with John Wayne. Click. And you're going to see a giant syringe being inserted into my butt cheek. I'm going to keep this right by my mouth. So this is the surgeon squirting

saline solution, I guess, into my ass to clean out the pus. Oh, yeah. That's the stuff. Oh, yeah. That feels good. There's so much blood.

You're not awake during this, right? Yeah. I'm holding my butt. That's your hand? Eyes on the prize, Jaylee. Here it goes. This is the stuff. This is 98%

thumbs up on butt porn. Who's the sadist taking that video? The nurse. Dude, I don't know. Who's the sadist taking that video? The nurse. Oh, my God. Dude, I don't know. Doug, remember the story I told you about my stepbrother today when they sliced the guy's balls open?

The scar before he goes. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's an asshole. That's all. You just want to show me your butthole. It looks like a vagina. Oh, my God. Hey, I went to spring break once.

Yes, it kind of looks like a vagina. It's only 1144. The fact that Chaley looked at that means he's too drunk to drive 12 hours from now because generally he would already vomit. I've been tempering myself. Yeah. Dude, that's you? so where are you at right now? I'm at this point there's one more picture coming which is after all this because

it kept coming back so much they figured the fistula you're a good customer I had fistula so they found two put two wires that are the equivalent they go right up my asshole you've got three holes put two wires that are the equivalent. Basically, they go right up my asshole.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You've got three holes. You have three holes. Currently, yeah. How is there... They're not all assholes. No, but all three of them go through my asshole and come out. They're connecting.

I'll show you the picture. You'll understand. Let's just look at his asshole. Yeah, take off your pants. Jesus Christ. It looks like a circuit board from Radio City. Radio Shack or something. So that's three separate wires going right up my asshole.

And two of them are coming out of one butt cheek. For fun? No, it's not for fun. That's for me to heal. No, he said wires. But they're like twist ties, really. Yeah, it's not for fun. That's for me to heal. No, he said wires. But they're like twist ties, really. Yeah, it's like zip ties. So you're a bread packet.

Yeah. What the fuck? Dude. So now I'm constantly leaking. That's a picture on Jeopardy that's like, what are you looking at? An asshole. My asshole. There may be poop there.

I also love the fact that we're doing a podcast which is audio and just talking about pictures i want to shut this podcast down it's going on long enough people aren't seeing these pictures and they never will at what point because i've seen where you go, this woman was beaten half to death by her abusive boyfriend or this so-and-so. And they have hospital photos of someone in a coma with their fucking head swollen out. Black and blue. At what point do you let Olin Mills come in and take fucking... Olin Mills, You got that.

Take pictures while you're in a fucking coma from an emergency ward. I can't say it's okay. I can't give consent, but you evidently said, oh, take a lot of pictures

of my asshole all the time. To be fair, they blocked out his eyes. How is this okay? Did you set this up? His hands were in the photo. Did you have a makeup person? I took a lot of the pictures. One of the other reasons is if I could try to keep that clean after, a lot of them are just me making sure I wash properly.

I don't even know. How do you take pictures of your own asshole? Because there's one point I actually tried to take just the ass picture just as a goof for bingo. I'm like, you can't do that. You can't focus. You had. Well, I got her.

Kara helped her a couple of them. So the ones that are in focus, the first one you saw with the rubber hose. I don't remember. I've blocked it already. I'm not going to remember this night. This night is over. I've said that a lot recently. Why are there twist ties in your asshole?

They might be fucking with me, but apparently that's how I'm going to heal. He loves taking pictures. Keep putting twist ties. Maybe he's got actual leukemia. We're going to keep doing it until he objects. Sooner or later, he might say no. We don't know.

He might like this. Let's kill this podcast. And then let's dig into Frank's asshole and find out the real truth. I'm going to untwist that tie. We're going to start Doug Stano podcast behind the podcast, and we're going to find out the real truth about Frank's asshole. And then we're going to apologize to that guy that got thrown out. Oh, Mike. We'll see you.

We'll see you another time, Mike. And thank you for listening to this podcast. And thank you for listening to this podcast. This is Frank's, Frank's, his band, Sunday at the Board. She caught his eye from the dance floor The kind of girl that makes you beg for more The one for love, not looking to score Just seeking thrills stronger than before. They were young, they were beautiful.

They have money, drugs, and alcohol. You can't stand when you don't have a soul. So go all in and let it roll. A drunken Romeo, a gacked out Juliet. This is as good as any night can get. Thank the good drug lord that they met. Be who they want just for one night. Getting in trouble is their birthright. Don't fall in love, get in a fist fight.

It all looks better under black light. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh A few more pills and some cheap rum Keep chasing fun until the sun comes Try anything to feed their demons Don't step away is when it's all done A drunken Romeo a gacked out Juliet this is as good as any knight can get thank the good drug lord that they met

A drunken Romeo a gacked out Juliet this is as good as any knight can get thank the good drug lord that they met Thank you. A drunken Romeo, a cacked out Juliet This is as good as any night can get Thank the good drug lord that named it Alright, sorry about this whole night, bye.