The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #261: Blowing Shit Up and Dick Pic Tattoos

Episode Date: May 30, 2018

After his Canadian tour, Doug makes a quick stop in Bisbee before heading out to the UK and Jobi, Becker and Johnathon just want to blow shit up. Recorded May 29th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Mat Becker (@houdini357), Johnathon, Jobi (@StanhopesCDP), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. This episode is sponsored by STANHOPE MERCH. NEW! Chad Shank T-Shirts and “Popov Vodka Presents” VHS Tapes now available at http://www.DougStanhope.com/store Go to http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/ for tickets to all upcoming 2018 shows in the UK / Ireland / Netherlands and North America. LINKS: Go to http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/ for tickets to all upcoming 2018 shows in the UK / Ireland / Netherlands and North America. Chad Shank Voice Over info at http://www.AudioShank.com Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org Closing Clip, "Winnipeg Jets", by Doug Stanhope live at Rumor's Comedy Club in Winnipeg, MB - May 20, 2018.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night. Good night. Good night. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. What are you going to switch to after this? Do you want me to do it faster? I hate basketball. I can't stand it.

And last night was exactly why. Well, I asked fucking Morgan Murphy if this is a foregone conclusion that Golden State will win. Right. I tweeted that. I tweeted, if they get the NBA down to two teams, it could be competitive. And only made it three games, it would be watch worth it. Yeah, and then you might not

know who won. Worth watching. Yeah, this is how it's going to go. So yeah, no, I've gone full circle with it where I just went, I hate basketball. Now I hate the game and not the players. That's where I've gone. Oh, I hate basketball. Now I hate the game and not the players. That's where I'm going. Oh, I hate basketball. Let's get going here.

I thought we were already recording. Well, it's recording, but I'm trying to do two things at once. Who wants my statues? I just thought it was an easy way to make my money back from betting on Frank Meir. Yeah. But again. betting on Frank Meier. Yeah.

But again. Bet the easy odds. 300 to win 200, which is now 300 to win 100, because Becker chucked in 100, betting on the fucking now Cavaliers. Yeah. My team's been upgraded to Cavaliers. What was your team?

Are you the Celtics? No, I'm anybody that beats the Golden State Warriors, which are from Sacramento. They used to be my favorite team because I always like to have a favorite, even if I hate the sport. But Golden State, no one knows where Golden State plays out. You didn't even know. No, I still don't know. I don't care. It's somewhere in the Bay Area. I just want them to lose.

I still don't know. I liked them care. It's somewhere in the Bay Area. I just want them to lose. I still don't know. I liked them until they became a powerhouse like anyone else. I don't like the fucking odds-on favorite, but Golden State was this weird basketball organization that was somewhere in a state that's golden. But you usually base a lot of this, your thrust behind a team is team colors was there something with the golden colors and uh throwback uniforms uh or just like the montreal expos you forget

they were even a team there's just this weird random team and and I still root for them, and I will never acknowledge that they're the Washington Nationals. They're still the Montreal Expos. For the rest of my life, they're from Montreal. I don't give a shit. We just came from Canada, and we decided that from now on, we're only playing Canadian cities that have a hockey team because the only one that we played that didn't is fucking London, Ontario at that horrible fucking venue.

And even if they did have a hockey team, you'd figure out another thing that they don't have that you could say that we're never coming back. Well, we have to go back into Toronto, which is like, all right, we finally get to leave New York City, and we go to Jersey, but we have to go back into the city to drop off a rental car in some weird fucking spot and deal with traffic, and it sucks, and Toronto sucks. What did you say on stage? A lot of things. No, about having to do Toronto and then go to London and then come back

to Toronto. Oh, I said it was like having a two-year prison sentence where you get a year off in between times. Like, oh, I'm free for a while and now, fuck, I have to go back to prison. Hang on, we'll get to Becker and Joby

and Jonathan and Chad Shank and went out and blew up heavy explosives. We'll get to Becker. Becker and Joby and Jonathan and Chad Shank went out and blew up heavy explosives. We'll get to that. But I got some notes from the plane, which you know how good those notes are. Mace Galoney. This is at the end of the tour. This is not in any kind of order. But Simon King. We did two shows

in Vancouver. Simon King was on the first one. May Scaloni. Two comics I actually know. And you go, okay, I know they're going to be good. I'll get to it. You get to it. You have your own notes. I got mine.

The first note I wrote down, this guy had a... I wrote about it in my book people get who get auto uh tattoos of my autograph my autograph is so indecipherable that at best you can pick out the d and the s it's like my initials with a long scrawl afterwards. So he had that tattoo from years ago. Then he saw me in Winnipeg and said, hey, sign my arm again. I'm going to get it tattooed. And I was hammered because we went to the Winnipeg Jets final game where they lost. And I just wrote down Jets.

Like with a shitty fucking edge of a chisel point. Like it wasn't like he didn't have his, it wasn't like Picasso like writing Jets in like a flowery way. It was basically like Jets. Yeah. Next. It was shitty flying J toilet graffiti. And he shows up.

That was the sixth night of the tour. And then he shows up again. He shows up. And the last night in Vancouver, he got Jets tattooed above my signature. And he wanted me to sign his arm, which is very crowded at this point. Again. He's still pussy. So Mace Galoney, who's the opening kid.

And I go, hey, why don't you sign his arm? opening kid and they go hey why don't you sign so he drew a a very uh very good dick pic of a spurting cock well on the guy there was there was a bit of a kerfuffle because we want to get done we're done after this after the mergers we're done and then there's doug i want to completely done going home done right and And Doug's like, well, give me a minute. And so the guy's waiting. He's like, that's the last thing you want to do is make people wait because they're going to, oh, a special audience. When I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to put on his arm. And then I finally go,

no, Mace, he's a young kid. He's got a long backstory with us. His dad flew him down here to a show in Tucson when he was like 15 because it was the only show he could find that was all ages. And this kid wanted to be a comic.

He's 15 and he came down and then we had him open as this he was a kid comic and he had kid jokes and he was really funny. And now he's like 25 or something. Still funny. 23. Fucking hilarious. Good. Really good.

Because I'm wondering where he learned the spurting cock from. That's a lot of younger kids get exploited. He's a complete geek act. That's what he plays up. Okay. Pasty with glasses. Right. No, good.

Uses what he has. A peg leg is always funny. So I'm like, hey, Mace, this is your first tattoo. This guy's gonna tattoo whatever you put on him because if he put that fucking dumb Jets thing that I scrawled in

a drunken... I don't know that... I bet that guy does not tattoo that spurting dick pic. Well, if you're listening, send us your dick pics. Well, here's the Jets. As you can see,

we'll put it in the show notes. Wow, he really got that tattooed. That's a tattoo. That's where the bandage was later. And you can see Doug's signature. Look at Doug's. Doug's like... Horrendously.

Yeah, like he used one of those ones that make big posters for cheerleading. First of all, it's hard to sign skin. Yes. And it fucks up your Sharpie because of the oil on the skin. Now you try to sign a CD or a DVD and it's just all fucking smudgy because... So yeah, there's the dick pic. That's a great... He should definitely get that.

He should do like comic books or, like those adult novellas. Yeah. That's really good, though. Maybe he does. I'm still a Jets fan. Chaley and I, we had a guy we know through Radley Balco. Fantastic author. I haven't read his new book yet.

Fuck, where is that book anyway uh yeah someone we met with him gave us winnipeg jets game five it was the one they lost right but still you were at the game we were here watching it for a while yeah we went for the first uh quarter yeah you can't smoke you thing you can't really see the game. But we timed it perfectly to go get food and go to the bathroom, like where we knew everyone would either be standing or when no one would be in, like where the food concessions were, which was during the National Anthem.

We saw the only goal that Winnipeg scored and left. Was that we left for the Depression. That was a Canadian anthem you left for. Oh, no. They were both anthems. We sat out eating hot dogs. They do them back to back. Well, no, that's American.

Yeah. Giant hot dogs. Yeah. Commerce. Fucking 18-inch fucking hot dogs. Really? Yeah. Go ahead.

Make a porn joke. No, I'm not at all. There's a guy with a tattoo like that. And so, yeah. Fuck. I can't remember his name. He's a Golden Knights fan. This is the problem.

He's like, hey. Is it Drew? Drew Johnson. It's Johnson. Yeah, and Sarah. Yeah, Sarah. I remember Sarah. Rawr,. Yeah, and Sarah. Yeah, Sarah. I remember Sarah. They said, hey, sorry you're playing in Winnipeg.

I get two extra tickets for the game. You won't be sitting with us, which is perfect, because I don't want to have to fucking talk in a hangover. It's a 2 p.m. game, so our show's at night. So we show up. Hey, we'll meet you at this bar right near the stadium. Forgetting they're from Vegas.

So they show up in gold lame glitter. Gold nights. Everyone else in the fucking bar is Winnipeg Jets. The town is white out. That is their thing. Everyone wears white. Chaley and I just took fucking bathrobes.

We didn't have white. We dress in colors. So we took the bathrobes from the hotel and wore white. There you go. He's showing you pictures. This is why we eventually were going to do this video. That's me during the next lamp. And they show up at this bar.

Fortunately, it's Canada where everyone's really nice. Because otherwise, they've gotten beaten fucking down. Senseless. There were four people in the stands that were not wearing white. It was these two. And Tommy Walker in his white. And Tommy Walker in his white. Oh, my God.

That was it. Seriously. That's hysterical. That's the whole stadium right there. And it is white. And everywhere else that no one's sitting at yet had a white towel. So even if you weren't wearing white, you could be wearing white, right? Oh, we got to sell these.

We got these towels that were handed out. We are Winnipeg white towels. We're going to sell those on the eBay yard sale. I have the tickets, too, from the game as well. Losers. Loser pegs. Loser pegs. It was fun going, though. I've never been to a playoff.

Anything. I guarantee. We were a little jealous, but we were actually back here at the funhouse. We only did it to make you jealous. Not you. Tracy specifically. Tracy, we were already planning it. What did we do? We did

meatballs and mimosas. That's right. Meatballs and mimosas. What a great promotion. It sounded like we were in a K-105. Come on down to the car lot. We're doing meatballs and mimosas. Drew and the beaver. Jordan 47. Boink, boink.

It was very funny because it was a great game and we won. Drew and the beaver. Jordan 4-7. Boink, boink. Yeah. But it was very funny because it was a great game and we won. By the third period, we were back at the hotel with dinner. I had people at the Winnipeg show because I just broke into – I'd been drinking all day, of course, and I just broke into this crying jag of how bad it is that we have nothing here i've only lived in winnipeg here for two days and all we have is the jets and they they let us down and i just went into and there were people flipping me off i didn't know this because the

lights in your face right the owner afterwards there were people standing up and flipping me off. And he had to go over and go, you know he can't see you. It was a small club, you know? So it was like, he probably could have, but it was like so spread out. But it was one of those things where like it was intimate where it could have gotten ugly. Really? But I didn't know. He had no idea.

Ignorance is five-tenths of the law. I don't know what that means. That's about right. And blistics. Tracy, give me a cigarette. But that was fun. Thank you, Drew and Sarah. Fucking Canada is so good all the time.

How do you like playing Canada? It's fucking great, except for London, Ontario, which I just hate the venue. But it wasn't. I mean, JT Haversat showed up with that other kid. And Jane Piper was getting. Oh, she's crazy as shit. I've been arrested three times in the last week.

Oh, my gosh. For what? I don't know. There's only two laws in Canada. No, that's what I was going to ask. They made a new one just to arrest her again? She wasn't a Vegas fan, was she? She brought me to a bar.

I go, well, I'll take you out. She wanted to come to Toronto. I go, it's sold out. Which, well, can I sneak in with you? First of all, yeah, if you're a comic, I know as much as I harp on the, when it says sold out, that means there's no more room. There's no more seats. I can't create more seats. We've been over this. The fire marshal tells us that.

we've been over this the fire marshal is a comedian that's a friend of yours and she's been on the podcast talking about her fucking brutal rape uh we'll get you in well yeah you can hang out in the green room but when i'm playing a room the size of toronto i need to focus i don't need a bunch of fucking old friends to chat with in the fucking green room. So no, it's sold out. Come to London. It's not sold out. It's never sold out. It stinks.

Come down there and I'll hang out with you. I'll take you to dinner. And so when she emails me, I go, well, I actually already ate, but I'll take you to wherever you want to go to eat. I'll take you. I'll watch you eat. She brought me to this fucking craft beer bar. I said that on stage.

I go, this is the only bar I've ever been to where I go, this bar is so bad. I need to be drunk to be in this bar. Yeah, you have to show up already full. This is fucking, whatever. Give me as much alcohol because this bar sucks so bad. And the last time we were there, you thought you were going to go to Spaghetti Eddie's again, which is right next to the gig.

Spaghetti Eddie's are great. It's right in an alley next to the green where you sneak into the green room. Perfect. And then he gets hijacked and he has to go to this. It's a little bit bigger than the Bird House, but that kind of atmosphere of a Spaghetti Eddie's. It's like the bit bigger than the birdhouse, but that kind of atmosphere of a spaghetti eddy is like really dark.

It's like the birdhouse serves spaghetti. Yeah. It's fucking dark. You got an ice cream scoop? There you go. Next. Yeah. Instead, we went to a fucking craft beer bar where everyone was so bored.

Uh-oh. Shots going round. Shooter. Not for me. New shooter. That was fun. Even JT Habersat and his buddy, they paid to get in. Oh, yeah.

No, but I would. No, everyone does. You know, anytime you go to a show, you pay for the ticket. I don't get it. I don't get why. Can I get free? I go, are you my friend? Because strangers have to pay.

Yeah. But my friends, I thought, would pay first. I put that up on my website probably 15 years ago let's like listen i'm too old to know people who don't have 20 bucks yeah and that's what the rate was back then for a ticket i could because people that you comp in they think it's a social occasion. No, this is still my job. I need to focus. Right.

And when I'm going over a set list. For a show like that. So what's going on with bingo? How's the thing? It's like a radio interview before your show. How did you start doing comedy? It's like I'm a little busy trying to prepare for it, but you'll see how it ends.

Then you get one person that gets there early, and then someone comes in later, and then it's the same round of questions. And that's why we started doing, if you're not a comic, you can't be backstage, which is what I was doing at Toronto. Well, London, it turned out that way, but JT still paid. But this was about comics. I did this about comics. They're worth. way but jt still paid comics i did this about comics because there were a million comics and they act like yeah in my early days i just had a set and i would say that set before people were coming just to see me when they're coming to see me now i have to work that's where the whole

business changed when they're coming to see comedy it was easy when they're coming to see me now i have to work yeah that's where the whole business changed when they're coming to see comedy it was easy when they're coming to see me i have to have new shit did i do this last time i was here all that and then they're like yeah party remember last time jagermeister yellow rose in austin titties yeah it kind of changed that's what my pay grade went up. I went up with it. But also, it's... I'm fucking responsible. Can you look out there and see a room full of people and say, I don't want to let them down.

I'd rather let you down right now. And if you can't figure that out, go talk to them after the show. Because they'll know if you bothered me until I ruined the show. It'll be me and you at the merch booth. You did explain that a couple times. It was a fucking... Canada's always great. And Hennigan, of whatever, eight cities we did,

he got us in airport hotels. And whatever. It was a bunch of airport where we're literally in the airport, the hotel. So we'd walk 20 yards and there's a Wendy's 24 hours and there's a sushi place

that's open for lunch. There's multiple things in Canadian airports. I fucking love airports. It's different though because there's free baggage carriers the the carts yeah that helps because you take it right to the fucking hotel you don't have to get out on this they're all free and take it back and they take it back you're better yeah but then the uh the the selection of food that's down in the it's more like a mall i was down there one day and there was an

entire preschool daycare center that brought kids to the airport on a scavenger hunt. On an Easter egg hunt. There's four kids per adult. Don't they know that's where shootings happen? That's where abductions happen.

There are planes leaving with kids on them. Your kid was was here but now he's in newark chaley and i would walk around just randomly just all through the airport on the other side of security but there's plenty of stuff so we just take these long walks which chaley counted his steps on his thing, 4,500 steps today. And then I'd go, oh, I took 25 steps up the stairs. I didn't use the escalator when I went down to smoke outside. I took 25 steps up.

But, yeah, it was fucking great. It was a game changer on being able to relax in between. And, I mean, we had a rental car for four days, and it wasn't that bad. It was weird going from Toronto to London back to Toronto, but then we got to the West. Once we get to the West, we're going to be fine. Uh-oh. Brian, the filthy fucking uncut fucking haphazard Scotsman. It gets longer.

Books an entire UK tour, but doesn't think to get my fucking UK work visa. Oh, do you need that? You've never been to the UK before, right? that well you've never been to the uk before right in his defense i've been doing international from southeast asia to australia you have to give them your passport for them to fucking approve you and then send your passport back well i need my passport to work fucking Dang Wang and fucking Zing Zong and fucking Vietnam and Hong Kong and then Australia. I didn't have enough time. So he got this

thing where yeah, for $1,600 and change I could go to Toronto and apply for the visa and then they go oh, well no, there's no proof you're here legally. To get it in Canada, you have to prove you're here legally.

So you're in Canada, and you have to prove you're in Canada. But I don't need a work visa to play Canada. They have an artist exemption. And they're like, oh, I don't even fucking want to go into this story. But the fact is. Doug's document was basically Epstein's mother's notes on Welcome Back, Cotter. It was, I'm working at this place, signed. And it was.

Epstein's mother. Yeah. But it was one of those things where, hold on a second. We're in Toronto. We're there for the night, the same night we get there. We've got a show. Two days. And then we, the next day. Yes. the next day you go early in the morning.

I have two days in Toronto, and that's why Hennigan pays $1,600 for this express service where I'm going to get the shit back the next day. Boom. Done. Well, if it doesn't come back the next day, it'll be here Tuesday, because it's their long weekend. The weekend before our Memorial Day is there. That's their Memorial Day.

I go, well, I won't be here. And I don't even fucking want to get in. Anyway, my fucking passport was missing for five days until I finally called the U.S. Can you leave Canada without your passport? Yeah. Well, they gave me three options. Because that's the key, rightcky and becker are here you were here when fucking we got our passports stolen in costa rica yeah and i had to fucking go to san jose you have money yeah unlike my fans you need a fucking free pass

you can loan me money so we could go back into the capital to get an emergency passport. I had that set up, but the passport did come in at the last minute. Because I had two days off to come back here, unpack, do laundry, repack, and get the fuck out to go to the UK. Wait a minute. We left Toronto never going back with no passport in hand. He has no passport. He has no visa. And that's a whole other can of worms.

And then we've got five more dates, six more dates to be in Vancouver, where then we find out that he was supposed to put this slip of paper in there that releases the passport to someone other than Doug Stanhope. So now we've got that to deal with. And the whole time is just stressful, just trying to figure out, is this going to be there? No one's answering the phone at the $1,600 place?

We thought once we get out of Toronto, it's gold. It's West Coast. It's like doing fucking Montana and Wyoming. Yeah, where they laugh and everything. They're just happy to be outside. It's a fucking sweet ride. We get to Vancouver.

We got the passport and then everything's fine. Except for there's no Uber. Really? There's no fucking Uber in a town that's supposed to be progressive like Vancouver. And Bisbee. Well, there's no one really going anywhere in Bisbee. There's no need, but up there. Well, Doug and I were talking about this,

because we forget how much we rely on Uber when you go out there. And it was just a short time ago that we did this thing where we waited for someone to have to be dropped off near us that wanted to be picked up. And we were right fucking back in it. Winnipeg had an app that you can download that didn't fucking work. And then Vancouver, we were just fucking waiting.

And then you're doing that thing where like, if I fucking, like Henry Phillips movie. Which corner should we stand at? And then there's other people standing at that corner and they're racing to the thing. Wait, did you just call? Am I sending another cab out there? Are you on Belmont? It's like the beginning of

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. It's your clip from Henry Phillips' second movie That's you And I'm looking at the thing and I'm thinking Oh man, if they just had an app Wait a minute, Uber's already doing it Why don't you just fucking copy Uber's app

Exactly That's what I'm doing But what they do is, their technology is When you call them the second time They say say, hey, do you want to go? And they repeat the last place you went. Aren't I there? Yeah. This is where you fucking dropped me.

Would you like to go to where you're at? $6. $6. I'm already there. So bad. But it's Canadian. As much as I love Canada, yeah, I can find something to complain about. It's not Canada's fault.

No, it's Vancouver's fault. It's fun to drink with white people, you got to admit. Hey, Roseanne Barr. Oh, should we get into that after? Because we're at the 20-minute mark, so we should take a break. Maybe we get into that, and then we get into you guys blowing up fucking shit with heavy explosives i bailed out becky becker bailed out jaylee bailed out the rest of us did not bail out all right please hold hey ogden utah are you hungry for pizza for pizzas? Pizzas! Pizzas! Then you better run your ass down

to Pizza Runners. 3017 Harrison Boulevard, right here in North Ogden. Run your motherfucking ass down. We have the best pizza. We have vegetarian pizza. Vegetarian pizza! Pepperoni pizza!

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Why don't you have a meatball grinder? Ask Juanita. She makes them by her fucking self. She's the hot one. Kirsten would recommend the jalapeno cheese sticks, but what does she know? They want a fucking pizza. It's Saturday night. Let's get out there.

Give us a call right now at 801-394-4265. 801-394-4265. 8010-4-4-2-6-5. And don't even try blocking your fucking number, because we're going to know that you're a 13-year-old kid ordering these to the neighbor's house, you motherfucker. I know where you live! Pizza Runner 3017 Harrison Boulevard, North Ogden, waiting for your call now.

We're family friendly. Ogden waiting for your call now. We're family friendly. Mm-hmm. I like biscuits and mustard. I also like the Doug Stanhope podcast. Mm-hmm. No, let's fucking go. What are we doing?

Let's go with fucking explosives. Okay. You don't know if they're Jonathan's or Phil's. Yeah, exactly. Okay, we're rolling. All right, here we are. The fucking Beckers and the Jobies and the Jonathans and... Everyone but me and Mrs. Becker and the fucking Chalys.

You went to do what? You went to fucking explode things. You're a fucking Brit that just got acclimated to guns in America. You came here to work some fucking horrible international banker shit up in silicon valley and now you're you're loaded with guns and explosives yeah so one of the great things about your fantastic country is not only can you get bored and just decide to go and buy a gun um but you can also get things which uh joey introduced me to because he's a bit of a redneck, which are exploding targets, which basically means that you can just get on the Internet and have 60 pounds of high explosive delivered to your door.

And then you mix those up, take them down the range, and they make quite a pop, don't they, Matt? They were quite impressive. Did you guys take some video or anything? Yeah, we have some video. Great. And I will tell you, the first one we did was kind of a smoke bomb, and we realized we probably didn't mix it right

and then the second we did that got us back in the groove of I wonder if Douglas is going to call the cops so you get an A part and a B part and you mix the components and then put it out there and run fast?

A Ziploc bag, no. It doesn't blow up until it needs a bullet to go in it. All right. Got it. Yeah, and the big ones, they were like five pounds, and by God, they went off. But you need a pretty quick bullet, so we were using JB's sort of galactic- As opposed to the slow bullets. No, but I mean, like, the bigger ones,

you have to have a high-velocity bullet to set it off. So you don't have to worry about it blowing up while you're walking it out there. That's what I'd be afraid of. Well, I'll tell you what. When it went off the first time we went, that's a pretty damn good explosive considering a mailman delivered it.

I mean, that was on your porch. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, FedEx just left it there, 60 pounds of high explosives. But I was wondering whether the FBI had turned up because some foreigners just started 60 pounds of high explosives. But no, does that bother anyone? I can't believe you could get a gun. And then you get explosives in the mail. And then you're fleeing like they're looking for you.

It's the gateway. The gun was the gateway to the explosives. He comes to Bisbee how long ago? Eight months? Ten months ago. Ten months ago he comes here to get rid of his fucking London athlete's foot. Which is uncurable. But luckily it's cured because it's dry here.

And then he's buying guns and explosives. I've lived here my whole life. I was in Alaska where we kill beavers with dynamite, and all of a sudden you're topping me. Beavers were asking for it. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, we've been planning it with Joby for a few weeks. I'd ordered these targets.

And like I said, I'm just coming to the end of my 10-month vacation in Bisbee. So it's a bit of a sort of leaving shooting party. There was a little tear like an Indian running down his hair. He's like, this is so much fun. I go, enjoy Silicon Valley. Yeah, back to the Bay Area, which is god-awful. Iron eyes, Jonathan. But, yeah, exploding awful. Ironized Jonathan. But yeah, Exploding

Targets. Fantastic fun. So that range, I've never been out there, but that's isn't that where we shot the thing, or Bingo shot the watermelons, Doug? Oh, this is something that I would get into, but it would

go in a bad direction. Brendan Walsh, fresh off of his mental breakdown, was out there shooting things with Joby and screaming horrifically inappropriate things as he shot giant cans of nacho cheese sauce, which made the people in the shooting range next to us. The shooting range here is just outdoor desert. It's like campsites with nothing

except for things other people shot. There's destroyed TVs. I thought it was organized. I didn't bring beer because I go, oh, the people running it will probably not let it. We there there's a free for fuck it all you're running it i have no beer i'm like why did i bring beer they're like i don't know why you didn't it's fucking lawless there's no rules the end of the boardwalk and i don't know why i went to the dump i could have taken my water heater to there just shot the shit out of it said not mine see it's

targets yeah we were sort of expecting the police to turn up because they were loud the loud yeah water heater to there. Just shot the shit out of it. Said, not mine. See, it's targets. Yeah. We were sort of expecting the police to turn up because they were loud. They're loud, yeah. And they didn't, but as we were planning, we thought, well, if the police turn up or the sheriffs, you know what it's like here. It's just, yeah, we've got some exploding targets.

Do you want to go? Yeah, and they would be like, okay. Problem solved. All right, don't do it again. That's where, a couple months ago, that's where someone... Until it's my turn. Someone was shooting cows out there, and then there was a little heat on the area.

So, you're right to kind of take a measured step. Don't blow off the biggest one first, right? Yeah, no. It was a lot louder, we have to admit, than we expected. i've gone out with joey like my niece used to come out and we'd take her out she was like 15 or something and let her shoot guns

and drive a car i was trying to be that good abusive uncle and uh so yeah she'd go out there and i would always hide in the car because I'd hear the ricochets of the back rocks. And I'd go, I'm going to hide in the back seat of the fucking Suburban. No, I don't like the explosions. I'm not a fan, unless I'm drunk. No, and that was my problem. I'm like, do you want to shoot?

And I go, no, I'm sober. You don't shoot a gun when you're sober. What am I, in a convenience store? I get nothing else, but we've got to mention Chad Shank t-shirts. Yeah. Chad Shank t-shirts are finally for sale. Chad Shank diplomat t-shirts. Go to, where do they go?

DougStanhope.com merch page. And. It's DougStanhope.com slash store. But it's on the, just go to the website and you can find it. Yeah, fucking figure it out. We also have the beard one with the definition on the back. Are we announcing the, no. What? Let's announce it fuck do it all right pop-up vodka presents now you can get hard copies of that because all of

you fucking weirdos with your vinyl i'm gonna do this on vinyl. You know what? We're going to fucking cut in front of you in line, and we have only 500 copies on VHS. That's the only hard copy you're going to get is VHS. Or don't. I don't give a shit. It's funny to me, and if it's not funny to you, don't buy it. Eat a cock. Get your limited edition Papa-Up Vodka Presents.

That clip. Just the clip. And it's just the 20-minute chunk of Pop-Up Vodka Presents. Because we already put this out on Vimeo, I guess. I don't know how shit works. You know me. For download. Yeah.

So it's only the 20-minute chunk. Not that you have a VHS player. But if you do, I don't want to hear your cunty remarks. Oh, it's not the full hour. It's just the 20 minutes of Pop-Up Vodka Presents. Well, the whole point is we're trying to get them to sue us. And if they do, I don't want you to lose the other two really good bits that are China and bingo at Canadian customs, which I was very afraid. That's why we didn't do Halifax in Canada, because that whole bit is now out on the Internet where I'm mocking the customs people in Halifax who probably caught wind of the fact it's a small place.

You make fun of a fucking small group of... If I lived in Halifax, I would Google Halifax on a regular basis. Someone has a friend that works Halifax customs where I did mock them to a very serious degree. Why are you checking my bag for drugs when you should be checking my nose? There's a whole lot of cocaine still stuck in my egregious nose hairs. But you didn't check my nose, you checked my bag. It goes on and on. But yeah, that's why we did not play Halifax this time.

Another example of a bit you won't hear on the VHS tape. We're doing the ad for the VHS tape still. Yeah, so there's only 500. They're signed, and there's no more. They're hand-signed. Yeah. The best kind of signing is by your hand. So no Betamax.

No, we're going to try. We just don't know where to get them copied. This took long enough just to get these copied. There's only one person in the country. The guys from Black Pussy actually hooked me up with the guy in Iowa that does these. And there was a two-month break because he was trying to find the tapes, and then he had to go to spring break.

Older gentleman, is he? So it's been a while. But yeah. This is not fame. The Audible version, where we did it just like the first book, Digging Up Mother, where there's a whole lot of Becker and Chaley and Brandon Walsh and Andy Andrist all chiming in with their bonus footage of stories that I wrote in the book, the parts I didn't remember, so get that. And bingos will be coming out soon on Audible

as soon as Chaley relaxes enough and he can figure out the paperwork. So, yeah, that's a fucking podcast. I got to go to the UK. Please see me there because I probably won't be back. Everyone says, I want to see you before you die. And you go, why don't you see me before I quit? Because I think that's going to happen way sooner than the dead thing. says, I want to see you before you die. And you go, why don't you see me before I quit?

Because I think that's going to happen way sooner than the dead thing. I'm just done with it. Hey, let's do that, the Winnipeg where you do a rant on stage, the night they lost. Oh, yeah, yeah. Play that Winnipeg ranting about, it's probably not funny now. It seemed funny at the time.

Well, we can burn it because you never... Yeah, it's not keeper material. So fuck it. Play that. Play that on the way out, Chaley. Jonathan, we can't wait to see you back. Matt Becker, I'm sorry that you were being forced to... I was trying to make up something funny. I had nothing.

Give him a plug. Near the Wild podcast. We're going to do the unboxing. Yeah, we're doing the unboxing. I've never been invited to that podcast. Well, once you're funnier, you'll get on. Yeah, keep trying. We got Matt Bragoo tomorrow, I think.

Oh, do we? Yeah, yeah. We're trying to figure out how to get some kind of bonus thing on the Doug Stanoff Celebrity Death Pool for, since it took off the Me Too thing, people are going, why don't you have a Me Too

Who's Next thing? And I always assumed it was over. And it just keeps fucking going. So we're trying to figure out how to get on the Doug Stanoff celebrity death pool and we're going to try to have some kind of weird like an exotic

bet like a Super Bowl just pick who do you think is next because I got three people yeah we talked about maybe get a t-shirt away or something you know if you get a you know some kind of diddler but yeah George W. Bush, H.W. Bush is going to die soon and he

smacked a bunch of chicks on the ass. Yeah, if you get a fucking Me Too and a death at the same time. There's a way to do this, but I don't have time. I'm home for fucking two days to unpack, do laundry, repack, go to the UK and then I retire from

comedy forever. This time, I mean it. Seriously. Except for that King of Thailand thing. Hey, you bought a new scooter. Hey, don't fucking bring up what I did drunk. Play the clip. Sorry, I looked up some reviews of this club.

I know I've been here, but I was bored. I looked up some reviews. And of course, I only look at the one-star reviews. Someone said, you have to crane your neck. And I just saw you craning your neck. So I'll lean in for you at the long tables. I'm as shook up as anyone about the fucking Winnipeg Jets. Why can't we win anything in this fucking city?

Why not us? What a fucking time! What does Vegas even need? They don't care. Oh, hey, the Golden Knights, they won the fucking, they're going to the fucking championship. The guy's sitting there with his face

in a fucking beautifully shaved beaver in a VIP room. Oh, it's a good thing. What do we have? Overgrown beavers and fucking terrible winters. Why did I ever move here for a day? There's no God. There's no Jesus Christ.

It's all we have. It's Winnipeg jets and filth and tumbleweeds and shit. They have everything. We're going to build a fake pyramid hotel here.