The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #284: Andy Andrist Follows The Blood Trail

Episode Date: November 7, 2018

Andy shows up unannounced and Doug is tickled. Andy tries his best to stay on track while detailing his many college enrollments, Grandma's mauling and how he spends a typical day. Also, CastleRock Kenny is forced to read an apology.The "30 Days in the Hole" ReHab Trailers are for sale, a 1963 Oasis ([https://sierravista.craigslist.org/tro/d/1963-oasis/6720450489.html](https://sierravista.craigslist.org/tro/d/1963-oasis/6720450489.html)) and 1964 Nomad ([https://sierravista.craigslist.org/tro/d/1964-nomad/6720450906.html](https://sierravista.craigslist.org/tro/d/1964-nomad/6720450906.html)).Email your questions for the podcast to [e-mail] Oct. 29th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Andy Andrist (@andyandrist), Hennigan (@MrHennigan), Kenny (@cstlrckkenny), Chad Shank (HDFatty), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by ChailleThis episode is sponsored by[LiftMode.com](http://www.LiftMode.com) – Liftmode L-Theanine capsules and dozens of other supplements are available on Amazon, Walmart and Liftmode.com. Use coupon code STANHOPE to save 20% off your first order. MyBookie.ag - Log onto MyBookie.ag right now and double your money. Use promo code STANHOPE and you’ll get your first deposit matched 100 percent. You must use promo code STANHOPE . You play, you win, you get paid. [CWHEMP.com](http://www.CWHEMP.com) - CHARLOTTE’S WEB HEMP EXTRACT – either in oils or capsules is a simple way to upgrade your day. CHARLOTTE’S WEB is offering a unique offer to our listeners. Go to [CWHemp.com](http://www.CWHEMP.com) and enter promo code STANHOPE at checkout to get 10% off your order. Some exclusions apply, see website for details.[PricelessPillow.com](http://www.PricelessPillow.com) – The most comfortable pillow you will ever sleep on. Log on to www.PricelessPillows.com and use the promo code STANHOPE for 30% off your purchase. [Twitch.tv](http://www.Twitch.tv) - Interact with Chad Shank while he tries to conquer video games. Go to Twitch.tv, search @HD_Fatty and subscribe. If you have an Amazon Prime account it's free. Instructions are pinned up top on Chad's Twitch page. We like what they are doing over at [FIRRP.org](http://www.FIRRP.org) - Check it out Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org)Closing song, “Warshin' My Big 'Ol Pussy”. Written by Birdcloud and performed by The Mattoid.( Royalty Free Music used in spots )LIFTMODE – Track Name: "Swanky Town" Music By: Jay Man @ [https://ourmusicbox.com/](https://ourmusicbox.com/) Music promoted by NCM [https://goo.gl/fh3rEJ](https://goo.gl/fh3rEJ)CWHemp - Track Name: “Inner Peace” by Mike Chino (Royalty Free Music) [http://bit.ly/2Rz0uMC](http://bit.ly/2Rz0uMC)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Andy, Andrew showed up. No call, no forewarning. He texted me. I woke up, I get a text from Andy saying, mimicking Mishka. What's the line? I'd have to get my phone. Well, it's Mishka's, though.

I hate to be there. I hate to ask, but I need lodging. I'll be in Bisbee. I didn't know if he's fucking with me, so then I checked another text from Christine Levine going, Andy says he wants me to give him a ride down, but I don't know if you know he's coming. Is this okay? I'm like, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, it's okay.

Made me fucking giddy. When I announced that Andy was coming down, all of Football Sunday fucking blew up like, yeah. And I felt unamused. It's been whittled down to about six folks now. Yeah. And I felt that amusing. But it's been whittled down to about six folks now. I happened to be picking up my motorcycle next door, and as I was pulling off, my phone rang, and Stan hoped,

and so I thought he heard me leaving. And he's like, you got to be around tomorrow. I'm like, I'm around right now. I'm outside your gate, stupid. Come in. So I come in, and then fucking Andrus comes walking around the corner, the lit joint to hand to me. What a greeting.

Yeah. There were people who didn't know Andrus, and they're all like, oh, my God, what's about to happen? Because I said, Andy's coming, and then and then someone said oh that means we're going to be fucked up today and then someone else said and fucked up tonight and then neighbor dave from a distance went and tomorrow morning and and it's not completely inaccurate it's panning out sort of a little bit i mean they were in the middle of day drinking. We did, we've been nominal. Yeah, actually pretty easy.

We're having seasonal punch, but I can't say when. It's just, it's seasonal punch, though, and it's perfect. Not too hot, not too cold. Andy's referring to my preference over a mimosa of the autumosa, which is the only time you get actual real apple cider here in the fall. So I call them autumosas

because it's clever. And we're drinking those. Pumpkin pie spice latte. I thought he was calling it seasonal punch because you told him to make the podcast evergreen. Yeah, that's what I was doing. I know. He might be a little seasonal punchy, if you know what I mean.

I thought I missed the joke. Sorry. He's evergreen in the punchy department. The way I always describe Andy is he'll tell you a story that's benign, and then in the middle of it, he killed someone with his car, but he skips past that as though that's just a segue into how he shopped for paper towels. Wait, you said you killed someone with your car. Yeah, yeah, but that was just...

But the paper towel thing, like, I'm not going to pay for paper towels. It was like they were wet and they were all stuck together. So I went back to the supermarket. No, the guy you killed with the car. Yeah, he's a jogger, I think. It's like the one when my grandma got mauled by a tiger at Pony Village. It's like a wildlife safari was there doing photos. And I was embarrassed because I think my mom fell on the way in and my dad was in a wheelchair.

So already I'm at a disadvantage. And then grandma goes in. They have pictures with a tiger i go wander up the mall and then i come back and there's a blood trail and my dad's sitting there all embarrassed and and uh and i go where'd grandma go and he goes she got she got mauled by a tiger well that tiger yeah and then uh and then he and i go where'd she go and he goes we'll follow the blood trail and uh so i did and then i get back there and and this is why my family has never gotten over the hump grandma's in the back this is our pretty big break uh she got mauled by a tiger inside of an emporium clothing store at the mall and uh and we're finally to get that new car. And then she's loudly going, don't worry, I would never sue anyone.

There we go. We're screwed. I know you've already told that story on a podcast. It doesn't matter because it's fucking great every time. Fucking reruns. The greatest hits. Point being is that Andy showed up after I've explained. I used that to describe

andy about how he yes so he's sitting there i don't even know what fucking boring thing he's talking about but it's still funny because it's andy saying it and at some point he goes yeah and then when i was in the greyhound station you watch watching a guy wash his dick in the sink and then he skips right past that. The most interesting part. But that was Phoenix, so I thought maybe it was just a random point. Oh, yeah, like there was a Taco Bell you turned right at. Oh, yeah, of course there was.

I was close cleaning. Am I going to clean my teeth? Well, the point is, the story had nothing to do with a guy washing his dick in a sink in a Greyhound bus station. I don't know why you were on a Greyhound bus. I don't even know why you were here at this point. He started a story yesterday with something about somebody needing a cleansing prostitute.

That's at the beginning of the story. And I'm like, you can't start like that. I need backstory. First, I need to know what the fuck that means. I need to know what happened in this fellow's life before he needed a cleansing prostitute i thought that was like a glass coffee table or something like that that everybody just knows a cleveland steamer or whatever uh so yeah cleansing all right anyway uh yeah well yeah that's so that somebody was my neighbor and i ran him out after the lead though

yeah yeah yeah burying the lead that's wow yeah and now we're supposed to do a podcast and big boy oh big boy small boy all right all right uh i'll put a slide up for a little bit here if you guys take your pills so are these daytimes or 90s this is daytime oh really thank you let me know when you want to go back to life. I'm taking the whole thing because I'm greedy. How many CCs again? I'm not good with math. Right back where it goes. Nine times nine is eight times... I know that I'm in good company whenever the only specifics that you need is,

is this daytime or nighttime? I don't need to know milligrams or specific names. I need a new drug. Am I going up or down? I think it was elevator stuck. That was talking the other night about 2CB. Oh, And I think you called it IED or something. Yeah. I didn't sound like IED or... I was drunk, and I just knew it was letters and numbers. I just made something up.

Go get yourself a... Well, I'll get you a drink. I'm going to do one more of these because that's how selfish... I mean, it's awful. It's open. I mean, I know... Where's our goddamn bartender, Jaylee?

Where's Mrs... She's not feeling good, so... Oh, jeez. Where's our goddamn bartender, Jaylee? Where's Mrs.? She's not feeling good, so. Oh, jeez. Did she call in? She called in. This is the third time this month. So why were you, was this this trip you took a Greyhound bus? Yeah, it was just like, I was doing a bunch of Southwest flight cancellations.

Andy, Andy, we're on the mic here. Oh, we are? Yeah. Oh, okay. So I was just, I had a I was just going to come out here. I knew that. And then I had some other trip tagged on, and then I just started, you know, I was like, you start kind of like losing track to the details of travel

when you just go, oh, 98 bucks, and that's not that far. So I'll just get there. And I like doing kind of figuring out how to get there on my own and everything. Well, you flew most of the way to Arizona. Yeah. And then you took a bus. Well, I just flew into Phoenix instead of Tucson because as I was dumping other flights, it was like I saw a good price and it was last minute.

So, I mean, I planned the trip. I just forgot to get a ticket. What's the planning part? You planned to get a ticket. Thinking, I don't want to be home for fucking halloween around this lady again i'm gonna get out and go uh no i come out here because it's you know of the shaley oh this isn't any time of the year though but you said you said you haven't been here since farts fest and i would have said i think he was here a few months ago but yeah i think it's because we saw each other a bunch that we toured.

You know, we were on the road, and all of us saw each other in between. We had my birthday a couple years ago. Yeah, last year we were all at a ball game together. Yeah, lug nuts. Oh, yeah, that's right. Kalamazoo. I caught a fly ball right in front of the Cubs, and they all asked me what I signed.

I played with them for a bit. Look, they didn't even make it to the series. Yeah, no, it hit my arm, right? Pills. No pills. Yeah, we talked about it. Rerun. This is the greatest.

It's like a clip show. Let's do a clip show. Hey, like Big Jay Oakerson, The Bonfire. Please watch that. That's not even a maybe even i don't even know that that's not a sponsor that reminds me of the time on the man show that uh what do you want to talk about douglas oh boy i was just waiting for you to tell me about the guy washing his dick in his sink oh well, well, he was just, he was a kind of, I would say,

I don't know, a juggalo, but he had his feet were all tatted, and he was cleaning himself, a teabag in the counter. I had to clean my teeth because I had the deep cleaning, so I have to rinse and be real thorough, and I'd prefer more sanitary. But that's why I was like, fuck it, I got like four hours at this place because I didn't think any of this shit through. And there I am at Phoenix, and there's nothing around that place either. So that was pretty much all I had to do was watch that guy wash his dick.

And after a half hour, I couldn't come, so I left. There's never anything next to a Greyhound bus station. I know. You know how you can tell if you should kill yourself or not? Take a bus somewhere where your family lives, and if it takes them more than 20 minutes to get you, just find a place and kill yourself, because you're not lovable.

We've talked a lot about doing the Unbookables 3, Part 3, and never do Part 2. The hidden chapter. But to really fuck with Inman. Inman did The Greyhound Diaries. You remember that? Oh, yeah. It was really actually pretty good.

It was like a slideshow with all of his written diatribes from years he spent on fucking. Here comes Hannigan with some color. So after my success in bringing you to the UK, and we're not talking about you, Doug Stanhope, obviously not Andy Andrist. Yeah, you still got it in your book. Not even if it would save me from dying.

So you're refusing the AIDS treatments too if the AIDS treatment is putting you on a cruise ship because I wouldn't fly you then yes but the point is I showed some friends because they were like oh you know about this comedy shit now because your dog's down and he's like and you're bringing Jamesames inman over yeah yeah in my wake yeah and so uh yeah he's trying to solve you know what's it called wakeboard your fame and uh uh they said oh have

you got anything you can show us of this forthcoming comedian and i said oh actually i've got this stuff that i thought was quite good it's theound Diary. He'd produced this sort of... One-man show, basically. Yeah, but he did a sort of slideshow of it, which is like a... It was like a sort of CD-ROM, I think it was called in those days. And you could...

It was like him doing the bit without an audience and with photographs, okay? And so I put it on for these good friends of mine. And after 10 minutes of they just went can you stop this please and like not in a sort of aggressive way just like they just like can you can you stop this please and that was it and they sort of pretended that i hadn't in a very uk way yeah yeah you're

very sort of like but they were clearly deeply upset. Eight pints later, they'd have been glassing the television. Get this shite off the fucking table. Anyway, that's the Greyhound Diary thing. Thank you. Well, I remembered it as being, for Inman, it was, they put something together other than weatherman jokes. Go ahead. Yeah, I mean it was actually had

structure and a narrative yeah yeah sometimes when i hear this though aren't you are you're you're mad at yourself because you didn't vet it better than just didn't you bring him over on we well we already talked about a few podcasts ago about hennigan how hennigan was gonna tell all the press in the uk that James Inman is a character just to watch him snap during interviews, which is still a great idea. It's still a great idea. My idea is, just now,

Unbookables 3, The Greyhound Diaries, where we all take the Greyhound bus from gig to gig and podcast from it. To steal both of his ideas at once. Even using his actual material sometimes from his Greyhound diaries verbatim because, again, you can't sue me. It's comedy.

And we could get Jeff to film it. His best friend in the whole world. Do we have to wear the hat everybody wears the hat i was gonna ask if i get to go and then i realized we're getting a greyhound of course i get to go yeah we have the budget for you this time yeah no no i was just thinking about being the biggest guy to stand in front of you guys whenever the stabby guy gets out yeah i didn't even look at like the self-defense of the bus it was a short run but yeah you always want to look at who can i shove in front of me yeah if there's any trouble on a bus and you can go whoa oops they hit that it's just stumbling we We're doing a boys trip. Boys only trip. No girls allowed.

Girls with a U. So like every other trip. No, wives. Oh. Wives. We're going to Vegas. What? Coming up shortly here.

You have Frank Mir. Big Dick Hunter is evidently the fighter, and Frank Mir is training him. It's going to be weird. So we're going to go to the fights one night, podcast the other night, watch football on the Sunday, and then come home on the Monday if we're still alive. But it's just... So when? In November?

No, no, first weekend of December. And it's Frank and Big Dick have a podcast called Phone Booth Fighting. Yeah, and we're going out there. So, yeah, if you know MMA, you know Frank Mir, and you probably know Big Dick Hunter from that podcast or from his million years of radio experience. Big Dick Hunter had fucking OJ on his way back. He had a terrestrial sports show in Dallas,

and I'd go on all the time. And, uh, but he got OJ Simpson, like right after his acquittal, which you would think would be huge news. And I randomly found it on YouTube. Like, how is this not known everywhere?

And those are like Rogan length interviews back then with commercials, unfortunately, because it was terrestrial radio. But, yeah, he's been in radio for fucking ever. So, yeah, we're going to do me and Chad and Chaley and Joby. Don't drag the bag. Wait, can I go? I'll just maybe show up then. Make your plans the night before?

If you want to fight Inman in the ring as an undercard for Dick Hunter. Exhibition. We'll just go one round. Like, punches? I'll go anyway. One flies in, coach. One flies out, first

class. Yeah, I'm in. I'll beat Inman's ass. I'll beat him verbally and then non-verbally. Who takes the bus home? I'll beat Inman both ways. It's a bus match. Do a fucking roast battle. I can't imagine Inman having.

That's pushing an old woman down the stairs. Yeah, I guess so. But he'd think he could do good. Inman having. That's pushing an old woman down the stairs. Yeah. I guess so. But he'd think he could do good. Inman, if you're listening, tell me if it's on. If you want to roast battle Andy Andrist. Jesus. That would be like shooting

a big gun. I like that idea. Now I want to see that. That'd be like taking an AK-47 to somebody's koi pond. Oh, man. You should do a fucking... That's a huge call-out right there. We should do a roast battle in the...

I'm just saying factually. It would be like I had a machine gun and somebody's big, fat, overfed koi fish in a small pond and just... Crying. I'd take... I'll make him cry. I'd go against Hannigan.

Wow. Well, I'm the only one who knows even a little bit about him. That's like fish in the barrel again. What? Chaley against Tracy. Gump on gump. No, it's always better when you do it.

The best will spot is when people genuinely hate each other. Well, I don't hate Inman, but I don't not hate him either. That's why I picked you. If I didn't have a little part of my heart that hated Inman, I'm not sure I could go forward. It's like a candle burning. If I didn't have a little part of my heart that hated Inman, I'm not sure I could go forward. It's like a candle burning. So that's in play.

Yeah. That's in play. I'd say we could do a rose battle right here in the fun house. That would be a fun show to do when people are here and give you some kind of warning they're going to be here. Andy still didn't get you talking about him. Yeah, that's rude. I hate when people do that. So rude.

Gump versus Sherry. Gump did a job at Safeway. By the way, and I'll plug it again, in Tucson at the Mint where Andy's just recently played, Christine Levine runs a show at the Mint every Tuesday. Is that open mic? I was going to say. No.

I don't think it's. How did Chad phrase it? I don't remember it as an open mic. Burying the lead. So I'll just. Two of our friends that have been featured on the podcast are going up to do their first open mics up at the Mint. Tomorrow?

Well, Andy's already done that. That was weird. But eventually. They keep coming up with excuses. Oh, one of their excuses was, Christine Levine never called us back to tell us where it is well that's not an excuse that's pretty much a fucking reason that's plausible because she doesn't call people back when andy was coming now with christine levine yeah but i can find out where

it is i texted andy i go we're not so evergreen that google doesn't exist right google exists yeah yeah however green are we going? Yeah, we're going back years. Because, yeah, it's always easy to find something. You go Mint, City, Restaurant Bar, City. Andy's Tech Corner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go on your phone. Mint, Tucson.

Yeah, and sometimes you can just directly talk to your telephone and it'll tell you right back what you're asking about. I was going back to Gump. Gump got a job at Safeway. And since Gump is his real name, you'll never see him. And I think he's doing, like, overnight stalking or something. Did you get called as a reference?

No. I went in and told them, hey, my boy's applying for a job here, and they really still think he's my son. I went in and told him, hey, my boy's applying for a job here, and they really still think he's my son. And they also gave him the job of overnight stalking, but he just follows all the chicks home to their car, back to their car like a weirdo. I don't know.

He's a stalker. We're doing a favor for Stan. Well, Gump has come to Safeway with me a couple times since he got hired. He's still in the process of paperwork, and soon he goes in and actually works. But since he's been officially hired but not working there, I'll bring the cart out, and he'll leave the cart with the other carts and take all the bags and carry them to the car so no one has to go fetch that cart. He's already thinking about other people he's the

fucking sweetest kid ever well isn't it good you finally had one come home and you know acknowledge you i'd fuck that kid if he was willing well you should get him you know if he is in fact you're a real kid i think that might be a bit illegal out here in a. Now I'm looking to see if I would believe that's your son, and I think I do. I adopted him when his dad came down. His dad's a bit of a fuck-up. And his dad came down and proved everything. I mean, he wasn't a bad person,

but he's just swilling tequila, fucking loud and proud and outrageous, watching the fucking UFC. Yeah, he was on a jolly cruise. Yeah. You're like the kid in Platoon, like Charlie Sheen in Platoon with two different daddies. Right now. Well, I said, hey, I want to adopt

your boy from you. And he goes, you can have him! Alright, that's my boy now. Gump is my son. We had this conversation. I don't know if it was on a microphone, but I would love to find out that I had a random kid in the world that's of age now. Of course.

Yeah. And I did the math to when I got my vasectomy. So if I did find out I had some illegitimate kid, he would have to be pretty much an adult because it's that long ago. But that would be great to find out we did talk about this because someone troy conrad found out he has but he was a sperm donor yeah it wasn't some skeezy he banged in truth or consequences to mexico in college i was on this uh i was applied for the job of sperm donor and i didn't get a call back for a long time and then

i guess they ran out of cum and they gave me a call and i and then at that time i was like moved on from throwing the load out but it was like a like i think it was like 60 70 bucks for a load if they called you so i should have done it well, let's take a break right now and just go blow some loads and see who tastes the most toxic. All right, be right back. Please hold. Now let's talk about lift mode. Don't take fucking pills if you don't know what the fuck is in them.

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Well, if he feels he's needed. Andy's here until he doesn't know when. He's in the wings. Yep. Andy's got this plan. Andy is a... I don't know if you ever filled us in on what happened with your DUIs. I lost and I won.

Like any American who takes a chance. Oh, wait, yeah, that's's right you had to be on probation for yeah i was five months sober without a month or two to tie it to but i was five months sober you didn't have a month to tie it to you couldn't hold out to october sober parole birth forced for forced sober not no month it just sucks uh. But yeah, I have five months sober. And I got to a point where I was trying to choke down that kratom just to get high. Oh, my God. You guys all tried that one night, and everyone was sad.

Yeah. It's like trying to puke. It's like if heroin were a paste, would it still be popular? But I tried it, and I puked up yogurt, and I looked in the mirror, and my eyes were all watering. I'm like, man, you really want to get high that bad. And I did, so I finished it. I had to do these pest tests,

and they would do a random spin of the wheel at the end of class, like, oh, yellow, green, or whatever, and you signed in would do a random spin of the wheel at the end of class like oh yellow green or whatever and he signed in had a thing and then after i choked down the kratom because i didn't know the internet was on there was like differing viewpoints if it would show up on a ua but at that point i needed it was like the beginning of trump's presidency and i was like i can't even smoke weed and then look at this so i started watching a lot of sports that I'd never watched. Kids playing Frisbee in the park or whatever to escape it. But yeah, so this one lady goes,

you forgot this guy who taught my class for one was like the kid from Breaking Bad. He was my drug. I was supposed to learn not to do drugs and alcohol by this guy. He was my drug. I was supposed to learn not to do drugs and alcohol by this guy. And then the one time I thought I might be dirty on the UA, no wheel, because he forgot. And then the lady goes, wait, you forgot to spin the wheel.

What's to spin the wheel? Then we do it. And then it landed on my thing, so I had to go do a piss test. Oh, so they've added to throw a little... Yeah, and I called her a cunt. I go, you cunt. You fucking cunt. That's when I was like, wow, I'm in this. I'm not just observing this.

I'm forced sober with a bunch of fucking assholes. They're a bunch of tweakers. Actually, this was great. I got a scholarship for the class, because I heard that they give scholarships if you're down on, you know, and you can back it. And my wife's disabled. And he goes, it was the same guy. He goes, hey, what's your living situation like?

I go, well, it was pretty good until I got this Dewey because it turns out I was with, you know, my wife's sister. And now I'm living in that car because I was fucking her and a bunch of to-dos, and I haven't eaten a regular meal in about four weeks, and I was all dirty and shit. And he goes, well, don't worry about payment on these classes. And I got a scholarship, so I didn't have to pay for, that would have been, you know, if I went to a regular place. Hey, for the listener, he wasn't living with his sister.

He's lying. No, no, yeah. A little bit is true with the wife disability, but yes. So you made up a fucking series of lies. Yes. He put a set together and remembered it. I squeezed a homeless guy probably from getting free classes for his stewie. And I'm proud of that.

It's like, you know, I want a pre-board too, yo. So I got a scholarship. I had to go to Goodwill. And then I, you know, I did, I stopped short of shitting my pants, but I was, you know, right there at that edge. Because it's a homeless clinic where I chose to do my rehab. So, yeah, I got through it. And I got through it, and it took five months because all the thc

that was in my like if i did push-ups my level spiked and i would do a dirty test again oh really yeah because i had it was just in my every fiber i apparently do it a lot i can see that listening to andy is genuinely and it, and it's a relatively new thing because you can actually recognize where he comes from now. He's exactly like AI-generated dialogue where they've taped human beings over the period of a few months and then they say,

okay, now you computer robot thing, you can make up the dialogue. Max Headrick? Cut and paste with, what's his name? The Junkie, William Burroughs. They experimented with cut and paste books. It's like refrigerator magnet poetry, basically. It reminded me of the political ads

that we were laughing at where they were just shouting facts at you and not in a sentence way or a paragraph way. Succinct died years ago. I've known you since years ago and you weren't succinct then. Maybe a little bit more.

Yeah. Probably. My brain is so spongy I can't even do your bits anymore like I used to. I'm just amazed to hear you went to college. I got kicked out of several colleges. I started getting kicked out at community college. You went to several colleges.

Were these colleges you enrolled in? I got kicked out of Lynn Benton Community College. They asked me not to retake. Not a sponsor. Yeah, and I said, you know, that's fine College. They asked me not to retake. Not a sponsor. Yeah, and I said, you know, that's fine because I wasn't re-enrolling anyway. And we broke up. I didn't get kicked out. I'm dumping you.

And then, yeah, I had to go in front of a committee at Southern Oregon State and plead the case. And at some point, I just fucking wandered out of the thing. It was like my closer. I just got bored with it and wandered away from the meeting. And then I was out of Southern Oregon State. Yeah, you missed a lot of factual information that made that story make sense. So you enrolled.

You were going to college as a student. What was this meeting about that you crossed over? Well, I had financial aid and stuff, and I didn't meet the academic standards. By dressing up like a homeless person? No, but I did almost get into a physical altercation with a guy who was in charge of the housing. He was going to send me to rehab because of a couple of situations, but I was too old for the dorms anyway. Wait, what do you mean? Don't come with me.

Don't listen to him. Don't tell me. situation but I was too old for the dorms anyway but my fist matched right up with the broken window I was like oh yeah that my knuckles were bloody and uh this guy had a report that I punched the window don't fit yeah you must have finished perfectly. It was, it was, it was, like, there was a bunch of things. It was actually good reading and I wish I could get it.

I should try to get a copy. Like, a lot of people apply to get their transcript. I want my incident reports just from the three months that I was in the dorms. I shouldn't have been in there

because I was 21. I, after community college fizzled out, I found myself getting student loans on a regular level, and so I went there. And it didn't end well.

What are the two incidents that you keep glossing over? Well, no one's a fist in a window. I figured it out. Andy tells stories like he's talking to a defense attorney that he doesn't want to reveal everything to. This one dude who was prone to bullshit said I was choking to death in my own vomit.

My 17-year-old girlfriend or whatever was crying and unable to help me and he tipped me over and saved my life. But fuck that guy. Herb was a fucking asshole and he was full of shit. If he did save my life, whose business was it of yours? Stay out of my dorm room, faggot. So that's the end of that.

The Dyke Stanhope Podcast does not condone the word faggot. No. He was a faggot. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. That makes sense. He was just a dude. It wasn't about being gay.

It's about tipping somebody over in their dorm room or lying about it. Either one is just not in business. The Does Stan Hope podcast apologizes profusely for Andy not having a better word than faggot for a guy that tips over easily. I mean, if you could call him a cow. I'm saying that's what I called him back then. Now I would call him a fucking, fuck you, Herb. I wouldn't know what to say because you can't say faggot. You can use sissy.

Sissy. It's the way people, it was a football player that said, I don't know if it was Ray Lewis or someone that said, yeah, they use the word thug now because they can't say nigger. They use thug and you go, ooh, he busted us. I've never used faggot for hatred, but I labeled that guy because he was intrusive, but I've used it more of as an encouragement. But I'm saying you can

use sissy the way you use thug. But why can't we use faggot? If we never said it in a way that's... I don't. But what about a sissy, like a guy who wears the fancy socks and goes around with black shoes? That's why I'm saying sissy is fine. That's me. So yeah, whatever. Ryan's a faggot. He's a straight up saying sissy is fine. That's me. All right. So, yeah.

Brian's a faggot. He's a straight-up posh faggot. No, he's a... There he was. Technically, he's a sissy faggot because he's got the shoes. He's a fancy faggot. No, actually, I think of myself as a dandy. Dandy. I was just coming to dandy.

Yes, dandies. Maybe that is all-encompassing. If you point out your shoes and socks, Andy, you look a little faggotish yourself. Whoa, Kenny! Jesus! Kenny! Come on!

Kenny is calling standard issue Puma soccer shoes faggot shoes. So you're calling every Hispanic child that plays. This is what Trump has done to America. Everyone thinks they can throw hate speech without any kind of... It's the worst podcast ever. Okay, Kenny, I want you for the rest of the podcast. You have about 10 minutes. Here's a pen and a piece of paper.

I want you to write up your apology. I had a kid in Pumas that got ran over. Yeah. And I didn't do anything about it. Maybe John Norris can help you. He's a fucking professional. He can help you write up an apology and how what you said to the

general public and the people you hurt. I don't want another forced apology out of one of these hate mongers. What I want is, how has this affected you? Are you willing to change? Does it need to rhyme?

You got 10 minutes, Kenny. He didn't understand most of what you just said. Well, no, that's just talk radio. People blast. Nobody's listening. Hey, man, what about the kids? Andy, how do you fill your days? With joy.

Well, yeah, with a lot of lost memories. Oh, there's a guy washing his dick in a sink. I wake up. I do stuff. Joy. Well, yeah, with a lot of lost memories. Oh, there's a guy washing his dick in a sink. I wake up. I do stuff. I have a couple of snacks. Go on. Give me an example.

Do you nap? Like cheese and a hummus and a cracker. What time do you wake up? About four in the morning. Uh-huh. And I, yeah, so I get up at four in the morning and I pace around, smoke weed, and try not to fucking implode. Wake up the wife. You don't want to wake up the wife because she'll want to chat.

Right. I don't like her. I don't like that getting, yeah, so. Are you running at all? So after. Yeah, sometimes I go for brisk walks in the dark and such. Sprint? No.

No, fuck no. Okay, so now you get us to 6 a.m. Yeah. Some television and I take a light nap. What kind of television? He said pace around and smoke weed. I thought we were up to about 11 or 12. Because earlier on...

I get to the dabs of it in the afternoon. You did tell us, or tell me in the kitchen earlier... If you want me to send you my avails, Brian, there's easier ways to be around the bush. Let me just get my calendar out, bro. You're showing your dick a little bit here, but yeah. We have blank calendars here. We don't need yours.

Let's drive to Sierra Vista and get a new calendar. I'll show you my avails. Unless you're misproducing calendar, you're wrong. But I'm just curious about, like, earlier on you told us you don't really drink that much because if you do, you shit blood. So I'm curious, like, how do you fill those non-shitting blood hours? Same way as any other person does. What?

But I don't know what we're getting at here. I take naps. Do you still nature jack? Yeah, not as often. You know, you get busy doing projects. I'm actually... What projects? Start home jacking more.

I cannot... Well, I'm working on the movie with Paul on occasion, but I'm working on another project that I don't want to tip my hand on. And mainly I haven't done anything much for the last year except wander around and stay healthy and shit like that. Yeah, I couldn't tell you what I do with my day. I could assemble a book with notebook random notes, and I write random. I don't write.

I haven't wrote a lot the last year because I just kind of tuned out for a while and haven't really done anything creative. I've helped my brother knock down a – I broke a bunch of glass. I ran four or five people that were looking to buy the house next door from buy-in. So I get involved in the community. I have things. That's like a Scooby-Doo caper. Yeah, I used to...

Well, I played a lot... Because the last one was an old couple, and I definitely didn't want them to live there because they looked like assholes anyway. And so i put a bluetooth speaker and then i uh played slayer and then i smoked a bunch of weed and waved it down while they were doing the last inspection of the place and then i went to the garbage can and played the music louder and then i yelled at the people who were playing the music loud which was actually

me going you fucking cunts you turned down your goddamn music it's saturday morning so they didn't buy the place and so i got that done you know it's nice to cross things off your list hang on let's take a quick break and uh uh let's tell you about charlotte's web the world's most trusted hemp extract cbd as you know is gaining popularity in the health and wellness world. Everybody's talking about it. So we're going to introduce you to Charlotte's Web. They're an industry leader who sells broad-spectrum whole plant hemp extract with CBD in the form of oils, capsules, and topicals. Charlotte's Web CBD isn't intoxicating, but it does have some pretty powerful benefits working with your body's existing endocannabinoid system.

Got that in the first take. People love Charlotte's Web oils and capsules because they support management of everyday stresses, help in supporting restful sleep cycles, and maintaining a sense of calm and focus. CBD is also known for helping athletes recover from exercise-induced inflammation. Taylor, you were taking two drops a day while you were building the haunted house to reduce stress? Yeah, you'd think no stress involved in the haunt, just a lot of fun. Yeah. Customers trust Charlotte's Web because they grow and hand-tend more than 250,000 hemp plants in the U.S.

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That's cwhemp.com and enter code Stanhope at checkout for 10% off of your Charlotte's Web Hemp Extract purchase. Some exclusions apply. See website for details. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Hey, we're back. Anyway, yeah. I just texted a friend of mine today.

I'm a hero. Andy's here. He's currently jerking off in my shower you know how i know because he's in my shower it's well you gotta he jerks off everywhere well you get you got a new shower you gotta break it in yeah i don't like to i mean i don't like to jerk off in somebody's shower when they got like a gross curtain or something and yours is real like sanitary and clean so of course yeah i mean it's just that's why i hardly use it i don't want to want to ruin it a lot i don't even want to jerk off anymore but it's just kind of a cancer prevention kind of thing at this point maintenance

yeah i understand that completely even though it made no sense yeah i'm sure. Drew would back me up. Back me up, Junior Stopko. Come on, people. Back me up. He kind of made it into a, they're stealing our jobs. Back me. He called me the other day. I miss me some Junior Stopko. That could have been his, where's my bailout?

I had Junior, he stayed at my house for a little bit when he was doing this this thing we did with levine uh a failed project uh uh that was part of my day uh we did that uh but uh having junior at the house because he he sleeps in you know and he gets drunk wow and uh but it was just fun to go was junior still in his room it's one in the afternoon juniors when he when he gets up i'm gonna tell him he has to get a job and then i just go here you want to drink junior junior has uh the same uh polite demeanor of as gump where overly polite they don't swear in front of fucking families and old people they mind their manners and they they're always overly polite and he's not that guy he can watch

he watched at my place he watched i he changed belts on my car he knows how to do that kind of thing just watch you have you seen his car yeah oh. You have to. Holy shit. We did that train trip over the summer. I lived and died in it for thousands of miles with Shawnee Rouse. He drove that fucking car. Shawnee Rouse left his last body fluids in that car. He drove that. This is the biggest piece of shit I've seen since I was 17 and owned pieces of shit.

Because that's all you had was a piece of shit. I knew how to do some stuff on cars because you had to know in order to own a $250 piece of shit car. And he still had that car when we saw him. And he drove that car by himself to Sean Rouse's weight from Chicago to Houston. Yeah, I told him.

How do you drive that car to Safeway? He told me he was going to do that, and I go, well, swing by. I wasn't planning on going, but if you don't come by Oregon. And did he? No, no, no, but he might have. That joke would be so lost on Bingo. Yeah, yeah. She might think it's right on the way.

That makes sense. I used to show Bingo the weather map on the back of the USA Today. And I go, what state is that? Confusion. Kentucky? No, it's Oregon. She has no idea. Which I think is great.

I wish I didn't have to know a lot of this shit. I wish I didn't have to do social media. We had a guy in football in high school. He got knocked out all the time. Concussed, I guess they call it now. Glass Joe. He got concussed a lot, and they'd put him on the sideline, and they'd ask him what town he was in.

It's like that's not the place to start with Marco, because he might not know that. Well, we did get on a bus. I used to do this bit on stage about Bingo. She was coming out of the coma, and she had to go to brain rehab. Do you know what town you're in? She doesn't generally ever know. We do 115 dates a year.

She doesn't know where she is. I'd always say Springfield. No? All right. Then no. That's the same answer an actor would give. Hey, Smartfuck Magazine. Thank you.

How's the wife? I wanted to ask about the wife. Oh, mine? Are we still going? The Chester Erdheim. She's good enough. Oh, wait. We're not done.

She's not. Hang on. We're going to close this podcast, wait. We're not done. She's not. Hang on. We're going to close this podcast, assuming we're good on time. And we're going to close with Kenny's apology for everyone. Oh, thank God. I was still mad. I was really mad. Well, it's like they're just shoes, man.

Listen, Andy and I slept in the nest together. I still have the nest there. And until they break down those walls with the construction. Put the glory hole back in place. And we pillow barriered. Yep. And I did evidently rub him in my sleep. I caressed him.

Yeah, a caress. But you, that one. I did take a downer, by the way. It was on over the counter sleeper so we've had this awkward like those aren't pillows uh for years uh that one you were like you're not bingo and i never said i was but i am was in bingo there was one time i'm like uh you're not renee right but you're andy and you're renee and you're both fucking a girl in the same bed i'm sleeping in and we both had hair stubble burns i think at that time i don't know oh yeah the

prel incident or no i remember it's the holiday in metrodome in uh on the university side of minneapolis yeah let's just say this that that shaving cream doesn't necessarily mean lube. It's not the same thing. And I thought... For everybody who's mistaken that... Hey, it said edge. All I know is for most of my life,

generally I'm the guy that passes out first. And sometimes you have a king-size bed and a Holiday Inn and you pass out first and your wife and a king-size bed and a holiday inn and you pass out first and your wife and andy are fucking some girl they met drunk in the fucking hotel bar earlier and you just roll over and you go hey scooch over you're pushing me off the bed and you go back to sleep that's how you play it yeah fucking life is short just don't get hung up on the bullshit that was she was a your friend and your fucking wife or fucking some strange girl from the hotel bar no she was

a remember she was a rogue bridesmaid and uh and then oh i don't remember she was a rogue rogue bridesmaid and she was mainly there fucking oh that's right we saw her next day at the wedding and she wanted no yeah yeah we did like the wedding group popped out, and it was like, you know, like watching, you know, St. Elmo's fire, slow motion, this wedding group walk all happy. And then she saw us. It's like, oh, no. And the edge cream was probably still burning her twat, man.

She jumped up and got in the shower. I was like, well, that didn't work at all. She nodded tersely in we're never talking about this again way, and we all obliged. Yeah, yeah. We fucked off to the next gig. And we walked down to our own St. Elmo's fire, the other direction,

never acknowledging the other reproduction. But, yeah, that was awkward for her and them. It was Renee, though. She hit that. Renee was beautiful beautiful and she picked this woman up and then she was like over fuck andy and then i was like i don't want to be and then i was like well i do it's like she didn't seem that moist and i was like i had that shaving cream set in there anyway and uh and uh you know so it was a half hearted attempt i mean i was trying to be you know I didn't want to embarrass her. Like, I'm just going to go to sleep too. So I squirted her up with that, and it burnt.

I guess Renee shaved her already. So it was like that. And then she went over to you, and then she had her tits out. And you woke up and go, my girlfriend's tits are better. And then I had to go, well, yeah, now I had to look at both again. Yeah, I see what he's getting at. But you just rolled over and went to sleep,

and I'm not sure you were even, you know, like you said, it's horrifying. And I'm sorry. I'm here as part of my 12-step program as well. I don't think I was ever bothered by that in the least. No. Except for a scooch over, you're pushing me off the bed. There's four people in a king-size bed. I know two of you are doubling

up at any given time, but it's still four total. Yeah, I didn't have a cot that I could travel with that much. Hey, I hate to bother. My old fuck cot. Hey, Andy, get your fuck cot out of this Suzuki. Yeah, I had a cot on the band show.

There was a couple of times it was in the Juggies shot. I thought you were kidding. I didn't know he was going to explain about his fuck cot. No, yeah, well. I was kidding. Alleged cot. I forgot about the cot at the band show. Yeah.

All right. Hennigan wants to chime in, and then Kenny's going to make his apology. I just like to say that I thought that Screech Over sounds like a great actor, like Rip Torn. It also sounds like Screech. Screech from Saved by the Bell. Every time I hear Hugh Jackman, I think, is that like a play on Hugh Jackman? What's the joke there? on like Hugh Jackman.

What's the joke there? Like when you get stuck behind someone with a novelty plate and you just spend forever trying to figure it out and realize you went 30 miles past your exit. Also, just before we get to Kenny,

Andy, the month you're looking for for cocaine is Snowvember. Snowvember. Snowvember. Hannigan had quite a way to work at that. So I'll be back. I'll be back. Hey. I was quite a way to work on that. So I'll be back. Hennigan does a pretty good Hennigan.

Did you hear him? Yeah, I liked it. But it's a little friendlier. All right, Kenny, please. All right, yeah. Kenny, chime in. Do you want to explain again, Doug, why he's doing this? What, because people only listen to the end of the podcast?

No. I just want to make sure. He wants to apologize for everyone who used caustic slurs during the presentation of this informative episode of the podcast. Or the podcast is finished. This apology is brought to you by Grab Your Foot Caught and Your Shaving Cream

starring Scooch Over. Hey, it's Chime and Kenny. Kenny, go ahead. I see you're welling up with tears. No. Can I jerk off while you do this? Sure, if you'd like to i'm not gonna watch i am sorry to the same-sex pioneers whom don't like to be called cigarette this is america not the uk

second to your socks for calling them gay but they are they could be if i had them on this is the worst yeah you make andy make sense all the time. Well, I can't read my own handwriting. That's the only problem. Just kidding. Oh, that was my brilliant idea. Just go ahead. You try to pre-read that and then sell it with more sincerity.

But wait, wait, wait. Hang on. That was my idea. Hennigan will hate me for saying this out loud because we have an idea about old notebooks. I think actually someone's doing it. Someone's kind of doing it. But to combine that idea with roast battle, where you roast each other based on their first notebook

that shit they thought was funny. That's a good idea. Now, Kenny, try it again with more fearing. Maybe it's a wrap. You want me to use my oriental voice? No, no, I just did that. Oh, my God, you made it worse. Yeah, can you make it sound like a homosexual Chinese guy gurgling semen or something?

Come on. This is a sincere apology. By the way, I'm part Native American. Chinese guy gurgling semen or something? Come on. No. This is a sincere apology. By the way, I'm part Native American. I apologize. Or we apologize for using. We? I didn't.

Well, you said it the wrong way. Right. I did? You know how they say like. Okay, I apologize. Well, you said faggot in a way that all of us gay men just fell out of line. So apologize to us. I apologize to you same-sex pioneers for using the word faggot in a derogatory way.

My apologies sincerely. No, how have you grown from this? This is a press conference. What's up with the mocking tone? I don't don't know why are you guys doing this to me kenny kenny kenny you hurt i was only talking about it when you call somebody a faggot that's like wait like it's hateful but uh it hurts but and it makes me horny but i was thinking of the term cigarette when I said it. No, you're a bundle of sticks, you faggot cocksucker. You know what you were doing.

You were slurring us because you, allegedly, we were in the same bed last night. Allegedly. I show up unannounced, Doug kicks all the women out, and I'm in bed with him, and you're calling me a faggot the next day. So it does...

That's called cock rocking. You know how it's... Yes, that's it. That's exactly why I got up and did laundry. That's it. Is that an Oriental accent? All the chicks beat feet. Yeah. Kenny's nice ass is coming.

Yeah, so I mean, you know, that's why it hurt. That's why we're asking you to apologize. Kenny, you've... Me and Doug have worked together a while and people, the rumors, you know. You've experimented with homosexuality. You've shown us your bottom on several occasions, sometimes for money.

So you're a whore. We experimented with homosexuality like the professor from Gilligan's Island. What the fuck are you doing in the beakers? But we just, you know, we had experiments. But... Gilligan! He's talking about beaker in the ass night,

which was... Hey, we were all on IUDs. I know, people would deliver all these coconuts and we didn't know what to do with them. Put them at the base of the Beaker. But we wouldn't have liked it if we were jamming coconuts in each other's genitals for experimentation and somebody comes in and goes, hey, faggot, how's the palm nuts? Would you like it if someone called you faggot on that fateful day was a fourth of july where you exposed your genitals bat winged your own testicle your scrotum you pulled it out and let a tarantula walk across your scrotum in front of a room full

of men and women crawl up your chest and onto your shoulder blades fully exposed first of all it was a woman that had my had it butterflied out so there was no game bat winged butterfly is how you cook them oh i can go full bald eagle with my scrote but and so i had no gay tendencies at that moment and i'm not sure if the spider was male or female so there was no gayness going on there. Well, you associate faggot with gay. We in Duck aren't gay.

What are you talking about? But wait a minute. Wait, you're not gay? Jesus Christ. I'm happy all the time. This apology has caused more problems than solutions and more questions than answers.

You know what? You queered up the whole pond with that shit. Actually, you know, hey, who put the shit on my dick? Or is that peanut butter? That was yesterday's conversation about the shit on the crevice of your penis. Gay is when you go shopping together, which we did today, so we are gay. I fucking love you, Andy. I fucking love you so strong.

I love you too, Doug. But that old couple there. Maybe one day Kenny can come back with a more heartfelt apology. Right now. I'm still stuck. We have time constraints. We have to wrap this up. We have rainbow rallies to get to, my gay straight friend.

At Castle Rock, Kenny. And Kenny will be rapping. Castle Rock Kenny is Castle Rock without any vowels, Kenny. Yes. And if you don't find it, don't bother.

But at Andy Andrist, A-N-D-R-I-S-T is their last name. I think so. At HD Fatty, and at Greg Chaley, C-H-A-I-L-L-E, at Doug Stanhope, at Brian Hennigan, H-E-N-N-I-G-A-N. I thought it was Mr. Hennigan.

Oh, no, fuck, yeah, you're right. It's at Mr. Hennigan, M-R-H-E-N-N-I-G-A-N, and that's a podcast. I accept Kenny's apology reluctantly. That's a podcast. I accept Kenny's apology reluctantly. Listen, I, as a gay man that's not accepted by my own community, I feel like maybe you have to look in your own mirror, faggots.

Suck your own dick before you go out and suck someone else's. Yeah. I mean, you mean, figuratively. As a giant proponent of the gay community, you've never welcomed me because you think that I'm lying. And if we have to tweet pictures of us sucking each other's dicks on the Doug Stano podcast, we'll do it. We confuse being bottoms with rock bottom a lot. We'll close on that.

Goodbye. I'm washing my big old pussy in the historical Mississippi Mississippi Hoping The General Jumped so Don't run me Down And young guys

On their jet skis I sure hope They all see me What sea might be cold Pussy For I go to town The alligator The maligators seem to delta And so do they all smell your Washing your big old pussy before you go to town. Pollution from the factories.

Acid from car batteries. I see it from car batteries That's the smell of my big old pussy If you want to go down I'm washing puppy called pussy in the historical Mississippi. And I'm hoping that General Jackson don't run me down. Jackson, don't run me down. Them young girls on their jet skis. I sure hope they all see me. What's in my big old pussy

Before I go to town What's in my big old pussy If you want to go down Hallelujah! Yeah, that was pretty good.