The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #292: Eat Sh*t and Die for New Years

Episode Date: January 2, 2019

Doug, Bingo, Chad and Chaille discuss Bingo's upcoming bondage performance, Chad's almost letter to the UPS driver and useless New Year's Resolutions. Recorded Dec 29th, 2018 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), bingo (@BingoBingaman), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Email your questions for the podcast to [e-mail] This episode is sponsored by **[Robinhood.com](http://stanhope.robinhood.com)** – Robin hood is the investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFS, options and Cryptos - all commission free. [Robinhood](https://stanhope.robinhood.com) is giving our podcast listeners a FREE stock like Apple, Ford, or Sprint to help build your portfolio just for signing up at [Stanhope.Robinhood.com](https://stanhope.robinhood.com). Stanhope Store Merch - New Podcast Coffee Mug & VHS copies of “Popov Vodka presents Doug Stanhope in the Funhouse”. http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ LINKS - We like what they are doing over at http://www.FIRRP.org Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.orgSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Happy New Year! That's right, you're listening to this on New Year's Day, or after. The third. Yeah, the third. It goes out, the third. It goes out on the third. It doesn't matter what day it is for us. Every day of our life is New Year's or Monday.

However we feel deemed to name it. Yeah, it feels very Monday to me. It's another day. Last you heard, we were having a very Monday to me. It's another day. Last you heard, we were having a very Inman Christmas. And then we had a 6 a.m. flight the next day.

5 a.m. Arizona time. And I drank from 5 a.m. Arizona time on a plane until, I don't know, 11 or midnight. Mamu and Valenzuela. Bingo. It was a nice night. I thought someone dosed me with ecstasy. And in the morning,

I had the booze shakes before I was awake. The booze shakes awoke me. I can't do those 16-hour days. Ichabod's with me. He's doing an intervention. That was an ecstasy night. It was blissful. It was so much fun. Are you talking about the Inman?

I hope not. I got lost. I hope not. I forgot to mention on the podcast with Inman. I don't know if I've mentioned it on our podcast. I mean, before Inman. Pre-Inman. Pre-Christmas Inman. I don't know if I've mentioned it on our podcast. I mean, before Inman, pre-Inman, pre-Christmas Inman. Before this became Inman's podcast.

The magnetic sign that Wally Glenn sent me that is on the, we call it the airport shuttle, that dumb van I love. Oh, by the way, someone bought the Pacer. Thank you, guy who bought the Pacer. Oh, nice. All right. And someone bought the-

Oasis, the 63. Is that the 30 Days in the Hole trailer? That's the 30 Days in the Hole. And I asked him, how did you find out about this podcast? All right. He actually read it in the show notes, and he saw the link, and that's how he found out about it. He goes, this is the one, right?

I go, shit, I should have said it was the Nomad. Don't you ever lie on my podcast. Nomad is still for sale. We don't have entertainment value a lot of times, but we have some kind of integrity. Integrity, yep. Or something for sale, says Cheeky Cunty Tracy. So, yeah, at some point during that, we stayed at the airport,

because I knew I was not going to be driving when we landed from Kansas City. So we get the hotel hotel and then Christine Levine and Vuvuzela Bingo were there. I was giving the awkward massages. Wasn't awkward for Christine. The Ms. Molly massages. I was powdering her.

What? He had to be there. He... It's been a while since I've done ecstasy. I don't remember powder. Well, bingo on New Year's Eve, which to you, the listener, was yesterday. She has some kind of artist's bonded show up here in town in Old Bisbee. And so she's going to get tied up.

So they all decided, oh, let's all get our pussies waxed in solidarity. Pussies, come on. We went asshole pussy at all. We did it all. Fortunately, I had those tremors that kept me in bed.

So yeah, you guys, I'll get your things waxed. I am more of a girl right now than I have ever been in my life. For a lesbian, you're a real girl now. All right, that's all right with me. I got to ask, is that like a walk-up thing? Like you could just, like they're open for the day? It seems like that would be a thing where you're planning. It's not like a walk-up thing? Like you could just, like they're open for the day. It seems like that would be a thing where you're planning. It's not like a impulse.

Well, Voodoo Voodoo evidently gets this done. She had an in. I know a guy. Yeah. She took care of every fucking last bit of this. It was fabulous. This was a few days before New Year's Eve where she said, yeah, that's where everyone gets their pussies waxed

and assholes and all this stuff. Sure, everybody knows that. Maybe more of an artful description than pussies waxed. That was on the flyer. Not as artful as the bondage show she's going to do. It's very curious how, oh, he's like a bondage artist. Yeah, really. Aren't we all?

I just don't have business cards. He finds a tasteful way to fucking tie you up and get you to wax your asshole. It's artistic. You could be a shitty artist. You could jerk off and take pictures at the same time. This is my art. That's art. I'm sure a lot of people will be walking out of that show going,

it was very tasteful. I'm going to jerk off to real porn now. This is too tasteful for me. Do you remember saying that when we were done waxing our assholes that we would have to show them up and you'd pick pictures and you'd pick who Mamu was. Well, now she knows I said that. No, sorry.

Probably the one with the fingerprints in the shot. Shaylee, take that butt out. Do not. You need to learn to stifle yourself. A butthole lineup? Yeah, a butthole lineup. That's right, Chad. I was in no condition to look at assholes that whole day.

I read 100 pages of a book. That's how hungover I was. I couldn't even get up to get the remote. There's a book near me. I'll read. You stayed extra day, too. Yeah, and we almost stayed another day because it fucking snowed down here. And I, oh, oh, I'm getting off track all over the place.

But Jeff Beamish, who I would have woken up to, is gone. He's gone. My old... If you don't know Jeff Beamish, fuck it. I'm not going to recap the story, but my old favorite stocky weatherman from KVOA in Tucson has left to the Bay Area, and I like to believe that I drove him out of town. So our letter-writing campaign worked. What's this hashtag over in that area?

We'll find out. I'm not against getting my weather from another town. 68 and balmy. I think I'll stay in again. Add 12 degrees, and then it's about right. So that was your first waxing. Yeah. With a crowd.

Y'all watched each other. And we were sat in the seat right at the end of the bed thing, so we saw everything with each other. Everything. It was really fun. I had a blast. You did. You did call or text.

Even Christine texted, this is the best day. All my parts and bits are tingling. Yeah. You did that with the rubbing on them. She had a bad experience. You want to chime in on this? All right. Bingo knows.

Bingo knows. Bingo knows. Yeah. She was telling them that she went to get waxed once. Christine is a woman of a certain size, and I say a certain size because scientists haven't even exactly figured out the region that she encumbers. Pi R squared. She's a fat girl. She makes no bones about it. Yeah.

We explained to... Vanessa. Thank you. We explained to Vanessa, who was waxing us, who was fucking fabulous, what had happened to Mamu her first time she went in and it was pretty tragic and sad

no one wanted to fucking touch her yeah it just made her feel horrible it was really sad she walked out? well they wouldn't do it she had to turn around and go well I guess she's a strong bitch but she's fucking tender

we explained this to Vanessa and Vanessa was like no problem So, she's a strong bitch, but that, she's fucking tender. We explained this to Vanessa and Vanessa was like, no problem. We can handle this. And me and Val were like, we're here to help. We'll hold up a layer or two,

whatever, whatever it takes. We are here to help. And she took it and she was like, I won't need your help, but this is great. We'll do it.

Sorry. Chaley has an issue where he's screaming. But before that, the night before, I was giving her a full body massage powdering. Yeah.

Is that recommended? Are you guys saying that you gave the wax lady ecstasy? Is that what I'm reading between the lines here? I felt like I gave her confidence to go in for a pussy waxing. Yeah, you might have. But Vanessa said it's going to be fine. She wouldn't need us.

Everything would be okay. Memo comes in. She starts getting hers done. Everybody's laughing. No, with her. Just for the listeners. No, with her. With all of us.

At one point she's like, I do need you guys. We were in there like a motherfucker. We got in and held things up. It was fucking awesome. You just keep saying everything that makes it sound like we... You're setting everything on a t-ball stand, but we're not biting. The choice of words is awesome if you're

eight years old giggling or twelve years old giggling. We were that. I meant us. That's the thing. I meant us. They were baby seal team six. That's right. But we did it. We did it.

We accidentally got our shoulder waxed partly. We're not going to be like this in the new year. We're making a lot of resolutions. Getting it all out right now It was fabulous We all walked away feeling great And you got your nails done I got a pedicure, manicure I got a tanny

Val took me to do everything that is girl related Every single fucking thing We did it You got nothing You're was speechless no i am editing okay fair enough yes everything that was girl related like uh uh put never mind yeah it's a lesbian joke a million of them i'll just hey i didn't say any of that didn't happen, or it did happen. I didn't say nothing. It's not my business. The point is... It's not your business. It was all

in anticipation of this... Yeah, the Bondage Show. The Bondage Show that you know absolutely nothing about. Right. They don't tell me a lot, but... It is at a pizza parlor. It is at a pizza parlor. Are they going to be serving pizza during the Bondage Show? Yes, they are. They are. It's happy hour pizza bondlor. Are they going to be serving pizza during the bondage show? Yes, they are.

It's happy hour pizza bondage. And you're probably the only girl. What? And it's probably in a van behind the pizza place. And they're going to let us take our pepperoni off and flick it at you. We pay extra. Give me an order of them

balloon nuts. I mean, garlic knots. She brought her own cheese. Oh, man. It won't be string cheese. You got clipped. Not that you're a, I'm not saying you're an easy mark, but how did you get approached and sold into a pizza parlor bonded show at happy hour on new year's eve

it's not a big deal please tell me well i was doing because i do this is just between me and you shut up says connie chung i do pilates with kristen all the time and there's another woman who does pilates with us at class and she's the owner of the pizza place and she came up to me and really wanted me to do it and I was just in the mood. I was in the mood to put on some What was her sales pitch? And I know it wasn't coffees for

closers. You get a set of steak knives. What was her, what did she say to you? Hey, will you go get, do they even have a stage or do you have to do this in the oven? I don't know where it's going to be in the oven. I think they're serving slices, like you said. Because there is no... It's an awkward kind of like you walk in and then you immediately turn left

and then you turn right to go down. It's an L shape. So there's... I don't remember ever seeing a stage there. And then it's a weird thing where no matter where you sit, you're not going to be able to see the whole room. Yeah. I don't know how they're going to do it. Well, you don't need a stage

if you're suspended from the ceiling, do you? She doesn't ask a lot of questions. Maybe she will after this. Maybe that's her New Year's resolution. There you go. Read the fine print. She asked me if I would do it if I was shy, and I'm like,

no, I don't really feel shy, and my buns were feeling taut because I just got out of Pilates, so I was ready to rock and roll. That's what happened. And then, on one foggy Christmas Eve, you go, oh, I'm hairy like a goat

down there. I need to have all this shorn. I can't wait to see the sweater that emerged from that day then. She nicked. Did we already talk about Christmas with the family?

That was in the podcast. And that was very funny. It's rare that I get to actually listen to a podcast that I haven't already heard live. So I look forward to that. Was it Jeff Nelson? Thank you for remembering. Jeff Nelson is the one who interviewed that.

I forget that we were in an indoor pool with kids splashing around behind us. I did get a Twitter comment when you're like, shut that kid up! And then you have to remember in your head, you're like, oh, this is Doug Yellen. It's like, no, he's in a public,

I mean, he's in the pool at the Marriott at the airport on Christmas. Oh, God, the flight home. I was saying earlier, if I had a nickel for every time someone said, you're talking really loud, the flight's home, then the bar is after we get home at the hotels. Oh, Jesus Christ, you are a pig.

Oh, that was coming home from Vegas. Remember? Yeah. We're like, all of us were going to figure out who got to go to the one first class, and they're like, Doug, you go. No one's like, no, we're fine here. Your knees, Joby and Chad's knees are up to their chin, and they're like, we, you go. No one's like, no, we're fine here. Your knees, Joby and Chad's knees are up to their chin and they're like,

we're fine here. We're okay. We're okay. Yeah, you were really loud because of the talker behind us. So Bingo has, I told a lady at the Minneapolis airport at our connection she had a candy shop

and I remember closing on eat shit and die. You were a fucking pig, man. Were you pitching candy ideas? No, no. You know how you go to the candy shop and you just fill up a bag and they weigh it.

Well, now this place, they don't weigh it and the scoop doesn't even fit in this tiny ass bag and I only get a few muddy bears to get me through the second flight and she goes you might as well fill the whole thing up it's $8 a bag

no matter how much candy you want this is fucking bullshit well it's just she had no excuse and I told her to eat shit and die even though she probably doesn't and then who forgot their bag in the candy store while he's on the plane? Yes, he did. He's on the fucking plane.

A cop was waiting for me. Fuck, I forgot about this. Yeah, why don't you tell that story, you dickhead? So what's a worse deal than $8 a bag? $8 no bag. I'm on the jetway, and they're announcing announcing me and i don't know if i can get off the jetway and get back on if that's elite and i had to run i ran like forest fucking gump we'll get to you gum but i ran like forest gump because i'm a very awkward runner but i ran down and

there's a fucking cop waiting for me because it's a a bag that's claimed. It's a 1950s floral satchel. Green, yellow, and turquoise? Yes. Well, his booze bag. Yeah. Why did you leave it here? I go, because I was yelling at that lady, and I felt really bad about it, so I left without my bag. So we get through the flights. bag. So,

we get through the flights. I do remember saying, kill it with fire about the kids behind us. Someone had kids in first class and again, I'm against that. They should fucking earn first class. That's too much money. I want your tax

returns, like Trump. I want your tax returns before you're on fucking first class. If you're in first class and you don't belong there, you should be old enough to be ashamed about it like the rest of us and just sit there quietly. Yeah, I had booze tremors that were the next day after that whole day and then the night where I'm like, all right, this is real bad. I got to relax a bit.

Do you remember sitting down in the Sky Club and just saying, God damn all these fat women around here. And we're surrounded by fat women. It was horrific. It was Minneapolis. I was pretending to be on the phone. They're not from Minneapolis. I wasn't saying it to them. I like that he explained it that way. Like, it's Minneapolis. I was pretending to be on the phone. They're not from Minneapolis. I wasn't saying it to them.

I like that he explained it that way. Like, it's okay. It's Minneapolis. Why would you be from Minneapolis and in the Sky Club? You're from Denver, you asshole. You can talk shit about fat women in front of their face from Minneapolis. It's all right. Actually, now I'm getting way off track. But I've been going out. Minneapolis it's alright I actually uh

now I'm getting way off track but I I've been going out I'll explain this on another podcast but I've been going out just driving back roads of Arizona to listen to all of my old CDs cause I have a plan of re-recording some shit

that's the only place I can fucking listen to myself is where no one else is listening because it's usually embarrassing but on oslo i actually said that which oslo is a fucking terrible that's the one that really needs to be redone the most or at least the better pieces but i i was saying that oslo they they they could call minneapolis New Oslo if they had a little more Jenny Craig and ethnic cleansing. So I'm saying there's context here. I've already, yes, Minneapolis is like Wisconsin. They're aware that they're fat.

They pride themselves in being fat. I wasn't telling women they were fat. I was on the phone just pretending to be on a call talking about how fat everyone in Minneapolis was. I wasn't pointing a poor lady out. I didn't Christine Levine someone like an awful waxer. That sounds better. I've seen you in the Sky Club before. I was just picturing the worst is all happened there.

Well, good thing Bingo remembers you. You got no sympathy from us when you chat. We're thinking the exact same thing. It seemed funny at the time. And this was a Kansas City to Minneapolis to Tucson. And then your flight began at what you said, 5 a.m. 6 a.m. Kansas City time, 5 a.m. my time. Yeah, 5 a.m. getting up and immediately. Kansas City time. 5 a.m. My time. Yeah. 5 a.m. Getting up and immediately drinking.

Sky Club open at that hour? No, no. First class. First class drinks and then keep drinking and then Sky Club in Minneapolis for a three and a half hour layover and then a three and a half hour flight. Whoa, whoa, whoa. They tell us in coach they can't serve liquor until like 10. I don't think that's true.

That's not true anywhere. No, in certain airport bars, but not. Once you're in the air, it's like Somali pirate rules. Oh, that's right. That was Tracy when she had to pound a couple down. We had to sneak booze into the airport. Maybe not if you're in class that is worst. It's been so long since we've

flown coach jail, you'll have to catch us up on the details. I can put it together in a brochure that you can read while you're waiting for your first round of drinks. He doesn't even remember flying coach with us two weeks ago. Well,

halfway, remember? Because he got bumped up. That is true. Oh, that's right. That's when you sent me. It wasn't Sky Club. It was first class where you go, who wants it? Hey, Chad, you're the biggest. Take first class. Nope. Nope. You go alone. Then you got up there.

We did talk about it because that's the guy next to you wouldn't shut up about his bi-coastal girlfriends. And he showed pictures of their butt plugs. Oh, yeah. Because you talked to the flight attendant in first class and talked him into coming back to me and said, Mr. Chaley, Mr. Stanhope says, there's no room in first class. No, no.

What did he say? He said, there's room in first class, but you're not allowed. There's plenty of seats up in first class. But you're not allowed. Bunch of assholes. Oh, yeah, we gave away stuff. Oh, yeah, I bought a bunch

because of Roxy from that podcast a couple ago. I bought more vintage Delta pins and we, bingo. Can I give it to them? It's fun. It was Christmas. Yeah.

What'd they get you? Not a goddamn thing. They made sure we had a lot of vodka. Oh, no, they gave us a card that had our full names on them and thank you very much and this and that. I do have the card Roxy gave you, Doug.

Oh, right. The thank you card. Oh, and this and that. I do have the card Roxy gave you, Doug. Oh, right. The thank you card. Oh, I'm keeping that. Yeah. It goes with the Delta Bar cocktail menu. Until the next eBay. I got a very vintage Delta Christmas. Val gave me the history of Delta Airlines,

and then Chaley's And Traley's Gave us some vintage Delta pins And I'm fucking way off course The bondage thing The end of the bondage thing That'll be the next podcast

Because we don't know what's going to happen with you But we're going to be there to witness And heckle And 5 to 8 is perfect Because that's my drinking New Year's Eve hours. I just imagine fat jokes from me when I come up heckling by you. No, I wouldn't do that, honey. Oh, shut the fuck up. Not so you could hear.

Right. It's Bisbee. They hired you for a reason because they got other fat girls. They're way fatter. And I can't say fat girls unless they're from Minneapolis. All right. We're going to take a quick break, and we have so much to get to that I'm just making up right now. Hey, let's kill that air, shall we, Chaley?

This is still burning. This candle is still burning. Little tiny flames, but I could light a cigarette off of that. I could not flag down a ship if I stranded at sea with this, but I could light a cigarette off of that. Depends on starry night or not. Starry, starry night. It's a cloudy night, really dark. You might be able to.

Who sang it? Starry, starry night. I a cloudy night really dark you might be who sang it starry starry night i don't know is that the song yeah same guy that did uh american pie don mclean it's yeah i lived in uh that fucking uh uh suicide bunker in las vegas with otis Oh, yeah, the rat hole. Yeah, the shaky junkie guy. Yeah. What did he do? Victoria said he... Oh, he's doing the cool jerk again. He hasn't got his junk.

Yeah, the booker for whatever local rock club. Oh, that's right. The place that we would play if we played in Vegas in those days, the Booker was this miserable, sad sack guy living in this junk wasteland. And he had booked Don McLean at this bar wherever he worked. At this bar, wherever he worked. And Don McLean refused to do Starry Starry Night. Vincent.

I could have told you, Vincent. This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you. He wouldn't do that or American Pie. The only two songs anyone knows. He's just doing the new shit. And he came back all depressed in that fucking broken toilet. Because Don McLean yelled at him? No, because the fucking crowd was incensed. But they've already paid.

I mean, I understand. I understand. It's like if Queen didn't play We Will Rock You, it would be a riot. And if they only had two songs that you knew, they wouldn't play either one. That and We Are The Champions. We'll play one, but not both. riot and if they only had two songs that you knew yeah they wouldn't play either one and we are the champions we'll play one but not both fat bottom girls but what about the other part well what is the other part for fat bottom girls you make the rock and roll go around i know but there's a not not the second part of the lyric but they they have two songs. I was the other day when I heard We Will Rock You and We Are the Champions.

Bicycle? Bicycle. Bicycle. I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride my bicycle. That's it. We can't do any more than that. That's right.

Ask Dave Weasel. He told me that it's... Anyway, let's get to Robin Hood. Let's get to Robin Hood. My New Year's resolution was to spend less money and invest more, which I did. My accountant called me on fucking New Year's. Was it New Year's Eve? When my accountant calls me, I fucking panic. He's going to ask me questions.

I don't know. We're going to do this thing. Well, I forget my point. Let's just get to the fucking ad copy. Spend less. Spend less. Invest more. Yes, invest more.

He's talking to me about, well, you're going to put this in a, I don't fucking know, but I know I have stocks and Robinhood. Tell him about Robinhood. Robinhood.com and Robinhood, the app. It's a great do-it-yourself, learn-how-to-invest tool that you can actually learn as you go to build your own portfolio. And that's what I did.

I did it like anyone else would. You go online and you set up an account and they'll give you a little bit of stock to start out with. I'm an old man. I'm moribund, but i still feel like a child so just saying oh yeah my portfolio i can say that in an airport bar and act like i'm with smart fuck magazine reader next to me yeah yeah in my portfolio and then i look at my cheat sheet on my Robinhood app. Well, there's a new thing that I just discovered. I want to get together with you on this. You can view collections of stocks, like the 100 best stocks or entertainment stocks or social media.

And you can drill down and you can group these things and see what's working and just follow it. And then when you want to pull the trigger, Robinhood right there. Yeah a stock broker because i thought it's funny it's still funny it's still fucking funny even for the jokes a stockholder yeah you could be a fucking occupy wall street dreadlocked kid and still on your phone you're like all right i'm uh i'm gonna trade this four taps on your phone boom yeah yeah you traded a stock with no commissions whatsoever yeah because you're not gonna pay the man man fuck the man i'm gonna get into wall street on my own i'm not paying ten dollars a trade fuck that, I'll be right with you at the drum circle. I just want to tap, tap,

tap, tap. Alright, where are we going? Like, my fuckhead friends that do fantasy football. Oh, you're going to trade Brady for Mahomes? How's that going to help you when you're 60 with thyroid cancer? It's not. You learn this shit,

maybe you have some investment you have a portfolio and then all your 60 year old friends like i knew you're fucking yeah you were you were the man the whole time you narc yeah but uh guess what i can afford health care and uh treatments because i learned through Robinhood. With Robinhood's easy to understand charts and data, you can make trades in, like you said, four taps right from your phone with the Robinhood app. Bam, bam, bam, bam. See, I always have to pause before that fourth tap. It's like hitting send on a tweet.

Do I really want this out there? Yes, I do. And Doug, commissions are always free. Other brokerage firms charge up to $10 for every trade. Robinhood never charges commission fees. Trade stocks and keep all of your profits. Robinhood is giving listeners of the Doug Stanhope podcast a free stock like Apple, Ford, or Sprint to help build your portfolio. Sign up at Stanhope.

Listen to this. Stanhope.Robinhood.com. That's Stanhope.Robinhood.com. Robinhood. That's a great place to – they don't have a catchphrase. We should make one up. We submitted them, but we haven't heard back from them. Well, you know what?

At Doug Stanhope, tweet us your idea for a Robin Hood catchphrase, and then do it at Robin Hood so Robin Hood knows that we're promoting them and that you're listening to our promotion. So at Robin Hood when you that's a fucking that's a smart idea. It's not worked out. But yeah, just tweet at Robin Hood and don't make it negative. You fucking assholes. You guys are such

assholes sometimes. Don't open your mouth if you don't know the shot. I never know when you're going to stop ranting because we don't have a catch phrase. I started when I didn't know I was starting all right anything else doug well uh yeah joe b's not here uh he's uh cloistered somewhere if that's a real word but uh yeah make sure yeah you get a couple weeks to get your uh death pool together

for 2019 doug stanhope celebrity death pool or the acronym DSCDP.com. Get your shit together now, son. I failed miserably this year at Death Pool. And you know who died that none of us had and we're huge fans? And Chad Shank sings him every night when he's drunk? Dr. Hook. And it's a fuck, I can't remember. The guy with the eye patch from Dr. Hook. His name drunk, Dr. Hook. Dr. Hook. And it's, fuck, I can't remember. The guy with the eye patch from Dr. Hook.

His name isn't Dr. Hook. No, no. He ended up not even being the main guy. No, but he's the one that everyone remembers. On the cover of the Rolling Stone. What's the other song? Rolling Stone. Sylvia's mother said Sylvia's packing

greatest line in that pack your umbrella cause Sylvia's starting to rain look it up out of respect Dr. Hook's singer Ray Sawyer dead at 81

fantastic he looked 80 in the videos that we look on YouTube oh Jesus right this is off topic we'll get back to the podcast but we looked up uh we saw it in uh what was uh scrooged i watched today scrooged with bill murray yeah and she's got a bit part as a homeless person but it's the woman that played mama from throw mama from the train yeah yeah she died right after making those two movies in 1988 don't look her up don't don't don't don't trivia oh no no stop okay you can look at a picture you remember i know exactly who it is she was

in goonies too how old was she when she died in 1988 see See, now you're saying this, so I'm going to guess 63. 59. Oh, my God. Really? I went low, but I couldn't think 50s. I asked Vuvuzela over there who was looking at the picture, and she said 83 or 81. That's fucking brutal. She laughed all the way to the bank.

Oh, what was the word someone tweeted today uh at me someone retweeted at me it was the word of the day was cram basiled cram basiled cram i think with an m either way cramram Basild. It's someone who looks inordinately old because of the amount of alcohol they've drank. How did we miss that one during the tin can rehab? I know. We have to start that again. Word of the day, actually. That's Ann Ramsey's who you're talking about.

Yes. Yeah. Goonies, Throw Mama from the Train, Scrooged, and Deadly Friend here. I see. I never saw that one, though. I guess, I mean... Is it Cram-Bazzled? She's looking at Cram-Bazzled with an M. C-R-A-M

B-A-Z-Z-L-E-D Cram-Bazzled. I don't know why you thought of me. They have nothing on Wordnik. Anyway. All right. It's a Victorian-era dialect. Oh, that's good.

All right. Now we're going somewhere with this. Back to the podcast. All right. Wait, this is the podcast. Click. Did you hang up? No, I just said click.

Student bodies. Let's get back to whatever the fuck is going on. We're back. Because I do have, it's boring, but I do have a New Year's res. What's a res? Resolution. A resolution. Yeah, I talk like the kids now.

I shorten everything to Twitter length. I still work with 140 characters. A res-a-nizz-a-lution. Res-a-nizzle? Re-nizzle! Re-nizzle. Re-nizzle. Aside from the ads, I want to...

Netflix, which never works for me here, and again, it's probably the cable company, not Netflix, but had it in a hotel in Kansas City or somewhere. Yeah, Kansas City. They had Netflix. No more pay movies,

but they had Netflix. That fucking works every time. It doesn't stop and say buffering and then you can't be fucking located and you're a dick and this isn't your account. Fuck you, we got your money. Vacuum cleaner

salesman. I'm just trying to come up with new V words. She recommended The Innocent Man. It's John Grisham's only non-fiction he ever wrote and they made it into a six part documentary that I have to watch again because I fell asleep to two of the six

episodes but I saw the end and I went into murder rage and like how do these people fucking live less be never be prosecuted the innocent man and it's the reason a million one of a million reasons that the innocence project is my go-to charity so watch six episodes of the innocent man on netflix if it works for you. Netflix, not the documentary. So yeah, I wanted to include that.

I never get to the end of the Inman story as I kept getting confused. Was the sign on the side of the car. I can't tweet it. It says Inman's Mortuary and Barbecue Funeral Special $899 includes casket, sides, and meat. But that's what I forget to bring up in front of Inman because he must get phone calls. At least three times I've seen people take pictures of that magnetic sign on the side of the airport shuttle, we call it.

So he has to be getting calls. And I can't tweet it because it's got his real phone number. But Bingo and I on the way home, I came up with, we're going to get the burner phone this week. And so if you send us weird magnetic signs, it has to be small town friendly. It can't say, but fucking kids like all of you guys on my Facebook fan group. Evidently, right? Dumb shit trying to be edgy. So, yeah, rodent dentistry. That's not the best one, but that's one I wrote down.

Rodent dentistry, and we can get a picture of a smiling rat. Again, this is only funny in Bisbee. I'm not touring the country with this. It's just people who- It's magnetic. We can take them off. Yeah. Yeah.

We get the blue tranny auto repair, which that was the first one. Yeah. And because it's not a real business, we can put one on one side and one on the other. So we're going to get the burner phone to put on all these signs. So come up with the idea now. Next podcast, I'll have a burner phone number you can put on the sign so we can record the

weird calls we get. There were scurrilous rumors when I was drinking on that Kansas City to Minneapolis to Tucson to a hotel to another bar flight that Bingo Bingaman is joining Bird Cloud. Oh, boy. Now, I was in a blackout stage, so I'm going to have to make some calls and see if that's still in play. But maybe we have a party and you play with Bird Cloud. A few covers.

And maybe it happens. Maybe it doesn't. Who's wearing the harmonica? That's all I wanted to know. Whoever got waxed most recently. I'm wearing the harmonica, motherfuckers. Mackenzie. Gump is here with his old gal pal, baby new gal pal.

We don't know if romance is a brewing. Who can tell? But Gump is smiling like a fucking idiot. And the old school meaning of idiot. Tracy said, well. Well, idiot used to mean retarded. So I'm saying the old school. He's glowing like the Atlanta Axial Instability.

Da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba. Well. She's smiling at him smiling. I'm reading through it. All right. Yeah, that's all I had to hit before we hit. Chad Shank, you want to go with your solo hit or your UPS guy? Whichever.

I'll go with my solo hit. Sightwide Death Pool. Sightwide solo hit means you're the only person on the entire website, not just in our group. Everybody on the website that plays Death Pool, you got one. It's the biggest point you can hit, right? Yeah. I mean, I didn't hit any other bonus points besides that, but it was my first Sight White

solo. That's a lot of people that play Death Pool all around the world. So Sight White Solo, I'm always impressed when I see those, so I was happy to get one. Is this your first one? Oh yeah, definitely. I was tied for first place in our little league, our

vulture club that we call it, I guess. I say league. Yeah. And so now I pushed up ahead and I don't think anybody's going to touch me for the rest of the season. For the listeners who might play fantasy football, this would be like that Henry is his last name a few weeks ago. Was this nobody on the Tennessee Titans that tied or broke the all-time single game rushing record in a game? And he was nobody known, and no one had him on his roster

and if you did, you're like, ah, fuck you. So you get a, ah, fuck you hit. Well, and here's the thing is I got it on a trade round in this last trade round on December 15th because I was scrolling through social media one

time when I couldn't sleep or whatever and kill, sleep or whatever. Kill, sleep, whatever you were playing at. And I see somebody has shared a post of an old dude in the hospital and saying, hey, please pray for my friend. He's in bad shape. And the other person said, hey, this guy was in a lot of big movies. He listed the movies he was in.

And I'm like, oh, I wonder if he's in the database. So I flipped over. And he was not in the database. But you can petition. And I looked, and he had a nice Wikipedia page. He was a porn actor. A porn actor? Yeah, it was a regular actor and then a porn actor.

He was known as being in a bunch of scary movies. Cannibal Holocaust is one, I guess, that everybody knows. Yeah. But he was also in Debbie Does Dallas. Wow. So I was like, well, that has a good chance of getting approved by the committee. So I submitted it with the Wikipedia page and it came back the next day. It's like, yeah, he's been approved.

All right. At the same time, Artie Lang had been tweeting out a lot about how he had been off heroin for 41 days already and he only did cocaine one time and I don't know how he did it. But I was like I believe Artie

can make it the rest of this year. So I dropped Artie and my death pool and I picked up this guy and I was like, I believe Artie can make it the rest of this year. So I dropped Artie. Dumped him. And my death pull, and I picked up this guy, and I was the only one. Robert Kerman. You said that he- Known as Arbola. Oh, right here.

Arbola virus. Yeah, I don't know what it is. But you said he was a regular actor and then a porn actor, which is the opposite of what porn people try to do. I think he was porn and then regular. I'm not sure. I'd have to read his page again. I just saw a picture of him in the hospital and knew he was short.

That brings up a point. We have to do porn and eggs again. This is an idea we did once that we stole from a bar in Madison, Wisconsin. But we did tranny porn, didn't we? Because it was Sunday morning they would do porn and eggs, where they'd show classic Debbie Does Dallas, deep throat, behind the green door porn, playing on the screen during Sunday brunch. And we always wanted to do it it was a mainstay in madison but we were always too hung over after saturday night to go to

fucking brunch so we did it here and it was it was a lot of fun and we had some vintage like almost like a flapper girl you know silent movie silent movie porn. And after that ran two, three hours, and people are still here, had Derek put in some tranny porn to see if anyone is even looking at the screen anymore. Then it just turned into an empty

room with two weird dudes standing here watching the TV. No, the people that you thought were the least weird. The people that you thought would leave are the ones that stayed fixated because they probably were born before porn. They're used to 8mm reel-to-reel porn.

Like, oh, you can just put this in your TV and it goes? But yeah, we should do that again. I do want to I just looked it up on Stanhope's Celebrity Death Bowl. Chad, you're in Doug Stanhope's Vulture Club. You guys are 19 in the top 20. And you are going to win.

There's no way. 285. The closest person to you is 206. Yeah. Somebody would have to get a big hit today or tomorrow. Speaking of big hits, thanks for setting me up for a segue. Tell us the UPS guy story. Because you were motivated to actually write, to create.

It was like an exercise that I've gotten in cognitive behavior, cognitive thinking class and stuff that you go through. And that's why our numbers are slipping. Where you write. You can write letters. When I was a kid, I read about Abraham Lincoln would do it when he had enemies that he was angry with politically. He would write all the shit that he would love to say to them down

and then burn it, not ever fucking let anybody else see it, but it helped him get it out there, feel good about it. It's cathartic, I believe. It's like deleting text messages. That's kind of what I use Twitter for. Just whatever I'm angry or feel about, I just put it there. So, yeah, I wrote a letter to the UPS. You want me to read it?

Yeah. All right. Was this right after it happened? Yeah. Yeah. I was trying. I knew that what I was angry about was completely stupid and that I would look like an asshole. If I picked up the phone and called and was like, God damn it, they would be like,

Whoa, this is a crazy guy on the phone. When you sent me the email, I had the money in my pocket waiting for my UPS man who goes over and above to take care of us, make sure our packages are not in the rain, and I couldn't catch him to give him a Christmas

tip. So you sent me this and I'm like, wow, what a dichotomy. I'm chasing a UPS truck to give them money while you're trying to murder them. When I first became angry that the neighbor became friends with the UPS delivery driver, which is, I'll give it away. That's what I was irrationally angry about. You were one of the first things that I thought about when I started thinking rationally about it. I was like, Stan Hope is fucking probably great friends with the UPS driver.

But I just, I was, some things, I get used to living in solitude is my thing. And I'll try to justify it as much as i can right now but that's what all i'll say where you are i live in people think of bisbee and think it must be if they've never been here out of the way you're fucking out of the way well he explains that in the letter why you read that because i have a i have a point to where i i was disagreeing with you and then all of a sudden it kicked in i'm'm like, I'm with you. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. So go ahead. Don't encourage me. She's crazy. That's not healthy for anybody.

Dear UPS, I live on a dead-end dirt road. One of the reasons I moved here is because I don't like people. A few months back, a new neighbor moved in across the street, and she receives quite a bit of packages. This alone is not a problem, but she seems to have made friends with the driver, who now honks several times in an upbeat, jolly manner when he delivers her items. He then has to turn around at the end of the road, and again, he repeats the jaunty little honks to say goodbye aside from the handful of residents this is literally the only traffic on this road and the repeated unnecessary honking causes my

dogs to lose their fucking minds and it aggravates the fuck out of me because i am a miserable unhappy human being. Please fix this shit or I will. Thank you. So that was my rational letter to the UPS about a friendly driver during the holidays. I'll tell you where it flipped on me because I was like, come on, man. He's just a little... I get it. You know, they might like, come on, man. He's just a little doot-doot. I get it.

You know, they might want to come out. Oh, it's at least seven. What if it's steaks in the mail or shrimp or something? Schwan's man does the same thing when he pulls up. Or a former sponsor. With a UPS, man. I can even forgive it. See, now I'm getting angry about it again, you guys.

It flipped for me, Chad. When he turned around and came back in, again, that's egregious. Forget it. Right there. And it's not, it's, it's, like seven or eight fucking hums.

So he fashions La Cucaracha on a fucking one-tone horn? Yes. It's bad. I'm telling you. I get mad about a lot of shit, but that's one of them. But you're right. It's the unnecessary part, because I could forgive the part of letting know she has a fence and a lot of dogs.

He can't go in there. I get it. Perfect excuse. Honk the horn to let her know she's there. They do it for me if I'm not out there sometimes, and I don't even want them to if I get a package. This is why it's important for you on Twitter to tweet at HDFatty and let him know that for him to write letters like this is beneficial to,

what do you call it? Cathart. Yeah, but he just said he's been listening to some shit. He had a bigger word, shit on tape. Oh, no, it's stuff that VAs have, cognitive behavior therapy, CBT. Yeah, so this is a good behavior for you to write these things out and put them on the podcast rather than kill the people that bring us Amazon. I am definitely going to try to do that because I do at the end of it.

By the end of it, I was already making fun of myself about being a horrible, you know. But you saw where you can turn that into a positive like I've done with stand-up comedy. La Cucaracha! My poor dogs. I don't know what the fuck to do. We have, because it's the holidays, I have a shitload of thank yous. We all do.

And then we'll do our New Year's resolutions. If you have one, mine's boring. But Bird Snatch, not to be confused with Bird Cloud, but bingo, if Bird Cloud doesn't take her, maybe we put her to Bird Snatch. Well, this is awkward because a lot of things get re-gifted around here, and since it's the holidays, somebody got the big dick Jesus on the cross. Do you want to show that off? Nice lady whose name we don't mention.

Gump's new squeeze. Yeah. They sent a bunch of stuff. Bring it up close so Chad can see it. It's Jesus on the cross, but with a huge Chad Shank dick. I don't need it that much closer. That's good. And he sent us dishes that say, where the fuck are my glasses? Or I'm just

trying to get my shit together. And some really weird pendants that I re-gifted to our ladies, the Mrs. Traley and the Mrs. Dingo. They say ugly things. I wanted one of those, by the way, but I gave them away. Are there ashtrays? Is that what they are?

I guess you could put a biscuit on there or something. Soap tray. Soap tray. I have an odd shape for a soap tray. Adam Kokesh and his gal, Macy, showed up while Bingo and I were in Kansas City with 85 cases of beer. Like, we were going to have a hoedown. Hey, we drove a long way to be here well i'm not there so so they dropped it off with the chalice tralies well they came up to our house which i'm

like how did you find us well i give my our houses crazily painted although on on our street it is getting a little crowded with crazy paint. Yep. Yeah. So anyone could have got that beer. Back to our mic, Jen. Fucking back to that. Yes, thank you for the...

Oh, and I forgot. I hid it back there. A bottle of Jack Daniels too, Doug. Oh, cool. So two cases of beer, a six pack of Dos Equis. It was also loaded with a bunch of... I assume they're the same person. It was also loaded with a bunch of, I assume they're the same person.

Adam Kokesh, he's got a book called Freedom Book. And it's libertarian shit, which I am having to distance myself from libertarianism. Because so many Trump people are leaning that way. And I realized, that's why I stopped running for president. I don't really get what the fuck I'm talking about there's libertarian points of view i agree with but what the party is so he's gonna book read it make up your own mind uh your letter was illegible he wrote me a whole letter and i'm like i can't read half these words but your gal macy wrote like a third grader cursive girl writes. And she's trying to invite me. I've been invited before to Anarch Awakening in Acapulco.

It's a very pro hallucinogen anarchist libertarian thing but it's in alcapulco mexico where i just watched a documentary on hbo real sports about how the just something alcapulco is a fucking ghost town because the fucking gangs shut every business down because no one can afford to pay the vig for protection i'm not going to fucking me ever. Not in a Trump presidency. Not as an American that's fucking balding anyway and looks like a skinhead trying to fucking grow his way out of it. It's David Tell's. It's David Tell's bit.

Yeah, it's safe as long as you stay in the American sector. I can't do David Tell, but you know. As long as you stay in the American sector. Sure. Whatever it is. I don't even know the bit. Are you sure you're not mispronouncing that? It's a narc?

I was going to say the same thing. This is a big sting operation. Yeah, it's a big sting operation for dummies. They're going to come to a narc festival. I feel bad. Oh, sorry. I just realized my faux pas there, Chadley. We should give him an out. All right.

If one guy has one brain cell, he'll figure out it says a narc. Everyone else. How would you pronounce that otherwise? Anarchy. Anarch awakened. Okay. Yeah. I got it.

Yeah. This is why you read half my books and then fix the other half. I got you. All right. Audible sent us a cooler bag with the. They sent us Christmas gifts. Yeah, freezing wine glasses and shit that Tracy immediately scammed because she's the wino. I might be switching to wine for a while.

After the fucking boo shake episode, I might have to go to the drink I drink when I'm not drinking tonight, which is red wine. I bought some today. Kyle Pogue sent a card. I don't usually mention greeting cards, but today. Kyle Pogue sent a card. I don't usually mention greeting cards, but he's Kyle Pogue, and we like him. Tom something. Couldn't read his last name.

They're on the trash cans now. The United States of fucking crybabies or something. It's good art. Those are new trash cans, so we do need more stickers. Swear word. I don't know where this came from.

Bingo, I assumed, opened it. Swear word coloring book. No name, but it's colormom.com. They do adult coloring books. Someone who knows that I hate the UK, he's from there, sent me The Evil Empire, 101 Ways England Ruined the World. That's from there. Sent me The Evil Empire, 101 Ways England Ruined the World. That's from Squeaky Tiki. And I know they sent some shit I liked before

or maybe I just like the name Squeaky Tiki, but I remember them. Different Drummers was a compendium of artists living in Thailand. They have a nice tight-knit community of expat artists and I met him when I played Bangkok on that fateful night that I risked going to fucking prison for the rest of my life.

Kevin Cummings, thank you. It said, by Kevin Cummings, and then it said, poetry by so-and-so. And then I go, this is going right into thrift store, because poetry is awful. But then I went, oh, he sent a note. I met you at that gig. So then I thumbed through the book and I saw the Doug Stano chapter. So I skipped to chapter 28, skipped the rest of the book. But yeah, he couldn't tell my story about being there.

He alludes to, I can't tell you why he might have missed this gig. Oh, that was nice. And I'm not going to say it again either, because if I'm coming back on the road, which is completely possible as my bank account dwindles. Get ready, Thailand. Yeah, I'll have that story for myself, but he did write a nice story about me,

and thank you. I liked meeting you, too. Thank you to everyone who bought stolen Bibles. We sold out every time we found more, they'd sell out overnight. Thanks for that. It made the Traley's Christmas better.

Shank's Christmas better and made me proud. Let me jump in here. Thank you. Cameron from Great Britain bought 10 Bibles, which it's not easy to send something

that weighs that much, right? Yeah, yeah. But I do have to say, Cameron, your brother ordered first. So, Nathan, good job. Cameron, you're fucking riding the coattails. I do want to say,

Studio Mariposa, we went to their Christmas party over in Naco. If you would like to help out, it's end of the year. If you want to donate, donate online at studiomariposa.org. And that's Gretchen Bear and everyone over there. We had a fucking blast. We're going to have a merch special.

Doug got some, I think those were artists. Yeah, they were artists' copies of your book in paperback which is now available we're going to do those a book in a podcast t-shirt for one low low price check it out at doug stanhope store.com wait that's fucking wrong doug stanhope.com store uh also youtube episodes working on it with Easily the Worst. Oh, yeah. Everyone who says, hey, where's the YouTube versions? We'll get it going.

Well, just put out your own until we get it done. It has to go up there in a certain way. It's stuff that you don't have to deal with. But Easily the Worst is kind of, he's working into it. He's got some custom software. He sent us some weird thing that's... We already talked about it. The luge.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We talked about it on a podcast. Yes, we did. Yeah, that was cool. And we've got the new store is being built next door in January, and I'm looking for a solar off-grid kit. If anyone is interested in sponsorship on the podcast or you've got a good idea on how you can help me out,

I'm looking for a 400-watt system, StanhopePodcast at gmail.com. Chad, to you. you got a good idea on how you can help me out. I'm looking for a 400-watt system. StanhopePodcast at gmail.com. Chad, to you. I got Christmas gifts is what I walked into when I came into the fun house tonight. So it looks like Ian Russell brought me a Bible and $100 cash, which is very much appreciated. Nothing makes Chad happier than cash. I'm telling you what, much appreciated. And he helped us out because we were short three Bibles.

Swear to God. And he had three Bibles plus this Bible for you, which I know you're probably just going to give us. And then I got a card that says Chad motherfucking Shank, which is, I like being the best. That's your real middle name, though. Yeah, I like that. He didn't know your mother. That's your real middle name. It makes me feel good.

That one has a $100 bill in it, so I just got $200 for Christmas. Overserve him, Tracy. Let's fleece his pocket. Where's my blackjack? There's a letter in that one, and it says, Chad, I'm not able to subscribe to your Twitch feed, so I'm prepaying for another year of Monday motivation and barely contained homicidal rage.

Turns out the charity I would normally send this to is a piece of shit, so this is a karmic balance that has been restored. Merry Christmas to you, Jenny, and however many kids you have scattered around. Here's to a kick-ass 2019. Cheers, Will T. Thank 2019. Cheers, Will T. Thank you very much, Will T. And there's a

sticker in there. Connecticut Brewing. You just said you needed stickers. Oh, shit. I got that guy. Yeah, no, he sent me Connecticut. Connecticut? Connecticut Brewery. No, I

thought the same thing. Oh, did I just skim over it? No, I thought the same thing. Oh, yeah. Cananacut Brewing. His first name must be Conan. Cananacut. Yeah. So thank you very much. When Chad, when you were coming over to do this podcast last minute,

which I appreciate. Gump said, when does Chad get here? And I said, well, he's supposed to be here at 5. It's 5.04. So now that you're with your gal pal visitor for the holidays, you should dress him down about him being unprofessional. Tell Chad, when we say 5, we mean 5. So he can look good in front of the girl he goes i don't think i'm the guy for the job see so so if he if he if he if he does throw you a like

a wrestling move out the door at some point you take the dive oh my god oh i'm way ahead of you i always figure shaley tells me what time to be here and what time we're recording, which means the recording time is the important part. So if I'm having trouble breathing or throwing up because I don't want to leave the house, it's all right. And I can be slightly behind from the arrival time because I'll drink fast enough to be ready for recording time. Well, maybe that's your New Year's resolution. To be fair for that hour that we sit here, we don't talk to each other.

We just stare and remember, oh, I was going to say that and write it down quickly. Or we do talk to each other and you go, no, that's podcast shit. We can't recreate it. Save it for the podcast. My New Year's resolution is to spend less money until I start working again, at least. And

by saying I spend less money, it's also putting the hammer down on Bingo's foot where these giant Amazon packages come in for one pizza bar fucking bonded show at 5 o'clock. these giant Amazon packages come in for one pizza,

pizza bar, fucking bonded show. That's disability money. You faggot. That's not your money. And that's how the country works. Bondage equipment is a write-off for disability. It's medical.

That's a medical device. Sir, that's a medical device. It's like four-point restraints. Smell it. Smell it. That's a medical device. Sir, you need to be in traction for a short time. With some lacy panties. De-hoarding.

I've done a good job of de-hoarding, kind of, except for that addition on the house. That's house-hoarding, I guess. But no, it'll work out because we're going to need a lot of space for all these fucking stupid Bibles we have to sell. I forgot it was going to go up high. They end up doing something like, oh, yeah. Because it's been a while since I looked at the plans. But it's coming along. Anyone else have a New Year's resolution?

No. I always have the same one but it's coming along. Anyone else have a New Year's resolution? No. I always have the same one. Switch to DHL for chat. I'm going to try to be an actual person and do things that a person would do on a regular basis for more than three days. Three days is pretty much my record, so I'm going to try. You're going to use a knife and a fork for eating this time. I've got medication that I got weeks ago, maybe months ago now. I don't even remember.

I've started taking three different times, and I've never made it past three days taking this medication. So I'm going to try to take my medication. Jenny's tired of me being fat. So I'm going to try to take my medication. Jenny's tired of me being fat. And despite my recent windfall, I need tires on my Jeep really bad. So that helps. So I'm still going to be a poor motherfucker. So Jenny's got to put me on a broth diet, she says.

After the new year, I can only eat broth. Hello, hypertension. Yeah. I think she's trying to kill me. Yeah. I'm for it. I'm for it. I have a-

She is a tie. A few days ago, or I mean a few weeks ago, I had an electricity blowout. Jenny plugged in too many space heaters into one circuit, which I told her not to do, but she did it anyway, trying to kill me, I think, because then it blew out a whole panel. And so I have to go out there with a multimeter and try to fix it, narrow down where it is. Well, I ended up shocking the fuck out of myself

like three times because I'm not an electrician, I guess. Or you don't know how to use a multimeter. I do. I did good on that part. It was the forgetting and the uh forgetting it's probably the weed part which part did you touch your tongue to we're being honest it was probably the weed part that fucked me over because i would think that i had already turned i turned it off and on

so many times testing it i'm like oh it's off and then i'd just be cranking on it with a screwdriver and then and uh so now um almost every day i have have this flutter going across my heart that feels like I'm being electrocuted all over again. So I'm really, if I link it back around, it's a death pool tip, I guess, for people. Ay, ay, ay. We're all in the database. I'm hoping this might go out. I'm hoping this might be it. I've promised not to kill myself,

but Jenny wants me to dig holes while I'm having heart. That's a hell of a way to go. Electrocution? It seems like nobody dies of heart attacks anymore. What? Someone died of a heart attack. I thought I was having a heart attack the other morning. And I go, that would be cool,

because nobody does that anymore. No one has heart attacks. It's very rare. We play death pool. I might hit it. I might hit one. No one dies of heart attacks. No one famous does. I guess because they have

money. They get it checked out. They go to doctors. Nobody cares about fat people is probably what it boils down to well i mean when you say nobody uh according to the cdc every 40 seconds someone has yeah but those are i mean those are those are right yeah oh not database everything you read you're right because at some point when we were catching on to who dies when and at what age, I realized there's no fat actors anymore. John Goodman had lost all the weight. Everyone was losing all sorts of weight.

I got Ralphie May at the cusp of fat is not filmable anymore. So, yeah, those fat people, they die, but you don't see them in the trades. Before the fat 2 movement. Bingo has a New Year's resolution. Well, speaking of on a regular basis, I'm getting this butthole of mine waxed on a regular basis. It's that fucking good. I think you have to now, don't you? Well, you're going to have to learn how to do it yourself

with disability money. I ain't paying for all your dumb fucking projects. I wonder if it's like shaving your chest as a gentleman. Does it itch after three days? No, I did get full body shaved the other night. So that'll

grow back. I don't ever take off my clothes between November and March. I just wear long johns. I'll once maybe a week at best shower so I won't even notice it growing back but yeah, I did get shaved. Val and Mamu got you good.

They did a really good job. I'll clean up the bathroom. Wait, what happened? The night before the waxing. Before the powder party. Okay. It's a proven fact, just so you know, that every time that you get your butthole waxed, it tears off the top layer of your butthole.

You can look at it on the wax. You'll see a perfect butthole right on there. I thought you were going to say. I don't give a flying fuck. I'm in. And over time, your butthole will just become one big callus. Like a thumbprint.

Like what happens on the bottom of your foot. It's just all tough. I thought you were... You can scrape it with a knife and you get that Parmesan cheese stuff that falls off of it. I thought you were going to tell Bingo that every time that she gets her butt waxed, an angel dies.

My butt cheeks right now sound like I'm blowing up and making a giraffe balloon. Magic balloons. That's what my asshole sounds like right now. It's fucking thrilling. Oh, shit.

That's brilliant. Bingo's going to gonna smile again let's close on that bingo try to smile for the rest don't buy stuff on amazon just keep trying to smile and uh be happy for the rest of this year i'll try to spend less money which will make you not want to smile and uh chaley did you have a new year's resolution well i was trying to think of one but uh money which will make you not want to smile. I'm fine with that. And, Shaylee, did you have a New Year's resolution? Well, I was trying to think of one, but no. Shaylee's perfect. He's very content with himself. I'm very content, but I miss my brother a lot. I haven't seen him a lot.

This is the first holiday that we haven't really... He bought another place. He's moving Ghost Ride from Washington to Boise. They just bought a place. So they've been really busy. I haven't talked to them all Christmas. It's the Ghost Ride from Washington to Boise. They just bought a place. So they've been really busy. I haven't talked to them all Christmas. It's the first time I haven't talked to family.

That's something that's not in my notes. All those times. I should put this in my notes. All those times I try to do that dumb Sklar brother twins bit, I could have been doing the bit about you and your brother, that you're redundant. One of you is plenty. It is kind of funny because I remember when you were doing the bit and you're like, I don't really know twins,

but there's these Sklar brothers. I'm like, I'm with you like 27 hours a day. Yeah. And you know I have a twin, and yet you use the Sklar brothers who your fans know more about me than the Sklar brothers, to be honest. They are twins. That's

my other New Year's resolution is I'm going to try to be more thoughtful of Jaylee's feelings. There goes the podcast. Well, I guess I can get a job at Mod Pizza. They're opening in Sierra Vista. Oh, no, there's a pizza place.

It's a doubling is a bonded shop. Can you tie a slipknot? Do you have your Boy Scout merit badge and not tie? Because, yeah, you can work the pizza shop, shuffle out one job. You shuffle out some fucking chicken barbecue pizza. out some fucking chicken barbecue pizza. You apologize to the bar staff for being inappropriate with your comments about the ladies. And then you tie a girl in fucking knots and hang her from the ceiling. One job, Chaley.

I just realized why they made all the girls get waxed. No one could say, there's a hair in my food. Surprise. It's because they're going to have the fire swallowing guy from the pizza place we were at in vegas and they don't want to accidentally burn off anybody's hair uh the crowd that goes to that pizza place would actually go why is there not hair on this why are you submitting to a man's fucking desire what What kind of bondage show is this? Waiter, there's

not a hair in my suit. Waiter, there's not a hole in the bottom of my chair. What kind of bondage place is this? That's a podcast as far as you're concerned. Happy New Year. Tweet me at Doug Stanoop, at

Greg Chaley, C-H-A-I-L-L-E, at Bingo Bingaman, who doesn't ever check her tweets, but she will. She'll start to. That's her New Year's resolution. I just busted out the best tweet of you. Why don't you fucking plug your book one goddamn time? All right. Yes.

I wrote a book. bingobingaman.com at HDFatty. And I think everyone else in here would prefer to remain anonymous. And then more importantly, go over to my Twitch at HD underscore Fatty and give me your free subscription that you have

just by being an Amazon Prime member. It's real easy. There's instructions there. And watch you fail miserably. We even Prime member. It's real easy. There's instructions there. And watch you fail miserably. We even join in. I have so much fun joining in on your Twitch feed when you're fucking sucking at video games and

going apoplectic. So yeah, join us in the new year. Say it again. The Twitch. HD underscore fatty. No, it's twitch.tv slash HD underscore fatty. There you go. Yeah underscore fatty. No, it's twitch.tv slash HD underscore fatty. There you go. Yeah, twitch.tv.

Yep. Simple, simple, simple, simple. It's fun. I was on it last night. I was just hanging on it last night. It's so much fun. You can find it. Go to my Twitter.

I tweet about it all the fucking time. There you go. All right. Hey, thank you guys. We'll have a great new year. I'm sure of it. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Neku-ku-ra-cha!

What's up? Cock-ells! Do it again. Do it again.