The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #297: ...It Will Probably Just Be Blood Anyway

Episode Date: February 6, 2019

The day after the Big Game is Stanhope's New Year's Day. Why are Chad, Jobi are very comfortable with expelling blood and Jonathan shows up with a Derrick taxi story. If you are thinking of making a magnetic sign for Doug's Shuttle, do it right the first time and include the phone number for the rubes to call -  [phone]\. And, Doug does not answer this line. Nobody does. Google Translate weeds out the miscreants and I delete right away.  Email your questions for the podcast to [e-mail] Recorded Feb. 4th, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Jobi (@DSCDPAdmin), Jonathan and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. This episode is sponsored by [**Squarespace.com**](http://squarespace.com/stanhope) – Go to [Squarespace.com/STANHOPE](http://squarespace.com/stanhope) for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code STANHOPE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. [**PricelessPillow.com**](https://pricelesspillow.com/) – The most comfortable pillow you will ever sleep on. Log on to [PricelessPillows.com](https://pricelesspillow.com/) and use the promo code STANHOPE for 30% off your purchase. Stanhope Store Merch - New Podcast Coffee Mug, VHS copies of “Popov Vodka presents Doug Stanhope" and, for a limited time, "THIS IS NOT FAME (Paperback) SIGNED WITH a PODCAST T-SHIRT! - [http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/](http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/) LINKS - Check out Chad's Twitch feed – Twitch.tv/HD_Fatty We like what they are doing over at [http://www.FIRRP.org](http://www.FIRRP.org) - Check it out Support the Innocence Project - [http://www.innocenceproject.org](http://www.innocenceproject.org)Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night. Good night. Good night. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. You going? Yeah. I guess we can just open with Joby. I get some notes of stuff.

But since Joby walked in with the... We're doing this 10.30 a.m. taping the day after the Super Bowl, which I thought would be a good idea so I could get out of town. You're going to Vegas, right? Yeah. Yeah, Joby summed it up perfectly. He walked in and sat down and he said, I should probably throw up, but it'd just be blood anyway. Yeah.

Just be blood anyway. Yeah. Which spurred Chad Shank to continue on the conversation about how he should go to the doctor, but he has more fun wondering whether his stool is going to be more stool or more blood. I think it's doctor time. I mean, I'm not a doctor. What's the point of being suicidal if you're just going to go to the doctor all the time? I avoided most of the Super Bowl by watching it in bed because half the people were in the funhouse, half were out at the patio smoking.

So I just crawled in a bed and everyone assumed I was at the other part of the party. Not party. I was going to ask you if it turned into a party, but if you stayed in bed, it probably sort of did. We knew there were going to be people that just assumed, friends of ours, that people you can't say, ah, there's no party. Right. So it was more than I expected, but no interlopers. Good. No crashers.

Bartender's here. Tracy's here. I'm still trying not to drink. You know, I'll fuck it. I'll have a drink. Tracy's here. Well, yeah, just to catch you up from the last podcast, my no smoking, no drinking, no pills thing,

that went into day eight before I folded. I was trying to make it 12 days to go into the Super Bowl, but I made it long enough. Felt good. No smoking in the Funhouse for a Super Bowl. I thought that was a nice touch. Yeah. Well, when Fred's here.

Yeah, it was great. But, yeah, I could have a cocktail or two and then go back and take a nap. I've fallen asleep to that abducted in plain sight like four times now, but it's pretty good. I shut it off because it was annoying me

that those people could like, nobody's that fucking stupid. Did you get to the part where the creepy guy asked the dad for relief? No! Yeah, if you made it to the 22 minute mark, you're in for the whole thing. Oh, this just took a way

creepier turn. Relief? I might have to watch it. Yeah, you're gonna have to watch it. I got a... Oh, since the last podcast You remember We were kind of ripping on the The Windermere

Hotel in Sierra Vista Well When I checked in there There was a Package of muddy bears On my nightstand. Shit. I checked it.

I got it through Expedia. And most recently, we got a bunch of Muddy Bears from Muddy Bears. And talked about it on the podcast. And talked about it. So it was odd that they found it. So I figured one of you guys, I figured Val, because we had just done the Muddy Bears podcast, and she's the one who brings muddy bears down so i thought maybe she found out where i'm staying from you and had him sent to my room and so later on i i asked her i go by the way where did you find fucking uh muddy bears

because they they weren't our our brand they were uh jelly belly and they're not as good we did we did taste test not as good i go where'd you find jelly belly in sierra vista i don't even know that they have a fucking candy shop she goes i have no idea what you're talking about and i told her and she goes you must have a fan at that hotel and it never occurred to me. Yeah, the fucking manager listened to the podcast, saw my name come up and sent it with a nice card

and then I go shit all over about a podcast. It's too late. It's already out. So I called up and I said I would make amends. The Windermere is a lovely establishment. It just doesn't have the bar and restaurant. It has the sign for it that's always lit up, Sunset Grill. But they're going through some changes,

and she assures me that all my grievances have been addressed. So please, if you're ever visiting lovely Sierra Vista, Arizona, stay at the Windermere. Bring a sandwich and a bottle. There's an Applebee's right across the street. Yeah, Texas Roadhouse, isn't it? Yeah, Texas Roadhouse, too, right across the street. And don't forget, when you're at the Windermere,

you can always get candy at Candy World. Oh, that's in the mall. Yeah. Yeah. They moved it. They moved from, yeah, right across from the sushi place. Yeah, because I want, and those fuckheads, Candy World, they kept their sign up forever across from sushi when I was all out of business.

And I'd fight four lanes of fucking speeding Sierra Vista traffic to get from sushi all the way across to a non-existent candy world. You know, when a renter leaves a property, they don't take the sign with them. That's more of a landlord grievance, I think. I mean, let's be more specific about your grievances. Look what happened to the Windermere. Look at that. That grievance yielded an upset manager.

You didn't get Sierra Vista pissed at you. Well, I let down the whole Windermere team. You are on a first-name basis with the manager now. Yeah, Amora. Hi, Amora. Sorry for the besmirching. Whenever the bar and grill was open. That was my favorite bar in syrah it was really cool yeah

yeah it was a great place because no one was in there and if they were they were transients they were just you know as someone that was moving through town contractor or something like that business people not homeless yeah so uh so yeah it was great i didn't have to run into any locals I think it's making it worse because I put you in a bunch of bums just taking shelter. Yeah. So, yeah, it was great. I didn't have to run into any locals, anyone in town I knew, because no one would go there to drink.

Yeah. It was perfect. That's what I was hoping for. But in this economy, people can't afford to be transients. Oh, shit. this economy people can't afford to be transients oh shit so what's going on with you and moving to london oh yeah yeah i don't know if we've even mentioned it on the podcast no we haven't not yet but uh yeah yeah hack audity offered me a job and then, you know. Selling widgets door to door? Yeah, pretty much. Canadian yarn art or whatever it is. God's eye. Yeah, exactly.

So, yeah, we just talked. He was like, wow, the whole Brexit thing. You know, I offered you the job, but we got to pull it back at least for a couple of months until this whole thing gets settled. And he said, but just come on over anyway. We'll get you a couple of bartending gigs in the meantime until everything solidifies and then you can start working with us. So probably in the next month, I think I'm out. So probably beginning of March.

Well, I know when you first brought it up, you were just saying, Oh, my mother, you better not get fucking sick. Ruin this for me. Don't you ruin this for me. He just wants me over there because it's harder for me to get my hands on a gun to kill myself. Brett Erickson said, Oh, yeah, you move there and you got to punch yourself to death now yeah you had uh you finally put yourself in the death pool yeah finally you made me you said you boycott it and yeah my protestation got joe be in the death pool yeah yeah oh yeah so uh

speaking of oh bloody shank we to get people to plug that. Get people signed up. Yeah. Bloody Shank and Killer Termites. Those are the two homes that are like prizes. About to kick off. Yeah. They're going to kick off here shortly.

So get signed up for that. As you had said on the last podcast, the winner of Killer Termites gets to stay here for a couple of days, plus one. You can't prove that. You can't prove that. You can't prove he said that. That might have been edited out. Was it? Did you edit it out?

No, no, I left it in. I've got notes of where it sits exactly in the time. Yeah. Yeah, we're protected. Yeah. Okay, fair enough. But, yeah, you don't pay for travel. I think he said that, too. They just have to show up. But, yeah, yeah, get don't pay for travel. I think he said that too.

They just have to show up. But yeah, yeah, get signed up. Scheduled. Yeah. Scheduled. We might have to take this 20-minute break early. I feel another fruitful dump coming on. Yeah, definitely.

I was thinking the same thing when we got here. I was like, I'm not used to podcasting this early. I'm not even done shitting yet. I've only shit three times. I'm going to go shit. Little House is open and clean, just so you know, because we had very little traffic last night. And please notice the new sign on the shuttle when you come back.

Oh, yeah. We have to do those thank yous, too, because we got a bunch. The magnetic signs keep coming in, and we got a new one. It was an atom pop, I think, was the one that sent. Someone sent it was over there. Well, let's let them look at the new one and then we'll uh we'll take a break we'll be right back and now i'll stop the recording. Priceless pillow. I've been talking about it for weeks, and it made my nest complete.

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So if you're not satisfied, they'll take care of it. Perfect. Log on to PricelessPillow.com and put in the promo code Stanhope for 30% off. PricelessPillow.com. I want to tell you, like I said, You wake up, you're really hungover, so you just start drinking again. That's what New Year's Day is all about. Exactly. And I'm just thinking... Especially when New Year's Eve sucked. Yeah, it was really

bad. You didn't kiss anybody. Couldn't get a drink at midnight. Tracy's day drunk. And we're talking about Squarespace. Oh. Squarespace. It's hip to be Squarespace.

It's not their warning. Not our actual logo. It's a good little tagline. Yeah. It's hip to be Squarespace. And I bet Huey Lewis is available for a song. No pun. Now you've tied

it to some kind of copyright material, so now we'll get... Why are we using Stando? We could get Huey Lewis for even less. Oh, that's right. He's available. He's got a podcast now. Here's the news with Huey Lewis. You know what?

That was a fake laugh. No, I just realized that that dovetails perfectly in here because if you have a cool new idea and you want to build a website real quick, like here's the news with Huey Lewis, what better way? Someone's already got that domain and they're starting the

here's the news with Huey Lewis. And they're doing it on Squarespace. Why, Chaley? Why Squarespace and not all those other cheaper imitations? Oh, there's other ways to do it, but this is one that we know intimately because we've been doing this for years. We've been partners with Squarespace.

Well, I don't want to say partners because this is a partnership because this is an advertisement for them. But we had Squ space before we were even doing the podcast before it was even hip oh that's the heart of rock and roll sorry back when they were garage space so dougstandup.com that is uh that's a square square space presentation yes also uh bingo when she all of a sudden had a book and she wanted to sell the book online. She didn't all of a sudden.

She had it forever. It was all of a sudden she fucking let us put it out. All of a sudden she needed to market it. And what better way than just go right up to Squarespace, register the domain name, and pick a template, pick a couple, because Bingo is very involved in the artsy stuff. So she had to keep telling me what she wanted, what she didn't. But it's easy enough because all the templates are done. You just drag and drop.

I don't want to delve into the gray area of false advertising. It is simple to use. We're not saying Bingo could do it. No. Bingo could tell Chaley how to do it. Bingo is a real good project manager. She's able to rally people to do things, and that was it. Tracy just left laughing.

I think she's throwing up. No, I think she's laughing. I think she wanted to say something about Bingo trying to make her own website and then laughed and laughed before she said it and had to have it edited out. I think you're reading into it. But, you know, while she's away, let's go to the news with Huey Lewis. That's also how we manage

our online store. It's through Squarespace and one of their partners. So that's all. This is stuff we use. We've been using it for years. We're going to continue to use it. It's a good product. Like I say, it's only funny if you really do it. It's not funny unless you have a website for it.

We should actually make a website for all these fake companies people are sending us magnetic signs for and have websites for when people look up. Wait, blew a tranny auto repair? Is that a thing? And that's the way to do it. You got a funny idea? That's the quickest way. Get on there.

Get a template. Showcase your work. Blog or publish your content. Sell products and services of all kinds. The thing I like. All kinds. What I like, Doug, and you're about to gloss over here because I'll talk tech, is they're responsive pages. So that means if you move from your desktop computer, which I don't know anyone who's got one anymore, to your phone,

to maybe an iPad, the pages will fit perfectly in each of those. I know what you mean. You know what I mean? Because I know it doesn't do that on a lot of this shit. Yes, and that's fucking annoying. You have to scroll at the bottom all of a sudden.

Or it's all layered on top. How do you even do that? How do you make the letters all jumbled up like an alphabet suit? Yeah, this is the way to do it. You can also get free and secure hosting through Squarespace as well. So it's all there. One-stop shopping.

Alright, so run like your pants are on fire to squarespace.com slash Stanhope for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code Stanhope to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Squarespace. It's hip to be Squarespace. With Huey Lewis. And here's the news.

There you go. Tracy just said, how'd your poop go? I go, save it for the podcast. I don't remember eating that much. It's better than having to leave to puke like I did on that Margo podcast. Sorry. So back to Death Pool. I interrupted you.

You got shit going on. No, that was basically just to plug the Killer Termites and Bloody Shank. You don't want to get signed up and all the prizes and shit. Yeah, I got my picks in. I went off the beaten path a little bit. Picked some randoms. Like half spite, half mixed. You know who I took out?

I think I took him out, but just randomly. Danny Glover. For no particular reason. I don't know. Diehard? Not sick or anything. But then I pulled him. Chris Mortensen guy.

He's a sportscaster. He's starting to look all Bells Palsy-ish. Yeah. Bells Palsy. One side of his face drooping and he's drooling. I've still got him in my minor league team, so I think I'll pick him up in a year or two. Chris Mortensen?

Yeah. I think he'll last this year. I didn't think you even watch sports. I don't, but I just know how to research people who are dying. I wouldn't think he'd come up on anyone's radar. I thought I was... There's articles written about him. He definitely shouldn't be a fucking sportscaster

anymore. It's like Morley Safer on 60 Minutes. It's just fucking wet, fucking glistening eyes. And Jonathan's here. Yeah, yeah. Let's get him on here. Always good to see Jonathan. Wave, Jonathan.

Yeah, I got a bunch of notes. I got notes from fucking New Year's, that podcast we never did. What? The Pacer. I'm not even going to start on the fucking Pacer. But when we hit the Pacer, that AMC Pacer,

I bought drunk on eBay and then sold. Well, I didn't do a lot of research like I should when I bought the fucking thing. Yeah, the guy who bought it did some due diligence, and he found an auction that they had tried to sell it before I bought it on a different site that mentioned it's rolled over once, we think. Well, when you bought it, it had 4,500 miles, or 45,000 original. Yeah, he sold it to me absolutely secure in the knowledge that I thought I was buying a car with 4,500 original miles.

Yeah, well, you forget the, it was the exact same description from when I bought it, but with the sentence, we think it's only rolled over once. Oh, you forget to tell me any of that you fuck so i haven't i have not contacted the guy hennig it did but uh i'm gonna give him an opportunity to make it right the difference between i had to refund the guy i just said hey you know he wanted the car but uh not for the money he paid for it. Absolutely. I'd just let him knock it down to whatever price.

I'm just happy to get rid of it. Sorry I didn't know that I fucked you the way I got fucked. But that guy's going to at least pay half of that. Or we're going to have some fun with him. That's fair. Yeah. Or we could have fun. He just thought

buying a 70s car could be a fucking nightmare you'd never have seen it coming would you selling it was the nightmare or like fucking that guy over we made it right

so yeah that's coming up but then there's like I have notes I go oh fuck that we did bingo did that bondage thing on New Year's Eve we never talked about That's coming up. But then there's like, I have notes. I go, oh, fuck that.

Bingo did that bondage thing on New Year's Eve. We never talked about any of this. Chaley was supposed to be up with you. We talked about that. We talked about that. So do we ever talk about the bondage? We talked about it before it happened. That she was going to do it. Yeah.

Yeah, there's a bar in town. A bar slash pizza place where you go to see all your best bondage shows. I was like, there's a guy that does bondage. Yeah, he got some chicks to be his models, unpaid volunteer models. And then he would slowly tie them up and hog tie them on a makeshift. It was a table with a fucking velvet rope in front of it. That was the stage on ground level in a very tiny spot. In a corner.

Yeah. With a bar across from it. And you had to suck in and walk sideways to move anywhere. To look at it. Yeah. Like you're walking through some kind of sideshow, carnival sideshow that only had one attraction. And it was, yeah, it was that guy's excuse to get, hey, can you call the three cutest chicks in town? I'll do the show for free.

Yeah. You know what this Bondage show is missing? You being a chick. Instead of you being a portly, hairy dude with your shirt unbuttoned halfway to your navel. He actually stopped at one point to unbutton his halfway to your navel. He actually stopped at one point to unbutton his shirt all the way down like he was about to do something as part of the show and then just went right back to slowly

tying and untying. You don't want to give it all away for free up front. You want a little reveal. A little sexy. Yeah, and Bingo Bingo's sitting there on her belly hog-tied with that, you know, when she gets that idiot retarded kid smile on.

So she looked, yeah, it looked like a retarded kid was getting abducted. Slowly. And we're all accomplices. What do you mean you just stood there and watched? Well, we thought it was a show. When Stanhope said, a guy who does bondage, I was trying to process, like, okay, that's not like a magician or a juggler. That's just a guy who has rope. That's all that is.

He's not a talented person. Slowly losing buttons on his shirt. Just take your fetish and call it an art form. Then do free shows. I'm a professional masturbator. Is it getting hot in here? An artistic flair. I'm just going to do a Louis C.K. joke right there.

I just read a Louis C.K. article. It's on medium.com. I don't think there's been an article written about Louis C.K. that didn't immediately get published. I don't think anyone got rejected writing something about Louis C.K. I think they're just desperate. When I was having that around New Year's I was having a Twitter

battle when they released his bootlegged full 49 minute set of his and I got into a Twitter beef about you shouldn't be allowed to do that

I used the analogy. If I walked into a fucking movie theater and filmed the entire movie just because someone in it was nowhere to say Kevin Spacey was in a movie. I go to the theater. I secretly record the entire movie, release it on the Internet, and then go, well, because Kevin Spacey's in the news. No, it's still fucking news no that's still a fucking theft it's absolute theft and then i get all the people go oh you're fucking louis ck apologist the reason i found out about it is on twitter people had listened to it and said oh he stole one of your bits which is a it's a similar bit and he uses a couple of similar lines but I

he's not stealing from me Louis C.K.'s not making his fucking grand return to the stage by stealing people's material I'll get someone less controversial I'll grab some Stan Hope material the other thing is it was probably a fan of his as well

who recorded and released the whole thing oh yeah the guy's cackling through the whole was probably a fan of his as well who recorded and released the whole thing. Oh, yeah, the guy's cackling through the whole thing. Yeah, a lot of table talk. Yeah. And then by the time you told me about it, we couldn't even get it because you said, see if that's even available. It was, like, knocked down to five minutes. Yeah, there was a two-minute clip that they had been using where he alludes to Parkland survivors testifying at Congress.

First of all, the bit was close enough to mine that if I, because I was getting called Louis C.K. apologist and I'm talking strictly about the issue of the bootlegging

people. Shit, this is my industry. That affects me. You being allowed to do that and it being looked at as though it's okay just because you don't like fucking Louis C.K., that's not right. But if I had gone after him, if I wrote my article, Louis C.K. ripped me off, the bit that he's doing that's supposedly ripping me off had 2 million hits overnight. My bit, like 58,000.

Not only, it didn't do me justice. If I went after him, I would have gotten fucking pressed out the edge, and everyone would have been watching my clip versus his clip. Yeah, it would have behooved me to not be apologizing for it, but no, he didn't rip me off, so fuck off. Wait a minute. Do you think some of those people have been doing that to try

and get some traffic? Hold on now. When Stan Hope said I read a Louis C.K. article, I almost corrected him with advertisements. Did you read a Louis C.K. advertisement? So, yeah, that was the last good Twitter war I got into, like two days. But then it devolves into addressing assholes and people who completely miss your point.

You should have done that. You were outraged about it and let it build up like that. And then switched it like you did in your bait and switch bit that you did where you then make fun of everybody for immediately jumping on the bandwagon. Of course he's not stealing my shit, you idiots. You know, I think it's good for the artist. I wouldn't have heard about you if it weren't for YouTube. Yeah, that's shit I put out put out that shit i already recorded that wasn't every time you see a comedian live it's practice unless it's the actual taping of the special every single show is fucking

practice on some level you're getting it a little bit better, polishing it a little bit more every time until you feel like it's ready to tape. Even the recording, sometimes one of the tricks is you do two shows in one night. You don't wear something different in the second show, so they can put them together. If there's something you didn't get quite right or something was wrong with the camera angle or something like that, that's still the same thing. something was wrong with the camera angle or something like that, that's still the same thing. Even if you're there to see the taping, it might not be the perfect one that they're going to actually edit it down to.

Yeah. But once it is, it's in the can. As far as I'm concerned, anything I've already put out, whether I own it or not, yeah, fuck it, steal it, share it, because I'm not doing it anymore. Or you can buy it from DougStanhope.com slash store, where a lot of this stuff is for sale. That works too. I steal from the store.

People have to buy it to be able to upload it for other people to steal. Maybe you should be the guy that buys it. Yeah, be patient zero. Someone get that first copy i think levy's doing okay he did three shortly after that stuff leaked he did three nights at san jose in uh what's the theater there you've played there oh so just down the road the improv is where i yeah that's yeah he sold out three nights and he it sold out three nights in the latency of about 45 minutes of, like, the latency on my Twitter feed. Because I saw it on Twitter.

I thought, oh, great, I'll see if I can get a ticket. And it just completely sold out three nights. Yeah. And I listened to the full 49 minutes to see if there's anything else he stole from me. And it's fucking funny. Everyone just said, oh, he's playing to the alt right now. No, it's the same shit he's always done. Same

vein. And it's funny, and I don't give a fuck what he did. You know what? How far do you want to go back William Burroughs shot his fucking wife in the head still watch naked lunch

founding fathers owned slaves a little bit worse than pulling your dick out you still read that bill of rights don't you wave that flag that's funny but yeah this was a this is a chick that wrote this thing in medium.com saying, Louis C.K. did nothing wrong. That's pretty... It keeps turning. My world's still the same.

Super Bowl still sucked. I had a bunch of notes, but I don't think they'd go anywhere. Chad Shank had all the fucking enthusiasm in the world coming in here. You said you've been to Kenny's house? You said you watched baseball with him.

Oh, at the live game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He plays the old time. But I've been to Kenny's house, too. Have you been? Yeah. For what? To smoke weed, I think. Alright. Or to pick him up. The things you have to do. I've dropped him off, but I would have never ventured in. It's gonna be kind of scary. I used to do. I've dropped them off, but I would have never ventured in. It's going to be kind of scary.

I used to do methamphetamine. You know what kind of houses I ventured into? I'm not scared. No, Kitty's house is nice. I'd be scared of getting roped into a conversation or being asked to stay for dinner. Kitty and I were the only ones there.

There was nobody there. I assumed that. He was talking about how his wife's daughter, his girlfriend's daughter treats him just as much like shit as his wife. Off the podcast.

No, but it was because he was in on Twitch and he thought, he said something about his... Oh, when he hid in the closet? Was he playing with you guys on Twitch TV? Yeah, we were playing poker

and I said that I wasn't going to be happy until Kenny got yelled at on the Twitch because he was trying to be quiet so he didn't wake up his old lady and he finally got yelled at. And you could hear it on the Twitch? Yeah. I'm trying to play a game!

I wasn't even saying anything! I imagine him with like a blanket. I said the same thing! Like a little pen light. He looks like a five-year-old on Saturday morning with a bowl of cereal and cartoons and a blanket over his head. Yeah, I know Becca's been around Kenny's

and he was in shell shock at the state of the kitchen for several days afterwards, mostly because of the state of the kitchen. Yeah, that's why I said I'd be afraid if they'd invite me to dinner with all those fucking kids and babies and riffraff and baby's daddies and there'd be a lot of Velveeta cheese,

I'm sure, at dinner. Off the block. Crusty end, where they didn't quite wrap up the foil right. You want the end slice? No. No, I don't. I want to take advantage of your good graces. It must be a morning podcast, because I'm steaming up my glasses.

I saw your glasses steaming up. I noticed that. I haven't had one of those hangovers for a while. Oh, is that what that is? Yeah. I thought it was just the angle. Can he see through those? I didn't drink too much yesterday.

The game was just too boring. I was sober at halftime. I had two mimosas in the first half. Then I just broke. No, I had Tracy make me a whiskey sour. That's why I had to stop and take that second shit of the morning because it was whiskey sours with the raw egg whites. Yeah, the next day I'm close to the John.

I don't know why you do that. Then I just pulled out the bourbon. I was just drinking straight bourbon so I didn't have to fight through the crowd to get to the bar. I had a bottle stashed in there of bullets so I just drank that and then the fourth quarter I took an

edible. Oh shit shit that's right and then that's when it was so much fun because i had uh i uh uh kenny had the the last square for 500 bucks with like four minutes to go and i'm well we have a ten dollar pool and a one dollar pool Kenny, I mean, he was very close a couple of times. On the $10 pool. And he had it. If they didn't score in the last four minutes, and it looked good for Kenny, but we know Kenny.

And now it's higher. 500 bucks. We're just smiling, knowing it's going to fall apart. Oh, oh. Well, if they get an interception right now, boom, they get an interception. And here come the Patriots. All right. Oh, well, if they get an interception right now, boom, they get an interception. And here come the Patriots.

They don't need to score, but they probably will. I said, never mind. You'd only blow it on weed anyway. He went, no, I'd blow it on weed and golf. Shut you up. That's what Becker said. Yeah, you spend half your time on the grass and the other half the time on the grass. Becker was crushing it last night. Whenever we were playing poker on Twitch,

Kenny comes in and just crushes everybody every time. Just takes everybody's money on poker on the PlayStation. I went down from like $500,000 to I think I have $6,000 now. But every time at the end afterwards, I tell them, well, I hope you're happy with yourself because you used up all of your luck on fake money on a video game. And in real life, it's going to go to shit just like it always does. I always end the stream with

that speech and now I feel like it came true so I'm happy. Yeah, low turnout as planned for the party. For the not party. Yes. Just a little over budget with the people. Oh.

No, I had it so good. I didn't know there was a budget ever. Well, no, it should have all fit in the funhouse because it was shitty and rainy and cold outside. But enough people were hanging outside smoking anyway. It was never to capacity in here. Yeah, and very little rain. Because, like you said, you were either in bed or at the kids' table. Patio.

In the patio. The food table. Wasn't too bad. You don't have a lot of leftovers either. Some beef stew if you're hungry. No, it was pretty low-key yesterday. Friday and Saturday was pretty good fun. Quite a few refreshing beverages.

Jonathan's been shit-faced three nights in a row. I think we came over on Friday to do a bit of day drinking, and that went rather well. And I think it was Sunday morning I woke up, the back of my hand, like my first two knuckles, heavily bruised and swollen. And then I remember that I'd been in the fun house. Windmilling.

And we were listening to The Who. Oh, yeah. Just doing Pete Townsend windmilling frantically like this. And I'd obviously interfaced my hand with something. But it was a bloody good time all round. Yeah, we were fucking singing at the top of my lungs and poorly. I was waiting for it because I got a call. Trace and I were downstairs in our place,

and we have a Sonos system that's on the network. So we've got speakers in the funhouse. We've got speakers down in our kitchen. And then we had already left that night, and Jonathan was up here drinking with Doug, and I think Gump came up, and then I get a call, hey, what network is the Sonos on?

And I go, well, yeah, it's on the regular one, and it's almost like, five, four, three, two, one, we don't get fooled again! Our speakers start fucking going, I'm like, what the fuck? You played the group, you can't hear anything. Can you say it's play so you turn

the volume up? You guys don't hear anything. I don't even remember the who part. I was very impressed. You nearly remembered the Wi-Fi password, Doug. You sort of got it right, but sort of swapped over over sort of thing. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, I did see the playlist the next day.

It was, you were playing Doug's hits. He must have been DJing through someone. I remember playing Rod Stewart. Yes. Singing. Rod Stewart. If I listen long enough to you. I was fucking cranking that one.

Oh, yeah. But there's no way you were picking the songs. You don't know how to work the dice. No, Jonathan was DJing. It's a good weekend. Now I'm going to Vegas. And where else? I don't know.

You got my ditch bag? You got my Vegas bag? You got my Vegas bag? Hey, Shaley, I need my passport and two blank checks. I said, it's not like it sounds. No, no, really. I'm not ditching out. Hey, where's my ditch bag? I need A.C. Cowling's phone number,

passport, 10 grand in cash. Or the winter special, as it's known around here. Oh, I've got my Derek story you wanted to hear. Oh, yes. The Reverend. Derek was here last night all mop-topped

and looking goofy. Everyone kept saying, hey, cool haircut. I'm like, are they fucking with him? Because it literally is like a bowl that's cut around. And he could have done it himself. Parted down the middle like a floppy mow from the stages. I get it.

I mean, I have some hair issues sometimes too. But it was a thing where they're all really good at being straight. And I'm like, hey, nice haircut. He goes, oh, thanks. And then they're like, no, it looks really good. It's like, no, he said,

thanks. Why are you pushing it? Like, like they're filming or something. It's well, bingo would, you know, with a ridiculous outfit.

Sometimes it's just like stupid. All right, honey, that's not just kooky. That's stupid. They all don't hit the mark. Yeah. You get a fucking cowboy jacket on with vinyl pants or something.

Two completely different... Well, everyone says they like it. It's because they have to mention it. You're a glowing eyesore, so they have to say something, so they go, oh, nice outfit. You're a glowing

eyesore! Oh, yeah. It's Derek Taxi Services. I was flying in the other night and it was like I didn't land until 10pm. In Tucson. Texted Joby and he was like, send Kenny or Derek

and I'll get them to pick me up. And it's kind of just when you've been away and you realise that people, particularly in Warren, some people have very strange lifestyles and, you know, how they sort of live. And Derek and Kenny being prime examples of that. Anyway, picks me up at the airport, straight outside, no problem. And he said, oh, do you need anything else? Oh, I said, oh, we'll get some cigarettes.

It's like a panel van kind of thing. Like Astro Mom Van. Yeah, where he's taking the back seats out. So it's just, you can get more abducted children fitting in the back with the seats out. Anyway, we stop at the gas station, and he immediately goes and buys a pint of cheap vodka. For a two-hour drive. In the middle of the night.

And then says, right, have a hit if you like. And I said, I'm okay for the moment, I think. Anyway, we're driving down, making good time. And he said, yeah, yeah. On the days when I do these airport runs man i smoke so much weed before and like driving up here i'm like but then when i get to the airport i drive back really fast because i'm really dying for a smoke thank you mr taxi so he loads up yeah like a hopper that slowly winds down to being nothing

left in the end now he's gonna drive maniacally and recklessly to get home to smoke more weed. But yeah, there was one other. Then he stopped at Tombstone. Now he just drives to Tombstone. He said, Tombstone, it means I can have a drink. It's 30 miles away. It means I can't get fucked up in 30 miles. Oh, so they still have like like, Texas law in Tombstone?

That's not a rule. And I said to him, I was a bit thirsty. And I said, have you got any water? And he said, oh, no. Because, like, when you're driving, like, early 90s or mid-90s vans through the desert, who needs water? And he said, no, I should get some because I get really

thirsty sometimes. He said, I've got a Hall's cough drop. Did he switch it from his left cheek to his right? Wait a minute, see, this is all hilarious but I completely relate to all of this. I also hopper up on week

and have to haul ass back home to get water. But you're not a high-taxi service. But when he offered you a cough drop, it's because when you said you're thirsty, he only associates that with having cotton mouth. So a cough drop is the same as a drink of water. I feel like Chad's the stewardess on airplane explaining jive. I get it.

Yeah, yeah. I get it. But, yeah, and I discovered, I sort of invented myself. I didn't learn it off Derek, but I'm quite proud of a sort of redneck life hack was that I had a horse cough. I thought, this is, you know, quite, you know, strung. I said, oh, I'll try a swig of that warm, cheap vodka. And it works marvellously,

because the taste of it just evaporates instantly under the horse. So yeah, had a quick take on that. Yeah, good life hack. Good. There, you made it. Yeah, yeah. Now you made it. Yeah. Yeah.

I wonder if he'll double down next time and just get, you know, Robitussin. Just be hammering fucking Robo on the way down. Robo tripping all the way back. At least his car made it. That's the thing. Usually he takes one of your cars, Doug. Yeah, it was Joby. Joby decided not to.

I didn't put this fucking show together. I go with Kenny. I tell you to rent a fucking car. Oh, Binga Bingaman's here. Strolling in, watching her on security cam. So the magnetic signs, the new one. Yeah, the new one is, and I did tweet it, and a lot of people, it's been done, but I'd never seen it before.

Camel towing. Good graphic, too. When it's wedged in tight, we'll pull it out. With the number? Have we talked about Asplay? Yeah. Asplay's good. I can't find the

Blue-A-Tranny auto repair. No, I got those, because I've got to block out the number and put our number on there. Which is? Go ahead, tell me. No, I got those because I got to block out the number and put our number on there. Okay. All right. Which is? Go ahead. Tell me.

Oh, I thought you knew it. It's on my other. Oh, no. It's. That's it. That's it. You got it? What is it?

520. 520. 223. 223. 9-0-1-8. 9-0-1-8. That is the burner line. Don't call me with your funny jokes.

But if you're making us a magnetic sign, that's the one you put on it. That sounds really good. What was the other one? Oh, camel towing. As play. Gump storage. Gump storage. I don't know. They must know that that originates with chump storage.

When we used to have an RV, I had an old $1,500 piece of shit giant RV with 74 with shag carpeting. It was a disaster. But it was parked right where this fun house is now built. And that first New Year's Eve we were here, we wrote chump storage on it because we had like 12 people from out of town. All the Austin kids were out and no place to sleep.

Inman was sleeping in the crawl space. And so there was like five usable beds in there. They weren't... It would have been... In a Bangkok prison, it would have been nice. The guy running the prison would have been staying in it? Yeah. Yeah.

So, yeah. So Chump, I assume someone has heard that story on a podcast and had Gump Storage instead of Chump Storage. Otherwise, it's a little random. But yeah, Gump was very excited about that. Oh, I thought you were in the business of storing Gumps. Kind of what we've done for the last year. Oh, yes, because I was going to slap Chad, wasn't I?

Oh, yeah. Chad. Wow. We're sitting in here. Wow. He's brought that on me. Jonathan's sitting where you are. I'm at the end of the bar facing you, facing inwards.

And he said, oh, no, I talked to Chad, and Chad said it'll definitely be here Monday, and I'm going to open hand slap him. And I went, what? Well, he's looking over my shoulder and Gump is walking in. And he's talking, oh, I'm going to open hand slap Gump. Then he just got up and went,

oh, Gump. Like he's going to give him a hug and just slapped him across the face and said, sort your shit out. Sort your life, you twat. Or something like that. Oh, that's funny. But we all thought that he was somehow,

the transition from you to Gump was not obvious. It was, there was no comma. It went straight to Gump. Get out of the chair when he gets here. I'm game if there's an end punchline to it. I can take a good slapping from a little guy. I'd have to jump up. So those signs, are they all from the same

printing company? They're really good. Actually, the people who have contacted me, I've given them the one company that I know Wally Glenn used, which did the original. Yeah, Wally Glenn sent the same Inman's Barbecue and Mortuary, but with the burner phone number. And he originally gave it with Inman's real phone number,

which is funny, but I can't tweet a picture of it because then all these fucking... He redid it with the burner number? Yeah. Thanks, Wally Glenn. He also sent us this one, which is never going on a fucking car of ours. That's something you put on someone else's car

to get them in trouble. I was just about to say that the Inman's Barbecue might be my favorite one, but now I think I have a new favorite. Yeah, it's pretty dark. This is also from Wally. It says, Fuhrer's Furnace Repair, the final solution to all your furnace repair needs. the final solution to all your furnace repair needs.

But the logo is a flame with a woman and child. That's that staying on the board of intolerance. Yes, it's perfect for the fun house. But that's not for public consumption. People take it the wrong way. Absolutely. And the people that are calling, that are just calling the number to call the number, Doug's never heard any of those messages.

I've not even heard the messages because Google Translate, I can see what it is. So don't fucking waste our time or your time. No one's listening to your stupid, jack-off fucking comments. Just go back to the old-fashioned way of Twitter. That goes for social media, too. All the stuff that Shaley just said goes for social media. Well, it's New Year's morning. Oh, that's right. You said that yesterday, and I thought that is very apropos,

because it really is a new beginning. Yeah, well, our New Year's, that's the beginning of playoff season. Yeah. This is when no one shows up anymore at the Funhouse for six months. Yeah, back to work. I don't know what my work is. And yeah, back to work. I don't know what my work is.

I'm going up to Vegas to consult with my consulary. Tracy and I are splitting. Yeah, you leave the end of the month. End of the month for the St. Louis, getting ready for the St. Louis show up at the convention center with my brother's company. Oh, yeah. But you'll be here. So, yeah, I got to get that fucking Pacer guy fucking done in. Coming up on a future podcast soon will be the fucking AMC Pacer, the guy that fucked me over.

The one that sold it to you. The one that sold it to me. Not the guy that... Yeah, not the guy that I fucked over. I made good with him. But look, you bought it from someone who was not completely... I trusted the guy. Misrepresented.

Yeah. And I'm also, hopefully I won't have to go after Sonicare, but I just spent a fucking eternity. I bought a new Sonicare toothbrush, and it had a $15 rebate, and you know how that scam works. And I'm like, fuck it, I'm getting my $15. I'm going to fill out all the paperwork paperwork and you have to use a fucking it's so specific they just try to make it really difficult and you have to circle on the receipt the purchase and the data purchase and you don't send a photo

copy it has to be the actual keep copies for yourself for 15 fucking dollars check the the fucking the capper was uh uh check here i want to uh receive newsletters and updates and fucking mail and garbage and i uh i i declared that i'm over 14 years of age like wait no you're to try to trick me into fucking checking that box. That's exactly. That's two separate boxes, you fucking. And I called up and just delivered this windmill of shit to this guy. What's this fucking? So if I check this, I have to get a bunch of shit, but I don't.

Otherwise, I'm saying I'm not 14 fucking years old. Do I have to check the box? You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Oh, my God! $15! So, yeah, I'll be going after fucking Sonicare. Oh, that's great. Check this.

Use a fucking black number two fucking ink pen. They're trying to tack it on like a government fucking bill where they just hide some shit in pork. Oh, shit. Alright, so that's all upcoming.

Thank you for listening to this wonderful podcast. If you're in Vegas and you see me, leave me the fuck alone. I'm trying to do business. Even if it seems. I'm trying to do business. Even if it seems like I'm playing roulette. I'm thinking about business. I'm thinking about my future.

I'm thinking about the future of all of my family here on the Doug Stanhope podcast. So if you see me in Vegas, rush upstairs to your room and get online and go to DougStanhope.com slash store and buy something of mine. Get an autograph book there. Get a rush delivery. And I'll autograph that thing if you see me the next night at roulette. Goodbye.