The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #315: Assumed Names In Vegas with Andy Andrist

Episode Date: May 31, 2019

Doug and the podcast crew are in Vegas for the taping of Stanhope's new special. Up in the penthouse we discover that Andy Andrist hitched a ride with furries, Chad Shank has only one rule and anyone Doug has ever met who could figure out how to get to Vegas this weekend has showed up.The Doug Stanhope Podcast now has a Patreon page (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast) and would appreciate any support. We have a couple premiums to start off and more to come if this actually works. We will put out an extra podcast at the end of the month if the monthly goal is reached. This extra podcast will only be available to those who have donated for that month. Thanks in advance.  - https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcastJoin the Doug Stanhope Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/Recorded May 23rd, 2019 at The Plaza in Las Vegas, NV with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Andy Andrist (@AndyAndrist), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced by Carmel and Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). This episode is sponsored by www.DougStanhope.com/store - Order one of the last VHS copies of “Popov Vodka presents Doug Stanhope in the Funhouse” at http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ (https://www.youtube.com/redirect?v=oIPRYcY_Xs8&redir_token=THAI8ouIQDtnov1_-Z9N9CsULH98MTU1OTM3MjkwMEAxNTU5Mjg2NTAw&event=video_description&q=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dougstanhope.com%2Fstore%2F)LINKS -We like what they are doing over at http://www.FIRRP.org (http://www.firrp.org/) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org (http://www.innocenceproject.org/)  Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and Performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night. Good night. Good night. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. I asked three times and I didn't get a drink. I got two drinks. My notes. You got two drinks in one cup.

I saw that video. Are we on? We're on. We're on. I'll just work the levels. We're on the levels. We're in the penthouse suite of the plaza on one main street. The original Las Vegas.

That's what they say when you call down. When you call down to get glassware in a penthouse suite and they go, oh, we don't allow any glassware outside of the restaurants. The bars give you plastic cups. You're in a penthouse suite with plastic cups. The same cups you get in a fucking Hampton Inn lobby with that lemon water.

It might be an overreaction to the sniper situation where they don't want glassware up above 21. People could get hurt. Andy Andrus, Chad Shank, Greg Chaley, and the ladies are here. Bingo and Tracy. And yeah, we just got in. You guys got in last night. I just got in an hour ago or two, something like that.

You didn't hit your 420 time. No, but apparently I was spotted earlier I heard Before I got here Tracy did you tweet that picture? That's a great picture Oh you haven't tweeted it? When we pulled up

We took it the long way To the liquor store Wait When Shaley says we took the long way That means Shaley got us lost two times Yeah okay It happens Well we pull up and it's a it's kind of over where the dive bar is so it's not on the strip but it's like about six blocks

over from the strip so it's still kind of strippy but there's like gas stations and stuff like that and there's this guy like leg crossed over and then head, like, on a cement, like, curb. But it wasn't like a curb in the street. It was up on the sidewalk. But it must have been six or seven inches. It wasn't a thing like... It was part of somebody's fence. An embunkment.

Yeah, it was more like an embunkment. You're right. More pillow height than a regular curb. Like, pants hanging down. And I go, I'm thinking to myself, is that Andy? Like concerned. And then Tracy had the same thing going through her head. So when it finally came up, it was like, man, that guy must really be comfortable

because he's able to sleep on that abunctment of a cement. And Tracy goes, I thought that was Andy. And we all, all three of us were like, no way. It looked like Andy. You had to do a double take. Some of the clones are having trouble adjusting to the urban setting. Then as we drove past, I got an even better look

and got to look at him in the face. And I was even more convinced it was you. So that's who I, somehow, this is how I get out of it. This is how I get done with everything. I get that guy, put him in my place. Okay, yeah, where was this guy? I need to talk to him. I don't know what to do with him.

Oh, I know where he's at. You could meet him. Yeah. Maybe I'll buy him a drink and join him for some crack or something. Oh, man. We landed, we were in Oh, man. We landed. We were in Minneapolis, Bingo and I, doing three shows to warm up shows, which all of these warm up shows have caused more questions than answers.

We flew out this morning, landed at fucking you know what i i you know i'm a delta guy we had the the the the worst flight attendant lady just angry miserable in first class too and just bitchy and snarly and rotten and i welcome to coach and at the end like i like i'm gonna fuck with this lady i want like i want to cost her her job at the end of the fight though right yeah at the end always at the end sure it's terrorism during when they have all the power yeah yeah and i had all these i'm trying to sleep and uh but i'm just stewing in hatred and at the end of it i said to the other flight attendant i go what's that lady's name she goes why yeah and i said because i i want her know her name she goes we're not allowed to give out names i said she's wearing a name tag and then she walks

away so then in a brilliant uh twist uh on the way out i said to the really cranky lady i said uh hey i i delta gives you these things at the beginning of the year tell us uh like they give you four things to write up a thing about someone who made your flight better like and they get bonus things for it. Yeah. So I go, I tried to fill one of these out for you, but that other lady wouldn't give me your name. She goes, why wouldn't she do that? I go, no. And I just left the plane.

Yeah. Let them beef it out themselves. Fucking brilliant. She's one away from getting a bump in pay or something. Some kind of stuff. That cunt has been doing it the whole time. I knew it. I knew it.

I knew it. And I love that the first thing she can say because she's a robot is, we're not allowed to give names. It's like these are all pseudonyms or something. But that's just the lamest. I'm operator 235. There's five questions in the air. I mean, from a flight attendant standpoint,

there's probably about only five or six that they have to answer all the fucking time. And one of them could be name, and that's all she's got. Point being, I got here in a good mood. Just having that, like, yeah, all right, now I'm happy. Because you guys are going to fight, and I'm getting a plaza limo. Where we stole all the waters. I stole a dozen waters out of that limo.

And Andy, how'd you show up? I heard you had wolves or something. I rode here with Brett Brock and three wolves from L.A. Is that a band? Brett Brock is here? Yeah, Brett Brock is here. Brett Brock and three wolves. And the three wolves.

Oh, they're good. Yeah, they just got signed. They were stepping wolves. They're in for the punk rock festival. Because they kept stepping on my balls the whole way. The big dominant one was trying to, you know. How'd you train him to do that? I know.

He was trying to alpha me. And so, you know, but eventually we bonded and had a pretty good ride. But, yeah, so we drove over. In what kind of vehicle did you have three wolves? I think it was a Jeep. I didn't look. I just got in it. Don't sweat the details there, Andy.

I was in L.A. for a couple days. It wasn't a Prius with three wolves and you and Brett Andy. I was in L.A. for a couple days. It wasn't a Prius with three wolves and you and Brett Brock. I was in L.A. making a big splash. I saw you with Brian Holtzman. Yeah, I took a picture with Holtzman because I wanted to send it to you. At the Comedy Store, yeah. Yeah, and then I go, hey. And then later he found me.

He goes, let's do that picture. So he was equally charged. I'm not sure why. He seems to be a little tapped, a little touched maybe. He always has been. That's the beauty of Holtzman. Yeah, we watched his show last night a little bit. It was a pretty small crowd.

The end of the night? Yeah, end of the night show. And yeah, it was a treat. He had some great stuff. Use the word bitch a lot for closing there for the it's not it's never the same right yeah no he's like he's like brody but he doesn't have all those good vibes of you know yeah he's the anti brody yeah he's in the brody slot though so it's like gotham version of brody now so that's how that yeah they close up with him brett brock is here uh i i tried to do a like a mental and i i really have no memory of like all the people that are gonna be here and there's

gonna be shit loads of people kirschner's gonna be here the lawyer's coming what yeah we i owe him a bottle of whiskey well no he owes me one no but he i owe him a bottle of whiskey. Well. No, he owes me one. No, but I owe him one from a stupid fucking drunken Super Bowl bet. And he said he owes me one from a stupid bet. Maybe I'll say that, too. Maybe you can wash it out. Yeah, I can tell him he owes me one. No, make it a push. I think him and the guy who molested me owe me a fucking car.

He got all that legal money, and I didn't get shit. didn't owe me a fucking car he got all that legal money and i didn't get shit all i got was an embarrassing story and he got a fucking 50 60 you know you're still milking it though you're down there with provenza oh yeah i'm well i mean you know but the money the money part of it you know i mean we we put a shifty lawyer up to a job and then he makes a bunch of money and then you know legally he's probably not supposed to kick me some of that money but legally he wasn't supposed to do a lot of other stuff neither he's he's our bill barr now he's just stymie and come on in explain yourself jay well i uh two two friends from Alaska. Yeah, Bart. Tell these guys.

Bardo and boobs. Yeah, I walked out off that flight with our driver and bingo waiting for our bags. I go, I need a cigarette. And I went outside to the ashtray. And then this guy walks up to me with aviator glasses. He goes, hey. And I went, what? Oh, shit, Bart. Bart from Coots.

We were just up there in April for the festival. And him and Boobs. Boobs is a musician in town. Yeah, I was upstairs. Coots talking about sobriety with Boobs. And we're like, you know, Doug's doing his thing. I was like, well, if we both go out there, maybe we can kind of lean on each other in the sobriety thing so i'm surprised he's here but

that's great wait you're sober no come on no i uh i i drink less alcohol but i breathe and i breathe uh you know double down on everything else other drugs are getting ignored you know. Doubled down on everything else. Other drugs are getting ignored, you know. Alcohol's great, but it should be a gateway drug, you know. It should leave it in the past. Yeah, so I kind of got a wake-up call that I need to find better drugs. Yeah, Bart said, you remember boobs. And I go, yeah, Bart, what are you up to? I don't remember boobs.

I don't think you would have. This isn't about you, Bingo, so don't look hurt. I'm not even drunk yet. Yeah, I have to take it easy on the booze because I shit blood a lot. Oh, that's right. That's the only reason. I figured that's why you asked for a Bloody Mary, right? Right, right.

Just so you don't know. Just to trick yourself. Well, in the Fremont, I can probably get a following and people want to do pictures if I shit blood in white pants. He eats beets like apples now. I don't know. It's probably the beats. I have not talked to Chad Shank, but he's over at the other hotel, and I go, in my heart, I thought, you're doing great. You're not angry.

You're not having problems. There's no issues. I think you're having a great time so far. Definitely. I'm away from my home, which I don't want to be at right now, so I're having a great time so far definitely i'm i'm uh away from my home and which i don't want to be at right now so i'm having a good time we're two guys that aren't happy ever and then when we're together we're not happy together but it's fun but you're away you're both wanting to be away from home oh yeah yeah we're talking about a throw the mama from the train kind of wife swap deal.

But it's not fair because mine's blind and he's stronger. So we're trying to work out the logistics. Dynamics. Yeah. 70-30 or something because mine's an easier kill. It's like if the odd couple guys were both mediocre, dirty, and like cocaine. It's a fucking big for a good sake. The even couple guys were both mediocre, dirty, and liked cocaine. It's a fucking big for a good sake. The even couple. Jack Club Man.

Andy and I were already, he just got here. We spoke to Joy in the alley outside on the way over here, and then we walked over, and we were checking out all of the buskers and grifters. Yeah. What's funny is we're in Vegas, and it's my show for two nights, and Punk Rock Bowling. Which is over 48 bands like a bunch of

locations like small club venues and then there's a big festival thing for three days so it's it's big and there they have a started arrival but generally I can profile my audience in the casino yeah and now with punk rock bowling and we're next to the Greyhound

station there's gonna be a real proud it could be all three and now with punk rock bowling and we're next to the Greyhound station. There's going to be a real proud boy crossover. Hey Doug, are they lining up for your merch or is the 275 to Bullhead City?

It's running late. Now if a sniper randomly opened up on a tower at your crowd and got like every like one out of seven or one one no if there's a sniper opening fire from this casino it's at the other people it's someone from our crowd i gotta go so what hotel was that the sniper at oh it's

it's way down at the end because they moved it no no there is is it Tropicana no

it's on the other side oh what it was at Mandalay Mandalay Bay yeah because across from it is where they do that

where they have glassware in a panto suite. Yes. The sniper one. But let's not talk about gun violence. This is a podcast. Let's have some. Can you get some AR-15s to make some drinks in?

You can order it from room service, but there is no room service here. I'm shitting on the plaza, but that's why we've always come here. We've come to the plaza since before I did stand-up comedy. It's old-school Vegas, and it's no frills, and that's what I love about it,

even though I complain about it. But he wants glassware. That's a frill. Put it in your rider next time. I've always considered glassware a fucking frill the frill for society i realized when we were last time we were here on the other side of town over by the luxor and i realized that people thought i was homeless and then over on this side of town the homeless people ask me for money so i'm like in the center of this weird

las vegas caste system where i'm like you don't know who you are the economics change in that two blocks oh i'm waking up now this morning i was walking a fremont street and there was the palm frond people they weave roses and baskets and shit there's a whole bunch of them if you look right behind you we're on a marathon of naked and afraid, watching people make slippers and bikinis

out of palm fronds. Maybe that's where these guys learned it, but I got to see some gangster shit in old Las Vegas this morning. The palm frond wholesalers were uh with their big wide pieces of palm frond were given the uh the palm frond weavers the business and one of them stood up to him he tried to leave uh the guy tried to leave the little guy another guy was screaming

at him so i'm gonna you need to come back. I just want you to do the right thing. Fuck you. And he keeps walking, and they end up right in front of me. I was talking to Jenny, or I would have filmed it. I told her, I go, I should film this. And this black dude walked up next to me, and he was filming it. I go, hey, never mind. He's getting it.

World star. He started cracking up. I would have said, can't we all weave along and then walk oh dream weaver the the little guy ended up getting a good solid hook shot knocking the shit out of the guy who chased him down but then one of the other uh more diplomatic palm frond uh bystander bystander no no he was part of those about six of them over there doing some palm frond uh bystander bystander no no he was part of those about six of them over there doing some palm frond business and he runs over and he's like break it up you guys are friends and they're all methed out it was early and uh so they squashed the whole thing and separated and one guy went on down that road and one guy went on down this road. And I was like, well, that's a good ending to it.

And then the fucking police showed up on bicycles and started questioning everybody. And I was like. After it was over. After it was over. And one guy got a little tiny good shot in. And it wasn't even a fight at all. We'll instigate it tomorrow. We'll get the same players.

You work good cop, bad cop. We'll train them. We'll take a half hour hour to give them some pointers about how to get real effective with the inside shit and uh but some guy beat me to the punch because the people were talking and i was going to go over there and tell them i was going to lead them in the wrong direction and they ran that way chasing each other with some bullshit story. And another guy walked up to him and fucking pointed. It was that guy over there, a half a mile away, walking down that way. I was like, these motherfuckers are out here on meth weaving palm fronds.

They don't have problems enough in their life. You got to send the guy. I kept walking around eyeballing that guy like I was going to beat the fuck out of him. That's how this town works. It's a pyramid scheme. Somebody wants to fight, then another guy wants to fight, and then some guy with a big drink spills something while watching. Maybe I was a mark in that situation.

They were just waiting for me to get them. I'll just say if that happens again, I'll just find a tourist that's not looking, and that's my guy. That's the one I'm going to fucking punch. And then, you know, we'll see what happens with the palmers maybe we can get a picture with them after are they so they want people to buy palm ron product they weave them into roses oh i saw those i saw the crucifix and stuff like that okay you were probably distracted no i saw that shit drumming buckets. I was walking by. Those guys abound out there.

I was walking by and out of the corner of my eye thought, well, that weed looks a little dry. And then I saw that that was some sort of shit. They can't make weed into origami. Yeah, well, not yet. In those little side stores down there I noticed earlier, they advertise it. They say pre-rolls and edibles, but they're not dispensaries,

so they can't legally sell it. They're selling pre-rolled joints of CBD weed that won't even get you high. No THC in it. That's what I would do. I wouldn't even sell them CBD shit. It's probably not. It's probably palm fronds. Oh, yeah. They're on the up and up when it comes to actually providing CBD weed. and sell them cbd shit it's probably not it's probably palm fronds oh yeah they're pretty

they're on the up and up when it comes to actually providing cbd weed yeah yeah well that stuff this is one of those things in alaska and then some of the edibles they gave us at that festival didn't they were all cbd so i was you know i got cheated i ate a cookie for you know nothing it would give me a zip i thought it was funny because i think you ate all my edibles out of my bag before i got there so i think it's funny that they were cbd yeah i did uh i don't know everything away from andy yeah their bags had different stuff but eventually we all had to go to sleep so i can't every bag had different stuff i somehow know i might have mixed and matched a bit, but... Oh, God.

They should do naked and afraid. Urban. No, yeah. That's just being, you know, homeless. Have we talked about this? It's almost down there on fucking Fremont. That was that guy that we saw earlier. His ass hanging out.

You just need to take him about six blocks off of Fremont in a dumpster area, and then that's kind of their thing. And then their extraction is Fremont. Maybe they come out through, you know. You have to be naked. You start behind a dumpster naked, and then you have to go into downtown Vegas. Well, you can't get a fucking Subway sandwich naked.

You just have to be, yeah, try to live for fucking 21 days naked in a city it's a great idea they did a japanese show like that where uh they took a guy and they basically he takes his clothes off he goes into a room that's empty and all they have is magazines and he has to try and get oh to win like to win like a sweepstakes? No, he has to write an essay about this and we'll send you 10 pounds of rice or whatever, right? So he had all these things, but all day long, he's ripping these things out and writing them, but he's got to wait.

He's got nothing but water until there's a knock at the door and the postman brings him something and then he's got a thing of golf balls, a case of golf balls a case of golf what the fuck but he can you know hopefully use those to trade but then at the end he was in there for a long time he's going crazy he's fucking going batshit crazy but he was getting things but but he would be eating like one like staple of food until another thing until a sweep

stakes or something else came along and the whole thing was filmed and then they don't fucking they don't they don't do like out here they they there's no oh yeah they get sued if a guy filled up on golf balls did you see the threesome that they are the threesome they had two it was kind of a lesbian type chick and a hot chick and then a dude and and then it's just like oh naked and afraid yeah yeah fell apart early like you know the dude, the lesbian got upset because she wasn't getting cuddled. And yeah, it was an episode. Well, wait a minute, Andy. It was an episode this season. I know.

I fucked up. It was for survival. And he was cuddling with the yoga instructor. Well, yeah, he saw it. Yeah. Yeah. And the other guy was like, hey, we're all trying to survive here. Yeah.

And then the cuddler, he fucking tapped out after two days in a medical because his legs were all swolled up yeah i like that stanhope brought it up anecdotally because it's on the tv right now and you guys are fucking experts yeah i didn't even know these are like recent episodes like this might be a they just finished the season spoiler alert they just finished the season so they've been doing marathons. Yeah. Yeah. So we're a season ahead. I think the yoga trick was bullshit.

And the guy tried to smooth it over. Yeah. Yeah. She was a... I mean, what was the problem? You came out of a different way. Andy, it's survival out there. I know.

I know. I am tapping out. Do we still take a break, or are we doing Patreon? Do we bring Patreon right now? Probably not. It wouldn't be very smooth if we did that. No, it wouldn't be. But we're doing Patreon.

What's Patreon? Patreon is like... Like, fuck commercials, and you just chuck us some money, right? That's basically what it is. There's a lot of effort that goes into this part. I know it doesn't sound like it. Well, upcoming, coming up soon, instead of cocktails, we're going to go, cocktails, send us some fucking money so you don't have to

listen to we're still gonna do fake commercials and shit like that we'll still have commercials we have we have sponsors every once in a while but yeah i think that business model for i mean unless you're you know bill burr or mark maron or rogan joe rogan or uh doug b? Until we put this on video, whichever was, hey, why don't you do video? Well, because at least I can speak for Chad Shank and myself. We don't want to be on camera. It's fucking weird.

And you don't want us on camera. I don't understand. We're ugly. And for Chaley, he doesn't want to have to edit. Like, we have to... Well, let's see if Patreon can change that. Yeah.

Hold on. I had the idea that we could do commercials for people that didn't fire us before. We could do even worse commercials behind the paywall. That's a lot of production. We'd have to talk to our lawyer, but he's here in town. Oh, yeah. He's a lot of production. Yeah, we'd have to talk to our lawyer, but he's here in town. Oh, yeah. He's probably already here. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge is in town somewhere.

Yeah. We do this every week, 52 weeks out of the year. If you're listening and you like it, kick us something. If you don't like it and you still listen, I don't know why you're doing that. How do you get to Patreon? Yeah, you just go to uh patreon.com stanhope podcast there'll be a whole thing set up there to contribute all right that's patreon.com stanhope podcast i want to give a shout out to knuckleheads comedy club at the mall of america

really well it's now uh it's the house of uh comedy that i just played but it's now the House of Comedy that I just played, but it's where Knuckleheads used to be across the way. Yeah, Knuckleheads hasn't been there since the 90s, but that was my first scene. There was a scene, and I was part of it. We were all kids, and the staff hung out. Everyone hung out, And I just played. They have a comedy club there again, the House of Comedy.

Rick Bronson's House of Comedy. There you go, Rick. Did it close as a comedy club for a long period of time and then somebody else happened to put a comedy club in there? Yeah, I guess Rick Bronson's has been around for several years, but it was Knuckleheads until fucking I don't know when, but 95 is the last time I remember being there, and all, not all, a lot of the Knuckleheads staff

from the 90s came out last night, and it was such a fucking beautiful high school reunion steve-o tierney lily and they all look the same paula who i lived with paula if you read my book she's the one i lived on her couch with her 12 year old kid during the hey now i didn't read that book. Is that the pedophile book? Fun with pedophiles. That is the only book I haven't read.

That must be that one. She was there. I go, and her kid was there. He's now 38 years old. Oh, it's fucking brutal. And I go, how old... When i was watching him while you were at work how old was he she said nine i go well that's not old enough to consent i thought he was 13 but uh it was like everyone i recognized even the kid that was not nine he was like 12 13 uh i even recognized him he looked the same i was

and i said that on stage i'm so terrified of the knucklehead staff being here where i won't remember him because it's been so long and the the last night there, last night, I was doing these jokes, and I can give away the bits a little bit, but I have a bit about Me Too and how I have way better stories, Me Too, about me than people that have been blackballed and fired and pulling your dick out and this this one girl connie that was an ancillary person for a minute in the the knuckleheads days sitting up front i go come on connie how many people have not seen my dick i didn't know the fucking knucklehead staff was in

the back and then afterwards oh god i wish i could have stayed out all night but i had to get an early flight here to vegas and the knucklehead staff are giving me different stories yeah oh i was young and naive and i said oh i'll drive you back to your hotel and then you slapped your dick on the hood of my car. And I had to put it in reverse and peel out to get away from you. And then Lily's. Yeah, they were evidently. And I still don't remember where they came to Vegas once,

whereas playing the Riviera. I go, the Riviera has been torn down for like 20 years or something. Yeah, we were there. Yeah. At one point, I was sleeping in your room. You elbowed me. You were jerking off and you're like, just stop. They had better Me Too stories than the Me Too stories I was telling on stage about me.

And paid 45 bucks for tickets. That was a good picture. Yeah, I saw that picture. With the staff wearing it. I don't know if they were just fans or people that came out. The two girls. No, the eBay yard sale jackets. Oh, the jackets.

Yeah, these fucking dudes showed up all wearing eBay yard sale jackets. Oh, the jackets. Yeah, these fucking dudes showed up all wearing eBay yard sale jackets, and it was great. It's a good picture. And that was just one night. The night before, another guy had. I go, that's my jacket, you motherfucker. You're wearing my jacket. It was a good jacket.

So, yeah, that was so much fun fun and i wish i could have hung out all night and it was like stupid mall of america fun it's the the club is in the mall of america and it was just like 1994 where you you do the show the staff is fucking fantastic uh joshua i i wish i could remember all the names the birthday girl and then you go to tgi fridays like afterwards down the the that corridor of the mall is that that's a big sports bar still there there's like a huge sports bar well there's a lot of shit in the mall is that that's a big sports bar still there there's like a huge sports bar well there's a lot of shit in the mall but this was right right outside the mall beside our homewood suites was the tgi friday so that we can walk back to our hotel from and yeah i fucking

what i like about tgi fridays is you always know what you're gonna get no you don't i'll fucking tell you the truth i'm gonna fucking tear the roof off of tgi fridays the potato skins they've changed them so where it's like a cupcake in a mold so imagine an empty cupcake where the the bacon bits and cheese sit in the bottom and like this suck. And they're trying to say Baby Boomer, the new generation's killing that restaurant. It's fucking, yeah, that's some shit there. But it was so 1994 where, yeah, we're hanging out at a TGI Friday's. It's not like there's a great dive bar outside of the biggest mall in America. You're still going to get corporate shit.

Oh, I get a fucking... Let's take a break. Do you want to take a break? Because I want to piss and I want to tell you something. I'm debating on putting in this special that we're filming tomorrow. In 24 hours? You're going to

fucking riff it? No, no. I've been working it out, and it's gotten a fucking huge laugh every time I did it. But it's kind of calculated in a way, but it works. All right, let's take a break. Cocktails. Cocktails. Let's take a break. Cocktails.

This is Chad Shank. And when I'm at Stanhope's, I drink plastic jug vodka. Because there ain't no other option. Plastic jug vodka. What's your favorite brand? Tweet me at at Doug Stanhope or tweet Chad Shank at at HD Fatty. That's HD Fatty.

Hyman Doberman Fatty with a Y. Hyman Doberman? I don't know. We're on. Give her explicit instructions because that dude next to the elevators is no help. Oh, yeah. There's only two elevators that come up to this floor. The rest of the other ones only go to the other floor.

And you know what? This is a... We're back. It's rolling. Yeah. What was that? Was that a doorbell? It was a chime. It's rolling. Yeah. What was that? Was that a doorbell? It was a chime. It was a ding.

I heard a ding. Check the door. We're under assumed names that Brian Hennigan went deep tracks for names that you would have had to read both of my books to know these names. I don't think Hennigan even read my books. How would he know the names?

Hennigan, I'm doing this special, but we're filming three shows, and you know how lazy I am. I'll just let him edit it. But I don't know if I trust Hennigan to edit my specials. Oh, that's just fine. Have you ever sat in during editing? Yes, I have. Well, I've done it myself where I've looked at the special and given bullet points. Notes on what you...

But I didn't on the last one because the last one I only filmed one show. The last one being... No Place Like Home. Are you doing two on Saturday then? Two on Saturday. Gotta nail it on Friday and then I can fuck around on Friday. Friday night, you can fuck around?

Chad, I don't get what you just said. I want to talk to you about fuck around on Saturday. How you nail it. You said nail it on Friday to fuck around on Friday. That's weird math. Someone's coming for you. Please hold.

We're on the podcast. Olivia Grace is opening these three shows, and I'm debating. I wasn't available. Sorry about that. We don't know how you got in this room, Andy. Me neither. Did she open for you on the tour at all? I mean, your little, your mini tour.

No, no, no, no. But her, Kristen Becker, and White Cotton we've talked about. I'll talk to you off the air. I was going to do Doug Stanhope and Friends for the next tour because... Which we've done in the past, which is a way to build up material. Yeah, but I'm going to have to fucking man up and have an hour because there's a lot of shit in this. So, but for this weekend, I thought Chad Shank should open

because people need to know to shut the fuck up because we're filming Olivia Grace so she can put out a special. And they need to know, yeah, don't fucking shout shit out. And I think Chad Shank, at this point, most people should know who the fuck Chad Shank is so he can go out and open the show. You tell me what you want announced. I'll go out and make announcements. I don't mind.

I wear that Chad Shank shirt sometimes around, and I've had a lot of people go, who is that? I say, Chad Shank. And they go, okay. So you get respect like that. That's the expected response. I think they just think, did he just say he's going to shank me? I told you not to talk to that guy.

I mean, I haven't been taping in a while. I was at Dante's, and during the one in Bisbee, I was managing front of house and stuff. Don't you have someone go up and kind of like do like warm up from like a sitcom where they come and go, Now, everyone, you see this sign above where it says applause? When you see that go, we're going to go crazy. From the 818. I think the last one, I just, I did it myself, right?

No place like home. I just went out because we don't do it's home turf too so but before that listen I'm just gonna talk for a while like I do in a real show I think you did that at Dante no Hannigan came out in Dante's

I believe or the opener did someone came out to explain it I did because we don't do like every special you have to sit through ladies and gentlemen or and whatever they're opening bullshit off stages and the camera that follows them through the thing i've done that too but yeah i don't want to see fucking five minutes of fluffed applause to watch a comic get into his shit. I start my shit when the shit starts. And, yeah, we'll do something goofy ahead of time.

We did a podcast, didn't we? Downstairs? Downstairs at Dante's. Was that Beer Hall Putsch? Yeah, it was Beer Hall Putsch. Was that at the end? I don't know where they put that. Mam Putsch? Yeah, it was Beer Hall Putsch. Was that at the end? I don't know where they put that. Mamou was there?

Yeah, Mamou was there. Yeah, Andy. I remember. Me and Andy and Mamou back in that blow basement. Dante's blow basement. Yeah, so someone's got to go out and you know, yeah,

you got to have someone go out and say, you know, this is what we're doing and this is kind of like what we expect behavior-wise because the clock's ticking. We got to get this done. Yeah, you explain it to them. And the heckling thing is the one thing that'll,

it's a show that's being recorded. That's the problem with Vegas, and that's my biggest fear. Isn't it like when somebody puts cement down? Somebody's like, oh, they're taping this. I'll be famous. The streaker is like a streaker running out on a football field. It does seem

like a fucking hard So you can hardball and scare about 99% of the crowd, but that 1% is going, fucking A, here's my big break. I don't think hardball and scare is the approach. I think like Shaylee did, explain and you're part of this. Yeah, we got two other nights too,

but the thing is that they're your fans. They don't want to piss you off. The problem is my fans in their own hometown in fucking Appleton, Wisconsin, will pregame it for the Doug Stanhope show at 10 a.m. with a bottle of fucking wild turkey. That's how I prefer. And now normal people are going to be in Vegas

where, Vegas, baby. It's almost like you should do a face recognition thing, add that to your security, because you could get the tweets of the guy who's like, pre-gaming at 8 a.m this is gonna be epic and then put that picture so then when the fans come in you can scan them and go um come over the show's over here and all the fuckheads that have seen this show and then they like oh hold on hold on brett brock yeah go ahead i was gonna give it to andy andy Hold on. Hold on. Brett Brock?

Yeah. Go ahead. I was going to give it to Andy. Brett Brock, it's Chad Shank. How are you doing? You're on the air. You're on the podcast. You're going to have to answer for why we didn't land those two rookie hookers. Are we giving Brett Brock directions to hear?

Yeah, he's here at the hotel to come up. Is that all right? He's a good dude. Oh, yeah, don't give him directions on the podcast. Well, no, this won't go out until after we're done. We're doing it live. We're at the 25th floor. We're not live.

So go to the South Tower. Go to the elevators on the left-hand side. they're the only ones that go up to floor 25 it's a secret room and then call when you're up to 25 call again because uh we have to let you through a series of maxwell smart like doors it's like no vacancy last year i wish I could remember the theme song. All right. We went to a bar in L.A. 25. 07. South Tower.

Okay. 25. 07. Follow the smell of cigarette smoke. We'll let you. Do the opposite of what Mike Tyson says. The guy who gave us directions has sent us back. That was good directions

that was better directions than we had because we went into the elevators in the south tower that only went up to floor 24 and then when we asked the uh mike tyson doppelganger uh security guard outside are you sure he's a doppelganger well he didn't have the face tattoo. He was a young Mike Tyson. He said, yeah, that's over in the North Tower. You know what? I beat Buster Douglas. It was the cause. The judges had us saying I was partying out.

I shouldn't have fought him that day. Let's talk about Peter McNeely. So you guys were talking. Doug was talking about exposing himself in public uh and uh so we were me and brett brock in la where i went to a couple goodwills to try to get you know something fancy to wear to doug's area i'm not gonna be in the show i'm gonna be outside but i wanted some pants but there's a lady who was fucking raging yelling like she was you know just got burnt by lawyers on the street corner full-on raging yeah fucking constant i thought she was specifically you know just got burnt by lawyers on the street corner full-on raging yeah fucking constant i

thought she was specifically you know had she was looking at the where there was a law office so i just assumed that's what it was but then we come back around and she's still yelling she's yelling and then i'm coming towards her so she's yelling at you know let me and i go you know like i just she's my wife now and i'm like ah, ah, shut your fucking mouth, you fucking bitch. You've ruined my life too, you cunt. And then she steps back, because they must have some rules. You can't claw people and yell. You can yell at them.

And then I got over by the car, and she just kept yelling and yelling and stuff. And I started getting kind of turned on for some reason in an urban setting and uh and so i'm uh i was like okay there were kids there earlier but i was like i'm gonna show this chick my dick and i had to you know i was careful about it it's like where's the cameras now you know it's pretty hard it's hard to be it's hard to be spontaneous today, these days. So I pulled my dick out, and then she goes, Don't do that, Daryl. Don't do that. And we drove off.

So I don't know where she is and how she is now. This could be our pilot for Urban Naked and Afraid. I'm calling you Daryl Dick for the rest of the week. I've only done that a few times, but it just seemed like she's yelling at me for stuff I of the week. I've only done that a few times, but it just seemed like that was... She's yelling at me for stuff I didn't do. Somebody who filmed that, send me the link to that fucking YouTube video.

Yeah, she's probably a hidden camera Instagram star or something. Somebody was yelling world star the whole time. Bingo. Because when we did that whole car magnet thing that everyone just sent sent us car magnets that are just inside jokes the whole idea was to do things that made other people go what the fuck is that well so someone sent that you you saw that nature jack andy, Andy's Nature Jack tours. Nature Jack tours.

So Bubingo still drives around with that on her car to this day. I love that one. Yeah. But it's only funny to us. It's funny to me. All right. Can you go get Brett Brock? I guess if I did lead people on a Nature Jack tour, I'd just have to say, you know, you go, okay, here's your trail.

Go down that. You know, can't all be in a group theory. Watch your step. It's not like a cave tour where we're all, you know, as a group. No, that one was actually a little more. It wasn't Andy's Nature Jack tour. It's Nature Jack's tour.

But it's wittier than just. But the point is, it's only we get it. I thought women had lost all their rights. In fact, if you're... Are we making America great again? Yeah. Wait, women can't control their vaginas, but they can still pipe in? My God.

Where's Mitch McConnell? Someone tweeted me today that they caught a guy coming out of the show last night in Minneapolis hiding his mega hat. Oh, really? Wow. Hey. Hey, Brad Brock. So we're walking up Hollywood Boulevard with his wolves.

Tracy will make you a drink. Two or three in the morning, and a girl with the tightest pussy in Southern California comes up to me. pussy in Southern California comes up to me. And it looks like me and Brett are going to score a couple of fucking fatties from San Diego. I missed the segue. Well, just like rookie hookers. They weren't good at it. They didn't have business.

It was like me trying to promote myself in comedy, like that level of hooker. I think he knows what he's doing but he doesn't look like it so they're like you know let me you know it's like what tipping i don't you know there's 15 well what do you think this i got the tightest pussy and how much is that worth you and like maybe you're asking the wrong guy because you know i mean i don't want to insult you but i i've you know my budget for that would be i mean breakfast sandwich you know pussy to me is i could take be a breakfast sandwich. Pussy to me is a breakfast sandwich I enjoy and I look forward to.

It's no comparison, actually. Then she wanted to go to ATM. I was like, come on. But I did envision making love to a fat girl next to Brock in a double bed, making love to a fat girl while three wolves fucking howled at the smell or whatever. So I would have done it for that, but I just you know, so they got Why the fuck is he traveling with three

wolves? Come on over and explain yourself, sir. It keeps the crackheads in bank. It would keep people away from the truck. Well, see, here's what we should have done. One would. One wolf.

A picture of a wolf. I had a beef. One wolf keeps more crackheads away. I should have told them, look, I don't need to go to an ATM because, you know, obviously we're staying at a six motel with three dogs. We're fucking rich. And then just, you know, make the love, and then, you know, the dogs will pay. We're going to let the dogs take care of it.

I would think that would be a scam. The unprofessional or the rookie hookers get you to go to the ATM, and then a guy comes up and blackjacks you from behind. I don't think these two, you know. They didn't look like they were a team. I think if those two bitches tried their scam here in the Fremont, some pimp would punch them in the face in about 10 minutes and then own them from there on out.

I mean, you know, I think they just wanted drug money. That's how you get work. They didn't seem like their heart was into it. My roommate for the stay in Vegas, ladies and gentlemen. The first thing I had to tell him was, don't let hookers steal my shit, you motherfucker. Yeah, well, you know how much I... I don't have to be like one shoe.

I'm walking around with one shoe in Vegas. Chad, why do you have one shoe? Fucking Fremont hookers? Andy brought Fremont hookers in our room? I have three Xanax left. I have three Xanax left. I put them in the safe here because I know Andy's going to be here.

Oh, you're going to go take your shit. No, you're not going to get my fucking Xanax, motherfucker. You know I had struggle with mental illness. Struggle? You thrive on it. Yeah. I mean, struggle, but yeah. So, I mean, if any pills have been missing,

that was just me trying to fill a hole in my heart. Misdiagnosed for years. I've already learned to go the opposite direction. As soon as Andy came in, I was like, here's our weed drawer. I will make this pledge to you. If I do steal your pills, I try to replace them with a mint that looks just like it. It's my M.O. Andy's furiously sucking on a mint to make it smaller so he can replace it

indiana jones fucking swat i had i had a real i had an exact and i'm trying to make the the p on the top and a line across the middle i had a real seven or four i had a real low point i had a real low point when my daughter had a toothache and revisited some oxys that used to be there. And she did, you know, there weren't any oxys. But she, you know, she took one for a severe toothache. And that was a restless night for her. But she had good breath. She had fresh breath in the morning.

This is going to bind up your bowels anyway. You don't want this. She's an ice skater. And you want to teach him to be tough. So a night of agony. But on the other end, I had a pretty good time crushing all those up. Those were really good. And I wish you would have broken more bones ice skating. She's tossing and turning furiously through a sweat night.

And Annie's, because he ate her oxys months ago You hear all those stories about over prescribing and that's exactly what I fell into. My wife fell downstairs and had pain meds and my wife or my daughter broke her ankle in the same time frame so I spiraled out of control going upstairs

perky sets. My teeth make me crappy. I better go store one of Delaney's oxys. I don't even like biking in neither, but what the fuck, they're good trade.

But then I had to, you know, I had to burgle opportunity was knocking on doors and windows. What am I supposed to do? Ignore this.

Eventually, I had to burgle or I just crawl through dog doors and burglarize other people. Andy, I spent four days before before we came here i literally unpacked a bag threw my clothes in the wash took them out of the dryer and put them back in the bag to come here because i spent a week uh

down trying to my uncle is in hospice i was down there trying to help him die he'll yeah it's good to get involved with relatives on the tail end. Peel patches. Well, he weighs less than 100 pounds because he refused to go to a doctor at any point, but they sent him home with fentanyl patches to do it. And when hospice got there, they were like, hey, this guy doesn't have any fat. So these fentanyl patches are not absorbing into anything. He's been on no pain medicine for the past three days. Oh, so it just goes right through you.

There's nothing. Yeah, there was no. It wasn't a. Muscles or tendons. Yeah, he needs bones and skin. So the point was, is there was two boxes of fentanyl patches sitting there that weren't going anywhere. And I was trying to finagle them. Oh, you don't have them?

Oh, fuck. I was like, oh shit. This is going to be fucking epic. I'm so glad that I didn't bring them. I cleaned out my... After my mother-in-law died, I found one of those. I'm like, right on the neck. I didn't even know what it was. I wanted to

leave him there because he's wanting to die and he he's not dying and the family doesn't understand they're giving him morphine at regulated doses and i'm like it doesn't matter anymore you can give him as much morphine as he wants he was i have one nephew who's smarter than the others uh my brother larry looked like he was gonna die and we all can't you know sure he's dead that's fine you know let's move on or whatever but he was the one who went and cleaned out larry's drugs and uh miracle of miracles larry didn't die so larry's stash was gone and it was a subside you know it was a lot of drugs like larry so you know he's also a business guy so he had extras.

But he cleaned him out. And I'm like, motherfucker, I got outsmarted by that retard. He's not technically retarded, so it's okay to say retard. He's just really fucking dumb and has a fucked up head. Wait, how does that make that okay? He's not retarded. He's not retarded, so it's okay to say retard. Well, because i don't know when when i told my uncle when i told my uncle my uncle and i had done drugs together and stuff

throughout our life we had a relationship that the other rest of the family didn't understand they were all shut he was like i want you to take care of my shit this is your dad's brother my dad's brother and uh so the rest of the family's like well he they were that close they don't know we did drugs together and all sorts of stuff but they were all shocked when i told him i'm like if you're ready to go just because those fentanyl patches won't absorb you can chew them you can chew them fentanyl patches and they'll fucking put you right down the whole family's like you should have just showed him on your phone you putting down the dog i'm actually pretty good at this it was so it was so if he would have asked me directly he told me i want to die

and it wasn't it wasn't a direct request if he would have direct requested it i would have laid in bed next to him and hugged him it wouldn't have took much yeah a little tight yeah yeah a pack and a snowball. Poor bastard. Although I would have felt pretty bad now because I just got a phone call yesterday and my dad said he went to the casino for four hours. I was like, oh, shit. He bounced back. But that's what you said.

It's like that's near the end. Yeah, they call it the honeymoon period. I wonder what the record is for missed calls on hospice. Like somebody like hospice again. and then like six weeks later, we got it cut out here. He's just really fucking frozen. I don't even think you can do six weeks. I think it's like less than that.

I think it's maybe three. Because they only really get involved when the nurses know. I mean, they're the ones who fucking know. Yeah. They're like, it's in need. I remember my mom is like, any time now. I'm like, oh, well yeah and you are i kept trying to convince him to just give him more morphine because we had liquid morphine that we could shoot into his mouth and then i kept trying to just give him

more if he says if he should never be in pain if he says in pain give him more i don't care if he gave him some five minutes ago and then the hospice nurse came in and gave her speech to the family and she was like if he wants a beer give him a beer he's dying who gives a shit and i was like that's what i've been saying is it like it's the opposite intervention there's a lot of people here who love you we just want you to get involved in fighting give up we're all here to tell you to give up as soon as i as soon as i got home it's a whole nother story as soon as i got home, it's a whole other story. As soon as I got home, I have a newborn baby in my house. And I was used to taking care of my dying uncle for a few days. And the baby started crying in the middle of the night.

And I yelled at him, give her more morphine. Like, oh, wait, that's a wrong patient. It's like the difference between tearing down a building and building a building. One of them you can fuck up terribly, and the other like, fuck it, I just got to hit shit with a hammer. I don't give a fuck. Do you know how long a baby sleeps with a fentanyl patch on it? That's...

Forever. Forever? Don't worry about your vaccinations now, bitch. Oh. I didn't mean any of that i was just thinking i'm just gonna let this go until you hit that huh and we just hit that yeah that's a fucking i'm just starting to think hey i haven't done any drugs and i've've been in Vegas for about an hour. This is bullshit. I was thinking the whole time, this podcast doesn't need me or Chaley, and then I realized it still needs Chaley. I get a ducked out and been fucking at the roulette wheel.

Did you tell him the title that he thought for the podcast? Well, hold on. Put some context in this. Brett Erickson wants to start a podcast with Andy. We're the last two comics that don't have any tie-in to a podcast. What about... Well, Brett Erickson should move to Bisbee and do you and Chad Shank.

Well, we're actually going to record one this weekend with Chad because we're going to talk about Alaska and then play that podcast we tried to record up there. I don't know where you're going. Andy was talking about it as if everyone knew that Brett Erickson had started a podcast. The Doug Less podcast.

The Doug Less podcast. Way to coattail. That's cool. Yeah, I thought about calling it the James Inman Bootstraps Inman Podcast. Yeah, I was thinking, I wish Inman was here for this weekend. You know who has to get together? James Inman and Sam Tripoli in the basement of the store and lock them in there until they figure what the fuck is going on.

Tripoli and Inman? Yeah, tell me off the air. Conspiracy theory. Patreon. Patreon. Patreon. Patreon, yeah. Explain this.

Well, it's a website for creators, and we fancy ourselves creators. We're creating this, and we'd like to invite you as a listener to donate what you can. If you enjoy the show, donate. Kick it in. Go to patreon.com slash Stan Hope Podcast.

It's like a church in the question board. Ask a question, Doug. You said something about people that donate will give you shit or something. What we'll do is we'll set up a goal. I know. You're getting better, though. Get me a drink. We'll set up a modest amount that we'd like to get to,

and if we hit that amount, then we'll put out an extra podcast for the month at the end of the month. All right. And then we'll do that. For subscribers. For subscribers, the only people who are going to get that fifth one are the people who actually

donate through Patreon. And we're not asking for a lot. I mean, if it came down to it, if you enjoy the podcast... Oh, wait. So we could put out that four-hour Marilyn Manson... There's a lot of things that we could use as a carrot to get people to... The one that everyone... When we didn't really know how to podcast, we had four hours of bingo carrying around whatever that unit is.

The recorder? Oh, the recorder. Is that what they still call it? I think my ride's here. I can hear that in the headphones. Whatever. Is there a beach party or something going on out there? Yeah, no, it's probably one of our fans.

They know what hotel you're in, Stanhope. I don't know if it's punk rock bowling shooting our people or our people shooting the bus station people. So Patreon, yes, we've got a lot of things. And as we figure out more about how to do this and and gauge what's going on with it uh well yeah just chuck some money in there fuck sponsors firing us when we're on their side we put it when i put pen to paper on this thing i figured the people that download the podcast in the first day or two, the first 48 hours that it goes out, so from Wednesday morning to Friday, if those people just donated 25 cents, and that's not even half of what downloads in a week, that would be more than enough for us to get through the month. This pays for this podcast. Without Chaley, there is no podcast.

Because Andy and Chad and I could talk, and they'd be funny all day. But without Chaley to fucking put this together. It's a conversation is all. It's not a podcast. You'll never hear it. You'd have to be on a stool at the bar in the funhouse. And Chaley is generous enough to share with me, and I have new mouths to feed.

Yeah, I have, yeah. Patron. So once again, Patreon. I know you're trying to help, Andy. Patreon.com slash Stanhope Podcast. Donate what you can, and if you can't maybe someday you will get a job you know earn a few dollars all right thank you there will be plenty more of these podcasts but yeah this is going to be a weekend of a thousand fucking people to talk to and i have a job so yeah i'll be here i'll do hey hey this is doug stano podcast

and then i'll let a million people talk and i'll step out uh thank you for listening chad shank andy andrist at hd fatty at andy andrist at HDFatty, at AndyAndrist, at Greg Chaley, C-H-A-I-L-L-E. We love your tweets because we don't fuck around with all that Instagram shit. Maybe you do. I don't know.

I dropped my space. Fuck it. Click. Did you hang up? No, I just said click. Thank you.