The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #421: Prison Hooch with Bobby Caldwell (40 for 40 - Day 07)

Episode Date: December 9, 2020

Day 7 of Doug's 40 for 40 (no smoking / drinking) and Michigan State Prison inmate Bobby Caldwell calls in with prison cell distilling techniques. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0Check Out Doug's Weekly eBay Yard Sale listing - https://www.ebay.com/usr/stanhope_podcast?_trksid=p2047675.l2559Recorded Dec 3rd, 2020 at the New FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bobby Caldwell (@NotesFromThePen), Tracey (@egglester) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know.LINKS -Staying connected is an important part of life for those behind bars. JPay helps inmates stay in touch with the outside world by using an email system. Go to jpay.com create an account, and you’re all set. If you’d like Bobby to reply make sure you select the option to include a reply stamp.ROBERT CALDWELL MICHIGAN INMATE# 929141Check out Bobby Caldwell's Notes From The Pen podcast - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/notes-from-the-pen/id1518819034Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. This is a prepaid call from... It's Bobby. A prisoner at the Michigan Department of Corrections Parnell Facility. If you feel you are being victimized or extorted by this prisoner, please contact GTL Customer Service at 855-466-2832. To accept this call, press 0 to receive... Your current balance is $55.72. This call is from a correction facility and is subject to monitoring and recording. Thank you for using GTL. Hey Bobby, how does my balance keep going up? I don't know if you, can you hear the recording when you call me no no i can't the only time i get to hear it is we included part of uh the part of it for the intro to the podcast

where it says if you feel like you were being victimized no it keeps going up because i keep having mama steve put money on there but you know what i mean you said a while ago yeah she she sent me an email to uh and then I just keep forgetting to send her any money. So I will. Don't send her any. You don't need to right now. We're good. What she does is because this is a phone system.

Okay. Yeah, you're good. Yeah, I know how she jimmies the books. No need to go into it. Yeah. Well, I just don't have her put it all on at once. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Yeah. She's well-rolled it. So what's up? Day what? Day seven? Day seven. Yeah. I'm doing way better than day five.

Last couple days have just flown by. I get up at 7 in the morning, 7.15, and it's fucking freezing here, which means it's... Actually, what's the temperature there? I like to do this because we're usually colder than fucking... Yeah, go ahead.

38, I think the news said right now. About 38 degrees. Clear sky and shit. Yeah, we were, like, high of 44, so... Yeah, it's getting cold. Yeah, it's cold as fuck. Michigan's the worst state

on the fucking... in the country, for sure. It is really cold there. It's terrible. Just a blanket of gray shit over the... It's not even discernible clouds. There's just a blanket of smog

over this fucking place. Yeah, that starts around Michigan and envelops the whole Upper East Coast. That's Massachusetts. That's most of that fucking ugly piece of shit. Can't be smog. The industry's left years ago.

Yeah, no. It's just oozing off the people yeah it's just misery just floats and hovers about you know a couple hundred feet over the fuck over your head chaley and i got uh we we got uh uh covid tests yesterday we won't know for uh three to five days they said what'd you get the nasal one yeah yeah that uh, at the little drive-through at the high school. How did it feel? She said, oh, you're going to feel a little pressure. I'm sorry.

And I go, I've done so much blow, I won't even know about it. And she laughed. Yeah. Yeah, I don't have an issue with things up my nose. It's not a... And then after she gave me my ID back, which I don't understand why they needed our fucking IDs to get a free test. Well, they still have to account for it.

It has to say it's going... It could be the biggest scam ever. But we did 300,000 tests. And there's no, no, no. Shoving things up your nose and you go back repeatedly and repeat tester.

That's what I was suggesting to Derek and Kenny that since it's free testing, they should do it every day. So they don't keep getting shit from us for being COVID spreaders. They do ours every Wednesday here. And it's just, it's such a fucking formality because everyone's had it uh these assholes come and usually they announce it so everyone's ready

and then they go up to each tier and you gotta walk it bullshit the shit show but these two fucking a-rushes they're basically counselors who are no nothing they're just the worst they're just fuck-ups so they come up and then they wake you up like this last week they wake you up they're like hey come on hurry up you gotta go and it's like seven in the morning usually they do it at 10 you're like hey asshole you knew this shit was coming and i don't get and then they get all like well where you guys at it's just ridiculous we're like we're gonna go through this goddamn charade we all had it a long time ago we're good well you should do what i did as uh as as as getting my ID back to leave.

I palmed her or didn't palm her. That would be touching and that would be inappropriate. But I slipped her a 20 and said, hey, can you make sure that me and my friend's test come back with the right results? Thank you very much. Make it fair. Make it fair. She took it. So I think we're both negative.

Oh, you're clear. Yeah, you're good. Just to follow up on the other thing, I was just thinking, they need your full name to go on the tests that get submitted, and then when they come back. So they're probably making sure that you can, if you've got the address. That just seems hinky to me. Why are you on their side?

I will go conspiracy on anything but fucking masks. The state did something right. They initiated testing for free for everyone. All you got to do is sign up in advance. Did you see that the person in front of me backed out at the last

minute and I don't know why. They had to move all the cones to let... There was one car that was in pole position getting nasally. And then the one between them and me, I don't know if they panicked. Yeah. They were like, I'd rather not know. Let's go. Let's take an aid test.

This isn't a bake sale. The word part's waiting. Thought it was something else. Yeah, they had to disassemble the line so she could cut out quickly. I don't know. So Bobby was going to tell us the recipes. Some recipes. Hold on. I need a pen. Tracy, do you have a pen?

I was going to write these down. Okay, yeah. Go ahead. All right. It's incredibly simple. Shay, you said you made beer before? Yeah, I've made craft beer that tasted like shit. Cost a couple hundred dollars for two six-packs. Well, this is going to be, you're going to be happy with this then because this is going to cost you a lot less and taste like shit.

Oh, good. Do you have yeast? Yes. Or do you have yeast there? Oh, good. Do you have yeast? Yes. Or do you have yeast there? Oh, yeah. All right. Well, that's going to, we don't, I mean, you can get that out of the chow hall here, but it's unnecessary.

So I'm going to tell you how we would do it, and then I'm going to just do a little bit of math for you for how you guys would do it. All right. We make what's called a starter, right? So we'll take like a little peanut butter jar. And then we used to get actual oranges. So we'd like peel an orange and like squish it up in a bag and then put it in the peanut butter jar with a little water, some sugar, and warm it up a bunch. And then about a couple hours, it would start to ferment. You'd see the little bubbles on the side just.

And then we'd add it to the full thing, and then depending on whether you were doing it in a trash bag or in here they have pop bottles, so you can pour them in pop bottles. So this is what you guys are going to do. You're going to get... How do you prefer it? If you had your choice of, sir, how would you like your pruno? Would you like trash or pop?

I like trash, and I want to tell you why. It's a more predictable consistency. Because it's a bigger match. Because when you're brewing an individual bottle yeah and it's all the same so like you'll be hit or miss with actual bottles because some of them didn't get the right amount of sugar or weren't warm enough so you're going to take a gallon of orange juice now we use concentrate but I

figure you can just use regular orange juice we measure out a peanut butter cap full of sugar per like 20 ounces per cup but you're gonna i think it's probably about 24 ounces of sugar you're gonna warm that up in like a pan and then put a little water just so you can get you know it's just liquid yeah and then dump a little bit of however much you got to dump out of the gallon orange juice. Pour it in there and put a hole in the lid. It'd be better if it was one of those lids that can pop off so it doesn't explode. Yeah, yeah.

I got a couple stories. I know where you're going with this. And so put a hole in it, and it just needs to sit somewhere that's like 80, 90 degrees. As long as it doesn't get real cold, it'll keep cooking. 80, 80 degree, 80, 90 degrees. As long as it doesn't get real cold, it won't, it'll, it'll keep cooking. And in about four days, four to five, you'll be able to see when the, when it's not carbonated anymore,

you'll know it's done when it's nothing's coming out of it. There's no bubbles on the side, like champagne. And then, uh, have Kenny or someone you don't like, uh, drink as much as they can drink at least for like three or four bottles. 20 ounce bottles of it. And then just report back. That's it. Terrible.

The first one you see, it's so horrendous. I just chug it. The first 20 ounce in one gulp. And then I just focus, just stare at myself in a mirror and try not to vomit i'm just like you got this you got this and then uh and then once it starts hitting you you're like life's good you're like life's good and then you know a couple more later you're trying to fight someone in the cell which okay all right now say that you were on the outside, but you still had a longing for homemade toilet wine. What would you change up, just still using basic ingredients?

You're making your own, but what would you change up? I'd try it with something different. Sometimes they make it out of spaghetti. Not spaghetti. Like tomato paste, which is terrible. Bloody mayonnaise? Yeah, I'd probably use some sort of something else. Some other fruit. Yeah, some berries or something.

Peaches or something. I don't know. I immediately thought blackberries. But what's the part that makes you puke? I mean, this doesn't even sound like what's the part that makes you puke is it i mean it's this doesn't even sound like it's it's raw alcohol it sounds like it or does it turn into alcohol and the first time detoxify itself because it sounds like you're eating rotten things and that would be bad it feels like you're drinking rotten things and it is it is bad listen when the hangover but see

this is one of those things we were talking about. I don't know if certain things are just part of getting older or because I'm in prison and I'm drinking shitty fucking drink. But like, it's probably a combination of the two. The hangover is where it went. Like, you really have to focus on drinking water and shit. It doesn't sound like it'd be that bad. And if you crack it open like a day early and it's still carbonated a little bit, it'll still be a little sweet.

That's how you know it's done too when you can't taste any sugar in it. So you just ate all the sugar. It's kind of like, ooh, it's like a mimosa. It's really weak and it's out of trash bag. Is it worse to drink it too early or too late? Like does it have an expiration date? Yeah, it'll start... See, I know nothing about home brewing,

but I think wine turns, like, to vinegar, and that shit will eventually turn to vinegar, too. I'm talking about what you make. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. It'll turn to vinegar. Well, the yeast produce that alcohol as a byproduct of eating the sugar, and then when it becomes too... when the alcohol content gets up too high, Well, the yeast produce that alcohol as a byproduct of eating the sugar.

And then when it becomes too, when the alcohol content gets up too high, it kills all the yeast. Yeah. So that stops. Yeah. It stops growing. And then if you do let it go, it would just be like leaving like a cup of orange juice out for a couple days. But could you have an aged pruno, like a vintage pruno that you can charge more for? I doubt it. Wait, do they call it pruno or am i just listening no they don't they call it they call it drink they're real creative they call it drink

yeah we got some drink would they even know what pruno is these fucking kids today in prison no no they'd be like who the fuck is this Wayne? We'll check him for a wire. Yeah, no Pruno. I once saw Tosh try to do some sort of recipe on his show that someone, I guess an ex-con told him, but it was way too involved. It was like tomato paste and bread for eating.

When I was blown away about how easy it is. It's just sugar and orange juice And just maintaining a temperature on it And then when you get it going real good I'm telling you It's like a decently mixed drink Strength wise

The first time I drank three really good ones I was like on the verge I was forgetting shit I do think that should be an asterisk to my uh 40 days uh of not drinking if i have to take if no if i make my own i can drink but i would not do that i am such a snob i think if like if heineken were the only beer left i and i had to drink beer i would just Yeah. Like, I'm not much of a snob, much less fucking put a piece of wonder

bread in a fucking pie plate full of tomato sauce. Pixie sticks and shit. Who are you going to get to drink this, Will? I'll drink it. Kenny. Alright. Kenny's not a good judge. Well, he'll do it

if there's a chance for him to cash in yeah no no he wants to be dared but he doesn't really drink yeah dare him to do it yeah no he'll do it but he

he won't be a good I mean we'll do it just to watch him squirm Shaley Shaley you do it cause you'll be able

to describe it yeah and you know I'll try it. You'll be able to describe it. I'll try it. I'll try it. Is there an issue with scum? Is there stuff that floats to the top that you wouldn't have any kind of a sieve? You have to just use your fingers? Is there floaty scum?

I mean, there's like froth. There's like froth at the top. But if you're a real man, you're just going to fucking wear that as a mustache after you're done, Chuck. You have one minute remaining. We're just going to go until we get that recording that tells us to fuck off. We hung up early last time. We want to get our full minute. So any final thoughts? did i cut you off of

anything nah i'm just excited that uh excited to hear about shaley drinking this shit and uh and and i'm gonna be upset that i don't get to witness it especially this is what i want i want the hangover documented no water for you just drink four or five of those and then run around no no no no one's gonna get loaded on this i'll drink it to taste it yeah i'll taste it for sure uh we should uh when are you available next chaley once a good time for him to call it this hour it's he's he's the one we're going off his schedule shit what time what time do you get phone privilege is there well hopefully it'll it'll get back to normal soon but every other day so

what's the thursday yeah so saturday i'll be out at night again all right saturday same time how about that same thank you for using gtl whoo just in time yes it's not like i can call them back if we don't set up the next uh we should probably have some schedule we'll talk about that at the front I can just cut it out yeah alright well I can always go through Mama C his mother hey thanks everyone for listening

things are getting better here at the homestead although the fucking weather's getting grim yeah I'm liking this 15 minutes with Bobby C. At Notes from the Pen. Go follow him and check out his website, notesfromthepen.com.

And we will see you soon. Take us out, Bingo. Okay, bye-bye now. Bye-bye now. Thank you. Thank you.