The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #467: Pie In The Sky

Episode Date: October 22, 2021

On a break from the tour but still not home, Doug and Junior's road report with traveling hijinks, uncivilized milk and the rules of Fish-Tober. Recorded Oct. 15th, 2021 via ZOOM with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Junior Stopka (@JuniorStopka), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. Liquid IV - Grab your favorite Liquid I.V. flavors nationwide at Walmart or you can get 25% off when you go to LiquidIV.com and use code STANHOPE at checkout. The World Record Podcast  - The World Record Podcast is the third and final award winning podcast created and hosted by Brendon Walsh setting the World Record for the funniest podcast in existence. - https://allthingscomedy.com/podcast/world-record-podcast Keep the ear party pumping with the ISSUES WITH ANDY podcast featuring Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille. New episode every Friday - https://www.patreon.com/issueswithandy Need more Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfattyVisit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Liquid IV, possibly my favorite sponsor ever. Thank you, Liquid IV, for sponsoring this episode. Grab your favorite Liquid IV flavors nationwide at Walmart, or you could get 25% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use Stanhope at checkout. That's the code, Stanhope. You get it? That's 25% off anything you order when you get better hydration today

using promo code Stanhope at liquidiv.com. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast good afternoon everyone out there in wonderland chad shank is back junior stopka's here jaylee and tracy are on the in the funhouse i'm out in the desert good afternoon so did i miss anything there uh there meaning in Bisbee or in our collective? I know Rooney's dead. Yeah, Rooney. Another fallen soldier.

Yeah. Yeah, that's Erickson's dog. The Brechels. Yes. Henry Phillips' nemesis. Well, how about? They were just old. 15, 16.

All lumpy and cancer-y. Yeah. I hate lumpy cancers. My worst, one of my two favorite things to hate, lumpy cancer. I think he was talking about chicks in the bar, like astrology science. Lumpy cancers. You're a cancer with your moon and lump.

So we did our gag. Oh, yeah. What happened? We did our dominoes gag. That's why we're dressed like dominoes, guys. I thought you guys were pulling a shift. Do you need anything? On break. I flew into Omaha. First of all uh if you fly

delta don't ever go through salt lake not for years until they finish that airport because it's not a fucking airport it's a bus station yeah they drop you in the middle of a tarmac you go down in the fucking cold rain to a waiting series of buses and uh you get there the fucking like it's a 20 minute walk at my fastest pace like olympic speed walking pace to get to my next gate in time for my flight so it's not even like you can't even don't even think about going to the sky club you don't have time uh and i know it's uh like i can't bitch about first class on Twitter, but first class means fucking nothing. Yeah. It used to be like, you know, there's no like blankets or pillows anymore.

There's no like you used to be able to preorder your meal. Now you like your what used to be dinner is now that for dinner, they serve lunch for lunch. They serve a snack. be dinner is now that for dinner they serve lunch for lunch they serve a snack your breakfast is now continental there's no fucking tvs in the most of them well the commuter ones if you were taken to one of those commuter flights i mean basically what you said though about salt lake city it's the same with la the delta terminal that commuter oh it's fucking horrible i mean you you do travel on a bus while traveling on a on a plane because yeah it's so fucking torn up they used to uh you have to understand i put fucking

almost two million miles into delta now so yeah i've earned my right to bitch they used to put a priority well these the priority sticker they put on your bag when you check in. Yeah, that means your bags would come up first. Now it means you get a free sticker. Sucker sticker list. So I got into Omaha. I met Junior. And we had our Domino's stuff ready for the next day because we were flying together the next day from Omaha through Minneapolis, Sky Club, and then to Indy.

And we wanted to have a real, we got the pizza box here, the pizza warmer box. Hello. Hello. It's new. Yes, brand new. We wanted to have a piece in it. So we ordered Domino's the night before and promptly ate it. But we wanted to have the box because at Omaha Gates, they had a Godfather's Pizza.

So we thought that would be a funny video is us ordering a Godfather's Pizza dressed up like this and then immediately putting it into a Domino's box and then putting it into the warmer bag. Someone watching you goes, I knew it. I fucking knew it. warmer bag someone watching you goes i knew it i fucking knew it i have to ask did you guys wear dominoes uniforms when the guy delivered your dominoes pizza to excuse the fuck out of him it didn't bat an eye i think he was illegal undocumented yes thank you for correcting me. Yeah, he didn't. Undocumented dirty foreigner. Oh, I thought you just, I thought you just said he didn't have a pizza delivery license. I thought it was some sting operation.

Undercover boss. Maybe he delivers to his own people all the fucking time and it's just not a thing. More Domino's employees get Domino's pizza. I was hoping we would bring back Spy TV for like a split second. He turns around and the mailman's also got a Domino's uniform on. I thought that would be great.

If you could mix Undercover Boss with a prank show, I'm really telling you that we are starting at Domino's Air Force and we deliver pizza by air and you're just going along with it because you need the job and stupid music in the background you know yeah he didn't bat an eye you're way richer than you are that's the joke so yeah we we we sat at the bar next to godfathers and uh the lady asked us where we were going and we told her that we were at the bar next to Godfather's, and the lady asked us where we were going, and we told her that we were delivering the pizza to Danica Patrick in Indianapolis.

Yeah. And that she only vaguely questioned the whole idea. She said, are you serious? I said, yeah. She says, you know, these athletes, sports people, they have superstitions. I think the only time she ever won a race was in Omaha after a Domino's pizza. I don't know. We're just doing our

job, man. She's retired, though. You know that, right? There was no question. Everyone fell for it. There was no real questions about anything. So shocking. Or unshocking. Yeah, it's not like... It's not the kind of gag that

people are going to go, what? But they're going to just sit there and go, why was it that doesn't but they had the box with the pizza. Yeah, just something to confuse them for the rest of their trip. So

yeah, we didn't want to do it. First thing in the morning when you're sober or still hungover from the night before. Yeah, well, I go, Junior, just put on the uniforms and just let the gag come to us. We don't have to be proactive with this. Yeah, you're doing a shift. I mean, yeah, you got to be bored with it. You're working. Yeah, be surly.

Just be in the same mood we're in. Mondays, right? I felt like impractical jokers, how they feel when they get up in the morning. Oh, I got to put on a bear costume now. Fucking going out in the park. Hey, little kid, look. But yeah, the second flight, we had more people because we'd been in the Sky Club in Minneapolis. And then when we got on first class, we could hear the two guys going, yeah, yeah, I saw them.

They were in the Sky Club. Is it really pizza in that box? Yes. Why else would I be? Who would ever ask a pizza delivery guy that? Yeah. It's like a dumb question and we weren't sitting together we were sitting a row apart yeah yeah so we could occasionally

make some chitter chatter but it was I think the sky club might be the funniest part for me picture in the puzzled looks of people why the fuck is it dominoes well well we went to the sky club where we landed in indy because you know what that priority bag sticker doesn't mean shit so let's uh drink while we wait for our bags yeah so we hit two different sky clubs and the second one the lady said she pointed to the pizza and she said uh yeah um i go yeah i know no outside food but this is a delivery this is for work we're not going to be eating it she goes okay then that's fine then you guys are eating it no we didn't have a pizza because oh that was the problem godfather's pizza didn't open till 11 a.m and our flight was at 11

oh one so we didn't want to take that chance hold that plane he's running hold that plane it's for danica so then we do the indie show and i had to fly back out directly the next day and i go straight to the sky club suited up all dapper my delta pin proudly presented i lost somewhat where i lost my driver's license on the plane we just heard yeah so, so I have my global entry card. So when I went into the sky club where we had just been, I said, yeah, I'm Doug Stanhope,

global entry. We're, we're trying to find two dominoes, two people, two imposters posing as dominoes, pizza delivery drivers. You haven't seen them. And the one guy goes,

I saw him on, I saw him yesterday. Can you describe them? And he said, Oh, good. Cause that was me. You think,

but I love, I love saying Doug Stanhope, global entry as though that's a federal department. Well, I love Domino's air force. I'm, I'm pretty sure someone monitoring Twitter has taken that to the Mr. Like CIA. Well, I love Domino's Air Force. I'm pretty sure someone monitoring Twitter has taken that to the Mr. Domino. Hey, maybe this is something we can do.

Yeah, I'm going to have to look at those videos again. I guess you could play the audio back. Maybe you could play the video back. I don't know what you're capable of. I can put the video on at the end of this. We're doing this. This is a regular podcast. But if you're on Patreon with the Doug Sando podcast, we're actually putting this is a regular podcast but uh if you're on patreon uh with the doug sando podcast um you can we're actually putting this out on video for our patreon members

so there's that yeah i do i do remember saying domino's air force and pie in the sky i don't know if that got in there that oh that's our promotion pie in the sky uh or maybe that was junior i don't know by the time the prank was over, we were liquored up enough. We were in the mood. We drank in Omaha. We drank in Minneapolis. We drank on the plains. What got us in the mood was the limo drive over there. Oh, I forgot about

that. That's why I was going to yell at you. I mean, that's the part like we got picked up in a limo and the guy had a little chauffeur hat and we walked right into that limo and then we started to giggle and then we got picked up in a limo And the guy had a little chauffeur hat And we walked right into that Limo and then we started to giggle And then we We met this guy

In fact I believe they're going to be A new sponsor I'm not even going to tell you What the product is Until you have hammered out a deal But yeah this is a good one So yeah he gave is a good one. So yeah, he gave me a sample package of his products.

Just tried them out today. Fucking top notch. And he goes, yeah, if you guys need a ride tomorrow, I own a limo. I can have my guy pick you up. And I go, we're not going to say no. So it was trepidatious. We got up early in case no limo showed up because we were all pretty fucking hammered offering this. And sure enough, he showed up.

It wasn't even his guy. I couldn't get my guy. So I just figured I'd drive you myself. And he's in a T-shirt and jeans and he looks as hungover as we are. But it's a stretch limo. I mean, it's an old one it looks like you're going to prom but it was the stretch kind with the l-shaped long seat and yeah he had it completely stuffed with booze and ice and uh don't forget the prequel with the breakfast lady our first

fool of the day the breakfast lady who came up and said, oh, I used to be a Domino's delivery driver, and that's the only pizza I like. She was relating to the common man. You know? She didn't question why we'd be. There's no Domino's that's open at 830 in the morning. And she's in the biz, too. She should know better.

Yeah. Get it, get it. That was the cat that needed a fucking diarrhea on the mic sometimes i gotta wipe his ass afterwards too it's pretty great no way no way it's right on his fur anyway so so the guy gets us there in the limo yeah we're having cocktails in the limo i forgot we just started there in the limo. Yeah, we're having cocktails in the limo. I forgot.

We just started drinking in the limo. So we had to. And he let me smoke with the window open. And then when he stops to pick us up, to drop us off, I go, you got to do the open the door thing for us. And he goes, oh, wait. And he puts on his little chauffeur's hat, even though the rest of him is in a fucking sweaty T-shirt. Yeah, he's dressed as the dude from The Big Lebowski, but he's got the chauffeur hat. So, yeah, by the time we got to Indianapolis, I was ready to make videos. I wanted to push the prank to its extreme, it didn't have one i thought you're talking

about the breakfast lady but you weren't there when i get up for breakfast yesterday morning to leaving uh before i left indy i went down to that fucking hilton garden in breakfast and i was too hungover i just wanted like a yogurt and some fruit and uh she said uh yeah we're out of yogurt and i wasn't just gonna eat fruit cup and i said do you have any non-fat milk because sometimes i can just drink a half gallon of non-fat milk in a swig and be fine she goes i'll go in the back and get some we only have two percent out here and she brought out a big glass of ice cold milk and I chugged half a pint glass before I realized it was rancid.

Like chunky rancid. And she saw I was about to puke and I was like, and she goes, hang on. It said it didn't expire until the 17th.

And then I heard them in the back evidently smelling what they poured me. And them retching going, oh. So, yeah, that taste was in my mouth all day. Oh, man. Get it out of there. It's brutal. How was the fruit cup? I quit while I was ahead.

I grabbed one of their 2% off the pantry shelf, and I chugged that, hoping that would get the taste out of my mouth. Oh, man. And I threw it in the wastebasket and left. I didn't even go ahead and ask me to pay for that. Go ahead, you fucking assholes. Chuck the empty container on the floor and went to my room. You know, all my family growing up has always drank buttermilk. And I was the only one in the whole family that didn't drink buttermilk.

The other day, a couple weeks ago, I was talking to my grandparents and my dad about it. They're like, you don't like buttermilk? And I'm like, no, I don't like sour fucking milk. I like my milk beet. If you have a recipe that requires buttermilk and you don't have buttermilk, you add vinegar to regular milk. That's the fucking, that's the trick.

Fucking disgusting. Buttermilk goes through me like fucking shit through a goose though man oh i made a buttermilk pie once and that was the last time i mean you don't know until you know so i put salt and pepper on it i've never been even confronted with buttermilk i don't think i've ever been in the same room as buttermilk. That was just like an Amish thing. Or that canned condensed milk. Amish is butter. They make butter, not buttermilk.

You're talking about the Borden's condensed milk. That's good in coffee and tea. And baking. Yeah, baking. I dated a girl when I was a teenager. They were all like all natural her mother had a you know whatever you call those a bush no those stores she ran a store that had all that fucking nonsense and they used to drink goat's milk like a co-op and they'd give it like

she had two you know kids that like one of them still on the bottle and they put this fucking curdled like goat's milk, untreated, whatever. Unpasteurized. Unpasteurized. I had to drink goat's milk. Uncivilized, whatever you call it. Uncivilized milk. Ranch dressing is the number one condiment. Buttermilk can be around forever.

That's all they use it for. Oh, yeah. Buttermilk ranch. Yeah, I guess I have had buttermilk, but around forever that's all they use it for oh yeah buttermilk ranch yeah i guess i have had buttermilk but it was ranch that's different yeah it contains no buttermilk i mean if you're drinking mayonnaise and vinegar you're basically drinking that right yeah i'd rather drink mayonnaise and vinegar than buttermilk. You know, I think the key to this story is we drank from 8.30 in the morning and just continued on, and I don't think it really affected the quality of the show. Yeah, that was show night in Indy, right? Yeah.

After you delivered Danica her pizza, did you get to the show on time? Get to the show on time. I think it helped the show. It helped the show because the audience was kind of tepid and I didn't really give a shit. Well, Junior, comedy changes when you've got a steady job. Yeah, both

of the shows were good. All these shows have been fucking great. Yeah, Omaha and Indy, they were towns where I go i go yeah i don't think you guys realized weekdays had nights it was a monday tuesday or tuesday wednesday those people don't go out in cities like that that's blue collar territory they've got their fucking slippers on and watching ted koppel eating a Salisbury Steak frozen dinner, waiting to wake up at 4.30 in the morning to go to

John Deere and strike. I do like the early bird shows, too. 7 o'clock start time, 6 p.m. doors. Yeah, yeah. Indy was 7.15 show. We're done and out of

there. Fucking 9 o'clock, 9.10, something like that. Yeah. And that's going long. Break time? I need a beer. Yeah, let's take a break. All right. Cocktails.

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That's 25% off anything you order when you get better hydration today using promo code Stanhope at liquidib.com. You know I ain't lying. You know what I got to get is I got to get you to set me up with some kind of fucking headphone and speaker portable thing for when we do these Zooms, because I always feel like I'm not talking loud enough or not hearing enough of what you guys are saying while I'm talking over you.

So you want like a headset, like a gamer's headset? I'd love to set with a decent microphone that is not just counting on some piece of shit old Lenovo computers microphone i just don't want i just want you to show me where to plug it in don't explain to me the fucking amplitudes and the fucking wattage and the amplitudes are very important doug when it comes to uh mic selection so i'll have uh five samples for you to test when you get here and then uh we'll do a we'll do a pros and cons we'll bend for you are test when you get here. And then we'll do pros and cons. Are you wanting like an omnidirectional stand-up?

Or a... Maybe a better camera so my head doesn't look like this. It's all distorted. Yeah, it's the camera. We should probably get that camera checked. Yeah. Check the tire pressure get that camera checked. Yeah. Yeah. I wondered what it looked like. Check the tire pressure on that camera.

Oh, I got a... This guy gave us so much shit. I mean, stuff, good stuff. Yeah, yeah. Let me get my readers. Fucking lost my driver's license. I broke another pair of readers. It's two weeks in a row where somehow the fucking arm of my fucking reading glasses just falls off.

And then I have them trying to balance it, doing the new crossword puzzle with fucking one arm, trying to keep it balanced on my nose. I tuck it into the strap of my face mask, try to keep it up. What is going on? Holding it like a monocle. You have two jobs and you can't afford one pair of $3 glasses? 99 cents. There's not a lot of Dollar Trees in a fucking

airport, if you haven't noticed. They wanted fucking $31 for a pair of reading glasses at the fucking airport. You got to get 31 pairs at the dollar store. At the Dollar Tree, everything's a dollar. I don't know if you... Actually, they're fucking stopped there. Not anymore. That's stopped. Going up. I mean, that's fine. I mean, everything's a dollar. I don't know if you... Actually, they're fucking stopped. Not anymore. That's stopped.

Going up. I mean, that's fine. I mean, everything's still under two. I'm not going to read the whole thing, but this is Dan and Heather in Cincinnati. They're big fans. They gave us a bottle of oil vodka. Doug, you've always said there's no difference in the... I had to prove you wrong with this vodka out of Columbus. All right.

And a bottle of JTS Brown Bottle and Bond. Best bang for the buck bourbon on the market. Paul Newman drank this in the Hustler, which is why I went and tried it. Glad I did. $29.99 a handle. Wow. He gave it to Book of Mormon. Skyline Chili.

Love it or hate it, I fucking love it. There's no better chili dog than a Skyline Chili. Love it or hate it. I fucking love it. There is nothing. There's no better chili dog than a Skyline Chili dog. So and some barbecue spice and barbecue sauce. Have fun grilling this with Chaley and a couple of packs of yellows. So, yeah, that was very nice. And it made my luggage weigh a fucking ton. It's a Skyline Chili.

Because I brought a handle of whatever vitality or whatever vodka yeah junior and i didn't really make a dent in we were all airplane drunk we didn't need to drink much of our own supply so i brought all that back had a can of that grapefruit club soda explode in my bag fortunately Fortunately, I switched. I kept all the electronics in one bag and all the booze in another bag. By accident. Yeah. This leaked a little bit all over my fucking Domino's shirt

that was meant to protect it from smashing, and now this stinks. Valentina says, I'll get you some. Now it stinks. Yeah. That white t-shirt was I'll get you some. Now it stinks. Yeah, that white t-shirt was pristine before you put that Domino's over shirt on.

Your jumper. Yeah, but the fact that she went to go get me some freshener for it before I did a Zoom podcast was kind of funny. I think the shirts came pretty stunk. That was stinking on that plane. Oh, please, Junior. We've traveled with you. We've been in the car with you.

It's not the fucking shirt. I wear it too much. Jesus Christ. A big fat guy was sweating in this and did not wash it. Now a tall, long-haired guy's sweating in it. Junior had the ultimate inimitable Junior stink going on the entire time we were on tour. And it was perfect because we were in first class as Domino's guys. Why not?

It's like a hobo on top of it. You'd think you'd smell like Nara Nara and mozzarella, you know, not regular junior smell. We did eat the, both nights we ordered pizza and just ate the toppings off of them. Pizza toppings are the best. I got a new recipe going. It's just pizza toppings.

I just put it in aluminum foil and melt cheese. When we were in, I think it was Portland. We were in Portland and Junior was there. I ordered, oh, it's because we were next to the Furkin Tavern. And I ordered food and waited over there with bingo until it got delivered. And it was a Domino's pizza or one of these things. It was day drinking or something. Yeah, you guys were next door day drinking.

And I remember we had the pizza. We had like three Domino's pizzas out there on the table. And I know Junior only eats the toppings off of it. But I'm looking around. I'm going, oh, Tracy, you know junior only eats the toppings off of it, but I'm looking around. I'm going, Oh, Tracy, you know,

she takes my crusts and then I'm looking and I'm like, Oh, I'll grab a junior's crust. But then I noticed junior has now taken the piece of pizza and he's licking it all of the sauce off it. Like a, like a cow on a, on a salt lick. And I'm like,

man, if I didn't see that, I would have ate all those crusts. Cause it was just scalped pizzas. I think Tracy may have. Did you throw those away? Cause if you didn't throw them away, then I did.

I don't want any meat juices on there. You know? Thank you. I think you guys are married in four States. Saliva is vegan. guys are married in four states. Junior's saliva is vegan. Junior is drunk pre and post show in India, and he's just

trying to Google pizza that has anchovies because he had to get his fish in for the day. That's right. Junior's doing that. Have we talked about Fishtober? No. I've been trying to get Art to do it with me but he didn't return any sweet who all right oh junior's eating a different kind of fish every

day for all of october he had to find 31 different kinds of fish yeah you just you just get them i didn't know there was fish everywhere. This disgusting animal is in every store everywhere in America. Except in the two places we were playing. He finally had to settle at the end of the night. He's not only eating fish, but he has to eat one different kind of fish every day. One helping a fish a day. I've been enjoying your pictures, Junior, but I did notice one of your fish-tober pictures. Your fish expired in july man you

gotta keep an eye on that stuff i know it's not like it's milk it was it was frozen so i figured it's okay yeah i already had two expired ones and i'm not dead yet so i had the manager special and yesterday's was expired. But you know what? Maybe it's like one of those things where, you know, sushi and sushi very fresh is okay and very expired is okay. No, don't say that. That's not true at all. Listen, he's just setting it up for salmonella November. It's all right.

Salmon November. So Junior I don't cook the pork properly Chickenosis So what's the most exotic fish you've had During fishtober Red grouper Oh yeah those are huge fucking reef fish

You know what it tastes like Fish Exactly like all the other fish Except it's $60. Wow. Is that the most expensive filet you've gotten? Yeah, Red Grouper. It was like about

$60, I think. And I went to one of those sustainable fish places. That was a mistake. That's why it was $60. That's $45 of the $60. You have to remember that Junior is also keto, so he can't have any breaded fish. I got to smash up pork rinds and put it on there. When he couldn't find any anchovies for his pizza in Indianapolis,

he just ended up having to go down at last call for the pantry where he got that tuna on the run, that pre-mixed travel tuna. Like Lunchables for adults. It tastes like cat food. Yeah. I took some of those elk hunting and one was chicken and one was tuna and they were indistinguishable from each other and neither tasted like food. I mean, I know how your elk hunt turned out, so maybe it doesn't matter,

but isn't smell a big deal in elk camp? Oh, you have to de-smell yourself in the morning before you head out. So how does tuna work in that equation? Well, you have the spray of de-scenting and you have wipes of de-scenting. That was one of my hardest things of elk hunting is that I couldn't take my weed out when I'd leave camp. I'd have to smoke in the morning and then take off to go hunt all day with no more weed. Wow. Yeah, no elk would be

coming anywhere near Junior's stopka. I would send Junior the other way to drive the elk toward me. But I took him on too. So Junior, what's the worst fish that you've had? Anchovy. Really? Was that today's?

Today's. Can you tell us about that? You're supposed to soak it before you put it on the fish. See, this is my mistake. I just do the shit instead of looking up how to do it. Yeah. You know? So, it's really salty and really fishy.

Yeah, but I've seen you drink the juice out of a sardine can. Oh, that's delicious. They're not the same thing. It's salty fish with bones. They're not the same. I like gelatinated bones in the sardines. That's my favorite. Yeah.

I was going to do that at the Sky Club. I was going to order a Clamato Bloody Mary, but without the clam juice. Just to confuse them. Yeah. Like I've never heard of tomato juice just regular.

A VA without the vegetables? A clam juice extractor in the back. You know, like decaffeinated coffee. without the vegetables? Do you think they have a clam juice extractor in the back? You know, like decaffeinated coffee? It's still got some clam in it. All right, well, I got to fucking unpack, repack, and go to Philadelphia tomorrow.

Three shows, Philly. I think I'll check while you guys are talking. I'll see if there's tickets. Well, yeah, I'll see if there's tickets. No, it won't matter. This will all be out. Junior, what did you do with your anchovies today, though? I saw the pictures.

Put them on a crustless pizza. I saw Tracy go, was that a crustless pizza? She figured it out beforehand. She's a genius. She's robbing her of that crust. Good thing I'm not there. Is an anchovy the same as a sardine? No, it's an anchovy. Taboro beer.

Here's the difference. Sardine doesn't taste as fishy. It's actually brine. They just put a bunch of salt on it until it tastes like shit after like 30 days. And then you use it on your uh whatever pizza so is this is this part of your expired very expired sushi is okay uh mindset i think so as long as it's cured in salt but then it tastes awful at the same time which is what fitztober is about awful tasting protein what's tomorrow's fish i got catfish and that's

going to be delightful now what have you saved for philly i'm going to take all canned fish because i'm tired of running around trying to find fish so i'm just gonna check a bag with canned fish and that way i got a nice at least four day supply of fish. How many different kinds of canned fish are there? There's kipper snacks. There's tuna, obviously. Sardines, which I haven't done yet. I always, I'm saving it for the end. Oh, a treat.

Yeah. Yeah. Salmon, you can get canned. He said that. Oh, I didn't. The kippers, I've had the kippers. Someone from the, a listener from the podcast sent us a bunch of kippers. And they are real.

It's very fishy, and it smoked, but it was delicious. I did like it. The house still stinks. What? Herring. Yep. Get that in a can. That might be the worst one because that's pickled fish, which is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Would you, if you were in a bind, Junior, would you... A cat food that had a fish that you haven't eaten, if you couldn't find any other fish, or would you just give up on the project? I'm thinking when I'm 65, I'm going to anyway. So I'll just start doing it now.

Develop a taste for it. Can I suggest too, we've alluded, you guys talked about Junior's famous smell. Maybe towards the end of Fishtober, you can charge people to come up and smell you in like a merch line. It would be a profitable thing. I guess if they keep the distance. I mean, yeah. Six feet away, you can still smell me. Yeah, you can fish for the entire month.

You can get like eight feet. It's fine. What about gefilte fish? That's what I was trying to think of. I'm not touching that. Come on, man. What is that? I don't think that's fish. Yes, it is. It's jelly, but it's jellied fish. So it's tough.

I'm going to save it for maybe Halloween. My gosh. That's the worst. The only reference I got is King of the Hill when Bobby took a- That was Ludafisk. That's different. That's Ludafisk. That's also a-

You're a King of the Hill fan. I thought it was just built it. No, that was the lutefisk because the new pastor was from Green Bay. Well, they're both rotten and smell like shit, right? Yes, totally, totally. I have to eat them. There's also, Junior, there's also mackerel fillets in oil. Mackerel is good.

I think I have mackerel in oil too. So I got all those. So it's going to smell like fish. Hopefully one explodes in my back. Hopefully? Or maybe I can complain to one of the airlines. Olive, you exploded my fish. This is the worst thing.

And in the middle of fish-tober, what am I supposed to do now? Junior, I have to ask, too ask too now i'm curious about this do you are you normally a big fish eater or is this way outside your comfort zone to eat fish because you seem well knowledge you know well versed on a lot of fish i don't eat fish because they're disgusting so i figured that's a good reason to do it right i agree maybe i like fish that i've caught that's about the fish i will usually eat this podcast is sponsored by better help online therapy check out betterhelp.com slash stanhope for 10 off your month. Life is full of stressors.

It doesn't matter who you are or what you have. Your life is probably stressful. Hey, betterhelp.com. I always tout betterhelp.com for you, the person that is suffering with some kind of mental illness or just a bad day or you just need someone to unload on but the other thing about betterhelp.com is when someone comes to you saying listen I'm losing my shit what do I do and you go fucked if I know now you can tell them go to betterhelp.com and that way

at least you feel better about giving someone good information about what to do when they're cutting themselves or there's still a little piece in there sorry i'm paraphrasing junior junior stop because bit the point is better help.com is a place that you can feel comfortable sending your friend who has issues without having to know what the fuck you're talking about. Maybe you're not feeling down and out and depressed or like you're at a total loss, but if your stress is high, your temper is shorter than usual, or even if you're starting to feel the strain in any of your relationships,

you could probably use a chance to unload. Unload the stress and get it out. Talk to someone who's completely unbiased about your life. Someone who's not going to judge you or take sides on anything. When there's shit you can't tell anyone or feel like you can't unload to your family or friends, you need to unload it. And that's what therapy can be. BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist,

so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy, and you can start communicating with your therapist in under 48 hours. Unload the stressors and get some unbiased feedback. You'd be pretty surprised at what you might gain from it. See if it's for you. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. And Doug Stanhope podcast listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash Stanhope.

month at betterhelp.com slash stanhope that's b-e-t-t-e-r-h-e-l-p.com slash stanhope for 10% off your first month this podcast is brought to you by another podcast the world record podcast hi it's me the b-man and i'm you, you should listen to the World Record Podcast. Go to worldrecordpodcast.com, watch the videos, join the Patreon. It's the funniest podcast in the world. Listen. If you put a frog in a kangaroo's pouch, is that safe? For the frog, mostly, I guess. Because I know in the kangaroo's pouch, that's kind of where there's a nip in there. So I'm wondering if the frog was put in the pouch and he sucked on the nip

would the kangaroo milk hurt the frog? That's a joke. Dad, you would have to go to a veterinarian for that. Okay. So go to

worldrecordpodcast.com Watch all the videos. Join the Patreon. Listen to all the episodes. Just do it. You ever did Standing Doggy? Have you ever heard of it?

Standing Doggy? What is it? It's a beer? No. It's a position. It's a position. You can... It Standing doggy? What is it? It's a beer? No. It's a position. It's doggy, but you stand. I don't know what you're talking about, Katie. I don't know what you're talking about.

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Disgusting December is my new plan seaweed holy shit i won't nobody likes yeah kimchi everything uh fucking uh what is a sea urchin that's not i was just gonna bring up i love i love uni that's. That's the only thing I've ever eaten at sushi that I couldn't swallow. I had to spit it back into the napkin. I swallowed rotten milk. That I swallowed. There was a delay. But the texture of sea urchin, I remember going to sushi with Joby and he's like, yeah, I love the sea urchin. And I knew he was thinking of something else, maybe surf clam or something. And when it showed up, I can't remember if he ate it or he didn't. But either way, he was definitely wrong.

He was thinking of something else. I love it. I think it tastes like, yeah. Junior, there's another one. Sardines and tomato sauce. Have you done that? I've done it, but I'm not a fan. I like the fish. It's got to

be fishy. You can't mask the fish smell. If you try to mask it. Yeah, I get it. You know what I mean? We'll be in Philly and we're in an area you can walk to shit. So I'm sure we're going to be able to find a sushi bar that has something weird that probably

you haven't heard of. Something alive would be fun too. Yeah, I suggest going to an Asian market. Look for an Asian market and get an Uber over there in Philly and they'll have tons of stuff that's canned. I mean, you won't know what it is, but there'll be a

fish on the outside of the can. No, the can is just as a backup in case he can't find actual fish. But there'll be different kinds of fish that, I mean, you wouldn't even be able to get fresh if you had a monger. Do shellfish count? No, it's got to... Well, I was thinking that. The shark count? I'm not going to eat shark.

Don't eat shark. Don't eat swordfish, dude. Come on. Right, because it's not good. Unless they're already dead, then I'll eat them. Wait, you think I meant don't eat live sharks? Is that what you think? Junior, don't eat

a live swordfish, whatever you do. It's very dangerous. These are weird rules for shark or fish member or whatever we're doing. Fish-tober. Yeah, no, I was just thinking when I asked Junior if shellfish counted, he weird rules for shark or fish fish member or whatever we're doing fish tober yeah no i was just thinking when i asked when i asked when i asked junior if shellfish counted he had to actually think about it like you make the rules yeah i don't i think you should go pure it has to have gills oh so you can eat crab

now the cat's getting in on the conversation. Well, it's got to have fins and gills. How about that? Fins and gills. Fins and gills. But you could do eel, right? Wait a minute. Catfish doesn't have fins.

Yeah. No, catfish doesn't have. Wait. Yeah, it does. Scales. Oh, yeah. Scales. That's what I was thinking.

Eel fish is technically its name, right? Yeah, an eel is technically the name of shellfish. So there's fish in the name, so it has to count. Yeah, but they're crustaceans. This is like when that guy kicked a double punt a couple weeks ago, and even the refs didn't know if it was legal. I just missed the 68-yarder. You know what I mean?

I'm going to say fish. Tober has so many rules. No one, the shellfish, because there's, there's a lot of types of shellfish, but yeah, I got enough time to eat a lot of fish. So we'll see the disgusting ones I'm saving till the end.

Cause it's going to be Halloween. Yeah. And I'm going to try to get the rest of the ones out of the way. But, yeah. I wish I had a dead Kiver right now because I would make Valentina stick a candle in it and I'd bring it out into the camera and sing, Happy birthday to you. It's Junior's birthday.

Oh, yeah. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday to you. Junior. Happy birthday, happy birthday. Happy birthday to you. Junior's still in his 30s, Chaley. Oh my God. Oh, wow. What are you, 39? 38?

38. We've known Junior for like 40 years, and he's only 38. Vampire. Actually, I think my dad served with Junior in the NOM. Yeah. He's my godfather. Did I tell? Yeah. He's my godfather. Did I even tell you that? Junior's my godfather.

That's what I got Junior for his birthday is that glass he's drinking out of. Yeah, plastic. Plastic. I saw that. It's good looking. And I remembered mine, too. I didn't lose it over four days. Well, it's worth it.

Yeah. I'm my kiddie coaster. I didn't lose it over four days. Well, it's worth it. Yeah. I'm my kiddie coaster. Well, Junior, I can't remember if I've ever had a sardine, but I think I'll do one just in celebration of Fish Tober and solidarity with you.

You never had sardines? You're going to eat that up here, right? I don't think I have. My grandmother used to eat, I think, smoked oysters on New Year's for good luck. And I know I've had, well, I said I had the kippers. I don't think I've ever really had a sardine. I like sardines once in a while. But if I give you a tip, eat them with some pretzels.

And then that way you don't know what's the spine of the fish crunching in your mouth or the pretzels. I don't care about that. I don't mind chewy. I don't know what's the spine of the fish crunching in your mouth or the pretzel. I don't care about that. I don't mind chewy. I don't mind crunchy. They use them in salad dressing. They just mash them up. Yeah. And you can do that with anchovies and just use them in salad dressing and they'll kick up the umami flavor.

A lot of people do that. Anchovies are in Caesar dressing. Oh, you could also, somebody told me, you take some burger meat and put like a little bit of the anchovy paste in there and mix it up. Kicks up the umami flavor a lot, too, on burgers, too. People use it to replace salt sometimes. Yeah. Because of the salt in it? Yeah.

Oh, the glutamate. And the glutamate. The salt isn't fishy enough. How do I make this salt fishier? It doesn't taste like fish. It's the glutamates that makes the savoriness. That's the thing for you to learn there. What about gilded clams?

What about gilded radnor? He looks good. Gilded clams? Gilded radnor, she's expired sushi. And has a guild clam. Yeah. Anything that's anything that has fins, I think, counts. Besides shells.

I'll eat a whale. Doug's ate a whale. I was just going to say that, you know, with Brian's, you know, I was just going to say that, you know, with Brian's booking techniques, there is a chance he might throw Oslo, Norway in between Philly and West Palm Beach. And that's where you can still eat whale. Yeah, but that's a mammal. It's not a fish.

Yeah. I guess mammals don't count. But I do want to eat a dolphin just to see what it tastes like. Oh, I just wanted to eat it to teach it a lesson. Smart now. It's cute animals member, you know. Pans and dolphins. Hello.

Blop-eared bunnies. Koala sushi. Giraffe cake. Hey, feeding giraffes is the best thing I've ever done in my life. I did it too. I was at the Delaware State Fair. And you pay $2 for carrots. And then $2 buys you unlimited happiness for the rest of your life.

A bargain at double the price. Junior, what are you doing for your birthday besides selecting a fish for the day? I made my family a keto cake so I can eat it with them, and then I'm going to probably go see a shitty movie, and I'm going to get really drunk at some

bar that they don't know me at i haven't been kicked out yet how many bars have you been kicked out of um i think two but that's that's pretty low that's reasonable yeah i've been kicked out of two bars and one of them i worked at i've got kicked out of the bars that i regularly drink at, but I'm invited back. Yeah. Not 86th. 86th, yeah. Not that much. I was kind of 86th from where we just played.

Oh, that's right. At the Funny Bone in Omaha. Colleen, you know, that runs it. Fucking sweetest lady in the world. God damn was she fun. She was one of the best club owners I've ever worked with. Drunken aunt. She was like the drunken aunt that just is like loose-lipped and just, you know. She's got the new young haircut and she can't wait to tell everybody off.

It's like so funny. Yeah. Yeah. When we asked her about like who's the worst diva you ever had to work with here? She, she wasn't reticent at all. Like some, sometimes we ask the, uh, the, the wait staff, who's the biggest dickhead shithead. And they're like, Oh, I don't want to say, Oh, Colleen didn't mind saying, yeah. He's like, hang on, let me get a list.

You don't have to say the names but uh any any of the regular names we know of 100 uh yeah there's one that we've been hearing a lot but it's not it's not like the the douchey demanding type uh but really uh scared nevishi um uh texting hey uh someone's knocking on the green room door. Come save me. Save me. I don't know who and it was just the server saying, is there anything we could get you, Mr. So-and-so

from Full House? Tracy guessed it. She whispered that in my ear. She nailed it. There's two that do stand up from that show. We know who it is. She's right. Hey, could you imagine waiting on Woody Allen in the green room? Oh, boy.

You don't know who's coming in. He's all weird. Oh, whatever. Waiting up. Yeah. I think I'm going to wrap this up. I've had two giant Sapporos, and I have a fucking – I have a full slate of uh boarding pass

notes you know how uh infamously funny my shit is that i wrote on a boarding pass when i shit faced on a plane so i gotta go through those i did breeze through some of them some of them are maybe workable but i've been drinking again yeah and'm going to go find a fish alcohol too. Smoke salmon vodka. Salmon vodka. Salmon vodka. Absolute salmon vodka. I'll do that at the end of the month too.

Jesus. It's good in Bloody Marys. That's what they make it for. Yeah. Do they not sell those things that you just beat yourself in the fucking back with anymore? Is that what they make things like that? What's that called? Flagellation.

It's flagellation, but I don't know what they call it. Flagellation? Yeah. You're the fucking weirdest person in the world, Junior, and I love you for it. Thank you. You're my second favorite weirdest guy. Next to you. I'm curious. We still have... How many dates do we have coming up Chaley

oh shit three in Philly four in Florida and then New Year's Eve three in Texas oh Texas fuck I forget all about Texas and then New Year's Eve the link is up on the website now go to DougSignUp.com

better yet just get on the mailing list and you'll find out when these things happen. But you can get the tickets for the Plaza Showroom Show on New Year's Eve coming up in Vegas. And, yeah, get rooms. There's room packages and all that shit. It's all on the website. Oh, and I don't know if it's up yet, but Key West is the weekend before Super Bowl. I'll be at Key West. So both Vegas and Key West destination shows.

Book your tickets. Plan a vacation. Because we'll be getting fucked up on both of those. Wait, the Key West show is that – are we doing brown paper tickets on that? I have no idea. That's a that's a hennigan question okay i'll contact me if i can put it up it'll be up by the time this goes out but the houston show the only full show i'm doing in houston is on the thursday and then i'm doing

skank fest friday saturday which they still haven't told me what exactly i'm doing they did they did email hennigan and go uh would he be interested in doing Killing Tony? And I go, well, yeah, of course. Kill Tony, not Killing Tony. That's a different show. Killing Tony is a different one. That's a fantasy. I'm going to be on Killing Your Entire Family.

That's a good show, too. I come out and... Killing Tony is a fetish. So they wanted you... Skankfest wanted you to maybe do an episode of Kill Tony? Yeah, but that's all they've told me I'm doing. I'm there for the weekend. I have no idea, but that's what I'm saying.

The only full show I'm doing is the one that's on the website at the improv. That's going to be my full set. Everything else is just gonna be a hodgepodge i don't think anyone knows what's going on uh because i don't think they know what the fuck they're doing they just they have a good thing going it's gonna be a fucking good time you're gonna see someone in in a uh what do you call that uh body bag no in a a scandalous situation but canceled yeah that's the new that's a new fangled way of saying it i got a tip for everybody out there i'm there's not a plug but if you order papa john's and you order the meats they do not put bacon on there so make sure you put bacon on

there when you eat the top i I'm glad you just threw your hair off your logo because I had to keep correcting Junior because his logo wasn't showing. His hair was over. I go, you always have to be branding, Junior. A-B-B? Always be branding. Yes. Also, if you order your Papa

John's pizza well done, it comes out a lot better than just their regular doughy centered pizza. Good call for most places, yeah. I thought you were going done. It comes out a lot better than just their regular doughy-centered pizza. Good call for most places, yeah. I thought you were going to say it comes out sooner, and I go, that doesn't make any sense. Chaley leaves right when I'm trying to close this. Yeah, he had to take a phone call.

You can close. Just checking some dates. That Skank Fest sounds like fun, man. If I was a person that wanted to go places, I'd want to go there. That seems like it would be fun. Well, the Chaley's are driving. We're driving. We're driving, but we're not driving back immediately.

We're driving out of Austin. I've done so many things in the last couple of months. I'm so grateful not to have to go anywhere anytime soon. And saving up to go to Las Vegas. I've been liking all your helping old people and killing elk posts. Thanks, man. I used to try to do funny stuff. Now I just do sad stuff.

Junior and I laughed so hard at this stupid fucking Domino's thing. From the fucking morning till we fell down that night. It was just really fun to be juvenile and stupid with no point. I think it's funnier that no one reacted. I love it. Yeah. Yeah. That's a thing.

None of my business. Yeah. I don't ask a lot of questions i did stop uh using a scooter to get to my hotel because i think doug got mad at me way too many times oh did you uber yeah i ubered oh wow how was that yeah it was good a guy he was um middle eastern and he believed in genies or something the gin and he said i'm scared of the gins and i go is that a new race to hate i was so happy ghost or something you know that's big in middle eastern culture it's in the con hmm jenny was ready to be a jinnist. I'm a white jinnist.

Yeah, he was Kuwaiti, like Tariq. So I did throw in a mashallah, and he didn't seem to react. Maybe he was just wearing a uniform and faking it. You know, my favorite part and i hope

this is okay uh he believed in gins but he called joe rogan a dumbass he was saying he was saying joe rogan's a dumbass like he he snorts coke right there on youtube and I'm like the dumbass thing is arguable but no he didn't ever snort coke I can guarantee you I wonder what he saw that he thought that that's what was going on well he snorted something

that was his answer some photoshop thing hey idiot it's also got a kangaroo body do you think that's joe rogan joe rogan with a pouch that's where he keeps his coke that's what the gins can do now that's true they're powerful that's true gins are powerful that's a big thing tarik told us all about the gins oh did he yeah yeah it's a it's a big deal yeah they're literally in the quran they're made of fire right they can be made of fire yeah and It's a big deal. They're literally in the Quran. They're made of fire, right?

They can be made of fire, yeah. Who's the other one? Angels. Mm-hmm. Have we successfully talked Tarek out of selling that house? I don't know. Yeah, I think so. Thanks. I didn't do anything.

Well, I did a little. I think you did more. Well, it's kind of like when Raider wanted to move back to New York, and we said, don't do that. And he goes, all right.'s yeah that was pretty easy that was a very quick meeting wow we why did we even have a meeting this should have just been like over the phone that was just him dipping his toe in the water to see if you guys still wanted him around all right i'm gonna go all I'm going to go Alright one more drink Good

I'm getting off of this beer And I'm going to make myself a proper cocktail Right on for Junior's birthday Junior You'll always be in your 30s in my eyes Oh thank you Hopefully my hair won't get Gray

Well it'll take a long time until it gets to the end, so don't worry about it. Once I start coloring it, the jig is up. The jig is up. The gin is up. The gin is up. For the listener, gin is spelled D-J-I-N-N. It's where the word genie originated, but that's how it's spelled. And you learned something today.

And I think we all learned something. Come to the shows. Let's get weird. We're all dead soon. There's more variants coming. The economy's collapsing. The world is going to be on fire. And we're going to fiddle.

But your pizza is going to be delivered hot and through the Domino's Air Force. Pie in the sky. Keep your eye on the prize. There's your title, Chaley, so you don't have to call me later. I already wrote it down. 30,000 feet in the air or less. We'll get it.

Domino's Air Force pie in the sky. With minimum topping grazing. Yeah. No crust. Please feel free to email or tweet our next airplane gag that we can buy for under $100 on fucking eBay. Uniforms. I want you to write the jokes and everything.

I don't want to put a lot of effort into it. I'll just spend $100. All right. I don't want to put a lot of effort into it. I'll just spend a hundred bucks. All right. Visors off to you, my friend. Love you. See you next week. Happy birthday,

junior. Yes. Happy birthday, junior. Take us out of here. Bingo. Okay. Bye.

Bye now. It should just say murder. I'm going to go get some food. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់� Thank you.